What does “being a guest” actually feel like in American homes?

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challengeseniorz@reddit

I won't answer my door for anyone. My best friend has a key and he would 100% let me know he was coming. If my family happens to come by I make them take me out to eat, I sure don't feed them. 🤣

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Mlady_gemstone@reddit

That you're part of the family and not a VIP in a hotel getting room service and maid privileges.

You make a mess, clean it up. You're hungry? Kitchen is that way, meals are at XYZ times. Be respectful of the other people in the house. Things that should be obvious but go whoosh over others heads.

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GbQ8194v@reddit

So the more rural you go, and I believe in the South (region) as well, it’s relatively more inviting/hospitable. There’s something called “Southern hospitality” which refers to the openness and kindness of people in the South who treat strangers (and friends) very well

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Adventurous-Pen4386@reddit

Keep your boots on, you're given a gun, country music in the background, discuss homeschooling, pray, pray to Trump, then talk in single syllable semi grunts.

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TiltedWit@reddit

Showing up unannounced is generally considered rude, *unless* an explicit open invitation in has been made between close friends.

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PhlyEagles52@reddit

"Close friends" is key here.

If i say to a casual friend "you're always welcome at our house," I would still expect time to be set up before they just show up

First-County3437@reddit

they leave it at the door, unless you have to sign for it.

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OHdulcenea@reddit

They leave it on the doorstep and take a photo of the delivery. I pick it up as they leave.

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ohfrackthis@reddit

Facts!

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LeGrandePoobah@reddit

A lot depends on area. Where I live, it is not uncommon to have a neighbor stop by because they saw something, need some help, etc. I would say that I prefer for someone to schedule with me if they are coming over. But, I will not turn them away if they didn’t schedule first. If they did it all the time, I might have a conversation. Close friends don’t even knock on the door, they let themselves in.

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CheesE4Every1@reddit

There isn't a script. Where I'm from you're invited to the home, in my family that can me invited inside or to the yard.

Unlike my mother, in my home, I'll offer a drink or food. If you refuse then no means no. Don't overstay your welcome, if we run out of things to talk about then maybe it's time to think about going. If you come over there is a reason, no sitting and shooting the breeze. We're probably playing a game or about to leave and hang out elsewhere. If you stay the night it's only because I trust you.

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OkWelder1642@reddit

It depends on the relationship. You never offer someone cologne. But, that’s interesting.

Thanks for proving that's a lie.

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shornscrot@reddit

How do you survive an r/whoosh like that!?! Very impressive. Condolences for your water allergy

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LuckPuzzleheaded1821@reddit

Yes means yes.

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HappyCamper2121@reddit

You should respect people's cultural traditions. If you can have a drink with me, you're alright, if not we may have a problem.

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Dick_of_Doom@reddit

Or people can't or don't want to. Can't due to dietary restrictions, for instance. Or that they don't want to have to pee at your house or on the way home.

I was raised in South Carolina. And lived some years in Georgia. My comment is more about my experience in the Deep South.

Rude? That's sad and you must feel important. But I get the boxer shorts thing.

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Majestic-Prune-3971@reddit

It's the tidy up that I find the most embarrassing. I need time to keep up appearances.

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sgtm7@reddit

Even before cell phones, I hated when people just showed up, and I wouldn't do it myself. Before cell phones, everyone still had telephones in the house. Call first!

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ChiSchatze@reddit

Have you ever seen Sebastian Maniscalco’s bit about Entenmenn’s or Sara Lee?

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Flat-Illustrator-548@reddit

I'm in the South, and my experience was the same growing up in the 70s and 80s. We would be out on the porch and a neighbor would wave as they walked by, then come over to chat. Might stay 5 minuts, might stay for an hour! If someone came in a car, they were several stages for leaving:

"Well, I better be going soon"... but nothing happened.
"Well, I guess I better be gettin' home", whereupon, they're go to the door and contine talking.
Next step.."Well, I'm gonna' hit the road now", and the host would walk them to the car and lean in the window to talk more.
Finally leaving while the host watched and waved from the driveway.

I'm a 57 year old Texan and it's been so long since I was at someone's place and helping with random chores or vice versa that I forgot it was ever a thing. Wow.

You know what, though? My second date with my wife was what you described - went to visit, ended up helping with chores.

This is so engrained in us from an early age in the South. I feel like an utter moral and social failure if a guest has came and went to my house and left without eating or drinking something.

Damn, I miss Entemann's!

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meshqwert@reddit

In my home we couldn't touch the nice looking cookies cause they were for company. My and my pa got to eat the burnt or less pretty ones. Burnt cookies still taste like holidays to me

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itsgr8@reddit

Oh my gosh! The list of alternatives!! Even in our own home, my husband gets the list 🤣 “No? Really? Well I can make coffee? Or tea? We have the Earl Grey … we have Lemon Zinger? What about Ginger ale ? Hot chocolate? I can make homemade hot chocolate in no time. Are you sure? ….. Ice water!!? Do you want ice water??” 🤣😆

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dingbatdummy@reddit

I’m from the west coast and I’m the same way. Can’t have my guests leave hungry or thirsty!

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JudgeJuryEx78@reddit

I'm a southerner, and I don't like sweets. People seem to take it as a personal offense if you don't want the offered sweets, and just repeatedly try pushing different sugary treats on you until you just give up.

I don't get it. If I say, "I don't like Brussels sprouts" they'll pass the bowl to the next person and not think twice. But the sweets! Lord have mercy, YOU MUST HAVE THE SWEETS!!!

It's hard having savory tooth in the South.

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cflatjazz@reddit

I grew up around a lot of poverty and people who would skip straight to "let me fix you a plate" without posing it as a question. You can eat it now or you can wrap it up and take it home, but if they have food to share they're making sure you have some.

I was gonna say. The entire midwest and south would like to have a word.

The thing is it isn't quite as codified as in middle-eastern culture. In the midwest, we're just trying to be mutually aware that the host might get carried away and offer more than they're comfortable with, or likewise the guest might feel too uncomfortable or "not at home" to ask for something they need.

It totally falls apart when the host forgets to offer a glass of water. Also sometimes they'll insist "Are you sure you want water? We have beer." And you have to actively refuse like 4 times.

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say592@reddit

"Are you sure you want water? We have beer." And you have to actively refuse like 4 times.

When I play cards we all bring our own coolers. I bring a sparkling water, an energy drink, and four beers. I usually plan on drinking 1-3 and offer the extras to someone who didn't bring anything or something someone might want to try. When I switch to my sparkling water or energy drink, I have to refuse multiple offers of beer from every single person there. Like guys, I do this every single time. You know I have extra beers because you have taken an one from my cooler.

It's not being pushy, they just really want to be certain that I actually want to be drinking water, because they can't imagine wanting to drink water.

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TheOkaySolution@reddit

Midwestern, also. Even after the "are you sure?" my grandmother would give it 20 minutes and say "I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee. Would you like some? Do you like decaf?"

Yes, a Minnesotan should offer three times.

As the guest, I am careful to very politely decline the first 2 offers.

I live in Minnesota. I have to routinely turn down offers multiple time.

It's a whole stereotype

https://youtu.be/OOcJ1k8_sKA?si=T2mStkt_dGq6Rjng

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AdamOnFirst@reddit

You haven’t been to the Midwest

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yossariandawn@reddit

Midwesterner here. I would feel pressured if they kept asking after I said no, especially the second time.

If they kept repeatedly insisting, I might say yes at the point to not make a scene and to get them to stop, but I wouldn't be happy about it. And even that would be very dependent on how I already felt about the host.

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AdamOnFirst@reddit

As a core northern midwesterner, I dispute that Missouri is even in the Midwest

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From the south,

That might be a you thing

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AtomikPhysheStiks@reddit

Yep. "Hey you want anything?"

"No, im good thanks though."

Entemans' coffee cake is mandatory!

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WrightS5@reddit

I'm from Connecticut and same. I try not to be annoying but I want guests comfortable.

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dragonsteel33@reddit

Yeah even on the West Coast the script for me has always been to ask if someone is sure if they decline. It’s not exactly a ritual refusal process, you don’t generally push past a second “no,” but you ask twice if they refuse to make sure they’re not just being polite

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ihatemyself887@reddit

I was born in the northeast US and lived there for all of the first 37ish years of my life. I just recently moved to the South. I honestly don’t get the whole hype around southern hospitality. I mean I guess some people are a little more friendly but it’s ultimately the same thing with more pick up trucks and different accents. I don’t doubt it was a thing back in the day but I’ve been all over the country and people are ultimately pretty much the same as far as I can tell.

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Snezzy_9245@reddit

1992 = yesterday. Tempus fugit.

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frisky_husky@reddit

I am under 30, but in fairness my mom was raised in a very old school Yankee pie-for-breakfast type household.

However, I have never felt that this was strange or out of step with social expectations. I think happens so quickly that people don't even realize they're doing it as they're doing it. To be clear, this only applies when someone is like offering to pay for your meal or something, not when people are offering a glass of water or a beer at a barbecue. It's exclusively when the setting doesn't require someone to offer something.

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Groftsan@reddit

I'm sorry that your parents taught you to lie and to not believe that no means no.

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InevitableRhubarb232@reddit

Except my grandma, she will offer me ice cream about 15 times every time I’m there

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Senkyou@reddit

Well, I think general attitudes towards direct communication and taking people at their word has gained a lot of traction too. For example, the whole idea of "no means no" goes really far and is best taken in all contexts rather than some.

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rhino369@reddit

I had to teach my mother in law (who grew up in Afghanistan) that when Americans say no twice they really mean it.

She’d put extra food on my plate after I said no 5 times because she expects people to say no when they mean yes.

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Bob_12_Pack@reddit

Reminds me of my grandmother. She would serve you an extra helping without asking, and was always trying to feed us. My mom didn't keep a lot of extra food in the house, so as latchkey kids, me and my brother would often ride our bikes over to Memaw and Pawpaw's house where they had every sandwich fixing known to man, as well as fresh fruit and produce. She's been gone for 22 years but I can still see Memaw's shaky hands peeling the skin off a tomato.

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nonother@reddit

I love tomatoes and we grew lots of them in our backyard when I was a kid. I’ve never once in my life peeled or had a peeled tomato. Why does one peel a tomato?

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Bob_12_Pack@reddit

Maybe it's a personal preference, I don't peel them either. She had dentures, perhaps the skins were problematic.

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This is generally true, but there's a whole chapter in How to Talk Minnesotan by Howard Mohr describing how you never accept an offer of refreshment until the third time. It's a humor book, but that's how I grew up. It was explicitly taught to me as a child to turn down anything but water at least the first time.

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exedore6@reddit

Pretty quickly that offering hospitality becomes, "You're welcome to this. You can get it if you want it."

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As_A_Feather@reddit

Speak for yourself.

This could be anything from a 1:1 with a friend or large gathering. The unspoken expectation is typically a clean home, usually dressed up with fresh florals and appealing scents. Depending on the size of the gathering, the host will either have food and beverages on display, such as a bar and table with several food offerings, or the host will offer the guest something to eat and drink before getting settled down.

What occurs during this time can vary greatly and their is no specific script. The main goal is for the host to take on an active role in making sure the guest feels welcome and comfortable.

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jackfaire@reddit

Unfortunately our unwritten rules vary wildly and most people think they don't.

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pinkharleymomma@reddit

It is important to clarify if you are looking for a place to spend the night and do your own activities during the day OR if you want to spend time with them.

How many dogs is an English mastiff? 😅

For reference, his “collar” is a men’s belt, size 32-36 inches. And he’s a thin 190 right now.

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Super_Selection1522@reddit

Shedding wise, 2 mastiff equal one GSD. And ive had a chow chow and its 4 chows to equal the shedding of one GSD. Im thinking that would make a good horror movie title: The Shedding. Plot: why is the back yard covered in hair?? Omg, its the Shedding! Run for your life!!!!!!

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74NG3N7@reddit

I think the happy tail added to the shedding can really make it a horror movie. This mastiff (not mine, a family member’s) will accidentally beat his own tail bloody every other year or so, and then think you’re playing a game of tag while he happy hops about the house spreading a mist of blood across furniture and walls.

toodleroo@reddit

I find that the stack of Costco crates that I have in the garage works best for this. Load em up and stash em in the bedroom until the guest leaves.

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JoeMorgue@reddit

There's an old standup bit, can't remember who.

glueintheworld@reddit

Hard disagree, I am in my 50s and you didn't just drop in on people.

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TheRealThordic@reddit

In the 80s and 90s my grandmother's house was practically a bus depot. She watched me n the summers and I never knew who was going to show up (often unannounced) and they'd hang out for hours.

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Annual-Duck5818@reddit

That’s so lovely! My mother would do anything for my son but she’s 77 and needs a good nap after thirty minutes of grandparenting from the couch/trying to get my active preschooler to read quietly with her 🤣

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illegal_miles@reddit

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Icey_Raccon@reddit

I'm willing to accept a pop-in from a neighbor asking for garden help or showing off a new pet or if a small child wants to tell the neighborhood.

There are many things that are done on sitcoms that people never do in real life.

It definitely was not a thing in my family either (in the 1960s/70s). Maybe it was different in the burbs, but we lived in an apartment in the city, where people were sociable but also protective of their privacy/family time.

MillieBirdie@reddit

People showed up to our house all the time in the 90s and early 2000s.

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Mattturley@reddit

It was absolutely normal in my area and with my family and friends.

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FataMorganaForReal@reddit

That's true to an extent, but sometimes we couldn't use the landline because a parent was waiting for an important call, or a sibling being selfish, etc. Forget about it when dial up internet came in to play. In my area, it was common to just show up at a friend's house. This was my JH/HS existence. That's why we used to hang out in parking lots and etc. So hopefully you only had to drive one place to find everybody. 😅

I think your explanation is much more true for the adulting types. Our parents were much more formal. If an adult friend of my parents came over, we knew beforehand. I had to clean my room too, even though it wasn't my friend, and none of them ever said "can we go upstairs so I can see your kids' rooms?". LOL. 😅

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rhino369@reddit

Sometimes you couldn’t call.

“Oh I happened to be near your house on an errand” was absolutely a good excuse to stop by.

As kids, you often just walked to and friends house to see if they were free.

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docmoonlight@reddit

It was absolutely common, especially if you had neighbors you were close to. But there would also be the “We just happened to be driving through your neighborhood and thought we’d stop by and see if you were home” pop-ins. I recall it being a very normal thing when I was a kid, and even continued a bit into the 2000s.

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Responsible-Care-388@reddit

It really depends on the person. It was absolutely a common thing for some families and their friends.

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CaptainMalForever@reddit

It definitely depends on the people and area. My parents live in a tiny town (1400 people) and think nothing of stopping in to their friends' house.

This, but in my rural area it was seasonal as well. If the weather is fine, so lawn chairs on the yard or on the porch are possible, it is/was ok to drop by, but refreshments would be whatever was in the fridge. Water, ice tea, possibly soda, even juice or milk if the littles were there. Rarely any type of food for a drop in.

That really depends on where you are, and who is showing up unannounced. When I was in my young twenties, my circle of friends (about 5 or 6 of us) all lived walking distance from each other. Not only did we frequently show up at each other's places, but we didn't even need to knock. My place was the most frequently visited, but that's only because mine was the most centrally located. My friends would just walk in the front door, and it was always great to see them.

MainelyKahnt@reddit

I agree but with the caveat: unless it's a local best friend you've known for years. I definitely have had this happen or done this many times: show up to friends house or building (if in a city) and either knock on the door or send the "you at home"/"wyd" text. Usually for my long time friends in the area. I've also had a good buddy of mine see that I was having a campfire in the backyard and he just walked up with some beers and hung out. Definitely a vibe dependent thing tho.

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VinceP312@reddit

In a tight-knit neighborhood situation it's not rude, depending upon familiarity.

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This is pretty much how it is for me as well. We have a handful of friends that are always welcome and often they’ll text first, but sometimes they’ll just stop by. These are the people that we can say “you know where the fridge is” to. Most likely though I’ll ask them if they want something to drink initially. And these friends might go in the fridge for a refill and ask if my husband or I need something while they’re there.

If it was a planned gathering I was hosting like for a holiday, that’s a little different. Have some sort of hors d’ourvres (sp?) for snacking and I would also be just in general more hostess-like.

But if we’re that comfortable that “make yourself at home” is the standard, that’s what’s up.

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judgingA-holes@reddit

I have to know .... Do you have a replica of the Mystery Machine, or did you find that picture somewhere?

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AssSpelunkingAtheist@reddit

Just a picture I got off the internet. I do not own one. However, a couple years ago I was driving down either I-390 or I-490 in the Rochester, NY area and I passed by one, living its best life going exactly the speed limit in the rightmost lane, and that just made my day! The little things, I guess!

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Yes Batmobile and KITT are a must!

I would also have a 1967 Ford Mustang Fastback, and a 1970 Dodge Charger. Both from newer movies/shows than the others but dear to my heart all the same.

But I would trade you your Oscar Meyer weinermobile for the the Mutts Cutts van from Dumb and dumber 😂

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AssSpelunkingAtheist@reddit

Excellent point, I would ABSOLUTELY take the Shaggin Wagon over the hot dog. “They’re driving an ‘84… sheepdog” 😂😂

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judgingA-holes@reddit

YES!! Great taste in movies. Giving you a dap through the internet my friend lol

And you may be tired of me by now, but if you care to indulge a few more questions (no offense taken or judgement if you do not) I see that your profile description (or whatever you call it) says artistic metalhead.... Do you play, and if so what? And what would you say your top 3 concerts have been?

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AssSpelunkingAtheist@reddit

I’m a classically trained singer and I play several instruments. Piano is my forte. I’ve been in quite a few local cover bands.

One thing that I used to do was play piano covers of rock/metal songs. That was a solo project. “Gone Away” by the Offspring was one that went over very well. Also several System of a Down songs were well received.

The first band I was in, I was the singer, and also played keys for probably half the songs. We did mostly 90s rock and we did a lot of songs that were recorded by male singers, not for that reason, just because we liked those songs.

Another band I was in was half a Journey tribute, the other half similar songs done by artists such as Foreigner, REO Speedwagon, Bon Jovi, Styx. I was predominately the keyboard player, but for a 4-hr set I’d sing probably 8 songs, give or take, but for the rest I’d be doing backups. We did a couple mashups, so to speak, that I orchestrated. My favorite was going from “Eye of the Tiger” with a quick transition into “Edge of Seventeen” and then at the end went back into the last chorus of “Eye of the Tiger”. As you can imagine for that one we switched between myself and our lead singer.

Also was in a band that was an 80s hair metal tribute. Skid Row, Poison, Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, Queensryche, Quiet Riot, Guns n Roses, etc. I played keyboards for that band.

That’s probably way more than you were expecting! Ha.

Anyways, top 3 concerts:

Ozzfest 2006. I was crowd surfing while System of a Down was performing “Old School Hollywood”
Nightwish, The Egg in Albany, NY. 2018. Absolutely fantastic talent and I had CHILLS. One of my top 5 bands of all time.
Ghost, The Palace Theater in Albany, NY. 2018. First concert my now husband and I went to together. Tight as hell. Played for like three hours with only a fine minute break. A-may-zing show. When the started playing “Year Zero” you didn’t see any phones out. Just horns in the air. 🤘🏻

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GryffindorGal96@reddit

The US is big and multicultural. A lot of times it depends on the family's culture, how close you are to the people who live there, the nature of your visit, where in the country you are, etc.

The south is known to be more "hospitable," and the Midwest more "friendly." But of course that's generalizing and not indicative of rudeness elsewhere.

I've been over to houses where they don't offer me anything and I sit in the same chair the entire polite visit. There are other homes where I've been told not to knock, and just come in when I get there. "Go ahead, raid the fridge, help yourself" kind of people who would let me crash on their couch with any blanket from the closet.

The good news is, since we have such a variety in hosts - we have such a variety in guests. So as long as you are polite, most hosts won't be offended by much. If you have a question, ask. I would not be offended if you asked for a glass of water, for example. I would be a little weirded out if you went to go get it yourself from my cabinets without asking me.

One thing: It's not automatic custom to remove shoes. Some families ask you to take your shoes off, and some would much prefer you keep them on.

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waffleironone@reddit

The way I was raised there is a general format. If you’re invited over you show up on time, within 15 minutes of the invite.

The host welcomes you and says hi and you hug, “come in!”.

Guest asks if I should take my shoes off, host says “no you’re good!”, if the host isn’t wearing shoes then the guest takes theirs off and leaves them neatly by the door.

Guest follows the host in, if other people are there the guest says hi to everyone, if anyone hasn’t been introduced the host introduces them. Host goes “can I get you anything?” And then you list what beverages you have. If we’re there to do an activity around drinking you offer beer or wine or a cocktail. If not, you offer your other beverages you have in the house, host always offers a glass of water.

I was taught to always offer snacks no matter what the occasion is. If it’s a dinner party there will be small plates of snacks like chips, crackers, cheese, olives before dinner. If it’s casual I’ll do like crackers and nuts maybe some candy I have it. If it was unexpected I’ll do whatever I have already, I usually have olives so I’ll bring some out. Older more formal people like my grandma would always have some baked goods so if you’re there in the afternoon she’d bring that out.

Dropping by unexpected is rare. But I find it pretty common to end up at someone’s house after another activity in the area. Say we’re in a neighborhood for dinner with some friends, we’ll go back to the closest house and have a drink and play some games with a friend before calling it a night. I’ll be out shopping with a friend, we’ll go back to mine and I’ll make some coffees and we’ll have a snack. Etc.

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Ovenproofcorgi@reddit

If I have someone over, I'll offer them a couple options for drinks and if they say no I'll let them know where things are for the future. As far as people turning up unannounced? Only acceptable if it's little kids lol

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GizmoCaCa-78@reddit

Generally “my house is your house, bathrooms down the hall, theres the fridge (a brief summary of whats in the fridge) and theres beer in the garage, help yourself”

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Lunar_M1nds@reddit

I think it depends more on what sort of space ppl what to make. My family background is Caribbean but I born and raised in America.

My great grandmother was known as a firm but loving god fearing woman. Show up anytime and she had food for you. She had sewed dinner mats with ppls names on it bc that’s just an old school thing ppl did here, putting cute old lady doilies on pictures frames and albums and anything else as per 70s/80s taste. Anywho for all that love for her family, she was wildly homophobic. Borderline violent. More than once my mom can account for times when she cursed and shame strangers who were doing nothing but going about their day.

My grandma was never outwardly homophobic, but she is quietly judgmental and plays favorites with her grandchildren. Everyone was always welcome but she stopped being the type of host who liked to cook and warm ppl up. More of the going out to dinner type but ppl couldn’t just show up. Definitely a call ahead a few hours at least woman.

My mom is not at all religious, not at all homophobic and actually takes the time to inform herself on queer related things. But you cannot show up to my moms house for a damn thing and plans with her takes minimum 2 business days of planning. My mom ofc tries to make guests feel welcomed, but lived with her for most of my life and she likes her home a certain way. I lived like I didn’t exist as best I could bc it was always clear this was her house that I had the privilege of living in.

I open my home to my friends and family as often as I can. I have a bed and other sleeping options, I try to accommodate foods and snacks in the fridge, i dont care where they leave their shoes and most of the time I’m cool with impromptu visits bc I want a space where friendship thrives. My friends are different in so many ways and anyone who knows me is always safe with me. My friends ofc respect me enough to still ask ahead but they know if they needed to they could crash here.

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Proud_Huckleberry_42@reddit

In poorer countries people usually insist on giving you more food. It is like they are doing you such a big favor by feeding you more food. In countries like the US, where just about everyone can eat almost anything they want and whenever they want, if they say No to someone offering them food, then it is No. Showing up unannounced is normally considered rude. And, the host usually offers something to drink first. It could be coffee, tea, beer, or whatever the guest picks from the choices given by the host. It also depends on the occassion.

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teamricearoni@reddit

In no particular order I thought about American customs when it pertains to hosting/ being a guest, and listed them out.

Showing up unannounced is considered rude.

Depending on where you are in the us there are customs and things you might expect. Like in the south for example you are more likely to be offered sweet tea ( always iced) almost right away.

In the Midwest there is what some have called " the doorway goodbye", or the "midwest goodbye". This is where, when you leave you say goodbye but you don't actually leave, you keep talking for 30 more minutes as you slowly inch your way to the door. This is considered normal. If you are too eager to leave the host may think you didn't have a good time.

Some folks don't wear shoes in the house, its unlikely that you wouldn't know this about the host ahead of time but if they do this, they will tell you.

If you're eating dinner is always a nice gesture to run your plate to the kitchen sink after you're done no matter where you're at. Always thank whomever is feeding you.

As a host you end up cleaning the entire house. Not just areas they are likely to be. For example I can't remember how often I had to clean my room growing up because my parents friends were coming over. Why? Because, that's why.

Its a nice gesture to bring a bottle of alcohol if you're going somewhere where a) you are likely going to be drinking anyway. Or b) you are trying to make a good impression upon somebody, i.e. your boss or future inlaws. Acceptable alcohol: 1) wine ( easiest choice, most people will drink this) 2) scotch( if you know they are into this type of thing) 3) bourbon( Americas native spirit, it was a really big thing for a while as bourbon kinda went though a renaissance over the past 10ish years, but that's mostly over. Why is it over? Who knows? But it will always be a thing where I live (Kentucky)Again make sure that person will drink it)

If you are the guest, compliment them on their home. They just took a long time to clean it, including places they don't want you to go or see. But don't mention how clean it is, just that you like the decorating etc. This is also why its considered rude to show up unannounced. An unannounced guest arriving to an unkempt home will drive the homeowner into a tizzy and or panic attack.

If you really want to go above and beyond and leave a lasting impression, Do the dishes after you eat. Don't ask, just do. If they say something like " oh that's not necessary, leave that to us." Say to the host, " oh are you sure?, its no problem really." Now two things will happen. Either they allow you to continue, if so finish the task at hand, or they insist that they will do the dishes after you leave, if so finish the dish you were on. Set it aside to dry, and move on.

No means no and yes means yes. If, for example, you were offered cake and said "oh no thank you," the host may ask again out of courtesy, but a second no will likely deal the deal and you won't be asked again usually. There may be several reasons you refused desert and in this day and age people tend to not push back out of custom/ obligation/ politeness/ as much as they did 20 years ago. Of course your milage may verry

Remove your hat indoors, unless its some religious covering.

Don't talk politics or religion.

All of this is just what came to mind, different regions and parts of the country may feel different or do things different.

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VaguelyCompetentDude@reddit

The "showing up unannounced" is also regional, but depends very much on the closeness of the relationship. I have a couple of neighbors who I expect to show up unannounced, and vice versa. But.those are also the same neighbors I will give a key to my house and ask to check on my cat when I'm out of town, and vice versa.

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teamricearoni@reddit

boldjoy0050@reddit

I think Americans tend to be a little more direct and casual

My parents are very casual and laid back and my wife who is from a more traditional culture finds this poor hospitality.

My parents will pick us up from the airport and say "what do you want to do for dinner? Go out, order a pizza, or eat leftovers in the fridge?"

My father in law will pick us up at the airport and my mother in law will have been slaving away in the kitchen for 2 days and cleaning the entire house for a week straight.

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phoenix762@reddit

If it’s a south Philly Italian mom she’s not gonna accept “no”, you better eat and drink something 🤣

Seriously, though, seems to depend a bit on what people are used to. I’m probably going to ask you once, if you say no, I’ll ask, you sure? then I’m not going to bother you anymore…

Thats so fucking smart omg im gonna steal this

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LitPixel@reddit

we take no as meaning "no"

100%. I think that might leave outsiders feeling unwelcome. But you said no.

I still might follow up with "I also have some XXX and some YYYs if you want any of that". Or if I know they're shy, I'm pouring myself some tea would you like some too.

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Suppafly@reddit

Americans will offer a beverage, but usually we are pretty generic and offer people a choice, hot or cold, whatever we have on hand.

In my house it's literally what we have on hand for ourselves too, not anything special. It might just be water, coffee (I'll start a pot), tea (I'll microwave a cup of water and you can pick from normal or various flavors of tea bags), or maybe soda if I happen to have some on hand. I know some people probably still get into hosting guests, but most people in my tax bracket at least, don't do anything particularly special.

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PhilRubdiez@reddit

“You want something to drink?” Followed by a few things I have in the fridge, water, or coffee.

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standingdesk@reddit

This is the ideal, but in reality hosting is flexing and everyone sort of acknowledges or ignores that at their own peril

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AndrasKrigare@reddit

I'd say there's some rituals that still exist, if not specific to OP's question. Like getting the check at a restaurant. It's pretty much always (for me) something like

"I got the check"

"No I got it"

"I insist"

"Are you sure?"

Depends on the region. Usually a guest is at least offered water. Dropping by unannounced isn’t common here (mid-Atlantic). We are busy and plan our visits, no matter how important.

In Iceland it’s polite to offer coffee asap to guests, so I now do that. It helps me Feel welcome so I have adopted the custom from Icelanders.

Here it is now also polite to remove shoes or ask at least if shoes should be removed.

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No_One113812@reddit

The US is a huge country and the answer will shift by region and demographic.

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ancientastronaut2@reddit

I don't think we have one universal playbook here in the US.

I was raised to have hospitality and manners that may seem old fashioned to some.

As much as I may find it annoying if someone showed up unannounced, I would probably do my best to accomodate them, whereas some people would be "oh hell no, there's a hotel down the street".

Of course also depends who it is.

I would mostly be embarrassed my place is messy, but would probably end up enjoying their surprise visit.

ImAlsoNotOlivia@reddit

If it’s a short visit, I’ll offer a drink of some sort. If they’re invited for like board games, I’ll have snacks available.

People don’t really seem to drop by unannounced much anymore (can call or text ahead of time, like “I’m in the area, mind if I drop by?”). The only ones who usually do are my neighbors and it’s not really for a visit so much as questions/information sharing.

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Ill-Daikon-5637@reddit

It doesn't mean anything here, everywhere and everyone is different.

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1NqL6HWVUjA@reddit

Like others have said, there's a very wide variety of behavior depending on culture, region, socioeconomic class, relationship to the guests, and so on. There simply isn't a monoculture in the US.

That said, I think the closest a typical American would come to an "unspoken script" would be an invitation to a dinner at a home. Something planned days or weeks in advance, not spur-of-the-moment. Generally, guests will bring a gift like a bottle of wine or dessert. Some hosts (generally more old-fashioned types) would be offended if no gift was brought; others would not think anything of it. There will be a bit of small talk, drinks, and probably an appetizer for a bit while the meal is prepared. Generally this would be in a sitting area separate from the dining room. Eventually (maybe after 30-60 minutes) everyone moves to the dining room. You eat the meal, have more drinks, probably dessert. A meal is generally a nicer-than-usual affair of an entree and a few sides, perhaps a soup as well — not a massive spread of never-ending food like some parts of the world. That kind of thing is generally reserved for special holiday meals. After the meal it's often customary to offer coffee, even though most people would never otherwise drink coffee at ~8pm. That's generally the signal that things are starting to wrap up, and soon after coffee guests would begin to leave. The entire thing would be expected to take around 3 hours.

In my experience, that's typical of dinner parties for casual acquaintances — especially professional relationships. But even that will have some variation. In some areas, more of a backyard barbecue vibe would be typical for a dinner party. And again, that's for a pre-planned event. If someone shows up at short notice, generally the expectation would only be to offer something to drink, and maybe some kind of snack.

is showing up unannounced ever acceptable in the US, or is it generally seen as rude unless it’s planned?

As someone born in the late '80s growing up in the midwest, it's something that used to be acceptable, but now is generally rare and openly considered rude and unwanted. My current neighborhood even has a group chat mostly full of people I've never actually met. If something is needed from a neighbor, people use that rather than knocking on doors.

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socabella@reddit

If invited to someone’s home, it’s polite to bring something. Flowers, dessert, or a bottle of wine are all popular gifts. If staying for a few days, a guest will usually pay for one of the meals as well.

As a guest, the host will provide everything. Food, drinks, and conversation.

It’s okay to accept the first time something is offered. If you decline, the host may doublecheck, “Are you sure?”. If you decline a second time, they will assume you don’t want it.

Don’t show up unannounced. It’s polite to be invited over (don’t force an invitation), and offering to host the next time is common.

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Forlorn_Cyborg@reddit

Like with anything in the US it varies by region. In the 90s and earlier on being a guest was very welcoming. Family or friends could show up unannounced and it was welcomed. Nowadays if you go to someone’s house you call before hand.

In Italian American households they used to offer Sandra lee coffee cake, pastries, maybe sambuca (liquor). Nowadays you’re lucky to get a cup of coffee. Or

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gdubh@reddit

There is absolutely no norm. It all depends on the host. Very close family and friends may drop by unannounced. No one else does.

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jickdam@reddit

Absolutely. For example, in the US some people might offer a snack if it’s convenient but meals are usually not prepared or insisted upon unless pre-arranged.

The second part is a new change. Once we all got cell phones and text messaging we were able to 1) stay ‘in touch’ easier, but this also 2) build a bit of a social moat around our personal spaces. Meaning that it’s seen as rude to drop by unannounced in 2026 but it was 100% normal when I was growing up 30+ years ago. Hell, even my neighbors aren’t happy to see me until they see the baked goods in my hand that I’m dropping off because I made too much.

The first: totally depends on the culture. I love hosting so I would probably invite you over specifically to feed you. But if unannounced I would offer whatever I had available and if you said no thanks I would let it go. The states are also a ‘driving country’ so food and drink is one of those things that we already plan for during our day. You won’t catch us unprepared because we know we can get food and drink any time we want (drive thrus, water bottles, coffee shops, etc).

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No-Hedgehog648@reddit

Different regions have different hospitality customs. In the US South, we believe hospitality is extremely important. If you show up unannounced, I’ll pretend I don’t care even if I do. We know to call first most of the time. We have a similar script to yours. First we offer coffee, tea, or any other beverage we have. Second, we offer food. If we don’t have snacks or premade food, we usually offer to cook up something if you’re hungry. If you turn it down, we will offer usually several more times but at least once. Then we will ask you how your family is. My go to is “How’s your mama and them?” If the guest is also southern, they will ask about my family after I ask about theirs. After all that, we can actually get down to the point of the visit.

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NoWonder375@reddit

The unannounced thing really is regional or person to person. In my last region, my friends would pop in all the time. Maybe they’d just sit at my table while I cleaned and we’d chat. In my new region, a city, that’s not nearly as common.

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Ok-Ad8998@reddit

A lot of that is different depending on local culture differences. Also personal preferences. For example, my home is my fortress against the world, so I don't often have guests. But when I do, they have nearly full run of the place.

Another thing: "dropping by" was a lot more common when everyone wasn't carrying a messaging device full time.

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husky_whisperer@reddit

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Quirky-Bar4236@reddit

If one of my friends offered me cologne as soon as I got to their house then I'd assume I forgot deodorant.

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zoppaTheDim@reddit

I’m going to tell you an actual universal.

Old ladies will always try and feed you, always.

Doesn’t matter the culture, you eat it, smile, thank them, and they will keep pushing food on you.

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_kamara@reddit

For reference, I’m in New England (north east US): There’s no real script, usually just invite in, offer a seat and a beverage. If they decline, we’ll typically ask “are you sure?” And rattle off a list of what we have on hand for soft drinks.

There is no script, we don't have that level of formality and there is not the kind of hospitality that you're used to. I was born in the nearby country that had a lot of Turkish influence and my mom has always told me about the legendary hospitality. Americans are nothing like that! You will likely be offered water or something to drink, either alcoholic or non-alcoholic depending on the household. You might get offered some thing to eat or a snack but not necessarily. We tend to be pretty informal and if you decline, you're probably not going to get asked again lol. Then again if you are somebody that were friendly with, we will usually welcome you to help yourself to a drink or a snack should you want one and we truly mean it. A lot of Americans have a separate drink refrigerator so I guess can go get themselves something out of the drink refrigerator. I know it's probably unheard of in your culture not to be served, but we don't stand on formality here.

Never heard of being offered cologne, that's not a thing here, in fact many people are getting away from wearing cologne due to fragrance sensitivities of others. Also to answer your question it is considered pretty rude to just stop by somebody's house. Honestly they probably won't even answer the door! You always call ahead and plan a visit.

If you're invited for a dinner party or something more formal, then there is more of a script. You should bring a small Hostess gift, a bottle of wine or a treat of some sort or some other type of gift, fancy soaps, whatever. Inexpensive but to show your appreciation. Then of course you will be served food, probably multiple courses, though you may need to help yourself to the actual food, it would be rude not to at least taste everything. But nobody's going to force it on you like in a culture like yours where they just keep insisting lol. If you have a dietary restriction, you should tell the hostess in advance.

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Axxtr@reddit (OP)

Lemon cologne isn’t really like perfume. It’s more like a light citrus-scented alcohol you splash on your hands to feel clean and refreshed. In Turkey, it’s something people offer to guests. It smells nice, but the main point is hygiene and that fresh feeling, not wearing a fragrance

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MrTeeWrecks@reddit

Most of that seems pretty similar. Except the cologne. It’s considered rude to offer your guests something to make them smell better right when they walk in.

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Smells like lemon if lemon cologne, tobacco if it's tobacco cologne some people also may also offer rose water instead of cologne

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IMissVegas2@reddit

I have to ask...you offer cologne to a guest? If you are talking about a fragrance of some kind, I think most Americans would find that insulting because it implies they smell bad.

Anyway, I offer coffee, tea, or water to older guests. Younger guests tend to carry drinks wherever they go and that includes into my home (which I think is rude but would never say anything).

I only consider someone a guest if they've been invited. If that's the case and it's a casual get-together, I have food and drinks to offer. That usually means coffee already brewed and very light food prepared. I put sweets and snacks in dishes on the living room coffee table. I also put down small bowls, plates, and napkins on the table. Depending on the situation, I might offer to fix a plate for someone. I would always put a cookie on a plate for myself and take one bite since people often don't want to be the first to take something.

A cookout (outdoor barbecue) is a very casual meal with outdoor seating and most of the meat is cooked on a grill. Guests typically bring food to share. The host provides cold drinks and paper plates, bowls, etc., although some guests offer to bring those things, too.

The host of a more formal dinner party will have a dining table and chairs, and will provide all of the food and drinks. If appropriate, I might provide drinks and light food in the living room before sitting down for the full meal in the dining room.

Sorry to be so long-winded, but very little (if anything) is provided for uninvited people. I don't think most Americans answer the door to strangers. Front door cameras can preview who it is. I will answer the door if it's a neighbor I recognize, but I usually step out of the door to talk.

I would open the door to an uninvited family member or close friend and ask them in for coffee or whatever I have available. But 99% of people I know will text to say they're stopping by. My response is to say to walk on in, the door is open.

I'm 68 and raised by a mother with very formal manners, so I know when and how to be formal, but my adult children and friends like everything to be casual. I try to find a balance between the two, keeping in mind that formality makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

Thank you to anyone who read all of this!

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Axxtr@reddit (OP)

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Frustrated9876@reddit

I have been to Turkey. I have dined with people in Turkey. I have dined in homes in Turkey. (Turkye?)

You guys are not so different. You like to grill, we like to grill. You like salads, we like salads. You show up prepared to make some Turkish kabab, you’re going to be a god. (Although our local supermarket offers Turkish kabab…)

But America is VERY casual. There is no “script”. None whatsoever. (I’m in California, it might be more formal on the east coast, but I doubt it.)

The general shtick is: people arrive, have appetizers (nuts, hummus, cheese, whatnot) available in the kitchen. Everyone hangs out in the kitchen as dinner is made by the hosts. Hosts will offer drinks. It’s customary to discuss how incredibly (/s) complicated it was to make dinner.

(Keep in mind, some ashamedly high percentage of Americans live off of microwave meals entirely. I’m presuming this is not the target audience.)

Depending on the dinner, then move to the dining table or, in an even more casual setting (which is quite common) you serve yourself like at a buffet.

Hosts will offer drinks.

That’s it. We, Like you, can sit at that dining table for hours. Leave a liqueur on the table, perhaps. Also perhaps a desert. In the west it’s not uncommon for there to be no desert - just liqueur or a plate of cookies. But that varies substantially.

I think the experience is also different based on the audience. The U.S. is MUCH more culturally diverse than Turkye. Perhaps more diverse than Europe, itself. Texas and California and New York might as well be three different countries.

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ArcticBeavers@reddit

Since the US is composed of a quilt of many different cultures and beliefs, there can't be one specific answer. People can only answer for the culture/region they come from.

For example, I grew up in Florida in a hispanic home. Our customs are completely different from someone who grew up in suburban Pennsylvania.

Because of this, there is a general kindness that needs to be practice by all. Always offer your guests water/tea/coffee/wine. If you are a guest, don't be afraid to say yes, but also don't consume too much of your host's stuff. Ask if it is necessary to take off your shoes.

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Axxtr@reddit (OP)

thanks for the information also I forgot to mention that you cannot enter any House with shoes in Turkey that's something we find very weird:)

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SummitJunkie7@reddit

There are shoes off and shoes on households in the US - best to just ask when you arrive at the door.

If your hosts are wearing socks, best to take your shoes off. If they don't mind, they'll likely stop you and say "oh no need". If they are wearing shoes, I'd ask "should I take my shoes off?" or "is it ok to leave my shoes on?" to confirm.

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Lack-Professional@reddit

The point about the US being a multicultural society is a good one to understand. Not only are there different ethnicities, but those cultures are often blended and you can’t make assumptions based on ethnicity. Hispanic cultures vary widely, and many families become homogenized to a dominant culture. It’s part of what makes the US a more freeing feeling for many immigrants, because they are unburdened by social norms they left behind. But then much is lost, and there is less of a community support feeling. This is based on my experience living oversees.

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SummitJunkie7@reddit

There's no standard script.

If someone offers you something, and you would like it, say "yes that would be great, thanks!" If you say no, they may not offer again. Generally Americans are more direct and more likely to take you at your word. It's not at all impolite to say "yes" to something that is offered.

Generally, it's very rude to show up to someone's home unannounced, unless you have an extremely close relationship and have established between the two of you that you are fine with it. If you have that type of relationship with someone, you'll know it. Otherwise, only go to someone's home if they invite you. If you'd like to get together with someone, invite them to your home, or invite them to meet somewhere like at a coffee shop or restaurant. It's up to them to suggest invited you to their home, if they choose to.

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nautilator44@reddit

The US is like 20+ different cultures. It varies wildly based on the region.

I'm in the midwest, and with most of my friends it's expected to just walk in without knocking or anything. Maybe yell "I'm here" to let them know you're there.

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nonother@reddit

Even within regions it differs quite a lot.

As a small example here in San Francisco it’s quite rude to leave your shoes on when you enter a home. The streets are pretty dirty so you wouldn’t want that tracked through your home. If you go out to the Bay Area suburbs, in my experience it’s quite inconsistent whether taking one’s shoes off is expected.

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HerVividDreams@reddit

It feels rather uncomfortable to me. I am not naturally tidy and it's a pain to be careful in someone else's house

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msklovesmath@reddit

Where i am from, it is typical to say no to something but yes once it is offered again. The first no is because you dont want to be a bother.

When I moved to Italy, this was considered rude bc when you eventually say yes, the host feels like they have forced you.

The US is a huge place and people will host their guests in different ways. Some people plan their entire days around their guests. They cater to them and want them to relax. In my extended family, it is very normal to show guests where all the cups etc are and say "make yourself at home. help yourself to anything you need." While some people think this is rude bc the host is not centering the guest, it is intended to invite the guests to be as comfortable as they would be at home.

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improbdrunk@reddit

This is a way more complex question than you may have thought. There's a lot that goes into it.

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Footnotegirl1@reddit

You'll find differences all over, but generally speaking, America is a much more casual country when it comes to these sorts of social interactions.

If you are an invited guest to someone's home, whether casually or for an event like a holiday party, you're likely to be welcomed in and asked if you want anything to drink, often the options will be stated. If you were offered a specific drink "Hey, welcome to the barbecue, can I get you a beer?" and you say no, another option will usually be offered "Alright, we have iced tea or sodas instead?" that sort of thing. Food will be offered if it's part of the event or near a meal or snack time, but not 100% of the time.

Unless I've lived in the northern midwest all of my life, and pretty much only children are not considered rude for coming over uninvited. A neighbor might knock on your door to say hi or bring up something in the neighborhood like "Oh hey, we're getting our house painted next tuesday so there's going to be workmen around." etc. But they would not expect to be invited in. Otherwise... you call first. Though it could be spontaneous like "Hi Barbara, I had a meeting today on your side of town that ended early, and I've got extra donuts, got time for me to stop by and have a snack together?" would be fine. But jsut showing up with donuts would be awkward.

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Mammoth-Incident4121@reddit

It really depends on the culture, which is different in different parts of the country - where I am now people are generally far less hospitable than where I grew up.

Dropping in here is unthinkable, but growing up we had an open door policy and people could come and go anytime. There would always be food and drink available and we’d stop whatever we were doing to visit.

Where I am now is a lot more reserved and in 20 years I can count on one hand the times people have dropped by unannounced. Not because they are unfriendly, it’s just a different way they do things here.

My husbands grandmother was from Japan and moved to the US (Hawaii) when she hit married. In Hawaii it is common to always bring a gift when you go to someone’s house and in Japan it was common to alway have a gift for guests - so everytime we’d visit we would exchange our guest/host gifts first thing - it never stopped even after we had been married for years. I haven’t thought about that in a while, thanks for helping me remember that sweet exchange we always had 🥰

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TradeBeautiful42@reddit

For showing up unannounced, it’s very common in sitcoms, but in real life it’s less so. Kids still did it when I was growing up.

If you are very close friends or considered family you might have a key or some other way in and can drop by unannounced or with just a curtesy text. I’ve seen some people who drop in truly unannounced, but they were the absolute closest friend of the home owner every time: siblings in all but blood.

As for the scripts, it depends on the reason for guests, just like everywhere else. Depending on whether it’s a holiday, Super Bowl party, movie night, etc. each has a general accepted pattern for host and guest that may vary by region a bit.

We don’t have a standard food or drink offering for guests. Though by region you might be offered iced tea or lemonade in summer. Coffee is more often offered in the morning or at a business. Hot tea is rarely offered regionally in my experience. Usually the host will briefly list whatever drinks are available. Same for snacks: the host will usually list whatever is readily available. Some regions can be pushy about food and drink. Mostly I’ve seen that in the south and northern midwest.

Generally, a guest is expected to be a little reserved in spite of being told to “make themselves at home.” For example, I’m very much a night owl, but if I was staying overnight with someone, I would never watch tv in a public area after my host has gone to bed. I would go to my room and keep quiet. Even if I was just staying as a guest in my parent’s house.

I also wouldn’t take food unless I had been told specific foods I could have. When I have groups of friends over, I stock a mini fridge with drinks they can absolutely pillage and I place bowls of snacks out that they can eat. Those or similar solutions are pretty common to allow guests choices without them feeling rude or myself feeling pushy.

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Brewdude77@reddit

Midwest here. The unannounced spontaneous drop-by sort of died when cell phones and texting became ubiquitous.

I sort of miss it.

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tehmimikitteh@reddit

usually dinner is planned. offering something like coffee/tea/water/soda is typical, and sometimes guests will bring something as well (wine, a side dish for the dinner, etc).

however, you should never just show up unannounced. it's considered rude. most people will still let you in their house and be a bit less warmly polite, but there are people like me who will let you just keep knocking on the door until you give up, or tell you to go away.

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Expensive-Wedding-14@reddit

My university mate had me come to dinner with his family. We were in Texas, but the family was British. At dinner, there was an extra serving of meat, which they offered to me as the guest. I declines and passed platter. All around the table, everyone declined and it was offered to me again.

Since everyone had declined, I took the meat. Everyone held their breath. I guess they thought their family pattern was understood universally.

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Common-Parsnip-9682@reddit

I know a lot of people in these comments are talking about the west of the us, so I’m gonna talk about the east coast, where I am from! It’s pretty much the same, when a guest comes over, we greet them ask how they are and maybe give a hug if the people are close enough. Then we usually do the same offer a drink, maybe food. And then usually the guest is there for whatever they planned. Over here it is usually not accepted to just show up at someone’s house, unless they give you permission to do so. It is considered weird and sometimes rude if you just show up because we take our privacy in our homes seriously, that is our space we live in, we like to have that person extend an invitation for us to enter. That’s pretty much how it is.

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Rundiggity@reddit

If you’ve been invited into my house, I’ll ask if you’d like a glass of water, or tea. We will talk or play games. Go for a walk and eat at meal times. I will host you until you don’t want to be hosted any longer. You can stay the night if you want.

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DivyaRakli@reddit

I would invite you in, offer you a seat and a drink, give a quick tour of my house so you know where all the necessary things are. Offer food and/or say when the next meal is coming and what we’re having. Sit down and visit. Maybe show off some of my favorite family pictures and knickknacks. The TV would be off but I’d play music. Probably my “Guardians of the Galaxy” station on Pandora music. And maybe a quick song from “1990’s Dancehall” if I think you’ve never heard it. We’d eat and I’d insist the dishes would be worried about later. Maybe play a card game like UNO; it’s pretty universal. I’d try to send leftovers home with you and then invite you back real soon.

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Beautiful-Mountain73@reddit

I guess the “script” would be the guest takes off their shoes (depending on the household) and is usually offered a drink. Sometimes food is offered depending on the situation. If you decline food/drink, you’re taken at your word but you’ll maybe be asked “are you sure?”.

From what I’ve seen, others do consider it rude to show up unannounced but I personally don’t mind unexpected guests if it’s family or friends. Unannounced guests are welcome to me so long as they’re okay with me finishing what I’m doing if they show up when I’m busy

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Bluesnow2222@reddit

It does vary depending on the purpose of the gathering and your relationship with that person.

If I’m a guest visiting a friend I’ll be told to make myself at home. They might offer me something- but if I grab a drink or open snack they likely wouldn’t care. There’s a good chance their home isn’t perfectly clean. I sit wherever. I might be offered something fun or new she found out shopping—- like chocolate snacks from Costco she got on sale.

Not a scripts—- but if I refused something offer a casual response might be: “Are you sure? I can’t eat these all myself or I’ll gain weight!” They might remind me that if I change my mind to help myself. They also might send you home with leftovers.

Even with my close friend—- I only ever showed up unannounced once when she was going through rough patch because I couldn’t get ahold of her and I wanted to make sure she was safe. I had no expectation of her playing host- she let me in and I helped her with a few things. Invitations are normally informal and often unplanned till last minute.

If I’m visiting the home of someone I’m not close to it’s more likely they have to play the “host” to make me feel comfortable. They likely planned in advance and the house was probably cleaned. They’d offer a nice seat and drinks/food which may have specifically purchased for my visit. There’s also kind of rules as a guest you try and play like not staying too late or leaving to early, not talking politics or getting in arguments- and not eating too much or too little food, not making a mess or stinking up their bathroom if you can help it. These rules are less strict if you’re close.

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madii_mouse@reddit

I’m from the west coast and there are a few general rules that are followed here: - don’t show up unannounced (even if family) unless given specific permission otherwise - if invited over for a meal offer to bring some food too, normally a side - arrive at the exact time you’re told. Or if you’re given a time range (for example 7:00-7:30) the guests to genuinely mean anytime between then - if you’re not invited over to food, don’t expect to eat there (unless you’re family or very close) - offering something to drink or snack on is normal, but usually done either right away or part way though when the host is feeling hungry. Neither way is overtly wrong.

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SignificantTransient@reddit

Who even knows? It seems like everyone has different standards. When I visit family, it's a long trip and they already know I am coming. I never knock on my mom's or sister's door. It's unlocked and I just walk in.

My wife thinks this is absolutely insane.

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I would say it depends on where you are in the US. In the Midwest, you will be greeted at the door warmly, probably hugged by everyone in the family as they ask you, “how are ya?” Or “how ya doin?” This is a formality, and you usually say “doin good/can’t complain.”

Then, if it’s between November-April you ask where you can put your coat. Answers will vary by household. You almost always take your shoes off at the entry way. I know very few families who wear shoes indoors.

It’s customary for the host to offer everyone something to drink. If the guest says no, the host will usually ask them if they’re sure and then list everything they have to drink. If the guest says no again, then the host tells them, “if you change your mind, help yourself.” The host might ask the guest later on if they want anything to drink again, but we mean it when we say “help yourself.” The host usually will offer additional drinks as they see someone has finished theirs.

Then you do whatever activity you preplanned to do (such as dinner).

When the guest is ready to leave, the guest always says, “well I guess I/we better get going.” Then, you always have another entire conversation. Then the guest will say they “should get going/get headed home” and the host might say “oh you don’t have to run off so soon.” The guest and host might have another entire conversation at this time. After about 20 mins, the guest will finally leave, and the host walks them to the door and usually gives them a hug before they finally exit. The host will also most likely tell the guest to “drive safe and watch for deer” as they leave. This is because deer will randomly run into the road at night, causing accidents. It shows the guest you care about them.

As far as unannounced guests, it depends on a lot of factors. Ave and location are the big ones. My grandparents always had an open-door policy where anyone was welcome to stop by unannounced all day. When I was in college, living in university, I would sometimes stop by friend’s houses unannounced, and they would stop by mine too, but they were neighbors and very close friends. I find this very uncommon among anyone outside these examples. For the most part, people call or text before they go to someone else’s house.

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InvestigatorJaded261@reddit

The script is generally much less clear, and so (if the guest is a relative stranger) the whole situation is more prone to being awkward.

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Auroraborealus@reddit

I'm 50 years old. When I was growing up it was absolutely normal to drop in on friends and family if you were "in the neighborhood" and visitors were mostly welcome with open arms. Drinks were offered and snacks. My mom often kept something like a coffee cake or Danish around in case one of her friends dropped in for coffee.

People would visit for hours, chat, gossip and if dinner time came rolling around there was usually an offer to stay and eat.

Nowadays, I feel it is considered rude to just drop in without at least texting first. Most of the time, we make actual plans in advance before visiting someone.

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DrBlankslate@reddit

There is no script as you describe.

You do NOT show up unannounced. That's hellishly rude.

We don't pressure people to eat or drink beyond what they want to eat or drink. That's also considered rude.

ih8theeagles@reddit

It depends. I’m sure in Turkey it varies depending on location, guest, length of stay, host, etc. Same thing here. Ask whoever invited you if there’s anything you should know.

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TaskEmpty1233@reddit

If they're a good friend and we're really close. They know they can help themselves to whatever's in the fridge. If we're not as close but still friends I might offer something to them once or twice. If I don't like them they will have to ask.

America doesn't do tea like that. It's usually soda, alcohol or lemonade.

People I don't like only get tap water.

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superanth@reddit

It's similar in some homes. There's the first polite refusal, but then you say something like "Well if you insist".

For drinks, it usually goes "Want something to drink?" and the response is "Sure what do you have?" That puts less stress on the host to produce something specific. It can be coffee, tea, water, or anything bottled on-hand.

Unannounced visits are always looked down upon. If it's an emergency there are no rules, then can come right over, but otherwise there should be at least multiple weeks of fair warning before visiting.

Traditionally a guest should always thank the household with a gift, or in modern times at least making or taking the household out to dinner.

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cinder74@reddit

I live in the south of the US. We always offer food and drink to company. Tell them to take their shoes off and make themselves at home.

EyeCantSeeMyFeelings@reddit

Depends on what kind of guest you are. If you are a business acquaintance or someone whose never been to my place then yes it'll be formal and I will offer refreshments. Depends on the time of day you come as far as what is offered.

Lunchtime guests would probably get fried chicken, a vege tray, and bread with olive oil and spices. Dinner will get you barbecue in the summer or pasta in the winter.

Beverages in the summer will be sun tea or iced coffee. Wintertime I'd offer coffee, hot tea, or hot cocoa.

This is all very regional of course. I am in the upper Midwest in Michigan. We are a little weird as far as culinary style. We have so many different regional styles brought in by the folks that migrated from other states to work in the car industry in the last decade that it's not strange at all to see a fusion of standard Midwest, southern, Americanized-Polish, Italian, Mexican, and German in our diets.

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brielovinggirl@reddit

America is definitely not as hospitable and open as Türkiye, but it is more friendly and hospitable than nordic countries, Germany, UK, for example.

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LukewarmJortz@reddit

Depends on how people are raised but when people come over I'll put out snacks and offer some drinks.

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masoleumofhope@reddit

Worth noting that the US is very multicultural and a lot of people are semi-recent (1-2 generations ago) immigrants so these cultural backgrounds will heavily influence expectations for how they entertain guests.

I've seen this most consistently manifest in differences with how heavily the guests are encouraged to eat. For example, if I'm visiting anyone's home and they offer food, I've been taught that its very rude to say no regardless of fullness or level of interest in the item. This is a result of my family's cultural identity and the communities I grew up around. If they are a friend or maybe a similar age to me, then I could turn it down.

I would never show up unannounced; it's rude. Maybe if it's an emergency and they are close family or a very close friend?

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porcelaincatstatue@reddit

If someone shows up unannounced, I'm going to be pissed and have an anxiety attack. It's considered extremely rude. You're interrupting someone's day/plans and expecting them to perform as host on the spot.

When I lived back home and owned a house with my ex, even my parents knew damn well to give me a few days notice, or if they couldn't be that polite, 2 hour notice and they had to deal with me being stressed out. When he'd have people over without notice, it wasn't unlikely that I'd have a meltdown from anxiety.

Now that I'm in my own apartment, halfway across the country, I don't have to worry. Company only comes over when I invite them. Then, of course, it's offering whatever refreshments I have and snacks, then awkwardness because I hate hosting. Oh, and always having to politely say "obviously you need to take your fucking shoes off, do you not see my shoe pile by the door??"

LilacOn_Green57934@reddit

I live in the mid-Atlantic. If you are invited guest, hospitality is definitely something you can expect. The place will be clean, I’ll serve a variety of food and drink options (healthy and not), and most of my guests are probably here to talk or play games for a couple hours. If someone needs to spend the night, I’ve prepared a bed just in case. Casual drop ins are very rare now compared to 30 years ago, and only a very few close friends or family would ever do that to me (they know how busy my schedule is). Strangers are not welcome at all; I wouldn’t consider it safe to allow anyone I don’t have connection with into my home.

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gonzalj85@reddit

If you’re in the south, there’s a good chance you’ll be invited to the next meal or offered leftovers if you show up shortly after the most recent meal.

My family always offers a drink, and usually will invite close friends/family to stay for a meal

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Next_Professor9220@reddit

In Illinois or Michigan we don't really ask. If you're over for a while, I'm chucking cheeseburgers and slapping Budweisers at you.

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trafficpylonfarmer@reddit

My experience is that people will tell you to stop by anytime or that you should meet up when they are around. This is not to be taken literally; you do not show up unannounced. Make advance plans, call ahead, text, anything. Many people are simply too busy and not really able to take on house guests without some notice.

The traditional notion is that "you never visit empty handed" when visiting. Being a guest means bringing something. Could be something to share or a gift for the host to enjoy later. Even if told nothing is needed, something is brought. Excess items brought to share are never taken home. Serious hosts will notice these.

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ConcertinaTerpsichor@reddit

Who is the someone? A stranger? How do I know them? Am I being introduced to them for the first or second time?

Of course I would offer coffee or tea, along with a cookie. I might hang up their coat. I might offer again if the first offer is refused

If I’m hosting a lot of people, usually they will bring food so I add it to the table if it fits with the food I’m already serving. I’ll offer them drinks, etc. No pressure on anyone to eat or drink.

Showing up unannounced — if you are a stranger I won’t let you in, if you are a neighbor, I will assume you have something to discuss (but probably we would text first), and if you’re a friend I will let you in but will expect that you have a problem and need help.

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I had guests over yesterday. Their visit was planned, and they arrived mid-afternoon. I offered drinks, they eventually accepted water. I offered snacks, and after a few offerings they had some snacks. I offered dinner, and they left for an hour and returned at dinner time. They ate, then were offered a second helping which they ate, then I served dessert, they ate that, then drinks, which they declined and they left a short while later, at a reasonable hour. It was perfect!

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Numerous-Recover-227@reddit

*knee slaps
"Whelp!"
-Signal it's time to head out

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MotherofPuppos@reddit

I will typically offer a drink when someone comes in and have snacks out if I know people are coming over to hang out. I will offer again if I need to get up for anything myself or if I see someone has an empty glass (I would rather die than go through someone else’s fridge).

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HR_King@reddit

It varies, very, very, very widely.

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sean8877@reddit

Don't try to force feed people who say no, if we don't want something we'll just say no. It gets annoying if the host keeps offering. Americans are probably more direct than what you are used to and if they say no then leave it at that.
Also, don't show up unannounced at someone's house, that really sucks and will probably piss someone off. We usually text or whatever first and ask when is a good time to stop by.

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Syndromia@reddit

I'm in the American midwest. I wouldnt hesitate to walk up and chat with a friend or neighbor if they were outside and am delighted when friends and neighbors do that to me. About half the time this results in an invitation in for a time appropriate drink and half the time one or both of us are too busy. But Id never just knock on the door of someone I dont know really well. My boyfriend might come home from work and find me on the couch and before Mom and I got a condo together we'd just let ourselves in the others place. I usually text my sister before I drop in but its usually an INCOMING! text so she can keep the dog from waking the baby when I come, not a request.

With invited guests I always have a variety of snacks and drinks. My bffs get offered what Im getting myself and know the fridge and pantry are theirs for the taking. If a guest turns down an offer Ill say something along the lines of, "are you sure?" or, "no? Could I get you something else then? rattles off available options" and I tend to keep drinks I know my usual suspects like. Theres always a few dr pepper zeros for my downstairs neighbor, mountain dew zeros for my old boss turned friend, iced teas for my sisters and fella, etc.

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Just_curious4567@reddit

It will vary depending on the region you’re in, how affluent (or not) your host is, and how they were raised to treat guests. And it will depend on what kind of gathering it is. There really isn’t a script. If you visit someone’s tiny apartment in NYC it’ll probably be different from visiting someone’s 5 bedroom house in Charleston, SC.

The country is very divided… on whether or not guests can wear shoes in the house.

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sr1sws@reddit

There is no common script. If you're just visiting for a few hours, then offering something to drink and/or a snack is common. If you're an overnight guest, being shown to the guest room and then offering a drink... it really all depends on who, what, when and why.

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dotdedo@reddit

If I was having guests over, I would get a snack board. Mostly crackers, cheese, deli meats and cheese. Then as they settled in offer something like lunch or dinner.

My family, we don't even really know why, but when we have guests over we end up having coffee after dinner too.

Showing up unexpected can depend on the person. But if you do have a unexpected visit its polite to not linger too long.

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Riker_Omega_Three@reddit

Showing up unannounced is not something that is generally done anymore

in the age of instant communication, dropping in is just rude

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lalachef@reddit

The US is not a monolith and many different people brought their cultural norms with them from their home country.

Our country is huge and takes more than an entire day to drive across. As you drive, you will notice the architecture change, the kinds of cars people drive. Different chain businesses/restaurants. The scenery will change several times, and so will the people. We have southern hospitality, Midwest nice and everything in-between. Including New York rude. There's no universal script, it just depends on how people were raised.

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hahahahthunk@reddit

Advance notice is needed but not if you both have kids who play together. We have half the neighborhood barge in our house. Then when parents come looking for them we invite them in. Then we have a whole crowd for at least an hour.

No, our house is not spotless. No one seems to mind.

Everyone will take a glass of water or soda. But if you offer food, that is seen as a reminder that it’s dinner time and most people evaporate. Except for the ones that stay for dinner 😃

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ComePlatano@reddit

I think it really depends on where you are and the person’s background.

I’m from NYC and Latina, so when we have guests, we go into full “super host” mode. That said, the New Yorker in me balances it out. I’ll offer once: “Do you want something?” Usually it’s coffee. If it’s around mealtime, I’m absolutely offering food.

If you say no, that’s it. I’m not asking again. Just let me know or grab it yourself if you change your mind. I’m not circling back five minutes later like “are you suuuure?” lol.

As for unexpected guests, that basically never happens to me. Maybe back in the day before everyone had phones, but now? Not really. If someone did show up randomly, I wouldn’t go all out the same way since I wasn’t prepared, but I’d still be polite and offer something.

That said, unexpected guests are usually people I know well, so I’m definitely hitting them with a “and you didn’t text or call me first cause?” 😅

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Important_Canary6766@reddit

I don't keep the kinds of food around that one would typically offer an unexpected guest so if you show up at my house and expect food you're going to be offered a protein bar and a glass of water, sorry! I can make tea, don't have coffee.

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WellWellWellthennow@reddit

There are different types of being a Guest. There's the neighbor, the friend who drops by, the friend who is invited and planned in advance to come, the House guest, who stays with you several days, and family who visits including family parties.

It depends on your relationship but usually it's considered polite to check with them first even if it's spontaneous or last minute you would call them or text them and ask if they're free and a good time if you dropped by. They will usually say yes or I'm not home.

This is not only considerate for them to let them know to expect you, but also for you as the visitor who doesn't want to travel out of the way there if they're not going to be home or if they're in the middle of a project that we might interrupt.

Neighbors are a little different. I have a good neighbor friend that if we go for a walk past each other's house we may knock on the door. Other neighbors may stop to talk if they see you outside.

There is no ritual other than it's polite to offer a guest something to drink. What that is can vary by what you have to offer and what time of day it is. It could be a coffee or tea, water, or lemonade or iced tea, soda, wine or beer - we will usually offer you a choice etc. if we were planning to eat a meal and you're there we would invite you to eat with us whatever we're having. If you were invited in advance for meal, we would plan it around what we know you like.

Beyond that there's no other formal expectation for a spontaneous visit. If it is planned in advance, however, we would have coffee or tea or your favorite drink ready, and either a snack or a meal to offer you depending on what time of day it is. That could be anything. A dessert, an appetizer, a charcuterie board.

We have a boat so all summer our company comes to go boating. If it's the first time we provide everything - food drinks etc. If they come often them, they will often contribute and bring food and drinks.

If it's a family party usually the host provides a skeleton menu - meat or a main dish, marine one side dish, a dessert and drinks, appetizer, land everyone else usually brings a side dish like a salad or dessert and maybe their favorite alcohol to share too - and then there's lots of food.

From someone traveling and staying with you, you first offer them something to drink, you show them their room and their bathroom and towels, show them the kitchen where most the important things are kept like how to get themselves a glass of water or make coffee or tea, and tell them to help themselves and to feel free like they are at home.

In advance, you may have asked them what type of foods they like and you would have shopped and had it there already or you could offer to take them shopping within the first day or two and have them pick out foods that they like.

Then you will typically have breakfast ready for them each morning including the coffee and tea and food when they wake up, you may either ask them what time they would like or need to wake up or tell them what time breakfast will be based upon your own needs. Or you may announce the night before that for tomorrow's breakfast everyone will serve themself when they are ready and show them the breakfast choices and where they are.

Other meals are a matter of communication. If they will be gone or what the plan is for that day, whether they will be eating with you together at home or whether they will be eating when they're out.

As a guest they will typically treat you to a nice restaurant meal near the end of their stay or offer to make you a meal to show you their food at some point during their stay.

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yossariandawn@reddit

It's probably going to be different in different parts of the country, but for the most part offering a drink early on is pretty normal where I live. Normally a cold beverage though - water, pop, cold tea - instead of coffee or hot tea.

Americans don't drink hot tea and coffee as often throughout the day as some other countries do. It's more of a early morning / evening thing, unless you are serving a dessert like pie for example.

Possibly a snack if it's a longer visit, but I would be surprised to be offered snacks for a short visit.

Definitely expected to offer a meal though, if someone is visiting around a meal time.

I wouldn't enjoy having to say no repeatedly, but that might be a personal thing. It would feel less like a host being very polite, and more like someone being pushy. I don't notice that happening often though, and I take someone's word for it if they say no the first time. I might check in later to see if they've changed their mind, but not assume that they only said no to be polite in the first place. Curious what other Americans have to say on that part of your question!

The lemon cologne thing is very interesting! I had noticed that in some Turkish dizis I've seen, and always wondered what that was, and why it was happening. Is it considered rude to refuse that? Thank you for clearing that up!

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Axxtr@reddit (OP)

You can refuse cologne, there is a slight change the host wouldn't like the refusal:) let me tell you sth more interesting, if there is a child some older folks might pour the cologne,even without asking, to their hair instead of hands, I haven't seen a child who liked this up to now:))

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yossariandawn@reddit

That is very interesting! Haha, I can understand why a kid wouldn't be a fan of that. It is for scent reasons on the hair? Some people were saying it helped moisturize your hands too, that it's not really perfume like we would can cologne in America.

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In the US it is customary to bring something; a bottle of wine, dessert, something for the table.

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Smolmanth@reddit

It can be a bit rude to turn down food completely to most Americans. Not that you need to always eat something or have a drink, but it can be seen as the host not being able to provide for the guest or the guest being too good for what they have.

There are very few hard and fast rules, but if you walk in the front and shoes are lined up by the door, take yours off.

I generally feel comfortable helping myself to something if someone goes out of their way to show me things I could have. Other people may feel differently.

Pretty rude to just show up unless you live next door.

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Exactly! A good friend of mine had her sister-in-law’s whole family show up with no warning on Thanksgiving (can’t remember if it was day of or just over the holiday weekend). They live a good two hours away. That’s just a whole different level of rude.

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nauticalfiesta@reddit

And depending on who it is, I will stare at you through my front window until you go away.

Northeast here. We'll offer some kind of beverage, and if you say no we won't press, but the offer is open in case you decide a bit later. We might mention it again at some point, but that's mostly to make sure you're still good, and/or because we're about to get one for ourselves, and don't want to be rude about it.

We'll generally make sure there's enough food if you're there for a meal, and will encourage you to eat more if you look like you're hungry, but most of us won't push you to eat more. Granted, if its a special occasion or you're in the home of specific ethnicities, the rules change a bit. Italian and Latino households almost pride themselves when it comes to feasting their guests.

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Ketzer_Jefe@reddit

in the US, when someone comes over you greet them and catch up for about 5 or 10 minutes. That is around the time the host will offer the guest food or drink. offering it too soon makes the guest feel rushed. offering it too late will make the guest feel neglected. there is a right ammount of time to pass that allows everyone to settle in and get comfortable.

When we offer stuff, and the guest declines, we will usually ask "are you sure you don't want anything?" If they do, we get it for them and share a drink or snack with the guest. if they don't then about a half hour or so later (it really depends on how long the visit is) we will offer again. but closeness to eachother and length of visit play a role as well.

It is incredibly impolite to show up uninvited to someone's house. they may have plans already and you showing up ruins them. now this changes if the host says "Im around all weekend, come over if you like." it is an open invitation, but contact them just before you leave to come over.

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Push_the_button_Max@reddit

Honestly, I think it has to do with the area of the U.S. you’re visiting, adding also, the micro-chasm of the original immigrant settlements in the area.

In the bustling big cities in the Northeast, like Boston, NYC, and New Jersey, etc., people value your TIME…..

That’s a reason why they’re so direct- the ultimate form of politeness is to NOT waste YOUR time. So they say EXACTLY what they mean so any exchange goes quickly.

Which sounds abrupt to people in much warmer climates, where the humidity is so oppressive, everybody slows down. Chitchat is encouraged, it makes the time pass too.

Just some thoughts.

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You seem very hospitable. I agree, offer them a snack and something to drink. That could mean coffee or tea. I'll offer whatever we have on hand (though I'll try to find out what you like before hand). Maybe that is fresh fruit or a baked something.

Generally a good host will offer meals, but if the guest doesn't wish for seconds, don't push. No means no in all areas.

Showing up unnanounced is definitely considered rude. I have exactly one friend that I feel comfortable letting in my home without making a big show of things. When you show up unnanounced, you run the risk of seeing mess or us not making or even having time for you. Make an appointment please.

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Educational-Piece-18@reddit

There are so many variables, biggest one is who is the guest, and are they someone I truly am happy to have over, or does it feel like an obligation.

Typically, for all, I'd offer a beer or water. If they are there for a meal time, I make steaks with a veggie or frozen pizza. I'm not putting a whole lot of effort into cooking. I'm not big into hosting, so if someone's a guest, they get to do whatever I'm already doing that day, whether its a house project, or just watching movies. The majority of my guests are at least over night or there longer, so I have a spare car for the ones that travel (live in Alaska, so most that visit fly in) to me in case they want to do their own thing. A spare bed is always available for even the guests that live close in case we drink or weather is shit. For the guests that fly in to spend time with me, they get to help with house projects (bought a different house recently and my time off will go to the house for the next year or so) but I'll also take some time off to take them to experience some Alaska nature and sights.

I do not welcome in guests that stop by without notice, unless there's a decent reason, like going through a mental health struggle or phone broke and they don't have my number anymore. I don't really associate with anyone that would stop by unannounced or would be okay with others doing that to them, so it's almost never something that happens.

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Dyingforcolor@reddit

there concept of 'posada' but it's traditionally done for Christmas night or when feasting.

I will ask them if they'd like anything to drink and probably have coffee, tea, wine, and soda as options.

If they decline, I will accept that they don't want anything, and might comment, if you change your mind, here's what's available.

I will have hors d'oeuvres available, probably meats, cheeses, and fruits. They will take the items they want on a small plate.

If it's the first time they've been over, or if it's a special occasion, they might bring a gift of wine, flowers, nuts, or something like that.

If they're good friends or relatives or neighbors, and they need to drop by for some reason without an invitation, unless it's an absolute dire emergency they will text first, get my okay, and then drop in. If I hardly know them, they won't drop by.

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dobbydisneyfan@reddit

Heavily depends on the context. Like who the guest is. What the occasion is. Where we both are etc

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Life-Tackle-4777@reddit

Unannounced is different for individuals. I don’t like it. The older I get the less I like it. I’ve actually showed up unannounced once to a friends and they were having sex on the couch and you could see them through the open front windows just standing on the porch. I left. So never unannounced after that. I offer water, drinks, beer. Snacks. If they say no I pour a water and tell them if they change their mind help themselves. Make themselves at home. Most people just chill and chat or we plan to go somewhere.

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QualityOfMercy@reddit

Hosting a guest: offer to take their coat and hang it up, offer food/beverages/whatever, generally tell them to make themselves at home

Being a guest: take up as little space as possible, don’t take too much food/beverage (if you take any at all), don’t impose on your hosts, be on your best behavior, do NOT make yourself at home

Yes, when put together these things do not make sense. That’s how we roll.

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ShesGotaChicken2Ride@reddit

We Americans like to talk, so after you’ve been invited in, they will exchange pleasantries like, “Hi. How have you been? How’s the wife? How’s the kids?” After a short while, they’ll offer what they have. “Do you want something to drink? I have bottled water, Gatorade, VitaminWater, or lemonade?” If you say no, then they’ll likely take you at your word and may add a “well the drinks are in the fridge if you change your mind.” I personally don’t like when people show up unannounced. I like to make sure my house is clean and tidy before having company and if someone showed up and my house was a mess I’d be mortified.

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Flayrah4Life@reddit

I am fascinated by the notion that I would visit someone and they would offer me complimentary cologne.

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ILoveFent1@reddit

A lot of Americans see it as polite to accept the gift when offered, so if you politely decline then they’ll just assume you really didn’t want it.

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Fit-Building-2560@reddit

I think some of the customs are regional, in the US. On the West Coast and Southwest, when someone drops in (yes, that is still done to some extent, depending on the people involved. More common for young people. Some retired people don't mind drop-in guests, either), food is not served. Not automatically, unlike, say, Eastern Europe, where the first thing is to offer tea and a small snack, at least. Cheese and bread, or something.

Actually, the whole custom of "going visiting" has been lost in some parts of the US, due to the emphasis now of interacting with friends and strangers online. I think it's too bad; one looses something of the human element, when you introduce the computer as the medium.

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trustme1maDR@reddit

The usual script is to take their coat or bag if they have them, or show where they can be stored. Then you offer them to "have a seat" usually in the living room and ask if they would like something to drink. The drink depends on the person and the time of day. (Coffee in the morning, alcoholic beverage if it's the evening, always water, iced tea if you are in the South). If they are very close, you might even say, "help yourself" or "make yourself at home" to indicate they can go in the kitchen and serve themselves a beverage.

The guest usually needs to be invited, but if you are very close, they might send you a text saying, "hey, do you mind if I drop by?" They wouldn't be offended if you said, "sorry, now isn't a good time."

If it's a party, the guest doesn't show up at the time stated on the invitation. The rule is "fashionably late." Could be anywhere from 30 minutes to a hour late (in some American subcultures, even longer). It's always considered rude to show up early.

If you live some place where it snows, you can ask the guest to take their boots off in the entryway so they don't track snow and salt into your home.

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Bluemonogi@reddit

Ix_fromBetelgeuse7@reddit

If you offer a guest something and they say no thanks, then it would be rude to press the issue. You accept the first no. But sometimes people do the "polite no" thing so one followup can be permitted, but not more.

What you offer to guests as far as hospitality is really going to vary depending on the reason for the visit, but minimum would typically be beverages like water, coffee or tea, and making sure they know where the bathroom is.

It would be very rude for a guest to ask for something that isn't being offered or even worse, to start poking around your pantry and helping themselves.

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ElPadero@reddit

It depends.

The United States is a multicultural country.

So the procedure depends highly on the cultural background of the family.

For my family which has a Central American background, close family can show up unannounced. Coffee is usually offered, or tortillas are made.

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Illustrious-Art-7465@reddit

I would say the initial script is pretty similar. I would welcome someone in, ask if I can get them anything to drink, if they say no I would probably ask are you sure I have x y z drinks to offer

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rayoflight110@reddit

Really interesting read, as a Brit we are so similar to Americans in this regard. There's no phoney rituals.

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hrdbeinggreen@reddit

Do not show up unannounced!

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_Johnny_Fappleseed@reddit

I'm sure someone's already said this, but the United States is a really mixed group with all sorts of different cultural norms in so many different spaces, and that includes visiting other people's houses. My French friends growing up had neat homes and we always took our shoes off but no one ever offered food or drink. We were mostly ignored. In other houses we left our shoes on but might be asked to stay for dinner, but depending on tone could just be politeness and you'd be overstepping by accepting. Where I live there's lots of different norms and some people really want you to stay for hours (Greeks come to mind). To answer your question, showing up unannounced used to be very normal among some friends and within some families, but that's becoming less and less popular.

It can be maddening, because not everyone operates with low context or acts like a "typical American" and comes right out with what they mean or want. When we hosted not long ago there was an unbelievable amount of miscommunication with our guests that made the whole experience difficult, but I acknowledge they must have had good intentions. A day before they left to come visit they clarified that they would *not* be staying in a hotel but expected us and another friend to accommodate them, which was news to us (and totally not a thing culturally for my spouse or I except among family). Besides that they helped themselves to pretty much anything they wanted, but also tried to do a lot of different chores as well. It was way too intimate, too familial, way too fast for us. Like they were siblings or cousins.

So I'd really just summarize by saying I think most people don't actually realize they have a script (or just vestiges of immigrant cultural script) and a lot of miscommunications can arise from that, since being American is so unbelievably varied. We also struggle to learn and implement boundaries (or respect the boundaries of others without getting offended) so that can be hard, but I think it's improving.

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JadeChipmunk@reddit

My husband is Turkish and I'm American so I understand what you're talking about. There are a lot of the same rituals but not necessarily so specific. We offer drinks, snacks, etc. Americans don't do kolonya. Unannounced guests can be rude depending on who and what the situation is. It's rude to keep asking if they want something after people say no though. Maybe a couple times like "you sure you don't want anything?" but after that it's definitely rude to push it.

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Pale_Space_4144@reddit

Depends on who's stopping by. A close friend: come on in, would you like something to drink? A snack? We're about to have dinner, would you like to stay and eat? A family member: panic cleaning, "why didn't they call first?", I can feel them silently judging me for something a miss. It's stressful and considered rude. Not the kind of rude you say anything about, the kind you just wish didn't happen. But you still offer the beverage, food, etc. Strangers or loose acquaintances: we can talk on the front porch, you probably aren't coming in. If I do invite you in I'll offer the beverage. An invited guest: house cleaned, food and drinks on standby, entertainment (music, movie, games, etc), a bed with cleans linens, and so on. Red carpet experience.

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Maleficent_Scale_296@reddit

If you’re an invited guest you arrive on time but never early. You bring flowers for the hostess and it is acceptable to bring a bottle of wine. You’ll be asked to sit and offered a drink, usually coffee or tea, if it is evening you might be offered alcohol but something less formal like an outdoor barbecue you could be offered beer or soda.

There's almost always some sort of offering, depending on who the person is. Beer or some other enjoyable drink. If guests would be missing a meal because they're there, you offer something, usually the best of what you have. Guests may also be expected to provide something.

If not food/drink, you're usually providing some other entertainment.

This is all highly dependent on who's coming. If it's my closest friends, they can show up unannounced, but it's because I'm not expected to go out of my way for them at all. But if I'm inviting multiple people over to all socialize they'd be expecting a comfortable/entertaining experience to be provided.

If a neighbor or colleague or something they will often leave with a gift (I have a bigger garden than most people around me, so I'll offer people who come over my extra produce).

FYI this is in New England, which is considered one of the least hospitable places in the USA.

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Cici1958@reddit

The US is so large, it depends on the region and how the person was raised. I would (depending on how well I know you) ask you to sit down either in the living room or the dining area, get you something to drink, ask if you were hungry, offer to show you around the house if you’d never been there before and apologize for the mess.

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Kossyra@reddit

There's too much of a cultural mishmash here to really have an expectation of what being a guest is like.

Some households, you'll see some very similar rituals that you described. "Southern hospitality" has been a huge point of pride for many traditional southern families. You'll be ushered in, offered a beverage (alcoholic or not, any time of day), and often be expected to stay for a meal or sweets. Many southern homes will have some kind of homemade cake or pastry that you can expect a slice of even if you visit at a non-mealtime.

Other households are more relaxed, they'll just let you in and want you to make yourself comfortable. They'll offer you access to their pantry and fridge for anything you'd like to grab. This is the kind of house I grew up in, and while I think it felt welcoming I also think it may have been confusing for some people.

Some households don't like having visitors at all and that's seen as a valid though somewhat reclusive thing. A not insignificant portion of Americans live in studio apartments or rent a room so visitors would essentially be in their bedroom. Others are just very private.

gutclutterminor@reddit

Quick take. Unannounced is rude. A drink of any kind is usually offered. Beer is the most common for men who drink alcohol.

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Outrageous_Chart_35@reddit

We don't really have a script like that. How someone handles people in their home varies widely based on the individual, your closeness to them, the size of the home, wealth, etc. In almost all instances it's less formal than what you've described. In particular, if a host offers you something and you say no, that's usually the end of it.

Showing up unannounced is usually rude, unless you have the privilege of time and space to have a clean receiving area at all times (and even then, it's frowned upon because it's so easy to call or text ahead).

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AtomikPhysheStiks@reddit

I have a decoration on my house that says, "Go Away" because its my house. Its where I go to recharge and get away from the other people. If I bring someone into my home its a sign of immense trust and that I want to see them. Strangers get stared at through my ring camera for a few seconds before I get bored and go back to doing whatever it is I was doing.

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JoeMorgue@reddit

We don't have cultural rules for everything we do in America that we all follow.

99% of questions here fail because they don't understand that.

Here's what we do. We treat our guest how they want to be treated, we don't follow a script "Mah Culture" handed down to us.

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Similar-Breadfruit50@reddit

Your last paragraph was unnecessarily rude.

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Financial-Sweet-4648@reddit

Why?

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Similar-Breadfruit50@reddit

“”Muh culture” handed down to us” Seriously, don’t act like a rude American. They’re asking a question.

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JoeMorgue@reddit

Again... spare me.

3) if an American family cooks for you then you’re pretty much already a beloved guest. Americans cook home meals when they want to welcome guest even more so then just having them as company. But we shouldn’t discount them taking you to a favorite eatery. In the course of your stay in sure they’re going to want to visit a nice restaurant and bring you along.

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Middle aged in the Midwest: I have a short list of people who are welcome to pop in unannounced, but usually we'll have set plans. I'll ask in advance about food and pet allergies. The closer the friend, the more likely and welcome they are to be late. They'll ask if it's a shoes on or off house. They might bring dessert if we're having a meal together, or alcohol or flowers regardless. I offer them a drink (alcohol or non alcohol, hot or cold...I have a lot of friends so I keep a lot of variety on hand). If we're not having a meal, I'll either put out snacks or ask if they've eaten and I generally have a few food options to offer if they haven't. If I know they're cannabis users I'll offer that. If the weather's nice I'll ask if they want to sit inside or outside. I'll monitor my dog and if they're not "dog people" I'll keep him next to me (he's sweet and very affectionate but that's not for everyone!).

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frisky_husky@reddit

The US tends to be a low-script culture, because we place a very high social value on interpersonal authenticity. This means that there isn't an exact sequence of events that we expect to be welcomed with, BUT the flip side is that this means the burden is on the host to demonstrate their hospitality in a way that seems personal and authentic. It does not in any way mean that Americans don't expect to be treated a certain way when we visit someone, just that there is no universal ritual. For Americans in 2026, there is no expectation that someone will actually be at the house if you show up, so arriving unannounced and expecting hospitality would be generally rude, though knocking on the door if you're in the neighborhood wouldn't be. In such a case, you wouldn't expect to be invited in to stay a while.

Typically, you would invite someone to take off their coat/shows, and are expected to offer a guest something to eat or drink like coffee or tea (water or a soft drink at the very least), or maybe an alcoholic drink (if it's later in the day) sooner rather than later. If someone is coming over for a meal (this would generally be planned at least a little bit ahead) then it's generally considered polite to put out something to snack on before the main meal is ready so your guests don't stay hungry. It's often polite for the guest to offer to bring something like that.

Otherwise, it really depends on how well you know the person. A lot of the people who come to my house are people I've lived with before--my sister or close friends who used to be my roommates. With them, there are no boundaries and few expectations. If it's a planned event, then things are a little more structured, and it's polite for guests to bring a bottle of wine, some beer, or something small to eat before/after the main meal.

In times before cell phones, it was much more expected that the housewife/housekeeper (and middle class women would've generally worked in the home at this point) would have something like a cake or baked sweet to offer an unexpected house guest, since if you wanted to see your friends your best option was just to drop by. My grandmothers ALWAYS had cookies or something at home. If you look at old cookbooks from the US or Canada, there is a whole genre of baked good often called a "pastor cake" or something like that. This was a simple cake that you could throw together in the time between when you saw the pastor of your church coming down the road, and when you would be expected to invite him inside for a cup of coffee and something to eat. Those were more formal times, and I don't think most Americans these days, even those who know their pastors, are prepared for drop-in visits.

Whether or not you are expected to refuse politely before accepting something is a little context-specific, and has a lot to do with whether you initiated or them. It's so ingrained that a lot of people don't even realize they do it.

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BeerHops_DoesntRun@reddit

I was raised in Saudi Arabia and therefore have been taught to always have a variety of drinks in hand in the home for guests. We don’t drink soda but always have it. I love coffee and tea, so you can expect that or bottled water every time. However, I did learn a majority of American hospitality doesn’t revolve around food or drinks. If I say no to something, they usually won’t offer again.

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Groftsan@reddit

Americans don't like rules. If you tell me what I'm SUPPOSED to do when a friend comes over, I'll tell you to kindly fuck yourself. I ask my friends what they need or want when they're over and tailor what I provide to the person in my house, not some social norm.

Also, if someone tells me "no" to something I offer them, I believe them. I don't find lying to be polite.

And, yes, big tables and eating are a normal part of American culture too.

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MezzanineSoprano@reddit

Do not show up unannounced, it is considered as very rude by most Americans.

Guests are treated various ways depending on the part of the USA, the economic status of the host, the cultural background of the host and other variables.

I live in the Midwest USA, and I would normally offer coffee or tea and maybe cookies to guests during a short afternoon visit. In the evening, I might offer wine, cheese & crackers. Especially in small towns or rural areas, it is common to offer more than once in case the guest feels hesitant but really wants the refreshment.

If invited for a meal, I would offer salad, a main course, potatoes/pasta or rice, a cooked vegetable & dessert plus coffee.

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mildchicanery@reddit

These customs vary widely based on region, ethnic background, and class. For example, my family is Mexican-American and were very poor. Showing up unannounced was very common when I was a child. People would just pop by, sometimes they'd just walk in, especially if they were close family. There is/was a presumption that you didn't really deny anything to family (food, drink, a bed to sleep in) unless you're physically unable to provide it. I'm in a much different economic class and away from my family so these norms have not held at all (also, boundaries!).

Guests are absolutely offered any wide range of beverages and if we know they're staying to dinner, I will try to add some pizzaz like crudites or dessert, which we normally don't do. I would never pressure my guests to eat more than they are comfortable eating but I might be privately somewhat offended if they didn't eat anything or only ate a tiny bit.

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Direct_Library_6171@reddit

The honest truth is that home visits have declined immensely in the US since Covid. If someone randomly knocks on your door, it is probably someone soliciting for a business, and even that is increasingly rare as the internet kind of killed door to door sales.

Nowadays, the only time someone would be a guest in your home would probably be a family member or close friend whom would give you ample notice and time to clean or prepare. There no random “pop ins” with courtesy.

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kae0603@reddit

Growing up dropping in happened at the time. We would offer tea or coffee and she usually had a ‘nice’ cookies hidden somewhere. Today, no one but family drops in.

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Superman9185@reddit

There are a lot of different cultures throughout the u.s. and the script is going to be different. Regionally speaking also plays a difference.

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Hikinghawk@reddit

Confusion as to how the shower works is pretty ubiquitous I feel

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DamnItDinkles@reddit

The question is, what kind of guest. Are you a close friend? Or a new friend/acquaintance?

Anyone who is a close, long term friend is treated like family. You can come in unannounced. Our front door is unlocked and mostly they walk right in. Act like our house is your house. Help yourself to food and drinks. Come hang out. In these scenarios, we're not "entertaining" these friends. We can do what we were doing without needing to drop everything and cater to them. They can get their own stuff and make themselves comfortable.

This doesn't work so much with newer friends or acquaintances. It would be rude for them to come by unannounced, let alone just walk in. They don't know our house and our routines and where everything is so we would need to get them drinks or snacks and likely be expected to entertain them and give them our undivided attention.

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Minute-Frame-8060@reddit

If I'm not expecting you I might ignore your knocking. Don't show up unannounced and expect hospitality.

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Zizi_Tennenbaum@reddit

It's extremely regional. Here in Texas you'll immediately be offered a hot or cold drink depending on the weather. The host takes great pride in cleaning and tidying their home; it's polite for a guest to compliment the house and décor. The guest will be offered some kind of light snack or appetizer and usually encouraged to stay for the next meal. Some people still do the push-pull of offereing and refusing, but since we're a very diverse country, Americans tend to be cognizant of different eating habits and won't push too hard if refused.

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Successful-Safety858@reddit

People are correct its usually rude to show up without prior plans where i live too. Some situations where in my location when it would be fine: they are on a porch/yard, its normal to just stop by and hang without plans. Also if you are bringing something without intention of staying its normal. Like returning a pan or bringing over something you baked.

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Remarkable_Pie_1353@reddit

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TokyoDrifblim@reddit

It's very normal to offer someone something to drink if they're staying for more than a few minutes, although usually that just means a glass of water. If they say "no thanks" you wouldn't ask again, they actually mean no. Outside of that there's not too much that is "pre-written" but showing up with no notice is definitely rude unless you've told that person explicitly to do that any time.

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BoringPrinciple2542@reddit

I’d consider showing up unannounced rude but generally acceptable. There is an expectation that you give notice that you are coming over so that the host can prepare. If nothing is urgent I expect at least a brief call or text 15 minutes prior that you are headed my way.

But at that same time, if you showed up unannounced I’d generally assume that there is good reason and ask if everything was alright before getting offended.

Tea and coffee are usually offered here as well although the tea is expected to be cold and sweet which is a bit different. Food is always either: offered, the guest is told when the next meal will be ready, or an apology is made for not having anything ready so that the visitor can say that they just ate anyways.

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mykepagan@reddit

It varies person to person.

I have a best friend who comes over unannounced and unplanned fairly often. I wonder how jany times he has come over when we are out of the house. I don’t go to his house unannounced because I don’t want to knock on his door only to find nobody home.

Speaking of knocking on the door… this guy just comes straight in. THAT would be considered extremely rude but I make an exception for this friend. We call him “The Kramer” after the Seinfeld Show character who did that. Weirdly, he’s not the first guy I’ve known who did that.

I would offer food or drink if the visit happened at food or drink times. If I get a visitor at jealtime they would be invited to sit down and have food. From 7 am to 11 am you would be offered coffee. From 8 pm on you would be offered an alcoholic drink.

We do not keep cookies or other sweets around the house because I try to avoid snacks so we just don’t have any ready to offer. I you call ahead and plan a visit I usually prepare a snack, but it’s typically cheese & crackers.

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BooksNCatsNWineNSnax@reddit

Like others have said, most of us don’t like people dropping in unannounced. When people do come over, the script can depend on who they are, and why they’re there. We do tend to offer a drink, at least. If it’s someone you know very well, it might be all right for them to just go to the kitchen and help themselves to whatever.

It’s common, but not universal, to want people coming into your house to take off their shoes. I tend to look for a basket or spot by the door where shoes are, and if it isn’t clear, I’ll ask.

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Ryan1869@reddit

There really isn't any standard here, or expectation. You might be offered a drink or adult beverage if they were invited to just visit. A lot of times a meal is part of the invitation.

It would be rude to show up unannounced and is really just reserved for kind of sudden things. Really in modern days those kinds of things usually end up in just a "hey, can you toss my kid's ball back over the fence" text.

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bit_shuffle@reddit

In Mediterranean-American households, the rules from the old world still apply. When you enter, there are the offers of food, coffee, beverages, etc. The actual thing offered depends on what's at hand. That is not a universal American thing, however.

Showing up unannounced is not so common among people who are unfamiliar with each other. You would do that with longtime friends only, or if you were accompanying a family member to the home.

Sometimes, on Christmas especially, longtime friends may drop house gifts off on your porch unannounced, like food items or greeting cards, but that doesn't mean they're necessarily going to enter the house and have a sit-down for coffee. Of course, it is good to call ahead and see if they are there to pick it up promptly.

There's an old expression "Good fences make good neighbors." We keep the people we live closest to at a bit of a distance, so it is easier to just be polite and not have negative interactions right where we live.

So Americans have friendships that are anchored to different locations, workplace, church, and other places may be different sets of friends, and contact in those friendships may not be at persons' homes very often, if at all.. those relationships may be active only at those places.

Brennisth@reddit

I think there's a big generational divide on this. My mother ran a household more like what you describe, but unannounced / unexpected visitors were still very welcome guests and the expectation was that the household would be ready, clean, and stocked to serve anyone's needs at anytime. Any dinner party, we'd have guest rooms made up and ready for anyone unsuited to driving home. My household, if I don't consider you family adjacent you'd better not show up at all, ever. If I do, well, you can fold the clothes on the couch to make more room for you to sit and you know where the fridge is if you're thirsty. :)

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the-quibbler@reddit

Showing up unannounced, especially in the modern era, is an imposition boarding on rude.

Your host will probably offer you something to drink. Saying yes or no have equal social weight. Otherwise, it depends on relationship and specifics of the visit.

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killingourbraincells@reddit

Varies a lot.

Generally, here in the South it's fairly similar in terms of hospitality.

For my family, we welcome the guest, no shoes pls, offer slippers, offer any beverages, take their bags to their room, if they've never been to our home, simple tour of the house, show them how to use the shower faucet lol. Make yourself at home!

My grandmother says you do not offer them food because they will say no out of politeness, so, you just make something and they'll always eat it.

My family would not consider it rude for friends or family to show up unannounced, it's considered a nice surprise. Friends and family are always welcome.

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aka_hopper@reddit

This varies a lot it seems. Small towns will do more for you. Stop in unannounced, put on a pot of coffee and all that.

It’s funny, after I moved to a city and made friends with rich kids, hospitality is lacking.

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shammy_dammy@reddit

Sullygurl85@reddit

I'm from and live in the Southeast US. We have a reputation for hospitality. I do not like people randomly showing up at my house and everyone but my mom seems to understand that. However if you are invited there will be an offer of something to drink, usually iced sweet tea or ice water in the summer, and some sort of snack. I usually have cake or cookies made. If I invite people over it tends to be for lunch or dinner anyway.

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MarionberryPlus8474@reddit

There will be a lot of diversity among ethnic, regional, and class lines, and some people are just very generous hosts while others are not.

Overall I would say hosts in the US will probably seem less welcoming due mostly to cultural differences. What you describe is very similar to how friends of mine of Arab and Persian origin treat hospitality.

For most Americans, it’s OK to ask for something, which is often considered rude elsewhere, and saying no is not considered impolite, nor is it the beginning of a sort of ritual where someone must say no but really mean yes but saying yes immediately is considered rude.

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Remarkable_Pie_1353@reddit

I was taught a hosting script. It's different if I invited someone to my home for a meal versus coming over to socialize without a meal. But here are general steps I always follow.

Greet the guest warmly at the front door.

Offer to take their outerwear and hang it up for them in my hall closet.

Lead them into my entertaining space and offer a selection of beverages based on season and time of day.

Me and my husband have had to adjust to meet somewhere in the middle of what we were used to.

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AdamOnFirst@reddit

Less formal/more varied.

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warp10barrier@reddit

Don’t know. I don’t let people in my home.

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I'd prefer a call or a text before showing up but I wouldn't necessarily consider it rude if someone wanted to visit. It might be awkward if I have to say "now isn't a great time" but honestly it wouldn't bother me, especially if our relationship is extremely close, like a best friend or a brother. When I was growing up in the 90s, my aunts and uncles or neighbors would often stop by unannounced to chat and visit with my folks. Usually this is stepping outside to visit or sitting at the kitchen table. I probably wouldn't offer anyone anything to eat or drink unless I felt they were going to be chatting a long while.

If we're hosting guests, though, I want the house to be extra clean and want to have gone shopping so that I have beverages or light foods on hand to serve.

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VinceP312@reddit

I grew up in Chicago.

I always offer a guest refreshments. I'm a single guy and live alone, so my bought food is tailored to my limited food tastes. So should a guest be hanging around during meal time, I typically suggest going to a restaurant we can agree on.

If hosting someone for a few days, we definitely go to a grocery to plan out what meals or snacks the guest would like.

Again because I'm single and live alone, also not In a situation where my friends live on the same block or in the same building I've never had a non-arranged visit.

At my parents house in the suburbs, neighbors will come to the house unannounced and no one considers that rude.

Also, we don't typically over-prepare food and dont shower a guest with a huge array of options or servings. If someone declines something it just depends on how well we know the person. If we know the no means no, we don't keep asking.

If it's a new guest and they say no, we may ask "are you sure" "you are welcome to have more" etc.. to overcome a nervous newcomer who might say "no" as some nervous form of being polite

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Both_Painter_9186@reddit

Americans are more casual and value privacy more. No one shows up unannounced unless it’s an emergency. It’s been like that pretty much since smart phones have been around. Even my neighbor who Im friends with will shoot me a text first before coming by unless we physically see each other in the yard or something.

As far as entertaining- if it’s planned, its definitely common to have a meal or snacks ready- or at least have plans to go out or order something. If it’s just a buddy swinging by, you might just offer a beer, soda, coffee or tea.

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No_Masterpiece663@reddit

There are so many varying factors. I’d need a specific situation.

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Chateaudelait@reddit

It's really a lovely thing to have a host make sure you're comfortable and safe. When you're hot and all rattled from travel, a cool cloth, a splash of cologne and a cup of tea is just perfect.

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ltanaka76@reddit

There is no script per se, but many people will offer something to drink right away. A lot of times, the main reason to have someone over is to eat, so asking if they want food isn't really done. But the host may have small appetizers out for guests to munch on before the meal at their own leisure. For a lot of Americans, hosts really pushing them to eat more would make them uncomfortable. However, among certain subcultures, it is not uncommon.

In general, coming to someone's house unannounced is seen negatively, as Americans tend to value privacy and personal boundaries. But for some people there are exceptions for particularly close friends or family that you see very often.

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Funny-Dare-3823@reddit

It varies by region.

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lissalissa3@reddit

I’m from the northeast / New England area.

I would say showing up unannounced leans more towards rude than acceptable. This definitely varies depending on who it is. If my neighbor who I’m not close with comes by quickly to ask a question or for a reason, that would be fine. If my friend came by to hang out without checking in first, that would be rude. I don’t think it necessarily needs a plan - there have been times where someone calls and says “hey I’m in your area, can I swing by and say hi?” And that’s completely fine (assuming we’re home).

At the very least I offer water to anyone who comes over - visitors or someone doing work. If this is a planned event with enough notice, I will try to buy some soft drink that I know the guests will like and/or beer or wine if the time is appropriate. It’s also usual for a guest to bring a drink (bottle of wine, six pack) or a snack or side (depending on what kind of event they’re over for). I usually only offer coffee or tea post meals (or the occasional brunch type visit but personally those are rare).

I think in general, if you’re hosting an event, it’s customary to have some selection of drinks for guests to choose from, as well as snacks. As a guest, it’s also customary for you to bring something as well.

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RaineMist@reddit

It depends on the person. There's really no "script" to follow. If you're offered something then you either take it or you don't. Cologne isn't something offered.

Also, there are people that bring gifts but it's not really necessary unless it's a birthday, holiday, or event.

Showing up unannounced is rude but again, it depends on the person.

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No-Tart-1157@reddit

It varies. Usually when hosting you let the guest know in advance what to expect so they plan and dress accordingly. Being served a meal, swimming outdoors, playing games, Etc. And then ideally you follow suit with whatever plan it is you invited them over for.

Generally the first things I provide to my guests no matter the occasion is something to drink and direction to the bathroom.

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Rojo37x@reddit

Just speaking very generically and generally, a guest is similarly welcomed with offers of food and drinks. Nothing specific necessarily, you just always offer a guest something you have available in case they are thirsty or hungry. If you are hosting a dinner or something then there will usually be a lot of food and people will often politely insist you eat more lol.

As far as showing up unannounced, it is generally frowned upon and may be considered rude, with the possible exception of very close family members, friends or possibly neighbors.

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Sad-Seaworthiness946@reddit

This is complicated because within the USA there’s a lot of different cultural backgrounds that hosts guests in their own ways. There isn’t really one American way.

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SouthernGentATL@reddit

I was raised and live in the southeast US. I would generally expect if I received an invitation to visit or had inquired if I could visit and that was accepted, it would be common to offer some refreshment. At least in the form of drinks and maybe light snacks if it was planned as a longer visit. I would not expect a meal or heavy snacks unless specifically invited for that but I would also not find it odd if that were offered for a visit around or continuing thru a meal time.

It varies greatly from household to household. Generally speaking showing up unplanned is considered rude, but again some are cool with it, age and closeness of the relationship plays a big factor in that.

As far as refreshments and such, at a minimum offer something to drink would be expected, that could be water or it could be an adult beverage, again depends on the people involved and the relationship.

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Outlaw_Josie_Snails@reddit

There is no set standard. It depends on the individual dynamic of each family or household, neighbors, and friends.

I can say that I do not like unannounced guests just stopping by without a heads-up. With the advent of text messaging, many people prefer that you ask, "Hey, are you going to be home? I was thinking of stopping by," etc.

As to what we give a guest, it could be anything from a beer, cup of tea or coffee, sweats, mixed drink, snacks, etc. Or, a proper meal.

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jeff1074@reddit

This varies wildly. I always make sure that I have at least a quick snack on hand, hot and cold beverages (coffee, tea, water)and a comfortable place in case of a random drop by.

This is very important to me, but isn’t the case for other people I know.

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Sad_Restaurant_5276@reddit

At Thanksgiving they will cook and eat you. To them you are a turkee.

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Docnevyn@reddit

1) There isn't a default script. Some Americans won't put much thought into feeding you and others will try to get you to eat as much of their lovely home cooked food as possible.

xampl9@reddit

There’s no standard “script”. It will vary a lot based on the part of the country, what the family is like, and so on.

Is this a social visit or are you spending the night (or a few days) at their home?