Does anyone else experience pretty severe social isolation in this career?
Posted by Inner_Ad_4725@reddit | ExperiencedDevs | View on Reddit | 87 comments
My team is fully remote. I’ve only 3 years of XP. This is taking a pretty negative toll on my mental health. I’ve tried so hard to get out & meet people in the city I moved to for this job. It hasn’t worked for me so far.
I hate the feeling of spending all day alone with headphones in. I kind of feel like I’m going a little crazy if I’m honest. This isn’t the normal me. I think it’s the isolation causing it.
But the money is good. I would move to a new company with a healthier work environment but that’s not an option for me because the market is so bad. I honestly don’t think I can stay in this career if this continues.
whytryharder18@reddit
I have been FT remote since covid. Before that it was a 2 or 3 days a week. Before that it was 0, in the office 5 days a week. I've been at this for about 20 years now and what I do know is there isn't enough money to get me back in cubicle farm/open floor plan. Yes you get to interact with a few people and possibly buddy up, but it's the SAME people all the time. And I assure you, you will tire of the usual grunts, coughs, farts, gross chewing of the people that are less than 5 feet from you. If you want to pack your lunch, you get a refrigerator used by an entire floor with lunches overflowing it. You have to take a shit? Well you sit in stall some fat fuck tore apart 10 minutes ago. Yeah it's nice to hit a happy hour after work, but in reality everyone has kids and they gotta get back to deal with that. Then you're drinking and driving if you do go. In general you driving and wasting money on these ridiculous gas prices. And at this point in the world I don't care where you live, if you are commuting by car then you are sitting in traffic somewhere. Sitting in traffic is the worst IMO I honestly can think of few things in human existence that are a bigger waste of time on earth than sitting in traffic. You'd think with this planet rapidly declining the clowns in gov't would say "hey everyone WFH a few days a week!" Nope that will never happen because then who will buy that $10 burritos on their lunch break so some kid can make $5 dollars an hour...
It does get lonely, and isolating, but unless they have eyes on you all day long you gotta get creative to keep it interesting. I see no benefits to being in an office.
onFilm@reddit
I fucking love it.
I get to focus on my hobbies. My friends. My family. It's the best.
ooplesandbanoonos@reddit
100%, I have been working remote since Covid and since 2022 worked for a fully remote company. I started going to WeWork but it doesn’t hit the same sitting with random people vs people you know. I switched jobs 6 months ago and we have an office - going in even once a week has made a huge difference to my mental health. I also take the bus to the office and feel so much more connected to my community sitting with other people on the bus- you start to recognize people and it’s been surprisingly fun. I also feel like it’s easier now to talk to people because I am back in the habit of talking to people - I firmly believe it’s a skill I lost during the years of WFH, living alone, and having next to no social life
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
Hit the nail on the head. Feels weird but it’s like I’m forgetting how to socialize. I was extremely social before.
It’s so hard to say no to the money though. I’ve never made this good of money before.
ooplesandbanoonos@reddit
I definitely forgot how to socialize! A lot of people are suggesting meetups and hobby’s which can be intimidating if you feel like you’ve lost that skill (I’ve been there!). Some stuff that’s helped me “ease back in” - key here is there all one time things for a few hours.
Ultimately I also think that if you feel this is really impacting your life, therapy can also help. You can brainstorm strategies to get out more and again get back in that habit of socializing. It is hard, but totally worth it
tictacotictaco@reddit
No. I have friends outside of work and a spouse.
AllHailTheCATS@reddit
Have you considered going to a co working space? It's actually much better than the office for social stuff in my opinion as you can be more laid back and open with who you meet since they don't work for your company
UK-sHaDoW@reddit
If you're remote, you have a lot of opportunities to build a social group outside of work.
shared_ptr@reddit
I don’t get your setup: you say you moved to a city for your job but your job is fully remote? How come you moved?
Just bluntly: have you considered not working a remote job? Even with an active social life and good relationship I’d be missing a huge amount of what makes me happy if I was working remotely. Being in an office with people you care about and enjoy working with is what makes work worthwhile for me, and I never got that feeling when working remotely.
Especially early in your career there’s so much you get from working physically alongside people that I have never heard anyone working remotely find a good replacement for.
UntestedMethod@reddit
It is for sure a socially isolating career. Even when I work in the office, everybody is just locked into their own screens working on their own tasks, half of us with headphones in. Aside from our daily stand-up meetings, it's not uncommon to go the entire day without saying anything more than hello and good bye when someone arrives or leaves the office. Once in a while I'll take my lunch break at the same time as someone else and we'll chat, but I'm just as happy to eat alone and take a break from anything or anyone work related.
Honestly the social isolation is one of the reasons I am looking to get out of this field of work.
bestjaegerpilot@reddit
that's a problem w/ US culture --- everyone is a workaholic
proof_required@reddit
It's even worse in European countries since people stick with their Kindergarten friends for life irrespective of whether they are workaholic or a party all night person.
sleepyguy007@reddit
i was fine with this job until covid. have worked at a well known big tech place since 2022, and before that a couple other places remotely. im fairly extroverted so being stuck at home all day is rough. but yeah $$$ is good and market sucks, and i put the money away for the future. its been a struggle, but ultimately you need to take breaks during the day and like walk around or something. I used to randomly go to a driving range and hit balls just to see other people etc.
Odd_Perspective3019@reddit
I asked teammates to be on camera in meetings fo this reason we went a whole year without any i felt crazy isolated
kir_rik@reddit
Mb try board games as a hobby. Every city have multiple bg clubs where you can find people to hang up and this often leads to broader friendship or fellowship at least
nurogenic@reddit
Yes 100%. I was lucky enough to have found my wife before I went 100% remote in 2017. But I was always the guy that was chatting up the grocery store employees probably to the extent that they wanted me to leave. I couldn’t imagine moving and being remote. I think even if you’re not athletic, my suggestion would be something like a zog casual dodgeball league. Or volleyball or something cause it will def keep wearing on you.
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
It’s honestly killing me man, I’ve never felt like this before. I was super social all of high school & college, it feels like that completely died once work life started
nullbyte420@reddit
Don't chat up random people, that's weird. Volunteer somewhere you find interesting and meaningful. Join a club. Sign up for some social art class thing. Sports.
nurogenic@reddit
Hah I know that look. Casual sports is great cause you can join a team of other people who also joined as singles. And then go out after games and stuff together. There’s also a great comradery with sports that helps with making connections quicker. Good lucky dude. Don’t give up. Isolation will haunt you for a while.
brrnr@reddit
Is this your first job? Having a social life as an adult requires a significantly more effort and intention than college or high school. Lots of people want remote jobs specifically so that they can focus their social energy on quality connections outside of work.
With what you're describing, I really don't think in-person would make a positive difference, and might even be worse (unless you're in a lively city like NYC).
anotherleftistbot@reddit
Making adult friends is hard.
GlobalCurry@reddit
I used to enjoy the isolation but the past few years it has started hitting pretty bad.
ashdee2@reddit
Story of my life lol. Woke up one morning and became aware something important was missing
AmbassadorMammoth548@reddit
Why do you hate it, that awareness? Isn't it perhaps something inside acknowledging a change needs to be made - and that resistance is from knowin that with change comes risks/unknowns?
ashdee2@reddit
Because before the awareness I was happy
GlobalCurry@reddit
THIS
No-Mention-9653@reddit
Try some group sports
AmbassadorMammoth548@reddit
Man, you sound exactly like me. I just quit my first software job (\~3 yrs. experience as well) for much of the same reasons you are describing. Fully remote, spending all day in my house, alone, for 3 years...Now that I think about it, kind of looks like sad if I played the years back like a movie. The money is good - and I think that's the main thing that I held on to as I had thought about quitting multiple times before, and always thinking - "the money is good" AND also equally as important - "that I likely won't be able to find another dev job" (knowing the experience of how hard it was to land this one).
But I did make that decision after a breaking point at work. I decided to put in my 2 weeks notice knowing that I would go through "job application hell" and risk having to find work not related to software dev. at all, which often comes with a massive pay cut.
But, even with the likely pay-cut, I chose to listen to the "live your life" side of me which wanted social interaction, and even doing non-remote roles as a major lifestyle change. That's not to say I haven't applied to software positions at all. I just don't hold it to the same importance as I did with the first software job.
I did it with the belief that "this is my attempt to make me happy." Hopefully it sticks, because yeah, I too was turning weird lol.
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
We sound exactly the same. I’m honestly so close to letting go of the job. Financially I shouldn’t but my mental health is not great right now.
Were you able to find something else? I may just switch to an industry that has more of a social environment, I’m not sure what else to do at this point if I’m honest.
I don’t mind finding a hobby, but work is still an entire 40-50 hours (more if I’m on call) of just me by myself.
AmbassadorMammoth548@reddit
I received a job offer recently after 1 month leaving the original job. It's a local, hybrid role as an Insurance Underwriting Trainee. The pay cut was significant, about 40% lower, though I knew this was the going to be the case considering the city I live in is on the smaller side.
The change to hybrid and taking a break from programming in general and learning something new, riding an elevator again lol, are things I'm looking forward to.
I definitely think I'll revisit software again and I'm thinking starting in a different industry/different job altogether may actually help in "enjoying" programming again too. I may learn some things about Underwriting or Insurance that may help with landing a developer role in the future that deals with Insurance logic. I may end up realizing what I had originally was worth keeping.
Either way, it's brought excitement and eagerness back to the brain :)
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
That’s awesome. Wishing you all the best in your new role.
Crazy-Smile-4929@reddit
Honestly I am pretty anti social at work. I can make small talk with coworkers either remotely or if there are face to face work functions.
But, as others have said, it may be an idea to look at ways of expanding your social circle. If feeling isolated, it's not really your works function to do much about that. Other than some basic employee assistance stuff (for more general mental health issues).
At the end of the day, coworkers are just people who you interact with. If they become friends, great. If they don't, also great.
It's usually good to have a life outside of work in general though. We are all more than our jobs and careers. Even though we spend a lot of our week at them.
caffeinated_wizard@reddit
A former colleague of mine was renting a desk at a coworking space specifically to get out of his house and socialize with people. You end up seeing the same people over and over getting a coffee, strike small chat etc.
I think young people, especially young men, underestimate the value of hobbies. I feel lucky that I play video games with old friends every week and I run TTRPGs like Dungeons and Dragons online. If I was to start from scratch in another city I would join a club (running, reading, crafting, literally anything).
skidmark_zuckerberg@reddit
Having hobbies isn’t a silver bullet to feeling fulfilled in your work life. They absolutely fulfill your personal life and give you a reason to work but they are not a replacement for the 40 some odd hours of isolation you have to endure while working a full time remote gig.
CheetosTorciditos@reddit
It's work time. Why would it feel lile isolation if you are working? Focused, concentrated. If you're not, then disconnect a few minutes here and there to make a sandwich or grab a coffee.
From the bottom of my heart, feeling alone while working is not healthy. You should learn to be comfortable with yourself on your own, else you will cling onto the next person you came in contact with (say a friend, a gf, a relative, a colleague even) which is not fair for them.
my_coding_account@reddit
Every person I know who works from home right now is similar. I used to work remote and I would never do it again as a younger employee, in 2 weeks at a in-office job I met more people than in 2 years remote. It's so much easier to get things done, learn new things from little side conversaitons passing in the hallway, etc.
The only way it was manageable was living in a group house with other people that worked from home.
I can see working remote if I had a family or something but not when younger.
Inner_Butterfly1991@reddit
I wish I had your problem I'm full remote and I spend 10 hours/day in meetings I wish I had any time to have headphones in and get actual work done.
Real answer is work on your non-work social life. Find things you like to do outside of work. You get an extra 10-20 (sometimes more) hours/week that if you were full-time in office you would have spent commuting. Take advantage of it. My friend met his wife doing bar trivia, after-work sports are always good, I know people who do climbing, cycling, salsa dancing, board games, art, it really just depends what you're into but if you live in a city there's probably other people doing it as a group not far away from you.
WJMazepas@reddit
Do you have friends outside of work? Hobbies?
I started always going out with friends and it helped me a lot
And it's also good to work in pairs, in Discord or something like it, then you can talk while you work and it improves a lot
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
I tried the meetup app, I didn’t connect with anyone there at all. I’ll have to look for other groups
Connect_Detail98@reddit
College buddies? School friends? Neighbors? Family?
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
I’m in a new city. Have none of that sadly. Have some apartment neighbors but no one talks to anyone. It’s a weird vibe. Were people always this anti-social?
WolfNo680@reddit
Honestly this is a very common thing lately - growing up my all my neighbors knew each other on the block - now I'm living on my own and I talk to...one of my neighbors.
anotherleftistbot@reddit
Making friends as an adult takes time. Time and repetition.
You can't show up at a meetup and expect everyone to fawn over you.
Whatever it is that you choose, you need to go consistently. Find something you can do at the same day/time every single week that has the possibility for socializing.
Try a coed rec kickball/baseball/pickle ball league.
ashdee2@reddit
It's not about being fawned over it's about finding that connection instantly that probably didn't take much to build when you were in highschool. The thought of trying and failing is anxiety inducing
WolfNo680@reddit
I think part of it is also the "shared trauma" of schooling - somewhere you're forced to go 70% of the week, where you see the same people every day. Just by sheer exposure you're going to bond with someone.
If you're a remote worker you kind of have to make that space on your own because there's no "in-office" to collaborate with.
anotherleftistbot@reddit
Connection takes time.
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
I don’t mind to try and fail. Life is all about failing and learning from it. But I’ve been failing over a year with little to show, so can’t say I’m learning much 😂
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
Ok I will take a look & aim to be consistent, thank you
anotherleftistbot@reddit
Good luck!
Dyledion@reddit
Unpopular but extremely effective option: join a church. Instant, huge support network. At their root, that's what they're for.
single_plum_floating@reddit
Any club would work as well.
maker clubs, boxing, group workouts, archery, hell take up homebrewing
CorrectPeanut5@reddit
Find a local shop where people go into the office.
mkg11@reddit
Id say make it hobby based. If you play games or tabletop there are probably groups for that as well as outdoors groups or movie watching.
andrew_work_stuff@reddit
Yeah I’m at the same point. Moved out of the city when I got a fully remote job so I could spend more time with wife and kids.
Kids makes it hard to do any hobbies or meet people or do anything much regularly.
No advice just in the same boat.
TranquilDev@reddit
Leave home, get up a little earlier in the morning, go to a convenience store, grab a snack and get to know the employees. Find some places to go for lunch. Take a 30 minute break, drive 15 minutes out and 15 back.
The problem is you feel like you’re imprisoned in your own home. The reality is you have more freedom than anyone who’s forced to go to a job somewhere.
I’ve been remote almost 12 years now.
skidmark_zuckerberg@reddit
Nothing takes away from the fact that regardless of all the little things you could do, you are still spending a huge part of your week working alone. Some people need social interaction on a meaningful level to feel good. By meaningful I mean spending that time with others in your situation. Commiserating with coworkers and the camaraderie that comes from it is a lot different than taking a drive somewhere or talking passively to a gas station clerk. Not that your suggestions are bad, they are just not solutions for someone who requires workplace social interaction to feel connected and grounded in their job.
Some people don’t require that, so I get why some are pro WFH, but most people do and get a lot of feel good mental energy from socialization at work. And I’m not sure there’s as much freedom in remote work as people like to think. Regardless if you’re in an office or at home, you are an employee who has responsibilities. I never felt free with remote work, I couldn’t just leave the house midday and do whatever I felt like, same as being in an office. Only difference was I was completely alone in one scenario, and not in the other.
Idea-Aggressive@reddit
Get a life outside work?
Office workers could say the exact same things; some ppl don’t notice because those fake team building events and ridiculous meetings
ZunoJ@reddit
Doesn't sound like the work is your problem. You need to find friends and a relationship. Work is not for that
dom_optimus_maximus@reddit
its not weird to chat with random people. Get hobbies that get you out of the house including consistent challenging physical fitness. Your mental regulation is strongly linked to physical exercise its not optional.
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
I already lift 3-4 times a week. But it’s not social. It’s my social health struggling, everyone at my gym is headphones in head down. Trying talking to people but they’re just not receptive
dom_optimus_maximus@reddit
yea agree. Gym is good for regulation, then socialization happens elsewhere. Its hard to find IRL friends. Lot of convenient distractions keeping us inside and way from groups.
wvenable@reddit
I've been fully remote a bunch of times in my career and this last time I've been fully remote since COVID.
I've gone through perhaps every single negative and positive mental health issue working remote.
I have experienced the crazy feeling and even just this year have gone through a few lows. My current job isn't actually too isolating because I'm always talking to people on the phone, etc. I've definitely felt more isolated in other jobs.
I don't really have any advice -- I just wanted to add myself to list of people in the same boat.
bicx@reddit
I’m not alone. I have Claude! 😭
AmbassadorMammoth548@reddit
I've told Claude things I would've not shared with people lol. Claude is good with "weed" inspired thoughts and discussions.
single_plum_floating@reddit
Be very careful with its sycophantic nature. It will validate anything you throw it.
AmbassadorMammoth548@reddit
True. It can be a further perpetuating echo-chamber when one doesn't receive necessary push-back and instead receives constant approval.
Former_Dark_4793@reddit
i got gpt, grok, gemini..enough friends for my adult life
_ska_zombie_@reddit
I’m in the same boat. Pay is decent but it is very isolating. It’s horrible for posture too to be sitting all day without going to meetings or taking walking breaks.
I take tennis lessons, go to tennis socials, etc. Toastmasters every Tuesday. Started dating someone who is very high maintenance, which keeps me busy.
EmberQuill@reddit
It's not the career. It's the remote work. That's what isolates you.
I'm in the office three days a week, so it's not as bad for me. About a third of my team is local so I see them almost every in-office day. I also have a bunch of former coworker friends who still live in the area so we meet occasionally.
When I first moved here and didn't know anybody, what really helped me was going to local meetups. I'm into creative writing so I went to a writing meetup for a few months. That's where I met my partner, actually.
skidmark_zuckerberg@reddit
I have friends and many hobbies outside of work. That did not take away from the fact that M-F l, 8-5 I was sitting alone in my office working remote. It’s insanely isolating and work makes up a high percentage of your week. It’s not like having a hobby or a few friends makes up for that time you dedicate to work.
I was recently laid off, and the silver lining was that I could find a hybrid job now at least. I was hesitant to leave that job because it was comfortable, but now that I’m free I am very optimistic for hybrid work. And finding hybrid jobs locally seems to be less of a pain in the ass. I’ve been laid off for 1,5 weeks and already have an onsite interview for a local hybrid position.
Personally I like being around people, I like the office conversations and it’s way easier to make a friend or two at work. Plus it’s just easier overall to play the office politics game. Those random water cooler or lunch conversations are super important. My last in office job, I made two friends that I still see to this day and chat to. I’m of the opinion that to feel good, you need to find fulfillment in your personal life, but your job should also be fulfilling to. If you feel like remote work is bad for your mental health, then it is. No amount of friends or hobbies fixes it, if you’re the type of person (like myself) who does not like social isolation. Hybrid imo is the best balance, you get to see people for a few days a week, and then you get a couple days to chill at home and get work done.
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
Ya I think that’s exactly how I feel. I have made a few friends outside work, but I rarely see them. Maybe once or twice a week for a few hours. Personally I’d love a full in office or 3-4 day hybrid. I think as humans we’re made to be with each other & socialize. This role is really missing that for me. I just don’t think I can find a new role right now so I’m unsure what to do.
skidmark_zuckerberg@reddit
I rarely see my friends too. Maybe every few weeks at this point. Most of my friends have families or other things going on like work, so it makes it tough. It’s just the part of adult life no one expects when they are young and in school. I damn sure didn’t, felt like I’d be hanging with my friends until the end of time.
But seriously, don’t be afraid to look. You’d be surprised. And there is less competition for those types of jobs because they are not inundated with people from all over like remote jobs. 3 YOE is right at mid level, so don’t sell yourself short.
pysouth@reddit
Yeah. It has had a severe impact on my mental health and social anxiety. I like a lot about remote work, but it is hard in this way. There are no employers in my area paying nearly as well as mine does. I do social activities outside of work (run club mainly), but I’m married and have young kids so time to do those things is limited. Even before that, I struggled, though.
I have 9 YoE. To be honest I learned very early on this is not a good career for my mental health, but I’m decent at it and I make more money than I would otherwise and I can’t really switch careers easily now, with my family situation and responsibilities.
I dunno what the answer is, I feel like I’ve tried everything so I don’t have any good advice, just saying that I get it.
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
Exactly how I feel. I wish I had a family or wife or even kids. I’ve got no one and it sucks. I don’t wanna just sit & cry about it but I’ve given it a shot & it’s not working
ashdee2@reddit
It's not necessarily wide and kid you're looking for. It's community. One that you know without a doubt cares for you. At the end of the day that's what life is about
diek00@reddit
Does your living situation permit a dog? Not a perfect solution but my dogs play an important part in my mental health and overall happiness. Yes, work is required but the investment pays back ten fold imo. One key benefit, it forces me to go outside 2-3 times a day.
friendlytotbot@reddit
Work from a coffee shop, library, or coworking space so at least you’re not stuck in your house all day. Join a gym too, I feel like a lot of ppl use the gym as a way to meet people too. Some of my friends are also into anime and video games, and it’s surprisingly very social. My friend forced me to paint warhammer figurines once and I was surprised how chatty and friendly it was at the workshop lol. Try stuff like that if you’re into it.
Such_Nectarine3478@reddit
Try something that you're interested in man. Like a writing workshop, art classes, rock climbing, etc. It's gotta be something that you like and that happens to help you know new people, otherwise I find that making friends as an adult is close to impossible.
I'm debating moving to a bigger city so there's more things to do. I live in a small place too and it gets pretty boring.
Tainlorr@reddit
Get a non remote job
Inner_Ad_4725@reddit (OP)
If I could I’d do it in a heartbeat. Easier said than done right now
RandyHoward@reddit
I’ve become more isolated than most. I literally don’t leave my house for months at a time. I’ve been working remote since 2018. Don’t have a single friend any more. However, I can’t blame this on my job or industry, it’s my own damn fault. Maintaining a social life takes effort, especially at my age (45), and I just haven’t put forth much effort. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I also have agoraphobia, but at the end of the day I can’t blame it on anything but myself.
RegardedCaveman@reddit
Yes and I love it
ExpertIAmNot@reddit
There are coworking spots all over the place. Get a membership and go there. I’ve done that before for the same reasons you might. It gives you an office and people around and even better that you don’t actually work with any of them! You can actually be friends without any work politics.
goldenfrogs17@reddit
yes, bjj is great because you pay money and people lay on top of you and try to rip your head off
TheTimeDictator@reddit
It's not the career, it's just remote work. I have the same problem too but don't have much things I want to go out and do (plus I live in a relatively dangerous area).
I make use of online communities as much as I can to deal with the loneliness. It's not the best but it's a reasonable alternative. Several other people do the same as well, join co-working chats and the like.
Only other option is hybrid or in-office (assuming that you have a work place where you actually want to talk to the people there). Wish I had better options to share with you other than the ones you're already doing. Just want to let you know that the field can be very social despite what the media says about Engineers. You just need to find the right group of people to work with.
theSantiagoDog@reddit
That’s…why I’m here.
i_exaggerated@reddit
Can you join a coworking space? Everyone there is in the same boat, it’s pretty easy to socialize.