ULPT Request: how can I make sure no one goes to a university event?
Posted by Which-Letterhead1747@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 57 comments
I am an untenured professor at a university. Months ago I organized a career event for our students that is at a particular day and time, with speakers who have gone on to use their degree in my field in various ways. I reserved the room, advertised heavily, etc. It was going to be a great event.
A few weeks ago one of the other professors in my department, B (who is tenured and who has been a jerk to me in various way since I started here) invited a famous person in our field to come and give a big public talk on the same day and at the same time as my long-scheduled event. B is VERY invested in the visit from the famous person because B is a sycophant and thinks this event will help their career.
I emailed B to point out that I had already scheduled an event and it probably wasn't a good idea to have two events at the same time. Instead of trying to work out a compromise, they emailed the department chair, who is B's close friend, and the department chair told me I had to reschedule my event even though I scheduled it first.
My question: how can I make sure no one goes to B's event? I would like student turnout to be horrible. I am envisioning a huge empty room. Obviously given my position I don't want it to be traced back to me.
Final-Blackberry-229@reddit
Email the speaker and tell him that you are organizer and to go to your event
Superb-Price-Hotpot@reddit
Did you know that you can call the fire brigade to do an inspection should you have concerns about safety? I've worked in Universities and most buildings wouldn't pass and require a section 31 closure without any unethical steps from you. I'm sure you can spot something dangerous already. If anything, you are doing the university a favour.
pi1979@reddit
This!
docmagoo2@reddit
Thanks for your input.
Cole_Slawter@reddit
Threaten the speaker with a protest. Get them to cancel.
userid004@reddit
Do students have to register online? Crash the site or fill it with students from other departments.
paigesto@reddit
Fill it with fake students until venue is at capacity. So no one can attend?
Calabriafundings@reddit
Event with free beer and food.
Do everything possible to have it right outside wherever the lecture will be. Perhaps a band or a DJ. If you can pay pretty young ladies to work the event even better.
You will spend some money, but a lot of potential attendees will get peeled off by what is on offer.
sitheandroid@reddit
Can you schedule another event at the same time that gives out free stuff? Maybe food or alcohol or something? It would also be an unfortunate time for a fire drill to be arranged with the correct people (or an unofficial, anonymous testing of a fire alarm). Does the venue have a locking door that loses the key or some miscreant has glued the lock? Can you still buy stink bombs, because a couple of those would render the place unusable temporarily.
kaett@reddit
heavily fart-spraying the venue will turn people away REAL quick.
metalflygon08@reddit
Offer extra credit to a student who does this totally on accident.
jonny5isalive1@reddit
Free Hat!
Anderson_Sploodger@reddit
Limit 1
SoyboyCowboy@reddit
Offer free food at the career/alumni event
MistakeMaterial4134@reddit
Keep yours scheduled, or hold a different event in the immediately adjacent area that has food, prizes and very loud speakers with music, announcements etc.
eggington69@reddit
I have a couple ideas, but I should say that these are probably too far and so for that reason you should consider my ideas a joke and I don’t actually recommend you do them iykwim.
Find out where the famous speaker’s mother lives (or wife, kids, siblings) and get a fake phone number with that area code, say you are calling from real hospital that exists there and his mother (or whoever) was in a terrible accident, say you don’t want to discuss the situation over the phone but you can tell him her injuries were extremely serious and it’s VERY important that he comes down there, asap, he should drop everything.
Find out where the famous speaker is going the night before the event. Try to casually be in the same place and slip something in his drink that will make him sleep all the way through the next day (sorry I don’t have experience with roofies but in TV shows people seem super disoriented the next day so I figured maybe, depending on what you give him, you might be able to make him miss the whole event.
Hit the famous speaker’s car otw to the event, bonus points if he’s injured just enough to be too occupied to even call to give a heads up that he can’t make it. If he’s not injured at all you run the risk of someone coming to pick him up and barely/not at all derailing the event, but obviously if your goal is to injure him you do run a pretty big risk of going too far…
You could start a rumor around campus that the professor and/or his guest have accusations… and if it isn’t spreading fast enough then organize a protest outside of the event to get more students to protest it (organize it like get a student who will do what you say, you shouldn’t be publicly attached to the protest, obviously).
Frame the professor or the speaker for a crime in such a way that the cops will suspect them very strongly. So the evidence has to be pretty damming (it doesn’t have to stick, just damming enough that they’re picked up to be questioned/held during the day of the event).
Give the professor and/or the speaker food poising before the event!!!! This one might be the most effective because you can probably hit them BOTH and it’s not as unethical/criminal/violent as some of the other ones. Try to find out if they’re having lunch/dinner together the day before or breakfast the morning of the event. Restaurant workers are pretty cool, find one who looks like they smoke pot or do other drugs and pay them money to let you tamper with the food.
Pay off a student who’s already struggling—like maybe on the brink of dropping out—to set of the fire alarms right as the speaker is about to go on. The student won’t have too much to lose in case they get caught and you can vouch for them to try to lessen their consequences (like “hey guys, this is a student in crisis, look at his grades, I’ve been trying to be a mentor to this student because I saw he was struggling and I can tell you all that he’s going through enough personal issues right now, he doesn’t need to get into trouble for this. Please, this could be the breaking point that puts his whole life on a different, and worse, path. Please give some grace for his struggles and give him the chance to come back from this). As for the how: afaik smoking a cigarette inside should set off the alarms. Just make sure it’s in like the hallway right outside of the event or something, if it’s a big building you don’t want to risk being too far to trip the alarms in the actual event area.
ww11gunny@reddit
Hire a random person in another country to phone in a bo mb threat
SlappKake@reddit
this happened at my university conveniently around finals the first semester of my middle 2 years lol
A_Genius@reddit
I hate what this sub has turned into. Outsourcing terrorism to the other countries when we have jobless domestic terrorists here at home.
Support local first!
Gusenica_koja_pushi@reddit
Now that's why this sub exists 😍
ThrowItOut43@reddit
And then piss disc
sannicanbro@reddit
obviously
Purlz1st@reddit
Don’t forget to fuck their dad.
eggington69@reddit
Students get 1 extra credit point for each person they can get to attend your event, with no upper limit, good for multiple semesters (if they take an additional class with you or if they’ll be a future student). If you’re buddies with other professors convince them to make the same offer to their students about recruiting people to come to your event.
Definitely unethical but I mean, you picked the subreddit so
idk012@reddit
Op has to cancel their event.
eggington69@reddit
Oop didn’t see that. Thank you for pointing that out lol
bootyholeboogalu@reddit
You know back in the 1990s say we weren't prepared for a test in high school that was important and we needed more time to study.. we'd call in a very specific type of threat to the school usually from the payphone in the lobby and get the school evacuated for the day.
Definite4@reddit
Find a way to convince the crowds the event starts after it ends or on another day
JohnyStringCheese@reddit
combination of a couple ideas. I don't know how big of a deal this guest is, like whether they have staff or if he's really close to B, so I don't know how easy it would be to cancel their appearance. That would be move number one. Have someone reach out to guest or they're people and cancel the appearance, but you have to make sure they can't or won't reach out to B directly. That's the tough part. If they have staff you can have someone call the day before and pretend to be B and cancel it. Better yet, have someone reach out pretending to be from the University and cancel it for reasons they're legally not allowed to get into. Then do the fire thing a couple days before and have the fire dept come by and do an inspection of the facility. That would obviously be initiated by several individual complaints about a single incident that was causing people be concerned. Tell them people chaining door exits or doing some other shit. Then call the university and pretend to be from the fire department and order them to close the facility until every is up to code. You're send a marshall over immediately with a warrant/order whatever. Anyway, cause as much confusion between the parties as possible. Blast email the student body from a fake uni account that the event was cancelled, also print out fake "sorry, were cancelled" flyers to put all around campus next to the original event flyers. Then invite everyone that was going to your event for free wings at a local place and have your guests there too.
RefrigeratorOne2626@reddit
The answers here are diabolical lmfao.
gavdore@reddit
Move your event to directly follow. Send your coworker an email asking for famous person to attend then either sneak on there computer to reply positively or spread gossip that the coworker verbally agreed to it. The coworker will be forced to allow it or look petty
Jmonroe_tenn@reddit
This is not unethical BUT such a great idea!!💡
AdditionalArt1589@reddit
Depends on the University and the political landscape, but post on Yik Yak that ICE is aware of the event and will be there - or something similar, that will definitely get the students riled up.
Youareaproperclown@reddit
Is the famous person problematic in any way?
Email them from multiple random emails saying that you will be protesting their appearance. They will pull out to avoid the hassle.
Auto_Phil@reddit
You sound petty - I would find a new job. Oh yeah this is ULPT. Slash his tires
wastedclit@reddit
Start a horrible rumor about the famous person leading to their cancellation and nobody will attend.
NewNameAgainUhg@reddit
Write to the person they invited explaining there was a double booking and cancelling their visit until new date is available
AndarianDequer117@reddit
Have someone else do that..
deleted_by_reddit@reddit
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NotAQuiltnB@reddit
Find out contact information for B's speaker. Call and cancel them the day before advising the facility had a flood or fire. Drop off brownies to B's office loaded with exlax. Anonymously of course.
hellish_existance@reddit
Buy a burner phone, create an account on reddit or Instagram or wherever, pretend to be your colleague, try to lure a minor into sexual relationship, then anonymously report him to the FBI after you stash the phone somewhere on his property.
MutedLandscape4648@reddit
Stink bo mb.
SudburySonofabitch@reddit
So you want to punish the students because the school chose the 'bigger' event?
idfkjack@reddit
Sue the B for the costs of everything you've already put into your event, any contact fees you've signed with your speakers, for the advertising you will have to do to cancel, and damages.
RaptorCheeses@reddit
Piss discs all over the place
Harry_Gorilla@reddit
Schedule some kind of emergency cleaning in that room a few hours before his meeting. When you call maintenance tell them you’re the person who got your event cancelled
whitelines4president@reddit
Call ICE
DoubleBreastedBerb@reddit
The sub is called UnethicalLifeProTips, not AbhorrentLifeProTips
Mondai_May@reddit
or put out signs saying it's cancelled
imnickelhead@reddit
That could get them fired real quick. They’d know it was OP.
SKatieRo@reddit
Anonymously sponsor a club to have some other event at the same time elsewhere, live band and free alcohol.
Either way, I'd focus on your own newly rescheduled event-- whatever you can do to make your own event (not at the same time as his) have more people. Door prizes where people must he present to win, put stickers on posters with the other person's speaker on them telling people the new time in some slightly snarky way. Promise a different surprise famous guest and have them no-show?
tatasz@reddit
Free food on the opposite side of the campus. The students will prefer free food about 99% of time.
Mondai_May@reddit
have someone make a bingo event to win something university students really like for free. like say you are giving away BTS concert tickets or a Sabrina Carpenter meet and greet something like that. free year's supply of ramen maybe. make sure the numbers on the bingo cards and the numbers on the bingo balls are such that it's impossible to win BUT possible for many people to get close (so that they stay.)
ACynicalOptomist@reddit
Must be present to win.
StarbuckandTex@reddit
Bomb threat
Moist_Farmer3548@reddit
Tell them it's compulsory.