TD;DR: Incels need to touch grass

Because therapy is only part of a healthy mental equilibrium. Beyond meds and shrinks, a health lifestyle involves physical exercise (and that doesn’t just mean going full gym-bro and ending up with and entirely different form of insecurity and depression, just doing an activity that elevates your heart rate and triggers endorphin release, even if it is only on a weekly basis), a solid diet and sleep cycle (it doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should at least be as consistent as possible to ensure you’re actually getting the full benefits of both) and most importantly, a small but steady social circle of people close to you that you can rely on. All of these factors can help build the foundations of a persons ability to interact and thrive in a larger social context (whether it be simple day-to-day conversations or a larger gathering).

The problem for a lot of incels is that they are mentally-ill, terminally online weirdo’s trapped in echo chambers with other terminally online freaks. And that’s not to say there’s anything wrong with being ‘weird’ or not really fitting, but if that’s the case and yours struggling to connect with people (for any number of reasons), then the answer is not to spend all your free time with other miserable, angry, disenfranchised loners projecting your failings and problems back to you but to get out into the real world (or barring that, looking for more positive digital spaces) and finding a way to positively and more importantly, authentically engage in shared hobbies or interests with other people, from all walks of life, of all ages, sexes, colours and creeds. It doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect the first time or not absolutely everything you imagined. It’s a big fucking world, eventually you’ll find your people and that makes the difference. And if you have a mentality that said world has insanely high expectations for you or men in general, then why cave or submit these unrealistic expectations simply to feel shitty you’ll never reach them.

A lot of it is, unironically, all either made-up or in your own fucking head. And that’s why therapy alone doesn’t work on incels. Because they don’t really want help, so to speak. They, like many an immature, mentally disturbed person, only want to be helped THEIR way, under THEIR conditions, and that any other kind of assistance is either unwanted or unfair. Because again, they are depressed man children. All of which leads to nothing really getting done, because the particular incel in question will go to such lengths NOT to fulfil their own impossibly high standards and unrealistic self-imposed agenda, just so they can eventually throw up their hands and say: “See, I am right, everything is hopeless and there’s no point to any of this, may as well give up!”

The reason that none of the fairly simple, easily achievable solutions seem possible, or reasonable is because they require a level of personal effort, self-discipline and self-awareness that somebody carrying the black dog or such may not be able to comprehend themselves (or believe themselves capable of bearing alone). Hence the need for the smaller community mentioned earlier to help share those loads and act as emotional safe harbours to stop and look for support in.

Therapy is a tool for wellness. It can help you find, explain and understand these issues along with helping create structures and systems to manage and achieve results. But at the end of the day, unless the person attending is not only willing to open up, but to learn, think about and take onboard the advice and any personal revelations they may have, then it won’t do anything. Unless you make an active effort not to have a closed mindset, to be curious, to try new things and experiences, to not make premature judgments or assumptions based off your own fears and anxiety’s, to not defeat yourself before even starting, then no amount of time spent on a couch whinging about how fucked up the is universe will fix anything. There’s a saying about horses and water but I digress, because this is Reddit and neither you or I really give enough of a fuck to keep going.

But on a last note, to anyone that may have got this far. If you need help, reach out to someone, anyone. Try and make a few positive changes in your life. They don’t have to be big, just things you can personally feel good about, that offer a sense of pride and self achievement. And most importantly, keep going. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be tiring. It’s going to be emotionally exhausting, and occasionally leave you bawling in a way you haven’t done since you were a kid. And that’s ok. Cause at the end of the day, as along as you keep going, as long as you reach the top of the mountain, then you’ll feel better then you would have if you quit. And if you get to the top, and see even more mountains, that’s ok too. Because you’ve already climbed one. You know the risks, you know the safe paths, you know who can help you, and how. You know the tools and skills you’ll need, and from the top the mountain you just climbed, you’ll have a much better view to access and breakdown the stages before you start. And therefore, when you’re ready, you can start the next climb, knowing that each time it’ll get a bit easier, that your now stronger and more experienced then you were, and that the obstacles that once stopped you in your tracks now barely phase you.

Goodnight everyone, I hope this fever-induced rant answers a few questions and offers a few solutions to any that may need them. Cheers, and keep you chin up