ULPT Request: ways to hypothetically scare off buyers of my dream house

[-]

DVsKat@reddit

Write a letter to the owners. First find out some background info about the owners and play to their sympathies in your letter. Stretch the truth. That's the unethical part. Maybe they are sentimental about their house. Some folks like that will take a lower bid from a person who they want to see living in their former home.

[-]

Every_Baker3206@reddit

you could hire a couple homless guys to stick around the place on visitation days. u can also hire friends and family to accidentily make a scene portraying them as neighbours \^\^

[-]

boberry_biscuits@reddit (OP)

What seems like fair compensation for that. 200 to loiter and a 500 dollar bonus if they get arrested on the property?

[-]

DVsKat@reddit

If they get arrested, that means your actors are now gone.

[-]

Timmerdogg@reddit

You're far too generous. I'm thinking two four locos and a few packs of smokes

[-]

blammergeier@reddit

two four locos

Is that ocho locos?

[-]

FauxmingAtTheMouth@reddit

I think it’s dos four locos

[-]

iDontLikeChimneys@reddit

Yeah for $200 and some booze I'd take the day off. Seems like a fun gig

[-]

bzsempergumbie@reddit

Dude you can't give a homeless guy $200 to do any job or they'll just disappear.

[-]

Locksmithbloke@reddit

Tell them the hooch will be delivered to them, every hour, then have a delivery rider drop it off. They'll stay. And pay at the end.

[-]

iNapkin66@reddit

Yeah, gotta do something like that to keep them around.

[-]

iDontLikeChimneys@reddit

Net 90 them.

[-]

Every_Baker3206@reddit

Couple bottles of booze and 200 bucks if they manage to complete the sitting?

[-]

majarian@reddit

Well, we are being unethical, so either buy em a bottle of whiskey or a case of beer each and drop it off well they're just there hanging out, it'll ad to the image

[-]

iDontLikeChimneys@reddit

Gives slipping Jimmy vibes.

If you are going to do something like this, make it a spectacle. The more eyeballs questioning what is going on will be good for your end goal of securing the house.

[-]

OwnTurn1146@reddit

I might throw in a couple burgers just so they dont get too drunk. And to justify to myself using homeless people for nefarious purposes.

[-]

Every_Baker3206@reddit

Honestly have no clue

[-]

OwnTurn1146@reddit

Please dont incentivize(sp?) them to get arrested. That would open a whole other can of worms. They'll have more trouble getting a job. Courts would take most or all of the money so they won't actually benefit at all, etc.

[-]

AMurderOfCrows_@reddit

in other words, it would be....

unethical?

[-]

OwnTurn1146@reddit

Touché. But everyone has limits on unethical things, right?

[-]

reddit_is_addicting_@reddit

Great idea, hire homeless people to hang around the property you want. So when you buy the house the homeless people know where you live. Nothing can possibly go wrong with this idea

[-]

apersonthingy@reddit

You could find an actual homeless person to do it for $30

[-]

SaneIsOverrated@reddit

If OPs offer got rejected for a higher cash one, they're not doing any more open houses.

Straight up b&e to sabatage before the home inspection is the only way the buyer is backing put at this stage. And probably have to like actual costly damage. Don't recommend it though. Even if you get them to back off you'd still have to beat out any other cash offers waiting in the wings. And if you do get the house you have to pay for the repairs eventually. And hope your own financing doesn't back out over the home inspection.

[-]

apersonthingy@reddit

gif

[-]

RoboMonstera@reddit

Stuff a few shrimp in the curtain rods!

[-]

Read_it_all-7735@reddit

Were you in the army in 1998 on a small island in the pacific? The only time I had heard of this was a guy doing a prank on another guy in the army with us.

[-]

scissorsgrinder@reddit

Nah it's a classic revenge tactic.

[-]

RoboMonstera@reddit

No, but I collect these petty revenge schemes. Have never had a chance or reason to execute this one!

[-]

Read_it_all-7735@reddit

So two dudes were doing a prank war. One guy did something to piss off the other guy I think stole one of his beers out of his fridge or something like that the other guy went into his room, took all of his underwear and cut a little heart shaped out of the ass cheek. He got them all soaking wet and put them in the freezer in a block.

In retaliation, the other guy went to the first guy‘s room and carefully arranged all the furniture onto a towel that went under the door to the hallway, and as he closed the door, he pulled the towel with it, and then yanked the towel out from under the door, leaving a stack of furniture piled up against the inside of the guys door with no visible way of how it happened.

Then the first guy went back to the second guy’s room, and knowing that he was a bit of a clean freak, germophobe, stacked dry paper, towel towels, all folded it up on top of his ceiling fan and left lights and fan turned on full blast, but the power off at the switch so when the second guy came back in, it turned on his lights it threw all the dust from the ceiling fan and a bunch of dusty towels all over the room. The dude spent all weekend in his words “cleaning and sanitizing his room “

So then the second guy goes back to the first guy and hides small bait fish under his mattress, taped underneath his sink and shrimp stuffed down the curtain rods. Over the course of a few days it starts to stink like hell, and the guy finds the fish between the mattress so he gets rid of that and thinks he’s done. But the smell won’t go away. He tears the room apart and then finds the one under the sink. So it cleans and his waiting for the smell to go away but again two or three days and it’s still there. He ended up putting in to change rooms and left a large room in a kind of deluxe building to go to a smaller room and a different building. So the new guy who gets assigned to the big room that the previous guy just left had heard all about this, so he walks and pulls down the curtain rod and tosses it and order a new one online.

That’s the first only time I’ve ever heard anybody reference putting shrimp down a curtain rod. But I just Google searched it and apparently it’s a known thing.

[-]

Thirsty4Knowledge911@reddit

If old human remains were found on the property, that would cause a problem.

Bury a pig carcass in the back yard. Then call in an anonymous tip.

Having the police dig up the back yard might do it.

[-]

travisjd2012@reddit

There's a show that pretty much deals with this every episode you can watch to get ideas... It's probably available on streaming, it's called Scooby Doo

[-]

boberry_biscuits@reddit (OP)

I feel like theres a theme ongoing in that show for the outcome of said ideas. Wearing a monster suit is still a strong motivator. Any of those goons ever actually get away with it?

[-]

catsx3@reddit

They would have it if wasnt for those meddling kids.

[-]

LostViolinist122@reddit

They all would have got away too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.

[-]

travisjd2012@reddit

Even if you don't it's your one chance to finally meet The Harlem Globetrotters

[-]

finchslanding@reddit

They are over in Italy now visiting with the Pope.

[-]

boberry_biscuits@reddit (OP)

I don't know you but I love your sense of humor. You cracking me up over here through the tears.

[-]

JerseyGuy-77@reddit

Based on your avatar go with Sasquatch.

[-]

JohnHazardWandering@reddit

I'm more in in the talking dog.

[-]

HoustonBOFH@reddit

Just make sure there is a party nearby to distract those meddling kids.

[-]

Savet@reddit

All of them got away with it, until those meddling kids showed up.

[-]

londonbrewer77@reddit

Well no, but that’s because of pesky kids.

Keep them out of the equation and it’s all good.

[-]

CriscoCamping@reddit

You can borrow my screwy kids

[-]

ideapit@reddit

Wraggy?

[-]

sludge_dragon@reddit

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/s/itadqbiSFy

[-]

sintaur@reddit

I thought you were going to say breaking bad and how to buy a car wash

[-]

Jean-Claude-Can-Ham@reddit

I once posed as a contractor at an open house and loudly declared everything I saw was DIY or worse and wouldn’t last 5 years

It still went under contract but it was something I did

[-]

sparkyblaster@reddit

Always wanted to make an app/service called methead hunters.

Its like airtasker sort of thing but not for method heads, its for people who go and find meth heads. Picks them up, delivers them to the desired location, gives them money or whatever to hang around a while then drops them wherever they want to go. Obviously trying to get meth heads to be directly on the app isn't reliable.

[-]

ncrwlr@reddit

Also make a cash offer (even if you don't have/aren't planning on paying in cash), but then switch to financing. This is legal, but also has risks associated with it depending the state. Do your research.

[-]

Blaux@reddit

Wouldn’t this basically forfeit your financing contingency? If the mortgage lenders decided you are not loan worthy you would still have to buy the house in cash, or lose your earnest money

[-]

ncrwlr@reddit

Once again, depends the state.

[-]

2mustange@reddit

Did not know this. This should be used by anyone buying in a competitive area

[-]

baby_blobby@reddit

Other than a slightly faster sale or the risk of delay out falling through, the outcome is the same if it’s cash or financing

[-]

PhlegmMistress@reddit

I guess you could hire someone to lay in wait and then pass out fliers saying that he's new to the neighborhood and has to notify all his neighbors that he's a sex offender.

[-]

PhlegmMistress@reddit

Pay off the neighbors to start parking extra cars on the lawn, throwing late night loud ragers, and get teenagers to keep an eye out for when anyone shows up to the house and then have them stay ont the street and look menacing.

But if it's private equity money, you're boned. They won't give a shit.

I guess if you can figure out which inspectors the buyers' realtors commonly recommends and then pay them off to infer heavily that the buyers should pass on this house, that could be a cheaper option but riskier.

[-]

Puceeffoc@reddit

Once they move in show up and explain that you're the gardener there and that the previous owners paid you for your services up front and you enjoy doing it. So you just keep showing up and mowing their grass and doing all their landscaping for free. Keep a log of what you're doing and document it via video. Then 7 years later file paperwork to claim their land as yours since you've maintained it for 7 years. Now they have to prove to the courts that they paid you, which they didn't. So the grass and trees are now yours!

That's step 1. Reply to this comment in 6 and a half years.

[-]

MelCarmichael@reddit

Loudly mention termites on open day and an upcoming rehab centre next door.

[-]

gamamoder@reddit

rent lowering gunshots

[-]

I_Want_A_Ribeye@reddit

[-]

Random_182f2565@reddit

You win

[-]

Hello_Hangnail@reddit

Cut some holes in a sheet and skulk around the backyard

[-]

49er_bitminer@reddit

Don’t give up yet, something can go wrong. Make sure your agent has conveyed your offer to the seller and that it is the first backup offer. Sh*t happens.

[-]

deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

[-]

UnethicalLifeProTips-ModTeam@reddit

Your post or comment was removed for violating rule 1: Tips must be unethical, tips that are ethical will be removed.

[-]

mattleo@reddit

Light off a firecracker nearby house, then call police and say you heard something that sounded like gunshots

[-]

aannoonnyymmoouuss99@reddit

Watch tonight: Step brothers

[-]

TheProletariatPoet@reddit

Sounds like the book “Best Offer Wins” would really resonate with you.

[-]

SuperFLEB@reddit

Part of the problem is that you're not just up against individuals, but against investors and investment companies buying up houses.

What you're going to need to do is create a large-scale housing market crash. Go out in the middle of the night and build a whole lot of housing and price it below the current market rate, then the next day, get a load of fraudulent mortgages on them.

[-]

FauxmingAtTheMouth@reddit

But dice the debt up and repackage it fractionally so you can create and ride a bubble, selling before it bursts, then buy the investment company putting the cash offer in and fuck the CEO’s dad

[-]

AgateHuntress@reddit

Get some bed bug killer spray cans, empty the cans, and leave them scattered by the house's trash cans. That would do it for me. I'd nope the hell right out of there if I saw that.

[-]

flextov@reddit

Beetlejuice.

[-]

RedRant@reddit

If the nuclear option is on the table.... burn a cross, or a swastika into the front lawn.

[-]

Plethorian@reddit

That little library that releases a gunshot a couple times a day, randomly, sounds like a good plan.

Pay a neighbor to be crazy. For $1,000 I'd go out in the yard at 6am in my tighty-whiteys (I'd have to buy some, lol) with a leaf blower.

Stake out the place, and call your crazy neighbor when appropriate. Have her come out in curlers with a cigarette, looking pregnant, and flick the butt into their yard. Have her ask loudly if they mind kids, because "her cousin brings her 5 over, and the group gets pretty loud sometimes."

Put up posters with a notice of a pedophile in the neighborhood. You might not even have to lie on that one - do a search online.

[-]

Strict-Square456@reddit

Tell them all toilets don’t flush and theres a main line sewer issue.

[-]

Draigdwi@reddit

Scatter some syringes in the street.

[-]

dmethvin@reddit

Find out who their home inspector is and bribe them to be really picky about the inspection.

[-]

OddProgrammer1150@reddit

homeless naked crackheads running around

[-]

Read_it_all-7735@reddit

Homeless naked squatters are better.

I was reading about buying property in other countries. Apparently there is a scam where you buy beautiful beachfront property. A single family lot, connected to utilities, etc. Totally perfect. You buy it, a day later homeless people set up tents and start living there. You cant build, you cant sell it, etc. The real estate agent feels so bad that you came and invested he offers to buy it at a fraction of the value. Then he pays the homeless guys, they leave and the lot gets sold again.

[-]

tgr31@reddit

step brothers had a few good idea

[-]

RM0perator@reddit

Squatters.

[-]

Honeydipped@reddit

Send in a new offer that is more money or outdoes the cash offer.

[-]

boberry_biscuits@reddit (OP)

Gotta be ragebait lol

[-]

Tyzorg@reddit

Ok so u want ULPT? rob a bank (hypothetically of course) and use those funds with your funds to make a better offer.

Dude not trying to be a dick by any means but there's no tips on how to achieve what you're trying to do. It's the name of the game. Always a bigger fish out there.

You COULD maybe find out who owns it and if it isn't owned by a Corp and actually owned by a family try to reach out to the individual and give a sob story. But cash is king and that'll only go so far.

[-]

boberry_biscuits@reddit (OP)

Yeah just sucks. Give me 24 hrs at least to be delusional and daydream that theres a chance.

[-]

Jerking_From_Home@reddit

Write a threatening note, tie it around a rock, and pay a homeless guy to throw it through the window.

[-]

the_honest_liar@reddit

Spray paint slurs or gang tags are your car, smash up the windows, and park it near the house

[-]

finchslanding@reddit

Get a windowless van. Shrink wrap "Chris Hansen Advance Crew" on the outside and park it in front of the house.

[-]

SaltyDog556@reddit

Make friends with the neighbors, then have them be loud and annoying on purpose to scare off other buyers.

[-]

beautifulperkyladle@reddit

Cash offer sounds like an equity firm?! And there’s no way to scare them off….but yeah, if not are there crazy neighbors to be aware of?! Or you could act like YOU are the crazy neighbors from down the road on bikes arguing and cussing at one another?!

[-]

rtmfb@reddit

Organize a movement in your state to make buying single family homes as investment/rental properties illegal.

[-]

Dry_Source666@reddit

Where is this house? I won't place a bid on it... I swear

[-]

Spiderisinmyhead@reddit

Hire a neighborhood kid or two and give them a pile of firecrackers. Have them string them together in threes. Anytime they see a car pull up to the house with likely buyers, wait a minute and light them. Pop..pop..pop!

[-]

Optimal_Shirt6637@reddit

Have you watched step brothers?

[-]

thatonenativechild@reddit

I was looking for this comment! 😂 That scene was PRICELESS

[-]

BurntWaffle303@reddit

This should be the top comment.

[-]

BobDobbsHobNobs@reddit

Find out who the buyers are. Sleep with one of them (or their dad) and hope they break up and no longer want to purchase the house.

[-]

AdhesivenessOwn8111@reddit

have a 'friend' go around the neighborhood the night before and scatter some empty nips and pint bottles in the street and on the sidewalk so they are seen by people approaching the house

[-]

JohnHazardWandering@reddit

Get some crackheads to go hangout on their street.

[-]

Much-Log3357@reddit

Chris Morris. Blue Jam.

"Nice area, bit greasy"

[-]

Straight_Ace@reddit

Get a bunch of concentrated cat piss and paint that shit all along the sides of the house. If you’re wondering how you get concentrated cat piss for this project, offer to cat sit for a friend and use Crystal litter for the litter box. Solids stay on top, piss flows to the bottom

[-]

boberry_biscuits@reddit (OP)

Didn't know about ILPTs, thanks anon