Does moving between countries mess with your sense of “home” long-term?
Posted by WrittenByEff@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 59 comments
I’ve been thinking a lot about how moving between countries changes your sense of home.
At first it feels temporary. Like you’ll eventually go back, or settle somewhere properly.
But over time that clarity kind of fades.
You build a life in one place, but part of you is still tied somewhere else. And when you go “back,” it doesn’t fully feel like home either.
I turned 25 last year and went through a bit of a quarter-life crisis, and this feeling hit me hard.
For a long time, I thought the country I was raised in was my “real” home, especially since I didn’t feel fully connected to where I was born. I used to really want to go back.
But then at 25, it kind of flipped. I started feeling disconnected from everywhere at once. Not fully tied to where I was born, not fully connected to where my family built their life, and not even fully rooted in the place I had thought of as home.
It was honestly a pretty heavy feeling. Like home was either split across places or just… not fully there anywhere.
I still feel it sometimes.
I’m curious if this is something other people experience too, especially if you’ve moved countries or grown up between places.
Does home feel clear to you, or has it become something more fluid over time?
Lopsided-Fan-6777@reddit
Yeah it does 100% no way around it. I spent a huge chunk of my life in different countries and cultures and adapted to them, and yeah.. reverse culture shock is very real. So is the pain of longing for a place you didn't think was home till you left.
It's weird and will be different for anyone. I dont think it's a good reason to not do something though
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
Omg, I absolutely relate to the feeling of longing for a place you didn’t think was home until you left. I had a horrible time growing up in Hong Kong and was always begging my parents to move back to Canada. Now I’m here, and I miss Hong Kong.
I’m Brown, so there was quite a bit of racism there, which really shaped how I saw it as a child. But things feel different looking back as an adult, especially now that I understand it as the place my grandparents settled in for decades after leaving Pakistan. It’s part of our lineage, our diasporic history.
It’s honestly such a mind-boggling experience to feel your understanding of “home” shift so much over time.
Holiday_Fruit4434@reddit
for me, born in uk raised in nz, uk has always been home but at the same time home is wherever my parents are, just that feeling of being with them is so special, i wish they’d move back to uk :(
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
My dad has lived away my whole life, and it has left a devastating impact on our whole family. I really get this. I wish your parents would move back too. It is so lonely without parents.
Holiday_Fruit4434@reddit
it’s so weird, lived in nz more than uk but uk has always felt like home, i find the people better (i live in the north) and i’m happier than ever but just wish my parents were around, especially when i’m looking to buy a house etc, just miss them being around for milestones, what about yourself?
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
I’ve been lucky to grow up with my mom and brothers around, but my dad has been apart from our lives for about 10-12 years now. I think he might be returning soon, though I’m not entirely sure. It’s been really heavy to process, especially not knowing how much time we’ll have together.
He worked abroad for most of my childhood, and especially during my little twin brothers’ early years.
If this resonates at all, I write about diaspora, home, movement, and the weight of being the eldest sibling. It’s a free newsletter, and you can find it on my profile.
YunnanCafe@reddit
Yes, it does, but it depends what is your original home, which places you travel, etc. In my case it was that in many places I liked some particular feature, like, I don't know, weather and ocean in San Diego, and I had several places on my list which had some element I liked. But once you travel more, you will find some places at some point that check all the boxes and then it's hard to go back.
Lynz486@reddit
My home was stolen and I had mourned its loss before I even left. I think that's why I feel less of a pull. Also seeing how hateful and trashy so many are in my former country among so much other hell REALLY confirms it isn't home. I'm already feeling comfortable in Spain and it's just short of a year. I get constant confirmations I chose welI. I don't even want to go back to visit, I will bring all my family to me. Or we can meet in Puerto Rico or something...
thin_wild_duke@reddit
I've been living in Vancouver, Canada for 25 years now, leaving the UK when I was 30.
I had a sudden stab of homesickness for where I grew up when I realized that when my elderly parents pass, that I'll have no connection there and nowhere to stay.
But my life is here now.
I'll admit for a time I felt that I'd never be truly Canadian, but neither would I fit in back in the UK, but I don't have to completely fit in here. Who am I trying to impress?
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
My worst nightmare is my parents passing. I'm in Canada myself but they're my only family here, next to my siblings. Life is lonely without extended family in a country that is freezing 8 months of the year.
Also, I will say that you're as Canadian as anyone else. The Canadian identity is that of an immigrants to me.
thin_wild_duke@reddit
It's my waking nightmare: My parents will pass, and I'll have to fly in, and have maybe two weeks to sort out their finances and belongings. All the time staying in their house, expecting one of them to walk into the room at any time.
Sorry to be so grim.
It's a stage of life, and I'm going to have to man up.
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
Don't be! I had the worst time of my life last year that led me to realize who truly sticks by during dark times. It was only my direct family. I was crushed for months because I know my parents will pass in this coming decade or two. Gen-X had kids later, so a lot of Gen-Z will be younger as their parents pass. I can really empathize because I doubt it is easy at any age. I hope it goes better than in our minds.
Powerful_Run6651@reddit
Yes, but was already a nomad beforehand so it just added to the rootless sense of living. I'll be honest- migration is more natural than staying put. Humans were always migrating before modern times created the stability narrative in order to lock in 30 year mortgages and longterm labor reliance.
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
But wouldn't you say we were migrating within much shorter distances? I doubt we were moving countries for most of history. Am I wrong in saying that's a new concept? (Genuinely asking)
Working-Honeydew-877@reddit
Maybe a different perspective, but as a white South African growing up in a country where you are fundamentally being reminded that you’re not from here, can be alienating. When I was young, I thought that the more I integrate, the easier it will be. I was the one trying to bring different people together. The one person in a small town who was publicly friends with other people, which alienated me from my own people (haha). I went to the Congo for work when I was 25 and have since also lived in India and Botswana, when I left India, I was crying my eyes out in the check-in line at the airport. and six months later my heart is still broken. I felt more accepted there than my own home country. It really shook me. And now I’m sitting here and not sure what to do. I feel alienated from my own home. Very few people understand this feeling, so I don’t have any advice but I can relate in a way! Don’t know if anyone else has experienced this.
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
I can absolutely understand this feeling, maybe not all of it but the bulk of it for sure. My family is Brown and from Hong Kong, which is quite a racist place but it is our home. We have always felt othered in the city, even if we love it. It is a home that does not accept us back. And I have visited Pakistan just once in my life, yet I know I cannot fit in there. I am not religious enough for the middle class circles, or rich enough for the culturally Muslim population. And in Canada, I have little to no community really. Just living life with my family, occasionally hanging out with a coworker or two if I'm working. Being a third culture kid, diaspora kid, or simply a second/third/beyond gen immigrant is simply a unique experience. Some find nothing wrong, and feel completely home, while others always struggle.
SpaceBetweenNL@reddit
It's actually good. You can't miss home because you're not attached to "home."
I changed 3 states in my birth country as a minor, and then I moved to Europe. My "home" is my body, my loved ones, and the people around me. It's some town.
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
Omg I feel that SO MUCH! Especially the "my home is my body" bit!! I've moved 16 times in my life, maybe 6 involved country moves. A few years back, I was going THROUGH IT especially with my family so I got a tattoo of the words "; you are home." I wanted to ensure I always felt safe, and supported within myself. Your words couldn't be more real.
Smttosay44@reddit
Yes
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
Lol I love your reply, painfully real
Happy-Hour88@reddit
Yes and not only that but whenever I visit a place as a tourist now it never leads me to feel "Oh, I'd like to live here." but rather "Nice to visit but wouldn't like living here".
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
100% And I'll be honest I like traveling but I don't get the hype anymore. It is not all that. I feel like it's because I've done so much of it as a kid. I definitely still want to travel but the way that it is portrayed as this life-changing experience that nobody can ever live without. It is not that big a deal, unless you've traveled nowhere your whole life.
isUKexactlyTsameasUS@reddit
most peeps wd reckon lots of moving and schools before ever even got to senior high as a bad thing...
we know it's been a blessing,
living in the EU is living our best life. 100%
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
I have mixed feelings. I can appreciate the life experience I've gotten but God it has absolutely had a painful impact on my life as well. Moving so much has made forming community very difficult for me everywhere I have been. I've only ever been able to form superficial friendships, as I've moved before they've deepened. But you're absolutely right in that there is a lot of good that comes from being a third culture kid too. I feel like a very well-rounded individual.
rarsamx@reddit
Home is where I live. I even dislike the comonbuse of "home" as your birth place.
When people in my adopted countey ask me "do you go home frequently?" I reply "yes, almost every night".
GingerPrince72@reddit
Wherever I lay my metaphorical hat…
Competitive-Leg-962@reddit
Home is where I confidentially walk around without clothes.
I don't need a country, city, or even house to call home.
TrainingAd377@reddit
Funny, but if serious, it's highly superficial and unrepresentative for how complex this subject is.
Catcher_Thelonious@reddit
What's complex about it?
Like the poster to which you are responding, I've lived in a number of countries and don't feel especially attached to any. I have my preferences and there are two in which I can legally reside long-term.
But over 35 years, I have become alienated from the idea of home as a group of people to which you innately belong. Home is just wherever I happen unpack my suitcases.
Competitive-Leg-962@reddit
I'm dead serious, and I don't understand why you'd think it's complex?
Unless you insinuate I walk around naked in my favorite pub, which I assure you, I don't. Yet.
daluzy@reddit
“Home isn't a place. It's a person."
Stephanie Perkins
govnyuuk@reddit
Once you get to 35 you'll stop caring about where "home" is
binzoma@reddit
'Home' is a feeling, not a place
the jarring thing for me after nearly 20 years, when I do go back 'home' it doesnt feel like home at all. the city has changed dramatically. the people have changed. the vibes have changed. they havent noticed because its not like there was some major event that changed things, just the slow progress of time over nearly a quarter century.
the 'home' in my head is just that. in my head. it existed in the early 2000s. the place is still there, and family and old friends. but its certainly not been 'home' for quite a long time.
imrzzz@reddit
I also don't have a sense of any particular country being home.
But, chicken-and-egg, I don't know if I feel that way because I've moved countries a lot or if I moved countries a lot because I feel that way (and have no particular loyalty to one place).
lluluna@reddit
Oh ya, it definitely does.
I'm a 4th culture kid and I definitely struggled with identity and belonging back then. (Parents from different countries and they raised me in the 3rd, mainly. But I grew up in 2 cultures because my relatives and cousins are in another country so I travel there frequently during breaks and holidays.)
I noticed it popping up again when I moved to Europe. As Europeans could never put me into a category that they are used to so I'm constantly being misjudged.
Home, at least to me, becomes more of a concept than a physical location after a while.
W02T@reddit
I am currently visiting my hometown. It feels like I’ve awakened from a nightmare. So good to see old friends and familiar places.
ExpatReady@reddit
I imigrated to US when I was 20, but didn't have same feeling to go back becaues I hated my mother country. It really depend on who you are and where you came from. I think you are searching for place you want to feel home. Keep searching, and when you find it, you won't be having that kind of thoght.
Cytwytever@reddit
My home country changed so much that I don't recognize it or feel safe in it anymore. Home is where I feel like I can do some good and live safely with my spouse now.
violentcrumble4@reddit
Yes. Now, for me, certain people are home.
Bomboclaat_Babylon@reddit
Keep going for 20 years, and this question will seem obscure and irrelevant to you.
jerseyexpat2020@reddit
Yup.
summerFIREinCh@reddit
I moved around China, singapore, Japan, Switzerland, I do not feel like going back. I love the new home!
parnassus744@reddit
As an expat who moved abroad as a young adult and has now lived in the new chosen country for many years, it’s basically a situation of having two homes, but also none.
Where you spend your most formative years — childhood, school, most of college — really forms you and it never, ever leaves you. And that’s great. And going abroad in your early 20s gives you plenty of new and formative core memories as well. At first it’s just cool to have this whole thick layer of new experiences added to your life— language, friends, fun, romance, travel, job etc. But further down the road, you reach kind of a third place: you’re not this, you’re not that, you’ve become a mix that doesn’t feel completely at home in either place. I wouldn’t say it’s bad per se, there’s a lot of positives about reaching that whole level of intercultural knowledge that most in your original or new home will never know. But yes, an intercultural life of constantly comparing your original and second homes — whether you want to compare or not — definitely does something to a person, has you questioning things much more than you’d maybe like. Because even though you know you’ll never totally identify with your new country (and dine have to), you also know that the country you once left is not the same place it was, and going back would have you not totally identifying with it either. So I just try to see the positives of living an intercultural life, even though sometimes it’d be easier to just be the one or the other person.
The-American-Abroad@reddit
I feel like the city I live in is “home” even if the larger country isn’t necessarily. Because I know the layout well, have acquaintances at the grocery store, cafes, gym, etc. nearby, and so on. All this, mind you, while only speaking the local language to a b1 level.
Sorry_Product_3637@reddit
yeah it absolutely does, but not necessarily in a bad way? at least for me.
i've lived in 3 countries over the past 6 years and at some point i just stopped trying to answer "where's home" because the question itself started feeling wrong. like i'd go back to visit my parents and everything felt familiar but also slightly off, like wearing shoes you haven't worn in a year. they still fit but something's different.
the weird part is you also never fully belong in the new place either. you're always "the foreigner" to some degree no matter how long you stay or how well you learn the language. so you end up in this in-between space.
what actually helped me was just... accepting that. stopped trying to make any one place feel like capital-H Home and instead focused on building small anchors wherever i am. same morning routine, same type of coffee setup, keep in touch with the same people. home became more about habits and people than a specific place.
still hits weird sometimes though ngl. especially holidays.
Citrusy_Brain@reddit
I have never felt at home in my own country anyways so for me this was redundant, I feel out of the place everywhere so I don't care about not feeling at home, I am just happy that my new country has nice pavements to walk on as a pedestrian and that I have freedom to go anywhere anytime as a woman. For context- I am Indian with a family name from another state but was born and brought up in a different state, so never felt accepted from the very start (And I don't have a problem with it, I atleast did not grew up with a false sense of community and caste pride like other imbeciles).
Bulky-Factor7870@reddit
I was concerned about this before I moved away from my birth city. That city has a special place in my heart, but it never quite felt like home for me. I always felt… misplaced?
After I moved to the other side of the world, and was still in the everything is new and exciting phase (so I didn’t reflect too hard about this topic) I returned from holiday and I caught myself on the trip back from the airport saying with a deep sigh of relief “thank god I’m home”. I’ve had that feeling ever since (even after returning from my birth city).
So no. I’m not confused where my home is. I do call my birth city “back home” sometimes, but it’s not my home. It’s where I grew up and where my family live.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
If you never felt truly connected to home how do you know what this feeling should look like?
Up till I was 24 years old I never traveled abroad. My city was familiar to me because this is where I lived. My culture was mine because I was familiar with it. I knew people around me, they knew me. There were many common memories and experiences. So for me, all this familiarity is what home was in a broad sense.
Then I decided to move abroad. In my case my plan was to move permanently. So it never felt temporary because I wasn’t planning on returning unless something were to go terribly wrong.
Things went OK. And with time I became more and more familiar with my new town, people in my new town, I learned language. I watched movies, TV, read books, social media, I became familiar with the rest of country, learned more and more about culture on my new country. I created new memories.
Eventually my old life became more distant. People things, culture there had changed. My old town stopped being as familiar so it stopped being home the way it used to be.
Instead my “new” place became place where I feel the most comfortable and as ease, place where I know how things are.
I
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
I have never really felt at home anywhere but I do believe I am able to tell when a place does not feel like home because it would if it did? I'm not sure how to explain that.
I know what the feeling of home would feel like innately just by being human. But I very rarely have felt it especially past the age of six which is when my first big move happened. I think that shattered a large part of me as a child. I grew up looking at photos of younger me in a place I didn't get to remain. On top of that, I also knew my family wasn't from the place I was born or the place I was raised in. I believe my sense of home would be better if most of my moves happened in adult life.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
Well I am wondering what would it feel like? Should I feel something else besides what I described?
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
I’m not sure there’s one “right” way to feel home. But when I imagine it, I think of a place that loves me back. Somewhere people know me, or knew me growing up. A place with traces of the people who came before me, uncles, aunties, grandparents.
I think I sometimes envy people who’ve had that kind of continuity. Like a family home that’s been there for generations, or land that’s always been theirs. For me, home feels like a place that couldn’t exist without me, where I’m deeply rooted in community, surrounded by extended family, where I’m not othered, and where I feel safe.
At the same time, I know “home” is really individual. For some people it’s simple. For others, it’s something they spend their whole lives trying to make sense of, or learning how to carry within themselves.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
I see now what you mean. So to answer your question. If we are to use your definition of home then, unfortunately for both of us, it would be impossible to feel at home anywhere besides the place where we were born, raised and where most of our relatives live.
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
Yea 💀 this is why most of my quarter life crisis has centred around belonging and home.
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
May I suggest to change definition for home from something that is impossible to achieve to something more achievable?
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
I've worked on my idea of it for quite some time. I think it's a lifelong process, I try to view home as within myself more than anything. I try to think of it as something I can create no matter the circumstances around me, or the people. Unfortunately for many, I don't believe they get to achieve my definition either. I often find myself thinking of how this is a very modern problem because immigration was rare before the airplane. It was not an experience humanity has dealt with for most of history. Isolation was rare. Home was a place you had lived in for generations. Community was inescapable.
I'm also definitely open to any insight you have to share as well!
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
I am someone who actually lived in a community. Community can be positive environment for some but toxic/negative environment for others.
I personally have a neutral opinion about community I grew up. I liked some aspects and disliked other aspects.
itsthekumar@reddit
I think this is also difficult because we change over time, our places of birth change, our current homes change etc.
I was born in one place, but immigrated to another country as a child. Moved around a few times within that country. Idk I feel like my current "home" (which I've been at the longest) is my true home. My place of birth holds a lot of mine and my family's history, but it still doesn't feel like "home".
My current home is where I feel most comfortable. That can change in the future too.
yepthatsmeme@reddit
I moved around a lot as a kid so home was never more than 4 years in one place. I lived in Asia for 6 years as an adult.
Asia still feels like home more than anywhere else for me, so yes this can be a common feeling
WrittenByEff@reddit (OP)
It seems rare to find folks that understand outside of expat communities, and rare third culture kid spaces. Everyone seems to have home bases with endless extended family, or even history for generations. Life feels empty without that. I grew up between East Asia and North America, but I'm Brown myself. You're always wondering whether you'd have been happier to have settled elsewhere.