ULPT Request: Matched Energy at His Wedding
Posted by CosmicContessa@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 247 comments
When my husband and I finally had our wedding in 2021, I pushed him to include a childhood friend as a groomsman. This friend is a walking red flag, but I stupidly wanted my husband to have all of the people who loved him standing by his side during our ceremony. Well, I’m an idiot. Friend got excessively drunk, missed half the photos, hit on married women, and said some really uncouth, downright disrespectful things to my nearest and dearest. I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that he went overboard and made enemies out of almost everyone that night.
Why did husband and groomsman maintain a friendship after that? I don’t know—nostalgia?—but they did. Now, groomsman is getting married, and husband is confident we’ll receive an invitation. I don’t consider myself petty under most circumstances, but homeboy made several scenes at my wedding, and hasn’t had the decency to even attempt an apology. I don’t want to go, but husband insists. So…it’s time for revenge. My husband wants to hire an escort to embarrass him during the ceremony, but I would prefer less expensive routes. So, ULPT community: what do we do to embarrass him at his wedding the way he embarrassed us at ours?
reprise785@reddit
Yea ruin the wedding for his new wife. Aren't you a lovely person.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I love the presumption that someone who would marry this douche is a good person. Even granting that a priori assumption, he could certainly be embarrassed without causing her hardship. Be less triggered on the internet.
Ach301uz@reddit
You meet a son of a bitch and you act like him. Then you are only a mirror. Shallow. Full of the same shit. Have some guts. Be the better person.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Nah. I’m choosing vengeance on behalf of the family members he said should die for their professions. Thanks for your feedback, tho.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Can’t edit to add, but relevant info: most of his behavior was embarrassing, rather than revenge-worthy, but: a) he hit on three different married women IN FRONT OF THEIR SPOUSES, and b) told one of those spouses that he deserved to die because of his profession. All of these people held us accountable for his behavior (rightly so; our guest, our fault), which is why I’m escalating things.
travelslowly@reddit
Not saying he isn’t a dick, but why would those other people hold the bride and groom accountable for someone else’s behavior? Presumably all of the people in this story are adults? Plenty of weddings have guests like “racist uncle,” “creepy cousin,” and “aunt who asks inappropriate questions” that have to be invited because of family dynamics. I cannot understand an adult holding the hosts responsible for what another guest does, unless you guys defended him after the fact. Wild to me.
Ok_Giraffe_17@reddit
A dinner party, a small gathering, something more intimate, yes! Check your friend.
At a wedding - the Bride & Groom are working a room full of people, most of which they haven't seen in a bit. They don't have time to babysit a spastic drunk. That's what the rest of the wedding party is for! Shoot, I babysat the party groomsman at my BFF's wedding, ended up having a blast AND kept him out of trouble. One of my better bridesmaid experiences.
forgetfulbumblebee@reddit
Because they’re guests of the bride and groom. Simply by inviting him, they’re enabling him. That means they co-sign his behaviour, accept who he is, and allow him to act the way he does.
The same actually goes for racist uncles, narcissistic mothers, and creepy grandpas who get “handsy” with all the minors at the wedding. (Oh yes, those are all very real characters. There are lots of toxic people in this world.) Of course, the racist uncle is responsible for his behaviour, but his enablers are responsible for their part - which is supporting him.
You can say “I don’t approve!” all you want, but who invited those characters and exposed all the other guests to their racism/narcissism/sexual harassment? Who’s going to let it slide and invite them to another event?
You’re using the excuse that many people in toxic families use - “I had no choice but to invite them” - no, you actually did have a choice, and you’re enabling them.
BigBoyBoulevard6@reddit
Yeah those friends are kind of shitty... why didn't they take it up with the drunk in the moment? Or just brush him off as the loser he is and think no more of it?
Pretty fucking weird to make this the bride/grooms problem...
forgetfulbumblebee@reddit
I can’t help but wonder why your husband was ever friends with him. I mean, enablers aren’t as bad as the people they enable, but they are tacitly saying “I accept and approve of this.” Otherwise, if they didn’t accept or approve, they wouldn’t be friends.
Oftentimes enablers will happily let it slide when the asshole is targeting others (because the enabler lacks empathy for the targets). The only time the enabler suddenly has a problem with the asshole is when they finally get targeted themselves.
LeFreeke@reddit
What was the profession??
My-Lizard-Eyes@reddit
Watch him be a medical insurance adjuster or crypto scammer or something
Gertrudethecurious@reddit
Assassin
ToothSufficient7763@reddit
Feed him salt Peter before the wedding?
gl0ssyy@reddit
we're going to need an update after this🤣🤣
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I’ll try to remember. Groomsman is allegedly going to propose this weekend, so I don’t foresee a wedding for the next 6+ months at least. I am compiling a list of the recommendations I think my husband will like best, and see what we can plan during their engagement.
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gl0ssyy@reddit
make a vision board to help you choose 🤣🤣 i'm so excited
philatio11@reddit
Can you make a pinterest board with cringy tiktoks? Does pinterest still exist?
gl0ssyy@reddit
pinterest exists but i'm not sure how it would work with tiktok's loll
say592@reddit
Make a PowerPoint presentation, invite a bunch of mutual friends and people he pissed off/offended. Invite the bride to be. Present over a casual dinner (lots of places will give you a private room if you are going to have 10+ people).
im_no_doctor_lol@reddit
Hire actors and give them all roles to play. Tell them their jobs are to get kicked out or don't get paid 😂
Dramatic-Chicken47@reddit
Is your husband giving a speech? Could he stand up and give one anyway? Making sure to share all the “funny” stories from your wedding, of course
luala@reddit
Thing with this is - does the bride deserve it too?
rvasshole@reddit
Honestly, OP brought this on themselves. They pushed their spouse to invite this person because it’s what they thought was best.
You fucked up OP and now you’re trying to get revenge for something YOU caused
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Ouch. You make an important point that I’ll have to ruminate over. I truly appreciate you bringing some empathy to the equation, as I’ve clearly lost my humanity when it comes to her turdstick-almost-fiancé.
OpinionLongjumping94@reddit
If this guy is as big of a jackass as he sounds, his fiancée probably has another wedding in her future after this one is done.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Funny story - homeboy was engaged to someone else up until maybe 4-6 months ago. She called it off.
forgetfulbumblebee@reddit
So he’s already marrying someone he’s been with for less than 6 months? Lol can we get another one of these for him 🚩
moose_dad@reddit
Honestly I wouldn't worry too much about her feelings during your escapades in that case.
She's clearly an idiot agreeing to marry on such a short time scale and this relationship wont get past the honeymoon phase.
OpinionLongjumping94@reddit
Red flags always red flagging.
PulseReaction@reddit
She does deserve it, for her taste in companionship alone! Do it, op.
luala@reddit
A very wise friend of mine sometimes says “their punishment is being themself”.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
But…what if our antics reveal a side of him that she was blind to before? What if we wind up saving her from an expensive divorce?
TwirlyGuacamole@reddit
Isn’t it more likely she’ll just see you the same way you saw him at yours? You’re more likely to embarrass yourselves and be seen as the issue ruining her wedding.
TBH the kind of embarrassment he caused for you, he probably wouldn’t get that it’s payback either - that kind of guy won’t have the self-awareness to reflect that it’s tit for tat, you’ll just be confusing and upsetting to others without any resolution for your grudge
luala@reddit
It’s a bit late to do this at their wedding reception though isn’t it!
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Perhaps, but where I live, the officiant signs the marriage license application at the wedding, and the couple returns it to the appropriate government office after-the-fact. She can rip that paper up and flush it down the toilet…
BurnieSlander@reddit
You need to stop. Either be an adult and go talk to this person if you think they are making a mistake, or don’t.
The fact that your willing to ruin someone’s wedding day makes me think you got exactly what you deserved on yours.
DoggiEyez@reddit
You know what sub this is, right?
AlBundysbathrobe@reddit
Harsh. Fair?
DonkeyKong694NE1@reddit
Hire a stripper for the reception
sjk971005@reddit
That's unfortunately none of your business and "copium" to justify revenge. I'm sorry he disrupted your wedding. No one truly holds any of that against you, and knows he made a fool of himself. I would not encourage also ruining someone else's special day. If you're lucky he will manage that himself and your hands will be clean.
jaxxon@reddit
Wrong sub. LOL
nik-nak333@reddit
Or... what if she is the same type of person he is? Birds of a feather, ya know? Could it ruin their special day? Possibly, but they might love it going down like that too.
shananddr@reddit
What about a large dinner with many he’s embarrassed or pissed off before hand with the wife to be in attendance. Maybe she’s as big a dumb ass as he. Maybe she’s has no idea how he is. Would be good to know before ruining her day. Show videos. Mention many wanted to do horrible things at his event as a result. See what happens. Maybe the girl will rip him a new one. Maybe he will see the error of his ways now tbat he’s with someone. I’d show video and give first hand accounts of as many of the past events as you are able to.
LeFreeke@reddit
Do you know her? Maybe she would be willing to do something pre-wedding to help you get your revenge without ruining her wedding. Maybe at the bachelor party.
SnowBro2020@reddit
Yes
dannydrama@reddit
Maybe a bit harsh tbh but birds of a feather and all that...
greasyjimmy@reddit
Get, bring, etc his favorite hard liquor and encourge him to do shots at his own wedding. Aka get him shitfaced.
thomasanderson123412@reddit
BEFORE the ceremony
probridgedweller@reddit
It’ll have to be something worth opening on a wedding day pre-ceremony. Still cheaper than an escort, but at least a $100 bottle.
forgetfulbumblebee@reddit
Money well spent, I’d say
bramley@reddit
Especially if you get to at least have a taste, too!
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
This matters, because (unbeknown to me), he was smashed at my wedding while the guys were getting ready. He walked down my aisle wasted. Matched energy, baybeeee.
forgetfulbumblebee@reddit
SUGARY drinks if possible. MIXED liquor if possible. TEQUILA.
Nothing like Long Island iced teas to get you shitfaced, fast.
kaett@reddit
even better... after he's drunk, just before he goes to stand at the altar, give him something that induces vomiting.
SlappyHandstrong@reddit
“How 'bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?”
3ZWill@reddit
Classic!
Turbulent-Caramel25@reddit
I recognize the quote but can't remember the source.
SlappyHandstrong@reddit
Bill Paxton- Weird Science
softoy@reddit
Yeahssss
helohero@reddit
WayneG88@reddit
Chet!
SlappyHandstrong@reddit
GOAT!
Turbulent-Caramel25@reddit
Riiight! Thank you!
helohero@reddit
He pukes, you die!
LackingUtility@reddit
Smart officiants will notice and will refuse to perform the ceremony, so could be double-win.
lkvee@reddit
OoOoOoOoOoH OP may even want to ask the officiant beforehand to keep an eye on the groom.
Lorncat@reddit
This is the way yes
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
This is the way. 👏👏👏
Apotak@reddit
He'll embarrass himself and you can walk away from it. Nice!
Medical-Quail7855@reddit
Your hands clean, revenge served 🤣
MangeurDeCowan@reddit
Revenge, like alcohol, is best served cold.
MischiefModerated@reddit
Gift him a nice flask full of his favorite liquor. Make sure hubby gives it to him during “get ready time” he’ll barely make it to the wedding…
Untenable123@reddit
Diabolical.
Twitch-x@reddit
After reading a few replies, Flask full of his favourite liquor before and shots after.
PomeloPepper@reddit
You can just leave it in the dressing room with an anonymous note saying "Congratulations"
Twitch-x@reddit
Would you drink a random drink left anonymously? I wouldn't. Gotta know and trust the person.
Melodic-Ad1415@reddit
Yep
PomeloPepper@reddit
Dressing room is presumptively safe. Besides, he doesn't sound all that picky.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
👏👏👏
mr_muffinhead@reddit
Video it and post it here as a follow up post.
b0ingy@reddit
honestly if he’s the type i think he is, just bring a camera. He’ll do the rest.
source: my cousin
timeless_stitches@reddit
Also this shows the bride just who she married. Give him the rope to hang himself.
bittinho@reddit
I recommend a few extra champagne toasts. Goes to your head quick. I’ve blacked out and had the absolute worst hangover of my life drinking champagne. Oh and try to have him do it on an empty stomach.
Ana-Hata@reddit
Ideally, you’d get him really drunk right BEFORE the ceremony, ask your husband to meet him for “a shot” a few hours before the ceremony then make sure it turns into lots of shots.
Historical-Creme-642@reddit
My ex’s brother was so drunk at his own wedding that he forgot the rings at home. They got married with a bridesmaid’s costume jewelry.
So yeah, OP, start the drinking early, he’ll do the rest of the work himself.
mmmpeg@reddit
You do t have to wait until they’re married, start the shots before the wedding.
IAmInBed123@reddit
Genius!
Log-Calm@reddit
Maybe decline the invitation with an explanation of this whole situation and how tempted you both were to return the favor, but that you've decided to take the high road and wish them both well.
kampfgolem@reddit
From your story, it sounds to me like it's 100% your fault. No sense in being a dick to the bride.
brainhack3r@reddit
Serious answer...
Find a random woman to "object" during the actual marriage ceremony saying she's pregnant and that she expects him to do the right thing and marry her instead and to support the baby.
Record it and post it to social media.
I don't think you need to pay for this. I think that there's tons of women that would just do this for the LOLs.
If you do go the escort route, just hire a cheap one. I actually think that would be funnier because the cheaper ones look a little bit skanky, if you know what I mean.
You'd have to spend like $100-200 for an hour of her work.
forgetfulbumblebee@reddit
10/10, no notes, utter perfection
jaxxon@reddit
Even some faked genetic "proof"
ribbitman@reddit
I get this is ULPT but that could get OP sued and probably arrested. Nothing even possibvly traceble back to OP when this kind of $$ is involved.
brainhack3r@reddit
I just handle the unethical part. lol
ribbitman@reddit
Fair point.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
You go hard and I like your style.
brainhack3r@reddit
I was born for this! :)
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I wish my brain worked like that. I’m jealous.
frickenfantastic@reddit
Bonus points for getting multiple women to stand up during the ceremony shout that they’re the one claiming him and have a cat fight reminiscent of the Maury show
brainhack3r@reddit
That's a good one too!
bionicallyironic@reddit
Get some liquid that smells terrible (old milk, shrimp juice, liquid ass, or deer urine) and drop it around the cake table.
Or, if you want to risk having wine poured on you by a bridesmaid, wear white.
IAmTheLizardQueen666@reddit
WEAR RED !!!
bionicallyironic@reddit
Ooh, yes. And ask the DJ to play Lady in Red. 🤣
forgetfulbumblebee@reddit
😭😭
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
In the interest of avoiding face-to-face confrontation, I’m going to investigate the “smelly liquid” suggestion further. Thank you!
bonitaababy@reddit
Liquid ass.
https://www.google.com/search?q=liquid+ass&oq=liquid+ass&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIKCAEQABixAxiABDIKCAIQABixAxiABDIHCAMQABiABDIHCAQQABiABDIHCAUQABiABDINCAYQLhivARjHARiABDIHCAcQABiABDINCAgQLhivARjHARiABDIHCAkQABiABDIHCAoQABiABDIHCAsQABiABDINCAwQLhivARjHARiABDINCA0QLhivARjHARiABDIHCA4QABiABNIBCDI1NzRqMGo3qAIQsAIB8QUtS5j4bKWu0Q&client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
You're welcome.
jaxxon@reddit
If you know their means of departure (car with JUST MARRIED painted on the windows, or whatever), you can sabotage that vehicle somehow. I feel bad for the bride in all of this, but this IS ULPT, afterall.
Pale_Section1182@reddit
pissdisc
DoggiEyez@reddit
Sounds like all you need to do is get him drunk in advance.
Theal12@reddit
nah, don’t ruin another woman’s wedding. Mess up his stag do and get pictures
zephyrthewonderdog@reddit
Just go and watch. He will ruin it himself. Do you honestly think he will remain clean, sober and polite at his own wedding. Just take lots of picture when the police arrive and post them on social media.
JerseyGuy-77@reddit
So is there any chance your husband actually thinks the uncouth stuff was funny and that's why they still hang out?
probridgedweller@reddit
Your husband wants to hire an escort.
As for the wedding and payback, I would make it known that you won’t be doing his laundry list of deeds at his wedding. Maybe in front of the bride while they’re doing their rounds. In fact, just speak to her and don’t speak to him. Emphasize that you’re amazed she was able to whip him into shape ~ use some trigger words for him. “I won’t be telling your great-grandmother I want to put my hand so far up her skirt I’ll be wearing here tittes as finger condoms.” or whatever it was he said that was downright disrespectful to your nearest and dearest.
It’ll be fair to make him uncomfortable, but I’m sure he won’t be. If anything, she’ll make him uncomfortable later on when she questions his honesty about his past.
Or she could laugh in your face for trying to taint her wedding day all because you can’t get over one unruly guest you insisted on having.
Either way, pin an update!!! Any and all media welcome.
frederichenrylt@reddit
Have something delivered to him while he's getting ready morning of with just the groomsmen. Card could say "I know what you did." https://dicksbymail.com/?srsltid=AfmBOopyq1vmcqkMnoWbDKc1PyeWIimMEaBPl3VZ4SXmhy4bTooS1nC1
lilacookiee@reddit
Get the list of wedding attendees numbers and broadcast message from a burner phone or mass airdrop videos and pictures of the groom acting horridly at your wedding or if they have a display screen just play a montage of his worst moments. Then play it off with “we’re glad you’re all grown up, wish you a happy married life”
Wareve@reddit
Mr.RedFlag is obviously lacking in social grace and awareness. Perhaps he's to be pitted.
Jarhead-DevilDawg@reddit
The most diabolical evil thing I can think of is give him that pre wedding flask with a little roofy in there that he ends up missing his own wedding because he's too s*** faced to make it.
WatchingTellyNow@reddit
Go, eat and drink on his dime, and find a totally useless piece of junk you've been wanting to get rid of to give as your gift. I got a fondue set as a wedding present. Utterly useless.
van_isle_dude@reddit
Puss disc to the rescue
Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss@reddit
Before and after ceremony, during the cocktail hour, and during the mingling, constantly mention the friend's Behavior at your wedding. Treat it like a joke. But keep reinforcing how awful he was, "... and I hope he can keep it under control today!"
Warn all of the partners of the Bridesmaids to keep a close eye on the groom, since you observed him having a Wandering eye - and hands - at your own wedding. Warn the Bridesmaids and the maid of honor, as well, along with the parents of the Bride. Mention what happened, but express your confidence that the groom probably won't act like that today. 🙄😉
And of course, your husband should get up and make a speech, referencing all the nasty things the friend did at your guys' wedding.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
This is precisely the energy I’m seeking. Perfect. Thank you!
curiousnomad2222@reddit
A lit of these ideas sound like revenge on his soon to be wife. Did she ever do anything to you?
megalethoscope@reddit
That was my thought too - maybe she's stupid for marrying this guy but humiliating her on her wedding day is a really unkind thing to do
novakedy@reddit
When you’re at the wedding, find a time to go up to him and the bride and just say it how it was,
“HEYY, remember that time you got shitfaced and tried to ruin my wedding? Remember how you hit on x, xx, and xxx with their husbands next to them?!”
Or better yet, frame it like, how much fun he had or how cool it was that he did that and then talk him up and let the bride ask questions and then be like “oh yeah I bet he stole you away from someone like he tried to do three times at my wedding 😉😉lucky girl you”
peanutismint@reddit
I mean, you pushed him into this, you should probably take your lumps and move on as I’m betting any revenge won’t go down the way you hope.
Background-Bee1271@reddit
You already lost when your husband stayed friends with this man.
CorrectMaybe@reddit
For real. What does it say about her husband that this is the type of friend that he had, and chose to stay friends with even after he behaved so terribly at the wedding?
StarrySkiesNY@reddit
There are some people you just can't get rid of. Crazy but true. Notice OP said it was a "childhood" friend. They can become like family no matter how fcuked up they are.
ExtremeAthlete@reddit
Cut one thread at the back of his pants. It should split by the end of the night.
MisfitWitch@reddit
For reliably splitting a seam, you need to cut approximately every third stitch. Seam rippers are your friend.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I like the energy, but this idea requires a bit too much proximity for my comfort level. Holding on to it for future reference, though! Well done!
ACynicalOptomist@reddit
Have your husband pick up his suit for him.
jaxxon@reddit
Liquid ass in his loafers?
notajock@reddit
He embarrassed himself at your wedding. He'll probably manage to embarrass himself in his own wedding all by himself. Don't embarrass yourself.
hom3br3w3r@reddit
All his family and friends know his antics, I doubt he’ll care
PrincessYumYum726@reddit
He’s going to embarrass himself all on his own.
Terrible_Analysis_77@reddit
Learn to play the tune of your national anthem with armpit farts. When it’s time to do toasts have your husband hold the microphone for you and refuse to let it go until you’re finished. Once complete he should drop the mic and just stand up applauding and saying “brava, brava!”
Interrupt other toasters with snickering laughter. Or more armpit farts.
pandapower63@reddit
Ooh, ooh,ooh! I know the answer to this one! My problem is, ever since Reddit mobile updated. I can only type about six sentences then I can’t see what I type. My answer will make you look classy everyone’s head turn burn him and confuse him too. Now I can’t see anything I type.
pandapower63@reddit
If you want me to, I can tell you later (I’m supposed to be working right now). I suppose commenting on my comment on my comment on my comment and commenting on that might work. It’s something that you could do along with other things.
pandapower63@reddit
Let me know if you wanna know.
Kowabunga_Dude@reddit
Just be the bigger person and move on with life.
ShiroineProtagonist@reddit
FROZEN PISS DISK IN THE GETTING READY ROOM plus the getting him drunk stuff, but ya gotta pay the old PD tax.
midwestblacklotus@reddit
talk about other people's weddings the whole time
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Oh yeahhhhh you know what? That might be the ticket.
midwestblacklotus@reddit
alix and wharton had the BEST meringue!
-tacostacostacos@reddit
The escort will be worth it if she wears a fake pregnancy belly and claims the baby is his.
HailSatanWorshipD00M@reddit
Would it be cheaper or more expensive if the escort was actually pregnant?
just-4_you@reddit
Bahahaha, ok, that may be overboard, but i love it
NYSenseOfHumor@reddit
Hire an actress to play an escort. You can probably find someone for less than $25.
These_Milk_5572@reddit
I wonder if he hasn’t apologized because hubby excused his behavior(?)
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
He apologized to hubby after hubby ghosted him for a year, but hasn’t said a thing to me about insulting my family members and embarrassing them. Husband has a penchant for charity.
BriscoCounty-Sr@reddit
So you pushed your husband to invite someone your husband purposely didn’t invite(probably because he knows him) and then this person who you already knew was shitty acted shitty at your wedding and you’re asking for revenge tips….
Idk man getting revenge on yourself for what you did seems sorta crazy to me. Just don’t self sabotage anymore and you’ll be golden
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Read it again, and closer this time.
Linvaderdespace@reddit
Tell as many of his in-laws that your happily surprised that the bride was able to look over his pederasty.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
dragginFly@reddit
Get him drunk until he passes out, get him on a long distance train (can be a passenger train or a boxcar), handcuff him to the arm rest. No wallet, cash or credit cards.
Additional option: strip him down to his underwear on the train.
Wild-Meringue-110@reddit
He can't force you to go. Don't go.
ShesGotaChicken2Ride@reddit
Don’t do anything to make yourself look like an AH; do something that makes him look like the AH. Maybe your husband can make a speech à la Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer? Remember that time we got those— well, I guess they were hookers, but I don’t remember payin’— 😂
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Melodic-Ad1415@reddit
Craigslist hooker $20
LascivX@reddit
Have a 3way with your hubby and him in front his bride
apathetic-taco@reddit
Don’t do anything. This guy is his own worst karma.
AK_Sole@reddit
Sleep with his wife.
If that fails, slip some piss discs in his suit coat pocket.
SavageCaveman13@reddit
Do you also hate the bride so much that you want to ruin her wedding?
If this guy is as bad as you make him out to be, she's probably similar. So buy each of their favorite bottles and get them to do as many shots as possible. Maybe something else that makes them feel tingly and friendly. Then hit on them both. And have your husband seduce the maid of honor.
senditloud@reddit
The way is not to ruin it for the bride. Don’t be that person.
Make it so he hears about it later. Maybe walk around whispering about him like “let’s take a bet on how long this lasts.” Or you go ahead and hit on all the married family members. Have hubby photo bomb photos (just none with the bride tho). Give a lap dance to his dad. Have hubby make insults around his mom. But passive aggressively like “wow, I’m amazed anyone married him considering what a hot mess he is.”
Ask the DJ to play shaggy “wasn’t me” and take the mic and dedicate it to him and say “bro, this is about you know..” and wink.
Wear a really skimpy outfit and have husband wear no shirt at the reception. Just a jacket.
If he says anything be like “bro! I’m just bringing the fun!!! Since you can’t do it, someone else has to!!! Enjoy!!”
Dailia-@reddit
Get one of his or the bride’s beloved family members shit faced. They’ll do the dirty work for you.
Bonus if you know some of the family’s tensions and can stoke the fire.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Very interesting suggestion; thank you!
Dailia-@reddit
I think the stoking the family discontent fire is the best way to go.
It’ll be a thing for the groom to have to deal with well beyond the wedding. Just like you’ve had to deal with the embarrassment after yours.
Let us know what route you go!
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I do like this. Husband hasn’t shared the full story with me, but I’m under the impression that there is some animosity with Groomsman’s mom and other family members of her generation. Maybe it’s time to leverage that.
Dailia-@reddit
Yes! A bunch of upset and uncomfortable elders at an event puts everyone on edge.
But if you want a scene, you need to find the younger people’s feuding. If the groom was a yahoo, he’s got brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles who are just like him.
One ‘I heard so and so say they don’t love the decor or something’ will allow those who want to tell someone off feel more license to share their thoughts.
I saw this all thinking to myself if I’m the evil twin.
tree_beard_8675301@reddit
“I was in the bathroom and I heard a lady say __. I didn’t see who it was because she left before I got out of the stall.”
Dailia-@reddit
Yes! This.
FatRufus@reddit
Obligatory piss discs
tillwehavefaces@reddit
Someone like this is going to embarrass themselves without your help.
LeFreeke@reddit
Rather cruel to his soon to be wife.
ConcertinaTerpsichor@reddit
Right? Do you know her, OP?
midwestblacklotus@reddit
loudly talk about how out of his league she is
MET1@reddit
All the things I can think of could ruin a marriage... I'm not sure where to stop. Think about hiring an actress and write a snarky speech for her to deliver (and then disappear). Karaoke - bring your own karaoke and improvise lyrics over the band/dj.
SecretStabbie@reddit
You should think about how the bride will feel. You were embarrassed by him at your wedding and still have feelings about it. Does she deserve that?
Then also the let him start drinking well before the wedding is great. Let him be himself.
Cwilkes704@reddit
Get him extremely hung over from the night before.
Temporary-Bobcat9682@reddit
Possibly with something drawn on his face.
Any_Beach_8157@reddit
With a Sharpie.
Reasonable-Marzipan4@reddit
Knock over the desserts. Knock over the flowers. Be clumsy!
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
That comes naturally to me, anyway! Good thinking!
SecretStabbie@reddit
No, do not embarrass your self. You want him to embarrass himself.
Gertrudethecurious@reddit
Encourage any children there to try the wedding cake first by sticking their finger in it.
tree_beard_8675301@reddit
Stumble into the table with the champagne tower.
Fluffychipmonk1@reddit
Just fuck the friends new soon to be wife.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Nobody in this household is willing to take that one for the team, but I like the cut of your jib.
Fluffychipmonk1@reddit
Guess I gotta do everything myself 😂😂
jaxxon@reddit
Are his antics recorded on video for posterity? Maybe work with the event coordiator to play an inspiring friendship slideshow and some choice video clips from the good old days . . . .
FalseDrive@reddit
Why did you write this using an LLM?
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Ohhh I just realized the problem; you don’t understand en-dashes. I didn’t know how they worked before law school, either. I’m not judging you for your inferior writing education, but don’t let it turn you into a douchebag to strangers.
LeFreeke@reddit
Ha! Trying to call someone out while using the wrong term and bragging about your law school education?
That is rich!
TrickImplement5351@reddit
*em-dashes. en-dashes are shorter and serve a different function
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I was positive I hit the en-dash on the keyboard; thank you for the notice. ✌️
TrickImplement5351@reddit
em-dashes were correct for your usage though, fyi!
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
The little hover menu on the iPhone keyboard is a floating bastard. ;)
FalseDrive@reddit
The EM DASHES (not en dashes) you are using aren’t the only reason this reeks of AI. I’ve been using them since the middle school. I know being called out on LLM usage can be embarrassing, so it’s okay to be a little mad, but your reply is only making it worse lmao
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
🤣🤣 Ok troll. I’m sorry to disappoint, but this is just my writing style. Since you have nothing of use to contribute here, you’re invited to move along. I’m sure there’s a Karen-friendly sub somewhere, where folks like you are more welcomed.
pi1979@reddit
Liquid ass and piss discs
f1ve-Star@reddit
Get him drunk and put him on a plane to vegas at the batchelors party.
That may not work now with TSA and all but it worked in the 80s. Guy never did forgive us.
tree_beard_8675301@reddit
Buy a couple cheap tickets to Vegas, make sure they’re in the back of the plane. Board. Tell him you need to go to the bathroom and head to the front of the plane. Get off the plane. Go home.
ObiWendigobi@reddit
I imagine that isn’t the first time your husband’s friend has showed his ass. Surely your husband is privy to those old stories. Speeches are encouraged at weddings.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
While I know for a fact that my husband has these stories, he isn’t the type to say them into a microphone. I think he’s seeking plausible deniability here.
ACynicalOptomist@reddit
Have him tell you and you can tell the stories.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I am the spouse with no shame!
tree_beard_8675301@reddit
Then tell his new wife or mother in law. Maybe in the bathroom or later pretend to be a little tipsy and “spill the beans.”
nik-nak333@reddit
No, you want the guy to embarrass himself, not be THAT PERSON who put him on blast at his wedding.
TanagraTours@reddit
If you ruin the wedding, you ruin it for a lot of people who don't deserve to have the day ruined.
Get him drunk enough to impair and impede their wedding night, and two people share the memory of the mishap.
Screw up their reservation for their room for the night, and while those are usually fixable, it's quite the memorable moment.
Temporary-Bobcat9682@reddit
Could he somehow be talked into a really bad haircut or facial hair situation? Something that will make seeing his wedding photos forever cringe-inducing? I had an unfortunate confluence of best friends' wedding and thinking that a goatee was a good look, and can say with confidence this can cause lasting harm 😅
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Love this! It’s giving Marshall Erikson with a razor.
CartoonistNo9@reddit
I know it’s the wrong sub for it but, Be the bigger person here. He might be an absolute clown of a guy but do his friends and family deserve to be involved in you ruining (not just) his wedding.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I definitely have a sub for ethical choices. That’s not my mood at the moment; I came here for dastardly recommendations. Similarly, my friends didn’t deserve to be told they deserve to perish because of their work, and yet, they were.
TanagraTours@reddit
Generic Viagra timed for immediately before the ceremony. Tell him it's low dose slow release Cialis, just a little something extra for the wedding night.
UnlikelyStaff5266@reddit
He will not be the one embarrassed. It will be his innocent bride that gets embarrassed and have her day ruined.
He sounds like she will have a lifetime of embarrassment.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
So would the better alternative be to make contact with her, warn her about the type of creep she’s marrying, and stop the wedding before it starts?
Mission_Presence_318@reddit
You all are in the wrong, guys care less about the wedding, will there be food to eat, open bar, do I get laid when over and maybe some head as it’s going?
You’re not going to embarrass him out hurt him. You’ll be attacking the bride and ruining her day
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Sounds like you’ve never been the groom at a wedding…the “do I get laid” gave it away. Grooms care; trust.
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p3t3y5@reddit
Sounds like you won't need to do anything. Just bring popcorn and sit back and watch
Intelligent-Guard267@reddit
1 vote for: Threesome with Escort
NefariousnessTop354@reddit
Find a friend that he doesn't know. Borrow their child, 7 or 8 is about perfect. Wait until reception and send kid over to their table with an envelope with his name on it. The note inside should something like, congratulations on your wedding , and being a father. this is your son/ daughter give name. I can't take care of them I know you and your new wife will give them the life they deserve. please just tell them often that mommy loves them. Then just sit back and watch. should be fun.
BrainznBodiez@reddit
Watch the movie I hope they serve beer in hell. That will give you some ideas.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I read the book when it was new. Is the movie the same?
remylebeau12@reddit
Startrek Betazed dress requirements for all 😊
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I had to Google that one. Anything in particular I should be looking for?
HaloTightens@reddit
Betazoid weddings are generally done in the nude. :)
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
Ohh. Well…that will require a much more secure woman than me to execute. But I like where your head’s at!
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Freypaints@reddit
A TED talk with visuals of ‘history’ you husband probably has squirreled away in his memory. Might become epic…
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I know where those photos live, actually… 😈
JoinedReddit@reddit
I am too lazy to suggest anything but to watch Wedding Crashers..Maybe force-streamed to screens in the venue of their wedding.
ContactIcy3963@reddit
I would go away from the “escort” “object” route that that will come back to you. Feed him a taste of his own tonic and let him fall on his own sword.
Really. Strong. Celebratory. Drinks.
hemaworstje@reddit
Hhm, it sound to me your husband has a true friend.
CosmicContessa@reddit (OP)
I don’t have anyone in my life out of a sense of obligation and pity, but my husband is a kinder soul than I am.
ItPutsLotionOnItSkin@reddit
Time for you to get excessively drunk and do the same things he did
hayyyhoe@reddit
Take laxative and paint the bathroom walls at the reception. That will really put a damper on the mood.
Desperate_Set_7708@reddit
Object to the marriage. Checkmate, motherfucker.