Are these legit stresses? I feel like I’m up to my eyeballs in stress and possibly need a reality check!?
Posted by PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 95 comments
Circumstances are thus:
- I have quite a stressful job involving supporting people in complex / emotional situations.
- I have two young and very cool kids. Albeit they’re exhausting, up early, arguing, classic kid stuff.
- I have an awesome and super cool wife. But I often feel guilty she’s taking the brunt of parenting because I’m often working over etc.
- I’m the main person for a few people outside of my immediate family. My brother is an unemployed alcoholic who I’m trying to support and keep calm, along with a close friend who I’m his main guy during a divorce.
- I have dodgy back and need to go to the gym often but struggle to fit it in with parent obligations.
I feel like I’m about to pop with stress!
How do you deal with this kind of stuff? Take it in your stride? Back off from things?
erbstar@reddit
OP you're talking about me 10 years ago. I didn't learn. I'm still the main guy, I'm the carer for 2 family members living with me, work a job that supports the most vulnerable in society and have been re-burntout more times than I can remember. My job was a really supportive environment. Then I got a manager who is literally evil, the last 2 years I have been hell. To top it off, I've been suspended from work and am likely going to get the short goodbye and we have just been evicted. Somehow I'm managing. I've copied by having a small supportive network of people around me, ongoing therapy and I try to practice mindfulness (and am on good medication). I've learnt a lot these past few years and that's change only happens when it's forced on me. Trying to fight the inevitable only causes more pain. I know it won't be like this in 6 months and I'm trying to keep the half glass full.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Hey man I hope things pick up! 👊
erbstar@reddit
Thanks dude 🙂 When life gives you lemons, go buy some sugar and make lemonade!
I'll pick myself back up, so will you my friend.
All the best with your situation, and feel free to hit me up if you need a chat 😁
External-Praline-451@reddit
Have you opened up to your brother and friend, who you are supporting? You need support, too! You deserve to be supported and for things to be reciprocated. They may feel grateful to have a chance to give back, and to forget their problems.
I'd also look at carving out time for yourself at the gym, or whatever you need, each week that is non-negotiable, except in extreme circumstances. You need to look after yourself in order to look after everyone else. Put your oxygen mask on first, as it were, because you wouldn't be able to support them if you collapsed with stress.
Maybe look at cutting back drinking too much at the weekend - it will ultimately make you feel much worse, physically and mentally.
Don't be afraid to ask for help and reach out, go to the gp if you feel you can't cope.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
This all makes sense. As it stands my brother and friend don’t really know the impact my supportive role has.
External-Praline-451@reddit
I hope you can talk to them. They might be really happy to reciprocate the support you've given them, and at the very least, they need to understand you've got your own stuff going on and are struggling. If you're always the strong one, sometimes people just assume you can give and give without being affected. Wishing you well.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
You’re very kind for writing this! Thank you. You’re right.. I’m helping too many people at my own expense!
PowerApp101@reddit
You're in the "messy middle" of life. This is likely the hardest it will ever be. But it will get better over time, I have lived through it. Always focus on the future and have goals, something to aim for. Save a little money if you can. Invest in your health and make time to have date nights with your wife.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Date nights with my wife is a great idea! Thank you!
I’ve had a messy middle for about 10-12 years! 😂
kone29@reddit
Lots of good suggestions here, one I have experience with is the alcoholic brother. I was the alcoholic (recovered now). Addicts absolutely drain anyone they’re close to and it is really tough trying to help us. Al anon is really good for getting some support from others and just sharing how you’re feeling
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing this. It is tough. I’ve taken him to AA. And then realised that it’s he came because I treated is to tea our beforehand and that meant he didn’t pay for food and had more £ for booze. But I’ll keep trying.
Digital-Dinosaur@reddit
I saw a therapist recently and described effectively what you did and said it's not much but this is what I gave going on.
She looked at me and said ", this is a lot for anyone." And I don't know why that sticks with me. I'd recommend seeing a therapist if you can. It helped me take another look at what's going on. I helped me assess for myself what's important
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I’ve had counselling before and would probably benefit again. Thanks.
IanM50@reddit
Learn to 'take five'. Stop for 5 minutes, sit down, and breath, preferably outside in your garden, or in a local park.
If you have a garden, look at turning a small part of it into your siting, relaxing space. Add some running water, and some flowers, to help you to take time out and relax.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Sounds very peaceful
iketoure@reddit
What's up with your back? Depending on what it is you could check out "lowbackability" on Instagram
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
I’ve slipped a disc.
Nipplecunt@reddit
I built a gym at home and saved myself a lot of time
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Can you build one at mine? My backs dodgy! 🤪👊
RelativeShoulder370@reddit
Some jobs are more stressful and time consuming than others. With your job it's hard to switch off at the end of a shift but you need to be able to do so. Speak to colleagues to see how they cope. Family and others that depend on you are different, you need to be there for them. Even so make sure your friend and brother have the professional help they need. Put down boundaries so you have time for family.
As others have said you need your own space to chill out, so does your wife. Set routines for family time, take the children out somewhere to give your wife a breather. You will enjoy it and feel closer to your children. Remember you are human, you can't do everything, just do what you can, when you can.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thank you! 🙏
That_Organization901@reddit
You’re not overreacting here. I also work in a similar field and I feel like I don’t have time to process my day before my personal life hits me.
Some days are truly awful and harrowing and I worry that I will turn up in the morning and the worst has happened. Other days I feel like I’m getting nowhere and all hope is gone. Some days I get a breakthrough and want to cry because I’m overwhelmed with emotional outpouring.
But I go home and have to be someone else for those dependents.
First off, talk to your manager about support in terms of talking therapies and workplace arrangements to support you in your role. You’re allowed to have therapy sessions in your scheduled work hours. Seek a higher power and let them know you’re human.
I stole an idea off a friend who works in care. He goes home, goes straight into the kitchen ignoring everyone, and just goes at cleaning and preparing dinner etc.: just him and menial tasks and time to process before seeing anyone else. It adds value to home but allows for processing time.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Not having time to process your day before personal life hits is very accurate. It can become a blur!
Ok-You4214@reddit
Dude - are you me?
Stressful job, amazing wife taking on extra parenting for 2 kids, back pain requiring exercise- all check.
Though there’s no stress for an alcoholic brother (he is unemployed extremely autistic) and my wife is severely disabled and in a wheelchair with all that entails (hence my back).
What I do: 1) pick your battles. You can’t fight them all, all at once.
2) for me, I discovered 0530 as prime exercise time as no-one else exists yet. The time is yours and yours alone, and for me that doubles up as my me time.
3) recognise who is putting pressure and guilt on you. I’m 99% sure it’s you - so you need to forgive yourself.
You’re doing great my man - keep going.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thank you! Very kind and appreciate such lovely feedback!
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
Firstly, don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Tell your brother and your friend that your ability to support them is reducing because you are being broken by other loads. your brother in particular needs to own his situation and take responsibility.
Secondly - you are in a situation where it would be easy for drinking, smoking or drugs to go out of control and make everything worse. I strongly recommend trying to cut down on any coping mechanism other than quiet time and exercise. Natural endorphins are the best treatment for stress.
Thirdly - and because this is what you came for - these are entirely legit stresses. You've taken a lot on and it comes at a cost.
Assess your primary responsibilities; Your children and wife, and yourself, and tend to them first. Work is a 2nd-rank primary responsibility, it should be important but not quite as.
Everyone else should be allocated some time from what time is left after taking care of these needs, including your own needs.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
These are really kind words and much appreciated. My wife and kids front and centre is what I need to focus on. Thank you! 🙏
Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit
Can you buy support? A part time nanny or babysitter to take a few hours of childcare off you both? Perhaps if they did school pick up, activities, dinner, bath bed twice a week, you and wife could go out or just go to bed and sleep, or see a film, weekend away, etc.
If you can't afford that, what about a regular cleaner? Someone cleaning and sorting laundry a few times a week takes some of the load off you both.
Buy in some healthy frozen meals so you have dinner sorted a few nights a week.
Delegate what you can at work and truly switch off outside of work hours (I delete slack and email off my phone when I need to).
Cut back on the booze, because it will for sure be impacting your sleep and without food sleep, nobody can function.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Poo poo I appreciate this advice. I’m not a big spender. I work loads and we’re aiming to clear the mortgage as I hate debt. But yeah.. getting some help with cleaning / gardening etc sounds worthwhile.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
And thank you 🙏
Huge-Brick-3495@reddit
I feel all of this.
I just try to remind myself that I'm in the "blurred years" and things can only get easier. Young kids are hard work, but every year they will be more independent. Your job is tough, but every year you gain more experience. It will be hard to feel this stressed in future years (or so I tell myself).
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
We shall see huge brick. I’m still playing the waiting game! Ha
Margotkittie@reddit
At my old job, they tried to teach mindfulness as they knew they were sitting on a stress time bomb. One thing that stuck with me was the circle of influence. You categorise all your stresses into one of 3 circles. Things you can change, things you can influence, things that are outside your control. I still use this technique 15 years later. It helps me focus my efforts better, so helping me identify stress in my life better.
So for you, as an example: you can't change the stress your job gives you, due to the nature of your work. But, can you? Have you spoken to your manager, is the workload too much, are you getting enough downtime. Those are things you could influence potentially. If not, it is what it is and outside your control, go with the flow and move on to something you can change. (Or potentially look for a different job like I did).
Simplistically explained, but it can really help you put things into perspective, and give you an action list, so rather than stressing, you are managing.
Well done for recognising it. Stress is a bitch that can sneak up on you. I found that once I hit "tilt" on my stress-o-meter, my health was screwed. (Years before this course!) I'd gained weight, had a hugely high blood pressure and had a reduced tolerance for stress ongoing.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Stress is a bugger. I’m in a career whereby basically I help solve other peoples real world problems and it doesn’t half take its toll! 😴
JoannaCuppa@reddit
Can you get your brother or friend to join your gym? Then it's focusing on your health whilst also being there for them. It will do them good too.
You absolutely can't be responsible for another adult's alcoholism, it will pull you down trying to help. The only person who can help your brother is him and the GP. And your brother has to really want to. It's ok to pull back a bit to save yourself.
I definitely agree with the recommendations of getting a cleaner if you can, trying to buy in whatever help you can. It takes a mental load off that you can't put a price on. Is it something you could afford if you stopped drinking too? Then it's a definite win/win.
Don't be afraid to talk to your GP yourself if you could use some support. You can't help anyone, in any part of life, if you crack up yourself. You matter. So please put you and your little family first.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thanks Joanna. I’ve really tried to encourage the gym. They’re not game. Thanks for your advice.
wardyms@reddit
How many hours a week do you work? How many are you actually contracted to do?
For me, work is always the first thing to go if there’s crunch point. If you’re suffering with stress, go off sick. It’s an illness.
How much sleep are you getting? Could you get more by going to bed earlier?
Are you eating balanced diet?
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
I’m working about 45-7 hours a week. Sleep 7-ish hours hopefully. I eat not great and drink at the weekends probably more than I should.
Feel zonked.
wardyms@reddit
All I can suggest is work a bit less, try and sleep a bit more, eat a bit better. If that makes no difference then do something more extreme.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thanks and I appreciate the ideas here re work.
Alundra828@reddit
Asking whether your stress is valid is irrelevant because stress is relative. If you feel you are overwhelmed, and stressed you are overwhelmed and stressed, it's as simple as that. You know what you're feeling.
That being said, the stuff you're talking about are all absolutely common sources of quite a lot of stress. So the question now becomes, how do you deal with it? You need to acknowledge what is making you stressed, and come up with plans THAT YOU MUST STICK TO in order to resolve them.
Stressful job, you need to find a way to compartmentalize your work. Detach from it a bit, and find ways to trivialize the emotions involved so you can handle it better. Taking on other people's vulnerable emotions is all well and good, but it's going to make you mentally ill.
Kids are always stressful, you need to find a way to "manage" their dynamics so that they are busy, and not offloading all of their pent up energy on you. There are people far more qualified than me that have their own ideas about this in parenting circles. Seek advice from people who have experience with this. They don't come to their conclusions for no reason.
As for the wife, this is always a hard one, but just try and find moments where you can be alone with her. It's fine that she's shouldering most of the parenting while you're working, but just make sure you're there for her, and let her be there for you. Otherwise you'll grow estranged, and while the effort to maintain this relationship may seem like a stressor at the start, I guarantee living in a broken relationship is more stressful.
I feel like you should take the same tact with your brother. Be there for him, and help him. It may seem more stressful at first, but I guarantee the alternative is way more stressful.
And for your dodgy back, invest in a pull up bar. Dead hang from it. Once you're comfortable, start doing pullups. I put it on the door to my bathroom, so every time I get up to go pee, I have to do pullups. It equates to quite a lot of pull ups per day, and my back has thanked me. And buy a small foam roller. And roll your back over it. Your back pain will subside surprisingly quickly I think you'll find if you stick with it.
Alive-Accountant1917@reddit
Also, on the back pain - stress can manifest itself physically, so is very likely to be exacerbating your back pain. Follow the advice above and try practicing mindfulness and gratitude, you may find you don’t need to go to the gym to resolve your pain.
Obviously going to the gym is better for your health, but you don’t need the added mental pressure of thinking you absolutely must go.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thanks good advice.
catjellycat@reddit
Yes, those are all very legitimate stresses.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ll talk about myself for a mo. My dad received a terminal diagnosis and I became the sole source of support for him and my mum (who didn’t cope well). I also had two primary children. I also worked full time. My children also have some health conditions which need managing. I often felt like i came bottom of everyone’s list including my own. I was STRESSED. But i kept saying “i have to keep going, there’s no alternative. Got to keep going”
And I did. I didn’t crash and burn, but towards the end (3 year in!!) when my dad got super poorly, I made some mistakes at work which luckily didn’t matter too much but were certainly signs I couldn’t have carried on much longer like it. I took 2 months off after my dad died and I slept like a log despite my loss.
This was a while ago. I find myself now a stressful-ish situation again. Once again, a family member is very sick and my mum isn’t coping well. This time, I’ve decided I need to look after myself a bit more. I actually said no to my mum. It took a lot for me to do it and I’m not sure it hasn’t caused me more grief. More to point, she recently asked me if I was there when an event happened with my dad. OF COURSE I WAS BASTARD THERE, I WAS THERE ALL THE TIME! She also tells me how hard it all was for my sibling who lives in another country. Yeah, I imagine they did find it hard (all the eyes rolls ever)
So I suppose what I’d say is that you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. But you can’t pour from an empty cup and appears no one really notices what you sacrifice for them.
If I could go back, I think I’d listen to all the people that told me to take some time off when I was struggling. I think 2-3 weeks could have really made a difference to or for me. Go for it, give yourself a little break. Better a choice than forced when you burnout.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thanks. I feel close to burnout. I have a few days off next week with family and I’m planning on turning my phone off.
Fine_Analyst_4408@reddit
Back off from things that won't have a negative effect on your children and wife. They should get priority and to do that, you also need to take care of yourself as a priority. Parent obligations aren't taking up your time to go to the gym, being the main support for two grown men is. If you reduced time with both, you would likely have time for the gym and to improve supporting your wife and kids.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
This is possibly the most sensible thing I’ve read. You’re absolutely right. My wife and kids are paramount. I’m gonna focus more on family and hitting the gym.
Recent-Foundation655@reddit
Exactly this. Your wife and kids should be the priority and you leaving the wife to do the bulk of the childcare will likely generate issues for you down the line in respect to your relationship with them all and for different reasons. Drop the other adults and focus on the people who need you most and who you also need most. Make sure you find the time to go to the gym but also make sure you spend quality time with your children and wife (separately and together). And most importantly, make sure the wife also has the chance to do something for herself - be it the gym too or some other form of leisure she enjoys. If that means stepping back from the two other men you’re supporting so be it. Do not neglect your own family as it is obviously not fair on them but can also backfire immensely in the future if resentment builds. Good luck.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Thank you.
MidasToad@reddit
Your stress is legitimate, and you are doing a legit de-stressing thing, venting away from the stressors. I hope putting it down in words and getting the affirmation of internet strangers helps a little in getting validation and reassurance.
MissSephy@reddit
Hi there,
I am a counsellor, and I have a couple of observations to make about what you've posted.
These are all legitimate stresses, and it's worth stepping back to recognise just how much you are carrying. Look at what you've written in your post. You have a high-stress job dealing with emotionally complex situations. For many people, that alone would be at the limit of their stress threshold. Add young kids (who don't tend to really grasp that you're already running low), a relationship you feel guilty about, and then two people outside your home for whom you are essentially the primary support.
That's an enormous amount of weight for one person.
The common thread running through all of it is that you are giving a lot of your time and energy to others and keeping very little for yourself. That's a genuinely noble thing, but it's also starting to sound self-destructive and, paradoxically, potentially detrimental to the very people you're trying to show up for, including your wife and kids. Something is going to give at some point, and it will most likely be your physical or mental wellbeing.
Your back is a good example of this. Reframe that gym time not as something you're squeezing in for yourself but as necessary maintenance. Without it, you're less able to do any of the other things.
The guilt you feel about your wife is worth an honest conversation rather than letting it quietly grow. Sit down together, have that conversation and figure out whether the guilt is actually warranted and what she genuinely needs from you right now. You might be surprised.
On your brother and your friend, it's worth thinking carefully about the nature of your involvement. There's a real difference between being there for someone and being responsible for them. Without knowing more, it's hard to say whether stepping back is the right move, but it's worth asking honestly: are you inadvertently enabling patterns that aren't sustainable?
Could your constant availability actually be creating a barrier to them seeking more structured support?
It might be time to consider what backing off, in some areas, could actually look like, and perhaps a start on that is having that conversation with your wife rather than going on hunches.
It's common in situations like this to feel you are abandoning people, but it's not; it's boundaries, and everyone needs a line. Try looking at it as a more honest and sustainable version of caring and support that doesn't require you to run yourself into the ground.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
These are really kind words I very much appreciate you taking the time to respond like this. It’s given me a lot to consider moving forward! Thank you.
MissSephy@reddit
I hope it all works out, but don't forget to look after yourself. The more you push aside your own needs, the more burnt out and stressed you will become and both body and mind can only take so much before they just clap out on you.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Well it’s clapped out on me. I’ve gone and slipped a disc in my back.
Impressionsoflakes@reddit
I have a very similar job at the moment and I am having to do epic amounts of work on boundaries and managing negative thoughts. However, some responses to stress are proportional and no amount of therapising will make things easier.
QuietBloke90@reddit
Mate that’s not a reality check you need, it’s permission to say you’re stretched thin. I’ve been the main earner with a wife studying and a kid and I spent years thinking everyone just deals with it. They don’t. The gym thing especially, you keep pushing it down the list but it’s the one thing that actually helps everything else. Even 20 minutes makes a difference.
dynasync@reddit
That sounds like a lot, honestly. It’s not just one stressor, it’s like 5-6 stacked on top of each other and none of them are small.
The bit that stands out is you being the support system for other people while also juggling work and family. That’s where burnout sneaks in fast. You can care about people without carrying all of them.
You probably don’t need a reality check, you need some breathing room. Even a tiny bit. Right now it sounds like you’ve got zero.
fenian_ghirl@reddit
Im pretty sure we are living the same life 😂😂 band 7, i work 55 hours per week, 2 funny young teens and lovely husband. 2 dogs, walk the dogs every day, try and exercise. Started a diet, lasted 10 minutes, running one fumes!
Obvious-Water569@reddit
Your feelings are 100% valid. You have an emotionally taxing job plus children plus a complicated family dynamic. I'd be concerned if you didn't feel stressed.
By the sounds of things, you simply need a third place. A hobby that you can spend some time (even a couple of hours a week) to yourself.
Fairwolf@reddit
A situation doesn't have to be crippling to be stressful.
Your body treats the stress of having an argument with someone the same as running from a tiger, they both activate your fight or flight system.
I'm very much speaking from experience here when I say you absolutely -need- to make sure you're taking time to manage your stress and get proper rest or it will fuck you up majorly.
I ignored my chronic stress for too long and it eventually caused me to have a bit of a breakdown and develop a really severe panic disorder which I'm still grappling with to this day. My stressors weren't even that bad, I was just putting too much pressure on myself and not taking the proper time to relax and destress.
Our bodies are designed to activate our stress response in short bursts, and it can even be beneficial to do so; however if you're constantly having it activated it's extremely bad for your health.
MsB0x@reddit
No you are giving a lot to a lot of people and despite having an amazing wife, aren’t getting enough back. She can’t do all of the support alone (and it seems you acknowledge that I’m not suggesting you expect her to).
Do you have friends you can turn to for support? Even just a supportive group chat or a call or quick drink once a month can REALLY help.
I agree with other commenters that introducing something to help you regulate would be a good idea - even a walk or a chapter of a book each day l. Something to calm you down and something to look forward to that makes no demands of you could really make a difference.
Pyrex_Living@reddit
Others have said it but find some time in the day for yourself. Even if it’s 10 minutes.
What I find useful -
In the morning - sit outside (easier now it’s lighter and getting warmer) with a tea/coffee. No phones etc. Savour each sip, get some sunlight.
In the evening- I like to sauna, again no external distractions and brings awareness to your body- your breathing, sensation of sweating etc. great way to wind down, and guaranteed great night of sleep
Good luck
cbawiththismalarky@reddit
Yeah I've just spent the weekend with my best mate, his dad is at the end of his life, his relationship is ending and he's come clean to his mother about his drug addiction, on the way home it took me a few minutes to realise that I also need some care, and that it was going to have to be down to me to sort that out, I think you're in a similar position, like the air mask thing you can't be there for others if you don't put your mask on first!
LegitimatePieMonster@reddit
You're not struggling to fit in gym around your parenting obligations, you're struggling to fit the gym in around all the other obligations, including your brother and friend.
You acknowledge that you're not pulling your weight around the home and that your wife is taking the brunt of the work, yet still you prioritise being the main man for a divorcing friend over keeping your health and own marriage on track.
Trust me, your wife will be noticing this. She will be noticing that she's picking up the slack so you can play good guy to your brother and friend. To her detriment.
Sorry for the bluntness, but I think this needs spelling out.
eaunoway@reddit
You need some time with yourself, just you, doing nothing at all but being there with yourself. Drive somewhere and just sit in the car and do nothing but breathe.
Even 10 minutes a day will help.
You're stressed. Be kind to yourself. And make sure your wife has the opportunity, too.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Really appreciate you taking the time out to say this.
The only time I have to myself is on the toilet. My wife probably think I have bowel problems. I wish. I’m just trying to chill.
eaunoway@reddit
Oh my darling one, I've raised children and grandchildren with the knowledge that they all deserve time by themselves whenever they need it. Your internet Grandma is here acknowledging you and your needs. Know that 💖
CrimpsShootsandRuns@reddit
He's right. I have nowhere near the level of stress as you - just the general exhaustion if young kids - but getting those slivers of time to myself is so helpful. For me it's the gym, but you said that's not a time commitment you can make. I'd suggest trying to get up slightly earlier than the kids so you can just have a coffee (or not) and just wake up in silence. Or take walks with no distractions.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Good shout. I’m not a morning guy at all. I’m terrible and can’t get up, evenings are my gym time. I usually go to the gym about 9pm when I’ve got the energy.
Appreciate the suggestions!
CrimpsShootsandRuns@reddit
Oh, and I forgot the most important thing. Don't think of it as you being selfish. Think of it as taking the time you need to be a better husband and father for the time you're there.
Les-tah-farian@reddit
Take half an hour after the gym in the car just chilling. Watch a show or listen to a podcast. That's you time you can just extend so you don't feel as guilty
_poptart@reddit
My partner spends a lot of time on the toilet too - I know he’s avoiding life/us/children/things/stress/stuff/us/himself -
Please talk to your wife, please don’t hide on the toilet (she knows)
BanditIsMyDad@reddit
Sorry to jump in here but please don’t wish to have bowel problems. I once wished to have bowel problems so I’d lose weight and 12 years later I almost died from my bowel blowing up in multiple places and I’m fed via a tube. I hate to be a downer but I truly believe you can speak these things into existence and you really don’t want bowel problems lol.
I really do hope you find some time to yourself to just be though, mindfulness is so helpful for this too if you ever want to look into it while you’re sat on the loo!
MonsieurGump@reddit
Breakfast.
Have ten minutes for breakfast every morning. No phone, no nothing. Then no matter what happens for the rest of the day you’ve had your bit of time.
skydaddy79@reddit
I completely understand. The bathroom is my sanctuary.
Paradroid808@reddit
Sounds perfectly reasonable that you're getting stressed; it's a lot.
If you're working full time, your wife absolutely should be doing the lion's share of child care, cooking, house cleaning etc and before anyone calls me sexist, I would be saying exactly the same if it was the male at home and the woman out working. It's just fair division of labour. By the way, I'm not saying she isn't doing her share, just saying you shouldn't feel guilty if she's doing more in that area.
This sounds particularly tough. Be careful you don't burn yourself out mentally and financially with your brother. Of course support him as best you can but your first priority needs to be to your children. The old saying is 'don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.'
Maybe you need to reconsider your boundaries a little. Who will be there for you and your family if you burn out, maybe those back problems worsen and you lose your job, perhaps from stress related issues?
I say this as someone who has often tried to step in to help others out; it can get draining. I don't help expecting something in return but I've realised recently that for a lot of people this seems to create expectation and they become very bold asking for more, more, more. If someone says you're a saint for giving them money, rest assured they'll think you a demon when at some future time the answer is a polite no.
Look after yourself my friend.
invisibleredditor2@reddit
Completely legit - a lot of people have these same stresses, and they're all completely valid.
You're responsible for your children's wellbeing, understanding of the world, and the money they need to survive through your job. You're responsible for your contribution to your relationship. You're supporting people beyond your immediately family. That's before we even account for being responsible for your own health and wellbeing, which is so hard in this day and age, but with a bad back to boot!
My suggestion would be trying to block out a set time each week to couple some of these things together, and try to stick to it like a routine. For example, perhaps you can encourage the kids to come out and play tennis or go on a bike ride with you to bond with them, do some exercise, and give your partner some alone time. Your friend may also want to join the gym with you, as sort of activities that allow a bit of mental relief from things like stresses of the divorce and your job.
I'd also say speak to your wife and see if there's particular areas she'd like more support in, and also tell her how you're feeling and see if there's mutual ways you can support eachother.
Definitely do reach out to other friends to see if anyone else can be a further shoulder to rely on for your friend dealing with a divorce, and see if some resources or other family can also help support with your brother. I think your wife and children, and your health and mental wellbeing are priorities, as these are adults who are responsible for themselves!
ghosthud1@reddit
Stress is subjective in a lot of ways.
To me, it sounds like you don’t have an escape. You are compounded within a tight space, with hardly any space for yourself.
We have to do selfish things for ourselves from time to time to release stress.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Nobody. My routine is me. Dad, husband, supportive colleague, brother, mate.. too busy to be me.
ghosthud1@reddit
Everyone needs a Thanos garden 👍 I bounce between man cave, gym, kickboxing, spliff walking the dog 🤷♂️ that sort of thing.
Old_Bean_72@reddit
Hard agree with ghosthud here. I also have a job with much responsibility, Mrs, 4 kids (although mine don’t live with me), 2 dogs. We split the chores 50 / 50 (and are both flexible with the split, depending on how the other is coping with life) One thing I don’t notice is you having time for a hobby. You need something, even if only a few hours a week for you. My Mrs insists I go and jump in my sim rig for an hour, or have a solitary pipe and chill before we watch a film, and I make sure she has time for her hobby. Make a little time - for you and the wife. Also. Sounds like you’re doing great 👍🏻
Fred_Derf_Jnr@reddit
My suggestion is that you and your friend who is going through a divorce join a group like Andy’s Man Club, which will give you both support and some time to reflect and mentally relax in a safe place
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Fred I really appreciate your reply here. These groups sound really good, and a good opportunity for guys to chat. I’d not heard of it until recently and you spreading the word is fantastic. Thank you. 🙏
No_Awareness_2684@reddit
Leave a letter saying gone to buy milk but I’ll be back
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
Which city?
No_Awareness_2684@reddit
New york
Margaet_moon@reddit
You need some serious “disconnect” time with you and yourself only. This kinda stress load can and will kill you long term if you don’t turn off ever. I would cut back from some things a bit.
CellistNarrow5069@reddit
This is literally a fucking adult life: mortgage, ill relatives, the job you hate, lack of sleep, stress
avalanchefan95@reddit
What a nice empathetic reply here. Good on ya.
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
It’s stressful! 😅
crgoodw@reddit
My best analogy is ball juggling. Some are rubber and some are glass. You need to identify which ones you cannot let shatter and which ones will bounce.
smallflabby@reddit
April is actually stress awareness month too
PuzzleheadedCarob921@reddit (OP)
I thought that was Jan, March, April, I’m too stressed to have notched February.
HawkwardGames@reddit
You’re not overreacting at all, that is a heavy load. It’s not just work stress, it’s work plus kids plus guilt plus being the support system for other people plus your own health being shoved to the bottom of the list. Most people would be struggling with that. You probably do not need a reality check so much as a bit less on your plate. The main thing I’d look at is where you can stop being everyone’s fixer. Your wife is your priority, your kids are your priority, and your own health has to be up there too. Some of the rest needs boundaries before you burn out completely.
AutoModerator@reddit
Please help keep AskUK welcoming!
When replying to submission/post please make genuine efforts to answer the question given. Please no jokes, judgements, etc. If a post is marked 'Serious Answers Only' you may receive a ban for violating this rule.
Don't be a dick to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
This is a strictly no-politics subreddit!
Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.