For gay men in the U.S. : what is everyday life for you as a gay or bi man in the United States?

[-]

ChapterOk4000@reddit

I live in San Diego so it's just regular life, doesn't matter that I'm gay. I'm in education, but we're protected in California by law. I haven't faced discrimination here in the past 20 years of living here.

The only place I've worked and lived where I faced a lot of discrimination was when I went to Florida for grad school and the taught there one year. I won't ever step foot in Florida again. I couldn't escape fast enough.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Wow, what was it about Florida that repelled you so much regarding your gayness? I am here and it’s fine.

[-]

DoublePostedBroski@reddit

Um most days I go to work and come home. Then on the weekend I go grocery shopping.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Same here.

[-]

Littleboypurple@reddit

I wake up, go to work, do my usual 9-5, head home, sleep, and repeat.

If I got the day off, whatever I feel like unless I need to leave home. Never had anybody give me shit for being Gay. Live a relatively mundane life. I enjoy my hobbies. I don't go out much unless I really want/have to. Could it be better? Definitely. Could it be worse? Absolutely

[-]

Tomato_Motorola@reddit

I have rarely faced any serious discrimination in my daily life. I live in a very liberal area in a large city. But even in very conservative and rural areas, my boyfriend and I have almost never had any issues. I don't have any fear or worry about hate crimes or violence. Only twice in my adult life have I ever been called a homophobic slur.

I do come from a conservative, evangelical Christian family, and sadly my family doesn't want anything to do with my gay life and have refused to meet my boyfriend of 3 years. This situation is still extremely common in the United States.

[-]

TheBimpo@reddit

If you experience consistent discrimination or even violence...are you actively seeking to move abroad?

Dude, what? The illusion that "moving abroad" is either a solution, a possibility, or a safer idea than the US is just...wild to me.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

That’s why it’s an open question. Nobody has declared anything.

[-]

TheBimpo@reddit

I guess I'm curious why this even comes up as a question for you. There are gay and trans folks in my family, none of them experience violence and (AFAIK...) none of them are considering moving abroad, as if moving abroad is something possible for most? Why is this so front of mind?

[-]

HyperXanadu@reddit

your experience on behalf of your family members isn't indicative of the entire country unfortunately

[-]

2centSam@reddit

I live in a very red state. Generally no issues. But I also blend in decently well. If I weren't single, maybe it would be different, but usually no issues

[-]

malachite_13@reddit

No issues. Haven’t felt discrimination for being gay since like jr high. Have felt more issues being Latino, but even that is minimal. I attribute it to the area I am from. Alaska is a very “live and let live” kind of place.

[-]

MeasurementGood1703@reddit

I'm bi and I've lived in conservative, small town America all my life. I went to college, joined Greek Life, tried wrestling, BJJ, MMA, and other clubs to varying success. I enlisted in the Army, I have worked in manufacturing, in construction, and in automotive jobs. I haven't really ever heard of any outright hatred outside of cherry picked examples the Internet has showed me. But I've never experienced them IRL..

I have experienced something else though. Men often confessing deeply personal things about themselves completely out of the blue. Either sexual fetishes of their own, their childhood molestation in graphic detail, the times they got beaten up, all the times their wife cheated on them, racial or ethnic or religious prejudices, anxieties, body insecurities, etc. A few examples: -I was once woken up in the frat house by a brother who was in the next room over getting laid, but she walked out mid sex for reasons he didn't know and he came into my room, wakes me up, whips his cock out and just straight up asks if it was because he was too small.
In the Army barracks, a guy knocks on my door to tell me a girl he was messaging on Tinder directly asked him for a dick pic. He was asking me which of the 4 he took was the best one, most likely to impress her. All 4 of them sucked so I wound up explaining how to take a good one with a banana.
Random old guy in the YMCA sauna regales me with a story of how he killed someone in Vietnam. Dude was nearly crying. He didn't know I was in the Army either, so I get to see somebody's grandpa nearly crying with his dick hanging out in the sauna. Fun.
Black dude in the army pulls me aside to rant about how he hates whites. I'm white too. After listening to him prattle on he assures me I'm one of the good ones and he didn't mean me.
In the Army a soldier recently had a son. Dude pulls me aside. He was beaming with excitement, he said that he couldn't tell anyone else but his son's nuts were absolutely massive for a baby and he's so proud and happy for his kid. Totally unprompted.
Guy on my college wrestling team admits out of the blue that he has a pegging fetish but it doesn't make him gay at all. He expressed fear of bringing it up to his girl, and reiterated multiple times he isn't gay or even bi, and he only wants a dildo or buttplug, not a real dick inside of him. Totally unprompted. I wasn't even talking to him.
I've been called on 3 separate occasions to talk down a guy from suicide. 3 separate people too. All 3 of them were people I knew, but had barely spoken to. It's not like they were strangers, but all 3 of them knew I was bi.
Guys on my wrestling team added me to a snapchat group. They then proceed to upload a video of 2 of the guys wrestling butt naked on the bed with the rest of them standing around the bed in their underwear. No explanation given. The 2 naked guys seemed to be drunk. They didn't look like they were fucking, they genuinely looked like they were wrestling but it was hard to tell. One guy looks at the camera and was like "No! NO! Turn that off!," implying he didn't know he was being filmed. Never knew what that was about. The group chat was called something like Spring Break Dick Chuggers or something. Weird. Never got an explanation after that.

It's impossible for me to tell exactly how much of that is because I am bi. Some of those guys knew, others didn't. Some have explicitly told me they only confessed that stuff because I came out to them. Others I have no explanation for. While I don't deny that other LGBT men may have experienced violence or discrimination I have the complete opposite: radical acceptance immediately, to the point of awkwardness. I'm flattered that other guys can be so open with me but there comes a point where I'm shouldering so much emotional weight from so many other guys over time that it gets to be too much.

[-]

anypositivechange@reddit

Am a male therapist who is also gay. My practice isn’t focused on gay men or queer people specifically, but I also don’t hide that I’m gay either. I get a lot of straight male clients who I’m pretty sure open up to me specifically because they know I’m gay and are looking for another man to share their shit with in a safe non judgmental space. Lots of men out there craving intimacy but machismo culture bullshit makes it hard.

[-]

dystopiadattopia@reddit

I hate this shit. Like once you come out to somebody that makes them think "Oh, now I can reciprocate by telling that person my personal shit that I've been itching to talk about."

It's like dude, I'm sorry you don't feel like you are capable of love, or that you think you may have an illegitimate child somewhere, or that you cheated on your wife, but I'm really not interested.

(Yes, these were all real "confessions" by various people after I came out to them.)

[-]

MeasurementGood1703@reddit

It's not really the content of the confession that bugs me so much as it is the quantity of them. I don't mind being there for friends who are going through a rough time; that's what friends are for. But there's only 1 of me and a shit zillion of them. And many of them idk if I'd even consider them close friends at the time they confessed this shit to me.

[-]

dystopiadattopia@reddit

Well I must say, you got way more confessions (while also seeing more dicks) than I ever did. You must come off as a good listener lol

[-]

Over_Construction908@reddit

Your detailed comment is very helpful. You seem like a very nice person and you’re willing to support other people that are struggling.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Those are some really eventful stories. You should write a book about them…

[-]

sadthrow104@reddit

lol you sound like you have a therapist vibe or something

[-]

Scrappy_The_Crow@reddit

a gay man in America

Would you care to relate what your experience is?

Without you doing so and the way you worded it, this query kind of feels as if you're looking for responses that confirm your experience. You're explicit about looking for "consistent discrimination or even violence," but come across as pooh-poohing non-negative experience as "rosier" (which implies delusion, as in "rose-colored glasses"). Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, though.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

You’re definitely reading way too much into this. WAYYYY too much.

I purposefully left out my positive and mostly progressive experiences in order to not lead with what I live through. Left it open to let others talk.

Yeah, things aren’t always some sort of play to achieve some sort of desired outcome.

It’s simply a legitimate question.

[-]

Scrappy_The_Crow@reddit

When one asks vague questions with unclear motives, but with perceptible differences in phrasing between Side A & Side B, it leaves a lot open to interpretation. Consider that.

[-]

Effective_Coach7334@reddit

This is the first time I've ever heard someone's butthole squeaking over reddit.

[-]

GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

a gay man in America

How are you not the expert on this topic?

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

I live in a purple-ish state that leans red and the metro area where I live in is one of the gayest in the country. My specific neighborhood is gayer than the overall area.

I’ve also noticed, despite everything, an uptick in hostility towards gays in a few corners. Nothing truly egregious, but considering where I’m located, it’s a step in the wrong direction.

My own experiences as a gay man will be dramatically different than thousands of other men in America. I’m asking so as to hear from many other guys whose lived experience is radically different than mine. It’s a big and diverse country, you know?

[-]

Dubricna@reddit

America is a big place

[-]

GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

I think OP is just fishing for a date.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Uh - no

[-]

cryerin25@reddit

i feel like there are easier gay hookup subs 🤷

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Exactly.

[-]

TumbleFairbottom@reddit

It certainly is. However, most Americans aren’t like the people of Harrison, Arkansas either. It’s safe to say 95% of us aren’t bigoted jerks.

[-]

busterdog47@reddit

I am no expert ....I just live my life and love who I want.....and not bothered by anyone

[-]

Effective_Coach7334@reddit

Do you also think we all know each other? lol

[-]

BeachmontBear@reddit

Outside of the daily stress of the government and media with the shadow of what might happen looming,life is pretty quiet and uneventful. Right now though, it’s the trans people taking the blows and frankly, I am not naive about who’s next. As the memes so succinctly put it: I read the damn poem.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Bingo!

[-]

Effective_Coach7334@reddit

I live in the gayest place in America, life is pretty uneventful. But even here there are tons of ignorant people in the community so you're never out of earshot of someone being stupid.

[-]

DaveL16@reddit

Where is the gayest place in America?

[-]

TheBimpo@reddit

A GOP convention.

[-]

arcticmischief@reddit

He’s from California, so probably SF or Palm Springs. Or West Hollywood.

[-]

Dorianscale@reddit

My husband and I have noticed an uptick in homophobia in the last few years compared to before.

Our day to day lives are usually uneventful but we’ve noticed more hostile looks from people, I’ve been approached by christians trying to “save me from my lifestyle” a couple times. We had a neighbor yell slurs at us while we walked our dog a while ago. Some store employees have been pretty rude to us for no reason and we realized after the fact he noticed a 1” rainbow on a hat I was wearing. I had a coworker ask me “why does your community accept bestiality” in front of a lot of people at a team lunch and I had to get our managers involved. Our school district has removed books with gay characters from circulation calling them sexually explicit (as well as a bunch of books with racial minorities)

This is all in the last few years. Before that my husband and I went like ten years with only one or two palpable instances.

We don’t want our kids raised in this and we’re about to leave the country. We don’t experience stuff like this every day but it’s often enough that I don’t want our kids to think this is normal.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Oh dear, I’m truly sorry to hear this. It’s frustrating to get comments here from people actually saying “you’re not living in the 1950s, buddy!” As if I was saying that and as if there weren’t gay men out there who are actively suffering. I definitely know it’s not some Handmaid’s Tale hellscape for gays, but sometimes it can get really rough out there.

[-]

Legitimate_Salt_8391@reddit

fwiw, a majority of people in every state support gay rights. Outright discrimination isn't the norm

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

You definitely would never believe this is you only relied on the internet and social media. Specifically, rainbow social media.

[-]

NewburghMOFO@reddit

I've never experienced systematic, violent, or serious discrimination. I think the worse is people making nasty jokes about gays or repeating conspiracy theories while oblivious that they are saying it to a gay guy.

I get up, I go to a job I don't like, I go home and go to the gym with a guy I do like, I fill out job applications and pay bills and manage my savings. A couple weekends a year I go to Furry conventions and party with my friends.

I live in the North East and perceive the South as dangerous and violent; but I don't know how truly accurate that is. Upstate NY can be plenty redneck. My one neighbor's giant trump sign has disappeared, which pleases me.

When I lived in China in the mid 2010s a lot of other Westerners like Australians, Germans, British, would talk to my friend and I like we lived in some sort of Mad Max hellscape as two gay Americans. My friend was from the West Coast originally but had lived in a few locations. We would try and explain that in most places for average people that daily life wasn't this terror filled nightmare. It was honestly a little surprising how snide and willingly uninformed a lot of them were.

I guess I'd tell someone to save up and take advantage of the internet to find a friend who could help you get started somewhere more tolerant; then go somewhere where you can live life.

[-]

TTHS_Ed@reddit

I get up in the morning, go to work, come home in the evening, make dinner for my husband and me.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Me too.

[-]

Untimed_Heart313@reddit

My life is indistinguishable from that of a straight man, except that my girlfriend and I will both check out other people, both men and women. It has so little impact these days that apart from those closest to me, I don't tell anyone because who cares?

I was made fun of a little in high school, but nobody i really cared to associate with cared, and from then on its been smooth sailing

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

I’m really happy for you.

[-]

LeSkootch@reddit

I'm in South Florida and my day to day is as normal as it gets. Lots of gay people down here and some pretty nifty "gayborhoods," too.

[-]

goblin_hipster@reddit

I'm bi. i live in a very liberal city. I'm not exactly out--does everyone need to know my business?--but I'm also not exactly closeted. Haven't experienced any discrimination. I have a pride flag in my window.

[-]

dystopiadattopia@reddit

Day to day living? I go to work, walk the dog, hang out with friends, putter around with whatever hobby I'm pursuing half-assedly at the moment, act awkwardly in front of guys I'm interested in, and sometimes even manage to get a date. Pretty unremarkable if I'm being honest

No hookup apps for me, if that's what you're asking, but I never liked them in the first place.

But I live in a major east coast city where it's easy to be gay and live your life. If someone is rural or in a red state outside of a safe enclave, they'll likely have somewhat of a different experience.

[-]

iceandfireman@reddit (OP)

Definitely wasn’t talking about the apps at all, but I appreciate your input.

[-]

legend_of_the_skies@reddit

No one knows you date or persue men until you tell them or show them. The discrimination in question isn't related to that then. It's about the appearance you choose.

[-]

marvelguy1975@reddit

Dude this is not the 1950s.

[-]

The0wl0ne@reddit

I don’t really experience any discrimination aside from the occasional off handed remark from a Bible thumper. I don’t walk around telling everyone I meet that I’m gay but I don’t try to hide it either. I am going to live my life the way I want to and frankly my sex life is no one’s business but my own and whoever I’m with.

[-]

busterdog47@reddit

I live in a very conservative area and I have no problem at all.