When an American at my job (a restaurant) asks my name, should I ask them for theirs?

"Puddin' tane" (or puddin' tame) is a nonsensical, playful name used in children's nursery rhymes—often as a retort to the question "What's your name?"—signifying a witty refusal to disclose one's identity. Often paired with the phrase "ask me again and I'll tell you the same," it is a long-standing tradition in American folklore.

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tandem_kayak@reddit

There you go! I couldn't remember which episode, I just remembered Mulder saying it.

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Bazoun@reddit

Fox Mulder says it once on the X Files. That’s my exposure to the saying. (Canadian)

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Common-Parsnip-9682@reddit

I definitely heard it from my grandparents.

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Thunderclapsasquatch@reddit

I have no dog in this fight, just never heard this phrase in my life. But I am amazed at "it is a long standing tradition in American folklore" definitely not everywhere in America lol

My wife from Texas knows it; I never heard it before her.

I.C. Weiner.

AttonJRand@reddit

People say this all the time, but growing up in Germany I never met rude waiters.

Maybe that's something tourists experience more? Would still mean its not related to tipping.

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RmG3376@reddit

Belgian here, I think it’s just a difference in expectations

Waiters in Europe (at least the part of Europe I’m used to) tend to leave you alone so as not to disturb you. So you have to call them if you need something or want to pay. We see it as a way to not be intrusive but I guess some might perceive it as indifference

Vice versa the expectation in the US is that waiters will be proactive, which is perceived as the waiters caring about their customers

I work in healthcare and everyone is sweetie. When I see 50 patients a day I don't even try to remember names anymore, especially when I'm bad with it anyway.

I’ve never been asked my name by a waiter. I would find that very strange.

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moby__dick@reddit

I had a waitress ask the whole table to introduce ourselves and it was one of the most cringe inducing situations of my entire life

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revengeappendage@reddit

Nightmare fuel.

I took my Octogenarian father to Italy a year ago and he wanted to meet each person we encountered individually. He’d walk away from each interaction saying things like, “Wow! Did you hear him say his name? Giuseppe! That just sounded great. And can you believe he’d been to Florida! What a small world.”

Yes, it’s a bit silly and unsophisticated but people who’ve never been anywhere can be like that. Better to see it as endearing rather than annoying.

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ChicagoRex@reddit

That's true, but I'd also assume any American tourist who proactively asks for a server's name is looking to have a friendly, personal exchange. In that case they'd probably be happy to be asked their name in return.

I’d say not necessarily usually. It depends on the the type of restaurant. Like a diner or a TGIF sure. But not more formal places.

There’s a trend where the waitstaff is trained to not only introduce themselves ( which is fine but not necessary) but also to ask ice breaker sort of questions from a script or something, which is the most cringe thing you could imagine.

I don’t think you should ask the customers their names unless you end up making some kind of personal connection. Also if you are not comfortable giving out your name, you could give a fake name. I feel like some hairdressers, telemarketers and other customer service types already do this.

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PlaysTheTriangle@reddit

Debt collectors (at least when I very briefly worked for one, I sucked at it-I felt bad for everyone) were required to as a safety measure.

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GamerDadofAntiquity@reddit

But I’m going to now lol

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ColoradoWeasel@reddit

It’s also not uncommon for customers that like a server to ask for their section by the server’s name when coming back to eat again. They may find servers they prefer and ask for them each time they come back.

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theeggplant42@reddit

'Usually' is doing some heavy lifting here.

bigmt99@reddit

Because it’s just a polite way of interacting if we can refer to eachother by our names

I teach now in Italy, but I spent a lot of my life in the service industry in the US with a name tag on my chest.

Asking their names is not necessary, but it’s a good opening to a quick conversation that will be memorable for them and possibly lead to a good gratuity.

Instead of asking them their names, pivot to “where are you from?”, then see where it goes. A quick back and forth will be welcome because a) they will be excited to talk about their vacation and b) it can be intimidating to order food in other countries, so a friendly server would be appreciated.

I feel like most Americans, especially the type who value travel, would welcome a genuine human moment.

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Fickle-Salamander-65@reddit

I wouldn’t worry about it. If you feel it’s appropriate to ask theirs because that’s polite in London, go for it. Likewise it may not be polite to then use when talking to them, depending on the type of service.

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HottestestestMess@reddit

This might be a controversial response, but: I waited tables for a long time and when people asked me my name, it was usually a signal that they’d use it to run me ragged the whole night and tip poorly. (For the non-Americans who aren’t familiar: your tips are a substantial part of your wage in most of the US.) It feels like one of those things that seems polite but is actually a weird power move.

As to your question: definitely not expected, and possibly discouraged, that you’d ask theirs. They could even interpret that as you clapping back at them for asking your name. That said, if you are a naturally charming person who could play it off as genuine interest, they could love it!

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AlucardDr@reddit

Went to a restaurant in Paris (France, not Texas!) with friends and halfway through the meal my gregarious friend realized that he didn't know the name of our female server. No introduction, no name tag. He stated he was determined to find out what her name was...

I, inwardly cringing, waited to see how that would go.

The next time she came to our table, my friend said "I realized I don't know your name."

The server looked him right in the eye and said, in perfect Enlglish, "If I told you I would have to kill you." Then walked away.

Best response ever!

For the rest of the meal she would be smiling as she served us. I loved it.

It's common for a watier to tell customers their name, both to personalize the interaction

And a lot of that is about getting better tips, something that doesn't exist in other countries.

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ZozicGaming@reddit

Also you know practicality since if you need your server for whatever reason(order desert, pay bill, etc). It would be rather rude to point to them and say hey you or some other similar attention getter.

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I usually immediately forget their name and then look around and realize that there are like 6 different medium-sized, brunette, of indeterminate age waitresses walking around, and then have to ask my wife which one was our waitress.

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DaBingeGirl@reddit

Same. I almost always immediately forgot my server's name, and I'm a regular at several restaurants.

Yeah even in the US, I really hate when they are fake buddy-buddy. I have had some over the years where the interactions actually felt genuine, I'm sure it was still more transactional then genuine on their side, but at least it wasn't super obvious.

I've noticed at nicer dining places, instead of asking if you want more water or whatever, they'll just walk by and fill it for you, or pick up empty plates, might not even be your assigned waiter that does so. I never understand why more casual places don't adopt those tactics, it does even cost anything extra or require any real extra work.

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ealing_ceiling@reddit

We do tip in the UK too! (Although tipping is normally around 12% of the bill here rather than 20)

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ButterscotchOdd8257@reddit

Yes.

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Indigo-au-naturale@reddit

If my server doesn't tell me their name, I ask them. I would hate to get into a situation where I need to get their attention and have to do some sort of "hey you" thing. It just feels more polite to me.

But yeah, only dads do the "Hi Jamie, I'm Ed and I'll be your customer today" response to being told their server's name 😂

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West_Inside_3112@reddit

It is in London, so local rules apply. There is no need to tell tourists your name, especially because there is no competition to suck out the biggest tip from customers. In Europe all staff work TOGETHER to provide good service. I guess you would ask their name to check which table they had reserved, but that is less common for walk ins in a touristy area.

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Mangledpie@reddit

My dad used to intentionally embarrass me by saying “hi (name), I’m Tim!” I dont know why it was so embarrassing - mostly because the waiter really doesn’t care.

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andmewithoutmytowel@reddit

Acceptable_Tea3608@reddit

See the comment further up the line.

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GuadDidUs@reddit

It's really not that overbearing. Like I'm a severe introvert and I can handle the 2 minutes of them introducing themselves while I scan the menu and see what I want.

You don't need a specific waiter, you catch the eye of any of them and ask for what you want.

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100pc_recycled_words@reddit

You typically only need to make eye contact as they’re passing, or say ‘excuse me’.

If they’re that further away from you that a spoken ‘excuse me’ wouldn’t work, very few people in the UK would be calling on them (e.g. raising their voice in a public place) anyways, so knowing their name becomes a moot point.

It's just practical because usually no one else will help if your server disappears. You stop someone and they'll ask "Well, who is your server?"

Also useful if you want to complain or compliment someone. Many restaurants expect servers to be named in reviews.

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Fantastic-Pear6241@reddit

Guess it's different in the UK cause of the tipping culture. Usually, even if wait staff are assigned specific tables, the job of helping customers is shared among the wait staff.

So if I stopped another waiter in the UK and asked for something they'll go "of course, one moment" and then go get that sorted for me. Whether it's doing it themselves or just passing on to the person who is looking after that area.

Usually it was a with someone like Mike, that came in every Tuesday, where I didn’t even have to ask. He literally said “I like your service, Im Mike and I’ll be back next Tuesday, hopefully in this section.” And he was, every week until I moved away. Thanks for all the tips, mike, you were a gem.

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Butter_mah_bisqits@reddit

I like to know who is waiting our table and would prefer to use the server’s name when asking for something. When I waited tables ages ago, people would snap their fingers or call me, hey lady. I find that rude. I am from the south, so if you ask my name, we’ll become lifelong friends and I don’t want to do that to you.

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GudsIdiot@reddit

In your best British officer voice , tell them your name is “Sir” and that they “damn well better use it.”

They’ll get a kick out of that.

It’s one of those nice things IMO. Something polite but not always genuine. More of a habit. It’s not really meant for the staff, so having them ask might be odd.

The toxic side of this is often used to manipulate people. It does make you feel good to hear your name, scientifically. Just by using your name, you’re more likely to check in on them more often. They feel liberated to ask more of you. It’s for their benefit, not yours.

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Decent_Historian6169@reddit

Typically it is normal for waiters to wear name tags and introduce themselves at the beginning of the meal. It is common for people to know their server’s name. It is unnecessary for you to ask the customer’s name. They don’t expect that.

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Bzman1962@reddit

American waiters didn’t always give their names but it has been entrenched for decades now. It is believed customers will treat them better and tip more if they feel like they “know” the waiter. The customers are just trying to be nice to you but you could say “we don’t do that here” or some such.

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GamerDadofAntiquity@reddit

I wouldn’t, unless you’re really good at remembering names. If a waiter or waitress asked me for my name I’d tell them and wouldn’t consider it weird. If they came back and used my name to ask if I wanted a refill or something I’d honestly be mildly impressed… But if they asked for it and then never used it, that would be a bit odd.

No seriously. The people who ask your name are about to be the world's worst table. They are about to ask for 'half fat coke,' ordered steaks well done (but still pink inside!), send back half of everything, and joke that they hated it when you take away licked-clean plates. They'll let their kids run amok, the older men will ask you pointed political questions (male) or openly sexual proposals (female), and any skinny women will pour their entire glass of water directly into their plate of half-eaten food as a diet hack. They are going to tell you that since you have mashed potatoes you simply must have French fries and that they're deathly allergic to gluten but can cheat a little on vacay. They are going to ask you to define every word on your menu, ask you if hamburgers are a 'regional thing,' ask to be moved because they're too cold and for the A/C to be cranked up when you oblige. When they leave they'll stack up all the dishes and silverware between them so you can't pick them up in a dignified manner and stuff their napkins in the half-empty water cups, even if they're linen.

Uh, I’ve worked a lot of places where it is routine to use an alias, because some customers try to claim that Bob told them something was allowed or Bob didn’t charge me. Even with name tags, there was one place where people would just wear the one left from ten years earlier.

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Fluid_Anywhere_7015@reddit

Just tell them your name. Most of the time it’s because we don’t want you to feel, as a wait person, that you’re just a piece of furniture.

I don’t think you can really go wrong, though, especially since tourists already know they’re outside their own culture.

P.S. It’s so nice to hear you call us sweet 🥹 we get so much hate for being “fake,” but we really are just a jovial lot!

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drsfmd@reddit

GARÇON!

"Garcon means boy"

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sapgetshappy@reddit

Indeed it does 😊 It’s also an antiquated term for “waiter.” Just makin a lil joke

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drsfmd@reddit

It was in quotation marks for a reason. It's a famous line from Pulp Fiction.

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sapgetshappy@reddit

Ah OK, I thought you typo’d 😅 been a while since I saw that movie!

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Proper-Application69@reddit

Posts should show how many times the OP has commented (as in responded to other’s comments).

dontforgettowriteme@reddit

You don't use, "sir/ma'am/excuse me" to get the attention of an employee whose name you don't know? How is that cold?

A waiter just randomly asking our names without that whole previous interaction is either needing it to announce when our take out is ready or I had them write it on a souvenir menu from a very expensive restaurant thanking us.

We have a regular place we go, and we call one waitress Halley cause we only see her every 78 years it seems

I honestly do not know her actual name, that’s horrible

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Ouisch@reddit

Not necessary to ask their names, but if you hear an American accent it would be friendly to ask "Where are you from?". Most tourists enjoy chatting about their hometown and then comparing it to the place they're visiting.

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Curious_Leader_2093@reddit

No. They're just trying to speak to you more personally because treating people who are serving you as equals is important to Americans.

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Do you say "excuse me, cashier" or "excuse me, pharmacist" when interacting with other people at their jobs??

i find this particular peek into european coldness quite fascinating

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Cheap-Vegetable-4317@reddit

I will will say Excuse me Doctor to a doctor.

According to American TV shows this is normal on America. You aren't calling doctors by their first names. It would be disrespectful.

In most service situations you don't call people anything, you just say excuse me. You might say sir or madam.

South_Web4277@reddit

That’s not true at all. I work in fine dining and we often ask for the names of our guests. We keep track of who they are and what they like and a big reason why we have regulars is because we’ve taken the time to get to know them outside of being a customer. I also don’t greet with my name, so if a guest asks, I in turn ask theirs.

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nabrok@reddit

It's interesting that the comments seem kind of split on this. I think the type of establishment makes a difference, different rules for fine vs casual restaurants.

Steve would I be able to get a side of ranch?

Hey waiter would I be able to get a side of ranch?

No, in the USA, it's usually, "Hi, I'm Joe and I'll be your server today." That's it. In olden days when dinosaurs walked the earth, it was very common for people to wear nametags when working at restaurants. Not so much anymore.

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andmen2015@reddit

I never know if I should just say my name or ask them for their name, too?

pudding7@reddit

I've never shaken the hand of a server in my life. That'd be super wierd.

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Marrowshard@reddit

So weird. They're handling food and probably have very clean hands! I am 44 years old have lived in the US since I was 6, and have never in my life had a waiter/ress try to shake my hand or seen anyone else do it.

Car salesman? Yes. Waitstaff? Hell no. Is that a boomer thing?

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InternalCultural447@reddit

I know the context matters and what you mean, but it sounds like something a super wealthy old time classist person would say. Lol.

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pudding7@reddit

I'm none of those things. Just a regular dude.

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InternalCultural447@reddit

No I know, I was saying it as a joke. Like that line can be read as Mallory Archer. I know what you meant, and ya it would be odd.

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No-Pickle-8200@reddit

That would be unusual to do with a server at a restaurant though?

No, you will upset and frighten them.

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thymeofmylyfe@reddit

Customers in the US will ask your name to

Let you know that they think of you as a full person and not a faceless servant
Leave a good review (or a bad one) mentioning you by name

It's part of American anti-class culture. It's an important value to not look down on somebody because of their job and to believe in class mobility. (Anyone can get rich if they work hard enough, regardless of how true it actually is.)

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QuentinMagician@reddit

And ask for you when you go missing. I.e., I cant find you and I want my water refilled. Or more importantly my red wine

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No-Sail-6510@reddit

No and many time in the US the wait staff might even have a name tag for this purpose. Asking their names would take time and nobody cares. Why just want to be nice and it’s an easy way to do it for them.

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Additional_Low8050@reddit

Just say your name~ their names don’t matter as they’ll be gone in 55 minutes

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Retinoid634@reddit

NYC former server here. This was never a NYC thing IME but tourists from other parts of the US would sometimes ask. I’d just tell them, I don’t think I ever asked their name. Sometimes they’d introduce themselves and I’d just roll with it as Americans are sometimes overly-friendly. If they ask too many questions I’d just say something like “oh that’s just too long a story” in a friendly way and say I had stuff to do at other tables. Friendly small talk is one thing but discussing personal info was not happening.

She once surprised me when we entered a family run restaurant in Portugal where she had not been for five years by greeting almost the entire staff by name. (We resided in New York at the time and were on vacation.) The staff greeted her on a first name basis as well.

One time our server, a 20-something woman, introduced herself, squatted down with her arms on the table, then asked me and my sons our names, all around the table. It was really awkward, not friendly, just weird.

Reciting our names as if we were kids in school. Nope. Just nope.

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tetrasodium@reddit

It's just so they can say "Bob was my waiter can you get him we'd like to add XYZ" and similar. You could say " I'm Bob, you?" But it wouldn't be expected given the context and they wouldn't think anything odd if you instead said "I'm Bob the pzq-appetizer/cocktail is really popular" instead.

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Dunder-Muffin36@reddit

I don't expect staff to ask for my name here (midwest). Most of the places I go to, the waiter introduces themselves when they first approach the table, "Hi, I'm Amy, and I'll be taking care of you today. Can I get you something to drink?". Otherwise, some places have them wear name tags. I like to call them by their names, but for them to ask me for mine would be odd.

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ReallySmallWeenus@reddit

Do what feels right for you. Match their vibes if you want, or don’t.

That isn’t really an “American” thing as much as an extra thing some people try to do to be polite. I personally find it annoying, but it’s never really rude to do. It’s also never an expectation.

I’ve been an American all my life and can confidently say that this would seem really weird, except maybe you could get away with it because they might chalk it up to a British custom and think it’s fun to play along.

The only time I’ve ever been addressed by name in a restaurant is fine dining where my name is on the reservation and even then it will be like “Welcome Mr & Mrs Smith”, “Not, Hi John”

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I would not mind if you asked my name. I cannot vouch for other Americans though.

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PhoTronic28@reddit

Like most other people have said, Servers/Waiters in America typically introduce themselves or wear a name tag. It’s also not uncommon for guests to ask for their name for any number of reasons (positive review, generosity, to ask to sit in their section in the future). But typically guests don’t share their name, and I can say I’ve never been asked for my name. I certainly wouldn’t mind, but I would probably think about it (Not in a negative way, just a curious pondering), only since it would be a first for me.

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StrawberryKiss2559@reddit

No

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No_Cobbler154@reddit

if you want you can, but you have way more customers to keep up with than they have their 1 server of their table. you’re not going to ask & remember everyone’s names & hopefully they know that 😂 usually they’re trying to communicate that they see you as a person not as “staff” by asking you your name

or they want a name to shout when they summon you 😂

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Thaimontana@reddit

I like to establish rapport with nice people

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You can but it’s not usually done. I think the understanding is while we have just you to remember that would put too much strain for you to remember everyone’s names on top of everything else you have going on in your job at the time. We just want to treat you like the human you are and expecting you to call us by name while we are there for such a short time wouldn’t make sense. We also do it just in case we need to ask for you (makes it easier to find you instead of describing how you look) or compliment you at the end of the meal to your manager.

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ContributionDapper84@reddit

No cuz then they might expect you to remember it, and that could be challenging during a long busy week.

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pudding7@reddit

It would be odd for a waiter to ask the names of the customers. It's very common for waiters to introduce themselves by name though.

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DoubleBreastedBerb@reddit

Give them a fake name.

It's not a huge part of restaurant culture here, but it's not uncommon.

Generally it's a two way street.

That would be strange and unusual. I've never had a server asked for my name, and I think I'd be taken aback by that a little.

It's pretty common in restaurant culture in the US for a server to introduce themselves by name. It's not universal, but it's pretty common. I think it ties to tipping culture and the desire to be as friendly as possible.

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Asking for their name back would be slightly unusual, but not offensive. You can, but definitely don’t need to.

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ThePurityPixel@reddit

It's really not typical for that to be a two-way dynamic, unless you really have a truly exceptional vibe with them.

Them knowing your name is both personable and practical, as they want to be able to get your attention as needed. But you don't have that need yourself, as the server. You'd just walk up to them.

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exitparadise@reddit

I would not ask their name unless you have a very specific reason to ask. It would be very weird to just ask for theirs after they ask for yours, because you're not expected to call them by name.

The only reason I would say it's OK to ask their name is if you've gotten very friendly, and they are wanting to interact with you outside of your work. Like if they invited you out on a date or something.

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mr_lockwork@reddit

I would say it varies. My friendly midwestern self would absolutely love it if you asked my name in return, but I get that it may not be a universal rule. If they are asking for yours, i'd say its more likely than not that they would appreciate it if you asked in return.

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huazzy@reddit

It's part of the song/dance of American dining culture for the server (At sit down restaurants) to introduce themselves.

i.e "Hi. I'm and I'll be your server today. Can I start you off with anything to drink?"

I never remember the person's name unless it's something odd like "Computer Blue".

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FalloutRip@reddit

If you want, sure, though usually they should offer their name as courtesy.

Usually when I ask the conversation goes like

“Do you mind if I ask your name?” Or “I’m sorry I didn't catch your name -“

Then they provide their name

“[So-and-so] nice to meet you, I’m Falloutrip.”

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tibearius1123@reddit

Yes, ask their name as a part of a proper introduction. You don’t need to use theirs throughout the conversation though. However, slipping it in may be nice, “and here’s the black pudding for Jane. A meat pie for bill…”

Alternatively, you can give your name at the beginning. “Good afternoon, I’m Joe. I’ll be your server, can I start you off with some drinks?”

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Solid_Parsley_@reddit

I think it's weird that they are asking for your name. It's generally seen (among waitstaff) as overly familiar. At least that has been the case in the restaurants I've worked at. But no, there is no need for you to ask their name as well. If you wanted to make a connection, they would probably love if you asked them how long they've been in the UK, if they are enjoying their trip, etc.

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Completely-Lost9@reddit

I wouldn't ask. A very friendly person might just volunteer it but there's no reason for you to know their name. They just need your name to get your attention if they need something.

In America usually the waiter introduces themselves at the start. "Hi I'm John I'll be taking care of you tonight"

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