For those who grew up in orphanages, what happened after you turned 18?
Posted by Era_mnesia@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 54 comments
How did you build your life and continue your education, and did you find freedom or loneliness?
Responsible-Fall3754@reddit
the state of oregon dropped me off under a bridge, after 14 years of being a ward, mid way thru my 17th year. I was homeless for a while working restaurant jobs, I finally got a job at 37 that wasn't in a restaurant, still pays like crap but Ive learned a actual skill. I'm 46 now and have never had a relationship last more than a few months, I haven't even tried in the last 10 plus years, and still renting rooms. This system is brutal if you don't have a buffer, and my abandonment issues seem to be too much to overcome. It makes me a jealous insecure person in a relationship and thats not fair to anyone.
I try and find happiness in the fact that I live on a planet in the expanse of a universe I don't understand. I find existence to be a mind boggling wonder, and know that what ever im going thru won't last forever.
EloquentRacer92@reddit
TIL orphanages aren't really a thing in my country
Reasonable_Grab_1064@reddit
In 1998 I was put into foster care at 5.5 and then I was put up for adoption. By the time I was six and a half I was considered unadoptable. So I became a state sanction orphan no family. I became homeless when I aged out because I had zero familie no adoption nor biological I'm 33 and I still have no connection with my biological family
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
My FIL entered the military. It's a popular option for kids in foster care (we don't have orphanages here anymore).
ilovjedi@reddit
There are group homes which seem similar in some ways. It’s an institutional setting.
WhereasTherefore@reddit
Those are generally reserved for teens with specific issues like drug addiction.
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
My brother was in one as a teen. Got kicked out of the house for being gay, and since it was considered a mental illness back then he wasn't returned home right away. (And my dad had a lot of influence/resources to keep him out.)
But he was not an orphan or ward of the state. Now my nephew did move to a group home as a teenager, after his parents ceded custody to the state. He is severely cognitively disabled, and became physically too large for them to care for, and they could not afford to pay for an ALF.
He's 22 now and still lives in the same home. It's not super institutional; it's a regular house with 4 young men living there, all of whom have a degree of disability but not as large as his. Initially, it was a home for minor boys but it converted into an adult home so he got to stay. He likes it and his mom visits him a few times a week. (His asshole dad hasn't visited in years.)
djc91L@reddit
I’m so sorry to that happened to your brother. If you don’t mind me asking, did he make okay as an adult?
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
Yes, for the most part. But he's struggled with drug and alcohol problems throughout. Getting some good therapy right now actually, and he's sober for the first time since he was like 16.
However, a lot of gay guys his age suffered from similar things, or worse. Especially those from very religious/conservative communities.
We lived in a liberal, not-churchy big city (Seattle) with support for gay kids even then.
Thank you for asking and your nice comment. <3
djc91L@reddit
I’m glad to hear he’s doing better.
counteraxe@reddit
Those kinds of homes are often called intermediate care facilities for developmental disabilities. Many homes have consistent residents for decades as young people are placed after they can no longer be cared for by their family and they age in place with their roommates/friends. Technically this is still 'institutional' care but really it is living in a normal suburban home in the community. A really good improvement from institutions of the past.
KittyCubed@reddit
As a teacher, the group homes that fed into our school district were emergency ones (up to 90 day placement) thought the kids would be moved around to another one once their time was up (they switched schools a lot, and often they were SPED students though it would take forever to get their paperwork so that we could service them properly.
therealdrewder@reddit
Orphanages haven't really been a thing in the United States since the 70s. They started being phased out around 1910 and were a minority option after ww2. They've been completely replaced by foster care systems.
MyUsername2459@reddit
America really doesn't have orphanages any more, certainly not as a normal thing. . .and hasn't for a number of decades.
Orphanages in the US began to close in the 1950's and by the 1960's, the US moved to a foster home system where children were placed living with families that are paid by the state to provide a home to children without a family, whether due to the death of the parents, or if the parents have lost custody for various reasons and there's no member of the family that can take them in.
Nobody under retirement age in the US grew up in an orphanage.
nevermindthatyoudope@reddit
By and large this is true but not absolutely true. In the town where I grew up there was an orphanage run by the Catholic Church, it shuttered in the mid 80s but they stopped taking in new kids in the early 80s. If those last kids are still alive they are staring down the barrel of retirement but likely still working.
Traditional_Trust418@reddit
We don't have orphanages anymore. Most kids without parents go to foster care
stroppo@reddit
How are the rest housed if no foster parent takes them in?
Khaleesi_dany_t@reddit
So there's different types of placement, foster homes, provisional/fictive kin placements, group homes, and there are transitional youth services for kids of a certain age
Foster is what you'd expect, provisional is a blood family member and fictive kin is that family member you've known all your whole life but isn't biologically related
Transitional youth services is a program to help older foster kids prepare for life as adults and typically start at around 14, and as you get older the more the program evolves. I do believe there's part of the program, at least on Arkansas, that allows the kid to live mostly independently on like an apartment on a campus. They'd still be chaperoned but they're kinda living on their own?
There are also private companies people sign up with to foster children. These are typically the people who "foster to adopt" instead of the idea of giving the child stability while the parent (hopefully) is getting the help they need. The goal of foster care is supposed to be reunification but obviously there are extreme cases where that's not an option from the start. But typically the foster care worker will help the partner get enrolled in anger management, parenting classes, rehab, whatever resource they need. And if the parent wants change they will and the caseworker does their job right then the parents will get better and the kids can be placed back.
This turned into a whole thing sorry. I used to work in foster care transporting kids/parents to visits, appointments etc.
Traditional_Trust418@reddit
They get sent to a group home or a temporary foster placement
stroppo@reddit
Thank you, I did not know what happened to such kids.
dglawyer@reddit
Isn’t a group home an orphanage? I mean, it’s smaller but the concept is the same, no?
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
It's temporary custody, not a permanent home. Group homes also take kids whose parents can't care for them (serving prison time, hospitalized with a serious illness etc.) and there's no guardian or family member who can take them in.
Kids who live in group homes permanently are often wards of the state. My nephew was one of them: he's severely disabled and his parents couldn't afford the care he needed, so they ceded custody and now his care is paid for by Medicaid.
TanglingPuma@reddit
In Oregon we have that problem. Those kids literally stay in hotels with a rotating social worker. The Feds told the state to stop doing it but we still don’t have any families taking them, so some get shipped out to Montana or Idaho families.
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2023/07/oregons-failure-to-stop-housing-foster-kids-in-hotels-draws-federal-judges-rebuke.html
KittyCubed@reddit
Group homes are an option though those can be terrible (as can foster homes). Had a number of former students go through both. They were rarely with us longer than 3 months (the group homes were up to 90 day placements). We also had refugees who were moved a lot as well among Catholic Charities. All these kids just wanted stability and hated being moved around.
WhereasTherefore@reddit
Somebody takes them in. There’s foster parents who specialize in short term and emergency placements so there’s always someone on call.
Khaleesi_dany_t@reddit
So I know if Arkansas, after you turn 18 you can stay in the system and be given your room and board stipend, and the foster care system will help you with stuff like college, paying from a prom dress, and you can stay in it until the age of 25. You can also leave this arrangement at anytime, or if you left at 18 I think you can talk to your case worker about getting back in the program
Sadly 20% of foster kids who age out and leave the program become homeless
LetterheadClassic306@reddit
i mentored a few folks who aged out and the biggest thing was the sudden lack of structure. some found community college to be a good bridge because it gave them routine and connections. there are also specific nonprofits in most states that help with housing and education grants for former foster youth. it's a rough transition but having one stable adult during that time makes a huge difference.
Drawn-Otterix@reddit
tessathejedi@reddit
We don’t really do orphanages in my country but as I got into the system pretty late (14 years) I didn’t go to foster care but a live in group- similar concept but smaller groups. Mostly between 5-8 kids + 1-3 Caretakers. When I was 18 I got a minijob, got the child support money (my country gives it to parents until kids move out, then the kid gets it until it’s either done with education or 25 years old.) With that money I got a room and lived in shared flats.
Ratatoskr_The_Wise@reddit
My mom grew up in an orphanage here in Chicago. When she graduated at age 18 and had to leave, she moved in with her older sister, got a job and paid her rent.
Emotional_Pitch_2368@reddit
These systems are extremely ineffective at preparing 18 year old kids to be productive members of society. There is a massive lack of social programs designed to help the transition - ESPECIALLY as it relates to mental health.
Many foster families do what they can, but this may surprise you, it’s not the billionaires out there taking in troubled kids. So even those good ones willing to give their time effort and money aren’t the best positioned to turn these kids’ lives around.
Many of the foster kids I knew in the system have been in and out of jail, have drug issues, have difficulty maintaining relationships, and struggle with many of the same mental health issues associated with homelessness.
In short, we’re not doing great my guy…
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
Kids typically go through a LOT of trauma before they end up in the foster care system. And some foster parents do it mainly for the money, and may continue to abuse/neglect those kids.
Re jail/prison, a big chunk of people serving time have been in the foster system. From Google:
shelwood46@reddit
I will note that the US foster care system doesn't make it terribly lucrative to be a foster parent. The monthly stipend seldom covers more than the basics (and not the whole whack, it varies by state but is seldom more than $1K/mo), and it's not going to support an adult or even a stay-at-home-parent. This is in contrast to the UK system, which pays family a much higher monthly stipend with the expectation that one or both parents will be staying home. They also provide housing and transition money to kids aging out of the system, while the US often just dumps kids who age-out onto their own, where they would need to figure out a way to support themselves and often to live.
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
I went through the entire foster parent training program for a volunteer position working with kids in transition. Most of the people in it were couples looking to adopt, but there were a few who were looking to take on foster kids.
The latter group were almost universally disinterested in doing anything but the bare minimum, in class. Of course, there seemed to be a definite socioeconomic split, with the prospective adoptive parents being wealthier, in stable marriages or relationships. (None of the prospective fosterees attended with a partner.)
OceanPoet87@reddit
Orphanages aren't really around but there are foster kids.
crazdtow@reddit
I grew up on off and on in the foster care system, basically by 18 I was so ready to be gone and on my own. I’m a woman and got a roommate the same age and we split a cheap apartment while I waited tables and she worked in a deli. It wasn’t glamorous but it worked until progressing to better jobs as time progressed. There is typically zero support after you “age out “ of the system so it’d best to prepare to be self reliant and many young people in that situation not only are aware of this but look forward to having that independence finally. While it’s not glamorous it’s also not always awful. I went on to have a successful career in finance and my own family as well.
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
Glad you were able to carve out a successful life for yourself. I worked with a woman with a similar background. She got married fairly young, and is now wildly successful in the advertising field.
crazdtow@reddit
Aw thank you it’s been a roller coaster ride but I don’t normally factor that party of my life into the equation anymore.
Underground_turtles@reddit
Orphanages haven't been a thing here in decades, but millions of kids grow up in foster homes and often they have no support at all once they turn 18. It's a real problem, and those kids turn to drugs or sex work at a higher rate than average because they lack resources and a support system and nearly always have a history of trauma. There are a few private non-profits that offer assistance, but to my knowledge, there is no wide scale program to help.
Smooth_Cost1274@reddit
Do the foster families only support the kids until 18? Don't they become like a family for life? Or is that only with adoption?
Puzzlehead_Gen@reddit
It depends largely on the foster family. Unfortunately, a lot of them are only doing it for the extra money the government provides until the child is legally an adult at 18, and ages out of the system. We really need to do a much better job of supporting these young adults until they are established with a job that can support them and they have learned the skills they need to survive.
shelwood46@reddit
I mean, it's also often not a lot of money, and they may not be able to support the young adult without it (a situation many non-foster poor families also find themselves in).
Puzzlehead_Gen@reddit
That's true, but we can always treat people, especially children in our care, with kindness. I worked in the court system, and have known a lot of kids who grew up in the foster care system throughout my life. I've met some really great foster parents and seen firsthand the damage caused by those who aren't in it for the right reasons.
Smooth_Cost1274@reddit
This is so sad. Having to fend for yourself at 18 with no support sounds terrifying. I just want to root for all these kids and hope they make it.
CharlesAvlnchGreen@reddit
After the kid turns 18 they age out of the foster care system. Sure, some lucky kids get adopted by a foster family but that is the exception rather than the rule.
Now that I think about it, I had a coworker who was in foster care. When she got married, one of her foster parents stood in for her mom at her wedding.
She is super successful now, a creative director at a big, national ad agency in LA.
stroppo@reddit
I would assume it varies. I read a news story about a woman in foster care, the first family didn't work out, but she really bonded with the next couple and remained friends w/them after she became an adult.
amethystmmm@reddit
We don't so much have orphanages as we have the "foster care system" which is a mishmash of 53 or so different systems (every state and territory has its own rules) that kids can get stuck in if their parents die, and they don't have relatives, go to prison, get really bad hooked on drugs, etc. There are typically group homes as well as individual homes, sometimes permanent, sometimes temporary (often called "respite care"). Some kids get adopted, some go back to their parents, or other relatives, and some "age out" of the system, which can happen at 18, but some kids are deemed to need longer and age out at 21 (this happened to my incredibly autistic wife). Once the foster family/care facility releases them, that's it. no obligations, no additional assistance (my wife did get dropped off at her uncle's house, a several-hours drive, because her family was very kind).
eyetracker@reddit
You don't leave the orphanage at 18, you have to eat your meat. Then you can leave with a to-go box of pudding.
panicnarwhal@reddit
orphanages haven’t been a thing in the US in a really long time, we have foster care here. a kid gets given up or removed, and they’re placed in a home. infants and toddlers are highly sought after, and they’re usually run through foster to adopt as fast as the court system allows
i was removed from my home by CPS and was placed in foster care. basically, you’re placed with a family, and they get paid a monthly stipend to care for you. you’re often in more than one home over the years if you’re taken when older (like if you’re taken by CPS at age 6/7 and up)
but babies given up at birth are in high demand and adopted really fast
rileyoneill@reddit
One of my grandfathers (by marriage, but I grew up with him as being my grandfather), was an orphan and lived in orphanages. He would have turned 18 in the early 1950s. This was a sensitive topic, he never spoke about it with us, and we were told to never mention it. From what I understand he left early at like 16 or 17 and just sort of got a job and an apartment and got on with his adult life.
I have known people who grew up in foster care who are closer to my age, some went into the military, some tried to go off to college and live in a dorm, some moved into an apartment with their friends from high school.
sneezhousing@reddit
We don't really have orphanages for many decades. Foster care or group homes.
They phase them ou5 now until 21. They get a case worker and helps them with independent living and things
CandidateHefty329@reddit
I knew someone from Elon Home for Children in NC.
He went back to the mother the state took him from. It was bad. I wanted him to look into Job Corps or the military. But he stayed with his mother and she stole money from him. And emotionally abused him.
manicpixidreamgirl04@reddit
We don't have orphanages here.
mugenhunt@reddit
That being said, foster care programs are designed to help kids in the system get ready to be independent when they become 18. They aren't always effective at this, but there are supposed to be programs that prepare orphans in the custody of the state for life outside of foster care.