If your sister or brother is taking care of your parent, what’s your excuse not to help?

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the_couch_monster@reddit

My sister got the best of my parents - I was spare parts for her. She refuses to put mother into a nursing home per mother’s wishes so she can deal with it.

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My sister has been mooching off my parents for over 12 years including living in their house .She will barely talk to my Mother with dementia let alone lift a finger to help me take care of her.She says she wants to remember Mom the way she “Was”,I think it’s just a poor excuse and one day she’ll be sorry for her attitude.

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No-Staff-7107@reddit

My brother did not give ANY f***s about anyone but himself and I took my mom to the end of her road by myself.

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Gem2081@reddit

Speaking on behalf of my husband (I’m an only child), his parents helped his older sister only. They went to her house daily and cooked, cleaned, gardened, took care of her kids in every way imaginable. When we got married and bought a house a few years later, they visited us once in a while and babysat only if we had no other options. We live 10 minutes from them. They made it clear who was getting help and who wasn’t.

So, when the time comes that they need help, his sister is on the hook for all of it. We’ll visit once in a while and help only when no one else is available.

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Dishwaterdreams@reddit

My sister does the majority of the helping right now, but not a ton is needed yet. She loves the closest and has no children. I help when I can but I also have 4 kids, 2 of whom have medical challenges. I already deal with a lot. And I live on a farm so lots of other care involved. I wish I had more time honestly.

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BackLopsided2500@reddit

I was severely depressed and I couldn't do anything. I was on the couch 24/7. I rarely took a shower. I was just existing. It was caused by a medication my quack doctor was safe. Then I went into full blown withdrawal after tapering off of it. I know I lost precious time with my parents.

But after I recovered I was at their home every day. My brother was their caregiver and he never understood why even though he had depression too and had been hospitalized.

I had no control over my situation. I have lots of guilt though.

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MienaLovesCats@reddit

Iam already a caregiver. We have two children (17 & 21) who are on the Autism Spectrum. Also we live 5 hours from my parents.

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Apprehensive-Rub-609@reddit

I live an ocean away. However, I do what I can. My mom is challenging and I try to take my share of the FaceTimes so she can beat me up a bit instead of targeting my sister. I do acknowledge my sister has a much greater task load than me and I’m fine with her getting the bulk of my mother’s estate.

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rharper38@reddit

My brother lives a block up the street and has more PTO. I live 50 miles away and it's not a straight shot to a highway to get to our mom

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LizzieBeth66@reddit

I am the youngest of six (one of my siblings passed several years ago) and lived 6 hours (round trip) away from my mother. My 4 remaining siblings lived 20 minutes away and never lifted so much as a finger to help except, begrudgingly, for a few weeks when my MIL was literally dying. Our mother is far from perfect but not even remotely in the vicinity of abusive, did her best to take care of us with little help from our fathers (whom they are ironically slavishly devoted to) and and yet they turn a blind eye to her. Then had the audacity to complain about me moving her with 5 miles of me after YEARS of back and forth travel and countless days away from home. I can understand those reluctant to help when there is abuse but far too often, it’s pure selfishness. My husband’s younger sister was the spoiled princess of the family and couldn’t be bothered to help him or their older sister with their parents. Even if there is a rift between a parent and one or more of their adult child, I cannot imagine just leaving my sibling, if there is any sort of relationship, to do all the heavy lifting of caring for your mutual parent. What did I ever do to my siblings, except literally move what should be all of our shared burden onto my one set of shoulders, to deserve such treatment?

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StopCallingMeGeorge@reddit

I'm helping, but not to the level my brothers are. They are retired; I'm not (I'm the youngest). I work 50+ hours a week and occasionally travel for work.

The dynamics are interesting. My oldest brother is doing the heavy lifting ... helped mom choose an assisted living facility, has POA for both medical and legal, is prepping her house to be sold, and interviewing realtors. He's doing amazing work; looking out for her best interests at every turn. However, my mother is extremely angry with him.

Mom's in early stages of dementia. The transition to assisted living began when she got sepsis and was mad that we "forced" her to go to the hospital. My brother helped her visit several facilities and signed her up for her favorite. It's a really nice facility, nicer than I remember my older relatives going to when I was young. Unfortunately, my mother doesn't remember all of these decisions. In her mind, he forced her into a nursing home and he's trying to steal her money (none of that is true).

I see mom once or twice a week. I live an hour away and work a lot. She treats me as the golden child since I haven't been involved with the financial side of things. It's unfair to my brother, and it makes me feel guilty.

I could do more. I still go on vacations. I still have a social life. So I'm not entirely innocent. I'll balance that by saying that we're also helping my in-laws. My brothers no longer have in-laws that need care.

I'll finish by saying this isn't all bad. My brother and I are closer than we've been in years. We give mom a united front on decisions about her care. I've stepped up at times to give my brothers a break. My sons (20-somethings) have been helping with mom's house. We're all doing what we can, and the situation is bringing us closer instead of tearing the family apart.

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Much_Square7352@reddit

My adult daughter is my caregiver. My sister lives an hour away and can't be bothered. My brother retired from a major airline and travels the world for himself. I'm in end stage renal failure. I'm so grateful she is with me 💘 through heart and kidney failure emergency Ostomy. I have such furious resentment toward them and that's not good but they don't even offer to support her.Luckily they" are both "evangelical Christians "and that is how they present themselves. It's disgusting.

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paddedpothead420@reddit

Sister volunteered since Mom is raised her while my dad abducted brother and I when we were kids and has the extra space

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NDStars@reddit

Wait, what?

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paddedpothead420@reddit

Lol it's true, Dad abducted my brother and I when I was 3. Didn't find Mom until I was 37 meanwhile mom remarried and had my sister.

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llbellenow@reddit

My parent & step-parent were (and continue to try to be) extremely abusive to me, so I’ve have decided to go mostly no-contact for my own health. Unfortunately, both parents have had some health challenges in recent years, and my step-sibling, who has also been manipulative and abusive, has tried to guilt me into participating in their care. I choose to not put myself in places & situations where my abusers can continue to try to abuse. Additionally, our parents have ample financial means to currently meet their health & care needs. In fact, they recently chose to cancel in-home care because they didn’t want “someone in their home,” and then tried to guilt me to come help them. Well, choices have consequences, and it’s not my job to drop everything to come save them from a problem they created. And if any of my siblings want to get sucked into the unnecessary drama, that’s their choice. I have my boundaries and my own life to manage - and I don’t see those as “excuses” not to help. I choose to not put myself in harm’s way or get wrapped up in other people’s toxic games. Just because someone is “family” doesn’t mean they get a free pass to hurt you. Additionally, any unfortunate consequences they experience as a result of their choices are on them. I don’t owe my abusers anything.

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iDoNotHaveAnIQ@reddit

I'm just here to upvote you and to say I wholeheartedly agree.

Just because they are blood does not mean they can abuse and manipulate family.

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Neener216@reddit

My sister lived about an hour away and was dealing with Stage IV breast cancer. My brother was a senior executive in an extremely high-pressure business that required a lot of traveling. I assumed the responsibility of caring for my dad because I was fortunate enough to have a very flexible work schedule and had chosen to work from home so I could raise my child.

While it was a lot of work, I was so grateful to be in a position where I could do it and definitely didn't fault either of my siblings for not being able to do much. About a year into caring for my dad, I was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer - it was a pretty aggressive strain, but we caught it early enough and surgery/chemo/radiation put me into remission. My dad felt horrible that he was another responsibility for me to deal with during that time, although honestly it was a relief to be able to focus on something other than my illness and he and I could always make each other laugh :)

I know my brother and sister were both upset that they couldn't back me up more often, but I had zero resentment about that.

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Worldly-Ad3211@reddit

I’m very impressed - you have such a mature, understanding, loving attitude. I, on the other hand, have gone low contact with my sibling because of their refusal to do anything to help care for our parent, except for visiting once a week. Their excuse is that they are still recovering from their spouse’s death 2 years ago, and still feel very traumatized and fragile. I went low contact after I called them to come and help when my parent went into heart distress and the doctor recommended I take them to the ER. My sibling’s response? “Well, you’re already there, can’t you handle it?” It’s actually somewhat liberating to find out who you can count on in an emergency, or not.

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JadzaDax@reddit

That’s so nice to hear in a sea of awful stories. I’m kind of in the middle. My parents and fully dependent disabled sibling moved to my area and thus sealed my fate. Honestly, I feel more like you about the situation though. My kids got to grow up with grandparents that loved them and wanted them around. My 2 other siblings were far or had other responsibilities so weren’t around for the day to day. When we were at the end with each of my parents, one sibling really stepped up and saw them through when I couldn’t.

Disabled sibling lives in a nursing facility near by and I’m the only one who visits every week or so. I was very resentful of them for a long time. Things are better now but it was a very rough go mentally and emotionally for me.

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Neener216@reddit

It's definitely not a gig for everyone, and I imagine so much depends on whether you had good parents. It's much easier to shoulder the extra work if you're doing it for people who genuinely appreciate it and who were always there for you when you needed them :) If you're lucky, you try to focus on the good parts and realize the situation won't last forever, so maybe make the most of it while you can.

The fact that your other siblings don't bother to visit your disabled sibling is absolutely galling, though. Nobody is asking them to assume any kind of responsibility; just show up and offer a little comfort or distraction as often as possible.

Connections to other humans are generally inconvenient and require effort - I just hope those siblings don't expect everyone to drop everything for them when THEY need the company.

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Tasty-Bee-8339@reddit

My step mother has run off both of my siblings. My dad has lung cancer, Parkinson’s, and early dementia. My step mom is toxic, and we are pretty sure she is ruining our relationship with our dad, so she can justify taking all of us out of the will, and everything can be left to her kids. I was the least involved since my dad first started getting sick. Now there is no one left except me and I’m just helping out until the inevitable drama that leads to my shunning. It’s fucking stressful. My dad still has more good days than bad and he knows I’m there. Once he gets to the point that he doesn’t know who I am, I’ll probably bow out. She is so exhausting.

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geekymom@reddit

I'm in a similar boat. NC with dad's wife. I visit him in assisted living but otherwise do nothing because it would be impossible to jointly share the load with his wife. Probably means I'm getting nothing and I don't know that there would be much left anyway.

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Stigger32@reddit

I’m over 4000km away from them?🤷

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Foxingmatch@reddit

My parent chose to move close to that sibling while the rest of us are 8-10 hours away.

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Artistic-Deal5885@reddit

I live states away from my mother, who never liked me as a child, and who neglected all of her children except those who could do something for her. Sorry but long read to follow.

I have a very large family. My mom, age 97, is still sharp but physically dependent on a walker and cannot live alone. I suspect she is a narcissist. My mom raised us to not care for each other or be compassionate. It was every man for himself. We children were just trying to survive. We went without proper clothing and food. We needed to be on assistance but she was too proud. She didn't manage her family well, and I understand it was difficult to have so many children. I also understand it was a generational thing, to have a baby a year so they could be farm hands. She was a hateful, neglectful, bitchy, critical, verbally abusive woman. She called us horrible names and humiliated us, set us up to be mad at each other. It's only been in the past 4 years or so that she has accepted me, and I suspect it's because I'm an empath and would help her if she asked me to. She wants something from me, I'm not stupid. My own spouse needs constant care at the moment and I wouldn't be able to help out. My friends often marvel that I even speak to her. I have a happy loving heart and I don't want to corrode it by carrying a grudge or feeling negative against her. The fact that I have her figured out is enough for me, and the fact I don't have to live near her, or interact with her but a couple times a year is an added bonus. She's done some really ugly things to me - gave all the grandkids but mine Christmas presents the year she visited for Christmas. No one noticed, but my daughters did. And if you are thinking, there must be more to the story, here it is: I stopped going to the Catholic church, the faith I was raised in, and one sibling told her I was making fun of Catholics. Not true. I just stated that I believe differently now. She didn't like me before then, and she was mad at me for 20 years after that.

The fact that she was so unloving, uncaring, and did not nurture beyond doing laundry and cooking one meal a day, and usually not enough for everyone to be properly fed (one chicken for 10 people), makes my siblings not care what happens to her in her old age. She does not get visited often by her children nor grandchildren, and many live in within minutes of her. She talks shit about her children to other children, always has. My brother does absolutely everything for her. One sibling occasionally accompanies my brother to take mom to doctor visits. No one brings a casserole to help out. No one helps my mom financially. She is doing fine in that respect. My mom has so many regrets. She could have been so much nicer but she doesn't have it in her heart to be so. She is not a loving woman. Not once have I heard her give anyone a compliment. She never said thank you or how much fun the birthday parties were that we threw for her. She is happy to hurt and insult people, especially her own children.

One reaps what one sows.

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Tunashuffle@reddit

I can’t imagine what her childhood was like to barely-parent a slew of children.

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deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

No Politics - Political posts or comments of any sort are not permitted. If you wish to have political discussions, you may do so on our other sub r/GenXPolitics.

Breaking this rule may result in bans, either temporary or permanent.

Before you make the claim: No, providing respite from political discussions does not infringe on your rights.

Also, this politics ban was put before the sub over a year ago, and members have spoken.

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Sildaor@reddit

I work a lot and my sister is an unemployed bum. What else does she have to do?

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Significant_Pie_6806@reddit

My sister just dosent come over that why she dosent have to give excuse

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ZenRage@reddit

We take turns

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Infamous_Hyena_8882@reddit

My sister lived with my mom and my stepfather for quite a few years. When they got to the point where they needed around the clock care, she really stepped up. Thank God she was a registered nurse. I am the other hand lived 3000 miles away. I was and am so grateful that she was there. It wasn’t just the distance for me, but it was also the reality of having to face that. Maybe stepping into help and then never feeling like I could get away and get back to my own life. I know that sounds really terrible. Now as I think about my relationship today when the typical wedding vows say for better or for worse and in sickness and in health, dealing with somebody that’s getting older and isn’t healthy and having issues is absolutely terrifying

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Best_Talk_6853@reddit

I spend exactly as much care and effort on my remaining parent and sibling as they spent on me.

Zero. They can rot.

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colojason@reddit

This right here.

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Hey_Laaady@reddit

I was the sibling who did everything for our parents and everybody, including for other siblings.

I found that in the long run it was better for me to be the person to handle everything because then I knew the family member whose health was failing was getting the best care possible.

It was stressful beyond belief (and is still stressful with the family I have left) but at least I know things were done in the best interest of my family member.

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ParticularCrow8313@reddit

Same. It just made sense for me to handle everything. Plus, I'm a bit of a control freak and this way I knew everything was OK

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MommyXMommy@reddit

Honestly? Abuse. So much abuse and then the gaslighting claiming it never happened, and I was just a "difficult child". My siblings can CHOOSE to help them if that's what they want. I haven't had contact for over 6 years, and that isn't going to change no matter how much someone tries to guilt me into it.

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lifeofGuacmole@reddit

I send or offer $$, offer groceries. My mentally ill parent believes I’m going to send them to a nursing home. If I show up they get violent. We agreed I stay back and help in other ways. If need be I pay for a weekend away for my sibling. Either giving a free trip or covering in home care. Several siblings. And I’m the scapegoat. The 2 golden children are hands on and don’t get it. They finally got to see the transformation of a sweet kind person to the raging violent mess without me saying a word. I just pulled up.

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MommyXMommy@reddit

You're much kinder than I am. If someone wants to coddle my abusers, I simply cannot support that in any capacity. I really only speak to one of my siblings since I was the oldest child and the only one to break the cycle of generational trauma.

I look like the ungrateful child if my adoptive "mother" is doing the talking; but if you peered just below the surface, you would see that she is just as awful as my adoptive "father" for covering up for the things he did using a shield of religion. 🤮🤮

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olivefreak@reddit

I cut my true narcissistic mom off almost two decades ago. One brother stopped speaking to me because I still wouldn’t speak to her after her breast cancer diagnosis, she’s fine now. The other brother was fine with my decision but passed away a couple of years ago. The remaining brother lives with her. Pays nothing. Always lived with her and never paid anything. She supports him. She makes excuses for his bullshit. I’m 100% positive when she dies he will get whatever she has including her paid off house. The thing is, even if I were still talking to her she would still leave him everything. He’s been her favorite child since day one. I’m actually the youngest and he’s the middle. They have a weirdly enmeshed relationship. So no I have no plans to help. Ever. They both fall off the face of the planet. Anyone wants to judge me can join them.

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EmilyAnne1170@reddit

This all sounds really familiar! Except that I’m the oldest, only daughter, and it’s the youngest of her 3 sons who can do no wrong. He’s had 99% of her attention, time, money, energy, emotional support, etc. since 1977. She bought him a house in his name and remortgaged her own house to pay it off. Raised his kids (all 5 of them) for him. Now she’s struggling to pay her own monthly bills on her retirement income, and he’s not the least bit interested in helping her. (Neither are her other 3 kids, what a surprise.) Not that he could do much, because he still can’t keep a job for long and he has 5 kids.

I’ve always assumed that if there’s anything left to inherit it will go to him, even if I gave up my life to take care of her. I live 2500 miles away, and have NO plans to change that. Dad is still around, they divorced after 50 years of marriage. He’s told my brothers (not me directly) that I won’t be getting anything because I don’t deserve it. I am fine with that! Decided a long time ago that living my own life was worth a lot more than whatever scraps are left when they die.

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SeattleSteve62@reddit

They live close by, I’m on the other coast. They had help renovating 2 houses and years of babysitting that I didn’t get.

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writesgud@reddit

Let’s assume for sake of argument your parents were living close by you instead, with all the attendant benefits you’ve described. Would you then be taking the lead in elder care in the same way your sibling(s) currently are?

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SeattleSteve62@reddit

I don’t know if I’d take the lead, but I would certainly be more involved, visiting more, help getting them to appointments, etc.

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send2steph@reddit

I was the near by child and primary helper. Then I got leukemia. Moved them several states away for my brother to take care of. I'm in remission now, dad has passed, and mom has dementia and is in memory care. He has POA and takes care of her. Easier for one person to have the power to make decisions.

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BerryLanky@reddit

My sister moved mom into her home. Mom sold her house and spent that money to build a nice add on for her. All my siblings have told our mother to leave everything to our sister. She’s earned it. I live in another state. The remaining siblings live near her and spent time with her.

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Ecstatic-Manager-149@reddit

I'm no contact with my family due to childhood trauma.

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TakingItPeasy@reddit

My dad went thru 2 different bouts of huge hands on care. 1st time I was raising my 2 young kids with a high demand job and my sister never had kids and her husband does well, so she is a stay at home dog mom. She offered to move back home to help my mom care for him. I took a 2 week shift once, and offered to do another one and she emphatically told me 'no, that once she had the groove down on everything it is actually harder to take shifts.' Didn't matter - she resented the hell out of me, and we have no relationship anymore unfortunately - her choice not mine.

My dad passed of cancer last yr - I cared for him every other week until he passed and my sister did mostly nothing even tho she lives less than a mile down the street.

I regret nothing and feel good about being there for my dad there at the end.

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Comeoneileen1971@reddit

You are completely ignoring that many of us suffered abuse. No "excuse" needed.

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RedQueenWhiteQueen@reddit

Let's me speculate:

Bro #1: Because you are a woman, and because I have a family to take care of (as if the Tooth Fairy paid my rent while I took time off to drive 500 miles every time our mother needed something)

Bro#2: "I don't like hospitals"

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

Hahaha you got it.

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TheEnigmatyc@reddit

Why would anyone owe anyone else justification for why they opt out of taking care of their parents? Every family is different, and every child (sibling or not) grows up with different parents.

Siblings may have very different experiences and relationships with their parents, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that a sibling doesn’t care about the other sibling(s). It just means that one may have a boundary that the other(s) doesn’t. Putting the responsibility of one sibling’s wellbeing on the other doesn’t solve anything. It can become just as harmful to that other person’s wellbeing.

There are familial relationships that go far beyond “complicated.”

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ezgomer@reddit

and that’s what we are here to discuss…why certain siblings don’t participate in the care of an elderly parent

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TheEnigmatyc@reddit

“What’s your excuse not to help?” and “How do you justify it?” do not sound like questions welcoming a “discussion.” They sound like an attack, with expectations that a person’s history is owed to the questioner, for their choices.

Words matter.

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ezgomer@reddit

yawn

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TheEnigmatyc@reddit

Extremely intelligent “discussion.” 😂

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ScandiBaker@reddit

My siblings all live 2+ hours away, so realistically I was the one doing virtually all of the caregiving and dealing with constant mini-emergencies while also holding down a full-time job. I understood this was part of the deal.

At least in my case, the issue was with a sibling who wasn't supportive. There was constant "You should..." "You need to..." "Why don't you..." She loved to coach from the bleachers but always found a reason not to do the actual work. Her favorite excuse was "we can't do it because we're working." Uh, I was working too.

She also denigrated the effort involved. I remember one summer I had to take Mom to medical appointments every single week for over two months, and when I expressed that it was wearing me down, her response was "it's only an hour out of your day." Dear reader, it was NOT just an hour out of my day. She also criticized my yard and told me I needed to do something about the landscaping, never mind the fact that I was visiting Mom and running errands for her every weekend plus working weekends on a regular basis. Meanwhile she lived her life without disruption. Hell, she jetted off to Europe once a year.

That's the kind of stuff that leads to resentment and ends up permanently damaging the relationship - not who did what or how much, but the failure of any kind of grace towards the caregiver who shoulders the load.

Yeah, I'm still kind of mad but I'm working on getting over it.

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Both-Mango1@reddit

my parents actually asked my older brother (a bachelor) to help out because he was jobless and lived nearby. My wife has health issues (MS and clinical depression), and they knew my hands were full as i was more or less a single parent. I am grateful to him and he knows it. We've always got along well, my oldest brother is a bit of an ass.

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Sea-Oven-7560@reddit

My brother moved in because he was unemployed, he also likes to be the long suffering martyr so the 6 months of living with mom allowed up to live in her house for a couple of years. Frankly I think it's a fair trade. He had the time and the inclination, I had to pay rent so it really wasn't that doable for me. Further I doubt mom would have wanted me around that much, we never got along that good in the first place.

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karebear66@reddit

I, 71F, took more care of our mom and my brother took more care of our dad. It kinda evened out.

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kadyg@reddit

My Mom lives a literal stone’s throw from my brother. (I live on the other side of the country.) She’s also sharp as a tack and in excellent physical condition. Basically, all she “needs” is company and someone to feed her cats when she travels - two niches the grandchildren fill nicely.

All that being said, if and when the time comes that she needs more than that, I’m prepared to either go to her or throw money at my brother to help him support her.

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Familiar-Estate-4895@reddit

why do you need an excuse or justification? if one sibling takes on the load, that’s on them I’m afraid. no one needs excuses or justification. just own the fact you don’t like that parent and don’t owe them anything.

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Rand_74@reddit

I live 1500 miles away. I’m truly grateful for my brother.

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Sea-Oven-7560@reddit

Sometimes proximity and ability to handle the situation better is what matters. When dad needed some help I offered, I had the room, but he really didn't want to live where I lived and my sister's home and location was much more appealing to him. I also suggested that we, the children, reach into our pockets and make up the difference so he could afford to live in a place he liked, I was the only one who thought that was a good idea. So while I appreciate my sis for stepping up it's not like nobody else stepped up. It's just how it worked out. Just because our parents need help doesn't mean that they can't make valid decisions and choosing to stay closer to home vs relocating 1500 miles is a valid decision.

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Nervous_Survey_7072@reddit

My sibs live several states away, so it’s just me.

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ChaosTheoryGirl@reddit

I am the one taking care of my parents. My sister is quick to point out that her therapist told her she did not have to do anything she does not want to do, and she does not want to do anything. So there you have it.

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EmilyAnne1170@reddit

My parents are 82 but so far reasonably healthy. I moved far away from them in my 20’s for some damn good reasons, and have no intention of ever moving back there. But just because I don’t want to take care of them doesn’t mean my brothers have to. Each of their children can decide for themselves what they’re willing & able to do.

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ChaosTheoryGirl@reddit

That is all well and good, but family members are human beings. There is some responsibility as part of the human race to care for others. Your attitude is similar to hers, what it does not take into account is that you push off your responsibilities onto others. The duties don’t just disappear because of tough situations in the past. There are things you can do to help that do not involve dealing directly with your parents. Even give support to those that are in the trenches. My parents were horrible at their job, but that does not get me out of being a decent human.

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CreativeBusiness6588@reddit

Yeah, my twin sister went into therapy and went no contact with my divorced elderly parents. They are all on me now, she won't even ask if she can he!p in other ways even though she and her husband are wealthy. F therapists. They never have the full picture and their advice can be incredibly reckless.

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Charming_Location_76@reddit

I'm estranged from my father, I live 1500km away from my mother, I'm not in the financial position to be able to, she has chosen not to speak to me for the past two years, and I'm therefore quite content to leave my "eldest daughter duty" to my younger brother.

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Big-Imagination-4020@reddit

“Because you are so good at it”- nope basic care, cleaning maintaining a second house from my house when he was living independently, handling his finances, ordering meal, getting gifts “from” him for the kids- no expert, honestly i suck at juggling etc

“Because we have our own lives and obligations” -true, but I have a life, crazy busy schedule at work and two kids in a variety of travel sports

“Because you are close” - 8 kids between me and my siblings, 5 lived closer before the transition to assisted living (I place him in assisted living close to me to make it easier once the stairs in his house were too much) most locsted within a half hour of dad

“Because we hate to see dad like that, he doesn’t remember me”- due to dementia, he doesn’t always remember me- I don’t go for me- I go do him

Listen I know whoever can come up with whatever excuse and I can not make them to spend time or help me as I try to juggle it all, one day those siblings will regret it, and they will have to live with that

“

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scrappysmomma@reddit

So, real talk for those in the US who feel justified in letting their parents fend for themselves. Check whether the state they live in has something called “filial responsibility laws”. More than half the states do. These laws say that if the state runs up a lot of expenses caring for your parent, they could come after you for the money.

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HunterGreenLeaves@reddit

Your question isn't an objective one and seems to be quite personal.

You could ask what's your "reason" for not helping (or helping as much). It assumes either/or. Often one sibling does take on more - ongoing or for a period. It can be because of co-location, relationship and capacity (skill set, other obligations).

I think each individual is responsible for recognizing what they are able and willing to do. If siblings are unwilling to help, that means there are fewer resources. It doesn't mean the one who is willing to help is required to do so beyond what is healthy for them physically, mentally, financially.

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writesgud@reddit

In an abstract sense, sure. But having seen enough of this firsthand, some elder care required is unfortunately binary and expensive in either time, money, or both, with sometimes few compromises possible. So the options can easily lead to burnout or less than adequate support.

What can happen in those situations is the first sibling to “break” ends up shouldering more of the burden. And the other siblings simply allow that to happen because it’s easy.

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kevbayer@reddit

I lived 2000 miles away. She lived in the same city as my parents, often in the same house, and was an LPN.

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LauraLand27@reddit

Daddy turned 88 in March. He’s still going. He snowbirds, so whichever coast he’s on when he needs help will probably determine whether it’s my bro or me. I’ll probably drag him home to New York though, because I don’t like my brother’s parenting style. Plus, bro is high 200% of the time. I don’t trust daddy’s wife either.

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recastablefractable@reddit

I estranged for keeping me and my children safe from abuse reasons. If my parents or siblings eventually need care, they are not my problem.

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NoH8Kate@reddit

100%. i’m sorry you had to go through this too.

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recastablefractable@reddit

I'm sorry you did too.

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Incognito4771@reddit

Older bro refused to acknowledge that our mother had dementia, even after testing verified it and her mind was just.. gone. Said she didn’t need taken care of even after she clogged her septic twice with paper towels and shit on his floor when I took her there for a weekend visit.

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glowgrl@reddit

I was 1000 mile away. One brother was the execturture, one brother paid the nursing home, one brother replaced furnace, water heater, new roof, and HVAC. Sister was medical poa. Sold moms estate. Everyone got what they paid into from the sale. Mom left a stipend for each of us. Not life changing, but we never expected an inheritance. We just promised Dad we'd take care of everything.

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Financial-Squirrel67@reddit

My mother had dementia and my sibling and Mom's boyfriend convinced Mom to sign a POA and health care directive without letting me know Mom had been diagnosed.

Sib then moved Mom to a different state from where we grew up and at that point, Sib was on their own. I visited Mom when I could, but I was left out of planning and decisions that would have enabled me to be more helpful. Mom always said she didn't want us fighting over her or her stuff (there wasn't much), so I let it go.

I have no regrets but no longer speak to Sib because of messages about me that Sib delivered to my adult children after Mom's passing, supposedly from Mom. There's 2 sides to every story.

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Art-to-choke-hearts@reddit

I moved my whole family out of state to help my father for four years. My sister and her husband lost their jobs and showed up to help. One day my mom was sitting and she said “I Never thought that my girls would Be fighting over the inheritance.” I was floored because I never even talked about it with anyone so Being notified that I was fighting over it was a blow. Turns out my sister was just badmouthing me behind my back and putting all the expensive stuff in a safety deposit box so I couldn’t steal it. I don’t even know what’s in it because I didn’t want anything at that point. Well my sister started being a bitch to my parents trying To gotten and stealing. Apparently I’m the soul inheritor now. Shrug

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lovesriding@reddit

Over 3000 miles away.

Have offered for my mom to move here since I have lots of land and extra electricity set up along with septic and water but she doesn't want to leave where she lives now.

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FrontKangaroo2579@reddit

I live 1300 miles away.

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girlwithapinkpack@reddit

It’s only 250 for me but yeah, not living there

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BGL41940@reddit

If my parent were not dead, it would probably be me and my niece.

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Massive-Insect-sting@reddit

My mom and sister lived 1200 miles from me. When my mom passed away she wanted me and my sister to split her house and I have my sister my share of the house as a thanks for what she did taking care of my mom while I was far away

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Get_Breakfast_Done@reddit

That’s exactly how my brother and I feel. My sister will have the burden of taking care of my parents as she’s the only one that still lives in Canada. There won’t be a massive inheritance but she can have whatever there is.

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LadyNorbert@reddit

That was very good of you.

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blew_belle@reddit

Most humble of you. Neither of our siblings did anything and they were first in line for the checks after all the hard work before and after the death was done by us.

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Effinehright@reddit

Well he was always there for YOU, so yeah.

Anecdotally my family

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7eveness@reddit

At times this scares me. Me who has no kids. I will have to take care of myself

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Art-to-choke-hearts@reddit

I will make a graceful exit when it comes to living in an old Folks home.. Don’t feel bad though. Some people have kids and still end up in institutions when they’re no longer able To live at home alone.

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Seven_bushes@reddit

Same. I’ve researched where I can go and what needs to be done to make it happen. I used to joke with a nephew that he would be the one responsible for putting the pillow over my head; I’ve just moved on to something a tad more ethical and less guilt-inducing.

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Conscious_Life_8032@reddit

Same here Will hopefully not outlive my sibling and friends

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goodbyegoosegirl@reddit

Moved 2000 miles away from the family, for a reason.

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foosballallah@reddit

We live 14 hours away while my sil is a half mile away.

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LuvinLife125@reddit

I raised my 6 younger siblings through my entire childhood and young adulthood because my parents wouldn't. I served my time for family obligation.

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ContributionOk4015@reddit

My mother would never ask one of my (4) precious brothers to help her, my sister and I do everything.

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Samegenxgirl@reddit

I got call a slut before I even knew what the word meant

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stigbugly@reddit

Since I was given up for adoption and my biological half brother was always in the family, he gets to take care of mom. He’s the oldest of three kids from three fathers and my sister and I were both adopted out. The brother can do all that parent care since he got all the family time growing up. It took me 45 years of being separated from the family to just be back in it and I still feel like an in-law most of the time.

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stigbugly@reddit

Oh, and dad is just fine. He’s still doing his own thing at 82 and isn’t showing any signs of slowing down yet. My sister (from his second marriage) and I go visit him quite often.

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cellomom26@reddit

My golden child sibling has been living with my parents since his latest divorce. He has zero life skills, they had zero parenting skills, so I always knew it would play out this way.

Do I feel any guilt? Of course not. I was the scapegoat who worked hard, got far away from the dysfunction, and is living a good life.

Parents reap what they sow with their kids.

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CardinaLiz4@reddit

This is exactly my husband's scenario with his parents/sibling and you are exactly right.

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Art-to-choke-hearts@reddit

I did it for four years without your help. It’s your turn

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BabalonBimbo@reddit

I’m the sibling caring for the parent. I have been the caregiver for several family members and am a professional caregiver. So we all knew how this was going to play out. My brother is a functional alcoholic (his words) and has a really bad temper. He is fun to party with but would not be cut out for this and I fully understand that. I have a job because family members recognize when they aren’t capable of giving direct care and I respect people who make that choice as much as the ones who choose to care for their family members themselves.

Dad’s in pretty good shape but can’t keep track of paying bills and whatnot. We got a house together and altho I still work, we spend my days off doing fun things. It’s actually pretty rad. I appreciate that my brother is hands off with this and he appreciates getting to be.

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SufficientFlower1542@reddit

You sound awesome. If my dad were still alive I would love to have him live with us. He was fun and hanging out with him was totally rad!! He did so much for me and he died before I could give anything much back (although we spent a ton of time together, hope he loved it as much as I did).

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Unique-Ad-9316@reddit

My husband took care of his mother's affairs from out of state with many many trips to her location. His older brother lived 30 minutes away, but his health and his wife's illness made it too hard for him to be ableto help. The youngest brother lived in the same town, but was estranged from his mother since his youth and hadn't spoken to her in decades. During the last year, my MIL was so extremely difficult, we would joke that the younger brother had made the smart choice. She really was so hateful to everyone.

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SRMPDX@reddit

I live 1000 miles from my parents. I have two siblings that live very close and one who is closer but still an 8 hr drive away. One sib living close checks in on them and is helpful, the one halfway between does a lot but can be there too often. The other one hardly ever talks to them.

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cateri44@reddit

My sibling declared herself to be the caregiver and moved our parents out of their home to a place 5 minutes from her house and much further away from everyone else - against the advice and objections of the rest of us. Sorry kid, you wanted it, you got it.

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ICrossedTheRubicon@reddit

Brother and I started out 50/50 but then he decided it was an opportunity to make a grab for the inheritance. I got scrapegoated and decided to walk away. Best decision I've ever made. He dealt with the last year of all the crap and received 2/3 of the estate.

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SarcasticGirl27@reddit

My sister was taking care of our mother. Then our mother started experiencing issues with being able to get to the bathroom on time. That was her line. I can’t take care of her as she can’t do steps & there are 13 steps to get to my little one bedroom apartment. My brother has decided to say, “Fuck you all!” And doesn’t have anything to do with our mother as far as I know.

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ltlpunk@reddit

If my siblings cared about my well-being, then perhaps I could care about theirs.

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Quiet_Scientist6767@reddit

For my mom, my sister lived half a block away, and I live 3000 miles from them. So she was the primary care taker, and I flew down every other weekend, and spent 3 months helping after her surgery, during her radiation treatment, and for a month before she died. For my father in law, my sister in law is local to him, so is doing the lion's share, and is also taking the brunt of the emotional damage. My husband does his best to talk his dad down and give her a small respite from far away. It's hard between work and that he hates traveling (once at the destination he's fine, just being in transit gives him shpilkes) to get to visit them as often as all would like.

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Cleanclock@reddit

My mom kicked me out at 17 and our relationship never recovered. I moved 1500 miles away and now live in the other side of the globe. I text with her maybe 1-2x a year, and see her every few years. I paid her mortgage for 15 years before I got some sense.

My siblings rely on her for childcare and two of my siblings never moved out and still live with her. I feel no guilt and don’t even need an excuse.

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thoth218@reddit

I had to do (cause parents screwed up) from 27-35 cause I was the oldest and only one working at first

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deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

No Politics - Political posts or comments of any sort are not permitted. If you wish to have political discussions, you may do so on our other sub r/GenXPolitics.

Breaking this rule may result in bans, either temporary or permanent.

Before you make the claim: No, providing respite from political discussions does not infringe on your rights.

Also, this politics ban was put before the sub over a year ago, and members have spoken.

[-]

deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

[-]

GenX-ModTeam@reddit

No Politics - Political posts or comments of any sort are not permitted. If you wish to have political discussions, you may do so on our other sub r/GenXPolitics.

Breaking this rule may result in bans, either temporary or permanent.

Before you make the claim: No, providing respite from political discussions does not infringe on your rights.

Also, this politics ban was put before the sub over a year ago, and members have spoken.

[-]

alduarmile@reddit

I live 2k miles away, my sister lives across town, so care for our parents falls squarely on her. We have a good relationship, but as the first-born son I can do no wrong (in my parents’ eyes) and I know that bothers her. The frank truth is that she is unfairly burdened, so I openly acknowledge that fact, give her an out to vent with no judgement, avoid saying “what can I do” and instead try to offer constructive solutions, and in the end unilaterally support her position when it comes to our parent’s care. It’s very frustrating when she tells them something and they reject it but when I tell them the same thing they accept it, but it’s not going to change so instead we lean into it and I am often the one to push hard truths like “you simply cannot live on your own in a house with stairs smaller than your feet.”

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NoH8Kate@reddit

Thank you for acknowledging it. I wish my brothers would do the same. It would make all the difference in the world to me.

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alduarmile@reddit

Have you ever considered speaking with them about it? I’m not sure I would have realized how important it was on my own, it just happens that some lifelong family friends (three sisters) have an absolutely caustic relationship and it made me realize how devastated I would be if my sister and I drifted apart. It made me look back and realize I hadn’t been holding up my end.

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NoH8Kate@reddit

I think took some emotional intelligence my brothers don’t have. The toxicity in my family is undeniable. But somehow they don’t see it. Example, my mom’s aunt passed a couple of years ago. She had no children of her own so my mom and her siblings got everything in her will. My mother in turn, bought herself a new car (fine) and have one of my brothers her Toyota Corolla. The other got my aunts Cadillac. What did I get? Yep. Nothing. She’s also notorious for giving out $25 gift cards at Christmas. And then mailing everyone’s real gifts to their home so that I don’t “see” what happens.

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Quirky_Might_8780@reddit

I m so happy to hear you support your sister in this way!

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alduarmile@reddit

I missed opportunities to do so when we were younger, I won’t let that happen again.

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WA_State_Buckeye@reddit

I, too, live 2k miles away! Kid brother was mom's caregiver, so I made sure to check in periodically to see if HE needed anything. When major events happened (heart surgery, and a fall necessitating emergency brain surgery), I was on a plane the very next day. Took me weeks to go through a mountain of bankers boxes of papers to get her things in order, breaking at least 1 shredder from overuse. Plus I could sit with mom in hospital while brother worked his 7 to 5 job and not worry. When you have good family, you do what you can.

I was working on decluttering Mom's bedroom but Mom was putting up a fight about it. I finally showed a picture of her bedroom to the patient advocate I think she was? And she said oh no! That needs to be fixed before she can go home! I told her mom was fighting so she says okay I will be the bad guy. And she went in and told Mom that she ordered her room to be set up a certain way before she could go home. Mom was not happy but that is something you have to do; get everyone on your side and weaponize them if you have to! It sucks that you and sis can say the same thing but you are the only one listened to, so I'm glad you and sis have the work around!

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Big_Bottle3763@reddit

My sister lives around 500 miles away (Iowa) from me (Tennessee). Our parents had retired to Florida but about 2 years ago they chose to move to Iowa near my sister so mom could have help with our dad whose health has been getting progressively worse over the last few years. It works out ok for now. Our mom is thankfully still in good health but dad is a handful. I go and spend a week every couple of months to help out, and give my sister a break. Truthfully this arrangement is the best option because my brother in law and my sister’s two adult children also help out a lot. I have no kids and not married so it’s just me and my partner here. And cost of living where I am is not feasible for our parents to live near me. Eventually dad is going to have to go to assisted living, likely within 2 years or less. At that point our mom will probably move in with my sister.

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meenadu@reddit

I don’t blame my siblings. If I could get out of being the care taker I would too. It sucks.

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mostawesomemom@reddit

I’m curious what my brothers would say. The two that send $100 a month live out of state. One of those two has t come to visit in 4 + years

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shasta15@reddit

My middle brother still lives in our hometown, while youngest brother and I live in another state. Ironically, it was our mother who used to tease him that he’d be the one taking care of her unless he got out of town. He didn’t, so now he’s stuck. I try to help with admin stuff I can do from a distance, but so much falls to the one physically present. It’s really just the result of decisions made (to live elsewhere) decades ago.

While I love my mom, sometimes I’m more motivated to travel home to give my brother a break than to help her. I feel very protective of him and appreciate everything he does. Monetarily, he’s benefited from living close to our mother (money for house down payment, emergency dental work, lawn equipment) and I’m fine with that. I’ve suggested she should pay him a small stipend for the help he gives, but he won’t hear of it. He’s suffering from caregiver burnout for sure and it’s tough to watch from a distance.

None of use have the perfect relationship with each other or our mother, but we try to do the best we can. It sounds kind of insufferable, but I’ve found that trying to be as supportive of the caretaker sibling as possible really does help.

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AlissonHarlan@reddit

He basically got a free house while i was the scapegoat, he got the perks he manages the crap.
So i would help them exactly how they always helped me... money if they need it and i can, and nothing more. no support, no emotional labor.

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MissNancy1113@reddit

Let the favorite take care of her.

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blondeOtt@reddit

It's not an excuse, it's the truth. They don't want my help.

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ablueeyedkindofwhite@reddit

I’m the youngest of 4. I’m a woman with 3 boomer brothers. I’m 53, mom is 91, dad died 20+ years ago. Husband and I weren’t happy, so I moved in with my mom 4 years ago so I could take care of her.

I can’t complain. 2 of my brothers are retired and they will come and stay with my mom when I need a break or need to travel for work or vacation. Even though husband and I are separated, we’re good friends and he will help as well. Brothers will come over to mow the lawn or do odd jobs needed around the house. I work from home and I do all the cooking as well as Dr appts, insurance, make sure she’s eating and taking her meds, etc. Mom still insists on cleaning so we split the chores. It’s a small house so manageable.

So yeah, I bear the brunt of the day to day stuff, but the hubby and bros chip in, and I’m very comfortable asking them for help. I haven’t spoken to my oldest brother in 5 years so I just find an excuse to leave whenever he comes to visit lol. I’m lucky and grateful for them.

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Kryceks-Revenge@reddit

I did everything. My older sister is 500 miles away. Her contribution was calling our dad once a week and yammering about sports and hunting with him. And talking about her own kids. Which, fine. I was named executor of the will, power of attorney. I was there making all the decisions, even after our father passed. Eight years of my life like a frog in boiling water, not knowing how much I was doing at the end until I was a shell of a person.

Now the I’m handling every single fucking aspect of the estate. Without help. I could claim compensation, but the money is almost gone. And my sister is pushing back on things. While at the same time saying “you did so much.”

Note: please make sure wills and such are updated to reflect most recent wants of your parents. My father wanted me to have everything and told me explicitly how he wanted me to divide it up. But never changed his will.

The thing is, I was there for eight years grieving. The slow, long, twilight struggle. And when my father passed, there were some tears. But I was not expecting to see my sister and other family members grieving so so much at the memorial. I judged myself for not doing the same… what was wrong with me? Then I realized, I had been grieving for years. And they got their shock when he died, and their memorial grief after. And I just got this deep, dark numbness. I am in counseling now and it’s helping a lot. I wish I had started sooner.

And there are days when I get angry about them wailing and carrying on…. Like it’s the end of the world. The closest thing I could compare it to is that it was like someone dropped a nuclear bomb. They were in the blast range and felt it all in a second. I was outside of that and got to live in elderly-care post-apocalyptic survival mode. Not to sound hyperbolic, but I am still pissed about it in some ways. At the end, my dying father was experiencing dementia and would have moments of being so verbally abusive. And they all got to sweep in once a year, laugh and chat and then go home.

Lots of mixed feelings.

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Big_Boat_7471@reddit

I could really relate to this. I agree it’s really important to have an updated will. I’m in a situation where my parents made a shared POA and Executor. I have been 100% involved in my parent’s care because we lived close by. My sibling lived out of the country. He told me multiple times he liked to be hands off with the care and was happy to let me make decisions. My dad died now and all of sudden he wants to be involved 50% on every decision. He got a lawyer involved and I had to get my own lawyer to justify my actions. It’s a long story. It’s a huge job to take care of someone’s estate. Be grateful you didn’t have shared POA or executor. If you use your nuclear bomb analogy it feels like I was surviving on the outskirts but then got burned from a flying ember.

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Kryceks-Revenge@reddit

Yes. My sister is suddenly trying to micromanage things here. No lawyers, but yeah. I have been documenting everything I can think of. Fingers and toes crossed for your situation.

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Big_Boat_7471@reddit

Yes same thing. What I would like to know is why do siblings suddenly feel the need to interfere and make a big drama? It’s a common story.

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Kryceks-Revenge@reddit

In my case, it’s money. My sister wants everyone else to cover her shit financial decisions.

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Zealousideal_Goal550@reddit

“Elderly-care post-apocalyptic survival mode”. So well said. Living that now. It is hell but I know it’s also a gift to be able to care for my Mom although I feel like I’m drowning.

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Kryceks-Revenge@reddit

I’m so so sorry. Gentle online hugs from a rando. It’s hard to find support as a caregiver. There were a shit ton of resources for my elderly father, but for caregivers? I was on my own. I did end up in therapy with a wonderful counselor but that was out of pocket.

Please try to find moments for yourself.

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Responsible_Low_8021@reddit

How will I justify it? Easy. They told everyone for years I’m their “bitch daughter”. I’m the villian in their stories so why would I or from my POV they abandoned their kid so why would I? No one will expect me to help either way and if anyone has any feeling about it that’s their business.

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No-Win-2741@reddit

Same here. It's been 4 years since I've seen my mother and she only lives an hour north of me. My brother won't let me see her and he will not let me talk to her. If I want to know how she's doing I have to have the police go do a wellness check and then they get pissed off at me.

He'll last until she needs ongoing medical Care and then he'll bug out and they'll call me and I'll be like nope sorry. Y'all have ignored me for years you don't get to come crying now.

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Affectionate_Cost_88@reddit

I'm an only child. My dad is 82 and still doing pretty well, but my husband and I are still planning to move to be closer to him "just in case." Sometimes I wish I had a sibling, if even just to lean on for emotional support.

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allmykitlets@reddit

I, too, am an only child. My parents are divorced which makes things somewhat difficult. My dad, 92, already lives with us and I will soon be moving my mom, 90, in as well. This is the only time in my life I've really wished I had siblings.

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GrandmaD-4@reddit

It is tough. My parents were divorced, as well. My mom had no desire to leave her house. My dad had no choice after he had a stroke. Our house looked like a medical supply store. It was worth it. I wish every day that I had them back.

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Affectionate_Cost_88@reddit

Oh wow, yes that does complicate things. My mom passed away 16 years ago and Dad has been doing really great until just the past few months or so. My husband and I (no kids) live about five hours away, but are moving in the next couple of months to be closer. The house we're buying is one that, if needed, we can convert a suite for him.

Are your parents on good enough terms that having them in the same house won't present issues? I hope so for your sake, but yeah - a sibling would be super helpful in your situation! May things go as well and peacefully as possible!

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littlemsshiny@reddit

As a parent to an only, one thing that makes me sad is thinking of my child grieving my husband and I alone when we die. I hope he will be settled into a good life with strong support structure when that time comes.

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Affectionate_Cost_88@reddit

Well, if it makes you feel any better (and obviously I can only speak from my own experience), I have LOVED being an only child, and for the most part, I still do. I was able to have a close relationship with my parents and was afforded privileges (not just financial, but time, care, etc) that my friends and classmates who had siblings did not always have. I'm extremely grateful for that.

Mom passed away in 2010, and as I said, Dad is now 82, but still quite independent and doing well. When Mom was sick, Dad and I took care of her from the time she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer until the moment she died, and I've promised Dad that if he ever has a similar need, I'll be there for him. He's showing his age a bit, so I want to pretty much head any future issues off before they start, hence our move to be near him.

My husband is not very close to his own family, but he is such a source of love and support for me. I also have a best friend who has been like a sister since we were 14 years old back in the 80s, as well as other friends and family. But I have sometimes wondered what it would be like to have a sibling and if that particular form of support might be different? Mostly just a curiosity than anything.

But I tell you all this so hopefully you won't worry about your only child. If his upbringing was anything like mine, I'd say he's just fine. 😊 My original post probably sounded more melancholy than I intended for it to because my husband and I are leaving a city and a house that I love to move back to my hometown area and I have very mixed emotions about that. But overall, I wouldn't trade the only child experience I had.

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littlemsshiny@reddit

Thank you!

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GrandmaD-4@reddit

I feel this! I am an only. My mom passed in 2020. She had a rare neuro disease. It was rough for years. COVID finally took her. My dad lived with us for a year. He passed in Oct 2025. I have a 10yo son, a full time job. That year, I wished daily that I had a sibling. It was a heavy load to carry. But I am so glad I did it. My dad got to live with love for the last year of his life ❤️

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Affectionate_Cost_88@reddit

Yes! And that is my intention for my own dad when the time comes. I'm happy for you both, that you were able to give him that gift.

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PterodactyllPtits@reddit

I’m a caregiver watching this play out with two sisters.

Every time the out of town daughter breezes in, I hate her more.

She does a little performance, telling us how busy they are and how important they are.

I have to grit my teeth to get through it, but I just nod along and never engage or encourage her. I am so utterly unimpressed.

It’s funny except that it’s incredibly sad. She thinks I want her life, but in a way I think she wants my life.
She should be the one in here with her dad. Instead, she chose to move around all over the state and settle hours away. She lives her busy life, bossing people around at work. Meanwhile I get closer every day with her dad in his old age.

It really shouldn’t be this way.

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Grouchy_Assistant_75@reddit

I helped with my mom. I lived near and my mom and I were close. It was my choice to help and I never complained about my siblings who lived in other states. I went no contact with my dad in my early 20s. My older siblings didn't. I figured if he needed them it was their choice they could live with it.

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paciolionthegulf@reddit

I'm local so I'm doing the work, she's several hundred miles away. My sibling and I have an OK relationship, she's a reasonable person, but the circumstances seem to cause conflict even when everyone involved has the best intentions.

My favorite is when she starts with "make mom...." LOL. You come to town and you "make mom..." and let me know how that works out for you.

I think the non-helping, especially non-local, sibling really does not understand how difficult and stressful the situation is. The liminal time between not-100%-independent and nursing home has a thousand pitfalls and no map.

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Sense_Difficult@reddit

One of the most important things to do is to put a fund together to pay for home care if needed. It's essential. And your sibling could contribute to it.

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blew_belle@reddit

Kinda hard when all they want is the inheritance. So they call you a monster when you have to put them in rehab (nursing home that they never came home from) after they fall and break their back. When you have been doing everything you can to keep them in their home, cameras, WiFi thermostats, having kid in college move in, quit your job etc etc. It was all about the money. Haven't heard a peep from sil since we did all the work to sell the house, kicked our son out and she picked up her check.

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prayingforrain2525@reddit

"So they call you a monster"

Then where were they since you were such a "monster"? Other than wanting a check?

If you're such a monster, then they could have cared for themselves.

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Girl_with_no_Swag@reddit

We tried that. Everyone put money in and then SIL unilaterally decided to spend $600 to put Apple CarPlay into her mom’s car for her birthday. No one has contributed to the fund since.

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Sense_Difficult@reddit

Grrrrr

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Nice_Poet_6064@reddit

This is so true. Do NOT tell me what I am doing wrong or tell me what I should be doing different unless I have asked specifically, with 100% clarity. My husband has learned this the hard way.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

Probably true. There’s no way I would have guessed how much work it is.

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New-User9585@reddit

My mother-in-law loved independently until she was diagnosed with cancer two months ago. She had my husband, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd daughter.

2nd daughter had space and took MIL to live with her. Husband helped any way he could. He helped clean MILs apartment out, fixed things, hung things, visited. Anything MIL or 2nd sister asked.

3rd and 4th daughter started asking for MILs stuff. She was not dead. She did pass last week and they ramped it up. They are hauling 2nd daughter to get her life insurance immediately, clean out her bank account right now, give them whatever they want and deliver it because neither has a way to pick up what they want.

It's so awful. 2nd daughter took excellent care of MIL, she handled so much! Doctors, home care, equipment delivery, she's still handling stuff. She deserves better.

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Boedes@reddit

My mother is in this position. She is the only one out of three daughters not helping with her elderly parents.

Also she is the only one who was shipped to boarding school when she was nine and not supported at all by her parents once she got married at 18 and had us kids (my brother and I). She had to work a lot, along with my father, to get a relatively comfortable position. Not even when my brother passed and his house was seized by squatters, which took a huge toll on my mum, they showed any emotional support. They always expected us to go visit and fawn over them, look like a happy extended family at family reunions but never made any effort to meet with us or get to really know us.

The same could be said about her sisters. Generally speaking they consider themselves good people (and they might even be), but they had vastly different experiences while growing up and they never ever took any interest in us. I did not notice any of that until I was an adult and had children on my own. Then I connected all the dots and I just cannot unsee it.

They threatened my mother with some legal action for not being present, but it was all bogus as she took all the steps to cater for my grandparents (as in looking for carers for them and residential placements, should it be necessary but she did not want to be involved personally). My aunts wanted to sue her as they did not want to pay for carers initially, but then became overwhelmed with the reality of being carers themselves.

Not all siblings live in the same family and refusal to step up does not always mean not caring; it can simply be a way of setting boundaries and preserving some sense of justice within an unbalanced relationship.

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Low-Plankton4880@reddit

Because she’s a bitch narcissist and I have 2 young adults with special needs and a nonagenarian father in law living with us. I didn’t realise how stressful the relationship was until the day she threw me out of “her” (my dad’s) house for trying to express his wishes.

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ToyWitch13@reddit

No excuse, facts. I took care of our dad before he passed. I have a kid, she has no children and is 10 years younger. I also have some chronic illnesses that take a lot out of me. I help when I can. Just life.

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Awkward_Glove_1410@reddit

I lived several hundred miles from my parents and sibling, my sister lived 5 minutes away. That didn’t stop me from helping long distance with phone calls, doing research on the internet then sharing and discussing with my sister. When I was able I flew down to be there. I offered advice, suggestions and was a sounding board for my sister to mull things over, bounce ideas off of me, and to vent. We were a close knit family (both parents are now deceased). I did the same when her husband was ill and dying.

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WhispersOfCats@reddit

My parents (90 and 91) have the resources on top of being able to sell their house and move into assisted living near one of us kids. They refuse to. They are non-compliant with simple things such as wearing glasses or using a cane to not fall (they both fall regularly. We tell them each time that the next fall might be the BIG one that lands one of them in the nursing home they desperately do not want to go to but 🤷‍♀️).

My sister drives 5 hours one way at least once a month to check up on them and go to dr appts. She’s pretty much over it - they don’t live in filth, but they just can’t clean like they used to. Their memory is gone, they randomly leave open bags of chips on the counters for days, it’s just really difficult trying to improve their quality of life for their final years when they won’t do what they should (like put a clip on the fucking bag of chips, or actually do the physical therapy that’s going to help the shoulder pain, blah blah blah

I can’t give up my life for my parents. If they would be willing to move into assisted living, I would move to be close to them. But they won’t.

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WeirdHope57@reddit

I live halfway across the country; one sibling lived within thirty minutes of my late parents. One sibling was given the family farm in exchange for moving in with them when he couldn't find work after retiring from the military. Another sibling was able to work remotely and moved to the farm to ACTUALLY help. I had kids, with medical needs, still in elementary/middle/high school while parents were alive; siblings' kids were all adults.

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vs1023@reddit

I moved 500 miles away over 20 years ago. I almost ended up in foster care as a kid due to my mom's choices so I've been estranged for awhile now. I feel no obligation

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hep632@reddit

Neither my brother or I took care of our parents. Dad died when we we very young. In her early 60s, Mom was diagnosed with an incurable disease that would certainly kill her within 5 years. She lived about an 8 hour drive away from me and my brother. Ample time to move back to our town, where I had just started a new business and my brother had a young family (her only grandchildren). We did a ton of research on places for her to live, but she chose to stay in her tiny mountain town and wait for a cure that never came. We visited, but she made her bed and died in a nursing home.

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garygnuandthegnus2@reddit

GC vs. SG

If the GC receives all the love, attention, praise, support, house, cars, etc., while parent is healthy and SG is blamed and expected to be responsible and pay for everything, the parent(s) can fuck right on off on their deathbed(s) and their needing help years; let the GC care for them.

This SG wised up around 45 and said FTS! No regrets. I was used and abused far too long.

Do I care about sibling? As much as she did for me. When GC complained and cried and asked for help, I told her to sell one of the cars or houses she was given... that I was finally going to finally match the efforts shown towards me my entire life.

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waryfairycattails@reddit

Like another comment that I commented on, I really needed to hear this. Especially since you are at least a decade older than me, and I experienced the same dynamic with one other sibling. I feel the same as you did at 45 at 30.

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Mary-U@reddit

Initially, my brother was the one did day to day care (cooking, shopping, appointments) for Mom and I handled the $ and decisions. He has seriously mental health issues so I am the “decision maker”. Our other 3 sisters live hundreds of miles away.

Eventually, she needed care he couldn’t provide so I coordinated everything.

My sisters and brother were always grateful, and offered as much support as possible. But the bulk had always been on me.

I was closest, and once you handle the legal financial stuff (PoAs, Trustees, Estate executor) it’s hard to hand that off.

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Brondoma@reddit

Well my brother chose to never leave home. He doesn’t have any mental or physical handicaps that prevented him from being able to live on his own. My parents didn’t have medical issues until their 70s so he didn’t stay to take care of them. He didn’t pay rent either. He chose to live virtually free in their home. My father died several years ago. My mother died last year. I had a very volatile relationship with my mother for several years. I would take her to the Dr if she needed to go but beyond that I wasn’t going to bend over backwards for her when she refused to even acknowledge hurtful things she had done. So that’s how I justify it. I don’t feel badly about it.

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Comeoneileen1971@reddit

Only so many times you can be called horrible names and the picking fights. Too much crazy. And why is there always one sibling who can do no wrong, but takes advantage.

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Tazzy110@reddit

After a series of events, my sister and I told our parents (FL) that they had to live near one of their children. I live in NJ and my sister lives in GA. They wanted no parts of the NJ winter, so they moved to GA.

I spend as much time in GA as I can, but the day to day is with my sister.

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LitlThisLitlThat@reddit

She spent years babysitting her kids for free, taking them places, letting them sleep over, buying them things, and just spending time with them. Never missed a birthday, spent many holidays with them, went to tons of games and performances.

She only babysat one of my kids once, changed me $250 for one overnight, and refused to babysit the younger one because he was “too much work.” I was in a bind so I paid her. She stood them up on birthdays, never attended performances, and would make promises then flake last minute. She was horribly neglectful of me, abandoned me to live alone at age 16, and drank so much we often went without electric, phone, food, and even water. This was years after above sibling was grown.

If the favored sibling spent money, she informed all of us and we paid our share. Beyond that I did not offer any support or assistance.

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Leading-Fly-4597@reddit

They played favourites our whole lives and I wasn't the chosen one. Sucks to suck.

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waryfairycattails@reddit

I needed to read something like this. Thanks for sharing.

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Ok-Cranberry-5582@reddit

My 2 older siblings didnt make time. One lives 1.5 hours, the other closer than I do in same county. I did what I had to do, didnt regret it but never realized the toll it took on me. She passed, house sold 6 months ago and I feel like a different person mentally.

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mimi_whitehair@reddit

Bless you, that's not an easy job!

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djak@reddit

My sister had room in her house, and I was busy following my husband around the country while he was in the military. All I could really do was call my mom often, and visit her when I could afford a plane ticket. My sister didn't have her in the house for long though. My mom was pretty independent until she was having trouble driving. She left her little house, and moved in with my sister. A month later, she found out she had ALS. Four months later, she was gone.

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newengland26@reddit

i'd like to know this as well, as i'm the one taking care of the parents.

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Adventurous-Ad9623@reddit

it almost always falls on the sister or sister in law.

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TheJFilez@reddit

It kinda fell on me because my older sister is married and living her life and mine has been uncertain since my husband died and kids now grown. So here I am, year 2 of living at my mom’s house (liquidated everything and moved on in lol) and everyday I tell myself it’s only temporary and to bite my tongue and smile. It’s tough. My sisters in her own perfect world and I’m taking care of everything that needs to be done (including my youngest daughter in college who is special needs.) Trying to tell myself one day I will miss this.

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prayingforrain2525@reddit

Every time I see something like this, I'm reminded of caregivers who managed to get away with a lot of, er, things, because people in their "perfect world" have their heads shoved so far up their asses, that they don't notice anything until too late.

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iaMBictrochee@reddit

I'm the eldest daughter and I did this to be caregiver to Mom after Dad passed. It's been almost 12 years. Four of my siblings live within a half hour drive and the last time they visited was August. (They text her occasionally and video chat every now and then.)

I sincerely hope that your experience will be a lot better than mine has been.

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TheJFilez@reddit

12 years. Entering sainthood territory. This isn’t for the weak I will say. I dream about having my own home again, my own space and living on my terms. With my luck my mom will outlive me lol. Hugs to you my internet friend.

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iaMBictrochee@reddit

Thanks for the kind words and hugs! I absolutely needed both.

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SaintStephen77@reddit

My sister chose to move to another state, that is a 12 hour drive from where I live. Prior to that, my parents were a 5 hour drive away and I typically came to see them at least once a month. My sister then convinced them to move to within a 15 minute drive of her home. She has receive free child care, financial support, and home cooked meals prepared by my mother 5-7 days a week. My parents do a lot for her and her family. They currently allow my sister, niece, and nephew to live in their home as my sister navigates a nasty divorce.

I had zero say in the current living situation. My sister and her family could have just as easily moved near me, and even had a job offer, but chose to live over 12 hours away. She lobbied my parents incessantly and got them to live near her to support her and her families needs. I do not feel bad for not uprooting my life and moving to state whose values and lifestyle do not match mine, especially when I suggested that my parents moving away from all their natural supports wasn’t maybe the best idea. They had lived in the community where they retired for just over 20 years. Plus, my mom’s sister and family were all located nearby and able to help support them.

I help my parents out where I can and took 3 weeks of fmla to help care for my mom when she had cancer and had to have major surgery. I’ve also been the one to have hard conversations around his driving that my sister refuses to have because she benefits from my dad continuing to do things like pick her child up from school or take her to events. It’s only since the cancer, and now with my dad recently fracturing his back and having significant dementia issues is anyone thinking, gee, maybe we should have come to all the way out here to where we know no one and have minimal support.

I do what I can to help, but I am also limited given the distance. They keep suggesting I move out there and that just isn’t happening. I have my children, their extended family from my ex-wife, my current wife and her family, a long established career, and numerous long standing relationships where I live currently. I have been very firm in my stance and they have the means to support themselves and my sisters family as much as they choose. They are all welcome in my home anytime and the phone operates both ways

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Sasquatchmas@reddit

OMG my sister moved to NJ (from Wa state) and I SWEAR it's because she didn't want to be around as dad got old. Now I drive an hour and a half twice a month to take him premade meals and clean his house. He can't hear. He gives me gun magazines (WHY???) and gets butt hurt over dumb things (like me not being able to afford something). Tells me I'm getting ripped off when I tell him the price of something. It drives me NUTS. And now I'm using half my food budget to help feed him and my step mom. Sometimes he gives me $50 towards food at least. Oh and my step mom won't tell me what kind of meals she wants and she is SUPER picky. So it's really hard to take meals they BOTH like.

gif

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Athrynne@reddit

I moved to the other side of the country and I still had to take care of things, despite my brother living 30 minutes away.

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Infamous-Round-1898@reddit

I’ve heard this story (son checks out, daughter left to manage) more times than I can count and it’s enraging.

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Athrynne@reddit

Even after they died, I had to take care of everything. He was the original primary trustee and I had to have him sign the trust over to me because he just couldn't deal with it. Ah well.

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Sasquatchmas@reddit

My sister comes once or twice a year to see her doctor and visit her friends. She gives a couple hours to dad. Because she never tries to coordinate with me so I don't always get to see her. She won't even stay at his house. When she was a senior in HS our mom got sick and dies 2 years later. I was an adult and out of the house but came home for a week a month to help out. I think it has something to do with her feeling she had to bear the burden at that time and doesn't want to deal now. That's all I can think of. I don't think she really likes me anyway. I never hear from her but she emails our step mom on the regular (or maybe my step mom is the one emailing and she just replies?)

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EastAd7676@reddit

They were physically and emotionally very abusive towards me and a since deceased younger sister, whom I strongly suspect my mother had a hand in regarding her death, when we were young. My younger siblings (18 and 20 years younger than me). I’ve been NC with them for decades but also don’t wish them any harm either. Let my younger siblings handle them if they so choose.

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Bighorn_R_My_Jam@reddit

Your mom had a hand in your younger sibling’s death? Talk about covering the lead!

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EastAd7676@reddit

As I said, I strongly suspect; nothing that can be proven in court. You’d have to know the family dynamics.

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EastAd7676@reddit

EDIT: …younger siblings didn’t grow up with that abuse, but still acknowledge that our parents were still assholes while they were growing up.

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Southern_Tailgater@reddit

My husband lived several hours away, his sister still lived in the home and had never held a job. We considered it her contribution to her household. That's not to say we did not visit frequently, sit with them during hospitalizations, do repairs around the house, bring the holiday meals, etc. But we were both working and lived at a distance. We felt no guilt at the sister pulling her weight for a change

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zoeybeattheraccoon@reddit

I lived in another state and had a business to run. She was working 10 hours a week coaching youth sports.

She was overwhelmed and frustrated, but understood why I wasn't around all the time. I did make an effort to come out as often as I could.

In the end she got a bigger cut of the inheritance and a lot of stuff that she wanted (but I didn't), so it worked out for everyone.

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Crafty_Original_7349@reddit

My mom is toxic and narcissistic. I am very low contact with her because she’s very manipulative. I will help her if I have to, but I want little else to do with her.

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Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit

i was the one with their boots on the ground through the really tough stuff at the end of his life, so I'll speak up on their behalf. and spoiler alert, there's no animosity about it with us.

1. they both live remote.

2. nobody in our family is so rich in resources we can just up sticks and make a total disruption for two or three years, and then bounce back.

3. each of them in their way had played a significant role in looking after his needs and maintaining a family relationship even when I was no contact with him. elder care is a long relay race, not a marathon.

4. I had been the designated golden child through no intent of my own, and both of them matured enough not to hold it against me in adult life. my respect for them over that is immense.

5. yes, they both cared intensely.

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Kokodhem@reddit

I feel like I want to share this to our texting group... but that'd be passive aggressive

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PristineAlbatross988@reddit

Straight up truth. If someone can’t be there to help (physically or emotionally) they should do the footwork to help find or pay for resources: respite care for the caregiver, a day program or $$$ to support the caregiver paying for this.

Not saying some people aren’t just going to cut everyone off and not lift a finger, cause that happens for that individuals own reasons too.

Just my personal plans and thoughts

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Jiggz056@reddit

My excuse is simple, moved to another state and my parents didn’t want to come with me. Whelp sis, they are all yours now!

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Kitty_Mombo@reddit

They parentified me to take care of my brother (2yrs younger) and their band-aid baby (12th younger). I did my caregiving when I was 12! The youngest brother now can take care of them.

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aprillquinn@reddit

People with the same family grow up experiencing different parents, due to age differences, economic differences or levels of personality alignment.

My siblings, parents and I are all adults now. If you want to know why someone participates or not, ask them. BUT if you want the real answer vs the excuse or sanitized version be ready to hear the REAL answer.

IE mom was a bitch to me and favored you, or dad was sexually abusive or they were emotionally immature and unable to me when I repeatedly needed help.

If they had a real relationship with their children they would be without them. Exceptions for crummy children, but the relationship was under the parents stewardship for the bulk of the years while it was being formed. They need to take responsibility for it being lacking in the later years

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Prize_Vegetable_1276@reddit

In our family of 7, my dad adored my second oldest sister. He gave her money all the time. He would say how beautiful she was in front of the other sisters. She was his obvious favorite. It's just the way it was. When he was 90 and blind, guess who didn't even talk to him or answer his calls for 5 years, help out in any way or come to his funeral? Guess who ended up taking care of him? Me, not her. Other siblings all had legit reasons they couldn't be there to help (two brothers died before dad) but she had no reason. She didn't work, had ample money to be able to be there and no health issues.

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Significant-Sky9431@reddit

Brothers chose not to talk to me, and I have tried for years to establish a relationship with them. I am staying away because they refuse to be a part of my life. It sucks. I want to help, do whatever, I have wanted to let the past go, whatever they are upset about...but it comes back to I just have to accept it. My Dad knows, I talk to him, but this is how it is. Really does suck, I constantly try to make things better, but they will not even answer back.

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DanishWhoreHens@reddit

I was adopted. There were locks on the fridge and cupboards when I was there. I slept on a mattress in the garage. He beat, humiliated me and terrorized me until I ran. My sister, his biological daughter suffered NONE of that and got all the love and support. I already did my time “supporting” my father by being his convenient scapegoat and punching bag. Now it’s her turn.

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tungtingshrimp@reddit

I am so sorry. You did not deserve that. I hope you’ve been able to seek therapy.

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DanishWhoreHens@reddit

My sister put him on hospice last night and signed a DNR. I’ve spent the last 24 hours crying and shaking like I’ve got shell shock just from the relief that he’s almost gone.

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Kiwiatx@reddit

Sending you hugs. I’m so sorry you went through such a cruel childhood.

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tandem_kayak@reddit

Friend, I cried with relief when my abuser finally died. It's ok to feel that way. I finally got therapy years later and it has helped too. Take care of yourself.

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Mockingbird_1234@reddit

Oh, lord. I am so sorry you went through that but very glad you escaped.

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GaiaAnon@reddit

My mom lived with me for years. I took care of her most of my life and raised my brother. Now it's my brother's turn to take care of her. I don't really like being around her much. She made my life hell.

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coolmommytm@reddit

I’d very much like to know my brother’s answer to that, particularly since he was always her favorite twin.

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trueLOVElost4ever@reddit

I took care of my spouses mother.. She was a very unappreciative, angry unhappy woman... One of Her daughters constantly said "i'm the oldest sibling I should be taking care of mom" but never made any effort to do anything for her.. The other siblings lived within an hour's drive and had to be coerced to visit...And when they did, they did nothing to help.. I guess it was worth it in the long run after caring for her 8 years.. when she passed She left everything she owned to me. Needless to say, her children were not too happy... and other than my spouse, they all broke contact with us... We no longer exist in their eyes...

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prayingforrain2525@reddit

"and other than my spouse, they all broke contact with us... We no longer exist in their eyes..."

It's nice to see shitty people make things easy for others. :)

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percybert@reddit

Not an uncommon story.

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GlitteringMall5060@reddit

After my ailing parents were convinced to sell their house, they financed two thirds of the McMansion bought by my sister and her family as a house to live in together. Whenever I could, I dropped by to visit. Sometimes one or two days a week depending on how bad my parents health was, which was often pretty bad.

My daughter, partner and job were two hours away on the other side of the state.

When I was there, I did whatever was asked of me. Took my dad for a haircut, changed his diapers, helped both of them to the bathroom and get in and out of bed and change their clothes. Many of these chores my sister's boyfriend was unwilling to do. I sat with my parents for a couple of weekends while my sister was taking her daughter to cheer competitions.

I was told by my sister that I was not helping.

Sometimes "not helping" is a matter of perspective.

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Get_Breakfast_Done@reddit

I expect my sister will be the one to eventually take care of my parents. My brother and I both live abroad and I’m not really going to uproot my life and move back to Canada

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percybert@reddit

And what are your plans to help from abroad? Or is it out of sight out of mind?

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Get_Breakfast_Done@reddit

As I mentioned elsewhere I’m happy to help financially or as respite if my sister wants to go on holiday or whatever. We’ve already spoken about it and my sister is going to get the lions share of whatever inheritance there is, which she’s happy about as she needs it more than my brother or I do.

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percybert@reddit

You mean the comment posted “elsewhere” after my question? That’s all well and good but the emotional and physical strain of taking on the lions share of caring is more than a couple of weekends of respite here and there. And frankly once all the costs and caring expenses are taken into account, who knows what the inheritance will be worth. And frankly verbal agreements over “lions share” mean nothing.

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Get_Breakfast_Done@reddit

Indeed, the inheritance isn’t going to be worth millions. But my brother and I are in the same situation; we are both married to foreign women (his wife is American, mine is Brazilian) and they have obligations to care for their own parents. So again, what do you want us to do? Have our wives abandon their parents? Live apart from our wives?

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Careless_Bar_5920@reddit

So she's stuck with the elder care because she didn't get to go on international adventures like the boys? I'm sure she'll do it because she lives her parents, but it hardly seems fair.

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Get_Breakfast_Done@reddit

I mean I’m happy to help money wise or whatever, or come stay in my sisters house for a while if she wants to go on holiday, but unless my parents want to move to Brazil I don’t know what else to suggest.

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eat-real-chips@reddit

Tale as old as time. It always falls to the daughters

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formercotsachick@reddit

My younger SIL helps the most with my MIL because they live in the same place. She is in assisted living, but SIL is responsible for getting her to doctors appointments and such. We live 9 hours and several states away.

We do what we can from long-distance; we oversee all of her finances, and with POA have been able to get her solidly in a place where she should be financially secure for the rest of her life. Before she moved into assisted living, we paid for a housekeeper to come once a week because on a visit it became quite clear she was not able to keep up with the house herself.

SIL is in a very bad position financially due to a lifetime of terrible decisions. Because she does so much of the heavy lifting with MIL, we have helped her out financially here and there. We would have loved to have had her take MIL in and become a full time paid caretaker as her current job is low paying and a dead end, but her house is extremely dirty/unsanitary, and not a safe place for an 83 year old woman with the beginning signs of dementia. My husband is absolutely concerned for his sister's well-being and they talk on the phone or at least text multiple times per week. When we visit, we get a nice AirB&B on the water where we can all hang out, and I cook for everyone. The last time we visited my husband went to SIL's house and mowed her lawn for her, because she mentioned it was getting out of hand.

Back when my MIL was in her 60's, we tried to get her to move to where we were. It's a much better area, about 25 minutes from a major metropolitan area. We did this knowing that we'd have to shoulder all of the things that my SIL does now, and were honestly happy to. We were the most financially stable of the kids, and had a fair amount of free time to help her out whenever she needed (only one child, I WFH full time, etc.). However, she preferred to stay down south in the rural town where most of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren lived or lived near.

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BigMomma12345678@reddit

My parents made sure the youngest would not leave them by helping them buy a house. Now my mom is a widow who needs help with simple things, but feel shy to "bother" the kid who lives 4 miles away and instead keeps complaining to me living in another state about not having any help.

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garygnuandthegnus2@reddit

Tell her to give you a house and you would be glad to help her out or better yet, tell her you would if you could but you had to pick up a second job to pay your mortgage. What is wrong with parents brains to favor one child but ask the other child for help all the time?

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temerairevm@reddit

It was always super obvious that my brother was the kid they wanted to have and I was the accidental one. We don’t have a great relationship now.

I live far away. My brother has lived with them rent free for years, my mother will do his laundry until she dies. I was told years ago I’d inherit less. (It’s really not about that, but that’s out in the open.)

When the time comes I feel really comfortable with my brother doing the lion’s share of the work.

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NoH8Kate@reddit

I’ll get nothing. Provided she hasn’t already spent it all on my brothers when she passes anyway.

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Expensive-Day-3551@reddit

I have a special needs kid I need to worry about. My dad only ever made my life harder. So if he needs care someday and my sibling chooses to take care of him, that’s on them. I’m fine with them going to a nursing home.

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penguinplaid23@reddit

My younger brother was my dad's caregiver at the end. I live about an hour away. I tried to come visit atleast monthly. Not always easily accomplished due to work or other family obligations. He did so willingly and i appreciate what he did! My dad wished to stay in his own home. Not enough room for my family even if i had wanted. And he stated that he wouldn't want to move into my home. That settled the matter.

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Av8Xx@reddit

I work full time and live in a different state. My brother lives on my parents land and hasn’t worked in 20 years. He can do it. He totally lives off them, no rent, no utilities, no car, no car insurance. And they put him on the land title not my sister who actually did the work caring for them and working a job.

My older sister was doing it. She went decades living with them and not working because she was an alcoholic. She got a job in Texas and really expected me to do it. The whole idea that it has to be a daughter even though the sons wont work really pisses me off.

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North-Neat-7977@reddit

I am estranged from my mom because she's a horrible person. I would burn my money before I would use it to feed her. I honestly don't know if any of my siblings are helping her in her old age and I don't care.

Every day I hope to find out she is finally dead.

I don't need an excuse.

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NoH8Kate@reddit

I check the obits in my old town regularly going one day so I can wish she’s finally where she belongs.

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djr650@reddit

I'm simply living on the other side of the world.

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4Bigdaddy73@reddit

I have cancer and kids in the house. I don’t feel too horrible about my empty nester siblings stepping up more than I have.

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NoH8Kate@reddit

My mother never cared for me when I needed it, so she’s on her own.

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Individual-Fail4709@reddit

Your sibling does though.

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Unique-Sock3366@reddit

Siblings have autonomy, too. They don’t have to provide care for our abusers.

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Individual-Fail4709@reddit

Agree, but not all of these are because of abuse. Some are selfishness or laziness.

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Unique-Sock3366@reddit

Absolutely true. And heard.

But the comment we’re directly replying to is about neglect.

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Individual-Fail4709@reddit

Not caring is not necessarily abuse. Was the kid an addict? Was the parent? A few words doesn't mean abuse.

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NoH8Kate@reddit

I’m not an addict. Thanks for your concern. And the last I learned in life was that parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally. I never got that luxury though.

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Unique-Sock3366@reddit

I said “neglect.”

And “a few words” can absolutely be abuse.

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MuttsandHuskies@reddit

How do you know if the sibling raised a person or not? And if they did, wouldn't that mean that you should care for the sibling when they age?

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Inattendue@reddit

You assume there’s a sibling…

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Individual-Fail4709@reddit

That was the post.

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NoH8Kate@reddit

My mom was a great mom to my brothers. She didn’t want a daughter. I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t care anymore.

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ennuiandapathy@reddit

My youngest sister (Y) is my mom’s POA and medical proxy. My middle sister (M) and I live further away but had been trading off traveling to help with mom prior to her going into assisted living, while Y (who lived 20 away) was “too busy” to stop by to help with the bills, shopping or taking mom to appointments.

When my mom first went into care, Y insisted that she be the only one making decisions for mom and handling her finances, despite being uninvolved up to this point. While M and I weren’t crazy about this idea, it made sense because Y lived closer and could better handle moving and finding a facility and taking care of all of the paperwork. Except, once she had all of the legal ends tied up (and that was a shit show, let me tell you – especially when she expected us to help with mom‘s apartment or the bills, only to find out that she was the one holding the power of attorney and M and I couldn’t do a damn thing), she cut me and my sister off from any information or having any decision making input.

There’s a lot of bad blood and hard feelings between us, now. M and I had to threaten to take her to court in order to be allowed access to the care facility where mom is staying. So, lol I would’ve liked to be involved in mom’s care, my sister made sure that wasn’t an option.

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sobrie01@reddit

My sister is a control freak. She has alienated each sibling to the point no one wants to help. You know those people who think they do it all and you must comply under their timeline or you suck.

No longer feel guilty.

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ancientastronaut2@reddit

Sounds like they're positioning themselves to get a bigger inheritance.

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sobrie01@reddit

My mom is very wealthy. I still no longer will be abused by a person who complains out one side of her mouth while not allowing anyone to do anything. Wish it was different but it isn’t

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GlowInTheDarkSpaces@reddit

that was my SIL but with a huge helping of martyrdom

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Bighorn_R_My_Jam@reddit

I have the steadier job with benefits like FMLA and WFH (since 2011). I’m also calmer and more nurturing. The my brother went off and got cancer and died, so there went my backup plan. Fuck cancer!

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Elegant-Plantain-370@reddit

I'm the youngest of 6 and my eldest sister is 12 years older than me and a bit of a control freak. In spite of me being willing to come and help out, it was always obvious that no one ever trusted that I knew what to do. She was willing to let my other sibs (except the black sheep) help out more but she kinda always ended up doing the lion's share herself. My other sisters have some thoughts as to why that don't really reflect well on the eldest.

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my_sister333@reddit

She doesn’t want me to. She wants her golden child to do it. That’s why she gave them all the financial support and me none. Because they would always be their baby and need them, but I could always take care of myself. Even when I asked for help, I was denied. So no, I will not be helping. That’s what they want. She knows where she put her efforts to make sure her bread is buttered, and it wasn’t with me. She wouldn’t even dare ask me.

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rsuperjet2@reddit

I am in a similar situation as you. Things fell apart when my dad passed away 5 years ago and it was very obvious who my mom's golden child was (not me).

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ArtBear1212@reddit

I wish the idea would be about helping your sibling in a very hard situation. I know my older brother had a difficult relationship with our parents (because he didn’t like to follow rules and kept wrecking cars) but I feel it was totally unfair for me to shoulder the burden alone.

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retrac902@reddit

I don't need an excuse. My sister laughed at me when I offered.

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GrimFae13@reddit

Not taking care of them yet, but my sister and her family still live in our hometown. My nephew willingly lives with our parents and helps out around their place. I'm an hour away and will go help out in an emergency. Our parents are polar opposites of us kids' morale values. They can't help but preach about how wrong we are every time we all get together. It got old decades ago so it's usually holidays when we see each other.

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Ok_Comment5883@reddit

In a nutshell, I was the eldest, caring, empathic one and always had been the one that was reliable and always there. My younger sibling was selfish, manipulative, cruel, and 'too tired' to help, or even visit, as they 'didn't like hospitals'. They had a car, no children, nor a job, but didn't care for our parents. I had no car, 3 young children on my own, and a job, but I did it all. I heard all the excuses, and it hurt my parents when they needed the support. I'll never talk to my sibling again since our parents are gone.

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Revolutionary-Fan235@reddit

Some parents groom a kid to be their eventual caretaker. That kid got the benefits and fittingly gets the due bill.

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JettSuperior@reddit

What benefits?

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nobody_smart@reddit

Being the 'Golden Child' Didn't work out that way in my family because 'Golden Child' moved out west and still needed financial support from my folks.

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essdeecee@reddit

My poor dad had to do the heavy lifting of taking care of his parents. It was expected that his oldest brother would do it(tradition where they came from) so my dad has the responsibility without the perks growing up.

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PsychologicalRead390@reddit

My sister lives in Florida that’s her excuse . She’s fine giving money but all the hands on stuff is left to me because I’m a nurse and because I’m local

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Arglebarglor@reddit

Yep me too exactly

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AimlessClimber@reddit

Have you looked into Medicare provided caregivers? There are lots of programs, depending on your state, that can be tapped into. A lot of people do NOT know about them, and the only reason I do is because of being in case management.

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Embarrassed_Wrap8421@reddit

My youngest brother couldn’t be bothered helping out with Mom, but was eager to grab up her stuff after she died.

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Leap_year_shanz13@reddit

I was the caretaker and my brother lived 12 hours away. On purpose.

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Arglebarglor@reddit

My sister lives in another state. Care of my mom fell on me when she was sick/dying and care of my dad will be the same. My sister took over the financial stuff so I didn’t have to deal with that. We are very close and it’s just how it worked out. Although there was a time when our dad was considering moving to her state because she has the grandkids and cost of living is cheaper there. I talked him out of it bc my sister had a different and more…complex relationship with him than I did (long story) and frankly, she doesn’t like him very much (don’t worry, no abuse) but I do. Happy to care for him if she helps out with the finances (which she is better equipped to do anyway).

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neoreeps@reddit

The parent was never there for me. Not as a youth not as a young adult and not as an adult. I have zero desire to now spend my adulthood taking care of them when they had nothing to do with me. My sister is a caregiver, she enjoys it, good for her, I don't, good for me.

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MyAvarice4@reddit

I live 2,600 miles away, and my older sister (and her daughter and grandkids) live with them rent free - and have even before they needed the help.

To be fair, I check in regularly with my parents and my sister, often thank sis for taking care of them and send her gift cards etc., but she definitely has more expendable income due to a decent alimony allowance (nearly $3k), her share of the house sale, and a “for funsies” part-time job.

I had also asked my parents to come stay with me previously. My mom had said, “Well, we don’t have any better offers.” Haha. Thanks, Mom. My dad and I are very close, and he loved the idea, but Dad wouldn’t come without Mom, and she came into a little money after grandma passed, and combined with their house sale money they crossed the country instead.

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LadyNorbert@reddit

My MIL is going to be 90 next year and is in fantastic shape for her age. Her unmarried daughter lives with her and handles most of the day-to-day details, but my husband and I live about 20 minutes away and are always ready to help when we're needed. My own mother is considerably younger and doesn't need any care at all, but I live right across the street and can be there in seconds.

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Terrorcuda17@reddit

My wife and I have dealt with her father living with us for 13 years. He moves out to the sister in law's in two Saturdays. She can have the drunk because apparently we're "not taking good enough care of him". He's a drunk. He sits, watches TV and drinks and smokes. Have at it little sis.

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Optimal_Childhood_71@reddit

She's disabled herself, and she died in 2008. Excuses.

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False_Juggernaut_618@reddit

My parent was fairly emotionally abusive, was never confronted in it except from me, also had financial means to take care of themselves. My sibling had a lot of guilt and loyalty. Like, “this is just what you’re supposed to do”

I encouraged sibling to allow professionals to come care for parent. They continued to care for parent and along with that, endured the abusiveness.

I withdrew to protect myself. I still had contact and I did some things, but … no, I wasn’t the main caregiver.

That was their choice.

Part of me feels guilt about that but another part of me thinks, one, children should not be saddled with being a full time caregiver for their elderly parents, and two, if they have the finances to pay for caregivers, then hire help and let your children be your children. Third, all bets are off if you’re nasty to me when I try to help.

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dogownedhoomun@reddit

Funny. Im the younger of 2. Im the one

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mtcrick@reddit

I'm the youngest of 4. One brother lives here. He sees them about twice a year. I see them multiple times a week.

I am also the one. One sister comes to visit regularly to help do the heavy cleaning and give me a break. The sons are useless.

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chipinserted@reddit

They live little over an hour away my sister owns her own home and I live with my in laws helping them I'd have no issues helping but I am always told no when I offer to do things that would help our mother

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Ill_Salad_1022@reddit

We built a house on family property close to my mom. I felt I had done the right thing when my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 20+years later my mom is diagnosed with Parkinson's with dementia, complicating her diabetes, almost blindness and almost deafness I moved in with her but at least I can almost see my home for here. I would still cook dinner and my husband and college age kid at home, would come and we would have family time It was the hardest thing I have done. I am an only child. My cousin helped me and sometimes I would pay her for me to run home and sleep all weekend in my own bed. My mom lasted a year. I didn't want her to go but didn't know how we would continue as we were. My cousin ans I were both running on fumes I was incredibly disappointed in her church. They talked a really game of love and Christ and etc during the time two years ago when I carried her to church every Sunday. Mama was one of those ladies who went every Sunday. Now we are in the Deep South and I have a hard time not sneering when someone mentions Southern Baptist...she had been out of church for three months and I finally texted her pastor and told him to man up and check on her He did but for the next 18 months only twice and no one else came I was disappointed in them and their projection of Their own holiness

I just realized I prob have no place on this sub other than to say I wish people worked together. A church lady could have sat by her bed 15 min so I could get a shower or a quick nap. Sublings should do their part And yes when she passed, I sent the church zero

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MaliciousIntentWorks@reddit

I took care of my mom and my dad with my sister until they passed. My sister was good at keeping track of their medications and she did my mother's personal cleaning since my mom wouldn't let me help her with that. Everything else I was supposed to do. Now I've been stuck here cleaning up my parents' horde so we can sell the property. Not one of my siblings is willing to help, in fact the same sister seems to do everything she can to prevent me from clearing out the house. I got sick and broke my arm and had several months where I couldn't pick up and haul stuff away. All I hear from my sister is she is going to help do this or that, it's been months and all she has done is move around her own stuff, make a mess, smoke pot, and eat. My niece that I thought might help hasn't lifted a finger this entire time. This is madding, I can't get out of here until the property sells and I'm too injured to even pick up a box right now. My other two sisters are not going to help at all they just want the money.

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Grandmas2Boys@reddit

Hire a company to help you clean it out and save the invoices. Pay yourself back for your time and the expense out of the sale of the property proceeds. Tell your siblings since they refuse to actually help you that this is what you’re doing. And put it in writing, with a copy to all.

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Chancevexed@reddit

My parents treated my brother like the favourite his whole life so they can be with their favourite. He benefitted greatly from being the favourite so not interested in hearing his tears now that he has to do some work instead of being the golden child.

Oh, and yeah, as you can imagine he likes to claim he wasn't the favourite but one of us got given a house whereas the other didn't soooooo......

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NoRestForTheWitty@reddit

Oh, look, it’s in a note on my phone for the next nosy relative that asks me.

I’m glad that you care for my mother. She’s fortunate to have your support, and I hope that brings her comfort. My experience with her has been difficult, and I’ve had to step back for my own well-being. I trust there will be many opportunities for you to be there for her in meaningful ways.

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chinstrap@reddit

My brother's.excuse is that he died 2 years ago. Fucking slacker.

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nonstop2nowhere@reddit

I'm an only child, my husband has one sibling, both sets of parents raised us in dysfunction, are aging and facing health challenges.

My parents chose to move to another country for their retirement. They knew I would have physical difficulties caring for them in their new home - I was very upfront with them. I'm happy to answer questions about health, but unless they're here, that's all I can do. I don't feel guilty about it. It's unfortunate they removed themselves from the assistance I'd otherwise be able to give, but they're grown humans.

The in-laws - MIL, FIL, SIL - all have big expectations that don't meet our reality. MIL and FIL have caused us huge issues for years while also giving no support, even when their son/my husband had a life altering injury; we're both happy to only provide the assistance we're comfortable with, despite their expectations. SIL has lived overseas her entire adult life and limits their visitation, but also expects us to step up in ways we can't. Nah, she's welcome to sponsor them if she's not happy with what we're doing.

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takisara@reddit

Meh, i get left out of conversations. I get told if we want your help, we'll ask for it. Fill your boots!

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sageamericanidiot@reddit

I care, but I trust that they are adults that made an informed decision, just like I did when I was very clear that I will not be my parents caregiver.

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Infamous-Round-1898@reddit

Siblings who are “too far away” to help should be sending the sibling who IS helping money monthly as a way to be helpful and supportive, if nothing else. Also you can be the one the parent can call and vent to, or help with phone calls to sort out bills, etc…. There are lots of ways to be helpful remotely. Really sick of hearing about not-local siblings (usually men) who just shrug and let their sibling (usually women) take care of things.

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Wonderful-Werewolf-1@reddit

Dealing with this now. The too far away one won’t even call because the parent has dementia and repeats things too much. The sibling can’t stand it but I get to deal with it every day along with the tears because the sibling forgot the parent. It’s not fun for me at all and the sibling just says “I don’t know how you do it.” Yeah because I have a choice.

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Brackish_Fish@reddit

Completely understand. My sister and I took care of my my mother. Our brother decided he didn't need to because he has kids, and my sister's kids are grown and i don't have any, so we have less responsibility. My sister and I did everything, he couldn't even be bothered to call and check up on her. Would get mad at us for not updating him. He wouldn't even call one of us to ask about her. Blocked him after my mom died, don't plan on ever speaking to him again.

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nobody_smart@reddit

My brother left the Midwest for California 25 years ago and my parents have been financially supporting him ever since. My sister does Mom's grocery shopping, my sister's kids are paid to do yardwork and housecleaning. I do her home maintenance and repairs. My sister, wife and I take time off from work to take her to Dr appointments if she's not well enough to drive.

My brother? Yeah he does some online shopping for Mom and spends an hour on the phone with her every weekend. He's not reimbursing our time, costs and efforts.

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RockysDetail@reddit

Caregivers provide major services to families who don't get involved or don't want to completely change their lives by moving home to be caregivers themselves.

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SuccessfulPitch5@reddit

I am my mother's youngest child. Her and her husband live woth me and my husband. My brother is useless, doesn't drive in a remote community in Northern British Columbia. I moved to the kootenays in 2007 and my mom finally made the decision in 2021 to join me here. Best decision she's made. I send her once or twice a year by plane to see him and his children. Other than that we dont hear from him.

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ConnotationalRacket@reddit

My parents grew up and never questioned the dysfunction they were raised in. Then they perpetuated that pain, abuse, and dysfunction on me as the eldest. My youngest sister was the "golden child". She spent her whole life shitting on me just like they did -- telling me how stupid I was, telling me that I was at fault for our dad beating me and punching me, whatever. If I was only "smart" like her, none of this would be happening. Ironically she never understood that the only reason she was treated like gold was her birth order. Of course even the golden child will suffer. Nobody gets out of a dysfunctional family system unscathed.

Now that our parents are sick and frail, you know what? She can fucking take care of them. Every single holiday, every mother's day and father's day for my whole life have been filled with pain that I had to deal with parents and a spoiled brat of a little sister who mocked me and wanted to see me fail. She is too far up her own ass to understand that her alcoholic husband who treats her like shit is her own fault. Maybe someday she'll make it to therapy and figure it out. I hope OP does, too.

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SeXxyBuNnY21@reddit

I live in a far-away country, and my siblings live 5 minutes from my parents’ home. I try to visit them and help as much as possible, but with work and other obligations at home, I am not helping the way I would like to.

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Patient-01@reddit

She has the money I don’t

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JJQuantum@reddit

It depends on what you mean by “taking care of your parent” in my opinion. It’s up to all of us to save money throughout our working careers so that when we are older and need help getting around, with memory care issues or other medical issues, we can take care of it without burdening our kids. If your parents didn’t do that then it’s on them. I don’t have a ton of sympathy for people who spent their money frivolously, retired early or who chose to work less hours or in a lower paying career and now need other people to make up for it. Nope.

On the other hand, if it’s simply moving furniture around, helping mow the lawn, helping with technology, etc. then I’m 100% there. I’d think you’d want to see your parents on a regular basis because you love and like them, assuming they didn’t treat you like crap growing up.

All of this leads to your sibling(s). They certainly don’t have to believe the same way you do. If they want to have your parents move in with them so they can quit their job to take care of them full time that’s certainly their choice. I have no issue spelling them for a day or 2 every month but taking them on for weeks at a time or upending my life is not going to happen. That may sound cold but a child’s purpose is not to bathe and feed their parents on a daily basis for 3, 5 or 10 years. I’ve already told my sons that my wife and I have saved enough for them to not have to do that, but that I do expect them to visit regularly, and us to visit them.

Full disclosure, I did let my MIL live with us for the last ~9 years of her life. It wasn’t for her though. It was for my wife. The other choice would have been to let her go on welfare and I could see in my wife’s eyes that the guilt would tear her up. She and I both resented the hell out of her mom the entire time she was here, especially when she developed Alzheimer’s and would scream at me in the middle of the night, claiming I had stolen her baby. Eventually my 2 sons would just stay holed up in their rooms so they wouldn’t have to deal with her. That finally convinced my wife to put her in a state sponsored memory care facility for the last ~6 months of her life. It royally sucked.

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MichB1@reddit

My SIL insisted on all decision-making power, selected the care facility closest to her, has unquestioned access to funds and the direction of MIL's care. SIL is elitist, spoiled, and very critical controlling, and MIL is somehow worse.

They are very affluent and she never worked, and we struggle and work hard, and have younger children who need us. They had like four nannies at once.

Nothing we do will ever be enough. She sees us as inferior beings whose opinions aren't worth weighing. My terrific husband is a scapegoat, and I am a mud-person. So she doesn't get to decide how much we help.

There is no one formula for what happens or what's fair.

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Cinday6@reddit

My sister lives 15 min. from my parents and I am 45 min. away, so she is able to help them more. However I do things that I can remotely or I drive over and help.

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RitualHalatiik@reddit

I’m the oldest of three and I was mom’s sole caregiver for the past year (she died in March).

My brother lives across the country from me, so that’s a given. He helped in so many other ways, mostly financial so I wasn’t stressing about the money. And he was actively interested in what was happening.

Our little sister? She lives less than an hour away, but never once helped because she’s a bit of a narcissist. If it isn’t about her, she’s not interested. And we all knew that (including mom) so we didn’t even bother asking. In the end, it was better that way.

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belidat1@reddit

I had to have my mom move in with me. My brothers excuses are that they suck.

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Tx_Atheist@reddit

I don't need an excuse. I don't owe them anything...and more importantly, I don't want to.

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Amidormi@reddit

My dad said something when I was a kid saying i should have kids so when I get old I'll have someone to talk to. If he wasn't just such a terrible person he wouldn't only have his kids to talk to.

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Empty_Nestor@reddit

That sounds incredibly cold.

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annadownya@reddit

Children are not a retirement plan.

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Gavin_Tremlor@reddit

No one is suggesting that, but a family's members should care for each other, throughout their lives. Our culture has forgotten a basic tenant of familial/tribal structure. Until quite recently, multi-generational living spaces were the norm for nearly all cultures. I shudder to imagine anyone that would think it appropriate to leave the very young to fend for themselves the way we leave our elderly/disabled/very ill or infirm.

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Gavin_Tremlor@reddit

"fuck you got mine." - this guy

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Jellybeans74@reddit

I was adopted, my adopted father died when I was 11 and my adopted mother from then on treated me like I was a nuisance to her. She charged me rent once I turned 16, she did nothing to help me at all during my teenage years and kicked me out as soon as I graduated HS at 17. I was a good kid, and basically her and my much older siblings slave. I didn’t do a damn thing for her once I left that house and I don’t regret it one bit. So don’t talk to me about justifying it.

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PeakCityBling@reddit

The real answer is in all of the comments:

the only right answer is your answer

Do what you can, if you are able, if you want to, and be okay with not wanting to.

No one had the same childhood as you, the same parent, the same experience. You have your reasons, and for you - beyond any judgement from siblings.

You can apologize for their hurt, because that was not your intent. Acknowledge that it hurt them though - because that is real.

And if they ask you “why?” - don’t feel you have to. You can, if you want to, but again - you don’t have to explain protecting yourself from family that may have hurt you.

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omysweede@reddit

Totally all this

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2PlasticLobsters@reddit

Sometimes it's because the relationship was abusive, not just "complicated". If the sibling makes the choice to stay in contact with that parent, they do so knowing the consequence. A lot of the time, they were the favored child who got treated better. That makes them blind to how much suffering the abusive parent caused the other kid(s).

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omysweede@reddit

It is common with guilt trips in some families as a form of manipulation, and I refuse to play that game. My sister loves that game.

My sister bought a neighbouring house to my parents some 30+ years ago.

I moved abroad, and later settled in my hometown but a few miles away.

We are very different people. My parents brought me up to be self reliant, live my own life and respect people's privacy. My sister was over there almost every single day and also wanted to move my parents in with her in a big house so she could take care of them.

I love my parents, but it goes against every fibre of my being to infantalize them. They are grown ass adults, with wants and needs. After mum's passing I help and assist when I can, but my sister has taken on herself to move dad in with her.

I cannot do that. I know my limits. I also refuse to be shamed for not trying to compete in "making sacrifices". "Screw that bullshit" as my mum used to say.

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Soundtracklover72@reddit

My father died in 2023 and within a year mom’s dementia had worsened. She was lonely at home but insisted she was ok. My brother, husband and I finally decided she was not. We eventually moved her into memory care in late 2024. She hated it at first but she’s adjusted. She’s safe, fed, medicated, and interacts with people all day.

My brother lives about 8 hours away. I’m 30 minutes away. We split the money duties for taking care of her and we were all involved in cleaning out the 2700 storage place that was her house :). Finally getting it sold next month will be a relief.

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tossitintheroundfile@reddit

I live seven timezones away. Sister chose deliberately to live down the street. She has taken advantage of free child care from grandma and grandpa and plenty of other “help” for years. Nobody is bitter about the arrangement- it works for them.

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aurelianwasrobbed@reddit

That’s exactly my situation too.

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fungible_work_unit@reddit

🤖

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Sea-Bill78@reddit

I live far far away. My siblings - not just one, take care of my parents. I should add that, my parents took care of my other siblings kids and helped them raise their children. I had no help. So we are all content with the arrangement.

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Amidormi@reddit

Easy, my brother and sister live 15 minutes or less, from my dad. I live 1.5 hours away. We've all been this distance for 25 years, it's not a shock.

My dad has very rudely declined assistance I can offer like managing his finances, keeping track of doctors visits, or cleaning his house. He also insults our choice of state to live in, and insults my husband AND my in-laws. So, I'm pretty limited.

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aurelianwasrobbed@reddit

I feel like you are the put upon sibling here and I’m sorry. I’m an only child with 3 parents (one step). I’m all of them’s only child. I enlist my spouse to help. He has one parent left alive and two siblings who are both on that coast whereas my family is all on the opposite coast. No one minds I hope.

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Maleficent_Pay_4154@reddit

I live a long way away and haven’t been home in 15 years

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DPax_23@reddit

Couldn't care less what happens to any of my relatives who definitely don't have my address or phone number. None of em.

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beach_minion_78@reddit

My sister in law used her anxiety and work, she works from home and lived a few minutes away from my mother in law. So my husband and I took time off work and drove to the state they lived in to take care of my mother in law in her final days. We did offer several times for her to come live with us but it was too cold in the winter for here where we live. I only wished my sister in law would come and give us more breaks as we were 24/7. We usually had to ask and that always bothered me.

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Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit

I'm a strange from them all, and no I don't give a fucking shit about my sister and her burdens.

She wanted to be the favorite, and she wanted to join them in abusing me, so she can enjoy her rewards.

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CompanySerious626@reddit

When my mom got sick it emphasized how my siblings have always treated me and what they thought of me (like how anything I did for her was, in their opinion, wrong, not enough, a waste of time) and after she died it became clear that she was the only one in my family I had a real relationship with (not perfect but the best I could get), and the rest were like pfffffft who cares…

Then I had major surgery (like overnights in the hospital major) and dad never called to see how I was for the weeks I was in bed recuperating. The sibs did nothing… until they gave me shit for “not doing enough for dad.” Refused to believe he never checked on me, sent no flowers, NOTHING… because he would always go overboard with them.

Let’s just say I do my part and ONLY my part. I’m not here to help THEM. My dad is old and needs care and I’m willing to help… but the sibs can go eff themselves.

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llamadogmama@reddit

I see your narcissistic family and feel for you. Same except it's my Mom.

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ideapit@reddit

My brother wants to use my mother because she has a house and he is broke so he stays there.

She was emotionally and physically abusive. My father too. So I don't really feel bound to do anything but what is ok for me to do in a healthy way with boundaries.

A parent is supposed to take care of a child. They didn't. They broke that contract. And it wasn't just neglect. That was the tip of the iceberg.

So I don't feel any responsibility to take care of them unless it's for my own reasons.

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MioMine78@reddit

This is me to a T.

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Lighteningbug1971@reddit

I took care of my mom , I am the youngest and I have 3 older siblings . I quit my job and my husband fully supported us and I have no regrets . She died 6 years ago . They can’t get past her death . I am doing much better mentally and emotionally about it. This went on for 20 years . We sacrificed a lot , they went on with their lives and vacations and I did not . I have no savings and am old and tired now. But not old really. But I was never her “favorite “ but she did tell me she appreciated everything I had done for her about a month before she died. She said if I had not taken care of her she would have been put in a home and forgotten about by the others . True .

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randombarbs@reddit

wow! you're a better person than i would be

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Lighteningbug1971@reddit

Thank you for saying that .

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Bulky_Document_7877@reddit

At one point my mom & fil lived with us so we could take care of them. They both had age related health issues and both were in the beginning stages of dementia & Alzheimer's.

We had 3 very young kids. My mom always lived with one of her kids once our dad passed & she sold their home.

One day she went for a weekend visit with my older sibling, it was a usual thing, she spent time with whoever, whenever. We loved it.

Anyway she didn't come home. Turns out my sister and her thought it best she stayed with her from then on. I was devastated, hurt and mad. I was being selfish because I loved living with her, our kids loved it, my husband loved it. Even my fil.

They both had someone to talk to about the old days, could speak in Spanish to each other when they felt like it bc we were all English only. They were friends from before I was born, grew up in the same city, knew the same people, until my parents moved and bought a home in another city.

Anyway. I had 3 little kids, 2 in elem school & a toddler. Worked full time in hosp admin. And 2 not healthy parents to care for.

It was for the best that lived with my sister and her family. I couldn't see it at the time. But then she would come visit us for the weekend.

It's a lot of work for one person. And we were very fortunate that there were a few of us willing to step up to "help" with our mom. We WANTED to. And it was an honor and we all miss her so much.

When a parent has health issues, there are many appointments, sometimes 911 calls leading to ER visits. Giving medicine, checking meds. Specialists, therapy...

I get some don't have ideal relationships with their parents and don't begrudge anyone not helping, I was lucky that wasn't the case for us.

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ResoluteMuse@reddit

“How do you justify it”

I don’t justify myself to judgemental people.

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SpicyRitas@reddit

You get all the awards if I could!

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MaudieLebowski@reddit

I live in Miami and my mother is in Montana. I found out that my brother who lives at home was neglecting her so I booted him out and sold the house. I pay $4,400 a month for memory care. She is finally in a safe place and actually being cared for.

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WimpyZombie@reddit

Actually, we've all put in some effort - except my brother. I have 2 sisters and a brother - I am the youngest. One sister lives about 1500 miles away from the rest of us. Parents have been divorced since the 80s (surprise!)

Mom lived with one sister for several years after being diagnosed with lung cancer. After a few years she finally got a place in some senior apartments, and about a week after she moved in was told the cancer came back and was inoperable. So we got her hospice and I lived with her for those last 4 months.

Three years ago, Dad and my stepmother split up and he (79 at the time) didn't want to be alone, so he moved in with me. Lived with me for over a year, then sister who is furthest found an independent living/ nursing facility closer to her, so he is supported, but she visits him regularly.

ee

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epicsmd@reddit

My parents are starting the decline, I live with them and want to move out but I put that on hold because they’ll need me in the coming years. My brother lives one street over and we don’t see him much but when he shows up they are super excited to spend time with him. I will say though if he’s needed he’ll be here. I am not the favorite, they’ve made that perfectly clear but I don’t care, I will be here to take care of them.

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sysaphiswaits@reddit

I raised my siblings and I told my parents repeatedly from 16-20 I already put in my time, and I wasn’t giving up anything else to accommodate their family.

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OverthinkingWanderer@reddit

My sister is a spoiled see you next Tuesday who will start a fight over breathing differently.

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rockarolla78@reddit

My mom moved to my town after I convinced her that she and my step dad would need to be close to family as they got older. At the time my brother who lived closest to them was on drugs and in a real bad way. My other brother lived farther and my mom has never been too fond of his wife. I’ve never had a great relationship with my mom but my husband and I cared for his parents and always assumed we’d do the same for mine. Long story short relationship wasn’t good after they moved here and eventually my brother was homeless and likely close to death so we moved him in with my mom who has always felt guilty for his issues. Now they are besties and I help when they need me or ask, we live 15 min apart. But they have both been assholes to my family so we keep our distance.

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FansBlowing2@reddit

Not all parents have won the love of their children. There are some pretty shitty parents out there and they deserve to be alone.

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lindalouwhodoyou@reddit

Great question. Here's my perspective from the other side.

I have two older sibs, both live less than a 2 hour plane ride. They have the money and the time. One was retired during the last few years before mom died. The other's children were in college and she worked a government job where she got a fair amount of time off.

The older, retired one came in December three years ago and stayed for a day and a half on a weekend. She was supposed to be there for three days so I could have a few days off. Instead she left early.

When mom changed her will to leave me a little more money to compensate me for all the time I spent helping her (getting her up in the morning / cooking dinner / taking care of all her needs with health care workers helping during the day while I worked/lived a couple doors down, they cut her off. For about 2.5 years they refused to call/text/facetime with her. And ignored her or blocked her when she tried to reach out to them. It was sad to watch. When she died they refused to call me to acknowledge my voicemail. They all blamed me, accused me of stealing, etc. Nothing further from the truth. I was the only one that was willing to help an 88+ yo little lady with a broken hip.

As the primary caregiver, helping mom over the last 15 years and all through COVID, I would have appreciated a couple weekends off here and there. I would have appreciated them just accepting mom had mental health issues but staying in touch with her.

I didn't care what their excuse was. She was their mother first, before me. They had the time/money. Mom wasn't the most fun to be around, but a couple days maybe every other year, etc. would have helped me. What they did when she got closer to the end of her life I'll never forget because it was so cruel. Them saying they didn't want to talk to her any more because she's leaving me a few more dollars was hypocritical. If you want mom's money, come and help her.

If you're one of those siblings who has every excuse, just remember one thing. The parent gave you life. You wouldn't be here except for your parents. Good or bad childhood, (except for sexual abuse in my books) now that you're old enough to have children, think about how it would feel if your children did it to you, what you're doing to your parent - not being there for them. When you help someone else, show love to someone who may or may not have shown love to you, good things come back your way.

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ThisIsAllTheoretical@reddit

I’m the only kid who was willing, but if anyone else would, I’d walk away too. I’d pay a trustworthy non-family member if I could find one. If she weren’t clearly mentally ill, I’d be okay never seeing her again. No one is obligated to do this. It is always a choice.

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Professional-Ad2849@reddit

I did all the care giving to my father when he was placed in a retirement home and the a long term care facility. My sister would have helped but she lives in a different province - a 4.5hr flight + 2.5 hour drive away. I was a 2.5hr drive away so it landed on me. All the dealing with nurses, meds, bills, care plan - all on me. The only time I really freaked out and lost it on her was one Xmas when I was sitting in a retirement home and she was enjoying her holiday. She always said that she could never get time off work for Xmas. Then when she DID get time off work she chose to stay out west vs coming home to help me shoulder the burden. Needless to say she was home the following Christmas- which also ended up being the last Christmas.

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Lost-alone-@reddit

My sister is 13 years older than me and lived 2 blocks away from parents. She was also being paid to look after them and was an empty nester and married. I was a single parent and still had kids at home and lived an hour away. Logistics first, semi estrangement second.

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MeLlamoMariaLuisa@reddit

Not the favorite

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Illustrious_Leg_2537@reddit

This. If you favor one kid over the other, don’t get pissy when the black sheep isn’t sitting around asking to help. Or if you were the favorite and your parents enabled your bullshit, don’t get mad your siblings let you take on the bulk of the elder care.

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CornwallBingo@reddit

And if you were the favorite, you might not have realized it as a child. It's not your fault. Your siblings definitely noticed, even if you did not. your parents gave you more resources, affection and attention. You are likely still closest with your parents. Your siblings will not be enticed to the inner circle once there's a bunch of time consuming, expensive tasks to take care of.

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Due_Fig_8655@reddit

This!

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tc_cad@reddit

I was the one to take care of my Mom. Neither of my sisters helped. My youngest sister was/is a 7 hour drive away, so she has an excuse. My other sister went No Contact for the last 15 years and wasn’t going to help. So it was me by default. But really before things got bad, I was the only one that would see my Mom monthly so I was helping her with stuff for a long time anyways.

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Lovely_catastrophes@reddit

I’m the oldest. It’s the role in which I feel the most pride and the most reward, so since our mother was terrible to all of us I’m happy to take this on and continue to protect them even though we’re all grown.

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Mockingbird_1234@reddit

❤️

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Taco_cat111@reddit

I live 2500 miles away.

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TwistedMemories@reddit

My eldest brother is divorced and he had promised our mother that when her husband died, he’d move in and care for her. It’s been 3 or 4 years since then and he’s moved in. He sells jewelry he crafts and will attend craft shows now and then.

My eldest sister will spend the weekend with her if he’s planning to stay for a long weekend.

I go over every Sunday and take her a meal to make sure she’s eating. He does feed her, but I still like to take her something.

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Infamous-Round-1898@reddit

Sounds like you and your sibs are doing a great job for you parent and one another!

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FILLMYHEAD@reddit

I live in a different state. I feel tremendous guilt over it but am I to uproot my entire life and move back to my home state? I’m open to ways to help from 600 miles away

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Infamous-Round-1898@reddit

Send money, do virtual visits and take some pressure off your sibling, help sort out paperwork - lots of stuff you could do over zoom or on the phone.

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mis_1022@reddit

My husband is the only son, the three others are daughters so yes he gets a big pass on almost everything.

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Infamous-Round-1898@reddit

That’s gross, I couldn’t respect my husband if he behaved that way.

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LastOneSergeant@reddit

Oh this is a good one.

There are a lot of boomers right now at the end looking back down at a string of neglected Gen X children and step-children wondering if they are about to become "latch-key" geriatrics.

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Kiwiatx@reddit

“Latch-key geriatrics” !!!

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Ok_Garden571@reddit

I was the one who did everything. The rest of them are disabled and have their own health problems.

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annadownya@reddit

I used to throw myself over my siblings bodies and take beatings for them as a kid. I didn't report the sexual abuse by a non family member so the asshole wouldn't go after them. I sacrificed my entire childhood to protect them and keep them as safe as possible. All this to say i did a lot for my siblings and am now estranged from my family. If they want to take care of our parents they can, but I am under no obligation anymore.

Abuse happens. If someone doesn't want to take care of their abuser they can back out. If you are OK with taking care of abusers, go nuts, but you can't guilt them into doing it with you. I would never force my siblings to stop taking care of abusers but I absolutely judge them for it.

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No-Meringue5009@reddit

Meh. Not my problem.

Already told my older sister and her husband. They don't have to either, but they want to be "the perfect family" so it's their choice/fault. I've already told my older sister, that's it's her choice - although she's dumb for doing it, despite their horrible relationship with our mom other, to never complain about her to me. Don't come crying to me for sympathy. Run to your now family - your husband about his mil.

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rick43402@reddit

Just the opposite for me, my sister was an alcoholic.

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Practical_Wind_1917@reddit

I live 8 hrs away my brother and sister in law live in her town.

We have set up everything for when she needs to go into assisted living. Pre paid and set.

I also get to be the one to take her car and keys away when she shouldn’t be driving anymore. Both of my brothers are too much of mama’s boys and can’t do it.

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Boosba@reddit

If you decided to take this role against your sibling’s wishes (they pushed for nursing home, etc), that is on you. You cannot be angry at them for not making your choices.

And “complicated relationships” can mean petty fights or it could mean the parents were neglectful, abusive.

All that said, we have already offered to let my in laws stay with us if they ever need or want to, but their wishes are to stay at specific nursing homes. We pushed them to do living wills as well, so now there’s no doubts at all what their wishes are before and after death.

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Adorable-Radish577@reddit

I'm the one helping both of my divorced parents. My sister lives in the same town, but both brothers are in different states. It is all on me I guess.

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really4got@reddit

My mom isn’t at a point she needs a lot of help. I’ve set boundaries on how often, how much I’m willing to deal with. My kids and I lived with her for several years when they were younger, after I moved out more of her … shenanigans… fell on my brother to deal with and now, he gets it . My dad is older but both he and his wife are doing fairly well they don’t ask or expect me to do a lot and I have a stepsister who lives much closer who’s able to keep an eye out. They are a lot more financially stable than my mom and it shows and I’ll do what I can to help if they need it but it’s a much less complicated relationship

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BTTN8TR511@reddit

My mother is paying my brother’s family to care for her. So I don’t feel too bad about it.

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IndependentlyGreen@reddit

I don't have siblings to help its just me.

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FloridaWildflowerz@reddit

1000 miles away. My mom came to stay with me for for several months at a time for a few years. When she was unable to travel I went and stayed with her so the primary sibling could go away. Once she was in a nursing home I went several times . I have no issue stepping up and doing whatever possible to support t the one that does the majority of the caregiving.

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Extra-Sound-1714@reddit

My partner refused to help care for father. My partner was always treated as the forgotten sibling, like literally not invited to family events. It's all because my partner has a disability and so is not as good looking as siblings in fathers eyes.

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Empty_Nestor@reddit

Yikes.

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gingerthetrailpup@reddit

Maybe because my mother stole my trust fund from my grandparents (we were upper middle class). Maybe because she made it all about her when I was going thru 5 brain tumor surgeries (she had to be physically removed from the hospital by security). Maybe because I was abused as a child. Maybe because I knew from the time I could understand that I would not get anything in the will (yes 100% of my parents estate is going to my brother). I do not owe my parent (mother) anything. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

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prayingforrain2525@reddit

Not harsh at all. Not even close.

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lifesabeeechnut@reddit

I moved into a new house big enough for my parents to be comfortable and moved them in. They were starting to fall more and moms in a wheelchair, dad falls a lot and isn’t careful. I’m the youngest, my middle sibling helps a bunch. My oldest has every excuse not to! I do the daily stuff before and after work but even tho the oldest doesn’t work they can never find time to help, stop over and chat, run them to an appointment here and there. Nothing. Always has an excuse. My parents still defend her even though I voice my opinions on her shit. Her constant Facebook posts with friends and from friends oh you’re so great for helping me with blah blah blah. I just want to comment and tell all her great friends how much she helps her family. She always shows up on birthday or with grand kids when she expects something though. BUT I get to have dinner with my parents every night and say good morning every day. I’ll take that! Sometimes I get frustrated but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. If you read this far thanks I feel heard! :)

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Odd_Policy_3009@reddit

Ugh that sounds like my husband’s siblings. He is the oldest and helps his mom and his sister is the youngest and helps.

His brother the middle child does absolutely nothing, doesn’t work, and has every excuse in the book why he can’t.

It sucks and I’m sorry

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XXOO1960@reddit

My sister helped our mother for several years. She lived two doors down. I lived 500 miles away. The guilt I felt during that time and since mom’s passing is nearly unbearable. I did go stay with mom when my sister when on vacations.

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wendilw@reddit

One of my siblings died, the other lives in New Zealand.

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omg_get_outta_here@reddit

I live across the country and my relationship with my parents has always been very strained. My siblings needed more help growing up (bailing out, rehab, rent money, etc). I understood and I never resented that, but my life was increasingly more difficult because I never had the luxury of having help. I was even homeless for a while. My siblings are sober now and I’m finally stable. Granted, I still have extreme ptsd. Being away from my family is all I can do to. My siblings live near my parents anyway.

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Capital-Cheesecake67@reddit

I live over a thousand miles away. My siblings know to let me know if they need me to help with monetary expenses.

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Disruptorpistol@reddit

I was in this situation and it sucked. They didn’t need money so all I could do was fly back often. I still feel guilty about all my sibling had to shoulder.

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Girl_with_no_Swag@reddit

No one is helping SIL because MIL doesn’t need care yet and SIL creating problems that don’t exist.

Yes, MIL is recently widowed, and that does suck, but it’s a process. My mom went through it too, so BTDT. But NO, the 4 kids and their spouses (8 adults total) are NOT agreeing to a schedule to spend every 8th week year-round flying into town to live with her so she’s not “alone”. I’m not going to be “deployed” away from my spouse and kids (and neither will my husband) to be my MIL’s roommate.

MIL doesn’t even want that. She does want her daughter to move in with her, but it’s a want, not a need, and SIL needs to set boundaries and not demand her brothers and their spouses absorb that expectation onto themselves and kowtow to it.

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LastCookie3448@reddit

That is insane.

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Girl_with_no_Swag@reddit

Yes she is. She’s the only child of MIL and step-FIL. 3 half brothers are all 16-20 years older than her. Because of a nasty divorce plus immigration reasons (and through no fault of MIL), the boys were separated from their mother at the ages of 4, 7, & 8 and were not able to see her again until they were 18. The daughter of the second marriage was both spoiled and cherished/overly protected due to PTSD on behalf from MIL, but it’s also very toxic and co-dependent, whereas the boys are probably overly-independent.

Let’s just say, expectations differ.

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Kind-Limit4462@reddit

My younger sister has simply taken over. I have a bit of a complicated relationship with them but now that they’re both almost 86 y/o and clearly not managing well in their home I am very willing and able to help.

I live closer to my parents, offer to help (they are currently trying to get rid of much their “stuff” so can move to assisted living), do everything I can to stay in contact but my parents seem to prefer to keep me at arms length. Which makes me kinda sad.

My sister’s life and persona look better from the outside…she has more money/resources, has never been divorced (I have but am re-married and have been with the same now for almost 22years) and plays the role of good person but to me she is someone who smiles to my face while stabbing me in the back.

For example, my mom was in the hospital last week and I drove my dad to the hospital and visited with my mom (I am almost done with nursing school so I also helped my mom to and from the commode and cleaned her bottom) and the next morning I found out that my dad and my sister were going to meet with the doctor to talk about my mom’s possible discharge and they weren’t going to tell me…omg, what?

Sorry for such a long post but I’m so sad right now because I am not perfect but I am a good, kind and loving person and would love to “give back” by helping take care of parents but my sister has taken over and information is being kept from me and I am so very hurt. I guess maybe it’s best if I just step away but it feels unjust. 😞

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LastCookie3448@reddit

Remember the scene in Legally Blonde when Elle looks are Werner and it clicks: nothing I do is ever going to be good enough (even tho she’d surpassed him)….

It’s not a you problem, it’s their problem.

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Kind-Limit4462@reddit

Thank you so much…your visual (movie scene) illustration and comment are very helpful 🥹🙏🏻✨

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YogurtclosetVast3118@reddit

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.

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Crisp_white_linen@reddit

I find the question you framed obnoxious. Maybe you could pause for a moment and imagine that not everyone was treated kindly by their parents and siblings, and that some of us have extricated ourselves from toxic situations. If my parents wanted me to be available to them as an old-age plan, they should not have been abusive, played favorites, or acted like I was replaceable when I was a kid and into my young adulthood. And my siblings should not have made themselves into an in-group where I was the outsider. They wanted it this way, now they can enjoy what they have wrought.

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Komaisnotsalty@reddit

gif

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Dry-Aside4526@reddit

Yes.

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holdaydogs@reddit

Amen.

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nonprofitpro007@reddit

The only honest reason is the uninvolved sibling doesn't care about their future relationship with their sibling(s). My advice to the non-caregiving sibling(s): Make life less about you, and even less about your feelings about your parent (if they're negative). Make it about your care for your siblings. You won't regret it.

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sorrymizzjackson@reddit

lol, that’s not always true. I very much regret having anything to do with my sister.

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Needmoreinfo100@reddit

Just went through this. I lived the closest so it was left to me even though I was going through my own health issues. The one who lived close enough to help just didn't have the mental stamina to help much, I'm not sure what the other one who lived further away was thinking. I never would have thought it would have ended up like this since the one who did nothing was always the one who talked about being there for family. It nearly killed me but I survived with a little PTSD along with the grief of losing my parent.

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RebelCoven3455@reddit

I went no contact with my narcissistic mother 15 years ago. My mother remains toxic, tries to continue gaslighting me through other family members, etc. I'm 11 years older than my half-sister and was out of the house by 17. My half-sister was so still so young that we didn't really grow up together. I have no hard feelings towards her and will happily say hi and catch up if we see each other at a large family gathering, but we just don't really feel like siblings. My mother has always treated my half-sister like the golden child and they have a semi-close relationship, so that golden child can deal with her. I also live in a different country now with a huge ocean between us. Hard pass and I don't feel guilty about it. Sometimes you need to choose your own health and happiness.

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LastCookie3448@reddit

Thank you! We could be twins. I’m 15 years older than my half-sister and we’ve nothing in common except mom’s DNA. They’re ridiculously codependent and I’m keeping waaaaay tf over here & far from that insanity.

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pmbpro@reddit

Are you me?

Except I grew up as an only girl in a house packed with brothers, step brothers, step father and a son-worshipping mother. I was expected to do EVERYTHING. I was basically parentified, growing up, serving everyone else.

I was so glad to get the hell out of there when I started University. Moved out and never looked back. I’d gone NC on her the same years as you and I told her exactly why. She was in perfect health then, so they can’t accuse me of abandoning her ‘while she’s sick’ or whatever. She tried using other relatives to get to me, but I had blocked them ALL. Even saving her life many years ago wasn’t good enough for her (she wouldn’t have even been alive to enjoy her grandsons to this day). I was still treated like shyt. She was so loyal to her do-nothing ‘golden boy’ sons, they can ‘reward’ her loyalty/defending their bad behaviour by taking care of her now.

I’d already bet they’d get their girlfriends to look after her.

I’d already sacrificed enough for them in life and nearly died doing it. I have no regrets about my decision and the low-stress life I’m living now.

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Abooziyaya@reddit

All my siblings are retired with pensions and supplementary income. I’m still working a full time job and two side hustles.

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sorrymizzjackson@reddit

Because I live 8 hours away and am the breadwinner in my household. I can’t quit my job. They have the money to cover whatever is needed. I don’t.

Oh, and no one told me for 6 months that she’d been in the hospital and nearly died multiple times.

🤷‍♀️

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More_Bluejay9938@reddit

Since my folks basically moved across the country to be closer to me and my kids, I have no issue helping however it’s needed when that time comes. They have always, and I mean ALWAYS, been amazing. My brother lives 1200 miles away.

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pdxgreengrrl@reddit

I live 3000 miles from my parents and brother. My father and brother were neglectful, dismissive caregivers to my mom (like, my brother dismissed Mom's complaints about foot pain because one of her doctors said that people with Parkinson's experience "phantom pain", my dad just left her in front of the TV all day) and if I could have, I would have brought her to live with me, where she would have been cared for better than my brother's dog.

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VacationBackground43@reddit

Even if you have a complicated relationship with your parent, do you care about your sibling’s wellbeing at all?

This situation does not apply to me, but in a toxic family, one sibling deciding to take the burden on does not require other siblings to martyr themselves too.

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dreamsif@reddit

1000% This!

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lisanstan@reddit

My mom died in 2019 at 75. She lived 1500 miles away. I did what I could, but she refused to move here and I had my own family/job here. She refused help, checked herself out of rehab I found for her to recover. There was nothing I could do. She died on her bedroom floor from cirrhosis. She lived in the place we moved to in 1980. We had no family in the area. Her last remaining family (brother) moved in with her about 10 years ago, so I had to take him in when she died. He's going to be 80, and I'm getting him into the veterans home here, hopefully before he's unable to care for himself. This is a man I had last seen in 1980, so essentially a stranger.

My dad also lives 1500 miles away (opposite coast) and will be 86 this year. Medically he's doing horribly, but lives at home with my druggie stepsister. I had not seen him since 1980 until 2023, when my husband pushed me to visit (he's never met my dad). Everyone (brother, stepsisters) wanted me to "fix it". I did what I could, dad doesn't want help. Husband finally got why I didn't have a relationship. Everyone thinks they are going to get major money when dad dies (owns home in Los Angeles). I've explained any profit from home sales is going to get eaten up by reverse mortgage and hoarder house clean up.

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illpoet@reddit

Ugh, my dad is really struggling but my stepmother has total control over his life and she sucks. My sister is willing to take my dad in but not my stepmother which given how my sis was treated growing up I can't really blame her. The prospect of having to live with my stepmother again is beyond terrifying for my poor sister. I don't have a great excuse other than I'm poor

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Margotkitty@reddit

Had this same problem. My dad’s wife called all the shots and was insane. Like actually crazy. He alienated all of us by never standing up for us or prioritizing us. She spent every cent he had. Then dumped him in a care facility. There’s a lot of stories in the middle I’m skipping, but he folded so many times we all washed our hands of him. He’s in the home now alone. Every time I feel guilty about that I remember the times he always chose her when he could, and I put down the phone.

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Feefifiddlyeyeoh@reddit

My siblings are grown ups, fully capable of making choices for themselves. I’m not obliged to support those choices. That doesn’t require justification.

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Ymisoqt420@reddit

Since my dad treats his stepdaughters more like family, and can make so many FB posts about them, I'm sure they will take care of him, their mom, and their dad. Sucks to have their hands full like that darnit lol

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LastCookie3448@reddit

gif

Shame indeed.

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mizz_eponine@reddit

When my parents became ill and needing extra care I was working full-time and a single parent. During most of that time I was living out of state. Neither of my sisters were working, had kids, or spouses. Both lived very near my parents. I was there when I could be. That's not just an excuse, it was my reality. And... when I did live near my parents and my siblings did not, I did plenty.

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citruscoloredrainbow@reddit

I’m an only child. Cared for my mom, the best patient ever, until she passed. I’m currently, sitting in the hospital with my dad, the worst patient ever. I’ve always looked at it this way, I’m lucky that I don’t have to be angry and resent a sibling that doesn’t help. It’s all on me and that’s ok.

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IDMike2008@reddit

I feel you. My husband is an only child too. It's a mixed blessing for sure. In our case, his dad has Alzheimer's and it's really nice to know we can make whatever decisions are necessary without having a big family debate about everything.

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citruscoloredrainbow@reddit

Oh for sure! That part, too! Nobody to fight with over decisions. What a blessing.

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dreamsif@reddit

Nobody should ever do something out of obligation. It breeds resentment. Its unhealthy for everyone involved. Either you want to help and are in the position to do so... or you don't want to/ cant. And nobody deserves excuses. People are allowed to create boundaries in their lives, even if others don't understand them.

That being said...My brother took care of my dad cuz he was closer geographically and in a position to do do. He was self employed, single, and financially secure. I lived across the country, was in a new marriage, and carreer was just starting to take off. My brother also wanted to help.

Now, I am taking care of my mom. My marriage is over. I had the money to relocate and take time off work. My brothers job is in a place where he can't leave. And I wanted to help. Thats the key... feeling a desire vs obligation. You cannot force desire to help on others.

This might sound cold, but we are all adults, including our parents. They have had lots of time to prepare for old age. I know seeing my father decline kicked my butt into gear to make sure I am prepared (i have no children to help me). I guarantee your parents dont want anyone helping that doesn’t want to be there... or for them to put their own lives on hold if they are in a difficult place.

If you, as a caretaker, feel overwhelmed, there are people to help. When my mom took care of my stepfather, she had a person come to house for a couple hours a week to give her a break (paid for by medicare). There are solutions beyond forced obligation.

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swa_daddy@reddit

Opposite take on this as the care giver here is my take. Me (Baby Brother) and my older sister took care of our mother when she had terminal cancer. Our two older brothers didn't do anything. One was a mentally ill Drug addicted man child and the other was a lawyer that was estranged from our family by choice. Our Father didn't do much either and he was mentally and physically capable, so much for being married to the same woman for 44 years 🤬

When Mom was dying the loser brother actually stole her pain medication and did actually nothing but years later said he took care of our mother when she was ill.....That never happened. The lawyer had a year and a half to make peace with her. We reached out multiple times but he never made amend before she died.

There's always multiple sides to the story. The truth lies somewhere in the middle, but the ones that don't do much or anything sometimes create their own narrative later on.

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MedievalHag@reddit

I lived 500 miles away. Sister lives 300 miles away. Brother lived 4 miles away.

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liand22@reddit

My sister strong-armed my retired parents into selling their 2000 sf home on almost half an acre and leaving all of their friends to move 200 miles to her overpriced suburb, into a tiny 1000sf duplex (all they could afford) to be free day care for her then-infant. My parents wound up babysitting for 12 hour days for free for ten years, until my dad’s dementia meant he couldn’t live at home any longer.

My sister got laid off and now just sponges off of her husband and now that mom isn’t doing great, SHE gets to deal with that. I’m on the east coast and work full time and have my own life, guilt free. Sister got ten years of free daycare, she can provide it now.

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AmPerry32@reddit

My mother has gifted her youngest two children countless cars, zero turn mowers, house down payments, paid for lawyers for each several times. With that huge investment, I’d say she has secured her living arrangements in old age. I do not feel any kind of way about my choices at all.

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FataMorganaForReal@reddit

I cared for my dad with dementia, took him to all of his Dr's appointments. Took him out to eat and shopping. Did all of the things.

Now it's my brother's turn to take care of our mother. She doesn't have dementia, she's just mean. He deserves it.

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smallwonder25@reddit

Good plan. A+

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CK1277@reddit

My husband’s brother didn’t even bother giving an excuse, he just didn’t help.

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ProfessorExcellence@reddit

Lived on the opposite side of the country and the brother that dis most of the work never left home. No rent or board his entire life. His problem now is I will also add that parents should plan for their future, not depend on their kids. That’s what we are doing.

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Andyman1973@reddit

Dad was in the Army for 24 years,(‘68-‘92), his father died in ‘74. Dad’s younger brothers did physical work around the home for their mom, and even built her a fully enclosed porch. Dad paid for the materials. Dad’s older sister was an accountant, so she did the taxes for their mom, and her financial planning(while handling her own husband’s chrinic kidney failure. Don’t know what dad’s 2 younger sisters did. One lived 12hrs away, by car. The other lived locally. Over all the years Dad was in the Army, he sent his mom $$$ every month, to pay for cable tv, central air(she had it, dad gave her money to pay the electric for running it), as well as general spending money too. Their mom worked in a garment factory for many years, but there was no retirement from that. He also paid for any and all car services too.

When Dad retired, and moved back home, he bought her a replacement car when her ‘72 Beatle wore out. He did many other things for her as well. She died in 2000, 26 years after grandpa. The family slowly drifted apart after the matriarch passed.

Me, I visit my folks the most. Have for the last 15 years. I live an hour away. Younger bro lives about 10 minutes, but doesn’t see them much at all. Twin bro lives 4hrs away, but comes out for a weekend stay, once a month.

Financially, they are doing almost as well as all three of their kids combined. Which I am super grateful for, as we don’t have to worry about their finances.

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IDMike2008@reddit

I'm on the other side - Our mom lives with us. My brother lives halfway across the country.

I know if he were close enough he'd be as helpful as possible. We are in much better shape financially than his family is. He loves our mom as much as I do.

I don't expect him to move out here, I'm not moving back there. I don't expect or want him to risk his financial stability to contribute financially just because it would be "fair".

What I'm getting at, is people make a lot of assumptions about other people's family situations. Don't assume what you think is fair or how things should be is what works for someone else. Suggesting they don't care about their siblings or their parents is really over the top.

Sort out your problems with your own family. Don't project your issues on others.

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TennesseeHeartbreak@reddit

I'm (62m) the middle child. My younger sis (55f) cared for my dad until he passed, and older sis (64f) does and will care for Mom and step dad (87) until they pass. I told them I couldn't help with the folks, (distance, etc) but that I'd be there for them emotionally. And they accepted it. I gave up my half of a 35k inheritance to the sister that cared for dad, and will give up part of whatever I'm due to the other sis. Everyone seems cool with that.

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LastCookie3448@reddit

We did the same with my SIL when my FIL was aging, eventually passed due to atypical Parkinson’s. She was his favorite, he wanted to be with her, she stepped up when the rest of us were all over the country, we gladly forfeit our “inheritance” for his care.

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HoneyWyne@reddit

They live 800 miles away in Ohio of all places and my mom has gone full-on no contact with everyone but the two siblings who live in her city.

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thats0Ktoo@reddit

Well, I’m the one that did the caregiving and everything after that. My sibling lived in the same town and I was an hour away. I was closer to my mom, and they had a complicated relationship. It just was what it was. I didn’t really fault my sibling for it because I just didn’t see it going any other way.

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Anon_Gen_X@reddit

Most of us, generally speaking, don't have great parents. If you want to know if you have good parents, just look at what kind of grandparents they are. My parents don't live very far away from me at all (30 minute drive) and they see their grandchildren about three times a year.

I think for most of Gen x, we feel like our parents raised us out of obligation not out of 'want' or 'love'. My parents are in their mid-70s, and my sister and I will probably share the duties when thatWhen that time, but we'll probably show them the same type of obligation that they showed us.

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LastCookie3448@reddit

So freaking accurate it hurts. My mom is an absolute shit grandparent to my kids. That was the catalyst to going no contact, yanking my kids around is a hard no for me.

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MNVixen@reddit

Mom passed about 10 years before Dad did. So me and my two siblings took on different roles to support our dad. Brother checked in on him and the cat every day after work. (I honestly think my brother checked in on the cat more than on Dad.) My sister - who lives 2 hours away - would come and stay with Dad for a couple hours at a time when she was in town. And, because she was financially able, she gave Dad money when he needed it. I did Dad's grocery shopping, including putting everything away, and then visited with him weekly.

Sometimes it takes a village ...

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We_DemBoys@reddit

Brother checked in on him and the cat every day after work.

If you replaced cat with dog I would totally understand. At least your bro was there every day after work.

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ancientastronaut2@reddit

Um no, not exactly.

When my parents were alive, my sister lived twenty minutes away and I lived 50 minutes away. I also have an adult child living eith me who's disabled.

And my sister also churned through jobs all the time. She was always quitting or getting fired. And my parents helped her out quite a bit.

So all that led to her being close by and more available to help out more often than I did. She was close and she owed them quite frankly. They paid for her rehab, twice, at $30k each time. That's just one example.

In their last years, she spent every Saturday there helping out, and I went up every other Saturday. And she'd pop by to drive them to doctor's appointments here and there.

But they didn't need is for full time caregiving, which I think you're moreso referring to.

But my point still stands that sometimes the circumstances are what they are and one sibling can end up doing more for any number of reasons.

Sounds like it may be worth a discussion with your sibling if you feel they can in fsct help out more than they are and it's becoming too much of a burden. Is there funds available for a part time caretaker to offer you some relief?

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TravellinJ@reddit

As someone who has been through this recently, don’t wait to be asked to help. Just step in and help. My brother and I both lived long distances away from our parents (now both dead). Multi leg flights to get home.

My brother wouldn’t just step in and do stuff. He waited to be asked and then he’d do it. My parents wouldn’t ask him but I would. He went home once a year and treated it like a vacation. I went home 3-4 times a year and just figured out what needed to be done and did it.

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HighJeanette@reddit

I’m states away.

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ides_of_arch@reddit

We were born and raised in CA. Parents opted to move out of state. My career and children are here in CA. Sister had no career or children. Bounced from apartment to apartment every few years. She was better positioned to move in with mom.

Later second sister decided to move in with bf who refused to move to CA. Second sister didn’t want to move to his area in Montana. They ended up moving about half hour from mom.

I have always had my career as reason I can’t drop everything. I retired a few weeks ago and I can already feel the weight of expectation that I become more involved. Especially since first sister has developed health issues of her own and it’s more like mom takes care of her nowadays

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Back_Alley420@reddit

I only have half and step siblings. All out of the city and cut off from me. They ( my parents) are going down hill fast. All on me and they abused me so much that it’s begrudgingly that I am helping as much as I can.

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4whateverwecando@reddit

I was the only one who had room. ( and willingness ) for mom. Brother and sister, not so much. We lived 7 hours apart. They visited once in a year.

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i_love_lima_beans@reddit

When my parents needed care one had a home hospice nurse and meals on wheels, the other went into a nursing home.

None of the siblings would have been able to provide the level of care they needed.

When a sibling decides they are in charge of the parent and start making all the decisions without the others’ input, it can be more about control and inheritance than a selfless desire to serve the parent’s well-being.

It should not be surprising when the other siblings don’t do whatever the self-appointed leader thinks they should do.

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S1159P@reddit

I'm the one who moved to the other coast. My brother lives with my parents and so gets to deal with most of the moment to moment stuff. I have taken over all the "executive" stuff - I'm the one who figured out all the estate planning, healthcare proxy, etc. stuff and got the lawyers and flew out and got everything signed and created trusts, etc. I'm the one who figured out their finances and moved their funds around and got power of attorney access to their brokerage account. I'm the one who researched and interviewed and engaged home health aides to be in the house daily so he isn't on duty 24x7 any more. I'm the one who understands their health concerns, arranges their appointments, calls everyone until they can get into a specialist, even if that means demanding a portable referral and finding someone outside of the medical system they use. I renew registrations, got their taxes filed, help manage the bills, and am going through years of stacks of papers to read, understand, and file things. I wrote up the schedule and meal requirements for my mom's aides and manage the relationship with the agency from afar. I fly in for the most critical medical appointments, and log in for any that are telemedicine.

I'm saying all this to make the point: my brother is under an enormous strain with the elderly parents and their needs. He's the one on site. To all the folks who moved thousands of miles away - there's a ton of stuff you can do to help without moving back or doing day to day in person care. My brother doesn't have the bandwidth to arrange to have grab bars installed, or find a lift chair recliner, or figure out a medical taxi service that can get them from the couch to the check-in desk and then home again. I can figure stuff out, carry a lot of the mental load, and get or arrange things to make life easier.

Honestly, my brother is a lifelong bachelor who failed to launch whereas I'm a SAHM. He is completely unprepared for all the mental load stuff, whereas I've been carrying all that for my family (including a child with complex medical needs) for years, so I see ways to help them that don't even occur to him.

Folks who moved: think hard, there are almost certainly ways you can help.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

❤️

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MrSniffles_AnnaMae@reddit

Well here’s a little advice if there are more than one child in the caring group:

Rotate mom or dad between the kids.

For the last decade/20 years of my grandma’s life she rotated between her children’s homes. She lived for a couple of months at one sons home, then would rotate to another sons home for a couple of months, then rotate ….

It gave everyone a break, grandma got to visit with all the family, developed friendships outside of the family at each household, and lived until she was almost 100. And, it’s super easy to share holidays - just keep rotating!!

We’re considering the same set up for our parents and feel like this is the best answer for everyone concerned.

And, let me add, keeping your relative healthy to travel becomes a top priority, and most of our aging parents could sure use that extra boost or extra care and attention from their children.

Disregard everything I’ve mentioned if you’ve cut off your family, as it does not apply to you.

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Siren_of_Madness@reddit

My husband told his sister if SHE needed something, we are here for her. If his mother needs something, she can go fuck herself.

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macmonkey2@reddit

I’m in another state and it’s a three day drive if I don’t fly. Have been living here for over 20 years. Sister is still resentful that I wasn’t there as it was a financial burden for her on top of the rest. That said, she was already having financial problems and it felt like an excuse to move home and stop looking for work. My dad has since passed and I’ve been paying his mortgage and utilities for a year and a half while my sister is living there, still not financially stable. I feel bad I wasn’t there, but moving away from the dysfunction of my family was healthy for me. She got free room and board while caring for him and has received “payment” from us in the form of paying her living costs since then. Not our choice, but once she’s back on her feet (let’s hope soon, this is debt for us, we’re not rich), we’ll be reimbursed by the estate when the house is sold. Since she needs it more, I am likely letting her have whatever equity is left in the home.

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LastCookie3448@reddit

She hates me and made my life hell. My sister has spent her entire life clawing her way to the center of that woman’s attention, she can have her.

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Ok_Initial_2063@reddit

I helped take care of my mom. Not bc she deserved it but because she was vulnerable and my stepfather is a horrible person. (I helped more bc of who I am and the relationship she had with the grandkids than any sense of obligation.) She passed. He can rot. So can my bio dad who is also a horrible person. Biology and/or marriage do not equate a relationship or obligation. Period. Maintain boundaries and protect your peace.

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azrolator@reddit

Been there, done that. Sibling wasn't in the best place at the time so it was frustrating but not much choice.

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Effective_Farmer_119@reddit

I live 5 hours away and take care of a household of people who also need help, some of whom can’t drive. My sibling who lives near my parents wants control anyway. I do feel badly that I am not there as often as they might like but I can’t be two places at once. My own life hasn’t actually started.

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OldDude1391@reddit

So sister moved in with dad. Her college graduate, employed daughter lives there as well. Sister keeps an eye on dad and pays utilities. She sold her house before moving in and makes just shy of $100k. I’m fine with it but I don’t feel any obligation to help. She bitched about it once. I straight up told her I’ll sell my house and move in. I have a pension and without a mortgage I would not need to work. I could hang out with dad full time and my wife could continue to work remotely. Sister hasn’t co planned since.

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CartographerTall1967@reddit

Dads dead and moms mental illness which dad must have shielded us from came out after he passed. She disowned me so i feel no obligation to help her.

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GalianoGirl@reddit

Dad just died. I live 5 plus hours away from where he and my brother lived.

I provided Respite, using my vacation days.

I offered other forms of help, bookkeeping, taxes etc., but was refused.

Now that he is dead I have offered to help with the financial side of things, like the last 8 years of income taxes, but my brother is not yet sharing the paperwork.

So I do nothing.

But each time I got “The Call” I dropped everything and showed up.

I was with him when he died.

Dad also never wanted a daughter and tried to have me institutionalized when I was 3, but as I was a healthy child, that could not happen. So he chose neglect and abuse.

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cjhreeder3@reddit

I don’t live near them!

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Puzzleheaded-Bat8657@reddit

My sibling hasn't had a job for 15 years since they quit being a part time cashier. They live rent free with a credit card paid by my parent. I would be more OK with this if the house didn't feature falling down fences, cat hair piled in the corners and 6 months worth of empty containers aging in the kitchen. I can't force either the 40 year old or the the 75 year old to make healthy choices so I say nothing and take my Mother out to lunch occasionally because I can't abide drinking a glass of water poured in that environment. And I wait for the day they are forced out of their home by emergency or circumstances.

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mramseyISU@reddit

I have zero contact with my parents and my sister has a victim complex inherited from my mom. They’ll figure it out.

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Witty-Atmosphere-211@reddit

My dad died in 2008. My brother, my mom’s golden child, showed up with a trailer to the funeral, took items and we haven’t heard from him since 2017.

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iAmAmbr@reddit

Well, I live 500 miles away. I moved out at 18, and my brother, who's taking care of my mom, has lived elsewhere for a year tops, and he's 36 years old. He is holding some kind of grudge against me and refuses to talk to me. Even going so far as to sit outside in his truck until he knew I was in bed on my last visit to see her. So for me it's distance and the fact that my brother refuses to speak with me.

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Turbulent_Tale6497@reddit

I'm an only child. While I don't wish ill on my parents, I hope they figure it out themselves.

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Highchest_Heavyfoot@reddit

Oh wow

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Upper-Shoe-81@reddit

My sister and I made a deal… she takes care of mom and I take care of dad (divorced for over 40 years). It was easy because I was always closer to our dad anyway, and she was closer to mom. Dad passed last year.

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Equivalent_Win8966@reddit

I live 500 miles away and have since I was 18. I have no intention of ever moving back to the shithole town they live in. My sister and brother live within a mile of my father and his wife. As an adult, I have received no support (I don’t mean financial) from my father and stepmother. My brother and sister have. My dad and his wife couldn’t even be bothered to visit me and my son, yet they could gallivant around the world on vacations and visiting my step siblings. And now they pretty much just ask me for money which I have stopped giving at this point. So my sister and brother are taking care of things for my father and his wife and will continue as the needs increase. I have no intention of helping. None of us speak to my mother. She will die alone.

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Emotional-Change-722@reddit

Why don’t you speak to your Mom?

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Komaisnotsalty@reddit

Doesn't matter, does it?

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Suitable_Nobody8544@reddit

My mother has two children. The one she shows love towards, the other she just criticizes. Let’s just say that’s why my sister takes care of her.

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Curious_Field7953@reddit

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 as far as I'm concerned, my mother died 18 years ago when I was 37 & went no contact. She always preferred my sister so the joke in the family is she bet on the wrong kid bc one sister has 5 DUI's & 4 felony child abuse charges and the other is me.

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GlowInTheDarkSpaces@reddit

my sister lives with my mom in a swanky town she couldn’t afford on her own. fortunately she loves it there and my mother’s health is still good

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eclectic-up-north@reddit

It takes 15 hours to get from my house to my mom's house. I know, I did it 4 days ago. My brother, who lives in the same town as mom is overseas for a month. Mybsister, who is retired, is on vacation.

So I booked a trip out. My boss is great and I am working 50% time remote and on vacation the rest of the time for 2.5 weeks.

My mom is at the point where she doesn't quite know, or admit to hwrself, howmuch help she needs. She told my brother it is too bad I was coming out when he was gone and would miss him. We didn't tell her that was the point.

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starksfergie@reddit

Both rents have passed in last 10 years. Due to circumstances, we relocated from the UK back to Texas in 2015 to assist the family in taking care of Mum as she started her decline (ALS/Dementia). It was a group effort with my sister doing the heavy lifting as she wasn't working at the time. My and my brother/sister-in-law picked up the slack (even though we all worked full time). That lasted about 10 months. I'm glad we did it but it confirmed I didn't want to do it again. Mum was tough due to the decline, but she also got lighter and lighter in weight, so it became less of a physical burden as it got towards the end.

For Dad, me and my husband had already relocated from Texas between the time that Mum died and Dad started his decline. Due some other weird circumstance, my sister was in the process of selling their house to move into a new house, but due to Dad getting sick, they sold their house and moved in with Dad to assist taking care of him. So it was my sister and brother-in-law. Dad's downturn was shorter than Mum's, he was 91 and just got a bad pneumonia episode that put him in bed and left him there for the last 5 months. Before we left, I sat down with Dad and confirmed that he didn't need me and my hubby there anymore and he was healthy at the time and gave us his blessing. After all was done, I asked my sister if Dad was a burden and she said not even close - he was the easiest person to take care of as he never got angry and was extremely patient with them. In addition to the family helping both parents, we did have hospice during both and that helped and allowed everyone in the family to have a break.

I felt a little guilty when Dad passed, but he made me executor to take care of moving all of his assets to the four kids (and my siblings were all very appreciative of what I did at the end, most of it from Oregon and a small bit of it from a vacation in Jordan).

Now, one snarky comment I can make, I have a very well to do brother, he doesn't live in Texas. He did come down after both parents passed and did make a small effort to come see them while they were sick, but never really lifted much of a finger and never helped out financially. At this point in our lives, I won't say I took it personally, but it was disappointing. He's always been selfish and not remotely self aware in that way.

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Bacon_lightsaber@reddit

The will has been their threat for their last 10 years of life. Fuck em....my sister got the million dollars. Im happy for her, she's alone now....but rich. Im broke, but i have my integrity, and I have my own beautiful family.

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sneakyDoings@reddit

I had a conversation with my parents when I was still pretty young. I told them I wanted to take care of them when they got old. They both looked like they stepped in pile of dog poo. That was a formative experience and I distanced myself pretty thoroughly after that. My brother had to pick up the slack when my dad got sick and died. I feel bad that he had to handle all that but they made it clear that I was not the one they wanted to care for them

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allmykitlets@reddit

I'm so sorry they reacted that way to your very kind statement.

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sneakyDoings@reddit

Thank you, I really wanted to have a loving relationship with my immediate family. It did not work out. I do have a very good relationship with 2 of my cousins, so that's pretty good

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Canoearoo@reddit

Maybe the reaction was more about the thought of their own immortality and being a burden to their children. That's a lot to think about and especially jarring if you haven't given it much if any thought prior. What did they say the next time it was discussed?

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sneakyDoings@reddit

Yeah I'm sure that thinking about end of life stuff would have been unpleasant for them. It hurt my feelings though to be pushed away one more time. I could only open my heart so many times before the continual rejection shut me down for good. They didn't like that I was always looking for attention.

There was no second conversation. My parents did not welcome emotional contact from me. We were not well matched. I'm sure they would have had better luck with a different daughter

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Curious_Field7953@reddit

We are 1200 miles away from my Monster-in-law. Her other 2 sons live 30 minutes & 2 hours away. My husband is the only one who does ANYTHING for her. My favorite thing to say to my BIL's (especially in front if their grown kids) is that at least they know what to expect when they get up there bc they're teaching their kids how to treat your older, although sadistic, relatives. Maybe the Baphomet vibe is just in my situation 😂 but you get the gist.

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seobrien@reddit

My excuse, if I were to have one, is an entitlement attitude on the part of my siblings that judge me for my circumstances.

Luckily, I don't have that problem, but it sounds like yours do.

In our case, one sibling is a nurse and close to them. Another sibling works in finance. You can reasonably conclude how they help. They appreciate me for who I am and what I can do; I was in abusive situations, live 1000 miles away, and do my part (I'm handy so when I visit, I tackle all the chores, repairs, and upgrades).

Is it perfect? No, of course not. Is it ever perfect? We support one another with love and care. If I were to step away and abandon any of them, it would be because they have an attitude seeking excuses instead of understanding. In life, we have no good cause to deal with people who don't care for us, warts and all.

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Necessary-State8159@reddit

I was happy to help and calling to see when I could come until I was told to back off. I backed off, and was ordered to not visit or call. Fine. My parent and my sibling have my number, I won’t volunteer to be treated like a guest in my own family. I’ll stay away until invited.

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rosesforthemonsters@reddit

I was my father's primary caregiver for the last 15 years of his life.

I can only speak about my situation.

My brother and sister didn't help because they didn't give a crap what happened to our father. My brother told me that flat out.

None of us ever had a good relationship with him and there was nothing in it for them.

There was nothing in it for me, either.

At the time, I had a healthcare advocate that was assisting me with some personal issues of my own. He told me that I needed to make choices that I could live with and not regret.

So, when it came to my father, I knew that I couldn't leave him to fend for himself and not regret that.

He had brain damage from a childhood accident and had the mentality of an eight year old child. He was also completely illiterate.

No one else was going to step up and take care of him, so I took on the responsibility.

I will say that I'll never allow something like that to be guilted or forced on me again.

My sister said that I was stupid for taking care of him.

Maybe so.

He certainly made me pay a very high price for trying to treat him like a human being.

I completely understand why my siblings wanted nothing to do with the situation.

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Quirky_Might_8780@reddit

It sounds rough. Im sorry.

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Inner-Confidence99@reddit

Yeah. I helped Mom take care of Dad when he took sick. My brother and sister didn’t help at all. Sister was too busy having an affair. Brother was to busy with his drug habit. I did it and I was the youngest. My paycheck was paying the bills.

Years later, Mom took sick. I lived 50 miles away so about an hour to get there in good traffic. I also had a kid in school. I was driving 100 miles round trip daily to care for her because my kid had school. My sister lived a block away. Her excuse. She had a bad back. Well so did I - herniated disc plus neuropathy, fibromyalgia. I took care of her until she passed away.

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ironicmirror@reddit

Someone send this to my brother and sister.

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simikoi@reddit

My dad is getting to that point. My sister and I live in opposite directions, about the same distance away, with my parents in the middle. But it takes me over two hours and her only one hour due to traffic. So she has been coming to see our parents more often. But also, she works way way less than me. But honestly, I feel no guilt because she owes them. She put them through so much financial and emotional hell for years and now that she is finally getting her life back together, largely due to their support, she owes them a lot. I owe too of course, but in a way that all children owe their kind loving parents. But she has just taken so much from them so it's time she gave back.

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

My parents are 76 and 82 and can still care for themselves in their own home. When the time comes, neither of them want any of us 6 kids caring for them and they’ve made that clear many times. Myself and 1 sister live nearby so we visit twice a week if not more. My guess is one of us will care for them but they are dead serious about their retirement home lol. They’ve got the place picked out which is only 3 miles from me.

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RikkiLostMyNumber@reddit

I was told by my elderly mother she wanted no contact with me about seven months ago. She has also managed to alienate most of her grandchildren, including two of my kids.
It's a sad situation. She is not doing great physically and is now refusing PT for a new hip she got earlier this year. After going no contact with my sister about a year ago, she's now texting her to ask about her coming over to cook her dinner a few nights a week. Out of the blue, no apologies or even small talk. My sister has declined but offered the contact info for meals on wheels. I think historically our mom has been crueler to my sister than to me.
I know I'm a bad person, and a bad son, all that shit, and I've decided I can't care about it anymore. This shit has been going on for over 50 years.

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Quirky_Might_8780@reddit

You’re not a bad person! You’re setting a boundary to care for yourself.

Good on your sister for maintaining her boundaries and offering Meals on Wheels!

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HootinHollerHill@reddit

I’m an only child.

My parents are in their mid-80s and are in excellent health for their age.

They live four hours away. They refuse all my offers of help, including coming once a month to spend a couple of days with them.

As far as I am concerned, the best case scenarios are limited. I recently learned they don’t even have a trust set up. They have a will at least. Their arrogance and stubbornness have always irked me. How it all plays out at the end, I do not know.

But honestly…if I were not an only child, I probably would have gone low contact with them decades ago.

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creakingknees@reddit

Why do you think they should have a trust if they have a will?

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Mysterious_Worker608@reddit

A trust avoids probate and makes settlement of the estate much easier, faster and less expensive.

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HootinHollerHill@reddit

This.

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mmconno@reddit

Just a little bit provocative…

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Carinyosa99@reddit

My brother has my mom living with her, but does almost none of the caretaking (she doesn't really need help at home - yet). I'm the one doing most of the actual "work" involving her care by taking her to appointments, getting her meds, helping her make the medical decisions. I was an administrative assistant for years and so that kind of stuff is my strong point. I could see if a sibling has a complicated relationship, they could handle more of the "paperwork" type stuff (maybe not actual paper but making sure bills are paid or getting medical information or ordering groceries, etc.). Quite often if one is involved in the hands-on stuff which might be emotional, they can't focus on the more practical needs. Take some of that off your sibling's plate where you can have limited interaction with the parent and you're helping a lot.

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eat-real-chips@reddit

My 85 yr mom is sad that neither of her male children visited her when she was in hospital for a week with sepsis . This was the last straw for me and I have gone no contact with the useless bastards. Why TF do I bother trying to get them to phone their own mother. Ugh. Of course as the unmarried cat lady I am, I’m expected to drop everything anytime day or night.

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Dry-Aside4526@reddit

I am a 7 hour drive away. My sister is down the street and has followed our parents wherever they moved. She has been dependent on them in some fashion or another since…forever I guess. And it’s ramping up, to my spurpeise. I just learned my mother grocery shops and delivers the food to my sisters house, as example. They are so codependent on one another, I am not included in that. So I will write checks and do all remote friendly tasks (financial care, etc), and I fly out in medical emergencies. But that’s that.

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Better_Resort1171@reddit

6 hrs away and I don't care. Neither does she.

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21stCenturyJanes@reddit

They live nearby, I don't. I do help out in some ways but not as much as they do.

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Kindly_Jellyfish_451@reddit

My mother took care of my dad in his final illness. My siblings and I took turns caring her in hers, and she hated every second of it, saying it was HER job to wipe OUR asses, not the other way around. She was relieved when hospice was called in because she was so opposed to the idea of us helping her in such personal ways. She was a very stubborn, fiercely independent woman…sometimes to the extent of driving us nuts (though we admired her for it).

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Komaisnotsalty@reddit

Well, for one, I'm not capable of it. I'm disabled.

But before I was disabled with a head injury, I moved my parents in with me and charged them extremely little so that they could have some extra money.

Both of my parents were high school dropouts - neither finished grade 10 - and were utterly stupid with money their entire lives. We were raised in poverty and when I came around, my siblings were grown. I wasn't wanted and was neglected. Pretty much raised myself, for the most part.

I'm the youngest and only Gen X. My other siblings are all quite a bit older and all Boomers. They're all married with kids. I stayed single and never had kids, nor have I ever wanted them. Because of that, it's always fallen on me to pick up the slack, like somehow I have a magic wand that lets me earn more to make up for that I don't have a spouse and because I have no kids, somehow my time is worth less and I have more of it.

None of my siblings noticed that our parents were struggling financially, so I invited them to move in with me, and got a bigger house to do so. They were independent, just poor. Dad got sick & died and I took care of everything yet again because none of my siblings thought they should bother. They showed up the night before he died (even though he was near death for over a week), swooped in to take things away and do jack shit and left me with making all the arrangements.

They left the day after the funeral and I got a grieving mother who didn't know how to live without dad. They'd been together since she was 16. It was hell on earth for 3 years, but she did recover.

Fast forward 15 years, she now lives with my sister and I'm in an apartment for the disabled, on my own but in an apartment designed for people like me.

Soooo, fuck 'em.

I stay in touch with mom and visit with her a couple of times a week, but my siblings - I don't care if they rot. I've known since I was a little girl that they didn't want me around, that I interrupted everything. The sibling closest to me in age (10 years older than I) regularly reminds me that I stole her place as the youngest, that I was spoiled rotten, and shouldn't exist.

So yeah - don't care. I talk to my siblings maybe once a year, when forced because they show up in town to visit mom. I make nice, play cards, have a laugh or two, and leave. I'm not interested in them and they're not interested in me, and that's probably for the best.

I don't like your title, OP: What's your 'excuse'. If you or someone had kids and assigns them the job at birth that they have to look after them when they're old? That's really pathetic and sad. It's a nice sentiment, but old folks homes are stuffed full of seniors who's kids never visit. I've worked at quite a few over the decades and it's really sad. They die lonely a lot of time with care workers being the only 'family' they have.

Parents can be the best parents on earth, but that doesn't prevent life from happening. Kids die before parents, they move too far away for a variety of reasons, get caught in their own life and circumstances take them down a different path, and a slew of other things.

And some parents are utterly toxic and it's better (and safer) for their adult kids to just let them die miserable. They'll blame their kids but it's not their fault.

Some parents, like mine, are kinda in the middle. I didn't know my parents well, don't know my siblings, and likely ever will. That's okay too.

Ideal? Not in the rose-coloured glasses of some, but the reality and statistics are far clearer than that.

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LuxyontheMoon@reddit

My parents put all their nurturing and positive reinforcement into my brother and always bailed him out. He is now very successful. He works his dream role at his dream tech company and married well. They have a million dollar real estate portfolio. I rent and had to leave the state after being diagnosed with ptsd and having to leave my hospitality job. I fully expect my brother to take care of my parents. I was blamed for my brother's depression when I was 12. Had to start cooking 3 meals a day for him when I was 13 because the school threatened to call cps because my brother wasn't eating enough, and I had to wash his clothes .

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NoAngel815@reddit

Parents divorced when we were 4 & 6. Sis took care of Mom's stuff and I took care of Dad's for the most part. Even after he passed I refused doing anything for Mom's care beyond driving my sister (she never learned), since Mom is the one who gave me C-PTSD.

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thatpunkyrat@reddit

Both my husband and I are no contact with our narcissistic moms. My mom can go to a nursing home when she gets older (she's almost 50) or one of my siblings can care for her, I refuse. My MIL is in her late 70's and has plenty of money still from her divorcing my FIL so we know she'll be fine. You can't treat your kids like shit and still expect to be cared for when you're old.

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blew_belle@reddit

Oh but they do expect it. At least in my situation. While I was going through my own cancer treatment. The old man died 3 days after my last treatment. It was a huge relief.

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thatpunkyrat@reddit

My mom probably would expect it and my MIL definitely would expect it. Since the day I met her I've never liked her lol

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Historical-Gain-1688@reddit

My mom has lived with my sister for 30 years. Helped raise her kids, childcare and bay sitter. Now my sister is her primary care giver

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Ok-Bag-9710@reddit

I think the guilt tripping nature that a lot of caretakers use to be passive-aggressive can quite often be what pushes siblings away from helping in the first place. Obviously, that isn't every, or even most, situations. But if everyone is an adult, then they need to act as such. Each person's well-being is their own responsibility. I see so many people demand to be in charge, only to complain that they are the only one doing anything. It might seem selfish, but I'd be no help to my parent if I put everyone else's well-being over my own. On a personal level though, I believe every family situation is different. The circumstance of one family shouldn't be used to judge another's. My mom stayed away because my uncle decided he was the caretaker. Stepping away was the absolute safest thing for us and I am glad she did. His 'well-being' wasn't her concern, our well being was, and she was unfortunately in a situation to be made to decide.

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GordonB-2797@reddit

My husband does everything for his mom. Brother helps when he can even though he is out of state. Sister is also out of state and does nothing and claims it's from childhood trauma. Husband thinks it is BS but cousins on both sides of his family told me privately they understand where she is coming from. I stay out of it! As for my parents, they are still in good shape but time will tell (I have 3 siblings).

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Odd-Animal-1552@reddit

I typed out a whole novel then deleted it. Long story short:

After several months of dealing with mother’s health crisis, I am no longer involved because a) family cut me out of mother’s care process, and b) mother became nasty and abusive once she sufficiently recovered and sis joined in. They can have each other.

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GrandmaD-4@reddit

I am an only child. It was my honor to care for my parents. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you have with them, geography, etc. My sons will probably take care of me. My oldest daughter is in active addiction. My middle daughter is married and just had baby #4. So she is busy!

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iknowsheknowz@reddit

My father was neglectful and abusive to me. The golden child needs to care for him. My mother lived with me for almost 7 years until she passed and I had little help. I’m not in charge of him unless asked and have not been asked.

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Overall_Lobster823@reddit

Nope. That was me.

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chicadeaqua@reddit

My siblings didn’t help care for my grandma because she was a horrible bitch towards them in the past. I had thicker skin and could better tolerate her abuses.

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AmharachEadgyth@reddit

My sister lives closer and I do help. We’re a team. We each manage different aspects of helping.

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ObligationNervous157@reddit

My sister and I both live close and help. Me more some years especially with her finances her more recently as she does more of the doctor visits. Still, both visiting regularly and working together makes it a lot more manageable.

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Emotional-Swan9381@reddit

Every situation is very unique so there’s no rule book. It’s so sad that so many children are not loved enough by their parents to want to return the favor. What goes around comes around.

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Rude_Vermicelli2268@reddit

This is the answer for many people. If they are indifferent at best towards their parent(s) they have no incentive to get involved.

And since they don’t feel obligated, they don’t see a need to “help out” the sibling(s) who have decided to be caretakers.

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babsmutton@reddit

My siblings and their kids are dead to me now. Not only did I move my mom 4 states from her home, friends and relatives because they couldn't be bothered to help her out when she had open heart surgery, they also stole money, asked for loans and cosigns on loans, etc. She lived with me for 8 years, the final 2 were rough and involved hospice care in my home. I asked for help and they again couldn't be bothered. After she died, then they had a lot to say about inheritance, judgements on her care in her final days and even accused me of isolating her though she was too sick to leave the house. It was a complete circus. They can all rot in hell.

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flyboy_za@reddit

Wow, man, your family are awful. Sorry, my dude.

Yeah, fuck those guys.

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Florianemory@reddit

I took care of both my parents with minimal assistance from my brother. A few years after they were both gone my brother had an epiphany and said “ I just realized I didn’t have to do anything for mom or dad”. Like no shit bro, I did it all myself.

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Chauncy1911@reddit

They bought him a new truck and a house..then remodeled the house.

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Reason_Training@reddit

My parents are divorced. I’ve been taking care of dad as he is estranged from my brother. My brother is the primary caregiver for our mom though I help out as needed. We wound up splitting responsibilities for our aging parents.

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lalacourtney@reddit

Sounds like an ideal handling of an awful situation.

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jennyjenny223@reddit

I’m not the people pleasing martyr that my sibling is

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This-Shape2193@reddit

"I'm selfish and use psychiatric jargon as framing for justification."

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AtomicPantsuit@reddit

"I smugly judge internet strangers by their single posts."

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jennyjenny223@reddit

Fuck you. Actions have consequences.

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Missmbb@reddit

Or, “It took me years of therapy to work through my trauma and I don’t feel responsible for those who caused it.”

Mine is just as big of a guess as yours. We have no idea what is going on/went on in other people’s lives.

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emryldmyst@reddit

It's not the kids responsibility to care take their parents.

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Big77Ben2@reddit

250 miles.

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crlynstll@reddit

I’m an only but people insist I’m “lucky” not to have siblings because they wouldn’t help. Doing this all by yourself, either bcs siblings don’t help or because there is no other family is hard.

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txtw@reddit

Yes it is. There is no hope of a break, because there’s no one to step in, even for a day or two.

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crlynstll@reddit

Yes. It looks like I’ll spend the day at an urgent care clinic or at her apartment. I’m supposed to plan a trip to Alaska with my husband for September but may ask one of our sons to go instead. I have no extended family to help. This isn’t how I saw my 60s but I was obviously naive.

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jenorama_CA@reddit

I’m flying solo as well and so far my dad is doing all right, but I’m not looking forward to when he isn’t.

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Nice_Poet_6064@reddit

I’ll admit, in the beginning, the bulk fell on my oldest sibling. It was where she was at in life (kids gown, no longer working by choice) vs the rest of us. Honestly, it also took me a bit to accept how badly my mom was declining. There was a turning point - she wandered away one day but luckily was intercepted my a kind neighbor who called us. Without needed to be asked, the rest of us stepped up and have been equal caregivers since then. It’s fucking exhausting and I can’t imagine doing what we do short handed. I know we are fortunate in numbers/distance (several sibs, all nearby) but it still takes a lot of personal sacrifice from each of us. I am so sorry that you are doing this on your own. I hope you can find some support bc you can’t do this on your own.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

Thank you 🙏

It’s hard to get your head around it, no doubt. Your mom and sister are lucky to have you!

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Valuable_Media_9691@reddit

I’m an only child with divorced parents that live 1600 miles apart. I have taken care of my mom for years now because she is bedridden from a very bad surgery. I also took care of my grandparents til death. They had 4 kids that lived within minutes. I had small children, my mom, my own health issues. Not one person could help. They even changed their phone numbers to not be bugged. I have very disgusting greedy people in the family. The Cruella Deville of the family had the wheel all changed over into her name, but then my grandfather got upset and switched it out to her child every single thing to her child. The child that changed his number the child that wouldn’t come over regardless, how many times my grand grandfather would call and beg. Needless to say the second they found out Grandpa was dead. They had the locks changed within hours. Yeah we don’t get along and they get to live with the guilt that I don’t have to, and there will be a day of judgment, and they will get to see their actions and how it made others feel. It’s amazing what people will do for money.

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scro-hawk@reddit

Cause toxic people do not change even when they are dying.

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This-Assumption4123@reddit

All my siblings are dead and I have no intention of taking care of people who never took care of me. They can figure it out themselves the same way I had to.

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Over_Sand7935@reddit

They excluded me and played games, why would I care now.

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wickedlyzenful@reddit

THIS!

I was treated like crap by mother and siblings so I gave the energy I got with no regrets.

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Over_Sand7935@reddit

I'm going to make one more effort (because I'm a fool). Then after that - no more.

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Unique-Sock3366@reddit

The final attempt was difficult and painful for me. The peace that followed its failure is profound. 🫂

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legosgrrl@reddit

I lived 1587 miles away. On purpose.

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TransatlanticMadame@reddit

gif

5000 miles and out of the country here... I will support whatever decision my siblings stateside want to make.

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thisisstupid-@reddit

I don’t owe my parents anything and my sister is responsible for the choices she makes for her own life.

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itgoesineasy@reddit

My brother and I divided the care taking of my dad. We were lucky. Both of us were professional firefighters so bonus being on different shifts one of us could always be there. I did all the doctor appointments and my brother did all the financial side of things. We both took care of the Farm work.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

Amazing! Love to hear about teamwork like this!

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ayfkm123@reddit

I’m a caregiver by nature. I go overboard. Out everyone ahead of myself.

I will not do that for MIL. Did for FIL what I could given it’s not my place, but I will. Not. Do it for mil. And af this point I won’t do it for dh either.

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MuttsandHuskies@reddit

I did not help with my dad. I live over 4 hours away from my parents, and when he started declining (it was a several year long process due to diabetes and agent orange exposure in Vietnam) I started having flashbacks and PTSD about the abuse I encountered at his hands. And I didn't want anything to do with him. I did go visit once a couple of days before he passed. He was basically in a coma, but he did squeeze my hand, so knew I was there. But the nightmares continued for a while. My mom, my sisters and daughter were all there. I sent money.

For my mom? I'd be right there. That would be my honor.

And as far as the will goes, I don't need anything she has. I'll take some of her plants and that's it.

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Fearless_Street5231@reddit

I’m an only child, my mother is gone, my father moved away from me. I am not moving to a fly over state if he needs care. But so far, he’s doing good.

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Mick13-@reddit

My sister takes care of my mom. Years ago when my dad was ill and she lived a few blocks from him and I lived a four hour drive away, going to school full time and working full time, she refused to help. I pleaded with her, and explained to her that she wouldn't be helping him but helping me. She still refused and said, "I will take care of mom when she needs it."

So that is how it goes. I took care of our dad, ended up moving him closer to me, and she is taking care of my mom. My dad made it a couple of years and she has been helping my mom for 10+ years now.

Now she makes comments about how I have been off living my life while she has been taking care of mom. Well, I guess she should have thought about that when I was driving 8 hours round trip on the weekends while I was working full time and going to school full time while she was sitting on her ass a few blocks away.

Sorry...I am bitter and defensive about the situation.

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Sense_Difficult@reddit

Just to add a different perspective, the parent might prefer to be taken care of by one particular child. My mom has 6 kids and three live in the same state as she does. My mother would never accept help from my older sister, because my mother is jealous of her financial status. My younger sister and her wind up fighting every time she gets involved. I have offered to help and she gets weird as well. She just prefers dealing with my middle sister. And they seem to have a routine down.

What I do is send care packages through Amazon. I've tried sending money but my mother is terrified of electronic transfers. So I just send packages. And I've told my sister that if she needs money to let me know. That's another issue. Sometimes older parents don't trust modern conveniences.

Luckily my mother doesn't have major health issues.

I do wonder how many of children taking care of the parents are basically favored by the parent because it's less shame and embarrassment with one particular sibling.

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misanthropymajor@reddit

I’m an only child but I am also a hospice nurse and I do want to say, if your parent wants/you want for your parent care for things like serious infection but not lifesaving measures like CPR, etc., and parent is quite ill and is approved for hospice (which is done at home), hospice can give you support that may help, including 5-day stays at a skilled nursing facility for “respite care” (a break for you) — paid for by Medicare and repeating as advised by the hospice director. Ours allows for 5 days per month, though people don’t often use it that much as yes, getting parent prepared is a Thing in and of itself.

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TrainingLow9079@reddit

Seriously. I think people block out thinking about how hard it must be for their siblings since deep down they know it's HARD and they don't want to do the labor.

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Kapt_Krunch72@reddit

Because he is/was a lying cheating bastard that made a childhood a living hell. He wanted nothing to do with me unless I was up for an award or something good that I worked hard for so he could stand in my spotlight. Found out last spring from my sister, he has stage 4 bone cancer and wants to reconnect. I told her no, but wish him luck with his treatment.

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JohnGault67@reddit

I got lucky. My emotionally unavailable mother decided to sell her house in Florida and move back to our home state. Her health was rapidly declining. She lasted 2.5 years up there before she died. My narcissist brother got mad and demanded that I come up and take care of her. HA! Because he didn't want to do it. – Me moving up there to take care of an emotionally unavailable parent would have involved me having to abandon my apartment and my son, in Florida. Yeah, not gonna happen.

My brother ended up compensating himself for (barely) taking care of her by stealing $30K from her estate over the 2.5 year period.

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mldyfox@reddit

My mom lives with my youngest sister, so that sibling has the main burden of care now.

I live 2 states away and have my severely autistic son to care for. I wouldn't consider that an excuse to not do more for my mom, but it is a reason.

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biscuitsmomma@reddit

These situations are often more complicated than this question would imply. My husband's parents are 80 (mom) and 88 (dad). His mom is in terrible health, cannot do anything for herself, and needs 24-hour care, but his dad is her full-time caregiver. Why? His brother and sister would have us believe their dad insists on this scenario. I think he is ready for help. We live 175 miles away while everyone else is within a 30-minute drive. We visited last week, and his dad insinuated he is ready for help. Honestly, she should have gone into rehab in December after a fall, but his sister was so adamant about having their mom home for the holidays that she moved in for 2-3 weeks to take care of her. She asked my husband to take the week off between Christmas and New Year's, and he said no. He did not agree to be a caregiver and did not endorse her being cared for at home rather than in skilled nursing. He did, however, stay there from Dec 23-25 to give sis a break. At this point, there are some home health care workers coming in regularly but infrequently, and my husband doesn't agree with not having a full-time caregiver whether at home or in a facility. We are willing to pitch in financially if needed, but the financial picture is unclear to us. We have been having this conversation almost daily for the past week, but until all parties agree on a reasonable plan for care, there isn't much for us to do. They all seem to be waiting for some incident to force their hand.

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Inattendue@reddit

If your FIL is of sound mind he can initiate the conversations about care himself, though I know it’s had and scary. See if there are senior centers in his area and ask if they have social service assistance to help ins out what services are available locally.

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biscuitsmomma@reddit

The local Agency in Aging has programs. No one will call. His dad wouldn't make this call. He is a country guy living in bumfuck and they only got internet for the first time last year so the grown kids could do work from there if they needed to be there (it was available long before that, they just didn't want it). They are the type of people who don't necessarily want to ask strangers for assistance.

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Inattendue@reddit

That’s sad and sounds just like my in laws… my MIL got the internet so she could play online solitaire.

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Flaky_Web_2439@reddit

At 16, I told my mother to make sure that my brothers would take care of her because if it was left to me, I would dump her at the back door of a state run facility. I’ve been no contact for the past 25 years. 25 peaceful years, 25 quiet happy years.

Of course, my mother was a diagnosed narcissist with borderline personality disorder. And unfortunately, that seems to be a common theme with a lot of of siblings and children that are low to no contact.

If it ever came down to me, if everybody else was gone, and she needed help, I would turn my back and walk away

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Unique-Sock3366@reddit

Brother is the golden child. I’m the scapegoat.

I went scorched earth no contact after fifty years of neglect and abuse from my parents.

He’s perfectly free to do the same.

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Hefty_Debt_638@reddit

Well my mom thought she was done parenting me when I was 10 so I feel zero obligation to be her caregiver. Yes, my older sister will be the one to do that.

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Beginning_Key2167@reddit

I live on the other side of the country.

My brother still lives in our hometown, where my mom is. It is a small town he can be at my mom's in about 10 minutes. Even if he hits red lights at the only two traffic lights in the whole town.

His kid and my mom are super close. So between him, my sister in law and my brother. They are able to help her anytime she needs it.

She doesn't need any financial help or I would contribute.

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Shifu_Ekim@reddit

Eldest makes 400k he could afford it without me

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BloodyBarbieBrains@reddit

Do you help in non-financial ways?

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emryldmyst@reddit

I dont owe that abusive, neglectful, narcissistic evil bitch a damn thing.

I spent the first 18 years trying to escape her one way or another.

No fuckin way is the problematic lifestyle she created for herself my problem.

The only things she taught me was to not trust anyone, how not to be a parent and how not to live your life.

My sibling, on the other hand, didn't have the same mother i had.

By the time she was born our mom was different. Theres an age gap between me and my sibling.

So they got the nice, loving mom and I was now the built in nanny and maid.

Fuck all that.

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FREDICVSMAXIMVS@reddit

I don't know, but if reddit is any indication, it happens all the time. And then they're shocked when they get left out of the will

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Individual_Maize6007@reddit

My 81 year old mother is doing well. Lives alone. Closest child to her is 5 hours away. I’m 14. Other siblings 18 hours by car. If she gets sick and needs care, we 3 siblings agree and she agrees to sell her house and go into long term care.

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keja1978@reddit

I live 6000 miles away in a different country and have to work to pay for my mortgage and kid's college. If my mother becomes in need of a lot of support I'll take unpaid leave to care for her but I'm hoping that's a way off as I still need to save for a pension. My brother lives ten minutes away from my mom.

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wieldymouse@reddit

My younger sister did this for our dad. Obviously, with me living in Germany at the time and them living in Florida that wasn't going to work out. So, I was blessed to not have to come up with a reason.

Is it fair? Probably not. But parents oftentimes rely on their children to take care of them in their older as as an expectation. I don't agree with that. People aren't responsible for their parents' care later in life. I'm not sure that the solution is for siblings because I don't believe they should have to do it. My sister would've anyway as she likes to obligate herself for those sort of actions. My wife and I sent money to help with the increase in gas and other incidentals, and I didn't take any inheritance--I signed it all over to her.

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Bobloblaw878@reddit

I was the scapegoat and sister was the golden child. My mother ghosted me and my family after they screwed us in a business deal. My sister then had to do the heavy lifting for 20 years. Guess what. My sister can't take it any more. She's moving in with me and my husband and my mom is on her own after that. She'll have to deal with the hired home nurse. It was Mom's choice, I guess?

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Machinebuzz@reddit

Because I have a job and my sister's don't.

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SafetyMan35@reddit

I live 400 miles away and my sibling lives less than 0.5 miles away.

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Odd_Yogurtcloset_649@reddit

This is exactly the situation my high school friend/classmate is in right now. She lives over 300 miles away. Her sister lives in the next town and can drive to their parents' home.

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NoTomorrowNo@reddit

Lil sis was the favourite since she was born, a Golden Child. They ve tormented me for decades, kept me out of so many special moments, and were getting all their ducks aligned to train the new generation to play "torment the scapegoat" with them, so I went NC. (ACE included SA, medical abuse, physical, verbal and psychological abuse.)

It s only fair that the girl with the "special relationship" gets undivided attention until the end and finally takes care of mum in some way or other.

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lovebeinganasshole@reddit

Brother lives in another city. Father had remarried and his wife was/is a massive female dog particularly to my brother while growing up. My father wasn’t much better. Amazingly my step sisters stepped up. He treated them better than he treated my brother. In the end he received the care and attention he deserved.

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CheesecakeSea6471@reddit

I watched my half-sister spend her entire adulthood totally dependent on my dad and stepmom (her mom). When she had kids, they spent nearly every waking hour at their grandparents. Even after raising their kids, now they were raising their grandkids, too.

But they were old, and tween-agers are a handful. More than once, the 3 boys got into enough trouble on the property, one car was wrecked and their fithwheel caught fire. Eventually, they all moved off property. But not before the stress of it all took their health. Regardless of what those boys did - to the property or our parents health - my sister continued to use them as babysitters.

My dad and his wife were retired and had health issues that require doctors appointments. When they couldn't drive themselves anymore, my sister started doing it. I hadn't lived within 200 miles of them for 40 years, so I called and checked in with the rents, but I didn't and don't talk to my sister.

Once it came down to having to do the hard stuff at the end, yep - she had to carry the burden of it all. I had moved to Colorado years ago and she was still down the road.

I made my leave with dad before he departed, but I never forgave my sister for making him feel trapped in his own home when he should have been fishing in the Colorado River with me.

Anyway, you asked. My vent. Thanks for letting me get it out there.

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TravelerMSY@reddit

It usually falls on the one unlucky enough to have never moved away from home.

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StJmagistra@reddit

I have three sisters. Two don’t live in this state. One lives twenty to thirty minutes away and has had significant mental and physical health problems since puberty. I am the one who helps my parents with the stuff that’s harder for them to do now, like changing bedsheets, etc. When my mom battled cancer a few years ago, I was the one who stayed overnight to help my dad care for her when her chemo fog was at its worst.

My sisters do what they can, but I’m the one who’s here. All I would accomplish by resenting that reality would be to worsen my own mental health.

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ZippyNomad@reddit

They didn't want to believe me that my wife is chronically ill, who I'm currently caring for by myself with no support circle and no positive outlook. It's been 8 years now. One sibling offered to walk my dogs, which isn't as helpful as they think. I needed someone my wife could trust to be present with her. But they were too busy being shitty with my ex.

My parents & siblings didn't care about what I am dealing with even though I was trying to reach out. So they can figure out that shit by themselves. I am done.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

I understand. People just disappear when someone gets sick.

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croissant_and_cafe@reddit

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

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Low-Teach-8023@reddit

My mom doesn’t really need any help right now (physically or financially) but my sister (and her adult children) lives five minutes away and I live over 3 hours away. My sister doesn’t work and I do. I will go home more often and stay longer when I retire in a few years.

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Trelin21@reddit

I was the opposite. I live 3-4000 miles away in a different country and she lived an hour away. I did all the care, support, and visited more than she did. By 10x easy.

Yet my mother’s passing she flooded social media with the loss and sadness of it.

Hard not to be bitter. No idea what she was going through, but she didn’t give them the time of day.

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xjeanie@reddit

For me it’s complicated. My brother and I had homes built next door to each other. We grew up this way so it seemed normal to us and natural. When our father needed assistance I immediately offered for him to move in with us.

That in itself was a complicated situation for him. He left is second wife. He needed a triple bypass. Complex situation. I didn’t think twice really. After his surgery and recovery he could have moved anywhere he’d wanted. He didn’t want to leave and we didn’t want him to either. 17 years together before he passed. While my brother lived next door and we saw each other virtually every day he didn’t really assist any of the care our father needed over those years. It was my job. Much later he needed assistance showering and that really bothered him that his daughter was the one to help with that. He’d be a little angry and say his son is who should be helping in that task since we was right next door. I tried very hard to make it a more comfortable situation for him and me. Saying that it’s just the human body and we all have one type of thing. But I knew he felt my brother should have been helping more. Oh well.

I love my brother. Maybe he thought he’d be stepping on my toes. I don’t know. I’ve never brought it up to discuss it. I’m just thankful for the years we had together.

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RaulDuke_76@reddit

For me it was a proximity issue. Both my sisters have moved away so that left me looking after our dad as his Parkinson’s progressed. It was really tough to do alone (his wife was almost no fucking help, and I didn’t want dad to have a legal will and so on).

When dad passed I was nearing the end of my rope. It had been 2 or more years of struggles, falls, and emergency room visits. I was seeing a councillor, and had stated anti anxiety meds but I still felt like I was losing ground mentally and emotionally.

I told this to my sisters and fortunately they really help a lot with the end of life arrangements, planning and estate executorship.

But I think I’ll likely end up in the same situation with mom. I’m the eldest and have always borne a lot of responsibility, I am not looking forward it but I’m almost certain it’s coming.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

Rough go. I understand Parkinson’s is brutal. (My dad has heart failure, also a grind.)

If you do end up caring for your mom, I hope your sibs assist in some way.

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bizzybaker2@reddit

I live 1800 km away in another province.

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TinyPinkSparkles@reddit

My sibling lived close to my parents—they all moved a couple states away. So yes, most of it fell to them. But, I was there for the most difficult, final 3 weeks of my mom’s life and helped move my dad into memory care.

That being said, my spouse and I were primary caregivers for their parent with dementia for 7 years, with no siblings in sight, so I get the question.

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W_HoHatHenHereHy@reddit

I moved states away because it was always clear that I was the odd one out and clearly treated as such. I did what I could fit out parents, but I certainly wasn’t going to blow up my functional family of choice for my family of origin.

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lsp2005@reddit

We hired people to help with my in laws. So on a day to day level, it is outsourced. Before that, my BIL lives ten minutes away and we live out of state. So we call every two days. Arrange appointments, speak with the doctors and lawyers. My BIL takes them to the appointments. We then have a call and discuss what to do. I make a list of questions to ask the doctor. I order clothing. I dealt with the insurance and things that can be taken care of from afar. But my BIL takes care of things in the house, like light bulbs, fixing the toilet, home maintenance. We coordinated on line food ordering. He makes sure things are delivered and their fridge is cleaned out/eaten. We encourage him to take vacations (he does) and will come to make sure he has those in person breaks when he needs it every few months.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit (OP)

That is helping! Big time!

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