Xena just discovered the internet. What’s the first thing she’s doing?
Posted by SakuraTacos@reddit | xena | View on Reddit | 130 comments
Posted by SakuraTacos@reddit | xena | View on Reddit | 130 comments
BookkeeperNo6615@reddit
Having Uber eats deliver fried chicken 🍗
Competitive-Panda824@reddit
THROW THAT I CRAP OUT GET S23 ULTRA 😁 😁 😁 😁
vey0nce@reddit
Guys she probably helped create the internet not just discovered it
Surrea_Wanderer@reddit
-Fishing hacks -Hong Kong Cinema -Bisexual porn
And Gabrielle discovered ao3 and hasn't been heard from in several days
Agent8699@reddit
Googles:
How to atone for 10 years of warlording?
Is redemption possible if you have killed hundreds of thousands of people?
Which afterlife is the most generous to people guilt of committing untold atrocities?
How to get away with murder in current times?
Is it self defence if I stalk goons on the streets and kill them with my sword?
Is it self defence if I stalk goons on the streets and put the pinch on them?
What are the best spots for fishing nearby?
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
She gets a reddit account for more advice:
• When I was a pirate (19F), I met a Roman nobleman (19M) after my men took him for ransom. He seemed pretty cool about it; gave me advice on how much he was worth and we even hooked up. We said goodbye on good terms but when we met up again, he broke my legs, crucified me, and killed my only friend. So I made it my life’s mission to get revenge on him and I might’ve killed a few thousand people in the process. Am I the asshole?
• I (30F) told my girlfriend (21F) even in death I would never leave her. But she wants me to live on a commune that she’d be in charge of with a bunch of rando, excitable women that worship her and not me. I want to leave her. AITAH?
Agent8699@reddit
Yeah … Xena would be a frequent visitor to AITA?
I used my wife’s scrolls for toilet paper. But, it was a bit without much writing on it. AITA?
I used my wife’s only shirt to tie up a stinky goon that I captured. She had a sack she could wear in the interim. AITA?
I took my wife overseas so that I could hunt down and kill a law abiding fellow who I had a run-in with 10+ years ago when I was a warlord (that’s a separate post). My wife was kidnapped and crucified by this guy, then tricked into killing someone’s for the first time and then raped and impregnated. I’m pretty mad at her and want to murder what I assume is her demon baby right in front of her. AITA?
I want to go overseas to murder someone I kidnapped and tortured when they were a child for sh1ts and giggles. I also murdered his father in front of him and tried to kill him. It’s complicated, but I’m pretty sure his mom, who I had a torrid love affair with which ended badly, wants me to kill him. My wife is upset with me abandoning her to commit murder because of the events in my prior post. AITA?
I split my wife’s skull with my chakram, it’s a round killing thing, because she was possessed and hurting our daughter. I may have just disarmed my sometimes male lover when he also attacked our daughter. My wife is pissed. AITA?
I abandoned my pony to head overseas to murder a horse and go to the Amazon land of the dead forever. My pony found a new owner who gives her apples. I want her back. AITA?
sapphicmari110504@reddit
Bahahahahha she could maybe be TA
Popular-One-7051@reddit
I love this! I think you need to write a fan fiction for them in the modern world after the time jump
rockandrollfun@reddit
Ok after these posts I’m ready for someone to make the Xena impersonation account and really post these every now and then in the sub haha
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
Omg the way I started laughing harder and harder as these progressed 😂😂 Help! My favorite superhero is an absolute psychopath and I just wanna defend her cuz she’s so dang cute, AITA?
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
😂😂😂
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
I am physically howling
RedCalaLily@reddit
🤣🤣🤣
Xena, you are never the asshole!!
SecureAstronaut444@reddit
I wonder if Lucy ever lurks in here having little chuckles...
Or has a different name and comes in here imagining she's still Xena and has a field day in the comments 😂
QorlanGamedev@reddit
She would decide that this toy is not for her
MundaneVillian@reddit
She’d get Life360 on Solan and Eve
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
It’d be pretty easy figuring out where Solan is without a tracker 😔😅
MundaneVillian@reddit
Yeah six feet under is a pretty easy spot 😅
brinrex89@reddit
She’d google “How to get my girlfriend (Gab) and boyfriend (Ares) to stop hating and wanting to kill each other?” LOL
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
lol! I was thinking about you earlier, have you listened to Rob Tapert on the Xena Warrior Nutballs podcast? Seems you have a kindred spirit in shipping Xena/Ares 😌
brinrex89@reddit
Ahhhhhh! I haven’t had a chance to listen yet but that is so validating in a way! I’m reading a fic now where they are together and Gab is still the soulmate and they all make it work and it’s fun! lol I hope it leads to more people writing fics hehe! Can’t wait to listen!
AvocadoPizzaCat@reddit
depends on where she is located and such. Odds are she would be switching between fishing, fighting tyrants (they call themselves presidents when they are dictators now a days), watching horse videos, and encouraging gabrielle to become a storytime creator.
OptimalCobbler5431@reddit
She's confused there's no fish here. She stumbled into the app plenty of fish
Shaydu@reddit
After first mistakenly thinking the site "plentyoffish" was a place where strong silent types hang out
AnxiousConsequence18@reddit
Gary porn
Trashy_Cappy@reddit
She Google’s “Blue Waffle” and learns the hard way just like the rest of us! 😂
Clear-Pepper1306@reddit
Search herself on google
K-kitty9218@reddit
Look for single women in her area! What else?
ammiemarie@reddit
Looking up How-To videos on YouTube for fishing tips and recipes for her catch of the day
Popular-One-7051@reddit
Gabrielle is her catch of the day
ammiemarie@reddit
Friendly-Mushroom-38@reddit
She’s listening to the audio book versions of Gabby’s scrolls
Popular-One-7051@reddit
She really needs to after ignoring them all this time
Friendly-Mushroom-38@reddit
I forgot to mention they’re all narrated by Joxer the Mighty. So she’s really making it up to Gabby.
Popular-One-7051@reddit
Oh god that would be torture
antealtares@reddit
Find a grave -> Julius Caesar
Popular-One-7051@reddit
😂😂😂
IndependenceRich8754@reddit
She is reading the fanfics
Popular-One-7051@reddit
And then practicing on Gabrielle
Seed0fDiscord@reddit
She wants to catch up with an old friend from the island of Lesbos, and is now googling “lesbians in my area?”
Popular-One-7051@reddit
😂😂😂
Owl_Queen101@reddit
Y’all are obsessed. She’s probably look up new fighting techniques
Heather_Chandelure@reddit
Dionne005@reddit
I agree
soy-boy-mario@reddit
pinch can’t be improved, it’s already perfect
faintestsmile@reddit
that friend? Sappho
Seed0fDiscord@reddit
They’re all friends of Sappho…
Popular-One-7051@reddit
Clear her History from her cache so her past goes away (we're ignoring that nothing ever leaves the internet).
shlumpedstump@reddit
Going to the white house
lenapemerman@reddit
Look up maps and realize she’s been taking the long route
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
Lol! I had this thought too! “Hey Siri, what’s the fastest route to Chin? ….hm…. that’s not how I was going.”
Tmac11223@reddit
How to raise a psychotic daughter.
Dionne005@reddit
More like finding therapist
My-name-for-ever@reddit
She would be a social media influencer!
Automatic-Adeptness4@reddit
Watching all the Xena/Gabby….”fan fics”
Pwaise_Hestia@reddit
I had no answer to OPs question, but this image was the first thing that came to my mind lmao
krisn31@reddit
❤️😂your user name
AuntyEmfromOz@reddit
My thoughts exactly! She's ordering pizza........
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
Funny enough, it was the picture I wanted to use but the phone wouldn’t fit as good!
Xena’s helping Leah look on Etsy for cute lil abstinence rings for the Hestian girlies 🥰
Rmir72@reddit
Downloading the lesbian equipment of Grindr, whatever that is, Lindr? I don't know lol
DeadMeat_1240@reddit
Oh she goin to AO3 right out the gate. 😜
Rollinthrulife@reddit
How to kill joxer
Weird_Explorer1997@reddit
Googling herself, finding out how thirsty the internet is for her, smashing her phone and riding off into the sunset without a care in the world.
TAFKA_DarkSpecterSBM@reddit
Stares at the keyboard and screen wondering why none of the characters make sense, and demanding someone translate it into Fake-TV-Show-Greek
Proud_Garage1352@reddit
Using it as a weapon against someone
sikander_itaque@reddit
idk but if gabi scrolled on tiktok she would probably be bombarded with religious/spiritual content! Probably would go down the christian pipeline too I guess!
_illusions25@reddit
She'd quickly get AI psychosis thinking she's actually talking to a god
ObnoxiousConsistent@reddit
like this video to accept this good energy ✨type of thing
and tarot readings
actually would she just be Mattie but without the scammy tendencies? 😳
sikander_itaque@reddit
exactly mdrrrr
iBrochacho@reddit
She’s looking for Gabrielle using two fingers on her phone to cut off the circulation
Nicoler37@reddit
She’s looking up best fishing spots in her area
ObnoxiousConsistent@reddit
this just made me think that Xena would 100% have the straight man Tinder profile photo with a giant fish™️
Nicoler37@reddit
LOL! Yes, I believe you are correct
Away-Living5278@reddit
😂
This is it. This is exactly what she would do lol
Humble_Square8673@reddit
Definitely this 😊😂👍
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
No she’s going to lifeline stores and trying to find Xena on VHS but finds “Kelly’s hero’s” instead and buys it X2
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
OH! And physically going into police stations to report scamming while wondering where the fuck Gabrielle is
She’s constantly fishing in her “backyard” in the fire pit.
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
Ooooh WAIT NO - she’s physically breaking clocks in a psych ward and screaming about how much she hates Caesar!
Very legit, very legit.
Dionne005@reddit
Yep
Background_Card_1345@reddit
Looking for pics of naked redheads...
Evilbuffy14@reddit
Whatever she's looking up, it's going to get her on some lists.
nancys911@reddit
Tik Tok of press points
DrLoomis131@reddit
rockandrollfun@reddit
💯
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😭🤣🤣🤣
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
Lmao!
Sapphire-YLF@reddit
Can the Antikythera Mechanism play Doom?
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
Of course it can, Doom can run on anything! She’s excited cuz she’s just read Bethesda is porting Skyrim to the tablet!
rockandrollfun@reddit
“To the tablet” lol schtahhhp
CarmillaTLV@reddit
Waht is r/actuallesbians
MoonageWildlife@reddit
Xena would search for food places nearby, and do some online shopping for Argos, buying salt licks and a hair brush. I'm also imagining her buying a Chakram replica from eBay as a backup, only to find out it doesn't work. 😆
KeepingTheDistance@reddit
Screaming aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaaii w.f is this cr.p... should i throw it to my enemy or distract him with it. If not ... locating Gabrielle and a nice little cabine, hidden in the woods.
TheRealP1nnhe4d@reddit
Greate an OF Acc
Confident-Club1310@reddit
She ditched the gun as useless. The internet wouldn't stand a chance either :)
Tryingmybestsorta@reddit
Buys a new frying pan
Confident-Club1310@reddit
Nah, that's Gabrielle's move
giveherawinkforme@reddit
I think she would be galaxy flip kinda gyal, she would love to slap it closed haha but she would immediately fight all the articles out there to correct history: 'ALLEGED war crimes'.
ObnoxiousConsistent@reddit
Xena would get a law degree just to argue that we cannot apply modern standards of international humanitarian law to her actions in Ancient Greece and Known World 🤣
Warrioress_@reddit
Ragebaiting Idiot Sorbo 😌
Luditas@reddit
Awesome! I'll make it into a sticker 🤩.
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
And a tshirt?
Luditas@reddit
Absolutely! 💅🏽
permanent_penguin@reddit
“Where can two women get married?”
Persistent_Parkie@reddit
My living room is fine!
Punksa_Rin@reddit
Dissing Hercules
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
Really though. All she wants is to find Gabrielle again ❤️
daryl772003@reddit
romantic spots in the city to take your soul mate
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
Google’s Top Result:
Mount Amaro is a perfect spot for couples to reconnect in a quaint snowy winter wonderland. You and your sweetheart will find yourselves in Heaven after a weekend getaway here!
RedCalaLily@reddit
Too soon!! 😂
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
It’s been 2,070 years!
Upstairs-While-4946@reddit
Satisfying 👏🏻❤️
RedCalaLily@reddit
😂😂😂
jenyovation@reddit
🤣🤣🤣 she'd want nothing to do with it while Gabrielle would be be so fascinated
Mysericordia@reddit
Ask Quora:
Am I in lesbians with Gabrielle?
Prestigious-Run-3007@reddit
Restricting social media so she doesn’t have to see updates about Caesar
Dionne005@reddit
Or looking up his camp grounds on Google Maps satellite to see where she can get in his palace
joemoe7252@reddit
Flicking one out to Sidney Sweeney vids
armlessphelan@reddit
Watching porn. Our girl was a kinkster.
theyarnllama@reddit
Googling weaponry.
Ok-Jackfruit-6873@reddit
Googles "how to replace a good chewing tooth"
permanent_penguin@reddit
“Best places for horse shoes”
Refref1990@reddit
I would download Wapa from the Play Store! 🫠
Significant-End2869@reddit
Use it as a weapon
Jahon_Dony@reddit
Throwing the phone in a lake
Agent8699@reddit
Nah, there’s fish in there! 🐟
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
Xena immediately after seeing all her personal information listed in detail on the internet:
“Delete all pictures of Xena!”
RulerOfAllWorlds1998@reddit
Searches “What do I do with the internet?”
nonmiraculoussunofaB@reddit
looking up fan vids of Gabby's abs.
SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)
A live feed of Xena’s phone:
https://i.redd.it/tieys88co5kg1.gif