Moved abroad for love

Posted by Ill-Coast5685@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 37 comments

Hi!

I’m American and moved to Belgium in August of 2025. I’m adapting, trying to make friends(doing coffee meet ups, etc), enrolled in Dutch classes immediately and am already at level 1.2….for me it feels like I really dove into trying to make a life here with my partner. The downside is that I work a remote NYC job, and the hours suck. So my daily life isn’t set up for harvesting friendships well since I work when most ppl get out(3pm-12am). But we’ve managed to make it work, but I can feel some tension brewing between us. I feel a bit underwhelmed by life here and all the adjustments take a toll sometimes which he just hears as complaining. He’s insanely positive, but I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t understand all that I gave up.

Working remote, I moved to Costa Rica for a year then Panama for 2 years….i lived in small beach towns and lived the life I always dreamed of. I had a community around me, but then I met my partner. We did long distance and eventually since I work remote I moved here.

I miss my old life and the freedom I had so much. I love my partner, but I’m worried that all the “sacrifices” I made will lead to if they haven’t already, resentment.

For instance, a new source of tension-I can’t leave the country right now(not even outside of Schengen) while my visa is being processed. My partner however can. And he is planning a trip with his friends in two weeks to enjoy the beach/warmth in Portugal and then again in August to Sardinia. All while I’m still stuck here. I feel so selfish for not wanting him to go, but it makes me feel more like I’m in the process alone…like I’m the only one who had to make all the sacrifices. The trip to Portugal is also only because some ppl had already requested time off and then they had to move the date to August. So rather than what feels like taking a step back to understand that I gave up what he is going to visit, it’s disregarded. It’s more of “well why wouldn’t I, why would you not want me to go, I would want the same for you”…..but that’s all easier said than done because I CANT LEAVE.

Add in the frustrations around New culture, which the ppl are nice but not friendly/it’s near impossible to make friends with a Belgian. New social norms of what’s okay and not in relationships here…

I can’t even talk to my family and friends like I used to because now it’s an 8hr difference.

I can’t grab a drink after work on a Friday because well I get out at 12.

I sit around in his friend groups and they speak Dutch unless I speak up and say something…and yes I know I’m in Belgium which is why I’m taking classes…but it feels isolating. And my partner will remember often to switch but there are so many times that it’s second nature or he says that the other person doesn’t feel comfortable speaking English etc….

I’m just frustrated and it’s hard to explain to someone how to understand me. But I also don’t like that it feels like I’m keeping score…”I did this sacrifice, so now you do too”….

Idk what the right response to him is sometimes so I’m always super honest and I feel like maybe sometimes it’s not best because it just makes me so whiny and selfish.

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Strict-Armadillo-199@reddit

I came to Germany 24 years ago and immediately knew it wasn't my place/people, but met someone and did that thing where I thought I'd never meet anyone else so great and that love conquers all challenges, and I stayed. I'd had pretty amazing experiences working previously in other countries to compare it to, like you.

I don't want to talk Belgium of Germany down, but it's not the life you had in Costa Rica or even the US and it never will be, even once you're fluent. Very different pace of life, different values, much more reserved. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self the smart thing to do was move on. At 53 I know now that new love interests do turn up again in life, and that love does NOT conquer vast cultural differences in a marriage or the deep depression and despair that sets in after years of being unable to work in one's field or feel content and safe in a social circle/community of one's choosing.

If you have the opportunity to continue working in a satisfying career in places like you lived previously, I hate that you're suffering as you are, especially with a partner that doesn't seem attuned to how difficult a cultural and just life adjustment it is you're facing. Dealing with a place you don't live is hard enough when it's the world's most understanding, sympathetic, supportive partner.

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dallyan@reddit

Hi. Wow, I sound a lot like you but a bit younger and in Switzerland instead. It is indeed a long, lonely road. Have you ever thought of going back home?

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CandleTiger@reddit

My great-grandmother left Europe to marry and follow her new husband back to the USA more than 100 years ago, died long before I was born, and was unhappy enough with the culture that this knowledge was passed down three generations and even I know about it today.

Not all love stories are happy stories.

No-Ambition-3386@reddit

I live in France with my French partner so i can understand your position a bit more. Could he not plan trips with you inside Belgium if you cant leave? My bf has European friends who also plan trips separately to their partner too but they are extremely independent. This might be a difference in opinion/cultural difference. My partner and I wouldnt plan separate trips but my partner is also not fully European caucasian. I would try to become friends with people who are expats and more internationally minded so they speak English and you also have a social life separate to ur life with ur bf. I just deal with it when my bf's friends and fam speak French but they switch occasionally to make sure im comfortable. People are the same in France and stick to staying friends with Frenchies.

Neverland__@reddit

I will tell you, I will never sacrifice more than what someone else is willing to give up for me.

What are they doing for you? If I were you, I’d go back to Costa Rica lol

FWIW I am also a digital nomad kinda, currently in El Salvador surfing every day. No person should make me give that up

queenofthepoopyparty@reddit

How’s El Salvador?? My husband and I were thinking of taking a trip there, any rec’s?

Extremely nice, people are very kind and friendly! My criteria is like 90% focused on the wave tbh but I would recommend. It is developing tho, like the rest of Central America….

Subterraniate2@reddit

I think I’d head back to Costa Rica as soon as possible, and pre-empt an inevitability.

adrianoh11@reddit

👆🏻

arachnid_nope@reddit

A lot of people are jumping to extremes in how you should respond, but as someone who was in a very similar situation a few years ago I would reach out to your close friends/family and have a very open conversation with them about how you're feeling. People you trust to hear you and see you, and hear what they have to say on it. And have a very open and honest conversation with your partner about the things you meet to feel safe and supported during one of the biggest life transitions one can make.

Be very honest with yourself about his responses to you, and whether or not he's showing you he's capable of supporting you in the ways you need.

Neither I nor any of the folks on here can tell you whether or not you should stay and persevere, but I will say the vacations - and moreover the seeming lack of understanding about how that would be harmful to you - is a red flag for me personally. My ex never understood what I went through moving to his country, no matter how many times I explained, and the casualness with which your partner seems to disregard your struggle and sacrifice reminds me of how I was treated in that relationship. Not saying that's the truth, but it did remind me of that experience.

Wishing you the very best of luck, amd the reminder that no choice is a wrong choice, and that you can change your mind about anything at any time. When I was in your shoes those decisions felt like the weight of the world, and pike once I'd made them they'd written in stone. They're not, and you never have to stick with anything if you realize it's not for you <3

idreamofchickpea@reddit

Your partner is kind of an ass :(

Rev-Dr-Slimeass@reddit

I'm in a similar situation, but reacting much differently.

Based on what you've said, I think that the big difference between us is that I am okay in isolation. I make friends online. I go places alone. I don't mind having people around, but I am happy to be alone too.

My partner has left to go on trips while I could not a few times. I was okay with that. I have a cat that I care about and that is the company I need.

I think you should ask yourself if isolation is something you can adapt to. If it isn't, then that probably answers the question on what you should do with your life.

Lox_Bagel@reddit

The trips your partner is taking very much relates to the stories I hear from expat women and their french husbands here. Not one, not two, not three. Many. I tried to start a relationship with one last year and I quickly noticed that he was basically doing the same thing, but with the time we had off and supposedly should spend together as a new couple. Always prioritizing his friends, his wishes, his lifestyle. As I was aware of some of those stories already, I cut it right in the beginning. Maybe that’s cultural, idk and idc, this is a big no for me. I hope you find happiness

appeltje91@reddit

I’m also American but have lived in NL and Switzerland over the last 10 years. Just wanted to comment that relationship expectations are, in my experience, very different between Flemish/Dutch people and Americans. I think Americans typically have more of an expectation that sometimes you make sacrifices for your partner/relationship and that’s just part of it. Dutch men, at least in my experience, do not have this same mentality. That’s not to say that either is better or worse, but I think realizing this sooner would have made my earlier attempts at relationships over here a lot easier.

Beyond the difficulty of working a challenging schedule and integrating into a new country, I think you should really think about whether that approach to partnership works for you.

Legitimate-Error-633@reddit

Would it be an idea to, when he’s gone, do a ‘grand tour’ of Belgium and visit every major sight? Brugge, Blankenberg, Antwerp, Brussels, the Ardennes etc? Secretly that can be an evaluation of your decission (and relationship?).

I’m a bit confused by the ‘I can’t leave the country, not even the Schengen area’. You should be able to travel in Schengen which includes Portugal. There literally are no borders inside Schengen!

Round_Transition_346@reddit

I won’t be able to leave Sweden for the very same reason and my Swedish partner is planning summer with me here. What the hell is you partner doing? I’m so sorry. We abdicate so much, there must be compromise…

I feel I could be you. I don’t speak Swedish, I’m learning. But his friends switch to English so I can participate, sometimes of course Swedish happens and it’s ok but most of the time, they speak English so I feel included.

You moved all the way for this? :( what does he say? I don’t feel it’s ok…

Appropriate_Tea_1794@reddit

Leave now before you have kids and are stuck there. Your partner has showed you who they are and what their priorities are. Believe them.

Please move back. I got stuck with a kid. You don’t want that happening.

I think it’s fucked up that he’d just take off on two holidays while you can’t.

That said, having married into a similar situation, I would advise a woman to NEVER leave a good career in her country for an uncertain one in a new country because of a man. Nope.

JezWTF@reddit

Your frustrations are valid.
Focussing on 'all you gave up' is unhealthy and will cause the relationship to fail. Ultimately you willingly chose that and it's a choice you personally made and your partner owes you nothing for it. That may sound harsh, but it's reality.
Find a third party to vent your immigration frustrations to. Immigration is really hard and you may need therapy if not a trusted friend to talk to easily.

samen_thuis@reddit

I moved to the Netherlands a few weeks ago, also for love. I told my boyfriend that I was a bit worried about not knowing Dutch and being excluded from conversations. So, he asks his friends and family to speak English whenever I’m around, and moves them back to English if they start talking in Dutch.

If you haven’t already, tell your partner how you feel and ask for what you need. Maybe he’s insensitive, or maybe he’s just not fully aware and needs it spelled out for him.

whysweetpea@reddit

I have a close friend who married a Belgian and the language issue is one of the reasons she hated it there. The people around her just never bothered to include her, and her husband never stood up for her. They ended up moving to the UK, then Singapore, and both are much happier now. I am in a similar relationship (Canadian married to Dutch) and my husband told everyone “she speaks English so we speak English when she’s with us.” Terrible for my language learning, fantastic for my social inclusion. Nowadays I understand most of what I hear but I still need to work on my speaking.

I do think that in many relationship like yours (and mine), the partner who is from the country just can’t conceptualise how isolating it is. And they don’t understand the level of sacrifice, because they’ve never had to do it. But I personally don’t think that you’re asking too much at all!! It is incredibly important to make your feelings clear asap - it doesn’t matter if other people think you’re whiny or whatever, you still have a right to express your needs and feelings. If he takes it on board, great. If not, well now you know how he expects to carry out this relationship and you can plan accordingly.

Best of luck!

Early_Divide_8847@reddit

My husband would literally never leave me to go on a trip that my visa restricted. What the actual fuck?? Hell no dude that’s rude af. Book a flight back asap, Belgium sucks to live in anyway.

Vast_Balance3754@reddit

You two are very similar. You're both selfish and don't want to be limited by the other. You're upset that he's going to travel without you and he doesn't want to be limited by you waiting for a visa. He has friends and he's already booked a vacation with them, but he can't cancel the vacation. And you want to force him to cancel because you feel limited by leaving your beach house and community. Do you really have good reasons for being together?

llbrook@reddit

Bad advice but technically you can travel within Schengen during the period you just can’t get caught. And if you do, it’s on a case by case basis but you probably just have to restart the family reunification process. That’s what my gemeente told me. I traveled to the US during that period because it was over Christmas and I wasn’t about to let the Belgian government tell me I couldn’t see my family haha (this was 10 years ago but I know others who more recently have also traveled)

bedake@reddit

I tried working in Europe on Mountain time and like you I really suffered, couldn't really do much aside from work since I was chugging caffeine to be alert for meeting late in the evening and then waking up too late to make much of my morning/day. Honestly I think I realized unless I got a job with completely flexible hours or in Europe my dream of moving there is on hold until I retire.

Sufficient-Job7098@reddit

Sure, I moved for love, but I did this NOT for my partner, but for myself. So there was no resentment towards my partner, there were consequences of my decisions. Overall I am happy with my decision to move abroad, to establish family with my partner, to raise kids away from my side of the family.

That said, just like any other family we of course have our own issues but those aren’t related to immigration.

For example:

My partner left for work for two weeks while I stayed home with kids. This I understood.

If my partner were to leave for a fun trip while I was stuck at home with kids, I would resent this.

But generally we do occasionally go on separate fun trips. And generally there is no resentment.

anjaliv@reddit

Hmm it feels like you are making all the sacrifices because you really are. I’m sorry, it’s always going to be one or the other making the sacrifices for closing the distance in the other’s country :/ no ones fault

FinestTreesInDa7Seas@reddit

It's hard for us strangers to judge your partner's actions. But I think one thing that is for certain is that your partner isn't doing enough to help you through a period that is likely one of the most alienating and stressful periods of your life.

Packing up and moving to his country was a massive sacrifice for you, and the fact that he's planning a vacation with his friends without you a poor choice on his part.

Primary-Angle4008@reddit

You really need to consider if this is right for you and if this is what you want for love

Now I relocated for love so I get it but my husband was super supportive back then snd helped me wherever he could

I made my own friends over time but it’s a slow process. What you describe definitely doesn’t sound he is as supportive as he should be to start with and being quiet self absorbed about the holidays

ayystarks@reddit

I’m not understanding why your partner didn’t replan the travels or postpone them or just not go. I think your partner is the selfish one.

SchoolForSedition@reddit

The time difference is very influential. It makes you live separate from your present environment. Of course you feel as though life is going on around you but you can’t fit in.

Perhaps you can move to a local job, or something remote but on more Belgium-friendly time.

Dutch speakers usually speak English extremely well. They may not realise you find them speaking Dutch to be a bit hostile. Often learners are very fed up if they get no practice. It really will help you learn to be immersed.

Visas are a nuisance, but that issue will vanish.

Strict-Joke236@reddit

I've known people who did what you were doing. Moved to another country for love. Sitting in friend's groups where they speak their native tongue. Gave up my country for yours thinking Then comes the gradual distancing between partners over time because it's just not working out on multiple levels. Love is not enough. YMMV but you picked a tough road to drive on.

Tardislass@reddit

Taking two holidays in two months while you sit home? Thats a choice. I would ask myself if love is really enough. Partner seems not to want to make any changes. Be glad you are married yet.

UserSPD@reddit

Through thick and thin, which means support too. I've been there and done that. It is not easy to adjust sometimes and that is just something that any amount of positivity from the other side will not fix. He just needs to listen and understand that you need support and you need to talk about your feelings.

I think I’d head back tonCosts Rica really, abd pre-empt the inevitable.