Do former farmers feel anxious about not having things to do?
Posted by Atlas7993@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 68 comments
Calling all Former Farmers of America!
My husband was raised on a farm, and even on days off or vacations that are intended to be for relaxation, he always has to something to do. He describes sitting without anything to do or some task as a sort of existential dread. Often times he'll come up with tasks or chores on weekends and expect me to go along, but (not being a former farmer) when I say I don't want to do that, I'm going to relax today he is shocked.
We were talking about this today and we wondered if any other former farmers, children of farmers, have/do feel this way.
baconator_out@reddit
Man, FFA has really gone downhill... š
Atlas7993@reddit (OP)
I'm glad someone got the pun š
SeethingHeathen@reddit
What pun?
Individual_Corgi_576@reddit
FFA is a youth organization that stands for Future Farmers of America.
SeethingHeathen@reddit
Yes, I am aware.
Still not sure what pun you think you made.
Mrlin705@reddit
She said Former not Future.
jackfaire@reddit
Which is what makes it a pun.
Aerial_Animal@reddit
"Calling all Former Farmers of America!"
bloobityblu@reddit
I got it too lol!
I was very briefly in FFA in my rural high school. I had zero interest or connection to anything to do with farming, I only went as a protest against being forced into "home studies" i.e. Betty Crocker Class lol.
LetterheadClassic306@reddit
i feel your husband on this. growing up on a farm programs you to always find the next thing that needs doing. sitting still feels wrong. what helped me was finding hobbies that scratch that same itch but in smaller chunks. a wood carving kit gives you something productive to do with your hands. or a small garden tool set for maintaining a little backyard patch. gives that task completion feeling without turning every weekend into a work day.
uhbkodazbg@reddit
My dad had this happen to him. He wasnāt going to live very long if he kept it up. He did a little work for a seed company and also delivered parts for a couple farm implement dealers. It wasnāt about the money and heād have paid them to do the work but it was great for him.
hiddentalent@reddit
My Dad was a farmer, and his favorite days were when he had nothing to do and could sit and watch a sports game, because he worked so hard the other days.
My father-in-law is an accountant and can never be idle. I don't think it's strongly related to profession, I think people are just different.
Belle_TainSummer@reddit
Being a farmer is a lot like being in the marines. There are no former marines, they are always marines.
A "former" farmer is just a farmer without a focus.
Brennisth@reddit
And then there's my dad, who was raised a farmer and became a marine and is in his 80s and still has task lists for every day, involving climbing roofs and getting under sinks to fix plumbing.
Atlas7993@reddit (OP)
I know Marines and had a similar thought, just didn't know if it was appropriate to compare the two.Ā
GeneralBlumpkin@reddit
I cringe at once a marine always a marine.
Technical-Tear5841@reddit
No, after 25 years we lost our farm and I had to work three jobs to support my family and pay back taxes owed. After 13 years my health failed and I was unable to do anything for two years. I got very good at doing nothing. Now 73 I try to garden some and do home repairs but no urge to do much.
geekycurvyanddorky@reddit
I grew up farming, most of my relatives farmed or are still farming, and I seasonally help out as a farm hand. Not being in a farming household/farming full time is a huge relief for me. Rest is extremely important, and it helps with the burnout and pressure that comes with farming life.
On a potentially related note, most of the women I know that came from abusive households where they couldnāt relax have a seriously difficult time finding even five minutes to breathe, until they go through therapy. Hopefully your husband didnāt have that kind of thing going on at home, but itās worth exploring since rest brings him existential dreadā¦
Atlas7993@reddit (OP)
We have a marriage councilor (not having issues, just decided to get one arpund the time we got married to prevent issues) and it's been an ongoing recovery š
geekycurvyanddorky@reddit
Thatās good! It might be good for him to have therapy specific to this issue too though. I hope he can feel safe with resting soon!
Covidlight@reddit
Current farmer here. I feel the same way always. My grandpa is 80 and still finds something to do around the farm every day.
Kaurifish@reddit
Moved from two acres to 1/16 acre and there are still always plants to prune, weeds to pull, irrigation to fix, etc.
Drawn-Otterix@reddit
It's really hard going from doing a lot of physical labor to doing next to nothing. It's what I imagine a wild animal feels when stuck in an enclosure....
He should try volunteering for local groups that do house buildings or gleaning, park clean ups etc.... help out that need to be busy.
MaybeNotTheCIA@reddit
I am a farmer and I can relate to this. People wonder why farmers keep going even when farming isnāt profitable, I think itās because we canāt fathom not farming.
mst3k_42@reddit
Completely different scenario but similar mindsetā¦once I finally finished my PhD, I could not relax. I was used to having a critical to-do list every single day. Waking up and not having the list made me panic because I thought I had to be slacking off and screwing up. I got so anxious about my free time, lol. I was even looking into getting a Masters in something else just so Iād have that structure back. Iād gone from high school, to my BA, to my MA, straight into my PhD. I had to de-program my brain.
Now Iām lazy as fuck.
Joel_feila@reddit
Its not just farmers. It more of a personality trait that just happens.Ā My uncle is like and he didn't grow on a farm.Ā But he always has something todo something that he working on.Ā Football is really is only still time
momamdhops@reddit
Both my in-laws, who I love, were not raised as farmers, but they both are like this. They never sit down, they always are working on something. They are both are in their 70ās, but youād think they were 20 years younger.
As soon as they do sit down, at least one of them will fall a sleep within 5 mins.
Atlas7993@reddit (OP)
I'm the same way, tho, and I'm only in my 30's š
riarws@reddit
My grandmother was like that before she started taking SSRIs.
Bluemonogi@reddit
My dad had a farm for awhile as a young man and had a hard time not doing anything later. I donāt think it had to do with farming as he only did that a few years. I think it was more his personality. During his adult life (not farming) he had multiple jobs or was a Scout leader or did projects on the weekend. He did not go on vacations when he had time off of work.
Classic-Push1323@reddit
My grandfather rode his tractor literally until the day he died. My dad is retired and created a garden the size of a small farm and becomes an antsy mess when he has to rest. Iām the first generation that did not grow up on a farm and I enjoy relaxing. š
sean8877@reddit
I am the opposite of your husband, I love having nothing to do. But I was raised in the suburbs so that might explain it.
EastAd7676@reddit
Being a now disabled, nearly 60 year old child of a former farmer, I still feel guilty if I sleep past sunrise and donāt have something to keep me busy all day. I chose healthcare as my career, but helped my dad during planting and harvesting seasons when he still actively farmed.
urquhartloch@reddit
Yes. This describes my dad to a T. He gets miserable if there is nothing to do.
L1zardPr1ncess@reddit
Growing up on a farm the Protestant work ethic was really drilled into me, which is ironic because I grew up Catholic. Nevertheless thatās just part of the lifestyle. We kids worked 40 hr weeks in the summer as soon as we could physically do so. There was very little time for rest and we didnāt really have much choice about our extracurricular activities, they had to involve a certain amount of work. When I finished school I left for good lmao. I revel in my laziness these days.
When my dad isnāt actively doing something, he naps. Heās genuinely bad at conscious relaxation. All of his leisure activities require a lot of labor to upkeep. Heās supposed to be retired but he still shows up to the farm every morning and took on even more work besides. Heās just doing what his dad did before him.
Norseman103@reddit
Most of the farmers I know keep going until they physically canāt. My uncle farmed until the day he died at 76. As they say, if you love what you do, youāll never work a day in your life. I think every farmer I know loves farming.
ITrCool@reddit
My grandfather (mom's side) was like this. He was an electrical engineer (worked for the local co-op) by trade but ran a small farm on their family land on the side. Had a few head of cattle, chickens, and a decent vegetable/fruit garden he and grandma tended to for the 65 years they were married. (they grew all kinds of good crops!!)
Even after he retired from his electrician work, he still kept after the farming/gardening, until he just physically couldn't handle working with the cattle anymore and sold them off, then sold part of his land for a hefty profit (he had like 65 acres, all prime development space for the city nearby that was growing rapidly), and kept his garden going until he just didn't have the strength for that anymore either, as he got up into his late-80s/early-90s. He had to ask my aunt, who live nearby, to come out and help him with that stuff (grandma had died by then). He wouldn't just have her do everything but he definitely needed help.
COVID eventually took him at 94, but he was a go-getter until the very end.
Polite_Bark@reddit
My grandparents weren't farmers. They lived in a suburb and grandpa worked for the municipality. They did own a farm with their siblings, though. Mostly livestock. Each sibling's family took turns staying at the farm to car for the land and animals throughout my father's childhood and adolescence.
Father worked 12-16 hour days in construction during the spring, summer, and fall. He would make sure to be busy doing some social thing on his rare days off. He'd set up and host a BBQ. Cook for a day and take everyone to the beach the next day. Decide to re-do the yard.
In the winter when he wasn't working he was doing things like painting the house.
Dude did not sit still until he was forced to by a catastrophic accident that caused permanent spinal damage. And, even then, he kept doing things he wasn't technically supposed to do!
bass679@reddit
My grandpa worked very hard to make sure the rest of us didn't have to be farmers. We never had a large farm, just a few cattle and produce for ourselves but last year we slaughtered our last cow.
We had only kept them this long because he structured his entire day Aron taking care kd the cows. He doesn't know waht to do with himself without work. Like, I've never sat down with him to chat. Talking was something you did over work or a meal.
He took it really hard but basically everyone else was becoming a part time farmer so he could keep 2 steers.
Wunktacular@reddit
Anyone with that mentality, right now, can make a killing as a roofer in the US.
It will take time to get the experience required, and a bit of savings to start your own truck and crew up, but the amount of money you can make in a day is limited by your advertising and how hard you're willing to hustle.
A 3 man crew my buddy runs in VA can do 4-6 suburban roofs a day netting around $2,000 per roof out of two trucks.
DarthBrooks69420@reddit
My pawpaw did it until he got too old, then my dad did it until his health started failing him.
My pawpaw would read the paper front to back and start knocking back Milwaukee's Bests back around 9-10am, get about 3 deep, nap for an hour or two, wake up and knock a few more back, drive down to water the cows, nap some while filling up the troughs. Then go back to the farmhouse for lunch, nap again, go do a round of the property, have dinner, then eventually go to sleep around 10pm.
My dad is kinda the same way. He never really worried about keeping busy, considering him and my pawpaw were constantly butting heads over my dad's compensation for putting in 14-16 hours a day during the planting and harvest seasons, not counting transporting livestock throughout the year. So my dad has always had a 'do the work you need to do, but make sure you're appreciated for what you do' ethic.
Dalionking225@reddit
Needs a hobby. Problem with that generation was they were never taught to enjoy themselves, only work work work
sensiblefreespirit@reddit
I have a lot of farmers in my family. They like to keep busy.
Dave_A480@reddit
Not limited to farmers.... Some folks just like having something to do....
I like spending my weekends working on mechanical stuff... I don't try to get my wife to join me in that, though.....
Perhaps he needs a car or boat to restore......
Self-Comprehensive@reddit
In my family you don't retire from farming until you just can't physically do it anymore. My dad is 84 years old and he still drives the tractor more than I do, and runs the finances. I do the more physical labor but he's still out there doing stuff with me.
Ogrimarcus@reddit
It depends on the person, I come from a farming family but I'm not a farmer and never have been and I can't stand idling. I think it's more the Protestantism than the farming culture though. Being lazy is a top sin to Protestants, that and lying. To this day I have a hard time relaxing because I always feel like I need to be doing something that I can justify as "productive".
Character_School_671@reddit
I'm a current farmer, and it's hard to turn the brain off when it's in the mode of working, identifying problems, and fixing them, in a continuous cycle.
The mindset that is necessary for to be successful in this job Is one of constantly noticing small details and acting on them.
That's really hard to put down.
My plan at this point is to retire into a role like a facilities manager so I can keep the brain happy observing things, but have other people to fix them for me š
CaryWhit@reddit
I am 60ish and didnāt get that bug. My neighbors are 70ish and they work for āfunā . If they see grandkids enjoying their weekend, they kind of quiet sneer.
BTW, I also didnāt get the old man yard work love gene either. Iāll bushhog the damn thing once a month if I am not feeling it.
RisingApe-@reddit
My grandfather was a farmer. When it wasnāt farming season, he did woodworking. He made absolutely beautiful things. That man didnāt sit down until cancer made him.
Traditional-Photo227@reddit
Uh, some people just always gotta be doing something. My mom is this way. If she's not cooking food for all of our sick/recovering/cancer/elderly friends, then she's cooking for our other elderly friends who aren't able to do as much or working in her garden. And that's when she's home from work. She doesn't like to sit still. Dad and I are not like this. We can chill and relax just fine.
MidwestDYIer@reddit
I think it's also fairly common for a lot of people to get more like this as they age, too. There are some in my family that farm, I don't have anywhere near that kind of work ethic. But in my 20s or 30s, I would have zero problem wasting an entire day or weekend computer gaming, watching movies, etc and something changed in my 40s where I just can't really do that anymore. I need something vaguely constructive to do for a least part of the day, even if it really isn't something all the critical or important.
Head_Razzmatazz7174@reddit
My bf is the same way. He rarely relaxes, always has to be doing something. He's a programmer and WFH where he can be away from his computer for long times. So he has his headset so he can hear the beep when a repair ticket drops into his queue, and is usually outside working on some home improvement project.
Drives the rest of us crazy, because he expects us to be doing the same.
Squirrel_Doc@reddit
My grandma grew up on a farm. Then she later moved to a city and became a business owner + a single mom of 5. So all her life she was pretty much constantly busy.
I think a lot of that rubbed off on my mom. Theyāre both also OCD I think (mom is confirmed, grandma suspected), so that probably doesnāt help either.
My mom literally CANNOT sit still. We will come over for a chat, and mid conversation sheāll start mopping the already pristine floors. During board games when itās not her turn, she gets up and starts dusting, doing laundry, sweeping, etc. Sometimes she goes upstairs to tidy rooms and I have to shout up to her that itās her turn. For this reason, we stopped playing board games with her lol.
overeducatedhick@reddit
I feel lazy when I am not making progress on something, but I don't take time to watch games on TV. I just can't do nothing for too long. I'm also self-employed in town, so I still have unlimited work to complete which helps combat what OP's husband struggles with.
tynmi39@reddit
Have him play Farming Simulator 25
Sam_Fear@reddit
Hm. I'm like that. Grew up on a farm in Illinois.
I found a way to trick myself though, in the winter at least. I generally have a puzzle out. That way I can sit and puzzle while I drink my coffee on a weekend morning and still feel like I'm doing something.
bipolarlibra314@reddit
Something like your puzzle or a crossword book etc might be a good āfixā for OPās husband!
nomadschomad@reddit
Not even just farmers. This is a broadly shared millennial trait.
I feel anxious sitting on the couch to enjoy a show if there is anything in my house or life that needs to get done. Feels like Iām not allowed to take a break until everything is done.
Everything is never done
SpunkySideKick@reddit
I feel like your husband and I could be twins. I haven't lived on the family farm since I was a preteen and even now (25 years later) I feel the anxiety of doing /nothing/ as a crushing weight of "this is gonna bite me on the butt later".
I hate vacations thats more than a long weekend.
Imaginary_Ladder_917@reddit
My husband was raised on a farm and farmed himself for awhile. He can relax. However, when heās in the mood to do outdoor chores, itās hard to get him to stop even to eat. We still live in the country and technically are on a farm although he doesnāt actively do the farm work, but there is a lot of grass to mow and waterways to mow and he seriously does not stop
vpatrick@reddit
Ok, Im from suburban NY so I know nothing about farms. Was he a child during the times of "having nothing to do" I cant imagine there was NOTHING to do on a farm that I would think has enough things to be cleaned, fixed, arranged etc even things concerning vehicles and moving equipment. I worked at a deli and if there were no costumers we still had absolutely PLENTY to do. Someone enlighten me lol
Belle_TainSummer@reddit
Even if they run out of farm related chores, there are always still honeydew chores to be done. That's when the farmer's partner says "honey, do this for me..."
MostlyBrine@reddit
I was raised in a rural community in Europe. Even if people had regular jobs, it was always something to do around the house. Not specific to farmers. It is mostly the meaning of the American saying of āidle handsā. If you want to do something to improve your life, there is always work to be done. If you donāt want to work, itās fine. You pay later somebody else to do it for you.
Sparkle_Rott@reddit
To the day my father died, all he could think about was getting back to farming.
Konradleijon@reddit
What do you mean there is always something to do
mtcwby@reddit
My grandfather and several uncles were all farmers. It's an attitude about activity really. And even at age 87 Mom has the same constant action mindset and it rubbed off on me.
I simply don't feel content unless I'm accomplishing something every day. The only way I can turn it off is to go on vacation so it's not possible. Have to admit I do think about what I'm going to get done when I get back though.
skullitor13@reddit
Yea being a farmer is a 7 day a week job especially if you have livestock. So I bet after doing that for 40 years you get used to doing stuff everyday rain or shine, even if you are sick or not. I'm guessing that is hard to turn off in retirement.
ALoungerAtTheClubs@reddit
My in-laws were raised on Iowa farms, and I think they're a bit like that.