Emily Post and Miss Manners didn't cover this topic
Posted by paciolionthegulf@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 233 comments
I'm on the older end of GenX and unfortunately that means some funerals. Here's my modern etiquette question for all of you... ex-spouse attending the funeral, yay or nay?
This happened recently at a friend's funeral and my reaction was not positive. She didn't want to be married to him, it was a bitter divorce, so why did he show up for the services? The kids are well launched into adulthood (27 and 31) so it's not like he was on carpool duty or anything.
But maybe I'm just getting old and this is the done thing now, I don't know. Please confer some internet wisdom.
Beneficial_Pickle322@reddit
Nope, I will not be attending my exs funeral and I will put in my will to hire armed guards to keep her the heck out of mine
Just_Trish_92@reddit
As it happens, one of my sisters were talking just today about how our father grieved for our mother, even though they had been divorced for several years by the time she died. He came to the funeral home both to pay his respects to his former wife and to offer his condolences to us, his children, on the loss of our mother. If he had chosen to come to the funeral Mass the next day, I would not have considered anything inappropriate in that.
At death, people often realize how important someone was to them in a way they never did before.
supershinythings@reddit
When my father passed, his first ex-wife showed up to his funeral.
The story is that if my mother, his second ex-wife, attended, we’d be seeing two 80-something old ladies cat-fighting over all the drama that exploded in 1963.
My Mom didn’t show - she made up some BS excuse and I did the funeral without any support from her or my asshole full-brother, who also made up some BS excuse to not attend.
Funerals are for the living. First ex-wife did not put on the show she was threatening because my Mom wasn’t there.
But none of them offered to pay for anything regarding the funeral, and I’ll always remember that about them.
SarcasticGirl27@reddit
I would think that as long as the ex-spouse sat & didn’t draw attention to themselves, it would be fine. They could just be paying respects. They could be there to support the mutual children, no matter their age. As long as the ex-spouse didn’t make a scene or a fool of themselves, it’s fine.
randombarbs@reddit
My father came to support my brother at our mother's funeral. My brother was in his 30's.
Ugh_NotAgainMan@reddit
If he was there to gloat, say bad things, nay. But he could’ve been there just to pay respects or support his kids and in that case it’s a big yay. Even though the divorce may have been bitter, especially if it was some time ago, he could have realized his part in it and wished he somehow made amends with her.
fatnhangry8@reddit
I think it depends on the relationship. My ex and I separated amicably over 15 years ago and we have both attended funeral services for each other's family. Our children are adults now, but we always sat with each other at their theater performances and sporting events too.
nixtarx@reddit
Probably wanted to make sure he was dead, lol. My dad's first wife came to his funeral, my mom didn't, and I went with his widow and my half-sister. Life is weird. Death is weirder...sometimes.
LadyMayhem02@reddit
I’d go to my ex’s. We don’t hate each other or anything. Both now have spouses that we love. But I feel like our daughter may need me. I think I may ask her. He did tell me once to come and make sure his first ex wife stays away. I may just have to sit outside for that reason alone. His wife doesn’t need to see that crazy.
Guardsred70@reddit
Well, I sure as hell wouldn’t go to my ex wife’s funeral.
I mean, if they need someone to urinate into the open coffin and nobody else can produce urine…I’d try to help out.
But otherwise, I wouldn’t want to go. I’d be annoyed if my ex wife came to mine. I might actually pee in a jar and leave instructions that someone is to dump it on her if she appears. :)
juliettelovesdante@reddit
My dad went to my mom's funeral to be supportive of their kids together, nieces & nephews who considered him an uncle, other family who accepted him as family until they divorced. Even though it didn't end well & she hated him, I think he felt it was good to acknowledge she was a human being who mattered. I thought it was nice & the right thing to do.
Born_Joke@reddit
My ex passed. I attended to support my son.
SpacerCat@reddit
Funerals are for the living. People attend to comfort and support those who are grieving.
ReindeerWise5170@reddit
I would go. I still respect my ex-spouse, his family, and my kids enough to do that. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. My kids might need my support. My ex’s extended family deserve to know that I still want to be there for them as well.
tcrhs@reddit
He was probably there to support his children as they buried their mother. He loved his adult children more than he hated his ex-wife.
Cinisajoy2@reddit
If the adult children wanted their dad there great.
Cinisajoy2@reddit
Now the oddest thing I saw was when my son's grandfather died. His dad and I had been divorced for decades and I was politely told by the family that I would be attending the funeral. They had even arranged it so if my husband couldn't get off work, one of the relatives would bring me as it was an out of town funeral.
After the funeral, we (husband and I)are told to go to luncheon. When we get there, we are told you will be sitting at the family table next to Mama. Her son my ex was relegated to another table.
GalianoGirl@reddit
A traffic accident on the way to my ex fil’s funeral prevented me from attending. I was to speak at it.
Depending on the length of the marriage, relationships can extend beyond a divorce.
And even adult children need support when their grandparent or parent does.
The memorial for my Dad is next month, my ex and their new wife are attending. Our children are all adults. Our divorce was horrific.
am312@reddit
My mom (1st wife) went to my dad's funeral. My dad's second wife (bad divorce) was told specifically not to come. 🤷♀️ Every situation is different
Cinisajoy2@reddit
Mine was the other way around.
Cinisajoy2@reddit
It has been almost 30 years ago. Dad had been married and divorced twice. His second wife attended the funeral and I would have expected her too. My mom on the other hand did not attend the funeral. She offered to come to the funeral if my brother and I needed her. Since my parents couldn't stand each other we told her she didn't need to come to the funeral. We may have also been preventing any drama.
Funny thing was dad's older sisters were beyond upset that mom wasn't there for her children. (We were 31 and 27 at the time).
bananasoupson@reddit
When my father passed away very suddenly my mother and he had been divorced for longer than they had been married. She demanded all the funeral details so she could attend. She never moved past him and believed she was still in love with him. He however had remarried and had more children. My mother is the Queen of narcissists, I knew she’d cause a huge scene. We all told her no repeatedly. She started calling around to try and find what funeral home they were using. I had to step up and in absolute furry tell her that if she dared to show up I’d never speak to her again. His passing was not about her. It was about his wife and children. For once she listened and did not attend. She still managed to find where he was buried and became a nuisance.
Grouchy_Barnacle_873@reddit
I've not been in that particular situation, but I lost my parents in my 40s and I appreciated all the support I had from other people.
Round-Public435@reddit
I will be in that situation at some point, as will my ex-spouse. We have children between us, and though the children are well into adulthood, I have often wondered if I should attend his funeral when it happens. If I do, it will be because I want to support my children as their mother, not out of any feelings for the ex or to support his family. I will ask my children if they want me there when the time comes - if they tell me they're fine with me not being there, then I won't go. I plan to tell them the same thing about my funeral - if they want him there, they are welcome to invite him, but only if they want him there. I will be beyond caring at that point.
gabrielroth@reddit
In general, the more people at a funeral the better, as long as they behave appropriately while they’re there.
CatelynsCorpse@reddit
She wasn't there for him, she was there for her kids. They may be adults, but they're still her kids. So yeah, it's acceptable and it's absolutely fine.
gmhelwig@reddit
So long as everyone is civil, I don't give a damn who shows up, or not, to my funeral.
formerretailwhore@reddit
My mom's family didnt appreciate my dad going to her funeral, but I did
I was closer to both my parents than my extended family
It wasnt a great divorce but she would have wanted dad there for me and their grandbabies
beneficialmirror13@reddit
My grandma's ex came to her funeral. I would have preferred he didn't because he was an AH, but it seemed like no one really cared if he was there or not. If the family cares enough to keep the ex out, I think that's fine but it could be they weren't concerned.
Neener216@reddit
Funerals aren't for those who have passed away; they're for those who have been left behind.
If being there provided his children or even himself a bit of comfort and closure, he absolutely should have been there.
daddydillo892@reddit
This is the answer. He was there to support his kids, whether they were adults or not, he was there to support them because they were grieving.
Neener216@reddit
And if I'm being completely honest, I hope anyone who feels compelled to say goodbye to me will attend my own funeral. You can say "Goodbye, I loved you", or "Good riddance, you got on my last nerve", and I'd be perfectly fine with either sentiment. These are thoughts and feelings YOU will have to carry around with you for however long you're still alive; none of them will have the power to touch or wound me where I've gone :)
Go on, get it out of your system with my best wishes!
AcanthisittaPlus5047@reddit
When my ex died, I was the one who arranged his wake. Why? We had spent 15 years of our live together. I also knew what his final wishes were.
Foulwinde@reddit
Even though the marriage ended, there was something there when it started. They should be allowed to pay their respects and offer their condolences to the family that remains, unless the ex was a spousal abuser.
Frecklefishpants@reddit
My husband and I, his parents and mine are all attending the visitation for his ex wife's father tomorrow. My stepkids are young adults but devastated to have lost their grandpa and we are supporting them.
AcanthisittaPlus5047@reddit
It is perfectly reasonable that a parent would attend the funeral of their children's other parent.
Just because the children are adults does not mean they don't need the support of their surviving parent during their time of grief!
elphaba00@reddit
My mom's parents were divorced for a long time. My grandfather was a textbook narcissist. So when my grandma was the first to go --- and I'm sure she was pissed that he outlived her --- he sat himself right in the front row for the entire visitation and service, like he was the guest of honor. By that time, they hadn't been married for 30+ years.
My dad's parents were also divorced. When my paternal grandfather died, my grandma went to the funeral home before everyone else, including his new wife, and was allowed a few moments alone with him. The funeral director knew who she was and just allowed her to have some time. That, I feel, is far classier.
WhatTheHellPod@reddit
I mean there are people I loathe whose funerals I would attend just to make sure the bastard is really dead. Maybe this was the case.
dixiequick@reddit
I went to my ex’s grandma’s funeral not too long ago. Even though I hate him with the passion of all the burning suns, I have a good relationship with his family and wanted to support his mom (I know damn well how it feels to lose a mom that is your best friend). Not to mention that they are my daughters’ family as well. However, his funeral would probably be a different story.
VeniVidiVici_19@reddit
I think this is highly up for debate. My SIL’s (husband’s brother’s wife) father passed away a few years ago. We went to the funeral. I expected his ex wife to be there (the reason being to support her daughters and grandchildren, not on behalf of the deceased). My husband was sure she wasn’t going to be there because he knew the divorce had been bitter.
Turns out my husband was right, she was not there. I’ve thought about it a lot since then. I still think I would show up for my kids regardless of age or my feelings towards the deceased. Funerals are for the living and not the dead, after all.
Pink_pineapple_pizza@reddit
My mom and stepdad came to my dad’s funeral. They were not friendly, but I imagine they came to be supportive of me and my brother. Also, regardless of how things ended, they were a major part of each other’s lives when they were younger, and I assume she also wanted to pay her respects. I was probably too young and too wrapped up in my own grief to think anything at all about it, but I don’t remember it being any kind of issue.
Wyldemage@reddit
I attended my ex father in law's funeral recently. I had great respect for the man, and was there to support my children, who were having a hard time coping with his loss.
I'd do the same thing if their mother passes before I do. It's about being supportive of the survivors (in this case, my children) as much as it's paying respects to the deceased.
Old_Cyrus@reddit
I’m expecting to be in the same situation soon. My ex’s mother is in hospice care. I’ll wait for my ex to tell me whether or not to show, but her parents were better people than my own could ever hope to be.
Wyldemage@reddit
I didn’t ask. I called my ex and told her I’d be there for the kids, and to pay my respects to her father. I stayed to the back of the funeral home during the services and at the graveside after expressing my condolences to her and my ex MIL, and all six of her brothers. There was no drama. They were all genuinely happy that I cared enough to be there.
Slight-Bowl4240@reddit
Anyone who reads this shouldn’t the ex (mother of the deceased adult children) be mentioned in the obit too?
k80k80k80@reddit
Depends on the relationship.
Prestigious_Ad_1037@reddit
Been doing genealogy for decades and absolutely agree. An ex-spouse is almost never mentioned, but deceased’s stepchildren and in-laws from the current spouse are all the time. Keep in mind, the ex has many times gone on to another relationship themself.
What I’ve come across more is a tombstone with both spouses on it but only one is buried there. The couple was married, one spouse died first, then the other goes on to remarry and is buried next to the later spouse. But it’s not uncommon for them to be buried next to their first spouse, and the second spouse is buried alone. Even in death, it’s complicated.
k80k80k80@reddit
Yup. This was also the case with my dad. His name’s on her stone, but he went onto second wife’s plot.
Slight-Bowl4240@reddit
Oh ok! The new wife left out the 3 adult children’s mother who had died before. Seems kind of incomplete since three adults mother not mentioned, poor kids.
k80k80k80@reddit
It’s rude, but it happens all the time. My own dad got remarried after my mom died and his new wife erased any mention of my mom from his funeral. It’s not right, but the wife is the NOK so they get the right of disposition. That means that they can do anything they want for the funeral and they don’t need to consider anyone else’s input.
Slight-Bowl4240@reddit
Oh sorry that happened! It stings!
k80k80k80@reddit
It sure does.
DaniCapsFan@reddit
I've always seen former spouses mentioned in death notices. My dad, however, did not include my mom (they divorced in the early 1980s) in his obit. He survived both his parents and all his siblings, so it was pretty much my sister and me, and one cousin.
SaltyLengthiness260@reddit
My ex requested me to come to her aunt's funeral. I got to catch up with a few other folks in her family as well. But my ex and I are still friends and hang out every so often, mostly in group settings.
When one of our parents passes, I think it would be polite to be at the funeral. Her dad has cancer, off and on, and when her dad passes, I'll fly out to his funeral.
My current GF went to her ex husband's parents funerals as well.
If the relationship ended in a disasterous mushroom cloud, circumstances may be different and one should not go. Otherwise, I find it respectful, presuming a quick conversation.
Jordangander@reddit
Funerals are not for the dead but for the living,
People,attend funerals for all sorts of reasons, but whatever their reason they took the time out to attend. If they are not causing problems, accept that they are there because they still feel something positive for the deceased.
Hunny-Huckleberry168@reddit
Great answer, wish I had an award to give you.
spsled@reddit
My ex showed up to my father’s funeral memorial - Fad had passed almost 20yrars ago. We were married at the time of his passing. I didn’t mind her showing up as they got along great and she was his Nina fide daughter in law at the time of his passing. We we were divorced almost 5 years at the time of the memorial service.
spsled@reddit
To each their own. Everyone’s circumstances are slightly different. From amicable divorces where where all parties are on good terms more or less to contentious ones where no one is on speaking terms.
ONROSREPUS@reddit
in your situation absolutely NOT. Ex's are ex's for a reason I would never attended an event involving one. Even if I was asked I don't know if I would go.
fridayimatwork@reddit
Yeah I think if there are kids involved it makes sense to be there for the kids
hesathomes@reddit
Miss Manners did address it, actually. Yes, attend. It is to support the living, not the dead.
Major-Fill5775@reddit
I came here to say this, and add that both Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt concurred with Miss Manners: any friend, family, or acquaintance who would serve as comfort and support to the immediate family of the deceased is welcome at a funeral.
There’s nothing “modern” about the situation described.
YRUSoFuggly@reddit
I was the child.
When my mom passed I was 25.
My former stepfather came to the funeral. They had only been married for 5 years and had been divorced 10 years when she passed.
We didn't get along when they were married. Don't know wtf he thought I was going to do at that point.
I didn't make a scene, but I sure as F didn't make him feel welcome.
To this day I don't know who tipped him off. They lived 200 miles apart, so it wasn't like he saw the obit in the paper.
chutenay@reddit
People are weird, and I don’t think the dead care. You go to the funerals for yourself, so I think etiquette is probably just too key everything respectful and mind your own business (said with love, not snark!)
Travelchick8@reddit
Funerals are for the living. He was likely there to support his children. While I understand it can feel odd to her friends and other family, it’s really about what the children want.
gideonsean@reddit
I haven't talked to my ex in twenty years but I'd still like to go to her funeral if I knew about it in time. It wasn't a good marriage and it ended badly but I wouldn't miss the opportunity to take a moment and honor the people we were and all that we learned in that relationship. It would be sorta like going back and visiting my junior high school.
ghjm@reddit
Funerals are public events. Everyone who knew the deceased can attend. Even an ex still has memories of the good times before they were an ex. Maybe someone's actual murderer shouldn't attend their funeral, but short of that, it's an open door policy.
Curious_Instance_971@reddit
They should not be open to anyone if their presence causes distress to the grieving. I have an uncle I would ask to leave if he showed up to my mom’s service. I’ll be the one planning and paying for it and he will not be welcome.
bony-tony@reddit
Nah. The purpose of the funeral isn't to serve the deceased, or randos acquainted with the deceased.
It's to serve those who were closest to the deceased, and who will feel the loss most keenly. Which typically overlaps with those putting on the funeral.
Generally, guests showing up does them good as a reminder of how well loved the deceased was. But if your presence is not wanted by them or will somehow make the experience worse for them, don't go.
That's not to say anything like that happened here -- hopefully the kids wanted the ex. It's just to say that whether or not you have good memories of the deceased isn't what the decision should be based on. They're often correlated, though: e.g., it's often the case that someone you remember fondly = someone you cared about when they were alive = someone whose survivors you care about by proxy.
togocann49@reddit
Sounds like ex was paying their respects. We still do that don’t we?
Brown_Car1987@reddit
I have no doubt that I will go to my ex's funeral if he has one. We're not close but we don't hate each other.
Harley_Mom@reddit
My husband's cousin's ex shows up to all the families wakes not the funerals. His ex MIL passed last year and he went we were all like there maybe another wake, but it was fine. I can say at least he went where her own brother didn't show up and other family members. It was sad that the older generation gets no respect when they pass.
JustABlueDot@reddit
I’ve included in my will a list of people not allowed at my funeral. My ex husband is first on the list. My husband’s lazy, money grabbing, useless albatross of an ex wife is second.
Dazzling-Bear3942@reddit
How many lists do you think you may be on?
JustABlueDot@reddit
Not a clue. And it doesn’t matter. The great thing about being 50 is I have not a fuck left to give about what anyone else thinks of me.
InadmissibleHug@reddit
My ex sister in law came to my brother’s funeral, their kids wanted her there, she wanted to be there. They’d been cordial at the youngest’s wedding.
The kids were in their 20s and the split had been very ugly. She ran off with my sister’s husband.
It was a whole mess.
The only one who gobbed off about it was my eldest sister who is a fool.
I might not have wanted to see her, but that wasn’t my call. And my brother was dead.
padall@reddit
"The kids are well launched into adulthood?" So? That doesn't mean they didn't need support at their own mother's funeral. Anyone would, but that's still pretty freaking young to lose a parent. My dad died when I was 50, and I could barely handle it. I would have been a complete mess at 30.
Also, unless one of said children confided in you that they were upset their dad was there, this seems to truly fall into the category of MYOB.
MadWifeUK@reddit
A funeral isn't for the dead, it's for those still alive. Dead people have no feelings, it's the living who need comfort and support. And that doesn't change with age.
My paternal grandmother was a piece of work, by the time she died we hadn't seen her in years until that last day: I took my dad to the hospital to see her after his cousin's wife had told us she was in hospital (not his brother or sister, which was part of the whole problem), we had to leave for an appointment for him (he was going through some health stuff too, which is why he wasn't driving). She died within the hour, all alone.
We went to her funeral, not for her but for my dad. He was an orphan now, and yes he may have been in his 60s, but still an orphan. That's what broke my heart, and that's where my love, care and support went.
No-Reward8036@reddit
My ex turning up at my funeral would be enough to raise me from the dead so I could hasten him to his demise. But perhaps the children wanted him there.
When my mother died, my half-brother and I had a long conversation about whether my dad would be asked to hold a cord, or come in the funeral car. It had not been a good marriage. In the end, we did both, but I lumbered my cousins to travel with him, which they very graciously did. My dad was no comfort to me, counting his lose as much worse than mine or my children's. I just avoided him as much as I could, especially after he called me out for hugging a (male) friend of mine at the funeral tea.
ciaran668@reddit
I think it really is up to the children. They've lost one parent, and if they've maintained good relations with the other, then it's pretty natural that they'd want them there for support. In the end, it really is up to the children who attends, and everyone should respect their wishes.
NoKing9900@reddit
I think this one has always been a tough call. As others have mentioned, the ex could still have feelings about their ex and just want to pay their respects.
If the ex married someone they had an affair with before the divorce, then the new spouse shouldn’t come, but it still depends on family circumstances.
One person that shouldn’t attend is the mistress of the surviving husband. From experience, it’s not a good thing!
0_IceQueen_0@reddit
I'm not showing up. Although we are "amicable"ish now, I won't give the side chick turned wife the opportunity to kick me out. No one knows what is running through that mind of hers. The kids will go. I'll just have the biggest flower arrangement delivered lol.
maroongrad@reddit
if possible, include as many flowers that she's allergic to as possible :)
0_IceQueen_0@reddit
Haha. Good idea! I'll keep that in mind!
lucid_intent@reddit
My mom helped me arrange and also came to my dad’s memorial. They had been divorced over 40 years. I appreciated it.
readzalot1@reddit
A friend of mine did that. Their daughters were teens and he had no one else.
shawshank1969@reddit
You can never really know someone else’s relationship from the outside.
The people with the most bitter divorce can still carry a torch and have loving, fond memories. When someone dies, many people who knew them reflect on these things and attend the funeral because of their connection and good memories, not the bad time and bitter memories.
If the family members don’t object, don’t worry about it.
KarmaDreams@reddit
I, personally don’t understand why people want to attend funerals of people who didn’t like them (though I feel it’s to confirm the death). I personally do not want ANYONE at my funeral that I didn’t like while I was alive (and yes, I DO have a list)!!!
If “funerals are for the living”, then take the survivor out for drinks or whatever the hell you want, but stay tf away from MY service.
bony-tony@reddit
Feels pretty selfish to me to our the feelings of dead you over the feelings of your living relatives.
If your kids want their father / your ex at the funeral because it will help them deal with your loss, why would you want to deny them that? It does you non-food or I'll either way. You're dead.
grayness77@reddit
In my case, I absolutely did not want my mom at my dad's funeral. Bitterly divorced for 40 years and it would have made the funeral even worse. But that's me. If the kids are okay with it, then I think that's all that matters.
bony-tony@reddit
Yup. The ex ought to do exactly what the kids want them to do, either show up or stay home.
bony-tony@reddit
I would say there's no etiquette to a situation like this, or to funeral attendance in general.
There are a variety of ways this could go down. If it's a private service, then the people arranging it (presumably the children of the deceased) presumably invited her, and she came because to support them.
Now if she wasn't directly invited and just saw a public notice, then I'd hope she consulted with the children on whether they wanted here there, but we'll never know.
In any case, I'd refocus yourself on why you're attending the funeral rather than on the intrafamily drama. You would generally be there to show support and care for those closest to the deceased, either because you care about them directly or you cared enough about the deceased to want to suport their immediate family. There's really nothing to prepare for other than that.
fro0626@reddit
A cheating ex should NOT sit in the family section with their affair partner. I’ll die on this hill.
lastbeat-331@reddit
This is a YOU problem. Anyone else of any age understands that he is welcomed to attend for himself or for his kids/grandkids.
Super901@reddit
Auld lang syne
Complex-Stick-6177@reddit
I thought it was weird when my MIL showed up at my husband’s dad’s funeral (I refuse to call that man my FIL). They’d been divorced for over 30 years and their sons were in their late 30’s when he died.
maroongrad@reddit
sounds like he wasn't a great guy :( in which case she might have just been making sure he was really dead.
maroongrad@reddit
depends. Some exes just want to make sure the bastard is really dead. Others are showing up because, no matter how badly it ended, they had some good times and they're mourning the loss. Some show up because they don't give a damn about the person that died, but they do care about family members and know that having a non-emotionally upset adult around to offer support and help out can be a huge help. Others see a chance to connect with people they've lost touch with and missed, and the funeral is an opportunity to reach out to those people that might not come again. Some have kids that lost a parent, and it doesn't matter if you're fifty or fifteen, that shit hurts. Having the other parent there to cry on and give them a hug and listen to them is an important reason for an ex to show. And some aren't certain if they should be there or not but out of respect for the dead, they'll show. They might not have liked the person and may have loathed them, but it was someone important in their life and being there as the body is interred is morally important to them.
There are a lot of reasons for someone to be there that you wouldn't really expect to have attend. It happens. As long as they are being respectful and not peeing on the grave or hitting on the widow/widower or drunken ranting or similar, and are simply quiet and respectful, they should be ignored in favor of decorum. Most will leave as soon as it's over and never show up again.
Unless it's drunk and ranting at 3 am to piss on the grave ;)
Fantastic_Golf_7154@reddit
I attended my ex's funeral and my current husband attended as well. However, we had children together and remained friendly towards each other.
Now, if my current husband passes before I do, his ex will be banned from any service I have for him.
Oxjrnine@reddit
Funerals are a time to remember a person’s entire life. Exes and friendships that went sour doesn’t mean the person wasn’t someone important to you.
Most couples that spit are because they grew apart, not that they should never have been together.
She was there to remember the years they had, and the many connections made.
Exes are fine at funerals.
Tunashuffle@reddit
Maybe the ex needs closure too
DiamondLight25@reddit
I, eventually, married two guys who are former best friends (childhood/teenage years) and whose families are still close. Family events often include some on both sides.
burnedimage@reddit
My stepmother went to her ex husband's funeral and stabbed the body with a pen! She said she wanted to make sure he was dead. Funny...yes...inappropriate...also yes. I think a lot has to do with intentions. Every situation is different.
mldyfox@reddit
I think that an ex spouse attending a funeral is a nice gesture. They're more than likely attending to support their shared children, adults though they may be.
If the ex spouse is attending to cause a scene, along the lines of "ding dong, the witch is dead" and dancing around in joy, then, yeah, their attendance is inappropriate.
Leaf-Stars@reddit
I’m going just to make sure she’s really dead.
Seamusjamesl@reddit
This was my thought. Maybe you just want to flip them off one last time? Lol
ErNz77@reddit
This is the only answer
lawtalkingirl@reddit
I think normal. My parents were divorced for 20+ years and it was as difficult but my mom wanted to come to my dads funeral
Dazzling-Bear3942@reddit
It's very normal and appropriate. They had kids together. I think it's really odd that you had an issue with it at all.
heynow941@reddit
I’ve never been in that situation but maybe the ex showed up out of respect for the few good times they had together, even if it didn’t end well.
JoyfulNoise1964@reddit
Possibly many good times
AnneChovie264@reddit
If he did not show up, there would've been people thinking, "I cannot believe he couldn't even show up!'"
iangeredcharlesvane2@reddit
He’s there for his (not really THAT old) kids and to honor the mother of his children, maybe honor the good times. I think it’s COMPLETELY normal.
Your friend couldn’t care and the kids probably appreciated it a ton so no need for your feather rufflin sis!
JoyfulNoise1964@reddit
I find it odd when they don't go When there are children
JoyfulNoise1964@reddit
If they have children absolutely!
Doctor_Tyrell@reddit
None of your business.
GeoHog713@reddit
I don't think there's a straight forward rule.
If the ex is there to support their kids, that would make sense.
kittyshakedown@reddit
It’s really none of my business. I’ve lived long enough to know people do things their own way. My way isn’t the only way.
And I also know I have zero clue how things really were in private.
And unless someone makes a scene I don’t think it’s my call who can grieve. Or how they grieve.
I can’t imagine my kids being an age where I wouldn’t want to support them if their other parent died. Regardless how our relationship ended. We were in a place to have children at one time. And I’m assuming had fond feelings for one another at some point in time. Who is anyone else to say how I handle that?
MoonageDayscream@reddit
Co parenting is hard, even when everyone gets along. You know the saying thst funerals are for the living? Closure is something that happens unbudden and it would not.be unusual for the children of the deceased to want their surviving parent close by. At this point it's not about the former marriage but about supporting those who lost.the only mother they have.
SushiGirlRC@reddit
The only people at my dad's funeral in 2021 were me (NC since 1994), my sis (pretty much NC for 20 years but got him help after his stroke), my mom (he left her for another woman in 1972), and my uncle who never liked him to begin with. My mom has his service flag because none of us wanted it. People sometimes feel the obligation to go regardless of the past.
PowerfulBranch7587@reddit
I’m divorced with no kids and I fully expected to attend my exes funeral and vice versa. We were in each other‘s lives for over two decades no not married or even in touch anymore, I would feel weird not going to his funeral
SignificantTear7529@reddit
I hope you pull that off.. attending each other's funerals.
PowerfulBranch7587@reddit
Lol, I obviously mean whoever dies first
Individual-Army811@reddit
One thing you don't know is if the kids asked their dad to attend. In which case, totally acceptable.
JenniferJuniper6@reddit
If they come and go quietly, fine. If they start acting like it’s about them, they need to be sent out.
nosyroseyposey@reddit
My mom came to my dad’s funeral as well as my step dad (even though he & my mom had since divorced). They came to show me support. Even though the children are grown it probably meant a lot to them.
Rencri@reddit
This. Being Supportive of the children is a valid reason to be there.
HighSeasArchivist@reddit
With my family once you're in, you're in. Exes come to family gatherings, holidays, ball games, pretty much everything. Sometimes things don't work out, but no reason to hate the person.
KittyC217@reddit
My father went to my mother’s funeral. They had been diverged for over 20 years. They were married for 30 years and had 3 kids, and buried an adult child. No one thought it was odd or rude.
Curious_Instance_971@reddit
He is being there for his kids. Yes they are adults but they still need their dad.
lizardking073@reddit
As many have said already, depends on the situation. My mother loaned me the money for a lawyer to divorce my wife, so my ex will not be attending the funeral, whenever that may be. Given their relative health, and famuly history, it may not be an issue that even comes up. Alcoholism and drug use exact a heavy toll.
BeckyKleitz@reddit
At this point in our lives, it's too much work to hold grudges. I'm going to feel really bad when my ex-husband dies because he's the father of my daughter, and we got married because we loved each other and intended to stay together forever. Well, it just didn't work out that way for us, and we had a very contentious divorce; but that was 30+ years ago and we've both grown older and aren't mad at each other anymore. He just lost his wife a couple years ago and I felt awful for him.
And, my daughter has an ex and a child with that ex, and they are excellent co parents. I can totally see them attending the other's funeral.
I don't think it's really all that unusual, tbh.
calyswit@reddit
You have perspective. That's the kind of human being I like to be around.
chicagoliz@reddit
They say funerals aren't for the deceased but for the living. I would not find it strange at all that someone's ex attended a funeral, especially if they had children. (No matter how old the children were). It can still be upsetting when an ex-spouse dies, because they were a very large part of someone's life. Even if the divorce itself was bitter, there are usually all kinds of complicated feelings.
The only exception I can really think of would be some kind of abusive situation or some kind of true estrangement or something truly horrific happened between the two people. Or if there were some very bad feelings between the surviving family and the ex, and them seeing the ex would stir up a lot of upset or trouble.
Sometimes even if you have bad feelings toward someone, you feel some shock or even some sadness when they actually die.
sparkedlibrarian@reddit
When my father-in-law died my mother-in-law was at the funeral home and the viewing. When he died they had been divorced over 20 years. She hated being married to him, hated his mom (and she hated her) but she was there for my husband (32 at the time) and my brother in law (28 at the time). She was there because she respected the fact her sons had lost a parent and needed her. What they lived together as a family of 4 bonded them. She was the only other person that “got it” and her sons are everything to her.
Budgiejen@reddit
I’m also dealing with learning more about funeral etiquette. My friend died 2 weeks ago. How do I ask his wife if I can have some of his stuff?
Sensitive-Issue84@reddit
Just ask, be specific. Otherwise, someone else will, and you'll miss out.
Budgiejen@reddit
Well, what I want is is music books. We played in a group together.
Sensitive-Issue84@reddit
I'm sure she would love to see them go to someone who cares about them. If you don't ask, the answer is no. And that would be sad.
IndgoViolet@reddit
This! My Dad's best friend waited 6 months to ask for one of his Hawaiian shirts. (They both habitually wore the style) By then they had been donated. Dad had 3 walk in closets stuffed with dress suits and casual clothes and it took us ages to find donation sites that would put them to good use.
I felt so sad I didn't have at least one to give him. If he'd asked a month or two after Dad's funeral, I'd have given him the lot! He had at least 40 different wild Hawaiian shirts I could have given to a dear friend. I know it would have made Dad smile to think Bob had gotten them too.
pythongee@reddit
You can't. Just stop.
DallasMotherFucker@reddit
“Do you need help sorting through his stuff to figure out what to donate or keep?“
seahorse_seeker@reddit
Approach it gently. Let his wife know how much you cared and if it is ok, whenever she’s ready, you’d like something of his as a remembrance.
Capsicumgirl@reddit
"It would mean a great deal to me if I could have a momento"
Phobos1982@reddit
I'd be ok with it, especially if they had kids.
vicnoir@reddit
I fully expect my husband’s first wife to attend my husband’s funeral, if only to support the son they share.
I’m okay with it.
lrbikeworks@reddit
It woukd suck, but absolutely I would go to my ex’s funeral to support our kids. Hell I would saw my own leg off with a rusty butter knife for my kids.
I’m sure there would be plenty of people who would not want me there. I don’t GAF about them. I imagine he felt the same.
Electronic-Bake-4381@reddit
What kind of a conversation could someone have with friends and family of the ex?
I could see maybe visiting the grave of an ex.
--
I went to the funeral for a neighbor that my grandparents live next to for 45 years. I sort of knew her from summers visiting the grands. It was super awkward.
karma_the_sequel@reddit
“Yay” is 100% accurate and 100% fine.
So sorry for the loss of your friend.
paciolionthegulf@reddit (OP)
Thank you.
I liked the era of weddings every weekend much better than this era of funerals.
karma_the_sequel@reddit
I feel ya on that. I’ve been to more than my share of funerals the last few years.
Fearless_Street5231@reddit
Even though the kids are grown, they still lost a parent. My parents were divorced for 20 years when my mother passed, and my dad asked me if I wanted him there. I did and I didn’t. Thankfully, I had several good friends drive the 4-6 hours to attend, so him flying in would have been awkward, but at least he offered.
seattlemh@reddit
I'm going to say this depends on the family. This isn't really an issue of manners unless someone caused a scene.
Murky_Possibility_68@reddit
Yes or no. Absolutely depends on the situation.
rdnkgrrl18@reddit
This happened with my husband. This was his mother, his father also still living. Two sons, with different mamas. The oldest was very close to this gramma and was not handling it well, nor my husband or father in law. Now, this ex wife, came to pay ther respects and be there for the son. They’d been divorced 24 yrs or so at this point and although started contentious, they did rite by their kid. Now; second ex wife of which they share a child. Neither him or his mama is thrilled he’s with me. There’s never been a doubt, never a kind word said of me, she used her own son to mimic what to tell his father. (Petulant baby, upset at 20 because he wants his parents back together and she’s got him convinced they would be if it weren’t for me 😊) So, this ex was far more recent and was particularly ugly. Their son didn’t come the whole two years before grandma passed, despite a prolonged sickness and major surgery. Who shows up at the funeral? Not only the son, but he’s brought some random chick he’s banging, but also ex 2! No warning, no reason. (As there’s no love lost there either) Fine. I ain’t got time for this shit. Son #1 can barely stand he’s so upset the whole time, son #2 keeps glancing over and basically copying mannerisms. We get done and everyone is heading home. Me, hubby, and FIL ain’t barely even touched butt to fabric before my phone rings. Its mom if son #2. She tries to tell him that the girl son brought to the funeral recognized ME. She told them her dad dated me, swindling him of tens of thousands, learning her heartbroken, and taking off. She cain’t believe it. AT THIS S TIME, FIL grabs the phone just turning beet red and says I just buried my wife of 54 years today and y’all wanna start this bullshit. He told them to come on over and we’d fight the shit out, he had just so much sadness and anger inside him he was at his last will. Tole her to call the law and tell them I was here and what I’d done and let them handle it. Didn’t hear another peep. (Not the first, last, or even worse thing they did) Showed they asses at the funeral then wanna start some petty, HS bullshit that was neither true nor at all the place for it. People just wanted to bring everyone else down to their miserable level
karma_the_sequel@reddit
Hang up. Block number. Easy peasy.
Anything less and you’re part of the problem.
rdnkgrrl18@reddit
Rite? That was me trying to once again manage conflict when I shouldn’t have 😆 thank you, I really loved her and vice versa. She was my very first person to go to a funeral for.
memphisgirl75@reddit
My mom attended my dad's funeral and they had been divorced less than a year so the bitter was still there. And he had already remarried so his new wife of 12 weeks was also in attendance, playing the bereaved widow. My mom cried harder than that witch did.
She was there for me, but I'm sure she was also mourning the loss of a person who had been in her life for over half of it.
IDunnoNuthinMr@reddit
I went to my ex's funeral service in 2010. Married 1990-2005. Kids were 10 and 15. Couldn't imagine not going.
Not sure if this helps.
ConsistentJuice6757@reddit
Yes, it’s my job to go and support my child. It’s not about him, it’s about our child.
elizajaneredux@reddit
I’ll absolutely attend my ex’s funeral to be there for my children, who will most likely be adults by that point. I can’t imagine choosing to miss such an important and difficult event in their lives.
GroundbreakingRip970@reddit
I think when there is shared children or the divorce was amicable, yes. The children may have specifically wanted him there
hypothetical_zombie@reddit
It's not exactly acceptable social behavior, but...
My family members would show up to their exs' funerals to gloat. They would also literally dance on graves of family they hated.
I stopped going to funerals & wakes when I was 16 or so. The toxicity levels got worse with each one.
Interesting-Long-534@reddit
Adult children can still need support from the living parent.
ShartlesAndJames@reddit
Even assholes have the right to mourn a loved one
Trippp2001@reddit
As long as the ex didn’t kill their ex-spouse, then I think it’s ok.
moneyman74@reddit
Would definitely depend on the past relationship and the existing relationship...many people divorce amicably...but if they hated each other Way harder call.
user86753092@reddit
I want to my ex’s funeral and was asked to leave 🤷♀️
FaceMaulingChimp@reddit
those are my known instructions
Particular-Cod-8221@reddit
I don’t know the entire situation, but if he was part of the family for an extended time wouldn’t that be the right thing to pay respects?
FaceMaulingChimp@reddit
it depends i guess . My friend died unexpectedly, the service was secret and only open to direct family plus a few close friends. She showed up for her adult kids, stayed back, didn’t pretend to be an insider and was very respectful. Then at the public celebration of life a few weeks later, she showed up and was kind and supportive. never would have expected it since the break up was so horrible .
In my case, i would never attend the ex’s in a million years.
MNPS1603@reddit
My aunt died in 2022. Her ex husband - divorced in 1990ish - was there. It was a real trip seeing him after over 30 years. I don’t think it’s a big deal, I thought it was sort of a sign of respect.
Taodragons@reddit
I mean, as long as they weren't dancing and throwing confetti, let it go.
Overall_Lobster823@reddit
You don't know everything that goes on in another family.
You go. You pay your respects. You let others do the same.
Signed: 1965.
Major-Education-6715@reddit
THIS.
shasta15@reddit
My mom when to my dad’s funeral, but they were friends by that point. She also visited him at the hospital. All of my mom’s siblings went to my dad’s (their ex-brother-in-law) funeral and most of their children who could make the trip. My dad was just a really good man. Their presence meant a lot to me, as it spoke more strongly of the kind of man he was than any sympathy card. I know this varies a lot in families.
daddydillo892@reddit
I was always taught you attend the funeral for the family, not the deceased. Your mom's family were probably there to support you as much as they were there because of any feelings they may have had about your dad.
warrenao@reddit
I think there are some situations in which the best possible course to take is to step back and consciously suspend all judgment.
ytho-65@reddit
We had a reasonably amicable divorce after 29 years of marriage. Whoever goes first, I would expect the survivor to support our adult children by attending the funeral. But I understand that an acrimonious divorce might lead to different feelings about funerals.
SmokedLimburger@reddit
I don’t know. But, when my younger brother’s ex-wife showed up to their daughter’s funeral, 3 years after abandoning her and no contact, my family had more than one violent thought. If my Mom hadn’t talked her family down, there would have been blows (BTW we’re all from Alabama).
paciolionthegulf@reddit (OP)
I can see that. The ex-husband in this case has a bad to non-existent relationship with the kid who was still at home at the time of the divorce, it hasn't improved one bit in the seven years since, and the kid was pretty open about that in his eulogy of his mother. Fortunately it stopped at words, but it could just as easily have gone off the rails.
None of us speaking at the service mentioned how she was hiding her last home address from her ex-husband because she was afraid of him. That could have escalated, too.
SmokedLimburger@reddit
That’s a hard situation. I’m really not sure what is the right thing or even the socially acceptable thing.
Major-Education-6715@reddit
People might attend to show respect for the passed person. That's old school etiquette.
gyrl67@reddit
If I was divorced and my adult kids wanted me or needed support I would 100% go.
Ok_Schedule5017@reddit
I always said if my exhusband passed, I’d go if our kids wanted me to. At this point, I don’t think they would attend so.
1043b@reddit
I'm with you on this. That being said, if I die first I'm sure my ex would show up under the guise of being the good guy for his kids, public shows are his favorite. It's when he's needed without an audience that he bails....
Hopefully both my boys will be beyond his reach before I go, they just don't need the added stress...
SadMud7637@reddit
My mother in law passed last year and my father in law told my husband to tell his dad (moms previous husband) that he better not show up if he knows whats good for him. Not good relationship and husbands dad is an abusive asshole. So i think it just depends on the funeral and the people involved
puppylovenyc@reddit
My brother died of cancer at 50. He had a VERY contentious divorce from his ex wife 15 years earlier. He wanted his last days to be with his kids and their mother. So, I invited her here at my home (he spent his last 6 months here). It was awkward (I despised her), but it was what he wanted and his kids were comforted.
Grief and death are different for everyone.
ebeth_the_mighty@reddit
I went to my friend’s mom’s funeral. I’d literally met the woman once.
I didn’t go for her. I went for my friend, who I felt could use my emotional support.
Maybe that’s why the ex went. Not as an ex-spouse, but as parent to grieving adult children.
Locked_in_a_room@reddit
I think, as long as the deceased doesn't say to expressly keep x, y, or z out of their funeral, and they aren't causing drama it should be fine.
Maybe the ex was there as support for their kids/grandkids.
Maybe they were closing that part of their life and acknowledging that nothing more can ever come, in any way from their knowing each other.
Deaths and funerals bring up a lot of emotions many don't expect until it hits. A lot of those emotions are conflicting.
Keep in mind we can never really know what's going on in someone else's head.
rogun64@reddit
It depends on the circumstances, but the point is to pay respect for the deceased and I don't think it's my business to decide who can or cannot do that. I find it quite normal and common.
InvestmentMain8414@reddit
My sister and I went a grandparents funeral of whom we went no contact with 10 years prior.
I didnt go for him. I went out of respect from my parent, my aunts and uncles, and the few cousins that didnt cut him out.
That being said, one of my grandmothers actually made a guest list to her funeral. Was fun trying to figure out if we should honor that wish.
foetusized@reddit
My father-in-law died today. My mother-in-law, his ex-wife, have gone to the same church with him for a couple decades now, and they get along fine these days, now that they are no longer married, and both well past their second marriages. My wife and I hosted Thanksgiving at my mom’s last year, and both came. My MIL was a big support for my wife through this, and she was at the hospital with her ex more than any of my wife’s siblings. I’m sure she’ll be at her ex-husband’s funeral, with my wife.
All families are different.
Emergency_Bike6274@reddit
My condolences to you and the family on your loss.
S99B88@reddit
It’s a chapter of her life that’s over. Her kids are still her kids and it’s the funeral for their their dad. Couple of good reasons for her to be there.
ugh_idfk@reddit
I don't think there's an age where a child wouldn't want their parent's support at a time like this or when a parent wouldn't want to do so. I have been divorced from my ex for almost 30 years and feel nothing but hatred for him. But, because I love my children, I will swallow my pride and attend his funeral when he finally kicks it.
Kindly_Jellyfish_451@reddit
I can sort of see why one might feel like one should attend…after all, the surviving ex spouse did once envision spending a lifetime with the deceased.
But I personally think it would be more appropriate to send a sympathy card to the ex in-laws (not the widowed current spouse).
makeup1508@reddit
My mom and stepdad attended my dad's funeral. They were there for my sister and I. They gave their sympathies to my stepmom and other siblings. My parents have been divorced since the 70's and have gotten along ok when they attended school functions, weddings and other events for my sister, our kids and I.
rikerismycopilot@reddit
My mom and dad had a contentious divorce and were never on good terms afterwards. My sister and I deliberately kept them away from each other. She came to his funeral in order to support us, her children. Did we technically need her there? No. Were we glad that she was there to give us a hug and tell us she was sorry we lost our dad? Yes.
yosoyfatass@reddit
It depends on the relationship between the exes & what the children want. When my father was dying he specifically said he didn’t want my ex stepmother at his funeral, she tried to destroy him. She’s a beast. But I guess my much younger half siblings wanted her to come. The older ones were infuriated but said nothing in deference to the younger ones.
Corgilicious@reddit
And how did that go?
Diasies_inMyHair@reddit
Yes. Everyone should be given an opportunity to pay their last respects. However, If you have a beef with that person, it is okay to politely shun them.
erilaz7@reddit
It really depends on the relationship that the ex has with the family. My sister and her ex had a perfectly amicable divorce about 10 years ago, and even though she's remarried, her ex still comes to holiday gatherings and such.
changelingcd@reddit
Yes, certainly--unless relationships are so bitter and strained that they shouldn't be there for the sake of keeping the peace.
abarthvader@reddit
If my ex passes, I will only go to the funeral if our children (both adults) want me there.
Whatisthisnonsense22@reddit
I went to the funerals of my ex's parents.
They were alwaya good to me and weren't responsible for her behavior that led to our breakup. The rest of her family treated me well, so I wanted to honor their parents for them.
100percentEV@reddit
I was just at my ex-mother in-law’s funeral last year. I went to be with my daughter (26), who just lost her grandmother. I didn’t have nearly as bad a relationship with that family than I did my ex. I didn’t feel out of place at all.
Now, I can’t say that I would go to my ex’s funeral, but then my daughter probably wouldn’t go either!
KitchenWitch021@reddit
My ex husband passed 3 years ago and his family insisted my name be in the obituary as “former wife” as we had a child together and his family loves my son. In my situation I have no hard feelings with his family.
I attended the entire viewing hours and service. The video tribute had many pictures of me and him. Our marriage was not good, he had a strained relationship with our son too. I once shared a life with this man, he is part of my history. My then 20 year old was very distraught and he needed his mom (me) there when he got overwhelmed with the crowds.
That’s my take on the matter, but each family has their own feelings towards any ex spouse’s.
yanknga@reddit
Yes. At one time they loved each other, made plans together, maybe parented together, may have been best friends, shared joy and pain together, etc. My guess, in most cases, when an ex dies, all the hostility and anger evaporates and turns into genuine sadness.
RespondOpposite@reddit
Of course I will attend my kids Dad’s funeral. He would attend mine too. We have had mutual friends who have passed and we went to their funerals together. When his parents died, I was there. We broke up twenty years ago now.
Not all exes hate each other. It’s duty and a level of care for a person, even if it’s over romantically. Especially if you have children.
Thirsty4Knowledge911@reddit
Funerals aren’t for the departed. They are for those left behind.
His kids just lost their mother. They need their dad there for many reasons.
He can be there simply for support.
They may likely need guidance on what to do next.
This also reinforces the fact that he won’t always be there, and can strengthen their bond. This can especially be helpful if any of them have been taking their relationship for granted.
RandomObserver13@reddit
If it wasn’t you or your spouse it’s none of your business. End of story.
EllenIsobel@reddit
We have no way to determine what the real relationship was between him and the children and if this person was in his life for any period of time, he's allowed to mourn them in anyway he sees fit. Grief changes people, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the bitter. Now if he came to the after meal? That's dicey. But the funeral? I mean if hes not making a scene, let the man mourn.
missysweid@reddit
In my opinion, the funeral is not for the benefit of the deceased, but for the benefit of the mourners. Closure, saying goodbye, whatever it is. So why shouldn't he be able to attend? Maybe he would like to pay his last respects. What is wrong with that?
NeverEverMaybe0_0@reddit
This.
Ok_Key_4731@reddit
My ex has not attended any funerals in my family since we split and I haven’t attended any of his. I don’t plan to attend his funeral either unless for some reason my kids would need me to be there for them. Yes, I plan to outlive him. 😈
paciolionthegulf@reddit (OP)
LOL, statistics are on your side.
And I guess there really is a gendered element to my question. I wouldn't have been as surprised to see an ex-wife at a funeral (it sort of fits in to the general care-taking that gets pushed on women all the time) but I was shocked to see an ex-husband. Feels more intentional, somehow.
Quiet_Internal_4527@reddit
Divorce or not they were a significant part of each other’s lives and had kids together. That’s worthy of mourning and supporting your kids. I think it would be worse if they didn’t go.
KrofftSurvivor@reddit
Yes they absolutely did.
Anyone who shows up at the funeral, doesn't make a scene, pays their respects politely is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
And since when are you done being supportive of your kids after they stop needing car pools? That's one hell of a toxic take.
You show up to support your children in their time of stress and need no matter how the fuck old they are or you are.
ofRayRay@reddit
I wouldn’t want my ex there. But, she will be in lieu of me and that sucks.
142riemann@reddit
Closure.
punkdrummer22@reddit
Depends on the relationship. If my ex wife dies then I would be there for sure. And I'd expect the opposite as well.
TheatreSmurf@reddit
Mourning is a personal thing. If you need to attend for you or someone you care for, I think that’s perfectly fair. There’s a way to attend but keep a respectful distance if that’s best. If it’s the wake/sitting shiva/food after services perhaps skip that as it’s a more social occasion.
mykinds@reddit
Wtf, like you think he shouldn’t be there to support his children?
paciolionthegulf@reddit (OP)
I think the deceased would have been horrified and angry to know he was planning to attend, so that was uppermost in my mind. One kid may have been glad he was there, the other one would be just as happy if dad dropped dead.
EastAd7676@reddit
It’s really nobody else’s business other than the surviving family members.
feralGenx@reddit
She could have been there to support her children.
New-Sheepherder2239@reddit
Attend, sure. Hopefully things are amicable and maybe the current spouse includes them with the family, especially if kids are involved. If not, maybe just go and lay low. I dunno
Happy-Mastodon-7314@reddit
Maybe he's just there to support his kids, as awkward as that might be for everyone else on her side.
damageddude@reddit
He could have attended to support his children after the death of their mother?
ranchoparksteve@reddit
I’ve seen it happen myself. The old saying is that a funeral is for the living, not the deceased. And sometimes the children planning the funeral have a connection or blood relation to the ex.
Shouldn’t we all be able to drop our feuds for an afternoon?
LinuxLinus@reddit
I dunno. They were important to each other, if not always good. Let it go.
slade797@reddit
*yea, not “ yay”