Expat life goes on till when?
Posted by Ponchiksmom@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 18 comments
So me and my husband have been living in different countries for the past 7 years and we even met in a country where was not a home to any of us.we are making ok money and visit our families once a year in 2 different countries . My homeland and his homeland. It has been almost a month that we changed our country again. We moved to Kyrgyzstan. A country where we don’t speak their language and have not made friends yet. The more it goes the more difficult it gets to socialise and make friends. We are both 32 and love to hang out in general but as we age the energy is lower and it takes so much effort to build new friendships and the fact that our previous friendships just slowly fade away hurts us badly. TBH with all respect to this country now and all other places we stayed, I do not want to bring children in a Post Soviet country. Language, air quality , education and all these are concerning me. You might say well then go back to your own countries. We love our jobs and the workfiled and finding careers in our dream countries are not the easiest thing in the world and we need to survive. Those who have been living as expats, what do you think about life where anywhere you go, feels like a stranger and going to your own home is just once a year as a guest. Did you begin to think of having kids in a country where you had to work and how did it work out for you? How long should we keep going on like this?how do you deal with this expat life situation, not having a home and planning to have children?
9isgt0@reddit
You can't have the cake and eat it too. You have to make decisive sacrifices and live with them. Whether it would be career or the kids. And IMHO, these are all personal decisions and no wrong answer, people decide to take shitter jobs, and people also decide to have kids that are probably in worse countries than you. No one can answer these intimate questions for others.
Ponchiksmom@reddit (OP)
Yes i totally agree they are personal but I was curious to know what others experienced. It’s almost a scenario which implements in different families no matter how different the country or you background is
9isgt0@reddit
Personally If I am having a good life in the country I live in, then I would have kids there as well. And, If I think it's not sustainable for my family then I would move.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
This is something I I decided for myself when I originally contemplated migration.
In my case I was planning on moving forever. I was planning on staying in the same country forever because I knew that to truly settle (to learn language, get local friends, to become well informed about country) will take years/ decade. Moving from country to country would erase already achieved progress.
I am not super career driven person so I was OK to move to a country where I knew I may not be able to progress much career vise.
But if career were super important for me, I can see myself making different choices and living with consequences.
So my immigration will last for as long as I am alive.
mintjulep_@reddit
Expat to immigrate or go home. Those are the options
Moist-Ninja-6338@reddit
Impossible to read this post
Catcher_Thelonious@reddit
Goes on as long as you can sustain it. I started in 1988 and just moved again two months ago. Been married 31 years, no kids, though.
bananamuffin98@reddit
what do you do for a living? moving around so much sounds amazing, but i don’t think my career (engineer) would allow for it lol
Catcher_Thelonious@reddit
Education: TEFL, EAP, communication, leadership
Ponchiksmom@reddit (OP)
Have you lives in Kyrgyzstan before? How was you’re experience?
Catcher_Thelonious@reddit
Lived in KZ and UZ, spent a couple of months in KG. Really miss Central Asia (apart from the winter air pollution).
Early_Switch1222@reddit
i relate to this so much. i moved from greece to the netherlands about 5 years ago for work and i am still here. not 7 countries like you, but the emotional cycle you describe is very familiar to me.
the friendship thing is the hardest part and i think people who have never been expats seriously underestimate it. it is not just "making new friends." it is the exhaustion of constantly being the new person, of having to explain your entire life story from scratch to every single person, of investing in relationships knowing that one of you will probably move in two years anyway. after a while you start protecting yourself by not investing as deeply, and then you feel lonely, and it becomes a cycle.
what changed things for me was accepting that i was going to stay in the netherlands for a while. not forever, maybe not even five more years, but long enough to actually commit to a place. once i stopped mentally treating it as temporary, everything shifted. i joined a sports club (not an expat one, a local dutch one), started learning dutch properly, and slowly built something that actually feels like a life here rather than an extended work trip.
on the kids question: i do not have kids yet but i think about it a lot. what i have noticed from friends who had kids abroad is that the kids adapt way faster than the parents expect. the bigger issue is whether YOU feel stable enough in a place to handle the stress of early parenthood without a family support network nearby. that is the honest question. can you do it without your mom being a short drive away? some people can, some really struggle with it.
the fact that you are asking these questions at 32 means you are at exactly the point where a lot of expats either commit to a place or go home. neither answer is wrong. but staying in perpetual motion while wanting stability is the one thing that does not work long term.
MadeThisUpToComment@reddit
Until you decide to stop.
Either because you tire of the dynamics of moving to new countries or find a job, place or other reasons to settle somewhere.
We moved a few times, but when kids were getting older (oldest was 8) we decided we wanted to settle somewhere. Found a place and a job that offered nearly everything we were looking for and said in a year we either needed to commit to staying there until kids were done with school or move back to one of iur home countries. We've bow been in the same country for 8 years and expect to be here for at least another 8 years until all kids are out of secondary school.
Ponchiksmom@reddit (OP)
I already feel tired of moving from one country to another, although it has been a month we have moved to the new place. I would like to settle in and call one place “home” but we cant find jobs ugh…
FrancisMacom@reddit
Find a country you like where you can work and stay for a few years. A place you can feel safe and calm and with enough time to build relationships and community. I moved around a lot but 12 years ago I decided I needed to put down roots somewhere. Not my home country, not perfect, may not stay forever. But it's been relaxing to have that stability and sense of belonging. Also a decent place for kids. Life as an always moving expat is easier. You aren't dealing with drivers license, home ownership, schools, complicated taxes, and all sorts of other layers of burocracy. When you find a place you want to stay for awhile, make sure you integrate and learn the language. It will be some up front work but will make your life easier for years to come. Also consider if the country you choose offers a path to long term residence or citizenship so you won't be scrambling for a new visa every few years.
Ponchiksmom@reddit (OP)
The thing is we have 1 or 2 countries which we both love but the job market is so shitty these days. Especially for academics. Everywhere you can find a one or two years position and that’s it. That’s why we have stayed here for the permanent position at least.
Impossible-Snow5202@reddit
I'd look more closely at that.
I hear people talking about being 65+ and not having energy, but at 32 you should still be bouncing off walls.
If you don't have energy while you are so young, you should get a good medical checkup, and if everything is okay with your health, you should admit your lifestyle is dragging you down.
Of course. You don't live there anymore. It is not your home anymore, and you are a guest.
If you want a place to be your home, you have to stay there long enough to make it a home.
Not everyone thinks home is in one place. People who enjoy a nomadic life find home within themselves.
Ponchiksmom@reddit (OP)
We are a healthy couple :) we love partying and doing sports but what I mean is it takes a lot of energy to build a friendship and social relationships from zero. It takes me a lot of effort to join groups whom I know no one and try to blend in and start conversations. I am more of an introvert also so that doesn’t help much