Those who are childfree by choice, do you ever feel sad or regret your decision?
Posted by bigpussystance@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 136 comments
I’m only 27 (F) about to be 28 and I’ve kind of decided children aren’t for me mainly due to I guess paranoia about how my own health would affect being a mother.
I’ve had severe depression for over 15 years and hurt myself in the past and have been suicidal before. Thankfully I don’t harm myself anymore or have thoughts of ending it, but I still get periods of intense depression, emptiness and sadness that I can barely function and I feel it would be unfair to project that onto a kid when I project it sometimes onto friends or family unintentionally and it’s hard to sometimes deal with the aftermath.
I guess I recognise I am inherently selfish because I value the freedom of doing what I need to do to deal with these dark days or moods without having to factor a kid into the mix I think ultimately being a mum would most likely worsen my state because even with medication, I can’t even live alone like I used to because the intense loneliness left me depressed for years on end. I’m just now recovering from this 3 year depressive mood which forced me to move back in with family and even if I get better and can find my own place again, I couldn’t imagine having a kid in the mix.
I think it’s for the best if I never had a child because I do not want my kid to ever be subjected to how I feel as it is a dark and lonely place. Whilst I’ve made this decision, I do feel a little bit of sadness about it and wonder if I will regret 20-30 years down the line and I guess I’m wondering if anyone else feels the same.
PaleozoicQueen@reddit
I knew I didn't want kids even as a child myself. I have never wanted them and now at 34 I have no regrets, I am having a great time.
I got sterilised a few years ago after 8 years of convincing doctors to do it and it's one of the best days of my life. I too have had mental health problems and I feel like it set me free from the constant fear of pregnancy.
I have my own flat, a dog I adore, lovers in different countries and spend my life travelling. This year I have already been to 2 different countries and in a month I set off on a 2 month backpacking trip across the Balkans to Türkiye.
I see the lives of those with children and I wish them all the best, I hope they are happy and I care about children and their rights, but damn, I am always so glad they are not mine and that none are ever coming out of me.
I wouldn't trade my life for one moment.
RoleMysterious8756@reddit
What do you do with your dog when you go travelling for two months?
haaiiychii@reddit
Nope. I am happy with my decision, it's not selfish, why would it be selfish? Is not having a cat selfish? No.
Bunch_of_pandas@reddit
I didn't want children. I was an office girl. Hiked at weekends. Social butterfly. Enjoyed being an auntie. But i struggled with bulimia & body dismorphia. Then I had 3 unplanned children (I was on birth control) Now I'm a stay at home mum, no social life, stuck at home as son has autism & struggles to leave the house. He can barely cope with school. I've been depressed for years, don't have any self worth. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't recognise myself. If I could go back in time and change things I would. I know it sounds horrible & it is & it feels horrible to feel that way.
I would have rather lived wondering if I would have regrets, than living with those regrets. I wish it want this way.
Just want to end this with the fact, I do love my kids, I try my best but I know its not good enough. I'm emotionally, physically & mentally exhausted.
Eukonidor_Of_Arisia@reddit
Some people have children to tick a box on their mental 'bucket list'. For many of them, it's not about the child, it's about their sense of achievement in life.
This is infinitely more selfish than choosing not to have children, in my opinion.
Leader_Bee@reddit
I'm 40 in a couple of months and it's not something I regret.
It's like someone asking me if I regret never being a sales ledger clerk. It's something I never wanted to do. I don't think about it.
Swimming_Possible_68@reddit
No, absolutely not!
I love it when friends or family bring their kids over. They are wonderful.
I also then hear how little sleep the parents are getting, the constant worry from the moment they are born, the problems at school..
It basically takes over your life (rightfully so) - and I'm not wired for that.
I think I would be a terrible and reluctant parent.
sleepyprojectionist@reddit
I’m 41M.
I have never wanted kids.
I’m a weirdo and I have never had a relationship last longer than three months, so even if I did want kids I haven’t really put myself into a position where that is possible.
I have a handful of medical conditions that run in my family. Most of the men in my family have died in their fifties and sixties.
I’m on a below-average salary, and thanks to a bad run of emergencies, I am in a reasonable amount of debt.
Physically, mentally, and financially I am in a terrible position to have kids, but even if I was a healthy, mentally stable millionaire I doubt that I would change my position.
togtogtog@reddit
I'm in my 60s. I was never strongly against having children and I like children.
Not only do I have no regrets, I actively quite often feel glad that I never had children!
sound-of-the-river@reddit
When I asked my own mother a few years ago if she was disappointed that she would not be a grandmother, she confided it was kind of nice to be able to do so many adult things regularly and easily (travel, shows etc). I think people would be surprised at how often it’s not the deal-breaker we’ve been raised to believe.
togtogtog@reddit
I do enjoy children's company. However, they aren't children for that long. They cost a lot of money. They require a lot of time and effort. You have to put their needs above your own.
You can't have an uninterrupted conversation with other adults about anything you want to, or just leave the house.
I've been able to work part time, retire early (and I never even earned that much, but I am pretty frugal), travel the world, climb, sing in a choir, have lots of friendships with all sorts of different people, learn languages, and generally have a very pleasant and full life indeed!
If you do have children, there is no guarantee that they will have anything to do with you later in life. They may cause you heartbreak. I love my niblings, but I don't have the same responsibilities as a parent.
NoFewSatan@reddit
You can?
togtogtog@reddit
I meant that you can't just walk out of a house if you are the only adult there caring for a young child, leaving them on their own, not that you are never allowed to leave the house again for the rest of your life! :-D
And I think of all the conversations I've tried to have with the parents of young children, where they start to tell me their deep and profound feelings, then we hear 'mummy... mummy... MUMMY!!!!!!' and the feeling of the conversation evaporates while they sort out whatever the issue is, then when they come back, they are saying 'erm... now what was I saying?'
Not just conversations, but all sorts of other things which need absorption and concentration. You can wait until they are asleep, but then there are 1000 things that you want to fit into that time, and you yourself are knackered and just want to sleep.
I remember taking my niece around the supermarket when she was little, and I really enjoyed all the old ladies stopping me to tell me how cute she was, but I was also a bit shocked to leave the supermarket with only half of the stuff that I had gone in to get. My brain was fried by the extra attention that having a child with me sucked out of it!!!! And that was just a day, and I was fully rested!
Being a parent is all consuming during those earlier years. Both wonderful and terrible all mixed together.
NoFewSatan@reddit
Fair! Though I do think a lot of people really restrict themselves much too much just because they have a child... Of course, things will change, but it should be a case of fitting them into your lifestyle also!
togtogtog@reddit
Yes. But with some things, you simply can't. You can't go and see an 18 film if you have a child with you. You can't leave a young child alone. If your child is ill, you can't ignore it. If you've gone out for a walk and your child is over tired, or too cold, you can't ignore it as you can as an adult.
When they are young, they are a big responsibility. You end up changing which TV programmes you watch, where you go on holiday, even what you wear! You can say they have to fit into your lifestyle, but a 3 year old can't do that.
Fair enough once they are 14, but there are a lot of years of adapting your life before that.
The best that you can do is involve other adults, so that you have time away from your child to be able to do child unfriendly things that you want to do.
BreqsCousin@reddit
Choosing to have a child and choosing to not have a child are equally "selfish" in most cases, people are just doing the thing that they think they will enjoy the most. They're doing it because that's what they want, for themselves.
Portsmo@reddit
Selfish is treated as a bad word. But it’s OK to be selfish sometimes, because ultimately you only have one life and you must do what makes you happy. None of this matters when you die.
Usual caveat of “don’t be a dick” applies.
rkr87@reddit
Nobody cares more about your happiness than you, be more selfish.
Nights_Harvest@reddit
Selfish - someone excessively concerned with their own welfare, pleasure, or advantage without regard for others.
Selfish is an incorrect word.
rkr87@reddit
It's not that deep, bro.
Nights_Harvest@reddit
You made it deeper than it is by using incorrect language that relies on inference than explicitly stating the point, bro.
rkr87@reddit
I meant what I said. You made it deeper than it is.
Either_Sense_4387@reddit
My sister (has kids) I don't, by choice. She once told me and my other half we were selfish for not having kids... I said "yup, we absolutely are! We like our life as it is" I think she thought we'd be offended... Absolutely not at all!
We know we're too selfish to have kids... So we don't! 👍
PristineKoala3035@reddit
Yh people will outright proclaim their decision makes their life is objectively better for them as an individual & the alternative would make them miserable, then also try to rationalise it into some benevolent self sacrificial act & they’re doing it to save the world. Ego is a powerful thing.
Psychological_Bee_93@reddit
I didn’t want kids up until the moment I did, at 36 when I got engaged to my now husband. Had my first child at 38 and don’t regret it but I am one and done.
If you know, you know. It’s ok to not want kids. It’s ok to want them. It’s ok to leave your options open, just in case. The only version I’d say is not ok is to have them knowing you’ve got severe doubts and then abandon them or bring them up in an unsuitable environment.
Celery_Worried@reddit
It makes me a little sad that my dad doesn't get to be a grandpa. He's the only one of his siblings who hasn't got grandchildren. But that's not enough of a reason for me to want kids!
Jayatthemoment@reddit
You may well regret it to some extent, but you make the best decision for you with what you have at the time. Sounds like you’d also regret having kids. It’s not always black and white.
clrthrn@reddit
I intended to be child free, thought I was fully on board with it, then I got pregnant at 40 and kept her. Possibly a bigger mistake as I now hugely regret wanting to be childfree and wish I had my kid at 30, mainly so we could have had a sibling for my kid who hates being an only child. Is parenting hard work? F-k yes. Would I go back and change it if I could? Only the having a kid at 30 not 40 part. The thought of me being 70 when she is only 30 breaks my heart to pieces.
Tancred1099@reddit
There’s nothing more rewarding in life than raising children
NoFewSatan@reddit
To you, maybe. Not everyone is the same
PolarLocalCallingSvc@reddit
33m, no regrets.
We go travelling at the drop of a hat. Do what we want, when we want. Take part in adventurous activities which we couldn't safely do with a very young child.
I'm focussed on being a really good uncle instead.
vaskemaskine@reddit
Approaching 40 here and no. Never liked kids, even when I regrettably was one.
Lemon-Flower-744@reddit
OP, I'm 34F and I used to dread my 25th birthday because I knew people would ask me when I'm having children.. then one of my work colleagues said "you know it's a choice right?" Light bulb moment and decided yeah being a mum isn't for me. Personally I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.
I've been called all sorts of nasty things which is why I'm not vocal about it. I admit, i am selfish to not have children. I'm sorry that I need my sleep, my quiet time and holidays. My sister and SIL both have children and their lives seem chaos at the moment with trying to get theirs potty trained, battling with them going to nursery.
I also think being a parent is the hardest job in the world and fair play to those who have done that. If you're a parent and reading this, you're doing a great job. I for one would not make a good job. There's plenty of my own family members that shouldn't have children, my dad being one of them where children were to be seen not heard. I don't feel sad for my decision, my nephews love me cause I'm fun auntie.
Famous_Address3625@reddit
I’m a 63 year old grandmother, I love my kids v much and grandchildren but sometimes resent the (maybe) perceived obligation to spend large chunks of my time with them, especially as I was to all intents and purposes a single parent. You say you’ve had nasty things said to you…that’s absolutely appalling, it’s no one’s business but yours as to whether you have children or not and I don’t understand the altitude that it’s selfish not to have children- to whom? The hypothetical children? In fact, I sometimes wish my children didn’t have any…I worry immensely about their future in this current climate and even if they’ll have one. Enjoy your life, doing as you wish (as long as not a dick to anyone else 😂)
Lemon-Flower-744@reddit
Love this for you! Also, that's what I say - Enjoy your life, you do you. If you like something then who cares what anyone else thinks... unless it's illegal, then don't do that. Dont do the crime if you can't do the time. Ahaha
I don't know why it's selfish. I guess it's because I like my own time and don't want to share it. I know what you mean about perceived obligation, my sister puts my nephew with my parents, I do sometimes push back and say, they are in their 70s, they are meant to be enjoying their retirement not running after your son 7-6 Tuesday - Friday.
I do worry about the state of the world as well, I also don't know how people afford them. They are expensive, the expectations from school etc, as well as working full time. That's why I think it's amazing to those who want children and have them. It honestly breaks my heart knowing some people are out there trying to have a child but can't. I'm grateful to our ancestors that we are able, as women to have the choice.
haggis_catcher-@reddit
Its your life your decision who would you be being selfish to yourself?
Mountain_Resident_81@reddit
I think it’s actually far less selfish to choose to not bring a child into the world you may not be able to properly care for than it would be to do so. I have a similar situation with my physical health, which would likely deteriorate with pregnancy - my therapist said to me ‘imagine what a burden that could be for a child - to perhaps feel and see as it gets old that mum’s declining health was so I could come into the world’ - and that made me really see it all quite differently. Have compassion for yourself OP. There is a meaningful life to be had out there and it doesn’t have to include your own children.
Squiggally-umf@reddit
I feel sad sometimes as I feel that my choice to not have children is not entirely my choice and more a duty to stop the cycle.
My mum was beaten viciously by her father while growing up. She stopped contact with her dad after leaving home and in turn her mother cut contact with her because she chose to stand by her husband no matter what.
My dad was a violent bully and he attacked both me and my mum. My suffered with depression mum and she blamed me for “setting him off” after he attacked her. She went into survival mode and sacrificed me to him in order to protect herself. When I left home I cut off contact with my dad but still wanted some kind of relationship with my mum. She said to me “I will always be loyal to my husband.” My mum never hugged me or showed affection because our priorities were to read his moods and try to prepare our best for whatever excuse he had for punching and strangling (sometimes he was drunk, sometimes his football team lost, sometimes he wasn’t happy with dinner!
I suffer with depression and I know first hand how awful it is to see your mum just lying down, not wanting to to feeling able to do much and his being cold, numb, with no show of care or affection at all.
I think that would be me and so I think it would be kinder to not have a child than risk them going through what I and my mum had to go through.
Maverick_Heathen@reddit
46 still pretty happy about the decision it looks way too much work. 😄
Correct_Elk2320@reddit
47 always knew I won’t be doing that. Very happy and independent.
Flaky-Delivery-8460@reddit
Yeah no health concerns here. Just didn't want any kids.
Retired at 40 it's bloody amazing.
Correct_Elk2320@reddit
No! My friends now usually are at a stage second kid who is a teenager now. God no, the unexpected spending, ridic hassle and inability to control their actions, tech bros and roght wing media screwing up the best of them. My very well educated friend recently expressed concern with her son repeating what he heard on social media as his own words, obviously they debate it openly trying to guide them the best they can but it is very hard. Kids see horrific things on these phones from a very young age and there is no Way of knowing of how this will turn out. I just did not want all these risks and struggle as more likely than not you will end up a single parent even if married.
corickle@reddit
I don’t want any children because I worry I’m going to turn out like my parents (who shouldn’t have been allowed to have children). I see it as saving the next generation a lot of trauma.
__ElonMusk@reddit
I felt this exact way and someone told me I could be the one to break the chain.... And I did ♥️
corickle@reddit
That’s heartwarming to hear but I just couldn’t take the risk.
corickle@reddit
I don’t want any children because I worry I’m going to turn out like my parents (who shouldn’t have been allowed to have children). I see it as saving the next generation a lot of trauma.
Embarrassed_Ad7378@reddit
Hey I’m also 27F, I’m with my fella of 8 years who I plan on spending the rest of my life with, we have a lovely home and just enjoy each others company and doing whatever the fuck we want. Pretty much all our friends have a child or are expecting, and we’re always asked when are we next and I honestly don’t see any redeeming reason to have a child. We are the fun auntie and uncle for all our friends kids. I openly tell my friends I’m too selfish, I enjoy my peace and quiet, and getting out of bed when I want on a weekend.
I’m currently on a journey of self love and sorting my brain out as I suffer from all kinda moods and bad thoughts I bottle up and I too sometimes get these terrible thoughts of what sort of mother I’d be … maybe when I’ve got some of my thoughts and feelings out I might be kinder to myself but for now I couldn’t bare putting another person through that
Big hugs!
Clarebroccolibee@reddit
No literally never. Having kids sounds like hell to me
Faye-Lockwood@reddit
Maybe every day.
I've wanted kids since I was pretty much 4 years old, I always assumed it would happen eventually, but I can't be a mother, I just... can't let it happen.
Not because I'm infertile (though at this point, I might be) but because I can't keep my depression in check, and I can't seem to stay drug-free for longer than 1.5 years at a time, and even if relapse wasn't a constant struggle- I've got a progressive nerve disease wrecking my body.
I know that I can't be a good mother with those issues, hell, if my kid ended up being disabled too, how am I supposed to look after them when I'm losing control of my arms and legs myself?
At this point, I'm finding myself just... hoping there's a life after this one? and maybe next time I won't have such terrible demons making me an unstable person, maybe next time I'll get dealt a better hand.
Key_Produce2617@reddit
I have a friend who’s 40 and he couldn’t be happier.
ilovecats_49201@reddit
Hi, I also have mental health problems which are pretty bad, and autism (and physical illness too). All my life I’ve wanted to be a mother but for years now (I’m 23) I’ve felt like it’s not something I think I could manage.
I feel devastated but it’s a weird one because if I really don’t end up having children, I think honestly yes I’d “regret” it… in a sense. But that also I think I’d make my peace with it. I’m sure I’ll grieve the life I will never have if I don’t have children and be completely heartbroken but I trust that I’ll find some peace, find other ways to nurture and feel fulfilled and I think I’ll be okay.
I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful I just wanted to share my thoughts since I’m kind of in a similar predicament.
CountryBulky7105@reddit
In before 99 people curiously desperate to day “no regrets”
EnvironmentalMine194@reddit
One day, I thought to myself ' hmm I wonder if I'll ever regret not having children. ' Walked into Aldi later than day.
Greeted with a screaming child, who wouldn't sit in the trolley.
Nope changed my mind.
Killybug@reddit
You can’t truly regret something if you have no idea what magical moments parenting a child can provide. As a pet owner and a parent, sorry guys but owning a dog or a cat doesn’t even come close to being a worthy substitute.
ClarifyingMe@reddit
Never. And when I watch miserable people have kids thinking it'll help and being more miserable I feel so sad for the kids. Terrible.
theegrimrobe@reddit
im not a father, i have no desire to be a father. I can barely take care of myself and that is sometimes a stretch with my mental state
i also consider bringing a child into this mess of a world to be pretty selfish.
Automatic_Banana5780@reddit
No.I'm 58 now and have never ever wanted children.No regrets
DependentWise9303@reddit
I am going to be 42 in August. I never felt the ‘pull’- I wasn’t pro or against. Until I hit 40. Currently preparing for my 3rd IVF retrieval and it seems to be the most important thing in my life.
I regret not freezing embryos with my husband. That being said I don’t think I was mature enough or patient enough until maybe 38-39 and I tell myself I did the best with what I know.
I have a yearning for a child. I hope if this doesn’t happen for me I can accept it with grace.
Life has been tough until recently
hide_in_plain_sight_@reddit
Childfree not out of choice but because I couldn’t afford to raise one :( Struggling with cost of living as it is let alone with a little one around.
CeleryEastern8993@reddit
Not what you asked for, but: I have children and I feel sad about it. The state of the world has made me wish I never brought them into it, and the indescribable love I feel for them doesn't fix that. I don't think many people who are child free by choice come to regret it, and I believe it is far better to regret not having them somewhere down the line, than having them and feeling bad about it (for whatever reason).
bababababoos@reddit
Yep!!
I spent most of my life not wanting kids, not a single maternal bone in my body. Then I met someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I guess my hormones reacted to that to the point I 'needed' a baby.
Absolutely the best thing I've ever done. In my own inner circle of life.
But also, oh my god what the fuck have I done? I'm gonna pass on at some point, I don't personally anticipate some wonderful change of events that improves the standard of living for everybody in the near future. What's this poor child of mine going to be up against? Ughhhhh...
Previous-Ostrich844@reddit
I totally get this and agree with it. I have two children aged 11 and 8 and feel so worried about what sort of life / opportunity they will have. It’s a horrible feeling.
Budget_Dot694@reddit
thank you for your honesty
elliottj6325@reddit
I think you are 100% not selfish, but incredibly considered, to recognise your own mental health may impact your ability as a parent. I'm sure you would make an excellent parent, but equally appreciate you know yourself well enough to make the right choice.
Many people don't think as far ahead as you have done and in turn have children and don't give them the home they need. Good for you!
Sorry I'm responding as actually I am a parent, but many of my friends are childless and none as yet regret their decision (I'm in my 40s)
Adventurous_Bears@reddit
Society likes to tell women that children = worth, or purpose. It’s a crock. Not everyone has the capacity to raise a child, or even wants to. It’s not about being self centred or selfish, thats just another societal pressure. It’s about personal choice and there’s no shame in making a choice for yourself and your health.
No one can predict what they’ll eventually regret, no one has a crystal ball we can only make the best decisions with the info we have at the time. It’s totally normal to feel sad, or some sense of loss at your decision. It’s also totally okay to change your mind later in life too. :)
BoysenberryTiny8138@reddit
Society also tells man that their bloodline is going to die if they don’t have a kid (specifically a boy) but that doesn’t fit the narrative so you keep on going mate
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
The man doesn’t have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, all that comes after, and then likely have to raise the child once the dad dips because all they wanted out of creating an entire new human was ‘continuing their bloodline’, despite being an irrelevant loser and not the 18th Century king they think they are
BoysenberryTiny8138@reddit
Mad how you just shit on all men but that doesn’t fit the narrative so keep on going.
jiggjuggj0gg@reddit
Did you take your medication today
BoysenberryTiny8138@reddit
Bro check what the OP is said, THEY haven’t taken their meds, I’m a normal dude who just points out double standards, madness out here, literally a mentally ill person and you telling me I’m sick 😭😭😭😂😂😭 fucking apastics
BoysenberryTiny8138@reddit
Op also has the name “bigpussystance” but that doesn’t fit the narrative SO KEEP ON GOING.
cvslfc123@reddit
I'm 34 and the idea of raising another human being for at least 18 years terrifies me.
noddyneddy@reddit
Not for one single moment and I am now in my sixties. If you want to spend time with children ( I do enjoy their company sometimes) then you can always find one to be around, but then you can give them back to their parents and forget about them.
helloperoxide@reddit
I was always indifferent to having kids. I never thought I’d ever be that person to have a relationship that kids would come from. I’ve been married 10 years this year and said we’d wait til I was 30 to have them. We had a great time just us exploring the world and making memories before that. My husband is an equal parent which definitely helps.
I’m currently pregnant with my third son and I do have depression, anxiety and PTSD from birth trauma. I’m a good mother, I am able to talk about feelings and mental health with my kids the way nobody ever did for me. They are very expressive of how they feel. But I suppose a lot of people don’t think about how the pregnancy and birth experience can cause mental health issues by itself and could make you even worse. I’m experiencing a lot of disassociation this pregnancy and it’s like a countdown to reliving my traumatic birth. This time I’m being sterilised as well. My other 2 were born during lockdown 16 months apart which was another struggle with lack of support. I don’t regret having kids but there’s certainly lots of factors people don’t even think about that can come from it. There’s no rush to make a choice either way
bahumat42@reddit
I wonder what could be sometimes, and then my logic kicks in and reminds me that I don't even take very good care of myself, providing for another human life is basically a non-starter.
h00dman@reddit
I'm 38. I love my nieces and I like rolling around on the floor and wrestling with them, and when I take them to the playground there seems to be something about me that attracts other kids to come and play with me too.
I just don't have ambitions to have children of my own.
I really hope I don't end up regretting that. I can easily see me ending up on my own at Christmas and birthdays, and other traditional "family get together" events, and that thought makes me sad.
I just get very stressed out when I have people in my personal space too long.
feckarse-drinkgirls@reddit
With my shitass genetics I'd rather adopt if im ever in the right place to have kids tbh
Key-Seaworthiness227@reddit
R/childfree
letsgetevil66@reddit
No I’m 35 and I get more comfortable with my decision the older I get I have no regrets to worries about not having kids . I love my peaceful quiet life
InkedDoll1@reddit
Nope. I'm 51 and so glad I never bowed to societal pressure. Love my peaceful life.
Arizonal0ve@reddit
Why is it selfish? It really isn’t.
First of all, you’re own wellbeing is the utmost important and that’s not selfish at all.
Secondly, as a 37 year old childfree person (and I knew i didn’t want children all my life i couldn’t even explain why as a young girl i just “felt” it) I can tell you that the last few years I’ve become a better more thoughtful person than i believe i would be as an overextended parent. I am much more mindful and able to remember people’s “difficult” days such as when a loved one has passed, I have time to cook and bake and share with neighbors or friends, i’ve been available for emergencies at a moments notice etc. So no, I’m not exactly selfish.
But at the same time i’m in the pursuit of my happiness and husbands and children are not a part of that.
I believe we”ll never regret it, we made a decision years ago and we are cherishing every day we have and try and make the most of our short time here on earth.
Skanedog@reddit
I always wanted kids, I felt I would be a good dad and I would have loved the opportunity.
But I'm gay, so growing up I realised it was going to be nigh on impossible for me to ever have them or meet someone else who wanted to have them. Different nowadays for younger gay couples, but I'm too old for that now.
We all want different things, not all of us can have them. It's doesn't make any of us more or less of a valid person or mean that we lead more or less of a "successful" life.
In the grand scheme I think the goal is just tomleave the world a bit better than you came into it, however you do it, and whatever your family looks like.
Unstableavo@reddit
Im 29. Like you I had severe mental health issues mainly as a teen. It was so bad. I genuinely don't know how I survived. But I got better. Life is good. I refuse to have a kid because I know I won't cope at all & I'm not bringing them into the world to suffer as autism & mental health is hereditary. It ends with me.
FilmFanatic1066@reddit
34 here and no, I love living life exclusively on my terms
fatknits@reddit
39 now. I knew I didn't want children since I was very little. I would never be mean to a child, but I do not enjoy their company and I doubt that would change if I were related to one. I don't have a lot of patience and empathy is something I struggle with (autistic and schizophrenic), this would be very unfair for a kid. Also I just love having my own space, my peace, my hobbies. I wouldn't have a child if you paid me.
Wonder_Shrimp@reddit
Zero regrets.
I have no interest in raising a child. Zero. Too many people in the world have children just because that's what you're 'supposed' to do and that's no good for anyone
feetflatontheground@reddit
No regrets. It's more like the opposite. I feel quite confident that I made the right choice.
Ready_Perspective_95@reddit
41, married 5 years and together for 18. We've both always been on the same page about being child free, I've never even considered it. I love my nieces and friend's kids but definitely not for me. My husband and I say at least once a week 'thank god we didn't have kids'! Absolutely happy with our choice.
lavayuki@reddit
I never wanted kids since I was a kid, I always never had an interest in kids. They look cute, but they seem difficulty and annoying to actually raise. It's like getting a cute puppy for Christmas, I just don't want to deal with the rainy days of child raising.
I also do not have a maternal instinct so I would probably not take care of them properly anyway, so best not have them at all if you can't care for them.
3speechnotallowed@reddit
Never. I'm 34, partner is 36. We both agree we don't want to bring a child into this cruel world. We would only consider it if we were wealthy enough to set them up for life without being a wage slave until they're 70.
mincedhalloumi@reddit
I'm 33, husband is 38 and has had a vasectomy so definitely no children happening here.
I don't regret it (although I'm occasionally still told I will in time). My marriage is happy and healthy, I mostly enjoy my career and my dog brings me a lot of joy. I have a good relationship with my family and I'm really close with my sister and, in turn, her three children. I love them immensely but I also love going back to my peaceful home when I've spent time with them! My life still feels very full of love and purpose.
I have no doubt that I'd love my child if I had one (I even think my husband and I would be decent parents) but I've just never felt compelled to become a mother. I'm happy as I am 🙂
CrossCityLine@reddit
I’d rather regret not having kids (I very much don’t), than ever regret having them.
Dry-Depth-4693@reddit
Turned 40 back in Feb, no kids and never had any plans. My mum reminds me often that I’ve been that way since I was little.
I don’t dislike children, I just don’t have the mentality to want to deal with them. I’m happy being around family and friend’s children and then coming home to quiet.
Occasionally, I’ll watch or read something about kids in the system and part of me considers being a foster parent. Then I remember my reasons for not wanting kids and honestly I’m happy with my decision.
Too often we’re told we should want to have kids, problem is, why should we bring a child into our world when we aren’t 100% behind that. It’s not fair. If we aren’t in the right place then it’ll affect the child
Gold-Creme-9597@reddit
This is EXACTLY how I feel. And same about fostering too.
I think you should only have children if you really really want them, and have thought long and hard about it. I have a lot of friends who have not dug that deep and dont love being parents and everything they've had to give up, so I'm thankful I have done that work and recognise I love kids, but parenting is 100% not for me. I've never regretted it, nearly 40 and very happy.
It's a myth that not having kids means you are selfish, my so called 'maternal instinct' comes out in many other ways, I think it's selfish to have kids just for the sake of it, especially if you're not 100% committed to doing a good job.
MadWifeUK@reddit
Childfree doesn't mean there are no children in your life. Mr Mad and I are childfree sort of by choice (we decided we weren't going to use ART). We have 9 niblings who we absolutely adore. And best of all, we are the fun aunt and uncle! We get all the brilliant parts of watching these little people grow and develop into big people and it's honestly amazing. We also have 5 bonus niblings (friends' kids).
But we aren't held to any kid's schedules. We can go on holiday whenever we want, we purposefully don't take any annual leave during school holidays! Our house is clean and tidy, apart from the cat fur, and it's quiet most of the year (except for the week the niblings stay, during which it's glorious chaos). We aren't struggling for money, we aren't shouting "Where are your shoes?!" and we leave the house on time for everything.
PsychologicalDish430@reddit
45, no never regretted.
Khaleesi1536@reddit
Nope, I got sterilised 2 years ago (31F now). Everything about pregnancy, childbirth, and raising kids looks like a horror show to me, never wanted any part of it.
Purrtymeow04@reddit
nope. some of my co-workers are miserable having to juggle everything and loose sleep taking care of their children
Slapped91@reddit
Fuck NO
dormant-plants@reddit
I'm 35. I recently found out my ex-husband has like 4 or 5 kids with his new wife (didn't stop to count hahaha). When I tell you the relief I felt knowing that was not my life... I have a lot of regrets in my life, but staying child-free has never been one.
ScreenOk1746@reddit
I might feel worse about it if the world wasn't a shit show. Why would I bring a child into the world that hates them for the color of their skin? Let alone the environmental issues. We would be leaving them a giant mess, especially since the inevitability of a World War.
CursedCatLady@reddit
Mid 30’s woman here. I have decided not to have children due to mental illness, physical health issues that have a 50/50 chance of each child inheriting, I spent a lot of my childhood caring for a disabled younger brother, and the fact that I barely manage to look after all my basic needs every day.
I do feel sad sometimes because if none of the issues above were present I may consider it.
But then I see the news and honestly don’t want to bring another innocent life into the shitshow of the current world that only seems to be getting worse.
PomPomBumblebee@reddit
No regrets.
Just sad that my mum really hoped to be a grandma someday and she didn't end up being one because both her daughters didn't want/ couldn't have kids.
Sea_Cue@reddit
I am 42f and I don’t feel sad or regretful at all, but I do sometimes wonder what life might have been like. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I really recommend reading the article The Ghost Ships That Do Not Get to Carry Us.
cgknight1@reddit
50 - had no interest from day one. People have asked me about it more than I have thought about it myself.
Bubble-Master96@reddit
It’s okay to feel sad about your decision, whilst it still being the right one. My sister was similar to you (she’s since passed).
She did want children, but she made the decision that due to her mental health and rather chaotic life style it wasn’t the right decision for her to have children. It made her sad, but she knew it was right. Maybe if circumstances were different, children would have been right. It feels the same for you. In different circumstances, maybe it would be right but for the now and how you explained no kids genuinely feels like the best move.
It’s actually the opposite of a selfish move, even whilst feeling sad you know what’s right and are choosing not to bring a child into this world not only for your sake but also for the sake of the child. Thats not selfish.
Hope things improve for your mental health as the years go on. Also remember that 27 is still young, women have children well into their 40s. Your decision doesn’t have to be final, and it doesn’t have to be now. See where life takes you. If you change your mind there’s still options, and if you don’t then you know you made the right decision for you /)
coconut-gal@reddit
Yes I made a similar decision, despite (in the abstract sense) wanting to have kids. It's probably the least selfish decision I ever made.
bigpussystance@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately I think with my depression, it will be final. It gets so intense and severe that it wouldn’t be fair to put that on a child.
jaimefay@reddit
I guess you could call me child free by choice, in that I am physically capable of becoming pregnant and there is a reasonable possibility that both myself and a child would survive pregnancy and birth.
However, I'm severely disabled by both physical and mental health conditions, and I'm neurodivergent. Most of my conditions are either directly heritable or have a strong genetic component. I barely survive working part time and, being blunt, have a pretty shitty quality of life. My husband cares for me and I also have a professional, paid caregiver come in daily.
I probably could raise a child if I was absolutely desperate to and could give up every single other thing in my life, including work. However, what I couldn't do, even then, is raised a child well or meet my own standards for what a parent should be.
So, no kids for me.
Do I regret it? Not exactly. "Regret" isn't really the right word. I wish I'd had more choice. I wish I'd had the true freedom to decide whether I wanted a child, without already having based the decision on whether I should have a child.
I don't feel like I got to choose. Even though I might well choose not to have a child anyway... I'll never really know, because I didn't get to choose.
BOrdinary01@reddit
I didn't for mental health reasons. I dont regret it, I'm exhausted and have only just started healing.
From what I can see its bloody hard being a parent, even when everything is done right it can still go horribly wrong.
Fine_Analyst_4408@reddit
I'm 38 this year and very happy with my decision not to have children. I've had intense baby fever a few times that were a bitch to get through and typically result in me getting a new pet. A healthy body is going to want to reproduce regardless of what your personal feelings are and it can really cloud your judgement. I know my mental health isn't suitable for me to be the kind of mother I would want to be and it's quite clearly genetic on my end. My husband is also a mental health disaster and the kindest thing we could do for our children is not have them. I'll continue to have very well loved pets instead.
ceb1995@reddit
I'm a parent so not child free but actually I think it's very responsible of you to have recognised it's not the right choice for you at the moment.
Although people with mental health issues, do have children pregnancy can make those worse and some medications have to be specifically managed during it so I don't think you're selfish at all really.
Neither is anyone else who decides they can't or shouldn't or don't want to have kids, any reason is enough in my book.
NapalmSword@reddit
I’m mid 40’s male and while I don’t have regrets, very occasionally I see how good it would feel to do father-son stuff. I never really had a relationship with my dad and missed out on a lot of that. My main reason for not having kids was the fear of being a bad parent and wondering if I really wanted to bring someone into this shitshow of a world we live in. If there had been smart phones and social media back when I was at school I don’t think I would have coped.
getmyhousecoat@reddit
I have bipolar and before my meds I would've felt the same but bipolar is very treatable if not one of the most treatable and I haven't had an episode in nearly 6 years , my mum was also bipolar and she only had 2 full manic episodes and 1 mixed one but she died at 45, I feel very happy I have kids but I know 100% extremely well that I do not want another every again I know that im done and there's no way id ever change my mind I imagine that's how people feel in the first place who dont want kids , kids is one of those things when you dont want them or want more kids you just really really know for sure, im very glad I have my 2 and I would go back and do it over a million times for them but I do not want more, its very personal only you know if you want kids or not
Cha_r_ley@reddit
I’m 39, childfree by choice - decided about 10 years ago it wasn’t for me - and I regret NOTHING.
I like sleeping in late and being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. That’s not a lifestyle that’s super suited to raising kids.
I also don’t have awesome mental health and I did have concerns that I would just pass on neuroses and anxiety to any kids I had - that was definitely a factor.
It’s not that I don’t like children - my sister has a toddler - a little boy - I would walk through fire for my nephew, I love him SO much. At some point I realised that I didn’t need to have kids of my own to have kids in my life.
When I was in my late twenties, I said to my partner that I love the life we have and asked if it would bother him if we didn’t have kids. He said no, and we’ve never looked back.
OnTurtlesAndThings@reddit
I'm 40F with a history of mental health issues, when I was young I desperately wanted children but it's only really the last two years my mental health has been in a position that I believe I would be capable of properly caring for a child. But it's also the first time I can enjoy life and I'm not sure I particularly want to risk upsetting things when I feel like I'm only just settling myself into stability.
Sometimes I feel sad I haven't and am unlikely to have children, but other times I appreciate the freedom I have. I don't think I'd have been capable of having it earlier so I don't really dwell on having missed my opportunity.
I guess I sometimes worry if I will regret it in future not trying for a baby now but we would be quite old parents (my partner is closer to 50 than 40), but I don't regret not having had children before now because I know in my heart I wasn't mentally able to.
sound-of-the-river@reddit
I do not. A few years into marriage we tried for a bit, probably because we were just doing what we thought we were supposed to do, but it didn’t take and I’ve never looked back. It was partly easier to accept because I have a mental illness that also runs in my partner’s family that I would not want o put on another human (bipolar - not the worst but definitely not fun often enough). I love being an auntie to cousins’ and friends’ children and find joy in my life in many others ways. Motherhood was never a driver or front of mind for me - there are so many ways to find happiness and satisfaction, and I hope you find yours too!
SignificanceHead9957@reddit
Not really. In my 40's I was wistful for about ten minutes bit other than that I've not regretted having no kids.
Jerico_Hill@reddit
40 year old woman here. I'm very much experiencing my body's last ditch attempt to get pregnant. I definitely have a little biological clock in here somewhere, whispering at me.
I've softened to children and parents in general and I have a lot more time and patience for them.
However I'm still completely childfree and happy to be so. I love my family, but I don't think there's much worth preserving in our genetic material. I'm somewhat of a fluke, quite frankly.
pulledporktaco@reddit
I’m 56 years old and I had a very brief period of broody feelings around age 39/40. It passed quickly, and at that time I was definitely not situated to support kids so it’s just as well. I have not regretted missing out on kids. I also have mental health issues which are probably hereditary, but the main reason is I just don’t want them. I don’t understand why anyone has them nowadays, considering what a mess the environment is sliding into.
Flat_Development6659@reddit
We're still fairly young (31 & 26) so maybe we will change our minds down the line but I kinda doubt it. Having money, freedom, adequate sleep, a tidy home seems etc seems to outweigh the positives.
Stinkinhippy@reddit
Very very rarely i'll lament not having a kid to take out biking with me. That's about it.
CellistLow8857@reddit
Same! And then I remember how much my niblings hate pedalling and tend to be grumpy af whenever we take them out on the bikes and how my sibling basically can’t go out on their bike 90% of the time we do because of swimming lessons/drama/gymnastics/scouts and I realise yeah I’m quite happy with my decision!
Stinkinhippy@reddit
Yup, my mates son is just getting into biking, so have had a blast teaching him the basics of pump tracks and watching him progress.. as close as I really need to get to be honest.
SatanicWaxyGlee@reddit
I'm 56 and child free by choice. I have never regretted it. I went through a period in my 30s where I was aware I wanted a baby but I was also aware that I only wanted the baby (I think babies are adorable) and didn't really want 1. 18 years of responsibility (minimum) 2 the amount of work that comes with them 3 a non-baby baby( ie ages 1 to 18). I was lucky enough to witness several shitty relationships around me, with dad's that did fuck all and I could not have stomached that for myself. I'm a very resentful type. I'll look after myself until I can't and then I'll die. I'm happy with it and feel relieved that I was able to have the choice not to.
BrittEklandsStuntBum@reddit
No, because anyone who brings a child into this capitalist nightmare on this dying planet is the selfish one.
Serious-Comment5458@reddit
I'm 35 and childfree. I'm one of the many millennials who opted for a dog instead.
I have a 6 month nephew and I absolutely adore him, and some of my friends have had kids recently and I genuinely like spending time with them. I think there's a misconception that being childfree means you don't like children.
In moments when I'm around these kids I do sometimes question whether I am doing the right thing. But for me, unless I'm 100% sure, I'm not going to pursue that because it isn't a decision I can walk away from if it turns out I don't like what my life has become, and that's not fair on a child. Plus, I think everyone thinks about the perfect scenario with a healthy child, but that isn't guaranteed.
I have decided that if that feeling becomes stronger, I'll look into fostering, or maybe even adoption someday. Never liked the idea of giving birth anyway.
serpentandivy@reddit
no. it’s not selfish to live life how you want. i unashamedly want the time and resources to spend on just myself and my partner. and that’s ok.
and same goes for those who want/choose to have children. both should be treated with the same energy - both are valid choices, there are no right or wrongs.
my partner and i have always said it’s better to regret not having kids rather than have them, an regret them. if the urge strikes down the line, we have talked about fostering. but ultimately, there’s so much i want to do an kids don’t fit that lifestyle for me.
Spicymargx@reddit
Mid 30s and zero regret. As I watch my friends have children, it solidifies my decision every time. Children are a blessing, but motherhood sounds like hell on earth.
BrittEklandsStuntBum@reddit
Anyone who brings a child into this capitalist nightmare on this dying planet is the selfish one.
AskUK-ModTeam@reddit
A top level comment (one that is not a reply) should be a good faith and genuine attempt to answer the question.
MrGrogu26@reddit
Dying planet 😂
BrittEklandsStuntBum@reddit
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1.5-degree_target#Achievability
No-Technician6685@reddit
It literally is, will be fine eventually when humans go, but weve brought about a current mass extinction
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