I want to go home
Posted by Yorkshire_rose_84@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 117 comments
Hi all
So myself, my husband and my 9 year old daughter moved to the US from the UK over 3 years ago for a my husband’s job as a professor. He is very well paid (I’m ashamed to say) and he really enjoys it. I don’t work here and I don’t feel fulfilled. My daughter loves her school and has lots of extra curricular activities. I just feel like a drag to them.
He has a great work life balance here. He goes to work at 8am and finishes work at 1. He gets to spend so much more time with our daughter than he did in the UK. There he had to work away from us as we lived in Swansea and he would commute London to work and live there for 4 days and see us on a weekend as there was no work in his field. Here he gets great holidays (off from November until January, June until September). Healthcare is great and I’ve found out I have health conditions the NHS wouldn’t diagnose. They even did my husband’s hip replacement for him here when they wouldn’t in the UK because they said he was too young.
I just miss the UK. I feel a little lost here at the moment. I don’t really know where I fit. I go to local groups and help out and have friends but I don’t work because I don’t have an EAD. I do miss working but I have a disability which makes me a bit of a liability because I’m not reliable all of the time. I don’t want to blow up my families happiness because they like it here. They love being able to go to the pool when it’s warm. My husband had friends and is making tracks at work. My daughter is at a great arts school that she wouldn’t be able to even get in the UK. Someone please tell me I’m just having a blip and to snap out of it.
Yes_Sunnyday@reddit
I’d like to suggest developing your artistic and musical side. Perhaps, take up guitar, singing, painting. There’s so much you can throw yourself into and enjoy and thereby feel better and make new friends.
Hungry-Teaching-154@reddit
That sounds like a solid idea! Exploring your creative side can really help you feel more fulfilled and connected. Plus, joining classes or groups related to those interests could also lead to meeting new people who share your passions.
No-Ambition-3386@reddit
My friend's mom is SAHM as well and every city they live in she volunteers and also teaches dance classes with no pay (volunteer work as well) is there sth specific you have an interest in that you could teach if not volunteering is a good start.
Apprehensive_Goal811@reddit
Is there a sizable UK expat community where you are? That might be fulfilling to join.
If I were in your position, I’d use my free time to study languages and literature. Not necessarily in a formal academic setting, but it’s something I’m interested in.
Outrageous_Smell_285@reddit
Look, you already said that you want to go home. Take a vacation for a couple of weeks alone and go to the UK, maybe that can give you a different perspective
HandMadeRukodelky@reddit
I was an immigrant to USA, first 5 years were hardest. After 5 years it started to be easier and easier. And now I don’t know where I belong more. The US or my birth country. Both have pluses and minuses.
I would say stick with it for another 6 years, and in the meantime volunteer, take classes, learn a new skill/hobby. Start every day with your favorite music and a plan for the day. 🍀
Yorkshire_rose_84@reddit (OP)
Thank you
expatforward@reddit
Therapist here. I feel like you're asking people to tell you to snap out of it, but this request itself tells me you already know this is not just a blip. Three years is long enough to know if one situation is working your you or not.
I noticed you framed this entire post about his job, her school, their happiness while you're somewhere in the background feeling lost and unfulfilled. Then you call yourself a drag on them. I've worked with trailing spouses before and this is a pretty common situation, they get their entire life structured around supporting other people's dreams while theirs disappear.
I totally understand the family dynamics and priorities but from what I read in your post I think it's time to understand what you actually want for you instead of for them. Like.. what would make you feel like you have your own life instead of just a supporting role in theirs.
And btw missing home is completely natural and I don't think this is homesickness. I honestly think that at this point its like you're drowning in the pool while beeing told you should be grateful for having it. Is there anything that would make you feel ok living there? And if so, what would that be ?
redpandaRy@reddit
This is great advice. Im a trailing spouse and almost i want to do is go home and get on with my, and our, life.
expatforward@reddit
It's indeed a really difficult position to be in. I don't really know your situation so I can't say much, but pretty often when I work with trailing spouses I see them end up in the "waiting to get back to our actual life" mindset (because yeah, that's the only possible way to think initially). But tbh this is exactly what keeps them stuck as well. Because as long as they're treating where they are as temporary (even if it's been years already), they never fully invest in building anything real there. Also, they can't move forward with the life they want because they're geographically in the wrong place.
It becomes this weird limbo where they're not living anywhere fully. They exist in between two versions of their life, and neither one gets to be real.
The feeling that this situation implies is horrible, sometimes all they need it's clarity about the timeline, sometimes it's better communication with their partner, sometimes it's self awareness about what they actually need. Honestly I've been seeing this pattern so much I'm thinking of writing a whole post about it.
No pressure to share, but have you figured out if going back is an actual plan with a timeline, or more of a "someday" thing that keeps getting pushed?
Substantial-Ebb4100@reddit
Remember you are you. Where you live now, are from, or are going, will never change that.
Substantial-Ebb4100@reddit
Not a therapist but a fellow expat (who has now been in the US longer than I lived up t’north in the UK, and now plan to be here forever). The most important thing imo is to be honest with yourself that this is hard and you are struggling. There is no need to feel a drag on others - your feelings are legitimate too, and while “snap out of it” would be the easy answer (and the very Yorkshire and British stereotype) it is not realistic. Trips back when possible are good, but try to find good salt of the earth people where you live too - I promise they exist here too, even if they look and sound different from home. Join clubs with activities you enjoy. Never be ashamed to admit moving countries is hard, even though there are significant benefits you recognize.
AprilPuglia@reddit
What makes you happy? What are you curious about? What engages you so much it allows you to completely get out of your head? I’ve spent a lot of time in a place my husband chose and that would not have been my first choice. Yet I’ve had a lot of great experiences here because I’ve tried to make it a priority to keep my life interesting—for my own sake. I know it’s more difficult with a child but follow that part of yourself that really wants to feel more absorbed, engaged and interested in the world she happens to be in now.
CantaloupeOk581@reddit
Two against one. Stop being so selfish
ibcarolek@reddit
You are home sick. Stop thinking of what you miss. Stop comparing to the rest of your family. Find yourself - what do you like? Focus on more of that. Approach things with curiousity, not as different. What a awesome experience you get to have with your family. Enjoy the sunlight.
LessCapital9698@reddit
I think you need to start by letting yourself feel your feelings. Don't dismiss them and tell yourself you're being unreasonable or silly or that you need to buck your ideas up. You've had a huge and challenging life change and it's ok to feel really challenged by it. To me it sounds like you need to grieve your losses a bit. Pretending there's no grieving to do is a recipe for never moving on, believe me. Whatever the grief.
When you've spent more time processing that you can then I hope start to find ways to identify what it is you want and need. Your post sounds to me like your identity is currently defined entirely in relation to your husband and daughter. What would it mean - who are you, in this new land - if you define yourself firstly with reference only to yourself, as an individual human with her own needs and ambitions and joys - and then as a wife and mother? It's totally natural when you move for someone else's work to find yourself defined by them, because it's literally their life that has defined yours. So you probably need to work extra hard to course-correct on that. The pleasant irony is a stronger sense of self will I suspect also make your relationships stronger.
juschillin101@reddit
Lmao this is a you problem and a family problem. I can somewhat understand wanting to force your spouse to stunt his career for you to go back to the UK with you for your sake (what are you even going to do there that’s so different from what you do in the US currently tbh), but the fact that you’ve said your child is getting a better education in the US and you STILL want to prioritize yourself is just beyond
Own_Intern9024@reddit
Please get treatment for your Narcissistic Personality Disorder and stop spreading hurt with your holiner than thou shitty comments.
Strict-Armadillo-199@reddit
Your take is the reading version of tone-deaf. You've projected things onto OP that are the opposite of what she said and how she said it. If English isn't your first language, well - ok. That's a valid excuse.
AwkwardRent5758@reddit
So why don't you work from home? I mean get digital find job, as many do nowadays, through the Internet. Give the challenge don't be shy build a brand new world around your new life. Feel challenged instead of feeling sad.
Zealousideal-You6712@reddit
Perhaps seeking assistance from a mental health professional might be a good place to start, perhaps understand whether this is being genuinely homesick or whether you have a clinical depressive issue that needs to be treated.
The last thing you can do, if you have some form of clinical depression, is just snap out of it. It doesn't work that way. That's like just telling an alcoholic to cut back on their drinking.
If you genuinely prefer your life back in Swansea that's a real thing, but having emigrated from the UK myself, no amount of money would get me to move back there, ever.
You could start with a simple appointment with a counselor from the Universities health services and see if they think investigating things further may be of assistance. There is no shame in getting mental health treatment, ignoring issues of depression can have very serious consequences and things rarely get better without help, much like your spouse's hip.
Hubby233@reddit
Are you trolling this sub? One long post about everything that's good about life in the States for your husband and child, but you are not fulfilled? Get a grip lady. I'm usually all for female empowerment, but you sound selfish. Having a child and a marriage means self sacrifice sometimes. This is such a case. Get a hobby and be grateful that the other family members are thriving. Your health isn't good and it won't be good in the UK either. So get a hobby and stick it up. This is truly the only sane answer, sorry to say.
Visible-Feature-7522@reddit
Volunteer at an organization you feel passionate about, you don't need a work permit for that.
invisiblegreene@reddit
Can you afford to go and visit the UK regularly? Do two weeks at Easter, or summer holidays, or Christmas? You aren't having a blip and you won't necessarily snap out of it, it will likely take effort for you to find your place as the 'trailing spouse', a trailing spouse support group might be helpful for you.
Fit-Suggestion-6@reddit
I completely agree with this. By making trips home you can get the best of both worlds and not feel stuck. I live in Europe so I’m able to make frequent small trips back to the UK. I started doing so after Covid and it was a game changer!
Crow_away_cawcaw@reddit
I go home for a 4-6 weeks every year. My partner and I have built this into our lives. We’re from different countries and don’t get to go together, but it’s the only thing that keeps me able to continue living abroad for this long.
Hot-Bison5904@reddit
I second taking long and frequent trips. Yes you might be around less often, but when you are around you're likely to be more focused on those you love.
Sydneysider14@reddit
“You’re ashamed that your husband is so well paid” ?????
Huh??????
Why the heck are you ashamed of that ?????
Makes no sense at all !!!!
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
csikszentmihalyiscat@reddit
I can sympathize somewhat though as an American but living in a country I can't stand (and can't stand the US either unfortunately for me). I hate to say pick up a hobby but throwing yourself into learning a language or a cuisine can really take your mind off things. Studying something. But beyond that just sending you pure unadulterated solidarity over the earth, for all those moments when you want to not get out of bed/don't know what to do with yourself/can't relate/want to scream.
Kesslandia@reddit
Take classes. Something you’ve always wanted to learn about. Get INVOLVED. Don’t isolate!
splitsecondclassic@reddit
The UK is a short 6 hour flight from the US east coast. Not sure where you live but perhaps taking more short trips home could help.
ErnestBatchelder@reddit
A well-paid higher education job with great medical in the US is a unicorn. Almost non-existent. If he's tenure track- you may be in for a long haul.
I don't think it's a blip, homesickness is homesickness, and not everyone can smoothly transition to a new culture, esp if they are feeling a lack of purpose. Arriving somewhere for work gives you structure; without that structure, the place can feel lacking.
If you aren't experiencing clinical depression, then this is situational. You are going to have to not only make an effort, but put in real work to find connections to both the place & to some people. I'd write down some lists of what you miss about your life in the UK, then try and find something local that, even if it is a poor facsimile, offers an overlap. Make your current job discovering one thing per week that brings you joy- a shop, a cafe, a walk, a museum, or challenge yourself to make one step towards finding community, even if it doesn't pan out. For "feeling useful" go to your daughter's school and see if there are any parent volunteer opportunities that may help you meet other parents. Meet up. org can be useful too. Ask your husband to make more of an effort when socializing with his friends to introduce you to their spouses.
dallyan@reddit
It’s not always the case. A lot of academic fields have very good pay. And the best health insurance/care I’ve ever had (and I’ve worked in four different countries) was the plan I had as a grad student and later T.A. while I was doing my PhD. Oh, and when I was a public school teacher in NYC. I was in the teachers’ union in both cases.
MilkChocolate21@reddit
I think they meant hard to get unicorn bc schools are facing funding cuts and the government has been waging war on higher ed. If you're already a tenured prof it's great. If you are hoping to become one, things are so bad some schools aren't taking new phds in individual departments. Zero.
dallyan@reddit
For sure. I’ve never been tenured for the record. I just wanted to give a shout out to the teachers union and the incredible benefits I had. Union strong!
MilkChocolate21@reddit
But yeah, my mom is a retired teacher and thankfully her healthcare coverage as a retiree is great. She's clearly Medicare eligible, but the retiree plan is what takes care of her. Unions are important. Which is why many cities, corporations, and universities are often trying to stamp them out.
ErnestBatchelder@reddit
I'm speaking about work in higher ed in the US. The majority of professors working today at universities are not tenured & working full-time; they are adjuncts. Full-time professors are retiring in higher numbers, but those tenured jobs are now being replaced by adjunct faculty who frequently work at more than one institution to get enough classes in. Because it's not full-time, no one is getting a great medical plan. This person offers plenty of citation to the trend to eliminate tenure:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAcademia/comments/1k94h4s/is_the_tenure_track_position_going_extinct/
Some public schools on both coasts do very well and have strong unions, true. Likely making more teaching high school than a professor. However, plenty of states in the US don't have strong teacher union protections.
dallyan@reddit
I know. I was also talking about higher ed in the US. And I know it’s getting worse and worse. People would be smart to carefully scope out which unis have a powerful union and decent benefits when deciding on grad school in the US (this sub isn’t just for Americans looking to be expats). I only applied to PhD programs in blue states with good unions and healthcare benefits because I knew I’d want to get pregnant while in grad school. It ended up being great. I paid barely anything for pregnancy and birth. Shout out to the AFT-AAUP. Union strong!
Plenty_Suspect_3446@reddit
You are having a blip and need to snap out of it. Your life sounds lovely. Its normal to get homesick. It's a common experience for expats to feel like an outsider. For the sake of your husband and daughter you need to carry this burden.
Strict-Armadillo-199@reddit
This reads like a "What NOT to say to someone with a chronic illness who is also (finally - she's been holding it in for the sake of her family) asking for help for their deep feelings of unhappiness" listicle.
Plenty_Suspect_3446@reddit
She asked for someone to tell her she is having a blip and needs to snap out of it.
naturalconfectionary@reddit
Workout daily, join a book club, join a tennis club, plan a holiday, go home for a few weeks, cook elaborate dinners lol
Strict-Armadillo-199@reddit
I bet you mean well, but a lot of these aren't necessarily viable options for someone like OP, limited by a chronic illness. A lot of users missed both that and the fact she's not allowed to work in the US
Golright@reddit
Some people... I really do not want to judge but cannot stop. Life is also about being happy that your family is happy. A whole country of 240 mill and you cannot loiter yourself? What are you missing? Pub life? Marks and Spencer food? Bike theft? Juvenile crime?
Just appreciate the gold plate your family has and I'm sure if you want, you can build your own community and be happier too!
rnochick@reddit
Be in service to others. Give time to a cause, be it children, pets, seniors. Volunteer at your local library. Sometimes finding your passion is giving your time to those who need it most.
monochromatic8@reddit
I totally understand you! I’m going through the same thing but we’re in the UK and I want to go back home to the US lol. For us my husbands work also brought us here but it’s temporary. We’ll be leaving in the next year and a half. Fortunately (I guess?), my husband and son also want to go back home as much as me.
But like you, it’s been super rough for me. I can’t get used to the constant gloomy, cold, rainy weather. I can’t get used to the everyday inconveniences. I have found that having friends has made a huge difference. I have made one good friend that I hang out with at least twice a week, and it’s made an enormous difference. I don’t feel so lonely or so displaced in life. But it took me like a whole year and some to meet her. It’s hard making friends as an adult but i joined a fb page to make friends in my area and I was lucky to find her by chance and we get along super well.
Yoga, Pilates, dance classes are places where you may be able to find friends that can help you get out of this low mindset. It does make a huge difference having another friend, someone other than your spouse to talk to and hang out with.
ExcellentWinner7542@reddit
Follow your heart and dreams. If moving back is your decision, don't let anyone or anything discourage you.
MadeThisUpToComment@reddit
Is volunteering an option?
As the spouse of a professor would you be able to take or audit some courses that would interest you?
Crow_away_cawcaw@reddit
Language lessons are another good one - Spanish for example. Having a clear goal + being around other people + tangible progress over time is empowering, no matter the subject.
SassyRebelBelle@reddit
Great suggestion. I actually went back to uni because I had only done one year.. We lived in China for 3 years and when both kids graduated high school there, we bought a house in US so one parent would be stateside for those shirt breaks they couldn’t come to China.
My husband stayed there on his own to put the kids through school. And since I hadn’t worked in 16 years I decided to go back to school and get my degree.
So I went part time… just 3 classes per semester… thank goodness as it was harder than I thought. I went part time for 8 yrs but I finally graduated. ♥️. It kept me young being around the kids which I mostly liked.
Check out the local unis and see what they offer. Take something you’ve always wanted to do .. fencing? Painting? Poetry? Interior design? Music? What ever.
Other than that? I recommend pickleball! My husband did come home and retire and we started pickleball. But we’ve met enough people that if one of us can’t go, the other goes anyway.. We really love it and have made friends with several different couples.
And I have more lady friends now than ever before in the US ( we lived 3 yrs Manila, 4 yrs Kuala Lumpur, 5 yrs Penang and 3 yrs China) so I understand about living in a country that isn’t your own. 🎯😒
Find something you are interested in and do it. No matter how crazy it might be. When we lived in Malaysia I took Tai Kwon Do and horseback riding with my kids. I loved it. ♥️
I do understand, OP. What was a lifesaver for me overseas was the International Women’s Club where all expat women got together once a month and there were all sorts of activities to get into.
When I came back to US I had reverse culture shock and just wanted to meet anyone who was from overseas. 🤷♀️😊 Seems like there should be a club like that in American cities. I’m sorry there isn’t that I know of. 😒
OP, I wish you the very best. ♥️. Don’t give up. If all else fails, maybe ask your husband for you to go home for a couple weeks… just to recharge. Sometimes that helps. 🤷♀️
Much respect to you ..from one expat wife to another! ♥️. Hang in there and find that thing to bring joy back to your life!♥️
Desperate_Quest@reddit
exactly my thought. One of the nice things about the US is that there are always volunteer organization's to get involved in
theMthrship@reddit
Public libraries are always looking for volunteers!
Tao-of-Mars@reddit
This is what I always suggest to people who are facing depression and social isolation. It’s a sure fire way to boost our mood for a longer duration and meet like-minded people. I’ve helped develop two social groups and one was a women’s hiking group. It’s gained and sustained the most members over time. People are looking for community, I think we just have to be willing to help cultivate those spaces.
EfficientBonus9324@reddit
Which state are you living in? The flyover states? Or New England?
It does make a difference as to what suggestions we can make.
In some cities, there are museums and/or art galleries that welcome docent guides. They put you through a course (a short one usually) and then you volunteer to guide visitors.
Also, if there is a British embassy near you, they usually host events that you can join and meet fellow British expats.
One other is storytelling. I may get fried for this but north Americans love the British accent. Volunteer for reading stories at the local school. Introduce the children to some British authors who write fun and humorous stories.
If you want to, get a PGDip. Then you can be a substitute teacher, if that is your thing.
Telecom_VoIP_Fan@reddit
Since life in the US is going so well for your husband and daughter, it makes sense to sit it out and hope that you will settle in better and your homesickness for the UK will dissipate.
newbreedrob@reddit
Fine something usefull for your time there are many classes , groups change your outlook.
Creative_Heart5008@reddit
Volunteering was my answer when I was in your situation. You could do something online if that feels easier!
tnvoipguy@reddit
The US is un free fall…it has peeked out and only has one way to go at this point. Let your husband enjoy his job for a while and go back home. US politicians have sold out to the corporations and they ha e stagnated real growth for regular people with incomes below 200k per year. The “middle class” is gone never to return. As soon as AI comes online fully…most college degrees will be worthless below Medical or Management. Simply not needed in the modern workforce thats supported by AI. Sorry to sound gloomy, but it’s the truth. We live in a country that prioritizes profit over physical and mental health if its citizens…thats a FACT.
phillyphilly19@reddit
Whether it's a blip or not, you do have some valid reasons for your unhappiness that, to me, have very little to do with being here vs there. You're not working due to your health, you have a disability, and you feel like a drag on your family. You sound depressed and you should definitely see a therapist to examine it all. One the to look at is what would actually be better for you in the UK, given your situation?
LaurLoey@reddit
i think everyone is missing the disability part. as i am disabled myself. it’s very hard to feel fulfilled, like a purposeful person, when you can’t function at your full capacity and potential. unable to work and desperately want to. then you add on that you can’t even legally work. that’s like a double door in your face and is totally enough to feel miserable.
and everyone around you is markedly better, and they are generally just happier. that contrast feels even harsher bc no one can understand you and they are just busy and happy. that’s kind of a fear of mine—being surrounded by people who don’t understand me or my struggle. life can feel lonelier.
i don’t doubt op misses home and all the things that are familiar to her. homesickness is hard. even if she is getting better, quicker healthcare here, emotionally this is not where her heart is. she is asking people to help her work through this in her head. but like you, I also think she is depressed. she sounds very depressed. therapy would be good…to pinpoint exactly why she feels the way she does…and then how to do something about it.
we don’t know her history, but she can ask herself did she feel fulfilled, purposeful, and happy before the move? was family just her and hubby then? or did she have her daughter, relatives, and lifelong friends, too. or was she always feeling a bit blue and dissatisfied w life. so many variables we are just not privy to.
tropikaldawl@reddit
I disagree completely. You can completely feel uninspired and unhappy due to a place. Some personalities derive their energy from their surroundings, and it can really impact you.
phillyphilly19@reddit
I'm not saying that can't be a cause. I'm saying that in her case nothing she said implies it is the cause. Regardless, this is clearly the best place for her husband and son, and for her when she factors in the healthcare they have received. Sometimes you have to put others ahead of yourself and make the best of things. But in this case, she's not really making the effort to improve her own life, thus the recommendation.
FredMcGriff493@reddit
Why are you ashamed to say that your husband is paid well.
CuriousLands@reddit
Just wanted to say I feel you. I also can't work due to health issues, can't be reliable in it. I made some friends, then lost them. My husband is quite happy but I feel pretty isolated. I'd like to say it gets better but I'll be real with you, I've been here 8 years and it's not really better.
But maybe if everything else is really working out so well for your husband and kid, and it sounds like everything but this is lining up quite nicely, you should try to figure out what would make you feel more fulfilled and work towards it, even if to just a degree. It might too your balance enough that you can be happy there. And it sounds like you ah ent identified what is making you unhappy, beyond the work thing, which sounds as if it might follow you back to the UK to a degree.
Questioner4lyfe2020@reddit
Well when can you get your EAD?
NoComb398@reddit
You sound depressed, to be honest. Have you thought about seeing a counselor?
I hope you can find your groove because it sounds like you guys have landed in an ideal spot.
So you have hobbies you could lean into? A volunteer project you could work on? A class you could take?
tropikaldawl@reddit
I find this to be a weird take. I can relate to her. But even if she is depressed there is a root cause that seeing a counsellor won’t fix at all. It really is possible to just not vibe with the place you’re in. When this is the problem, the longer you stay, no matter how much you do to compensate for it, that feeling doesn’t go away.
therapyinenglish@reddit
It's the right and wrong take at the same time. It's the right take that she's likely depressed (as evidenced by the way she goes to extraordinary lengths to downplay the significance of her own feelings) and the wrong take for the reason you say. People who are depressed and in a situation they don't want to be in tend to stick around because they think they can force themselves to snap out of it. People who aren't tend to recognize how they feel immediately and assess pretty quickly whether the downsides of a situation outweigh the benefits. A good counselor wouldn't focus on her trying to feel better about a situation she doesn't feel good about but would rather help her feel that her bad feelings about the place are legitimate and deserve weight in the decisions her family ultimately makes about where to situate themselves. She may ultimately still decide it's worth it to stay, but not if she treats her sadness about how difficult the situation is as something to hide away. It's amazing what peace people can make with situations when they allow themselves to grieve the hardships. But even situations that are great overall become intolerable when the less positive aspects of them are ignored rather than acknowledged, grieved, and kind of metabolized (ironically I often see this in couples - they are madly in love but can't fully allow themselves to feel and experience that love because they just can't let go of their partner's challenges, shortcomings, limitations, etc., that are of course simply endemic to being a human. Marriage brings both the joy of getting to spend your life with the qualities you fell in love with, and also the deep sadness of the inevitable problems that will come with the other person's difficulties. This is why acceptance and love are practically synonymous).
NoComb398@reddit
It depends on OPs goals. To me, it read as she wants to be happy and content in this situation that is overall much better for the family unit. She has a disability and can't work and feels like a drag to the family. If her goal is to resolve that "feeling like a drag" and lack of fulfillment, therapy can absolutely help her address those things.
therapyinenglish@reddit
What strikes me most isn't the homesickness, it's the way you've framed your own pain as a problem you're inflicting on other people. You describe yourself as "a drag," you're "ashamed" your husband earns well, you don't want to "blow up" their happiness. You've spent this whole post making the case that your feelings are illegitimate, and then at the end you ask someone to basically finish the job for you by telling you to just snap out of it. But you can't snap out of how you actually feel!
I mean look, you moved countries, you gave up work, professional identity, and all the kind of familiar things that make up a life you can call your own. You're unfortunately navigating a disability that makes the already-hard project of building a new life even harder. And you're doing all of this while everyone around you is thriving, and, sadly, instead of being happy for them and sad for you, you turn this against yourself and makes your own struggle feel like ingratitude rather than grief. But you can both be unhappy while they are happy. This is a real and possible thing that can happen.
So rather than snapping out of it, rather than asking for permission to stop feeling what you're feeling (which is not possible anyway), what's going to serve you best is exactly the opposite. You want to actually pay attention to how your are feeling, because it is only way to weigh what you'd actually like to do here, how to handle things. Something in you hasn't found its place yet, and that matters, and it deserves more than suppressing reality.
So the reality is you're not feeling great about thigns but that doesn't mean you're a drag. You're a person whose life got reorganized around everyone else's needs (likely not the first time this has happened), and who is quietly waiting to find out if there's still room for her in it. But that requires a conversation with your husband rather than, "Don't mind me, I'm just having a hard time."
ThisSideOfHistory@reddit
Play tennis! I started at 40 and met so many people. It's good for physical health, mental health, and longevity. Find out if there are any beginner clinics in your area.
Jauggernaut_birdy@reddit
Try to go home to visit a couple of times a year. If you don’t work that makes it easier to be able to go. Visiting for a week or two will help keep that connection to the UK and give you something to look forward to.
Cool_Finance_4187@reddit
You can teach me English online :) :}
LizP1959@reddit
Take a vacation to the UK by yourself but keep your eyes open. Just go, spend some time, walk around and look at houses for sale in areas you like with an estate agent. Maybe pop in at your old GP and have a smirk or a sad smile.
By all accounts in your post your lives are ALL better…
Kiwiatx@reddit
I’m not understanding why you don’t have an EAD? Upon what visa basis is your husband employed? You can get an EAD as the spouse of an H1B or L1B holder or if he has an approved I-140.
You need to get out of the house to do meaningful things for yourself. That might be working, but it might also be volunteering, working out, studying, learning a vocational skill, it could be anything.
neelvk@reddit
Not having an EAD sucks because you want to work in a paid profession but can’t. I would suggest you find volunteer work that aligns with your interests and helps you to grow the position you will ultimately have.
This may also be the best time to transform yourself. If you wanted to run a marathon or become an amazing cook, this is your opportunity.
georgegasstove@reddit
This is a great plan! I'll be moving soon and this is my mindset--do things I haven't had time to do while working : )
DancesWithDawgz@reddit
Even a 5k
Unable_Tumbleweed364@reddit
Your life sounds good and better here!
Will you be able to work in the future? I think that will really sound more connected to your local community. Can you visit home more often?
tastethehappy@reddit
Where in the US are you?
and are you in a city or suburbs/rural.
I'm an expat and miss London, especially as we're in a fairly rural part of MA.
I would focus on solving your work and social challenges - can you find some part time work, and maybe meet up with kid parents friends outside of playdates?
Pamamore@reddit
Im also from UK. Ive lived in the Middle East, Northern Italy and Sicily and never have I felt so much like a fish out of water as I do here in MD, US. That being said. It has forced me to THINK differently as I now believe alot of what we go through we think through. Change your mindset and change your life. The fact that money seems no issue you can use to your advantage? What are your hobbies? What state are you currently in also? Sometimes the local culture has alot to do with it.
antiputer@reddit
Do it!
smallchainringmasher@reddit
Lol for commenters. OP, we feel you. For your comments, it's usual that folks massacre the US health care system but, yet, you found some advantages, nice
United-Depth4769@reddit
Volunteer at a homeless shelter
Dry-Entrepreneur-226@reddit
Or a dog shelter 😊
LinderTheRed@reddit
I don't think you're having a blip; I think that being a trailing spouse can really suck, as I was there for several years.
After living and working in London - we were poor but happy - my then-husband was sent to Asia. Being unable to work eventually put me in a serious downward spiral of anxiety which nobody else understood and I eventually became agoraphobic.
We lived in luxury in Asia (Hong Kong/Philippines) but having servants stressed me to tears. My husband was genuinely perplexed as his first wife had loved the expatriate lifestyle. Even when I eventually got my work permit, it didn't really matter as I was on local salary, not my husband's big fat expat salary. He couldn't understand why I would bother to work.
Although my first recommendation would be to see an attorney about getting an EAD or work visa, this may not solve things for you. I would hope that you could talk about your feelings with your husband and daughter. Your needs are no less important than theirs; please don't fool yourself into thinking that you don't matter.
phunkmaster2001@reddit
You can get a part time job somewhere that would be easy and fun, like a bookstore or coffee shop.
You can volunteer your time at local charities, animal shelters, or at your kid's school.
Download the app Meetup and go to anything that interests you.
You really need to keep yourself busy, as well as fulfilled. We all need a purpose, and sometimes being a wife and a mother just isn't enough. And that's okay! But your happiness in life is important, too, and we feel so much happier when we have a sense of purpose.
tropikaldawl@reddit
I think what you are experiencing is a misalignment between your gut/heart and your rational mind. I feel the same way from living in the US. I thought it couldn’t be as bad as I imagined, and it turned out to be worse for me personally, and despite every effort I’ve put into it, I just have never felt fulfilled or inspired here like I have in so many other continents and countries I’ve lived in. I know it may not sound like it but I have really tried so many things and put my best foot forward for years. I just have never felt at home. What makes this hard is that now the kids have gotten used to it and my husband too, and so my ability to move elsewhere is just about impossible now. I was dead set on moving before / during Covid and it didn’t happen.
Transhumanfuture@reddit
You’re having a blip. Snap out of it. Set some goals. Go outside. Enjoy the outdoors.
Main-Neck-140@reddit
Yeah it sounds like for the numerous positive reasons laid out you should stay. Why eff it up for your family just because youre homesick. Go back and visit a few times a year- just don't be selfish when the rest of your family is content.
_TTYN@reddit
Why don’t you try to start a small business? What was it you did for work?
romanu_21@reddit
So money is no issue, family is happy, you spend time with your family, more time that you could spend in the UK, but you want back to the UK. Come on, man, can your family catch a break?
bit_herder@reddit
bored wife syndrome is real
cama29@reddit
Idea: if you have access to local or neighborhood based Facebook or Reddit groups, you could post “any Brits here?” and plan some kind of tea or pub meetup (sorry for stereotyping — just trying to make it tangible), something you’d all do if you were home and miss experiencing.
I organized something similar a few years ago, and it turned into a monthly event that was incredibly rewarding. It wasn’t hard either. I picked a time and a place, put out there in a few groups, and showed up blind. The first month, 6 people came. 6 months in, 30-40 people were joining. Consistency was key — quite a few people told me they’d seen my posts a few times before they could make it, but once they got there it became a monthly feature of their calendar because they loved it so much.
I can’t say if you’re having a blip or not. Only time will tell. In the meanwhile it might help to cultivate a taste of home where you are.
cama29@reddit
If what you’re looking for is less so connection and more so purpose, could you start a business? I’m not sure if the visa rules around that but it would give you flexibility to work around your disability at your own pace, and it doesn’t sound like you have pressure to generate income so it’s kind of a dream set up to try something and see if you can break even. Could be as simple as baking bread for weekend farmers markets and growing relationships with customers, 5-10 hours per week as a remote consultant in your field, or even being a coach for others moving from the uk to your city.
Positive_Hall_3207@reddit
I can relate to your situation. I am from France and I live in California. I have an immune system disease that is debilitating and affects my energy level and mobility at times. The transition from working full time to part time to periods of no work was difficult to adjust with , mentally and emotionally. I did some therapy , I started volunteering in my community( sometimes for few hours or raising money) and I found some Art and craft groups, expat groups, some people with my medical condition. Some online as well, sometimes I just read on forums and blogs. Also I met people who were kind and understanding about my life situation and engage with about different things, light hearted conversations, a chat over tea , a small walk, an exchange of skills/ interests. Homesickness is real and the feeling of not quite fitting doesn’t really go away. Those affect expats in different degrees and different ways. Social isolation is not something to treat lightly though in my personal experience. Maybe plan a longer stay in the UK as well if possible. Your feelings are valid. I send you love and light to keep in your pocket .
swampgremlins@reddit
Sounds like you just need something interesting to do. Get some hobbies, join a gym, volunteer, start a business
LiveTheDream2026@reddit
Besides going back to the UK, what is your plan to make yourself a "success" there? Are you a person who is going to bloom where "they are planted" or "whine where they are planted"?
real_agent_99@reddit
Sounds like overall the US is better for your family's quality of life, but you're homesick. You just need to find a way to address that. Maybe take a few more trips home? Find a Brit expat group. Join some volunteer organizations and make new friends?
mintjulep_@reddit
This sounds so fake. Well paying academia job with amazing healthcare. Off Nov to Jan..June to Sept. like what no…I call 100% BS
davidswelt@reddit
You have more work opportunities than in the UK (if you get a work permit). Why do you think that your disability and associated unreliability somehow would vanish once you get home? Grass, greener. Illusion.
Wherever you are, there you are.
croquembouche_slap@reddit
Reading between the lines (you say you miss the UK but don't specify aspects or people, and you mention wanting to "snap out of it"), it sounds like you do believe staying in the US is the best decision for you and your family? Something to remember is that the UK you return to won't be the UK you left. People will have moved on, social dynamics evolved, and the same discomfort you're feeling now may exist in the UK too. I think sometimes as expats we tend to blame everything on place, rather than recognizing a tricky life stage. As other posters have said, therapy is always a good idea!
LaurLoey@reddit
homesickness is real. but sometimes it’s just nostalgia. if he is well-paid, arrange a visit back home. maybe you only need a moment, and then will appreciate what you have here more.
MaxMoanz@reddit
Really sounds like you guys have a great deal going. How long have you guys been there?
LibrarianByNight@reddit
3 years according to the post.
Ok-Stress2326@reddit
It took me 3 years to start falling in love with my current city, because I was always comparing it to London uk. But now, as I accepted all the good and bad, I wouldn’t want to go back to Uk. Give yourself a bit more time, travel around find in love with small things around you
Typical-Badger5533@reddit
I'm Canadian, lived in Swansea for many years and recently left and moved back to Canada. I've also lived in a couple of places in Europe. The homesickness for Swansea/UK is real, but I can say having made this move more than once, your feeling is 90% not having a group of friends or hobbies or a job that fulfills you where you are now. I've often found that when I decide I'm going to move back, that's when I lighten up and start meeting new people and doing things and then I have to leave! Your family is in a good place and you are too. Visit home as much as you can, but also give your current place fresh eyes and think about what it is that would make you happier where you are.
Hot-Bison5904@reddit
Do you have the option to study something at your husband's school? There are plenty of older students in the US (my mother is actually one rn) it could be a good way to keep busy if you can't work. Often family of faculty gets to study for free.
meshyl@reddit
You are bored and unchallenged. Can you work part time? Anything, just to socialise and get out of the house.
TravelingBop@reddit
Is it possible to work remotely for a UK company? Sounds like you have a phenomenal situation even for US standards. I'm a university professor and I don't have the schedule he has?!?!?! Would love to know what utopia he has found in higher ed!
CacklingWitch99@reddit
If she has no EAD she cannot work at all
Cojemos@reddit
Therapy. Start there. This is greater than what this sub can offer. But... do be aware of resentment that masks itself as something else.
magrandan@reddit
What exactly you miss about the UK - Grey skies or high taxes?
SnooDoodles8775@reddit
So I'm not exactly in the same boat, but as an early retiree who left work due to chronic migraines, I kind of get feeling like I no longer have a purpose with much of my day. I've tried to develop interests, take up new hobbies and try to stay "productive". It helps. Can you take trips home to the UK to visit? I'm away from my family too.
General_Will_1072@reddit
Seems like you should find work or something else to remain engaged. If it continues like this with no solution, might as well divorce and go back. No point in becoming the thorn in the flesh. Also you need to be happy on your own
magrandan@reddit
WTF is this advice? Why do you western people always talk about divorce the moment your partner sneezes?
nonotthestew@reddit
It's really hard to feel like you fit when you aren't working. I'm American and my husband is an engineering lecturer here in the UK. Working conditions are not great at the moment, and a lot of unis are much worse off than the one he is at. They've basically said nobody is advancing for the foreseeable future so we're moving to Finland. Probably not a great time for your husband's career to move back (but that could depend on a lot of factors).
Anyway, I know from experience it's really hard to find your fit when you aren't working. What are you doing to keep busy and meet people? I didn't start feeling at home here until I joined a bookclub and had a thing to do that wasn't family related.