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spit_fiya@reddit

My kid moved to another country right out of college. The bottom fell out due to covid and he had to move back home. When he asked if he could move back, of course I said yes. But it comes with strings. I, don't clean the kitchen anymore. Don't care if I cook or not, I don't clean. I don't vacuum, you do your own laundry. And, you have to get i job. I have to pay to live here and you don't get to live here for free. He came back, had fiund a job (not what he wanted or planned, again, due to covid) in 3 months and was move out. I had to work to get weekday I have and he needs to work to have things too. 4 years later, he bought his 1st house. He's a saver too! We did good by him, out there adulting all by himself.

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Few-Pineapple-5632@reddit

Same in Europe.

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Downtown_Badger4256@reddit

20 yrs old still lives at home. Took a gap year and is working full time. Doesnt plan to to go to school right now as he likes making bank and is looking to do a few evening courses. We will charge him a nominal fee for rent starting in June, he’s been working one year and saving but now it’s time. If he wants to order door dash he pays for it. He bought a new phone but he’s still on our plan. With the rental market being insane it makes no sense to throw away money that he could be saving towards his future.
He can stay as long as he contributes and pitches in around the house. I don’t mind bexause he’s a good kid and letting him live here will help him in his future. By the time he’s 25 he will have a great down payment for a home which is a gift in itself these days

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DazzlingNote1925@reddit

If they’re in school I wouldn’t charge them rent. They should have to have a summer job so they can have their own spending money.

If they’re working or earning money while learning a trade then I would just charge them a few hundred per month and help them save for their own house one day.

The rules that worked for me were that their rooms are their space and they can keep them how they want. (When younger my policy was they had to keep their floors cleared). I don’t go in their rooms without permission. They do their own laundry and clean their bathrooms. I do the grocery shopping (included in their rent). If I’m not cooking I try to text them so they can plan to cook or grab something. I always have foods they like and they know how to cook. I like to know if they’re going to be home for dinner so I don’t cook a meal for two hours the no one shows up. But the older they get I just cook for all of us and if they’re hungry at the same time I am we eat together and if not it’s in the fridge. There’s no requirement for them to have family dinners but I ask them in advance if I’m having one along with my child that lives away. We give each other a heads up about our plans or guests but it’s more of a come and go as you please rather than a permission deal.

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GrookeyFan_16@reddit

Well, mine are still teenagers with some extra challenges so I expect them to be at home for many more years. We fully expect them to live at home while they complete college or get started in a career.

We’d LOVE for them to be independent and fully self supporting by 25 but realize the roommate life may not be a good fit for them and rent is so expensive. But if they aren’t in school they will be expected to contribute some “rent” and start taking over their own bills.

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Existing-Joke3994@reddit

I think a lot of the parents commenting here would benefit from watching the latest season of Shrinking. Including you OP. The show has a lot of meaningful life advice.

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OverMlMs@reddit

We have a 19 year old son, soon turning 20. He has no immediate plans to move out and we don’t have any plans to make him. We love having him around but just wish he’d be a bit more independent (totally our fault). As far as rent is concerned, after living in an u fair situation when I was a young adult where I was charged rent by my parents and my brother was not, I do t see us charging him rent. We’d rather he puts money into savings and retirement while he’s getting his certifications.

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If you charge enough rent, they will soon get the message.

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SaltySnail22@reddit

If they don’t, I will. 😜

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Goodtimes4Goodpeople@reddit

26f and 23m. Both moved out about 22. Daughter married in 24, son married in 25. Son purchasing a house now, daughter back in college for her degree but they plan to buy in 2 years. Neither will move back home, though they would be welcome.

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Few-Pineapple-5632@reddit

I have 3 early 20s kids, girl and two boys. They have all been required to pay a small amount of rent since graduating high school if they are working and not in school of some type. One of the boys moved out at 22 with his girlfriend. The girl, now 23 may move out this year with her boyfriend and will probably get married in a year or so. The youngest, now 21, is high functioning spectrum and will probably live at home but eventually put a tiny house on our property for which he will have to pay his share of utilities.

My kids are all welcome to come back any time they need to, even with spouses and children, under the same requirements of some rent if not in school. My father (79) may have to move into a tiny house on my property or an addition at some point.

I don’t mind and would even welcome a multigenerational household. I want my children to always feel welcome. My husband’s family was the same though mine was absolutely not, nor did I ever want to “go home”.

A few years ago, we needed a new washer and I suggested we could get a smaller stacked set because the kids would be leaving. My husband laughed and said “this house will never be empty of kids”.

I hope that is true.

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fated_ink@reddit

My youngest is still at home at 25. She graduated hs right before Covid and decided to work a gap year before going to community college. Except that the pandemic hit and she’d just finished up seasonal work and was looking for a job. We told her to put off working until things settled down with Covid. My middle child who’d been in college for a couple years had to come home and finish his degree online. He moved out a couple years ago, but my daughter has remained at home and is unemployed. She’s had some health issues and severe anxiety that we’ve been trying to help her manage. She did find community online in her gaming interests and made some wonderful friends who’ve kept her sane during a lot of setbacks. However it quickly became her life of choice. She is a digital artist and makes money off commissions, primarily in the gamer community. We don’t charge her rent but she does help around the house a lot.

My husband is worried about her employment future but with the state of the economy rn even well educated folks w substantial work histories are struggling to find jobs. Our son has two degrees and ended up working at Starbucks for 4 year before finding better job w benefits. It’s just impossible to expect kids to afford an independent life now.

Other cultures embrace multigenerational living and while we didn’t expect to have kids still home at this point in our lives, it’s not terrible. If anything, it helps them avoid the insane pressure of endless work just to survive and it helps us as we’re getting older and can’t do things the way we used to. It’s all in how you make it work. Ultimately you have to decide what you’re ok with. And talk to your kid. Set expectations. But for us, we’ve come to realize that the way our parents made us feel like burdens when they barely guided us into adulthood is not something we are willing to repeat. All our kids will have a free place to stay and food to eat. More than that they can fund themselves. But we refuse to turn our kids out into this insane world just because that’s how it’s been done before. We’re the ones who decided to have children. They’re our responsibility to protect and support, throughout their lives. That’s just our take on it. YMMV.

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mystery_biscotti@reddit

Probably he won't.

That's fine though. Multigenerational households were the norm before the Boomers. He does chores, he takes care of his cats, he works. Generally it's getting better for him, but not sure what's happening with the disabled girlfriend. She might have decided she's not interested and is just being polite not to say.

And honestly? With his autism and lack of friend support nearby, how would he afford it in our hcol area without splitting rent with three friends, two of which who'd immediately lose their jobs and freeload?

Whatever. 🤷‍♀️

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Euphoric-Role-7170@reddit

Wow, just wow.

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cpom71@reddit

My 23-year old son lives at home. He is planning to move out this summer. The deal was to live at home for one year, and save money, then move in with his girlfriend. Looks like it will work out that way.

jk_pens@reddit

70 years is a ridiculously short time for society, not sure why you think otherwise.

And I’m not saying hard work isn’t a good thing, but society is no longer structured to make hard work enough.

Here’s just one indicator: from 1975 to 1995 median home price to median income ratio was about 3. Today it is about double that, and much higher in some markets in the US.

In addition to housing, the costs of education and healthcare have skyrocketed over the past 50+ years.

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wyohman@reddit

For the American society, 75 years is about 40%. I consider that significant.

There's no doubt that education and Healthcare have been going up for a long time. The housing increase is mostly a function of the enormous housing inavailability left over from 2008, then amplified by COVID. NIMBYs from all parties stifle the ability to create more affordable housing and many of the corporate construction companies have little desire to lower their margins.

Thank you for using median as the measure since average hides real problems.

I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't contributing to the house hold income, I respected my folks too much to even consider living there for free.

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Curious_41427@reddit

My kids have always had to pay their own way. It’s what I had to do and it made me self sufficient so it’s what I did with my kids. You want to drive? Save money, buy a beater car, reimburse me for your insurance and pay your own gas. Want a cell phone? Pay for it and reimburse me for your line on my plan. Which means they started working at 14 & 15. I always said that if the went to college, they could live at home without paying rent. But if they weren’t in school, they had to pay rent.

My oldest went to community college and then to university and graduated with a BS, with honors (with no student debt) while running their own business - that same business they started at 14. Didn’t pay rent since they were in school. Two months after graduating, they started paying rent and 2 years later, they still live at home and still pay rent while also contributing to other parts of keeping up with household chores, etc.

Human_Copy_4355@reddit

I have one that's moved out and one that's saving to move out (don't need to tell anyone how expensive housing is). I still have 2 in high school and one in elementary school.

Teenage laziness-- their chores need to be tied to privileges. Whether that's gaming or going out with friends, household chores need to be done first.

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SquirlyJester@reddit

4 boys... 2 teens, 1 late 20's, 1 early 30's. The oldest boomeranged... then left after he thought the Army was where he needed to be... got married after basic during covid... neither took. They now live 8 hours away. The 2 teens, I have confidence that they will move out. One is shopping for colleges, the other will start next year. The late 20's, there's no way in hell he's ever moving out unless one of his brothers takes him in as a personal live in chef. He can cook, smart as a whip, but it is all about Pokémon cards, Magic the Gathering, and online gaming: nothing productive.

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gmoney1259@reddit

They moved out. Came back. I charge a little rent just to keep em honest. I hope they stay as long as they want. I want them to be happy and save money until they start their own families.

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RedditWidow@reddit

I have two daughters in their 20s. They both lived at home while attending college. One moved out when she got engaged (she's married now). The other still lives with us. Yes, they outgrew acting like teenagers when they started going to college, around the time they stopped being teenagers. We never charged rent but they're required to clean their own rooms and shared bathroom, do their own laundry and care for their cats.

We have a rule in our house that if someone cooks dinner, everyone else does the clean up. So, sometimes they cook meals, sometimes they do dishes and clean up the kitchen. Other than that, we all help each other and help around the house, as needed.

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Ummbnb@reddit

Both are out of the house. Recent college grad has a good job and lives in a house with two roommates. He moved home after graduation in May and I gave him until the end of the year to either move out or pay me rent.

Other is a junior in college and lives at home her first two years. Now has an apartment with a roommate. After graduation she’ll have the same option….welcome home with six months to figure it out or pay me rent.

After the youngest is actually launched we’re downsizing and likely moving away from the city. Hubs is retired and I retire in a couple years, hopefully.

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KratomAndBeyond@reddit

Nah, this generation is too worried about spending $5000 at Coachella LOL....Jk.... it is crazy expensive out there, but honestly priorities do matter. You can't always have the latest phones and accessories.

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General_Ad_6617@reddit

My three adult children live with me. One had moved out twice and back in twice. The rent is too damn high out there!

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Dramatic_Net1706@reddit

Staying at your parents place, and being dependent on them are two different things. Once kids grow up, you develop a different adult to adult relationship.

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Mine are living at home still in college. With the job market at the moment I'm not sure. Even internships seem to be dissapearing. They are both pretty relaxed housemates at this point, pretty much really adults, they cook,clean, do their own laundry, etc. but we will see.

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Bike-2022@reddit

My daughter is almost 17. She is on the autism spectrum. She is an amazing kid and growing into an amazing young women.

Due to not only the social factors, but the cost of even renting a loft or studio apartment, I do not see her being able to afford moving out.

It is pretty sad people can't afford a small apartment on their own.

I am thinking king of a small adu , etc.

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Massive-Ant5650@reddit

I have 2, one is 21 and disabled so I’m not really sure if or when she may decide to try her own place. The 19 yr old took a gap year & is really needing some mental health help, then a job ..

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More_Law6245@reddit

I appreciate that it's difficult for kids these days but at what point do they need to stand on their feet but people always seem to forget the longer you have your kids at home the less you have for retirement.

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Boat-Electrical@reddit

How does having your kids at home and contributing have any impact on retirement?

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More_Law6245@reddit

Increased living costs as you will be subsidising your child, there is a high risk of you needing to delaying retirement because you're supporting your children and your highest earning potential is later in your career and it's where you should be increasing you super contributions but you can't because you still have kids at home which may alter retirement savings considerably.

He did this mostly on his own, in his own time, and blossomed to become an adult truly while we watched, sort of amazed after fearing he wasn't going to do any of those things for far longer than we hoped. Now I'm an empty-nester and not sure how it all happened.

td;lr - it depends on your kids, but they will eventually blossom if you help them to discover their own path, in their own time & way, but with gentle pressure to do it. also, don't charge rent right now unless it's needed. life is really rough out here & they're learning that well enough. just love them & let them know in words & actions that you support them

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funktopus@reddit

I'd read about a year ago that the average age of kids moving out is 29.

ILoveTravel76@reddit

50! I guess I'll do other stuff. 😎

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Ratatoskr_The_Wise@reddit

They can stay forever, I don’t mind,

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LisaMiaSisu@reddit

I feel the same way. Both of our kids, 31 & 34, live on their own, but we pay for their rent because they’re going to school (one is on The Spectrum) and we realize we won’t ever have grandkids so we don’t really mind. Neither of them lives fancy or lavishly and they’ll eventually be self-supporting.

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Extra_Shirt5843@reddit

Eventually? Mid 30's is already a really grown adult, though.

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_P4X-639@reddit

I made my school lunches and meals growing up, did my own laundry, kept my room clean and helped out in the house, etc. I also had a job from the age of 13.

Right there w you. Oldest son is going back for a second degree in nursing- more stable than video editing/animation & younger one has a degree in illustration/graphic design & has been looking for a job for almost 2 years!!!!!

They better

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OldSkooler1212@reddit

No. But my kids all have fur or feathers.

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CriscoWithLime@reddit

One graduated last year and lives and works in another state (sometimes works here in town though). Other one moved into an off campus apartment beginning her sophomore year. She works in that town during the summer so she hasn't been home much since then. BOTH of them are very welcome to move in to save money. But, honestly, we raised them to be independent and self-driven. Would have to be the best option not the easiest.

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Secret-Function-2972@reddit

22 y/o moved back in after she finished undergrad so she could save money and commute to grad school. My guess is that she gets married shortly after she finishes grad school in a year and will move out then.

16 y/o wants to move away to school as soon as she graduates HS (like her sister) rather than live at home and attend the local Juco. She may be like me and come home during the summers but never move home for good after school.

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mybeautifulplanet@reddit

My son is 29 and is an RN. I live on an island on the South Carolina coast. Post Covid prices for rent and houses have almost tripled. He is living with me following a break up and has been for close to 5 years. He pays rent and we share chores. He has no debt apart from a car payment. When he finds a house that he can realistically afford, i will give him a a 40% of the cost to lower his mortgage.

I would rather have him enjoy life and feel settled while I’m alive then have bounty upon my death. He is my only child and his father died young.

He had a late start to life because he was sexually abused by a relative whom I prosecuted. This happened before everybody was talking about sexual abuse. He got the help that he needed, but he will always have scars.

I worked hard as a single parent in science research and education. I am not what would be considered wealthy, but I have a small legacy to be able to provide him with an easier life than I had.

The world is very problematic right now and it’s hard to break even get alone get ahead. There’s a lot of emptiness and sorrow.

I try to find something to be grateful for every day and I try to help others through volunteering and rescuing animals.

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MomTo3LilPigs@reddit

Everyone needs a parent like you.

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Harley_Mom@reddit

My daughter is 28 she is finally getting better with money. She does pay the internet bill which isn't cheap and if we need something for the house like milk or something she pays and buys dinner at least 1 a month, we dont eat out allot anymore to expensive. She wants to move out but it beyond expensive, unlike when I was her age. She knows she will always have a home if something ever happens if/when she moves out.

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Hungry_Reading6475@reddit

49F with a 15yo. I do wonder if she move out after graduating college in 8 years. Not only because she may not want to (she’s super attached to us) but also because she may not be able to afford it. I hear housing is crazy expensive now and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

I am stressed about this. Mine are 17, 14, and 13, and I have no idea how they will afford cost of living. The studio apartment I lived in 20 years ago was $295/month plus electric. That exact same unit is now $1,100 per month plus electric. Minimum wage is still the exact same amount.

There's a decent amount of conflict with the oldest, and honestly I'm also just burned out on caregiving. The oldest and youngest have some complex medical needs that have really taken a toll on me over the years and I'm just freaking tired. But it doesn't look likely I will get much space any time soon.

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MomTo3LilPigs@reddit

Prayers, Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs there is.

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bradorme77@reddit

Father of 8 with kids ranging from age 30 to age 10. Two are moved out (oldest two). The rest are at home but I expect all will move out in their twenties, but if one or two are here longer we are not pushing them out. We want them to get thru college or equivalent trade school or specialty schooling debt free and be able to save some money to purchase homes. First two kids each bought a home and we expect number three to be there next year.

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MomTo3LilPigs@reddit

Our 3 are all 8yrs apart. The first two owned homes etc by mid 20s, 3rd isn’t far from that goal.

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Jennyreviews1@reddit

51F I have two sons. One who will be 29 this year and one who just turned 26. My younger son left and went to college at 22. That’s when he moved out. My older boy went to college and lived at home. Got his degree didn’t know what he wanted. He was always our late bloomer. I am not the kind of mother that will kick my child out. I just won’t do it. I worked hard all my life… I did not have that luxury and was out of my house at 17. Life was very difficult. I allowed my son to take the time that he needed to grow a little more. Admittedly, Covid kept both of my boys home a little bit longer, and so that didn’t help either. My older boy saved his money and moved out at 27. He is doing well and has adjusted to living on his own with no help from mom or dad. The help that we gave him was just time at home. That was what he needed.

I would say to you that you have to do what is right for you and your children. Well, all of us can chime in and tell you our experiences, ultimately it comes down to you and your children. As a role, we made sure that our sons had chores that were reasonable and paid a little bit of rent. Not to help us, but to establish a pattern and to give them that responsibility. That being said, I’m still their mother and I am not there to be a hard ass. They did not have to grow up like I did. But that was my choice.

Whatever your choice OP, it will be the right one for all of you. I wish you all well on your journey.

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MomTo3LilPigs@reddit

Well said.

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OldManThumbs@reddit

"If they’re home, do they grow out of the teenage laziness?"

In general, no, like most of the not fun stuff in life (working, saving, cleaning, cooking) you're not going to start doing something for yourself that someone else is already doing for you.

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Training-Finish-2754@reddit

I truly will not ever see any of my kids move out. My three youngest are all on the spectrum and two of them (18 and 20) are considered disabled and in a day program. My 22 year old is more high functioning but will never be able to live on his own, either. My oldest is 28 and he has a great job but no real desire to leave, and he knows as the only “normal” child of mine, he will be looking out for his brothers after hubby and I are gone. We have never limited him though, he has had serious girlfriends and was told if he ever wants to move out and start his own life, get married, whatever, he is under NO obligation to stay. He has told me point blank that he thinks women his age are straight up batshit and doesn’t think he will ever want to get married. Last GF seemed promising, but she was divorced with two daughters and as the relationship progressed, he realized she did NOT have her shit together- which sucked because he really cared about her. I’m hopeful for him, but ultimately just don’t think its in the cards- due to his personality, nothing else. I also have accepted I will never be a grandmother, and I’m just fine with that.

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tesyaa@reddit

Wow, are you me?

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AdDependent1406@reddit

Yup, same here. My daughter is 22. She's independent enough that she doesn't need constant supervision and can take care of herself day to day. But she'll never be able to live independently.

Mine is 16 and will probably go to community college. He currently has zero idea about what he wants to do and no interest in any occupation, which I get at 16, but pretty sure our situation will be like yours in 3 years.

That being said, as long as he's going to school and starts working part time, he can stay as long as he wants. Times are way different now than when we were in school.

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Lady_Gator_2027@reddit

I know someone that has a 31yr of f (has never left) and their 40 yr old m just moved back. She loves it and never wants her babies to leave. She has sabotaged every relationship the son has been in.

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Tigermother94@reddit

My two are 20 and 23. Neither of them can afford to move out. They both have jobs in their fields, but they simply can’t afford it.

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yyythoo@reddit

It’s called a roommate. That’s what you do when you’re in your early 20s. My first house after school, I rented with two other buddies

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cellomom26@reddit

Exactly. It is amazing how needy some parents are today, they refuse to encourage their adult kids to have a roommate.

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mom2artists@reddit

19m and 21f at home. Both working part time, one still in trade school (both graduated college) My husband is not 100% healthy, 19m does a lot of things around the home (needs to be told to) Since they are new workers, they haven’t saved enough up for their own cars. 21f probably wants to move out when she can. 19m kinda comfortable being told what to do. 😐 I’d like to have property with 3 separate living quarters so they could be more independent but not too far as we age 😭

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No_Owl_7380@reddit

My two are 32 & 14. My oldest didn’t leave but bought a beach house in 2017 when she was 24 and prices/interest rates were good. She was able to do this because she didn’t leave home and was able to stack cash. I live in the beach house with the youngest and the oldest lives in my house about an hour north since it’s closer to her job. So technically she never moved out and spends 2-3 days a week with me.

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CaptainQueen1701@reddit

Mine are 13 and 11. I hope they’ll move out eventually. Post-uni? Mid 20s seems reasonable.

I have 3 boys still at home. A boy and a girl that fully moved out 4-5 years ago. Two are in school (one online and massively dealing with social anxiety) and one that just finished and started working the first job he could get.

The price of things right now, I’d rather they love with me as long as they can to save up, before leaving before they are ready and potentially having to move back in.

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gatorbabe25@reddit

Errmagerd. I don't think either will ever leave. 18 (still in HS...not pushing him at all of course) and 23. That 23... Pfft. A million excuses. Works part time, for peanuts...

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No-Country6348@reddit

I would love for my kids to be back home with me on our farm, but we don’t live in an area with viable employment. They have returned for periods of time, and I am in a good situation not to need to charge them rent. And I don’t charge them anything, but if i did, it would be more as a budgeting life lesson and i would save the money to give to them later for a down payment or whatever.

Others have talked about the changed more expensive economy and also how other cultures (or ours in the US in earlier times) regularly have multi generational households, it’s quite normal.

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apollemis1014@reddit

My oldest is now 21. Moved out (shared a 2br apartment with a roommate attending the same school) for school. Finished one degree, roomie moved out. They are staying in the apartment by themselves. Has plans to move back to the area after school, but not planning on returning to our home. #2 is nearly 18 and graduating high school in June. Three is still in elementary school. 😭🤣

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LitlThisLitlThat@reddit

Our 1st has been independent since day 1, but knows she can come back any time, any reason, no questions asked. Our 2nd is mid 20s and back home. I don’t know if they will ever move out.

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Much-Chef6275@reddit

My kid is 25+, has a good job, works from home, and pays rent, saving over $1500 a month by not renting his own place. At this rate, he'll be able to buy or build a house in several years.

I raised 3 daughters. They were all teenagers at the same time. All were raised to be independent. All paid for their car insurance, phones or whatever bills they had. All had jobs, and moved out after turning 18.

I don't have kids, but my girlfriend does. We both kind of encourage them not to move out.

One of them did go off to college, lived alone, moved in and out with various family members and roommates. She has absolutely tried to make her way, but something always happens and she needs a bailout. Not from laziness, but mostly bad luck. She pays rent for her room now at a fair rate.

One of them is off, married, kids of her own.

Another one is college age, taking classes, and working, with a good girlfriend. He's doing well for himself. He can move out, but I don't see a point until he is more established. He will do well in life.

One of them is just struggling with identity. I don't blame him. He isn't lazy, he was working two jobs and stupid crazy hours until just a few weeks ago, now just one job but still working serious hours. He was coming of age when the parents divorced, and then COVID hit. He'll be fine, just needs to figure things out.

As a GenX kid, I signed up for the military at 18 and graduated early to get out. I don't expect everyone to follow a similar path. My girlfriends kids (they are all adults) are not lazy, they are just struggling. I don't see a point in making their lives harder than it needs to be.

I can't tell you how lazy your kids are, or are not. The Gen Z kids I'm around haven't been flawless, but neither was I at that age. I'm not their father, I don't provide any financial support, and have no interest in being "dad", I'm just moms boyfriend.

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PepsiOfWrath@reddit (OP)

I was far more lazy then my kids at the same age. My room was far worse. I did far less. So I hope it's just teenagers being teenagers. Maybe the grow out of it like I did, like many of us did? My fear is if they don't move out, if nothing is really "theirs" as in they work and pay for it, will they ever take care of it?

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JSTootell@reddit

All three kids here have their own cars, so they have ownership stake in something that has value and costs.

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Patient_Character730@reddit

My kids are both in college, but living at home. My 22 year old graduates in May, but she hasn't found a full time job yet, even when she does her career is very seasonal, so I don't think she'll find something year round for a year or two, maybe more. I think she may boomerang back and forth depending on her jobs and how many months she can do them. My other kid is finishing up his freshman year, so he's home for another three years at least. He'll graduate with a job that also isn't typically year round, but rather several months at a time. I imagine he'll come and go as needed. So while I think they can potentially move out one day, I don't see it happening for several years to come. Thankfully we bought a house big enough to accommodate everyone to have their own spaces. Once each kid graduates college they will have to pay us some money for living expenses. Food, electricity, etc. I'm thinking 350 a month should give them a taste of paying bills, but still allowing them to save a good portion of their paycheck.

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PahzTakesPhotos@reddit

Our son is 34 and he moved home in his 20s after a breakup. It was a "we'll be mature till we get our own places" thing that blew up sixty-seven minutes later. So he came home, no big deal. Then he lost the good job in a round of layoffs (seniority wins, he wasn't senior enough). So it became a little more long-term. He bounced from a few crappy jobs (at one point, working three jobs) to pay his bills. Then he finally landed a decent job, then another higher paying decent job. Now he's a warehouse manager for an energy drink company.

But, we don't mind him staying around. We don't charge him rent, but he pays all of his own bills, buys his own "special" food (he's also a powerlifter, so he eats weird and gross stuff in his meal preps), he'll even buy us stuff if he sees we're running low on something. And last month, he replaced the toilet in our bathroom and refused to let me pay him for the materials.

Part of the reason we're okay with him staying is because my husband is disabled from a stroke. He's paralyzed on his right side, no use of his right hand/arm and walks with a pronounced limp. (today is actually the 31st "anniversary" of him having that stroke- he was 28). He's pretty self-sufficient, but sometimes he does need help. Last week, we discovered our bathmat was worn out because it slipped out from under him and he fell in the tub. Our son was still at work so it was a comedy of errors to get him out of the tub (he was sort of like an upturned turtle). If our son had been home, he would have gotten him back up much faster than I did. (we went and got a new bathmat that day).

My husband is pretty handy in general, but again, only one working arm. So there are a few things he needs our son to help with or to actually do for him (such as the toilet replacement). He also does all the heavy lifting for me so I don't have to worry about my cyborg knees or my cranky chronic pain disorders.

We would be okay if he decided to move out. But we're not pushing him out.

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Meesh1137@reddit

My oldest moved out the fall after he graduated from college and hasn’t been back since. He is in the process of buying his first house. My youngest is a sophomore in high school. I can see him living with us for a year or two after college, but there is no way my adult children are living with us forever. We don’t give the message that it’s even an option.

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Munchkinpea@reddit

I don't have bio kids and my step kids have never lived with us.

But I'm coming at this situation from the other side.

Kershiser22@reddit

My kid is 33. Doesn't seem like they'll be moving out anytime soon.

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One-Rip2593@reddit

Wow. Now that’s late

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WasabiChickpea@reddit

My oldest is 20. He's away at an in-state college and trying to make a life for himself. He's talking about joining the military when he graduates. I don't like it but he's been set on it for the last few years.

My youngest is still a teenager. She is also talking college. I want her to live away from home, like her brother, because they both need to figure it out without mom constantly there. I'm encouraging her to apply to a state college nearby, so she can live on campus but be close enough that coming home isn't a huge deal.

Both are welcome to stay with me as needed but there will be rules, including having some kind of job and paying toward the household expenses (rent, groceries, utilities, etc).

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rockpaperscissors67@reddit

I still have 4 at home. The oldest is 19 and isn't moving out any time soon, which is fine with me. A one bedroom apartment in our area is more than my mortgage and neither of us sees the point in him struggling financially when I'm glad to have him here.

The next one down is 16 and will likely live with me for quite a long time. He's autistic but doesn't need a lot of support. He's just very much a homebody. He's said if he moves out, he wants a very small house of his own, so he's thinking about future independence. It'll probably just take a bit longer.

The two youngest girls, though, probably won't be here as long as I'd like. They both have the adventure gene. My 14 year old really wants to go to NYU even though it's multiple states away.

I'm a divorced dad. My eldest lives with their mom, our son lives with me. Neither of us are in a hurry to kick them out.

Our boys are 19 & 22, both living at home. We just purchased a home that allows us to build out the basement as a second living unit with a walk out basement and has a second lot next door to build another home on. They are working on finishing the space on their schedules and will move down there once it is completed. We are happy for them to stay as long as they want and aren't jerks. A multigenerational house isn’t a bad thing to any of us. There has to be balance though and they have to be allowed to develop.

Each child pays their own auto insurance, gas, fun, etc. When they turn 20 they pay $700 a month total for rent, groceries, utilities, etc. Each is responsible for planning, adding any items to the grocery order, preparing, and cleaning up for 10 dinners a month that are chosen based on their schedules for the month. Every person does their own laundry. Dishes are shared work. We all schedule 90 minutes a week of deep house cleaning together usually followed by something fun together. Everyone comes and goes as they need, and we all have basic expectations of common courtesy. We frequently have discussions about issues that are and aren't working or areas causing friction. It takes work but we will keep doing the work as needed. If things change I the future, that’s fine too. Life is all about the ebbs and flows of the seasons.

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Oldebookworm@reddit

My son comes and goes. He’s always welcome and rarely stays the night but will come over to shower and do laundry. Both boys moved out about 3 weeks ago into a converted bus. And I love them, but the house is much more peaceful without them. They’d been here about 6 years off and on, mostly on, before the bus.

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tiffmarie23@reddit

20yo daughter, Wants to move out after college graduation. Not currently paying rent or any household expenses. She has a part time job and a car w no car payment. Does whatever chores I ask her to do. Will buy groceries if asked.

19yo son, No hurry to move out after college graduation. Also pays no rent or household expenses. Part time job with no car payment. I pay his car insurance. Does a lot of the chores around the house and buys groceries if asked.

Depends on where you live.

I grew up near Buffalo NY. Graudated from college in the mid 90s and moved out of my parents' home by mid summer to get a tiny apartment I could barely afford. All of my college freinds from Long Ilsand lived with their parents until they were in their early 30s. My friends from midstate moved out within a year or two of graduating.

Moving out as I type this!

But, he's severely autistic. I'll keep him and I in our home as long as we can manage.

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testmn_5669@reddit

My oldest kid is 20 and autistic (mild-to-mid). My youngest wants to be a YouTube influencer. They will be here forever.

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-Granby-@reddit

My daughter is about to turn 14. I doubt she will ever move out. I don't see how she will be able to afford it. My wife and I struggle as it is in a rental. No insurance. No hope to ever be able to buy a house. Job market blows. Our daughter is starting the vocational school in August. I just don't see it happening. My health is not great and I cannot get treatment or medicine I need to realistically I'll probably be dead in 10 years and my wife and daughter can live together and split the costs. That's probably as good as it is going to get.

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PepsiOfWrath@reddit (OP)

So you feel my fear... the world seems to be getting worse. It feels like we've peaked as a nation and I was there for the end of the good days. I don't know if this is something every generation feels and I'm just a doomer, or what. I mean, the 80s weren't great for my family, but nobody questioned if I would be able to move out someday.

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-Granby-@reddit

I feel it. I am sure every generation feels that way but in our case I think it is true. It just seems like it can only get worse from here. Back when we were younger houses were still affordable. Jobs were available. Healthcare was affordable.

In 1988 there were 68 billionaires in the US. Now there are more than 900.

Private equity didn't exist the way it does now swallowing everything up. People could afford medical care without an insurance plan. Now healthcare is out of reach for so many and if you have insurance it is because of your job so they lock you in.

In 1982 I had a major chest surgery. Major. My dad worked at a saw sharpening shop with three people and my mom worked part time at Walden Books. They did not have health insurance for me. I was able to have the surgery and after care. They did not go into hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt because of it.

We have AI crushing peoples jobs. The housing market sucks. I just looked at the house I grew up in in St Pete Florida. 800 sq feet. 2 bedroom. $234,000. My parents borrowed like 3 grand from my great grandmother and bought that house in 1981 for like 40 grand.

How is my 14 year old daughter supposed to compete today?

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brownieandSparky23@reddit

Yea entry level jobs are hard to get now.

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-Granby-@reddit

Hard to get and you cannot live on your own or even with a roommate these days. 1 bedroom apartments around here are like $800 a month. Food is stupid expensive. Good luck affording a car. Gone are the days or buying a reliable car for 2 grand. It's just not possible.

Back in the day I had my own spot and a car and groceries and was able to go have drinks or go to the movies and afford cigarettes on $12 an hour.

What they hell can you do with $12 an hour now?

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brownieandSparky23@reddit

You’re the only one who gets it.. I guess other people in here work high paying jobs. Plus in order to get a job you have to network your way in. Even getting a retail job can take a few months now.

The corporate schedules less people on purpose. I have been trying to get an entry level position the past 9 months. I’m glad my parents let me live here at 26F.

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-Granby-@reddit

I totally get it. Shit is hard. I think some people just like to be confrontational. I don't know. About 5 years ago I left a job and just wanted to pick something up part time. Something entry level. I applied at Target. Just for a bullshit Target job (that I didn't get) I had to apply online. Then I had to take an assessment that was like an hour long. Then I had to record a video of myself answering questions. Then I had to do a video interview with a person. Then the actual interview came.

I mean give me a break. So I can stock a shelf for 20 hours a week.

The younger generation is going to have it rough. It is difficult to get any job out there. Kids that are turning 18 and graduating high school are not going to be able to get a job and move out while they either level up their jobs or go to college like we were able to back in the day. Shit has changed drastically just in the last 15 years. In 2011 my wife and I got married. We were living in a 1 bedroom apartment that cost $400 a month and we paid $100 a week for groceries. That simply is not happening now. There are no apartments to be had for that much. A 1 bedroom is $800. Food is nowhere near $100 a week for two or more people.

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brownieandSparky23@reddit

Yes you get it I feel guilty being with parents still at 26. Even though I’m disabled. But mine isn’t extreme.

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maslil@reddit

With as hard as we’ve screwed kids these days, mine can stay as long as needed. We live in a HCOL area, so kicking them out is not an option. Plus, I enjoy having mine around still. We don’t charge rent, but one is old enough to have a job and does pay for things if we ask.

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MzunguMjinga@reddit

My 18 y/o would have moved out at 16 if he could. He was working since 15. We have a good relationship, he just is type that goes and gets it done. He grew up too fast.

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dezisauruswrex@reddit

My son just moved out at almost 30. Before he moved out he paid for his own things, insurance , phone , etc and contributed around $200 for rent ( it was mostly about the idea of paying rent and being responsible). He wasn’t thrilled to pay rent, but that’s what adults do.

Like a lot of kids, he had a period of ….indecision. He needed some pushing to get back to work, go to school, and then finally to move out. Each of these steps took time, and sometimes it was very frustrating for all of us. The laziness with chores I think sticks around as long as they are at home. I didn’t really care about those things either until I moved out and got tired of things being dirty on my own to be honest.

It’s hard to compare today’s kids to our situation. Everything is so much more expensive, and the minimum needs have changed. You can’t really get by with a pay phone on the corner and a mattress on the floor anymore, in an apartment you share with 2-4 people.

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krschob@reddit

My youngest moved out at 25 last summer. sort of. My neighbor was going to move and my daughter and her boyfriend bought it cheap, saving all the "fresh-paint-open-houses-listings- showings" bs and we paid a realtor pennies to handle the paperwork. Now we are considering having their friends start buying the rest of the block and then l'm gating it lol

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wyohman@reddit

Both of my children are out of the house. I taught them what they needed to know and sent them in their way. Closing the bank is mom and dad is the best thing you can do.

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Upstairs-Storm1006@reddit

My kids are grown & normal & out of the house, but my sister's oldest son is a total "failure to launch" and it's sad. He dropped out of college halfway through 2nd year, moved back in with his parents and younger brother, and there's no indication he's motivated to move on.

He's now 23, works part time at a very small local company whose owner is friends with my BIL and gave nephew this job out of pity, and volunteers on his old high school track team (even though he sucked in high school and never made varsity). He doesn't keep in touch with his college or high school friends and obviously isn't meeting anyone his age, instead spends basically every minute of free time in his room online or at the gym. Never had a girlfriend and I'm certain he's a virgin. But my sister & BIL won't kick him out or stop supporting him so he sees no need to move on with his life.

His brother is in 12th grade and recognizes that older bro is pathetic and wasting away what should be the best years of his life, I'm hoping that provides enough motivation for him to not duplicate what his brother is doing. But who knows 🤷🏼‍♂️

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Business_Coyote_5496@reddit

Is your nephew on the spectrum? He sounds neurodiverse

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Upstairs-Storm1006@reddit

Not everyone who is bad socially is autistic, even though reddit seems to think that way.

Some people just don't have any motivation. It's a lot easier for him to do nothing, especially because mom & dad take care of everything for him, than to adult.

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Business_Coyote_5496@reddit

I was reacting more to the no friends and a virgin comments. A lot of ND people are asexual.

Sure some people struggle with motivation and a lot of those people have mental health issues that are the root of that struggle.

My son is 23 and working full time as a CPA. He’s saving up for a house right now. He’s going to be fine. He’s looking to move out in about six months.

My daughter is 20 and still in college in a STEM major. She’s on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum, so she’s probably going to have a more challenging time leaving the nest, but my wife and I are fine with however long that takes.

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Target2030@reddit

My now 32 year old moved in with husband and elementary age son in 2021 after covid layoffs. Moved back out after a year. Now moving back in with an additional toddler.

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Historical_Bath_9854@reddit

If they want to. We have land, so no pressure. They can just go over there somewhere, or go stay with other family, or just go.

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am312@reddit

22 & 26 year old still here. They can stay as long as they need to and they are acting right.

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I-used2B-a-Valkyrie@reddit

Well my 27yo moved out at 18, he’s doing great and just bought his 2nd house!

My 5yo daughter has no plans to move out any time soon and has told me that I need to move when she goes to college so we can live together, and that she also plans to live with us when she is married and has kids so I can help her be a great mom.

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Electronic-Bake-4381@reddit

My twin daughters have been in their own apartment for 2 years now. They were 24 when I moved them out. They were a bit lazy and spendthrift, so they needed an increase in responsibility.

They are able to comfortably cover their expenses and bank some savings. I paid about $5,000 to purchase appliances and furniture. I didn't want them to feel like I was pushing them away.

fbombmom_@reddit

My oldest got the boot at 17 when he chose not to graduate. He went to live with his grandparents who had the patience to let him repeat his senior year for half a year to finish earning his credits. He aspired to play video games and be a lazy slob for the rest of his adult life. Thankfully he got his shit together... eventually. He's 28 now.

My 21 year old is still at home but she works part time retail and is is school full time, currently working on her master's. She'd love to move out, but as she says, "in this economy?" Once she gets her first post grad job, hopefully she'll earn enough to move out.

Both kids are living with us (20 YO son, 22 YO daughter) and they can live with us for however long they want. Son decided college is not for him so has been working. Daughter graduated college in Dec and moved back home. We gave them 6 months grace and then start charging rent (only $300/month each). We do plan on giving it back to them when they do move out, but have not told them that. We want them to feel some responsibility towards living here and we do expect them to contribute to upkeep of the house etc.

Pretty sure both will be moving out within the next year which is great for them, but we are not pushing them out the door. Just talking through the financial prep they will need to make the move. Likely living with others to help with cost.

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I would like to buy or build a three townhome unit without an HOA and let them each have one, then just pay a landscaper\snow shoveler. That would be ideal in my mind.

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Truckerlightning@reddit

I think most of us go into it thinking it’s a phase. They stay, figure life out, then move on. And a lot of times, that’s exactly what happens. I’ve had four do just that.

But sometimes it’s not about motivation or money. Sometimes you have rules, expectations… and then something happens that changes everything.

My fifth didn’t follow the script. They chose violence, and it was directed at me. The other four are furious about it. At that point, it’s not about helping anymore. It’s about protecting your own space. And whether they were ready or not, they made the decision for themselves.

They removed themselves from the narrative.

Now I’m dealing with the choices I made, the choices they made, and the impact it’s had on my health… along with the anger and that helpless feeling that comes with it. That’s the part people don’t talk about. There’s a whole middle ground between “they’ll leave when they’re ready” and “just kick them out.”

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CTTK421@reddit

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a 1 size fits all answer with this. I have 2 kids.. both in their mid 20's and only a year apart in age. Both, college educated. The elder of the 2, is out.. doing their own thing.. Full time job, apartment with strangers, etc etc.. It isn't easy, but they make it work. While at school (during covid) they did everything they could to be away from home and with the group of people they met. For them, I think this was the best experiences. It teaches independence, problem solving, etc. They have a lot of my respect for that. My other child.. During covid, took the opportunity to move back in with their mother. And has shown no indication of moving forward with life.. Job/relationships/etc. It saddens me. When they went off to school, I hoped they would break the chains of their parents and discover/make who THEY were. Not what we pushed on them. To me, that is part of growing up. We (as parents) can often be a safety net, but they should learn to spread their wings. My in-laws have 2- 21+yr olds living with them.. And honestly.. I don't think either of those boys will ever leave. They are good people, but aren't learning any sort of financial or personal responsibility. They act/live like they were teenagers. Meanwhile.. I know others, both due to cultural differences and family dynamics, lived at home into their 30's/40s.. until they could buy a house.. But these people have had goals/ambitions/and were active contributors. So it isn't a one-for-all situation, but I think you have to look at your own and be very honest with yourself about them. Many of us have a hard time doing that. When you ask "do even I want them to leave? That's scary too." Why is that? Is it because you are afraid to let go? or something else? Does thinking that way, and what you signal around home, does it re-enforce the behaviors you are asking about?. I would start with them contributing to the bills and upkeep of the house. Even if it isn't rent.. Maybe it's utilities.. something that can be put in their name and their responsibility. I had other family, when their kids were adults and working, while home... they had to take up the utilities. Being in the north east of the US, in some cases, that gave them control over the thermostat during winter.. They pay heating...they control what the heating is.. It teaches them they can't just crank up the heat because it is cold out side. Maybe they have to settle on something a little lower.. etc There are many ways to approach this, but I think you need to think about what you really think will be best for them in the long run, and how to teach them those responsibilities.

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doglady1342@reddit

My son is 26 and currently loves at home. We have a guest suite that's perfect for right now. He works, but is still looking for work in his field. I'm sure he'll move out someday. He's always been good about saving money and can definitely afford to move out. However, for now this is working for all of us. He can save more and not worry about selling a house ir breaking a lease if he ends up moving. My husband and I travel a lot, so it's really helpful that our son can take care of the dogs and the house. We'd rather he do that than pay rent. This year alone he'll save us more than $10k in boarding fees.

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antisocialdecay@reddit

I have a 10 and 3 year old. Gonna be a while lol. I got started with kids later in life. I moved out of my dad’s at 20 as I was in school and working full time. I eventually transferred.

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wild-hectare@reddit

our Daughter (35) is at home and we're all fine with it...she is employed and does her fair share managing the house and bills. she's content with her situation and prefers it to living alone (which she could if she wanted to)

we've always had a "multi-generational" home and the kids grew up with Grandma in the house, so it's not something unusual for us

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Winter-eyed@reddit

My youngest won’t. He’s disabled.

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Anonymo123@reddit

My son is 16 now, will graduate HS at 17. He is going to college (his choice) and once that is done, he can do whatever he wants. I will always have a room for him at home to visit or come back. It makes sense if he wants to, to save money.. we'll see what the world looks like in 6 or 7 years.

As long as he is in school I will cover things. Once he graduates he will need to get a job, I won't be able to cover him forever and he needs to get into his career and stand on his own.

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Sounders1@reddit

Our daughter (22) lives in an ADU we built many years ago. She's been living there since she was 16, it's a self sufficient 1 bedroom apartment. Last year she graduated from college and we started charging her cheap rent. She can stay as long as she wants. She's busy with a full time job but it's nice to see her everyday.

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Typical_me_1111@reddit

Yes but not until they finish college and get a full time job. Even then they would have to save for a deposit to buy a place or rent. I rather they save a deposit so it be a good few years before they move out. I was out of my home at 22 but not sure what age mu kids when leave at.

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obligatory-purgatory@reddit

We have a 23 M, middle child, that does not seem ready for flight. He got a descent but dead end job (through dad) right out of HS and stopped taking comm college classes. Bought himself a car. He pays us a very low rent. He’s a bit of a homebody and never had a significant other to talk about. He got into a political activist group recently so he’s out campaigning and attending meetings now and is planning on going to school for a medical profession.

We are not rushing him out but he does have a bit of laziness in him. Not exactly a slacker but you have to be specific like that if you want the lawn mowed you also mean the edges. (I do the mowing lol).

Our youngest wants to be a rockstar so we might have a full house for a while longer.

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My son isnt even in hs yet. He already understands he will always have a place with me if he needs it, but that my expectation is that he move out when he is capable. I am a trying to raise an independent child, and the only way to do that imo is it set clear expectations, help them reach that goal, and let them fail a few times.

3 boys. Eldest 2 went to university at 18 and, just like my wife and I, never returned to the family home. Youngest has some special needs and may never leave home - although he has a job, and due to no rent, no student loans is the best off of all 3.

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I would be fine if they lived at home, but there are all out and in their own.

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60PersonDanceCrew@reddit

I don't see how they'll be able to afford it.

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jjschoon@reddit

We have 4 kids f30, f25, m24, and m24. They twins still live with us and the 25 yr old would like to, but she's a drug addict, thief, and is currently in jail for stealing from one of her brothers.

The boys each have about $30k save to buy a house. We retire in 4 years and would like to downsize then. We don't charge them rent and they help around the house. Some times it's like pulling teeth to get them to help, but they always do eventually.

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Historical_Project86@reddit

21yo girl with EUPD, PTSD, C-PTSD, bipolar, possibly ASD/ADD (assessment pending). She won't be leaving in the next 5 years. She would need a partner to live away from the house I think, but that job is not going to be easy. We don't charge rent bit probably should, since she gets around £1200 in benefits every month. She is saving a lot though, so we're happy to not charge as long as we don't need it.

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Starkville@reddit

Eldest has moved out (moved in with her man). Middle might eventually, and Youngest despairs.

I’ve told them that as long as I have a roof over my head, they will, too.

My daughter moved out before the ink on her degree was dry. She had a job offer in another city and went for it. Very proud of her.

My son is starting college this fall and I would not be shocked if he hung around for a while after he gradates. Different kids with different personalities.

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Staran@reddit

I have an adult. I don’t see her moving out anytime in the next 10.