Xena just discovered the internet. What’s the first thing she’s doing?

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BookkeeperNo6615@reddit

Having Uber eats deliver fried chicken 🍗

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Competitive-Panda824@reddit

THROW THAT I CRAP OUT GET S23 ULTRA 😁 😁 😁 😁

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vey0nce@reddit

Guys she probably helped create the internet not just discovered it

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Surrea_Wanderer@reddit

-Fishing hacks -Hong Kong Cinema -Bisexual porn

And Gabrielle discovered ao3 and hasn't been heard from in several days

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Agent8699@reddit

Googles:

How to atone for 10 years of warlording?
Is redemption possible if you have killed hundreds of thousands of people?
Which afterlife is the most generous to people guilt of committing untold atrocities?
How to get away with murder in current times?
Is it self defence if I stalk goons on the streets and kill them with my sword?
Is it self defence if I stalk goons on the streets and put the pinch on them?
What are the best spots for fishing nearby?

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

She gets a reddit account for more advice:

• When I was a pirate (19F), I met a Roman nobleman (19M) after my men took him for ransom. He seemed pretty cool about it; gave me advice on how much he was worth and we even hooked up. We said goodbye on good terms but when we met up again, he broke my legs, crucified me, and killed my only friend. So I made it my life’s mission to get revenge on him and I might’ve killed a few thousand people in the process. Am I the asshole?

• I (30F) told my girlfriend (21F) even in death I would never leave her. But she wants me to live on a commune that she’d be in charge of with a bunch of rando, excitable women that worship her and not me. I want to leave her. AITAH?

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Agent8699@reddit

Yeah … Xena would be a frequent visitor to AITA?

I used my wife’s scrolls for toilet paper. But, it was a bit without much writing on it. AITA?
I used my wife’s only shirt to tie up a stinky goon that I captured. She had a sack she could wear in the interim. AITA?
I took my wife overseas so that I could hunt down and kill a law abiding fellow who I had a run-in with 10+ years ago when I was a warlord (that’s a separate post). My wife was kidnapped and crucified by this guy, then tricked into killing someone’s for the first time and then raped and impregnated. I’m pretty mad at her and want to murder what I assume is her demon baby right in front of her. AITA?
I want to go overseas to murder someone I kidnapped and tortured when they were a child for sh1ts and giggles. I also murdered his father in front of him and tried to kill him. It’s complicated, but I’m pretty sure his mom, who I had a torrid love affair with which ended badly, wants me to kill him. My wife is upset with me abandoning her to commit murder because of the events in my prior post. AITA?
I split my wife’s skull with my chakram, it’s a round killing thing, because she was possessed and hurting our daughter. I may have just disarmed my sometimes male lover when he also attacked our daughter. My wife is pissed. AITA?
I abandoned my pony to head overseas to murder a horse and go to the Amazon land of the dead forever. My pony found a new owner who gives her apples. I want her back. AITA?

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sapphicmari110504@reddit

Bahahahahha she could maybe be TA

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

I love this! I think you need to write a fan fiction for them in the modern world after the time jump

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rockandrollfun@reddit

Ok after these posts I’m ready for someone to make the Xena impersonation account and really post these every now and then in the sub haha

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

Omg the way I started laughing harder and harder as these progressed 😂😂 Help! My favorite superhero is an absolute psychopath and I just wanna defend her cuz she’s so dang cute, AITA?

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Upstairs-While-4946@reddit

😂😂😂

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Upstairs-While-4946@reddit

I am physically howling

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RedCalaLily@reddit

🤣🤣🤣

Xena, you are never the asshole!!

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SecureAstronaut444@reddit

I wonder if Lucy ever lurks in here having little chuckles...

Or has a different name and comes in here imagining she's still Xena and has a field day in the comments 😂

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QorlanGamedev@reddit

She would decide that this toy is not for her

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MundaneVillian@reddit

She’d get Life360 on Solan and Eve

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

It’d be pretty easy figuring out where Solan is without a tracker 😔😅

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MundaneVillian@reddit

Yeah six feet under is a pretty easy spot 😅

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brinrex89@reddit

She’d google “How to get my girlfriend (Gab) and boyfriend (Ares) to stop hating and wanting to kill each other?” LOL

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

lol! I was thinking about you earlier, have you listened to Rob Tapert on the Xena Warrior Nutballs podcast? Seems you have a kindred spirit in shipping Xena/Ares 😌

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brinrex89@reddit

Ahhhhhh! I haven’t had a chance to listen yet but that is so validating in a way! I’m reading a fic now where they are together and Gab is still the soulmate and they all make it work and it’s fun! lol I hope it leads to more people writing fics hehe! Can’t wait to listen!

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AvocadoPizzaCat@reddit

depends on where she is located and such. Odds are she would be switching between fishing, fighting tyrants (they call themselves presidents when they are dictators now a days), watching horse videos, and encouraging gabrielle to become a storytime creator.

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OptimalCobbler5431@reddit

She's confused there's no fish here. She stumbled into the app plenty of fish

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Shaydu@reddit

After first mistakenly thinking the site "plentyoffish" was a place where strong silent types hang out

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AnxiousConsequence18@reddit

Gary porn

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Trashy_Cappy@reddit

She Google’s “Blue Waffle” and learns the hard way just like the rest of us! 😂

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Clear-Pepper1306@reddit

Search herself on google

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K-kitty9218@reddit

Look for single women in her area! What else?

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ammiemarie@reddit

Looking up How-To videos on YouTube for fishing tips and recipes for her catch of the day

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

Gabrielle is her catch of the day

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ammiemarie@reddit

gif

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Friendly-Mushroom-38@reddit

She’s listening to the audio book versions of Gabby’s scrolls

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

She really needs to after ignoring them all this time

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Friendly-Mushroom-38@reddit

I forgot to mention they’re all narrated by Joxer the Mighty. So she’s really making it up to Gabby.

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

Oh god that would be torture

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antealtares@reddit

Find a grave -> Julius Caesar

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

😂😂😂

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IndependenceRich8754@reddit

She is reading the fanfics

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

And then practicing on Gabrielle

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Seed0fDiscord@reddit

She wants to catch up with an old friend from the island of Lesbos, and is now googling “lesbians in my area?”

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

😂😂😂

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Owl_Queen101@reddit

Y’all are obsessed. She’s probably look up new fighting techniques

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Heather_Chandelure@reddit

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Dionne005@reddit

I agree

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soy-boy-mario@reddit

pinch can’t be improved, it’s already perfect

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faintestsmile@reddit

that friend? Sappho

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Seed0fDiscord@reddit

They’re all friends of Sappho…

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Popular-One-7051@reddit

Clear her History from her cache so her past goes away (we're ignoring that nothing ever leaves the internet).

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shlumpedstump@reddit

Going to the white house

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lenapemerman@reddit

Look up maps and realize she’s been taking the long route

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

Lol! I had this thought too! “Hey Siri, what’s the fastest route to Chin? ….hm…. that’s not how I was going.”

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Tmac11223@reddit

How to raise a psychotic daughter.

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Dionne005@reddit

More like finding therapist

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My-name-for-ever@reddit

She would be a social media influencer!

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Automatic-Adeptness4@reddit

Watching all the Xena/Gabby….”fan fics”

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Pwaise_Hestia@reddit

I had no answer to OPs question, but this image was the first thing that came to my mind lmao

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krisn31@reddit

❤️😂your user name

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AuntyEmfromOz@reddit

My thoughts exactly! She's ordering pizza........

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

Funny enough, it was the picture I wanted to use but the phone wouldn’t fit as good!

Xena’s helping Leah look on Etsy for cute lil abstinence rings for the Hestian girlies 🥰

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Rmir72@reddit

Downloading the lesbian equipment of Grindr, whatever that is, Lindr? I don't know lol

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DeadMeat_1240@reddit

Oh she goin to AO3 right out the gate. 😜

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Rollinthrulife@reddit

How to kill joxer

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Weird_Explorer1997@reddit

Googling herself, finding out how thirsty the internet is for her, smashing her phone and riding off into the sunset without a care in the world.

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TAFKA_DarkSpecterSBM@reddit

Stares at the keyboard and screen wondering why none of the characters make sense, and demanding someone translate it into Fake-TV-Show-Greek

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Proud_Garage1352@reddit

Using it as a weapon against someone

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sikander_itaque@reddit

idk but if gabi scrolled on tiktok she would probably be bombarded with religious/spiritual content! Probably would go down the christian pipeline too I guess!

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_illusions25@reddit

She'd quickly get AI psychosis thinking she's actually talking to a god

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ObnoxiousConsistent@reddit

like this video to accept this good energy ✨type of thing

and tarot readings

actually would she just be Mattie but without the scammy tendencies? 😳

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sikander_itaque@reddit

exactly mdrrrr

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iBrochacho@reddit

She’s looking for Gabrielle using two fingers on her phone to cut off the circulation

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Nicoler37@reddit

She’s looking up best fishing spots in her area

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ObnoxiousConsistent@reddit

this just made me think that Xena would 100% have the straight man Tinder profile photo with a giant fish™️

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Nicoler37@reddit

LOL! Yes, I believe you are correct

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Away-Living5278@reddit

😂

This is it. This is exactly what she would do lol

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Humble_Square8673@reddit

Definitely this 😊😂👍

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Upstairs-While-4946@reddit

No she’s going to lifeline stores and trying to find Xena on VHS but finds “Kelly’s hero’s” instead and buys it X2

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Upstairs-While-4946@reddit

OH! And physically going into police stations to report scamming while wondering where the fuck Gabrielle is

She’s constantly fishing in her “backyard” in the fire pit.

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Upstairs-While-4946@reddit

Ooooh WAIT NO - she’s physically breaking clocks in a psych ward and screaming about how much she hates Caesar!

Very legit, very legit.

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Dionne005@reddit

Yep

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Background_Card_1345@reddit

Looking for pics of naked redheads...

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Evilbuffy14@reddit

Whatever she's looking up, it's going to get her on some lists.

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nancys911@reddit

Tik Tok of press points

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DrLoomis131@reddit

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rockandrollfun@reddit

💯

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Upstairs-While-4946@reddit

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😭🤣🤣🤣

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

Lmao!

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Sapphire-YLF@reddit

Can the Antikythera Mechanism play Doom?

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

Of course it can, Doom can run on anything! She’s excited cuz she’s just read Bethesda is porting Skyrim to the tablet!

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SakuraTacos@reddit (OP)

Google’s Top Result:

Mount Amaro is a perfect spot for couples to reconnect in a quaint snowy winter wonderland. You and your sweetheart will find yourselves in Heaven after a weekend getaway here!

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