Feeling lost after moving abroad — job search, loneliness & low motivation
Posted by Fit-Collection-4556@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 77 comments
Hi everyone, I moved to the Netherlands recently after getting married. I’m actively searching for a job but the market feels slow and unpredictable. Every morning feels heavy — waking up without a routine or clear direction is a struggle. My husband works full-time and I hate that I sometimes feel dependent or useless. I keep waiting for him to come back because I don’t have much else to do, and I realize this is not healthy for me. Some days I feel low, unmotivated, not confident, and question my worth. Back in India I was busy, independent, surrounded by people. Here I feel lonely and disconnected and honestly scared that I’ll lose myself if this continues. If you’ve gone through relocation, unemployment, or rebuilding life in a new country — How did you cope mentally? How did you build routine and social connection? What helped you not fall into negative loops? Any advice or personal experiences would mean a lot. Thank you.
Mashdoofus@reddit
I went through this when I moved to France, and I did so much thinking and soul-searching (still ongoing) when I suddenly went from a big busy full life to sitting at home and not knowing anyone.
People would say "oh you're so lucky you get to live in Paris/France/Europe, what a dream.." and I would think "well it's not a dream for me, I just want to have a job" or I'm just homesick and want to be with my family & friends. it's ok that people just have a superficial view of your life, what you feel is real for you.
People would say "just get out there and meet new friends, have you tried Facebook groups? meetups? once you know people you'll be fine". that's true, but meeting people can be HARD and it's not a given that you will find true friends. by all means reach out to your community, expats, whoever you connect with, but also give yourself time and space to go through that process.
People would say "it's not that bad, at least your husband can provide for you." well life is not just about the identity of my husband and the manage-ability of our budget, I also need purpose and meaning in my life. and when you move countries, all that gets thrown up in the air and you are just sorting out the pieces as they land.
Summary: people don't know what you are going through. Even your husband doesn't know what you are going through because what you are going through is unique for YOU, and whatever other people think is whatever they think, take it with a grain of salt.
What helped me the most was to write down stuff as they happened and how I felt, it was the best way to process for me. Social contact helped and slowly I did make new friends and acquaintances that made me feel more settled. I learned to speak French. I went back to work. It's still really hard, because I've lost the ease of being in my own country and surrounded by people that know me for ages, but it does get easier with time.
Dimitycat-77@reddit
Can I ask how long you've been in France?
I moved here 4 months ago from Australia. I married a French man. I am struggling to learn French, I haven't worked for a long time so I doubt I'll ever work again. I walk a lot, and I have kids so I've made a few acquaintances through their school. It is hard not to slip into depression. But I do love France.
Mashdoofus@reddit
I've been here for 2.5 years. French is hard to learn for English speakers, it takes a long time to become fluent and it's hard to achieve without having the environment for practise
Altruistic-Poem6709@reddit
I'm in the same exact boat. It's hard to feel the language barrier and know you need to push through it while you feel hopeless and depressed.
Mashdoofus@reddit
Solidarity. Hope it gets easier for you
Altruistic-Poem6709@reddit
Thank you!
Financial-Leek6013@reddit
What you are describing is exactly what I’m going through and exactly what I would say to people who would make those suggestions. It’s just not that easy as said. Socializing and hang-outing with strangers just wouldn’t do. I feel like people need a consistent sense of belonging and safety with close friends/partners.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Hey, feels like you totally understand my thoughts. Thank you.
jay_sanc@reddit
You’re not weak or broken for feeling this way — what you’re describing is extremely common after relocation, especially when work, routine, and identity all disappear at once.
One thing that doesn’t get talked about enough is that moving countries often causes a temporary identity collapse. Back home, you had feedback loops: work, people, competence, momentum. In a new country, especially when job searching, all of that goes quiet at the same time — and the brain fills the silence with self-doubt.
A few things that helped me (and others I’ve seen go through this):
1. Separate “job search” from “self-worth.”
The job market being slow is not a verdict on your value. If possible, give job searching fixed hours and don’t let it bleed into your entire day.
2. Rebuild any daily structure first — even a small one.
This sounds basic, but having anchors (same morning walk, same café, same gym class, same study hour) stabilizes your nervous system before motivation comes back.
3. Create one identity outside your husband.
Not because he’s doing anything wrong — but because dependency sneaks up psychologically when you lose your own arena. Language classes, volunteering, coworking spaces, or even a recurring meetup can help here.
4. Accept that loneliness abroad doesn’t mean you made a bad choice.
It usually means you’re in the middle of the transition, not the end. The “in-between” phase is often the hardest and least Instagram-worthy.
You didn’t lose yourself — you’re just between versions right now. That phase can feel scary, but it does pass once routine, agency, and social contact start stacking again.
You’re not alone in this, even though it feels that way.
Large_Palpitation432@reddit
I would recommend finding an expat group in your community so you can meet new people and have some social interactions with people who have been through what you are going through and help you. I would also recommend finding local communities that may be a mix of dutch and overseas members, like sports and hobbies, for the same reasons but also helping you learn and integrate. Definitely work on developing your Dutch and don't be afraid the try it out, it can feel embarrassing being a novice but its definitely worth it. And finally job hunting is always brutal, remember to take time and space and touch grass for your own sanity. You'll get through it and be greatful you did
DutchieinUS@reddit
If you don’t speak the language yet, sign up for language classes. Being able to speak the language will help with your job hunt, integrating and you’ll meet new people.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Yes, i am thinking of learning dutch language so that i can communicate more and maybe make new friends as well. Thank you.
dallyan@reddit
Do this now. Do an intensive course and knock that out in a year. If I could do everything over again I would have done that instead.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Hey thanks for the motivation. ♥️
TopPresentation5611@reddit
Yes, they are right but be aware just because you go intensive, doesnt mean youll be fluent or learn as fast as the class teaches. Everyone brain works differently. You might be juggling work, kids, life and lnguage and its HARD. HARDER than anyone really emphasizes!. Ive never seen people become fluent in 1 to 2 years. most average people it takes YEARS and even then its not perfect. Some jobs are stickler with using the language to a perfect degree. Good luck!
ready_gi@reddit
i lived in NL for 17 months and as an expat woman found it very challenging culturally. i guess this depends which city you're in, but it's pretty cold culture. maybe try to find fellow expats/ some game night/ some english hobby class, just to find some people.
Beats_Satchel@reddit
Of course, learning the language is good, but meeting others who also are in the same boat can lead to solid bonds.
After 24 years as a foreigner (even though I’m a citizen), it’s the friends I made at language school I am closest to…
DutchieinUS@reddit
I know it must be tough, but you’ll get there! You got some other good suggestions too, so hopefully you’ll find your feet soon.
Rakcitypeach@reddit
Hey! I’m also an expat in the Netherlands. I’d suggest starting to learn Dutch. I think there’s a school called ROC in many cities that offers free Dutch classes (or at a very low price I’m honestly not entirely sure). Otherwise, many libraries offer “taalcafés,” where you sit with a group of people who are learning the language, usually with one native speaker. It’s a nice way to practice and meet people. If that doesnt work then maybe join the library and find Dutch books for beginners that you can learn from.
Another thing that could help is joining the Expat Spouses Initiative. It’s a non-profit organization aimed at helping expat spouses connect with companies through networking events. Dont forget to sign up with agencies as well!
I’m a recruiter, by the way, and I can tell you there are currently more jobs than job seekers. However, there’s a gap in the market that doesn’t seem easy to bridge. I always told myself when I was jobless, “there’s no way I’ll be jobless forever,” and that turned out to be true. I’ve switched jobs three times since I arrived here six years ago. You’ll manage and it’ll end up okay. Dont give up 😊
Also idk what your field is or where you live but if you’re by any chance experienced in Marketing/ Product Management and live near Eindhoven, I might be able to help.
Apart from the job search, join a gym if you haven’t already or find group classes you can join. Intimidating at first but so much fun.
Best of luck, initial period is always tricky to navigate but you’ll get there.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for the encouraging message — it really means a lot 😊 I’m currently based in Amsterdam and working in the IT/BPM space as a Pega Developer. I’m actively job hunting and also starting to learn Dutch. Really appreciate you sharing these resources and motivation!
TopPresentation5611@reddit
I read your a painter and dance....Quit sulking and get to work! hahaha You have hobbies, why are you sitting around. But lets be real, The job market in EU in general is pure shit and I would honestly move somewhere else if I were you......unless he has a great job to keep you both afloat for years then maybe stay but be warned, EU is more racist than Us and jobs are VERY VERY hard for immigrants....youll be in for a rough time.
carnivorousdrew@reddit
I'd move out of the NL to be honest. Worst place to live in, especially if you are experiencing depression.
TopPresentation5611@reddit
Unfortnatley I agree
ZBrrs@reddit
What you’re feeling is very common after relocating, especially as a trailing spouse. Losing routine, independence, and social circles can seriously affect confidence, and that doesn’t mean you’re failing.
What helped me was creating a simple daily structure even without a job. Setting specific job search hours, going for daily walks, and having one activity just for myself made a big difference. For social connection, I stopped waiting for it to happen naturally and joined language classes, expat groups, or hobby meetups. In countries like the Netherlands, structure really matters for friendships.
Also, talk openly with your husband about how heavy this feels. You haven’t lost yourself. You’re in a difficult transition phase, and it really does get better.
Novel-Cricket2564@reddit
Maybe there is a group. You are the third girlfriend I've heard about this month who feels EXACTLY like this! You are so not alone... perhaps it's just a question of trying to find the others and start something!
SignificantCoffee474@reddit
It took us 4 years to properly settle in the Netherlands. You simply have to push through as it goes from stressful and lonely to amazing pretty quickly!
There are large communities of expat Indians and many at my work. Try reaching out on Facebook and seek company.
In time things will become more familiar :)
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
Hello, I have lived in 4 countries, in one case I have moved to study but after my 6 month scholarship ended, decided to stay to be with the love of my life so I have some insight into how you feel
Imo start by creating some positive lifestyle changes
sports every other day. The endorphins will make a huge difference
get used to riding a bike to adapt to the local lifestyle
the Netherlands is so beautiful. Take time several times a week to discover the town and the area by foot or by bike
join some local expat or local communities Eg GoSocial, Facebook groups
find out what volunteering opportunities are in your area
learn about the history of the Netherlands, local traditions etc
learn Dutch
In other words, get active and get interested in your new surroundings because the Netherlands has a lot to offer. Once you get a job you’ll have less time to do it but you’ll have developed the confidence of knowing more about your new country
shiny_octopus@reddit
Life is so funny. I would do anything for a chance to live in Netherlands and I feel lonely and demotivated in my home country.
It is so impossible for me so please just now you are so lucky.
And my advice would be to join some volunteer activities. I made so many friends there by checking the opportunities in NLCares. I remember one of the volunteer works we did was to tend to the garden of an elderly couple. We also helped paint the house of a single mother. It really helped me integrate myseld and build good connections.
Also there is thing called TimeLeft dinners, I recommend you check them out too!
Best of luck and good wishes!
I hope have your problems one day..
A_Starving_Scientist@reddit
You must foster your own sense of independence and purpose. Feeling dependent on him will eventually make you resent him.
If you dont speak the language, get yourself into a langage school. Network both professionally and socially. Try to get involved with atleast one group where you see the same people repeatedly, this can be a community gathering, hobby group, meetup, or classes of some sort. You need friends, community, and a sense of purpose, and none of that is found waiting at home.
AnyDemand33@reddit
Definitely get an immersive language course (but check out the school before signing in because you must feel that it’s fitting to yourself). And, with or without course a course, join in a hobby or courses for anything you like. Time will pass by and consume you and you don’t want to turn yourself into a stone into your husband shoes: now that you’re still strong, go for it and find something.
Snoo_95478@reddit
If you search on internet you will realize you are not alone. mental health is a big deal in NL. Is a trade of leaving in NL. So you would ask your self … does it worth it?
Impossible-Snow5202@reddit
Go back to being busy and independent.
Get up when your husband gets up for work. Help him with breakfast if he wants help; otherwise stay out of his way and get dressed for your day.
Stick to a routine every day. Decide what time is best for your sport or exercise, and do it on time. Do job-search activities 8 hours every day, including applying for jobs, networking in your city, and keeping up with continuing education.
Make a housekeeping, shopping, and cooking schedule and stick to it. While you have the luxury of making your own schedule, use it to your advantage to make nutritious meals and have a clean, organized home.
Find the city volunteer center and sign up for a short-term project. Keep in mind that you cannot offer a long-term commitment, because you are job-searching, but you can get to know the people running things, so that you can stay involved in small ways in the future.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thank you. Your words gave me hope 👍
Mundane-Slice-8395@reddit
You can try serve the city Amsterdam! Had a great experience with them even without speaking dutch
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
I will try for sure.
Mundane-Slice-8395@reddit
No problem! I'm also south Asian in NL so feel free to drop a DM if you want to chat. It took me quite a while to find my job so I can relate to your frustration. I wish you good luck!!
Strict-Armadillo-199@reddit
As someone who went from a busy career-oriented person to a housewife overnight (due to not being able to work as a teacher specifically in my husband's country), I can second this advice (although no one wanted a foreign volunteer where I live, unfortunately).
Having a schedule/routine (I can personally add that including journaling, meditation, walks in nature/green area, and physical exercise in that routine took me from surviving to thriving) really, really helped.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing your experience 😊
Appropriate-Diver758@reddit
I can relate.
I am from Australia and lived in the UK for a long time with my husband who is British. I lost my job end of Nov 2024 and still unemployed. He goes to work and I feel like you; no routine, useless and bored.
I don’t have language issues but also like you don’t have a large support network here like I do in Australia.
I can relate but sorry I have no advice but interested in what advice people give you.
Dimitycat-77@reddit
I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I recently moved to France and married a French man. I am struggling to learn French. I don't work, he works full time. I am alone a lot. After he goes to work some days I spend in bed because I'm getting depressed.
I try and keep busy by walking, doing crafts and trying to learn French. I'm also from a hot country and finding winter a struggle.
If you like walking, geocaching is a fun way to stay busy.
Ok_Ability7823@reddit
For socializing, look at facebook groups such as Girl Gone International | Amsterdam, or others like it.
I am also currently in a very similar position, but I have been able to socialize with a lot of like-minded women (typically also international) through pages like that (I consider it one of the last good things Facebook is good for, lmao).
As for the routine and job stuff -- also currently figuring it out, so I don't have any advice, except what others are telling me, which is this: You just moved to a new country and are getting acclimated. Don't be too hard on yourself. (I personally find this advice logically easy, but emotionally difficult to encompass lol)
expatgeorge@reddit
One very practical thing that always helps me (I just relocated a month ago) is to find a café you like and treat it as your “office” for your job search. Get up, get dressed, and go there on a regular schedule (even just a few hours each morning, afternoon, or both). Having a place to go gives your day structure, separates “home” from “work,” and slowly brings your confidence back.
It also creates small, natural social contact like the staff who start to recognize you as a regular, other regulars, familiar faces, etc. Those tiny interactions matter more than you’d think when you’re new and lonely.
Relocation can quietly mess with your identity as you go from capable and busy to feeling invisible overnight. That doesn’t mean you’ve lost your value, it just means you’re between chapters. Routine first. Confidence follows.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thanks for the positive words. I ll try this
KulshanStudios@reddit
Do you have hobbies? Get back into those
If you're musically-inclined, the Netherlands is one of the best places in the world to be
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Hey, yes. I am good painter. A classical dancer. Maybe i ll look for similar things here.
flaveous@reddit
Maybe look for a place you can get back into dance? I am getting back into a sport I haven't played for 20+ years over here in Germany. Turns out, they have a need for my skills and I may end up coaching quite a few people and possibly a team in the future :)
KulshanStudios@reddit
Your hobbies may also turn into a way for you to earn income, and then you won't feel like a freeloader, so it can be a win-win there
Catcher_Thelonious@reddit
Common topic with lots of advice available for review: https://www.google.com/search?q=reddit+expats+How+did+you+build+routine+and+social+connection
Less_Caterpillar_961@reddit
Hi i was also in your situation still going through. I moved from India 2 years ago now working but still feel lonely and depressed most of the time. I am near Uithoorn currently trying tk be more busy find some activities that really helps
Sigizmundovna@reddit
Exploring the city/landscape with a book/headphones helped me a lot - the city feels and looks different when you explore it on your own, in your own time.
Sticking to a regime helped me too - I tried to get up and go to bed at the same time daily, this bit of structure helped me not to zoom out.
Veel success ;)
AlfaHotelWhiskey@reddit
It’s a very tough time of year too. You are at a much higher latitude with a lot lot less sunlight. It’s prime seasonal depression time of year. Consider taking vitamin D at a minimum.
Hot_Catch6440@reddit
Look for an expat group for your ethnicity/home nation. For me, it became a lifeline of friends going thru the same experiences and a valuable info and job-hunting resource.
throwaway8237987@reddit
Find convenient activity partners (book clubs, running group, board game cafe, ...)
Orbital_cow@reddit
Go out. Have coffee. Meet people. Enjoy not having a job.
MissBliss555@reddit
Bumble for friends !
kushal92@reddit
I was in a similar state of mind in Berlin a few years back. I started with a daily routine like I was doing a job. I would be at the public library every single day at 9 am, they have free WiFi there and I would apply for jobs for 3 hours, then I would have lunch and and then again in the second half I'd go back to the Library and do online courses (German language and also some other professional certification courses). I did this for about 3.5 months everday, sent about 200 job applications and got about 199 rejections. It was a hard time, I depleted all my savings from India and then also had to do some odd jobs to survive for a few months.
Now I've moved to Hamburg (5 years already) and have a satisfying and well paid job and nothing to complain other than the weather sometimes.
I totally understand that it can be difficult, but have faith and don't start getting into the downward spiral. Try to contact / talk to as many people as you can. Making new friends or just aquaintances can be quite helpful and definintely get into a routine!
All the best of luck :)
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thank you for this, it really helped me feel better. Respect for the hard work you put in — it gives me hope to keep going.
Impressive-Ice-4594@reddit
Have you tried reaching out to other immigrants ? when I took language classes I met some great people and found some friends. These are people also feeling the same so are more open to new friends than locals sometimes are.
Also a great time to work on new hobbies and skills. Perhaps something could turn into at least a small income.
My best advice as I have struggled too, is work every day at building a positive mindset based on appreciation for what you have. Not everything is going to go well, but that's part of life, and that's true for everyone. No need to let yourself get dragged into an endless spiral downward.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Hey thanks. Yes i am working on building new hobbies. Thinking of becoming home chef so that i could start earning something for my mental peace. I am looking for platform where i can meet poeple and talk to them, i think language xlass is the better option now
Sephass@reddit
You live in a country full of beautiful cities and architecture. Go outside, walk around, see places. If you reframe it - this is an opportunity of a lifetime to have unlimited time to go around and experience stuff without time constraints. Being outside, among people, catching sunlight - this will help massively to fill in the time between the jobs. Good luck!
barelydazed@reddit
I love this perspective! Something that I had to overcome was the guilt of enjoying myself while my husband was working. It's so silly...as if he'd prefer that I was home and miserable rather than out and enjoying myself while I was job searching.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Yeah, i didnt think like this. Thanks i ll for sure visit the places from my wishlist in netherland.
Safe_Place8432@reddit
How long has it been since you moved?
One thing that I only realized in hindsight when I moved for my ex is that it took me six months to get a job. At the time it felt long and horrible and I felt like a failure, and then after working a while I found out that six months was absolutely normal for the job market at that time. So it might help to reframe it that way if it has only been a few months.
I really suggest language classes to get out of the house and meet people.
Finally, I don't know where you are from but I come from the southern us and the darkness of my first European winter was psychologically very hard. Where I come from there is only three hours difference between sunsets at the solstices. The early early dark days really got me down. It might be a thing.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thanks. Its been 4-5 months. I am from India and was surrounded by my family, many friends. Also, job market seems low now, everyone is asking for dutch speaking candidate. I hope time will heal everything.
Strict-Armadillo-199@reddit
Just wanted to say, you're not alone in this. What you're going through is really hard, and your feelings are valid and pretty typical for people who go through the "trailing spouse" situation in whatever form. I totally agree with having a structured routine (I added my own personal experience with specific activities that helped - see my reply below) and volunteering.
Finding people with similar experiences here on this sub is a great first step, that's what I did too. It lets you know you're not defective or crazy and certainly not alone! From there I can recommend trying to connect with other expats in your situation, and maybe some that also come from India. If you can't find anyone local to meet face-to-face, which is best, at least try to meet people online for regular chats and support when you're feeling low. I've heard Facebook has a lot of expat groups for each country.
It's not to say you should hide in an expat bubble, but having even one contact that understands what you're going through and maybe is a bit of home away from home can be your "safe space" in a sea of all things new and unfamiliar.
Wishing you all the best. You sound open to working at this, which is the best attitude for success, that and patience, ha ha. Remember to be gentle and kind with yourself. This is really hard, what you're doing.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Hey thanks alot. You understand how i feel, it really means alot. I ll for sure check facebook groups.
ebamey@reddit
Same. I moved to Canada recently to be with my husband. I feel so useless and unproductive. I also keep waiting for him to come home. Lol. I do not have friends yet. Sometimes I miss my family, friends, and cats back home. Winter season is not helping. Looking for a job related to my work experience is tough in a small town. But since we adopted two kittens, I somehow feel happier. I’m also actively searching for a job, any job at this point. And I told my husband that I want us to play badminton sometime. I hope we both cope with life changes, OP.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
I can understand how you are feeling. I am so glad i posted my story here. I feel better and already got so many suggestions. I hope you will also feel better soon. All the best 😊
pandora-----@reddit
Do you speak Dutch?
What did you do at home on free day? You can do the same there, english is spoken everywhere. Museums, parks, workshops ecc. It Will take time but you will build your life back.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
No, i dont speak dutch. Planning to learn it now.
pandora-----@reddit
So go to language school For sure there are almost everyday courses .you will meet people, you will be independent . without the language you hurt yourself
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Yes planning to join koentact in amsterdam. It will help me feel better i hope.
pandora-----@reddit
Good luck ♥️
Difficult_Pop8262@reddit
>How did you cope mentally?
Before I didn't know how to meditate, I just took it one day at a time, going through the ebb and flow of my anguish and worries.
After I learned how to meditate: still taking it one day at a time, but being much kinder to myself.
So, learn to become a good meditator and never forget there is always a way out. If at some point you need to leave, then leave.
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing your experience. I will try this.
sunscraps@reddit
Was in the same position- volunteering brought me a lot of joy and routine for the week! https://volunteering.nl/
Fit-Collection-4556@reddit (OP)
Thank you i ll check this.