What’s the difference between being polite and being friendly in US culture?
Posted by RhubarbBusy7122@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 200 comments
I’ve often read that Americans are very friendly but keep people at arms length. The theories are that collectivist cultures view social warmth as a friendship quality, whereas Americans do it to make a social situation go smoother.
In casual conversation, when Americans say they “made a friend,” it’s actually an acquaintance.
Having observed my American friends from an immigrant background, I’m often welcomed in first and experience hospitality rather than just politeness, with a more communal atmosphere. Because of that, the average non-immigrant American can sometimes feel cold or distant to me.
My question is, how do Americans know whether someone does actually want to be friends versus them just being social?
Sabertooth767@reddit
Politeness isn't necessarily warm.
Polite is "excuse me sir" when squeezing past someone. Friendly is "Hey, how are you today?"
huazzy@reddit
In the Northeast "Hey, how are you today?" is also being polite, and the expectation is that they merely acknowledge the greeting ("alright/good", "ok" or "how are you" back) and leave it at that.
I learned this the hard way when I moved down to Georgia and people started telling me (in detail) how they're really doing.
Had to spend 20 minutes looking at an elderly woman's Farmville farms one time.
ChefDanyul@reddit
Good take. I’m from the PNW. Politeness is minding your own business and leavening people alone. In the South where I am now politeness is talking forever. Dude leave me the fuck alone. I had a professor from New York talk about his frustrations going to the grocery store in Tennessee. It’s annoying as hell.
I just want to be left alone. A kind greeting should be enough. Where I work the owner is from Britany and her husband is Black man from PA. They are extremely cordial and love when people want to to talk to them but even they get annoyed sometimes when people get too friendly. He has the patience of Job. But I see when he will walk the fuck away. She can’t because she is in the kitchen.
PomPomMom93@reddit
Man, am I glad I don’t live in the PNW. I like talking to people. As a matter of fact, I found my current nail lady through a conversation with a stranger.
justdisa@reddit
The other day, I saw someone criticize the PNW because a local helped them find their way around but then didn't exchange numbers or invite them anywhere. To me, the idea of trying to get a stranger's personal information just because I gave them directions is creepy and presumptuous. Just no.
PomPomMom93@reddit
I love talking to Georgians.
ForestOranges@reddit
I’m from the Northeast too. If you’re not doing good some acceptable answers are: “hangin in there” or “living the dream” in a snarky or sarcastic tone. Or maybe something like “alive.”
XelaNiba@reddit
In the Northeast, the worst thing you can do is waste someone's time.
In the South, the worst thing you can do is rush someone.
Mean-Concentrate-257@reddit
I've often wondered if this is why people think New Yorkers are rude. I'm from New England, and any time I visit New York, 99% of people I meet or chat with are super nice, friendly, and helpful. But I'm also of the mentality that we're all moving along and doing stuff, so nothing feels rushed or abrupt to me. If I was used to slower conversations, maybe that pace would feel rude.
Prestigious-Comb4280@reddit
Driving from the south to Boston it started out with "how y'all doing today?" By the time we got to New Jersey it was "whatdoyawant?" It's all just different. I never found people in New York rude but you can't let them walk over you either. Every place I've been in the US in friendlier than London including New York and Boston. Manchester was friendlier and Scotland is super friendly...
sean8877@reddit
Haha, I was raised in the northeast and now live in Georgia. This is spot on, I remember when I first moved here I was going out of my mind because people just wanted to sit and talk (and take their time doing it) but my brain was screaming that I needed to move on. Now I've adapted and when I talk to my relatives up north it feels like they are rushing me all the time. Funny how perspective changes when you get used to a new environment.
Antioch666@reddit
In Sweden too, if you ever travel there. Don't ask how they are unless you really want to know. /culture shock
latin220@reddit
Sounds like Massachusetts. 😆
PitbullRetriever@reddit
That doesn’t sound like Massachusetts at all… not a culture that’s known for being long-winded lmao, though they are direct. Toss out a “how ya doin boss?” And you’ll either hear back “Livin’ the dream” or “Shitty but what can you do”, and that will be the end of it. (Born & raised in Boston despite my flair)
latin220@reddit
The short answers. Cold dispositions? That’s Massholes all day everyday. Not the long winded. I was responding to the earlier comment. People in Massachusetts are quick to help you, but they’re as frosty as the New England winter. ❄️
PitbullRetriever@reddit
Got it. Your comment immediately followed other comments about people in Georgia (US) and Sweden giving a long-winded, earnest answer to “how are you?”, which I think we both agree is not the norm in Massachusetts.
Antioch666@reddit
Good amount of Americans of Scandinavian descent? 😅
latin220@reddit
That’s more Minnesota. They’re basically all Scandinavians. Massachusetts is full of British, Irish, and Latin descendants. The states of the North are notorious for that Yankee wit and cold personalities that is born from living in areas where 5 to 6 months of the year it’s dark and frigid. The South is known for its warm people and humid/hot weather who forge a Dixie people that never seem to stop talking. Friendlier than the Yankees I suppose. Northerners come off as efficient, cold and lacking the “warmth” you stereotypically expect from Americans.
KesselRunner42@reddit
Usually kind but not always nice. Will we lend you a shovel when you need it without fuss? Most likely. Give you a nasty look if you're being loud on the bus or holding things up? Also likely.
Rokmonkey_@reddit
Aye. Stick in the side of the road? Someone is getting out to find out what's up and hello you it. But they'll give you endless shit for it too.
latin220@reddit
You know the Yankees well! 😆
No_Inflation_5480@reddit
Yeah “hi, how it’s going?” and all variations Often don’t even get a response in MA. It’s kind of just the standard greeting. Which is kind of polite in its own way.
GettingTooOldForDis@reddit
I grew up in Boston. A standard greeting exchange was “‘sup?” To which the response would be “‘sup?” If it’s someone you know that’s accompanied by an upward head nod. For a stranger that’s accompanied by a downward head nod.
(Pay attention to how you and others nod at each other some time. It’s uncanny how this nodding etiquette holds true.)
PitbullRetriever@reddit
How ya doin’ guy?
Living the dream.
Aight.
Aight.
PhilRubdiez@reddit
As a kid, my dad would stop in drive thrus and talk to the person in them for a few minutes. I asked him why when I was like seven or so. “You never know how their day is going, so taking five minutes to talk to them might be the highlight of their day.” A few years go by, I’m working my first job, and any random person who took even 30 seconds to talk to me felt like a huge morale boost. You probably made that old lady’s day.
GettingTooOldForDis@reddit
I guess your Dad never stopped to consider how the people in line behind him’s days were going.
PhilRubdiez@reddit
Who peed in your Cheerios? What makes you think he did it with people behind him? It was always when no one was round. He’s not an idiot.
Ralph--Hinkley@reddit
He's right, though. Fast-food places try to keep their drive-through times down, and people chit chatting isn't going to help anything. Take your food and go. A courteous greeting when they open the window is enough.
bjams@reddit
Lol, I read it as a joke, but you can't really tell the tone through text so who knows.
ferret_80@reddit
this is why people use /s or SpOnGeBobCaSe. becasuse it indicates tone that otherwise can't be conveyed over text. but idiots denigrate their use so they can feel superior because "they understand sarcasm." they might understand sarcasm, but they clearly don't understand Communication as a whole.
Brief-First@reddit
Food drive thru or convenient store drive thru? My dad with buddies with the guy at the beer barn/ drive thru and would chat with him all the time. It's just what you do if you go somewhere often - at least in ohio it is.
PhilRubdiez@reddit
Anyplace. It was a McDonald’s in this particular situation. Also, aren’t the drive thru beer places near? No other state seems to even know what that’s about. All my Marine friends would be amazed when I explained it.
LineRex@reddit
> I learned this the hard way when I moved down to Georgia and people started telling me (in detail) how they're really doing.
Here in Oregon "Hey, how are you today?" is an open greeting that lets the person being greeted decide how open they want to be. They can either do the standard call & response "I'm doin' alright, thanks for asking" and continue on, or you get to have a conversation with someone. It's about 50/50 on which it's going to be lol.
GettingTooOldForDis@reddit
You doing that is the definition of polite
huazzy@reddit
Me?
Yes.
Her?
No.
Judgy-Introvert@reddit
“Hey, how are you today?” is something lots of people say around where I live. It’s polite. I wouldn’t call it friendly.
MajesticBread9147@reddit
Yes this for sure.
Polite is often the default for strangers whereas friendly is for people you get to know or are expecting to see again, although this changes regionally.
There are regions in America stereotyped as rude which I never experienced, but when I pressed people who held that experience they describe people respecting their time and not introducing themselves to everyone else on public transit.
HudsonYardsIsGood@reddit
It comes down to the expectation of interacting with strangers.
There are regions where the expectation is to keep to yourself. There are other regions where the expectation is to acknowledge anyone in your presence.
If you grew up in a place where the norm is to smile and nod at a stranger when you make eye contact, then you will probably find it rude when people in (e.g., urban northeast cities) vigorously dart their eyes away and pretend you don't exist.
John-Dune-Awakening@reddit
If you're gonna scooch past someone, you need to add an "oop" or "ope" in there. Maybe juat a Midwest thing.
Initial_Fill_2655@reddit
And then there is if there is an answer
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
Perhaps, a better question would be to ask what behaviors do you find warm?
river-running@reddit
I'll give you a real example from my life.
My boss texting me to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving is polite.
My boss inviting me to his house for Thanksgiving dinner because he know I'll be alone that day is warm.
iowanaquarist@reddit
Genuine care when asking.
Comfortable-Bike9080@reddit
yep agree 👍 👍
Poupoo42@reddit
\^\^\^ This
Prestigious-Talk1112@reddit
Disagree. Every cashier is forced to ask how are you. Every sales person who is trying to get you to buy something starts with , " How are you doing today,v what can I ge
Impedimentita@reddit
I’ve had several cashier and server jobs and we were never forced to be friendly. We were just forced to interact with people. And if you’re rude all day, your day will suck.
Mikillante@reddit
All that means is that cashiers are often forced to act friendly to customers. They’re mostly faking it, sure, but that’s what they’re faking.
Prestigious-Talk1112@reddit
I can agree with that but I guess my point is that The first commenter here said that polite means asking how are you and I don't think that that's where the line is drawn.
sacrelicio@reddit
Really depends on the place. Some don't even acknowledge you. Not that I mind.
Prestigious-Talk1112@reddit
Oh I agree I hate the fake overt friendliness when I'm just trying to shop but just pointing out my experience. I've been trained to be that way by working various jobs where it was required.
spacenomyous@reddit
r/redditsniper
OrangeToTheFourth@reddit
Yeah there's a nuanced nebulous space between basic polite interactions and intentionally friendly interactions.
I think someone wants to be friends when they volunteer deeper information about themselves, and I express interest back by engaging with that and volunteering information about myself. Intentionally extending the conversation rather than just talking because we're in the same space interacting and it feels weird to just be silent.
loop1960@reddit
Nah. There are tons of people for whom "hey, how are you today" is purely transactional or performative. If I had a nickel for every salesperson who said that with no genuine warmth, I'd be rich. One of the reasons I prefer New zyork to the South is that while in general, New Yorkers are brusque, they'll actually help you if you need it. My experiences in the South is that people drip sugar but often dont mean it. "Well, bless your heart!"
ChessieChesapeake@reddit
I prefer to use “nice” and “kind” and it’s the difference between how someone feels and how someone behaves.
Some people are nice: They speak gently, smile, avoid conflict, and make others feel comfortable. But they may not actually help when it matters.
Some people are kind: They may be blunt, awkward, or not especially polished, but they genuinely care and will act to help.
Nice is about manner. Kind is about character.
Example:
A nice person says, “Oh no, that’s terrible, let me know if you need anything.”
A kind person says, “Be ready at 8. I’m taking you to your appointment.”
Almost everyone I meet is nice, but it’s those who are kind that I’m truly friends with.
Herra_homosapiens@reddit
Politeness is compliance with etiquette whereas friendliness is warmth and connection with the other person
Im_Not_Nick_Fisher@reddit
Completely depends on where you’re at and who you’re talking to. The Ask VS guess culture is what I’ve mentioned as being one of the biggest differences between various regions of the country. Where one would expect a certain level of interaction, the other wouldn’t. If you were short with someone in the guess culture region it would come off as being rude. While it would be the opposite in the Ask culture region. You could have someone who just comes up and cusses you out, then offer you some beer or food. And they end up being your best friend.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
So which regions are which?
Im_Not_Nick_Fisher@reddit
In general Southern are guess culture. Some overlap with the Midwest though as well. North east is ask culture. Ask is very direct, and guess is the opposite. Guess tries leading you to a conclusion without seeming rude by asking directly.
DrBlankslate@reddit
Guess tries to drive you crazy by expecting mind reading.
soap---poisoning@reddit
The more refined version of Southern culture is a guess culture that tries to avoid open conflict.
If you have to say something that might be perceived as unpleasant, you sugar-coat it so that it doesn’t seem confrontational.
If two people in a social circle mutually despise each other, they will be excessively polite to each other so that other people can pretend not to notice the animosity.
If you want to talk trash about someone, faint praise can make the point better than a plain insult. Calling an adult woman “sweet” sounds like a compliment, but it’s not.
On the other hand, the “trailer park” version of Southern culture doesn’t bother with avoiding conflict. They will just scream obscenities at each other in the Walmart parking lot until the cops show up.
Over_Construction908@reddit
Yes that is so true. I am from an ask culture so guess what happens when I try to communicate to people in the UK. It seems impossible to discuss safety. You are called rude for trying to help. All sincerity is mocked
Im_Not_Nick_Fisher@reddit
Exactly! It’s completely bizarre. They seem to be able to understand each other. But when we mix that’s definitely where the problem comes from. It really is a completely different language. My wife is from Alabama, and her mom just gives us hints or clues. Or completely random information that means nothing to me, but when telling someone else it made sense to them. They even said oh, she was expecting you to say this. Who has time for that. And I’m the rude one for asking them to just come out with it and tell me what you want.
DrBlankslate@reddit
If I had my way, Guess Culture would be socially unacceptable.
saplith@reddit
My experience is that Americans have tiers of friends. There are the friends you enjoy chatting about hobbies and funny stories with and nothing else, the friends who can hang out at your large block party, the friends who can come to your intimate dinner in your home, the friends you tell your actual worries and not your "trauma" that in reality you got over years ago and you throw out there just to see how that person reacts.
Everyone starts as the chatting friend. Generally speaking We like chatting, we don't mind helping if it doesn't cost us much, but you have to work up to being the friend who comes over for dinner on a random Wednesday or gets a call just because someone was thinking about you and wanted to know how you were living.
JoanofArc5@reddit
...do people in other places not have tiers of friends?
boldjoy0050@reddit
Not really. And this is something that drives my non-American wife insane. Someone will say "oh, let's go out for dinner and drinks" and to her, that means they are friends. But it's really just being polite and the person could be lying.
saplith@reddit
I don't know, but OP makes it sound that way
Sad-Reflection-3499@reddit
The United States has multiple regions, which are somewhat culturally different from each other. I was born in the Midwest, and lived as an adult in the NYC area. What constitutes friendliness in the Midwest is incredibly annoying and weird in NYC.
Roam1985@reddit
What constitutes as "Friendliness" in the Midwest is usually "A lead up to a con" on the east coast.
...and in the midwest.
Sad-Reflection-3499@reddit
Not even just that - people in the Midwest will not just randomly talk to strangers, they will often overshare when they do know people.
rockninja2@reddit
What if I overshare and am not from the midwest?
HerrDrAngst@reddit
You were kidnapped at birth from the Midwest ...and now you have to confront your 'parents' 😆
guiseincognito@reddit
Well, go ahead and pull up a chair. Cooler is in the back, help yerself.
Embarrassed_Eggz@reddit
People in the south and Midwest will definitely talk to random people. Not everyone but there’s plenty that do.
Honestly I find it more common in the south despite the Midwest having more of a reputation for being overly polite. I guess it goes hand in hand with the “southern hospitality” culture.
I’ve had more random people talk my ear off in parts of Oklahoma, Texas, and Arkansas than probably anywhere else but it has definitely happened to me in places like Wisconsin as well.
MadMomma85@reddit
Ope. I’ve been guilty of this.
Ok-Possibility-9826@reddit
Very true on the East Coast. Folks aren’t being friendly to strangers because they have good intentions.
Radar1980@reddit
And the South- as someone originally from the northeast I’m instantly suspicious of how chatty they are
StolenCamaro@reddit
The Midwest has no differences between being polite and being kind or friendly. Certain areas of the south, too. But yeah- take that shit to any big city and you’ll get some looks.
Puzzled_Hamster58@reddit
New England we are friendly but not polite .
kartoffel_engr@reddit
Polite: I don’t want to talk to you, but I’m not a dick.
Friendly: I want to have a conversation, even if it’s brief.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
Friendly to me means you are outgoing and aren't afraid to speak to people. Like chit chat in a nice way.
Polite has more to do with manners, specifically. Saying please, thank you, excuse me, etc.
You can be friendly and still not have good manners.
Birdywoman4@reddit
Being polite is just doing the bare minimum in regard to civility. Being friendly is being warm and welcoming.
Team503@reddit
"In casual conversation, when Americans say they “made a friend,” it’s actually an acquaintance."
What leads you to this conclusion? I don't find it accurate at all.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
Spontaneous interactions where you just met someone and then you call them as a friend
Team503@reddit
And they're not? Man, what a depressing world you live in. If you made a new friend, that's the beginning of a friendship. Not everyone you talk to in a bar or wherever will fall into "making a new friend".
Or maybe it's that you can't wrap your head around the fact that we really do make friends that easily, and we really do mean it?
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
Respectfully, you don't need to be rude. It's really okay to disagree with me.
I wouldn't personally call that a friend, but if you feel close to someone that easily, that's great.
Team503@reddit
I wasn't trying to be rude. I was trying to convey that your assertions were incorrect; just because you don't form bonds and call people friends at that point doesn't mean other people don't.
And as you've rightly observed, you're an immigrant from a fundamentally different culture. I'm an immigrant myself - from America to Ireland. It isn't a negative that you don't really get why Americans are open and bond like they do, it's perfectly understandable. Just like the Irish; if they're not making fun of you, they don't like you. It's called slagging. And I don't mean light insults, I mean they RIP into you. I don't get it; it feels foreign to me, and disingenuous. It's hard for me sometimes to not get insulted, even though I know they're being friendly.
It's the same for you. The behavior and mindset are very different than what you're used to, so it's tough to wrap your head around it. Again, that's okay. It's good that you're curious, and it's understandable that you struggle with it.
sean8877@reddit
I don't know, most people I know save the word "friend" for their actual friends. If you just meet someone and casually talk to them you would usually say "I was talking to this guy in the bar" or something similar. Takes a few meetings of hitting it off to label someone a "friend" at least in my experience.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
Well, I’m getting it from direct observation? I live in America lol.
sean8877@reddit
Ok yeah I don't know, I don't see that happening where I've lived in the northeast, south and Socal. So maybe where you live it is a thing but not anything I've observed.
New-Process-52@reddit
Scuse me
Individual_Corgi_576@reddit
I’m both polite and friendly.
However, one to three friends is sufficient and I’ve met that limit.
Just because I’m polite and friendly doesn’t mean I want to hang out. I’m just trying to get through my day without a hassle and the easiest way to do that is to be polite and friendly.
rdubmu@reddit
no we literally talk about our life story at the barber shop, and check out lane. We become friends with everyone around us. We are very kind people, its why the American people fund most of the overseas charities and organizations that help people in need.
loop1960@reddit
Americans do not "fund most of the overseas charities and organizations that hel people in need." Top per capita donors are Indonesia, Kenya, and Singapore. https://www-statista-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.statista.com/chart/amp/35539/most-generous-countries/?amp_gsa=1&_js_v=a9&usqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM%3D#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=17762616086686&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&share=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.statista.com%2Fchart%2F35539%2Fmost-generous-countries%2F
SpeedLow3@reddit
Delete this lol
SkiingAway@reddit
That chart is about what % of people report they "helped a stranger, donated money, or volunteered their time" in the past month.
That chart is not about per-capita financial donations, at all. It should be extremely obvious that it is financially impossible for Indonesia or Kenya to be anywhere near the top of a list of countries like that. (Donations per-capita as a % of income, would be a different question).
And given the vagueness of the first item ("helped a stranger") I don't think it's even a useful metric of generosity. I gave a guy who looked lost directions yesterday. I don't think that should really be weighed as charity in the same way that spending a day working at the soup kitchen would be.
Physical_Floor_8006@reddit
I'm not sure that distinction really makes all that much sense in US culture. Friendly vs. social isn't some binary thing. There's a back and forth. Something that started off as just being polite might end up as a friendship depending on the response and vice versa. We don't make a super strong distinction between stranger and potential friend.
Arleare13@reddit
I think it's somewhat weird that you think that you get to be the arbiter of the relationship between other people.
Equivalent-Cicada165@reddit
Agreed
I also don't think that's even the case for many Americans/areas in the US
In many places getting people to call others a friend is like pulling teeth. Makes them feel vulnerable
AdamOnFirst@reddit
I have never heard us described as that, and I’m from one of the regions that’s like that relative to other Americans.
tiggonfire@reddit
Nobody has the bandwidth to be best friends with everyone they encounter, no matter what country you are from ir in. Yet, we don't run around being rude to everyone we don't feel a friendship connection with. Some people are better than others at detecting when there is a connection/friendship desire than others. Detecting those subtleties is more challenging being in a different culture. I guess if you think you are connecting and ask a person to get together several times and keep getting excuses, perhaps you are misreading. It could be the person is just very busy too. I'm curious what culture you are using as a comparison and how you would describe knowing the difference in that culture?
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
Great question, and I'll answer you by giving 3 examples. I'm using Asian culture, but mostly the culture of being warm.
Asking for help. My ex had a American friend group to whom he referred to as his second family, but one day, we were walking to that friend's place and it started raining. I suggested to my ex, well why don't you tell Friend we are in the rain, they can come get us. My ex said that would be rude. To me, it's like if I'm calling my friend as a second family, wanting to rely on/asking for "favors" isn't a favor, it's normal. Of course, I would still ask politely, and if they couldn’t help, that’s fine. However, I have noticed that Americans are less likely to want to inconvenience themselves in any way, and this doesn't automatically change the "closer" you get with them.
Food is tied to culture and community. To share food is to show love and to ask 'Did you eat?' is akin to genuinely asking 'How are you?" When I go out to eat with close immigrant friends, it's second nature to share food. With many American friends, people tend to prefer ordering their own food and may decline if you offer something you made, especially if they’re not sure they’ll like it. On the other hand, I've noticed some Americans are okay with sharing food if the person is a gf/bf not a regular friend. \
Expectations at social events. At meetup events, I expect the host to greet attendees and help people connect. In practice, many meetups are more unstructured. The event brings people together, but you’re still responsible for introducing yourself and mingling. For example, when someone new walks into the room, I often try to greet them. But not everyone seems to be looking for that interaction, which can make it a bit unclear what the social expectations are.
tiggonfire@reddit
Sorry, I am not clear how these examples answer the question of how you know someone wants to be your friend or not in another culture. Are you saying you would know they are a friend if they pick you up in the rain or are willing to share food at a restaurant? I feel like in the USA, some people would do those things with either friend or acquaintance and others wouldn't. I would definitely pick up either friend or acquaintance in the rain and I would share a meal with either a friend or acquaintance. As far as hosting, I think it depends a lot on the type of event. I absolutely introduce people to each other if I am hosting a gathering and if there is someone who seems like they are being left out, I would gently try to pull them in, but I wouldn't force them as it's possible they prefer not to engage. I am sorry your experience of American culture has been so negative, but I assure you that what you are perceiving does not apply to all Americans.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
The direct answer to your question is, I don’t understand the friendship norms in America, so I have no idea.
My examples weren’t meant to suggest that specific behaviors (like picking someone up in the rain or sharing food) are how I know that someone wants to be my friend. I was trying to explain that in the culture I’m used to, certain behaviors are normally expected between close friends, so they act as clear signals of closeness.
Things that I would normally interpret as basic friendship behavior don’t seem to function the same way here.
tiggonfire@reddit
Hmmm...I am sure there are different cultural norms, yes. I lived in another country for a while and I was closest with people who were also outsiders (mostly refugees) and I also felt it was difficult to make friends, probably partially because of cultural differences, but perhaps also due in part to my more introverted personality. I wish I had a clear answer for you, but I think it's kind of a broad question with a lot of factors at play. There are also a lot of subcultures within the U.S., so answers might vary from person to person. I feel like what you were saying with a ride in the rain and sharing a meal would apply here as well as far as those things being indicative that someone sees you as closer than a stranger, but I think they could occur with someone that isn't a friend too ... and also could NOT occur with someone that is a friend. I think a willingness to do favors or spend time with someone applies in the USA as a sign of friendship or willingness to explore friendship as well.
Maronita2025@reddit
We ARE polite & friendly!
GigiGenX72020@reddit
Not where I live. Rude and entitled is the norm here.
Lezlord-69@reddit
Florida?
Interesting-Virus-45@reddit
Definitely NYC
Adjective-Noun123456@reddit
Or potentially a part of Florida subjected to occupation by New Yorkers.
Interesting-Virus-45@reddit
That too.
PoolSnark@reddit
Then you must not live down South. Bless your heart.
GigiGenX72020@reddit
Please. Southerners are seriously rude and entitled. And you just proved it sweetie.
loop1960@reddit
I see what you did there. Rude and unfriendly, disguised!
Maronita2025@reddit
Then you likely do NOT know what it means to be polite since you are rude on here!
__The_Kraken__@reddit
America is a nation of 340 million people spanning 3.8 million square miles (9.8 million square kilometers). It is not a monolith culturally, any more than it is geographically. While this statement might be accurate in some places, it is completely inaccurate in, say, small-town Oklahoma, and inaccurate in a completely different way in, say, Chicago.
This is such a bizarre, judgmental take, man. Again, America is not a cultural monolith. My mom was once seated at a dinner next to a professor originally from Russia who was working at Texas Tech University in Lubbock. She made a joke about being sorry to hear that because Lubbock is not seen as an exciting place to live. But the professor said that she loved Lubbock because on the day she moved into her house, all of her neighbors showed up with a casserole, and she had never lived anywhere where she felt so welcomed.
I often see this take from non-Americans that American friendliness is "fake." But in many places, it's not. In many parts of America, people really are warm and welcoming, and really do want to be your friend. And if you're having trouble making the jump from acquaintance to actual friend, I would gently suggest that you might want to look in the mirror. Because the problem may be that you are approaching the situation with a bunch of inaccurate assumptions, and it may be that your attitude is the thing that is pushing people away.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
What I meant is that sometimes Americans describe a good conversation with a stranger as “making a friend.” For example, someone might say they went to a concert and “made a bunch of friends,” even if those were just spontaneous interactions with people they’ll probably never see again.
That phenomenon does exist even if it seems bizarre to you.
DrBlankslate@reddit
Perhaps the way we think of friends is different than the way you think of friends.
I can be friends with someone without having to know their whole life story. They could be someone that I only see at concerts of a band that we’re both fans of. Doesn’t make us any less friends. There are levels and layers to friendship.
But you did insult just about everyone in this sub by saying that most of our friends are only acquaintances. Do you understand that?
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
You're right, I meant to say that friends in certain contexts to Americans are what I would personally consider acquaintance. The intention was not to say that Americans have shallow relationships.
__The_Kraken__@reddit
As an American, I would also find that statement odd. You say that phenomenon exists, but you are describing something 99% of Americans would not say.
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Turdle_Vic@reddit
Most Americans are social people. It makes sense given our history. Those that didn’t collaborate and make random friends didn’t get as far. Networking as a lifestyle has been integrated into most Americans. It’s just become our disposition. I’m not one of the talkative, friendly ones but that doesn’t mean I’m not down for a friendly conversation. When I ask about your life, I’m actually interested. I like learning about other people. Life is so varied! Why not see what people would you are like!
musaXmachina@reddit
To be honest sometimes you don’t know, some people are opportunists and really know how to play the part.
In general there’s an analogy or a joke about Cali and NY. You get a flat tire, in Cali someone would say “how terrible hope things work out.” Friendly not nice. In NY someone might call you an idiot and help you change the tire. Not nice but friendly.
I would say polite is what people do in more formal environments or with strangers, like work or school, because it’s their job. Nice or friendly is your friends or people doing things beyond their requirements.
sean8877@reddit
Grew up in the northeast, that description is a little exagerrated (not completely but kind of). Most people don't go around calling strangers an idiot in the northeast, that would lead to actual fistfights probably. But they will say something that sounds kind of insulting like "What did you go and do that for?" while pointing at your tire or some other wise ass type remark but not usually a direct insult. But the idea is basically true, they will usually help you after busting on you a bit. But it's all part of the banter up there and not meant to really be an insult.
Kevo_1227@reddit
"Pardon me. I noticed that your car is broken down. That's a shame. I do hope everything works out for you."
vs.
"Hey nice job breaking your car, idiot. Step aside while I fix it for your dumb ass."
quitealargeorangecat@reddit
Southerners vs northerners
quietlywatching6@reddit
This is difficult for us to talk about, because the politeness/friendliness varies to us Americans wildly. But when we've been abroad, we do seem naturally friendly. It's important to understand that American culture is built on the concept of Independence, which often means that you don't have as much access to family and friends so we are collectively socially trained to make friends as Americans say with people around us and to attempt to have relationships with random people, because we don't know if we will ever need that relationship again. It's also important to understand that some of our Protestant backgrounds, include the concept of Christian friendship. So there are a lot of religious backgrounds to referring to anyone as a friend as it is our religious duty to be friendly and be a friend to those in need. You don't tend to hear us literally refer to them as friend outside of a lot of African-American Christian groups. But in the south it is very common to refer to somebody who needs help or having difficulties as hey my friend here needs help, if you don't know the name. And that mentality that exists is very similar to a lot of collective cultures with their tendency to use auntie or Uncle to describe a person in their life who they might not be close to.
No_Button_1750@reddit
OP your description is 100% the experience of my husband and I moving to the US. We experience politeness in the MidWest, please, thank you, holding doors open for people when entering shops and restaurants etc. It’s pleasant but superficial.
Getting into friendly territory seems hard.
sdduuuude@reddit
Polite is more formal - and usually in passing.
Friendly is more about trying to make a connection.
Careful_Reporter8814@reddit
While the word acquaintance is known and used here, I would say it's very formal. I would be polite to an acquaintance. Perhaps say "Hello" or "Good morning" but not show too much interest otherwise. I have work acquaintances. I also have work friends. I speak to them differently. If I strike up a real conversation with someone, share a bit about myself and learn about them, I would most likely say I made a friend. If the person is just here visiting, I wouldn't assume the friendship is going to last forever, but that is the reality for a lot of friendships even when distance isn't an issue. It seems you have a certain perspective of what makes a friend versus an acquaintance that many others, I am sure just not Americans, may use differently. However, as an American, I would consider it rude to refer to someone I enjoy spending time with and have a personal relationship with as an acquaintance. That being said, there are levels of friendship. I am closer to some of my friends than others, but acquaintance makes it sound like someone you barely know and/or only communicate with when you need to. Just my thoughts...
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
Thank you, this was an interesting perspective to read.
Careful_Reporter8814@reddit
You’re welcome! I guess to keep it short and sweet, in my view acquaintance just means I know you somehow. It doesn’t mean I like you. If I call you a friend, I like you although we may not be that close yet.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
Good to know! For me, the difference between acquaintance and friendship is the contact frequency and reciprocity. I could still like an acquaintance.
Careful_Reporter8814@reddit
That makes sense! I guess to me if I liked an acquaintance then I’d want to be friends 🤣
shammy_dammy@reddit
I consider being polite as small talk and chit chat as long as it stays shallow and is appropriate for the setting and answering certain questions such as 'how do I get to...." "How much is...." I would never call anybody I've had that level of interaction with a friend. Or even an acquaintance. Beyond that is very much up to the person, you can have plenty of Americans who have zero interest in a communal atmosphere. I can only speak from my own experience and that is that I make friends from certain groups, and I usually have to go find those groups. I know I'm not going to make friends with people I don't have common interests with, so that's where I start.
Flolita115@reddit
A lot of good answers here but I also want to add that some of this is regional - I’m in nyc and I don’t need people to say good morning to me or even please - in daily life it doesn’t matter, but when I went to a rural area in Virginia everyone was saying good morning and I was being rude for ignoring people
Budsygus@reddit
There's a saying I've heard: East coast is kind but not nice. West coast is nice but not kind.
To illustrate: If you get a flat tire on the east coast there's a chance someone will walk up and start yelling "Get out of the way you idiot. Don't even know how to change a tire. What good are you?" all while they're actually changing your tire for you.
If you get a flat tire on the west coast there's a chance people will say "Oh, I'm so sorry. That sucks. Good luck!" as they drive on by.
"Americans" aren't one thing or the other. We're a big, huge, diverse country and every state has its reputation and culture. Sure, there's lots of overlap, but by and large going from one state to another will feel noticeably different if you're paying attention.
sean8877@reddit
Haha, as someone who grew up in the northeast the "Get out of the way you idiot" is usually said with a good amount of sarcasm that other east coasters will pick up on. People not used that sarcasm might be offended but it's just a comment made in good fun with the understanding it is being said sarcastically and not as an actual insult
macrocosm93@reddit
Formality mostly
Genepoolperfect@reddit
Friends: Hey, we should hang again sometime! Acquaintance: It was nice meeting you.
Necessary-Wasabi-450@reddit
Context I suppose. A cashier is just being polite because it's their job. Someone talking to you and asking questions about your life (ex. what do you do for work, where are you from) is being friendly
Cool-Gain-7551@reddit
So I'm in the UK and used to work as a cashier in a touristy shop, and a lot of Americans would make that sort of small talk, and it felt really intrusive in a way that would be rude coming from someone local. I also hated it when tourists asked me for recommendations for places to eat etc. In both situations, honest answers would have been inappropriate, so I was performing fake niceness to please a paying customer who didn't respect boundaries, which always felt kind of icky. We always made allowances for cultural differences and knew that the people intended to be polite and friendly rather than rude, but it was still annoying to deal with.
There's a difference between that sort of questioning and a conversation where both parties form a genuine connection and are both sharing personal information at a similar level.
Blucola333@reddit
I cashier as part of my job. I keep getting in trouble for my friendliness, but people remember me! It’s all part of the training I received years back on how to be welcoming.
-Boston-Terrier-@reddit
Technically, being polite refers to adhering to social conventions/expectations while being friendly is making an attempt to be nice.
There’s tremendous overlap between the two but you can be polite without being friendly and friendly without being polite.
ElectricalTwist4083@reddit
Resisting the urge to tell you straight up to fuck off vs. inviting you in for a meal.
Bluemonogi@reddit
You can be polite without wanting to be friends. You can want to be friends but be less polite.
There are all sorts of people in the US. Some are very outgoing and others are less so.
If someone wants to be your friend they will probably hold a sustained conversation with you. They will probably be trying to figure out if you have things in common or know the same people to make a connection to you. Someone just being polite isn’t trying to make a connection.
rockninja2@reddit
What different cultures, what different people call "friends" vs. "acquaintances" can vary. If someone says they made a friend, they made a friend. They have someone who they would now call a friend, who they didn't have/didn't know earlier.
With politeness, good manners and etiquette would be polite, even if you may not like the person or people who you are interacting with. Being professional with people regardless of your relationship with them
Meowmeowmeow31@reddit
I’m gonna push back on this a bit, because I see stuff like this a lot in discussions of American friendliness. Every culture has their own definitions of friend/acquaintance/stranger, and their own ideas about how to act towards people in those categories.
When another culture’s definitions of those things don’t match with yours, their definition isn’t wrong. It’s just different.
btgolz@reddit
Depends on the region.
In the southeast, proper etiquette entails friendliness as kind of the baseline for politeness with anyone to whom you'd be indifferent, at worst. How put-on the friendliness is can vary, but the genuine friendliness level beneath it still trends higher than elsewhere.
In the midwest, the baseline is more neutral, and in the northeast, people tend toward a cold politeness.
mrOwl_1312@reddit
No
ACK_TRON@reddit
Polite is simply fallowing normal social norms/cues. Excuse me, yes sir, no mam, you’re welcome, thank you. Offering a chair/seat, welcoming someone/shaking hands. Stand up when someone leaves the table…so many others that people have mentioned. Friendly is getting to know the person. Showing genuine interest in their life or going out of their way to do something nice for them. Sending a card/text for birthday…or even present. Asking about your family/kids. Helping them do chores/move/offering to run an errand or go out of their way basically. Those are something someone that’s genuinely interested in being your friend would do.
There are certain parts of the country and situations that are unique that people will do as being polite. Example might be giving directions or suggesting food places etc…or holding the door ect but for the most part if someone is showing interest in you and your life more than just a social encounter…they are open or willing to be your friend.
rognabologna@reddit
I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota where people mistake ‘MN nice’ for being ‘MN passive aggressive.’ In reality, we value community—we pay high taxes and invest in things like public parks, education, health care, social services, etc. We’ll spend an hour helping a stranger push their car out of the snow and will chat up the person next to us in line, in a restaurant, at the airport.
The problem is, most of us don’t have room in our lives for random new friends. Almost every friend I’ve ever had still fucking lives here and so does my family. I’m 36 and I have multiple people in my circle that I’ve been close with for 30-36 years. My neighborhood friends, the kids of my parents friends who I grew up with, people I went to school with for 13 of my most formative years. The Halloween party I go to every year literally has 3 generations of friends—the parents who built houses on one new street in the 1950’s, their kids who grew up together, and their kids who they raised having playdates together.
I’m not gonna invite a stranger to a family reunion, and when every friend get-together feels like a family reunion…
To answer your question in short,
Bare fucking minimum: saying excuse me as you reach past someone in the grocery store. Offering a small smile of head not as you walk past them. If you ask me to hang out, I’m going to run away.
Polite: Seeing someone dropped something before leaving the grocery store and rushing out behind them to make sure they don’t forget it. Exchanging some brief comments about something you noticed or have in common—their car, the band tee their wearing, the weather. Sharing a chuckle. If you ask me to hang out, I’m going to back away slowly.
Friendly: chatting with the pharmacist in the grocery store who you’ve been picking your prescription up from for years. Discussing more in depth things either of you have mentioned in the past. Sharing a laugh. If you ask me to hang out, I’m going to be uncomfortable, but consider it if we have legitimate interests in common. If we just have surface level chit chat in common, I might find a new pharmacy or stop taking my meds.
Friend: spotting your childhood friend in the grocery store. Sneaking up on them and jump scaring them. Talking for 10 minutes. Finishing your shopping together. Walking with them back to their place so they can drop off their groceries. Remembering there was a movie playing that night that you want to see. Putting your food in their fridge to grab later. Spending the next 5hours together. Leaving with sore abs from laughing so hard. If you ask me to hang out, I’m going to be mad if we don’t see a member of your family at some point.
VirginiaLuthier@reddit
If you are polite in NYC they will think you are trying to con them. If you are actually friendly they will call 911
Zatzbatz@reddit
Polite is not neccesarily genuine. A lot of Americans will be nice to your face, even when saying awful things. Friendliness is genuine. And Americans do tend to be friendly! They like talking to people and making friends, but America is huge and very backwards and a lot of Americans are nervous around people who are different...
Altruistic_Role_9329@reddit
You’ve picked up on a subtle distinction in American culture that most Americans are not aware of until they’ve spent significant time living in and forming relationships in another country.
Often it’s not much difference. Americans can go from polite to friendly very quickly.
Americans struggle with this too, but if you are able to discuss the question and agree you are the sort of friends who can call each other when times are tough then that’s a pretty good sign.
DartDaimler@reddit
“Americans” are 360 million people, in a country roughly the size of all of Europe. We have shared national culture but also a huge variety of cultural styles, regional cultures, urban vs. rural cultures, cultures of the various backgrounds we learned either from our immigrant families (who may have been here 500 years or two weeks) or from our Native American tribes (of which there are nearly 600).
So I don’t think there’s one answer that will work for you everywhere in the US. We generally think of ourselves as friendly and welcoming, but the line between polite & friendly moves depending on where you are and who you’re talking to.
MonteCristo85@reddit
Effort. Thats how you know.
Everyone will say, we should get together, or we should have coffee.
But who calls?
thatsaSagittarius@reddit
I like to use this example: a few years ago my car just kept randomly not starting even after bringing it to multiple mechanics. Car didn't start in a gas station. One guy got out of his car, just said "put it in neutral" and pushed me into a parking spot before walking away. Didn't say anything else.
I visit my brother in VA often. Once saw someone trying to get air into their tire. They had a pump but were struggling to get it attached. I saw multiple people walking by, saying "Oh that's terrible hope you get it attached" without bothering to stop & help.
New England: Kind not nice
VA: Nice but not kind
PerformerMindless100@reddit
Op I think I know where you are aiming at. I’m a friendly, oversharing, chatty Midwesterner in public, but we don’t have a culture of hospitality that has its own rules in other places and must be engaged in as people grow into friendship . When I visit the homes of more recent immigrants in US or abroad, there is this hospitality that is so special- you are offered everything and made to feel comfortable about it. When you become real friends there is a warmth and kindness that is so special and so different from even good friends at a house party in the US.
We are taught to fear people from the Middle East but OMG if you are lucky enough to have someone from Lebanon or Iran as your friend- the formalness of being gracious and kind and making you comfortable without adopting a surface level friendly demeanor, but then the intimacy you see with long term friends makes me see what we can miss in the US because we don’t always take the time for others that we might ought to.
DazzlingTie4119@reddit
Okay so this is one of my favorite topics. Most of our culture comes from two things: puritan roots ( idolizing work) and remote living ( casual way of dress). If you saw someone once a month when you were in town you’d be cordial. For most Americans the olive branch of friendship comes down to specifics.
“We should hang out sometime” general niceness
“I’m going to see the foo fighters on Saturday you should come with” friendship
America also is huge you need to treat most states like their own country. What state are you trying to make friends in?
whatshouldwecallme@reddit
"We should hang out sometime" is not "general niceness".
That phrase is an *invitation* to friendship--not friendship itself, but a statement that you're willing to explore being friends with them more if they are also interested.
I think some people feel that when there's no follow through, it means the statement was a lie/only intended to seem polite. Lack of follow-through is fine, it happens to everyone. Not following through is actually the appropriate thing to do if the other person doesn't reciprocate the invitation/feeling.
DazzlingTie4119@reddit
Agree to disagree here! I live in Rocky Mountain region and it’s used almost as an informal goodbye with 0 intentions to hang out.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
I’m based in the Southeast. Georgia/Alabama/TN
GrimSpirit42@reddit
"Friendly" is asking about someone's day, discussing sports, suggesting places they should eat at or inviting them over.
"Polite" is saying 'Have a nice day' when you really want to say 'You're a fucking idiot'.
StrengthFew9197@reddit
Being polite is basically just manners. Necessary for a civil society. Being friendly is having pleasant interactions or conversations for no other reason than kindness or interest or even someone’s nature. I don’t want to say it’s unnecessary (because I believe it is), but more that it’s a choice.
RhubarbBusy7122@reddit (OP)
In that case, a lot of people have seemed talkative or friendly but not necessarily polite
D3Bunyip@reddit
Thinking in terms of the US as one would think of a country in Europe is misleading. A more useful mental analogy would be to think of the USA as made up of 5 to 7 regions. There are strong regional differences, and some areas have distinct hyper-local characters. For example, New York City residents and people from "upstate New York" differ widely. People from CA have their own, very different stereotypes (Some of which are pretty accurate, others not so much).
WowsrsBowsrsTrousrs@reddit
It depends on where you go in the US. There are big differences in what counts as polite between north and south, between coasts and midwest, between cities and rural. There's a saying that in the north people are kind but not nice; in the south, people are nice but not kind. I personally show my friendliness by volunteering to help people, rather than by using polite social chitchat.
loop1960@reddit
Agree with this. Personally, I dislike a ton of sugary words that arent backed up by action.
EmotionalStar9909@reddit
Politeness is saying things like “please” or “thank you”, not putting your elbows on the table at a meal, chewing with your mouth closed, holding a door open for someone who has their hands full, moving out of someone’s way if you’re walking down the road & things of that nature. Being friendly is about taking a genuine interest in someone else. Asking them questions, paying attention to and remembering what they say.
Virtual_Win4076@reddit
I had to work in the New York City area for a while after Hurricane Sandy (electrical worker) and at first I thought people were rude but really they just aren’t fake. I was calling the customers sir and Ma’am and one of the local guys says stop that, just be straight with them. This guy comes out and starts complaining at us and the local guy tells him to get the hell back in the house or he will be the last to get power. The guys ok, ok no need to get pissed off. That’s just the way they communicate but I never saw so much kindness too. They would bring us bagels and coffee and stuff like that.
jlanger23@reddit
Southern U.S here. If I'm being polite, it's using basic manners, holding open the door, giving up my seat etc..
If I'm being friendly, we probably had a good conversation where you hit common ground, share a laugh, and things of that nature. If I say "I made a friend today," it was more being friendly. It means I had a great conversation with someone new, and they seem like they could be a friend in the future.
As others said, the U.S has many cultures, though.
orcas-@reddit
Friendly and a friend are two different things. I will hold a door open for older people, or a mom with little kids, or make chit chat on line at supermarket. But i wouldn’t invite those people into my house with my kids. I have coworkers i am friendly with, it doesn’t mean i can make time available to hang out with them outside of work. Also lots of Americans experience time poverty - between work and kids, i have close to zero time for myself, let alone for my best friends of decades- let a lone a stranger who is looking for friends.
Crazycatlover@reddit
It sounds like what you're actually asking is "how do I know if an American wants to befriend me?" which is a very different question than what you posted. Unfortunately this is highly regional. I grew up in Albuquerque and can usually figure out the intentions of Southwesterns. But then I lived in Indiana for five years. No idea. Absolutely none at all. Basically we don't know either
Direct-Wolverine7846@reddit
I'm American from the Northeast but also lived half my life in Florida both North and South Florida which are completely different. I honestly have no idea how to tell when they're being polite or just friendly. I do have ADHD so maybe that's it?
tabby90@reddit
So the question at the end there is how do you know when somebody is just being social versus wants to be a friend. And I guess that's the thing. If your polite and friendly to anyone, then eventually anyone can be your friend.
We don't decide who's going to be our friend the first time we meet them. Friendship comes through prolonged relationships that build over time. But they can't start with being rude to each other. So everybody we meet is a potential friend.
DiscontentDonut@reddit
TL;DR - Even Americans have difficulty sometimes with interpreting friendliness versus simply warm and polite.
Something I think a lot of people don't realize is Americans actually struggle with this as well. One of the most common examples is men misinterpreting women.
I have worked many customer service jobs over the years, and I am always the type to bend over backwards and be inherently nice to absolutely everyone. Part of it is the job, but part of it is also just my nature. I grew up a people pleaser. In my 30s, I'm a handsome woman, but in my 20s I was a cutie patootie.
I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many times a man would mistake my kindness for romantic interest. And this wasn't something that was limited to a specific age range, race, background, etc. Men of all varieties would try to turn a polite and warm customer service interaction into a flirty endeavor.
Another common example that you can even see in Hollywood movies, and it does carry over into real life, is one sided friendships. Kind hearted American people who are warm in general are constantly, constantly taken advantage of by other Americans who are more scheming and/or selfish.
Take the movie Mean Girls as a prime image of this. The popular girls were never really the friend of the new girl, but because the new girl had good intentions, she just assumed the popular girls also had good intentions. And while this movie is an extreme example, this does actually happen fairly often in less dramatic ways.
Because we are such a warm and inviting people, it's also difficult for us to tell when some strangers have ill intentions. This is how infamous serial killers such as Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and John Wayne Gacy were all able to go on such a long rampage. Every single one of them was friendly, polite, charming, and inviting.
Gacy is, unfortunately, a great example of this. He loved to make people laugh, he would support his local community, used his success with his business to help out others with money, provided jobs, etc. Even when he was literally hand-cuffing his victims so they couldn't leave, they let him because he was telling a joke and saying he was showing them a magic trick he learned.
Bundy would act wounded, counting on people to be nice and want to help him, using their warmth against them. He quite literally used the American friendliness as a way to find victims, pretending to be vulnerable so the women would come to his aide.
Kindly-Gap6655@reddit
I think politeness can be small talk, a short conversation is friendly, but people really pursuing a friendship would have deeper conversations that they follow up on later (hey, how did your appointment go?) or making plans (I also enjoy X, you should come along to my X club next week).
sum_dude44@reddit
In America, business is king. In general, extroverts do better in business, so being extroverted is viewed as a positive quality. This has translated to Americans having more social pressures to be extroverted (though w/ SM, this has been dialed back a little). Foreigners view this as transactional, b/c it often is (eg the old cliche of I'm in love with/ the stripper or bartender).
But it's not always--there's lots of chatty people in the south or NE or midwest who love to talk, & being that that there's + social pressures to talk (as opposed to say London metro), they will talk any chance they get
Vachic09@reddit
It varies depending upon where you are.
undreamedgore@reddit
There's actually three catagories: Polite, Friendly and nice.
Polite is more of a high level quality. It can or can't include being nice, but it's more about following social expectations. This can be done rigidly or more naturally. But so long as they're followed it's a faux paw to call someone out for being rude (even if they are.)
Friendly is a different quality. But it doesn't necessitate being polite. It's more about engaging with another as an equal, and being open to further interactions.
Nice is generally a subset of polite. But it's about being respectable and engaging with another, without that status of equality. Superiors, people who aren't seeking real engagement, and service workers are generally nice but not friendly.
The easiest way to tell the difference is tone, and how scripted the interaction seems. Tonnally, a friendly person will usually be more animated, with more of their attention focused on you as an individual. While a nice person will either be less focused or take on a more mentor tone.
xSparkShark@reddit
Context and vibes I guess. There really isn’t a way to know for certain if someone is just being cordial. If you feel like you hit it off with someone you should hit them up to hang out again. If they don’t want to they’ll find a way to decline.
Mailman354@reddit
Southerners are polite, but not friendly. (They'll give you proper greetings but if your different from them theyll really want you to leave ASAP and ostraciz you if you stay, gossip and insults)
Northerners are not polite, but are friendly(theyll rudely tell you to get the fuck out of the way but onxe you actually get to know them youre in tight no matter who you are)
xannieh666@reddit
This honestly is a hard question to answer....because there is so much Nuance.
The South for instance, people will say it's polite, well mannered but not kind.
That is both true and not true. You have southerners that definitely put on airs. They will be very polite... but also reserved and cold.
You will also have a southerner who loves to laugh, give you hard time and seems a bit rude but it's because they like you and would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it.
Then you have the rest of America who usually falls in between. Most are super friendly, really interested in knowing your story and willing to help to a point.
Also there seems to be a bit of a generational differences.... younger adults seem to be far more reserved and not nearly as open as we used to be....
So to answer your question...yes we usually known the difference....
Sibby_in_May@reddit
Depends on the state and from person to person.
Roam1985@reddit
Polite is speaking respectfully, but not seeking any further conversation beyond the task.
Friendly actually asks about people beyond task.
Lance-Boyle-666@reddit
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Broad_Tie9383@reddit
This varies a lot, regionally. Some areas are more direct and less friendly, but often pretty kind and open, while other areas are more surface friendly, but more closed off when it comes to real kindness or friendship.
Electronic-Smile-457@reddit
In English, at least in the U.S., "friendly" means being nice. Small talk: talking about the weather, asking and listening about your day, kids, vacation, etc. Many Americans truly enjoy this part of their day. It's not the same as asking to be friends. People might suggest we "do something sometime". If you want to actually move into this friend zone, it will have to be more specific. probably with a shared hobby. Or a "hey, I'll be at this bar (pub) if you want to join me/us."
2muchtequila@reddit
Polite is please and thank you. Friendly is being kind and talkative.
You can be friendly but not polite as in someone asks if you want a drink and you say "Hell yeah man! Give me one of those delicious mother fuckers."
You can be polite but not friendly as in "Sir, Unfortunately, I have to ask you to please leave immediately.
The_Bababillionaire@reddit
Friendliness is an attitude. Politeness is adherence to rules and conventions.
Dr_Watson349@reddit
If I said I made a friend I made a friend.
No idea where you are getting this acquaintance nonsense.
No-Fix-614@reddit
Polite is surface level like small talk, smiles, and “we should hang out,” friendly is when they actually follow up, make time, and let you into their real life.
officerboba@reddit
I try not to make it too complicated, if the atmosphere is good then I’ll take it but if the vibe ain’t vibing then you can’t force it.
At the same time, as an Asian American, whenever I visit red states, I know white folks tend to be quiet near me because they don’t know how I’ll act and I feel like that’s okay, I don’t get offended in any way, I get it in their POV, so I usually greet and see how it goes and usually they start softening up and then a conversation ensue
To be fair though, I’m extrovert and I like to yap, I can yap about most topics so I can make people comfortable if I want to, but that’s not always the case and if it feels forceful, then it’s no use
Low-Restaurant8484@reddit
Polite is not being a jerk
Friendly is actively being warmer then necesarry
Politeness is just being respectful, friendly is trying to give somebody a positive experience
Aggressive_Eagle1380@reddit
We are welcoming I think is a better word.
Temporary_Present640@reddit
To me polite is holding the door open for someone. Friendly is smiling and saying hi while you do it.
OneNerdyLesbian@reddit
I wouldn't say Americans are doing it just to make a situation smoother. People genuinely like talking to other people.
A lot of the time, Americans are happy to become friends with people if they hit it off while talking. It just depends on a wide variety of factors, like whether or not you have things in common or if they even have time to establish a new friendship (because they might be busy with family or work). It's true that there's no expectation though. We don't think in terms of "if I make small talk with this person, then I must become friends with them."
o93mink@reddit
You know through decades of experience in that social milieu.