How do I explain to my daughter why her friend constantly gets new toys despite being lower class and living in a council house?
Posted by Ok-Implement-8976@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 114 comments
[removed]
MegaMolehill@reddit
I never understand these posts. Is it a bad attempt at creative writing? A desire for engagement due to boredom or loneliness? Some kind of mental illness?
Sensitive_Tomato_581@reddit
Its chinese/russian bots sowing general dissatisfaction in the UK - they are everywhere
MegaMolehill@reddit
I didn’t consider that but it makes sense. It’s concerning how many people are taking this post seriously.
Sensitive_Tomato_581@reddit
This subreddit is full of them and the moderators do nothing - makes me wonder why?
ApprehensiveYoung725@reddit
Blatant bait post, 1 day old account
Matchaparrot@reddit
I had a similar experience as a child. My parents were the only parents in my friend group who didn't divorce, so I would see my pals get televisions in their room (a very expensive thing back then - a pink TV no less), playstations and Designer clothes because their parents had divorced.
My mum told me straight what was going on - "I know you're friends are getting televisions and game consoles but the reason why is because they're going through a very sad time in their life and the parents are buying them televisions because they want them to feel better"
I think it's better to be honest with your kid.
Sensitive_Tomato_581@reddit
THIS IS A RAGE POST I CANT BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE TAKING IT SERIOUSLY
Tall_Opportunity_521@reddit
You say "honey, that family clearly loves their daughter very much. And we made you up to rage bait users on reddit. And you cant even do that right. So we hate you, and dont buy you anything."...
BreqsCousin@reddit
You probably shouldn't have started out pretending that you know exactly what's going on with other people's finances.
Because now you have to go back on it and say that in fact you don't know why or how other families make the choices they do. You can only explain why things in your house are the way they are.
shin-chan@reddit
Or pretending to be working class. OP is clearly what most people would define as middle class.
XXRelentless999@reddit
Needless gatekeeping
Blazured@reddit
It's true though. OP is middle class.
hamjamham@reddit
What defines middle class to you? Wage boundaries? Or two working parents etc?
Diplomatic_Gunboats@reddit
Both parents given their jobs likely went to further education. They might have working class backgrounds, but if you went to uni, have a mortgage (assuming from 'much nicer house' here) and have white collar jobs, you are almost certainly middle class in the UK. Describing yourself as working class at that point is hilariously out of touch.
Regardless, this is just another rage-bait post about the 'poors'. Ignore, move on.
MrJackdaw@reddit
Yup, I was a working class lad - worked for peanuts as a storeman. Then, got a degree and now I'm a teacher. Given my wife works as a cleaner I am not nearly as well off as most of my colleagues, but I'd never describe myself as working class anymore. Of course, I don't describe myself as middle class either!
Everyone needs to stop focussing on crap like this and just work together to make life easier for everyone. Just be kind!
Blazured@reddit
Tons of things define it. One of the most obvious tells is being from a class where you'd describe working class families as "lower class".
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
I think OP is trying to teach her child that if you work hard, you can have better things. Personally I think this is a great lesson, that way they try their best.
Tim-Sanchez@reddit
That implies that OP and her husband can't afford as much because they don't work as hard as her friends' parents. I don't think it's a good idea to say "we can't afford a new gadget because their parents work harder than us".
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
I see what you are saying but it’s better than saying because the government sucks and makes us pay for other children's lovely shiny new toys whilst their parents do f all. Not all of them, just a lot of people I know.
You’d also explain to them about saving and not buying things straight away…..eg they might have iPads but we are saving up for something.
Tim-Sanchez@reddit
Those aren't the only two ways to explain this to a child. You could simply explain it in a non-judgemental way, rather than making assumptions about how hard people work or their wealth. Otherwise again, the same judgements apply to OP in comparison to the other parents.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
You’re right, there are others ways, I was being sarcastic. And honestly, I’m going off my own personal experience which is all I can do.
Psychological-Bag272@reddit
I don't get that from the OP at all. The impression I get is: if other kids are richer, she says they have more money and we have less. Now she is struggling to explain why a seemingly poorer kid can afford seemingly nicer things. The poorer family could also budget. It is not hard to get a contract for iPhone/iPads, second hand designer clothes are accessible. Noone really knows who has more or less money.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
I felt OPs frustration at trying to explain rewards and benefits of trying hard and working hard in life. Without saying ‘people take loans and mess their life up’ how else could you explain this. She’s 8. I’d say ‘if you work hard, you have more choices’.
oliviashrewtonbong@reddit
They may also have lots more wealth than you? It's none of your business what they do with their money. You seem very judgemental
OurSeepyD@reddit
Your comment comes off as more snarky and judgmental to me. It is her business, because her daughter is asking her about it. She's not suggesting the other mother changes her spending attitude, but she's allowed an opinion on it, particularly if she wants her own daughter to be responsible with money.
oliviashrewtonbong@reddit
But the other mother could be being responsible with money? Just more wealthy?
You all have literally no idea.
OurSeepyD@reddit
OP says she is on benefits, how is she going to be more wealthy?
oliviashrewtonbong@reddit
OP works for DWP as well as being a teacher? Blimey
OurSeepyD@reddit
Oh that's right, I forgot that everyone keeps benefits a secret and it's literally impossible to know if someone's on them.
Why are you being so snarky while simultaneously pretending you're more high and mighty than OP?
oliviashrewtonbong@reddit
Even if it's all true and this filthy lower class person is on benefits....
It is still very very possible they earn more than a teacher
https://www.gbnews.com/money/working-families-jobless-budgt-child-benefit-cap
OurSeepyD@reddit
oliviashrewtonbong@reddit
1 filthy was obviously mocking op and you'd have to be very very dim to think otherwise
2 I was going to choose the telegraph but figured gb news would rile you up more
OurSeepyD@reddit
I know it was, but you took OPs misguided use of the word and decided to amplify it. What's the opposite of "upper class"? Is it surprising that people wrongly say "lower class" instead of "working class"?
It's great to know that your goal is to "rile me up" rather than have an honest discussion. You don't care that GB News has taken the most extreme scenario as if it's common, or that they ignored that working families can claim UC, or that when they work out the "pre-tax equivalent", they do it for a single earner to maximise the number and therefore maximise the outrage.
Gaunts@reddit
Some gentle advise, the only time you should ever care about what another has is when it isn't enough.
Warm-Marsupial8912@reddit
You tell her the truth, that you know very little about the circumstances of this imaginary woman and supposed children so can't possibly comment. Different people make different choices and decent people don't judge.
OMITN@reddit
Rage bait: a teacher is literally a professional and, therefore, by definition middle class.
Someone working in marketing is pretty likely to be middle class as well.
Hopeful_Lake9382@reddit
if you cant afford that on your (38k?) and your husbands(more than that or hes a glorified assistant) then you are bad with money.
Independent-Court542@reddit
"Working-class" "Middle class" "Upper-middle class".
I know it's off topic, but as an Italian I would never classify myself or my family the way you Brits seem so keen on doing. Actually, it would sound weird, or at least very old-fashioned, in my country. It's not the first half of the 20th century!
Don't take offence, I didn't mean to offend anyone.
someonehasmygamertag@reddit
Reddit is so bad for this. Everyone is fucking obsessed with it.
BOrdinary01@reddit
I had a friend who was a single parent and on benefits. She had lots of nice things and so did her children. It was because her parents had money, not rich but more than comfortable so they used to buy her and her children things. Also some woman (and men) date people who buy them nice things so it could be she has a bit on the side.
Other options are: saves her money really well, won on the slots, bingo, lotto or scratchies, got compensation below £16k, bought the goods second hand, nicked them, bought knock offs, is a drug dealer, on OF, or street girl.
You cant explain someone else's finances but you can teach your child that everyone is different. Explain to her that she is lucky to have a nice home, toys and parents that love her. Some children just want a hug and dont even get that.
Temporary_Quote_7946@reddit
I would just say how lovely for them. And I always tell my kids every family is different and they can spend their money on whatever they want.
KinManana@reddit
'lower-class'
🤢
Redditreallyannoysme@reddit
Get over yourself. However I strongly suspect the post is fake rage bait. Most posts on UK Reddit are no longer genuine, even if a reasonable percentage of the comments are.
ImmediatePiano6690@reddit
That would make a lot of sense as it just doesn't add up really, the only way to really cash in on benefits is to have (or play on) varying issues like mental, or physical disabilities.
The other alternative is the parents spend hard on mortgage and finance deals.
Redditreallyannoysme@reddit
Or there's criminality involved.
Plenty_Delay_2869@reddit
100% fake rage bait
JonRoberts87@reddit
Yeah definitely. New account. No other posts than this.
No replies so far
da-happy-cyclops@reddit
Username checks out
Volley-Boat@reddit
Tell her it is because you and her Father would prefer to spend your money on gadgets and fam Ncy things around the house for yourselves, and she'll have to deal with that.
Madamemercury1993@reddit
Aside from what everyone else has said…
You’re apparently very obsessed with class and yet aren’t recognising you’re middle class. It’s just that you aren’t as rich as you’d like to be.
All you’re doing is allowing your kid to be materialistic. It seems you are also materialistic.
If a kid is having a fun, rich life and quality time with their parents and family they don’t GAF about iPads and phones.
Psychological-Bag272@reddit
The idea of children learning to sort their friends into class categories doesn’t sit well with me. It makes me wonder what values they’re being taught.
Madamemercury1993@reddit
Mum’s a teacher so tracks with my experience with teachers as a povvo. (Spoiler. Fucking shit)
shin-chan@reddit
Seriously though! My teachers always favoured the middle class students because they had much more in common with them.
I've replied this a few times now but it has pissed me off. OP you are a teacher, your husband is in marketing. You don't get to decide you are working class.
shin-chan@reddit
Thank you. The idea of a teacher calling themselves "working class" is making me eye roll.
What is the deal with people desperately trying to be working class nowadays?
Madamemercury1993@reddit
And marketing darling. That well known working class profession.
Snoo-67164@reddit
You're a primary school teacher and spouting this kind of nonsense?! Take a long hard look at the values and ideas you're instilling in your daughter where at 8 years old she's going round judging her friends' houses. LavenderandHoneybees response is excellent, and much better than you explaining that her other friends' parents earn more money.
winthewarpie@reddit
If she’s 8 she’s starting to be old enough to understand that people have different priorities. You can point out that you have a bigger house or car etc and that mum and dad spend their money on those things that will last rather than toys.
It’s part of teaching children about the value of money and appreciating what they have. She’s not too young to learn that.
My kids went to private schools and compared themselves to friends, some of whom were seriously wealthy….getting brand new cars for their 18th birthday and several luxury holidays a year.
But they understood everyone is different and appreciated what they had. It’s natural for children to compare themselves to their peers and we all don’t even as adults. Keep gently reminding her of the things she has to be grateful for.
Bigassbird@reddit
You are a teacher and you don’t know how to have a discussion with a child about what they can and can’t have?
And you’re also comfortable pigeonholing everyone in your orbit into class?
And you make assumptions about the finances of others and repeat them to your child?
You seem nice.
Bloatville@reddit
I thought the same.
A primary school teacher categorising her child's friends by 'class' is... something.
Green_Cloud1507@reddit
I would use it to teach comparison is the thief of joy and explain different people value different things so spend money on different things.
buy_me_lozenges@reddit
How do you know who buys the items for this 'lower class' child? You're resentfully assuming it comes from her irresponsible cash-strapped mother, but have you considered, in your extreme arrogance, that you don't know everything about their lives? And sadly, what you do you know, is probably because someone entrusted you with some private information.
NessaGuin@reddit
Grand parents on either side, aunts, uncles all sorts of people who could spoil a child.
It's not all just benefit fraud and poor money management.
Prudent-Pressure2146@reddit
Why does your kid know lower class as a term?
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
She didn’t say they did.
Prudent-Pressure2146@reddit
That’s not a term you need to use in the conversation then. An actual answer to your kid would be ‘some people have different money than we do’. I grew up on benefits, i used to ask for various things we couldn’t afford, that was always the answer.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
I didn’t feel OP bought up classes to her daughter, she said other people have more or less money. She should have said working class not lower class though.
Stained_concrete@reddit
Yeah I was wondering who uses that term any more. It's a bit... snobbish?
Prudent-Pressure2146@reddit
It’s deliberately provocative tbh I shouldn’t even be reacting to it
JohnnyC_1969@reddit
Fake ragebait post that's why.
Flat_Development6659@reddit
They're likely not irresponsible spenders, they're likely just cash rich.
I grew up in a similar scenario, my dad was in prison from when I was around 6 to around 13. On paper we were poor as hell, in reality we didn't want for anything.
MyAlt4WomanyStuff@reddit
"🤷♀️ your friend's mum is probably a drug dealer"
Cool_dude75@reddit
It is so difficult to be a parent. I guess you can say we are a working class family as well. My daughter had the same question about one of her friends whose dad is a taxi driver, mum don’t work, they live in social housing and are entitled to free school meals yet has the newest iPhone whilst she has hers from 3 years ago. We explained to her that people prioritise different things like going on holidays having a nice house etc. which we are fortunate enough to be a position to provide.
Bubble-Master96@reddit
I mean the kids dad is in prison, mum probably feels some guilt over that and is giving what she can to the daughter.
I would focus on explaining to your daughter that she doesn’t need the latest of everything and continue with showing saving cats
Psychological-Bag272@reddit
It’s 100% possible. I came from a broken home; my dad was a deadbeat, so everything fell on my mum. She had to leave us with our grandparents so she could move to another city to work and send money back. To make up for us not having a “traditional family,” she’d spend an obscene amount of money on the latest gadgets and toys for us.
Because of that, I tend to think that most parents who seem to be doing certain things for their kids whether it’s buying them iPads or teaching them how to budget, are probably just doing the best they can with what they have. In the end, it’s probably better to focus on teaching our kids not to compare themselves to others.
BioelectricBeing@reddit
Your daughter is probably picking up on your disapproval and wants to gossip with you. I really doubt you're as subtle as you think you are.
One lesson that I was taught that's stayed with me and served me well is "The only time you should look in someone else's bowl is to make sure they have enough," and to recognise that everyone can get jealous or feel superior to others but really, everyone has to live their own way and you can't ever really judge someone else properly, just your own assumptions about them.
It's also important to remember there's lots of people out there with a lot less... and it is a good thing when people do nice things for their children.
Fabulous-Rain-2643@reddit
Options:
1) 'How other people spend their money isn't our business, we should put our energy into other things that really matter to us.'
2) 'I know it's hard not to have the nice things you want, but we are so lucky to have family we love, and a warm home. Whenever we feel envious of others, we should refocus onto how grateful we are.'
3) 'Lots of people get nice, fancy things from their parents, but that doesn't mean that they're lucky. How much time, love, and attention do they get from their parents? We don't know, so we shouldn't be jealous when we don't know why material things seem to be so important in that family. Expensive stuff doesn't not equal happiness. I wonder how long a new iPad makes your friend happy before that feeling wears off and it doesn't make them happy anymore.'
4) 'You never know what other people's finances are like. People may have everything they want to buy, but for all we know, they don't have savings, they're going without healthy food, holidays and experiences, or even getting into debt to satisfy themselves in the short term. In our house, we prioritise owning our home so we can have a nice place to live that's all ours, and memorable experiences that will make us happy for a long time, and saving for your and our future. And being debt free, so we don't have that kind of stress. Just because people have the nice things doesn't mean they're happy, stable or going to be able to afford things forever. Most people don't have it both ways. Financial management is important and we will continue to teach you about it of you want, so you can understand how money works, especially in different classes in the UK.'
Depends what you want to prioritise in terms of parenting, and depends on what your kid is like, maturity and interests etc. It's an opportunity to teach her not to compare herself to others, not to put too much value on material goods, not to judge others, and to learn about the class system and personal finance.
SmellingThomas@reddit
I would try to make the conversation less about class and material items and more about values and morals. I don't think children at that age really understand the idea that different jobs pay different salaries and the repercussions and impact of this. Love isn't shown by what you buy it's by how you care.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
Start with quit explaining social classes and picking out which 8 year old is which class.
Then end with "if you're not happy with what we've given you, then we can take it all away"
pocahontasjane@reddit
The same reason her friend has a cheese sandwich for lunch and she has a ham sandwich.
Tricepesaurus@reddit
First don’t be so full of yourself. And stop judging other people, let them live the life they want despite if you agree or disagree with a decision and don’t ever call someone else “lower class”. It’s disrespectful and disgusting.
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
Yeah it should be working class.
Dax888@reddit
How do you know the child's grandparents didn't buy those items?
Short-Shopping3197@reddit
Own your own decisions and explain them to her, what her friend’s parents choose to buy for their kid isn’t for you to explain.
sshiverandshake@reddit
Full disclosure: I don't have kids of my own yet, but did raise two relatives full time for a few years.
I'd use this as a learning opportunity to discuss the welfare system (very generally and sympathetically) and then explain that different families choose to spend their money on different things.
In my experience kids will always ask 'why' and 'how', so it's inevitable that you'd have to cover how the friends Mum has the means to buy more than yourself, and the subject could be used as a jumping off point to discuss things like: taxes, pensions (it's never too early to start) and the NHS, maybe.
pocahontasjane@reddit
You screwed yourself by making assumptions about people's lives. I bought the newest iPhone for my partner - the box was damaged so got it for a good deal cheaper than full price. Not to mention buying things monthly are cheaper in the short term and is what many people do - leasing cars, phone contracts etc.
I highly doubt your daughter is coming home with this being the biggest concern because the post is written with an obvious bias to be rage bait. I grew up with nothing and it was a pretty simple explanation that we have what we can afford and others have what they can afford. One's social class didn't determine their material possessions.
Jayatthemoment@reddit
Because they have cheaper housing than you. You chose to spend your lower middle class income on a house.
Also, her father is in prison. Depending on what it was for, he almost certainly has access to resources a primary school teacher and a guy who does marketing don’t.
There are obvious disadvantages to being a marshmallow test failer, but not having nice things isn’t one of them. Your kid will probably work that out, eventually.
Past-Bicycle5959@reddit
How do you know the friend's mother is spending irresponsibly? You don't know what support she might get from elsewhere, or what her outgoings are.
You sound jealous of a woman who has been less fortunate than you and is just trying to give her daughter a happy childhood.
Koholinthibiscus@reddit
Explain debt. Because that’s what they’ll be in.
StrangerThings1106@reddit
Tell her nice houses cost money and therefore less money to spend on toys. Ask whether she wants to live in a nice big house or live in a tiny shithole?
SewReadLearnTravel@reddit
This feels less like a real dilemma and more like a setup for a class/welfare debate. The details are a bit too on-the-nose and stacked to one side to feel entirely authentic.
Current_Thing2244@reddit
This is bot rage bait.
GroomingTips96@reddit
Fucking nauseating superior attitude you have. I expect it infiltrates the way you treat the children in the classroom too.
PurchaseDry9350@reddit
Lower class?! And this is a benefit bashing post. You don't know their full financial situation or priorities. And you clearly don't understand the point of council houses. You don't always have to be poor to live in one. They are a public good, providing security and housing.
idreaminlowercase@reddit
Just because someone is on benefits and has a small home doesn’t mean they are dirt poor.
I’ve known ppl to live in big homes and you’d think they are rich but in reality they are actually poor and I’ve also known ppl who live in small homes have lots of expensive things so you really can’t judge when you don’t know how they live
Fuzzy_Cantaloupe6353@reddit
Oh wow you're judgy and kinda rude aren't you??
We just explained everyone is different, gave the kid a list of chores and an Henry savings account she can be in charge of.
Otherwise it goes on Christmas/birthday lists.
Kids aren't that deep we do stuff this way they do it there's is often more than enough
Conscious-Pie-4794@reddit
I think it's as simple as saying "different families prioritize different things" - you don't have all the latest things because you are saving yours for a better house? Better holidays? It's a great opportunity to teach how you don't need the latest things to be happy as loads of possessions don't bring happiness.
LavenderAndHoneybees@reddit
'Different houses have different circumstances (incomes, extended families, social networks) -- we focus on our own house, other people's circumstances aren't our business. It's nice your friend has nice things, we have nice things too. If there's something you really want we can talk about that for your birthday or ask Santa/Father Christmas.'
WeeklyPermission239@reddit
This is a problem entirely of your own making, created by your eagerness to judge others.
You could literally just say "I don't know, there's no way for us to know the details of anyone else's finances. Let's just focus on making sure we save comfortably!"
But instead you've contrived this 'issue' and brought it to us, so we can validate your reactionary thinking. Sorry, I won't sign off on that.
333333x@reddit
I don't think you should be teaching your child that richer kids get more toys or that because you have a nicer house you have more money. Don't teach her to compare what she has to others, it's irrelevant and not something you want her to keep as she grows older.
ReySpacefighter@reddit
Please do not instill these ridiculous rigid class ideas in your child.
oliviashrewtonbong@reddit
Or in the class they purport to teach
Select-Blood-1778@reddit
This post absolutely reeks of classim and judgement. Do better, if not for your sake, for your kids!
Puzzledandhangry@reddit
I’m in an almost exactly the same scenario as you. I explained that some people spend their money when they get it, on fancy shiny things…..while others save hard for bigger things. 🤷♀️ It’s not fair, that’s for sure.
Mental_Body_5496@reddit
Just to say my kids are now older teens and we brought them up fairly in the middle we have friends/neighbours/school families who are pretty wealthy and some who are on benefits.
They do tell me now they appreciate our balanced / modest / financially prudent approach but exposure to different ways families exist.
Material goods don't replace experiences together as a family or an absent dad (left or working long hours).
My daughter 16 was saying only today that schools should go back to teaching home economics properly - how to run a household, savings, budgeting, etc.
web3monk@reddit
You're a primary school teacher, I'm sure you can think of a great way to explain this!
I'd explain it properly without being judgey of the other parent. Everyone spends their money on different things, what you spend yours on, why and how you choose, why you think it's important to work hard if you can and that by doing that you are helping other people and that's what makes the world go around. And that you'd like her to do that and that by giving her money for doing chores you're trying to help her be ready for that and make good decisions about what she spends money on.
Spiritual_Tie3348@reddit
Very class obsessed.
alice_op@reddit
I don't have kids, but it might be a good time to introduce the idea of credit, and let her decide whether she thinks it's a good idea to go into debt for a new iPhone for an 8yo. Or even for an adult.
But I suspect it'll be too hard to introduce that as a concept - my own 9yo niece has asked for an iPhone and a Dyson airwrap for her birthday from us - the concept of how many hours you have to work for that is completely foreign to her.
lilletia@reddit
My usual response is that every family chooses to spend their money differently, making different choices. You can't explain everything, because you'll only ever be able to speculate how this family can afford such things.
FakeNordicAlien@reddit
“Your dad and I choose to spend our money on this house and [insert whatever other luxuries you choose - holidays, lessons, Netflix, whatever] and your friend’s mum chooses to spend her money on gadgets and toys. Everyone’s different and everyone gets to choose how they spend their money and what their priorities are. Choosing one thing often means giving up another thing. You might choose differently to us when you grow up, and that’s OK.”
mousecatcher4@reddit
Truly a mystery for the ages - almost as confusing as why you'd teach a child about budgeting when apparently the secret is just not to.
Thalamic_Cub@reddit
My parents explained to me that some families focus on items like toys and Ipads whilst other families focused on things like having a nice home or going on holiday every year.
Worked for me despite us not actually having any of those things
Mental_Body_5496@reddit
Agreed 👍
ZaharaWiggum@reddit
I think I used to say something like Parents make different decisions about what benefits their own children the most.
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