Do many people start out as friends and then date in the US?

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Kaenu_Reeves@reddit

As an Indian diaspora born here, I will say arranged marriages are not looked upon fondly by anyone here.

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Defiant_Finger4011@reddit

So growing up I had a BFF who’s parents were Indian immigrants (she was born in the US mid 1980s after they moved here, her 3 older siblings were born in India.)

Story twist: they were Muslim Indians - I think that’s a more rare thing.

My friend grew up being told by her parents that their marriage was arranged in India as that was the tradition.

As a young adult after she visited family in India my friend found out it was not an arranged marriage, in fact her dad pursued her mother in a typical American way. They did not need their parents permission or anything like that.

Turns out her mother has schizophrenia and has rewritten her own life story to satisfy something about being a rebel when she was younger.

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Kaenu_Reeves@reddit

You can find Indians of all religions. Hindus, atheists, Muslims, Christians, and more rarely Sikhs, Buddhists, Zoroastrians, and Jews.

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Dr_Watson349@reddit

Im glad someone said it.

Arranged marriages are the literal anthesis to foundational ideals that make up American culture.

With that said, I do know a few arranged marriages that worked, sure, but its like mayo on pancakes. It aint right.

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itsthekumar@reddit

Nah it's just different.

Have you seen the dating scene nowadays? People could probably do with arranged marriage.

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Dr_Watson349@reddit

Nah it aint. It's fucking weird.

The fact the dating scene is hard doesn't mean we should take away people's agency to decide who they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Americans value independence, self reliance, and the freedom to make their own choice even if that choice is fucking dumb.

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itsthekumar@reddit

Arranged marriage is moreso the parents introducing you to partners which can help. Plenty of rich people even in America do it.

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lokland@reddit

That’s not how it’s thought of here. That would be known as an introduction, rather than an arranged marriage

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Bumblebee-Emergency@reddit

it’s thought of wrong then.

the main difference from western introductions is it’s very intentionally for marriage and you’re expected to either decline or get engaged within a year.

forced marriage in the diaspora at least is unheard of.

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Dr_Watson349@reddit

And remind me what type of social pressure is put on the potential couple?

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itsthekumar@reddit

Yes Americans don't always understand foreign cultures.

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lokland@reddit

Not my point.

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itsthekumar@reddit

Yes it is. "Not how it's thought of here." Ya Americans are uneducated of foreign cultures and things like arranged marriage.

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Bumblebee-Emergency@reddit

that’s not how modern arranged marriages work. they’re basically just introductions from your parents, people are free to decline.

the biggest difference from western dating isn’t really the “parents” part of it, it’s how quickly you’re expected to move toward marriage - usually under a year.

it’s not that different from what mormons do.

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Many_Inevitable_6803@reddit

From the ppl I’ve spoken to in arranged marriages, they say they are allowed to decline

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BunnyHugger99@reddit

saying its weird is a western world view, there are more arrange marriages in India than love marriages in the US. So in pure numbers comparison, they might see you as the weird one.

Also arranged marriage is not a forced marriage.

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Dr_Watson349@reddit

A higher count of people doing something does not make it right.

My point of view, as an American. Is that it’s fucked up. I am aware that not all people share that view.

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BunnyHugger99@reddit

Saying something is weird because you personally disagree with it is a narrow take, that's all.

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Dr_Watson349@reddit

I find it morally and ethically wrong. Does that make it less of a narrow take?

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0olongCha@reddit

Found the indian

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itsthekumar@reddit

Yup. And proud of it.

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itsthekumar@reddit

It works for some people.

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0olongCha@reddit

Ok rajesh

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itsthekumar@reddit

Ok Jim Bob.

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Peachtree-1865@reddit

That’s true But if a person arranges a marriage for their self is not that bad But people will think of you as weird or that you gave up and just sold yourself for a home

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Awesome-anonymousome@reddit

Yes, this is most of my relationships. Many of my relationships have been with immigrants and first gen Americans.

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anonymous_fart5@reddit

My wife and I started out as friends

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OKcomputer1996@reddit

Yes.

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PrimaryHighlight5617@reddit

Fewer and fewer these days. People mostly date on apps.

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Unusual_Entrance7354@reddit

No. Many get into one night stands, have a baby then try to know each other

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Complex210@reddit

People posting here have VERY different experiences than I have. In my experience if you dont move from introduction to dating in the first couple of weeks, you never will. There are exceptions ofcourse, and maybe thats what people consider "friends", but in my experience its INCREDIBLY rare to hang out with someone for like a year or more before dating them.

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tarheel_204@reddit

This is how my experience has gone. I don’t think I was friends prior with any girl I ever dated. It was either a situation of cold approaching “hey, I think you’re cute and I’d love to get to know you” or it was getting setup with someone via a mutual friend.

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lavasca@reddit

Same!

I only know maybe 4 couples who started out as friends. All of them were 19 or younger when they met. Everyone else met online.

When I was single and a man didn’t approach me for a date I just assumed he had only platonic interests. I don’t think I was wrong.

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Complex210@reddit

Right? If you find them attractive, they find you attractive, and you're both single, why are you just friends?

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ChuushaHime@reddit

Compatibility issues. I've had male friends I would not pursue romantically despite mutual attraction because of mismatched goals (ex: he wanted to be a parent; I vehemently do not) or mismatched lifestyles (ex: he moved a lot for work, I don't want to move at all ever)

Things like that might not (and did not) stop the occasional hookup, but one of the benefits of being friends before acting on attraction is being able to root out those compatibility issues early on, and realize you're better off as friends or at least "friends with benefits"

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lavasca@reddit

There’s the rub. Never was mutual attraction. Really, there wasn’t much in the way of one-way attraction.

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Cinisajoy2@reddit

So you just wanted s** on a first date?

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Folksma@reddit

You can say "sex" on Reddit

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Cinisajoy2@reddit

I didn't know about this sub

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Folksma@reddit

Reddit isn't Tiktok

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Cinisajoy2@reddit

Well I don't do TikTok

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Folksma@reddit

Well that's where the self censorship came from originally lol

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Cinisajoy2@reddit

Nope. Try yahoo back in the 90s. Many people self censored then too.

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lavasca@reddit

Never was attracted to a friend. I don’t think any of them were attracted to me. Nothing ever developed.

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Cinisajoy2@reddit

Ok I misread your answer.

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lavasca@reddit

Never.

There had to be some attraction for there to be a second date. It took me some years to learn it was never worth it to go out with anyone if I didn’t feel any attraction. I had been trying to go out with men who seemed nice and hoping to develop attraction. Never happened.

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Character-Twist-1409@reddit

Yeah don't wanna get friendzoned

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Dr_Watson349@reddit

The Friend Zone is a place easily entered by seldom left.

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lavasca@reddit

There is probably a lack of mutual attraction to start with. Attraction is more than just physical. Mutual attraction is necessary.

I’m not contradicting what you said, BTW.

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Complex210@reddit

I did it once, it cost me everything, it was only kinda worth it.

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Duque_de_Osuna@reddit

That was not my experience, but that does not mean it does not happen.

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Comedeorologist@reddit

I've never dated a woman I'd call a friend. The closest I've come is a friend of a friend of a roommate in college. I knew her. I liked her. But we'd only met a few times.

I socialized with my now wife, a colleague, but I knew almost right away that I wanted to date her.

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timstiefler@reddit

I like that perspective. It shows there’s no one “right” way—some people grow into it, others just feel it early on. Do you think the outcome would’ve been different if you’d been close friends first?

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Comedeorologist@reddit

I have no idea if it would have worked out differently.

There's usually a moment, a spark, something that compels me to act and ask them out. With a long time girlfriend, it was at a cafe when we were both having lunch with opposite-sex friends. With my wife, it was a work lunch where she made an insightful joke about something I'd just said.

My now wife made the move first, but I would have asked her out within the week. Definitely. I wanted to ask her out partly because a colleague (friend group?) guy was clearly sniffing around, and it was only a matter of time until he made a move.

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timstiefler@reddit

Totally normal here. Dating in the U.S. is usually more about getting to know different people and seeing what clicks over time. Sounds like you’re taking a great approach by wanting to experience it for yourself—what kind of dating are you hoping to try first?

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sgtm7@reddit

Not all people are the same. I have personally never dated a woman who started off as a friend first.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

I’ve officially dated 3 people and had 2 situationships.

The 1 person I dated and 1 situationship that started out as friends were the worst of the 5 experiences. The other 3 I met on dating apps.

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MM_in_MN@reddit

No. I’ve never dated my friends. I’ve dated friends of friends. Friends of my friends partners. People we’ve met while going out, or at a house party. Classmates. Friends coworkers. People within my friend group… but never MY friend.

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Per_sephone_@reddit

If you don't intend to marry an American, don't date one unless you are honest about it. My bff has had multiple Indian guys fuck her over and marry an Indian girl,

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EveningFlower9564@reddit (OP)

This is common sense... No need to tell me this bs. Keep your stereotypes to yourself.

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the_real_JFK_killer@reddit

I couldn't imagine dating someone i wasnt friends with before

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Flaky-Boysenberry466@reddit

How do you date someone you have been friends with? Because I’m assuming you’re attracted to them the whole time, is the friendship just to see if you like them or are you friends with them because you aren’t attracted to them and eventually the attraction develops? Because I don’t want to be friends with someone I’m attracted to, I want to date them

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Ok-Possibility-9826@reddit

To be honest, attraction isn’t instantaneous for everyone. I once had a friend that I legitimately did not think of that way at all until we’d been friends for literally years.

Also, sometimes, people are hot, but you just don’t feel that romantic/sexual attraction. I’d say most people can find someone physically attractive without wanting to date them.

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Semirhage527@reddit

I find many people attractive that I have no desire to date lol.

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LifeApprehensive2818@reddit

Even the people I know who've used dating apps successfully use them with the goal of making a friend first. The ones who ended up frustrated were the ones who fixated on meeting the stereotypical "first date/second date" romantic milestones.

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Goats_for_president@reddit

I know people that do “dating” and “talking stages” but they all seem so fucking formal about it like a corporate job interview.

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jackofspades49@reddit

I'm one of those people. It helps me know where the boundaries and expectations are. The labels are something to help me know where we stand with one another and how to manage emotions, jealousy, time spent together. General guidelines I have in my head are...

If I'm just talking, then its casual getting to know you. No real investment but just... is this a person I even like?

Dating is more invested. You're making time forthat person and putting more of yourself out there. You're starting to put them first in some situations. Only jealousy for me is if another person is involved but that's because I'm not a poly person.

Girlfriend/boyfriend/boyfriend means we're a couple. A unit. We share invitations. The general expectations of regular time together, routines, casual togeherness. It's stable and comforting. It doesn't have the higher sense of stakes as dating stats out with because you know this person loves you and will be with you.

Engaged means you are building that life together, moving in, and starting to share a whole life. If dating was a venn diagram with a thirdo f each circle overlapping, then engaged is more like 3/4. You're still you but more of who you are is tied in with who you are WITH the person.

Haven't gotten past that unfortunately... someday hopefully.

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ubbidubbidoo@reddit

Eh I don’t think it has to be super formal at all. I’d rather go on some dates, take some time to slowly get to know the person without rushing, and see how they fit into my world and life and vice versa, without any pressure. Then if we both feel good about it, getting into a relationship and calling each other “partner” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Rushing into that is what would feel formal to me.

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Ok-Possibility-9826@reddit

It’s very rare when I fall in love with someone in a different fashion, tbh.

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itsthekumar@reddit

Why are you just starting dating now?

You can try out both. Never know what will click.

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brinns_way@reddit

It can happen but many times, no.

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n00bdragon@reddit

I dated every single female friend I had, even if only for a little while. None of them worked out but romantically but I remained friends with all of them. I met my wife through online dating.

Dating your friends is a perfectly fine and normal way to start a relationship. Just be open and honest upfront about what you're seeking and be mindful of what they are looking for as well.

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Bluemonogi@reddit

My experience was that I got a job and met my cool coworker. We became friends. Then we dated for about a month, got engaged and were married about 8 months later. We have been married 26 years. This is not how most people I know have done things. Often people have known the person they started dating for a bit before starting even if they were not friends.

Some people are friends first and then date. Some people get set up through friends or family to date. Some people use dating apps. There are a wide range of experiences.

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dotdedo@reddit

Some do some don’t. I had one friend that just constantly jumped to relationships in her teens and early 20s but she’s happily married now.

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StewReddit2@reddit

Tbh, as I think back over my dating/marriage/dating life...I honestly can say for me

NOPE!

Never had a friend/pal/etc "turn into" a romantic partner ( okay I've known some "family friends/acquaintances"/neighbors where we "hooked up" at some point....but bona-fide dating-to-relationship from a friendship = nah)

In my mind/action a friend is a friend....if there is/has been interest....it gets acted upon.

Then it seems if friendships are built XYZ attraction just isn't there because "that's a friend" has never happened ( or really even thought of if I'm being honest. ..once a friend it's hard for me to consider a person otherwise...the entire evaluation/prism has switch off)

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jackfaire@reddit

My ex-wife and I didn't like each other. But we were in the same social group forced together by circumstances then became friends then something more.

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Adjective-Noun123456@reddit

My fiancee and I were friends for like 3 years before we started dating. I'd say that's how it is for most people I know, and how most of mine have gone.

I say most because there were a handful of cold approaches in there as well.

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AbilityAdventurous22@reddit

Sometimes but other times you meet someone and just know you like them more than a friend and immediately start going on dates until it becomes official

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IndividualGrocery984@reddit

I met my husband on a blind date, he’s really the only person I’d ever dated that wasn’t really a friend first. Most everyone I know was either set up by a mutual friend/family member who said “hey, I have this guy you should meet” or through being mutual friends.

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limbodog@reddit

It's about 50/50 for me

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iceph03nix@reddit

Thats every romantic relationship I've ever been in

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geekychica@reddit

My husband and I met through a mutual friend in college, and I’d say we were friends for a few weeks before we started dating. So I guess so?

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quietly_annoying@reddit

My husband is an immigrant who came to the US from Germany.

We met at a wedding. My best friend's new husband introduced me to his cousin. Anyways... I was going through a divorce and not ready to start dating again. He had 2 kids from previous relationships and wasn't looking for anything serious... just somebody to hangout with and an occasional movie night. This summer we'll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.

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bryku@reddit

Being friends first never worked well for me.

One friend to girlfriend woke me up at 4am pacing back and forth with a knife. Another one stalked be and beat up a coworker and broke into my car. There was also another chick that broke into my apartment to bake brownies...

Anyways, I decided to change things. No more dating people I know ahead of time. Things have been a lot better since.

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ScenePretty2793@reddit

I wasn’t friends first with anyone I dated. Some were people I saw or met while out and they asked me on a date. Someone asked me out while shopping and we dated for 2 1/2 years. Some were people I knew from work but didn’t know well. I know many advise not to date coworkers but I didn’t have the bad experiences that others do. I married a coworker and we’ve been married for 16 years.

I also didn’t date several coworkers.

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Masterank1@reddit

I’d say that’s probably the norm here tbh. Though it’s not THAT far off back home to how it is here

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shammy_dammy@reddit

We started out as classmates in university.

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Relevant_Airline7076@reddit

My most recent relationship, we had sex first, became friends, then started dating lol

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Maurice_Foot@reddit

For daring, I’ve always just asked someone out.

For my women friends, I would hate to ruin a friendship by trying to date them.

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Mysterious-Mango4936@reddit

My experience has been opposite. We had instant connection and then became romantic fairly quick. They didn’t want just friends first.

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Major_Enthusiasm1099@reddit

They can but friendzoning is a thing in American culture so it’s important that you establish your romantic interests

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Cinisajoy2@reddit

Do you mean date as in go to a restaurant or longer dating? I have had plenty of dinner dates. For more serious relationships, get to know them first.

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Cinisajoy2@reddit

Yes.

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SabresBills69@reddit

times have changed. unsure how old you are…

common way for relationships was from people you met through school/ college, your neighborhood, your church, where you worked as a teen/ early 20s ( retail, restaurant). you met peop,e through friend networking that then might lead to dating.

many would be married before 25. those who went to college and grad school likeky waitedvtill late 20s/ mid 40s especially if focus was on establishing a career.

it would get much harder as folks married off.

21+ became drinking age so in your 20s many would go to bars or night clubs to meet people. you could also meet folks where large groups would gather like concerts, street festivals, farmers markets, museums, coomon interests groups or clubs.

with the start of the internet l it became an avenue to meet folks through chat rooms and online dating sites.

online dating sites from the late 90s- 2010 you generally had those seriously looking for relationships.mit was their goal to meet and date. after 2010 pr do dating from online became much more socially acceptable so you got more doing it but thry had a lack of serious ness where they were using it to try and meet the perfect match or meet someone thry wouldn’t meet in their normal social channels,

being from India you probably understand caste system. in dating you can have something similar where doctors/ lawyers/ senior business managers are unlikely to date the clerical staff. some online might be clerical staff looking fir the doctor or doctors looking fir thise who are highly educated ( lawyers, mba grads, engineers, etc)

some are open to date immigrants who are here. some are not. this will depend on where you live.

in real life some might have short interaction and then one asked about dating and they exchange numbers if thry have good conversations. with others it might be slower like say you happen to meet someone at a gym or church and you talk a bit the first time you meet. the next time you encounter each other you might start talking more. and then again in another meeting snfpd from here dating can ocvutpr by asking one to something like a lunch or dinner or if you have a common interest and Anne ent is occuring so you talk of going to it together.

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MissingGrayMatter@reddit

Often in high school this is how it happens. I think it’s less likely to be friends first before dating the older you get, but still possible.

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literarygirl2090@reddit

I met my husband online and almost all of my friends met their significant others online as well. All of my guy friends have always been just friends and the two that did ask me out, it became really awkward and we kinda stopped talking. One of them, I thought just wanted to hang out but apparently it was a date to him so it became really awkward.

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Steamsagoodham@reddit

There might be an age/location dynamic to it judging by the responses here.

Friendships can certainly grow into some of the strongest romantic relationships, but if the conditions aren’t just right it can be very risky and potentially jeopardize a great friendship.

In larger cities where dating pools are larger and more competitive you may just not have time to wait for a friendship to build. It’s very common to meet people just a few times and then never see them again. If you’re not more forward about your intentions with them you’ll probaly have a few friendly encounters, but not enough of a bond for her to stay in contact once the natural reason for meeting is gone.

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TyraNotBanks5@reddit

I would hope so. I don’t understand dating someone you wouldn’t be friends with, the concept makes little sense to someone like me lol

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BigBlueJAH@reddit

That’s how my marriage started. At one point my wife tried to hook me up with one of her friends. Apparently she liked me, but didn’t think she was my type. I liked her, but didn’t think she liked me like that. One night I decided to air it all out, and fifteen years later we’re still going strong.

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Drew707@reddit

I never really did the dating thing. Once or twice, I went out with a friend of a friend on introduction for that purpose, but usually it was 100% organic through social circles, school, or work.

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TheBimpo@reddit

That's how most of my relationships started.

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Responsible_Ask3976@reddit

Same 😅😅😅

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GrumpySh33p@reddit

All mine! Married now to someone who was a friend (a friend for a few weeks 😂)

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madogvelkor@reddit

It's pretty common, I have always gotten to know someone and been friends with them a bit before asking them out. But a lot of other people do the opposite and prefer to meet people through apps. Some women may think it is dishonest to make friends first.

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Illustrious-Shirt569@reddit

I was friends with my now husband for 10 years before we dated, then we were together for another 9 years before marriage (at age 30).

I don’t think I’d want to be married to anyone besides my best friend (I also have several other very close friends, both women and men, but he’s the one I tell everything to).

We are both white Americans, but his mother is an immigrant from Europe.

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Maronita2025@reddit

I know a couple who never dated! They knew each other their entire lives. The man suggested that if neither of them were married by age 50 he would marry her. They got married at age 50.

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sneezhousing@reddit

Common also these days lots of meeting on the apps

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AuroraLorraine522@reddit

My husband was one of my best friends in high school. We didn’t start dating until our mid-20’s, now we’re both 38 and have been married 12 years and our daughter turns 10 next month.

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JennItalia269@reddit

FWIW a couple of my Indian friends got arraigned marriages. As you live in the US and assuming your wife is from India…. You’re quite the catch. You’d likely marry a very, very high status lady. That appealed to one of them and the other was too scared to say anything…

Others had parents who said they should “marry in the community” when they refused an arranged marriage. Another didn’t care and married a white girl. Parents weren’t happy initially but they’ve been together for 20 years. They grew into it.

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ITrCool@reddit

It's extremely common, actually. Arranged marriages are far less common.

It's how all my sisters met their husbands, and how my brother met his wife. They started out as friendships in college and at church and just blossomed into dating and going steady and finally to proposals and marriage.

They're all still happily married today and raising kids together. I've got ten nieces and nephews and number eleven is on the way! :D

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Outrageous-Pin-4664@reddit

Not me. It seemed like every girl I was friends with wanted to keep it right there at friends. When I met the girl I eventually married, I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn't looking for another friend.

Forty years later, though, she's my best friend. 😛

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cloudysquach@reddit

I've had a few relationships where we started as friends. A few where I asked someone on a date that I just met, and a few where we met online.

My wife and I recently got married in January and we've known each other for 10 years, not in a 10 year relationship, thats just how long we've known each other, so take from that what you will.

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ubbidubbidoo@reddit

Many relationship don’t start out necessarily as friendships in the true sense of the word - it’s uncommon for two people to have been platonic friends for years and years to one day develop a romantic relationship. That definitely happens but I think it’s rare. Most people do, though, take time to go on dates with the intention of possibly one day dating them and spend a lot of time developing a relationship (and maybe even a friendship) before deciding to become an official couple. That in-between time could be considered a friendship, which is a great foundation, but I would say many people who meet with the idea to date someday wouldn’t have what would be considered a typical non-platonic friendship.

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Vivid_Wings@reddit

Not an immigrant here, but on my experience, it happens sometimes. However, the most common outcome in my limited experience is that she will say no, and it always has a chance of damaging the friendship. You need to be ready for that gamble, and if she says no, to not make your feelings her problem.

Of course it's more normal for friends to ask each other out if there has been a relationship status change- if neither one of you had been single at the same time before, it makes more sense why you waited. However, if it's clear that you were just hanging around until she was single again, that can feel really unpleasant on her end. So tread carefully, be honest with yourself, and think about whether you want to gamble the friendship on the chance of romance.

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lavasca@reddit

That seems to be more likely if people met in University or secondary school. Perhaps if you’re from a small town or tight-knit neighborhood.

Those are the only circumstances I’ve seen that work out for. Never really saw it otherwise for people over 22. I don’t speak for most Americans. I’ve always lived in metropolitain areas full of transplants.

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Active_Wing7906@reddit

That’s how my wife and I met. Actually, every meaningful relationship I ever had (2+ years) started as friends.

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Remote_Ocelot9600@reddit

My late wife started as friends, then went from there :)

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Five_Slow@reddit

My wife and I were friends for 12 years before I asked her out. It wasn't until about 4 months before asking her out that I really started developing feelings for her, and a bit to figure out whether I wanted to try to pursue those feelings.

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quitealargeorangecat@reddit

That’s the only way I’ve ever dated people. I wouldn’t ask out a stranger!

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Broke_Pigeon_Sales@reddit

Literally everyone. We are like bicycles in the Netherlands. We just get stole and recouple over and over and over.

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RVFullTime@reddit

That's how good relationships start. Find a group of people with common interests and look for someone of good character.

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Vachic09@reddit

It's very common.

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iowanaquarist@reddit

Not an immigrant, but all the most successful marriages I know of are a result of friends deciding to date each other.

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Queenfan1959@reddit

Some but not all

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SoStarstruckk@reddit

Most people do

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Calliope719@reddit

Frequently, yes, or people that you meet through friends. These days it's common for people to meet online via dating apps as well

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latin220@reddit

Yeah that’s the normal. You start out seeing a person who you have a friend/romantic interest or connection and it evolves naturally into casual dating then you formally start to become closer and then become a true romantic relationship and eventually if it becomes more then people marry.

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Many_Pea_9117@reddit

Not necessarily. Usually if someone is your friend then you are less likely to date them. Women who are your friend will more likely recommend their girl friends for you to date. There is no rule, but trying to date your friends can create drama if it doesnt work out. The more natural state is to date an acquaintance or a friend of a friend.

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OhThrowed@reddit

The vast majority of married folks I know started out as friends.

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Personal_Pain@reddit

That’s how all my relationships have been