Can you say « need a shit » just like « need a wee » when you have to go to the bathroom in Britain?

[-]

AshamedIndication245@reddit

In Scotland we do, among friends and/or family, but it’s more for descriptive comedic effect. Bonus giggles if its in the company of someone who finds it vulgar. Best friend of 15yrs told me off every single time n it just made me laugh harder.

U can do it in formal settings if u wonna wierd ppl out or genuinely disgust someone ie: to leave a convo with someone u dont like. Prudes particularly hate it. So funny to watch them screw their face up and grimace at the mental image u just left them with.

[-]

Callis_tow@reddit

Just visiting the library.....

[-]

Alert_Elephant_7273@reddit

There is a level of etiquette depending on circumstances and where you are.

Just say "Right I'm off for a shite!' with friends.

In more formal settings (work, meeting the in-laws for the first time, perhaps meeting some politicians) you should use ' Right, I'm off to park me breakfast'

If you are very formal (meeting royalty for example) you would say. 'Please excuse me your Highness, I must visit the crapper as one needs a dump.'

A bit tricky to remember but you soon get in the habit.

[-]

DellBoy204@reddit

There was a sign on the A10 that read "NO DUMPING", but it's OK, I was just going for a wee...

[-]

Made_Up_Name_1@reddit

In polite company such as Sunday lunch at Grandma's, no.

Down the pub with your vulgar mates, yes.

[-]

JohnLennonsNotDead@reddit

Should hear the things I say to you grandma mate

[-]

DellBoy204@reddit

"Keep my grandma's name out of your f*ing mouth!"

[-]

IntrepidMaybe8579@reddit

Take them jaws out again brenda

[-]

Jumpy-Scallion-9463@reddit

Give it a wipe with a flannel afore you take it, m'dear

[-]

ButterscotchSure6589@reddit

In grandma's house it's polite to say "Ive got the turtles head"

[-]

hundreddollar@reddit

"Speak up brown, you're through."

[-]

DarkLordTofer@reddit

My father in law always says this. He also says you should never trust a fart, never pass a toilet, and never waste an erection.

[-]

RaedwaldRex@reddit

"Sorry Granny, I just need to pop out and drop some friends off at the pool"

Or alternatively, "excuse me, I need to go and nip off a bum cigar"

[-]

Juuudes@reddit

"I need to see a friend off to the coast."

[-]

ComprehensiveCup7104@reddit

"I need to put a toad in the hole"

[-]

LegoVRS@reddit

"I'm crowning over here"

[-]

Jumpy-Scallion-9463@reddit

"I'm touching cloth"

[-]

richymac1976@reddit

Need to drop the kids at the pool

[-]

ArmWildFrill@reddit

I'm Tardising

[-]

Loakie69@reddit

"Turtle's head turtle's head, hanging down me legs"

[-]

poorly-worded@reddit

down the pub for sunday lunch with your vulgar grandma, also yes

[-]

Cariad_rae@reddit

My nan gets the shits all the time and refers to it as her 'problem'. She will always tell the person closest to her that she could 'shit through the eye of a needle'

[-]

InternationalRide5@reddit

the person closest to her

I think I've been on the bus with your nan.

[-]

Butterscotch1664@reddit

I think I've been the needle on the bus.

[-]

lela7188@reddit

My brother says I'm off to give birth to twins, I'm guessing that's a big shit!

[-]

BarracudaFar1905@reddit

She didn't say that Roy

[-]

Pikatyka@reddit

I got that reference. Have an upvote

[-]

Jumpy-Scallion-9463@reddit

You haven't met their grandma...

[-]

Apprehensive-Art1092@reddit

grandma

[-]

Jumpy-Scallion-9463@reddit

Well, now I've met yours.

[-]

Apprehensive-Art1092@reddit

She's long dead. But yeah.

[-]

RearAdmiralBob@reddit

That’s a challenging wank.

[-]

ComprehensiveCup7104@reddit

unexpected Sean Locke

[-]

Neilybabs@reddit

I have 😏😏😏

[-]

LaziestRedditorEver@reddit

Whoever is doing a shit in a pub toilet needs to rethink their priorities. That is for piss only, save your shit for when you get home.

[-]

Common-Spend5000@reddit

Most people would much rather take a shit at grandma's house over that of a pub toilet though, especially a men's pub toilet.

[-]

Inside-Try-394@reddit

With vulgar mates here we say gotta scram I’m pinching off a loaf.

[-]

Niceritchie@reddit

At Grandmas's you can use terms such as... Brad Pitt, Eartha Kitt, Pony and Trap, Richard the third etc. As in "Top up the Britney's Grandma, I'm off for a Brad".

[-]

Origamiflipper@reddit

I’m a grandma and I say it myself 🤷🏼‍♀️

[-]

PeonyTulip20@reddit

honestly, if i said "need a shit" in public, it’d be messy. small talk is already a sport, don’t need to make it weirder.

[-]

Xenozip3371Alpha@reddit

Just say you're going to the toilet.

[-]

Emergency_Cellist754@reddit

Even that's too much info for me, just say "excuse me" or "back in a minute"

[-]

BlackberryNice1270@reddit

Well you could, but in polite company we wouldn't.

[-]

dougofakkad@reddit

If you're in very informal circumstances, sure.

[-]

Familiar_Radish_6273@reddit

I wouldn't say this to anyone, not even my husband. It's gross 😝

[-]

Popular-Jury7272@reddit

I think it's gross that you feel the need to speak in euphemisms with your own life partner, but hey, different strokes.

[-]

welsh_d@reddit

I say going for a wee to the wife, but we have mutual understsnding what I mean when I say going to the 'loo' instead

[-]

originalcinner@reddit

I say I'm going for a wee regardless of whether it's #1 or #2.

But I still only say that at home, to my husband. Anywhere else, out with friends, visiting relatives, I'd say I'm going to the loo.

[-]

GrassComfortable4180@reddit

I’ll say it to your husband “Your wife’s away for a shit”

[-]

dougofakkad@reddit

I wouldn't say it to your husband either.

[-]

oooohshinythingy@reddit

Yeah you can if you want to

[-]

Neaththeclouds@reddit

Most of the time it would j8st be 'need the loo' coz dude why do you need everyone to know what you're doing in there? I guess you could specify but I'd definitely be judging you more on the TMI than the mild swearing

[-]

FaxOnFaxOff@reddit

In the UK saying you need the toilet is ok, no need to say 'freshen up' or 'go to the bathroom'. Even saying you need a pee is informal but not shocking. 'Needing to take a shit or a dump' is vulgar but ok between close friends. Asking staff where a toilet is is totally fine.

[-]

MerlinOfRed@reddit

Is that what "freshen up" means?

I thought it literally meant freshen up - like if you've had a long journey and want to go somewhere to wash your face/hands, put on some deodorant, perhaps change your shirt etc.

Well TIL

[-]

wolf_in_sheeps_wool@reddit

"You travelled all this way just to drop your kids off at a pool?"

[-]

Xerothor@reddit

There's zero chance of that being taken literally, though

[-]

SheepherderSelect622@reddit

It can mean those things too. It's intentionally vague.

[-]

FaxOnFaxOff@reddit

I agree with you, I meant it more if someone attempted to use it euphalemistically in a restaurant for example. In the UK if you need the toilet you can just say so was my point.

[-]

Green-Dragon-14@reddit

I've heard many men say I'm going to syphon the python, usually in pub situations.

[-]

Effective_Taro4601@reddit

Dump is vulgar?

[-]

boredsittingonthebus@reddit

"Please excuse me, Your Majesty, for I need to go for a dump."

[-]

NiceDistance5212@reddit

We can use the word dunny, but not in front of the Queen (it's niche, this one).

[-]

everybodyctfd@reddit

Yes if you are in polite company.

[-]

notanothergav@reddit

Probably depends what you've eaten.

[-]

OurSeepyD@reddit

Even saying you need a pee is informal but not shocking.

But we don't say pee

[-]

Xerothor@reddit

I didn't realise people where so uptight about the word shit. Me and my fiancée wouldn't think twice about saying or hearing this.

[-]

Ok-Test-7217@reddit

Be discreet. Say "I need to drop the kids off at the pool"

[-]

CharlesWindsorThe3rd@reddit

You could say “I’ve got a turtle head poking out”.

Abbreviated to “I’m turtling” if there isn’t a member of the monarchy present

[-]

Lollypop1305@reddit

I have ibs 🤣 I often run out of my mortuary (I’m a mortician not a reanimated corpse) shouting “be right back, need to shit!” My colleagues are used to it. My friends and husband are also used to it. My kid also announces he needs a shit.

[-]

RevolutionaryLaw4140@reddit

I'd say I need a poo

[-]

mousey76397@reddit

I would go with “I’m gonna go drop the kids off at the pool”

[-]

bye-bye-dont-cry@reddit

Nobody needs to know why you are going to the toilet . Just go for Gods sake.

[-]

jimmyboogaloo78@reddit

Tell the waterboard to get the big knives out..

[-]

Ricky_Martins_Vagina@reddit

Depends on context.

If you don't want to swear then just say you need to curl one out

[-]

Kiwigavin@reddit

I’m away to drop the kids off at the pool, your Holiness.

[-]

howmanybloodcloteggs@reddit

More acceptable than using <<>> as “”

[-]

razzdings@reddit

You don't need to say the reason you're going to the loo.. but I guess the politest way of saying it is you're going for a 'comfort break' 🙃🫣.

[-]

Helena_Handcart1@reddit

God no.

Shit is really really crude.

And why the hell do you need to telegraph any of that that for your companions when you go to the loo? Just a polite “Excuse me.” Will do fine.

[-]

Life-Replacement4138@reddit

In our home and close family we say "gotta poop"

Other wise it's just usually "I'm off to the loo" instead of "I need a wee"

[-]

Kind-Tie5236@reddit

Some people do, yes. It makes me feel a little sick.

I say 'poo' like a civilised person.

[-]

SeviSulfyre@reddit

Ooooo, la-di-fucking-da.

[-]

SeviSulfyre@reddit

Hahaha I have indeed always said this and I've had a few people laugh, a few people disgusted. I wouldn't say it in formal settings or with elders but with friends it's all right. Just expect a couple to be shocked at how blunt it is. 😂

The way I see it, everybody shits. If people get offended it says as much about them than me!

[-]

hundreddollar@reddit

In polite communication, one would inform that one requires either to "point Percy at the porcelain" for a number one and "crimp one off" for a number two.

[-]

throaway_247@reddit

I'm going to practice my curling.

[-]

neutronburst@reddit

Bathroom? You mean the shitter?

[-]

tadpole-bear@reddit

Shit is a mild swear, whereas wee isn’t. Just say you’re going to the loo.

[-]

Low_Enthusiasm3769@reddit

My mum hates swearing but was annoyed one day and said "shit" in front of my Nephew when he was about 12-13 , he called her out straight away "arr you swore" in her annoyance she snapped back "shit's not a swear word" he's been milking it for about 10 years, says "shit" as much as he can around her then when she gives him that look he smiles and says "not a swear word"

[-]

Kremm0@reddit

Haha that's absolute gold

[-]

tadpole-bear@reddit

Living the dream!

[-]

Fun-Brush5136@reddit

Say you're going for a dump. It's OK as there's no swearing.

(op don't listen to me)

[-]

ShortGuitar7207@reddit

I was once in the supermarket waiting for my wife on the other side of the checkout which happened to be next to the toilets. A little girl, probably pre-school age, came up to me and said 'I need to squeeze one out' which was a little shocking since I was no relation and minding my own business.

[-]

Wobblybob52@reddit

That's where Cockney rhyming slang comes in handy. My Dad would often announce that he was "off for a pony". We all knew what he meant, and no offence was taken by those who didn't.

(For those of you unfamiliar with the phrase, "Pony" stands for Pony and Trap, with Trap being the rhyming word for Cr*p

[-]

MindComfortable6216@reddit

If you want to be really fancy say “I’m going to the cloakroom”. That’s what my husband says, I roll my eyes every time because I don’t know why he says that. He only says it when in company tho. He is weird lol

[-]

TheDaemonette@reddit

To whom exactly?

[-]

Sonzscotlandz@reddit

Need a shite / need a pish

[-]

Ok_Pen7290@reddit

No because a snowflake will be offended, so don't say anything other than going to toilet

[-]

PupmeisterGeneral@reddit

"Back in a bit, Tortoisehead are playing next door"

[-]

Mediocre-Smile5908@reddit

NEEDAPOO!!!

[-]

Alzdeejay2@reddit

I'm going for an Ertha kit.

[-]

Cultural-Turnip-8840@reddit

Brad Pitt

[-]

Significant_Froyo899@reddit

Amber Heard

[-]

NiceDistance5212@reddit

I like that this one works on more than one level.

[-]

SteR88@reddit

I'm going for a chat with the Arabs.

Mustafa Crap.

[-]

Alzdeejay2@reddit

I got sent on a fancy dress as a kid and my dad told me to say this when teachers asked my name 🤣

[-]

OkAdhesiveness166@reddit

Laying a cable

[-]

rosssjackson@reddit

A Forrest gump

[-]

Missdebj@reddit

GFAD

[-]

Responsible-Link5739@reddit

Or a Jack Wright.

[-]

Dutch_Slim@reddit

Tom tit

[-]

asymmetricears@reddit

A Thora Hird.

[-]

NooOfTheNah@reddit

Prior to going to the loo probably not. Coming out of the loo then one of two phrases can be used:-

I'd give it a few minutes lads
Flipping heck, I'm a pound lighter

Either of these statements will ensure no one ever questions toilet visits going forward.

[-]

NiceDistance5212@reddit

This is valid. I tend to say "feel like I should weigh myself after that" suggestive of being significantly lighter. But I only live with my 10yo son, so I can get away with maximum grossness. Toilet humour is rarely declined by that demographic.

[-]

MaintenanceOwn8817@reddit

“Flipping heck” 😭

[-]

LegoVRS@reddit

If you're going in there, you might want to take a canary. And don't light a match.

[-]

Kind-Elder1938@reddit

or a third " I can see better now"

[-]

CoachSevere5365@reddit

"Jeez, that bog paper is really thin" will ensure they never have to say it to you.

[-]

loosellikeamoose@reddit

Lol no dont do that!!!

[-]

GeneticPurebredJunk@reddit

My first job was in HDU, and because of the high acuity/high needs of our patients we had to let the other nurse in the bay know if you were ever stepping out the bay (to get water, got to the desk, go to the storage cupboard, etc).

Because the toilet was outside the ward and just down the corridor, we rarely had time to go to the loo, but when you did, you had to specifically say you were stepping off the ward. Everyone knew (unless you were going to get blood, labs or equipment) that you were going to go for a piss (or other), so it was common parlance to say
“I’m going to treat myself to a wee.”
And the reply was either;
“Ooo, enjoy yourself!” OR
“Oh, have one for me while you’re at it.”

I’ve not worked there for nearly a decade now, but I still say variations of “treat yourself/enjoy!” to everyone and anyone who lets me they need a wee/piss/loo”.
I know it’s a bit odd to non-nurses, but maybe people will piss more mindfully?? 🤔

[-]

AshtonBlack@reddit

Even if I'm in informal company and I had to let it be known, then I'd probably go with "I need a poo" or one of the many many euphemisms. "Laying some pipe" "Taking the kids to the pool" "Contemplating my kingdom upon the porcelain throne" etc.

[-]

OkTechnician4610@reddit

Nope not common in public or work. Say nothing or just that u need the loo that’s all that’s needed. If someone I work for said that I’d b a bit shocked as more info than I needed.

[-]

Prestigious_Bat2666@reddit

I need to poop 💩

[-]

Wheresmymindoffto@reddit

Try "I'm off to drop the kids off at the pool" instead. More tea vicar?

[-]

BadBacksFuryToad@reddit

Yes.

[-]

Few-Interaction-1302@reddit

No, I just say “I’m going to release a brown trout”

[-]

Fun_Set_8560@reddit

I'm prairie dogging.

[-]

crankyandhangry@reddit

Gramatically, yes. Socially, no.

[-]

Moorhenlessrooster@reddit

These things are all class and context dependent. Need a wee is acceptable in most contexts, or need the loo. I'd never say need a shit, to anyone. I'd never say need the bathroom either!

[-]

Original-Chemical176@reddit

You can say: need a shit but for a more authentic version.

Mate, I'm going for a fing sh*t.

[-]

String-Good@reddit

My wife doesn't shit she excretes waste.

[-]

Awellknownstick@reddit

Yes

[-]

Boring_Swing_4750@reddit

Yep i do lol

[-]

LivingPage522@reddit

Depends on what relationship you have with who you are saying it to.

[-]

Johny_boii2@reddit

I just say I'm going to the loo

[-]

Acrobatic-Set9585@reddit

I never say 'need a shit' to anyone except my siblings and parents 😭. I guess it's cos we grew up in the same house. It feels too much saying it to anyone else no matter how close we are although sometimes over text with a friend I'll say 'I need a poop' 😭

[-]

Bibblejw@reddit

It’s not equivalent. The closest would be something like “I need to poo/poop”, the corollary to “I need a shit” would be “I need a piss”, which wouldn’t be suitable around, say children.

Polite company would be to excuse yourself.

[-]

Murky_Bother_8938@reddit

Yeah, I say “just gonna shit out a poo brb”

[-]

Ecstatic_Fishing_278@reddit

got to go it's touching cloth or number 2 time

[-]

Ok_Nefariousness5477@reddit

In instances when you've left it a bit too close, you can say 'I got to go, I'm touching cloth here!'

Or, 'I've got a turtle's head here!'

[-]

hodzibaer@reddit

“Shit” and “wee” are not in the same register, so no.

[-]

WatchingTellyNow@reddit

Poo is the same register, but I don't think I'd be specific and announce what I was going to do, just say where I was going to go. So I'd say "I'm going to the loo".

[-]

Financial_Breath5433@reddit

Drop the kids off. Tom tit. Eartha Mr Magoo. Turtles head. Pony and trap. Richard the third. Mere suggestions.

[-]

MaintenanceOwn8817@reddit

Yes. That’s literally the normal way to say that, at least in my part of the country

[-]

boredsittingonthebus@reddit

"I'm going to nip to the gents/ladies."

[-]

mugg___@reddit

apparently its a no to my ex, who believes its not vulgar and if i dont like it i should put up with ut

[-]

Fine_Analyst_4408@reddit

My husband and I always announce we're going to take a shit so if either of us needs to pee first, we can go without suffering. Also extends to my siblings and good friends.

[-]

Scrumptiepie@reddit

To say you "need a shit" is considered extremely crude and certainly not to be used in company.

[-]

Common-Spend5000@reddit

Shite usually gets a bit more of a pass than shit in the workplace.

[-]

fotfddtodairsizr@reddit

Yes you can but that’s quite vulgar.

Just say ‘I’m popping to the loo’

[-]

Terrible-Pangolin550@reddit

Gagging on a shit

[-]

dowker1@reddit

Or "I'm going to drop the kids off at the pool"

[-]

extrasuper@reddit

I need to go turn me bike around

[-]

bangingDONKonit@reddit

Off to crimp out a length.

[-]

extrasuper@reddit

Going to lay a cable

[-]

Extreme_Objective984@reddit

or you could say "I'm plopping to the loo". which is how i first read your comment.

[-]

No_Room_3932@reddit

Or I’m pooping to the loo

[-]

bangingDONKonit@reddit

I'm pooping to the poo.

[-]

seven-cents@reddit

Brits don't poop, we poo 💩

[-]

fotfddtodairsizr@reddit

Omg I’m gonna delete my comment. These replies are so gross 😭

[-]

fotfddtodairsizr@reddit

Howling 😂😂

[-]

WotanMjolnir@reddit

Why? How pointy is your shit?!

[-]

theouter_banks@reddit

Popping to the loo for a shit.

[-]

Material_Length6374@reddit

If it’s been a while since my last motion I tend to say “I just got to go and give birth a dead otter”.

[-]

paulbrock2@reddit

I had a good shit. high five!

[-]

Prize-Artist-2960@reddit

Yes. You can say what you like. I mean it, i dont think many British people would judge for this. Its very forward but it doesnt offend anyone so why not. I would probably have a small chuckle if i didnt know you. If someone i knew said this i wouldnt bat an eyelid.

[-]

ThurstonSonic@reddit

Just say ‘ I require a Tibetan Blackbird ‘ and leave the table. Your educated friends will know full well that the binomial name for said bird is ‘Turdus maximus ‘ and will understand your business without you having to be vulgar.

[-]

zxo-zxo-zxo@reddit

Why do you need to distinguish what’s happening when you go to the toilet? Are you 7 yrs old?

[-]

ERTCF53@reddit

Mmmm perhaps, as long as you have read the room.

[-]

KonkeyDongPrime@reddit

I’m going to drop the kids off at the pool

Or

It’s time to squeeze the cheese

[-]

samuel199228@reddit

If with close friends and family you could say that or I use words like I need to drop some logs off.

At work or with people you don't really know just say I need to use the loo

[-]

Wot_Eye_Cee@reddit

No, but you’d make me laugh!

[-]

RedditMrJay@reddit

Anything that's a comparison to childbrith:

I am crowning

Christ, thought i would need a midwife for that

Almost made it full term, but yhe curry got it out a day premature

Or classic poor digestion: I should start chewing more, i can see peanuts Literally unwipeable I should shave the edges, had to give up, was like trying to brush away a bowl of soup Dropped out of me like an M&S catapiller cake, colin the pipe blocker

[-]

WingsofFlight@reddit

The last one sent me hahahaha.

[-]

sickmoth@reddit

I announce that the monkey is clawing at the cage.

[-]

AromaticCream1987@reddit

If I'm busting to drop a log I usually announce to everyone around me that ive got a turtle head poking out

[-]

Intelligent-Mud-1039@reddit

I don't feel the need to spell out the extent of my bathroom visit tbh

[-]

Responsible_Drive380@reddit

No. You say "off to curl one out" or "need to lay the brown cable" or "dropping the kids off at the pool".

[-]

Badeculture@reddit

Gotta go and squeeze me head!

[-]

WoodenFault7969@reddit

Mr Browns at the door and he won’t take no for an answer

[-]

According-Course1894@reddit

I've heard. " Take a pee" before

[-]

Albannach02@reddit

"Need a shit" - crude. "Need a wee" - childish. "Go to the bathroom" - Murrican. 😆

[-]

Ormidale@reddit

Going to attend a dignified burial at sea.

[-]

Bearded_monster_80@reddit

The polite version is "please excuse me, there's a mole at the counter and he won't take no for an answer".

[-]

WinstonFox@reddit

Just dropping the kids off at the pool.

[-]

spinningdice@reddit

I'm pretty working class, and would consider it mildly vulgar. i.e. not something I would say, but it wouldn't raise an eyebrow.

[-]

religion-lost@reddit

Grammatically, yes. Politely, no. I'd say "Use the restroom" or lie and say "powder my nose" or something instead. Granted that's an old one so people might guess you're lying but it's more about the spirit of politeness

[-]

Lessarocks@reddit

Restroom is an Americanism. Most people here would say they need to use the loo.

[-]

religion-lost@reddit

Well yeah but that doesn't mean it's not a fact that British people say it too, we can step outside of stereotypes to say restroom. Are Americans not allowed to say most things because Britain were saying all those words first?

[-]

Lessarocks@reddit

I did t say you were not allowed. You can choose to use Americanisms if you wish. Obviously. But it would be very unusual.

[-]

religion-lost@reddit

Yes but it's not that unusual, I hear people say restroom all the time

[-]

Jollyramb1er@reddit

No

[-]

Stunning-Macaron-261@reddit

No

[-]

Expensive_Paper_2908@reddit

I work in IT and it’s common to hear “going to downtown a chunk of data and wipe the cache”

[-]

ChoiceRelationship37@reddit

Jim Royle had all the answers. I'm off for an Eartha.

[-]

APithyComment@reddit

To your partner and friends: yes - they have seen you in some shapes.

To your parental units: yes - they have heard and seen worse.

To your granny and gramps: maybe - depends if you talk shit with them.

To the average person on the street: yes - you probably won’t ever see them again.

To your boss and team mates in a team meeting: probably not - it wouldn’t be a calculated career move.

[-]

No_Apartment_4551@reddit

You’d just say “I need the loo”. It’s a bit too much/ too explicit to say “I need a shit”.

[-]

Unhappy-Macaron69@reddit

Short answer— it depends on where your company is from.

More about their class, and vulgarity, than location. But southerners tend to be more polite, and North or West you'll find more colourful ways of making ones departure to "curl one out", as they say where I'm from 😂

[-]

Badger-of-Briarwood@reddit

There's a mole at the patio, I fear Dr Brown is about to pay a housecall, I need to pinch a loaf, The Australians can smell victory, I need to pop a tin of pringles, I've got a pan of gravy on the boil, the beef is starting to burn, next station is Mudchute, code brown, brown alert, I need to study the Racing Post, I've got a puppy at the pet door, I need to unlock the catflap...

[-]

Bskns@reddit

At work when I’m going to the toilet sometimes I’ll say “I’ve got a task I can’t delegate”… I don’t even line manage anyone so I don’t delegate anyway

[-]

Any-City7196@reddit

Usually we say "Oop, touching cloth"

[-]

illarionds@reddit

We generally use euphemisms - "I'm touching cloth", "I've got a turtle head poking out", "I have to decorate the porcelain", and so on.

[-]

THYROIDosshorn@reddit

Im away for an Eartha. A Gladys. A wiz. Perfectly polite.

[-]

VariousBeat9169@reddit

Too much detail, just say you need to use the loo.

[-]

Incident-Putrid@reddit

As you’ve seen, “wee”👍 “shit” 👎.

And thus we can extrapolate that the acceptable phrasing would be “back in a minute, I’m just taking my arse for a wee”.

[-]

Vodkaboris@reddit

If need a shit then I go to the toilet.

I only go to the bathroom to have a bath.

[-]

GroceryAlarmed290@reddit

Just need to call my friend Douglas is what we use. Douglas Herd (former politician) rhymes with turd.

[-]

Scheming_Deming@reddit

Try, "I'm needing a Donald"

[-]

Ok-Ship812@reddit

A Mancurian mate of mine married a Turkish girl. She learned most of her English from a bunny British casino dealers (back in the days when casinos were legal in Turkey).

He loves to tell the story of her first visit to meet her future in laws in Manchester.

‘it was a lovely country pub, we’re all out for Sunday Lunch and she stands up and announces to the whole room’

‘Excuse me, I have to take a shit’

[-]

eggpotion@reddit

I think for someone who's first language is not English, I'd avoid swear words and vulgar language

[-]

Significant_Froyo899@reddit

Had a boss once, a nasty vulgar persona, who used to announce “I’m going for a ssshit”. Every time. Couple of times a day. The word shit also had an explosive “t” on the end.

One day after he’d shared his intentions with us, a phone call came through for him. I told them “ oh he’s gone for a ssshit”

He came to see me all angry and asked why I had said that. I told him it’s what he told me he was doing and what else was I to say? Baking a cake? Painting a copy of the Mona Lisa?

He didn’t tell me about his commune with nature after that.

I always felt he wanted praise for not crapping in his pants

[-]

Unusual_Entity@reddit

I prefer, "Sorry but I have to go now, I have shit to do..."

[-]

GnaphaliumUliginosum@reddit

'Dropping the kids off at the pool', 'need a number 2' and many more euphemisms, but under which circumstances do you need to inform others about the details of your evacuations?

[-]

Low_Enthusiasm3769@reddit

Everytime i no.2 i also no.1 so no.2 doesn't really exist there's only 1 or 3.

[-]

mynaneisjustguy@reddit

There is a small window after a 1 when you can go 2 without 1. But yeah normally it's 1 or 3

[-]

Henchbeard@reddit

The correct phrase is “just going to shit out a poo”

[-]

Hawkstreamer@reddit

That's a matter of good/bad manners. In some circles that would be said.

Pretty disgusting frankly ~ absolutely no need to say anthing more than "I'm just going to the loo".... the alternative you suggest is just unnecessarily gross and an insult and deliberste lack of respect to the ppl you're speakkng to.

[-]

Distinct-Tour-5654@reddit

No, but its fine to excuse yourself to go and drop the kids off at the baths if you're touching cloth.

[-]

FannyFielding@reddit

Found Borat

[-]

Cultural-Turnip-8840@reddit

I proudly announce that I'm off for an Eartha Kitt all the time much to my wife's disgust.

[-]

Sexy_Vegan_Pants@reddit

I'd be quite repulsed hearing you say that, very vulgar and unnecessary i think

[-]

ClimoCustomGuitars@reddit

Your name implies alluring edible underwear

[-]

Sexy_Vegan_Pants@reddit

Maybe once upon a time

[-]

dmmeyourfloof@reddit

"Just off to drop the kids off at the pool"

[-]

BurkesRoad@reddit

Off to send a sausage to the seaside.

[-]

Which-Host-9073@reddit

If I have to tell anyone I just say I'm going to the loo. What I'm doing in there is nobody's business but my own. 😂

[-]

imtheorangeycenter@reddit

It's good to differentiate between a wank and a poo though.

Kidding, it's of noone's interest to imagine anyone's scrunched up face. Don't ask, don't tell applies here.

[-]

Which-Host-9073@reddit

"It's good to differentiate between a wank and a poo though."

Yup. Either way just remember to wash your hands afterwards. 😂

[-]

Responsible-Link5739@reddit

My method is this: For a wee, I'd say, "Just going to the loo, won't be a minute" For a poo, I'd say, "I'm off to the loo, I'll be a couple of minutes."

Somehow, this appears to convey exactly enough to the company I'm in and is used (by me) whether those people are friends, colleagues, or family. Why you'd feel the need to specify your waste materials is beyond me.

[-]

keithmk@reddit

You would not say you need to go to the bathroom in Britain unless you are in the habit of shitting in the bath.

[-]

MarsStar2301@reddit

I’ll agree it’s not typically said here, but “going to the bathroom” could technically be relevant if you’re in a house/flat/hotel/whatever that has the bath and toilet in the same room

[-]

Academic_UK@reddit

We do it just like Brad Pitt in Snatch.

“Need to take a shite!”

[-]

Travels_Belly@reddit

You should say "I need a tom tit" then come waving your hands while saying"i would leave it for a while"

[-]

JustLetItAllBurn@reddit

According to Debrett's Guide to Etiquette, the preferred phrase is "Excuse me, but I'm afraid I must adjourn to the restroom to take a shit that could choke a donkey"

[-]

EccentricDyslexic@reddit

Power my nose is the best.

[-]

wdwhereicome2015@reddit

My nose is big enough already so don’t give it any more power. However it does like to be powdered occasionally

[-]

brushfuse@reddit

Visitin’ the lav for a right Royal defecation, you slag.

[-]

men_in_the_rigging@reddit

I slap both knees with my hands, stand up, and loudly exclaim "TIME TO MAKE TOILET!"

[-]

norbertmars@reddit

I personally love the declaration "I'm answering the call to stool."

[-]

MidasToad@reddit

"Need a shit" is much more impolite than "need a wee".

The non-swear words: wee/pee, poo/poop (use around children and respectable company e.g. your mother-in-law)

The swear words: piss, shit/crap (use with friends and adults)

You should always say 'I' i.e. 'I need a wee'.

Generally, in the UK you would not specify if you needed a poop, you would say 'I need the toilet.' This expression works for either poop or wee.

[-]

bumblestum1960@reddit

Socially it’s the only acceptable thing to say.

[-]

MySparePersona@reddit

I just say 'oop, turtles getting curious'

[-]

Kind-Elder1938@reddit

we are not really as overfond of that word as the Merkans, who pepper every sentence with it. More likely to say need a poo - if we say anything at all. .

[-]

Chopsticks_Charlie@reddit

Hahahaha I work on a building site and it's pretty common but couldn't imagine this getting fired off at the office

[-]

paddlingswan@reddit

I guess it’s polite if there’s only one portaloo and someone else might want to use it after

[-]

Scrombolo@reddit

No, that's considered vulgar. In polite company you'd most likely say 'I'm off to lay a cable'.

[-]

seven-cents@reddit

"The turtle is poking its head out, please excuse me for a moment"

[-]

UnspeakableBadger@reddit

You can indeed, but it’s a bit blunt. Try being more British and euphemistic. For example, a guy I used to work with would say “I’m just going to drop the kids off”

[-]

Reasonable-Key9235@reddit

I do

[-]

CoachSevere5365@reddit

Not in polite company. If you say it to me I won't care, but I'll point out that you're not in school now and don't need my permission.

[-]

The_Yellow_King@reddit

No, I'm not coarse, I say "I'm just off to empty my back"

[-]

Dico80@reddit

Just need to push out a length of dirty spine

[-]

Pebbley@reddit

If the Bathroom? has a toilet, either of these phrases are exceptable.

[-]

nemetonomega@reddit

Personally, I have heard people use the phrase "I'm awa fir a shite" quite frequently. But we are known for being a bit more blunt in the north of Britain.

[-]

Dusty_Miss_Havisham@reddit

the general etiquette is to slope off quietly and then when you finally emerge and everyone was wondering where you were, say something like “i’d give it 5 mins if i was you"

[-]

jingscrivvens61@reddit

In the RN, we said " just going to give birth to a Royal Marine." (No disrespect intended to Marines, but everyone knew what you meant.)

[-]

First-Lengthiness-16@reddit

The marines are a step up from the navy though, right?

[-]

jingscrivvens61@reddit

More like a 'drop down' from the Navy...

[-]

jingscrivvens61@reddit

More like a 'drop down' from the Navy...

[-]

weedywet@reddit

Saying that is how we got Nigel Farage

[-]

PurplePlodder1945@reddit

In our house it’s ’I need a poo’. Which is frequent for me because I have IBS!

[-]

MrsKateChambers@reddit

I certainly wouldn’t, to me it’s gross. If you need to say anything just say “I’m off to the loo” or something similar which can mean wee, poop, or anything else really

[-]

RhubarbDiva@reddit

You can, but how many people need that level of information?

"I need the loo" is sufficient.

[-]

Full-Suggestion-1320@reddit

Horribly uncouth! I'm going to the toilet or the loo is the more acceptable phrase.

[-]

Scottie99@reddit

Absolutely not, need a crap, need a dump etc.

[-]

Jemima_puddledook678@reddit

It’s much less polite, but yeah? Is there anywhere (English-speaking) where you couldn’t do that?

[-]

StillMissBlockbuster@reddit

Yeah, any remotely formal situation where you're not very close friends.

[-]

Familiar_Radish_6273@reddit

I've never been anywhere you could say that. Maybe because I'm in my 50s, but it just sounds too crass to me

[-]

dowker1@reddit

Grammatically is fine though

[-]

dopaminecollector@reddit

It’s very context dependent. I wouldn’t even say ‘I need a wee’ around people I’ve just met or in a work situation (unless we’re pals). I’d always say ‘popping to the loo’ or ‘going to wash my hands’. If I’m gone longer than expected then I’ll make up something about there being a queue or not being able to find the bathroom.

[-]

Maleficent-Leek2943@reddit

I mean, you can.

But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, and all that. You probably don’t need to announce to anyone that you’re just nipping away to evacuate your bowels, TBH, but even if you want to make that announcement, you might want to phrase it differently, depending on the audience.

Does it make sense? Yep. Would you generally say it! Ehhhhhhh…

[-]

NotAnotherThing@reddit

Yes, but a lot of people will think that is a rude way to say it.

[-]

CompleteLoquat7865@reddit

Going to see a man about a dog

[-]

NotAnotherThing@reddit

Yes but a lot of people will think that was a rude way to say it

[-]

Even_Video7549@reddit

whey aye haha

[-]

Interesting_Fish309@reddit

Depends on what company your in haha.

[-]

drPmakes@reddit

Just say you're going to the loo!

[-]

freebiscuit2002@reddit

If it's going to be a biggy, "Uh-oh, it's King Kong's finger".

[-]

Austen_Tasseltine@reddit

We’re British and do these things properly: it’s “Bungle’s leg” if you don’t mind.

[-]

WayneCl@reddit

When I worked in a BBC newsroom one of my senior colleagues would use this and similar crude language for his trips to the toilet. But he was a well-known broadcaster so I suppose he could say anything he wanted and get away with it.

[-]

Leeroywildman@reddit

I say “i gotta go desecrate your crapper” if I’m round someone’s house.

[-]

Tallman_james420@reddit

On work time, it's 'time and a turd'

[-]

robparfrey@reddit

Im not one to say it really.

But a good few of my freind group would use this in casual converstation.

[-]

sock_cooker@reddit

In refined company, one says "dropping the kids off at the pool" or "the turtle's poking its head out"

[-]

Soft-Reference-3197@reddit

We don’t use the bathroom. We use the toilet. Or Lav. Or in my house, the old trafford.

[-]

TheDarkestStjarna@reddit

You can, but I wouldn't advise it in most circumstances

[-]

qmzpl@reddit

Yes its perfectly normal to use this in any social situation

[-]

Familiar_Radish_6273@reddit

What!? No it is definitely not!

[-]

Aware_Animator_7314@reddit

i hope this is a (weird) joke. I would think it was kind of disgusting if anyone said this, even my friends but especially a man. (I’m a British woman)

[-]

Naughty-Stepper@reddit

I prefer to visit the departure lounge. Of course, need a dump also works.

[-]

Geezer-McGeezer@reddit

We dont need to know what you are doing, just say you need to go.

[-]

clutchnorris123@reddit

I'm Scottish and I would probably say that anywhere but at a white collar job.

[-]

Winkered@reddit

So a white collared jobbie.

Sorry.

[-]

ProfessionalEven296@reddit

Having kids and grandkids, we’re more likely to say “Need go potty” 😝

[-]

Commandopsn@reddit

Yes

[-]

CapedConsumit@reddit

Good God no

[-]

Fyonella@reddit

Crikey! Glad I’ve never come across any toddler whose parent’s felt it was acceptable to say it!

[-]

Current_Fly9337@reddit

To say shit? My son is a teenager now and still likes to declare when he’s going for a poo. Sometimes he’ll be upstairs and shout/text that he’s going for a poo, no need whatsoever.

[-]

CaptH3inzB3anz@reddit

Better to say one of the following;

Dropping the kids off at the pool

Releasing a chocolate hostage

Going for an Eartha Kitt

[-]

Sxn747Strangers@reddit

Poo, number two, pressure relief valve has gone (farted).
Pee, wee, slash, hit the porcelain, I’m going where the pricks hang out, I’m gonna burst.

[-]

Specialist-Web7854@reddit

Not in polite company.

[-]

freebiscuit2002@reddit

Choice of words matters. Shit and piss are the same level of vulgarity. Poo and wee are the same level, but a bit less vulgar. There are alternatives that are more widely acceptable, and some funny euphemisms.

[-]

Away-Ad4393@reddit

Just say excuse me and leave the room. If you don’t know where the toilet is just say “ Excuse me please could you tell me where the toilet is?”

[-]

asymmetricears@reddit

Yes, but it's very informal and quite rude to the wrong ears. You'd say it to your mates, but not to work colleagues (unless it's a very informal environment), children, or older family members.

You could say I need to use the toilet/bathroom/facilities and keep it vague. If you need to specify that it will take longer you'd say that you need a number 2.

[-]

Ambitious_Jeweler816@reddit

Yeah, go for it

[-]

Vic_Serotonin@reddit

It’s usually more polite to excuse yourself and then when you return announce loudly to the room that you had a nice sheeet.

[-]

stools_in_your_blood@reddit

"Need a poo" is at roughly the same level of (in)formality as "need a wee". "Need a shit" means the same thing but is much more vulgar. "Need a dump" is somewhere in between.

[-]

bananabastard@reddit

Better to say you're going for an Eartha Kitt.

[-]

bananabastard@reddit

I wouldn't say either.

[-]

Moist-Car817@reddit

Would you say it where you live in doubt it.

[-]

Aware_Ad_431@reddit

https://youtube.com/shorts/AdthPiNxcAQ?si=jr3bL9upwnI1_BX2

[-]

Haunting_Cell_8876@reddit

I'd hoped it would be that. Thank you!

[-]

Aware_Ad_431@reddit

If nothing else, we’re a predictable bunch 😬

[-]

Haunting_Cell_8876@reddit

The old boy who took me on as an apprentice plumber used to say something that could not be repeated in the internet.

[-]

YogusMaximus@reddit

I've got to go, I'm touching cloth

[-]

jado5150@reddit

The key phrase I would suggest is, know your audience. So if you think something you're going to say is cause for hesitation then generally don't say it.

[-]

Aware_Ad_431@reddit

Say “ I’m dropping the kids off at the pool” 🤣🤣

[-]

Haunting_Cell_8876@reddit

Say you're going to hang a brown bear in a porcelain cave.

[-]

sorderon@reddit

My dad would say 'Dropping the kids off at the pool' or 'going to cast churchill's shadow'

[-]

Shannoonuns@reddit

I would only say "I need a shit" in front of adults who i know would find it funny.

Im front of kids i know would find it funny i might say "i need a poo", "I need a number 2" or "I need to lay a log"

Otherwise I'll just say "I just need the toilet/loo/bathroom" ect

[-]

mrstenmeister@reddit

Depends on the audience

[-]

MrSmokii@reddit

"i'm going to drop the kids off" (at the pool)
"i'm off to tend to some business"
"i'm turtling, must dash"
"just need to 3D print something, back in a bit"

[-]

Far-Hospital-9961@reddit

Can you? Yes. Should you? Probably not.

[-]

Upbeat_Branch_4231@reddit

No. It's rude (vulgar). Politely one might say "I need the toilet". Or "I need the loo".

[-]

Jumpy-Scallion-9463@reddit

"I am filled with the urge to defecate "

[-]

NewSpell9343@reddit

Ewww. Please don't 🙈

[-]

BellendBuilder@reddit

Yes.

If you work in my industry a “just going for a shit pal won’t be long” is more than acceptable. Moreso that lads don’t ask why the fuck has it taken so long to have a piss..or be handed a bottle so you don’t have to walk across site from some scruffy cunt.