Do you dread going back to see family?

Posted by ktitten@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 42 comments

I live in Edinburgh, my family are in a small town in South England. And my god, do I dread going to see them. I hate that I have to take annual leave to do so. I hate that I cannot do things I enjoy in my every day life in Scotland (go to yoga classes, gigs, museums). I hate that transport is much more expensive and much harder to get around. I hate the fact I don't ever save any money because I have to buy my own food as I have dietary requirements. I hate that nothing has changed in the town, everything is the same and not much more to 'explore'. Does anyone else feel similar? I quite like my life, and just because family obligations I feel like I have to uproot everything I enjoy about life a couple of times a year.

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42 Comments

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bars_and_plates@reddit

You hate that you have to take time off work, doing yoga, and going to gigs, to see your family? Might I suggest that the issue is that you have packed your life absolutely full with trivial nonsense that doesn't matter? Is this a troll post? It reads like one of those weird posts from people who would rather be in an office doing spreadsheets than watching baby's first steps?

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

It is because of parentification and neglect. Past about the age of 10 my parents didnt really parent me, instead I had to be the parent for my sister and carer for my mother. So going home reminds me of work not rest. They probably have a laundry list of things for me to sort out when im home. So I dont really feel like they raised me. My friends and partner that have been there for me in times of massive change and hardship - they more feel like they raised me and support me and so I do see them as a chosen family. Going to my actual family feels like I am ripped miles away from all this support and love. Where I live, im involved in community activism and volunteering which I adore and gives me a lot of fufilment in life - I cant do that at home. It's not that I dont like taking time off work, of course I do, its just that I dont like using up my annual leave to feel like working and not being able to do many of my hobbies, it doesnt really feel like rest. I hope that makes sense. We do see it in opposite ways but I think because of my experiences, of course I will see it differently. I do really value rest, love and family- just my family arent the best place for that unfortunately. You were right, I had to unlearn a lot. But luckily I dont see myself as someone who just lives to work. I actually choose to work part time so I can do community stuff and spend time with my partner.

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bars_and_plates@reddit

Yes, it all makes sense. It sounds like you don't like your family and it's a pain in the arse to be around them, so then of course you don't want to spend time with them. I don't think that's too uncommon really - but in your posts (original and this one) it comes across quite differently, at least to me, as if you're just annoyed that you're not doing something else.

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ItsDominare@reddit

If I don't want to do something, I don't do it. It's a pretty simple rule for a happy life.

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PushZealousideal6585@reddit

Was my favourite thing about lockdown, not even having to bother making up shit excuses 'have tested, not positive, but dont want to risk it, lets try again in 6 months'

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Lovecraftian666@reddit

Used to be like that before my wife estranged the in-laws for their constant toxic behaviour - now happiest we’ve ever been. Wife doesn’t always get on with my mother but it’s manageable. She loves my dad. Honestly family estrangement was great for us past the short term pain for it, long term we are better people. Totally get why some aren’t in a position to do it, but sod what you read in the papers pitying the parents, there is a reason these things happen

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

My parents arent toxic now but they did neglect me as a child. So its a bit like, they wont do anything when I am home that will negatively effect me. But still, the trauma and memories are there. And as a result I'll never open up to my family. So I do revert to a very emotionally unavailable and stoic version of myself that I have done a lot of work to get out of. In that way it is damaging to my mental health, but its not them actively causing it anymore.

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AltforStrongOpinions@reddit

You sound annoying.

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

Yeah I probably am to be honest!

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AltforStrongOpinions@reddit

Haha, props for being honest! Look; it's just part of growing up, yes you don't get to choose your family but unless they were locking you in sewage tanks or something, then it's something you just deal with. All these reddit people saying how they cut their family out completely are either a) liars or b) maniacs.

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JennyW93@reddit

My mother just got herself a job at my workplace, which has put something of a spanner in the estrangement works. Parents can be wild. Genuinely wild.

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Prestigious-Garbage5@reddit

My parents both died when I was a relatively young adult. Both deaths were sudden and unexpected. They weren't perfect, but in spite of their faults they were my parents, and I know they loved me. Forty years on, I still miss them and wish I'd appreciated them more while they were still alive. You don't know what the future holds, so take a bit of time, if only just occasionally, and go and see them.

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cozywit@reddit

I don't do things I can control that I hate. I'm a grown up. Anyone else?

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PorkAmbassador@reddit

Agreed, I had major issues with my Mum that I tried to fix, but she is narcissistic, everything is about her, doesn't show any interest in others, so after trying multiple times, I cut her out of my life. On OP's discussion, it's only a couple of times a year, suck it up if there are no alternatives like moving closer or if they can travel and meet halfway.

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samsaBEAR@reddit

One of the weirdest revelations I had as a teen was realising that if I met my Mum as a random stranger I wouldn't let her emotionally/mentally manipulate me or my sister the way that she did, so why the fuck am I letting her do it to us just because she's our Mum?

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PorkAmbassador@reddit

100% feel this, it's crazy, isn't it? It's been a few years for me, and that part of my life is so much better now. Im not stressing or getting anxious about talking to her or seeing her. Until she changes and realises her mistakes, it's going to stay like this.

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

Aye this is why I think it gripes me so much! Usually I am one to myself and never do things I dont want to do. This is the only thing I havent managed to.

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excitedbynaps@reddit

No, I feel you on this. Its not that you don't like family or don't want to spend time with them - but it's always a huge step away from life. For me, it's like reverting back to childhood. Where my family lives is in the countryside and where I can't drive (blind), the public transport getting there is a nightmare and Im at the mercy of everyone elses whims whilst I am there. I feel guilty, but since I don't really see eye to eye with my mum, I do put off visiting.

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

Yes this is exactly how it feels for me too. Like I have a really great and fufilling life and then I revert back to before I had all that. The public transport is the worst, I am blessed with free and plentiful buses in Edinburgh. Back with my parents, nah.

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Tacklestiffener@reddit

I live abroad so any trip back is a pig-fest of Maltesers, Dark Chocolate Hobnobs and Minstrels. Oh.... and family too.

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Jealous-Reveal1899@reddit

Yeah, this is way more common than people admit. Once you’ve built a life somewhere else, going “home” can feel less like a break and more like putting your real life on hold for a bit. You still care about your family, but the routine, independence, and things you enjoy where you live now are hard to switch off. Totally get why it feels draining. ://

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OptionalQuality789@reddit

No I enjoy seeing my family.

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Groovy66@reddit

My family are in London so always loved going back. My regret is that I didn’t more as they’re now dead.

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sweggles3900@reddit

Why can't you go to yoga classes, gigs and museums in Scotland? There's plenty of them

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

Thats what I mean - plenty in Scotland but not many where my parents are from in England. Transport is expensive to get anywhere that does have these.

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sweggles3900@reddit

Oh my mistake i misread

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smellyfeet25@reddit

Ah you should appreciate family. You never know when you might not have them.Whereabouts in south England are you referring?

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Superb_Copy1644@reddit

I used to think this. Then I stopped seeing them as it was horrible. Then a few died and I’ve felt no worse for it.

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CriticalCentimeter@reddit

No. I wish I could see my family more.

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Hazz3r@reddit

There are things that I dislike about going to see family. But it's worth it because it means family time.

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Own-Heat2669@reddit

Can they visit you? I used to do all the legwork and expense to visit mine (not as far, but still 150 miles) and often stayed in hotels so as not to put anyone out. It took me a long time to realise that they could visit me - but didn't. So I stopped.

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Superb_Copy1644@reddit

We hold hands in the car and chant before we go in “they’ll die before us, they’ll die before us”

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flyingmooset@reddit

What place in south England? Not (just) being nosy - I’ve a feeling it might be familiar to me…

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Apsalar28@reddit

I try and fit the duty family visit into another activity. I need to change train in Manchester or Liverpool to get to the relevant part of rural Wales so I'll go to the city one day and go to a gig, museum or something, stay in a cheap hotel and then carry on the journey the next day. Makes it feel more like a holiday.

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Kara_Zor_El19@reddit

I don’t dread it (moved from Lancashire to Teesside) but I don’t miss home like I used to

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AltforStrongOpinions@reddit

Just go to your uncles retirement and pretend to find his jokes funny, it's part of being a normal person, you aren't being sent to Baghdad.

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

Yeah I figured its part of being a normal person which is why I posted here and not askBaghdad

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riderism@reddit

You forgot to hate the water

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ktitten@reddit (OP)

Oh yeah that part.

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PorkAmbassador@reddit

Scottish water is the best water, period.

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GreenComfortable927@reddit

I finally stopped after realising the 'family' in question didn't appreciate it.

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