Have any of your close friend come out as gay?

[-]

ReadingAndThinking@reddit

Let me give you the honest truth that no one here will say.

Some will be no big deal and mean it and act it

Others will be no big deal and mean it, but won't be able to act it

And then others will be no big deal, not mean it, and definitely won't be able to act it

No one will come out and say, this changes things for me sorry.

But I think you just gotta accept all these ranges and not get mad at people. As much as you want to be accepted, it is also best to just accept that everyone is different in how they see the world, and what their brain can handle. So don't laud those that handle, and don't get upset at those that can't.

Really just live your live, let everyone know, tone down things with those that might have some problems, and live openly with those that don't. Just tune yourself, like everyone else does, based on who you are dealing with. And accept that you may lose some, and be glad with those you don't.

Also with gen-x you may be way over estimating how homophobic your friends are. Pretty much everyone I know is both telling gay jokes, calling each other gay, and then totally comfortable with gay people as no big deal.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks for the honesty. That's pretty much what I expect and I'm prepared for all that. It'll be what it'll be.

I'm a masc straight presenting guy and not the type to discuss this stuff with people. I've lived decades as a straight guy so I have a good idea how the

Some make jokes and Im ok with that even at my expense. I can give it back. As you said, we're genx and make fun of everything when we're together. I'm sure they'll be fine and it won't be a big deal.

I have some other ones that the comments are a bit more hateful. I'm distancing myself from those folks already because of this and some other reasons.

[-]

ReadingAndThinking@reddit

Figure as you get old you optimize friends anyway, because you just lose the energy. So by coming out you are self optimizing ahead of the inevitable culling.

Take care.

[-]

Whatisthisnonsense22@reddit

We had a friend that came out in his 40s. It was obvious to our group of friends that he was gay for a long time before he came out. It's tough when you spend your days in the testosterone fueled firehouse environment. He was known as a good firefighter and someone you wanted on scene long before he came out. It made a big difference to have that reputation backing him.

He came out, we all told him, no butt stuff when we drink. He told us, he wasn't into fat, ugly guys, we laughed, it was over.

My spouse and I flew down to Key West for his wedding after he retired. Him and his husband are living it up down there being two old rowdy gay dudes.

[-]

Iko87iko@reddit

Had a buddy who was gay that I worked with in early 20s. He would tell me that id be shocked with how many "straight" guys came on to him after he came out. Same as it ever was i suppose

[-]

allaboutaphie@reddit

Yes but really who cares. My son had his bf from HS call him and say he was trans..my son was okay what do you prefer to be called and what about whatever game they were playing. His trans friend comes over every time my son comes home and our still besties. No judgement you be you.

[-]

Jimmy_LoMein@reddit

My daughter came out two years ago at age 20. It was a total surprise but no big deal

[-]

MarcoEsteban@reddit

I'm gay and actually came out at around 14-16, which was around '82 ish to '83 ish. It was a bit lonely at the time, because kids just didn't come out in high school in huge numbers back then. Because I was out so early, I dealt with all the crap before my brain had a chance to develop into an adult brain and I just kind of dealt with it as it came, and in the 80s, no less. In suburban Texas.

All that's to say is that it's a bit hard for me to imagine what it must be like to have pushed it down so hard and deep as to be able to fake things to that level. I can only imagine that it must have felt terribly conflicted with the thoughts going through your mind meaning you were something you probably wished you weren't while deep down knowing that you are.

I'm sorry you had to go through that and for the difficulty that you must have had just coming to terms with it and with how you would tell your family. But, I'm glad that you finally did so that you can be who you always were, but couldn't let see the light of day.

I really just wanted to say I am happy for you having taken these latest steps to be who you are and enjoy life as you were meant to. I hope for all the rest of your gay ass life that you have the best time and find the best found family ever (which is the best part about being gay, that your friends become your big gay family)!

All the best!

[-]

SkipNYNY@reddit

I came out at 17. I wonder now if it was the right thing to do for me. I appreciate your comment about adult brain.

[-]

MarcoEsteban@reddit

You know...I just commented to the OP something about regrets. We both did what we did. I made a lot of mistakes. I had some fun. I got into some trouble. I really battered my body with substances and alcohol. I pulled through, got a career, I've had several relationships, most failed, but I'm in one, now. I just can't regret anything I've done in the past, or it would eat me up and I'd never sleep. We can't change the past, we can only resolve to do better.

So, for whatever reason you doubt yourself, just accept, that's the way it was. That's what happened. It means nothing about what kind of person you are today. Anything you might not like was a learning experience. Nothing more. The future, though, is yours to make.

I only regret when I intentionally hurt others, and that's enough regret for me to handle. And I try to make it up to those people every chance I get.They are mostly ex partners who I got mad at and said something hateful to. But, also my parents. I'm fortunate to have almost all still in my life, and I do things frequently to show them how important they all are to me.

You are great, exactly how you are, and you will get better every day going forward!

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

I was traumatized straight in the 80s and it took decades to get past that. I grew up in a monoculture Catholic community with an alcoholic father. I watched my cousin die from aids and get erased from the family. When I first realized I was gay at 13 I thought I was going to turn feminine and die from aids. I was already bullied at school. When I think back about it I wouldn't have stood a chance. My father would have booted me out for sure.

I can't imagine the bravery it took for you to come out back then. I'm glad you made it through and Im sure you had some difficult times to deal with.

Thanks for the kinds words. I appreciate it.

[-]

TulsaOUfan@reddit

I think there are lots of people exploring their sexuality after divorce and kids being raised.

I'm 49 with two younger bdsm fwb single moms, 2 groups of "Lifestyle" people with orgies, kink parties, and hotel takeovers, as well as dabbling with trans women/femboys. This is after being strictly in straight monogamous relationships and a 12 year marriage with 4 kids.

However, those people that still live in my hometown are all still homophobic and fake Christians. GenX is pretty split between open-mindedness and boomer values.

[-]

CardinaLiz4@reddit

Ewww is this true? I'm in the northeast and most of the Gen X folks I know are super open minded.

[-]

TulsaOUfan@reddit

It's split. Those of us that went to college and/or moved to the city are open minded. The ones that stayed in small town Oklahoma seem to be much more boomerish.

[-]

Commercial-Novel-786@reddit

One of my best friends in high school has since come out. We lost touch not long after graduation (no reason at all, and certainly not because of that... there wasn't any bad blood that I know of between us) and I've contacted him in the last couple of years. I've been trying to meet up with him for lunch sometime.

I was a very ignorant person in high school, and while I really want to know how he's doing, part of me wants to show him that I'm not the ignorant dumb ass I was back then. He may not know it, but if he ever was in a bind I'd be among the first to show up.

But in the meantime, he doesn't seem open to the lunch thing (been left on read, and in my last message I said I wouldn't bug him). I can't say I blame him. I've got his back regardless.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

You probably represent a time in his life he wants to put behind him and forget about. Not sure that's a healthy way to deal with it. I know I have no interest in staying in touch with any of my HS friends. It wasn't a good time in my life. University was much better for me and I stay in touch with those folks.

[-]

Commercial-Novel-786@reddit

High school was unusually cruel to me, but I had some folks around me that made it less terrible. He was one of the best, and I didn't realise or appreciate it at the time.

I get what you're saying though. I'll leave it be, difficult as that is for me.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

For some of us HS was complete hell. For others it was the best time of their lives.

[-]

Equivalent_Yogurt_58@reddit

Best friend came out a long time ago.

After he did the stuff in high school made sense.

It must have been hell for him to hide who he really was.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

It was. Fear, shame and feeling like there's something wrong with you.

[-]

Catfiche1970@reddit

No one recently. Everyone I know has been out and proud for decades.

[-]

MrBlahg@reddit

I live in the SF Bay Area, have a lesbian daughter and a trans son. Yes. Everyone is coming out all over the damn place lol

[-]

wwick68@reddit

lol. That made me laugh out loud 😹

[-]

jk_pens@reddit

Straight cis dude here. I haven’t had a friend come out since college. It didn’t really faze me, although it was a lil awkward when friend A came to my dorm room all upset because friend B was getting it on with person C, and I didn’t know any of them were gay until A’s meltdown. 😅

About 10 years ago a “passing” coworker of mine mentioned his husband when we were chatting. We’d been working together pretty closely for about six months and the exact words out of my mouth were “you’re gay? I’m surprised!” He started to get offended and asked what I meant. Eventually he understood it was not a judgement, it was a literal expression of my mental state. We remained pretty good work friends until our project was shut down and we had to go find other roles.

I’ve also had some coworkers come out as M2F trans, but not close friends.

Anyhow all of this to say, I can’t predict how people in your world will react but if it were me I’d probably be surprised and then be like “that’s cool” and get on with life. A friend is invaluable and I got bigger shit to worry about than who people are into.

Best wishes to you on this new life stage. I hope you get to be comfortable being who you are, everyone deserves that.

[-]

Szarn@reddit

My dad (deceased) hid it from us long after he and mom divorced. He did the no given name just they/them pronouns dance the rare times he mentioned his partner.

I'm not sure who he thought he was fooling, it was blatantly obvious, but we weren't that close and it wasn't worth calling him on it. None of us kids would have given af honestly, it's just sad that he didn't know us well enough to understand that. Instead he assumed the worst.

[-]

No-Lime-2863@reddit

I had a friend sit us all down and tell us he was gay. We were like “yeah no shit. lets get pizza”. no one cared.

[-]

Cantech667@reddit

My now ex-wife came out as lesbian. This is after she left our marriage, we reconciled, and then she left again this time for good. In hindsight, so much of the emptiness I felt in that marriage made sense. I deserved more than she was able to give, and she deserved more as well. We’ve been divorced for nine years already, and I wish her nothing but the best. That said, it does make me feel that our time together was based on a lie, and in many ways was a waste of time. It lacked authenticity to say the least.

I have a male friend who went through something similar. He was married, had kids, and later came out of the closet. His wife was devastated, but they both moved on.

I believe that people should be who they are, and love who they want to love. It’s just a shame that in the process of figuring themselves out, the people who loved them are left so confused and hurt. Then again, the end of a relationship is better than continuing to try to make things work when you know that something essential is just not there.

[-]

CardinaLiz4@reddit

This is so authentic and fair-minded. 🫶

[-]

tovasfabmom@reddit

Ummm most of them are gay 🤷🏻‍♀️

[-]

Catnip_75@reddit

I think it’s fantastic that you were able to come out in your 50’s. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t until now.

My daughter is gay, but we have raised our kids to be very open about their sexuality from a very young age. We also live in a city in Canada that is very LGBTQ2S+ friendly, so it’s very rare to see adults come out decades later. I wish you nothing but the best and hope your family is supportive. Friends come and go, and this will be a good test to see who really cares about you.

[-]

deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

No Politics - Political posts or comments of any sort are not permitted. If you wish to have political discussions, you may do so on our other sub r/GenXPolitics.

Breaking this rule may result in bans, either temporary or permanent.

Before you make the claim: No, providing respite from political discussions does not infringe on your rights.

Also, this politics ban was put before the sub over a year ago, and members have spoken.

[-]

Mimble75@reddit

I’ve had folks tell me they were transgender or non-binary, and honestly I was just honoured at their trust in me and made sure they knew my friendship didn’t hinge on their sexuality, gender presentation, or any thing other than the fact that I love them loads because they’re damn fine humans.

If your friends are truly homophobic, you might see some of those friends slowly fade away, and that will hurt a lot, but who knows, they could surprise you. I think all you can do is be your authentic self and that will attract the right friends and folks.

[-]

IfICouldStay@reddit

Late in life? No. Everyone I knew came out in their late teens. I went to college and lived in a super gay friendly city.

[-]

Anthropic_me@reddit

1 cousin, nephew and girlfriends sister. My reaction when they told me, was that it was their choice. Just don't expect me to treat them as though they are special or any differently than I would treat my straight friends.

[-]

Stump303@reddit

When did you choose to be straight exactly?

[-]

Anthropic_me@reddit

When I was a young teen and realized that I absolutely adored vaginas and never wanted anything else.

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Prejudices & Hostility - No speech of any form targeting anyone, including but not limited to:

Race, culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or other personal attributes.
No objectification, or sexual harassment.
No threats, or advocating for violence, torture, or death.
No generation bashing.
No "anything else" that is deemed to fall under this category.

[-]

Stump303@reddit

Did you ever look at a guy and get excited? No? That means you didn't make a choice to be straight... Do I have to draw you a picture? I'll go slow and use crayons.

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Poor Behavior - No antagonism, trolling, rage farming, flame wars, juvenility, or any other overly cantankerous commentary and/or behavior will be tolerated.

[-]

Anthropic_me@reddit

You asked me a question. I answered directly. To answer you 1 last time. IDGAF gay, straight, confused, green or purple, you'll get no special treatment from me.

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Prejudices & Hostility - No speech of any form targeting anyone, including but not limited to:

Race, culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or other personal attributes.
No objectification, or sexual harassment.
No threats, or advocating for violence, torture, or death.
No generation bashing.
No "anything else" that is deemed to fall under this category.

[-]

Stump303@reddit

And your homophobic comments get you blocked

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Prejudices & Hostility - No speech of any form targeting anyone, including but not limited to:

Race, culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or other personal attributes.
No objectification, or sexual harassment.
No threats, or advocating for violence, torture, or death.
No generation bashing.
No "anything else" that is deemed to fall under this category.

[-]

Genuine907@reddit

Your choice of words needs some introspection from you.

Your sexuality is not a choice. Could you wake up tomorrow and “choose” to be attracted to people of your own gender? No? See how that works?

[-]

RadiantCarpenter1498@reddit

It’s not a choice.

[-]

endosurgery@reddit

None. All my childhood friends have been straight. If any are gay they have stayed in the closet. I do have gay friends. Its just that they were out when I met them.

[-]

Desert_Sox@reddit

Yes.

i had no problems with it. I never have. Don't see why I should...

[-]

PunkZillah@reddit

I have both had someone come out to me and have come out myself.

I never cared about anyone’s sexuality. Not my place. So I never cared when someone came out to me. Just wished them happiness and thanked them for their authenticity.

I lost people when I came out. Which having some time to reflect; Glad they are gone. If someone has a problem with what I’m doing and it has zero effect on them Then I am not the friend for them.

Best of luck to you. Don’t give up on dating; you’re worth it.

[-]

momofonegrl@reddit

Good job coming out and living your authentic self!

[-]

tzweezle@reddit

I’ve had friends switch both teams and genders. If your friends are homophobic, do you really want them as friends?

[-]

ezgomer@reddit

it’s his job too

[-]

tzweezle@reddit

Ok? Do we really need to discuss our sexuality at work?

[-]

ezgomer@reddit

Firefighters? Uhhh it’s not like working in cubicles

[-]

bzee77@reddit

Yes. It didn’t change anything at all about our friendship, or the core group. He is also a typical, standard-issue Gen-X male that no one would have thought fit what they might picture as a gay male. He hasn’t changed at bit, other then, the fact that he no longer has the stress of trying to hide this.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks for that. It helps.

[-]

Head_supper@reddit

I can't speak about coming out that late. I was 20 when I did that. However, I've made a choice to not announce my personal life to everybody. Yes, I still get a bit nervous meeting new people because they always assume I'm straight and with that comes questions about kids and marriage. It's not a comfortable feeling and usually makes me feel a bit down that most people see this world in such a black or white manner. Do what makes you happy! Be true to yourself. I hope you're able to find relationships with other gay men that are meaningful and perhaps even...romantic. You've waited long enough. Go have fun while always being safe.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks. I'm comfortable with who I am know but still figuring things out. I get that uncomfortable feeling too meeting new people and the assumptions. Im divorced with kids so I have a story that takes that pressure off. I've been open with some new people Ive met on vacation and told them and felt good about it. As for finding a relationship, that's a lot harder than I thought and Im almost giving up on that.

[-]

Head_Effect3728@reddit

So, genuine question. What made you switch teams? Obviously, you found your (assumed) wife attractive enough at one point to have children with her. Was there a switch thrown at one point or did you always know and were just faking what you thought was a normal life?

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Its a valid question.

I was traumatized straight as a kid. Strict Catholic monoculture, alcohic father, bullied at school already. Watched my cousin die from AIDs and get erased from the family. I didn't stand a chance coming out back then. Fear and shame forced me to be straight and block that part of me out as much as I could.

I ended up with a long term gf in HS. I had no problem having sex with her and I was in love with her. After we broke up I had other gfs in college but I wasn't really attracted to them and no chemistry. I didn't have sex with them and it didn't last long. I met my wife and there was chemistry between us and I had no issues having sex with her. I enjoyed it but it always felt like something was missing. We split years later for other reasons.

I tried to date women after we split. I accepted I was bi and ended meeting guys instead. I made every excuse to not meet women and any excuse to meet guys. At one point I just admitted to myself I was gay. I didn't switch teams. I was always gay but made straight work for me because its all I've ever known. I never saw a path to living as an openly gay man.

Its like have two personalities. A gay one and a straight one. The gay one was always there checking out guys while the straight one was in charge and repressed the gay one with shame and fear. For decades, everytime I looked at a guy and thought he was hot I would feel shame and fear.

I still have a hard time with it. The fear and shame is still there sometimes and I have talk myself out of it. Its getting better and Im working through it.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you. Im still trying to figure it all out myself tbh.

[-]

Head_Effect3728@reddit

Thank you for that. It helps me understand the mental anguish one can go through with these crazy things we have called brains.

[-]

SmokeyFrank@reddit

I don’t know OP but I don’t think he “switched” in that sense. He very like could have faked being straight due to his surroundings strongly expecting, even demanding that.

I came out about age 30. Coming out in high school, even college, would not have gone well.

[-]

Head_Effect3728@reddit

Ok. My question comes from the mind of an ignorant straight male who wants to understand better. I find it intriguing that a gay man has the physical ability to fake a life with a woman. Were you able to do this as well?

[-]

formercotsachick@reddit

I knew a guy this happened to, and he honestly just thought sex was completely uninteresting and something you just were supposed to do. If the term had been common at the time, I believe he would have identified as asexual. Some asexual people are able have sex with their partners, and even experience pleasure from it, but would personally be content never having sex.

It wasn't until he was much older (and divorced) that he figured out some of the admiring friendships he'd had with boys/men over the years were actually crushes. Once he came to terms with that, he saw a therapist and realized he was likely gay. He finally gave sex with a couple of guys a shot, and said he finally understood what everyone was talking about in high school when they were horny all the time and couldn't get enough sex. It was like he was experiencing a normal adolescence for the first time at nearly 40 years old.

[-]

Remmy555@reddit

Honestly if someone reaches this age and is homophobic, they're a terrible person and you shouldn't be friends with them.

[-]

chamrockblarneystone@reddit

My really good friend came out in our late 20’s. Nobody cared. He told his sisters on what we call Margarita Monday at the bar where I worked. Nobody cared.

Our best couple friends, had the husband come out after about ten years of marriage. No kids Thank God. His poor wife was devastated.

He quickly moved away to New Orleans despite all of us trying to be as supportive as possible. Thankfully he just let her have the house, but the wife has never been the same. I also lost a good friend. That all sucked.

[-]

Pinknailzz69@reddit

I came out as trans and completed my transition surgically. One of my brothers is a firefighter. His wife said the hardest part for him was telling his buddies that the brother he used to always brag about is a trans woman. Good luck on your journey. I lost a few friends but most stood by me and transitioned our friendships. It’s tough sometimes but you’ll get there.

[-]

MissBoofsAlot@reddit

I too transitioned MTF about 4 years ago @ 43. Been with my wife since we were 15 so high school sweet hearts. We have 3 kids together. I got some of the same questions the OP got "why did you wait so long?" Because I was not ready and I didn't want to lose my family like I thought I would. Turns out my wife was more accepting than I thought she would be and it allowed her to feel better about her (hidden) attraction to other women. So now we both get to be ourselves and still have the family we both wanted.

OP - Don't get down on yourself, be you above everything else.

[-]

Sad_Jellyfish4394@reddit

My bestie that i met first day of hs told me she was bi. Like i already knew that. Tell me something i dont know. I dont understand why people have an issue with some else’s sexuality. If your gay go live your best life and if they don’t support you find new friends. I volunteer as tribute. Lol. In all honesty i have 5 close friends 2 are bi and the others straight but it honestly has no bearing on if you’re a good person or not.

[-]

lazygerm@reddit

I have not had any friends come out to me.

I can think of perhaps a couple of good high school friends who would be good candidates, if we were still in contact. I recognize this now. Because I came out back in 2014 right after my wife and I split.

I'm somewhat in the same boat as you. I'm out to my family, my kids and some very good friends. And I'm out to everyone I meet new outside of work. But at work I'm still in the closet for the most part. Mostly due to a couple of co-workers who are homophobic that I work with daily. Everyone else at my workplace would be accepting, but to those people I'd feel like I'd be showboating if I came out now.

I understand your duress. I'm average guy straight presenting myself. TBH, I don't know how long I could continue not telling my friends who I was even if they were homophobic. But they may surprise you.

[-]

overeducatedhick@reddit

My date to my Senior Prom did. Also, a second cousin who was my age and played with at family reunions did.

[-]

Handbag_Lady@reddit

I suppose where you are located would cause more or less of a comfort bubble for you.

Come to California, most of my circle are gay and us allies will shun people for crossing our friends.

[-]

Azerafael@reddit

Yes a long long time ago and it didn't end well. During his teen years and into the early 20s he tried hard to be straight. Went through a lot of girlfriends before he realised he was gay. He couldn't live with it and ended it all.

[-]

elphaba00@reddit

One of my husband's cousins went through so many drug rehabs because I think he was using to try to deny who he really was, as if getting high would make everything okay or just escape reality for a bit. Eventually, he accepted himself and found a partner. His only vice then became cigarettes and the occasional marijuana.

The sad part is that the cousin's sister still thinks that all her brother needs is a good woman and he'll come around.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

That's so sad and I can totally relate. I was either going to end it or give it a go just being my true self. That's the path I'm on for now.

[-]

Slow-Complaint-3273@reddit

Not recently - most did a long time ago. When I was in a RHPS group, one friend very timidly came out to us. We told him, “Yeah, Jeremy, we know.”

[-]

elphaba00@reddit

I had a friend in college like that. After we graduated, he invited a few of us out to eat to tell us that he was gay and had found a partner (whom he's now married to). Our reaction was basically, "We already know. We've known for a while." We never saw him go out on a date. He never expressed interest in a girl. He did make a comment about how cute another guy was.

[-]

EnjoyingTheRide-0606@reddit

My BFF from high school is gay. I kind of suspected since we (female-male BFFs since 14) almost got together a couple times but it was clear he wasn’t into me. By 26, he wasn’t out with me or family but he was with his work crowd and had been openly dating for at least a couple years. His work friend told me. Which made it clear he was carrying some shame over making an announcement. He told his mom after asking what she thought of his new roommate. “I’m glad you approve, because he’s my boyfriend!”

I know his mom had to know because as a child she told him to play with boys instead of only the girls. But he hated the boys, likely since they were intimidated by his behaviors. He was bullied a lot over it which is why I suspect there was some shame surrounding it initially. We traveled when we were 18 while in college. My aunt came over to the house while we were gone and asked where I was. She asked my parents why they would let me go out of town with a boyfriend unchaperoned. My parents laughed and said he’s gay, there’s nothing to worry about!

[-]

emryldmyst@reddit

She didnt "come out".. she just showed up with a chick one day.

Thank God.

The whole coming out thing is ridiculous.

Just be yourself.

The people who care wont care and anyone else can fck off

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

That's been my plan for a while now. I just haven't found a guy to show up with yet. Now I'm really tired of hearing how I need to find a nice gf.

Coming out is ridiculous. Unnecessary drama and stress for nothing. Its like an endless punishment. I didn't come out when I was "straight" and resent having to do it now.

Unfortunately life and relationships are complicated. I had to tell my kids and some other family. I didn't want them hearing that from someone else.

Tbh, I wish everyone just found out somehow. Let the rumours fly. I wouldn't care or deny it. At least I'd get it over with and move on.

[-]

emryldmyst@reddit

I dont think we ever even had a conversation about it either.

When we were alone I said something so you're a lesbian now?

She said something like beats me.. I just like her.

That was that lol

[-]

WhatTheHellPod@reddit

In the military back in the 90s during the time of Don't Ask Don't Tell a good friend told even though I didn't ask. He came out of bunch of us drinking one night and there was a long, long silence in the room as well all came to grips with this information. Then one of our group, god I wish it had been me, pipes up: "So, out of all of us, which one is the most fuckable" and we all broke up laughing. (He never did tell us which one of us was the most fuckable). Nothing changed, no one reported him, and life went on.

Look back on it, it was really remarkable because this was before being gay was OK in the culture and he ran a real risk of being booted from the military by telling us.

He was the first person I knew who admitted to being gay. It was brave as hell.

And for the record, I knew in my heart he thought I was the most fuckable. 🤣

[-]

VinceP312@reddit

I came out in 1993 I was a teenager a year out of college. I'm "straight-acting" and grew up in and lived in (at the time) the same Italian neighborhood on the South Side of Chicago. Not exactly renown for its "tolerance" especially back then.

I felt that precisely because I was not obviously gay that I should come out to my parents, family, and friends. And I did. To no major negative reaction at all. My parents had no clue whatsoever. Some of my friends had deduced it already.

Then my mother started telling the world, which actually reversed my wanting to tell people, because then it was almost like "Here's my gay son. Did you know he's gay". I felt that was kind of obnoxious. I wasn't a "Hi. Im gay, nice to meet you" type person... i only told you if I had a friendship with you, otherwise, who cares. But I just found it funny how at first she was like "Woah... I didn't expect this. I need time to adjust" to then her telling the world and me being like "You dont have to tell EVERYONE"

Now it's 2026. I can't image you getting negativity. In fact, it might explain a few things about you that have led to your friends making the jokes/comments they are. And it could positively change their opinions, if there are any negative ones.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks for that. You were brave back then to come out. I know it wouldn't have been easy but you did it.

I'm similar to you. Masc straight presenting guy. The last guy people think would be gay. Most people I've told were shocked and thought I was making a weird joke.

After reading all the positive comments I'm starting feel like I'm understanding estimate my friends. They do make jokes/comments about everything and most of it isnt that bad. I guess I'll just have to find out what they really think.

Everyone's been suppotive so far. The only hate Ive received is from gay guys my age who came out long ago like yourself. Ive been called a coward and one called me weak minded for waiting so long to come out. I honestly didn't see that coming and don't gaf what they think.

[-]

VinceP312@reddit

The last guy people think would be gay. Most people I've told were shocked and thought I was making a weird joke.

Ha! I've had people in such disbelief as to tell me "Prove it" and I"m like "really".

The only hate Ive received is from gay guys my age who came out long ago like yourself. Ive been called a coward and one called me weak minded for waiting so long to come out. I honestly didn't see that coming and don't gaf what they think.

Oh yes. Let me tell you one thing....

Me being gay and telling people, even religious people: No problem towards me

Me being [anything but 1003896% all-in on the most radical viewpoint gay people can come up] and telling a gay person my opinion: I've been the target of cancel campaigns by radicals, I've been told the most angry things, i've been disinvited to events. Etc etc....

You will receive the most aggressive form of opposition from these people than you ever will from a straight person.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

The biggest things I've learned through all this is how much attitudes have changed with straight people and how hateful some gay men can be.

Ive been on a couple of dates where we disagreed on something like pda. I told him I wasn't really into that and sometimes it's inappropriate. He then tells me how he and his ex liked making in public, especially in the stands at baseball games. If people didn't like it they could FO. A perfect example of inappropriate, regardless of straight or gay. Nobody wants to see that at a ball game. The date turned sour after that conversation.

[-]

Simpawknits@reddit

In your 50s, it's time to stop worrying and life your life.

[-]

Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit

this is pretty glib, considering op's just explained his life includes colleagues and friends who might not accept him.

[-]

Greeney_Eyes@reddit

It's still good advice even if it isn't taken for the OP's reasons. If you can't live your true authentic life without censoring yourself to meet the expectations of friends, then you sadly don't have friends.

[-]

darkest_irish_lass@reddit

If you were OP's friend, wouldn't you also feel distressed that he didn't share that he was gay before? Wouldn't you wonder how good of a friend you were, that you never realized or saw the cues?

There's a lot more to unpack here than just being an authentic you.

[-]

Greeney_Eyes@reddit

I don't think I would react that way, no. I know it's subjective and there are no 'rules' but when it all comes to it's natural end, do any of us want to have to say "I wish I'd been true to myself and not lived according to the unspoken BS that I now see for what it is, but too late" ? There's more risk or reprisal if you think beyond your own agency and authenticity but everyone has to manage their own risks and take the ones they're willing to take. Some lead to wonder and beauty and some lead to resentment and death bed regrets.

[-]

Effective_Farmer_119@reddit

I would not feel distressed by that. I don't think friendship gives someone the right to someone else's confused feelings about their sexuality.

[-]

WesternEssay9582@reddit

You need new friends.

[-]

JackWylder@reddit

I’ve had many friends come out to me. The first one was in high school- in Texas, in the 80s. My BFF I hadn’t seen in a bit said ‘you haven’t asked me if I’m seeing anyone ‘ so I asked. He said ‘yes, I have a boyfriend’ I said cool- does he treat you well? He said yes. I said ‘cool. Wanna smoke a joint?’ He did and we did and that was the end of the discussion.
It’s nobody’s business but yours- you share it with anyone you want to, DON’T share it with anyone you don’t want to. Anyone has a problem with it can fuck all the way off. You’re Gen X for goodness sake!

[-]

ExternalLiterature76@reddit

My boomer dad was super homophobic. He only tolerated my queerness because he loved my wife. He had a best friend who used to set my gaydar off, and I would ask him if the guy was gay, and my dad would say no, he's just weird. Well, his friend pulled up on Easter on his motorcycle with the most gorgeous man decked out in leather chaps on the back of his motorcycle. My dad accepted that his best friend was gay and got over his shit. They stayed close friends until my father's death this year, so there's hope.

[-]

VinceP312@reddit

In the 90s, when i was around 19 and told my dad i was gay (he had absolutely no clue, because I wasn't 'obvious'), he was shocked. He was old school neighborhood Italian-American guy and probably had never met a close friend who was gay, so I was the first exposure, I'm sure. I was mature enough to understand that he needed to process the information, and that I couldn't expect him to instantly undo whatever decades of attitude he might have had.

Anyhow, over the years after that, and him watching so much trash daytime TV that he was like "Eh, I'm mellowed out after seeing so much "gay stuff" on Wendy Williams, Oprah, Rikki Lake.. etc..." which I sort of took as "You're nowhere as obnoxious as what I"m seeing on TV" and since I wasn't putting any sort of "act" on, that was fine with me. Had I been somewhat of a flamer, I dont know how it would be. But I dont need to worry about hypotheticals.

[-]

No-Property1871@reddit

🤣🤣

[-]

ONROSREPUS@reddit

IMO, you are 50, stop fucking caring what others think if you and just tell people. You can't control there feelings or emotions but you can yours. Rip it like a band aid. If they really are your friends they won't care. I wouldn't give to crap either way. A friend is a friend no matter who they love.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

I really don't care what people think. If they dont accept me that's their issue. I'm no longer hiding, I'm just selective on who I share with. It's really nobodys business.

I resent and dispise the whole coming out nonsense and totally hate the idea of a big coming out to everyone. I didn't come out as "straight" so why should I have come out as gay.

I really wish people just found out somehow so I can just move on.

[-]

ONROSREPUS@reddit

Totally good points. You don't have to announce anything. If someone askes you why you haven't found someone yet, just tell them I haven't found the right person yet.

If you tell the right person, you won't have to tell anybody else. I think everybody has that one person that will tell everybody else.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

For years I been upfront and tell people Im not interested in a gf and I dont ever see that happening hoping they'll get the hint. They don't get it and continue to go down that path.

Maybe I will have to tell the "right" person or persons and let them do the work lol

[-]

ONROSREPUS@reddit

Meh. If they are to dumb to figure it out, I wouldn't worry about it. Like I originally stated you can't control there thoughts for feelings only your own. Live life to the best don't worry about the rest.

[-]

ConsultantForLife@reddit

I am very much GenX and very much not gay. However, I have a gay kid and we've talked through lots of things.

Deciding to come out has to be your choice. You don't owe anyone that information exactly. There's nothing wrong with telling people you're not interested in having a girlfriend. The reason why doesn't have to come up - divorced people often just want space.

As for the homophobic friends - as much as it sucks and isn't right there's a chance that's just posturing to fit in. That doesn't make it right. I'd be kind of tempted to call them on their bullsh** one of these times they make a comments and be like "Dude, how many gay people do you actually even know?".

As long as you're honest with yourself and tell those YOU want to know I think it's fine to leave other people in the dark.

And if you were my friend and told me I'd give you a hug and that's that. My opinion of you wouldn't change.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

I don't know if they're truly homophobic or just like making jokes about it. I may be underestimating them.

For years now I have been honest with everyone and tell them I'm not looking for a gf, I don't ever see that in my future and the last thing I want is a gf.

I keep hope they take the hint but I think they think Im just a lonely divorced guy that needs a gf because they're always trying to set me up with someone. So tiring.

[-]

VinceP312@reddit

I've been out to my family since i was a teenager in the 90s. (As I wrote elsewhere). My parents have no problem with me, at all. I make gay jokes, they make gay jokes. If a joke is funny, it's funny. And I dont take jokes personally. They're not jokes at my expense, just general jokes, and it's not that often. Also my brother has strong political views on high level things, and where he gets animated is when Govt or School policy attempts to get in the mind of his kid or what some cultural trends might be influencing his kid in a way my brother doesn't like.

I also don't take it personally. One because he's not talking about me. And Two, half the time i agree with him.

I'm at the point of self-contentment that I don't have to let someone else's point of view trigger some big emotional reaction in my mind. It's the same thing on the rare occasion that someone wants to aim an Italian joke at me. If it's clever, I like it. If it's meant to be an insult, I sort of laugh at how lame the other person is. I've never collapsed into myself upon hearing those insults.

[-]

KM68@reddit

Had an older friend come out as gay. About 10 years later he said he was straight and married a great woman.

Then he said he knew he was trans and made everything about him. This stressed out his wife. Wife got diagnosed with terminal cancer.

All my friend did was complain that caring for his terminal wife was delaying his transition into being a real woman. Nothing about what his wife was going through or anything like that.

He's no longer my friend because he's an ass.

[-]

VinceP312@reddit

I'm gay. The self-centered "I'm so special" types are soooooo obnoxious.

[-]

earinsound@reddit

why even stay friends with homophobes???

[-]

OhSoSoft@reddit

My younger brother (born in 1986) came out to a few friends first, then family in 2015-2016. He was so nervous. When he told me all I said was "are you happy?" and "does help make you happy?" After learning he had been hiding these feelings from everyone for 6+ years and had actually been in a relationship for almost 3 yrs. Live your life, be true to yourself. You might lose some people in your life BUT you will gain so much more.

[-]

SabrinaFaire@reddit

Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.

[-]

mamallama0118@reddit

💯

[-]

QuietBirthday2470@reddit

Love this

[-]

HigherTed@reddit

They changed… nor me. He came out when he was back in town for Xmas and we were meeting up. When I asked where we were headed, he mentioned the gay bar, and then came out. While surprised, I gladly drown to the gayborhood and had a great night. But after… he rarely reached out when he was back. Loved him like a brother and was too timid to ask why things changed.

[-]

Metagion@reddit

A lot of my husband's friends came out shortly after leaving school (we graduated 1987, so we're talking the early 90s, like 91 or maybe 94) including his friend Mike, who was (still is, even after cancer tried to level him but he fought back and is still here, yayyy!!!) so very cute that I 'mourned' for days but I'm happy for him now!

My class is more of 2nd and 3rd marriages, grandkids, empty nesting...I haven't honestly heard of anyone I knew coming out, but I will still love them even if they do; makes no difference to me! 😁

Quick story: when my husband's friend "Dan" came out, he was so nervous that we'd dump him as a friend because we were still Catholic (doing the 'every Sunday you go to church, no excuses' kind of thing). He invited us over to his place and he did the "I have something to tell you" speech.

I stopped him. "Dan, serious question. Do you eat babies?"

*Shocked face "Uhh, no?"

Me: "Do you bleed purple blood and have the urge to make squishy noises?"

*Big smile now. "Of course not, no! Why do you ask?"

Me (& Hubby): "Because we knew you were gay and we're 100% fine with that! You're still 'you' and not some brainsucker from Mars or something! We love you!"

Things were a lot better after that, because he didn't have to "hide" or be someone else, and that made all the difference. That's why if any of my friends came out, it would make no difference at all to me, as they're still 'them,' my friend.

[-]

noseleaptilbklyn@reddit

If you can’t be your authentic self around them, are they really “friends “?

[-]

Round-Public435@reddit

There are 3 of my close friends from school that came out as gay after high school - 2 female, 1 male.

To be quite honest, back in those days, being gay was one of those things people were bullied about, and we knew gay people existed, but we were still too naive to truly understand it. As I look back now, I realize that I recognized there was something different about those friends. Not bad - just different - and that's all I really thought about it. I never thought differently about them. They were just my friends.

When they came out as gay, I think I may have had a moment where I thought, "Oh! Ok - that explains it." and moved on - it was never a huge thing between us. They were still just my friend, and I never saw it as a big deal.

[-]

VarietySuspicious106@reddit

Yep, back in the “don’t say gay” days it was a real issue.

OTOH I’m now an older mom to middle schoolers who are STUNNED when I talk about how closeted most of my generation was forced to be. The innuendo, the relentless bullying, the actual physical threats they endured - all of this is stunning to them.

Of course there are plenty of homophobes left in the world, and I’m aware that my kids’ lives have been sheltered by living in a politically blue bubble. My 13 yo son couldn’t care less about romance, whilst his 12 yo sister came out as gay about three years ago, in elementary school 😳. I said great, maybe your preferences will change as you get older, but ultimately all that matters is finding a partner who supports, respects, and makes you happy.

[-]

phillyphilly19@reddit

What an unfortunate position to be in. That said I have to question why you would choose friends that are all so homophobic. I guess maybe you were sublimating but still... Probably the best way to do it is in a group setting or by group chat. I want you to do it in person because I think that would be braver for you and would put them in a more honest position. I also want to say that you may perceive them as homophobic, based on your own fear. But are they actively homophobic like they would hurt someone? Or are they jokey homophobic as so many straight guys are. I know a lot of guys who come out to their straight friends are pleasantly surprised to find out that they really don't give a shit. Another way to figure it out is to ask one of the friends who you've come out to what they think since they probably at least know who your friends are. Feel free to take your time with this as it's a big decision and I know it can be very scary. For the record I'm 65 and came out in my twenties but most of my friends are straight and have never had a problem with it. And these are friends I made when I was young and friends I've made in the last 10 years. I just hope you live in a city where you can express yourself freely and find support.

[-]

Feminist_Hugh_Hefner@reddit

I am a bi cis/masc dude, retired firefighter and veteran. Let me tell you, THAT combination was a recipe for delayed recognition (basically I didn't realize I was bi as much as I realized everyone else WASN'T, but that is another story)

I am in a good monogamous het relationship, so I have a pretty easy time staying closeted, but after the last election, I decided I would go from many years of "If you ask I will tell" to being decidedly, boldly, OUT and signalling more, being visible, etc.

I definitely had some social media folks ghost... but who disappeared over that specifically I wouldn't really know. I got a lot of questions like "are you going to start hooking up with dudes?" which was cute because that "started" a while ago... I just didn't realize the other kids were having sexless sleep-overs lol, but again, that is a different tangent...

Mostly it just is what it is, I don't know what people say behind my back, but I am obnoxious enough to be over that a long time ago, and I have really enjoying living an open and honest life.

I think it is fair to add that I am a big dude with military training, so my "risk assessment" is personal, and not for everyone, but I have really found being boldly out to be even more positive than I would have anticipated.

[-]

VarietySuspicious106@reddit

I’d estimate that nearly half of my close friends - from childhood till today - are/have come out as gay. It was a non-issue for me, though my Catholic mom half jokingly commented that I’d “better watch out” as though it were something contagious 😐😬😆😂.

[-]

BeachEfficient1103@reddit

No but I know one has to be but they won't say anything and they married the opposite sex. Maybe they are bi??

[-]

TheBarbarian88@reddit

I had a fraternity brother come out as gay. I can’t think of any close friends who have done so.

[-]

AmethystRebelle@reddit

Came out as a trans woman in my 50s. I lost my best friend, but became so much closer with other friends that have supported me in amazing ways.

Maybe it's becoming a bit trite to say this, but now is when you find out who your real friends are. I certainly did, and made so many new friends along the way. I hope you can find acceptance as well.

[-]

Aezetyr@reddit

gif

Queer about 5 years ago, to very select people. Most have been supportive, some not as much, while others very much so.

[-]

themiracy@reddit

Many of my closest old friends are straight, but I came out (as trans), and I have at least one old close friend who is married to a trans person also, and then it turned out one of my high school classmates also came out as trans. So IDK what's up with that, but IDK 99% of people from our generation in my life have been very supportive.

[-]

JollyRocket7@reddit

Have you watched Heated Rivalry yet? That show made me want to live my most authentic life, not necessarily sexuality wise but family and life stuff. Although I have talked to my husband about possibly being bi after I watched it, but he’d support me whatever I told him. Good luck to you! And fuck your friends who don’t accept it, you deserve better people in your life.

[-]

TrickQuiet9630@reddit

in 1989, i was partnered with a man who came out at 51, married, two children. for him, most everything changed.

his ex-wife was sometimes friendly with him, and sometimes angry. they both attended couple's and individual counseling for years, but eventually made peace. at first, his kids visited weekly, but visits became less regular. his coming out, his life as a gay man, were his favorite topics of conversation. his daughter once said to me that her dad had become a stranger to her.

he had had a large circle of friends...some he lost as they took sides with his ex, others were homophobic, but there was a mutual parting of the ways even with those who saw his sexuality as a non-issue. after denying his orientation for five decades, he wrapped himself in the pride flag.

whenever possible, he patronized gay-owned businesses, he sought out gay artists, musicians, novelists, he only went to gay bars. he became a single-issue voter. we moved to a gay neighborhood,, we went to a gay gym, he even had rainbow checks. after a couple years, i realized being a gay trophy wife wasn't a basis for a healthy relationship, and moved on.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Sounds like your ex wrapped his whole personality around being gay. I'm not interested in any of that. Being gay is part of me but it doesn't define me. I'm much more than that.

[-]

TrickQuiet9630@reddit

thank you. i am heartened my message was heard but unnescessary,

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

But appreciated. Thanks 😊

[-]

MissMurderpants@reddit

Yes, over 30 years ago.

And my family loves her more than me at times.

My silent gen dad’s best friend is gay. We all knew it. He’s a great guy.

I’m sorry you are having a time with this and I’m glad you’ve been able to explore and learn and be your truth.

What do you think will happen if others know your truth?

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

I have one friend who I think figured it out after seeing something on my phone and has been distant since then. We used to hangout together all the time but now I only see him in a friend group setting.

I've kinda isolated myself from a lot of people already in case it doesn't go well. If they do have an issue that's their problem, not mine.

Tbh, I really wish everyone just found out so I can get this over with and move on. Was hoping to have a bf and just come out that way but that hasn't happened. Dating at this age sucks, gay dating is even worse.

[-]

GenTrancePlants@reddit

You might lose a few friends… but at least you will be your true self. And that is what matters, really. Because you will meet your tribe on the way, and make new friends on the way. Many of my friends are gay and my daughter came out as gay, too. And it was no big deal, because she has been around gay people all her life, it was normal. Consent is the big deal and i raised my kids saying that if everybody consent and is happy, then it is all good. I found out one day when i came home, she was watching a movie with her friend, they were cuddled and confortable. When her friend left, i asked if she was her girlfriend and she said yes and that was it.

[-]

Substantial_Way296@reddit

None

[-]

GenTrancePlants@reddit

Many of my friends are gay and my daughter came out as gay, too. And it was no big deal, because she has been around gay people all her life, it was normal. Consent is the big deal and i raised my kids saying that if everybody consent and happy, then it is all good. I found out one day when i came home, she was watching a movie with her friend, they were cuddled and confortable. When her friend left, i asked if she was her girlfriend and she said yes and that was it.

[-]

Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit

hey there. I'm not exactly the demographic you addressed your question to (straight ciswoman), but:

my best friend told me years ago that she and her husband were divorcing and she was in love with a much younger woman. I wish I could say I was as gracious about it as I honestly wanted to be, but I was both shocked and ashamed of how unprepared I was for the implications it made me confront personally.

my own sister has always been either gay or (she now says) bi, so I honestly thought I was cool with my friend's revelation, and fiercely wanted to be on her behalf. but the truth is: it amazed and demoralized me to discover how much confusion lurked under the hood of "friend you love like a partner (except not) discloses that she's a lesbian".

I'm demisexual and have never been attracted to women, so it confused me greatly to discover how badly I missed her friendship and how ambivalent I felt about her "leaving" me as a friend to focus on her new love.

so if you have very close male friends you may find some of them need to interrogate their own relationship with platonic friendship and sort that out before things get to feel right again between them and you.

I'll cross my fingers for everything in your life to go great 🤞

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Almost all my friends are happily married or at least they seem to be happy. Only one is not happy and is working on leaving. I think he may know Im gay because of something he may have seen on my phone. He's been a distant friend since then and we went from the 2 of hanging out all the time to only seeing him in a friend group setting. He's made comments that men kissing is gross and homophobic comments like that.

I've kinda isolated myself from most of them already anyway in case things don't go well.

[-]

Mischeese@reddit

My bestie came out when we were 18, my SIL after 5 kids and a husband came out when she was in her late 40s. A close childhood friend has just come out and got engaged to his boyfriend at 54. Live your life and be happy. Good luck!

[-]

Stump303@reddit

You are going to lose some people. Sorry, it's not you it's them. Just be ready because telling them is going to change everything. But it's also going to open up a bunch of other doors and you are going to meet other people. I have very few friends left from High School or college but I have a good circle of friends now that I would trade for anything.

[-]

giob1966@reddit

My best friend was the opposite - he never came out, even though I knew. I wish he had; he died ten years ago.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

That's so sad. I try not to look at my past with regret because I have 3 awesome kids. I'm much happier now and would hate to die in the closet. I don't consider myself closeted anymore, I'm just selective on who I share with.

Honestly, I wish everyone magically found out so I can get this over with and move on.

[-]

kidde1@reddit

Back in the mid 80’s two friends came out to me, and I carried their secret until they came out to everyone (one over a decade, the other for 30+ years).

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

You're a great friend for doing that.

[-]

ratsta@reddit

My story is a mostly happy one.

In my "friends since teens" crowd, one guy seems tolerant but I know he opposes same sex marriage for religious reasons. He's in the "let them have a civil union and enjoy all the same protections, just don't use the M word because that's not what my book says" crowd, so I think he's a neutral party. Supportive so long as he doesn't need to inconvenience himself.

One is trysexual. He'll try anything once, sheep, chickens, mud. He's married women five times now (and divorced four of them because they're cray-cray, un-huh) but he confided in me of several infatuations and liaisons with feminine guys. I suppose that's technically outing himself as bi, but I can't help but wonder if it's the domination that's his real sexual preference. Nevertheless, I feel honoured that he's confided in me because I know that to most people he just projects a hetero sex addict image. Strange flex /shrug but I know for a fact that he'd be 100% supportive of anyone for anything.

While I haven't had anyone come out simply gay, I've worked with gay people in my IT career and never detected any friction in the office*. I've had two friends come out trans, one in our 20s (brave girl, it was the 90s when "Pooter bashing" was still a thing in Sydney), one mid-50s. Despite being from different walks of life, wealth to lower middle class, military, IT, finance, etc., we are all a "nerdy" bunch and played D&D almost every weekend for our teens and 20s and less regularly to this day. I don't know if that predisposes us towards acceptance but there's been no friction, just unconditional support.

For my part, I'm an ally. I used to be in the "live and let live" crowd, completely accepting but never actively advertising my acceptance, but since the internet has given a voice to so many haters, I decided last year that it's time for allies to start speaking up as well; I know how hard it can be to keep your chin up when so many voices are putting you down. So I bought a progressive pride pin and I wear it every day at work. I'm much more careful with my language these days to be inclusive. I work with a trans girl who started with us as a guy several years ago and I gently but only occasionally correct mis-genderings when I hear them, and have started an initiative at work to encourage people to be similarly proactive.

As to your friends, that's a tough situation. You have hair. You are years old. You are gay. You're a dad. You like . You follow These are just your natural characteristics. Nothing special nor shameful about any of them. You don't need to come out as gay any more than you need to come out as liking .

I encourage you to be true to yourself. Both my friends who transitioned suffered greatly from suppressing their true selves, to the point of several suicide attempts for one, and suicide ideation and eventually complex PTSD for the other. Who knows, perhaps your homophobic friends will have a moment of soul-searching when they learn one of their oldest, dearest friends is gay. There's plenty of precedent of people changing their tune when it affects them. For all you know, they might be overtly homophobic in order to fit in. You may even discover that some are still in the closet themselves!

As to people bugging you about being single, they're probably just envious of your post-divorce freedom! It's very inappropriate for colleagues but something like "Thanks. I've already got one divorce under my belt. Taking my time to ensure it's not two." should work for colleagues and friends.

Good luck to you, internet friend! I wish you inner peace.

* Amusing anecdote to finish off. One of our programmers was gay and a body builder. Always wore the standard corporate uniform of suit trousers and a collared shirt. His desk was indistinguishable from anyone else's. We had a secret santa at one of our xmas parties and someone got a "Fairy Princess" costume, complete with adult sized pink tutu, plastic silver tiara and a foot-long magic wand with a star on it. It took about 5 mins before he was over there offering to trade his present for theirs. The deal was sealed and for the rest of the night, we had a 5 foot nothing, 4 foot wide fairy princess bouncing around the venue. I've never seen a guy so happy. It was glorious!

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

I don't feel the need to discuss my sexuality and don't want to discuss it.

I went out with some old friends last weekend and I'm the only single guy there like always. I'm always the only solo guy and the conversation always seems comes around to who I'm dating and how I need a gf. It's not just this group, this happens alot. Women are the worst with that tbh. I know it's meant in a caring way but it does get tiring. It's also a grim reminder that I am single.

I guess if I ever do find someone I probably won't gaf what people think.

[-]

Panem-et-circenses25@reddit

Yes, my good friend that I met through our kids becoming friends in preschool just came out a few months ago. He was always flamboyant and it really came as no surprise but he finally told his wife and kids, and got a separate apartment. The family is destroyed and the wife cannot be consoled. She is old school and is an absolute wreck. They have 3 kids age 11, 13, and 16, and they are all in therapy and doing terrible. I just don’t understand blowing up your entire family and devastating your children just to have sex with dudes. I’m not blaming him, it’s his life, but what a mess that was created.

[-]

Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit

not op, not gay and not a man, but ... coming out as a gay man is about a leeetle bit more than just "having sex with dudes".

[-]

Panem-et-circenses25@reddit

I guess I don’t understand why someone would marry a woman, stay with her for 25 years, have 3 children, then say you’re gay and were never really attracted to her at all. Human sexuality is a spectrum I guess.

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Prejudices & Hostility - No speech of any form targeting anyone, including but not limited to:

Race, culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or other personal attributes.
No objectification, or sexual harassment.
No threats, or advocating for violence, torture, or death.
No generation bashing.
No "anything else" that is deemed to fall under this category.

[-]

RCA2CE@reddit

I think there are 2-3 from my HS, only one I didn't strongly suspect real time. I learned about one a few years after HS and was like whatever. We actually don't have any gay people in our friends group, that I know of - we're just a bunch of old married couples that party together way too much.

[-]

oldschool_potato@reddit

So many guys in our fraternity came out of the closet within about 10 years of graduation. There was not a single surprise in the bunch. There are a couple we’re waiting on, but I think at this point they are taking it to their grave considering I’m almost 58 and we have our 40th founding fraternity anniversary coming this fall.

[-]

RadiantCarpenter1498@reddit

Anyone who has a problem with you being gay is an asshole and doesn’t deserve to be in your life, period.

At our age we’re too old for bullshit. Be who you are; life is way too short.

[-]

CouldBNE1too@reddit

One of my close friends finally came out to me a few years ago… I was just like ‘okay. Thanks for finally feeling comfortable enough to share that w me.‘ I knew way before she told me, and I love her the same.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks.

Everyone I've told has been shocked and thought I was joking but ok with it.

[-]

CouldBNE1too@reddit

I’m glad to hear that. Honestly, if they reject you in any way, they’re not really your friend. Nothing but hugs and love. You should be able to be your true self, esp w your friends; they’re the family you choose for yourself.

[-]

TrainingLow9079@reddit

Although I've only had friends who were gay their whole lives, I run in pretty liberal circles, and people would be accepting. I hope you find accepting friends.

[-]

SamePhotographs@reddit

My friend group was very colourful looking back. Several of them came out in our early 20's, some after failed longer term (seemingly) hetero relationships. It didn't change much then, and it wouldn't change much now. But then, my friend group is still very colourful.

Hope you find peace OP, not everyone is hateful.

[-]

NOGOODGASHOLE@reddit

Ive had people come out to me and my response has been the same every time. Unless you tell me that your a Ravens or Red Sox fan now also, I'm good with it.

[-]

winterneuro@reddit

or the cowboys

[-]

NOGOODGASHOLE@reddit

See, you understand what's REALLY important in friendship

[-]

Crazy_sumbitch@reddit

My brother (51) just came out last year. Him and I never had a good relationship. He was afraid to tell me because he thought I would never speak to him again because he thought I was homophobic. Truth be told I used to call him gay when we were kids because I always thought he was gay. A year into him coming out we have the best relationship ever now.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

That's so awesome. It's funny how things turn out.

[-]

frank13131313@reddit

I know more male and female friends that are more bi - sexual than full out gay.

[-]

MasterClown@reddit

Have any of your close friend come out as gay?

No. Fortunately, I think my friends group is decent enough that if any of us came out, I highly doubt it wouldn't change anything. But we've all known each other for over 35 years and I genuinely feel that our love and kinship for one another can accommodate all walks.

It's unfortunate your homophobic friends feel the way they do - there is so much more to being human than just sexual preference.

[-]

Aware-Owl4346@reddit

I have many gay friends, and have known many gay people. Never knew anyone who “came out” though. It was just who they were.

[-]

nadiaco@reddit

All of them in highschool.

[-]

BorgAdjacent@reddit

I met a man once who came out in his 80’s. He was married to a woman for 55+ years. He told me that he had never been with a man, never kissed a man, and would probably never be in love.

Your life and happiness are more important than what your friends might think. Losing friends is hard, but i think about that older man and how depressed he was for his whole life often.

[-]

fridayimatwork@reddit

My bff, on 9/11 oddly enough.

[-]

rm78noir@reddit

I've had a couple of friends come out as gay and one come out as trans. I fully support all of them and wish them the best lives they can have.

[-]

SnikkerDoodly@reddit

Congratulations on allowing yourself to be free and live your truth. I have had friends come out and I support them 100%!! I’m not gay so I don’t want to pretend I know how it feels but you deserve to live and love whomever you choose. I sincerely hope it goes well for you when you tell them. Good luck OP!!

[-]

Chance-Sun-9103@reddit

my best friend from high school came out to me awkwardly in college. later I found out the other guy we ate lunch with was also gay but neither knew about the other. Several decades later, I realized I was asexual which explains a lot why I hung out with two closeted guy guys, none of us spent time obsessing over girls.

[-]

Chance-Sun-9103@reddit

I was cool with both guys coming out. I know one of them lost his oldest friend because of it but had family support from a very Catholic family

[-]

warrenao@reddit

It’s a rough course to take at any age. It can be really hard to find out who’s actually a friend and who’s … well, not. Hang in there.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks. It is a rough course at this point in life. It was either end it or go down this path and give it a go.

[-]

finleyredds75@reddit

Give it a go; trust that authenticity will fill your cup. Because it just does…eventually xo. You are brave, but you already were.

[-]

warrenao@reddit

To quote Dan Savage from a couple decades ago: It gets better.

[-]

SciFiFan24@reddit

I’m straight but I have about a half-dozen gay people and five trans people in my life. I love them all so much and luckily I support them and most of our family does too. Sending you lots of love and support ❤️

[-]

TaxPuzzleheaded5688@reddit

Not gay, but trans. We are both part of an officiating community and they were concerned that there would be little acceptance. I told them that they had little to worry about. It’s been great seeing how welcome all have been, especially our national organization.

[-]

AustinGroovy@reddit

My best friend in HS came out after his father passed away. At first, he was reserved and invisible to all our HS friends.

It took a bit, but literally everyone of our friends still loves him to death, regardless. He's since met his life partner and happily lives in SFO. I guess my thought is - don't sell your friends and co-workers short. Yeah, there's always going to be one or two homophobes, but our circle of friends basically ousted those thugs, and kept him for who he is. If they are truly close friends, they won't care.

You do you. As GenX, we most likely won't GAF.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

That's what Im hoping for. Thanks.

After reading all the positive comments on this sub Im starting to think I might be underestimating people and alot of this is in my head.

[-]

magster823@reddit

It's been such a pleasant read tonight. And they're all right. Your true friends will adjust.

My story, in TL;DR fashion is that in the early aughts, in rural Indiana, all but 2 of our group started going to the local gay bar once in awhile (we were respectful and had him tell us a good time, and we'd show), and drag shows at his request for his birthdays (which was/is never a hardship for me).

[-]

abstractraj@reddit

I have gay and trans friends. Been to some gay weddings and there are more coming up. We had several gay couples at our wedding too. I’m 54 and my wife is 50. I wish it were easier for you

[-]

hamish1963@reddit

How close to retirement at the firehouse are you?

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Im a volunteer ff but it's a big part of my life. Im not ready to give that up yet.

[-]

hamish1963@reddit

I understand, I volunteered in my town too.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

So you definitely understand it's part of your life and hard to stop.

[-]

mybloodyballentine@reddit

Most of my close friends were out in high school or college. I have one close friend who came out about 10 years ago, but she honestly didn’t realize she preferred women until menopause.

One of my close friends was out, but not at work. He talked about it for at least a year in therapy before he was able to get the nerve to tell people. We live in nyc, and he worked at a large international NGO, so he didn’t get any negative reactions.

I think you should find a therapist who is LGBTQ friendly to discuss this. I think therapy can help you be more confident about telling people, and it will be good to have someone to unpack the reactions with, positive or negative.

I’m rooting for you!

[-]

ConnotationalRacket@reddit

This is solid advice, having an LGBTQ+ therapist who is culturally competent is a great idea. If you're not comfortable with therapy, finding a career coach or HR/attorney who can help advocate for you is a great idea. I'm not saying you ought to lawyer up, but having someone who understands (like an employment attorney or union steward) and can help you navigate coming out at work could be really helpful.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Im not one for therapy. Im also a volunteer ff so not employed there but it is a big part of my life I dont want give up. I work virtually and wont be coming out at work.

Thanks for the advice and kind thoughts.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks. I wouldn't want to start unpacking whats in my head. I don't have enough time on the planet to unpack all that crap lol

[-]

NotNobody_Somebody@reddit

My dearest friend is gay, he never really came out to me as such. We had a slightly awkward conversation in our 20s when I asked if he'd found a girl, and he gave me a very old-fashioned look, and I corrected my question to ask if he had found a person he wanted to see long-term. That was literally it. I was very sheltered and it had not occurred to me that someone I knew would be gay, so I did a lot of very quick mental gear-shifting.

These days we ask each other if either of us are seeing any decent guys. He is my son's unofficial godfather and somebody I absolutely can rely on if things get tough. I love him dearly and would not change him for the world.

OP, if your friends are homophobic, they aren't really your friends. I would say that if you come out to your workmates, be prepared for some heavy-duty teasing, if not some hostility (but I hope not, for your sake). It takes great courage to admit to yourself that how you have lived your life thus far is not your whole truth. I hope you find happiness and acceptance, both within yourself and from the truly important people in your life.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

I'd actually be ok with teasing because it would mean they're comfortable enough to do so. Plus I'd give it right back.

Hostility I wont put up with.

[-]

DC1010@reddit

One of my buddies at school came out as a trans woman in our early 40s. She was embraced by some people and shunned by others. She divorced her then-wife, who also went to school with us, and eventually married another woman. Everyone is happy now, but it was prickly between her and her first wife for a few years. They all get along now.

[-]

root_fifth_octave@reddit

It’s too bad that in this day and age you’d feel like you even have to hesitate.

I’d hope that friendship is love, and love defeats fear, but yeah it doesn’t always work out that way.

[-]

PeekyMonkeyB@reddit

we were on our way...then the last ten or so years happened

[-]

root_fifth_octave@reddit

Yeah, it seems like things moved backwards.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Tbh most of its in my head from being traumatized straight as a kid. It's hard to reconcile the fear and shame from the past with todays attitudes towards it. So far nobody's cared.

[-]

root_fifth_octave@reddit

Yeah, that makes sense. Sounds like a good sign maybe that things have been cool so far.

I haven’t really had a friend come out to me like that, but they wouldn’t have anything to worry about over here. Maybe just go with appropriate caution. You never know with people.

[-]

Street-Avocado8785@reddit

Yes, my brother and sister are both gay. They came out later in life. As for me, I’ve never had a gay thought in my life. We grew up in the same household. Go figure.

Your orientation is a personal matter. If I were you I would seek new friends and not be open with work colleagues.

[-]

Icy-Dependent6908@reddit

No. But it turns out two of my boyfriends in high school were gay. I was a beard before I knew it. Or they knew. I’m very lucky. Both are awesome 40 something years later.

[-]

Agreeable_Bowl_8060@reddit

Recently? No. But over the years many did. I grew up in a city that wasn't open to that culture in a healthy way. I just don't give a fuck. I think that's why people felt comfortable coming out to me.

[-]

fire_works10@reddit

If you need a new friend because you don't think yours will continue to accept you, feel free to reach out. I scored 100% on the "Giving birth to an LGBTQ+ Kid" test. Seeing my kids go through what you're going through now was heartbreaking enough as a parent. I can't pretend to know how you're feeling, but I'm always willing to listen.

[-]

Historical_Bath_9854@reddit

I'm not sure, but I think my group has money on a couple of guys still. We're not right, I know.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

We're not right either lol

Im pretty sure my group will be shocked. I doubt if anyone has any money on me. Everyone Ive told so far thinks Im joking.

[-]

JJbooks@reddit

I'm a woman and have had *several* women friends divorce their husbands and come out as lesbians in the past few years, but all my gay guy friends were well established, lol. They mostly came out back in their 20s. But of course I would be supportive of any older male friends wanted to come out. I'm sorry your friends are homophobes - my advice is fuck them if they can't accept it. Lean into your relationships with people who support you. Any asshole who can't handle it doesn't deserve to be your friend. It's truly baffling to me that this is still an issue in 2026. Some people are gay! Get over it!

[-]

in-a-microbus@reddit

My close friends are unfortunately homophobic af

The fuck? Are they over 80?

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

As I read the comments here I realize I don't know if they're truly homophobic or just like making jokes and comments about it. I'm probably underestimating them.

[-]

deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

No Politics - Political posts or comments of any sort are not permitted. If you wish to have political discussions, you may do so on our other sub r/GenXPolitics.

Breaking this rule may result in bans, either temporary or permanent.

Before you make the claim: No, providing respite from political discussions does not infringe on your rights.

Also, this politics ban was put before the sub over a year ago, and members have spoken.

[-]

ConnotationalRacket@reddit

I'm trans and I was a former firefighter. I have definitely seen a lot of casual homophobia/transphobia in some departments, although where I served we generally had a very supportive environment.

A majority of Americans don't realize that they interact with LGBT people everyday and don't even realize it. You coming out to your peers has the potential to change a lot of minds and open a lot of eyes that LGBT people are their friends and neighbors. If you come out at work, there may be a few people who have a problem with it. However, when I came out I was stunned that some of the people who I assumed would be cool weren't, and some of the people who I had written off as probably phobic actually ended up being some of the most accepting and my biggest supporters.

Talk to your leadership FIRST, get their support before coming out to your peers. Work with HR and make a plan if you're comfortable. You want your leadership to have your back and make it known that everybody is going to be PROFESSIONAL about this. They need to be proactive and set the tone. The tone being: "This is SayinItAsISeeIt and he's cool and we are all gonna be cool about this. We got your six, man. We accept you."

When I came out at work 99% of people were cool. Be prepared for the 1% who aren't. If you get propositioned (it happened to me) report that shit.

The other important thing is how you frame it. This is not a confessional, you haven't done anything wrong, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You are telling people who you are and the real you. This is cause for celebration. You are still the same dependable colleague that they've always known.

[-]

TollyVonTheDruth@reddit

No, but I did have a male bandmate with a baritone voice transition into a woman.

[-]

Due-Technology-192@reddit

One of my navy friends came out as gay about 10 years ago, I had no idea

[-]

eyeroll611@reddit

Just be yourself, and find your true friends

[-]

vwaldoguy@reddit

Not sure you need to come out. Just live your life. I have a similar path. Lost some friends. Gained a lot of new ones. A couple siblings barely speak to me now. Oh well. Life goes on.

[-]

tkingsbu@reddit

Yup. A few.

I’m 53, and I left my hometown back in 1990… it was an insanely homophobic place to grow up…

A few kids I’d grown up with, once they themselves finally moved away, came out… some soon after leaving… some much later..

I just told them it changed nothing and we were still buds for life :)

Sadly, like you, a lot of their other friends were not as nice…

Which absolutely fucking sucks.

Things change. Kids today are often much much better at this sort of thing… but our generation? It’s always a bit of a gamble…

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

The 80s traumatized me straight for decades. Alcoholic father, Catholic community and watched my cousin die from AIDs and be erased from the family. I was taking this secret to the grave and it did almost take me there a few times.

I don't know if my friends are truly homophobic or just like joking about it. I guess there's only one way to find out.

[-]

No-Algae-8798@reddit

Pardon my Southern here, but oh Hunney! You are so brave and I am so sorry the times we have found ourselves growing up in didn’t allow you to be your authentic self. I can’t imagine how brutal it was for you to live that way.

The people who appreciate you for your soul will continue to do so. Eff your “close” homophobic friends. Do you, friend. I’m cheering for you!

[-]

Nervous-Rooster7760@reddit

I am sorry you are going through this. It makes me sad to hear folks are not able to be 100% who they age at home and work. I am Gen X with older gay brother and I remember how unwelcoming those times were for gay kids (well at least where we lived). He had it really rough. Looking back as adult it was clear from early age. Makes me happy to see how much more accepting kids are today and for my kids it was never a big deal.

I hope you find your peace.

[-]

Additional-Arm-1298@reddit

The hell with them, live your life. Welcome

[-]

Beginning_Key2167@reddit

I have had a couple friends tell me they are gay. It is a non issue for me. Doesn’t change a thing. It was actually nice to see them happy.

[-]

SunMyungMoonMoon@reddit

Dude, you get exactly ONE life to live. It's hard enough to find happiness when everything in you life is going smoothly, so fuck people that refuse to accept you for who you are based on fear and bigotry. Be the person that you want to be, find your peace and happiness and let those worthless motherfuckers walk.

[-]

RightSideBlind@reddit

Two of my friends (one from high school, the other a previous employer) have transitioned in just the last few years, honestly surprising the hell out of me. So, kinda? They both seem happier than they were before, so I'm happy for them.

[-]

_Losing_Generation_@reddit

They didn't have to

[-]

peridot7@reddit

I have not had any. I came out as pan/poly to two people I believed would be the most accepting -- they weren't -- I haven't shared with anyone else since.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Sorry you had to go through that. Fortunately my experience so far has been positive. I wish you luck going forward. Dont give up.

[-]

Mouse-Direct@reddit

Being a firefighter has to make it especially rough. I majored in Humanities and do a lot of theatre, LOL, so lots of my friends are gay. Many came out in college and in our 20s. I came out as bi in my 30s. Of my closest friends, there are 4 married gay couples, and my son (17) came out two years ago.

In a situation similar to yours, two of my friends married at 19 because they were expecting a baby. They were married 13 years before he came out (to no one’s surprise, his pilot light flamed bright) and left for the man who is now his husband. She remarried a few years later. It was a rough few years for all of them, but now they share holidays together.

[-]

iwritesinsnotcomedy@reddit

Not to make light of what you’re going through, but I always think humor helps. Have you by chance seen this skit? Any chance you’re underestimating your friends and they might respond as such?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UgHwF4CNiJA

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Haha thanks. That's pretty much how my kids reacted. One was asking for my truck and the other for money the next day.

I may be overthinking it.

[-]

CraftLass@reddit

I came out young, but that video is essentially what happened for me when I told people I liked girls. But just to give you another laugh about it, the one friend I thought might really freak out about it just took a long look at me and said, "Well, duh. It's not like wearing Polo was a choice to attract men, after all."

I had never even considered my chosen scent had outed me! I just liked how it smelled on me. Oops. Or not, as the case may be.

I hope your friends turn out fine once they realize you are actually the same person you always were. Glad your kids were very cool!

[-]

iwritesinsnotcomedy@reddit

Sounds like you’ve got great kids!

[-]

Fezzick51@reddit

Overthinking gets us all. I vote for a group conversation with your old friends. Let them all hear it at once and take it as it comes. They may surprise you and hopefully for the better and if not, it's a great big world out there. You'll find your people.

[-]

TheRateBeerian@reddit

Yea a very good friend much in the same boat as you (married, older kids) also came out recently. Funny cuz 30 some years ago some of our other friends insisted he was gay and I didn’t see it. Then he got together with his future wife and I said “see I told you” and now all this time later he proves me wrong lol.

Fortunately no one is being homophobic but damn his now ex-wife is sure pissed.

[-]

positivepinetree@reddit

I’m a 54F. I divorced my husband in 2004 because I realized I’m gay. It wasn’t an easy road with my friends and parents for a few years, but life is very good now. I’m still good friends with my ex-husband, too.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

That's good to hear. I'm still on good terms with my ex but I dont think she knows. The kids probably wouldn't mention it.

[-]

Flat_6_Theory@reddit

No but have an older gay cousin, a lesbian/bi niece, and a gay couple as family friends (one of them dated my sister in the 70s before he came out - and asked me out a couple decades later, which I found kinda humorous). I’m straight married FWIT.

So my personal feeling on the matter is it’s just part of who you are but doesn’t inform me of what matters in a person to me (decency, honesty, ethics, etc).

Wish you all the best as you go forward.

[-]

Creme_Small@reddit

No, but I kind of wish some of them would so they could stop being so pent up.

[-]

lexi_prop@reddit

It sounds like you might need a beard.

My best friend from HS came out as gay after graduation, but it was pretty obvious he was. I am also queer (we never had those type of feelings for each other). Most of the our close friends already knew / didn't care.

Family and work though - it's none of their business. I've seen how they treat others and know they would say things behind my back, if not outright to my face. So they don't get access to that part of my life.

[-]

ItsCatCat@reddit

Hi, it’s me. I came out. Some of the rats scattered. Fuck em. Some of them stayed. Thank you. With a new you comes a new life. Found family is real.

[-]

holidayoffools@reddit

My best friend since childhood came out in our mid 20s. Did not make a bit of difference to me. She has always been the same person and I am happy she is in a happy/loving relationship and living how she wants to live.

[-]

Instimatic@reddit

Probably time to rip off the “bandaid”, metaphorically speaking. If they can’t accept you for who you really are, y’all were never really friends.

Good luck

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Ya you may be right. It hasn't been an issue so far. Most don't care and maybe Im overthinking all of it and underestimating people.

The positive responses on here is actually overwhelming. I thought I'd get more not so nice responses tbh.

[-]

BloodyBarbieBrains@reddit

I’ve got a bajillion gay male friends. And trans friends. Some came out younger, some older. I’ve always socialized with LGBTQ allies though. I really hope you find freedom, happiness, love, safety, and acceptance. I’m sorry I don’t have any actual advice.

[-]

Simple-Ingenuity740@reddit

All my friends are gay, they just gaven't come out yet. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

[-]

DazzlingDoofus71@reddit

I graduated in ‘89 and we were literally known as “oh yall were the class with all the gays in it” 😆 sigh unfortunately it wasn’t said as a compliment.

I was an ally before I ever even knew what one was I guess. My friends were more the “they didn’t come out of the closet it just kind of burned down around them” variety. It wasn’t easy here. Of the five I was closest to I’ve lost 3 😔 One moved away to be safe and one is presenting as straight which is almost sadder to me than the ones I’ve lost.

I hope you find your people. In our big age sexuality should be the last thing that matters. If this old gal could figure it out way back then you’d think society would catch up. Hugs from here. Be you. 💗

[-]

Ok_Responsibility419@reddit

Regarding “I hope you find your gays” makes me think there are absolutely LGBTQ first responders, like a meet up support group. Definitely ask around your gay circles, gay club owners etc. our tribe like to support one another xo

[-]

hamish1963@reddit

Class of 100, 1981 Midwest, 9 people in my class are gay. I've lived my gay friends since high school.

[-]

Pleasant_Expert_1990@reddit

One of my closest friend came out to me shortly after we graduated highschool in the late 90s. I was the first one he told outside his family.

After he told me he asked how u felt about that. I was only concerned if he was happy and being safe. That's all that matters to me. We're still friends all these years later and I am so grateful for him.

[-]

JerseyTeacher78@reddit

I had plenty of friends come out to me during their 20s and It was all fine:) You are brave for finding your truth and living an authentic life. Find a new tribe that accepts and loves you as you are. Hold onto old friends that accept you also. I'm rooting for you!

[-]

LVMom@reddit

I’m sorry your friends are asshats. When I came out to my husband and kids, they were like “OK whatever”. I was more worried about my extended family because they are southern Christians, but everyone was cool with it or at least they didn’t say anything negative about it to me.

Same thing happened when my gay kid came out as trans to my extended family.

If someone loves you, they will to get over their homophobia really quickly when you come out

[-]

erilaz7@reddit

One of my good friends came out when he was around 40. I don't know how people in his small hometown in the Midwest took it (I never heard that he had any trouble in that regard), but it didn't really have any effect within our particular circle of friends around the country, which already had other gay members.

[-]

Cinisajoy2@reddit

My best friend in 9th grade was gay. He came out in college.

[-]

ChrisRiley_42@reddit

I don't know why, but I seem to have a disproportionate number of LGBTQ2S+ friends. When I turned 40, half the people at my birthday party were in same sex marriages. Not by design or anything. It just worked out that way.

I've had a few friends come out to me. Nothing really changed.

[-]

Queasy-Extension6465@reddit

Do two offspring count?

[-]

damageddude@reddit

A few, but never officially to me. There was one common friend very hurt that one of our friends couldn't cpme out to him.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

That's an interesting aspect I didn't think about. I've never felt like owed that to anyone except my kids.

[-]

Upbeat-File7090@reddit

Same here

You'll lose some people but gain others, youll end up calling that deadweight in the future.

There's absolutely not a thing you need permission for or apologize about, your life is yours and whatever everyone else have to deal with is their own problem, so stay out of it, because what they think of you is none of your business.

Chin up my man, and be as proud of yourself as must of us are!

Live an exceptional life!

Sending you tons of love you way!

[-]

Mobile-Boss-8566@reddit

In my late twenties I had a friend come out. I tried to remain friends with him but, that all fell apart when he hit on me. I was willing to accept his lifestyle. However he was trying to change mine. Until that point things were business as usual. Personally I would like to think people have a good understanding nowadays. I do understand how you must be feeling being in the line of work you are in. Who you date should not have any bearing whatsoever on the kind of firefighter you are. Good luck to you.

[-]

Every_Top_6401@reddit

I'm not a guy but just want to voice my support. Now is the time, more than ever, to live authentically and be your true self. And truly, f*ck those who dont accept that. The ones who matter will be genuinely happy for you!

[-]

Delicious-Brief8077@reddit

Yo Brother,

Former Fire- Medic as well and came out mid 90s on a dept back in the Midwest. Not exactly the same path as you (was younger, no kids but was engaged to a woman). However, shortly after, another guy in your exact shoes followed. It was rough for him at first but he found his footing. Honestly, some guys didn't give a shit and the ones that did, well that was on them. I found the ones that had a problem with it were assholes before and we didnt keep much company anyway, so no loss for either side really.

His kids adjusted and once everyone realizes you dont have to be a liberace type gay, it all settled. The one issue i had was trying to control the information. Once it was out in the dept, it was difficult to control who was told, the genie was out of the bottle. That caused some consternation at first for me. Once the dust settles and life gets back to normal, it wasnt really a thing. Life went on as before.

All I can say is good for you for being true to yourself. Once this settles, you should be on much smoother ground. It'll take a couple years, some tears, some regrets or self doubt about the decision, but in the end, you'll be in a better place mentally.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Thanks. I really appreciate that. It's been a few years of that already to get to this point and I am in a much better place mentally.

I'm just tired of this nonsense and totally despise coming out to people. It's like an endless punishment.

[-]

FoleyV@reddit

Yes, I loved my friend before and also after. If they are your friend, it won’t make a difference.

[-]

jeremiah15165@reddit

My wife’s friend came out gay in his 30s, his friends and our friends were pretty cool about it. But that could have been the industry, my wife is in a creative industry that’s movie making adjacent.

[-]

LASER_Dude_PEW@reddit

I wish you good fortune OP. Years ago I had a friend come out to me and he was worried. I was more than happy to accept him and I really hope your friends do the same.

[-]

RedditSkippy@reddit

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. I wouldn’t give two shits if a friend came out, except to be happy that they finally feel free enough to be who they are.

[-]

Sensitive-Issue84@reddit

Come to find out? My whole group of friends from high school was gay. We didn't even tell each other until we were in our 40s. It's good to be myself. Congratulations and welcome!

[-]

HootinHollerHill@reddit

First of all, I am proud of you. Having the courage to be fully yourself is scary at first, but it’s far better than living a lie.

Second of all, coming out should NOT be traumatic and the fact that it is for so many is an indictment of our society, not any one individual trying to be true to themselves.

Third, I hope you get all the support you need and want. Find better friends, if they aren’t capable of loving you as you are. That’s their problem, not yours, if they fall short.

Fourth, I have had so many gay friends as an elder Gen X person. And while I consider myself queer/pan, I am in a cishet marriage. Because my person makes me happy. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship with a person, who makes them happy.

[-]

linzmarie11@reddit

Good for you being honest with the people in your life who care about you. My uncle, a boomer, hid his gay marriage of 12 years from everyone, literally his best, oldest friends and all of his family. When he died, it was a massive mess and a huge shock to discover his secret life (his wife was a fabulous trans drag queen). I had thought that we were close all of these years, but in the end it all felt like a facade and a sham. With a bit of courage on his part, things could have been totally different.

[-]

Angry_GorillaBS@reddit

No they're all bi seemingly. Including myself. Although I know of at least one who is afraid to even admit that. I'd be floored if he came out as gay lol

[-]

FL_Hot@reddit

A good friend of mine came out to me in high school, probably around 1987. I can only imagine how difficult it was to come out in the ‘80s. He’s still a great friend. My wife and I have many friends and some family in the LGBTQ community, and they are among our favorite people.

I’m sorry to hear about the mindset of some of your friends, but if they can’t accept you, are they truly friends? How much say do you have in their love lives or marriages? Probably none. They should have the same amount of input in your love life, which is to say none. It’s crazy to me that this type of thing typically only goes one way—the wrong way.

I wish you acceptance and happiness as you begin living your life honestly and without reserve.

[-]

eejm@reddit

I haven’t had any friends come out late in life, but I had plenty longtime friends come out when we were young adults. None really surprised me. If I had a friend come out now…well, I’d assume that person was telling the truth and that it was a tough thing to do. I hope you feel safe as you come out to your friends and family and that they respond with support.

[-]

BallsOutSally@reddit

Are they truly friends if you cannot be your authentic self?

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

True statement.

[-]

BuckyD1000@reddit

Only my gay friends

[-]

KingPabloo@reddit

Did your wife know when you got married?

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

No. I was in complete denial about it.

[-]

Delicious-Disk-122@reddit

When people truly love you, they love all of you. That said, this is a shift of what people think they know about you and they will have their own journey of adjustment. A lot of time it is not that people aren’t accepting but sometimes hurt because they feel you didn’t trust them with this deep knowing. Be prepared to be equaling supporting of them as they are to you. Best of luck and congrats.

[-]

BuckyRainbowCat@reddit

Wow, that's pretty shitty of your so-called friends, I'm sorry to hear it. In my circle, I was the friend who came out as queer later in life - nobody seemed very alarmed or surprised, and it hasn't changed anything.

[-]

SayinItAsISeeIt@reddit (OP)

Glad it went well for you. I'm hoping that's what happens for me and probably will I guess.

We're all typical older genx guys that are happy to joke about anything. Most of the comments are just that so maybe they wont care. Maybe over thinking it.

[-]

Tough_Difference9935@reddit

A friend of my dad's came out as trans about ten years ago, I can't imagine how scary that would have been for them. Thankfully they were mostly accepted by the people around them.

20 years ago my then boss came out as gay, he had ended his marriage because of it and his ex wife and kids struggled with it a little bit but eventually it stopped being a thing and they were all there when he married his now husband.

Personally, I'm Bi. I've known since I was in my teens but had a cousin come out at that age and had to listen to the comments people made when she wasn't around (we've spoken about this and she said she felt like she had a great experience so I'm really happy it didn't affect her). So, I just never told anyone. Over the last five years though I've just stopped caring. My kids know, I've always been known to be a great "ally" but I just ramped it up a little in my visibility. I don't hide it but don't really talk about it unless I know I'm in a safe space. I've been married and never dated a woman so it hasn't explicitly come up.

I love the idea of "I'm not coming out, I'm inviting you in". You don't owe anyone anything. Set your boundaries and hopefully you will find acceptance more than fear.

[-]

No-Economics-8239@reddit

I only have a handful of 'close' friends, and none of them have come out. But my extended circle of TTRPG friends includes several outer rings of friendships that have largely persisted since high school and college. I attended many of their weddings and was a groomsman at a few of them. I've played games of various sorts with most of them for decades, and we had a tradition of LAN parties where as many as 30 computers and monitors would gather for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.

One was quietly out in college and became open maybe a decade later. I discovered that two others were out at one of their weddings. I didn't learn that another was gay until COVID.

As far as I'm aware, that didn't add any additional drama to our lives that wasn't already there. We all grew up with various degrees of bigotry and fear, and that persisted through the 90s until we collectively seem to have finally started pushing back enough that no one seems to still utter that nonsense anyplace I can see.

[-]

MrMackSir@reddit

So many of my friends are gay, several have ex wives and kids. You will find your people.

I am straight and my first experience was in college where 3 friends came out to me in about 2 weeks. I was SHOCKED. I took a moment to reflect whether I was gay (birds of a feather and all that). Concluded I was not gay - have not given a shit if someone was gay since then.

[-]

Old_Till2431@reddit

My big sis got outted when we were teens. I think i was the only one who wasn't surprised. I think her wife was the one who pointed out i could sense people before I knew what it was 🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️. Never judged, just didn't really matter. People are People.

[-]

A_Tom_McWedgie@reddit

The proper term is gaydar.

[-]

Old_Till2431@reddit

I know, I just hate that word lol. Its just the worst/best description.

[-]

Mangolandia@reddit

A dear friend from grad school, so not a lifelong friend, came out after a marriage that blew up spectacularly bad (spouse did illegal things). After some “wait, what, how long, is this new,” moments it was normal conversation until the started dating and finally had this long suppressed sexual awakening. It wasn’t inappropriate, just a friend sharing something they were new at, excited and nervous about. And now it’s just normal again

[-]

chompy_jr@reddit

Sorry about your friends man. My friend group is a bunch of a-holes, but orientation isn’t something we GAF about

[-]

OldGamerX79@reddit

I didn't care when they came out. We were in our 20s when they did. They are my friends and family and orientation does not change that

[-]

Distinct_Occasion178@reddit

Love and light to you. I'm hoping if you do come out to friends and colleagues that they surprise you with unconditional support and acceptance 🩷🩷🩷 We had a friend (M60) come out to us in his late 40s but it was literally no surprise in our circle of friends and no one skipped a beat.

[-]

Kryceks-Revenge@reddit

Yes, back in high school. But I hung out with the alt-rock, punks who gave no shits about being gay. I'm sorry your friends are kind of assholes. Maybe pick the least asshole one and start there?

[-]

ExtraAd7611@reddit

Sorry to hear that anyone else gives a crap about how you live your life. If you ask them, "what do you care?" what would they say?

A friend of mine came out 20 years ago. I didn't know but it wasn't altogether surprising. We are closer friends now than we were then. Another person I knew was very flamboyant but in the closet, and everyone knew except that person himself.

My daughter is bi and two of my former nieces are now nephews. It has no impact on my love for them. Gen z seems to take it in stride and has no trouble with new pronouns etc. I still fumble with them.

[-]

acreekofsoap@reddit

They’re to ugly to be gay’

[-]

Late-Connection980@reddit

kinda reminds me of this adam sandler movie i saw

[-]

Twizt1Up@reddit

Yeah . He was my best friend in high school before he came out in 1984. He's still my best friend now.

[-]

kcracker1987@reddit

As a (something -something)M, come out to me. I give zero effs about your sexuality. Be someone that I can rely on and that relies on me, and we're good.

Heck, I'll be your wing man.

[-]

MikeyRidesABikey@reddit

59yo guy here. I have a few friends who are out.

If those "friends" can't accept who you are, then they are not friends.

If you're near Grand Rapids, MI, I've got a ready-made friends group that would be happy to adopt you! (Especially if you spend a lot of time on a bicycle, though this part isn't required.)

[-]

After_Narwhal8582@reddit

It's nobodies business and unfortunately sometimes you have to shut it down by saying. I am good, I got my personal life covered. Incorporate more friends who will support you!

[-]

Right_Sentence8488@reddit

I have a friend who came out as gay at 45. She divorced, remarried, and had (more) kids with her wife.

I hope you are able to find acceptance and friends that support you. You're not alone in this journey. ❤️

[-]

GaryNOVA@reddit

Yes

[-]

Practical_Wind_1917@reddit

I had a few friends who ended up being gay and coming out in the early 2000’s. Never bothered me any.

[-]

chicagoliz@reddit

We did have one friend who didn't come out until he was 50, although we'd all long suspected. He'd never been married, though and doesn't have any kids. We are very happy for him.

We have other gay people in our family. I'm so sorry that you are encountering this. It should not be happening now.

[-]

No-Property1871@reddit

49F straight here. And I dont have much advise for you… but sending lots of strength and hugs! I think our generation grew up with parents that were more likely to be homophobic, therefore we were not always so accepting. I have kids that identify with the LGBTQ community and I have been humbled by both their struggle and their own acceptance of it. And just seeing anyone’s challenge with it, I think it needs to be fuck everyone else and live your life however you’re happy. If they can’t accept it, that’s on them and not you. Loud and proud!!!!

[-]

Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

Woman here. Hey I would love a friend like you!!!!! I’m sorry your friends are homophobic. That sucks especially this day and age. It’s a big deal for you to have told your kids and family. Proud of you. Hope you find some new friends that value you for who you are. Hugs 🤗

[-]

krebstorm@reddit

In 2026 if anyone can't accept you. Fuck them.

We got you. ❤️✌️

[-]

AllReflection@reddit

I’m 56. My kid came out as trans a few years back, I am fully supportive.