What have you found most difficult as a parent?

Posted by PaddedValls@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 280 comments

There are many things, they change as they grow. Right now, the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is seeing my 16 year old son have \*zero\* interests or goals. He's tried many different things and hasn't stuck to a single one of them. He just does nothing and always has been like this. I don't expect him to have the same goals and interests as me, but I'd have loved to have had a parent who was enthusiastic about doing things like I am. For example, I know if he started weight training now, he has a major advantage at his age.

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toiletconfession@reddit

My husband really struggles with buying our 5yo cool Lego kits and then him pulling them apart to make random stuff. Like on one hand he admires his ingenuity and imagination but for fuck sake there are 1000s of bricks in the collection and you need to pull apart that car/dragon/mech suit to get that particular single brick! The freeform Lego area is sometimes called his "imagination" sometimes it's "Arachis" (son called it this) sometimes it's "the battlefield" 🤣

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pikantnasuka@reddit

My eldest son is (deservedly) in prison. The lead up to that was just dreadful. In relation to him what I find most difficult is balancing my love for him with my disgust at what he has done. Otherwise it has to be the kid's terrible taste in TV programmes.

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PrestigiousLaugh9267@reddit

What did he do? Just curiosity.

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CarelessPudding7680@reddit

Not who you replied to obviously but my cousin raped a 14 year old when he was 30. I grew up with him and did not ever imagine he had something like that in him. During the court case it came out he had been grooming a lot of other underage girls. I still can't bring myself to hate him, he is fam and was a close one at that. My mum and sisters make excuses, since he was an alcoholic cokehead. That explains a lot but I dunno if I buy it completely. Still my cousin though.

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hndbabe@reddit

Not sure why you are getting so much hate, I guess we are wondering if you justified his actions or condemn them. Is valid to love them but necessary to hate what they’ve done and the lives they’ve ruined. Also he is thankfully paying for his crimes.

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CarelessPudding7680@reddit

I absolutely don't condone what he did. I make no excuses for him and I said what he did bluntly to not hide it. People who don't know him are welcome to hate him, as they should really. I do know him though and I don't have it in me to truly hate a person I grew up with. Others don't know the times we spent and I don't blame them for not knowing.

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Turbulent_Ad_880@reddit

We have movies where it's okay to love vampires, and all the supervillains have moved from "pure evil" to "it's complicated". But heaven forbid you should forgive a family member, or even just recognize that they might represent more to you than just the worst thing they have ever done.

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CarelessPudding7680@reddit

\>But heaven forbid you should forgive a family member, or even just recognize that they might represent to you more than just the worst thing they have ever done. Perfectly put. I don't absolve him of his crimes but I can't hate him either. I actually worry people have become too quick to hate. Does he deserve it? Yes. But it seems like people are hating me for not feeling like they do. Troubling times I suppose.

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Turbulent_Ad_880@reddit

Too many people love to hate, but it's not a healthy emotion. Others just jump on the bandwagon out of fear...better behind the angry mob than in front of it. Sad.

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hadawayandshite@reddit

It must be hard having the complex feelings- you’re getting a lot of downvotes I suppose people think it’s an issue with ‘empathy’ on your behalf. 1) by not ‘cutting him loose’ you’re showing some sort of empathy for him they don’t think he deserves 2) a lack of empathy for his victim My hypothetical (getting to the heart of the above) would be- had he raped you or raped your child would you hate him?

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ikbenhoogalsneuken@reddit

You’ve unfortunately, expressed a complex dual emotion. People here don’t like that, it seems, but thanks for sharing.

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CarelessPudding7680@reddit

Exactly what the comment I replied to was asking for lol. I think I'll manage somehow.

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yam0msah0e@reddit

Is this ragebait

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Royal_Philosophy7767@reddit

What about it seemed like rage bait? Life is more complicated than the black and white initial reactions you might have to something. It’s very very common for someone to do an absolutely awful, heinous thing and then leave the close family and friends totally confused due to the whiplash of loving this person…and finding out they are capable of evil. You don’t just instantly hate them, it’s complex and disorienting and something worth talking about.

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CarelessPudding7680@reddit

No, I was just demonstrating how someone can love someone even if they have done awful things.

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Lilliths-pain@reddit

If someone I loved raped a 14 Yr old I would hate them forever. Absolutely unforgivable, I'd even fantasise about stabbing their genitals. Maybe it's because I've been forcibly raped but I would dream of forcibly stabbing their genitals. If it was my cousin or even sibling I would be even more enraged

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BamzookiEnjoyer@reddit

Didn't pay his TV licence

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Cultural-Ambition211@reddit

Worse - downloaded a car.

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Speedboy7777@reddit

You wouldn’t *steal a film*

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MarcoJono@reddit

You wouldn’t down a load…

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Speedboy7777@reddit

You wouldn’t *steal a film*

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Own-Holiday-4071@reddit

What happened?

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Glowing102@reddit

Love your son and not his actions.

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PrestigiousLaugh9267@reddit

I'd say there has to be limits to that....

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Glowing102@reddit

I think you should love your kids unconditionally. He's in prison because he's struggling in life. He needs compassion and love and not judgement.

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Big_Cheese16@reddit

This would be understandable if it was petty crimes, you have no idea what this person has done to land themselves in prison. Would you love your child unconditionally if they had done some of the most grotesque crimes?

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Glowing102@reddit

I'm not a parent, so I can't say. But I'd like think I would exercise compassion and understanding in all situations. Hatred it easy ... understanding the nuances in any situation is where emotional intelligence lives. Leave a little room for it. It will improve the relationships in your life tenfold.

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twirling_daemon@reddit

This is hilariously hypocritical, you don’t have any nuance You have - offspring should be loved unconditionally. Humans are good. Everyone deserves to be loved regardless of actions Anyone who doesn’t subscribe to your wild belief system is wrong

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Big_Cheese16@reddit

Yeah me too, but I can't say I'd love and support my child if they killed enough people to land themselves a netflix documentary.

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Beautiful_Hour_4744@reddit

I would. I would have what they'd done, I'd be disgusted with them, ashamed of them, I probably wouldn't like them anymore and may not maintain a relationship with them but I'd always love them

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Familiar-Woodpecker5@reddit

This is a bit of a silly comment. I’m all for being understanding and forgiving but it very much depends on the crime. If my son was a PDF then he would no longer be my son.

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Glowing102@reddit

No comment or opinion is silly ... let's agree to disagree but don't put me down for having compassion for those less fortunate than myself.

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Familiar-Woodpecker5@reddit

You’re right that probably wasn’t the right word to use. Having compassion is great but there are people in the world who don’t deserve any compassion, some humans are pure evil.

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Glowing102@reddit

I can't get my head round that and in a way I'm glad I can't as it makes me who I am. My Dad did some awful things during his life. ... and I have had to try and reconcile those things in my head through years of therapy ... my opinions are a result of that process. I have always loved him.

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thegirlthatcurled@reddit

That’s your choice to maintain that love. It’s not your business if someone else makes a different choice

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Glowing102@reddit

It's called a debate ... Are familiar with that concept.

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thegirlthatcurled@reddit

😂 is that the best you can come up with? So… instead of actually debating: when your hypocrisy is politely discussed with you, you claim it’s a debate and attempt some form of insult? That’s hilarious. Take care, darling x 🤣

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StonedMason85@reddit

So just checking what you are saying here, but if your dad raped and abused you for years, from what you’re saying I gather that you would still love him unconditionally? And you think that’s ok? If so then I honestly think you should get some kind of therapy.

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jady115@reddit

That’s you but you can’t morally demand others to do the same or judge them for thinking differently. Maybe your dad didn’t do anything awful enough to imbue you with a sense of subjectivity

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thegirlthatcurled@reddit

You talk of compassion, but use judgmental language to dictate how other people feel about people and situations you do not know. You talk of them struggling in life. You can tell this situation was not from someone breaking the law from necessity, it was something bad that they have chosen to do. You also say you are not a parent, but feel like you can tell someone how they should feel about their children. There is no “should” in love. A person may have love for their child that has done heinous things, but it’s also perfectly reasonable for them to let that love go. When you think of the things human beings are capable of, it’s not for you to tell another person they must overlook behaviours.

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The_2nd_Coming@reddit

Have you ever seen a man eat his own face?

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kryt4lp4l4ce@reddit

What a fucking idiotic take

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Glowing102@reddit

I'd hate to be on the receiving end of your parenting.

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ffs_not_this_again@reddit

I'd hate to meet some of the people you believe deserve unconditional love.

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JimmyJonJackson420@reddit

Would you say the same is he raped and killed some kid’s

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thegirlthatcurled@reddit

There is no “should.” You have no idea what he has done. People don’t deserve to be loved automatically by their shear existence. The commenter says they love him, and have to balance that with disgust. It was obvious something more than a couple of unpaid parking fines.

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GoldieBones90@reddit

Would you love your kid if they turned out to be a nonce, rapist or murderer?

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Immediate_Debt_@reddit

I’m so sorry. As soon as I had my second son I realised just how much their temperaments are nature rather than nurture. We can’t make them happy or sad, hard workers, fair minded etc I realised just how limited we are as parents, and we’re much more shepherds than engineers. Can’t imagine how challenging things have been for you.

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a_boy_called_sue@reddit

Lovely metaphor. Some aren't equipped to be effective shepherds.

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Upset-Woodpecker-662@reddit

I hope you find a balance. I cannot even imagine the mind process to accept this conflicting situation! I hope the best outcome to your family!

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cactusdan94@reddit

Sorry to be that person but can i ask what he did and how long he got?

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EvilPopeSister@reddit

The thing I’ve found most difficult in the 12 years I’ve been a parent is the feeling of helplessness when my son’s friends decided they didn’t want to be friends anymore. I tried speaking to their parents but soon realised this was something he had to figure out on his own. He didn’t seem too upset about it but he spent his summer holidays alone and it killed me. I’d take sleepless nights and tantrums any day over that feeling!

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Any_Librarian3297@reddit

This is heartbreaking, we went through this. My son is now 18 and has a fantastic group of friends who all share very similar interests. It sounds like your son just hasn’t found his tribe yet, but (in most cases) he will. There is a song called ‘no rain’ by blind melon and the video Is brilliant . I showed it to my son and it helped me that sometimes it takes time and patience to find the right people you belong with. Be strong, it will pass <3

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Turbulent_Ad_880@reddit

Upvoted for your excellent taste in music.

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pablothewizard@reddit

Man, my lad is one and I was about to come on here and whinge about how tired I am all of the time. This puts into perspective now much could be ahead of me as a parent. That kind of worry and helplessness genuinely sounds awful. I hope things pick up for your son soon!

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ChocolateSnowflake@reddit

It can happen so early. My son is only 2 and 2 kids at under 3s football said he couldn’t play with them and it nearly broke me.

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finch-fletchley@reddit

That's so unkind 😭 did their parents step in?

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ChocolateSnowflake@reddit

Coach was one of the dads and told his daughter not to be mean and let him play. The other dad did fuck all.

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turdinabox@reddit

My daughters friends are mean. Breaks my heart every day.

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SketchbookProtest@reddit

What did your son do that made all his friends stop talking to him?

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iamgina2020@reddit

I agree…this was really hard for me to see my daughter experience this, and there was nothing wrong with her, she was a regular teenager. I couldn’t get my head around it, I had many sleepless nights and it hurt me so much. Like you, I spoke, respectfully to two of the other mothers, blaming no-one, promises were made, but not followed through. There was nothing I could do, it was a dreadful time and leaves lasting trauma on our kids.

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Adam-West@reddit

My daughters only two but the hardest thing for me was seeing her try to make friends at playgroup and eventually just give up and breakdown in tears. She tried so so hard and everybody just ignored her. After about an hour of trying she gave up but ive never seen her look so downtrodden. Same thing happened the week after aswell. It’s brutal

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Spare-Egg24@reddit

Oh that's so sad but I think it will get easier. At that age a lot of kids (obviously not your daughter) just aren't social. I was worried about my son not wanting to be friends with anyone. He didn't bother learning anyones name at nursery till after he was three! He just likes playing on his own

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PotatoAntique7239@reddit

Oh god no! My daughter is 2 and I'm so scared of her starting playgroup as she is very shy and tends to freeze and stare when kids interact and I've noticed some kids don't take well to that and get a little mean

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Adam-West@reddit

My experience so far is most kids are shy. My daughter is the opposite. She’s a little bit too forward and it puts kids off. She’s doing great now though. But at the time it was brutal

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PotatoAntique7239@reddit

This is really reassuring

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axanette@reddit

Kids are cruel. When I was 15/16 I came to school one day to find that my group of friends had decided that they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, so were giving me the cold shoulder. When I asked why, they said I’d said something bitchy and I wasn’t a good friend. Asked them what exactly I’d said and done that had upset them and got wishy-washy answers in response. Years later I ran into the only girl in the group who was still alright with me and asked what exactly the falling out was over. Turns out the self-appointed leader had wanted to “curate” our group better and she decided that I was “too ugly” to keep being friends with them. So they cut me out. Thankfully I was old enough then to laugh at how pathetic it was, but if they’d told me the real reason at the time I think I would’ve done something incredibly stupid.

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MontanaMinuteman@reddit

If you makes you feel any better, they are probably obsessing over botox and plastic surgery now. Imagine not being happy in your own skin

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tooktherhombus@reddit

We've got that right now. We've found that the kids at our daughter's hobbies are more on her wave length. She isn't best mates with any of them, but it's better than being as misunderstood and 'trapped' as happens at school, they at least have a common thread of interest. We've got her into our hobbies and comes along socially in relation to those too, so the adults there give her lots of fuss and encouragement. It's been a big boost to her confidence. Not sure if any of that helps to know but thought I'd share

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idk7643@reddit

I didn't have friends until I was about 20 and at university, and it never bothered me as a teenager. If it doesn't bother him, he might just actually be content by himself.

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codeduck@reddit

My son is kind and gentle. Watching him work out that some people are just dicks broke my heart.

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Awkward-Loquat2228@reddit

Maybe the Son is a dick.

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DisconcertedLiberal@reddit

Read the fucking room

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Farscape_rocked@reddit

I live on a cul-de-sac, after lockdown1 we were out on the street doing appropriate distancing with neighbours - my 4yo girl runs close to her two friends ( 5 and 7) with arms open wide, stops and shouts "COVID hug!". The two friends run to each other and actually hug. It really hurt my 4yo and it still haunts me. I felt so helpless against the injustice of her being hurt and left out for following the rules. The other two mums are both nurses too.

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Airportsnacks@reddit

Same. I had one best friend from Year 3-9 when they moved away. We were both unpopular nerds. My kid has a lot, but not really one best friend so doesn't mind so much if one decides to move on. I'm sad though because I'm often friends with the parents and then we just stop socializing.

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AhhGingerKids2@reddit

Whenever I struggle with my kids being young I try to shift my focus to how grateful I am I can pretty much fix all of their problems and if I can’t a hug or fun game can. I’m so scared of when their problems are so much bigger.

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WEAREREVOLUTIONARY@reddit

But him in new environments where he can meet like minded individuals and then hopefully it will grow in to something

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Thomasinarina@reddit

I’m 37 and being subjected to this as a child still gives me emotional flashbacks now.

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TimeForGrass@reddit

Straight to the local whatever he's into to find him new friends imo. That does suck though. I went through similar with some older friends who didn't want to hang with me anymore when they were in high school. I just put on my roller blades (lmao) and went the park and found new mates pretty quick. Being a kid it's easy like that, you just ask them if they like music or something.

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Strong_Roll5639@reddit

Oh wow. This made me a bit emotional. My daughter is 10 this year and it's something I do worry about.

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RichardsonM24@reddit

My son is less than 18 months old so there’s a lot to happen yet, so far the hardest times have been when we are all unwell. Since he started nursery in September it’s been constant. This week he’s had conjunctivitis and I’ve got tonsillitis. A house full of stomach bugs in November was the worst.

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bellabanjsk@reddit

I feel this in my old rickety three-week-long-miscellaneous-chest-infection-broken-body (my son’s first winter nursery season too). I don’t remember what being well feels like?

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RichardsonM24@reddit

We managed 2 weeks of wellness over Christmas and that’s it. Horrendous. Even as I’m typing this I’ve already called in sick for work tomorrow (tonsils are still fucked), my wife has a fever and I’m watching the little man cough on the monitor. Still not had chicken pox so that’s inevitably on its way too

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PotatoAntique7239@reddit

Same. I don't know what it feels like to not be sick anymore. Like.....to have normal energy and not exhausted?!

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erroneousbosh@reddit

At some point he's going to get Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease, where you get horrible itchy wee blisters and a rash, along with a sore throat. Swallowing hurts and everything tastes unbelievably horrible. It's going to be a pretty miserable week for him. And about half way through, you'll discover that grown-ups can get it too.

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

I have CFS and trying to deal with a sick baby on top of my own health was not easy. It took a village in those circumstances.

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LegitimateDraw3902@reddit

I remember that stage all too well. At the time it feels relentless but it does pass and in my family I feel we’ve all got much better immune systems as a result. I used to get a cold at least once a year, usually twice. I’ve not had anything for a few years now even with my son sneezing and coughing over me!

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RichardsonM24@reddit

My wife has been a primary school teacher for 6 years, I thought we might be well placed to avoid a lot of the nursery bugs but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Our little lad has got all of his teeth at 14 months too so it’s been illness and teeth for months. Roll on the spring

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riotlady@reddit

Ugh this is the worse, we’re currently just getting over a cycle of everyone being ill. I’m behind on work, washing, cleaning, exercising, everything is just a shitshow,

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a-pickle-2@reddit

This! My daughter is the same age and like everyone was joking about how we were gonna be ill all the time but didn’t think it would actually happen. I must say my wife and I having norovirus at the same time while trying to look after a toddler with noro in a house with one toilet has brought us closer together.

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fleetwood_mag@reddit

Ah I remember lying down when I was ill, now I run around all day after very fussy toddler and baby. It is crap.

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Inkyyy98@reddit

I’m still relatively new to the parenting game as my son is only three - there will be more difficult times as he grows. But atm it is difficult when he misbehaves and it seems like he never listens. My mum used to (and still does) explode at the tiniest inoffensive things and I believe it contributed to a lot of my anxiety. Before having my son I confidently thought I’d not turn out like my mum because I’m a soft person who never so much as slightly raises my voice at anyone. And being aware of her behaviour and its effect on me, I was determined to break the cycle. I am still determined but it’s more difficult than I thought it would be. I don’t snap my son for small random things. I know he doesn’t act out to spite me and it’s not personal. But with the constant not listening I do raise my voice sometimes but I have to really try hard some days not to just explode and scare him into behaving.

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tiorzol@reddit

I also have a 3 year old and I honestly feel like he is trying to make my brain explode sometimes. Today he screamed for twenty minutes shouting I WANT CAKE I WANT CAKE over and over when he knew we had no cake lol Three is a tough age cos they do physically need a nap still and they mentally decide to drop it so they are on edge and over tired for a lot of the day. He's amazing though but damn it's hard work physically and mentally.

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erroneousbosh@reddit

\> Today he screamed for twenty minutes shouting I WANT CAKE I WANT CAKE over and over when he knew we had no cake lol When I was about five or six I wanted pizza, and we didn't have any. We lived a good 40 minutes drive each way to the nearest shops, way out in the sticks. So my dad went to the kitchen, didn't think I'd seen him do this, and punched a couple of neat round circles out of a couple of slices of bread with a pint glass, spread tomato puree on, put some cheese on, and fired them under the grill. I remember going into the kitchen and watching him do this. Then we sat down and ate them. Best pizza I've ever had. Maybe your wee boy is a bit too wee to remember this, but if you do one of those shitty "ding some cake mix in a mug in the microwave thing" he'll always remember the time he really wanted cake and you quite simply - just went and made some.

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Inkyyy98@reddit

Oof that’s tough :( I feel for you. Just now I had a fight with my son. So he’s got weeing on the toilet down pat but he still refuses to poop on it most of the time so he still has a nappy on when we know he’s due to do one. Also sometimes he’s scared of the Alexa, and sometimes he lets us use it for the odd song. We used it this morning fine, and as we were just singing a song before he pooed, I said Alexa as I was changing his nappy and he scream cried and stood up in absolute terror, with his bottom covered in poo so I had to restrain him before the whole place became covered. Funnily enough you mention naps, my son very much still needs one and he hasn’t wanted to drop them and we haven’t made him. He naps on the sofa mostly with his dad because he mucks around with me. My partners mum keeps on about how he needs to start dropping naps but I don’t think we should. Maybe shorten a bit but not get rid of completely. He’s always on the go and always thinking so he needs the nap to reset.

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tiorzol@reddit

Ah man we've been so lucky with the potty training, little man took to it straight away and he prefers to do his numbers 2s in the toilet now too. With the nap I wouldn't force it, they know what they need and honestly a toddler free hour in the day sounds like bliss haha

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hadawayandshite@reddit

I’ve always had great help in keeping my cool when I remember literally their brains don’t work- they’re not being difficult, they’re not being badly behaved….theyre essentially little brain damaged people If an adult had their capabilities and brain patterns they’d be profoundly effected (learning disability, Alzheimer’s etc) and I like to think I’d be able to hold my cool in those situations That said sometimes it takes you- my 4 year old was having a tantrum the other week (new baby, mam with post natal depression and me as Dad just trying to keep the wheels turning) and I was calming her down- in the time it took me to blink after getting on her level she had lunged forward and smacked me on the nose….it didn’t even hurt that much but took me by surprise and I raised my voice louder than I ever have in all my life ‘you do not hit me!’—-scared the life out of her and took me 5 minutes of calm soothing talk to get her to calm back down (I took me only a second after shouting to go ‘oh that was an unexpected out burst’ and calm down

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KingDaveRa@reddit

Great trick I learned was the count to five. They invent some terrible consequence for if you do get to five, and it weirdly works. I've also used 'tidy up the mess, or I'll tidy it and you won't like that'. These old clichés are oddly effective. Mostly.

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NellyGraceRush@reddit

Breathe slowly as you feel triggered. Slowly. Doesn't have to be deeply. And keep it going as long as you feel triggered. It will bring the prefrontal cortex on board in place of your lizard brain. So hopefully you can be calm and in control and think more rationally.

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Inkyyy98@reddit

Will try this 🙏 luckily I’m pretty good at keeping myself in check but this will hopefully make it easier. I already feel better controlled since starting my adhd medications which improve my mood and impulsivity. My boy deserves the best version of me, he’s such a sweetheart really, he’s just showing age appropriate behaviours.

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Up_and_ATEM@reddit

Dealing with my kids autism and have next to no time off because we can’t.

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D1C_Whizz@reddit

Helping my child through extremely serious mental health issues. I’ve actually been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of it all. Which even I can see is stupidly ironic. Just hoping I don’t give my Mum PTSD for helping me!

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Goldf_sh4@reddit

My son's 16 too and I feel the same way. I look at him and see so much potential. He could get a Saturday job and earn £60/week and save £2000 a year. He could get top grades and put himself on a great career path. He could read interesting books, take up new hobbies, learn a musical instrument, give me holiday ideas so we can visit new places, invite friends over, go on bike rides... Does he do any of those things? No. He sits in his bombsite of a bedroom and stares at his PC. He barely even brushes his teeth.

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Cheap-Rate-8996@reddit

At least he's not drinking in the local park or getting anyone pregnant. Focus on the positives...

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Goldf_sh4@reddit

Yes, there is that...

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AddictedToDaylight@reddit

Hey, if it helps, I was a very motivated 16 year old who got all A*s. Went to a prestigious uni, (first in my family) got a good degree and….. 5 years on I’m still earning minimum wage, working hard but haven’t got a great “career path” or anything. Some of the people I went to school with who didn’t try hard are earning far more decent money than me. I think a lot of life boils down to luck and is about simply being at the right place at the right time. Undoubtedly you have more options if you have qualifications but I think succeeding in life is far less about hard work than we like to imagine, we just can’t admit that because then the mental edifice comes crumbling down. Sorry for the very nihilistic take- I’m not a parent myself and it must be so frustrating wanting the best for your kid and seeing so much ‘wasted potential’ but honestly, he’ll probably be okay. As long as he’s happy, that’s what matters.

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Goldf_sh4@reddit

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective. I am sure all your hard work and qualifications will lead to great things for you. The first few years in the world of work is always a slog.

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BobMonroeFanClub@reddit

Mine have both left home - one for work, one for uni. I haunt their old room. They're both doing great and happy and everything but I miss them so much it's a physical pain. I'd love one day with them as little boys again.

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Bubbly_Formal_1369@reddit

Ah man this hit me so hard. Just had a very long day with a toddler and I’m so tired but I wish I could live in the moment more as I know I’m going to look back at these days and miss them

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BobMonroeFanClub@reddit

As Charles Dickens said "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

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buy_me_lozenges@reddit

That's so poignant. My youngest is 11 and he says he wishes he could go back to being little again.

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BobMonroeFanClub@reddit

He's still young enough to cuddle. Do it now! :)

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Glowing102@reddit

Get him to try a wide range of things until he finds something he loves as much as you love weight lifting. He's not you, he's his own person. I would stop trying to get him to do weights ... teenagers have a habit of doing the opposite of that you tell them to do. Let him find his own hobbies and interests ... offer him opportunities to try lots of things ... different sports, musical instruments, places etc Use your imagination.

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pb-86@reddit

Oh wow can i relate to this! I grew up with a love of rugby league and boxing, played a bit, trained a lot, and was genuinely quite good at boxing. Trying to find what my son loves was hard, he had no interest in football or rugby like his friends and I knew he wouldn't enjoy boxing. Then one day he asked to try ice hockey. Fair enough, that's a bit out there. Turned out he loved skating but wasn't that interested in hockey. Now at the age of 10 he's winning national figure skating competitions and dreams of going to the Olympics. I've cancelled my rugby season ticket for us both as he is up at 4:30am to train so staying up for rugby just can't be done. And I've changed for it all. All my YouTube and Instagram videos are training turotials. I've been learning all the intricate details and honestly I never had any appreciation for how tough you need to be. He comes away from training covered in more bruises than I ever did in rugby. Two of his friends in the past 7 months have broken their legs. Holy shit does he love it though. He's so passionate about it, it's just what he wants to do.

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Glowing102@reddit

This is so inspirational and wonderful to read! You sound like a fantastic Dad and your bond with your son through ice skating is just lovely! ❤️ And it all came about because you listened to him!

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pb-86@reddit

Its funny how much it changes you too. We went to Sheffield for the European championships last weekend when it dawned on me that despite Sheffield having really strong rugby and boxing routes, the only sporting event I'd seen there is figure skating.... My daughter is also following in his footsteps. She's younger and not as dedicated (I wouldn't expect her to be yet either) but it's nice they have something together. If only they'd picked something cheaper!

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Glowing102@reddit

Ha ha, I know, like running or something! 🤔 I think team sports are best for kids though. The only thing I've watched in Sheffield is the snooker at the Crucible because my sister fancied Tony Knowles (showing my age now!) and one of my brother's was obsessed with snooker.

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PaddedValls@reddit (OP)

I appreciate your advice, but as I said in my post, we've already done that. From a young age he has tried almost everything that's at our disposal.

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tempestelunaire@reddit

Have you considered that he’s rebelling by doing nothing, precisely because he can tell you want him to do something? I was also a « lazy » teenager. I was a bit depressed and had a lot going on at school. Didn’t have any hobbies beside reading until the last year of high school. I am known one of the person I know with the most hobbies, everything from crochet to drawing and cycling. Let him take his time and stop fussing.

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Browneskiii@reddit

You pushing him is the issue. Being forced to do things is only going to push him away from you and he'll start isolating himself to get away from you. Leave him alone, let him do whatever he wants (within reason) and support what he does rather than being down his throat about having to do what you want him to do. Its very likely he does a lot behind your backs that you dont have a clue about, and doesnt want to tell you because you'll become obsessed and he doesnt want that.

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brum_newbie@reddit

I was exactly like this at 16 just wasn't interested in doing anything until 25. Hated the usual stuff my age group were doing whether it was football , cricket martial arts, clubbing decided to fill my time eventually with trail walking and cycling and reading with some traveling There's nothing that puts you off more than someone trying to micro manage your life and fuss over you constantly

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Browneskiii@reddit

Honestly I'm still like that at 32 🤣 I have my indoor hobbies and that's all I really need. Having narcolepsy doesn't help as going out will make me want to sleep when i get back inside. I keep to myself and everything is paid on time etc, that's how I want it. When i was young, my parents would keep nagging me to do things they want, and now I tell them nothing, because I know they'll want to know every single in and out of everything and then will make me lose any motivation for it. Letting people do things at their own pace is important. Let them live their own life.

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Glowing102@reddit

Well just leave him alone. There's nothing wrong with him and no problem. Let him be a teenager and take life at his own pace and not yours.

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

👆🏼 THIS - I had no idea what to do at 16, nor did I have "goals" I was just trying to get through school and exams and navigate having a social life and growing independence. Please don't make your teenagers hit KPI's 🙃 let them have fun and figure it out.

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Glowing102@reddit

There's nothing worse than a 'motivated' and nagging parent when you're coming of age and dealing with puberty, friendships, education ... the last thing you need is a hobby ... just give me time and space to figure this out on my own. ( the voice of a teenager as seen from a 54F perspective. )

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Khaleesi1536@reddit

Or, worse, when you have a hobby but your parent doesn’t deem it ‘worthy’ so they try and convince you to do other things you don’t want to. If I enjoy playing video games, let me play them.

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Glowing102@reddit

Amen to that!

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Relative_Sea3386@reddit

I totally agree. Am 43 and still have no hobby or ambitions, just like i was at 15. I really am doing OK as an adult, and i think my kids will too if they have more of a breather (but my husband is pretty competitive dad and making our kids do a lot or worrying they'll go off rails, no "achieve" anything...)

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cat_socks_228@reddit

My eldest had a lot of medical issues, has cerebal palsy and very likely autism. We've had to watch her go through surgeries, suffer a stroke, delayed development and delayed speech. She knows what she wants and gets very upset when we don't understand her and can't communicate it. Feelings are a lot for her and it can be tricky to deal with. All her medical needs has seen us hundreds of miles from home for weeks at a time and medical trauma sucks. The feelings of blame I had for myself, feeling I caused it because I grew her was overwhelming. It was worse after having my second (completely healthy) because if I could do it with him, why couldn't I have done it the first time? She's happy though which is what gets me through. She loves life and is a very happy little girl who'll be 3 in a few months

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EvilPopeSister@reddit

The way you spoke about your daughter I was expecting her to be a lot older. She’s only 3 and been through so much already. You sound like a great mum who is doing everything you can for her kids. She will appreciate that in time. I can’t imagine how hard it is but go easy on yourself

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keishajay@reddit

Being in the same position as you with an adult child almost twice that age! I practice patience, acceptance and support. And a lot more patience lol

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Ill-Door-8854@reddit

My daughter got diagnosed with type one diabetes when she was 6, she is 16 now and struggling with being "different" that's a hard watch.

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bmbmwmfm@reddit

If he's been no problem just not motivated up until now...I won't say don't worry bc you're a parent and you're gonna worry. However, mine was similar. Up til around 21/22. Skated by on shit jobs, beer and sloth. Then got it in gear, went to college, graduated top of class, got into a great career. As if a lightbulb came on. It was a transition I didn't see coming. Make sure he at the very least stays in school. Has options open in case he does show an interest, but know you're not going to be the deciding factor in whether or not he wants to get into something. Relax, if you've been a good example and aren't in a contentious relationship everything will work out.

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hadawayandshite@reddit

Dealing with my own shortcomings as a person and the duality of parenting I constantly have the expression ‘the days are long but the years are short’ in my mind. I love my daughter more than anything and she’s the first person I would unquestionably die for….but lots of the time I want to sit and read a book rather than play a game with her, she’s 4 so her games aren’t that mentally stimulating for me and I find it hard to give them my full attention (I have developed a bad scrolling on Reddit habit as it’s a quick dopamine/cognitive hit I can fit around other things) I knew this going in and had shown my wife the research that people with kids in their day to day are less ‘happy’ than those without kids (but have a greater life satisfaction)…doesn’t make it any easier on some days

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paddlingswan@reddit

Oh my goodness, I just posted the same thing. Thank you for sharing!

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jelly10001@reddit

When I was 4, nine out of ten times if I asked my parents to play with me they'd say no. Made me really wish I had siblings.

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kanben@reddit

How do you even have memories from that young

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KittenFloofStarBeans@reddit

Some people have first memories from around 3 - 4 years old due to a number of things like environmental factors, genetics, cognitive functioning, neurological development, etc. But it's also normal for first memories to start later.

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feebsiegee@reddit

I have a younger brother who absolutely tormented my life - I often (very fucking often) wished I was an only child

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jelly10001@reddit

Sorry that happened to you.

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KingDaveRa@reddit

Been there, done that. Got an 8yo and 4yo, and had those moments of just not wanting to have to think or do anything, but being told I have to play something that makes sense in their head, but I've no clue what's going on. It's difficult because you don't want to disappoint them, and imaginative play is very important. I think I had to realise sometimes you've just got to do it. Bandit Heeler sets a bloody high bar though... But even he shows typical Dad traits so it's all ok.

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Other_Exercise@reddit

This speaks to me. I just want to live my own life, so much of the time

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paddlingswan@reddit

The guilt - he asks to play but I’m too tired or I need to do the washing up or we have to get to school. He’s 5, and I know these years are precious.

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Vitalgori@reddit

Honest question: do _you_ have goals and have your teens seen you work towards them? Have you included them in your hobbies and set an example of how it's done?

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PaddedValls@reddit (OP)

I have, he has, I have and extensively. My hobby is weight lifting. Have been doing it before he was born. He's came with me several times. He says he enjoys it and when he's there he truly gives 100%. But getting him to go is a major downer. He's just not enthusiastic about it at all. I am patient with him but it gets to a point where I just have to leave him and go myself.

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garlicmayosquad@reddit

To be honest, when I started at the gym at 16, the only reason I went was because I wanted to look good for girls. I think now, social media constantly tells teenage boys it's over for them if they don't have a perfect face or are tall. I probably wouldn't have started if I had all this stuff in my head, it's terrible for their mental health.

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Cheap-Rate-8996@reddit

Plus there's weird stuff going around about height now. "If you're under 6 foot you're doomed". Which I suspect might be an American import, because ten years ago I don't remember this being something people in this country talked about at all, or at the very least not to the same extremes it's taken now. I can definitely see how that would give a complex to teenage boys who haven't even finished growing yet.

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michelsonnmorley@reddit

I don't think this comment should be downvoted. There is some number of individuals, and most people have met one who fits the description, who are just consistently unwilling or unable to execute any self-directed initiative. Even to do things they earnestly enjoy. It might be due to teenage moodiness, or executive dysfunction from ADHD, or (hopefully not) underlying depression/anxiety, but it's very real. I gave a family member with the same, and giving him these occasional prods to overcome his inertia is the only thing that is in our power to do

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

>I am patient with him but it gets to a point where I just have to leave him and go myself. Lol - yes! Because it's **your** hobby, not his! When will parents understand that just because you played a part in creating them, it doesn't mean they're doing to be your little carbon copy. If he doesn't want to do it, don't make him. Let him find his own way, he'll find stuff he enjoys.

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Apemazzle@reddit

Eh, he said pretty clearly he does enjoy it when he goes. Giving advice to teenagers tends to fall on deaf ears at the time, but subconsciously those messages are heard and often pay dividends when they're older. Personally I'd prefer to have had a Dad who tried and failed to get me to do stuff, over one that just left me alone and never pushed me at all. The problem with "just leaving them alone" is it can seem too much like not caring, or not showing any interest. All teenagers want to be left alone, but they do actually need a bit of guidance from time to time. It's a difficult balance, and not something people should pass judgment on with limited information.

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zazabizarre@reddit

He’s 16 years old mate he really doesn’t need to be a gym bro just yet.

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NecroVelcro@reddit

"I am patient with him" ... Repeatedly cajoling someone, or whatever you do to get them there, to do something that you admit that you know they have no enthusiasm for is not patience. Your muscular Mini Me wish needs to be dropped.

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Vitalgori@reddit

So I was in a different situation - I didn't do any sports or exercise as a teenager because I wasn't fit enough to enjoy sports so I never did enough to get fit. I really liked skiing, but I never did a large number of days on the snow. It was a vicious circle. And I tried to pick up weightlifting multiple times. Also, I never had a good example from my parents because they didn't do any sports. What got me into doing exercise in my early 30s, specifically HIIT, was that my partner started going regularly. I'd join sporadically, it would always be an excruciating 60 minutes, but after about about a year, I had built up enough strength and stamina to actually enjoy it, and crucially - to be able to stick to it on my own. The biggest reason for me to continue with it is that it improved every single other area of my life. I no longer felt drained after a day at the office, I could cycle around town easier, my skiing improved, etc. It was something I had to experience, not something I would have believed if someone had told me. I'm sharing this to say that habits take a lot of effort to build - especially ones that make you fatigued and sore. Weightlifting from time to time is actually 50% of the way to consistency, so it's a great start.

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GavinF83@reddit

I think parents have a tendency to want their kids to follow in their footsteps, whether that be into the career they’re in or to take up the same hobbies. I get it, parents want to have shared interests so they have something with their kids to bond over. However it’s important to remember they’re their own people and they won’t always like the same things. I also do powerlifting but it isn’t for everyone.

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CedarClove@reddit

He probably has dopamine burnout. Loads of kids and teens especially are facing this 'epidemic'. They're so hooked onto everything being quick loud colourful, it exhausts the pumps in your brain. Everything feels lacklustre to them. I suggest reading into it and what you can do to fix it. Also try to get him involved in something else that serves someone else but him as a start. I'd strongly suggest volunteering at a soup kitchen or just volunteering in general. It keeps the pressure and attention away from him. Hopefully that will spark something in him.

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thatawesomebacontaco@reddit

Imagine you're a teenager talking to your friends. "My mom made me volunteer at a soup kitchen." I get the lesson that you're reccomending be instilled. But if he's not interested, forcing him to do something that YOU want him to do isn't going to make him more likely to pick up a hobby...

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Cheap-Rate-8996@reddit

I get what you're saying, I didn't get the impression the other commenter was suggesting they force the kid. When I was that age my mum suggested I try volunteering at a charity shop. I was bored and wanted something to do, so I did it. Ended up enjoying it, made a friend while I was there and got a good sense of working in retail. You'd be surprised by what kids will be up for if you just plant the idea in their head. I think they were just suggesting OP try the same, not 'dragging them there by the ear' so to speak.

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Bumbleybeena@reddit

My little boy is non verbal and SEN. And honestly it’s other people’s comments in front of us and him. “Oh you can tell that one isn’t normal” etc. just, have a heart. Maybe don’t say those things.

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Forsaken_Bee3717@reddit

Watching my daughter realise that her dad will say that he loves her but that it won’t extend to actually doing anything, or even being interested in school or her interests. If she wants to see friends, do any activites etc. she does it with me.

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trayfenny@reddit

It seems your answer to the question is accepting the childs father's role.

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AdAccurate5267@reddit

Wow what a toxic and odd comment

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trayfenny@reddit

Is this mumsnet?

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AdAccurate5267@reddit

No, hun - you’re almost certainly blocked on there

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trayfenny@reddit

No. You probably smell.

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Independent-Code8621@reddit

Ooh insults. Prolly a prick.

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AskUK-ModTeam@reddit

Don't be a dick to each other, or other subreddits, places, or people. Don't be a dick to each other, or other subreddits, places, or people. AskUK contains a variety of ages, experiences, and backgrounds - consider not everyone is operating on the same level or background as you. Listen to others before you respond, and be courteous when doing so.

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GenGaara25@reddit

This is reality. Where good fathers take interest in their children.

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trayfenny@reddit

Obviously, we dont seem to have the fathers take on the matter. Yanks being yanks.

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GenGaara25@reddit

Not even the right continent dumbass.

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trayfenny@reddit

Oooohh insults x

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UnacceptableUse@reddit

!dick

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AskUK-ModTeam@reddit

Don't be a dick to each other, or other subreddits, places, or people. Don't be a dick to each other, or other subreddits, places, or people. AskUK contains a variety of ages, experiences, and backgrounds - consider not everyone is operating on the same level or background as you. Listen to others before you respond, and be courteous when doing so.

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UnacceptableUse@reddit

!dick

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

How awful it is to see your teenager upset. My teen is awesome most of the time, revises without being told, uniform always correct (if the skirt is too short), helps around the house when asked with minimal attitude. Literally the ideal teenager so far (touch wood). We have a great relationship so if something upsets her at school I always get told when she gets home. She's got a good group of about 10 female friends who mostly seem reasonable, attitude wise, considering their age. However she is the group introvert, so sometimes feels on the outside looking in. She is very sensitive to any criticism, or being excluded. If this happens she keeps it together until she gets home and comes to me. I hold her while she breaks apart, it kills me every single time. After she's calmer I get the play by play. We always talk it through and within 20 minutes she is normally giggling at her over reaction, or has a tentative plan ready for the next day. But those few minutes where she's breaking apart in front of me, that's really tough. Logically I know whoever upset her (friend, peer or staff member) likely didn't mean it the way she interpreted it, and would probably be gutted to know they had upset her. It will probably be old news in a couple of days, or at least have worked itself out. But when I see her walk through the door, face teary and a wobbly voice, it's very hard to tamp down my 'lizard brain' which goes full on angry Hades (from Disney's Hercules) and is telling every fiber of my being to find them and scream "how fucking dare you not love her". Completely irrational and obviously not something I would ever do, but my brain does it every single time.

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mrsfadedglory@reddit

You sound like you have such a lovely relationship, I have a 2 year old daughter and I’m definitely aiming to cultivate a loving, understanding, accepting environment for her

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jonquil14@reddit

I just want to say you’re a good parent. You’re her safe place. Well done.

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

I literally have a sign in our porch that says "you are safe to be who you are here". If I get to death and the only thing that can be said about me is "she was a safe space for the people around her" I will be more than happy.

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AbleWorldliness8@reddit

What an incredible mum you are! I don’t have any children (yet), but I’m curious. How did you build this level of trust and relationship? I have never had this with my own mother and worry I won’t have it with any future children I may have.

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

We talk a lot. I am chronically ill and unable to work, so although I physically I've never been able to go bike riding or on a playground with her, she has had my time when she's needed it. Being her mum is my number one job along with managing my health. I think it's quite difficult for working parents to get the time that's not packed with tons of running around. That is not a criticism because I would love to be able to work, but I suppose it's a silver lining to being defective 😂 I am extremely lucky in that her dad, my husband is just about the best sort of man. Supportive, protective but not aggressive, respectful, functional in society and grounded, no airs or graces in this house. We all take the piss out of each other but honestly our little family unit of 3 is freaking awesome. So I think all round she's had a lot of input from a lot of adults who have been really decent people. I was the first one out of my group of friends to have a baby so she had lots of people around to interact with. She also not been over indulged. When we were advised to stick at one child, we made a commitment not to have one of 'those' only children. She was made to share with other kids, took her to baby and toddler groups, sit on the naughty step if she tantrumed. Behavioural expectations were explained and she was held accountable in an age appropriate way. So a bit of luck, a bit of circumstances and a lot of being actively invested in her not only being happy, but to her being the best her she can be, whoever that ends up being. Genuine quote to her year 3 teacher at a meeting about her anxiety - "but you need to understand that we are not pressuring her, we only care that she's happy. If she ends up identifying as a peacock, working what some would consider a menial job and in a polyamourus relationship with 4 other people, as long as she is happy healthy and not hurting others, we will be happy"

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DonFisteroo@reddit

The fat thing is a real problem! I'm a teacher and I've overheard so many conversations (usually year 10/11 girls) where they can't get past the thought that they might be fat (they're not) it's heartbreaking how worked up some of them get over it. It is getting better though, some of the older teachers I work with tell me horror stories of how bad it was in the 90s and 00s and apparently night and day compared to now.

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HayleyMcIntyre@reddit

Unfortunately, I think it will get bad again with celebrities becoming visibly thinner and the mass availability of weight loss drugs 😟

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tiny_tina1979@reddit

That and hearing your parents talk about dieting, eating something 'bad' and selfies and filters...

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

We went to the GP this week (period related - the joys of being female) and they weighed her, noting that she had lost a bit of weight. The GP was really serious in telling that with that drop and her increased height, her BMI is now 20 and that to lose anymore weight would have negative physical implications. I'm really hoping that it will get through to her. Unfortunately I know it's unlikely to completely alleviate her concerns as I was the same at her age. Thinking that because I had a shapely figure, that meant I was overweight. I wouldn't want to go back to being a teenager again!

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

I grew up in the 90's and 00's and it was just a given that you grew up feeling fat, even if you weren't. It was (is) eating disorder city.

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zznznbznnnz@reddit

This sounds like the sort of emotional literacy we were aiming to teach when I worked with teens. She expresses and experiences her emotions in an appropriate setting, verbalises and processes, and thinks of a plan to manage the situation going forward. (Even if that plan is move on, I’m over it.) And on top of that, isn’t hard on herself about it :) she sounds great!

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

She is awesome. I have a chronic illness and obviously in some way that sucks and has made parenting harder. But it means I have the time to spend with her and we have always been a family that will discuss things. We have always advocated good listening from her being a baby (literally pointing at our ears) and we've always explained why we have the rules / boundaries we do. "Because I said so" isn't our way. We are very lucky in that she hasn't really had too many behavioural issues, the worst being anxiety in her first year at high school. Not to say she's not a stroppy cow at times (but aren't we all) and she does get called out on bad behaviour if it happens. I'm not one of those parents that thinks she does no wrong. I think because of my illness she has grown up empathetic, but also understanding that weakness (physical or mental) doesn't determine your worth as a human. Also we are very open with our absolute zero tolerance approach of discrimination, so she's pretty socially aware. So far, so good. She's happy, healthy and a good person. I think that's what we all want for our kids.

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Nydiwen17@reddit

OP, you sound like an amazing mum and like you're doing a fab job. Your daughter reminds me of me at that age, I eventually found out about 'Rejection Sensitivity Disorder' which sounds like this experience, especially with the recognising an overreaction some time later after crying your eyes out!

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

I haven't heard of this previously, but I reckon that would explain a lot, and not just with her. Rejection breaks my heart every time I see / read about it. Even in films it's an immediate physiological response, heart rate and breathing increases and it's like all my hair stands up on end. I've always wondered why I react like that.

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One-Day-at-a-time213@reddit

I have a 4 month old baby girl and omg I'm so focused on sleep deprivation and milestones and safe sleep I never accounted for the teen stuff ahead 🥺

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

https://preview.redd.it/h6l7rwo02bfg1.jpeg?width=1180&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9c372c91382f94319a2f02daecadb688f9e39c5f In case you needed a visual.

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No_Concept_3477@reddit

You sound like an amazing mum!

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Past-Anything9789@reddit

Thank you - she is without a doubt my greatest achievement in life and I am very lucky I get to be her mum. 💓

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DropDeadFredidit@reddit

You took the words out of my mouth ❤️

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furexfurex@reddit

I'm so glad she has you

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65bottles@reddit

You must be an amazing mum for her to be so open with you! I wished so much as a kid that I could go to my own mum with problems like that, you are doing an amazing job and I'm sure she is/ will be incredibly grateful to you ❤️

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tiorzol@reddit

I hope I have this kind of relationship with my kids when they are older. You have curated something special there

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unicornpal1@reddit

You sound like truly an AMAZING mum. I wish I had someone like you growing up x

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MidLifeCrisisManSky@reddit

This is good mum vibes. 😁

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OnceUponAComment@reddit

overstimulation, repeating myself, losing parts of myself

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StereotypicallBarbie@reddit

My son did this when he dropped out of college during the pandemic.. for a while I really worried about his lack of motivation, and wasting his education.. he’s 22 now, has a job and doing ok! Not really what I wanted for him but you’ve gotta let them find their own way you know.

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PalookaOfAllTrades@reddit

I have 2 adult children, with a new partner, who just started primary. Baby stages were hard, everything since has been magical. Moat difficult thing is as they get older knowing you wont get to do this again and also feeling like you are not present enough or doing enough or providing enough.

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Icy_Specific_8333@reddit

When I'm going through a proper rough time and I'm expected to remain on top and put a happy face on because I have to be strong.

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HappyCuppiccino@reddit

I realised that my child deserves me to give him my whole self, and it’s hard to do that when you’ve always avoided being your whole self. Idk man there’s just nowhere to hide from your own kid. They’re little mirrors even if they don’t mean to be.

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Yelloow_eoJ@reddit

Most difficult experience as a parent is how after having kids my partner stopped focusing on me and the relationship died and she eventually asked me to leave. It's been a long time coming, she's clearly been unhappy a long time, since we started having kids, 6 years later, she's done. I just never expected to be a single parent, but that's going to be my life now.

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thereisalwaysrescue@reddit

Selfishly; no time for myself. This weekend my auntie has died and then my father in law, but yet we still have function and care for the kids while we are grieving. Same happened a few years ago when I had a stillbirth and my dad died… we had to carry on.

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ElsaWinchester@reddit

I'm sorry for your losses. I don't think it's selfish to wish for some time for yourself to process those things. I hope you get some support

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thereisalwaysrescue@reddit

Thank you. My MIL (not married to FIL, long divorced) has taken the eldest and we have toddler still. Gosh it’s draining.

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Tezzybear@reddit

I have an 8 year old son. Honestly the hardest part was the first month or so as it was all new. Been a breeze since. Except everytime he has caught a bug i have caught it too.

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Mkflowergirl@reddit

When they were younger the sleepless nights...now they are older the emotional hurt they feel in life stuff...you wish you could take the pain away x

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hndbabe@reddit

Nowadays I don’t blame anyone (young and old) for being completely unmotivated. I honestly don’t see the point of life and it only seems to keep getting worse, the evil are awful and the good ones just not doing anything about it. That’s my biggest Challenge as a parent, living with the guilt that I brought a perfect little being to this cruel horrible world. But because the damage is done I wake up every day trying my best to stay active, be a role model and fake enthusiasm for life and all activities. Example is the most important thing to raise children, you have to show teach them with actions. Are you passionate about anything? Get excited and try to get your child involved?

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reditcyclist@reddit

Seeing my daughter cut herself rather than talk to us. Pain beyond description but we'll get there in the end.

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llamasfartIveheardit@reddit

Most difficult part of parenthood so far is explaining to my almost one year old why she cannot lick the toilet brush.

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godofoi@reddit

Wait until your toothbrush tastes funny and she tells you "it might be because I cleaned the toilet with it"

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Richard__Papen@reddit

Me and my brother have zero goals, zero ambition. Our Dad was very self motivated and pushed himself. We're the opposite. He was always on time or early. We're always on the last minute and often late. He went to bed early and got up early. We do the opposite. He was good at DIY, we can't even do the most basic thing. Etc etc.

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TheStuntDude@reddit

What a waste of life. Hopefully when you reach adulthood you both realise how much awesome shit is out there and you start pursuing it.

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Richard__Papen@reddit

We're middle aged.

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brizzle9293@reddit

Some people are just meat for the grinder

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Richard__Papen@reddit

No idea what that means

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brizzle9293@reddit

I’m not surprised

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TheStuntDude@reddit

Getting downvotes for having an adjusted view is par for the course on this site. Imagine having hit middle age without doing anything of meaning? What a sad existence.

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fleetwood_mag@reddit

Ever feel like changing it?

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Richard__Papen@reddit

Occasionally try but it's extremely difficult if you don't have it within you.

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underarock12@reddit

Same bro

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-myeyeshaveseenyou-@reddit

My daughter developed an autoimmune disease when she was 5. It can be fatal, we are lucky that it has never been as serious as that but it has been serous. Lots of hospital stays. Lots of school missed, schools have been terrible. I’ve watched my girl (just about to turn 17) struggle to just be well. I’ve seen a teacher ask her to guarantee she’s be in for the next fortnight after a 2 week super infection. I tore verbal lumps out of said teacher. I’ve watched my daughter be told to drop her favourite subject and the one she wants to do as a career because of how sick she was and how much school she missed. Last year I watched my daughter get a grade 8 in that subject for her gcse because no matter what the world throws at her she is a determined person. Watching a person as determined as her having to constantly work harder because of her health has been heart breaking. I just want her to have a normal life. It’s also been hard on her brother who was 1 when she got sick as he’s had to come to hospital appointments when there’s been no one to take him or sat in a&e for hours with us. It’s not affected his childhood in the same way but it’s affected it. I feel like neither of my children have had the life they deserve. My son did cut all his hair off for charity when he was 11 after spending time in hospitals with children with no hair as my daughter is treated in haematology and oncology and we were fielding questions about bald children to him from about age 3. He raised over £2000 and split it between little Princess and the Sophie Lancaster foundation and donated his hair. He still never wants to leave the house, do his homework or do much besides play his Nintendo (he’s now 12). He’s also stopped s as d started various clubs. I try not to worry about his lack of direction currently. I know 16 is older but he has time too. Another thing maybe worth considering is how is his mental health? It’s rough being a teenager these days

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Kpowell911@reddit

Got a 2 year old daughter. She is my world. Most difficult thing has been going down to one income.

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chroniccomplexcase@reddit

I’m not the parent but the child and I know for parents it was knowing their genetics passed on a number of genetic conditions that have resulted in my losing the ability to stand/ walk and hear. I don’t blame them in the slightest, they had no idea and did nothing to cause it and are amazing supportive parents- but I can’t understand how they would still feel some guilt.

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Strange_Cranberry_22@reddit

The toddler/pre school years of not being able to reason/negotiate. The complete and utter self-sabotaging behaviour (like taking 1,000 years to get dressed, when if they just put their bloody clothes on we could go out and do the child-centred fun activity that we’d planned). Also their lack of appreciation of free time! Me and husband have always had our hobbies and interests. I remember a free Saturday morning feeling like a huge golden opportunity. We sometimes find our 7 year old son staring at the wall waiting for the next thing in the day to happen because he’s at a complete loss for what to do with himself. He’s a fluent reader and has a ton of kits/games/art supplies he could get on with, but rarely seems to come up with ideas of things to do and ends up wafting around aimlessly or provoking his siblings.

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Spottyjamie@reddit

Trying to Cut back screen time

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Bowl-Of-Salad-1499@reddit

Speaking on behalf of my mother because its something she has confessed to me she is struggling with. Both of my young adult brothers have no motivation for adult life. One brother is still holding out hope that he will run his dad's business with him and doesn't want to have a job in the meantime. (His dad has made no mention or effort to train him for said business work since he left school and the dad hardly contacts my brother now he has a son with his wife) And another brother can't get a job because his dad is holding all his ID. He has asked for the ID back but he gets the same excuses each time. Its "lost" or he doesn't need it to get a job. My brother doesn't want to call the police and report it because that's his dad, which I understand, but he doesn't realise that he cant do anything without it. (The ID is in his dad's address so if it's reported missing, it will just end up back in his hands) My mum has been funding both of them since they left school and they dont fully realise how difficult that is. As the eldest sibling I try and push them in the right direction but they still don't have that motivation they need.

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EggLipTricycle4293@reddit

>And another brother can't get a job because his dad is holding all his ID. He has asked for the ID back but he gets the same excuses each time. Its "lost" or he doesn't need it to get a job. My brother doesn't want to call the police and report it because that's his dad, which I understand, but he doesn't realise that he cant do anything without it. (The ID is in his dad's address so if it's reported missing, it will just end up back in his hands) So, wait? This brother is a young adult (over-18?). His father is holding his ID. I assume this primarily means birth certificate? Maybe his passport? The father won't give the over-18 son access to these documents even though they're needed for so much in life... do I have that right? If they're lost the father would co-operate with getting them re-issued, right? If a copy of the birth certificate is needed the son could have that sent to the father's address, no? But you seem to be saying the father isn't being helpful? What do you think is going on here? The father can't provide the ID because he's sold it on the black market? Wants to control the ID to control the son? What's the angle here? Is this father the same one who owns a business the other brother wants to work at?

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Bowl-Of-Salad-1499@reddit

No different dads. The dad withholding the ID is also my dad, but I chose to go no contact in my mid teens. He's just a man who likes to be in control and cant accept that his adult children are adults. He's adamant that my brother doesnt need his ID to work and its just an excuse our mum has made up so she gets hold of the ID. The ID he has is his provisional licence and birth certificate. I believe he can get another birth certificate issued but a lot of jobs like to have photo ID on top of that, which we can't provide as any legal documents sent to the fathers address, my brother will not get or see. To be honest I've no idea what the dad is up to. He's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist. Half the shit he does makes no sense.

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EggLipTricycle4293@reddit

OK, yeah, this is... unusual. I've heard of some cases of under-18s where one parent closely controls their passport because they're scared the other parent will abduct the child back to their home country (or prevent travel to the home country, depending). But for a parent to be doing this to an over-18 adult is... not common.

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Bowl-Of-Salad-1499@reddit

The man is a fruit loop honestly. Me and my brother were treated very differently by him growing up so I saw his true colours very quickly. My brother on the other hand is only just seeing it for himself

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panadoldrums@reddit

I just ordered copies of my birth certificate for about £20 and got them sent to my new address, no problems. Have a look on gov.uk as it shouldn't be too difficult to get this one part of the problem solved.

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Antibiotics121@reddit

He hasn't stuck to any goals well that's because he is surrounded by too much comfort.

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1968Bladerunner@reddit

Seeing 2 kids bought up to adulthood the same way diverge so differently as they've aged... true chalk & cheese stuff, which isn't uncommon from what I see with other 2-child families. Seeing one struggle with pretty much everything, while the other seems to glide through life relatively flawlessly, is tough. Just trying to support both in different ways, & hope the tide turns for the struggler.

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banwe11@reddit

Currently it's trying to refrain from using swear words in front of him

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CarelessPudding7680@reddit

Some people take a lot longer to mature than others. I was in my late 20's before I stopped being a child and found some direction. I wouldn't worry too much, though obviously you still have to try and guide.

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Embarrassed_Park2212@reddit

I think the hardest for me was being maternal. I didn't really want kids. Anyway I ended up getting pregnant but by the time I'd found out I was past the point of no return if you like. Not that I would have anyway. I have tried and done my best. I am probably a better parent than my own parents were and think I surprised myself. I took an interest in her school life and went to plays, sports days etc. The other difficult thing was making choices for my child, that upset other adults around her. The headteacher told me that she'd never amount to much and spend life like a loner and probably on the dole. Well she's nearly at the end of the 3rd year of university and has been told she's been accepted to do her masters degree without an interview because her grades are so good. I just wish I could say a big f u to the headteacher and her dead beat dad. She's at university as a mature student because of illness in her teens, which I won't add because there is an essay here already.

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zazabizarre@reddit

Who are these evil teachers saying things like this about children? I hear it so much and just can’t believe people who are meant to be guiding kids can write them off like this

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phoebesolid@reddit

When I was a teen, a teacher told me I wasn’t university material. When I did go to uni in my mid 20s, I made myself get a good mark just to prove a point. My mum wanted me to march into the school to show said teacher but I managed to persuade her not to based on the fact that the teacher probably doesn’t work there anymore! But until I got that degree certificate and heard my mum get cocky on my behalf, I had never realised how much that comment bothered my mum as well as me. I hope my child knows how indignant I am at the inevitable shit remarks from shit teachers, because learning that my mum had remembered that was very special for me.

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Smooth_Leadership895@reddit

Not a parent but my parents were told the same about me and 15 years later, I’ve graduated university and about to enrol myself into pilot training. I use that message my teachers gave me back in primary school as fuel for my motivation.

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chuchoterai@reddit

Parenting a lovely, funny, sweet neurodivergent teen who like physics and minecraft, and watching his 13 yr old heart break on the daily that he hasn’t found a friend group of his own. And not being able to lstep in and solve it for him.

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Due_Garlic_3190@reddit

I’m not a parent but this really made me sad to read. I hope your boy finds his people soon, bless his heart

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chuchoterai@reddit

Thank you.

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Hot_Delivery_4523@reddit

My child self harms and has done on and off for about 8 years to my knowledge. Tried all sorts but I know I'll find a razor blade hidden after every visit.

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MacaronDesperate9643@reddit

The constant negotiations from them. Telling them no, explaining why I said no, and them still asking me why.

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ClimbsNFlysThings@reddit

Coming to understand that some key parts of life come down to luck.

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Pinecone_Porcupine@reddit

Do you mean like health/disability, intelligence that kind of thing?

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ClimbsNFlysThings@reddit

No just opportunities, development, friends, experience.

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Bashmore83@reddit

My daughter is two. I’m absolutely terrified of the misogyny she is likely to encounter in this world. And that there is quite possibly nothing I’ll be able to do about it. As a male I’ll do everything I can to reflect the values of decency and equity but it still makes me anxious

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bugblatter_@reddit

The kids

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kateykatey@reddit

The overstimulation. My brain is just so full of all the things I have to think about. Oldest is 10, youngest is 5, I haven’t had a proper break since I wasn’t a parent. Ahhhhhh

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placidkiwi@reddit

My son declared the Star Wars prequels were better than the original trilogy... we don't talk anymore.

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Redgrapefruitrage@reddit

My son is only 3 month old, so at the moment, our biggest struggle is that he’s sort of given up on daytime naps. We aren’t sure why, hoping it’s just a stage. What this means is an overtired and grouchy baby when we get to bedtime plus it means no respite for me during the day. Though, if I had to go back to having a newborn, and the cluster feeding, I’d take this any day!

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HelloMishMoneypenny@reddit

The worst thing is coming to terms with the fact that you can't stop time. Thet really do grow up so fast.

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Familiar-Woodpecker5@reddit

All of it lol. The responsibility is overwhelming for a solo parent but they are the reason I get up everyday. I have a 18 year old lad, don’t give yourself a hard time it’s a teenage boy thing! He will find his passion one day, it may not be the same as yours but he will.

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TeamOfPups@reddit

There's a lot of routine involved in parenting. The first few months it's a feed/sleep routine you do eight times a day. That eases off, but there's the same things you do every day at the same times, the same places you have to be. I'm a person who thrives on novelty. So the routine has been a challenge for me.

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Radiant-Syrup28@reddit

Letting go. Daughter's 20, at uni and hopefully doing a Masters next year. She'll have to live in London for her career so I have to get used to the fact that she'll likely never live nearby ever again.

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Loose_Avocado4670@reddit

Not a parent, but my mum frequently comments about how worried she is for my future, considering the state of the world at the moment.

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PuzzledTrainer7297@reddit

Being 16 is hard. There's exam pressure, the pressure of choosing your A levels/ career path, and all the big identity questions that go along with it. Not to mention learning how to navigate relationships and sexual interactions for the first time. He might be feeling burned out, stressed or depressed. Let him have his downtime and properly relax. 16 isn't forever. When I was 16 I didn't do much of anything, but I needed those years to get my mojo back. As a 29yo adult I'm a very motivated and ambitious person with curiosity and interest for the world around me. He'll come into himself.

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Infamous_Tough_7320@reddit

Just wait until they get to 18. Has to be the worst of your life

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Glowing102@reddit

I agree. I hated that age ... 16 to 19 was pure hell for me. Nagging parents just made it worse.

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SometimesMonkeysDie@reddit

Watching one of my boys really struggle with mainstream school. We've spent 19 months trying to get him into a SEND school and have just beaten the local authority into admitting they were wrong to deny him a place initially. Between his mum and me, we've spent hundreds of hours, hundreds of pounds and shed hundreds of tears, but it was worth everything to see the look on his face when we told him

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No-Operation-2542@reddit

lmao yeah we had discos in primary school, just a bunch of kids awkwardly dancing to s club 7 or something

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WEAREREVOLUTIONARY@reddit

Try doing stuff with him. I agree about the weights thing as it's one of things that we all should do for the rest of our life's. But I don't do but I should so it's hard to get the little ones to do stuff we don't do

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Ruu2D2@reddit

What is he into ? My husband parents always was so unbothed or negative about is interest

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Colleen987@reddit

Not being able to read. Such an stupid one but I used reading to decompress

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tobotic@reddit

Rust programming is pretty difficult and the kids never bloody help out with it.

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NoResort4867@reddit

Dealing with the school when I was having issues with my son, they were blaming it all on behavioural, control and it being his choice for the way he was behaving. In fact my son is autistic and was having meltdowns and not knowing how to deal with things like his other peers

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Radiant_Fondant_4097@reddit

The energy required - my eldest is 10 and the whole journey I’ve been constantly in a state of being worn out. Both boys have special needs and with the effort required there are times there’s just nothing left on the patience fuse. Educating and training them - It kills me they struggle so much with the basics of reading and writing and the future terrifies me. For the lighthearted side of things I’m so done with the likes of Skibidi Toilet and Minecraft, I know we all enjoyed our own brand of brain rot but goddamn…

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fleetwood_mag@reddit

A guy at my CrossFit gym started bringing his circa 14 year old with him. 3 years later and that is one solid 17 year old lad. My children are only 7 months and nearly 3 years old but I struggle similar with my toddler. We’ve done SO much with her, so she can see what she likes: forestry school, play groups, play cafes, gymnastics, swimming, arts and crafts, walking the dog, parks etc. All she’s excited by is tv, and sometimes swimming, I’m hoping she stays enthusiastic about swimming. It’s so disheartening when they don’t feel enthused about much. I’m hoping it’s a phase and yes I would have been so happy to have my parents involved in what I wanted to do.

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QuiteFrankE@reddit

The hardest things that I’ve found difficult have varied depending on the age they were at but overall, it’s been the knowledge that I’m teaching them how to deal with life for when I’m not there one day.

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

Everyone has a preferred age range. Mine was junior school so 6 to 10 roughly. I had lovely nice kids I enjoyed spending time with and teaching and showing them the world. They had a nice friendship group each and life was fairly smooth. With secondary it got a lot more complex the transitions werent good all their friends scattered to different schools, learning difficulties raising their heads, emotions and hormones stand fucking gcses. I hope it gets better once they are 20+ !

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Mental_Body_5496@reddit

That they dont listen to me ! Life would be a lot simpler if they accepted i know better - but thats not how my teens are programmed!

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PrestigiousLaugh9267@reddit

OP, have you encouraged him to pursue a career in the armed forces? It's fantastic for getting young people interested in wide range of things. Sport is obviously encouraged massively but not just your run of the mill football, boxing or rugby. I'm talking about sports that just aren't accessible to most of us like parachuting, paragliding, mountaineering, kayaking, sailing etc. The military forces you to take part in life. It's full of odd balls, recluses and the missfits of society and everyone is all lumped in together and forced to work out how to get on together.

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Few_Lengthiness_2587@reddit

Letting go of my old life.

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PrestigiousLaugh9267@reddit

Different parenting styles between me and my wife. Having the energy to pursue my own interests that used to be a massive part of my life such as exercise.

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Formal_Produce3759@reddit

Different things at different stages, the toddler "madness", teen moods and constant dramas, the handling of school and school work/homework etc etc etc.

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