Also means you have more options later, like being able to make a career change if you want. Move too early and you can get financially trapped.

They're right that being stuck at home can stunt their development, I know that from experience. But that's still often the least bad option.

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Sullhyy@reddit

Not only is it the smart thing to do it’s the only option if you want to buy your own place. Many of the older generation should feel lucky to have been able to afford a house at a younger age and it’s only going to get worse.

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Fit_Adhesiveness7307@reddit

I don’t really understand this. I can only assume that in your youth, the most important milestones of life that showed a person was growing up were events like getting married, buying a house, and so on, and so you feel that your kids not being able to do that means they’re not progressing in life.

It’s a narrow view of life, though. In many cultures, it’s completely normal for several generations of family to live together. This practice doesn’t hold back people in those cultures at all, and based on what you’ve said in this thread I don’t think for a second that it would hold back your kids - as long as none of you hate each other and suffer a lot of stress from living together.

I’m half Japanese and my mum really wants me to move back to live with her. She looks forward so much to the times that I go and stay for a month. There’s nothing unhealthy about that, at least in Japanese culture. For some reason it’s only Westerners, especially Americans, who try to argue that it somehow prevents people from maturing or means that the young adult in question is selfish or lazy.

So in my opinion, living at home is only a bad thing if the people involved are unhappy or stressed by living together. Otherwise, it does no harm at all and can even be beneficial for loneliness.

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MultiMidden@reddit

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Unearthingthepast@reddit

Problem is, on a society wide basis, that just makes the situation worse. If people started to refuse to work in London and instead worked/moved elsewhere, eventually the cost of living in London would be forced to drop.

3 could afford a place together though.

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Nights_Harvest@reddit

The main point is that the rhetoric has changed in past few years.

"finally have some peace" - this part implies that the children are seen as a burden and drain on parents.

I am millennial and as many of my peers we experienced a lack of engagement from parents, planned or not we were treated as a box to tick off without being provided with much love or attention. We have a lot of mental health problems as a result which is amplified by the current environment we live in, which is high stress.

A lot of my peers and other people are of opinion that children as a long term commitment, not a thing to do in a second tear of the marriage, not something to save the marriage. There is a responsibility of care and upbringing associated with children today that goes beyond simply keeping them alive.

Wanting your children to go out into the world is one thing, wanting to have them out so you can have some peace is another.

If your children at that age are such a source of burden and stress that their leaving will give parents "some peace" indicating that they poorly raised their children and have not provided enough love to actually create a deep and meaningful bond.

Hope this helps to shine some light on the situation, or at least some people feel about children. I do not have any even tho I would love to but me and my partner feel that it would be cruel and selfish to bring them into this world when the future looks horrible. Climate warming is real as an example. But if we decide to, I cannot imagine wanting them to leave to "finally have some peace". If they leave, they will be welcome to come back anytime they want or need. Life is hard and I want them to have the emotional strength and support they might need. To also clarify, this is not coddling that I am talking about.

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ema_l_b@reddit

Yikes, i feel like you and a lot of others are projecting your own issues, cos you took a jokey comment WAAAAAAAY too seriously. If I'd have meant it in the way you just flat out assumed, without even asking if that's how i meant it, I'd have been VERY specific, and I wouldn't have added a 'lol'.

Yes, they are a lifetime commitment, I know.

I never said she had to kick them out and never see them again, but could just offer help if they needed it. Everyone deserves a little peace (meant as in privacy and 'me time', and I absolutely mean the kids as well as op)

A lot of people house share with strangers. At least they'd all know each other.

And if one of the reasons they're still at home is because it's in their comfort zone, the older they get, the harder it'll be when they do want to move out.

Kids wont resent an offer of specific help being there for if and when they want it, (separate to the support op gives as a parent anyway) but they can end up resentful of things later in life if they didnt know that there were options available at a time when they mightve felt a bit stuck

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Fanjo_mcclanjo@reddit

Relax Karen. I think its perfectly ok for a single parent of 3 to want some peace.

But you being an expert on raising 3 kids alone means you probably know better?

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GroundFast7793@reddit

Your response seems to address the sentiment of the OP. The commenter gave them a win-win solution and was told that attitude will cause a rift (paraphrasing).

After reading your long winded comment I realise you and the other downvoters are just so damaged, and slef pitying you can't even see logic. Alternatively, you reread it and realise I am right but can't admit to having been wrong.

I fucking love my kids with all my heart and soul. I do everything I can for them. It's OK that one day when we are all older I might like them to move out and just look after myself.

Also, your comment is so full of shit I don't even know where to start criticising it

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Nights_Harvest@reddit

I am happy that you had a healthy upbringing.

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GroundFast7793@reddit

I'm sorry if you didn't.

DM me if you want to chat.

Also my upbringing wasn't healthy

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ema_l_b@reddit

How?

I'm guessing you took the 2 phrases completely seriously, and didn't contemplate that the kids might actually want to be able to say that they moved out of the parents house, and have their own place, but also just as likely, they feel safe there (which is amazing) but also doesn't set them up for future decisions.

There's nothing wrong with a parent having a chat with their kids, finding out if they're happy, and helping them out if needed.

People nowadays are way too set on one extreme or the other, and no one wins.

If a kid wants to move out, (but can't) or dont want to move out, (but could) they can't win as it can be seen as 'against the norm' either way (though less so now than years ago)

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Mundane-Topic-8214@reddit

Or the OP could just tell them they need to move out...

My advice having acted for thousands of FTB is be ready to support them in anyway possible. That isn’t to let them choose the easiest route or the one they like the best but rather the route which is best for them in the long run. That may be pushing them at times, that may be gifting part of a deposit, guiding them through the intimidating buying process and the like.

It’s a trade off between finances and living your life. I had the same conundrum at 27/28 when I moved out.

Staying at home and saving is, financially speaking, the better option. You can save up for a deposit a lot easier but at the cost of less freedom.

There’s also the fact that unless you are earning £50k+ the nice deposit you’ve saved is effectively irrelevant. Because you won’t be able to get a mortgage that covers even a 1 bed flat.

Unless you have a partner, but your living with your parents so having any kind of adult relationship is next to impossible.

Or you say fuck it and rent. Enjoy your life, enjoy your independence, enjoy dating etc. And then bank on your salary growing and meeting a partner so you can start building towards buying.

I chose the latter and I’m glad I did

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CowDontMeow@reddit

Yup I’m on £29k, renting a HMO or 1 bed flat in my local area is £950/month plus bills, it’s a well known super rough estate, I can rent a “1 bed 1 bath” (note, lodging situation) for £900 in a slightly nicer area, to get into a 1bed flat or maisonette style situation where it feels more like a home instead of a box to sleep in is £1100-1400 plus bills.

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pajamakitten@reddit

Not all good friends make good housemates.

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I pay 2100 for a 3 bed house in streatham with a garden, seperate living room, dining room and ktichen. So a proper house. You'll be able to find something affordable that's bigger for sure. You just might need to move areas (I know that's tough on kids at that age)

Yeah this thought has crossed my mind a lot. We can only afford to rent because we’re a couple but we’re starting later - 33 now thinking about having a baby is scary as we’ll likely have kids around until our 60’s. But I think that’s just how it is now. My brother is 28 but hasn’t found a partner yet so has very little chance of affording somewhere alone

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SmellingThomas@reddit

I'm a similar age and can relate to this. My partner and I can live comfortably but if we were to have a child at least one of us would have to reduce our work hours and we would also have to factor in the extra cost of a person to look after.

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apextwit@reddit

This is a bit different to things most people are sharing, but I rent and am currently a lodger, and my boyfriend who is a bit older than me lives with his elderly parents in the granny annex... and then *his* 22-year old son moved in with him. My boyfriend works full time for himself but says he can't afford to move out, despite living in a small town which is relatively inexpensive compared to the city I live. His adult son is just sitting pretty on PIP and UC paying zero rent and getting catered to by his dad and grandparents. I know every situation is different, but it's just so sad to me. When I was 22 I was working, studying, renting, travelling, living independently. This adult son is set up for nothing but a life on benefits, living with his dad who is actually living with his own parents. It's kinda grim. I fully think that my boyfriend shouldn't be living with his parents and should take control and rent somewhere, but he prefers the lazy option of living rent-free in a very nice place. I would be so unhappy with myself if I was in either of their situations.

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My brother has been able to move out at 22 as he is in the military.

My bf is also going that route so we can have a family young ish.

One of my observations is that the general acceptance that things are tough and therefore offspring leaving home later, fuels the behaviour further. Adults into their 20s and 30s who have established careers but comparatively little outgoings living at home suffer from living a lifestyle that they can’t really afford - they could live frugally, and save to move out, but a lot don’t do that. How many do you see drive flash brand new cars all whilst saying housing is too expensive?

When I moved out at 19, I barely earned £800/month and this was mid 2000s. My first, tiny, 1 bed flat had a rent of £400. Bills, food, entertainment etc on top and as a proportion of my income I was spending 75-80% to just live. I don’t see that as any different to the current income to rent/mortgage ratio that would be required to move out.

I think being in that position forced me into better and more lucrative career paths as I always wanted to own my own home.

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purple_spade@reddit

Average rent as a % wage in mid 2000s is ~30%.

Average rent as a % wage now is nearly 50%

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Yes I meant more that its specific to the case of saving for one in 2 years whilst 80% of income is spent on essentials.

I was more highlighting the point that from a financial perspective its a fact it is a lot more difficult than it was 20 years ago, so it cant be surprising that a lot more people are struggling/living at home.

There will be a few people who will complain whilst being a position where they can do more to cut down, but I dont see why the proportion of those people would suddenly be higher now than 20 years ago.

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KT180x@reddit

I agree with you. I think the boomer idea of 'well we paid 15% interest what are you all moaning about' is obviously ridiculous, and theres no denying it is a LOT harder to buy a house than before, with wages/house prices / rent prices when saving etc.

However, you're absolutely right that there are plenty of people with some brand new flash car on finance, 3 takeaways per week, lots of nights out, convenience spending, lots of holidays, etc etc that also say they couldn't possibly save up cos they cant afford to.

The expectation is to save for something big you need to sacrifice in other areas, and some people aren't willing to do that thinking 'well whats twenty quid here and there'. I get the nihilistic feeling of 'what's the point' because it doesn't happen quickly (it took me 5 years to save my deposit, while renting and being a single parent to 1. And yes I live in the south east near london) but ultimately you have to start somewhere, and if you don't actively try then of course it's not going to happen. When I started saving i was on 21k and could only spare £10 per week, which admittedly felt pointless, so I do get the sentiments. But the idea it's completely impossible is just not true at all.

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Potential-Ordinary-5@reddit

Imagine buying your first home mid 00's and feeling you understand the situation today.

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craftyorca135@reddit

Yeah, my house was 90k in the 90s. Now it's nearling 400k

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Potential-Ordinary-5@reddit

Yep. This is the reality. I pay twice as much a month for my mortgage on my little flat, than my BiL (10 years older than me) pays for his 3 bed house which is worth twice as much us as mine.

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SnooCakes1636@reddit

But that’s the function of inflation, right?

You buy a property at a fixed price and finance the purchase through a mortgage for the next 25 or so years.

Inflation increases the prices, but doesn’t impact the price you paid. Wage growth makes the monthly payments cheaper in real-terms (ignoring the possibly substantial effect of high interest rates - and i don’t mean a few percentage points difference from when you too put the original loan)

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Potential-Ordinary-5@reddit

It is a mixture of inflation, though wages haven't increased as the same rate as house prices so that isn't exactly relative. And also mortgage rates. When he bought his house in 2014 mortgage rates were less than 1%. When I bought my place in 2024 it was 5.5%. for context, we both bought our properties whilst single and approx the same age.

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NaniFarRoad@reddit

So the house has gained about 4.4x in value (£90k to £400k). Minimum wage was introduced in 1999 at £3.60/hour, and is now £12.70, or 3.5x higher. They are not that different (I'm assuming the quoted £90k in the 90s was in 1999).

There are other things that are causing people to fail to launch.

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MissionLet7301@reddit

Minimum wage isn't really relevant here, since nobody was buying a house on minimum wage in '99, and nobody is buying a house on minimum wage today.

Median full time wage in the UK in 1999 was around £8-9/hour or £17.8k/year, and last year it was £19.67/hour or 40k/year. So rather than being 'almost equal' (4.4x and 3.5x are actually pretty significantly far apart) it's now 4.4x increase in house price compared to 2.25x increase in median wage.

if you’re serious about moving out and want it badly enough you’ll cut things out of your lifestyle to afford it.

The old 'No avocado toast and no Netflix' argument.

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omgu8mynewt@reddit

If you're working and living at home, you're saving 6k-12k annually that you others are spending on rent and bills, but how many people are actually saving their 10k whilst living at home?

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KT180x@reddit

This is something I see. My good friend is 37 and lives at home with a full time job. Doesn't save anything, spends all his money, and has no intention to move out. Complete waste of the living situation!

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omgu8mynewt@reddit

It's my three friends who still live with their parents in their thirties as well. I don't know where their money goes exactly but they have no savings or plan of how to leave the nest, because buying a house is so impossible why even bother trying, just live a little.

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Rightly an unpopular opinion because it's boomerslop.

House prices have objectively become less affordable compared to earnings than when you bought your house. And the cheap houses tend to be in the shit holes with few or no jobs so still aren't as "affordable" as you might think.

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SnooCakes1636@reddit

No you’re right, but the OPs post isn’t about buying a house it’s about moving out.

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Potential-Ordinary-5@reddit

Again, that is part of the point though. Yes, it's definitely possible to move into rented accommodation depending on their relationship status and salary. But the difference between then and now is if they were to do that now they would be trapped. They would have no way of saving for a deposit like you did because they would be using 80-90% of their wage on living costs.

The reason today we see so many still at home into their 30's is because the goal is to buy a house and not to rent. And once they rent they wouldn't be able to buy. Also a large issue is being single, being able to buy alone is much harder, it's got nothing to do with the deposit and everything to do with the amount you're allowed to borrow. I've done both.

Also location, I'm from the South West but travel to the Middlands for work often and we actually laugh about the difference in the cost of living, it's outrageously different.

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SnooCakes1636@reddit

But why are we so hung up about owning a property as a nation?

I don’t know how people cope living at home.

I understand it’s expensive to move out, but someone on an average salary £33,696 takes home £2315/month. Average rents in March outside of London were £1,125 - that’s 49% of take home pay. It’s a lot, but it’s doable to move out. Might not be able to buy a house considering what you might be able to save as a single person. It’s not lost on me that £33k is the point at which 50% of people earn less than that- so still swathes of people where it’s even more expensive.

If it was a choice between save up for 20 years before even having a chance at buying a house, or move out today and accept never owning a house but have freedom and spend any spare money how I wanted - I’d absolutely choose the latter option.

But that’s it -it’s a choice- and a lot of the time it’s easier and cheaper to stay living at home cheaply than to move out.

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Potential-Ordinary-5@reddit

For the same reason you and I chose to buy I would imagine.

Just to clarify, an average salary of £33k doesn’t mean 50% earn less than that, that would be the median.

Because a small number of very high earners pull the average up, the median salary is usually lower, meaning more than half of people actually earn below the average, not 50%.

I would say the biggest blocker for them is affordability, rents are stupidly high and trying to buy somewhere is almost impossible for young people.

I assume they are working and paying you some kind of rent?

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Icy_Appearance_8610@reddit (OP)

They’re working. I don’t charge them rent but they contribute to food and bills which is high as it is! They are all single and saving up. I love my children but I feel their cost of living is really impacting them getting on with their lives. I find I’m quite worried for them.

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CrabbyGremlin@reddit

Just because they’re living at home in their mid 20s doesn’t mean they aren’t getting on with life. If they are still working, seeing friends, getting into relationships, then what’s the big deal if they live at home? It’s just a place to sleep eat and relax, it doesn’t stop them from living a life outside of the home.

Fewer and fewer people are settling down and having kids in their 20s, I’d say your kids are pretty normal.

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lavender_cookie_@reddit

Obviously I don't know about their earnings etc. or what you're charging but considering what some people are like with money, I would suggest making them pay some sort of "rent" and don't tell them it goes into a savings account for them. I think there needs to be some sort of middle ground between living with parents and living in a private let IMO. Teach them basic skills on budgeting.

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I think people these days have far more temptations these days and it's so much easier to part with cash. Lots of instant dopamine hits on rubbish rewards.

To largely generalise there are two groups "the cushy pad at mum and dads" and "the caught in a rent trap and life circumstances group." It's a lot harder to feel sympathy for the ones living the life of riley in group one whilst the rent trappers are trying to make ends meet.

I am a 37 yr old single mother of 1, who moved out at 18 and never went back. I saved up a house deposit while renting a 2 bed flat on the outskirts of London, and bought a place after 5 years of saving. I don't deny its very, very difficult, and way more ridiculous than it was in previous decades, but I also think it is possible with sacrifice-you cant go out to restaurants regularly / regular takeaways / new clothes etc, but that applies to saving up for anything, thats not a new concept.

I have a close friend who is also 37 and still lives with his parents. He does no cleaning, pays nothing to live there, and seems to have no plans to move out despite having a full time job. He doesn't claim to be saving up to move out or buy a house either. He spends all his money on takeaways and random stuff. It totally baffles me honestly. I understand why adults are staying at home longer, but when you aren't using that situation to save up and propel you forward to having your own place , what is the point? In the years he's been there, he could've easily saved 50k+ but just hasn't bothered.

Most of my peers from back home (midlands) have long moved out of home. I work in London now and it seems that a lot of the native Londoners still live at home.

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asscrackinator@reddit

I moved out at 22, I’m 29 next month. But I’ve been renting ever since and have pretty much accepted that I’ll never be able to afford a house, lol

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My daughter is 20 and has no plans on moving out. Nor is she ready to move out, her work ethic is fantastic and she works full time in hospitality never moaning about working Xmas day etc but can’t even put her rubbish in the bin at home 😂 she has a friend the same age who does have their own flat (care leaver) and my daughter can tell from her friends independence that she is not ready. Probably my fault for always cleaning her room, collecting her laundry from end of her bed etc but also I’m not ready for her to leave yet anyway 😂😂💖💖

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Scarred_fish@reddit

Daughter moved out at 16, she is 21 now with her own place. Something nobody my generation (born in the 70s) could dream of until their late 20s or 30s at least.

Make sure you are charging all of them the local rent equivolent. There is absolutely no excuse for staying at home and not paying the going rate, thats just, frankly, being a cunt.

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rjm101@reddit

. There is absolutely no excuse for staying at home and not paying the going rate

Most_Lingonberry_409@reddit

Depends where you live I suppose? That would be impossible in London unless you had an extremely high salary or lots of financial support for a deposit from familh

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thecrius@reddit

Welcome to reality. I'm a xennial (new term apparently), it's fucked up for our kids.

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EL3rror_404@reddit

I completed my undergrad in a different city, now back home and completing my masters (at a top 5 uni, so my parents can’t complain too much). Wouldn’t have been able to afford the masters if I wasn’t able to live at home because I’m ineligible for the postgrad loan due to starting an integrated masters and choosing to graduate with a BSc instead.

More in African and Asian cultures but the UK has a large number of communities from those areas so it’s always been common amongst those.

Britain in general used to be the same as the Northern European cultures you’ve mentioned but high rents and house prices have meant that’s growing less common especially if their family is based in the south east.

Like where I live for example the cheapest houses are about 220k which is nearly impossible for a single person to buy on an average salary if they were renting.

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Cole-Palmer-phd@reddit

But this is askUK so those cultures aren't really relevant. Yeah it's becoming more common for adult kids to stay at home but it's usually not by choice

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Icy_Appearance_8610@reddit (OP)

I love having them at home but worry it inhibits their life. Maybe it’s just me?

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largecappucino@reddit

I get the sentiment that you think living at home is a “bad” thing?

Have they said or done anything to make you think they want to leave? Is it money or not finding a nice enough place / good location etc for example?

If you and your kids get on under one roof and you’ve got enough space to have them around, I’d treasure this time together personally. They will one day all have their own lives and you may miss the time you saw them every day, rather than waiting for a big event to see all of them together

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hotchy1@reddit

I left at 32. Travelled the world and properly lived life. Thanks mum n dad. It also let me save to buy a place.

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The others are growing a backbone and throwing the oversized little perishes out – like you should have done on their 18th birthday. Longer you leave it, more difficult it gets.

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DollySheep32@reddit

A lot of cultures don't have their kids leave the family home until marriage.

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StereotypicallBarbie@reddit

My son is 22 and living here while he saves up a bit..

I don’t mind, it’s tough out there he may as well stay here rent free while he can! He’s working and has his own car.. yeah I’d love that back bedroom free of his boy smell! But what you gonna do?

I moved out at 18 but my rent back then wasn’t the same amount as my monthly wages..

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Hot-Sign-249@reddit

I'm 42 and live at home

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craftyorca135@reddit

Awesome.

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CanIhazCooKIenOw@reddit

What did your kids answered when you asked them?

No.

I think there are other jobs you could do now. Nursing is hard. Checkouts are not.

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Icy_Appearance_8610@reddit (OP)

Well, I’m at that age I don’t get interview, even for jobs I’d be good at.

Akso GenX & mine moved out at 18(M - to his own HA flat) & 22(F - in with her b/f).

Must admit I encouraged both to do so - I moved out at 17 & found it did wonders for my independence & sense of self. However they knew they were welcome back if they needed to.

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Bus8082@reddit

I left home for uni, completed my course, then moved a four hour drive away to do teacher training in London and take a teaching job.

It was perfectly affordable to do this (10 years ago) and many people do this still today.

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