How to Help Grieving Friend

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More_Law6245@reddit

Do what you're doing and just be there. It's amazing how people suddenly don't know how to deal with someone who is going through a significant loss.

Just be there and listen, you don't need to fix their world, they need time to grieve and rebuilt their life but it's very reassuring for them that you're there to listen when every they need you.

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Maja_Bean@reddit

I’m not sure, but the child may qualify for survivor benefits from SSA. Hard to bring up such a topic, but thought I’d share if the funds may be needed.

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My daughter gets survivor's benefits. The sooner the better when applying because it can take awhile. It might seem hard to bring up, but I was so scattered I'm glad my mom reminded me because it did take some of the financial stress away.

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Maja_Bean@reddit

That’s great! Everything helps.

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74MoFo_Fo_Sho_Yo@reddit

When my dad passed, I was six, my mom got survivor benefits for me thankfully.

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spargel_gesicht@reddit

Not the same thing but when I had cancer I really appreciated the people who would drop food off and leave. Sometimes chit chat is really exhausting and you just want to eat and stare at the tv. Other times you want to talk, but it’s easier to convince people to stay than to convince them to leave. Like other people have said, show up and do laundry or the dishes. Tell him you’re running to the grocery store for him. Offer to babysit. All the little everyday crap you wish you didn’t need to do. Good luck, you sound like a good friend.

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NinjaEnder@reddit

A friend of mine died three years ago, and his widow recently started a podcast about what happens after losing your spouse: https://www.youtube.com/@PacificWidowSolutions

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Five_String_Serenade@reddit

Subscribed.

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mustardmadman@reddit

Just be there to listen….

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fluidentity@reddit

The r/widowers sub has many people posting about the things they’ve struggled with.

Some include how when they’re asked what others can do to help, they don’t know what to say. So they appreciate when loved ones do the things to help that they observe as needing done (washing an obvious sink full of dishes or mowing high grass) without being asked.

Being given gift cards to their go-to restaurants when they don’t have the energy to make or even choose restaurant options, but having the gift card makes the choice for them. Sometimes having several meals’ worth on the card is the lifeline they cling to when food is too hard.

Some have talked about loved ones getting them groceries delivered and that has been good, saving them from going to the grocery store, where they are saved the reality that the no longer need to buy their lost spouse’s favorite foods.

A friend of mine lost her husband to a widowmaker heart attack (sudden, shocking) and as the months went on, she said the loneliness really set in after friends slowly stopped talking to her because they were uncomfortable with how long her grieving was going on. I made a point to just be there as much as I could.

Be there even if it’s not comfortable for you. This will change your friend for the rest of his life. He will become a different version of the guy you know. But you being there over time will deepen and evolve your friendship in ways you can’t anticipate.

However, be honest with yourself about how much grief you can handle, and don’t try to overdo it. Giving a little help you can sustain is better than too much up front and then none at all if you have to end up stepping back because it’s too intense.

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Five_String_Serenade@reddit

So this.

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Least-Bet8439@reddit

take him out, make plans for the next meet up - having things to look forward to is very healthy ask about his wife learn more about her her favorite band, album, vacation. don't ask "what can i do" look around and figure out what he needs i bet laundry is overwhelming maybe it's his child's room, care fill his freezer. take his kiddo for a few hours each month

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Five_String_Serenade@reddit

Agree about the talking. Many ppl don’t know what to say, so they just don’t. Most grieving people want and need to be heard.

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Five_String_Serenade@reddit

Home cooked meals, or bringing groceries without being asked. If you’re over, go clean their toilets or wash their car or clean the kitchen. Just start doing it without saying a word. Run errands. Finally and probably most importantly, don’t fall away when others start to. And they will start to.

P.S. Bring the child a plush AF stuffed animal.

Hope this helps.

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Bruno6368@reddit

Everyone is different. Personally, when I lost my hubby very suddenly to cancer - I just needed time to process my new normal.

Lots of people may suggest “plan this - do that - keep them busy” That’s a hard no. It takes weeks just to start the tiny steps to feeling normal let alone going out and socializing in any way. I went back to work 2 weeks after he died thinking the same thing - keep busy. That was an epic fail as I had a nuclear meltdown at work exactly 1 yr later.

Babysit when you can - even if that just means being at his home with him and taking care of the little one.

The most important thing is gently reminding him to take care of himself - and help him do it. So many people said to me “self care, self care!” What does that even mean??!! I didn’t know and no one made any suggestions for my grief/stressed/angry brain.

Sleep, food, time to self reflect. That is self care.

You are very caring to ask about this. He is in very good hands. 💕

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PegShop@reddit

I lost my husband at 40 and had two young kids. People said they’d be around but weren’t. People asked me to reach out if I needed help. I didn’t.

It’s hard to think right now. He needs people to just do. Things like meal prep or cleaning or sitting.

For the daughter, likely knows this, but he can likely collect survivors benefits from social security for her until she’s 18. Offer to watch her during his appt.

At the beginning people are around. In 3-6 months, they disappear. Don’t disappear.

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Sandover5252@reddit

Yes - people don’t know what to do, so they don’t do — I think back to that age (your 20s-30s?) when you are maybe afraid of not doing things correctly, so you just decide not to do it — not because you are lazy or selfish, but for me because sometimes I was shy or self-conscious of not doing things the right way? But if there is ever any question that someone is alone or may need help, show up.

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in-a-microbus@reddit

At the beginning people are around. In 3-6 months, they disappear. Don’t disappear.

Critical piece of advice, here.

Also a 3 year old process grief much more slowly. Around the 6 month mark it's going to fully sink in that mom isn't coming back.

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LetsGototheRiver151@reddit

I’m seeing this now. One of my besties had three girls still in high school when she passed. I made a literal deathbed promise to be there primarily for the oldest and I KNOW others made similar promises. Four years later and literally two of us still show up for those girls. Everyone else did one dinner or one birthday present and then checked out. I get that life is hard and people are busy but it’s unreal how fair-weather people can be.

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MuttsandHuskies@reddit

Adding to this, you only have a certain amount of time to reach out and claim it for the child. My daughter passed away almost 2 years ago, and my son-in-law almost missed the cutoff for my grandchild. But they will provide backpay back to the date of the loss. So don’t push him to do it today but maybe in a month.

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drinkslinger1974@reddit

Babysit. Let him go to the store alone, go grab a pint, whatever. As a father to two young (under 10) children, I can tell you that sometimes you just need a moment alone. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but a reset is invaluable.

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Sandover5252@reddit

Remember to stay present two and three months down the road. He will have a lot of help up front, but grief and aloneness kick in after a few months, and that is when a trusted friendship really comes in handy. ❤️

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warwatch@reddit

This. Major life tragedies can be extremely isolating after the initial outpouring of support. Mostly unintentional, I believe. A lot of people feel like they don’t know what to say or do, so it slips. I’m terminal and the amount of friends and family that have quietly slipped out of my life is astounding.

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Sandover5252@reddit

Yes - one of my best friends took me under her wing when I found out I was having twins; hers were a couple of months older than mine. I also became friends with her husband. He committed suicide when our kids were preschoolers, and I thanked the priest after the funeral, who gave me this advice.

It does not matter if you show up with two kids in tears - just show up.

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ImmediateRelative379@reddit

be with him let him talk don’t ask questions… it’s so hard i’m sorry

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KittenFace25@reddit

I didn't go through all of the responses, but I've read that rather than asking the grieving person what they need or saying something like "let me know if you ever need anything" (chances are they won't), just do something, for example, restaurant or meal delivery gift cards, or make and freeze meals they can heat and eat.

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eclectic-up-north@reddit

What really does help is practical stuff. Get a decent restaurant to door dash an entire lasagna.

If you know the child well, take them to the lical park for a couple of hours.

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Square-Wing-6273@reddit

Or, make and drop off food. Packaged in portion sizes and ready for the freezer. Label everything, directions on how to reheat. Makes easy, no brainer meals. Mac and cheese, things a three year old would eat.

And, most importantly, ask what they need, don't push, but don't stay away if they don't ask for anything. They'll need to learn what they need and it's ever changing.

Just be a friend.

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Dangerous_Abalone528@reddit

Thankfully I am not experienced in such a devastating loss. But I have helped support friends through it. Sadly, going through it now, a friend just lost her 15 year old daughter to viral myocarditis.

Can you organize a meal train? Collect door dash gift cards? Lots of online options for this and a way for out of town family and friends to help if possible.

Errands and chores. Mow the lawn, take out the trash, buy groceries. Do it and/or organize a group to do it. Don’t ask, just do.

Can you do a collection to hire a house cleaning service?

Can you help with the heavy lifting of toddler duties? Take the child to the park or a movie or the zoo or help with bed and bath time?

You might also need to run interference with well meaning but overwhelming support (my friend in grief has asked for no contact from everyone for now, so we are dropping off food and managing outside home maintenance - they have asked one mutual friend to act as their spokesperson).

The thing that stood out to me the most with my friends, is that after the funeral, after the extended family goes home, they resume going to work and school … the emptiness hits hard. The world keeps turning, but their loss is ever present. So be sure to keep showing up in the weeks and months ahead. Bring dinner, invite them over, pick up paper towels and a carton of milk.

This will be a year of first birthdays and holidays without their wife/mom. Reach out with a “thinking of you.” And next year, on the anniversary of her death, reach out with a small message. Just to let your friend know you are there and you care. Write a note in your calendar or set a reminder in your phone.

I’m sorry for your loss. You are a good friend.

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Lumpy-Artist-6996@reddit

This response is so helpful, and encapsulates do much! I hope the OP sees it.

I'm only going to add on a couple of items. Make sure your friend applies for social security benefits for their child, and the one time benefit fir him (if he gets it, the amount is nominal, but he's probably spending quite a bit on things like the funeral, and could use it).

He's going to have a lot of paperwork to do, and that can be overwhelming as he navigates his grief and tends to his child. If there is a will, it will need to be probated. If there isn't, there is a lot to do to set up her estate. Help him if you can and have the kind of relationship where he can make sure all retirement plans, accounts, insurance are notified.

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sciencerules51202@reddit

I saw another post that talked about the loneliness of silence after their spouse died. People texted but very few actually call and that was devastating. The is a lot of comfort in a friendly voice. Also, it’s harder to hide your pain when somebody calls to check on you, but it’s easy to text. I’m doing OK when the reality is not ok. Call your friend see what they need. Stop by and just clean their house. Their favorite food and just listen to them goes a long way. Be willingly to babysit so they can fall apart without having to be strong for the child.

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Mistervimes65@reddit

In early 2023 we lost a friend that was like a son to me. I’m sixty and I’ve buried a lot of friends and family. I went to therapy. It helped. But the thing that helped me the most was this:

https://youtu.be/dzOvi0Aa2EA?si=9DRMa-XXQC_CEie8

It explains scientifically how and why we grieve and it helped me move from a place of pain to a place of understanding.

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WingZombie@reddit

The biggest thing for me when my wife passed was the people who didn't ask, the just did. People would say "let me know what you need" but my head was spinning and I didn't know. I had friends who just showed up with groceries or a meal. I came home one day and my lawn was mowed. I had people who would text my adult daughter updates (I found this out later). I remember my friend who said "hey, tomorrow night I'm going to pick you up and we can go get a beer and sit and not talk"...he got it because he knew that I didn't want to be alone, but I wasn't really ready to talk about what was going on in my head either.

People who leaned in during that time have since become closer than family.

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chaseinger@reddit

you have fantastic friends.

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Interesting-Put-236@reddit

I love this. Thanks for sharing ❤️

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FeDude55@reddit

I went through a different angle of grief with the loss of my older brother. When my therapist said that I wasn’t okay, that hit me hard. That allowed me to let people in who were checking in on me. I would talk and talk. There was a lot to process and it slowly came out that I had enough room to breathe. My friends and family really helped me.

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Dotsmom@reddit

I lost my daughter last August.

The things that were the most help were: Door dash gift cards People bringing food by

It would have helped me so much if someone had gotten us a few visits from a house cleaning service - cleaning was so hard.

Please don’t be afraid to say his wife’s name and talk about memories of her. One of the worst parts of grief is people avoiding the subject of my daughter.

Thank you for being such a good friend who is willing to be there for them.

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mizuaqua@reddit

I think by spending time with him, let him talk about anything on his mind, if he asks for advice to give advice. He’s probably dealing with a lot of logistics of the memorial, personal effects, shared property, all while grieving. After the logistics part is done, there’s going to be another wave of grief. You can help research the logistics stuff, it’s really overwhelming.

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Bixiebee23@reddit

I came home from work one day and found my husband dead. We were high school sweethearts and he was my everything. Leaving that morning and everything was fine, to an absolute nightmare.

I don't remember the first year after he died at all. I was a robot doing the best I could working and taking care of our kids all alone.

The second year broke me. I look back and I was completely out of my mind. It has now been 12 years and I still find myself reaching for him at night. It honestly took me 10 years to find peace again. Thousands in therapy and grief groups didn't help me at all, but I'm sure others definitely find help there.

The best advice I got was that if I could not be happy at least try to be comfortable. This made all of the horrifically massive stuff I had to cope with smaller. A blanket, a comfort show, the dogs etc... helped so much.

Also, I lost a lot of friends during this time. They just could not deal with my grief, which I understand. But I had one friend who took me out to dinner/drinks twice a month. She didn't even give me a choice. She just sat with me when I couldn't say anything. She would tell me her crazy dating stories and make me laugh when I thought I'd never laugh again. She was just always there. Solid no matter what and regardless of what I was experiencing. She is still my best friend and I will forever be grateful.

All of those people who promised at his funeral to be there for me, she was the only one who truly was. If you can be that person for him, that is such good medicine.

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iamnotbetterthanyou@reddit

Don’t be afraid to talk about his wife and share good memories of your times together. Heck, don’t be afraid to talk, or just sit and watch an inane TV show, or walk, or…

Just remember that you’re not going to remind him of his wife’s death by mentioning it or her.

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Roomoftheeye@reddit

Also not the same but similar. When my mom died suddenly instead of a casserole, my best friend gave me DoorDash gift cards because sometimes making a decision about what to eat when you need to eat is really hard.

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Turbulent_Plastic401@reddit

i’m confused. doesn’t that make it harder? now you have to go on doordash and choose from 50 restaurants?

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Roomoftheeye@reddit

It could. But it was easier than getting in the car, grocery shopping, making dinner for myself let alone my family. One could make it hard, or make it easy. If you’ve ever used that sort of online meal delivery. You already have your favorites. And you just re-order what you got last time. For us it was getting it dropped off at my door. I didn’t have to get dressed, stop crying, and of all the decisions that had to be made, it was easier to order the last thing we got.

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Hungry-Compote-2306@reddit

And you know it'll taste good if it's from a familiar place, so even when nothing tastes good - or even has taste at all - at least you don't have to add "weird or gross food that isn't what I'd normally eat" to the list. Especially helpful for neurodivergent folks, which is frankly a lot more of us than most of us know.

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Turbulent_Plastic401@reddit

oh yes, i agree it’s a very nice and thoughtful thing to do, i agree the casserole is nice too. i was just confused by the wording of your post which specifically said that doordash is nicer than a casserole because it’s hard to decide what to eat.

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Just2Breathe@reddit

I think both have a place. But I agree, making decisions is tough when grieving. So many things to deal with already. I still have a food gift card from a few years ago, I just don’t really like to eat restaurant food. So it might just depend on the person. And if money is going to be tight, all purpose prepaid non-specific debit cards are great for penny pinching meal prep.

Meal trains (friends/family sign up on a schedule for a couple months of like 2-3 times a week drop off of either home cooked or carry out meals) and frozen meals of all the ingredients you just cook up are nice. No thinking about what to get/make, no shopping. Friend can make their own family’s dinner and double it or split it. Freezing 2-3 servings of casserole to heat up on those hard days is just as valuable as delivery and carry out.

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raddishes_united@reddit

Sometimes the “what to eat right now” decision is fine. If that is not your experience you can do something else from the list (clean house, arrange childcare, take them out to dinner, etc)

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ApprehensiveDiver539@reddit

Yes and no dishes to clean and it’s delivered hot to your door. Very thoughtful.

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ThisIsAllTheoretical@reddit

My friends sent me boxes of regular household supplies for a few months after my son died (toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, etc..). It was the most useful and helpful gift I received.

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Hungry-Compote-2306@reddit

Wow, this is such a thoughtful way to help. Thank you for sharing this. Casseroles are great and all, but the things like TP, which we tend to forget but must have - or things like paper plates, that can actually lighten our day to day work when we're drowning in grief - that's just lovely.

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SquirrelBowl@reddit

Keep in close contact. Many people are there at first, but not many are left after a few weeks.

Drop off a casserole or a DoorDash gift card.

Offer to do the yard work or other chores.

Go to religious services with them if they are religious.

Take the kid to a movie. Or both of them!

Just please keep in touch. Often

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thefartyparty@reddit

I haven't lost a spouse, but I did lose both my parents way earlier than my peers and have been through a divorce. It can often take 3-5 years for someone to get closer to their normal life after the death of a close family member, so give them plenty of time and grace.

In the first few months, everybody and their brother will be giving their condolences and pestering your friend. Your friend will definitely want some space during this time. After about 6 months, your friend is going to be very lonely as family/friends will move on and sometimes even avoid your friend to avoid awkward talk while your friend is still grieving. From 6 months onward, your friend will need a lot of support even if they won't say it outright. They likely won't have the bandwidth to delegate tasks or ask for help when they need it.

Keep in contact and keep inviting them to things even if you're pretty sure they won't want to go. Call or text and say "hey, how about if I stop by today and say hi? then show up and help them out with stuff without asking them what they need help with. If the laundry is laying around and the floor hasn't been swept in a while, just do it or help them do it. If they have a house project that has been left unfinished or they need to file their taxes or clean out their spouse's old stuff or need help with the kiddo, grab some beers and offer to help with whatever they need. Stop by to watch movies or games together and just hang out so they can take their mind off things.

And don't judge them when they decide they're ready to date, they could've been grieving their spouse for a long time before they passed.

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Accomplished-Bus-531@reddit

Just actually be a friend and commit to that. Call. Stop by. Don't do it then stop. Just be that friend. That's all. Spoken from experience on both sides of grief

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Just2Breathe@reddit

I haven’t lost an SO, but my parents and a couple friends, and I’ve close family who lost an adult child. That stuff is hard!

I concur on the keep reaching out part. After a few months, people often don’t know what to say, but don’t let it become awkward. There’s a juggling between grieving and trying to move forward. They won’t forget or let it go, they will learn how to carry it with them. So just ask, listen, remember, reassure, look out for them. Notice things and offer to help (I’m headed to the store, can I pick you up some fruit, meat, veggies? Looks like that X needs repair, can I stop by on Saturday and help? Might I watch [the child] while you handle a few tasks/errands or take a nap? How about we walk child to the park and get some fresh air?).

And even years from now, still mention the spouse fondly at times, like when something reminds you of her, because you can rest assured he will have those moments, too.

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ugglygirl@reddit

Physical touch is essential. Hug him a few times whenever you see him. I thought I might die from being touch starved. Encourage him to join a widow group. Let him know all behavior is normal. Guilt anger (even at his spouse) isolation, confusion profound sadness. Lots of emotions they are all normal. Do his laundry or clean his kitchen while you’re hanging out. Don’t ask, just do some easy tasks

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Beginning_Lunch_9113@reddit

Most importantly just be there. I had a number of really awful events happen over the last decade and of my friends and family only one friend and one family member really made themselves available to talk. As men we often don’t know what to say, so we just don’t say anything. He will most likely want to talk about how much it all sucks, you don’t need answers just listen.

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ItsRedditThyme@reddit

You are already doing it. When I lost my child, my friends just being there helped, especially since my family wasn't.

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Madeitup75@reddit

I have not been through this and hope to predecease my wife and never go through it. But I saw my dad and several friends go through it.

One of the things I learned is that there is some decent scientific data that shows SO loss grief is most intense for 6 months. It takes 6 months or so for the bereaved spouse’s brain to require and not constantly “search” for the missing person, only to be painfully jolted with reality. They may still be struggling after 6 months and they will miss the person forever, but that first half a year is brutal because of that internal “where are they? Oh yeah they’re gone” cycle happening many times per hour. Constant painful jolts.

Make sure you really lean in during the back half of that period. Everyone else will have moved on except their kids and her parents and maybe siblings. Put a reminder on your calendar for the 3rd, 4th and 5th month.

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Hungry-Compote-2306@reddit

Mental health clinician here, with training specifically in grief. There's great advice on this thread in general, but this comment is gold.

Also, as someone supporting the grieving, I think it's important to know the timeline for grieving is different for everyone, even though at some point, everyone wants to know if they're going to feel like this forever. Where I was trained, they call it a linear, non-linear process that takes two years, plus or minus. ...and the plus or minus can be months or years. And that's just the more active, frequent parts of grieving - it's not speaking to the weight you carry with you for the rest of your life, and eventually grow around the shape of it.

You don't need to tell your friend any of that, and probably shouldn't. But it's a thing to keep in mind if it feels like it's been forever and they're still "not OK". (OK is never going to look the same again for them, anyway.)

You're a good friend, to ask these questions. In the US, at least, a lot of us are not trained in how to respond to grieving loved ones. Remember to take care of yourself too, if your friend leans on you much at all. You're helping someone who is hurting a lot, and that takes energy and emotional self-care, just like it would if they had a major bodily injury.

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Stunning-Ice-1233@reddit

Just be there for him, especially six months from now and beyond. When my brother passed almost everyone stopped checking in with her after a few weeks. She wasn’t ok for a while, like a year or two. I would help by cooking or getting takeout for him. Their entire world just flipped and it will take some time for them to find a new routine. Give him a hand with the obvious little things so it’s one less thing for him to have to worry about. You can also plan things to take their minds off of things. Take the kid to the zoo or an amusement park. Just make sure he knows he can lean on you. He’s going through one of my greatest fears, I really feel for him.

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marshdd@reddit

Absolutely talk with him about taking the kid when he needs it. How close are you? Are you willing to take them on short notice, because that could be what they need sometimes. The child will want to play, go to a movie, or the playground when Dad just can't get himself up for it.

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ZippyNomad@reddit

Don't expect him to reach out just because you say you are available and they can. That is a lot of responsibility to put on someone dealing with that loss of the SO. Reach out often. Especially when they blow you off a couple times.

My wife isn't gone yet but the future we had planned is. Watching her struggle and suffer for 8 years has been tough and I don't expect it to get easier if she can't get some type of relief.

The number of times my own family actually reached out to help is once, in 8 years. But they only want to help in their own way, which may not be what is truly needed. I had to go no contact for my own sanity after I found that they didn't believe my wife was chronically ill for reasons she had minimal control over.

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EnjoyingTheRide-0606@reddit

For a newly single dad, I’d make sure he knows you’re there as soon as you can arrive. Line up loved ones who will take the child in a pinch. When you cook meals, make a little extra and invite him over. Make a breakfast plate and drop it off. Ask if needs anything before hitting the grocery store. When he needs to be alone, be the step-in parent. The key is to help normalize the day for the child til he’s able to do things again.

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Rezerin@reddit

49m here. I lost my wife to cancer 3 1/2 years ago. I had no real support system and I’ve navigated this hell alone, for the most part.

The main thing I wish I had during that time was a friend just willing to be around me while I grieve. Sit with me, cry with me, & just be there. Everyone wants to bring food & distractions, as well as the never ending trying to cheer me up, when all I wanted was a hug & a shoulder.

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Specialist_Energy335@reddit

Offer to bring meals, have dinner with them, take the kiddo to the park or zoo, just be there. Even letting him know that you're available to listen. I'm sorry to hear of your and your friend's recent losses. A gal I was close to in college lost her husband a few years back, but we lost touch. I just happened to Google her name only to find the website she made for condolences. Hell, I was there for their first blind date. I can't image what she went through. They had kids early so they're in their 30s now.

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Elektro_Statik@reddit

Show up with fried chicken

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mapleleaffem@reddit

Just be there for them and encourage them to grieve however and for as long as they need to. Everyone is different. Offer breaks from their kiddo if they want them.

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Nervous_Guest3449@reddit

Pop-ins! I am down the widows road a bit and recall only profound gratitude for the friendship breaking through the grief when friends showed up and dropped a hug. Never have been able to recall specifically who or what triggered those occasional moments.

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Airlik@reddit

When a friend lost her mother too young, we were out having drinks and playing pool, and I just said… hey, I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I really can’t imagine how hard it is or how you’re feeling… but I’m here to help you continue to live, show that despite it all there’s continuity, and be here if you need anything. She said it was the best thing anyone had said to her.

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InfectedSteve@reddit

OP, offer. to. take. the. kid. for. a. day.

This will be some of the biggest help you can give him. Take the kid off his hands for a bit, let him have his time at home, alone to decompress and just -be- with out interruption and let the guy process what he needs to with out a 3 year old running around not understanding what exactly happened yet.

After that, come by his house, be a friend, see if he wants to do some yard work together, offer to help come over and pick up and clean up the house with him from time to time.
With a 3 year old, the loss of his partner, a job he may or may not be balancing, house work, meal prep, and other things are going to be slim to none.

If you have friends in other areas of employment, reach out to them for him if you think he would be willing / able / and available for the jobs. Helping someone get back on their feet with a bit of networking goes a long way for some people.
And it wouldnt look like a sympathy hand out. He'd still be earning it on his own merit, you just pushed him to the right people.

Other than that, lend a shoulder and a supportive ear and be the same friend you always were to him with out seeming 'extra' about it, people appreciate the little extras, but after awhile, it gets too much, and they'd rather just have the normalcy.

Good luck to your friend.

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VerdantField@reddit

This is the best, yes

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aran_maybe@reddit

Be there. My friends were not and I was miserable for it. Eventually I cut them off and collected new friends.

Just be aware that your friend will likely be angry, bitter, and unpleasant to be around. Do not take it personally. It’s all part of the grieving process. Do NOT ask how they are. It’s plainly obvious they are not ok and will not be for a very long time. Everyone grieves differently but the one thing that wr all share is that it changes our outlook forever. Your friend will never be the same person they were before they were widowed. As a friend, the best thing you can do is to be there. Bring him a cup of coffee. Ask if he needs a shoulder to cry on. Take him on a hike, or better yet get him out of town. Be a friend. And again do NOT ask how he’s doing. That was the question I hated the most.

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Sepa-Kingdom@reddit

My advice is when you ask them how they are, ask how they are today.

The feelings are so huge, and constantly up and down that a general question is very difficult to answer and the person clams up and a distance is created.

Asking how the person feels today is much more specific and is easier to answer.

Drop a text every few days asking how they are today, or give them a quick 30 second call if that’s what they prefer. If they don’t answer, or don’t want to talk, don’t worry, just send them another text or give them another call in a few days. It says you’re there and you’re thinking of them. It allows them to talk if they want to, or not talk if they don’t want to.

It’s very powerful to just be a constant presence in their lives, offering support but not asking anything in return.

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in-a-microbus@reddit

Something very important: check up on them when everyone else has stopped.

I've known too many people who had all the love and support they have ever needed...for 3 months.

Then everyone moved on with their lives and she felt alone.

Also: children process grief much more slowly. Getting the kid in therapy now isn't going to help as much as 6 months from now when he finally understands mom isn't coming back.

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Reddish_Leader@reddit

Agree with this. Grief is not linear, and a lot of well-intentioned people provide a ton of support in the immediate aftermath (which is always helpful, don’t get me wrong), but some people take a lot more time to come to terms with things. Significant dates down the road can be awful at a point when people think you’ve moved on (especially in our generation because we’re not always great at showing the cracks). Someone, maybe a movie writer, maybe an academic, once said that grief is like a rock that you carry. You never put it down, but over time, your muscles get used to carrying it. Like in training at the gym, some days, the rock feels heavier, and other days it’s just part of you. Long story short, it’s worthwhile to check in with your friend in a few months as well.

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raddishes_united@reddit

I find it helpful to put reminders in my calendar for these things.

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This-Assumption4123@reddit

One day my husband of 20 years went to work and never came home. He got to work and collapsed getting out of his car heart attack. They tried for two hours to get him back and couldn’t. Our twins were in high school. No warning just here then gone. We had no life insurance and never prepared so young for death or burial. What I needed was someone to be there and a shoulder to cry on. There was nothing they could say to help me other than to listen and be there. I had to call my three older kids and tell them and my twins when they got home from school. Life does go on though. I found love again and remarried and when and if that time comes for your friend be there for that also because it does trigger grief then also. Knowing what you had thought your life would be changed.

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MundaneHuckleberry58@reddit

Don’t give up.

I supported my bff when his wife passed from cancer. There was an immediate outpouring of support from everyone ….then slowly, over the months & years, people stopped reaching out & checking in.

Offer to take the kid/s on a regular basis. I would take his kids to soccer every Saturday. That kind of thing.

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Claque-2@reddit

Hey, manly men. Real hugs and if you have three or four men there, all join in.

You don't need to say a word. An amputation of the soul has happened and you just need to hug it out until it stops bleeding.

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joeynsf@reddit

In my experience people who have experienced loss have lots of support for the few weeks but then it tapers off...my suggestion is to check in weekly for the next several months...this simple act meant a lot to me when I was grieving a loss...

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_ItsTheLittleThings_@reddit

I agree with the already stated, “Don’t ask what you can do, just do.” Saying, “Let me know what you need or if you need anything,” puts the burden on the already overwhelmed and grieving individual to come up with something for you to do. Then, what if what they ask you to do you really can’t do? Better to say, “I have Thursday available all day. Let me come over and take junior to the park for an hour so you can make some phone calls or take a nap,” or “I’ll be there on Saturday at 10am to do your laundry and meal prep a few things.”

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Hoz999@reddit

My Lutheran wife continues with the costume of preparing a meal or two for the family and freezing it.

She stops by and gives the friend a hug and our phone number so he can call us if anything else is needed.

I go along carrying the stuff and he gets a hug from me too. I am in charge of mowing their lawn when I mow my lawn and get bags of dry food for their dogs and cat.

We are there to help or “just be there in case”, you know.

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Spear_Ritual@reddit

If there are others, make a list that folks can sign up for. Dishes, laundry, babysitting.

During funerals/mourning, people need a helper (I say goon or enforcer) that just does stuff. They know their friend/family and they just give space to mourn.

You’re a good dude. I’m sorry for your friends loss.

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scooter_orourke@reddit

Help with the child. They are going to have to learn how to do everything for the 3yo. Offer to babysit so they can do stuff or go places.

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randombarbs@reddit

besides food, there are homes to be cleaned,* laundry to be done, and possibly yards to tend. Do those things.

i do tell folks i draw the line at cleaning folks' toilets. that's on them.

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MeanWoodpecker9971@reddit

Not exactly had the same experience but I would say. Don't wait to be asked. Go over. Help out. Bring dinner etc.