Over 35 years there have been droughts and floods of biblical proportions. Like porn star levels and then it's like Mars and all the moisture and atmosphere has turned everything into a barren waste.
So so many things get in the way of sex:
migraines
menopause
children
work
getting sick
parents getting sick
cleaning
cooking
shuttling the kids around
parents dying
friends dying
family dying
financial fuckery
natural disasters
chronic illnesses
injuries (just turning my fucking leg and it's like hey I'm a cripple now
If I ever found out my parents listed me trying to off myself under annoying reasons they can't have sex i'm burning the entire house down with everyone inside lmao
There was a time in my life just showered meant time I jump her hard before she got her work gear on. And even then it usually meant a second shower. Which then sometimes resulted in a third shower.
If there is anything I can in part to you kids is have lots of cameras recording those times (with documented consent, on both sides and a single storage that she can access as well in the event she wants to nuke it, don't be a dick and spread any of that stuff coz you got your heart broken).
I'm currently in the exact same situation. I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I can hardly get into the mood while she can't get out of it. I feel super bad and I'm not sure what to do about it. Shit sucks man
Bro, did you guys talk about expectations of each other? Are you guys still loughing together? Do you enjoy each other's company? You guys need to talk honestly, probably with someone who can mediate for you too. Good Luck.
I feel your pain my brother, but a voice in my head would be screaming "I don't need a fucking platonic roommate - I was comfortable and always had money before this!"
Not to reductio ad absurdum anyone's marriage, but
If the only thing that separates a platonic and romantic relationship to you is sex, I'm sorry to tell you that you have been doing it wrong. Romantic affection isn't only physical, and not everyone even has sexual needs.
I'm not saying you're crazy or anything, just a bit odd of a statement.
Sex is like the lowest thing on my intimacy list and most of my girlfriends have been dumfounded by it and some even thought I was gay and just looking for a token girlfriend to help hide it or whatever
Kinda wish I could just be a foaming at the mouth hormdog sometimes but it just doesn't work that way for me lol
There’s nothing wrong with being asexual or on that spectrum, if you’re happy then you just gotta find someone on the same wavelength
That said, are you happy? Sexual desire, libido, physical attraction is a core component for the majority of people. For the majority of people, it does indicate a physical or mental health condition which is suppressing it. Maybe not TRT, but it’s worth it to get a checkup and blood panel done if you haven’t
I've been down that road of thought myself but I know that isn't the issue personally as my levels are normal, it's just who I am
Shedding that shame and figuring out who I am, and becoming comfortable with it was difficult but rewarding
I'm now single, no sex life and happier than I've ever been than when I was telling myself "no, you need a partner, you need sex, be normal, that's what normal is"
Don't get me wrong, I really miss intimacy as a whole, especially just being close with someone in the silence and enjoying each others presence - but previously I conflated that feeling with the desire to have sex which was a pattern I was trying to force so I could be more 'sex driven' like a 'normal' man, because what normal man wants to cuddle and talk but not bone?
So I might be living a lonelier life, but I'm not longer living a lie to myself or stressing out over something that for me is quite fluid, my libido can have me cranking it out 3 times a day and then I'll have no interest for weeks and some people are just this way, our sex drives - just like our personalities and experiences, aren't static, but so many people treat them as constants
Personally seeing a psych helped me normalise my own thought patterns and reduce the internalised shame from years of media exposure and being made to feel wrong, and gaining a new understanding & perspective of myself was incredibly eye opening and liberating.
Though if you believe the libido may be medically related it sure is worth checking out, just go to a professional and don't take it upon yourself to treat it especially when it comes to things like hormones - don't fuck with your natural systems until they need fucking with, if you think they need fucking with get them checked
Depending on specifics, you sound like most in the asexual community tbh. Ive personally parroted several of your talking points like wishing I had more of that drive as a motivator. Might help ya order your thoughts a bit and get a different perspective just to look into it.
This. I literally can't get it up anymore because of the cancer I have, but my relationship with my wife is far from platonic. I don't kiss and caress and squeeze my bros.
I don't think it's as odd as you believe it is. I've seen this play out in my own and other people's relationships. If there was a pattern of regular sex beforehand and that stops, people tend to give up on the romance too.
Again, I feel like you're talking about a minority of a minority. Most people do have sexual needs, majority of couples start out their relationships having regular sex. If said regular sex eventually reduces in frequency, people's romantic proclivities reduce in kind.
I recently came out of a long term relationship, and I honestly feel like I'm rediscovering my sexuality, my sensuality and my taste for romance. You can only be so romantic to your partner if your needs are being rebuffed.
Agree with you, a healthy relationship includes mental, emotional, and physical intimacy. If you don’t have all 3, in my opinion your relationship will struggle
It’s entirely valid that your partner may go through a rough patch and have lower libido, and you should support them every step of the way, but 6 years is not a rough patch, that’s the natural state of things, and you shouldn’t expect it to get better all of a sudden
Hey man, I hope you understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex in your relationship, and there is nothing wrong with it being a deal breaker. Intimacy is extremely important. Any therapist worth their salt would tell you that.
I’m in a relationship where this is no longer a problem but I honestly should have ended things after highschool, definitely missed out on parts of college life because of this though lmao
Good sex can do wonders for depression, they’ve done a few studies where I couple scheduled sex every day and eventually after a month or two they both reported a huge increase in libido and mental health
Hey, know this thread is probably dead but I feel you. Married, in love, attracted to each other but it is hard when you are both depressed. We aren’t to this extreme but I get it. I appreciate you sharing.
I take bupropion for depression and it made my already high libido even higher to the point it becomes annoying and distracting. Lack of girlfriend doesn't help either.
I had problems with my girlfriend (now broken up) and we had sex like once a week. Maybe three times a week if we had a good week.. I just like having sex a lot. And like you said, she withdrew due to depression, meanwhile depression makes me hornier than ever.
I can understand lack of sex in certain contexts like sickness, after pregnancy, etc. But I think that generally healthy couples should try to at least match libidos. Obviously things happen and you have to stick with it but it's kinda weird when you read subreddits like deadbedrooms and see people complaining about not having sex for like 5 years. It throws me off completely.
Not like I can't imagine it... I understand and I empathize but I can't imagine myself in that situation.
Way to move the goalposts to suit yourself. Truly the hallmark of a good debater. Go back and read the comment I replied to. Getting downvoted on this sub is not worse than looking as dumb as you
At no point did I say I didn’t have sex, I said there are times in your life where not having sex for months isn’t abnormal. I can’t teach reading comprehension to you. I can keep having a normal amount of sex and also be smarter than you which is the most satisfying
Who is bragging? Not having sex for months is normal in certain stages of a long term relationship. A lot of sexless dudes projecting their insecurities onto me doesn’t phase me at all. Someday you’ll understand
No, but the way you phrased your edit comes off as obnoxious that it sounds like you're bragging, why call people who disagree with you "childless boomers" and "sexless dudes projecting insecurities"?
I know a couple who have kids and still find some time for intimacy. Some people want sex for emotional or physical connection, so it's understandable if relationships stale after a long period of sexlessness, from both men and women.
You have a point, so do the people here, you're just being an ass about it.
My 150 downvotes came before you even showed up so your point is moot. This isn’t the sub for rational discourse. Relationships are for sex only and if you don’t have sex every night you’re sad and if you even mention otherwise you’re bragging about being a loser who doesn’t fuck his wife all the time. You don’t even have kids so why the fuck would I even listen to you?
In fairness a lot of this depends upon number of kids and their age. Oh you have two under 3 years old? Nah, enjoy being a celibate monk. Have one who is 7? Bang away playa
I’ve been having a hard time having sex with my partner ever since I injured my spine, specifically my sacrum, it appears to impact my libido. Also have depression issues but I physically can’t feel as much down there a decent amount of the time. I guess the nerves that go through the sacrum can impact all sorts of things down there.
I’ve been having issue walking frequently because of the same cause. I get sciatic nerve pain on/off that flares up the more physically active I am.
It sucks. I feel sad about it. If I was having a particularly difficult moment… I’d probably be like uh.. haha yeah. I’m feeling sad about it… Would definitely just make me feel sadder to talk about it specifically in the context of sex and make me feel pressured and reduce my drive even less, despite my partners attempts. And I’d probably distract myself with something after.
It wouldn’t make my partner “evil” in this scenario but. Maybe the focus of this discussion shouldn’t be “Hey we should have more sex” but instead on the other partners wellbeing.
Ultimately something is causing their decline in sex and focusing on the sex itself can just cause more shame and discomfort.
It’s like saying “hey we haven’t been on a walk in a minute” to someone whos been having a hard time using their legs. I would assume something libido related is going on whether its depression, stress, hormonal, or even genuine disinterest in their partner.
In my opinion as a neuro-divergent bi woman, the only thing differentiating a romantic relationship from a close friendship is physical intimacy. If the physicality is gone, you're basically just a close friend who can now not have sex with anyone else either.
My wife and I go at it between one and four times a day even if we're in a foul mood. I have friends who haven't had sex with their spouses for over a year and my wife and I are very clearly doing better than they are. Lack of sex would definitely be a dealbreaker. I can deal with my own shit if my wife is sick or working, but sex is a must-have. when we're both available.
Unless you're super busy, it's understandable. But the wife here has time to watch netflix while the husband is asking about sex. It it were me, I'd look into getting a divorce because I'm not going to be labelled a cheater if this keeps going on.
I thought this way too untit I got in a long term relationship myself, and even though we don't have sex very often, and being somewhat sexually frustrated (we have sex like twice a month), I still love her and I'm happy with this life despite that con. Nothing is that black and white
At some point you just become roommates. Nothing wrong with people moving on when sexual desire disappears in a relationship. For some it’s a big deal and for some it’s less.
People act like sex is the only type of physical intimacy, or the only intimacy to be had at all, and wonder why their partner has grown distant from them.
It’s not like its the only factor in a solution… Shit happens. But it makes you wonder.
I disagree. Leading with sex can just further put pressure onto having sex, and the conversation becomes about sex and not how the partner is doing.
We have an extremely narrow window of the situation but I would assume depression or something is going on, or maybe they’re drifting apart or something.
Focusing the conversation on sex can just create more shame and guilt and create pressure to have sex and make it feel even harder to want to have it because it can start to feel like an obligation instead of something done spontaneously between partners, particularly if someone is already depressed, distant, or otherwise stressed it can paradoxically exascerbate it.
Not to say that OOP is evil or whatever for making the “wrong choice”, but “Hey, how have you been feeling lately? You feel distant, is everything okay?” - probably would’ve been a better place to start
How does it get to this point though? If you’re in a committed relationship shouldn’t you always have some way to invigorate the relationship? Mentor of mine has been married like 40 yrs, he and the wife still go out on dates (with each other)
Nowadays I see couples with kids in their 30s who look visibly cold towards each other almost like they’re siblings or roommates
Kids are a huge strain on any physical intimacy. You have to be pretty strong minded and selfless to accept that things will eventually get better in bed with no actual end in sight.
It's not always the case though, obviously. Some people fucking love shagging and knocking out more kids.
Knew people who dated each other at 50, got divorced at 52 because the guy had been cheating for the last 5 years. What I mean to say is that there often is trash under the hood
I wonder if anyone here is in a relationship. Because lack of interest in sex can be tied to depression, stress, or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Your first thought shouldn’t be divorce, it should be support.
Thats simply how the average redditor in relationshipadvice sees relationships and resorts to giving divorce/break up advice the moment they hear a single hiccup
Saw a post on here recently where people were telling a lady she should leave her cancer afflicted husband because he chose not to get treatment (probably to avoid leaving a mountain of debt for his wife when he passes). Even after she made it clear she wouldn’t be doing that. A lot of people on this site are genuinely just insane
How do you think he switched careers? I supported the family on my single income so he could go back to school. Love is about more than money and sex. I have his back and he has mine. I wish it on everyone.
Not sure why you’re being downvoted, I dated mid to late 20s girls who all passed on a second date because I didn’t make enough money, meanwhile i see couples less than 10 yrs into marriage pull up in $50,000 vehicles and they barely even look at each other
Because people started comparing - back in the 90s, he KPI was "happiness" and "duration" of the marriage, nobody care about shit under the hood.
Nowadays everybody is contantly comparing themselves to some type of media-representation.
KPIs are now income, frequency and diversity of sexual activity - men feel the need to be millionaires in ther 30s just to provide enough spending money and women often complain about being expected to look like super models while acting like AV models at home.
True love needs time to grow, mutual respect for and trust in each other - looking for "get happy quick" schemes will offer none of that and exhaust you emotionally at the same time.
honestly it depends. when i was younger, i would’ve said absolutely a dealbreaker. but now that im older, i know that health changes (especially hormonal changes in women, ie menopause) can really fuck up your libido.
for example, if my partner was receiving cancer treatment and couldn’t have sex, i would absolutely stay with them and probably not even mention it. it’s easy to “take care” of yourself too, sure it’s not the same, but you gotta compromise in long term relationships. i 100% value my partner over sex every single time.
that said, if you just start dating and your libidos are mismatched, that’s probably going to end up frustrating one of you. but libido also changes as we go through life, esp stress, children, psych medication, etc. so honestly i think you have to get over it as the high libido partner (talking from personal experience, from both sides) and take care of your own urges. it’s not fair to put the responsibility on someone who can’t handle it at that point in time
Have this same experience. Its a no win situation, you either suffer in silence or say something and she holds it against me for a week, somehow its my fault even though I took her out to a nice restaurant and dancing, flowers the whole deal.
Yes, yes it is a deal breaker. Why wouldnt you want to make your partner a little happy? Life sucks already and he probably works hard and brings home a check. If both of youre bringing a check home, why wouldnt you make a little time for your partner??? Is it really so much to have sex with the person you married or are in a relationship with. You picked your partner and it only takes a little bit to make him real happy and is literally one of the best things you can do for him as long as youre not leading him on or using him as a atm, make him a little bit happy☺️
100%. Medical conditions aside, no sex and I'm leaving to find strange cause you've already left.
Men need it as much as you need safety, comfort, support, and love. It's critical to men's sense of wellbeing and feelings of intimacy, connection and commitment towards you, so if you skip it those will slowly die. If you're out of commission downstairs from pregnancy or illness, you should be taking care of your man other ways so he knows you're still committed to the relationship. He needs to see that you're eager to make him cum in order for him to stay eager to make you happy.
At least for me, those other forms of intimacy work only when I'm already getting enough sex.
When I'm blue balled, it only leads to further frustration and sadness. Like I can physically feel, that my body is protesting even though I understand.
For instance, my to-be-wife was recently sick for about two weeks, and I didn't want to put additional pressure on her, so I wasn't demanding or even suggesting sex. But towards the end, I could feel my mental health to decline, which was...unusual.
I was fine, until I got aroused, and then with a single turn down, my head went to shit.
I'd also like to state, that I'd never leave my partner, as I love her. Even if somehow we no longer could have sex, I wouldn't want to leave.
But for men, sex is really important, it's like a reset button. And other forms of intimacy, at least for some, are a bonus, rather than a replacement.
I noticed many women not getting this, same as many men not getting women in bed.
Hopefully by “other ways” you mean like the devotion of taking care of your child that she was pregnant with for 9 months, right?
Fuck no. I mean other sex acts. Men don't get to stop being husbands just cause you're pregnant, and you don't get to stop being a wife either.
If sex is a fucking chore for you, then your relationship is already garbage and he should leave you while he can still afford to.
Maybe men are just commonly neglected in other areas of intimacy and thus only know how to seek out that intimacy through sex?
No, this is completely the wrong way to think about this. Men are different from women, in both how we experience relationships and what our needs are.
It's true that men are neglected and dismissed at higher rates than women for all forms of intimacy, but that has nothing to do with why we need sex. Sex isn't a mere replacement or substitute for other types of intimacy. No, it is a core component of men having intimacy with their wife at all, and there is nothing wrong or defective about that connection.
It's hard for most women and some effeminate men to understand, but this has to do with the reality of how most men's minds function. It's good and adaptive for how we need to approach the world in order to succeed and in order to be what women need us to be.
Yeah unless they have a medical problem or a somatopsychic condition where their brain is being flooded with cortisol from work stress or whatever, there's more going on
I mean I would say something like stress from work or whatever could be the something more thats going on, and it’s important to talk to your partner about that. Can just be difficult to if its prompted in relation to sex instead of in relation to how your partner is doing.
Yeah, it's not the lack of sex itself, it's the fact that if your partner is unwilling to be intimate with you and your relationship isn't estaished as asexual one then something is clearly up
For me? No. I don't have a very strong libido. My wife does. We have sex like 3 times a month. We also work roughly 130 hours a week between the two of us, and run/work a really busy business.
Every time we go out to dinner we usually have a LONG sex session. That's enough for me. My wife is super hot at least to me so I should probably pump those numbers up forcher sake. Now, the lack of healthy communication would kill any relationship. I hope OP is larping, but it reads way too real.
No but when she agrees we aren’t having enough but then proceeds to endlessly scroll reels and ignores every advance I make, I start to feel disconnected. Magically it’s the man’s fault after several months when the relationship losses the spark.
Yup. That intimacy is gone. First it's the sex, then the cuddles, then the kissing, then the hugs, then the hand holding and then you're get roommates before you actually split
Besides connection with the partner through sex, I feel like sex is also a confirmation that your partner still finds you attractive. If I were with someone and we'd go from having sex to no more, then I'd feel sad. I would try to see if it's in my control or if I can help but otherwise, I'm out I guess
yes, but mainly cause adults will not want to communicate what they want. instead of this dude asking his wife why she hasnt been as intimate recently, he just says it. and instead of her asking him to clarify (or say anything) she didnt. leading to them both pushing each other away slightly more
Brain dead take. Relationships are not about box ticking and are an exercise in building something with another person, not everything needs to be perfectly in harmony
Thing is, in no other regard where there is "no perfect harmony" do we expect the partner to comply.
I don't like Yoga so my GF meets up with her class - she's not into cycling, so I ride with other people. All good.
But for sex we suddenly have to accept that expectations on both sides are not met, not further discuss and simply live with it? Why?
Why build a relationship on something that will eventually lead to both parties being unhappy?
Honestly, been there, done that - first few months we bonked like rabbits, then she wanted less and less. At some point, I stopped caring, stoped asking and suddenly she complained about me not finding her attractive anymore? Neither of us were happy but an hones discussion about the "why" could have saved us time and disappointment.
Nope. I want kisses and cuddles and other intimacy. I'm sure sex it great, but it'a not what I crave, it's nonexistance in my life isn't what keeps me up at night.
yes, im hypersexual and going more than a week or two is rly frustrating and puts a lot of strain on the relationship. i'd have sex almost every day if my girlfriend would indulge. im a girl btw if that matters
Good sex is like a reset button for your relationship/marriage. It's harder(near impossible) to repair rifts and real issues without intimacy. Obviously there are reasons for not having sex for a while but you better have some hellish resolve if you want to maintain a sexless relationship.
It’s not a deal breaker but it does add strain. I told my wife I won’t bother her about it as long as she doesn’t shame me for taking care of myself when I need it and she isn’t in the mood.
Not for me, but I know some people is it a deal breaker, it really depends on the person. This would be a case where talking to your partner would be very helpful in determining if there's something wrong or if the partner just isn't the type to like sex and if this means they should reconsider their relationship
My situation is that we both grew to be too fat together. It's almost like only having the BBW category available. It's a huge turn off. It can easily be the same thing the other way.
A response like that would be positive for me. "Lack of sex in the last few months makes her sad" means she still cares. It sucks but lack of sex for you for months is also a lack of sex for her for months if she is not getting it from elsewhere in which case you have a bigger problem.
You can't expect her to get into the mood after that long from just a hug and ass grab out of nowhere...
Saying she is sad is doing something to change the situation tho ? Even if it's 0.5 of a step, it's still a step. Especially since his actions can't also be counted as a proper step to establish communications.
Now he knows something is wrong with their relationship and it's not just his lacking sex drive.
We don't know anything but the post but; months of no sex, no talks about no sex during those months, his solution being a surprise sexual request and his response to stonewalling being "taking it personal" shows that there are indeed several ongoing problems in their relationship and the most major we can see is his pov which consists more of "I" than "us".
I'm not defending her, she might be far worse but just in this interaction, we see a man who makes it about himself which is not great behavior :/.
Usually women withhold sex if you're not meeting their expectations. What I do during dry spells with the wife is cooking, chores, and stop playing video games without her asking. Taking her on dates helps to an extent but doing stuff really makes her happy
I wish I didn't have to do that, but shit gets done and she views me as a man that does what he needs to.
Like cleaning the bedroom, living room, and kitchen really does it lol
My experience tells me that women don't care if you're bad at sex as long as toys are involved, they really care about how they view you as a man. This is why jocks get superficial relationships and the high functioning nerds get the wife.
Of course she will say sad in that given situtation, why should she say "I'm happy about it actually, I fucking despise you"? The entire point of the post is that she's just trying to get the conversation over with and go back to watching Netflix
Please tell me you dont take similar conversations literally every time
So you were there when this conversation happened and have observed the unspoken communication between them and deduced she was just being kind and and trying to get away ?
Not really tho. This stuff happens so often you would be surprised.
Literally. This is one of the most common causes of divorce. Sec therapy often focuses on this as well.
"
Married couple gets into a sexless period for whatever reason ( there are so many reasons you would be surprised, stress being the leading one).
They both ignore it, don't communicate for months.
This creates an emotional distance and frustration.
One side is fed up and initiates sex, other refuses because of the frustration and the distance between them.
This turns into a pride issue and they let go of their partner totally and request a divorce soon after.
"
There is a reason why good communication with your partner is the leading indicator for log term relationship success. It also means you are good at bed for better or for worse.
I mean if a woman says she is in the mood men just find a way to get into it. It isn’t that hard really when someone who your attracted to wants to fuck you, just think sexy thoughts. Sure in an ideal world we would be able to slowly build the seduction all day but we have jobs, gym, dinner and chores to do. I think it is too much to expect a song and dance every time. Where is OPs wife’s attempts at seducing him? Where is the effort on their part? I think blaming OP when they are essentially being neglected by their partner just perpetuates the notion that women shouldn’t make any effort when it comes to sex, that it is something they should just give like a reward. When both partners should want to be having more intimacy and making equal effort.
Libido is waaaayyy easier to come by if you have High Testosterone, and Additionally if youre not stressed.
“Just think sexy thoughts” is not an easy solution to the problem if you have Low Libido in general from Depression / Stress or hormonal issues. Or even just regular hormonal varience. My libido varies greatly just over the course of the month depending on my hormonal cycle.
When I took Testosterone (Transmasc) it used to be like I was ready to go at any time LMAOOO but now not so much and it varies greatly based off how stressed / depressed I am as well as hormonal cycles.
I think calling it neglect is crazy, its not like OOP can’t jerk off. OOP lived all his life before meeting his wife without being able to fuck her, maybe he could instead ask more about how she’s feeling instead of pushing for sex. Doesn’t make OOP evil for approaching it the “wrong” way but calling it “Neglect” when it could be depression, stress, menopause, or even just… genuine issues in the relationship is a bit of a reach.
Something definitely needs to change, but sex doesn’t work the way you describe it does for everyone. Libido can be very different for men than it is for women.
So I don’t think you are wrong about testosterone playing a role. In fact there are many experts in women’s health saying that low testosterone may play a huge role in women’s libido problems and there is currently no agreed T treatment for women. Most countries won’t even consider it. BUT imagine it was reversed and the wife was the one who’s husband was ignoring her needs, maybe there could even be legitimate reasons why they can’t get it up, but people would (rightly imo) suggest he should get medical help if the problem is physiological. Ignoring your partner’s needs and assuming it is biology is not the way. I also disagree that he can just jack it, when he was single he could jack it and sleep with other people, experience intimacy and being desired, it is mental and physical. It is funny how often people write off the importance of sex in a relationship but the same people, the second there is the thought of their partner having sex with someone else they realise the enormous physical and emotional role it plays. Then go back to ignoring their partners need.
That's an ok criticism. She is also responsible for this long dry session. But the way to go when you experience a dry session with your partner is to talk with them, long and clear, not hug and grab their ass suggesting you are dtf.
Since this been going on for months and this is the first time he is bringing it up, this clearly has an underlying issue. But as I've said, she is not dtf atm but she is also not fine with not having sex from her response. So instead of being butthurt from this, go watch some Netflix with her and talk about why this has happened and how things can improve.
It might be anything. Emotional distance, physical boredom, your technique sucking, your partners technique sucking, them being conflicted about something... It might even be cheating or just good old stress. I got a limp dick for weeks when we were moving from US to Netherlands with my family because of the stress. My husband was also stressed but he is the type that releases stress with sex so it was an hectic month of me rejecting and stonewalling him at everyday. I was also sad for not having sex but it takes two to fuck and if one is not feeling it, it's just masturbating with extra steps.
I think its quite different when the conversation is being lead by pressuring the other person to have sex.
Intentional or otherwise, it would create pressure towards that and can be quite uncomfortable if the other person has been having low libido, is disinterested, has been depressed or stressed, etc.
A lot of people with these issues feel incredibly guilty about them and leading the conversation in a way that creates pressure to have sex can just exacerbate the issue.
It doesn’t make OOP evil for doing the “wrong” thing, its just a difficult situation and can be difficult to navigate for everyone.
That's an ok criticism but months of sexless cohabitance don't just happen between perfectly communicating couples. It's clear there is an underlying issue for this very long dry spell.
One of the major mistakes people make is connecting the amount of sex people have to their attraction to their partner.
That's not how it works. If you are limp, you won't be having sex even if you find the most sexy person around. If you are not feeling, it's not a good experience even if the best dick is penetrating you. Been to both sides, you can trust me on that.
Life is not a romance novel, your and your partners sexual drive are highly connected to your neuroendocrine system and physical health. You can and will experience dry spells periodically your whole life with any partner. It's practically impossible to keep a high sex drive all year long for years at end.
Stress is one of the best turn off there ever is. It also turns some people on tho. Nothing is set in stone so figure it out with your partner. If they don't talk, try initiating it. If they still refuse and they are important to you, seek professional help.
It's pretty detestating when you hit a sexual block and your partner doesn't notice, or notices but doesn't talk about it. It makes you feel undesired and creates emotional distance and frustration. This can easily end relationship due to misconceptions.
Willingness to be altruistic and caring? If i dont feel like doing something, for many things i do it anyway because i need to/care. If i dont feel like sex i still dont mind eating out my girl or giving massages. I want them to be satisfied and happy. Are they not worth that effort? Like its truly not hard to do. I guess i just wouldn’t be in a relationship without a caring person, I have no problem serving others.
If you are unwilling to perform but still perform out of alturism, it's an unhealthy dynamic that puts sex as an one sided altruistic act.
My advice would be to have boundaries. Forcing yourself to eat them out when you don't feel like will end up wearing you down eventually. Excessive giving can also easily hurt the receiving party into doing unwilling tasks out of obligation to return the favor and brew resentment. Lovebombing is the perfect example for this.
For care part, your partner may need sexual care and you can provide it. But how often not having sex immediately is detrimental to ones health or psychology ? Like I remember having sex to make him feel better about a situation even if I didn't want to do it that day for like 10-15 times max ?
-Are they not worth the effort ?
They are. But that effort is better spent on improving communications and resolving issues. You have limited effort capacity. The more you spend serving sex, the less you have for being together.
While each person is to their own, healthy relationships don't involve servitude that often in them. They put companionship first. Don't override yourself constantly.
Its doesnt “put” sex as anything but what it is. Is there a problem with one sided acts in your head, like giving a massage, helping an old person, supporting a friend? The idea of “you scratch my itch, i scratch yours” is the dynamic, which serves us both so not really a one sided dynamic. Dont how you think you can declare that as unhealthy.
I have boundaries, so does my partner. What makes you think we dont? I cant imagine how eating pussy can wear me out, it takes less than 10mins and unless my tongue is sore theres no issue. How can i be weary? Hardly something to call excessive. If someone becomes resentful of that, im better off not being them. That goes for friends too. I have obligations to my friends and lovers even if it dont like it.
Health, no effect that i know of. But psychologically? Could be, depends on a lot of things. I care for my partners needs beyond just making sure they have food and water. I care about what they feel day to day.
Improving communication shouldn’t be a thing you are still learning with a partner past a certain time(if someone has mental difficulties, sure). Like after enough time, you either know how to listen and speak reasonably with each or you dont. It is really not hard to put yourself in someones shoes if you care about people in general, and be able to convey needs clearly.
You are together in sex, outside of sex too. It shows compassion and love and thoughtfulness, like many things in a relationship. What are you talking about? Its not “serving sex” like its a demon or something.
“Healthy relationships dont involve servitude that often in them”you mean MONTHS is too often for you to do a selfless service!?…
The thing about companionship is its requirements are different for each person. Mine is just being able to think and do for others and closely match efforts. It takes less time to suck pussy than to make a meal for my girl, and though both dont serve me, i do them for her because i love her. I dont want someone who thinks “oh thats to much effort” like shit how am supposed have CHILDREN with that kind of person?
The idea of "scratch my itch and I scratch yours" tell me that you are categorizing oral sex in the category of exchanged favors which is a totally different thing from altruistic acts and care you claimed in your previous comment.
That puts the act of oral sex a reward for receiving oral sex. Sex as a reward is not healthy. But it's healthier than one side altruisticly offering sex anytime their partner wants.
Having sex when your partner is unwilling due to a obligation to make them happy is the definition of not having boundaries.
It's emotional weariness. Oral sex can be easy on the body but providing such intimacy when you don't want everytime your partner wants it is a major emotional wear. If someone becomes resentful after that and you think you are better of without them. They are also better of without you. Clearly you are not compatible.
Care is a finicky word. I understood it as "taking care of someone, to care for them" rather than " caring for their feelings" because of the altruism talks.
Improving communications is a lifelong commitment. That's just wrong to think it's a skill you learn and be done with it. You and your partner change daily. New experiences, forgotten ones, biological changes, even dreams. How to listen and talk is one method. How do they act when they feel emotions ? how do they react when you are having a bad day ? How do you react when you are not satisfied with their reaction to some news?
These awareness cost emotional effort. Their return is often being aware of your partners daily changes. While you can absolutely do sexuals favors in hopes of returning sexual favors, learning how to set them for more satisfying sexual adventures would probably be more healthy for your long term relationship.
You said you are ok with serving... You are providing sexual pleasure when you are not desiring it yourself. You are just serving sex dude. It is what it is. You are just acting like a masturbation vending machine at that point. Unless you are into it as well, it's just masturbation with extra steps.
Companionship has a basic rule that says both sides are equal in the social contract. You are not a companion if you are serving someone. You are a servant. A dynamic that routinely puts you in the position of a servant, is not a healthy one.
idk if i'm supposed to admire you or feel bad for you. what you're saying in this thread is honestly spot on and mostly aligns with my personal experiences.
the other people in here genuinely sound like the last time they were physically intimate with another person was when their mom kissed them goodnight decades ago. some of these guys say things that make it glaringly obvious that they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about
I was once stuck in the quagmire of anti-feminism as a teen bisexual fresh out of a marvelous fuck of a long term relationship with a girl. As an atheist during the early 2010s, atheist to anti-feminist pipeline got me real good lol.
It was just a guy in a forum now long shut that got me out of it. He took me seriously, replied to everything I've said bit by bit and I was left with nothing to say by the end of the day.
I can't do the same. I get angry way more easily and internet is now a much hostile place. But I try lol. 15 years and counting, I've like to think I've been a pretty positive influence on my circle both online and in real life :D all thanks to 1 anonymous guy lol.
yeah man i've been there too. interestingly, i almost went down the exact same path you did. except for me it wasn’t a random guy on the internet but an irl friend who kept challenging me on these stupid opinions. very grateful for that
Not really, you body has finite resources to generate stimuli that make you horny.
You have a built in bonk mechanism that will cool you off and tone down your attraction if you fuck enough.
Your body eventually become tolerant of the hormonal attraction as well if it's constant. There is a reason people say missing is essential to a healthy relationship. Your brain literally cools down during your seperation from your so. Even if it's just work or a couple weeks here and there.
Yeah no, there's no universe where getting rejected and stone walled at the same time is a positive response. This is max autism of not understanding social queues.
A rejection and stonewalling would be " I don't care. ", not "sad". Sad denotes that lack of sex with their partner to be something undesirable. Which is a positive thing from the POV of the poster assuming they want regular sex with this person afterwards.
Months of sexlessness can easily frustrate someone or generate distance and women are not sex dispensers that are ready to fuck with an hug and ass grab after months of no fucking. That's a vending machine, this is a human being.
Also from the comments I'm receiving, you guys never had sex ? It takes quite the emotional and physical preparation, especially if you've been dry for several months at this point. Not to mention the aftermath is often harder to deal with if it's been that long.
Funnily enough I have more experience in this than most people. Me and my partner have been without it for a long time since we had our first child. It's not a good thing, but we talk about it and joke about it openly. Not having sex for a long time is a pretty normal thing, it happens in a lot of relationships, but how it's communicated decides if it can be resolved or not.
They do. It's often caused by unsatisfactory arousal. If it's not a physical problem, it is often stress or bad experience during sex.
As with most things in a relationship, it's often more easily solved by talking and communication.
Pregnancy, post pregnancy changes like divided attention and physical exhaustion, not enough of foreplay ( both ways), dishonesty about kinks and boundaries, lack of confidence after big physical changes and many more reasons exist for months long dry periods aside from the "big stress" and "not being good at bad".
“Not a lot of people” is the key part. Pregnancy and post pregnancy i get it. But like for the other issues it seems to me more of a someone with more mental vulnerabilities than typical person. Like i am personally going to serve my partner even though i struggle with self image and stress, i couldnt image ignoring their needs for months. Getting hard might be impossible but theres other ways i can put effort in to please them.
You can't expect her to get into the mood after that long from just a hug and ass grab out of nowhere...
maybe I'm out of my mind here but I feel like it is a shared responsibility.
it can't be all on him. if you're married then you are one. that's the point.
I've been drawing comparisons in my head? I'd probably remind myself about the parts of her (looks, personality, values) that are otherwise rare to find.
I've been getting attention from someone who's conventionally more attractive? The excitement of something like this is not worth giving up on years of memories with my partner. I'd remind myself that. Besides, this'd probably make me work on finding newer ways to make my current relationship with my partner more exciting.
I feel like a lot of these “dead bedroom” relationships are people who are settling for someone they’re not really attracted in the first place just losing the will to put in the effort to force it. I feel like there’s not a lot of dead bedrooms among fit attractive people.
That or people just fucking up their libidos with SSRI’s
SSRIs nuked my libido. I'm a high libido person. I had ZERO when on them. Its one of the reasons I decided to look for an alternative, SSRIs sucked. Even if I tried, I couldn't orgasm.
They have supplemental and alternative medications to help with these effects. Functional mental health medication and boners are not mutually exclusive.
I've been on them for years it has been incredibly helpful for me and while it did not affect my libido it did make it more difficult to cum. Eventually that got to be a bit of a problem so I switched to a different one and it lessened the effect quite a bit and also switch to taking it at night which helped a lot, it's still a little more difficult to finish but not a whole lot and that does mean I can go longer so it has kind of a half upside for me at least.
Second thing and also, people have different libidos.
When i'm getting to know a girl, one of the things i consider is her sexual habits. In my case at least, if she has a low libido i'm not interested in commitment, since It would become a problem for both of us.
I have both male and female friends with different preferences, i've known relationships where the girl wants more than the boy feels like and viceversa.
The only dorito-esque thing in the post is someone sitting and watching Netflix on their phone ? lol. What goes together better than junk food and Netflix
I put most of the blame on OP. This is not how you approach this situation. Tell wife you want to go out on a night you’re both free and have a lot of time. You need to take her to do something enjoyable. Go out to eat somewhere nice and inexpensive, then take her for a walk in the park after. Try to have some fun and make it an enjoyable experience. Then you take her home, pull out some wine and throw on Netflix and snuggle. Make sure to watch a nothing movie/show that requires no real attention. Then all you have to say is “I love you” and stare at her.
Once the spark is lit the fire may go for multiple days/weeks. Sex will be easier to get because she’s fallen in love again. Once things start lagging behind repeat the process but change venues.
Vacations may also work but unless you’re exorbitantly wealthy don’t use this as a crutch.
If that doesn’t work you’re too far gone. I’d recommend you start fucking dudes or get a divorce.
Why did you immediately jump to anon having to do a pre flight checklist for the possibility of sex? He asked her a question, she gave a single word answe and did nothing to either change the situation or talk with him about her needs.
Relationships are a two way street and seeing these comments about how the guy didnt "prime" her is wild.
Fucking thank god there’s someone else in this comment section with a modicum of intelligence. Who’s to say OP wasn’t doing all this already? What about her? Is she just the gatekeeper and guardian of sex? Is a woman’s job somehow now to simply sit back and watch as her male jester performs meticulously and perfectly while she does absolutely nothing to warrant this kind of effort? Comment section is full of fucking bird propaganda “no bro you can’t just grab her ass without setting up a beautiful nest decorated with colorful river rocks and zip ties and performing a well-practiced dance first and expect sex after”
Yeah, people who are in a relationship, obviously did a number of things to be attractive to their partner. Once you're committed to the other person, obviously it's normal to act differently around each other, but it's easy to take the attraction you built for each other for granted and to stop doing things that keep the fire alive.
Believe it or not, squeezing a woman's ass or even her boobs, is often not stimulating in and of itself. Physical stimulation is not usually the best method to start out with either.
Women might only like that feeling or behavior when actually in bed.
Starting a conversation with a complaint is also not stimulating lol.
I can tell that you have never touched a woman before, or that you are a woman yourself which automatically makes any advice you might give to men invalid.
Im genuinely confused as to how advice a woman gives to a man about how to turn on women is useless, and that advice men give to men about how to turn on a woman is valuable? I cant wrap my head around it
Unless this is all about how a man can turn on a man
No its very simple actually women say they are attracted to nice guys and then go get themselves fucked by assholes. I have been an asshole since I started university and I got laid more frequently than ever. Women say that you should always ask for consent but it is a massive turn off for both parties if you outright ask something like that, so my advice is to never ask for consent, just read her body language.
In short, women are almost never honest with what turns then on and SOME women are almost never honest on top of this. So as a rule of thumb about sex, I never trust what women say but trust what women do. I have had a fwb for a year now and every time I outright talk to her about doing something she goes "ew" but when I actually do that something in bed she goes "keep goingg".
Also size matters, a lot. Anyone who disagrees with this statement is not trustable. I dont have that big of a junk myself, so I can tell you that it is a lot harder to make them climax. You can make them cum but it takes a lot more effort and knowledge and they will prefer a bigger dick at any chance they will get. Game is game, yall stay safe
in my experience size only matters up to a point, after that bigger isnt actually helpful for climax, its more about endurance and how well you can find the right flow with the girl
not once during sex did I wish for a bigger sword, but holding out for longer and having more control on the other hand would always be welcome
My ex wife never initiated and rare accepted. She’d always have an excuse or a reason for being mad at me about something. Long story short, I realize she is a complete narcissist and actually enjoyed torturing me with this and making me feel bad about it. It really caused me some mental health issues. We are separated now and I’ve found someone who enjoys sex as much as I do.
Grabs ass “we don’t fuck enough babe”, zero initiative for spark or romance, cant understand wife’s refusal of advances when all she gets out of this transaction is lackluster peen
Oh yea for sure! I just wanted to contrast because I thought it was interesting, when this Redditor thought about OPs penis he imagined a lack luster penis, perhaps this Redditor imagined a meek and slouchy shaft and excessive hood skin.. or maybe they were thinking of the proportions like the head wasn’t that much more prominent than the shaft or when propped against the balls the size comparison was noticeable… I mean there’s no telling what aspects of another man’s penis this Redditor was envisioning that they went with lack luster which was interesting because I came away with an entirely different impression.
Not necessarily, its pretty easy for women to go months to even a year or so not really thinking about sex, years plural if she has children
This is more an indicator that something is terribly wrong in the relationship that needs discussed than cheating
Ive seen this exact thing in person multiple times. Its actually most of the straight relationships I’ve seen. Husband does or doesn’t do something that makes him unattractive to wife, wife’s libido drops like rock. This can go years without being properly addressed.
I don’t understand why I’m getting down voted, I’m just sharing a different perspective. Anti depressants are recognised to affect drive, as well as poor mental health
This is actually part of why I didn't initiate sex often, he would insult me and say I deserved to be hurt and then 20 minutes later come for a hug and a butt grab and then get sad that it didn't immediately lead to sex.
Yeah some people are low libido or a-sexual.. but also yeah need to really dive into that with whomever you're with because that really sucks if you're high libido.
Yknow what thinking about it I genuinely think that approach might have worked if it were the intro. Now, probably not, as OP has introduced sex as a problem to wife
Growing resentment. She's not sad about the lack of sex per se. She's sad about her lack of attraction to him building and building, because he's not showing her the kind of actions or words that make him an attractive person she wants to sleep with.
We are sensory creatures. Just grabbing my ass doesn't do it for me. I don't get turned on point blank. I need time, intimacy, sensory experiences that build into being turned on.
Ive spoke about it in posts before how women’s stimulation is more emotive/mental before physical/visual gets meaningful, and you have to build up to it. That may sound like bs to the inexperienced or woo woo gender shit, but its real.
Trans people are very valuable studies in this. Ive had multiple MtF individuals talk to me with shock and surprise that they overall, could take or leave sex. They don’t get randomly horny very often anymore if at all, and visuals or physical stim without other factors do nothing for them. They report needing to be properly ‘warmed up’ mentally and emotionally into it before they actively want to have sex rather than feel neutrality to it.
On the opposite end, FtM have been reported to be very shocked at how often they think about sex. Further in, its went from only now and then to every minute or so. They’re getting horny at the suggestion of a curve or imagining that absolutely normal looking woman across the train being bent over by themselves. They’re far far more visual than before and even being looked at suggestively is enough to pop em, like teenaged boys.
If you want a woman to want to have sex w you, you have to make her feel safe and loved before desired. Its even harder when she’s on BC, it mutes libido. Ovulation is the only time where women seem to have a way more spontaneous vs responsive desire as a whole and BC stops it from happening (for good reason!)
Bro why is everyone being so gay about a damn green text…
🧐 “in typical sapien hetero breeding patternships there’s often a… deriliction of the specificitudes of being a completely cuck.. we can tell op is a cuck with smallus peniuss syndrome because he’s a male and has issues with his relationship. 🤓 there fore we can postulate through the ‘im a redditor, therefore I have good sensibilities theorem, and find the solution is he’s a narcissist chudicus which when we check our work; man has problem in relationship:man has penis: man is locus of problem on relationship.. and yup checks out.. 🤓
While some medications and birth control can influence sex drive and libido. Just honking a tit and thinking about sex out loud is very low effort and deserves just that kind of response. Just think about the junk romance novels they like to read that gets them going. They need romance and more mentally to get there.
Anon finally pulled himself away from his greasy computer after a wicked 10 hour sesh, tells his wife they should have sex more, she becomes paralyzed by his breath and freezes in terror. Traumatize she sits down in front of Netflix with anime that’s been on for days.
I mean my wife and I have had a shit year, with an eviction right after Christmas, moving in with our inlaws, my crazy work schedule, depression, and sleeping in a full size bed with a toddler. We both want to, but right now we just really can't. Life happens and sometimes you have to table things until life improves.
Its different for everyone especially at older ages. But yes its not common to go months without sex unless theres some other issues going on like health or mental state
Dude needs to turn off all devices and actually communicate with her and make sure she's communicating back. Understand where each other is at, what they are thinking about. Don't ask the f'n internet.
If she’s still sad it means she still cares. Take initiative and talk about it, make it happen if she doesn’t take the initiative. Communication is 110%
Love how anon makes no attempt to be intimate or romantic and just says they aren't fucking much any more like she would say she agrees and jump him bones
tannedface-@reddit
I know this is r/greentext so we’re obviously all khhhhhhhvs, but is a lack of sex a deal breaker for you guys?
TheTwistedHero1@reddit
Very much depends on the relationship. For some its 100% optional. For others its a core aspect of intimacy
Tokarev490@reddit
For months is crazy unless it’s a very irregular relationship
KingOfSpiderDucks@reddit
I recently had sex for the first time this year and this isn't too wild of a deviation from our (12 year relationship) usual pattern.
Depression can do some real damage to your libido.
verbmegoinghere@reddit
Over 35 years there have been droughts and floods of biblical proportions. Like porn star levels and then it's like Mars and all the moisture and atmosphere has turned everything into a barren waste.
So so many things get in the way of sex:
soyyoluca@reddit
dont forget fluoride and 5G!
PervertedPope@reddit
If I ever found out my parents listed me trying to off myself under annoying reasons they can't have sex i'm burning the entire house down with everyone inside lmao
limitedregrett@reddit
To add to the list - ‘just showered’
verbmegoinghere@reddit
There was a time in my life just showered meant time I jump her hard before she got her work gear on. And even then it usually meant a second shower. Which then sometimes resulted in a third shower.
If there is anything I can in part to you kids is have lots of cameras recording those times (with documented consent, on both sides and a single storage that she can access as well in the event she wants to nuke it, don't be a dick and spread any of that stuff coz you got your heart broken).
BoiTarantado@reddit
My depression does the opposite
frecklie@reddit
Ouch. So which of you is too depressed to have sex and which of you is not having their sexual needs be met?
KingOfSpiderDucks@reddit
Both at the same time lol
aardvarkgecko@reddit
Match made in heaven.
The-Squirrelk@reddit
more like a match made in limbo
mati1428@reddit
Limbido
an_older_meme@reddit
Lambada!
Dave5876@reddit
Calm down "Kevin"
novff@reddit
Мы танцуем у бара.
LowerObjective4500@reddit
im crucified!
crucified!
like my savior!
thegoosegoblin@reddit
Europop mentioned 🗣️🗣️
Head-Pound-2803@reddit
Crucio!
HanSW0L0@reddit
Match made in purgatory
CanadianJokerr@reddit
I'm currently in the exact same situation. I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I can hardly get into the mood while she can't get out of it. I feel super bad and I'm not sure what to do about it. Shit sucks man
aczkasow@reddit
Yep. Also the anti-depression pills kinda work on top of that too.
IM_INSIDE_YOUR_HOUSE@reddit
Similar situation.
LabCoatGuy@reddit
I am experiencing this as well, Prozac and depression will do that.
You are not alone in this experience
Dr_DownVoter@reddit
I have a depressed spouse so instead I goon my feelings away and then the once in a blue moon sex happens my death grip gives me ED :D
frecklie@reddit
A dark take indeed
jontss@reddit
Lucky you.
Been 4 years for me. I consider us room mates now.
nederlance2018@reddit
Why are you in this relationship?
jontss@reddit
Why does anyone have room mates? Cheaper rent.
ugottagetschwiftyyy@reddit
Bro, did you guys talk about expectations of each other? Are you guys still loughing together? Do you enjoy each other's company? You guys need to talk honestly, probably with someone who can mediate for you too. Good Luck.
belada01@reddit
Felt that. 6 times in the last 6 calendar years to this point. I love my wife but its a challenge.
wordjedi@reddit
I feel your pain my brother, but a voice in my head would be screaming "I don't need a fucking platonic roommate - I was comfortable and always had money before this!"
Not to reductio ad absurdum anyone's marriage, but
Darkndankpit@reddit
If the only thing that separates a platonic and romantic relationship to you is sex, I'm sorry to tell you that you have been doing it wrong. Romantic affection isn't only physical, and not everyone even has sexual needs.
I'm not saying you're crazy or anything, just a bit odd of a statement.
Towbee@reddit
Sex is like the lowest thing on my intimacy list and most of my girlfriends have been dumfounded by it and some even thought I was gay and just looking for a token girlfriend to help hide it or whatever
Kinda wish I could just be a foaming at the mouth hormdog sometimes but it just doesn't work that way for me lol
Naxant@reddit
I feel the same. Even thought about hopping on TRT to just maybe improve it
bunchedupwalrus@reddit
There’s nothing wrong with being asexual or on that spectrum, if you’re happy then you just gotta find someone on the same wavelength
That said, are you happy? Sexual desire, libido, physical attraction is a core component for the majority of people. For the majority of people, it does indicate a physical or mental health condition which is suppressing it. Maybe not TRT, but it’s worth it to get a checkup and blood panel done if you haven’t
Towbee@reddit
I've been down that road of thought myself but I know that isn't the issue personally as my levels are normal, it's just who I am
Shedding that shame and figuring out who I am, and becoming comfortable with it was difficult but rewarding
I'm now single, no sex life and happier than I've ever been than when I was telling myself "no, you need a partner, you need sex, be normal, that's what normal is"
Don't get me wrong, I really miss intimacy as a whole, especially just being close with someone in the silence and enjoying each others presence - but previously I conflated that feeling with the desire to have sex which was a pattern I was trying to force so I could be more 'sex driven' like a 'normal' man, because what normal man wants to cuddle and talk but not bone?
So I might be living a lonelier life, but I'm not longer living a lie to myself or stressing out over something that for me is quite fluid, my libido can have me cranking it out 3 times a day and then I'll have no interest for weeks and some people are just this way, our sex drives - just like our personalities and experiences, aren't static, but so many people treat them as constants
Personally seeing a psych helped me normalise my own thought patterns and reduce the internalised shame from years of media exposure and being made to feel wrong, and gaining a new understanding & perspective of myself was incredibly eye opening and liberating.
Though if you believe the libido may be medically related it sure is worth checking out, just go to a professional and don't take it upon yourself to treat it especially when it comes to things like hormones - don't fuck with your natural systems until they need fucking with, if you think they need fucking with get them checked
Braindeadkarthus@reddit
Depending on specifics, you sound like most in the asexual community tbh. Ive personally parroted several of your talking points like wishing I had more of that drive as a motivator. Might help ya order your thoughts a bit and get a different perspective just to look into it.
Dixo0118@reddit
Sounds like you're this guys wife.
sleepingjiva@reddit
This. I literally can't get it up anymore because of the cancer I have, but my relationship with my wife is far from platonic. I don't kiss and caress and squeeze my bros.
anyosae_na@reddit
I don't think it's as odd as you believe it is. I've seen this play out in my own and other people's relationships. If there was a pattern of regular sex beforehand and that stops, people tend to give up on the romance too.
Again, I feel like you're talking about a minority of a minority. Most people do have sexual needs, majority of couples start out their relationships having regular sex. If said regular sex eventually reduces in frequency, people's romantic proclivities reduce in kind.
I recently came out of a long term relationship, and I honestly feel like I'm rediscovering my sexuality, my sensuality and my taste for romance. You can only be so romantic to your partner if your needs are being rebuffed.
hhhnnnnnggggggg@reddit
Getting downvoted for speaking the truth.
Nulgarian@reddit
Agree with you, a healthy relationship includes mental, emotional, and physical intimacy. If you don’t have all 3, in my opinion your relationship will struggle
It’s entirely valid that your partner may go through a rough patch and have lower libido, and you should support them every step of the way, but 6 years is not a rough patch, that’s the natural state of things, and you shouldn’t expect it to get better all of a sudden
onarainyafternoon@reddit
This is a great comment. You've hit the nail on the head.
MinuetInUrsaMajor@reddit
What about getting afraid of the dark?
onarainyafternoon@reddit
Hey man, I hope you understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex in your relationship, and there is nothing wrong with it being a deal breaker. Intimacy is extremely important. Any therapist worth their salt would tell you that.
DBSPingu@reddit
I was with my first ex for 6+ years, we met in hs. I ended it because we did not have sex a single time
Wasted prime horny years (16-22) on that, will never go through that again
ronshasta@reddit
Jesus man I’m sorry but that’s sad
DBSPingu@reddit
I’m in a relationship where this is no longer a problem but I honestly should have ended things after highschool, definitely missed out on parts of college life because of this though lmao
GrayCustomKnives@reddit
Honestly you are a better man than me. Or at least more willing to sacrifice your own needs. I would have been out more than 5 years ago.
TheDeadlyZebra@reddit
That's abusively neglectful. I pray you get more pussy, bro.
MechwolfMachina@reddit
Stories like yours are why a lot of dudes(more chad than your avg) have a hard time committing
cepukon@reddit
Yes, but then they miss out on being loved which is honestly way worse.
Bloodhoven_aka_Loner@reddit
doing nothing about it does far greater damage.
Pure_Cartoonist9898@reddit
Depression, stress, post natal issues, lots of possibilities can cause dry spells
DoGooder00@reddit
Good sex can do wonders for depression, they’ve done a few studies where I couple scheduled sex every day and eventually after a month or two they both reported a huge increase in libido and mental health
Responsible_Meet_528@reddit
Hey, know this thread is probably dead but I feel you. Married, in love, attracted to each other but it is hard when you are both depressed. We aren’t to this extreme but I get it. I appreciate you sharing.
Mar3czek@reddit
I take bupropion for depression and it made my already high libido even higher to the point it becomes annoying and distracting. Lack of girlfriend doesn't help either.
cantstopwontstopGME@reddit
Can confirm
My partner deals with down spells by withdrawing emotionally and sexually… and I am very much hyper sexual when I’m in my valleys.
Opposites attract amirite
pickled_green_olives@reddit
I had problems with my girlfriend (now broken up) and we had sex like once a week. Maybe three times a week if we had a good week.. I just like having sex a lot. And like you said, she withdrew due to depression, meanwhile depression makes me hornier than ever.
I can understand lack of sex in certain contexts like sickness, after pregnancy, etc. But I think that generally healthy couples should try to at least match libidos. Obviously things happen and you have to stick with it but it's kinda weird when you read subreddits like deadbedrooms and see people complaining about not having sex for like 5 years. It throws me off completely.
Not like I can't imagine it... I understand and I empathize but I can't imagine myself in that situation.
cantstopwontstopGME@reddit
Yeah I’m unfortunately on the road to where once a week would be a step in the right direction.
Not to air out all my dirty laundry.. but yeah…
deucescarefully@reddit
My guy I know your pain. There should be support groups for us.
x7n1nj47x@reddit
Depression and medication that kills libido. Tough battle, and yeah sometimes it's hard not to take personally despite knowing better.
ItsMichaelRay@reddit
Happy Cake Day!
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
Tell me you don’t have kids without telling me
PushPullLego@reddit
I have 2 kids and we have fucked 3 times a week since we were married 17 years ago.
You have to make time and energy for it.
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
Yes you definitely fucked 3 times a week post partum. And everyone clapped.
PushPullLego@reddit
Well clearly we took a break for her to heal. But otherwise yes we did.
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
No way … so you would say there were time where you didn’t have sex for a few months?
PushPullLego@reddit
Go back and read the OP. You are truly regarded if you think the OP was talking about post partum.
Sorry you don't have sex dude. No it's not normal to stop fucking in a healthy relationship.
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
Way to move the goalposts to suit yourself. Truly the hallmark of a good debater. Go back and read the comment I replied to. Getting downvoted on this sub is not worse than looking as dumb as you
PushPullLego@reddit
And certainly not as bad as not getting sex. Enjoy fucking your hand I guess.
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
At no point did I say I didn’t have sex, I said there are times in your life where not having sex for months isn’t abnormal. I can’t teach reading comprehension to you. I can keep having a normal amount of sex and also be smarter than you which is the most satisfying
Tall_Donkey_7816@reddit
They did it 3 times when she was in labor bro trust him
Nothing_Playz361@reddit
I don't think your partner not being attracted to you anymore is something to brag about here, that's just sad
also just because you have a sexless life, doesn't mean you should ridicule those who do, and then blame your kids lol
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
Who is bragging? Not having sex for months is normal in certain stages of a long term relationship. A lot of sexless dudes projecting their insecurities onto me doesn’t phase me at all. Someday you’ll understand
Nothing_Playz361@reddit
No, but the way you phrased your edit comes off as obnoxious that it sounds like you're bragging, why call people who disagree with you "childless boomers" and "sexless dudes projecting insecurities"?
I know a couple who have kids and still find some time for intimacy. Some people want sex for emotional or physical connection, so it's understandable if relationships stale after a long period of sexlessness, from both men and women.
You have a point, so do the people here, you're just being an ass about it.
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
My 150 downvotes came before you even showed up so your point is moot. This isn’t the sub for rational discourse. Relationships are for sex only and if you don’t have sex every night you’re sad and if you even mention otherwise you’re bragging about being a loser who doesn’t fuck his wife all the time. You don’t even have kids so why the fuck would I even listen to you?
Alexzander1001@reddit
You really flexing your dead sex life?
CrystalFriend@reddit
Hes gotta have something to boast about.
Even if its kinda sad and pitiful
BlitzShooter@reddit
Nothing sad about raising kids.. But flexing a dead bedroom is weird.
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
How was that a flex? Fucking zoomers can’t read without ai
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
No but it’s not irregular with kids not my fault you’re all zoomers here
Gods_Umbrella@reddit
Excuse you, some of us enjoy our lives
Piyachi@reddit
In fairness a lot of this depends upon number of kids and their age. Oh you have two under 3 years old? Nah, enjoy being a celibate monk. Have one who is 7? Bang away playa
Soldier_of_l0ve@reddit
Yeah this is what I meant. It’s not forever but not irregular to go a few months without sex
The_salty_swab@reddit
What a fucking loser lol. Having kids never stopped me
OcelotSlight7892@reddit
Well yeah he already said he’s married
Usurper01@reddit
I came out of an 18 month relationship still a virgin.
Even my mom was like "damn bro what are you guys doing?"
26_paperclips@reddit
Replace sex with any other achievable activity.
"Its been ages since we went for a nice walk together" wife agrees and turns on television
Hackeringerinho@reddit
Damn, that somehow sounds worse.
dominantfrog@reddit
agreed i think that sounds worse lmao
mudlark092@reddit
Yeah but, don’t you wonder why?
I’ve been having a hard time having sex with my partner ever since I injured my spine, specifically my sacrum, it appears to impact my libido. Also have depression issues but I physically can’t feel as much down there a decent amount of the time. I guess the nerves that go through the sacrum can impact all sorts of things down there.
I’ve been having issue walking frequently because of the same cause. I get sciatic nerve pain on/off that flares up the more physically active I am.
It sucks. I feel sad about it. If I was having a particularly difficult moment… I’d probably be like uh.. haha yeah. I’m feeling sad about it… Would definitely just make me feel sadder to talk about it specifically in the context of sex and make me feel pressured and reduce my drive even less, despite my partners attempts. And I’d probably distract myself with something after.
It wouldn’t make my partner “evil” in this scenario but. Maybe the focus of this discussion shouldn’t be “Hey we should have more sex” but instead on the other partners wellbeing.
Ultimately something is causing their decline in sex and focusing on the sex itself can just cause more shame and discomfort.
It’s like saying “hey we haven’t been on a walk in a minute” to someone whos been having a hard time using their legs. I would assume something libido related is going on whether its depression, stress, hormonal, or even genuine disinterest in their partner.
Situations like this can be complex and suck.
dominantfrog@reddit
yeah honestly, id like to be desired for my body as well as my mind, i dont work out just to not be fat lol
razordragon430@reddit
Yes
Huuballawick@reddit
In my opinion as a neuro-divergent bi woman, the only thing differentiating a romantic relationship from a close friendship is physical intimacy. If the physicality is gone, you're basically just a close friend who can now not have sex with anyone else either.
26_paperclips@reddit
By this interpretation, how would you differentiate a romantic relationship from a friends with benefits relationship?
Huuballawick@reddit
I wouldn't.
No-Play2726@reddit
Yes. Physical intimacy is required for a healthy relationship. It is not the main component but it is very important. Otherwise you're just roommates.
Working-Tomato8395@reddit
My wife and I go at it between one and four times a day even if we're in a foul mood. I have friends who haven't had sex with their spouses for over a year and my wife and I are very clearly doing better than they are. Lack of sex would definitely be a dealbreaker. I can deal with my own shit if my wife is sick or working, but sex is a must-have. when we're both available.
novff@reddit
A romance without Eros is platonic, and at that point we're not a couple, we're roommates.
KazakiriKaoru@reddit
Unless you're super busy, it's understandable. But the wife here has time to watch netflix while the husband is asking about sex. It it were me, I'd look into getting a divorce because I'm not going to be labelled a cheater if this keeps going on.
FunCryptographer7625@reddit
I thought this way too untit I got in a long term relationship myself, and even though we don't have sex very often, and being somewhat sexually frustrated (we have sex like twice a month), I still love her and I'm happy with this life despite that con. Nothing is that black and white
pillarhuggern@reddit
At some point you just become roommates. Nothing wrong with people moving on when sexual desire disappears in a relationship. For some it’s a big deal and for some it’s less.
hhhnnnnnggggggg@reddit
Roommates don't sleep in the same bed together or snuggle and kiss.
Unless....?
Wanna be my roommate bro?
sancredo@reddit
They dont? But my uncle told me it's commonplace!
mudlark092@reddit
People act like sex is the only type of physical intimacy, or the only intimacy to be had at all, and wonder why their partner has grown distant from them.
It’s not like its the only factor in a solution… Shit happens. But it makes you wonder.
ryanpn@reddit
Wife is visibly distant in the relationship, what do you do
1) talk to her like an adult
2) start groping her
Klendy@reddit
OP did both!
mudlark092@reddit
I disagree. Leading with sex can just further put pressure onto having sex, and the conversation becomes about sex and not how the partner is doing.
We have an extremely narrow window of the situation but I would assume depression or something is going on, or maybe they’re drifting apart or something.
Focusing the conversation on sex can just create more shame and guilt and create pressure to have sex and make it feel even harder to want to have it because it can start to feel like an obligation instead of something done spontaneously between partners, particularly if someone is already depressed, distant, or otherwise stressed it can paradoxically exascerbate it.
Not to say that OOP is evil or whatever for making the “wrong choice”, but “Hey, how have you been feeling lately? You feel distant, is everything okay?” - probably would’ve been a better place to start
Klendy@reddit
HONK HONK
TIME FOR MAN MILK DELIVERY
sancredo@reddit
Now this is how you tackle lack of sex in a relationship.
MechwolfMachina@reddit
How does it get to this point though? If you’re in a committed relationship shouldn’t you always have some way to invigorate the relationship? Mentor of mine has been married like 40 yrs, he and the wife still go out on dates (with each other)
Nowadays I see couples with kids in their 30s who look visibly cold towards each other almost like they’re siblings or roommates
wellwellwelly@reddit
Kids. You answered your own question. Kids.
Kids are a huge strain on any physical intimacy. You have to be pretty strong minded and selfless to accept that things will eventually get better in bed with no actual end in sight.
It's not always the case though, obviously. Some people fucking love shagging and knocking out more kids.
beepbeepbaicai@reddit
(peri)menopause might change everything.
Malvastor@reddit
You should, yes, but if you've spent 10 years not building that kind of engagement with each other you won't be able to just turn it on like a switch.
Hackeringerinho@reddit
Different people, different situations.
Knew people who dated each other at 50, got divorced at 52 because the guy had been cheating for the last 5 years. What I mean to say is that there often is trash under the hood
Laiko_Kairen@reddit
That's not where I thought it was going
I knew a couple who divorced at about 50. 2 years later, they remarried because they missed each other lmao
kempol@reddit
redditors think touching your wife is groping her lol
ryanpn@reddit
If you have a healthy sexual relationship, then no I wouldn't call it that.
cocofan4life@reddit
Yeah like do they think you need permission everytime you need to touch? That sounds so autistic.
If she says no, just put ya hands away. It's not that hard.
somanoctis@reddit
"autistic" Sir this is reddit
Mezzoski@reddit
Next day after my wife call it groping after I touch her ass, I am filling for divorce.
At this point we are strangers living together.
StandardN02b@reddit
That's just skinship? Maried couples do that.
escudonbk@reddit
ceilingkat@reddit
I wonder if anyone here is in a relationship. Because lack of interest in sex can be tied to depression, stress, or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Your first thought shouldn’t be divorce, it should be support.
Laiko_Kairen@reddit
Look at this woman
Loving her husband in sickness and in health like some kind of normie
Let us mock her successful marriage
JudsonIsDrunk@reddit
Did you just assume her gender!?
BooT013@reddit
Thats simply how the average redditor in relationshipadvice sees relationships and resorts to giving divorce/break up advice the moment they hear a single hiccup
AntiSaintJimmy@reddit
Saw a post on here recently where people were telling a lady she should leave her cancer afflicted husband because he chose not to get treatment (probably to avoid leaving a mountain of debt for his wife when he passes). Even after she made it clear she wouldn’t be doing that. A lot of people on this site are genuinely just insane
yaxis50@reddit
Imagine if he lost his job and you left him you mean...
ceilingkat@reddit
How do you think he switched careers? I supported the family on my single income so he could go back to school. Love is about more than money and sex. I have his back and he has mine. I wish it on everyone.
yaxis50@reddit
I wish this was the rule and not the exception
MechwolfMachina@reddit
Not sure why you’re being downvoted, I dated mid to late 20s girls who all passed on a second date because I didn’t make enough money, meanwhile i see couples less than 10 yrs into marriage pull up in $50,000 vehicles and they barely even look at each other
Objective-Lawyer5428@reddit
Because people started comparing - back in the 90s, he KPI was "happiness" and "duration" of the marriage, nobody care about shit under the hood.
Nowadays everybody is contantly comparing themselves to some type of media-representation.
KPIs are now income, frequency and diversity of sexual activity - men feel the need to be millionaires in ther 30s just to provide enough spending money and women often complain about being expected to look like super models while acting like AV models at home.
True love needs time to grow, mutual respect for and trust in each other - looking for "get happy quick" schemes will offer none of that and exhaust you emotionally at the same time.
MinosML@reddit
God bless your kind soul 🙂↕️ wish this was the norm He is a lucky man indeed
Guardiancomplex@reddit
You'll get labeled a cheater if you cheat on someone. Wtf is this baffling logic you've invented lol.
oceans159@reddit
honestly it depends. when i was younger, i would’ve said absolutely a dealbreaker. but now that im older, i know that health changes (especially hormonal changes in women, ie menopause) can really fuck up your libido.
for example, if my partner was receiving cancer treatment and couldn’t have sex, i would absolutely stay with them and probably not even mention it. it’s easy to “take care” of yourself too, sure it’s not the same, but you gotta compromise in long term relationships. i 100% value my partner over sex every single time.
that said, if you just start dating and your libidos are mismatched, that’s probably going to end up frustrating one of you. but libido also changes as we go through life, esp stress, children, psych medication, etc. so honestly i think you have to get over it as the high libido partner (talking from personal experience, from both sides) and take care of your own urges. it’s not fair to put the responsibility on someone who can’t handle it at that point in time
outland_king@reddit
Have this same experience. Its a no win situation, you either suffer in silence or say something and she holds it against me for a week, somehow its my fault even though I took her out to a nice restaurant and dancing, flowers the whole deal.
NotZalgo@reddit
Relationships with little sex always end in a breakup/divorce or bitterness
vellox89@reddit
Yes, yes it is a deal breaker. Why wouldnt you want to make your partner a little happy? Life sucks already and he probably works hard and brings home a check. If both of youre bringing a check home, why wouldnt you make a little time for your partner??? Is it really so much to have sex with the person you married or are in a relationship with. You picked your partner and it only takes a little bit to make him real happy and is literally one of the best things you can do for him as long as youre not leading him on or using him as a atm, make him a little bit happy☺️
Successful_Algae958@reddit
Yes
Guglielmowhisper@reddit
Could be, if there wasn't a good reason.
Peen_Round_4371@reddit
It'd be like saying "we haven't smiled or laughed together in a while"
It ain't mandatory but it makes the relationship feel healthy
Lev--@reddit
aint no woman getting with my black ass unless shes hungry for sex in the first place so if she stops, it's OVER
Motor_Eye6263@reddit
I thought it would be but here I am
MisterAppletini@reddit
Happy for you?
Motor_Eye6263@reddit
Shouldn't be
ConscientiousPath@reddit
100%. Medical conditions aside, no sex and I'm leaving to find strange cause you've already left.
Men need it as much as you need safety, comfort, support, and love. It's critical to men's sense of wellbeing and feelings of intimacy, connection and commitment towards you, so if you skip it those will slowly die. If you're out of commission downstairs from pregnancy or illness, you should be taking care of your man other ways so he knows you're still committed to the relationship. He needs to see that you're eager to make him cum in order for him to stay eager to make you happy.
mudlark092@reddit
Hopefully by “other ways” you mean like the devotion of taking care of your child that she was pregnant with for 9 months, right?
Maybe men are just commonly neglected in other areas of intimacy and thus only know how to seek out that intimacy through sex?
Kenobus69@reddit
At least for me, those other forms of intimacy work only when I'm already getting enough sex.
When I'm blue balled, it only leads to further frustration and sadness. Like I can physically feel, that my body is protesting even though I understand.
For instance, my to-be-wife was recently sick for about two weeks, and I didn't want to put additional pressure on her, so I wasn't demanding or even suggesting sex. But towards the end, I could feel my mental health to decline, which was...unusual. I was fine, until I got aroused, and then with a single turn down, my head went to shit.
I'd also like to state, that I'd never leave my partner, as I love her. Even if somehow we no longer could have sex, I wouldn't want to leave.
But for men, sex is really important, it's like a reset button. And other forms of intimacy, at least for some, are a bonus, rather than a replacement.
I noticed many women not getting this, same as many men not getting women in bed.
ConscientiousPath@reddit
Fuck no. I mean other sex acts. Men don't get to stop being husbands just cause you're pregnant, and you don't get to stop being a wife either.
If sex is a fucking chore for you, then your relationship is already garbage and he should leave you while he can still afford to.
No, this is completely the wrong way to think about this. Men are different from women, in both how we experience relationships and what our needs are.
It's true that men are neglected and dismissed at higher rates than women for all forms of intimacy, but that has nothing to do with why we need sex. Sex isn't a mere replacement or substitute for other types of intimacy. No, it is a core component of men having intimacy with their wife at all, and there is nothing wrong or defective about that connection.
It's hard for most women and some effeminate men to understand, but this has to do with the reality of how most men's minds function. It's good and adaptive for how we need to approach the world in order to succeed and in order to be what women need us to be.
icepickjones@reddit
If we went more than a week without it I'd probably get a divorce.
We've been married 15 years and go at it at least 2-3 times a week.
Happy_Ocelot_4945@reddit
Women are for breeding, men are for fun. So no not a deal breaker.
mudlark092@reddit
High testosterone is the major influencer for high libido… so I would wager that maybe men are more for breeding.
ryanpn@reddit
Note taken, start fucking dudes
Judah_Earl@reddit
Yes, why should I waste my time, money and resources on a relationship if I'm not even getting a morning blow-job out of it?
mudlark092@reddit
Relationships shouldn’t be transactional to begin with
cat_pavel@reddit
Sex is important, but what if your partner doesn't want it? Having sex with someone who isn't turned on just feels wrong and sad.
_nathata@reddit
I'd say it's not even about sex, it's about the indicator that something is off.
wordjedi@reddit
Yeah unless they have a medical problem or a somatopsychic condition where their brain is being flooded with cortisol from work stress or whatever, there's more going on
mudlark092@reddit
I mean I would say something like stress from work or whatever could be the something more thats going on, and it’s important to talk to your partner about that. Can just be difficult to if its prompted in relation to sex instead of in relation to how your partner is doing.
Sir_Daxus@reddit
Yeah, it's not the lack of sex itself, it's the fact that if your partner is unwilling to be intimate with you and your relationship isn't estaished as asexual one then something is clearly up
MisterAppletini@reddit
If I’m expected to be monogamous, yes. Even if given the hall pass, would still suck that my partner would not want intimacy. Just a huge turn off.
HerolegendIsTaken@reddit
Nah i couldn't care less about sex
Huge-Basket244@reddit
For me? No. I don't have a very strong libido. My wife does. We have sex like 3 times a month. We also work roughly 130 hours a week between the two of us, and run/work a really busy business.
Every time we go out to dinner we usually have a LONG sex session. That's enough for me. My wife is super hot at least to me so I should probably pump those numbers up forcher sake. Now, the lack of healthy communication would kill any relationship. I hope OP is larping, but it reads way too real.
mrlunes@reddit
No but when she agrees we aren’t having enough but then proceeds to endlessly scroll reels and ignores every advance I make, I start to feel disconnected. Magically it’s the man’s fault after several months when the relationship losses the spark.
Phoenixf1zzle@reddit
Yup. That intimacy is gone. First it's the sex, then the cuddles, then the kissing, then the hugs, then the hand holding and then you're get roommates before you actually split
Daniel_Melzer@reddit
If your partner rejects the Idea of sex for months, the guy is very likely the dealbreaker.
Prancer4rmHalo@reddit
Bro what.
Chakosa@reddit
Sex is the literal only thing that separates a relationship from a close friendship so uhhhh yeah.
Big-Onion-1725@reddit
only for aromantic people
GreenFriedTomato@reddit
Don’t be speaking nonsense like that
Bamboonicorn@reddit
Bro, just needs a coochie eating tutorial
cerberus_1@reddit
sex is like air, its not something you think about all that much until you're not getting any.
zw1ck@reddit
My wife is free use so I'm spoiled. Not sure how I'd handle no sex.
PFGtv@reddit
We all know, dude.
logaboga@reddit
since sex is a typical part of a human relationship and existence unless you’re like 85 or asexual, yes
MinuetInUrsaMajor@reddit
Yes. Which is weird because I have shit libido and ED currently so I’m the one in trouble if it’s a dealbreaker.
Fiercepaws@reddit
Besides connection with the partner through sex, I feel like sex is also a confirmation that your partner still finds you attractive. If I were with someone and we'd go from having sex to no more, then I'd feel sad. I would try to see if it's in my control or if I can help but otherwise, I'm out I guess
Tortoise_Knight@reddit
It is.
iSeize@reddit
Try having a difficult infant. It's not even on the radar
lad1dad1@reddit
yes, but mainly cause adults will not want to communicate what they want. instead of this dude asking his wife why she hasnt been as intimate recently, he just says it. and instead of her asking him to clarify (or say anything) she didnt. leading to them both pushing each other away slightly more
useroftheinternet95@reddit
Unless its because of a medical reason, im peacing out of a sexless relationship
IDrinkSulfuricAcid@reddit
Brother, sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker, let alone a total lack of sex
rip-droptire@reddit
Brain dead take. Relationships are not about box ticking and are an exercise in building something with another person, not everything needs to be perfectly in harmony
Objective-Lawyer5428@reddit
Thing is, in no other regard where there is "no perfect harmony" do we expect the partner to comply.
I don't like Yoga so my GF meets up with her class - she's not into cycling, so I ride with other people. All good.
But for sex we suddenly have to accept that expectations on both sides are not met, not further discuss and simply live with it? Why?
Why build a relationship on something that will eventually lead to both parties being unhappy?
Honestly, been there, done that - first few months we bonked like rabbits, then she wanted less and less. At some point, I stopped caring, stoped asking and suddenly she complained about me not finding her attractive anymore? Neither of us were happy but an hones discussion about the "why" could have saved us time and disappointment.
Laiko_Kairen@reddit
Relationships aren't about box ticking, no.
But thst doesn't mean people shouldn't have wants, needs, desires, or expectations.
IDrinkSulfuricAcid@reddit
Sorry to hear you interpreted it that way, but unfortunately, sex is important to me.
rip-droptire@reddit
And yet here you are posting on reddit. Clearly not important enough.
IDrinkSulfuricAcid@reddit
What a sad individual. Wish you the best
Danny-Fr@reddit
They sure got married because of sexual incompatibility. And stay married all this time because it was sexless.
There's absolutely no chance at all that something might have happened that would motivate this response.
We have all the context we need to reach a conclusion.
Jack-of-Hearts-7@reddit
Yes
undreamedgore@reddit
So long as I'm still masturbating no.
TheMorbidHobo@reddit
Nope. I want kisses and cuddles and other intimacy. I'm sure sex it great, but it'a not what I crave, it's nonexistance in my life isn't what keeps me up at night.
Majesty1337@reddit
sex ain't a major part of a relationship but if I'm never having any then it's enough of a possible deal breaker
Stea1thFTW18@reddit
yes, im hypersexual and going more than a week or two is rly frustrating and puts a lot of strain on the relationship. i'd have sex almost every day if my girlfriend would indulge. im a girl btw if that matters
rip-droptire@reddit
Fake: Obvious
Gay: Also obvious
Mr_Kittlesworth@reddit
Yep
Willundrskor@reddit
Good sex is like a reset button for your relationship/marriage. It's harder(near impossible) to repair rifts and real issues without intimacy. Obviously there are reasons for not having sex for a while but you better have some hellish resolve if you want to maintain a sexless relationship.
Trespeon@reddit
It’s not a deal breaker but it does add strain. I told my wife I won’t bother her about it as long as she doesn’t shame me for taking care of myself when I need it and she isn’t in the mood.
shoahunter@reddit
Like everything in a good relationship, it's about working well together along with some compromising.
Drastic contrasts in sex drives is no different than being with someone who wants to travel a lot if you have a phobia of flying.
DigitalBladedJay@reddit
Are the extra "h" in it leading back to past lives
AugustusClaximus@reddit
It should be. If you are having sex you just have a friend who gets jealous about how much time you spend with your other friends. What’s the point?
VictorVanguard@reddit
Absolutely
psychoCMYK@reddit
Why spend the rest of your life frustrated, sad, and sexless till old age takes it away for good?
doublex12@reddit
Yes obv
2polew@reddit
For whom it isnt
bendable_girder@reddit
Yes. For both of us. It's completely non-negotiable
RoarOfErde-Tyreene@reddit
Yes
applehecc@reddit
Well when it gets to be 6 months since the last time she's touched my wiener, yeah. I know I'm hot I don't need to feel like that.
TheDougio@reddit
Not for me, but I know some people is it a deal breaker, it really depends on the person. This would be a case where talking to your partner would be very helpful in determining if there's something wrong or if the partner just isn't the type to like sex and if this means they should reconsider their relationship
postmortemstardom@reddit
Depends a lot on why.
Lack of sex but lots of intimacy and affection? I'm quite fine.
Lack of intimacy and affection even with regular sex ? Im having a problem. .
IrregularrAF@reddit
My brother went with one of them estrogen maxxers and is surprised mf don’t want it up the ass constantly. Tough. ☹️
Kinslayer_89@reddit
Well yeah, it’s gonna be part of the expectation.
If you want no or little sex, you need to find a partner with the same wishes.
Otherwise it’s just not gonna work long term.
rustyguy76@reddit
The lack of sex might imply deeper problems with the relationship tho
Coopsolex@reddit
Obviously
divat10@reddit
I'd say that it is for most people, "lack of sex" is also subject to interpretation.
Shpleeblee@reddit
My situation is that we both grew to be too fat together. It's almost like only having the BBW category available. It's a huge turn off. It can easily be the same thing the other way.
OP however is likely getting cheated on.
postmortemstardom@reddit
A response like that would be positive for me. "Lack of sex in the last few months makes her sad" means she still cares. It sucks but lack of sex for you for months is also a lack of sex for her for months if she is not getting it from elsewhere in which case you have a bigger problem.
You can't expect her to get into the mood after that long from just a hug and ass grab out of nowhere...
Or you are really bad at sex...
outland_king@reddit
Says she is sad when pressed on the issue. Does nothing to change the situation .
Yeah this isnt healthy behaviors.
postmortemstardom@reddit
Saying she is sad is doing something to change the situation tho ? Even if it's 0.5 of a step, it's still a step. Especially since his actions can't also be counted as a proper step to establish communications.
Now he knows something is wrong with their relationship and it's not just his lacking sex drive.
We don't know anything but the post but; months of no sex, no talks about no sex during those months, his solution being a surprise sexual request and his response to stonewalling being "taking it personal" shows that there are indeed several ongoing problems in their relationship and the most major we can see is his pov which consists more of "I" than "us".
I'm not defending her, she might be far worse but just in this interaction, we see a man who makes it about himself which is not great behavior :/.
TroGinMan@reddit
Usually women withhold sex if you're not meeting their expectations. What I do during dry spells with the wife is cooking, chores, and stop playing video games without her asking. Taking her on dates helps to an extent but doing stuff really makes her happy
I wish I didn't have to do that, but shit gets done and she views me as a man that does what he needs to.
Like cleaning the bedroom, living room, and kitchen really does it lol
My experience tells me that women don't care if you're bad at sex as long as toys are involved, they really care about how they view you as a man. This is why jocks get superficial relationships and the high functioning nerds get the wife.
QuietCommoner@reddit
mfw I grab her ass and she doesn’t squirt immediately
Bloodhoven_aka_Loner@reddit
depending on what kind of person your partner is and your past experiences, you absolutely can, yes.
Or you're quite reaching with your monolithic assumptions
Sufficient_Steak_839@reddit
Really reaching for a silver lining there huh
postmortemstardom@reddit
Her response is that she is sad they are not having sex so what is the silver lining about that situation ?
Sufficient_Steak_839@reddit
She responded with sad when he said he felt they weren’t having enough sex
Nowhere does it indicate she’s sad about them having minimal sex lol
postmortemstardom@reddit
Learn to read ? The post says he asked how she feels about that (not having enough sex) with "sad".
Racika@reddit
Okay you never been in a social interaction?
Of course she will say sad in that given situtation, why should she say "I'm happy about it actually, I fucking despise you"? The entire point of the post is that she's just trying to get the conversation over with and go back to watching Netflix
Please tell me you dont take similar conversations literally every time
postmortemstardom@reddit
So you were there when this conversation happened and have observed the unspoken communication between them and deduced she was just being kind and and trying to get away ?
Found the limp dicked anon guys.
nxmid@reddit
You both are arguing about what made up people meant in this made up dialogue in this made up story so who is the fool here
WordsMort47@reddit
Yeah to be fair it's not clear what the supposed intention of the wife was meant to be here
postmortemstardom@reddit
Not really tho. This stuff happens so often you would be surprised.
Literally. This is one of the most common causes of divorce. Sec therapy often focuses on this as well. " Married couple gets into a sexless period for whatever reason ( there are so many reasons you would be surprised, stress being the leading one).
They both ignore it, don't communicate for months.
This creates an emotional distance and frustration.
One side is fed up and initiates sex, other refuses because of the frustration and the distance between them.
This turns into a pride issue and they let go of their partner totally and request a divorce soon after. "
There is a reason why good communication with your partner is the leading indicator for log term relationship success. It also means you are good at bed for better or for worse.
Racika@reddit
You seem like a treat to be around
Sufficient_Steak_839@reddit
Ok big dawg
CaptainHindsight92@reddit
I mean if a woman says she is in the mood men just find a way to get into it. It isn’t that hard really when someone who your attracted to wants to fuck you, just think sexy thoughts. Sure in an ideal world we would be able to slowly build the seduction all day but we have jobs, gym, dinner and chores to do. I think it is too much to expect a song and dance every time. Where is OPs wife’s attempts at seducing him? Where is the effort on their part? I think blaming OP when they are essentially being neglected by their partner just perpetuates the notion that women shouldn’t make any effort when it comes to sex, that it is something they should just give like a reward. When both partners should want to be having more intimacy and making equal effort.
mudlark092@reddit
Libido is waaaayyy easier to come by if you have High Testosterone, and Additionally if youre not stressed.
“Just think sexy thoughts” is not an easy solution to the problem if you have Low Libido in general from Depression / Stress or hormonal issues. Or even just regular hormonal varience. My libido varies greatly just over the course of the month depending on my hormonal cycle.
When I took Testosterone (Transmasc) it used to be like I was ready to go at any time LMAOOO but now not so much and it varies greatly based off how stressed / depressed I am as well as hormonal cycles.
I think calling it neglect is crazy, its not like OOP can’t jerk off. OOP lived all his life before meeting his wife without being able to fuck her, maybe he could instead ask more about how she’s feeling instead of pushing for sex. Doesn’t make OOP evil for approaching it the “wrong” way but calling it “Neglect” when it could be depression, stress, menopause, or even just… genuine issues in the relationship is a bit of a reach.
Something definitely needs to change, but sex doesn’t work the way you describe it does for everyone. Libido can be very different for men than it is for women.
CaptainHindsight92@reddit
So I don’t think you are wrong about testosterone playing a role. In fact there are many experts in women’s health saying that low testosterone may play a huge role in women’s libido problems and there is currently no agreed T treatment for women. Most countries won’t even consider it. BUT imagine it was reversed and the wife was the one who’s husband was ignoring her needs, maybe there could even be legitimate reasons why they can’t get it up, but people would (rightly imo) suggest he should get medical help if the problem is physiological. Ignoring your partner’s needs and assuming it is biology is not the way. I also disagree that he can just jack it, when he was single he could jack it and sleep with other people, experience intimacy and being desired, it is mental and physical. It is funny how often people write off the importance of sex in a relationship but the same people, the second there is the thought of their partner having sex with someone else they realise the enormous physical and emotional role it plays. Then go back to ignoring their partners need.
imhere2downvote@reddit
i need more time every day, atleast 48hrs for one day
Grandiose_Tortoise@reddit
Like an additional 48 hours or just 48 hours total?
imhere2downvote@reddit
total? idk about 60+hrs
postmortemstardom@reddit
That's an ok criticism. She is also responsible for this long dry session. But the way to go when you experience a dry session with your partner is to talk with them, long and clear, not hug and grab their ass suggesting you are dtf.
Since this been going on for months and this is the first time he is bringing it up, this clearly has an underlying issue. But as I've said, she is not dtf atm but she is also not fine with not having sex from her response. So instead of being butthurt from this, go watch some Netflix with her and talk about why this has happened and how things can improve.
It might be anything. Emotional distance, physical boredom, your technique sucking, your partners technique sucking, them being conflicted about something... It might even be cheating or just good old stress. I got a limp dick for weeks when we were moving from US to Netherlands with my family because of the stress. My husband was also stressed but he is the type that releases stress with sex so it was an hectic month of me rejecting and stonewalling him at everyday. I was also sad for not having sex but it takes two to fuck and if one is not feeling it, it's just masturbating with extra steps.
mistermh07@reddit
could at least try communicating with more than single word responses and leaving though
not being able to talk about important things with someone because they get upset when it comes up makes my opinion on that person drop significantly
mudlark092@reddit
I think its quite different when the conversation is being lead by pressuring the other person to have sex.
Intentional or otherwise, it would create pressure towards that and can be quite uncomfortable if the other person has been having low libido, is disinterested, has been depressed or stressed, etc.
A lot of people with these issues feel incredibly guilty about them and leading the conversation in a way that creates pressure to have sex can just exacerbate the issue.
It doesn’t make OOP evil for doing the “wrong” thing, its just a difficult situation and can be difficult to navigate for everyone.
goldenballhair@reddit
☕️
postmortemstardom@reddit
That's an ok criticism but months of sexless cohabitance don't just happen between perfectly communicating couples. It's clear there is an underlying issue for this very long dry spell.
Custer99@reddit
The hidden context here is she’s sad she’s not attracted to OP anymore 😭
postmortemstardom@reddit
One of the major mistakes people make is connecting the amount of sex people have to their attraction to their partner.
That's not how it works. If you are limp, you won't be having sex even if you find the most sexy person around. If you are not feeling, it's not a good experience even if the best dick is penetrating you. Been to both sides, you can trust me on that.
Life is not a romance novel, your and your partners sexual drive are highly connected to your neuroendocrine system and physical health. You can and will experience dry spells periodically your whole life with any partner. It's practically impossible to keep a high sex drive all year long for years at end.
Stress is one of the best turn off there ever is. It also turns some people on tho. Nothing is set in stone so figure it out with your partner. If they don't talk, try initiating it. If they still refuse and they are important to you, seek professional help.
It's pretty detestating when you hit a sexual block and your partner doesn't notice, or notices but doesn't talk about it. It makes you feel undesired and creates emotional distance and frustration. This can easily end relationship due to misconceptions.
684beach@reddit
You can always please your partner orally though, even if you dont feel in the mood. Like a massage its a nice thing to do for someone you care about.
postmortemstardom@reddit
That's ... Dude oral sex is still sex. If the mood is not there, it's also not happening.
How are you guys holding onto a relationship if you put your sexual needs above your partners willingness?
684beach@reddit
Willingness to be altruistic and caring? If i dont feel like doing something, for many things i do it anyway because i need to/care. If i dont feel like sex i still dont mind eating out my girl or giving massages. I want them to be satisfied and happy. Are they not worth that effort? Like its truly not hard to do. I guess i just wouldn’t be in a relationship without a caring person, I have no problem serving others.
postmortemstardom@reddit
If you are unwilling to perform but still perform out of alturism, it's an unhealthy dynamic that puts sex as an one sided altruistic act.
My advice would be to have boundaries. Forcing yourself to eat them out when you don't feel like will end up wearing you down eventually. Excessive giving can also easily hurt the receiving party into doing unwilling tasks out of obligation to return the favor and brew resentment. Lovebombing is the perfect example for this.
For care part, your partner may need sexual care and you can provide it. But how often not having sex immediately is detrimental to ones health or psychology ? Like I remember having sex to make him feel better about a situation even if I didn't want to do it that day for like 10-15 times max ?
-Are they not worth the effort ?
They are. But that effort is better spent on improving communications and resolving issues. You have limited effort capacity. The more you spend serving sex, the less you have for being together.
While each person is to their own, healthy relationships don't involve servitude that often in them. They put companionship first. Don't override yourself constantly.
684beach@reddit
Its doesnt “put” sex as anything but what it is. Is there a problem with one sided acts in your head, like giving a massage, helping an old person, supporting a friend? The idea of “you scratch my itch, i scratch yours” is the dynamic, which serves us both so not really a one sided dynamic. Dont how you think you can declare that as unhealthy.
I have boundaries, so does my partner. What makes you think we dont? I cant imagine how eating pussy can wear me out, it takes less than 10mins and unless my tongue is sore theres no issue. How can i be weary? Hardly something to call excessive. If someone becomes resentful of that, im better off not being them. That goes for friends too. I have obligations to my friends and lovers even if it dont like it.
Health, no effect that i know of. But psychologically? Could be, depends on a lot of things. I care for my partners needs beyond just making sure they have food and water. I care about what they feel day to day.
Improving communication shouldn’t be a thing you are still learning with a partner past a certain time(if someone has mental difficulties, sure). Like after enough time, you either know how to listen and speak reasonably with each or you dont. It is really not hard to put yourself in someones shoes if you care about people in general, and be able to convey needs clearly.
You are together in sex, outside of sex too. It shows compassion and love and thoughtfulness, like many things in a relationship. What are you talking about? Its not “serving sex” like its a demon or something.
“Healthy relationships dont involve servitude that often in them”you mean MONTHS is too often for you to do a selfless service!?…
The thing about companionship is its requirements are different for each person. Mine is just being able to think and do for others and closely match efforts. It takes less time to suck pussy than to make a meal for my girl, and though both dont serve me, i do them for her because i love her. I dont want someone who thinks “oh thats to much effort” like shit how am supposed have CHILDREN with that kind of person?
postmortemstardom@reddit
The idea of "scratch my itch and I scratch yours" tell me that you are categorizing oral sex in the category of exchanged favors which is a totally different thing from altruistic acts and care you claimed in your previous comment.
That puts the act of oral sex a reward for receiving oral sex. Sex as a reward is not healthy. But it's healthier than one side altruisticly offering sex anytime their partner wants.
Having sex when your partner is unwilling due to a obligation to make them happy is the definition of not having boundaries.
It's emotional weariness. Oral sex can be easy on the body but providing such intimacy when you don't want everytime your partner wants it is a major emotional wear. If someone becomes resentful after that and you think you are better of without them. They are also better of without you. Clearly you are not compatible.
Care is a finicky word. I understood it as "taking care of someone, to care for them" rather than " caring for their feelings" because of the altruism talks.
Improving communications is a lifelong commitment. That's just wrong to think it's a skill you learn and be done with it. You and your partner change daily. New experiences, forgotten ones, biological changes, even dreams. How to listen and talk is one method. How do they act when they feel emotions ? how do they react when you are having a bad day ? How do you react when you are not satisfied with their reaction to some news?
These awareness cost emotional effort. Their return is often being aware of your partners daily changes. While you can absolutely do sexuals favors in hopes of returning sexual favors, learning how to set them for more satisfying sexual adventures would probably be more healthy for your long term relationship.
You said you are ok with serving... You are providing sexual pleasure when you are not desiring it yourself. You are just serving sex dude. It is what it is. You are just acting like a masturbation vending machine at that point. Unless you are into it as well, it's just masturbation with extra steps.
Companionship has a basic rule that says both sides are equal in the social contract. You are not a companion if you are serving someone. You are a servant. A dynamic that routinely puts you in the position of a servant, is not a healthy one.
GandalfTheBong@reddit
idk if i'm supposed to admire you or feel bad for you. what you're saying in this thread is honestly spot on and mostly aligns with my personal experiences.
the other people in here genuinely sound like the last time they were physically intimate with another person was when their mom kissed them goodnight decades ago. some of these guys say things that make it glaringly obvious that they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about
postmortemstardom@reddit
If it helps 1 relationship, it's worth it.
I was once stuck in the quagmire of anti-feminism as a teen bisexual fresh out of a marvelous fuck of a long term relationship with a girl. As an atheist during the early 2010s, atheist to anti-feminist pipeline got me real good lol.
It was just a guy in a forum now long shut that got me out of it. He took me seriously, replied to everything I've said bit by bit and I was left with nothing to say by the end of the day.
I can't do the same. I get angry way more easily and internet is now a much hostile place. But I try lol. 15 years and counting, I've like to think I've been a pretty positive influence on my circle both online and in real life :D all thanks to 1 anonymous guy lol.
GandalfTheBong@reddit
yeah man i've been there too. interestingly, i almost went down the exact same path you did. except for me it wasn’t a random guy on the internet but an irl friend who kept challenging me on these stupid opinions. very grateful for that
Custer99@reddit
Let’s assume overwhelming attraction though (idealistic but whatever). Partners like that can’t keep their hands off eachother
postmortemstardom@reddit
Not really, you body has finite resources to generate stimuli that make you horny.
You have a built in bonk mechanism that will cool you off and tone down your attraction if you fuck enough.
Your body eventually become tolerant of the hormonal attraction as well if it's constant. There is a reason people say missing is essential to a healthy relationship. Your brain literally cools down during your seperation from your so. Even if it's just work or a couple weeks here and there.
mordehuezer@reddit
Yeah no, there's no universe where getting rejected and stone walled at the same time is a positive response. This is max autism of not understanding social queues.
postmortemstardom@reddit
A rejection and stonewalling would be " I don't care. ", not "sad". Sad denotes that lack of sex with their partner to be something undesirable. Which is a positive thing from the POV of the poster assuming they want regular sex with this person afterwards.
Months of sexlessness can easily frustrate someone or generate distance and women are not sex dispensers that are ready to fuck with an hug and ass grab after months of no fucking. That's a vending machine, this is a human being.
Also from the comments I'm receiving, you guys never had sex ? It takes quite the emotional and physical preparation, especially if you've been dry for several months at this point. Not to mention the aftermath is often harder to deal with if it's been that long.
mordehuezer@reddit
Funnily enough I have more experience in this than most people. Me and my partner have been without it for a long time since we had our first child. It's not a good thing, but we talk about it and joke about it openly. Not having sex for a long time is a pretty normal thing, it happens in a lot of relationships, but how it's communicated decides if it can be resolved or not.
684beach@reddit
I dont think alot of people go dry for months at a time without it being long distance
postmortemstardom@reddit
They do. It's often caused by unsatisfactory arousal. If it's not a physical problem, it is often stress or bad experience during sex.
As with most things in a relationship, it's often more easily solved by talking and communication.
Pregnancy, post pregnancy changes like divided attention and physical exhaustion, not enough of foreplay ( both ways), dishonesty about kinks and boundaries, lack of confidence after big physical changes and many more reasons exist for months long dry periods aside from the "big stress" and "not being good at bad".
684beach@reddit
“Not a lot of people” is the key part. Pregnancy and post pregnancy i get it. But like for the other issues it seems to me more of a someone with more mental vulnerabilities than typical person. Like i am personally going to serve my partner even though i struggle with self image and stress, i couldnt image ignoring their needs for months. Getting hard might be impossible but theres other ways i can put effort in to please them.
Dread000@reddit
As a dude, I've been in her position. She's sad at the situation.
PomegranateHot9916@reddit
maybe I'm out of my mind here but I feel like it is a shared responsibility.
it can't be all on him. if you're married then you are one. that's the point.
postmortemstardom@reddit
Not really. I'm not saying that's all on him either tho.
This interaction was bad totally in his part.
The sexless session means something is wrong and neither are talking about it. That's her responsibility as well as his.
Him being butthurt about not getting sex after treating her like a sex vending machine is also... not a good impression.
Good_Smile@reddit
Debatable
vDarph@reddit
This sounds like emotional problems in the couple. But OP wishes he was gay and had some emotional intelligence
little_turtle420@reddit
If I stopped finding my wife attractive for some reason, I'd ask myself why and do something about it
Why do women not feel the same way? I'm genuinely asking
lordmisterhappy@reddit
When you say "do something about" it you mean...?
little_turtle420@reddit
It depends on the situation.
If I suddenly don't find her attractive because:
I've been drawing comparisons in my head? I'd probably remind myself about the parts of her (looks, personality, values) that are otherwise rare to find.
I've been getting attention from someone who's conventionally more attractive? The excitement of something like this is not worth giving up on years of memories with my partner. I'd remind myself that. Besides, this'd probably make me work on finding newer ways to make my current relationship with my partner more exciting.
lordmisterhappy@reddit
Sage words. Cheers
ihatereddit6534@reddit
one of the reasons ill never marry
cptGumrock@reddit
Real and Straight
Gaby33400@reddit
https://i.redd.it/xzqo66jakpsg1.gif
neontiger07@reddit
what's this from?
Gaby33400@reddit
It’s a scene in In Stars and Time but I obviously changed the dialog >w< Still a great game and you should play it. Except if you hate RPG maker.
-ExcuseMeWhat-@reddit
Advertising ISAT on a 4Chan subreddit is crazy😭
Gaby33400@reddit
Look I behave the same on every community I follow, no matter how stupid I may seem >w<
Lockdown18@reddit
myspecialneedsalt@reddit
Ball
Gaby33400@reddit
Yayy, it’s the first time that a meme of my creation gets stolen \^w^
Meme_Pope@reddit
I feel like a lot of these “dead bedroom” relationships are people who are settling for someone they’re not really attracted in the first place just losing the will to put in the effort to force it. I feel like there’s not a lot of dead bedrooms among fit attractive people.
That or people just fucking up their libidos with SSRI’s
surelysandwitch@reddit
I fucking hate SSRIs. Messed me up. Ketamine was so much more valuable.
Fearless_Occasion989@reddit
Are SSRIs really that bad? I'm in a bad crisis of depression rn and my doctor is prescribing sertraline to me.
Tablesafety@reddit
SSRIs nuked my libido. I'm a high libido person. I had ZERO when on them. Its one of the reasons I decided to look for an alternative, SSRIs sucked. Even if I tried, I couldn't orgasm.
rugzbee123@reddit
They have supplemental and alternative medications to help with these effects. Functional mental health medication and boners are not mutually exclusive.
surelysandwitch@reddit
Try them and see if they work for you. For me no good.
SCntwll@reddit
I've been on them for years it has been incredibly helpful for me and while it did not affect my libido it did make it more difficult to cum. Eventually that got to be a bit of a problem so I switched to a different one and it lessened the effect quite a bit and also switch to taking it at night which helped a lot, it's still a little more difficult to finish but not a whole lot and that does mean I can go longer so it has kind of a half upside for me at least.
Fearless_Occasion989@reddit
I see. But if that's the only problem I think it's safe for me because I'm assexual. Thank you and the guy below for the clarification.
esssssto@reddit
Second thing and also, people have different libidos.
When i'm getting to know a girl, one of the things i consider is her sexual habits. In my case at least, if she has a low libido i'm not interested in commitment, since It would become a problem for both of us.
I have both male and female friends with different preferences, i've known relationships where the girl wants more than the boy feels like and viceversa.
twice_paramount832@reddit
This exactly. Always wondered how ugly people does it and the obvious answer is not for long.
xspiderdude@reddit
OP is probably a couch potato and expects sex to just come to him while he eats Doritos, and hasn't done a single squat in the last decade.
Source: I was OP once.
StandardN02b@reddit
It's trully amazing how redditors can start the most horrible slander with a "probably".
rugzbee123@reddit
Official Expert Redditor PHD in knowing it all
Prancer4rmHalo@reddit
The only dorito-esque thing in the post is someone sitting and watching Netflix on their phone ? lol. What goes together better than junk food and Netflix
DontYouWantMeBebe@reddit
Sex dries up when you stop going on dates from my experience
Hot_Pop6383@reddit
Just leave her ffs
RYAQN@reddit
I put most of the blame on OP. This is not how you approach this situation. Tell wife you want to go out on a night you’re both free and have a lot of time. You need to take her to do something enjoyable. Go out to eat somewhere nice and inexpensive, then take her for a walk in the park after. Try to have some fun and make it an enjoyable experience. Then you take her home, pull out some wine and throw on Netflix and snuggle. Make sure to watch a nothing movie/show that requires no real attention. Then all you have to say is “I love you” and stare at her.
Once the spark is lit the fire may go for multiple days/weeks. Sex will be easier to get because she’s fallen in love again. Once things start lagging behind repeat the process but change venues.
Vacations may also work but unless you’re exorbitantly wealthy don’t use this as a crutch.
If that doesn’t work you’re too far gone. I’d recommend you start fucking dudes or get a divorce.
outland_king@reddit
Why did you immediately jump to anon having to do a pre flight checklist for the possibility of sex? He asked her a question, she gave a single word answe and did nothing to either change the situation or talk with him about her needs.
Relationships are a two way street and seeing these comments about how the guy didnt "prime" her is wild.
gggqw@reddit
Fucking thank god there’s someone else in this comment section with a modicum of intelligence. Who’s to say OP wasn’t doing all this already? What about her? Is she just the gatekeeper and guardian of sex? Is a woman’s job somehow now to simply sit back and watch as her male jester performs meticulously and perfectly while she does absolutely nothing to warrant this kind of effort? Comment section is full of fucking bird propaganda “no bro you can’t just grab her ass without setting up a beautiful nest decorated with colorful river rocks and zip ties and performing a well-practiced dance first and expect sex after”
404-NoFucksFound@reddit
TribeWars@reddit
Yeah, people who are in a relationship, obviously did a number of things to be attractive to their partner. Once you're committed to the other person, obviously it's normal to act differently around each other, but it's easy to take the attraction you built for each other for granted and to stop doing things that keep the fire alive.
Responsible_Meet_528@reddit
So ridiculously real. Look at you dropping truth and reality
earthwormjimwow@reddit
Believe it or not, squeezing a woman's ass or even her boobs, is often not stimulating in and of itself. Physical stimulation is not usually the best method to start out with either.
Women might only like that feeling or behavior when actually in bed.
Starting a conversation with a complaint is also not stimulating lol.
Morbius-Lover@reddit
I can tell that you have never touched a woman before, or that you are a woman yourself which automatically makes any advice you might give to men invalid.
Tablesafety@reddit
Im genuinely confused as to how advice a woman gives to a man about how to turn on women is useless, and that advice men give to men about how to turn on a woman is valuable? I cant wrap my head around it
Unless this is all about how a man can turn on a man
Morbius-Lover@reddit
No its very simple actually women say they are attracted to nice guys and then go get themselves fucked by assholes. I have been an asshole since I started university and I got laid more frequently than ever. Women say that you should always ask for consent but it is a massive turn off for both parties if you outright ask something like that, so my advice is to never ask for consent, just read her body language.
In short, women are almost never honest with what turns then on and SOME women are almost never honest on top of this. So as a rule of thumb about sex, I never trust what women say but trust what women do. I have had a fwb for a year now and every time I outright talk to her about doing something she goes "ew" but when I actually do that something in bed she goes "keep goingg".
Also size matters, a lot. Anyone who disagrees with this statement is not trustable. I dont have that big of a junk myself, so I can tell you that it is a lot harder to make them climax. You can make them cum but it takes a lot more effort and knowledge and they will prefer a bigger dick at any chance they will get. Game is game, yall stay safe
Altruistic-Local-541@reddit
in my experience size only matters up to a point, after that bigger isnt actually helpful for climax, its more about endurance and how well you can find the right flow with the girl
not once during sex did I wish for a bigger sword, but holding out for longer and having more control on the other hand would always be welcome
earthwormjimwow@reddit
Talk about projection...
liuliuluv@reddit
what on earth is happening in this thread
Morbius-Lover@reddit
Redditoid first look at unfiltered internet talk
ur_moms_boy-toy@reddit
Unfiltered? Haven't you forgotten a few words, then?
Soupermans_dongle@reddit
My ex wife never initiated and rare accepted. She’d always have an excuse or a reason for being mad at me about something. Long story short, I realize she is a complete narcissist and actually enjoyed torturing me with this and making me feel bad about it. It really caused me some mental health issues. We are separated now and I’ve found someone who enjoys sex as much as I do.
-Shlim-@reddit
Grabs ass “we don’t fuck enough babe”, zero initiative for spark or romance, cant understand wife’s refusal of advances when all she gets out of this transaction is lackluster peen
Prancer4rmHalo@reddit
Hmm.. in my imagination he’s a total stallion, immense girth.. but not like inhuman girth just like wow that’s a girthy cock, type girth..
Tablesafety@reddit
A really handsome peeneroo can still perform in disappointing ways!
Prancer4rmHalo@reddit
Oh yea for sure! I just wanted to contrast because I thought it was interesting, when this Redditor thought about OPs penis he imagined a lack luster penis, perhaps this Redditor imagined a meek and slouchy shaft and excessive hood skin.. or maybe they were thinking of the proportions like the head wasn’t that much more prominent than the shaft or when propped against the balls the size comparison was noticeable… I mean there’s no telling what aspects of another man’s penis this Redditor was envisioning that they went with lack luster which was interesting because I came away with an entirely different impression.
Tablesafety@reddit
I think I like you
ur_moms_boy-toy@reddit
Thank you for sharing that information.
_Empty-R_@reddit
thats because all male on female sex is actually rape. or so a growing subset of people'nt are trying to say.
JeffyGoldblumsPen_15@reddit
She's getting it somewhere else. Months at time. Bro is delusional.
Tablesafety@reddit
Not necessarily, its pretty easy for women to go months to even a year or so not really thinking about sex, years plural if she has children
This is more an indicator that something is terribly wrong in the relationship that needs discussed than cheating
Ive seen this exact thing in person multiple times. Its actually most of the straight relationships I’ve seen. Husband does or doesn’t do something that makes him unattractive to wife, wife’s libido drops like rock. This can go years without being properly addressed.
JeffyGoldblumsPen_15@reddit
Translation wife settled for her husband. She wanted a different type of guy. She was approaching a certain age. She found a good guy to settle with.
MechwolfMachina@reddit
Considering its 2026, from her AI chatbot boyfriend probably
Lukthar123@reddit
Statement: "Get cucked, meatbag."
GandalfTheBong@reddit
do you guys realize that you sound incredibly foolish and inexperienced in when making statements like this?
JeffyGoldblumsPen_15@reddit
Gee thanks Redditor for that.
Dragonnstuff@reddit
Both of you can pass for that honestly
Tinkalinkalink@reddit
As a female with a very low libido, this duration is normal in my relationship. I’m not getting any elsewhere.
Tinkalinkalink@reddit
I don’t understand why I’m getting down voted, I’m just sharing a different perspective. Anti depressants are recognised to affect drive, as well as poor mental health
JeffyGoldblumsPen_15@reddit
As a female 😂 sure Anon sure.
Neomataza@reddit
Bro has a marriage and still fumbles. Could only fumble harder by calling her fat and bringing up the last time she disappointed her parents.
sticky_lemon@reddit
This is actually part of why I didn't initiate sex often, he would insult me and say I deserved to be hurt and then 20 minutes later come for a hug and a butt grab and then get sad that it didn't immediately lead to sex.
cheeseburgermachine@reddit
Yeah some people are low libido or a-sexual.. but also yeah need to really dive into that with whomever you're with because that really sucks if you're high libido.
Bromoblue@reddit
Not a given. There's an abundance of sexless marriages where one partner just loses all their libido for one reason or another.
KomisktEfterbliven@reddit
Rizz
Slimcognito808@reddit
Many such cases
bratbarn@reddit
Ok first of all the wife is a man, and he's getting laid plenty without op.
Roadkillgoblin_2@reddit
Something something psyop…. Fake and gay…. insert other 4Chan ramblings etc
theceure@reddit
no one wants to fuck a redditor
Lil-Miss-Anthropy@reddit
Self-centered
Negative
Past-focused
Collaborative
Present-focused
Positive
Exciting
Tablesafety@reddit
Yknow what thinking about it I genuinely think that approach might have worked if it were the intro. Now, probably not, as OP has introduced sex as a problem to wife
carrotfuck@reddit
Growing resentment. She's not sad about the lack of sex per se. She's sad about her lack of attraction to him building and building, because he's not showing her the kind of actions or words that make him an attractive person she wants to sleep with.
We are sensory creatures. Just grabbing my ass doesn't do it for me. I don't get turned on point blank. I need time, intimacy, sensory experiences that build into being turned on.
Tablesafety@reddit
Ive spoke about it in posts before how women’s stimulation is more emotive/mental before physical/visual gets meaningful, and you have to build up to it. That may sound like bs to the inexperienced or woo woo gender shit, but its real.
Trans people are very valuable studies in this. Ive had multiple MtF individuals talk to me with shock and surprise that they overall, could take or leave sex. They don’t get randomly horny very often anymore if at all, and visuals or physical stim without other factors do nothing for them. They report needing to be properly ‘warmed up’ mentally and emotionally into it before they actively want to have sex rather than feel neutrality to it.
On the opposite end, FtM have been reported to be very shocked at how often they think about sex. Further in, its went from only now and then to every minute or so. They’re getting horny at the suggestion of a curve or imagining that absolutely normal looking woman across the train being bent over by themselves. They’re far far more visual than before and even being looked at suggestively is enough to pop em, like teenaged boys.
If you want a woman to want to have sex w you, you have to make her feel safe and loved before desired. Its even harder when she’s on BC, it mutes libido. Ovulation is the only time where women seem to have a way more spontaneous vs responsive desire as a whole and BC stops it from happening (for good reason!)
Le_San0@reddit
Another Win for r/womenarenotintomen
33spacecowboys@reddit
Gotta get the agreement to once a month !
MachinaVerum@reddit
She's having plenty of sex. She's sad for you for not having any. Pity more than sad actually.
Prancer4rmHalo@reddit
Bro why is everyone being so gay about a damn green text…
🧐 “in typical sapien hetero breeding patternships there’s often a… deriliction of the specificitudes of being a completely cuck.. we can tell op is a cuck with smallus peniuss syndrome because he’s a male and has issues with his relationship. 🤓 there fore we can postulate through the ‘im a redditor, therefore I have good sensibilities theorem, and find the solution is he’s a narcissist chudicus which when we check our work; man has problem in relationship:man has penis: man is locus of problem on relationship.. and yup checks out.. 🤓
Anicancel@reddit
Get to the gym, I bet money Anon let himself go and a random ass grab and complaint about not enough sex isnt exactly getting her in the mood for it.
art_mor_@reddit
Deserved response
psycuhlogist@reddit
just say, "i'm bricked up, why don't you polish me off" that might work
xX_SkibidiChungus_Xx@reddit
ITT: Redditors arguing about the inner workings of a relationship when its clearly a cuckpost
No-Section-4385@reddit
She cheated on ya.. Yo bundle of sticksm
VortexFalcon50@reddit
Id ask for a divorce
hairyballsinmybutt@reddit
Bro needs to shut up and just do it
gadafgadaf@reddit
While some medications and birth control can influence sex drive and libido. Just honking a tit and thinking about sex out loud is very low effort and deserves just that kind of response. Just think about the junk romance novels they like to read that gets them going. They need romance and more mentally to get there.
sticky_lemon@reddit
Your comment is such a wild ride
arsebeef@reddit
Anon finally pulled himself away from his greasy computer after a wicked 10 hour sesh, tells his wife they should have sex more, she becomes paralyzed by his breath and freezes in terror. Traumatize she sits down in front of Netflix with anime that’s been on for days.
davcarcol@reddit
Rookie
Hung_Dad@reddit
Don’t care what the past is like. Get up and leave bro
bulbous_plant@reddit
Nothing gets your wife in the mood like a grab in the arse and immediate criticism of low libido
ILoveEnverHoxha@reddit
How is this not supposed to be personal?
kingmagog@reddit
I mean my wife and I have had a shit year, with an eviction right after Christmas, moving in with our inlaws, my crazy work schedule, depression, and sleeping in a full size bed with a toddler. We both want to, but right now we just really can't. Life happens and sometimes you have to table things until life improves.
Jumpy_Divide_9326@reddit
If not every 2 or 3 weeks minimum the relationship is over she's cheating 🤷
Weekly or several times weekly is the goal unless she's on a period 🤷
cheeseburgermachine@reddit
Its different for everyone especially at older ages. But yes its not common to go months without sex unless theres some other issues going on like health or mental state
srprizma@reddit
cope
JDH@reddit
Hopefully fake
Very likely many such cases
StudioUAC@reddit
What is marital debt anyway?
TheMorbidHobo@reddit
Dude needs to turn off all devices and actually communicate with her and make sure she's communicating back. Understand where each other is at, what they are thinking about. Don't ask the f'n internet.
Sydkvist@reddit
If she’s still sad it means she still cares. Take initiative and talk about it, make it happen if she doesn’t take the initiative. Communication is 110%
CannibalisticChad@reddit
People not communicating creating conflict, a tale as old as time
Thisisjimmi@reddit
look up a "Dead bedroom"
MrEvan312@reddit
Anon, take your pills: the daki is not capable of speech, thought, or feelings.
jonatna@reddit
That does sound sad. They should keep talking about it.
preferablyno@reddit
Only date fiery women lol problem solved
-Neeckin-@reddit
Love how anon makes no attempt to be intimate or romantic and just says they aren't fucking much any more like she would say she agrees and jump him bones
DankElderberries420@reddit
Darkeater879@reddit
Instead of asking about it anon should have initiated. He is highly regarded
NighthawK1911@reddit
Condolences for Anon