ULPT - SIL, daughter just had baby and

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XOtentialAsthmatic@reddit

Sad reality is that unless she wants to and is set to leave, you doing anything to puts her at risk if this is a DV situation. She needs to be the one to decide enough is enough then make a swift and clean break and let lawyers handle what's next. Until then let her know she is loved and you always have space for her.

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Goats_vs_Aliens@reddit (OP)

^ THIS

Is my reality, she doesn't want to leave, we already have most of the plan(& yes, we actually have a plan, hell chatgpt helped us make it!) in place for when or if she does, but for now she won't?! Which is why I was asking for ULPT's !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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XOtentialAsthmatic@reddit

Just realize that while shes with him, the frustrations he experiences thru your ULPT might be taken out on her and the children.

I'm all for revenge and getting even, I'd just be very careful in this situation.

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Goats_vs_Aliens@reddit (OP)

Yeah I get that Good point

It's just getting very frustrating for me she messaged today saying that she's cramping nausea not bleeding headache but he doesn't want the babies going to the hospital because they're germ factories and he can't watch them on his own and won't let the grandparents come watch the babies either so she suffers but she says she's not running a fever which I know or her I'm sorry his words since she's not running a fever she doesn't need to go because if she was septic or something she would have a fever

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thatonenativechild@reddit

Please get her out asap

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Miami_Mice2087@reddit

talk to a DV shelter about what to do. they can help your daughter make an escape plan when she's ready to go.

I don't want to discourage you, but statistically, women leave an abusive relationship 7 times before it sticks. Childcare or somewhere to go helps. A job helps. WIC, food stamps, and general assistance helps.

You need to get a restraining order on him and she will need to go somewhere he can't find her, like a DV shelter. She and the kids are in extreme danger when they leave, that is the time when the abuse gets more severe or deadly, bc he feels his control is leaving.

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Goats_vs_Aliens@reddit (OP)

One factor is his adoptive parents who are both Dr's & took him & later his brother from his parents when he was an infant are very controlling, extremely controlling, his paycheck gets deposited to an account they control and give him money they think he needs. They bought our daughter a car without telling her and have been collecting payments on it. They had signed the lease on their duplex and for the last year have been making weekly inspections. His mother used to freak out when she would find marijuana butts or any type of marijuana stuff but him drinking himself blackout drunk is ok? He stopped for a while but daughter says he is drinking again when she goes to bed. He was working as an emt but has signed up for a program to become a nurse, and now that his mom thinks he is "sober" he gets along with her almost too well. She made him "sell" his car to his brother and buy her car from her so he now owes her 8k. Daughter works too as a daycare teacher for the same employer. But what daughter is afraid of is them taking the babies.

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sexybucketlist39@reddit

Be very careful dealing with controlling , wealthy in-laws like this. In the event of a divorce, they will almost certainly pay for lawyers to make your daughter's life hell and try to fight for custody. I would highly recommend speaking to both a DV hotline and an attorney before she leaves so they can help with a plan to get here safely out and document anything to help with a future legal battle. I am so sorry she's dealing with that. Abuse often gets really bad during pregnancy and in the first year after the birth.

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Goats_vs_Aliens@reddit (OP)

I told her to start recording him but she is afraid of him catching her

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Zxvasdfthrowaway@reddit

The recording won’t be admissible if you live in an area that requires both parties to consent :(

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Goats_vs_Aliens@reddit (OP)

one party state

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momgenius@reddit

In some states it’s permissible.

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sexybucketlist39@reddit

This is true, but it still might be a good idea in case he makes accusations against her later. She just needs to be careful and hide them if she does this.

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skatedog_j@reddit

You don't need that just get her out

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Poundaflesh@reddit

:0

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jai_dreams@reddit

Don’t make excuses for his abusive ass jfc

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BigMikeInAustin@reddit

Those are him-problems.

He made the conscious choice to ignore the mother of his child, and his children. The mother has to do what's best for her and the kids. She cannot depend on him.

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Goats_vs_Aliens@reddit (OP)

Facts

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. She and your grandkids are in danger and need your help. Help them separate asap. Once they're safe, hide boiled eggs in his gaming area.

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

& hurry tf up OP because if he yelling at her he is probably putting his hands on her too. Get serious about your daughter pls.

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sexybucketlist39@reddit

I get that this is coming from a good place, but abusive relationships are complicated especially with children. Most victims can't just easily leave and even when they get out, the abuse cycle just changes into post-separation abuse, legal abuse, and using the children as weapons. If OP rushes this or handles it wrong, it could easily end very badly.

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

I'm aware as I have experienced one myself. That's why OP needs to hurry up. OP logging on to reddit to ask for unethical tips is crazy as hell when a daughter and two grandchildren are in danger. He should be seeking legal help not advice from strangers online. Time is of the essence in these situations especially with a woman that is postpartum. She is vulnerable and needs physical support. So yes, OP still needs to hurry up.

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sexybucketlist39@reddit

If your experience was one where you could easily leave with no plan in place, you were incredibly lucky. For most women who share children with their abusers, it's not as easy as "just leave" and when victims are pressured to do so, that's when things get dangerous. They need a plan, not an impulsive decision. It increases the chances she won't go back or lose her children to him and ultimately is the safer option.

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

P.S. my escape took 6 months. Leaving was not easy at all.

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Dailia-@reddit

You did it though! And it stuck.

We’re proud of you.

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

Thank you 🫶🏿

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

And tbh you implying that some people 'easily' escape with no plan is problematic. Leaving an abusive situation has never been easy for anyone.

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sexybucketlist39@reddit

I literally explained to you the importance of having a plan. I wasn't trying to imply anything is easy, rather I was trying to explain to you that it is not easy and you shouldn't be rushing OP into a dangerous decision based on a vague post on reddit. It sounds like you're triggered and I have empathy for that, but that's something you should deal with yourself rather than trying to spin the narrative here.

I have children with an abusive ex. I also have resources that helped allow me to leave that many other women don't. Even with that advantage, it still took multiple attempts to get out and stay out and I'm now 3 years into a custody battle. None of that has been easy.

I'm glad you're out and safe, truly, but for many of us, it's a near impossible feat when you have children.

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pichael288@reddit

My best friend's wife's sister was in a situation like this, a sweet but fairly ignorant girl, married what seemed like a decent guy from morroco and he basically kidnapped their baby when they were there and left it with his family and came back. So we beat the fuckin brakes off that dude, and that was a fucking mistake. He couldn't call the cops as we had alot of evidence but were told not to act on it legally. All it did was make things worse, like it wasn't even about the baby it was because she called her sister asking for help at like 3am. Im in bed and get a call "yo mo's (Mohammed) time is up" and I'm two states away in a matter of hours. All it did was make him cover his bases better and shit got so much worse.

Took years before she got a chance to see the kid in this country, likely because of us. Dudes whole family came, I guess he thought it would be insurance or something, I wasn't there for that but my buddy brought like a whole ass neighborhood to escort her out and walk her to the car with the kid. Police got called, evidence was turned over, he went right the fuck to jail. Still it took extra years because we were impulsive. She actually wanted to leave though, alot of times women in these situations don't feel like they can or should.

Shit is extremely hard to deal with, abusers aren't all just flying off the handle types, they plan shit out and make sure they have all kinds of things to hold over their partners heads in threat.

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

Once again, I am very aware of everything you described. I know leaving takes time. My intent was not to tell OP to hurry up and fix it. My intent was to urge OP to get off of this subreddit and get the process started irl. Regardless, time is of the essence.

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AbsentVixen@reddit

And a lemon. They don't stink when they rot, but they do attract fruit flies.

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GnarliestRash@reddit

And one raw, slightly cracked and oozing egg for me, please

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Parking_Fan_7651@reddit

gif

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kungfungus@reddit

Considering you're on reddit looking for a fucking ulpt instead of instinctively saving your daughter, makes me sad for her, like what values have you given her to begin with that she can't see she's worth better

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Dailia-@reddit

Lawyer the hell up. Those parents are wealthy and evil, they will fight you at every turn.

Get her and the infants out of the home. And possibly to the hospital?

Sort out the rest. It will eventually pass.

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scienceislice@reddit

Why did she have a second kid with this man

And she doesn't need to clean the house for his family, he can do that

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Dailia-@reddit

You’re thinking about this too rationally. Abusive relationships are complex.

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Miami_Mice2087@reddit

he's abusive, she might not have had a choice

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lookitsabook@reddit

For now, if you can, take her and her children in to your house, and say that it's just to help her recover from the birth. You're her mom and you gave birth to her so you have special insight on how she'll heal. Mom knows how to deal with the blood and the pain. Say that this recovery is worse than what she experienced with the first baby.

After that, let his parents see what the place looks like without her maintaining it. To them it's THEIR house and THEIR money that he's messing up. They won't take kindly to seeing that he's squandering their wealth.

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Poundaflesh@reddit

Take him out in the yard and shoot him.

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UnethicalLifeProTips-ModTeam@reddit

Your post or comment was removed for violating rule 8: No tips about rape, murder, suicide, or in general any tip that would violate the Geneva Convention laws.

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Ducal_Spellmonger@reddit

Start with digging the hole first.

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UnethicalLifeProTips-ModTeam@reddit

Your post or comment was removed for violating rule 8: No tips about rape, murder, suicide, or in general any tip that would violate the Geneva Convention laws.

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Snekatik@reddit

Blow his shit smoove off

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UnethicalLifeProTips-ModTeam@reddit

Your post or comment was removed for violating rule 8: No tips about rape, murder, suicide, or in general any tip that would violate the Geneva Convention laws.

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EbonyCohen@reddit

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princesspoundedyam@reddit

exactly fuck posting on reddit op need to go handle bidness

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Witty_Candle_3448@reddit

Ask the domestic violence shelter to give you a list of attorneys who regularly work with victims. Contact an attorney and ask how best to build a case and work with CPS in that area. Each state, county, judge and CPS worker are slightly different. Approach with wisdom.

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Luggageisnojoke@reddit

These are all the things my friend and I discussed when our friend was in a similar situation. We removed her and embarrassed him publicly, he’s a fabulous dad now, they are not together.

Go round with some biker grandads and ask him super nicely to please start helping, now would be great. Turn off the internet. Spill something on the console. Block the domains for his games at router level.

Ensure your daughter is safe and medically stable. Two days postpartum with bleeding and pain is a recovery period; she should not be doing housework. If bleeding is heavy or worsening she needs urgent medical advice from maternity services. Bring in external support immediately. A trusted friend or family member should come over to help with childcare and advocate for her so she is not isolated.

Set a clear boundary with him in simple terms. She is recovering from birth and cannot host, clean, or be shouted at. The priority is the baby and her recovery. If he continues, she disengages and focuses on herself and the children. Make the responsibility explicit. Leave a short note or message for him stating what needs doing for the children and the house. Then disengage completely. No arguing.

Use external pressure. His family arriving to find her resting with support and him not coping shifts accountability without confrontation.

Embarrass the ever-loving hell out of him. Remove your daughter and her kids from the situation before the visit if you can, tell the family exactly why, that’s a horrible way to live.

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Common-Direction3996@reddit

Im curious what worked for your friend, how did you embarrass your friends baby daddy? How was she able to leave the relationship with him unscathed?

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SmolHumanBean8@reddit

Dfv...

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DCAmalG@reddit

Did anyone even think about trying to get them some help as a couple before crying abuse or burdening the already overworked CPS system?!

Yelling is mean but fairly ubiquitous in relationships, even good ones. There are many alternatives to yelling, but sometimes they don’t come naturally to people who are prone to it. They may need to learn some classic anger management strategies.

Many young/new dads kind of suck at it and need a mentor, a counselor or the like to kick fathering into high gear.

Ultimately trying to break up this family without justification is going to hurt the children. Better for dad to change - and we have no reason based on the information given here to think that he can’t.

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parkerino24311@reddit

i disagree with you on so many fronts, but do you think new moms are "naturally" good at it? or do you think they do more research and prep than new dads? you are a misogynist, and i hope you're able to change your mindset

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aseumi@reddit

I need you to sit down when I say this.... if a man is not helping around the house at all, constantly yells at you, while you just gave birth and forces you to do everything around the house with 2 infants....... that is abuse.

Also, you should just. Never yell at your spouse. Period. You re an adult, you can have a conversation, right? Even if it's an argument.

What kinda life do you think these kids are gonna have? Living in fear of their deadbwat dad, watching their mother be stepped on and yelled at and overworked everyday. They re infants, take them out of there NOW not when they're old enough to be affected by it...

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FinanciallySecure9@reddit

What she permits, she promotes.

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FreeBirdV@reddit

She needs an escape plan!

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__fujoshi@reddit

honestly i would just call CPS and explain things to the intake dispatcher as factually and unbiased as you can make it. she's struggling and will need resources to leave him, and he won't leave unless someone forces him out. if CPS tells her he needs to go or they are taking her kids, it'll be a lot easier to convince her to leave.

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Epicfailer10@reddit

And you can always claim you are a neighbor and can hear him screaming at his wife who you know just had a baby a few days ago and you worry about her safety and the safety of the children. Then she’s not getting in trouble for her family calling.

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PossibleDry3663@reddit

And he now has reason to be angry at an unsuspecting neighbor

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brainhack3r@reddit

It sounds like your daughter is in a domestic abuse situation.

The one big problem you're going to have is that women in this situation often don't want to leave. Especially after they've had children

You might need to find some creative ways to tell her husband to "man the fuck up" or you're gonna do it for him (if you get my point).

You can just sit down and talk to him openly about that he's a new father and what to expect.

But if you want to do it to the point where you're not threatening him, tell him that your dad did the same thing with you and that this is what HE told you.

That it's just the way it is.

And when you explain to him that if he ever lays a hand on your daughter again or yells at her, there would be consequences, explain it like it's obvious.

I think you can do this to the point where you're threatening him, but he doesn't really realize that he's being threatened.

Just that he's transitioned to being a real man now and that he has responsibilities and he has children.

And he can't fuck this up under any circumstances.

I think this is one of the things that the military teaches young men. That if you fuck around, other people die. And sometimes it's you.

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