My neighbours are volatile and aggressive. What can I do?

Posted by jellawings@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 50 comments

Hi, I’m very new to reddit so forgive my lack of etiquette.

I’m a 20 year old girl, and I live with my elderly disabled mother and father. We moved in about a year ago now, and our next door neighbours are an absolute disgrace to live with.

It started when their daughter (around 16?) kept constantly staring into my bedroom window. I used to shut the blinds just for some privacy.

When painting my room I had the windows open, and she was doing it again. My mother caught it, and asked her politely but firmly to stop staring into my window. Immediately the girl was telling my mum to shut her fucking mouth. She scampered off back inside and that was that. Five minutes later, she came back out with her father. He was threatening my mother, calling her a bitch.

My dad came to the window and said “stop talking to my wife like that.”

The neighbour responded by saying he would chin my dad, and we should move back to (previous village).

Then started the constant surveillance. They have cameras everywhere. All around the front bit where the cars are parked - which aren’t illegal by nature. They have a ring camera in the communal hallway that only faces our door, and lights up to record at any motion, so they always know who’s leaving the house at what time. No privacy whatsoever, and I know it’s there for intrusive purposes. This is a low crime area, and if the flat was getting robbed they’d go around the back anyways.

Anytime I go out to my car, the daughter will stare in her windows at me. I was advised by police to film myself walking into my home for protection. I have many recordings of her giving me the middle finger or just staring. She recorded back when I had my 10 year old nephew with me for the weekend, filming him blatantly.

Just today they’ve had some random adult lady around, fat, looks to be mid 30’s - very obviously yelling at the kids to put the dog on our grass and kick a football around on only our part of the garden. She gave my mother the piss off sign which she caught on video. I also recorded her blatantly looking into our house, right up to the windows. Never seen this woman in my life.

I know the father next door is known around this village for being a pedophile and an asshole. Up until recently he had a friend in a van keep visiting, but after the police came he strangely stopped showing up so I suspect they found something on him. He used to block my dad’s car in too it was a whole mess.

They’re just volatile to live with. I haven’t even mentioned everything here, because there’s always something everyday. My mother is absolutely distraught with all the constant harassment. We’ve phoned the police and housing and all that, it’s just tricky. We’re hoping for an ASBO so they can get told to just leave us alone, that’s all we want.

I’m just upset all the time, I never feel safe in my home. We document everything and report it and it feels like it’s only getting worse and going no where. Speaking to them is simply not an option as they are very clearly aggressive in behaviour and language. Does anyone have advice on what else I can do?

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Scared-Room-9962@reddit

There's only one language people like that understand and you don't speak it.

Maybe you know someone who does.

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CrazyDude6767@reddit

Honestly, this may seem tempting but there are other ways to win. I took a while but (see my other comment) my antisocial, drug dealing, threatening neighbours are now in a bureaucratic nightmare where the police, the council and various social services check in on them constantly and watch their every move. They can't play music, they can't deal drugs in the street, they can't have parties. It's their idea of hell. They've actually asked to be rehoused...

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

What do you mean?

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SgtSnuggles19@reddit

You've proven their point but I suspect they are talking violence and a lot of it, don't. These sorts of scumbags also know that as soon as you do anything, they have you on camera doing it.

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

I know, as much as I’m filled with absolute unbearable rage I know not to do anything that could land me in trouble or make it worse. I just wish they’d leave us alone, that’s literally all we want.

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incriminified@reddit

Hold true to that. Absolute horrible people. Their mechanism is to incite others to react and then use that reaction as a valid premise (in their broken minds) to then escalate. And of course, point out how you are the problem, easily ignoring their starring roles in the matter. Toxic people tend to naturally look for avenues to vent their toxicity on others. I don't think it is an A + B thought out plan, it just comes naturally to them, like instinct. Just gone bad instinct.

Seems that the initial window staring which prompted a response from your family, gave them the invitation to use your family for this behaviour. Once they learn (obviously not with a normal person conversation) that you're not going to give them any opportunity to get any kind of response, it can only de-escalate for you. Not in a pretty way, or quickly. But, they will generally create a problem with someone else (or themselves) when they don't have that supply.

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

The thing is we’ve long stopped responding to them. We just do our best to pointedly ignore them when they’re staring. They’ve even come out to the main doors to just stand there and stare right in our faces as we walk past. This has been going on for many months, and if anything it feels like our lack of reaction is what’s prompting them to get worse and worse.

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incriminified@reddit

That is truly horrible. Yep, I can see that. You'd think they'd move onto something else by now, but instead they just keep trying harder to get a response. I hope you guys catch a break soon, you definitely deserve one going through all that.

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SgtSnuggles19@reddit

I understand, was in a similar situation not long ago. You need as much evidence as you can gather without making it obvious where possible.

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middle_riddle@reddit

Personally I would try smiling and waving to them each time they record you or stare at you . A happy “good morning, how are you?” as well. That might freak them out if they think you are mentally unstable

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tandemxylophone@reddit

First, but those opaque window stickers to prevent staring from the creepy neighbour.

Then put up a sign that says, "Our next door neighbour is pointing the cameras towards us and trying to look into our windows. They have records of sexual crimes. Please watch out if our neighbours are filming kids or young ladies. Girl X has already filmed a kid going into our house and often seen staring into the windows."

If thry can harrass you, you can harrass them.

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CrazyDude6767@reddit

I was in a position like this. Honestly, I tried to be nice. I bent over backwards. But there was just loads of ASB which went on for years. And drug dealing, And endless noise. And threats and abuse. They came round to our front door and screamed abuse at us for 40 mins. They told me to never speak to her the, and to call the police if I had a problem. So I did.

This was key. Once they'd made it clear any good relationship was over, I didn't care. I'd report them for anything and everything.

It took a while to work out what to do. You want to report them to the council's ASB team. But also report them to their social landlord/ housing association/ whatever. Get your councilors on it. Get your neighbours to report them too. Report anything that looks like crime to the police. Report everything. If they're cruel to their dog, report them to the RSPCA. All the time. Join the dots for the ASB team, the council and the social landlord. Learn how the system works. Don't hold back. Keep the pressure up. And keep records of every single complaint you make (and any minor stuff you don't).

Anyway, my neighbours have gone from behaving like total arseholes who think they own the street to feeling like they live under surveillance in a police state. They have been threatened with eviction and have had several police raids and arrests. They have to deal with endless checks and visits from officious council people. And the social landlord is also being investigated for mismanaging the property (i.e. not dealing with this crap sooner). Honestly, if people think nothing of making your life hell, you should be prepared to return the favour. You just do it with petty bureaucracy, not violence and threats.

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Additional-Guard-211@reddit

Id be getting cameras of you own to document everything. A light near your door could overpower their doorbell cam but you would need to do it in a way which doesn’t show engagement. You can get that reflective vinyl to go on your window so she cant see in, but again, that shows engagement.

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bluejackmovedagain@reddit

The other option is to put up some decorations on the door with a moving element, like some fake flowers and one of those motorised butterfly cat toys. It will look really tacky, but it will hopefully constantly trigger the motion detector.

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New-Process-52@reddit

Hire some bouncers to stand outside of your door

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New-Process-52@reddit

Spray skunk perfume

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i_s_a_y_n_o_p_e@reddit

This is a really difficult situation but there are laws in place to prevent this and if the police / council don’t act you have recourse to go above them for failing to support you.

The key is to make sure you follow the correct process to report them and do it every time something happens. When you report it make sure you remove all emotional discourse but point out which laws have been broken and what you expect to happen. If the neighbours are in rented accommodation the landlord also has a responsibility to act to stop the behaviour.

ChatGPT is very good for writing very official legal letters and emails if you train it right. Write out a script to get it to give you the correct formal format with legal terms.

First go to ChatGPT or similar and explain all of the things that has happened and ask in what laws the neighbours are breaking, what anti social behaviour they’re breaching both legally and as tenants etc. what the council and police are expected to do to support you. As for specific details of each law etc. copy and paste this into a doc for reference.

Now go into the chat again and say “you are a Housing Solicitors, Property Litigation Solicitors, specialising in UK property law. I want you to write me a legal letter to the police / the council citing Uk law for the following incidents: x, y, z. Explain that we feel threatened in our own home and that we are not being supported fully and wish to escalate the matter. Request a detailed response with a reasonable deadline from the council / the police explaining how we can resolve the issue and the steps they will take to help us.”

This will give you a good starting point to build on that will feel more official and ‘legal’.

You’ll be able to get the details of the landlord and start writing legal looking letters to them too. If it’s council owned there are ways to engage an ombudsman to prove they’re not resolving the issue.

It will take time but document everything and always write a letter as a paper trail. Don’t engage them directly but look confident whenever you see them, now heads down, stand proud. Make it look like they’re not affecting you so they get zero satisfaction. Report anything remotely illegal to the police to get a crime number. It will work and they will either be moved or cowed.

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macayos@reddit

Unfortunately we cannot control other people, except through force. We do not want it to get to that point obviously.

They just sound like people who want to be bad neighbors and freaks.

Did your parents buy or rent? I know moving is a pain, but for truly nutso people, you either have to just ignore it, or move.

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pullingteeths@reddit

Yeah we do want it to get to that point? They should keep reporting this antisocial and threatening behaviour

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macayos@reddit

I know but the only ones who get to be physical are the police really. So of course keep documenting, but what are the police really going to do? Tell them to stop looking in the window? Those are just words.

They will have to physically be there to stop them (by arresting them) if it gets to that point. And at that point, it is nuts.

Which 100% happens all the time, people go nuts and stalk and kill people most of the time before the police actually do anything of worth.

Ideally they rent too and the landlord would kick them out for harassing the neighbors.

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

We rent. We’ve all come to terms with looking to move as soon as possible but sadly that won’t be available for us for a long while.

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AromaticVacation3077@reddit

So wait - the daughter was just standing outside your bedroom window staring in? Does she have special needs of some kind (serious question)?

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unrealisedpotential@reddit

What a truly sad miserable existence these people live. They sound truly rotten, I’m sorry your family have to deal with these losers.

All I can suggest is speak to the council for advice because some of their actions could be considered anti-social behaviour. If it gets worse file a police complaint for harassment.

Whatever you do, don’t escalate or react to their attempts to rile you up, they want a reaction and there’s no telling how violent they’re capable of being.

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Stotallytob3r@reddit

I’d second this approach having had awful neighbours in the past. It went on for a year or so then the council came down on them hard.

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Bifanarama@reddit

Filming a 10 year old might be the best angle to go down, regarding making complaints to police or the council. You're obviously very worried that it was being done for sexual gratification or grooming purposes, so you need to explain that in detail.

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Lynex_Lineker_Smith@reddit

Press X to doubt

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pullingteeths@reddit

Can you explain this moronic response?

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

Wdym?

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UKAOKyay@reddit

Be honest, have you done anything to illicit this response, not necessarily something that you weren't within your rights to do but something that may have had a negative impact on them, this is very extreme behaviour.

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pullingteeths@reddit

People who behave like this aren't doing it for a good reason, they're clearly disgusting antisocial trash

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

Not that I can necessarily think of myself. When we moved in we introduced ourselves and all of that. The father was asking me some quite invasive questions like how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, etc. It set off alarm bells, but I didn’t get rude with him. I simply said I need to continue to help move in some boxes and slid out of the conversation. I did try to avoid him when I could, but never outwardly or rude. Simply I’d take the other doors into my house if I knew he was smoking outside the other one. I honestly have no clue why they’ve took it so far. Their daughter had some weird obsession with me but I took it as kids being kids. I don’t think I’ve ever been rude to them.

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UKAOKyay@reddit

I was thinking more along the lines of taking a parking space or putting up a fence etc, in all fairness they could just be arseholes, how do the other neighbours get on with them.

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

None of the other neighbours like them. Everyone’s all got this silent sort of agreement that they’re a weird family. When we was reporting things social work didn’t even have records of the children. The kids don’t go to school, none of the adults work, they’re just always home 24/7.

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pdp76@reddit

Record them both in writing statements - keeping a diary and video record your property.

Going back probably 10 years or so. Where I used to live, neighbours son over the road was a trouble making arsehole. A catalogue of things that were recorded in a diary and and on video with a window cam aimed at my property and boundary.

Cut a long story short, he came onto my property one night to pour used oil on the block paving drive. Ruined it and it would never wash out. So after a claim for a new drive way with recorded evidence of who did it , plus other things he’d done in the past and not just here. Off he went to prison. Me being me, I’d have preferred to just have had it out with him and give him a jolly good telling off. Generally it doesn’t work like that in law. So capture evidence it was, and you should also start doing if they decide to escalate the situation.

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UsedIllustrator2334@reddit

Seek help through the council, because your mother has a disability. This will assist you better to get relocated in council housing. You have to complain with the issue you are going through, over exaggerate (situation sounds bad enough) say you can’t leave your home to take care of your mother and do simple things like getting groceries for her. Also mention that the house doesn’t meet my disabled mother’s needs. I’m pretty sure they can relocate you. Although council houses are for people like yourselves, there still might be a little bit of a wait. Once relocated you will be moved to places what suit your mother more and might have better neighbours hopefully.

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Spanner1993@reddit

I grew up amongst the ABSO crowd. They can tell when they're being actively avoided and take it as being looked down on. It doesn't take much to put their back up and it just gathers momentum. There's no winning here, I'm afraid. Just gotta get out of there.

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OneCrispyCritter95@reddit

Move.

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

Trust me we’re desperate to, I’m on the housing register right now, my mother and father are looking for a place of their own. But it’s going to be a while before that’s possible for us.

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OneCrispyCritter95@reddit

Is this a council property? Your housing officer should be able to help speed things along with getting out of here. Record everything, down the minute and second of what is going on, take videos. Call police and write down when you called, who you spoke to you and what was said/what the outcome was. Stress to the council that you are in a potentially dangerous situation and need to get out of there as soon as possible.

I hope you and yours get out of this, but realistically the best advice you’re going to get here is just to GTFO as soon as humanly possible.

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jellawings@reddit (OP)

Yeah I figured. Part of me is hoping that some magical miracle will happen that’ll make all of this stop but the best course is to just get away. Thank you.

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OneCrispyCritter95@reddit

Unfortunately, no matter how much we might hope, that rarely happens.

Think of it this way, instead of some sort of providence getting you out, your own actions save both you and your parents a lot of hassle and trauma.

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ProfileBoring@reddit

Chances are they are tenting so complain to the council or their landlord. They have a responsibility to sort the situation out by either warning or possibly evicting them.

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Kaiisim@reddit

Your options are basically that you move or they do, I'm afraid.

My advice? Talk to other neighbours, see if anyone else hates them. Then start a group dedicated to reporting their behaviour. Ideally you'll be able to find someone who doesn't mind confrontation to lead it.

But also, ignore what you can. Weirdo daughter staring is just weird, not harmful. Pretend she doesn't exist.

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Current_Thing2244@reddit

Keep reporting, and put up security cameras if you haven't already. Call the council for advice and report the intrusive camera placement, all of the camera placements. Take photos of the cameras. They're not allowed to have them pointed anywhere except on their own property, they must take into account neighbour and general public privacy. Ring cameras must be reasonably placed. Call the police for everything, every time. Become a pest with both the police and council, eventually they'll be reported to the antisocial behaviour team and that's when they can take legal action, before then they'll serve warnings.

I was where you are and it's tough. It took five years to get to the ASBO stage, and that was after my neighbour was jailed for attacking another neighbour. By that time I was moving. If your parents can move, it would be advisable to just move away and leave them to it because it's a battle that takes everything out of you. I wish I could give a shortcut to you but it's just an impossible situation and there's no shortcuts. Just report, record, and protect yourselves. And get cameras, make sure you keep them within the legal framework of recording your own property so you don't end up in trouble yourselves.

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FreeBogwoppits@reddit

Honestly OP. Best thing would be to move. Some people are just nasty and no ASBO will change that. Its not defeat, it's making a choice for your best interests.

Beyond that, the daughter will likely grow out of staring at you but don't expect the family behaviour to improve.

Your comment suggests this is a social housing rented property, so personally I'd change from telling housing "Stop them" to "the harassment is too much, get us out".

Hope things get sorted for you and your family OP.

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Bemusedandscared@reddit

I'm sorry you're going through this. Having aggressive neighbours is awful, from experience.

The first thing to say is don't engage. As horrible as it is, zero response is the best response right now. They clearly aren't rational and even the smallest word could set them off. Don't give them anything.

Also, document everything. Keep a piece of paper in your kitchen and every time you walk out/in and they're staring, or there's a gesture from them, record it. It's tiresome but it may very well be useful to you in future.

Do you know if they own their home? Some housing associations have mechanisms in place to deal with unsociable tenants etc. Failing that, councils often have similar processes. If you're at the point where you're feeling unsafe, then it's probably worth checking that out.

But, in the meantime, please don't respond to them physically or verbally. Any action you take needs to be unknown to them, for now.

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Greendeco13@reddit

Speak to your local councillors. A good councillor will support you through the process of dealing with this.

Keep a diary of dates and times. Councils have ASB teams that can help. If the neighbour is in rented property, find out who their landlord is and contact them.

If you believe you have been threatened contact the police.

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