Did you feel cultural or family pressure to have children young?
Posted by ToxicAdamm@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 66 comments
I saw a report today, that 52 percent of U.S. women in "the childbearing years" do not have a child yet. Economics, of course, were to blame. Other factors were also mentioned (fear of the future, decline in teen pregnancy, education about the costs of bringing a child into the world, etc).
The one thing I don't see mentioned, in these articles, is the dramatic shift in cultural pressure to have children. Whether it was from peers, family members, television, etc. Growing up it felt very palpable in my circles. It was also something my parents and their friends talked about experiencing growing up. If you weren't going to college, then you better start getting a family. If you didn' t, then you were seen as a loser. It was even more pronounced in the rural areas, according to my cousins.
I think it's an important piece of this discussion and since young people have no context for it, they can't even understand it.
I think it's a great thing that has improved the quality of life for people not to be shamed to be childless or even want them. It's one of those little improvements in society, we don't really talk about.
kevbayer@reddit
No pressure to, but did anyway.
noseleaptilbklyn@reddit
No
frododog@reddit
Yes, but I somehow was smart enough to not have children with my mad, bad, and abusive first husband. And then it just never was the right time or the right person, and then I was too old when I met the right man. I have no regrets but I do feel like my family has been actually pretty mean about my lack of offspring ... lots of implying that it's so sad etc. However, doing whatever I want, whenever I want, for my whole life is a consolation, LOL. Also I've become good friends with the best of the nieces and nephews.
dreadful_cookies@reddit
I was a dad at 24 and everyone said I was too young. I was a single dad by 27 and everyone said it would be too hard, especially raising a daughter. She grew up awesome and made me a grandpa and I'm young enough to do grandpa stuff and not get too worn out at 57.
I know guys my age with kids in elementary school, good luck making it to their college graduation, dude.
Accomplished-Leg5216@reddit
no. but i wouldnt have cared if so bc my parents were miserable i just did not see a lot of benefit for me if its not something i wanted. fortunately idgaf about what others think anyway
Fun_Independent_7529@reddit
Not here. My parents married & started their family young. For me in particular (only girl) they wanted me to wait. Well, at least my mother did. I think she knew I'd have a hard time with being at home with children. (and I did not stay home with the kids when we did have them -- she was right that it would have been very difficult for me)
CraftLass@reddit
Nope. All the pressure was to not have kids before getting at least one master's degree and being financially capable of supporting a family well on only my own income with no support from anyone. Degrees, settling into an actual career (not job), marriage, owning a home, kids, in that order.
My own mom finished her PhD at 30 so she would be a huge hypocrite if she said anything different.
cadien17@reddit
It was don’t even think about marriage or children until you’ve finished college and started a solid career. There was a lot of divorce in my family, so being self-sufficient was really emphasized.
ShutYourDumbUglyFace@reddit
Anyone who knows me knows better than to even go there.
StarDewbie@reddit
No, never. Guess I was lucky.
ONROSREPUS@reddit
No. I never got pressured at all. I was pretty clear from a young age that I was never ever having kids. My wife had a little pressure but mostly just from her one aunt and uncle, it was odd. We are childless and happy.
PahzTakesPhotos@reddit
I had kids young, because we got married young. (we waited over two years to even try, had our first right before our third anniversary). I wasn't pressured by anyone other than the grand timeline of "get married, have kids, that's just what you do". My mother-in-law was very upset when we announced the pregnancy to the family (y'know, we called my parents first, then called his parents- we were stationed in Kansas. My parents were moving from Alaska to Wisconsin. His parents were stationed in South Carolina). We actually joked that we needed to have our kids while he was in the Army otherwise we'd never be able to afford to have them.
When my kids (we had three- 36f, 34m, 32f) were growing up, I made it clear that having kids was their choice and the only thing I ever wanted was for my kids was to be happy. Want kids? Have them, I'll be as grandma as I can. Don't want kids? Fine, don't have them. It's their life, not mine.
itwillmakesenselater@reddit
No, but... I have four (much) older siblings that all had their kids when I was still in school.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
Totally!
My mother got knocked up by may dad, dropped out of school, married him, and had her first kid at 18.
My oldest sister had a kid at 19. My other sister got married at 19 and had her first kid at 21.
I got pregnant in college and had my first kid at 20. I would have explored other options, but when I went to our family doctor for severe fatigue, and he called our house to give the surprise blood test results, my mother eavesdropped on the extension and of course she would allow no other option than for me to have it.
Then, I met my first husband a couple years later and after I married him, everyone in the family started asking when I was going to "give him one of his own". So I caves and did.
The sperm donor of my first kid disappeared when I was five months along, and my husband/father of the second one turned out to have addiction and rage issues, so I divorced him and got no help because he fluctuated between not working at all and only having disability income.
So yay! I ended up supporting myself and two kids with almost zero help. And had a hard time working my way up with no degree.
Thank god my kids broke the cycle. They are both in their thirties and childless. The oldest does want one eventually, the youngest never wants children.
I'm Ok with whatever they decide. I just don't want them to ever have to go through what I did.
PopeInThePizza@reddit
I didn't have pressure to have kids in my late teens/early 20s, but I had the understanding from the time I was around six that I was the only one who could carry on the family name, no matter the age I had children. Didn't though and the name will die with me.
Fluffymanolo@reddit
The only time it was anything was at my 5 year high school reunion. A classmate asked how many kids I had and was shocked when I said zero. Most people had 2 or 3 by then. They often started before graduation. No idea what everyone is up to because that was the last time I went. I wasn't into high school when I was there and keep in touch with my core group.
DPax_23@reddit
We had our kid when I was 41 and my wife was 37.
LimeCharacter5399@reddit
Interesting
DPax_23@reddit
Causing a 3 year delay in early retirement though.
LimeCharacter5399@reddit
What I didn't understand about this repost is that a news reporter said that the fact that pregnancies has reduced by 7% between the ages of 17 and 19 is a problem. I am still in awe because wtf, how is that a problem.
lindabhat@reddit
My grandmother (born 1918) started hassling my older sister to hurry up and get married and have kids before she was too old. Sister ignored her. Eventually grandma gave up sister and started on me, and I ignored her. She gradually realized it wasn’t going to happen, anytime soon at least, and gave up. Grandma died and eventually my sister married at 33 and I married at 30. My sister had two kids in her late 30s and I also eventually did at 39 and 42. We didn’t have any pressure from our parents. Most of my high school class (rural community) has grandchildren now, my youngest is just getting out of elementary school. It’s fine, though. We’re financially stable and can give our kids the great advantage of not heading into college going into debt.
Ianthin1@reddit
Like many of us I dated a girl throughout my senior year. We seemed destined for something long term after graduation. Around the time of prom, she started looking for apartments in the paper. Both of us had a great family background, tons of support and no pressure to move out. She became insistent we move in together and start a family. It was the opposite of what little discussion we had put into these topics up until then. We split up a few weeks after graduation, and she was married with a kid on the way by Christmas.
I on the other hand dated sparingly for 10-12 years while I lived my life, doing what I wanted when I wanted, until I met my wife at 32. We have been married for 18 years and together 19 with a 9yo daughter.
lovemydogs1969@reddit
Yes, somewhat from my family but I was the first in my family to attend/graduate college. My parents were divorced and my mother never said anything (I'm an only child and I think she suffered severe postpartum depression so that clocks), but my father told me constantly that my eggs were drying up. I got married at 25 (almost 26), and had my first child at 31, my second at 35. I had absolutely no problems getting pregnant. Shockingly got pregnant with my first on the first "try".
We had some people like my parents' friends say things like "If you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them." But we did wait until we felt financially stable. The people that were saying that were never going to be financially stable.
I'm telling my kids to be very thoughtful about whether they want to have kids, because the world that Gen X thought was getting better and better in the 90's has only gotten worse. I don't have a lot of faith in a bright future for my kids. I think to some extent they will always struggle because the labor market is so volatile. I mean, Gen X struggled too, but it's very different now. I also don't know if my kids will be able to afford to buy a house one day. My oldest is in a great field and is doing well, but my youngest is still in college and wants to enter a creative field.
CheezyGoodness55@reddit
The honesty and realism reflected in your approach with your own kids is admirable. "..the world that Gen X thought was getting better and better in the 90's has only gotten worse." The world we were born into was experiencing positive wins for civil rights, women's rights, the environment and protections for those less fortunate. Today, society is regressing in almost every way. Bringing new people into the world is about hope, and there doesn't seem to be a lot of that going around these days.
WoodsofNYC@reddit
in my circle, the pressure was reverse.
Many of my friends were led to believe that you can wait until you’re late 30s or early 40s.
When they started, they discovered why waiting was not a great idea.
Many had IVF. Many adopted. Many gave up.
Most of these women had advanced degrees and careers.
GenericStandard42@reddit
I had zero interest. I grew up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic family and had zero interest in passing on these genes to another generation.
AcrobaticTrouble3563@reddit
I think it is short sighted to consider so many people living for only themselves and not having children are good thing. I get the allure, though.
Sumeriandawn@reddit
Many people are not fit to be parents.
AcrobaticTrouble3563@reddit
True!
Significant_Ruin4870@reddit
Ah, the old "it's selfish" smear. Choosing not to have children does NOT equal living only for yourself.
Have you checked the world population lately? The one thing this world isn't running short on is people.
AcrobaticTrouble3563@reddit
Actually, many countries are actively importing people because they have a declining population. This creates an aging population and problems of sustainability. When there are fewer people of working/productive age, governments have to tax them at an ever increasing rate. The GDP per capital rate collapses and causes further economic woes.
Global population is also aging and is experiencing decline in growth, expected to evolve into overall global decline in the near future. . So yes, I have checked it lately, but apparently you haven't?
And you can chose to interpret what I said (living for themselves) as a smear, but that's on you. I didn't use the word selfish - you did. Are you taking this personally?
notabadkid92@reddit
No, my parents discouraged it.
LayerNo3634@reddit
I had children because I wanted them, I never felt pressure or expectation to have them. The order of things was get married, then have children. I think it's sad that so many babies nowadays are born out of wedlock.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
It was considered "normal" to get educated, get married, get a family, but I was under no pressure to do so in a hurry...for which I'm grateful.
Diasies_inMyHair@reddit
There was an "Expectation" that, Of Course, I would grow up, marry, and have children. My mother talked a lot about the fact that her family considered her an Old Maid at 18 (she married my dad at 19). My Dad was in no hurry for me to get serious about anyone, but my mother definitely was anxious about it. I was engaged at age 20 and married at 23. The questions about babies began (from the Ladies, anyway) immediately.
Embarrassed_Cat2697@reddit
I was told to not have children at all, and never had my family throw me a baby shower for any of my 4 kids. Each pregnancy was greeted with “oh, no!”
ViQueen331965@reddit
Around here, it's just assumed you're going to get married and have kids. I had a very bad childhood. My stepfather was physically, verbally and sexually abusive. I knew very young I didn't want kids. I gradually realized I didn't want to get married. But people would just assume. Since my mother divorced my stepfather when I was 16, people began asking me who would give me away when I got married. 🙄. When I was 39, my uncle wrote me a letter asking among other things, when I was going to get married and have kids. "You don't want to wait too long. Before you know it, you'll be 40, then you'll be old, then you'll be dead." (!!! Wtf?)
Why does it never occur to people a childhood like that can really screw you up and it would be a good idea for some people not to have kids? I wouldn't have been a good mom. Do people ask themselves if they'd be good parents? I think we should teach our kids to ask that question of themselves without judgement if the answer is no. Then maybe we can end generational abuse cycles. (I had one that went back at least three generations, and it ended with me.)
Just some things I think I think.
sugarlump858@reddit
No. Well, a little. My grandma wanted me to have a baby when I was in my 20s. I said no, I traveled for work. It's not the right time. She said she would take care of the baby while I was gone. I told her that was not something I would do to my child. That was it. We didn't talk about it again. I traveled and had a great time in my 20s. Then I had my children. On my terms.
azorianmilk@reddit
I grew up in the 80's, never had kids. I was taught to get an education and a career before marriage and kids. I chose an unorthodox career and had fun traveling the world. I had a little push back for kids when I entered my 30's but it was quickly forgotten.
ElCaminoLady@reddit
Couldn’t because of my job. Was an aviation tech and the chemicals I was working with as well as the constant overtime compromised my baby maker.. However I was very much pressured to procreate irregardless of my situation. I guess I was supposed to take care of baby on my breaks and the one Sunday (if that) I had off?
FYI there’s strong reasons why women who want a family and a career should stick to a flexible office role.
As far as the overall issue it depends on the culture. Most middle to upper middle class are having a hard time balancing their lifestyle with expenses and it’s hard to afford a home and family until established. (30’s and older)
I grew up rural and those from my hometown are still having children young and often out of wedlock as hitting the yardsticks of life (college, marriage, house) are not on the radar. The mother often lives with her parents if the father doesn’t take responsibility. In many cases like that she finds another partner and eventually then starts her own household.
Beth_Pleasant@reddit
No, if anything my mom showed me that going to college, getting married, and having 3 kids by 30 was not the way to go. I ended up Childfree because of my upbringing, but my sis had 2 kids in her early thirties. And most of my friends that had kids also had them in their 30's. I think the younger GenX's of us (late 70's) were more focused on education and career, before kids, which is a good thing. People should become parents because they want to, not because they are ticking boxes, like a to-do list.
ToddBradley@reddit
I sure didn't. If anything I had pressure to not have children young.
EzAeMy@reddit
Sure, but we just went on.
Techchick_Somewhere@reddit
Nope. I was 40 when I had my one and only child. No pressure from my parents or family.
LimeCharacter5399@reddit
Didn't you face any pressure?
Techchick_Somewhere@reddit
Nope. I got two University degrees and had a strong career and wasn’t interested in kids with my then partner. Met a new partner and that changed my opinion. But I would have been fine without kids.
LimeCharacter5399@reddit
There's always pressure regardless. You're lucky The people around you were chill. Personally i never got any children despite of the immense pressure
Techchick_Somewhere@reddit
I think as well because my younger sister had kids in her mid 20s that spared me some of it. Which I appreciated.
LimeCharacter5399@reddit
How did it spare you some?
Techchick_Somewhere@reddit
She had two kids so there was no focus on me, is what I meant.
LimeCharacter5399@reddit
You are lucky. My siblings had a lot of children. 13 combined. I was the 5 and lastborn yet I still got pressure.
AlyceEnchanted@reddit
My upbringing was rather contradictory. I was raised to marry and have children. Forbidden college. The world was ending. But, I want grandchildren. So, yes, definitely pushed. That pressure didn’t matter.
It was my SO wanting children. I agreed to have one. Didn’t have a maternal bone in my body, until my kid was born. My son is the best thing to happen to me.
Had I not had a child, I would have been perfectly happy.
My kid is not interested in children, which I support fully.
Mouse-Direct@reddit
I grew up a voyeur to poverty. My dad was a successful construction electrician in CA, but he decided to move my mother and infant me back to his hometown of 600 people in rural Oklahoma when I was an infant. I lived there from 1970 to 1988.
The current median income of the town is $18,009, and 45% of the current population live below the poverty line.
My parents built a store, so I grew up watching my neighbors and their families on the daily. By the time I was 12, I had seen every possibility of parenthood: content couples who shared child rearing; overindulged children; children whose parents were aged 12-17; children who were the result of parental incest (this three times); neglected children; abused children; children being raised by grandparents (super common); and abandoned children being raised by church families or parents of friends. There was even a same sex couple raising kids together as friends.
So by the time I was a teen, I had a good handle on the negatives of being a teen parent (and being raised by an unsupported one) and the negatives of raising one in an unstable household. I was a smart, well read kid. My eyebrows would climb my forehead when one of my cousins expressed shock that I didn’t want a baby at 17 while their own screamed from a play pen, unwashed with a bottle full of sweet tea and a diaper full of rash.
My own parents had me at 33 and 32. They were unhappily married, and their being older parents didn’t make them patient parents.
I had my own child at 38 due to longterm infertility (13 years due to PCOS and a scarred Fallopian tube). I have had a FANTASTIC experience as an older parent. I had financial security, a supportive partner who did 50% of the parenting, and a healthy and easy going baby/kid who has a full ride to university in September. I’ve loved every minute.
I’m glad that Americans are postponing child rearing. I’m glad those who do not want children can live their lives as they wish. I’m glad people are thinking about the economic issues of having kids. There would have been a lot fewer crying, caffeinated babies with severe diaper rash in Muskogee County in 1990 if more people had been free to admit they didn’t really want to be parents or waited until they had a committed partner and economic stability to have one or two.
MienaLovesCats@reddit
No
MagnumPIsMoustache@reddit
Nope
Bubbly_Following7930@reddit
My foolish parents were 18 and 19 when I was born. I was at my dad's high school graduation. He made it explicitly clear that not to have children until I had a career as a was independent. He also made it clear that children were emotional and financial drains and that I would consider never having them at all. Given that I helped my mom take care of my younger brothers and could see what it was like, I chose not to have any.
LimeCharacter5399@reddit
What I didn't understand about this repost is that a news reporter said that the fact that pregnancies has reduced by 7% between the ages of 17 and 19 is a problem. I am still in awe because wtf, how is that a problem.
k8freed@reddit
I think some of this is regional/cultural. I was raised by a feminist activist mom who constantly complained that having me at age 30 was "too young."
ToxicAdamm@reddit (OP)
Yes, that's what prompted me to make the post. You never know until you ask others outside your bubble.
gangofone978@reddit
No kids from me or my brother. I think we may have felt LESS pressure because our family has quite a few child free people.
Neither of my dad’s siblings have kids, and we had several cousins and great aunts/uncles without kids.
My friend group that I grew up with all had kids in their 20s. Friends from high school (private school with typical high achievers), college, and grad school all had kids later
Bartlaus@reddit
No; my peer group typically didn't start having kids until we were around 30. Some were earlier but these were a decided minority.
Trolkarlen@reddit
Yes, I am the oldest of 5 kids. My mom was desperate to be a grandmother. She kept pressuring to find a girl, get married, and have kids. I started telling her that my role in life was not to give her grandkids, which annoyed her. When my sister finally got married and had a kid in a year, she eased up on me. By the time I came out, she already had 3 grandkids with several more on the way.
NicInNS@reddit
I’m sure my parents would have rather my three sisters waited - they were all moms by their 19th birthday. I went the whole other way and didn’t have any. My mom was sort of like “oh, you’ll change your mind” but never any pressure. My in-laws were amazing, considering my husband is an only child…never any pressure at all.
renegade7717@reddit
mine are grown and out of the house 5 yrs+. We didn’t feel the pressure - and almost had decided not to have any and chase careers - but as we approached 30 we decided if it was gonna happen then it needed to sooner than later. So glad we made that decision- biggest blessing of life ❤️
pocketdare@reddit
Clearly not. I never had kids.
JonCocktoastin@reddit
No, quite the opposite--many people felt no compunction commenting upon the "early" age at which I married (26), had our first child (28) and especially the number of children we had. Many believe their opinions are valid, insightful or even relevant . . . but I think we know, the vast majority are none of those things.