So tired of living with a different personality as an expat
Posted by LuminousDee@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 128 comments
I saw Jodie Foster giving an interview in which she said that while she is fluent in French, she has a whole different personality when she speaks French: less sure of herself, less confident, more timid, more nervous. “Even my voice is different - it’s higher somehow!” she said.
How I could relate to this and how tired I am of having to LIVE with this persona! This quiet-speaking, always unsure of everything, nervous person. So tired of always having to be the one to learn and to listen, to think twice before I speak or do anything, and doubt myself, and trust that others probably know better (they don’t, they just speak louder), to never be the one in charge, the one who is listened to. I’m not looking to be the leader or anything, just tired of always being the perpetual pupil.
Has anyone successfully dealt with a similar issue in a productive or at least positive way?
macchiatospitz@reddit
I completely, completely understand you. I felt (and still feel, sometimes) the exact same way. My first months, all those nights out standing there silently in a group of people, thinking I was following along but really not. Then I got better, and could really speak eventually, but it was already too late for that city—they only knew the mute version of me, and I’d moved on.
Now I’m forced to work in the language, even though it’s supposed to be an international company, I’m the only foreigner, and it pushed me to improve even more. But a year and a half later I’m still following a few beats behind those breakneck native group conversations. I’ve become less shy about clarifying in English on a sidebar when my level just isn’t there: what’s the point of pretending to be native level anyway when I’m just not?
I know the easy thing to say is just to get better, just to spend the time, but all the years passing on the way to get better matter too.
My friends from home say I got quieter.
What can we do? It’s the path we chose. I think the only thing we can do is work to shed this fear, and speak freely, maybe badly, but without the mask. No one’s going you kill you for being imperfect.
ayrempls@reddit
Where do you live?
macchiatospitz@reddit
Italy
YetAnotherPesant@reddit
Almeno puoi trovare conforto nell’idea che per quanto tu possa faticare nel parlare fluentemente l'italiano, probabilmente non sarai mai peggio di un italiano che prova a parlare fluentemente l’inglese 😂
shawnwildermuth@reddit
It's an old adage, you'll never be as smart or funny in a second language. I think letting go of ego and fear when you're talking to people might be the trick, at least that's what I'm trying (I've been learning Dutch for a year now, and still a struggle.)
YuckyYetYummy@reddit
This is what I worry about (haven't retired/moved yet). I'd like to think a big part of my personality is my fast wit and that will just be gone with a new language.
abeorch@reddit
It will be. I now relate best to people five years and younger in Spanish. "Oh look a car!"
mp85747@reddit
O.M.G... That's funny; yet, so sad... But you know what? These are the genuine people! They're innocent! They're not gonna put you down, humiliate you, gaslight you... Umm, on second thought, maybe you should aim for those under the terrible 2! ;-)
abeorch@reddit
Im having great conversations with my friends son age two. Hes potty training.
mp85747@reddit
LOL See?!
abeorch@reddit
He thinks Im so witty.
shawnwildermuth@reddit
It will come. I have found ways to bring my personality into my Dutch, though when they don't understand me, my insecurity blows up. But I've only been learning Dutch for a year.
Pecncorn1@reddit
It also depends on where you move. Jokes or satire don't work where I live. You will mostly get a blank stare.
To OP I would say don't take yourself so seriously. I remember when I had to start speaking on the phone in my second language and I was terrified. It ended up really building my confidence in the language.
kangapaw@reddit
Same here. My humour is dry humour and when I dare use it I get people trying to argue with me about the thing I said. It really ruins the moment having to backtrack with “no no I was joking, I don’t really think that” but by that time they’ve already moved on from the throwaway joke I made and just think I’m weird.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Yes, 100%
Mission-Mulberry-501@reddit
Omg I understand what you're saying. This part is annoying 😀
Mission-Mulberry-501@reddit
No it won't. It will just take about 15 years of practice 😉 English is my third language and I have mostly forgotten my 2nd language altogether, while the mother tongue is rarely used in the last 14 years.
NomenklaturaFTW@reddit
It's impossible to be as erudite or funny, but it is so satisfying making people laugh in another language. It's one of those things that makes learning other languages worth it for me!
ArbaAndDakarba@reddit
Yeah I got to this point in German and it was such a win.
NomenklaturaFTW@reddit
I mean, you made Germans laugh. You must have successfully incorporated Schadenfreude. Lol
ArbaAndDakarba@reddit
The joke I remember was that my boss came in asking if we had room for a rack and I asked if he meant a stretching rack.
Significant-Trash632@reddit
That's pretty good 🤣
mp85747@reddit
And if you happen to make the gigantic mistake of returning to your so-called "home" country after half a lifetime abroad, you won't be as smart and funny there, either! You don't know their references; they don't know yours. You want to use different idioms, jokes, you name it and nobody knows them or cares to know them, so everything falls flat. Their lives, joys, problems, worries are not the same. It's like you're a different species.
Speaking the language fluently after all, though, creates expectations that you're just like them, have always been there, should know how everything works... while you're as clueless as any other foreigner! That's why you can't relate to other expats, either, because they are treated better and don't speak the language, so not only are they not aware of their surroundings, but they're also helped, unlike you! That might not be the same in all countries, but it certainly is in the shittier ones and it's been shared by quite a few people.
Somebody was planning to leave his decent life in the US to move to a crappy country he left at the age of 8! because he "felt" he "belonged" there and his grandma was about to turn 100, so she'll be gone any minute now! I don't remember if he mentioned that detail, but he likely doesn't even speak the language. There are all kinds of unreasonable "reasons" to do crazy things, but that was the definition of insanity itself! I really hope something saves him from his own stupidity.
shawnwildermuth@reddit
I think may be true, but this was much truer (sp?) before the Internet. When I lived in Amsterdam in the '90s, there was a real gap in culture (in '93 they were listening to songs from '89 for example). But I think you're mostly right.
peladoclaus@reddit
I'm way more fun in Spanish than my native English
aroused_axlotl007@reddit
I actually feel like I'm funnier in English than in my native language at this point. It is possible but takes a long time.
Tiny-Worldliness-313@reddit
Salma Hayek also says she is funnier in Spanish.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Isabel Allende also says she is very funny in Spanish :)
bruhbelacc@reddit
I love being a foreigner who speaks the language perfectly. I imagine they think how good I am from the very first sentence because I've learned it to such a high level. Being different is a strength, just like a professor is different in a room full of students.
KW_ExpatEgg@reddit
As soon as local compliments your language ability, you know that it’s not “high level.”
mp85747@reddit
I agree with you. It's "high level" when you're accepted as an equal and nobody feels the need to mention that.
bruhbelacc@reddit
But people do feel the need to mention it when they've never seen a foreign speaker speaking without mistakes, for example, or having this register. You can pretend people don't notice your accent but that's really the first thing that someone notices about you. From then on, you're judged based on other non-native speakers they've heard.
mp85747@reddit
I agree about the accent and I've talked about this before; however, having an accent, which most have, foreign or not, is not the same as speaking grammatically incorrectly or saying things like "fixin' to do something", "I have went", "I had my hair did", "I'm talking with A womEn", like many native speakers do. Ghetto language is also "native", isn't it?! Do foreigners strive to sound like that? I'd bet that any educated native speaker would prefer listening to a slight foreign accent than to a broken and barely understandable "native" one.
bruhbelacc@reddit
Nope, I've been told "I can't hear any mistakes", "That's so impressive" many times, people shocked at what age I've moved, and that people's first impression is that I speak the language really well. But that's different from "Wow, where are you from, you speak it well!" when you managa to say hellol
we_have_food_at_home@reddit
In my experience this hasn't been true; the compliments just shift. The started as, "Hey, your Spanish is really good!" And now they're like, "How the fuck did you learn to speak Spanish so well?"
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
People usually ask me if I moved here when I was still a child. That’s a giveaway genuine compliment.
frogview123@reddit
Curious, what’s your native language and what did you learn?
My native language is English and I learned Japanese. I’ve studied for years and my level is probably objectively pretty high, but I have nowhere near the confidence you have. I had more confidence when I was much worse at the language…
bruhbelacc@reddit
A Slavic and a Germanic language. I have confidence because I hear native speakers making grammar mistakes all the time. I'm just really good at it.
PurpleFar6235@reddit
That's just an ego thing. You gotta let that go and just be in your new language. Don't worry about what others think, because frankly they aren't thinking much or at all about you.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
It’s not about me wanting to be perceived by others in a certain way. It’s more about me feeling worn out of being treated in a certain way bc people make assumptions. It’s like being tired of having to wear kids clothes that don’t fit and having to watch others (who are not even as tall as I am, metaphorically speaking) dress like an adult.
PurpleFar6235@reddit
You still are worrying about what others think with that response. Don’t worry and just be yourself. It takes time, but you’ll be fine.
Consistent-Barber428@reddit
That is the expat life. We ARE different because virtually all the inputs are different and it changes us. We want to fit in and be liked so we adopt elements of our new culture and, yes, we seem not as smart in our new language. Part of the game. It’s how millions of immigrants to the US, and elsewhere, have felt for hundreds of years.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Yes, it is. It is a choice, for sure. “I choose my choice!” as Charlotte said in Sex and The City. Just looking to make it a bit more palatable, being smarter about it.
Consistent-Barber428@reddit
The thing most of us get wrong is expecting that anyone cares. They don’t. We all arrive expecting to be embraced. But why should we be? No one asks us to come. Many don’t want us to, and most are, at best, indifferent. Being able to handle that—to exist comfortably in a liminal space between hostility and indifference—is key to being a successful immigrant. We come for our own reasons and locals stare curiously. Not being able to live that way is why most immigrants who come by choice rather than necessity fail.
parnassus744@reddit
Exactly. In the end, it comes down to a shrug-your-shoulders-and-move-on thing for us expats. The question is how well we are able to that or not. I get vexed by various expat trials and tribulations, many just little, everyday annoyances, but overall I’ve done well at always focusing on the big picture and its positives: The expat experience has given me a whole second culture and many layers of knowledge, perspective, nuance and also worldliness I would simply not have otherwise acquired.
Mannimal13@reddit
Do yoga...pump iron. Works for me at least.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Yoga, eh! As I’m trying to follow their instructions and understand how exactly I can to reach my eye lids back “to touch the throat” or “unhinge” my jaw. Not nervous at all, haha, jk!
Legitimate-Error-633@reddit
This is 100% recognisable. I’m fluent in English, write professional marketing articles for my employer even, but there will always be this little delay, some pauses here and there, that slows it down.
Humour especially can be challenging because timing is so important.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Yes on pause and delay! How are you doing with the yoga/pilates/fitness instructor’s directions? That’s a tricky one for me!
Cojemos@reddit
Sounds like an issue that is being masked as this. Look deeper.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
I’m sure there’s some truth to it too.
elevenblade@reddit
This is a great topic for discussion. My native language is English. I learned Swedish as an adult. I’ve said many times that I feel I’m a 5% nicer person when I speak Swedish. I don’t know the reason for this but I feel like it is a good thing.
I’m pretty sure this is a big part of the reason that English speaking / non-Swedish speaking immigrants have a tough time making friends here. Most Swedes speak excellent English but my impression is that they don’t feel they are expressing their genuine selves with it. For what ever reason this doesn’t seem to be an issue for me going the other way.
mp85747@reddit
This reminds me of another thread. In this one, quite a few people share that they miss the ability to push back, argue, etc., while in the other one, when I half-jokingly (because it's true) said that it's wonderful when a foreign spouse and in-laws don't have a common language because they can't argue and fight, I got downvoted! ;-)
Also, a few comments up somebody was happy about a policy in his workplace requiring switching to English if somebody in a group doesn't understand others' common language because that works to his advantage. I highly doubt he'd be thrilled if he's forced to speak a foreign language in his own country.
We're all such hypocrites, aren't we?!
Falafel80@reddit
You’ve hit the nail in the head. Even Swedes, who speak excellent English, often don’t feel like their true selves speaking a foreign language.
whysweetpea@reddit
I soooo get it - I lived in Germany for 6 years and although I got good enough to work in German at the company where I started, I never got good enough to get a better job.
I talked to a friend about it who did her teaching degree there and started teaching in a school. By most standards she is fluent in German but she felt like she was always on the back foot, not only linguistically but culturally. There were soooo many things that she just didn’t know because she didn’t grow up there. Things like how team meetings work, how socialising works, how to find things out, etc etc. It’s obvious to everyone else, but not to us.
I now work in a global company where the majority of employees are foreign and there is a policy of “if not everyone in the group speaks your language, you have to switch to English” and I am ✨myself✨ there. Funny, solution-oriented, confident in my knowledge, supportive. The difference is massive.
mp85747@reddit
Well, other people likely don't think it's supportive... That policy happens to be to your advantage because your native language became the lingua franca of the world.
Decades ago, there was an attempt to push Esperanto as international language, but it didn't work. That would've been fair to everybody. Esperanto is a quite simplified language, though, and it likely wouldn't have been sufficient in work environments, even if it became popular.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
100%
SicParvisMagnaaa@reddit
It feels like a different personality because it's simply how you're adapting to limitations on your expression. You have a lot more to show than you actually can in your second language so the way you're restrained and live with it comes across as a new personality but it isn't really. It's not just social anxiety either, nobody is going to be happy being a muted version of themselves indefinitely.
The only real solutions to this are becoming as close to native-level fluency as possible which is insanely difficult or joining an expat-bubble where you can speak comfortably in your native language or English which is what most immigrants do.
mp85747@reddit
I recall reading about some Russian art critic. She was saying: in Russian, I could talk about this painting for an hour; in French, for 5 minutes... It sounded so sad, I remembered it.
Subterraniate2@reddit
You have to adopt the fiendish Nabokov strategy. Become more polished and supple in your second language than any mere native speaker.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
I read that Nabokov grew up in an English speaking household. He had an interesting life of a perpetual expat/immigrant for sure.
mp85747@reddit
I didn't know he was of such privileged background, nobility really.
"Much to his patriotic father's disappointment, Nabokov could read and write in English before he could in Russian."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vladimir_Nabokov
Bettinatizzy@reddit
Indeed. But then the issues are reversed. I’ve spent 43 years away from my home country, and now I have to brush up on my mother tongue when I speak with old friends and family.
Artichoke-Rhinoceros@reddit
Welcome to how it feels being neurodivergent. Instead of bemoaning it, maybe learn from it.
lamppb13@reddit
I've noticed there's two distinct types of people when it comes to this.
There are those who desperately want to be just as articulate and eloquent in their second language as they are in their first. They obsess over it, and feel defeated by every mistake. They begin to take on these mistakes as part of who they are, thus forming a secondary persona.
Then there are those who recognize and accept that they are going to make mistakes, and they say to themselves "who gives a shit?" and just go for it. They don't let the fact that they don't always have the words stop them from communicating what they need to because they recognize that words aren't the only way to communicate.
I think it's all about accepting that you will make mistakes, and that you won't always be able to explain yourself to the depths that you can in your native language.
bruhbelacc@reddit
The problem with the second group IMO is that it ignores plenty of mistakes and never learns certain rules. If you think it's enough to be understood, then you won't learn grammar rules that don't hinder comprehension, like articles in some languages, some word order etc.
mp85747@reddit
It's also a problem when other people don't correct you, which is often the case with a spouse and family of native speakers. They think they're nice and polite, but that's a counterproductive favor.
lamppb13@reddit
That's a generalized assumption you are making based on what I assume is past experience. However, I've known plenty of people who actively learn from their mistakes. In fact, more often than not, I've seen people in the second group learn far more than the first because they aren't shying away from conversation.
Recognizing and accepting that you will make mistakes doesn't mean that you are refusing to learn. It's simply not letting fear of judgment hold you back from connecting with people.
bruhbelacc@reddit
Well the point is, a lot of people give a shit. I'm not saying don't talk, but it's normal to be more cautious and it's normal to Google words and constructions 10+ times a day until you really know you're saying it right.
lamppb13@reddit
You are misunderstanding the point in the text you quoted. It's not that this group doesn't care that they don't know some things. It's that they don't let it keep them from getting out there and speaking with people, which is where they will learn the most.
I'm not saying it's not normal to be more cautious. In fact, I said there are two distinct groups from what I've seen. Meaning a lot of people feel the same as OP. I'm pointing out the differences between the two groups of people. One group feels suppressed because they worry about getting everything right, while the other doesn't because they put those worries to the side. It doesn't mean they stop trying to learn or don't care about getting better. It just means they accept the fact that they will make mistakes and don't let that hold them back.
curacaosauce@reddit
Why does my brain worry about coming across as dumb when I speak my second language Dutch at work? I wish I could be like " who cares "
mp85747@reddit
Because you want to sound as smart and competent as you are and they likely will be talking over you and won't take you as seriously as they should. It's perfectly understandable...
I had a boss who was talking so slowly (native speaker) and selecting her words so carefully, that even though I was the foreigner, I was tempted to finish her sentences. People don't typically have much patience with foreigners, though, unless they happen to be their bosses.
lamppb13@reddit
It's pretty natural to worry about sounding dumb. No one wants to sound dumb. But there's something to be said for being able to have the mindset of "I may sound dumb, but I know I'm not. I can show it in other ways."
curacaosauce@reddit
That's great advice. Thank you. I have to work on figuring out the other ways in which I already show that I'm not dumb
lamppb13@reddit
I've got the same problem. Easier said than done, as they say.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Funnily enough, I’m also learning Japanese at the moment. Just for fun! I simply find the whole process enjoyable. It’s so different from my first and second languages, and it never even occurred to me to aim for fluency. I know I won’t be fluent and I’m not interested in trying. Just as you said, I think: “who gives a shit!” I feel so free when I speak Japanese. No rules, no expectations, just pure fun.
mp85747@reddit
Here's a sweet story about French in Spain. I was gonna go on a trip to Barcelona and the French Riviera. I always tried to learn a bit of the language of the country I was going to. It was a fun part of the anticipation, but in this case there was a choice to be made between two languages (Spanish wouldn't have been ideal in Barcelona anyway) and I chose French. There were all kinds of people whose languages I understood or spoke a little bit there and my poor brain was going nuts communicating with them and then, all of a sudden, I was waiting for a train and there was an old French couple next to me and I was eager to try my pitiful French for the first time. ;-)
They were so kind and patient (they were from Lion, not from Paris), but we ran out of things to talk about way before the train arrived. They wanted to keep talking, though! While on the train, the old guy was drawing pictures, pointing to things and telling me the words. At the end, they they even told me to look them up if I'm ever in Lion. That was a very encouraging experience going to France for the first time after hearing not too positive, let's say, opinions about the French and speaking French with them. ;-)
mp85747@reddit
You know what I noticed throughout the years. At first, I deliberately simplified my thoughts and was expressing myself correctly the way I can, not exactly the way I want. However, little by little, my thoughts just became simpler than they used to be on their own... I just became less eloquent and kind of dumber... very much fluent, but still dumber... I don't believe that was perceived the same way by other people per se and nobody has ever said so (I'm talking about the US, though, and the US is one of the exceptions, not the rule), but I certainly felt it.
Winter_Whole2080@reddit
Oh when I speak French my personality changes. I become like Pépé LePeu around women. Ooooo la laa. Mon petite baguette..
truffelmayo@reddit
*ma petite baguette
Winter_Whole2080@reddit
Zut alors! Masculine vs feminine always gets me
Big-Entertainer2074@reddit
I get where you’re coming from but that mindset of being the perpetual student who isn’t sure of themselves is a choice. I’m saying this as someone who bumbled her way through basic German and as someone who is currently working towards fluency in Dutch. I choose to confidently say things in Dutch and if someone corrects the words I use for better ones (which they do often), then I thank them with a smile and carry on. It’s about choosing to be confident and show up in that new language. Yes, I get tired of not being fully myself in Dutch but I’m working on it because my joy in life is worth it.
curacaosauce@reddit
I am also living in the Netherlands and struggle with Dutch. My this is, I have this weird fear of making mistakes when I speak Dutch. Thats in the way of me being confident. Everytime I'm in a conversation I'm worrying about wether my grammar is correct or not. I don't know how to stop this and just blurt whatever comes out and not care about wether the person I am talking to thinks I'm dumb or not because I make grammar mistakes in Dutch. Especially at work, I fear clients and colleagues might not take me serious because of it.
Big-Entertainer2074@reddit
This is totally understandable and I felt the same way the first year. I recommend learning and perfecting the sentence “Ik ben Nederlands aan het leren, corrigeer me alsjeblieft als mijn grammatica of woorden verkeerd zijn.” I’ve gotten a lot of help this way from people in my neighborhood and whenever I’m out and about. You’re not dumb; you are learning a very difficult language. You got this!! Also, if it helps you feel better - my first Christmas here I tried to tell my MIL that her tree topper was nice but ended up telling her that the tree cock was pretty (“De kerst boom pik is mooi” Instead of “De kerst boom piek is mooi”). 😂
curacaosauce@reddit
Ahhahahahahahaha that's so funny! I have a similar story. In my language, a straw is called "pipa". So I asked someone at a restaurant once " mag ik een pijpje"? Which I think sort of sounds like " Can I have a blow job?" Thanks for the tip btw :).
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
I’ve heard that Dutch is notoriously difficult!
gowithflow192@reddit
It isn't. It may be the easiest language to learn for native English speakers.
curacaosauce@reddit
I have a constant worry about doing the lidwoorden wrong.
kangapaw@reddit
Same but I don’t think anyone cares. All it indicates is that you are not a native speaker, not that you’re bad at Dutch.
gowithflow192@reddit
Ah nobody cares. I get them wrong all the time until eventually they just stuck.
curacaosauce@reddit
Ahh. I think I worry too much about how I am perceived by the other person as dumb
gowithflow192@reddit
I do the same, it’s tough for sure
kangapaw@reddit
Agreed. I don’t know where this idea comes from that Dutch is so difficult. For English speakers at least it’s extremely similar
gowithflow192@reddit
I think it may be the way it looks and how it sounds it puts people off. It doesn’t look as easy as Spanish more phonetic might seem at first.
Come_sit_by_myfire@reddit
I think you mean Danish! Brutal guttural language … and don’t get me started on their numbers!!
Beats_Satchel@reddit
Agreed. After over 20 years, I always still have to think for a sec when hearing numbers above 20! 🙈
LadySwire@reddit
I always say I feel like Sofia Vergara in Modern family when she says: do you even know how smart I am in Spanish?
0x18@reddit
This was also done in 30 Rock, with Salma Hayek exclaiming "You do not know how funny I am in Spanish!"
Hummingbird136@reddit
When I spoke French people laughed all the time.
Late-Mountain3406@reddit
I was really funny in Spanish my whole life. It took me 15 yrs of living in the US to be funny and confident in English!
OP every immigrant that moved to the US goes thru the same as you. It just takes time to build the courages in a different language. Many immigrants from Latam are lawyer and Engineers in their country. In the US they might be working at Walmart. Imagine what they go through.
synatyx@reddit
Lol on point 😂
kevurb@reddit
I think one’s personality comes through despite being less fluent in a language. If you’re a polite, caring person, people in the other language notice that. Likewise if you’re quick to act impatiently and get frustrated, that also comes through.
For me, living in a multilingual context means I have to feel comfortable with my current state in the language and try not to get grumpy about it. Not excellent in the language? Study more. Feel like your true (shining, brilliant, charming) self isn’t being seen? Prioritize language learning over whatever else is not so necessary. You can do it!
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
I try to do exactly that bc well, what else ca you do? Been doing it for most of my adult life. It just feels good to share the burden, see that you are not alone in this and maybe pick up a few good tips on how to lighten it up a bit.
curacaosauce@reddit
This is so freaking relatable. I have so much anxiety because of this. Thank you for posting.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
And thank you for posting. I feel seen.
General_Will_1072@reddit
Same here and I live in Germany. I can be a lot more forceful and hard hitting in English but people won’t listen or take you seriously. I’ve a friend who also said the same thing after he started working in an international English speaking environment. In meetings he can easily demolish Germans and their bullshit if the conversation is in English
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
At least the anglophones have that advantage over the rest of the world. English is the language everyone switches to (whether it is your native or) when in a multilingual group.
ravenmortal@reddit
Interesting point. I try to give myself grace by thinking about it in terms of real age. I am a native English speaker learning Spanish only for about 5 years. So how well did I speak English as a 5 year old? How did I sound? Did I get frustrated expressing certain things? Throw a tantrum or two? Maybe high pitched, nervous? Lol. Right?
But we kept going! Then spoke like a 10year old, then a 15 year old. Then soon, dark or risqué sense of humor like a 19 year old…
Once I can laugh at myself, it humbles me.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Yes, laughter helps!
swarleyknope@reddit
David Sedaris writes about this in “Me Talk Pretty One Day”
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
I’ll check it out, thanks!
winery_bound_expat@reddit
this is one of the things i think about most with my italy move plan honestly. i'm still learning and even on video calls with my tutor i can feel it happening — suddenly i'm this weirdly polite, overly agreeable version of myself that i don't recognize at all. in english i'll happily argue about wine with strangers for an hour but in italian i just nod and say si si si because i don't have the words to push back yet. the jodie foster thing is so real, my voice literally goes up an octave when i switch
Choice-Technology148@reddit
Lately I’ve felt the urge to find a partner. I’ve realized that I need someone who speaks fluent English. Preferably as their mother tongue. I wouldn’t have said this a few years ago, but I know now that I won’t be able to be myself if they don’t understand me 100%.
RoundAd4247@reddit
I have never felt this. This seems to be typical for anglophones who only learn their second language as adults. You need to think in the language you’re speaking, not translating from your own.
Do any of you “expats” read literature and poetry in your second language (ot even your first)? That is the best way to learn not only vocabulary and phrases, but various registers, the sense of humour typical to the language etc.
RMiranda@reddit
For me it's not that I feel less when not speaking my native language, but when I'm back home I feel much more confident, friendly and social.
Tricky_Hamster_285@reddit
I have felt the same in Germany for 5 years and now feeling the same in Poland for 5 years. I try to remember how grateful I am to live as I do and to always learn new things. Hang in there. I totally understand 😊
HVP2019@reddit
Maybe you just need more time. I migrated 25 years ago. Sure I still speak with an accent but over the years it’s become easier for me to express myself in local language, my vocabulary is more current… while I’ve lost some of fluency in my native language, many current words I don’t even know how to say in my native language.
Also back home i sometimes felt a bit awkward, for no apparent reason. In my host country my normal awareness can be attributed to me being a foreigner. lol. I genuinely do not mind to be an immigrant.
LuminousDee@reddit (OP)
Yes! That’s one of the few gifts of being a foreigner - you get many things slide bc people just assume you’re a foreigner, so naturally you are a bit off.
allegrovecchio@reddit
Not trying to be a jerk, but maybe some humbling is a really good lesson? I guess I think about ego a lot, which isn't for everyone, and I sincerely am not trying to minimize how much this is affecting you.
Super_Mario7@reddit
quite the opposite for me
buitenlander0@reddit
My wife relates to you, but she is very articulate. I on the other am not the most articulate, and I think it's a strength in learning foreign languages. I'm content speaking like a neanderthal, and people still understand me and I feel are genuinely glad to converse with me, even if it's not the highest level
djmom2001@reddit
I wish someone could record me and I could play it back and listen to how i sound. I think it would be hilarious.
djmom2001@reddit
Very much so but you have to just be willing to make more mistakes. Your French friends won’t care as much as you think. If they do, just move along and find new people. In reality there will be some French people who enjoy American personalities and are willing to tolerate our learning curve, and then some that will be turned off. And that’s ok.
Once you allow yourself to make mistakes you will have a lot more room in your brain to process where the conversation is going and see the humor in things , or have interesting reactions just like you did in the US.
Sometimes I completely stall out in French and can barely put a sentence together, and sometimes I’m really funny. Just never know who I’ll be each day.
apbailey@reddit
Is it a different personality or just an extension of your existing personality that you hadn’t yet discovered until you moved?
VicemanPro@reddit
I completely get what you mean but some of the other comments hit the nail on the head.
What you're really dealing with is insecurity and fear. Fear of judgement perhaps or insecure about not looking intelligent in your second language.
Therapy could be helpful and it did help me, but what's best is just making local friends who don't give a shit. Speak badly but confidently to them and let it flow. The confidence comes with time.
I've learned Spanish since I was a child in school since 2nd grade. But I still struggled when I moved to Mexico as I had forgotten alot. Since then I've spent about 7 years in LATAM and speak pretty fluently, I still struggle with confidence but not nearly as bad as a couple years ago despite making maybe 5% improvement in my Spanish.
I make an active choice everyday to fight through and overcome my insecurities, and I think you should too.
Cerborus@reddit
Try stopping whinging. It's bound to help
External-Pollution78@reddit
I have been living in Latin American countries since 1998. Am on my 3rd one now as a resident. When I first started out I only had high school Spanish & the joke amongst (permanent) Americans where I was was that were the ones in high school Spanish class saying 'when am I ever going to need this?' but I was out on the streets, trying, stumbling with my Spanish, asking what 'a thing' was 'en Español' and tried to be a little better every day.
Big_NO222@reddit
Go home?