Staying abroad for love?
Posted by Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 18 comments
Hi all, I moved to Spain for an exchange program. My plan was always to move back to the States for reasons of family and friends (my mom is aging, and I think only has a few years left). Also, my current permit is not a work permit and with that as well as a tighter labor market, I realized it might be really hard to find a job that would enable me to take the flight back home. It just seemed unsustainable to stay. Anywho, I met someone who I consider the love of my life and that has me questioning everything. She's been extremely supportive of me--looking for job connections, lawyer connections. I'm worried about getting a job, switching fields, and staying for a person when I wasn't really happy before because of feeling unstable. As of now, I'm aiming to go back and have a potential job back home, but I'm wondering if I'll be filled with regret and have a bigger hole when I go back (I really can't see myself dating someone else after this). I'm starting to think I'll miss it here more. Any experiences/thoughts from people who have been in similar situations? Part of me just wants to connect with people for support, to know that I will be okay!
Downtown-Storm4704@reddit
Focus on your own goals and ambitions. If your only aim is to teach ESL, Spain can work, especially if you’re okay with irregular contracts, instability and relatively low pay for a long time. But if you feel even the slightest itch now imagine how it's going to feel long-term if stuck and unfulfilled and if you have bigger aspirations, you might want to think more strategically. Personally, I’d put real effort into convincing my partner to move with me to the U.S. or go long distance, gaining professional experience in the U.S. before committing to Spain permanently.
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
You’ve lived in Spain as well, living here, I don’t think ESL teaching is the way to go it seems.
lazysundae99@reddit
Is it an option to move home and do long-distance for a bit while you sort out what you want the next stage of your life to look like? I did back and forth for a while which helped clarify for me which of the places felt more like home, and what I was giving up vs getting in return. I also needed that time anyway for paperwork and getting my visa in order.
It is a massive decision and you should take the time and weigh all the variables before you lock into one direction or another.
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
Also in the end what did you find out from the back and forth? One thing I also worry about is visa process doing back and forth since I’m from the US and my partner is from Spain. I worry if I leave transitioning back to worry will be harder and that’s kind of my hang-up right now
Downtown-Storm4704@reddit
The longer you stay the harder it is to leave.
lazysundae99@reddit
For me it was a lot of the intangible soul-searching stuff - that I was always excited to come back to the Netherlands but would dread the countdown to going back to the US. That I didn't feel connected to my hometown anymore, and would pretty much just work and do nothing when stateside. That, with that knowledge, I didn't feel tied down to a place in the US and could go hangout anywhere while I waited for my Schengen days to reset.
On the flipside, also recognizing that living in a different country felt strange (even simple things like going to the grocery store or navigating public transportation can make you feel like it's your first day on earth) and that no one fully understands the life you have led to this point.
There's also of course the actual logistics - job, language, taxes, stuff - that you'll want to make a plan for.
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
Yeah. Honestly the logistically stuff related to job and such are what’s getting me! I’ve only been back home once so I wonder with a move back how that will feel.
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
It is. Part of me thinks that might be delaying a break-up process but I’ve thought it that. If I did decide to move back, it also allows planning on a more thoughtful way which might make me feel like I’m taking less huge risks.
Advanced-Parking173@reddit
Have you told your family and what do they say? I think generally parents may be inclined to support and encourage you to stay for longer with your relationship if they really love you. If they have met the girl and can see how she makes you happy then they’ll be even more inclined to do this and it should make your decision easier.
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
I have and they are concerned about what I’d do for work and that I’m making the decision only for her. I have other things here but I do worry abt the job stuff
Rich-Strain-1543@reddit
Some others have already chimed in, but basically I agree that there's no 1 right answer here. It comes down to you and her and what you really want.
For what it's worth, this sounds a lot like the situation my wife and I were in. I am actually Spanish-American but had been living in Japan long-term. I met my wife in Japan when she was just traveling through Japan. She is Australian. So, basically she just stayed on tourist visas and came in and out of Japan for the first year of our relationship. (So technically we were long-distance for almost 6 months, living together for 6 months.) She had been in the middle of a trip around the world at the time that she met me, so this didn't derail her plans TOO badly. Then she applied for a student visa to study Japanese in a language school. She did that for about 6 months. Then we eloped and I was able to get her a dependent visa for Japan, for the last year or so that we were there.
But due to the lack of employment opportunities for her in Japan, we decided to move to Australia a few months ago.
Honestly, I never planned to leave Japan and I am finding the move to Australia more challenging than I originally thought. I am slowly adjusting (and grieving). But I'm glad I did it in the end. I had given up on dating entirely when I met her, and so had she. But we're happy.
And luckily, both of us being from countries that acknowledge same-sex marriage means that we have the option to move in the future.
But meanwhile, I've been an expat for 15 years. That's 15 years away from my aging parents that I will never get back. The expat life is not without major drawbacks. You have to decide what your priorities are, whether they align with your girlfriend's, and whether a life together is something worth fighting for. If it is, you have options as you both have relatively powerful passports.
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
Wow. This is such a lovely story…and also takes so much trust. For her, was it the language that limited opportunities? Tha plus the work visa is what I feel like here though I think I could work in Spanish within a year. Unfortunately my partner’s level of English is pretty low so I know that she has similar fears in relocating the states
Rich-Strain-1543@reddit
The language was a major part of the problem in Japan for her. She's a typical English speaker in that she's found it incredibly difficult to pick up any foreign language, much less one so challenging as Japanese. She works in the scientific field, so in order to get her Japanese up to that level... honestly it probably wouldn't ever happen, no matter how much she tried. And given our ages, she was at prime earning age. Didn't make sense for her to stay in Japan, either remaining unemployed or doing menial factory work for 10 bucks an hour, when we could move to Australia and she could easily get a six figure paycheck anywhere.
There were other issues. I was burnt out on the Japanese worklife, and wasn't seeing any good career opportunities. Visa restrictions on the both of us. My wife not having any long-term path to residency on the dependent visa, since same-sex marriage isn't legalized in Japan. Etc. Just a lot of factors stacked up against staying in Japan.
When it came to where to move, our main options were Australia, the states, Spain, or other parts of the EU. Neither of us wants to move to the states so that was ruled out. Spain has the problem that my wife doesn't speak Spanish so we'd be in that same issue. Other parts of the EU might work but if we're sticking to English only, that basically restricts us to Ireland. It also seemed more stressful to move to a new 3rd country where neither of us knows how things works. So, we decided on Australia. My wife is back to work, rebuilding her work history a bit since she ended up taking a 3 year break (between her world travel + staying with me in Japan). I'm managing to work and have better opportunities here, anyway. Just culturally a little hard for me.
Anyway, sorry for the long text. Just sharing my experience since it's very similar to yours and I completely understand. Since I'm native in English, it made our experience simpler as it gives us at least 1 country where we both can speak the native language and therefore have good job opportunities.
I wish you the best
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
No need for the apology with the long text!! I really appreciate it. That makes sense. I’m struggling with it here—I can speak Spanish (learned here)—-enough to fall in love in the language but somehow not to work which seems stupid! So I feel like that is a barrier of mine here but I know it’s be worse for my partner in the states. I’ve suggested a third Spanish speaking country as an option because I know many latam countries have more open residency policies than here. Hopefully we’ll figuring something out! Thank you for all the info :)
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
Here is a trick you can use to help yourself to decide.
Pretend it is 2024 or 2025. You are thinking about going an exchange program in Spain. I warn you that life abroad doesn’t stop, and what if you fall in love or what if accidental pregnancy happens? What would be your response in 2024? Would you imagine yourself to stay in Spain for love, or would you see yourself sticking to your original plans of returning back.
SpaceBetweenNL@reddit
It's worth it. I stay in my current city ONLY because I'm in love with a girl who's more beautiful than anyone I ever met.
Early_Switch1222@reddit
this is one of those decisions where there genuinly isnt a clean answer and anyone who tells you otherwise is oversimplifying it
i didnt move for love specifically but i stayed in the netherlands partly because of the life i was building here, and partly because the person i was with at the time was part of that. the thing nobody tells you is that going back doesnt actually reset things to how they were before. you come back different, your friendships shifted while you were gone, and theres this weird gap between the version of home you remember and the one thats actually there
the aging parent thing is real tho and i dont want to minimize that at all. thats not something you can undo or catch up on later
Ambitious_Agency5486@reddit (OP)
I’ve thought of that that about going back…that it won’t be the same/the gap. I feel the gap already. I really think if I had a set job here I’d feel differently! That way I could also work towards going back and seeing parents more. When you first moved to the Netherlands did you approach it as a more permanent move? Thank you for sayings it’s not so clear cut!!