Is it normal to invite people to outings without asking?
Posted by Ississ-Perok@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 63 comments
I live abroad and have a group of friends that includes a few from the UK and some from other countries. Usually I plan outings and we meet up and hang out in a variety of places, from lunch, to swimming spots, to festivals, to museums. On more than one occasion one of my friends from the UK will send in the chat that they are bringing someone, or that someone else is coming too and they hope that's okay, usually the same day as the plan itself.
Where I'm from, this is rude and it frustrates me every single time. I don't object to it in the moment because these people are already invited and they didn't do anything wrong by accepting an invitation. If my friends would ask before hand, in most situations an extra person would be welcome. But they don't.
I've dropped hints that it upsets me and makes me uncomfortable, but before I address the problem, I wanted to see if this was normal social etiquette in the UK. Since more than one person has done this, I don't want to get too upset if this isn't considered rude.
I'm also afraid that I'm just upset because the only time we hang out as a group is when I plan something, and when they bring someone without asking it feels like it's undermining my effort to get everyone together. I don't want to cross wires on the issue, so I thought I would ask.
Nirnroot_Enjoyer@reddit
It's vibes based imo.
A casual gathering large gathering where an extra person wouldn't impose, or impose on the hot, then yeah sure.
If it was something formal, or more intimate, then I'd consider it rude not to ask.
If you're hosting, and you want to keep it tight, you could always shoot out messages to conform numbers, so that you know how much food or drinks you need etc.
If that doesn't prompt someone to check if they can bring someone, then that's their crappy behaviour.
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
That's a really good idea, I'll start throwing in messages about headcounts and making sure I have enough food or supplies for everyone who is coming! Thank you!
Nirnroot_Enjoyer@reddit
Haha you gotta get sneaky with it!
Upon rereading your post, i was just curious whether this person was bringing someone new - like a date or something? Or were they bringing a good friend of theirs?
I'm just wondering if it's like a social awkwardness situation?
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
It's been two different people inviting others, which is why I thought this might be a cultural thing! Twice it was someone who I didn't know, other times it was someone I had heard of or only met in passing.
The people they invite have all been nice people, so luckily there wasn't any awkwardness that I could see/feel. Can't speak for others in the group though.
Nirnroot_Enjoyer@reddit
Hmmm, interesting..
One more question, are those extra guests foreigners too?
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
They are!
Nirnroot_Enjoyer@reddit
Ah ok, this makes me think they're inviting those people in order to help bring them into the social group, because they're sympathetic to the difficulties of living in a foreign country.
My brother has settled in Finland, and from what I can tell, they're always making the effort to socialise with other new foreigners that they meet.
I could be way off lol, but it's still polite to ask first!
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
That's a good point, if that's what their doing then it's more than welcome. I do just wish they would ask first! When I talk to them I'll ask about it!
Nirnroot_Enjoyer@reddit
Oh absolutely. And to your initial question, us Brits would usually find this to also be a bit rude, so it is a bit surprising!
But I guess you've got yourself a few, somewhat unique Brits! Haha
WorryOriginal1989@reddit
You sound annoyingly uptight.
notouttolunch@reddit
Yes.
ams3000@reddit
I hate when people do this. Changes the whole vibe usually and makes me less comfortable with my friends. Also it’s a bit rude. I seem to be in minority though so will leave it.
FWIW it does happen on occasion here but don’t think it’s common
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
I feel less comfortable too, but I usually manage to push it aside for a couple of hours for the sake of the vibe. I want to be friendly to the new person too, so I try to focus on that. Glad I'm not the only person who gets uncomfortable with it though!
ams3000@reddit
I’m all for meeting new people. It’s more the dilution of the chat as there is nothing worse than in jokes that leave others feeling left out. So you end up chatting small talk. Reminds me a little of that ‘Group Chat ‘the TikTok series that everyone loved last year.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNR4dfURq/
benistowninspector@reddit
This is somewhat common in the UK. But honestly tell your friend how you feel. Let them know you find last minute changes frustrating and if they could let you know further in advance when inviting another person.
Feema13@reddit
I can’t help but disagree here. It is common but OP shouldn’t tell their friend how they feel.
It sounds like it’s a general hang out, not an organised party. Texting a few people if they want to meet at a beach, does not constitute control over that space and anyone can invite anyone. You’ve no reason to be upset at all
benistowninspector@reddit
Idk, if you are bringing food, drinks and snacks for everyone its good to know how many people are coming. Plus it seems like these situations genuinely stress out OP. Its best to be honest with your friends about how you feel, otherwise animosity just builds up over time.
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
I feel better knowing it's common, thank you!
Squeak_Stormborn@reddit
If it's a public place you're not paying for, with a group of people then yes - completely normal.
If it's somewhere you need to book in advance / pay to attend, or it's in someone's home then no - they should ask first.
If it's a special event like a birthday, always ask first.
SpudFire@reddit
Those seem like fair rules to me. I'd also add that whoever is brining along a friend really needs to be sure that this person fits the vibe of the group. I've met some great people that get invited along to future gatherings and basically get inducted as a new member of the group. I've also met some people that make me question why my friend thought it would be a good idea to bring them along
After_Translator_223@reddit
I'd say it's somewhat normal, but definitely gets on my nerves too.
jobione1986@reddit
I think you also need to look into why is bothers you. Do you need to control the friendship group? Are you worried the new person will divert attention. A lot of these things are very normal in the UK. An example is I put out a message to say I'm going soft play anyone want to come and bring the kids.... My other friend was like, my other friend is at a lose end and my mom (it's mom is the west mids before I get accused of not being from the UK) wants to come too. It would be bad form for me to say no as it a public place. If I invited them round my house that would be different as I have to host provide food ect. But normally it's more the merrier. Would only be tea and coffee biscuits... Possible some crisps or carrots stick anyway (a snack).. or feeding the kids.
Abject-Lengthiness42@reddit
If it is causing issues like you have to buy extra tickets to the event or there are limited spaces, I guess that is annoying. But I'd there just a group hanging i don't see the issue.
Please tell us where you live as we can guage if it is more common there, etc?
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
Once or twice it has been an event with limited space/something we're supposed to reserve in advance, but usually just when we're hanging out.
We live in Japan, but only one member of the group is Japanese.
LockedOut2222@reddit
If it is something that requires advanced booking/payment and you've already done so for the rest of the group, I'd say it's fine for someone to invite another person so long as they don't expect you to do the legwork of sorting their ticket. So if someone is inviting someone else at the last minute, then the inviter or invitee is responsible for getting tickets, not you. Most of the examples you gave (meeting for public swimming, a festival, museum of it is just general admission that can be bought on arrival) I think are not rude. But expecting you to do more work to organise at the last minute is rude. So in those cases, I'd say to my friend if they want someone else to come along then they can sort it.
PartyPoison98@reddit
It really varies by the exact event. If im down the pub with a group of friends, and one friend brings an extra friend then its no big deal as long as they're alright. If I was meeting one friend individually and they brought a friend along, I'd be slightly miffed.
Midnight7000@reddit
Peak Reddit.
Yes, it is normal. Learn to be sociable and expand your network.
ZestyMonstera@reddit
No this is not considered rude. We have a saying, "the more the merrier". It is nice to meet your friends' friends. If the gathering is at your house then it would be rude to bring uninvited people without asking. But for activities out and about where someone can easily tag along it is not rude and is seen as fun.
Glass_Minute4753@reddit
In the circumstances that you are describing, whereby it sounds like you are a group of mainly foreigners living in Japan, then yes I think it's normal. It's how people get to know other people in a new country, and those extending the invites are more likely to do so because they have had the same experience themselves.
Schlurff@reddit
Some people are very much ‘the more the merrier’ but if it imposes on your hosting, this is rude without checking before hand.
Some people take it a little far, I had arranged a family style get together between my husband, his sibling and partner at Christmas. And the sibling’s partner bought 8 people who hadn’t even met my husband’s sibling. Very awkward sibling gift exchange with strangers asking me and my husband and ‘our side’ how we all knew each other. Like there is a time and a place for socialising with strangers and that weren’t it!
HotButteredBagel@reddit
One thing I haven’t seen people mention here is more subtle. If you’re a guy and the people bringing an extra are women then it might be they’re signalling that this is not any kind of date. They like you but don’t want you to think they’re interested in a relationship so they bring a friend along to make it a group social event.
Grouchywhennhungry@reddit
Are they bringing them to your home?
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
They did on one occasion, but it has been a few months since that happened.
Medibot300@reddit
This annoys me. I recently met up with a friend looking forward to catching up, only to find they had other friends there. We went to a second venue and they had half arranged another get together. The friends’ kids turned the place upside down while I tried to get a word in edgewise.
Working_Bowl@reddit
From the type of meet ups you have described, then yes it’s completely normal.
If it was a smaller, planned intimate thing like a meal out with a small group of friends, or a small group at your house then I would always check in advance (I would probably not bring anyone though).
Fantastic_Deer_3772@reddit
If its casual e.g. meeting up in a park, beach, bar/pub, or some types of party, it's pretty normal to have someone tag along, especially if they've spent time together earlier in the day.
scorcherchar@reddit
Depends on the friend group and the activity but certainly isn't highly unusual.
You haven't articulated why having a last minute addition is an issue. If they are doing it for things that cause complications or additional expense you can and should say no. They did ask after all.
You could also just ask them not to do it in future - "It's fine this time but next time could you not invite a +1 or give me more notice because xyz reason"
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
It depends on the plans, but transportation, where we eat, and sometimes tickets can get difficult if I don't know in advanced the number of people coming. Luckily it's nothing that can't be fixed if I know ahead of time though! I suppose it's just frustrating when it's an hour before meet-up and someone has suddenly been invited. If it's not unusual, then I definitely approach this better. Thank you!
TheEnglishNorwegian@reddit
Usually people buy their own tickets if they are jumping into a group thing late.
TheEnglishNorwegian@reddit
It depends, if you are having people to your place and cooking or something, then yes it is rude.
Otherwise no, not really, it's perfectly normal to have people bring +1 or more sometimes. Especially for stuff like festivals, our camp usually ended up becoming quite sprawling at times.
Slow_Mix5034@reddit
I think it’s rude for them not to give you a heads up first if you’re the one who initiated the plan.
GirlMcGirlface@reddit
If it's just to hang out in a pub or park I don't see the issue. If it's in your home, requires a prior prepayment, or numbers are restricted, or a restaurant booking/dinner party which might have a seating plan, absolutely not, they should ask in advance. I'd say the same if it was my birthday, I wouldn't like to have strangers there
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
Thank you! I'll be open to adding people in the park or other more public settings, and I'll be bit more firm for hang-outs at my house or places that require prior payment!
ryrypot@reddit
Most of the examples in your original post are public settings though. Swimming spots, festivals, museums.
What's the issue here?
twonaq@reddit
The more the merrier, a stranger is a friend you haven’t met.
ForestCl0uds@reddit
I have a friend who consistently does this, even at small gatherings.
It used to bother me a bit, but I started to see it as well-intentioned and coming from a place of just wanting to include everyone. I've met some really nice people through that happening, so I just go with it now.
However if you want to say something, as long as you're coming from a good place I think it's totally fine to say "sometimes I want to hang out and have quality time with just us, can we arrange that?".
playfulspirit2004@reddit
The more the merrier is my moto!
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
Luckily they have all been very nice!
genxerrr@reddit
Yeah it's fine. Chill out a bit. Let go of that control freakiness.
Individual-Gur-7292@reddit
If it is upsetting you to the extent that you are seeking advice on Reddit, please just speak to your friends about it. I would be mortified if I had unknowingly upset a friend by inviting an extra person to a group event.
Generally, if a meet up is both in a group and in a public place, it is not unusual for people to invite other friends to join. Meeting to go swimming or to the museum as a group would come under this category.
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
Thank you, that helps! I'll for sure let them know next time I make plans.
Fraggle_ninja@reddit
I know someone like this and I now just avoid them and don’t invite them to things because they always bring a little possy. It’s a joke that they turn up with their friends and clique in a corner. It’s a bit different if someone says their mate is in town to bringing 3 or 4 extra people no one knows. Yeah that’s rude.
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
Luckily there has only been one or two people brought along at a time! I don't think I could handle adjusting plans for an additional four last minute!
amylocustwhatever@reddit
Depends on the event. If there’s at least 3-4 people going, it’s usually fair game in my opinion. Or if it’s a one-off event such as a festival, if I was going to something and a friend expressed interest in going, I’d probably consider it rude not to invite them along. But it all depends on dynamics, whether you’ve met before, if you like each other etc. Something like a festival or concert I think it’s almost always well within reason to invite more people along. Something like a coffee or lunch/chat I’d probably only invite someone else in exceptional circumstances (e.g. a close mutual friend, with prior agreement from both sides)
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
I'll bring it up to them next time I make plans. Thank you, this does put it into perspective for me, I appreciate it. Luckily the people they have invited have been kind so far, so there is indeed a silver lining!
Significant-Ad3521@reddit
I'm from the UK and as you can imagine, a lot of my friends are also from the UK.
My friends would usually ask if it was ok for them to invite another person before actually doing so. Kinda like "I was thinking of asking NAME to join, is that ok?"
The exception to this is where the additional person is also a friend, or family of the friend that I invited who I know well.
Tbh, I think its kinda rude for someone to invite randomers to meet ups that I've planned. Fair enough if the person inviting someone is the person who arranged the meet up but otherwise, its rude to assume and invite - as you say it puts you in a difficult position where it doesn't feel nice or fair to rescind an invite retrospectively.
Your mates sound a bit shitty - my advice would be to find new friends. Not necessarily meaning you have to stop being friends with the people you currently hang out with - just get some new friends alongside who actually have manners!
SantosFurie89@reddit
Agreed. Op could randomly bring new friends without mentioning, to spice things up!
Tit for tat jokes aside, if its not reciprocated, the planning and effort, and if it'd not feeling nice or positive etc, I'd gradually reduce the effort and put into something more worthwhile. Not lock it off completely
Could also be worth finding a non confrontational way to say this. But that could affect relationships, especially if combined with a withdrawal etc
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
I'll try to bring it up politely, they're not unkind people, so I think they would understand! Especially since because of all these replies I have a better understanding of where they might be coming from.
I'll probably make less intricate plans and put in less effort in the future to avoid issues though! Thank you!
Ississ-Perok@reddit (OP)
If they asked me like that, I would in almost all situations say yes and adjust plans accordingly! I can think of two times it has happened where I have not known the person they invited, and the rest have been people I have met in passing or heard them talk about.
I think you're right and I may just hang out with them more casually and focus my efforts on other friendships that are a bit more reciprocal. They're nice people, but maybe just not the most considerate.
Interesting-Hawk-744@reddit
No it's not rude as long as the person they bring is well mannered. You sound very uptight. Plans made with friends in most English speaking countries are not regimented like some friggin Army march or mission. It's casual, and usually plans are made loosely which is precisely why you're the only one planning outings, most people just hang out casually by saying, 'Hey, we're going here, if you want to come with.' that's it. I really don't get how it 'undermines your efforts to get everyone together.'
You sound like it's really important to you to be running the show like as if a hangout is a play and you're the director or something. I would let go of that, it's a total ego trip on your part.
Careless-Giraffe-623@reddit
Anti social American spotted lol
bars_and_plates@reddit
I think it depends on context.
Someone like a partner, not weird at all.
Someone that's a complete stranger to most of the group, very off.
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