To move back to the UK or not to move back to the UK, that is the question
Posted by mapleswamp@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 16 comments
My husband (52) and I (f,48) moved to California in 2016. We eventually landed in Fairfield County, CT (via Manhattan and Brooklyn) 5 years ago. We have a 6yo and a dog, brought a house with a pool, life here is objectively amazing. My husband works mostly from home in a fintech job he likes, although is a bit bored of, and gets a very good salary and all the perks. My kid was diagnosed with ASD when he turned 3 and the support he gets in the public school system is honestly amazing.
However, my parents (who are basically Brits) moved to Ireland some 25 years ago and now 80 and really beginning to struggle. They live in a very remote area, 4 hours drive from the nearest US-serving airport, and absolutely love it but spend most of their time now either driving to Doctors appointments 2 hours away or recovering from the trips. They refuse to travel to the US for political reasons, and refuse to travel anywhere else because they can’t leave their dog.
We do visit Ireland once a year but it’s a hard journey for my son. I feel guilty for living so far away and that they don’t have much of a relationship with their only grandchild, although when we are there they don’t make much effort to connect or change their routine at all. I’m not being dramatic, they’re just very, very set in their ways and not used to people, least of all small ones. Also, my dad hates Americans with a passion and will say horrible things about them in front of my (very literall-thinking) son who is, of course, American. I am not comfortable with the way things are politically in the US atm but I have hope that things can evolve for the better. Naturally, there are things I miss about the Uk (banter, more arts, less college pressure, pubs, public rights of way, the supermarkets, close to European countries etc).
My husband (who is EU, not British), has apparently been listening to me and secured a job offer in London. He says it’s up to me to decide if we move. I have no idea what to do. I think he feels I’ve let him down not being fully happy with this amazing life he has given us. He himself is third-culture and not close to his family so he can’t understand that part reallly. He’s always said he doesn’t want to live in the UK because weather, Brexit, drunkeness, weather, unfriendliness, weather.
We would be based in London, which I found totally overwhelming when I lived there but then I was in my 20s and skint. I hear state school provision for ASD kids will be nothing like what we get here, but if we do move I think we need to do it before my kid gets older otherwise the very real culture difference will be too hard. Living in London would put me closer to my folks but it would still be a full days travel, just not also 5 time zones. I should add that I currently work part time around caring for my son, but I am a musician and my earning potential would be a drop in the bucket here should my husband lose his job. I would like to study/retrain but here in the US at my age it’s just SO expensive.
Thanks for reading. Does this resonate with anyone? Has anyone moved to London with an ASD kid and thrived?
ourtransatlanticlife@reddit
It’s best to prioritize your own family and your son’s care. You may regret not giving him the best care possible if you make the move. But do your research and see if there are similar options in London. Perhaps you can take a few extra visits to visit your parents a year on your own?
zyine@reddit
Explore [r/agingparents] (https://old.reddit.com/r/AgingParents/).Trying to help parents who don't want help almost never works out. Neither does uprooting your family to move closer to them.
zyine@reddit
What is the visa situation? Do you and spouse have green cards or US citizenships? What visa would spouse use to be in the UK?
If green cards, they will be lost if moving out of the US and if things don't work out in the UK, you couldn't just come back.
callipygian0@reddit
We are Brits who also lived in Fairfield county (Weston) and had to return to the uk for various reasons including an elderly parent who had been diagnosed with dementia and now 2 years later we are moving back. It’s pretty disruptive to move back and forth with kids and I wish we hadn’t left but it was largely unavoidable.
Wonderful-Blueberry@reddit
It sounds like the only reason you’re seriously considering moving back is because of your parents. Honestly I get wanting to be closer to them but you moving closer to them isn’t going to change how hard it is for them to access medical support living in a remote area. Why don’t they move somewhere less remote? Probably because they are stuck in their ways and you moving closer isn’t going to change their stubbornness.
You also mentioned that you wish they had a closer relationship with their grandchild but when you’re there they don’t make much an effort so that says a lot. You might very well end up resentful and disappointed if you decide to uproot your entire life for them and they don’t change their ways or try to make an effort with their grandchild.
If your parents are just one of the several reasons you want to move then sure, that might make sense but don’t move just for your parents when have a pretty amazing life in California (your words). Also moving to London isn’t going to change how bored your husband is with his job. He very likely will end up a little bored at his new job as well after the dust has settled.
Unknown_Geek027@reddit
I'm thinking of this from the elder perspective. Your parents have caused part of this problem by moving to a rural area. They need to move closer to medical facilities and support facilities. If they eventually need home care or full nursing home care, where would that be?
It doesn't sound like they are helping themselves. I wouldn't uproot your family when they don't appear to want your help. They need to meet you halfway. If they agree to move closer to a major city or airport, you can be more helpful either from CT or UK. Don't sacrifice your family or marriage for stubborn parents.
Primary-Angle4008@reddit
German living in London
Honestly I’m in the process of packing up and moving to India which is my husbands home country as yes I have to say it things are better there if you even have a medium income.
I’m here 20 years now and it’s getting worse by the day, the NHS is going downhill, all my friends with special need kids struggle immensely regardless of where on the spectrum, schools is a bit of a lottery and cost of living goes up and life in London isn’t cheap
My son was diagnosed with epilepsy last year and wasn’t seen on the nhs as we weren’t taken serious. His treatment from diagnosis to medication and follow ups is all in India (irony by an nhs trained dr), he is on meds the NHS wouldn’t prescribe as first treatment due to cost even if it’s known it’s less impacting on mental health
Anyways if your life and support system is great where you are then stay there and don’t come, London is still a long way from Ireland Maybe you could look at doing a couple of solo trips a year to visit your parents if they don’t seem to be too attached to the grandson
But after a recent experience with a family friend please make sure your parents have things like power of attorney etc in place
SeanBourne@reddit
It's going to sound cold, but I think you prioritize your son, and not your parents. Your son depends on you and can't make choices for himself. Your parents, though aging, have agency... and have stubbornly chosen to be so far out in the middle of nowhere that they have to spend 2 hours getting to needed medical care. That's their choice... as are all the other things you have described. (You have a dog as well, but it doesn't prevent you from traveling for example.) They've had a full life, OTOH your son's life is just beginning.
The US, particularly a state like Connecticut will be clearly the best environment for him. (The US has it's issues, but support for ASD is tops.)
To add to that, it sounds like your husband would be miserable in the UK as well.
Stay in CT - I think it's the far better move long term.
Dry_Instance_7656@reddit
I moved in 2021 from suburban metropolitan US to UK (not London) with US wife and daughter who was about to enter high school to be closer to my recently widowed father who lives in France. I thought I missed what you are missing about the UK but I am now with a partner who now doesn’t like living in the UK and a child who got far better care and attention in the US than they do in the UK. While we will all be fine (our daughter is in college back in US and loving it), if I had the chance to go back, I would not have uprooted my family. My wife loves me but while I thought I was making the move for everyone in my family (the move is insane for non Uk citizen spouse), I now realize that I was doing it for myself and the guilt of being away from my parents - one of whom recently died. As obvious as it sounds, it took me five years to realise that. My parents didn’t want me to uproot my life for them, no good parent does. You sound like you’ve got a good family there. Your husband clearly loves you but the decision cannot just be yours, it should be your family’s. And, honestly with a great life right now and a child been taken care of, you are outvoted.
AccountForDoingWORK@reddit
Another dual U.S./UK here, recently moved back to the U.K. after 15 years in the U.S (albeit to Scotland). Honestly, your husband’s complaints about the U.K. aren’t wrong. We moved here to get away from the US political culture and to have access to affordable medical care, but the medical care in the U.K. isn’t as advanced as what you get in the U.S. if you have the kind of money your husband is making and it does not do great with complex health needs. England’s disability system also seems like it’s on par with the US in terms of being difficult (and frankly borderline traumatising) to apply for.
We’re an autistic family as well and while London might be better than the rest of the U.K. for a lot of that, the U.K. in general does not handle differences well, and it’s harder being autistic here IMO. Home education just became a lot more restrictive in England too, in case you find that’s what you need to do (as we did, without planning on it).
The travel to Europe is the best part but I’ll be honest, I spend all year planning on the times I get to get out of the UK. I don’t regret coming here because it was better than staying in the US with everything going on, but it’s absolutely not what I would have chosen for my family if we had more options. I was not particularly happy growing up in England (Cambridge area) and as an autistic adult back in the U.K., not much has changed.
TheBurningQuill@reddit
It's a hard question. Loads of Americans in this sub will say move but as someone in the UK now I'd urge caution. We are in a pretty dark place ourselves at the moment and the likelihood is that the US will emerge from its issues before we do. We will likely have a Reform or Reform/Conservative coalition in the next election and the current government are almost universally hated.
Schooling in London is a very mixed bag. You have some of the best schools in the world (look up the Michaela Free School) and some of the worst, so huge research is required. The healthcare provided by the NHS isn't great. You trade insurance worries for "will I ever get a doctor's appointment" and 18 month waits for referrals. If you are on a solid and affordable plan I'd think carefully.
The college pressure here is very real. University is very expensive here but without the same level of rewards that the US system provides. Unless you can get into a top 5 university, or are doing a course like Medicine, it's questionable whether you get a return on investment.
Essentially, I'd move to a stable and prosperous situation in California in a heartbeat from where I am sat.
Tardislass@reddit
This. And honestly, her sons disability will be better treated in American schools. That is one of the good aspects of America, much more compassion and focus of autistic and ADHD kids in school.
Is there a way that you could go over and spend time with your folks? I have coworkers that are immigrants and some have taken leave and gone back to visit their elderly parents. Do you have any siblings that can help? Quite frankly the fact your parents hate Americans and won’t come to visit you is also an issue. But only you can decide. The UK has drifted slowly to the right again and based on Starmers unpopularity, Tories will probably be back in power sometime soon.
Is there no other relatives that can check up on them for you?
mmoonbelly@reddit
British - also left London in 2016 and moved to NL - and moved to France in 2022 with two young kids (10 and 6 then).
Please be very careful about the disruption this will cause your kid
We’d assumed that our kids having grown up in the French school system overseas would have no issues. (UK/Fr family)
It took them 3 full years to find their space and find friends. Our youngest, who was born in NL, still spends time pining for her previous life.
Overall we’re happy here. But if we’d moved back to London, the stress of the city with kids might have been too much. We left London because it was highly complicated with one kid and two jobs. And that was before we started thinking about schools.
We did make a move back from the US to London in 2012 when my wife was pregnant with our first, and found integration after 18 months far easier than the cultural difference to the US, same experience in NL.
But - we didn’t have children in the US, and our friends there were all expats.
SondraRose@reddit
US/UK dual national, English husband.
We just moved back to the UK after 16 years, along with our dog. It was honestly the most stressful and exhausting experience ever, even though it went well and I’ve done 2 previous US/UK moves.
No kids. However, I would suggest spending at least a week in London on your next visit over, talk to the schools, etc and see how you feel before planning a move. Travel around the UK/EU feels more time-consuming now that we are here! It’s a change in perspective that I didn’t imagine before the move.
I left behind my parents in their mid 80s. (They moved to the States from London in 1962.) One of my sisters lives with them, two others visit regularly, and we have monthly FaceTime calls. Honestly, they sound a lot like your parents and their energy/attention span is very small now. I plan to visit once a year, or more, as needed. They were sad, but very supportive of our move (politics.) I miss them, but even our last in-person visits were very brief, because of their health issues/energy levels. Video calls are honestly better for all of us.
I don’t regret the move at all, but I hated the heat in the SW US where we lived and prefer the food/culture of the UK. My husband is having a harder time adjusting, but he is a desert lizard in his soul, lol!
Good luck with your decision.
RangaRevival@reddit
To me this is insane you’re thinking of moving back and sacrificing you and your husbands future for family. They realistically might only have a year or so left,then what? It’s not like you’re moving to Ireland,you’ll be in London,so visiting them is still extremely difficult,you still have to fly + drive to them and at their age they are not likely to be doing the commuting,as you’ve mentioned!
You cannot live your life for someone else,parents included. You could have another 30-40 years on the planet,i know I wouldn’t want to give up that time for potentially only a few years with my folks.
Sounds like you have a great life in the US. And as a Brit that also lives overseas,and has been back recently like yourselves,it is fucking miserable there to say the least. It’s expensive,the weather is horrendous etc etc
Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh I’m just trying to make you see past the next 5 years or so
Sensitive-Issue84@reddit
I live near you. I love it here in N. California. I would move in a heartbeat. Maybe don't sell your home if you can manage not to? It's hard to get back after moving away. I lost my parents a long time ago, and the pain never goes away. it just gets easier to live with. You should spend as much time with them as you can, your son also they are his grandparents and it'll be good for him also. Good luck OP. I hope you chose what's best for you.