I was only 78 but born in Hogsnort, Tennessee to parents Bubba-Billy-Bob-Backhair Tubby Barrow the IVth and Sweet-Babycheeks-Irma Rae. Momma and Daddy raised us eight girls and nine boys with the four baby bears they adopted, so my first pet's name was "OUCHTHATHURTS" and my second pet's name was "STOPEATINGMYFOOT.” My third pet’s name was “DONTEATTHEBABY” and our fourth pet’s name was “GETOUTTHEDANG'OLICEBOX.” When they were about to reach full grown, they all four suddenly disappeared one night. But boy were the stews good and meaty for a while after the bears went off to live “on their own.” We went to first grade where Miss Lillyputious Clarece Beehive taught us to read and write good with math stuff too. But I may've only been 77…. Anyways, that was before I met my first girlfriend Opheliaius Handsoutius Flowersforeveryoneius. We met in fifth grade at Broke Brick Elementary school where Mrs. Stubbedtoe Gangrene taught. But Opheliaius she liked to hand out flowers and teach people what they were good for, and her phone number was 804-867-5309. I can even remember which street she grew up on called Dirt Rd. I grew up closer to the river on Slickmud Rd. Our favorite song on the radio was “Oh My God How Many Times Can They Play This” and the song we hated most was always “OLD MCDONALD HAD A BRIDGE AND NOW ITS FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN! OLD MACDONALD HAD A BRIDGE MY FAIR LADY.” We used to dance down at everyone’s favorite town bar - the Dew Drop Inn. Our favorite of all time band played there - the Moonshine Ketchup Good Ol'Boys All Jug & Washboard 'Cept When It's Spoons Band. My first album "Washboard's by the River In a Flood Oh God Ev'body Run!" was by them. Unless they were playing “OLD MCDONALD HAD A BRIDGE AND NOW ITS FALLING DOWN, FALLING DOWN! OLD MACDONALD HAD A BRIDGE MY FAIR LADY,” ‘cause then o’course we’d throw beer bottles at the chicken wire surrounding the stage and demand they play RAWHIDE. Then Mr. Bubba, who always wore a blue vest & red hat, he’d dance on the table & we’d all laugh.

When we were coming home from seeing the Louvre and Pyramids and Tower of Pisa and Eiffel Tower (Epcot is cool), my most severest injury ever happened one night at the Dew Drop Inn. Mr. Bubba was dancing on the table when he fell down and his nail gun shot a finishing nail straight up into my nose. It lodged up in my sinus stuff and they said I should go to the hospital. But Mr. Bubba he said he had some needle nose pliers in his truck, so we went outside and he reached up in there and grabbed it. I bled out some pretty good, but then they gave me some cow tranquilizer and everything was ok. So we went back in for more beer and some dancin’. Then we hopped in my 1814 model Studebaker Thunderbird pickup with four on the floor and five on the roof. I learned to drive stick and automatic in that car. Stick was when I was drivin’ by myself. Automatic was when I’d mash the clutch and holler “Shift” so Opheliaius Handsoutius Flowersforeveryoneius would shift for me.

We went to Broke Brick Elementary, Crumbling Cinder Middle School, and then Leaping Lava High School where we listened to the radio station WHOG, The Big Hog! Our school mascot was a lump of flaming lava (that poor kid in the mascot suit - so many didn’t make it). When we graduated we all went to our Grandparent's house. It was a tree fort up in the hoots, and we'd take turns guarding the still until "Grandma's tension tonic" was ready to be bottled. Then everybody brought us licorice and we called it the Annual Pickle Festival, our town favorite. We all ate watermelon with licorice for pickle festival. Hoo - good times. When we were all full of watermelon and celery flavored licorice, we’d go see movies. We’d get tickets and see movies except until the day I was most terrorized and scared and needed to go change my pants because we watched The Strawberry Shortcake Berry Best movie and hoo boy. I was more scaieriest even than that Killer Tomato thing. I mean, I was scared, but Opheliaius Handsoutius Flowersforeveryoneius held my hand and told me it was ok we could just eat strawberries next year with our licorice and I was mostly kinda betterer but not always. So when I got my first job making strawberry sundaes for the Annual Watermelon Festival, where everybody ate strawberries and licorice, I kinda felt like I got my revenge on all those strawberries.