Are American men more direct in flirting? If so, do you appreciate it?

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TipsyBaker_@reddit

In my area many who try to talk to me are just inappropriate. Socially awkward at best. Straightforward isn't a word I'd use for it.

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oaklicious@reddit

America is 350 million people. Some of them might be more direct than Belgians.

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It depends. It's fairly common to talk to strangers here. But catcalling is frowned upon and can be considered harassment. Which when you compare that to some other European countries is way less common.

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BadPAV3@reddit

Wait, if catcalling doesn't work, I've got no plan B.

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CrashRiot@reddit

Late to the party but I remember my friend and I walking to the grocery store behind a woman and a truck went by and did the whole stereotypical whistle and whoop thing. All three of us stopped at the crosswalk and my friend and I said, "I didn't think that was real, is that common?"

Please excuse me for being ignorant, I grew up in a small town and had never seen it outside of fiction. She said basically to the effect of, "yes it happens". Again, ignorance, but it blew my mind that people could just be so disrespectful.

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OK_Stop_Already@reddit

Depends on the person. there's not really a specifically defined 'culture'. Lots of different styles and preferences floating around. some people are direct, some are not, it just depends.

Nations of Immigrants, etc...

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Bluemonogi@reddit

This is probably a case where some people are very direct and others are not.

I am 51 years old and have been married 26 years so I can’t tell as much about what young people do now. When I was young and single I don’t think I was flirted with by strangers. Maybe a few guys I had just an acquaintance with but not total strangers walking up to me. I did not go to clubs or bars were maybe people were approaching strangers more often though. Among people I knew very few would date multiple people at the same time. There was some negativity about doing that.

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Prize_Consequence568@reddit

"Are American men more direct in flirting?"

Are Italians?

Are the French 🥖?

Are the Spanish?

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Ghoulish_kitten@reddit

… and how do you know that the men you talk to are not talking to other people?

Like how is this established that it is your culture is it just you thinking this lol?

Is there no chance that culturally it’s just considered uncouth to mention/talk about out it?

As an example in America, one can say “we don’t believe in cheating.” 💀 it absolutely does not mean that it’s not the norm. It just means it’s uncouth to talk about it or to be OK with it; a juxtaposition with Japanese cheating culture.

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mp85747@reddit

I'm also originally from Europe and never understood the American concept of "dating" multiple people at a time, no matter what exactly it involves. I believe in single attempts and serial monogamy.

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IPreferDiamonds@reddit

Our culture also makes it so dating multiple people, even if you haven't kissed or had sex with anyone, feels like a small betrayal and turn off

If you aren't kissing someone, then you aren't dating, in my opinion. That's just friends hanging out and doing things together.

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LifeApprehensive2818@reddit

You're reminding me of pop media's obsession a decade or so ago with the question "can men and women just be friends?", and their feverish attempts to convince people that the answer was "no".

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mp85747@reddit

The answer is still NO and always will be! I used to believe this BS when I was very young. Then, EVERY SINGE male "friend" of mine made a pass, even if they were patient enough to wait decades! Men don't care to befriend women unless they have sexual interest. If some do, it's because they don't find them sexually attractive, but that's pretty rare.

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Zealousideal_Top20@reddit

I think it's more about community structures and age. Americans (obv generalizing) don't have very strong community and social structures you get in a lot of other countries. Once you're out of school, the types of casual informal social situations where you'd feel out a prospective partner with friends at the pub or a park or whatever are just less common. Americans are also much more reticent about socializing with coworkers, which removes those networks too. For those reasons, it's normal for American relationships do start with strangers

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thedisciple516@reddit

What part of Belgium are you from French or Flanders? Because based on my time living there compared to French men (from France) American men are ice zombie prudes.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

I'm from Antwerp in Flanders. Are you America' or French?

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thedisciple516@reddit

American

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lavasca@reddit

Here it is different.

The circumstances you describe in Belgium can dry up totally after one graduates university or hits age ~24 (sometimes up to 30). You might have friends but it is leas likely to have mutual friends.

Direct can be the only way sometimes.

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Great_Chipmunk4357@reddit

Do not expect any kind of consensus to your question. You’re asking 350 million Americans spread out over 10 million square kilometers what they think. Some of them live in woodlands, others in open plains. Some live in rain forests and others in deserts. Good luck!

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Great_Chipmunk4357@reddit

You’ve noticed that “Americans in general” do something. You DO realize that there are 350 million Americans occupying 10 million sq km of land. Some live on the ocean shore; some live in mountains; some live in deserts; some live in eternal snow; some live on tropical islands. The results of this poll should be fascinating.

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tcspears@reddit

Americans tend to be more open and friendly, both romantically and just platonically. Also, we're much less conservative, or rules-based, when it comes to romance or relationships. Often there will be a period where you are seeing each other, but not exclusively, and usually that's a big step couples will take, to become exclusive.

Part of it, is Americans tend to move out from their family home pretty quickly, and Americans are very mobile, often moving cities/towns. That tends to be much less common in many European cultures. Because of that, we're always meeting new people that could be friends or romantic interests. Also, you don't have the stigma of bringing multiple dates to your family home, since you're out on your own. You're also not tied down to your original friend group.

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mumkinle@reddit

I find that men in the younger generation tend to be more shy about their flirting nowadays, but I’m not sure how that compares to men from Belgium. “Older” American men are often times more forward and direct with their flirting. I will say that you’re probably experiencing something a bit more particular to being a foreigner in America, wherein people (even outside of romantic interest) are automatically more drawn to you and less socially hesitant than they would be around their American peers.

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This-Reindeer6063@reddit

I'm not one of the people men tend to flirt with, but I wouldn't really appreciate it if a stranger just randomly came up to me to flirt. It would probably be more comfortable if there was already some sort of repertoire/acquaintance thing going on.

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Great_Chipmunk4357@reddit

Why do people ask if Americans like the American way of doing things? The American way of doing things has evolved to reflect American customs and values. It works for us because it fits in with how we do everything else. Most Americans don’t know if there are other ways of doing things and don’t care. It’s like all other countries in that respect.

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icyDinosaur@reddit

Huh? There are many things in my home country of Switzerland that I don't like. Many of them reflect past values that no longer seem relatable to me, or have grown out of customs and values of one part of the country and spread from there. Just because you grow up with something doesn't mean you have to like it.

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Great_Chipmunk4357@reddit

Switzerland is a tiny country surrounded by many other countries. The United States is a world unto itself. Americans simply do not come into contact with other cultures. Everybody copies what we do.

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gofindyour@reddit

Yes they do that a lot. It's creepy in my opinion. I met my husband through friends though so it can be both

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ThePurityPixel@reddit

Our culture also makes it so dating multiple people, even if you haven't kissed or had sex with anyone, feels like a small betrayal and turn off ('how are you serious about me if you see other people?').

To me this seems a false dichotomy. Someone who's very serious about a job application, for example, and genuinely hoping for the best, will nonetheless have job applications with other companies too.

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Moss_Green_No21@reddit

How can you compare jobs and relationships? Well nonetheless, you can have multiple jobs, you should never have multiple relationships...

Feelings are not business. whut??.....

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ThePurityPixel@reddit

See OP's post. It was about dating, not relationships.

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Moss_Green_No21@reddit

Same thing. People are not to treat like a business plan ;)

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

It's very American to compare this with a job application lol. Falling in love is not a choice

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HeySandyStrange@reddit

Attraction isn’t a choice; real love takes time to develop so if you put the time into it, it is.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

Yes, that's what I said. Hence it's odd to compare to a job application.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

No, that’s the exact opposite of what you said.

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Rauillindion@reddit

No, but if you want it to happen, only talking to one person at a time is sure going to make it take a lot longer.

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ThePurityPixel@reddit

Acting on interest is.

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D3moknight@reddit

There is a big range between people that don't know you and will ask you out on a date, and people that have known you for 10 years as close friends and terrified to tell you that they like you because you might not like them back in the same way.

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MuppetManiac@reddit

If you’re seeing multiple people, the assumption in America is that you aren’t serious. Here, you can date someone you aren’t serious about. You can go on dates and have fun with a member of the opposite sex, even kiss them or have sex with them and enjoy that without having any deeper feelings or intention to date long term. Dating can be fun and some people do it for entertainment. There are plenty of people who feel as you do and date with the intention to form a deep relationship. But there are plenty of people who don’t. This leads to a low context culture, where intention needs to be explicitly stated, which leads to a much more straightforward communication between romantic partners. This has the effect of higher context cultures feeling that Americans are very direct with their romantic interactions.

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redvinebitty@reddit

Have you been to Italy?

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seidinove@reddit

I'm going to take a detour from your question because something you said caught my eye: I've notice the dichotomy that you describe about your dating culture at home versus here in the U.S. I have seen the same comment several times from Europeans, that once you start dating somebody, you give it a chance and don't play the field.

I've been married for a long time and am therefore out of the game, but from what I have gleaned of current American dating culture, at least on Reddit (I know, I know), is that it is OK to date others until you make an explicit agreement to be exclusive.

Getting back to your question, perhaps that is why at least some American men approach strangers.

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tarheel_204@reddit

I’ve (28M) been on the dating apps since the beginning of the year. I just assume whoever I’m going on dates with is either talking to or going on dates with other guys, which is just the nature of the beast I guess. With that said, that’s not always the case. Some people (like myself) prefer seeing one person at a time.

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sgtm7@reddit

Your comment about most on reddit saying it is okay--that highly depends on which subreddit.

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Swimming-Book-1296@reddit

it works better with american women. American women are very proud and once they know you well, they aren't as open as when they know you only a little.

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TheBimpo@reddit

We’re not a monoculture. About anything. Not flirting, not watching soccer, not what we watch on TV.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

I know, hence my question. Do you watch soccer?

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idontneed013@reddit

He means there’s no way to say “yes they are” because this varies state to state city to city. American is a broad culture.

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dontforgettowriteme@reddit

Some men are more direct, some will follow you around but never say anything to you. But you and your friends will clock him lurking.

People and their approach to dating, flirting, romancing, and relating cross a spectrum here. lol

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

Joo, it's 100% also comes down to personality. But following someone is creepy and not flirty ofc. If you fantasize about someone ask them out or enjoy your fantasy in private (and keep it a mere fantasy), there's no inbetween.

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dontforgettowriteme@reddit

Don't I know it. I'm a woman, I've seen all kinds of approaches and not approaches. Varies by the man. I wouldn't say there's one overall approach. But the cold approach certainly happens. Sometimes in an acceptable environment, oftentimes not.

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JimBones31@reddit

Very straightforward.

Much less so than other countries.

Our culture also makes it so dating multiple people, even if you haven't kissed or had sex with anyone, feels like a small betrayal and turn off ('how are you serious about me if you see other people?').

Same here. Depending on age and social circles of course.

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tangledbysnow@reddit

They call the USA a low context culture when we really really aren’t. Yes, overall we value clear communication and rely more on verbal vs nonverbal or contextual communications but we get grouped in with Germany and the Scandinavian countries. I don’t feel that’s accurate. Especially because I am autistic and can see from the outside the differences. Maybe it’s just because I live in the Midwest though (the Midwest and the South are both considered high context cultural areas for example).

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Naddyman2005@reddit

Yeah, the high context vs low context thing doesn’t work for large countries like the US, in other words, countries with significant diversity in subcultures. Yes the Midwest and the South are more so high context, but come to NYC or many areas in the Northeast and you’ll definitely experience low context culture, (I call ourselves the Germans of America).

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tangledbysnow@reddit

Oh that’s true. I’ve only ever been to NYC in the NE and it was definitely like speaking another language.

I’m fascinated that the Midwest is high context when Germany and the Scandinavian countries, literally the vast majority of the ancestry for the Midwest, are low context.

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LifeApprehensive2818@reddit

Germany also has a lot of regional cultural variation. The explanation I heard was that a significant portion of the German immigrants to the US were from relatively high context regions; the Midwest is more similar to Bavaria than Berlin.

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Naddyman2005@reddit

And a large portion of NYC’s people claim Italian, Puerto Rican and Dominican ancestry; all of which ( except Italy, which falls in between the low context and high context spectrum) are high context cultures🤷‍♂️

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Hooterz03@reddit

I’ve never heard of high context vs low context. What does it mean in this context (lol)?

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IthurielSpear@reddit

Please Google this. The explanation is long and any answer is going to copy/paste anyway.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

Low context meaning the context in which you'd approach someone you like isn't so relevant? As in whether you approach someone through friends, randomly at a bar or in church doesn't make much difference?

And now you mention it. I think I agree that the dating culture in Scandinavian countries and Germany is indeed more direct. Now I think of it, the different culture (perhps also in the USA?) is more likely (and very broadly) North vs South?

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Highway49@reddit

Is there any culture that is low context when it comes to dating? Generally, dating requires some "talking in code," like asking someone to come inside to "watch Netflix and chill." There is a lot left to implication, which makes dating frustrating for direct people like me, where I would love it if a woman asked me, "want to come inside and bang?" LOL

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Longwell2020@reddit

So you are expected to know someone before getting to know someone?

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

Fair point. I mean know of them through friends or know that they know someone you know if that makes sense.

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msabeln@reddit

“Free love” is a popular philosophy in the USA. And Americans tend to be direct and open.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

What do you mean with 'free love'?

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cruzweb@reddit

What you're describing in this thread has nothing to do with the "free love" concept. We're just friendly, and they may or may not be hitting on you.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

Joo, I looked it up. 'free love' as a political concept seems like unnessary jargon. Just say secularism or feminism. Romeo and Julliet already did it.

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Otherwise-OhWell@reddit

They probably just mean they found a contrarian point to bring up. Reddit.

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msabeln@reddit

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_love

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VentusHermetis@reddit

We usually get to know each through friends, then test the surface and vibes for a while, then go on a date.

Ain't nobody got time fo' dat

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

Hahah, why the rush though?

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Comfortable-Bike9080@reddit

yeah, guys here are just straight forward and open, like they don't even care if they are meeting someone for the first time

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

It feels refreshing for me tbh. Less playing games and figuring out what the other person thinks. What do you think?

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Otherwise-OhWell@reddit

Are you in college?

I met the lady who would become my wife by asking her if I could sit at her table in the cafeteria on my (our) first day of school. Turns out she was a Russian exchange student. It worked out for us and the last 30 years together have been pretty good.

Tl;dr: college kids are horny and eager to try new things.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

I'm not in college anymore. Everyone is horny, no?

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Otherwise-OhWell@reddit

As I got older, I learned to find a balance between acting on my horniness and the possible consequences. I hit the jackpot once, and I'm still enjoying its results to this day, I don't need to play again.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

I'm happy for you. For me, being horny is just a state/feeling. It definitely doesn't mean I want another partner. Though I'm sure it's different for everyone.

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Rockerstar33@reddit

Yeah flirting and dating culture tends to be more direct here. Guys will often be upfront about interest early, and dating multiple people at once is generally seen as normal

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JackPineSavage-@reddit

Cold approaching is generally frowned upon in the US as whole. We use dating apps like a civilized society lol

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sgtm7@reddit

Depends on the venue. At a club or bar, it is not only not frowned upon, it is expected.

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juliabk@reddit

I always found it horribly creepy. There I am, minding my own business and suddenly there’s a guy coming up to me out of the blue. Please go away and let me read in peace.

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IPreferDiamonds@reddit

I had a guy cold approach me in the 1990s and he was so charming that we ended up dating for a bit!

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IPreferDiamonds@reddit

I'm 58 and had guys "cold approach" me in the 1990s all the time. It was fine. It all depends on where they do it and what they say. Of course, this was before internet dating.

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-Boston-Terrier-@reddit

This is not true at all and further proof of how unrepresentative this sub is of the United States as a whole.

You guys might not be able to talk to girls without an app but it is extremely common to approach people at bars, etc. The idea that this is frowned upon is nonsense.

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TSDOP@reddit (OP)

I'm slowly realising that it was my enormous ego which thought that the compliments were flirting omg hahaha. I'm embarrassed now.

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SAM5TER5@reddit

Hmmm I wouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions, if strangers are regularly complimenting you then they are probably flirting with you.

Not everyone are antisocial dating app users, and even those who are may easily still flirt with people in person lol. I think Reddit is not necessarily going to be the most representative sample of American males lol

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hbi2k@reddit

Don't feel bad. Realizing that the waitress isn't flirting with you, she's just being friendly and hoping for a good tip, is an American male rite of passage. You're just getting a chance to see how the opposite gender lives. (:

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Heatmap_BP3@reddit

Maybe it starts that way and then turns into that. I coached an Indian friend (grew up in Abu Dhabi though) and approaching American women because Indian men can be way, way more direct. It's too much for American women. It worked out for him eventually though.

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rilakkuma1@reddit

Americans like to compliment strangers! It's not your ego, that's a real cultural difference that confuses a lot of people.

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BuildNuyTheUrbanGuy@reddit

We do both very much.

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caseygwenstacy@reddit

From what I gather from talking to others, most people don’t like getting to know someone before asking them out, especially if they’re already friends. There’s a high value to pre-established relationships that most don’t want to risk, so they find it easier to cold ask out people instead.

I have always had luck doing the opposite. All of my partners have been people I was already friends with. When things didn’t work out, we remained friends until we moved on. It wasn’t necessarily a loss. I don’t typically break up with people like nothing went wrong. There’s always feelings. But I have more than one friend. I’m not going to be alone when I’m single. And I will make new friends because making new friends is surprisingly easy. And if I end up having feelings for a friend, then I figure out what to do from there. The only relationships I have had were when them and I both liked each other and started dating.

It really isn’t impossible, there’s just a lot of anxiety, and being turned down by a stranger feels less heartbreaking than risking a friendship. I personally try my best to figure out if they possibly reciprocate feelings before risking anything. If we are both having a good time and are getting close, then it isn’t me going out on a limb, we both visibly have feelings.

So that’s why. I guess Americans are too afraid to lose friendships so they try their best to date strangers, which doesn’t feel good for an uninterested stranger being interrupted by someone trying to ask them out.

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HeySandyStrange@reddit

Our culture also makes it so dating multiple people, even if you haven't kissed or had sex with anyone, feels like a small betrayal and turn off ('how are you serious about me if you see other people?')>

Considering how casual a lot of Europeans and European cultures are about cheating/infidelity, I’m a little surprised that openly dating multiple people is a bridge too far lol. I’d take that over the casual cheating culture any day.

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-Boston-Terrier-@reddit

Probably. At least on average.

I mean I don't have any statistics to back it up but we do seem to be more extroverted than Europeans on average. We're far more likely to strike up a conversation with a stranger and it seems reasonable that this would also apply to dating too.

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