What is appropriate to ask casual acquaintances in your country?
Posted by starrrmoonn@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 76 comments
Hi!
I’ve noticed that in my country, people often ask quite personal questions not only when they first meet, but also when they’re just casual acquaintances - like coworkers you’re friendly with, joke around with, but aren’t very close to.
For example, it’s normal to ask things like “Are you married?”, “Do you have a partner?”, or even someone’s age. In my country it is normal.
Is that considered okay in the other countries, or would it feel too personal?
What topics are generally safe (or not safe) to talk about in that kind of relationship?
Dangerous-Lunch647@reddit
I can tell you what’s NOT ok in the US that is okay elsewhere: Why don’t you have children? Why were you at the doctor? You were out sick yesterday—what was wrong? How much money do you make? How much did you spend on (whatever)?
Aloh4mora@reddit
Wow you've really chubbed out -- how much weight have you gained?
Also not an okay question to ask here. 😂
makeuathrowaway@reddit
“What do you weigh?” Is another huge no-no.
Remarkable_Table_279@reddit
When is the baby due? Aka…you’re a woman and look “fat” you must be pregnant.
TigerDeaconChemist@reddit
I would say "how much did X cost" is contextual. You wouldn't ask that about a house or car or maybe jewelry, but if you're discussing something like a tool or electronic device that you're also considering purchasing, it's not unusual to ask "how much did that cost, if you don't mind my asking?"
the_cadaver_synod@reddit
Yeah, and even the big items like houses and cars are subject to context. It would be very weird for a coworker or acquaintance to ask me how much I spent on my house, but my friend group is all at the house-buying stage of life and we discuss our price ranges pretty openly amongst ourselves.
I think the most off-putting one you mentioned is actually the jewelry. Outside of an absolute best friend relationship, I’d be displeased if someone asked how much my engagement ring cost (for example). That’s just way too personal.
riarws@reddit
Nearby neighbors can also ask about house prices, because it affects their own property values and taxes. Miss Manners declared this in the 80s or 90s at some point.
Great_Chipmunk4357@reddit
Glad you mentioned the children thing. I find that WAY too intrusive. Asking IF you have kids is okay, but if the answer is no, let it go.
natnat1919@reddit
I don’t think these are that true for the younger generation. There’s a big push for ending the secrecy around pay/ and money spent to end inequality/corporate greed. I do agree with the children one though.
anonymouse278@reddit
I think there's a difference between talking about pay with your coworkers or near-peers in your industry, which has a constructive purpose towards more equitable working conditions, and talking about pay with a random acquaintance. I wouldn't be upset if my coworker asked how much I make, but I would be very offput if somebody I just met who doesn't work in the same field did.
_nousernamesleft_@reddit
Yeah I think this is generational. I'm 32 and I could tell you how much money almost all of my friends make, how much their house or car cost, how much they owe in student loans, whether or not they have credit card debt, etc.
In addition to an explicit effort to reduce inequality many of us are public employees (teachers, state workers, etc) so all of our salaries are public knowledge anyway which maybe changes the dynamic.
natnat1919@reddit
Same thing with me and all my friends and family and I’m 29.
PmButtPics4ADrawing@reddit
I think it also depends on the job. When I worked in retail it was common to talk about wages, but now I have a more corporate job where it's a lot less common
Donald_J_Duck65@reddit
I am 60 and have lived in the US my entire life and all of these are regular questions I have heard.
GreenBeanTM@reddit
Different generations
starrrmoonn@reddit (OP)
In my country people might ask such questions except money (But sometimes it happens, e.g., you are talking about a job and you ask, "What about money, how is it?" You can give a neutral answer like, "It is quite enough/low."). And they feel normal to ask these questions.
Polite_Bark@reddit
I'm in the Midwest. People here will talk about just about anything. I've gotten detailed life stories in the check out line at the grocery store.
milkandsugar@reddit
Same in the south. We hold back nothing, even more so if we're never going to see you again.
AuntieCampaign@reddit
It’s normal here to ask an acquaintance’s relationship status and age, depending on how it’s asked.
It would be a bit intrusive here to ask someone’s religious or political beliefs, unless you’ve met them within that context. The other exception to this rule is a few regions where “which church do you attend” is considered a getting to know you question. Outside of those regions it would be an off-putting question.
78723@reddit
I don’t see how asking someone’s age could ever be normal or polite. Except maybe an under ten child’s.
milkandsugar@reddit
I said this elsewhere, but In don't understand the problem. I'm a woman over 60 and I do not care if someone asks me how old I am. It's not even that uncommon. However, as I said to someone else here, in the south people are more open and less uptight, so that could explain it.
ThrowRA_72726363@reddit
Am i the only one who doesn’t understand this? I never think it’s rude when people ask me how old i am. Is this only a thing with older generations? I’m 26 for reference.
milkandsugar@reddit
I'm over 60 and a woman and I don't care if someone asks me my age. I don't understand why that's such a rude thing to ask. Then again, southern people tend to be more open and less uptight.
hypo-osmotic@reddit
I'm in my mid-30s and still get asked occasionally. I live in a small town so in a social context it's usually asked to get a feel for which cohort of locals I'm most likely to know and we can then talk about mutual acquaintances This is often phrased by asking which year I graduated high school, but of course age is implied
shelwood46@reddit
Not generations, it's a thing where once you are over 30, it's pretty rude to ask it of anyone else over 30, and often patronizing to ask it of any under 30 (unless they are small children). And if you think they are too young to date, you are correct, so don't ask. As you get older, it does not matter as much if someone is 10+ years older or younger than you, while for a 26-year-old, it can make a difference.
AuntieCampaign@reddit
You’re right that I would never say “how old are you?” to a casual acquaintance, but “I loved the new Dune, but I’m old enough to have watched the David Lynch Dune when it was on TV and I have nostalgia for it, how about you?” type conversations are perfectly normal.
ProfessionalCat7640@reddit
This is really interesting. I’m learning asking about age can kind of be a “grey area” issue depending on who you are.
Remarkable_Table_279@reddit
Asking age is definitely only for children. I’ve been my age and my reply has been “29 and holding, and I have been for quite some time” if the person wasn’t born here and I know it I’ll explain “never ask a woman her age…unless you’re her doctor”
sgtm7@reddit
Depends on the specific work environment and the people. The last place I worked, most of us were veterans and/or retired military, so age might come up when talking about the past(aka war stories). We had this young guy, who did one enlistment, got out and started at our company. Not only was he younger than anyone else, he looked younger than he was. The first time I saw him I said "Does your momma know you are here, and does she know you are staying overnight? How old are you? "
jackofspades49@reddit
When you're trying to fish for someone's age in case your interested in them and want to make sure there isn't a big gap.
Like asking what their first pokemon game was.
IPreferDiamonds@reddit
I played Pong in the 1970s! LOL!
Cinisajoy2@reddit
If they want to make sure you are legal. I was once asked if I was 22 or 23. I said close enough. The person was off by 6 years one way or the other.
Suppafly@reddit
Plus, it's generally more or less obvious within about 10 years or so.
coolandnormalperson@reddit
It depends on the type of personal question. In America it is normal to ask if someone is married, have kids, where they live, where they work, what they like to do for fun.
Especially in a work context, asking about political leanings and religion is generally a bad idea. Asking about age can also be dicey, especially for women, especially for people over 40 or so.
There's plenty of exceptions, it's just that you shouldn't risk it until you've acclimated to people more. I think I can confidently tell when an American I'm speaking to is open to more personal and risky topics, but I would expect it to take years of language and cultural fluency to do accurately. And still, people misstep all the time. It's normal, and it's okay to just lightly apologize for overstepping. You can also directly acknowledge this - most Americans appreciate directness in communication, especially because we are a nation of people with different cultures. You can just say things "feel free not to answer if this is too personal, but .." or "do you mind if I ask about your background?".
starrrmoonn@reddit (OP)
Thanks for your answer! I’ve been working with a coworker for about 8 months, and he mentioned something about a wedding. I got the impression it might be his, but he didn’t say it directly.
He’s from England, so I’m not very familiar with the culture there, which made me curious. I also know his fiancee, they’re a really lovely couple.
If he were from my country, I’d just ask directly or congratulate them, but here I felt a bit shy in case it might be inappropriate.
Now I am curious what about other countries.
coolandnormalperson@reddit
Ah I see! In this case, I think asking about the wedding would be perfectly normal, and also to congratulate them. This is a topic that Americans would enjoy being asked about, generally.
Remarkable_Table_279@reddit
This is a question I’ve been asked by strangers and I thought what a great question “where’s home for you?” It doesn’t have the “where are you from? No where are you really from” issues (if you have an accent or speech impediment you will be asked that…especially if you’re not white or black. But even if you are white/black you can still get asked if you “talk funny” and people didn’t believe I’m from Va. my family had been in Va since Jamestown cause I have a speech impediment) but “where is home for you” can be where your parents were born, where you were born, where you were raised where you live now. It’s so great and shows genuine interest without a “you talk funny so I’m gonna to slow down and speak louder” feeling.
You can also ask what they enjoy/hobbies/sports etc
Remarkable_Table_279@reddit
If you want to feel out ages and you work for same company you can ask how long they’ve worked for the company. Me..25 years which is astounding cause I’m only 29 😁
Remarkable_Table_279@reddit
Under no circumstances can you ask an adult woman her age or when her baby is due.
SrWaterdoggy@reddit
I hate small talk. I have no interest in your (or my own) opinions about the weather or pretending to care about staffing decisions for sports teams. So over time i’ve tried most other lines of inquiry for casual convo. Asking personal questions like age without context will send up red flags. It isn’t interesting anyway. Hobbies is better, acquaintances (do you know such and such) is usually ok but can be a dead end. Best and more interesting are open-ended philosophical questions, especially about the future. “What’s your plan for the next five years?” - more thoughtfully phrased of course. Either they will love talking about that kind of thing and you’ll be there for an hour or they aren’t in the mood to talk.
Mangledpie@reddit
Yeah, are you married, what does your spouse do, do you have kids, do you have any plans for the weekend/holiday.
Brennisth@reddit
I would typically say to wait for the other person to bring up their relationship / children / family structure. These can be touchy subjects, and it's easy to accidentally step on a landmine. So, if a coworker has a photo of a kid on their desk, you can say "oh they're adorable!" And invite "that's my son" or "that's my nephew" as a response, without saying "is that yours" and potentially entering a touchy subject. Asking about relationship status can be interpreted as fishing for a date; asking "how long have you been married" when they're wearing a wedding ring might be "she died 3 years ago." The weather is usually a fantastic topic for casual acquaintances until they volunteer more.
RHS1959@reddit
If you’re at a party or social function you can always ask “so how do you know [host]?”
RHS1959@reddit
You can ask “what are you doing these days?” If you already know what their job is (say you’re talking to a co-worker) this might also be phrased as “do you have any hobbies” or “what do you do in your spare time”. This might get a pro-forma reply like “Oh, you know, same old stuff” or they might start telling you about their kids, pets, house, garden, cars, boats etc.
TeamTurnus@reddit
Skip the age for a bit, the rest of those are reasonable questions if youre trying to get to know someone
LetterheadClassic306@reddit
it really depends on the person. some americans are open and won’t blink at those questions, but in general those topics feel a bit personal unless you’ve known them a while or they bring it up first. safe bets are things like weekend plans, hobbies, work, or where they’re from. if someone’s married they’ll usually mention their spouse naturally. age can be touchy with some folks. i’d just follow their lead - if they ask you first it’s usually fine to ask back casually.
catswithbatsandhats@reddit
Traditionally everything except politics, religion, money, and sex were seen as acceptable in the workplace and with casual acquaintances. But because of the current state of the US you will often have people pry into politics and religion these days.
Strangers will talk about age/relationship status for sure.
HudsonYardsIsGood@reddit
> Traditionally everything except
The mnemonic for this is: avoid RAPE (religion, abortion, politics, economics)
StupidLemonEater@reddit
I strongly advise avoiding rape as well (both as a topic of conversation and otherwise).
According-Couple2744@reddit
When you mentioned “quit personal questions,” I wasn’t thinking about are you married?
Bluemonogi@reddit
I would not consider asking if someone you know is married very personal. To me personal would be “why aren’t you married or having children?” or “how much do you weigh?”
Generally don’t ask casual acquaintances how much money they have/earn, who they voted for, age, weight, about their fertility/sex life, what’s wrong with their kid. Some people don’t mind chatting about these things but others mind very much.
Mysterious_Volume327@reddit
This varies widely, as the US is an incredibly diverse country. In some areas (like parts of the South) asking what church you attend is a common question when introduced to someone, in other areas starting an interaction like that by assuming someone is Christian is very offensive. In many places talking about money is taboo, but a couple of folks from NYC will readily chat about how much they pay in rent.
If you’re visiting, it’s best to avoid discussing religion, politics, race, sex, and money when you are getting to know someone. If someone else brings up those topics, and you are comfortable discussing them, then go for it but be aware it might be controversial.
HairyDadBear@reddit
Those are normal things to ask an acquaintance, yes. Not if we just met though.
showerbabies1@reddit
I would be careful asking those questions in a professional work setting. It could get dicey depending on how the question is received.
In a social setting with a social acquaintance, you’re probably okay.
Flat-Illustrator-548@reddit
Things like profession, where you are from, or whether you have kids are are married are all common topic for "small talk". I don't mean you pass random strangers on the street and says "Hey! Whatbis your job? Do you have kids?" That would be extremely uncomfortable and off-putting. But if you're on an airplane, at a party, or sitting at a bus stop and strike up a conversation, those topics can come up, especially in the South or Midwest where people are more apt to chat with strangers.
Pay attention to body language. Some people are more introverted and prefer not to have these conversations. If the person is obviously not interested in the conversation, it's rude to continue trying.
One more tip. If you are having a really brief interaction such as picking up a prescription or ordering food, they may ask "how are you today?" That's just a polite greeting, not an invitation to actually discuss your life. The accepted answer is "I'm well (or I'm fine). How are you?" Or "I'm fine, thank you". They definitely don't have the time or the desire to hear you say "Well, to be honest, it's been a terrible day. My car wouldn't start, so I got to work late and now I'm behind on a project. Plus, I had a fight with my girlfriend last night so she went to her best friend's house and won't return my calls."
No-Fix-614@reddit
In places like the US, that stuff can feel a bit intrusive, so casual talk usually sticks to safe topics like work, hobbies, weekend plans, or general life, and you only get into personal questions once you’re actually closer.
orcas-@reddit
I don’t ask about marriage or kids. I welcome talking about it if someone volunteers the info. But I don’t ask as it can be fraught - you don’t know if someone is mid-divorce, or if they are trying to conceive with difficulty. That is info that is fine to talking about WHEN THE OTHER PERSON VOLUNTEERS THAT INFORMATION.
huazzy@reddit
Curious what "casual acquaintances" means.
There are coworkers I've worked with for 10 years plus. I think it's fine to ask them. But someone I just learned their name 30 seconds ago? No.
Suppafly@reddit
We could have a whole thread here on how different people define different levels of friendship and acquaintanceship and how it changes for most people as they age.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
It depends.
I feel older people ask more personal questions that may seem in appropriate to younger people.
Growing up, my mother would ask pregnant people questions like when they are due and if they knew the sex. She'd also ask people if they're a Christian.
It was common for adults to ask people they just met what they do for a living.
Now you'd never ever dare ask someone about their pregnancy because what if they're not? What if they're a surrogate? Can get awkward really quickly.
It's also inappropriate to ask someone's religion. But I feel it's ok to ask someone what they do for a living, as long as you don't ask how much they make.
Donald_J_Duck65@reddit
It is perfectly normal. A lot of people don't wear rings to identify if they are engaged or married so how else would you know?
Haifisch2112@reddit
There are 3 topics I consider off limits and never ask about them or go into them: Religion, politics, and sexual orientation. Some consider it rude to ask a person how much they paid for something. But, more often than not, a person will usually volunteer that information.
Imaginary-Angle-42@reddit
Do you have a dog or cat? Hobbies?
shammy_dammy@reddit
I would shut this down in a heartbeat. Personal questions on a first meeting is no go for me.
WowsrsBowsrsTrousrs@reddit
I wouldn't dream of asking a casual acquaintance anything that wasn't about the interest or job we had in common, unless they mentioned it first. If we were talking about going to a happy hour after work and they said they had to get home to family, then I'd ask about their family, and I wouldn't use the phrase "relationship status" either as that presumes they have a partner, which isn't always the case - I'd ask "What's your family like? Do you have kids?" I might also ask where in the area they lived, is it a long commute to and from work.
Asking someone's age is rude.
LadySilvie@reddit
I'm from the midwestern US, a millennial, and have worked remotely for the same company for 10 years, which colors my experience.
Tbh most of my work relationships have been extremely surface-level until we've worked together long enough to become friendly. That's when we've gotten to know each other. Direct questions are really rare IME, though there are some folks who ask them and I'd idly consider a bit nosey, but harmless.
For my casual coworkers, I generally know and we'll talk about: - their name - their duties at work - where'd they work previously, if I talk to them on their first week - if college-age, if they're going to school (I live in a college town and we employ interns from several schools) - idle chat about the weather or maybe pets who come on camera/make a sound.
Most things focus on work exclusively.
Most of the other stuff I learn about coworkers isn't learned by asking direct questions, which can feel a little nosey if you asked them straight away.
For instance, in one of our calls, we may be interrupted by kid or pet sounds in the background, and that creates an opening to say, "oh, you have a dog? Me too! I have a husky, what is yours?" and that grows to a connection and you can talk about more dog stuff or branching topics you come across there.
Things like that give more openness for casual friendliness. If it is Friday, the typical workweek end, it's generally acceptable if you know someone from more than a few meetings to ask if they have any weekend plans. That gives an opening to learn if they have a partner, kids, etc, which can spur further conversation.
Age is generally never asked. I don't think I've ever known a coworker's exact age, haha. We often "celebrate" birthdays, but it's more of an "and today, it's Silvie's birthday, happy birthday!" thing, and then people move on to focus on work.
Some teams do have a quick "team-building" component in certain meetings with something like a game or "question of the week" everyone takes turns participating in (for example, a question from a few weeks ago was "what is your dream vacation"), and that does trigger more conversation, but they are becoming less common as business focuses on eliminating unnecessary meetings to encourage productivity.
Outside of work, I think it's easier to get to know someone.
Clubs/activities/hobbies/whatever are naturally already more casual, so there is more room for discussion about plans or mentions of stories that tell you more about someone.
Kingsolomanhere@reddit
I've generally stayed away from personal questions, especially at work. Those kind of things usually come up at the local pub/bar after a long time of social interaction. Hell, no one I worked with in 35 years of my own business even knew I went to an engineering college for chemical engineering/math. They thought I had a high school degree like them. It was the wealthy people who ran a background check through a detective agency that found that stuff out ( that's how you get lots of referrals). They were also astounded that I only had one speeding ticket in 1976 and nothing else; a lot of people in the trades and blue collar building have records. I still have keys/codes to lots of very expensive homes
Jsaun906@reddit
Those are all very basic "getting to know you" type questions
Ok_Remote_1036@reddit
Those don’t sound like personal questions to me, they’re things you could probably find out by doing a Google search for the person.
There can be some sensitivity to asking older people their age, especially in the workplace given the risk of age discrimination.
sobeboy3131_@reddit
It depends on the context. You don't need to find out any of this info from a coworker in order to work together, so some people might find it weird to ask upfront personal questions. Often when working together, it does come up naturally, such as one worker saying "I have to leave early since my wife's car is in the shop" and the conversation going from there.
In a casual setting like a party, hobby activity, or anything social, it is not weird to ask people personal questions as a part of being friends.
TheOfficialKramer@reddit
They are people, there are really no rules on what is and is not allowed to be said to someone.
Leading-Captain-5950@reddit
When you get married to someone special, there's nothing to feel personal. Cuz everything will be mutual for both of them
Maybeitsmeraving@reddit
Age is unlikely to be asked about outright, people usually use things like "are you going to school here?" "Do you have any kids?" Or "how long have you been working here?" To try to get an idea. But single or married, kids, job, are all very normal things to ask about with coworkers or friends of friends.
sailorsonia@reddit
I think those are all acceptable questions. It is sometimes seen as inappropriate to ask someone’s age but that is a bit more old fashioned. I live in an area where a lot of people move to so I like to ask people where they grew up to get to know them. Americans are pretty direct, it’s okay to ask people what their lives are like or what they’re interested in.
nsbsalt@reddit
Married/partner/kids is pretty normal ask of an acquaintanc. Age might be a bit more personal depending on the person. There is an old saying of “never ask a woman her age and never ask a man how much he makes.”
GotMeAMuleToRide@reddit
I would not ask any of those questions of a work colleague, especially one of a different sex.