Should I bring a gift for my boyfriend’s parents if I didn’t know they were visiting?
Posted by needideas123@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 84 comments
I’m currently visiting my boyfriend in the U.S. We’re in a long distance relationship, and I live in Japan. His parents are visiting us for two days, but I didn’t know they were coming, so I didn’t bring any gifts from Japan.
Would it still be appropriate to get something for them? They are American, and I’m unsure about the cultural expectations. If so, what kind of gift would be suitable?
taylorgrande@reddit
they should get you something…
tardytimetraveler@reddit
A small box of chocolates, a candle, or some flowers would definitely not hurt if you’re looking to make a good impression. Just nothing too personal if you’ve never met them.
Suppafly@reddit
That would be weird. She is staying with her BF and they are coming to visit them, there is no expectation of her to be giving gifts and any suggestion otherwise is a bit silly.
tardytimetraveler@reddit
I mean, she thought of it first!
I personally don’t think it’s silly to be thoughtful and generous… ever.
Suppafly@reddit
She thought it first because she's from a culture where there are weird expectations around gift giving. It would 100% be weird to run out and buy a gift to give to her BFs parents that she wasn't even expecting to meet on this trip. If the future it might be a nice gesture to bring something from home to give them, but that's not because they are her future in-laws but because people like getting gifts from other countries.
If everyone involved was generic white Americans, I don't think anyone would be suggesting that she give a gift to her BFs parents that are dropping by for a visit, while she's also visiting. She's the guest of her BF this trip, not the host of his parents. There is nowhere in the US where one visitor of a host is expected to be prepared to give gifts to other guests that might show up.
tardytimetraveler@reddit
A lot of people would bring a small gift for the first meeting like this. Who’s hosting is irrelevant. It’s not weird.
sacluded@reddit
We don't do gifts here like you do in Japan; I lived there for a couple of years. More often the person coming to visit would bring something like a bottle of wine, but the hosts aren't expected to give a gift.
OkQuantity4011@reddit
If your boyfriend is from somewhere like Boston or New Jersey, maybe his mom might want a little gift, and might gripe about it to her husband. IDK why, but New Englanders seem to be picky like that. Your boyfriend would not hear about it unless his mom is pretty unhinged, and it would not impact your relationship in any notable way.
As you are Japanese, it's very likely that your manners already far exceed what pretty much any American would ever expect of you.
My guess is they're going to absolutely adore you just for being you, and it might be you who finds them relatively rude 😆
Peace and love to you both 🕊️
Suppafly@reddit
They'd seriously expect a gift for going to visit someone that wasn't even expecting to see them and is from overseas so it wouldn't even be convenient for them to buy a gift?
OkQuantity4011@reddit
Nah, only the craziest of crazies would expect even that much. I'm not very good at phrasing.
My point was that no one in their right mind here would expect a gift from OP, or be averse to receiving a small one from her.
I tried to emphasize that Japanese manners are to American manners as Michael Jordan is to ballers. 🏀
She's gonna be impressive anywhere where she goes, and I think it's extremely likely that her boyfriend's parents will absolutely adore her from the moment they meet.
DharmaCub@reddit
Actually they should bring you a gift.
Suppafly@reddit
There is no should either direction.
RexIsAMiiCostume@reddit
If you didn't know you would be seeing them I think you're all good.
Donald_J_Duck65@reddit
It is a common practice but not required.
West-Improvement2449@reddit
No. They dont need gifts
Apprehensive-Kick457@reddit
Always. Doesn’t matter why or when. It’s your SO parents. It’s a must. ♥️
eeke1@reddit
Just to expand a little on omiyage not being expected. The concept itself is often seen negatively.
In the US gifts are not obligations, even if cases where they practically are like birthdays. An obligatory gift is considered disengenuous.
I'm sure they understand cultures are different though so don't sweat it. I'm writing to give context.
Grand_Raccoon0923@reddit
No, I would not expect a gift from someone already visiting from abroad who didn't even know I was coming.
Bluemonogi@reddit
I don’t think you need to get a gift. I would not expect my child’s girlfriend or boyfriend to give me a gift on our first meeting when I was coming to visit my child. Maybe you could cook them something if you cook and want to do something nice for them.
Maybe if the girlfriend or boyfriend were coming to stay at my home for a visit a gift would be okay. Not necessary because my family is more casual but not awkward.
revolotus@reddit
In my family, being a gracious host is FAR more important than gifts. Since this is not your home, you are not expected to act as host on this visit, though. Small gestures to demonstrate you have consideration for them and their comfort, and would be a capable host in your own home, will go a long way. Keep your things tidy and out of the way. Encourage your boyfriend to have a fully stocked fridge and clean linens, if he isn't on top of that. Maybe make some small treat you make well (as others suggested, an appetizer or dessert). After that, you will have to pick up on the specific culture of their family for what is appropriate.
LetterheadClassic306@reddit
i feel you, that's an awkward surprise. honestly americans don't expect gifts from guests who didn't know about the visit, so no stress. if you still want to bring something small, a nice candle or a box of good chocolates works anywhere. i ran into this last month and grabbed a scented candle from a local shop and they loved it. you could also pick up a box of assorted chocolates at any grocery store. just keep it under $20 and say it's a little thank you for hosting you
Aggravating_Finish_6@reddit
In this scenario, your boyfriend and you by association are the host, The visitor brings the host a gift, or buys a meal. No need to get them a gift. If you want to do something to make a good impression, you can get some wine, or make some food to entertain them while they are visiting, or buy some flowers to put in the guest room. I will usually buy or make some kind of treat to have on hand to offer when guests are visiting, but its not really a gift. If it doesn't get eaten it they wouldn't take it with them.
bobcatt@reddit
Suggestion: After you return to Japan you could send a simple gift and say you enjoyed meeting them. This will make them very happy.
theycallmethevault@reddit
If you feel like you should, make something to eat. That’s what I would do!
rgg40@reddit
I like this idea, make them a Japanese meal.
IHaveBoxerDogs@reddit
That seems a bit much. Whipping up an entire meal for four people? I would never expect someone to do that for me. Like a snack maybe.
theycallmethevault@reddit
That works too! Or a dessert =)
Chinacat_Sunflower72@reddit
Just don't make Nattō.
Weightmonster@reddit
No. The gift is your boyfriend letting them stay there and hosting them.
ILoveFent1@reddit
I highly doubt that they would expect you to give a gift, but if you want to I’m sure they would be very appreciative no matter how small of a gift it is.
_handlemewithcare_@reddit
Not at all.
Th3MiteeyLambo@reddit
Culturally speaking, Americans don't expect gifts from visitors, that sort of thing is just not really a thing here, so you're totally fine!
That said, if you wanted to give them a gift, they would likely be appreciative and it would by no means be inappropriate
ProbablyAPotato1939@reddit
There's no real gift giving expectations in the US. The closest equivalent would be taking someone out for dinner and/or drinks and covering the bill.
Aztroa@reddit
If you have the money and it’s not an inconvenience people always like thoughtful gifts. That being said it’s not like it’s traditional or expected.
itsjustmo_@reddit
We don't have the same gifting culture that you have in Japan. It's a very sweet custom that and it's always appreciated, but no one is expecting it. Getting the chance to get to know you will be a treat in and of itself.
breadlyplateau@reddit
If they're white Americans, generally no need for gift. Personally speaking, if they were Asian American that's a different story lol
shelwood46@reddit
There is no expectation that you'd get a visitor a gift. The opposite, in fact. You can get them a little something if you feel compelled, but it's doubtful they are expecting anything. If you brought any food or drink for your bf, he might want to share it with them.
timstiefler@reddit
I don't think you need to prepare a gift. I hope the meeting goes well.
Crazycatlover@reddit
It would not be expected but would be considered kind. How much do you love this boyfriend? If you want a long-term relationship with him, I'd get his parents something.
-RedRocket-@reddit
Guests give (token) gifts to their hosts, not the other way around. If you do have something for your host, that is appropriate and charming. But his family visiting are his guests, not yours.
Just_Coffee3718@reddit
If you are really feeling obligated and uncomfortable, you can probably pick up a familiar Japanese item at World Market, an international grocery store, or Amazon
SaltandLillacs@reddit
Yeah, I would still get them small like maybe a wine(if they drink)
dangleicious13@reddit
There's no expectation to bring them a gift.
PCBassoonist@reddit
It's not necessary to have a gift for them, but it would be a nice gesture to cook a meal for them.
Emergency-Whereas978@reddit
No need at all. They are not expecting anything, not an American tradition.
Fangsong_37@reddit
You don't need to get them a gift, but food or drink is a good choice to make a good impression. If you lack time to prepare, you can take them out to eat at a restaurant instead of cooking.
Early-Reindeer7704@reddit
I understand why you’re asking, though I’m American, my family comes from a culture where it’s customary to bring a gift when you visit someone’s home. A pretty bouquet, a nice house plant or some cake or cookies will be appropriate and will be appreciated
JohnHenryMillerTime@reddit
A nice laquer dildo would be traditional.
jigokubi@reddit
Given that the lacquer is basically poison-ivy sap, make really, really sure it's cured before using.
Educational-Ad-385@reddit
If there was any gift giving in this situation, you'd bring something for your boyfriend. When his parents come to his home to visit, they might bring him a gift. Someone posted you might prepare some Japanese food while they visit. I love that idea.
GOCUBBIES1402@reddit
The is no expectation of omiyage in the U.S. No one will notice if you do not have gifts for the parents. This is doubly true because you were not planning to meet his parents on this trip. This meeting was something of a surprise.
You will not be offending anyone and no one will be thinking less of you if you don't have a gift for the parents.
LoganLikesYourMom@reddit
Culturally speaking, that’s not really an expectation from American families. You’re probably going to be ok not getting them anything.
igotshadowbaned@reddit
Yeah a gift in this case would've just been "this is a neat thing from Japan"
Getting them a gift in this case would subvert that entirely as it would be American lol
igotshadowbaned@reddit
Don't worry about it
speper@reddit
No need for a gift, but if you wanted too it would not be inappropriate.
I would ask your boyfriend if he thinks you should. He would know his parents' particular customs/ expectations.
Agamenticus72@reddit
Gift giving is not required . I think the gift giving culture is more involved in Japan than America, so coming from America they wont be ecpecting gifts from you .
WellWellWellthennow@reddit
Make them a nice Japanese meal and if they drink give them a bottle of sake or serve it w the meal (which you can buy here).
fuxkle@reddit
There is no cultural expectation here around gift-giving in this circumstance, you are totally fine without one!
Content-Dealers@reddit
Completely dependent on if you want to.
AuntRobin@reddit
They are not hosting your visit and you had no expectation of seeing them, so there is no expectation of a gift. I'm 50f & just double checked with my mom (84f) for generational perspective and she agrees.
What we came up with (to try to satisfy what I think may be a nagging instinct to give something) is an idea that you try to get to know them a bit on your visit and when you go back home to Japan you can do a bit of intentional gift shopping. Shipping them something from home that "made me think of you both/of our time together/etc" would be more meaningful than a frantically chosen gift while here.
IF you have something that you could make (food or a craft) that you can produce here easily, that would be another good option. Again, these are just ideas – you don't have to gift anything.
hail_to_the_beef@reddit
No, they do not want a gift from you. It would be more customary for them to give you a gift.
bigmt99@reddit
Not expected
That being said, any gifts you do bring, something small like a bottle of wine or a desert, will score you some extra brownie points, as it’s not a cultural quasi-requirement
xmodemlol@reddit
Maybe it depends where in the US? What culture your boyfriend is from? I'm from HI and CA and I would never visit somebody's house for the first time or to a party without bringing like flowers or wine or a snack or something. When friends visit my place they don't show up empty handed!
That said, while it is polite, I don't think that parents will hold it against you, especially considering that you're a foreigner etc.
DOMSdeluise@reddit
A gift would be welcome and appreciated but not, I think, expected.
GurProfessional9534@reddit
There is no custom in the US to give gifts to people who visit.
notthegoatseguy@reddit
If they're coming to you they should give you a gift lol.
You're fine, don't worry about it
Vyce223@reddit
There's no cultural expectation for the parents in a case like this. However, in your culture would you do it? If so then I'd just go ahead and do it. Understanding that the USA is a melting pot is something important. It's where cultures from everywhere intertwine and if you and your boyfriend are in a serious relationship, your culture will be a part of his life and therefore in a part at least, their life.
Live-Ad2998@reddit
Make them a sweet Japanese treat like you would find at home. International or Asian stores have a good supply of grocery or sweet treats.
Pleased_Bees@reddit
If I dropped in to visit my son and his girlfriend, the last thing I'd expect is a gift. I'd be confused and wonder if she thought it was my birthday. If the visit was planned, I'd have the same reaction to a gift. We just don't normally do that.
z44212@reddit
They are visiting you. If anything, they should bring you a gift.
If you want to make a good impression, make them feel welcome. Snacks, drinks, a home cooked meal, etc. Be friendly and nice, maybe even talk more than you might be accustomed to (we Americans enjoy talking, usually).
No_Entertainment1931@reddit
There are no expectations to receive a gift when you are visiting someone.
However, when you visit someone else it is not uncommon to bring a gift but it’s rare to expect a gift unless the host has prepared a meal
Carinyosa99@reddit
No need to give them a gift but a good option would be a nice picture frame and include a handwritten note letting them know how nice it was to meet them and thanking them for raising a wonderful son.
knarlomatic@reddit
I don't think there are any cultural expectations. Americans in general don't have the level of culture the Japanese do and are very relaxed and practical. YMMV. No need to do so and is not expected. Now if you want to gain major points with them go right ahead! It probably would be received enthusiastically.
TravelingMatt34@reddit
If you're already in the states and they're dropping by here then you don't need to get them anything now. If you were traveling here to visit them a little trinket gift from Japan would be nice, but it's not required or totally expected.
BigBearOnCampus@reddit
Honestly if you didn’t know it’s not on you to be extra cordial. Simple pleasantries such as being kind and respectful goes more distance than gifts tbh.
Phoenix_Court@reddit
Omiyage is not a part of American culture. There's no need for you to get them anything. However, it would not be inappropriate to do so, so if you want to, you definitely can!
Wild_Extension4710@reddit
There is no American cultural expectation. However, it is an incredibly thoughtful gesture. A nice bottle of wine to share over dinner would likely be seen as an a wonderful gift.
BouncingSphinx@reddit
If you did expect them, it would be a nice gesture to get them something from Japan. Not necessary.
If you didn't expect them, it's even less necessary to get them a gift.
Dubricna@reddit
This kind of gift-giving isn't nearly as common of a practice as it is in Japan. Don't worry about it!
Reasonable_Mood_5260@reddit
Save the gifts for Xmas.
Exciting_Bid_609@reddit
No need to get them a gift, but if you felt that you wanted to, a sweet treat would be a nice thing.
yeezymcsleezyo_0@reddit
I don't think they'd expect a gift from you, especially if you didn't know they were coming. Gifts are a welcome surprise but not an expectation
Willing_Calendar_373@reddit
While there is no need, it is not inappropriate. I would not worry about it.
Jub1982@reddit
No need