Anyone reconnect with "the one" from high school? How stupid am I for think of doing it?

Posted by jeffdatist@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 503 comments

TLDR; I´m thinking of reconnecting with the girl I was planning to have a life with in high school; stupid?/crazy?/creepy? Yeah thats the question, here´s storytime. I am an idiot with a high iq, and yes both are very true. After really thinking back over all the poor life choices i´ve made, the biggest one, was letting other people and events convince me I didn´t have a chance, and that even to try would be too much pain, so I walked away. The begining, I met her through her brothers and my best friend. And it was love at first sight, but im an idiot who´s better with computers or food then people, and didnt click that was it. Important detail, she was/is a good mormon girl(lets not get into the mormoweeds please), and I was very much not a good church of any kind boy. Not really bad, just more free-range. While we know each other(I did anything to be close to her, without admitting to myself I was ), had other girlfriends before I got up the courage to start really trying with her, seriously, I joined the mormon church, went all in. She had said that she would only marry someone who had gone on a mission for the church. So, idiotboy here, went to the bishop to sign up, anything for love right? Weeellll, top question was 'you´re a virgin, right?´. Ahhh, no I'm a teenager not a monk. I wasnt don juan, but I was \`adventurous' shall we say. About that time my home life fell completely apart, all my other activities, skiing, scouts, sailing ect fell apart too. So, instead of what I should have done(aint 40yrs of hindsight grand), which was talk to her and lean on her and her brothers, I closed up, turned away from everyone, and joined the navy never to return. 40 yrs later, still cant stop thinking about her, recently found out where she is and am thinking of begging to be friends, just to have her in my life alittle bit for as long as I can before I screw it up again.

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Round-Public435@reddit

I did - and it didn't go well. We dated in high school for a couple of years. I don't know why we broke up - I was the one that broke up with him - I was starting to realize he really wasn't "the one", and our relationship wasn't based on the right things to make it be a long-term love. He was one of the town "bad boys", and didn't seem interested in being anything else, and that doesn't take long to get old. After no contact for almost 30 years, we reconnected via social media. He wanted to talk on the phone, and we had a few phone calls, catching up with each other. He expressed an interest in seeing me, even though he lived out of state at the time. He talked about moving back to our home state (where I still lived) and moving in with me. Uh...what? Back the bus up, pal! We had only \*just\* reconnected after nearly 30 years, and he wants to MOVE IN WITH ME? My radar was going off, red flags were flapping frantically, and I was backpedalling faster than I ever had in my life. I told him I needed to get off the phone and we'd talk some other time. Enter Google, Facebook, and the almighty search, which turned up some very interesting facts about him. \- He had already posted on Facebook about moving back to our home state and "moving in with an old flame" \- His friends commented on that post and wished him good luck dealing with his exes and the courts. \- A Google search of his name and the state he told me he was currently living in, and the states he told me he'd been living in over the years turned up very public posts by those exes, stating he was a deadbeat dad with 6 kids. At least one of them reported that he had abandoned her and their 3 kids, taking the only vehicle they had and disappearing, leaving them no money and no transportation - and he currently owed hundreds of thousands in child support on all of the kids he had, because he apparently didn't pay support for any of them. He had already admitted to me that he had 6 kids and that he hadn't seen any of them in years. I asked why, and he said it was all the moms' faults. It was all just too much. I cut off contact with him and never heard from him again. He \*did\* move back to our home state - but fortunately, I think he got the message that I didn't want to play house - and hasn't tried to contact me.

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VowelBurlap@reddit

Yea the next piece of advice I will give young adults who start dating someone is to do a background search before you get too involved. I don't care how charming they are (actually especially if they are really charming). Losing a bunch of money to a deadbeat isn't remotely the worst scenario; while I've seen that happen a few times, we had to go through much worse with our daughter and grandkids.

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Round-Public435@reddit

Excellent advice. Unfortunately, it sometimes falls on deaf ears. I've tried to warn relatives of mine of this very thing - that someone who seems REALLY charming at first will usually turn out to be completely different when you get out of the honeymoon phase. Once they get their hooks into you, they feel free to revert to their real self - and it's never good. I've watched relatives of mine go through this too - with abusers and addicts (sometimes both at the same time) - who hid their true nature for just long enough to hook them and reel them in - and then it was a long, hard battle to get the relative out of that situation.

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VowelBurlap@reddit

One of my pet theories is that people can't maintain that mask for much more than 6-9 months, and that's why problem people push for more permanent arrangements so quickly. They know you'd GTFO if you knew how they really were too soon. And that's why you should never ever make a permanent-ish commitment (moving in, getting married, blending finances) until at least a year has gone by. I've seen this effect at work and in animals too. People's (and \_other\_ animals') real personality doesn't actually come out until they feel relaxed around you or they are too tired to maintain their ambassador selves any more.

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

The 6 kids (that he doesn't see) was an earlier red flag.

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Round-Public435@reddit

It absolutely was, and that was the first thing that gave me pause - when he said that. But the rest of the info sealed the deal. I was outta there.

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AdMountain6203@reddit

You dodged a bullet there. Jeez.

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Round-Public435@reddit

That was my thought as well - and very glad I did. He lives and works not very far from me. Our paths crossed exactly once after he moved back here, but it was brief - he grinned at me, I smiled politely and kept going - not a single word was said.

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Cest_Cheese@reddit

Do not contact her. What you are experiencing is called limerence. She is unavailable to you so you can idealize her in any way that appeals to you. You aren’t infatuated with who she actually is, but rather the idea of who you would want her to be. No disrespect, but life is too short to be pining over someone that you can’t have. Find yourself a therapist and work through this. Then maybe, just maybe you will be healthy enough to find an available woman to have a real relationship with.

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VowelBurlap@reddit

So many times I have wished I could go back in time (way back, decades back, to my teens) and give myself this advice. Best I can do is advise young people to learn to stop pining for someone who doesn't want you, it is SUCH a WASTE of your time and energy!! Yes it feels terrible but do it for future you! It's a major reason why I didn't marry until late.

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gigantischemeteor@reddit

Good point. Limerance can be a huge issue with some folks with ADHD and related stuff. OP mentions getting treatment for ADHD, but even with treatment, not all ADHD symptoms attenuate evenly, let alone at all in some cases. If you don’t realize what’s happening, you can really convince yourself that reality is very different from what it is.

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4Q69freak@reddit

I still talk to mine about once a month over FB. I did hookup with a gf from college. Mrs4Q and I dated for about a year in the early ‘90s and hooked up again about 11 or 12 years ago after we were both getting divorced.

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tjdigit@reddit

I reconnected with my first high school girlfriend through FB and it actually turned out well. I was madly in love with her during high school and tried to spend every available minute with her. We both moved to Florida from different origins (she was from Michigan and I was from New Jersey) and she lived 3 blocks from my house. I was happy and content but she hated Florida with a passion. After 1 1/2 years of dating, she graduated from our high school (she was a senior while I was a junior), handed me a “Dear John” letter and left for Michigan where I never saw her face-to-face again. A crushing heartbreak for me that I eventually got over with no rancor. Fast forward 35 years, I found her on FB and we exchanged a few nice messages recapping our lives. We’re now on very friendly platonic terms and share stories of our children and grandchildren. No issues with our respective spouses either as everything is out in the open on FB. Got lucky, I guess.

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politicssuk@reddit

I’m still friends with her, we talk a couple times a week. Our lives have gone in different directions completely, and will most likely never cross again, but we still talk

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Helpful_Cap_1786@reddit

You really need to get a grip, and move on especially if she’s married. You joined the Mormon church just because you were in love with her?

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bluemandjco@reddit

So I did this 2 times. Both were an epic desater. Who and what we were in high-school is not who we are now. 1st one was my coulda shoulda woulda. She was full on mental and we had nothing in common like we did. 2nd one was my ex from early college. I said we broke up because of distance and miss communication. Nope, she is still a controlling witch. My father left my mother to marry his college sweet heart. He totally romanticize the whole thing. He even confessed to my mother after his 2nd marriage imploded, he made a mistake. The grass is always greener, but if you worked on your yard it would be green too.

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thedudeintx82@reddit

I lost my wife in 2023 to cancer. A little over a year later, I reconnected with my favorite GF from High School. We've been together about a year and a half now. It's been really good. We both thankfully have a lot of life experience behind us and it's been the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

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plnnyOfallOFit@reddit

Yah for sure i did person still a pot head & fickle as F. TWo timing self centered narcissist who never grew up. Hot lil bod tho, same as i remember. Twas a hot tub time machine adventure, only worth it cuz i was so nervous & confused i lost a few stone 🤣 HIgh school insecurity--- i don't miss ya!!!

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ResponsibilityOk3703@reddit

My dad and step mom did. My bio mom divorced my dad after almost 30 years. (Stayed together way too long to raise us kids.) Dad started attending his hometown functions to reconnect with old friends. His highschool girlfriend had recently been widowed and the reconnected at a school reunion. There were together 20+ years before my dad's passing. It was a good for them, and as adults we gained new step siblings. We were more friends- but our kids got lots of extra cousins out of the deal :).

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WeirdBluePerception@reddit

I did. He had matured and grown up and somehow became intelligent and not the stupid kid that he once was. We would have hours of conversations that were just so mind-boggling thinking back on it. We never really argued and just enjoyed each other's company immensely. Then out of the blue, he died. We were together a year and my life fell apart after he died for a while anyway. He was a good dude and I really miss our times together. He just had some demons that this life he wasn't able to fix. And it sucks that someone in my family unfortunately contributed to his death. I say go for it. Life is short, and you never know where you may find some happiness and you have to find and enjoy that happiness while you can.

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LovedAJackass@reddit

If she's married, leave her alone.

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no_crust_buster@reddit

Especially this part… ☝🏼

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no_crust_buster@reddit

Nope. I’m a believe that things happen for a reason, even if we do t understand why at the time. If it didn’t happen then, it likely won’t now. Cherish the moments you had, but don’t try to make a fantasy in your head become reality.

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VowelBurlap@reddit

There are of course exceptions, because sometimes you just aren't ready to be serious, or not ready for each other, or summat, but most of the time IMO, you gotta remember there's a reason you broke up. I got back with my HS love and I regret it. IT was a complete waste of my time, and late in my life. I was madly in love with him when we were first together, but he turned out to be super crazy, I know that's not politically correct to say any more but he was very insecure. He also would have these weird fits where he was overwhelmed by any sensations, and would either pretend to or actually have hallucinations of this little demon thing running around. That's just some of it and I finally couldn't take it any more and dumped him. Also he couldn't let go. But we reconnected many years later, on Facebook, and he seemed . . . fine? We had always had so much in common. It sounded like he'd gotten therapy and such to help him with whatever it was. A few more years passed and we started connecting more, then emailing, then we started a long-distance thing, visited each other a couple of times, and it gradually became evident that he wasn't fine; he'd just learned to mask it better. I got fed up with his BS, dumped him, and 6 months later, I met my husband.

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NunyaBizz_88@reddit

This is ALLLLL MOST males do! They learn to mask as they figure out that THING they do is f’d UP!

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eventhorizon3140@reddit

JFC, just move on. Its in the past. If she's married, that a hard NO GO. That will cause so much trouble. How will you feel if you become a honewrecker? Its pure selfishness There's no such thing as perfect. If you've made bad choices, surprise, we all do it. Make different ones. "Midlife crises" are made up BS. Don't take yourself so seriously.

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RzrKitty@reddit

Yep- they are bald, fat, and with a resting bitch face wife! — big win for me! Yes I’m spiteful. They broke up with me at SCHOOL so I had to ride the bus home crying. Could have waited until the weekend

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Disastrous_Offer2270@reddit

My dad did. He was 15 and met my mom who was 14. They had a brief romance and then a correspondence (different countries). She married someone else, he stayed single, when he found out she was getting divorced he made his move. They were married for 52 happy years before he died three years ago.

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Cutlass327@reddit

I did, we were both married though. Stayed friends, and come to find out why I quit hearing from her a few years ago was because a tumor took her from her family... I was talking to her dad one day, he thought I knew.

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bonasera-bonasera@reddit

Didn't Garth Brooks address this in one of his songs? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dtopRtx0Co](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dtopRtx0Co) Beyond that, you are creating your own story-- your own fantasy and your own expectations. Imagine finding out someone did that about you. Eventually, you might be writing a post here about how creepy! And we would saw how unfair she was being to herself and you by creating such a fantasy. GL!

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callmedata1@reddit

God, you're exhausting. She's married, you're living in some fantasy past that never existed. Leave her alone.

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No-Guard-7003@reddit

What a fool believes.

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rebamericana@reddit

This is the basic premise of the movie Blue Jay, which is also Gen X gem.

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Wrong_Pen6179@reddit

Ever heard of it but will look it up!

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rebamericana@reddit

It's amazing. Stayed with me for days.

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Wrong_Pen6179@reddit

Thanks for sharing! I’m going to watch it tonight on Netflix.

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rebamericana@reddit

Hope you like it! It brought back so much for me.

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Wrong_Pen6179@reddit

I enjoyed it! Thanks again.

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rebamericana@reddit

Awesome, glad to hear.

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Aerwiar@reddit

Outstanding movie

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Wrong_Pen6179@reddit

Going to watch it tonight, thank you!

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Aerwiar@reddit

What did you think?

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Wrong_Pen6179@reddit

I really enjoyed it!

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nordicman21@reddit

I'm all for you shooting your shot, but begging anyone to be friends is not going to end well.

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Geoffmc4@reddit

1. There is no such thing as "the one". 2. The person you think is "the one" doesn't exist anymore. You're chasing a fantasy.

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Tech-Tom@reddit

Do it, take a chance. I did and we've be married for 26 years as of this month

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Key-Plant-6672@reddit

Very

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Individual_Power_489@reddit

Fell in love with her in fourth grade. Our paths separated in college. 10 years later when Facebook first started up, we became friends again. I fell in love with her all over again You never stop loving the one.

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ExpatriateAnthem@reddit

Yes, come to find out she had borderline personality disorder, soured relations with mutual friends, turned some of my family and close friends against me as well as placed an unfounded restraining order on me when i was on the other coast of USA. For this very biased and personal reason, I don't recommend ones that got away. But if you decide to try, may the odds be ever in your favor.

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Guilty_Eggplant_3529@reddit

I did, and married her. Dated in high school, around 1992, briefly. Got back together \~2000 miles from the high school, and over 20 years later. We are still blissfully married, but I recognize that we are probably not typical in that regard.

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ErnieShovelhead@reddit

In the words of the Beatles , " let it be , let It be "

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Son_of_Man_1307@reddit

Pulled up her social media account…uh, no thank you. Good lord, the years have not been kind.

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Son_of_Man_1307@reddit

To be clear: I’m no peach to look at either 🤣🤣🥴

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No_Tradition1219@reddit

Yes, two of them. Though we remain “friends”, I am constantly reminded of why I dumped them.

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ghentwevelgem@reddit

She’s married, and your intentions aren’t compatible with that.

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ProfessionalCat7640@reddit

I got a phone call about 10 years out of high school from an old friend. I was married with 2 children and another on the way. It was a complete surprise and my dumb ass didn’t realize it was a “you were the one” phone call because I’ve never felt highly enough about myself to recognize when someone is into me. We caught up for a few minutes, I told them I had settled down and learned they were unfortunately recently out of a break up. When they found out my situation it turned into an angry scream fest of name calling and blame. I didn’t wish any ill will on them and I’m sorry for their situation, but because I didn’t have fairy tale situation they were looking for, I became their dumping ground. If you do reach out to “the one”, don’t get angry if it isn’t the Disney princess fairy tale you want it to be, don’t take it out on them.

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Hondahobbit50@reddit

Jesus Christ how in the world can you decide to make a call laying everything out and not be ok with the conversation having one of two distinct conclusions......they shoulda known and been ok with both outcomes before they even called this is nutz

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icy_sylph@reddit

because for some people, they are the main character of the world and are entitled the rom-com ending

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ProfessionalCat7640@reddit

This. I think this is what it is.

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Ssladybug@reddit

Can you say bullet dodged??

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ProfessionalCat7640@reddit

It was a shocker.

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bored2death2@reddit

Mormon here - assuming your breaking the law of chastity occurred prior to you joining the church, e.g. getting baptized, would not have disqualified you from going on a mission. Even if it had? There's a thing called repentance which could have easily occurred to remedy the situation. Virginity is not a requirement to go on mission, and it still isn't. That Bishop was a moron, like several others I've had the displeasure of interacting with. I am sorry you got a turd bin of one in your youth. I am in loose contact with most everyone I dated in high school and college (only had one bad break up, I'm just too nice of a person). The idea of 'getting together' is often just a fantasy. There's been (in my case at last) 40 years since graduating HS. I am a different person. These people have lived too and are different people. And I agree, write your letter - burn it or keep in your diary if you keep one and forget about it. Remember the good times you had with her and the bad times...

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Appropriate_Host8088@reddit

From someone who did reconnect with my first love/high school sweetheart 20 plus years later and we did end up together. I would not do it. She is married and if she is serious about her Mormon faith, you don't know her situation. She has moved on and you should respect that. In my case, it was about timing and both of us were free when I reached out. Timing is everything.

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Pumpnethyl@reddit

People change a lot in 40 years. I connected with a few HS friends a few years ago. Some were great people and still in touch. Others were the same wreck they were in HS, just older. The people that moved away from the town where I went to school were doing great. The others were immature and gossipy. I hung around a rough crowd in HS. We were hard-partying “freaks”. We drank a lot, smoked, usual stuff. Great life as a teenager but can’t do it in adulthood. I met my beautiful wife when I was 20 and moved on . Some of the group were hitting crank, crack, etc. I think everyone of us here has this same story

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jagger129@reddit

I’m 61, and recently my college boyfriend who I always thought of as “the one”, came to visit me. It was a great time together. However I realized that in retrospect, we wouldn’t have made it as a couple, we are too different. But I enjoyed seeing him and spending time with him. Go into it with very low expectations

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Sure-Sport7803@reddit

I just did it. Go in without expectations or you will have issues. People change. You will meet someone different than who you knew. But it can work. I love my life after reconnecting

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CB_Chuckles@reddit

If it’s any consolation, I was single until 58. Then I finally met my one. She’s a year younger and she was single her whole life as well. We’ve now been happily married for 3 years and plan on having a long and fruitful marriage until death do us.

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No_Maintenance_9608@reddit

I don't think there was anyone that I considered "the one" at the time, but there was one classmate that I began to develop feelings for through the years because I would encounter her now and then; I still live in the region where I grew up and went to school. The last time I saw her in person was at our 10-year reunion. She has a FB page, but I figured what's the point a lovely lady like her is probably married with a family.

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KKadera13@reddit

The odds of meeting someone that is close to your imagination of her adult-self at a bar are billions of times higher than her becoming that person, AND being ready to engage.

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analogpursuits@reddit

Y'know that song by the Doobie Brothers...the one about the guy who tries to reconnect with someone he was obsessed with and then she doesnt even remember him?

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CommanderSincler@reddit

One of the best songs ever. So many great lines, including "He came from somewhere back in her long ago" and "She had a place in his life, he never made her think twice." And before I start getting into arguments, I make myself remember that what a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away (and I direct that line at myself too)

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Kitty-Keek@reddit

I absolutely love that song and I never really closely listened or paid attention to the lyrics until just now.

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CommanderSincler@reddit

"Trying hard to recreate what has yet to be created"

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bobnla14@reddit

Title is "What a fool believes" I think. It says it all. It is human nature to look back and forget the awful and enhance the good. Also listen to Garth Brooks "Unanswered Prayers" I think this one is it up. Neither one of you is the same as back then. But it is worth talking to them just so you can put it to rest.

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Happycappybara21@reddit

> How stupid am I for think of doing it? Very stupid. At the same time wjat the worst that could happen (unless she or he husband are phsychos) Contacting her is a high risk low reward situation. My advice. Maybe reach out over social media and just say something like “hey I remember you from when we were kids, just wanted to say hi, hope things are going well for you and your family” Then leave it at that. If she responds then you respond . If nothing then do nothing. There’s a miniscual chance that she hates her life and is looking for an off ramp.

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Leather-Newt-3910@reddit

Sounds to me like real life will never meet your expectations, leave it alone and move on

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Reader47b@reddit

She's married. NO.

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EwaGold@reddit

I’d bet 90% of all relationships fail. Not condoning cheating, but using hard to verify stats isn’t helping anyone. That said, people who are prone to cheat, usually repeat.

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jonny_mal@reddit

Just remember, reconnecting does not equal dating or sleeping with.

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TheJenerator65@reddit

I reconnected with my first love and it has been great. He's divorced, I'm happily married. We were kids - what harm is there in reminiscing now? We lost our virginities to each other on NYE and every year now send each other a "Happy anniversary 😉" message. We think it's hilarious, including my husband.

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Wtfmonstertruck@reddit

Tried it. Did not last 3 months. There’s a reason they didn’t choose you or you them back then and it’ll be multiplied by 10 now haha

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She_Wolf_0915@reddit

I went back to college in 2017 and took a bunch of sociology courses and one of the modules was on marriage and statistics in the US. In one of the research papers; it cited something like 80% of the divorce decrees mentioned the term “Facebook” in the filings. I found that interesting especially not knowing at the time my 2nd husband was rekindling on old flame and carrying on with a former girlfriend from 17 years prior on Facebook and Instagram. He ended up leaving me, and recognizing she was nuts. Which supports the fact that cheaters statistically speaking have an extremely poor chance of success with their new partners. Something like 89% fail rate. Just one tale among many on the dark sides to social media. So yes, take the rose colored glasses off!

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JaneAustinAstronaut@reddit

Oof, she's a hardcore Mormon? Uh, good luck with that. I'd personally stay the hell away from people who are that devoutly religious.

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Ronald-J-Mexico@reddit

Mormons do like soaking though, at least at BYU!

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deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Prejudices & Hostility - No speech of any form targeting anyone, including but not limited to: * Race, culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or other personal attributes. * No objectification, or sexual harassment. * No threats, or advocating for violence, torture, or death. * No generation bashing. * No "anything else" that is deemed to fall under this category.

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Prejudices & Hostility - No speech of any form targeting anyone, including but not limited to: * Race, culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or other personal attributes. * No objectification, or sexual harassment. * No threats, or advocating for violence, torture, or death. * No generation bashing. * No "anything else" that is deemed to fall under this category.

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GenX-ModTeam@reddit

Prejudices & Hostility - No speech of any form targeting anyone, including but not limited to: * Race, culture, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, socioeconomic status, disability, or other personal attributes. * No objectification, or sexual harassment. * No threats, or advocating for violence, torture, or death. * No generation bashing. * No "anything else" that is deemed to fall under this category.

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TonyBrooks40@reddit

Is she on FB? Why not write her there. Although, I did. Twice sorta, neither went anywhere, in fact they didn't write back. Not sure if it went into a spam box, or they just ignored it. One was a girl from church who liked me when I was around 16. I wasn't a complete church boy kid, and we went to different schools. I was stupid, and ignored her advances. Gosh I've made so many stupid decisions growing up with dating and turning ppl away. Now I'm old and alone, a curmeddgeon. I also friended and wrote a girl from elementary school who moved away. It was more about a childhood crush/friendship, and saying it was fun knowing her as a kid. I think she said she missed it when she moved away, but I said how we all got older and different social circles and cliques, it wasn't the same.

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APWildlife@reddit

Yes. Both previously divorced. We are married now. We have kids. Best relationship ever.

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Odd_Praline181@reddit

Every guy that reaches back out to "an old flame/the one that got away/one true love" Is usually in their own dark place and is looking to use someone else for their own personal external validation instead of doing the work to pull themselves out of it. Glad you are going with option 3 and not sending her the letter. It's a good practice to start processing your own feelings

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rufus_xavier_sr@reddit

My wife's former boss is now married to her high school boyfriend. 30 years no contact. They are very happy. I have a co-worker who divorced and his ex wife found her college boyfriend online. She moved back and is now married to him. There is zero chance I would go back to any of my former girl friends, but it happens I guess.

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Dumbkitty2@reddit

Please don’t. I didn’t even have to read your post to get the ick. As “The One” to multiple guys, just don’t. It’s just a vision in your head, I am not that girl you worshipped decades ago. She’s not remotely like me, she just wore my skin for a while. And if you keep showing up after she tells you she’s not interested, that’s not fate or romantic, that’s stalking.

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gothmeatball@reddit

I would not mention wearing anybody’s skin around this guy

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NancyPCalhoun@reddit

GENUINELY! “It puts the lotion on its skin…”

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harmlessgrey@reddit

Go ahead and reconnect! There's no downside if you keep it light and friendly. I got back in touch with my first boyfriend (via Facebook). He's ordained and in a same-sex relationship and I'm a happily married atheist, but it was interesting to catch up. And it did bring some closure.

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Kitty-Keek@reddit

I have a very similar situation with my first love from high school who is also married in a same sex partnership, and I am also married. I thought it would be lighthearted and easy, but it ended up bringing up a lot of very painful memories and sent me straight into therapy.

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iteachag5@reddit

Glad you aren’t doing it. After losing my husband of 33 years, I started dating a widower I went to high school with . I always thought he was so handsome. Wr married and separated a year later. I’m filing for divorce at the end of this month. One of the worst mistakes of my life. Nostalgia doesn’t work when it comes to marriage. Also she’s married. It’s wrong. Don’t do it.

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yupjustarandomranger@reddit

Instead of a letter to her, just write in a journal. Leave her out of this. Don’t play Russian roulette with maybe burning the letter. Just don’t write her one. There’s no letter you (or anyone) can write that will not look creepy and crazy in this situation.

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Kitty-Keek@reddit

This is a good idea and works in a lot of situations. If you have something you want to tell someone or feelings that you want to express, write them a letter but don’t send it. Write them a letter and then throw it in the fire. I find a lot of times online I want to make a comment so I type a comment and then instead of sending it, I completely delete it, but I still have the satisfaction of feeling like I got it off my chest.

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AliVista_LilSista@reddit

Lots of people, it's a thing. My sister and one of my oldest friends both reconnected with people.

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Science_Matters_100@reddit

After 40 years, no matter how well you knew her back then, that person no longer exists. Your memories =/= today’s reality

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Kitty-Keek@reddit

This is true.

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BeebsMuhQueen@reddit

Usually when you can’t stop thinking about someone, usually it means they are going through something. If someone is deeply on my heart, I usually check on them or reach out. Or I pray for them and maybe see how they are doing online…but not disturb them via contacting them. As a woman who was perused after high school via men on Facebook or whatever, it’s usually just guys wanting a fling, and some women see it that way from their experiences. I had a lot of friends from HS on social media years ago; and when I was single it was just guys trying to bang you. I didn’t date in high school, had one boyfriend from the cult I was in etc. (he was the same way to me as a married man, that he was when he was with me lol. Flirting at times or pretending video calls were accidental butt dial. He did find a wife more suitable than his first whom he cheated on, too. Dude seems to be doing a lot better, finally. Basically a lot of women are afraid to go there anymore with contact from HS guys… you can thank facebook home wrecker edition lol. It’s a shame because people that knew us before reality set in… understand us better they knew what we were going through. I thought connections from HS would be awesome and we could all move back home and raise our families together etc… but it’s not that way, unfortunately. So many went down the road of darkness, or choose bad people in their lives from trauma. It was extremely difficult seeing people that couldn’t see this vision I had of us all living quaint and family like. We tried this in my husbands hometown, too… and the place is destroyed, everyone is cheating on their partners and bullying each other like they are still in high school. Be careful what you reach out to

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Kitty-Keek@reddit

I agree. I had some unresolved issues with my first love from high school. We split up because this person was gay and came out to me, but then afterwards we got back together and then the whole thing fell apart because you just can’t go back after something like that. It was extremely difficult and traumatic at the time and I don’t think I ever really got over it. I recently reconnected with this person two years ago around the time of a high school reunion and it’s like it unleashed so much pain and unresolved feelings from the past. I knew immediately that I needed to go into therapy and have done so. Sometimes it’s about *the one that got away*. I think OP needs to just have some therapy and not reach out to this person. Also, I saw it in the edit that this woman is married so absolutely do not connect.

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Ok_Membership_8189@reddit

Not me. But two of my classmates reconnected and ultimately married a year after our 30th reunion. So 🤷🏼‍♀️

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JavierLNinja@reddit

After getting divorced from my father in law, my mother in law got back in touch with her high school boyfriend, who was also divorced. They've been married for almost 10 years now.

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Deesimon94@reddit

I guess I’m the outlier of the group. Reconnected with my ex in 2009- we’d broken up in 1994. We are no together and have been living together for the last 13. Our relationship is far from perfect. But, he’s my “asshole.” I don’t regret giving it a second chance, I believe we both needed to experience life apart in order to make it together.

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304libco@reddit

You’re not together, but you’re living together? I’m confused.

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Deesimon94@reddit

Sorry typo it should have read we are now together

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304libco@reddit

Oh ok.

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InternetConfessional@reddit

I fished my husband out of the proverbial recycle bin. He is my person. He was my person when we were teenagers too, but long distance phone bills killed our romance. We got married within a year of reconnecting and have been married going on 13 years now.

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Kitty-Keek@reddit

If she’s married, don’t reach out. Forget about her. The only situation in which it would be appropriate is if you are both single.

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kittycat_34@reddit

She is married? Do not insert yourself into her life. Move on.

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sigmpxshooter@reddit

Yes, my soulmate and happily married for 11 years. Fucking love that woman!!!

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Hondahobbit50@reddit

No. No no no. You DO WANT MORE THAN FRIENDS. DO NOTHING. Find someone new, you are mixing nostalgia into an old flame and looking for a good ending. Not gonna happen. I have one of these....dated a year. She was and IS the one.....but she's married. Gone with kids and a husband. I made my mistakes and wasn't HER one. It just wasn't meant to be. I'll never contact her. Ever. For any reason. She has HER LIFE. It is NOT MINE. I still love her, and will never do anything to complicate her life in the least amount....ever All I know is she has a family and that's it...never looked her up on Facebook....never looked her up anywhere...and I won't

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peptide2@reddit

Heyyyyyyy dont past judgement here , i for one think he might just want be friends after 40 years. It could happen. And iam sure her husband would be just fine with that . How cynical we’ve become as a society when we don’t believe people like this guy, who obviously has no interest in a romantic relationship in anyway with the one that got away . He just wants to catch up , you know go hiking, thrifting , share recipes, all the normal stuff…

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yellowsnow3000@reddit

Bravo! Pitch perfect... you had me in the first half.

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Small_Palpitation898@reddit

I don’t think you should reach out. You and her have both moved on. I think you want to reconnect to see if your imagined what I stayed scenario was true or not. Sometimes it’s best to leave dreams as dreams. Because if you get back into her life and she finds that she missed out too then she could get a divorce and try to get with you just to find out the dream isn’t the same as reality. Idk - I think stick with your mental what if dream and don’t open the door.

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EverydayAdventures2x@reddit

I agree. I went down this path and it did not end well. Turns out we both were wearing rose colored glasses and forgot why it didn’t work out the first time. Ruined the memories we held so fondly.

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Few-Pineapple-5632@reddit

No. She’s married. Full stop.

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Animaleyz@reddit

This. Even though he says he kind of just wants to be friends, he's still obsessed with her and has ulterior motive. Stay away.

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deetman68@reddit

It was slightly after HS for me—someone I connected with at a college Internship in FL. In my mind, she was “THE ONE”. But at 22, it was hard to fight through all the obstacles at the time. I spent many years after that (and 2 marriages divorces) wishing I had tried just a little bit harder. Turns out she ended up divorced too—and I shot my shot, fully expecting to get the “F OFF”. But to my delight, we were engaged in 2015, married in 2017, and are still giddy in love. GO FOR IT.

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been_blissed@reddit

Divorce rates for 3rd marriages are 73-74%.

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Commercial-Novel-786@reddit

Success rates for 3rd marriages are 26-27%.

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deetman68@reddit

Fuck off. Weirdo. Happily married for almost 9 years.

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Hardjaw@reddit

As in any ex-girlfriend? They're all crazy. One I dated said she'd kill herself if we ever broke up. I was 16 at the time and told her that we were in high school. You are not my first girlfriend or my last. I borle up with her when she told me that. Spoiler alert: she didn't do it. As far as I know, she was still around. Another girlfriend kept telling me what to do and how to dress. I broke up with her very quickly. There is one girl who wants to be friends. To be fair, we started out as friends. I'm not a guy who goes all friend zoned, but after hanging out with her and she liking the things I liked, I wanted to give it a try. We lost touch after she joined the military, and I married someone else. That marriage went on for 25 years until she had to die on me. Rude. Anyway, I think what you're feeling is nostalgia from "the good ol days." Time has passed, and you two are completely different people now.

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JimmysWytch@reddit

I reconnected with my 7th grade sweetheart. We got married, raised our 4 boys and had an extremely happy marriage of 22 years until he passed away. Go for it and best wishes

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deadlyspoons@reddit

Google “anchoring effect.” You are now both strangers to each other. Psychologically you are anchored to your early memories and ignoring/overlooking that reality. You need to reclaim authorship of your own story.

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Commercial-Novel-786@reddit

I'm not OP, but I really needed that. Thank you.

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Myghost_too@reddit

I have a coworker in his 40s doing that, and it is working well.

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scout_finch77@reddit

I was the woman in this situation. I got the “you were always the one” email from a guy I chased hopelessly all through high school. I had three kids and a good life/marriage and I was anything but flattered by the email. Too late, not sorry.

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Difficult-Total-8210@reddit

I did! We dated in high school(1991). She went to college and I didn’t. Reconnected on Facebook in 2017. Got married a year later. Things are going great!

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Rockatansky77@reddit

I didn't read your entire post and don't have to. Watch High Fidelity with John Cusack.

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Comfortable_Sea634@reddit

You win the argument at the end of every night... Great soundtrack!

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mecengdvr@reddit

This kind of thing always reminds me of the scene with Marge and Mike Yanagita from the movie Fargo. Always better to look foreword in life...looking backwards leads to falling on your face.

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Sugimon@reddit

There's a reason you wrote that in the past tense.

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Budinct@reddit

This

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illpoet@reddit

The woman who absolutely shattered my heart in high school hits me up every five to ten years wanting to get back together. I was all about it the first time she called. I started saving money and making plans to quit my job and move across the country to be with her. But when I called her to tell her I needed her address bc I was coming she said "let me call you back" and ghosted me. I found out later she met someone local and didn't want to tell me. So now when she hits me up on Facebook or whatever I am polite but very not interested. I realized it wasn't me that she falls back on when she's lonely. It's the idea of someone super in love with her who is willing to do anything to be with her. And that kid is long gone

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OtterMumzy@reddit

I married mine 30 years ago. 🥰

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Kongdong42069@reddit

I got her after divorce. Will be 7 years this weekend. All I did was be sincere and honest. Best decision ever.

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Badrear@reddit

My ex wife did back before she was my ex.

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Gremlin1001001@reddit

There was a girl in school that I was really into. I could tell she wanted to be with me in a physical way but I refrained because I didn’t want to mess things up. I didn’t know how to explain that to her and she got angry dropped me. ((Sigh)) The irony of it all. 😆I still think of her. She had this Joan Jett vibe.

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zazopolis@reddit

Mine has the world's most annoying husband.

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LiquidSoCrates@reddit

I married “The One” from high school. Reconnected with The One from middle school on FB. Turns out our values and lifestyles don’t align and never would have. She wouldn’t have been the problem, I’m the dirtbag.

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ccullen0013@reddit

I did at 30, married 1.5 years later, 16th wedding anniversary will be this April.

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PervyDragon419@reddit

I did. At 34 I married the girl I had been in love with since I was 16. We were very happy for over a year. Or so I thought. Then things went to hell. If you do, date for more than a couple of months before getting serious. That way you can find out how they've changed.

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AK_Sole@reddit

Story time, please! You can’t leave us hanging with that! How did things go to hell?

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mea1234567@reddit

My high-school girlfriend and I were together all of our high-school years. she was 15 years old I was 16 when we met .after high-school she went away for school . I got married had 2 children divorced after 10 years . Got in another relationship 8 years 1 more child . Then ran into my high-school girlfriend at age 40 . We have been back together now for 7 1/2 years .

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electronride@reddit

Ya I did that, she was a complete train wreck. Dodged a bullet for sure!

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tn_tacoma@reddit

Bad idea jeans.

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CntBlah@reddit

… but then I thought, when am I gunna make it back to Haiti

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Island_girl28@reddit

😂😂😂😂

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artful_todger_502@reddit

I would pay a brainologist, butcher, etc, to surgically, pin-point remove all my memories of high school. So no. Letting go of that life-destroying hell was one of the best things I ever did. Philly area, early to mid 70s ruined people.

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CntBlah@reddit

Fun fact - I don’t talk to a single person from high school. I haven’t for almost 40 years now. HS years eventually became bearable when I hung out with people from OTHER high schools.

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artful_todger_502@reddit

I agree. It took me decades later and other states to find out the high school experience could be a good one. The concept of a school not having a prison-like hierarchical structure was just a foreign concept.

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jojo19667@reddit

Didn't the Doobie Brothers have a hit song about this? What A Fool Believes?

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Ok-Show-4412@reddit

High school relationships, friendships and daily life was just a poorly structured training exercise for what’s to come. The good, the bad and the ugly… I don’t want to go back knowing what I know now. Hindsight is which level of Rose colored glasses we peered through.

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andra-moi-ennepe@reddit

The biggest eyeroll of my life was a high school ex contacting me to tell me "it was always you." And I could just not figure out which part of "always" me involved getting married and having 3 kids

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TomatilloBig@reddit

Ya and it was a hot damn mess. My “memory” of him romanticized everything. Life had happened and the person I thought he was had either changed or never was.

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Artemis1982_@reddit

I had an ex reach out to me on Facebook, and I accepted his friend request. I'd gotten past any hard feelings and didn't see any problem with being friends with him. We are both married, and I knew I didn't want anything more from him. Dude started flooding me with rambling messages reminiscing about the past and wanting to know details about my life and marriage. I finally had to tell him off and block him everywhere because he started messaging me on Instagram and even LinkedIn! Whatever you do, don't do what he did.

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Ok-Limit-9726@reddit

1. Don’t go to school reunions 2. Don’t get with old crush Your memory only views with rose tinted view, you find out they are 💩 again Fast

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PlatypusDependent271@reddit

Tried to reconnect but got no response

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Mooseguncle1@reddit

Happened to me too- I get wanting to try before you die but also- gotta move on when you’re both adults.

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Five_String_Serenade@reddit

> Now, yes shes married, no I dont want to be anything more than friends anyway 1) Don’t be messing with her life if she’s married. If she were single, this would be a whole other story. But she’s not. 2) If you don’t want to be more than friends, what is the point? Find friends who aren’t married. It’s much less complicated.

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16v_cordero@reddit

If you are single at the moment. And are really open to contact with her, and by contact I assume you found her facebook; just send her and IM and see what happens.

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Glass_Author7276@reddit

I met my soulmate in high school. We didn't end up marrying, differdnt life paths. 40 yrs later, we still know where each other is and the magic is still there, but we dtill aren't together. Maybe in the next life.

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livando1@reddit

Keep her in the bank bro

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redbear762@reddit

I did - twice - and it cost me my first marriage and damned near my second; sometimes you have to let go.

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paulmania1234@reddit

Mine got hooked on drugs ....sometimes memories are better left undisturbed

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mmfn0403@reddit

Do not do this, I beg you. Something similar happened to me. I had a guy reconnect with me 6 years ago after having known me only briefly in 1987, when I was 17 and he was 21. He initially wanted to apologise for treating me badly back then (we’d kissed at a party, I’d given him my number, he didn’t ring me, that was the extent of it), then he wanted to get to know me, etc etc etc. He was married. On his second (and much younger) wife, but unhappy. I was single and lonely. It went how you would imagine it went, and it ended poorly for me. I’m still not over it, 5 years later. The kicker is, the guy’s a psychiatrist, and should absolutely have known better. Take it that there’s a reason why you didn’t stay together back in the day. Wish her well from afar, but do not risk causing her distress because you couldn’t let go.

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NHhotmom@reddit

Do not send her a letter! No no no! That looks like you are attempting to reconnect. A letter is too formal! The best you can do is friend her thru facebook. If you don’t have a facebook account that’s even better. You’re finally joining facebook and requesting from lots of old acquaintances. For a married woman to connect with you on any level, a facebook friendship is going to be your only option. No letter! She will not take that well.

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OnlyKey5675@reddit

I had trouble following this. It's very frantic. I don't think you're thinking clearly. So she was not your girlfriend or she was? She's married now. And its been 40 years. I would leave it alone.

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SassholeSupreme1@reddit

Yes. Had one of those that we had bad timing. One of us would always be in a relationship. When we were both finally single our kids were tweens. We tried it again, but he was a bigger asshole that I remembered. Plus he didn’t have the cool car anymore, 1956 corvette convertible. Honestly, that’s how we met. I jumped in the car & that was that. My 16 year old brain thought that was a great basis for a relationship to a 27 year old man.

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Apsilon@reddit

Don’t kid yourself when you say; you don’t want anything more than friends. Of course you do. That’s why you’re reconnecting. You want the one that got away. Leave it alone. If she’s married, two things will happen: She’ll ignore you and continue with her life (which if she’s any sense, she will), or she’ll connect and you might open a can of worms. The worst case scenario is, you might not particularly like what you see after forty years. What are you, mid/late 50’s? If you’re set on this course, do some due diligence before doing anything or just leave the past where it is.

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Suspicious-Throat-25@reddit

I reconnected with my high school sweetheart/first love. We are both happily married and have kids with our spouses. Our friendship is good again but not romantic at all. I know her husband pretty well and our kids used to play with eachother until they got busy with their own things. We occasionally go out to dinner with or without our spouses. We also still get our kids together at least once a year even though my daughter hates going. If she is still active in her ward you may have a hard time connecting with her especially if you wish to do so alone. My extended family is very active in the LDS Church. So they have their opinions of our family not being LDS. And my friendships with women that aren't my wife. Or my wife's friendships with men that aren't me. We've been married for 25 years and they still give us the side eye. My advice is tread carefully, but YOLO. Have fun, be respectful.

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tyranny_made_easy@reddit

You can never go back in life only forward

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Western_Yoghurt3902@reddit

Someone once told me that life’s like driving a car, if we keep looking in the rear view mirror we smash - gotta keep looking forward

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oneeyedalienalright@reddit

My husband and I met in high school. Went our separate ways for 10 years. Reconnected a couple of times in between. But just couldn’t get past each other. Married for 20 years and our oldest is about to graduate HS. But I’m aware this is not how it usually goes.

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Grigori_the_Lemur@reddit

Always a bad move. Rom coms set people up for stupid expectations.

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ProfessionalCat7640@reddit

I agree completely. Life isn’t a rom com.

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Stompya@reddit

You gotta think this through with post-nut clarity my friend. This is sexual tension talking, and desperation. It’s not about her at all, which is the first of many red flags.

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humble_cyrus@reddit

Don't. Just don't. Don't make another bad life choice.

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ides_of_arch@reddit

My sister did. They had a long distance thing for about 3 years. She was in CA and he in Montana. About a year and a half ago they moved together to AZ. They seem pretty happy. There is some stress about finances cause they haven’t found jobs yet but overall they are both better off together.

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Masters_voice@reddit

People change with time. You arent the person you used to be, and neither is she. Be satisfied with the good memories.

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Wild_Bill1226@reddit

Would need a ouia board to reconnect. She passed away three weeks after our 25th anniversary.

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jbird32275@reddit

Yeah, we're married now.

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Sudden_Fix_1144@reddit

Yeah, nah! Very forgettable for me.

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PapaHades665@reddit

I did and it was a total disappointment.

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skatoulaki@reddit

She's married, let it go. She's probably been married a lot longer than she even knew you. The sooner you let her go, the sooner you can get on with your life and find the person you're meant to be with.

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jediHoo@reddit

I actually reconnected with my first big love from high school over Facebook. I can’t remember if I was married at the time or if it was before I got married. But he lived in Denmark and I’m in the US so it was definitely just a friendship thing. Fast forward to when my daughter was two years old, he messaged me to say he was going to be in town to see his grandma before she passed and wanted to know if I wanted to get together. I told my husband and he was fine with it. I met up with my ex and we went to dinner, talked about life, drove around town and revisited all the old places (our school, his dad’s house, my mom’s house, etc). It was strictly platonic and also gave me an opportunity to apologize to him for how I broke things off with him in high school. Four months later, he died of a brain aneurysm. I will forever be grateful to have had the opportunity to reconnect before he died.

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HLLAuntClaire@reddit

Dude get a new hobby and get the fuck off of fb

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Typical2sday@reddit

YWBTA. Uncle's first wife did this; she ran off with the guy, two marriages torched. Your reasons aren't pure. Learning you had ADHD and some childhood trauma doesn't solve this. It's selfish and a super awful idea. You harbor a hole in your life that you have been telling yourself "just re-establishing communication" with this woman will solve. NO IT WON'T. She has a family, a husband, and 40 years of life since then. She either gets creeped out instantly and you're sad, or she comes to realize that you've treated the idea of her as your white whale for the last 40 years (and she thinks that looney tunes and you're sure to be bad news), or you "hang around the hoop" and edge into a marriage. Some things you can't change, and this one is a real selfish plan. You're a grown man, learn that time moves in one direction and we have to accept the things we cannot change. Or at least learn to appreciate the situation from someone else's perspective.

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Aggravating-Alarm-16@reddit

She's married. So don't Your pov may not be hers. What I thought was amazing chemistry, was her being a hyper sexual person. ( No shame intended)

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Crafty-State-6154@reddit

If she’s married, no good outcome will result in you reaching out and “wanting to connect”. Sometimes the past needs to stay there.

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sardu1@reddit

She's married. Just move on. ✌️

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maddog2271@reddit

This is basically all that’s needed to say. I can say that if my wife suddenly had some dude from high school come prowling around I wouldn’t be happy, and vice versa. For me there is one woman from college years I harbor some feelings about…kind of a “what if” kind of feeling. Not regrets…just that feeling. Anyway I have purposely never even tried to learn what happened to her. I presume she is married. I am married. No good could come of it. So I just keep that little thing private.

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406hunter@reddit

Ran into her 6 .months before our 10 year reunion, got her number....started dating.....just celebrated 26th anniversary and have 2 amazing children

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Catnip_75@reddit

If she is married, please don’t. This would be very unfair to her and her husband. You need to move on.

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positivecynik@reddit

Think of all the life you've lived since high school, and how it has shaped you over the decades. Imagine now, the amount of life she has experienced in those same years. Whatever you're thinking, it doesn't exist the way you think it does in 2026. ✌️

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mrpink01@reddit

You are very stupid. Don't do it.

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glass-concrete-stone@reddit

I would have but he ended up being very gay.

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fadedtimes@reddit

Mine is as big as a house. No thanks

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BubbaChanel@reddit

Too painful to read after the first part. I did it without meaning to. In examining my life choices, I realized there were a couple of people I owed apologies to. He was the first one. I broke his heart badly 40 years ago. I truly wanted nothing from him, just to make amends and gtfo. But something ignited and I fell hard. It really could have gone somewhere, then circumstances came about that made it impossible. We were both single, nobody cheated or anything. Just….life catching up to us. It’s been about 3 years since we met up, and two years since we last spoke. No one knows how badly my heart is still broken. It would be so wuss for a hose-drinkin’, booze-swillin’ 80’s tough girl to admit it. But it is. Suffice it to say, I’m not making any more fucking amends! 😉

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kipy7@reddit

My first gf from hs, we kept in touch as friends after a year of dating that was long-distance and didn't go well. We reconnected a few years later in our 20s, we knew each other so well and thought let's give it another try. It got more serious but again, it didn't work out. Still keep in touch and send birthday or Christmas texts, it's always nice to keep those friends that knew you WAY back then. For OP, I would say stupid, crazy, and creepy. She's married, and that's okay if it's just "hey, funny thing that we're still living in the same city, huh? wouldn't mind catching up if you're up for it" but you sound WAY more invested. You need to come to terms with that part of the past and live in the present, imho.

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remoteworker9@reddit

She’s married? Leave her alone.

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Ok-Syllabub-5273@reddit

My aunt is in her 60s and after her third divorce reconnected with her high school love and they’re married now. I’m hoping there’s no fourth divorce for her and this is end game. Actually they started dating and the guys mom told my grandmother she didn’t want my aunt dating her son because he was on track to go to med school one day and didn’t want him to have any distractions. Well my aunt was valedictorian of her high school class, went to med school, and she’s an anesthesiologist. He happens to be one too.

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LilLebowskiAchiever@reddit

Similar story of a relative by marriage. His GF in HS was Jewish, he was Presbyterian. This was the early 1960s and both families encouraged them to break up after HS because of religious differences. Both married other people, had kids, and were both miserable with their spouses. She was widowed, he got divorced. They met at their 40th HS reunion, reconnected, and fell back in love! My aunties said they felt like he was the person that they used to know, before his perfectionist (ex-)wife henpecked his confidence to a low ebb. Fortunately the reunited HS couple had 20 happy, inseparable years as boyfriend-girlfriend. He died last year of cancer, but our family is so thrilled they found each other. They were soulmates and she made his final cancer battles much more bearable.

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4jules4je7@reddit

I chased a boy all through high school and college. We dated off and on. He left for grad school in Colorado and broke my heart. I married someone else for a few years and then got divorced. He looked me up a couple years after that. We had both grown up and he apologized for breaking my heart. We have a daughter and just celebrated our 25th this past year. If you want to try, you absolutely should. The best thing is you just never know where she’s at unless you try and it may be the happy ending you’re both waiting for. :)

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writergal75@reddit

WoW!!!!!🤩

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JudgeJuryEx78@reddit

There are a lot of people here saying it worked out for them. I believe them. But I also believe they are a small minority. The odds are you are not the same people you were then, and you're not the same people you saw in each other. I did it twice, and twice it was a terrible idea. I've seen it go wrong with so many of my friends that when I hear the phrase, "we reconnected," it triggers an eye roll.

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MisterSandKing@reddit

You’re not making very smart decisions for someone with a high IQ. Sorry, bud. Just move on, she’s married.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

I did say I am idiot

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gigantischemeteor@reddit

Apply your idiot skills to more practical areas like gluing your hand to a door, or licking a frozen flag pole, or walking off the last stair as if it was already the floor. Those are all far less damaging to both your own wellbeing and that of others.

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justbecoolguys@reddit

She’s married. Even if she were unhappily married (and that’s a real big if), she‘s had 40 years to contact you and she hasn’t—take the hint.

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CommunicationHappy20@reddit

Don’t do it.

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Onerustyrn@reddit

Nope. We wouldn’t get along now for political reasons.

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gigantischemeteor@reddit

I’m in that same boat. I carried a torch just out of school for a few years, but looking back it’s just as well that I stopped, because now if she’s not carrying one then she’s perfectly fine marching with those who do.

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pythongee@reddit

She's fucking married dude. And don't even get me started on the Mormon angle. Yea, you're an idiot.

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

I thought it was the \*man\* who could take multiple wives. (Not the woman taking multiple husbands.)

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pythongee@reddit

Do.the Google search thing but avoid the AI response.

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zemol42@reddit

Expect a follow-up post on r/TIFU soon.

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pythongee@reddit

Never been there. My cursory look tells me that can be fun reading. Thanks.

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Dogzillas_Mom@reddit

I’ve done it and it’s a stupid, stupid idea. You’d be better off going to therapy in putting that effort into living in the present rather than the past. Now. If you reconnect with something casual like a coffee date… mmmaaaaybe. Only if you’re sure you’ll never see each other again. It could turn out that you have nothing in common, no shared values, haven’t shared an experience in 40 years. The person you are musing over doesn’t exist. She grew up and moved on and has had a whole life since then that you know nothing about. Or it could turn out that you still make each other laugh or something. Do not take that as a sign it’s meant to be and you can reunite! It’s really better to not buildup any fantasies in your head and instead, seek help to learn to not focus on the fantasies.

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gigantischemeteor@reddit

Not even a that much. Nope nope nope.

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IllustratorWeird5008@reddit

I married “the one” from high school( If you are still thinking of the person, there’s only one way to open or close the door. They may feel the same.

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Jarhead-DevilDawg@reddit

I kind of did something similar, but not in high school. I met a girl while on leave from the Marine Corps, had very amazing intense sex for like a month (1993) Kind of didn't keep in contact with her, and then I got out and tried to reconnect with her but she had find back to get ex. Said your loss and flashed me her tits as left Spent a lot of time thinking about her after that. Fast forward to 2018, I managed to find her on Facebook somehow. She was divorced with 3 adult kids Ended up marrying her 2019. That lasted 6 months after moving in together. Turns out the crazy good sex was side effect of bipolar and hyper sexuality Still she is a great person, but it was just not what I hoped it would be sadly.

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

"Said your loss and flashed me her tits as left. Spent a lot of time thinking about her after that." Hilarious.

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Jarhead-DevilDawg@reddit

Well, they were quite nice at the time. She was like 26 at the time. Funny thing was, age and 3 kids had made them very different, somewhat bigger, and she actually asked if she should get implants to make them even bigger. I politely told her they were great as they were.

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NinjaMeow73@reddit

Mine contacted me 20 yrs later expecting I was the same exact person. It was weird -it was fine as a hey how are you-light/polite but he kept telling me his day in/out etc. I am married and tbh I just didn’t really care and if the shoe was on the other foot he would probably think the same. I cut him off

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IllustriousEnd2055@reddit

Sounds like he was the exact same person still.

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AgPatriotAg@reddit

NO. She's married. Yes this is weird. Leave her alone. There are what 4 BILLION other women on this planet. Don't be stupid, leave her and her life alone. Really women and men have a tough time being 100% "just friends". Stop this thinking now and go out and as we use to say "get a life". Churches, malls, and many other places have women that are not married that you can go meet. Please stop this now.

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gigantischemeteor@reddit

This. Right here. For the love of gob. You ain’t that you. She ain’t that her. Your intentions probably aren’t even what you’ve convinced yourself you think they are (no really), and regardless, she wouldn’t read you the same way you’d be thinking she’s reading your. Your ADHD may be being treated, but it’s lying it’s ass off to your dopamine receptors and they’re punching away at the ol’ Want & Need Speedbag like a chimp on amphetamines. WALK TF AWAY.

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SushiGirlRC@reddit

Thank you for saying what needed to be said!

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nadiadala@reddit

Weird THAT boy , you know, the one who shared all your firsts, the one who made you so happy an also the one who broke your heart? Well he just contacted me on Facebook an hour ago, 30 years after he was done with me

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Exciting_couple77@reddit

I married the one from high-school and had 2 kids. Turns out she had severe mental health issues and then developed severe health issues and passed away after 25 years together.....now I deal with 2 kids who have unfortunately inherited some terrible things..

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blackcain@reddit

That sucks, I'm sorry to hear that.

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eastbaypluviophile@reddit

I’m currently married to the guy I crushed on in high school. He was a popular jock and I was a shy insecure misfit so nothing ever happened back then, but fast forward 33 years and a couple of messages on the Meetup app and fireworks 🎇 🎆 🧨 He is still the love of my life and it will be ten years in June. Sometimes it’s meant to be.

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Round-Reaction8194@reddit

I did. It was a miserable experience. We weren't in love. We were only in love with the story of reconnecting after 20 years. Divorced less than 5 years later. My motto: Follow your heart, but lead with your shield. A/k/a protect yourself because no one else will.

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Honest-Database-5534@reddit

“The first cut is the deepest”

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gigantischemeteor@reddit

Cat Stevens spitting straight facts down the musical hallways of time.

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amelianaK@reddit

I fell in love with my high school sweetheart when I was 15 and he was 17. He joined the army, then asked me to marry him and go to Germany with him when I was only 17 1/2. This was pre-internet and it took 2 weeks for my letters to get there and his to get back. Phone calls cost $40 for 20 minutes. I said yes at first, then got cold feet on the moving to Germany part. He came home on leave, took me to prom, I didn’t marry him, and he broke up with me shortly thereafter. I was devastated. He was absolutely the one. Life went on. We continued to live far apart and out of touch. I tracked him down and called him 2 weeks before my wedding to someone else (to see if I should call it off.). He said “is my presence desired, or should I sit this one out?” I thought “you want to come to the wedding???” Seemed like he wasn’t into me anymore. I got married and it didn’t work out too well. Very on again off again situation with a mentally ill spouse. Found out through the grapevine he was getting married. Tracked down his number and called him the night before his wedding. Got no further than “Hello” when his bride to be walked in, magically knew who he was talking to, and ran out screaming. He hung up on me. Ok, he’s still not that into me. He got married. She turned out not to be a prize either. Years went by. Internet rolled around along with classmates.com. Stumbled on him there and sent an email “just to be friends”. He wrote back. After 2 weeks I found I was checking my email every 15 minutes (on my desktop in an upstairs office). Realized I was still in love and told him so; and that being friends wouldn’t work after all. He said “go in peace, and I’ll let you know if I ever get a new email address”. Yeah, he’s just not that into me. Years went by. Outgrew messy on again off again marriage. Asked for a divorce. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer same week. Put divorce on hold. Quit my job. Took care of mom until she died 7 weeks later. Grieved terribly. A few weeks later, thought I should check in with my job I quit and see if there were any items I could help them close out. Still had access to the email (was a small family business). Logged in, top of my inbox was an email from him that said “I have a new email address”. Considered ignoring it but figured I couldn’t feel much worse. Wrote him an email, got one back, and so on. 4 months in, he said “I love you too.” Next day, told him I was driving down to Florida and would be there in 2 days. He said, “Are you crazy?” I said, “Might be, but I’m coming anyway. You better figure it out.” Stood outside his door for 45 minutes trying to psych myself up to knock. Hadn’t seen him in 12 years at that point. I knocked, he answered. We’ve now been married 20 years, and still going strong. Best move I ever made.

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NaturalAd8452@reddit

A real When Harry Met Sally type story!

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_TooncesLookOut@reddit

Holy freaking sorta fairytale lol. What a wild ride that was to read! Congrats to you both!

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amelianaK@reddit

Thank you. We feel really lucky.

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IllustriousEnd2055@reddit

Amazing story!

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LVMom@reddit

Gross! She’s married and you’re just gonna toss a bomb like that at her? Best outcome, she thinks you’re a psycho and ignores you, worst outcome she remembers you and thinks you’re a stalker. You’re going to wind up with a restraining order against you if you pursue this line of action

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praetorian1979@reddit

OP has the post that launched 1000 restraining orders!

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Imjusttryin84@reddit

My girlfriend did- They got married, after 25 years apart. Once settled together he quit his temporary barista job and he never ever got a another one in 3 years.. She was looking in the garage for something one day and found her overly worn wedding shoes he was “Stepping out” in..she still has not recovered from that humiliation she felt for thinking he was the one .. Needless to say-DIVORCED..

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Temporary_Waltz7325@reddit

Isn't there a famous short poem about that? "For sale: Wedding shoes. Overly worn."

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cheyannepavan@reddit

I love this!

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QueenBBs@reddit

I married the one that would’ve been “the one that got away”. I did have a high school boyfriend on and off for about 3 years who I treated like absolute shit and he was too nice to call me out on it. He has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth but I’ve thought many times that I’d like to tell him I’m sorry for being such a shit.

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MsBigNutz@reddit

My husband I reconnected at a bar and that was it. Happily married for 20 years. Low key I think is key. Reach out and ask her if she’s up for coffee to reconnect and catch up.

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SushiGirlRC@reddit

She's a married Mormon.

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RareBrit@reddit

It's never the same water that flows under a bridge mate. Those days are long gone. However, if you're interested in dating her for who she is now not who she was then, that's a different thing.

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AgPatriotAg@reddit

Except... She's married. Most who respond this way didn't read the full post. He put it at the bottom. He needs to STAY AWAY.

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PuzzleheadedBand8246@reddit

This is advice that I am keeping for myself. Thank you, human!

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OriEri@reddit

Yes, after 36 years. Dated for 12-14 months and then crashed and burned. Heartbroken

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Altruistic_Fondant38@reddit

DO NOT DO IT!! You are reliving a fantasy and romanticizing a relationship. You can NEVER go back and you will spend your time wishing you hadn't opened that can of worms again!

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AgPatriotAg@reddit

She's married too. What the heck is the OP talking about... Wow.

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sfdsquid@reddit

I did, but a few decades ago... I had grown and changed a lot. He was the same as he used to be. It struck me how well he'd get along with my sister, so I set them up. Fun fact, we lost our virginity to each other when I was 15 and he was 17.

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Comprehensive_Copy75@reddit

I did and I regret it.

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VegasBornLori@reddit

I dated a boy while in high school, he was in college. I really liked him, but he transferred to a different university and life went on. 40 years later, I’m thinking, what happened to him. I went on FB, looked him up, profile pic was him, wife, 4 kids. Sent a message anyway saying “hi, remember me, you have a beautiful family”. Same night, he messaged me back saying, “Hi!, old picture, I’m divorced, wanna come up, I’ll buy you a plane ticket”? 7 years later we are still going strong! Message her, couldn’t hurt!

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BloodyEyeGames@reddit

This sounds like a movie plot.

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RevolutionJones@reddit

TLDR; The past belongs where it is. Try to learn from it and move on. Or don’t. Whatever.

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ZeroKharisma@reddit

Yep, we were together for 12 years and just broke up last year. It was really great. No regrets. Except the breaking up part, but sadly, people change and not always in ways that make us more compatible. I'm my situation, it was 100% worth it.

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Claude_Henry_Smoot_@reddit

I empathize with you. But... As somebody who did far too many desperate things at the time to win the attention/affection of my high school sweetheart, then kept a flame alive for her in secret for way too many years afterwards, then fucked up a great relationship with an amazing girl a few years after that when my life fell apart and I closed up, my advice is: this is a bad idea, don't do it. Keep close the memories of good people and good times. Learn whatever lessons you can from the bad stuff, but try not to carry it with you—it just leads to regret. You can't go back, no matter how much you want to. Even if you could, chances are there'd be nothing there for you now anyway. Keep moving forward. Turn the here and now into the best thing you can.

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Ta_mere6969@reddit

I dated 3 girls as an adult who I had either already dated in high school, or had huge crushes on. I'm happily married to one of them.

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Socalwarrior485@reddit

Were any of them Mormon?

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Ta_mere6969@reddit

My wife is ex-Mormon. The others didn't have any sort of religious identity.

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Socalwarrior485@reddit

You’re qualified. They’re a different breed.

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Ta_mere6969@reddit

Qualified?

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Socalwarrior485@reddit

To comment to OP. Most here are giving advice based on no experience with Mormons or exmormons

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Buddy-Lov@reddit

For your sake, burn the letter….high school was a whole other lifetime ago.

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RedditSkippy@reddit

I can’t even get through this post. If you’re honestly still hung up on someone from 1985…get therapy.

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Green-Dragon-14@reddit

That's the only time OP can remember being happy, in their carefree youth. Does need therapy.

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brongchong@reddit

She’s married. Leave her alone.

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NemoOfConsequence@reddit

Have you not matured at all since high school? I am horrified by this post.

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dodadoler@reddit

Meh she’s prob fat now

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galactica216@reddit

What does that matter?

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Key_Shallot_1050@reddit

Some people will always prefer fantasy to reality and you are one of those people. I can 100% guarantee if by some strange sequence of events you got together with her it would be nothing like what you picture and you would both be miserable.

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idkanymore2016@reddit

This is a terrible idea.

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idk012@reddit

Trying to pull a Bennifer.

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wakattawakaranai@reddit

Yeah, don't, if you don't have the slightest shred that you can both just talk about how dumb we all were then and how we're all glad it didn't go that way. I ran into my HS crush by accident, six or seven years after I last saw him and we had both hardcore gone separate ways, in 2000. I was so fucking glad that I hadn't pursued, and even now 25+ years later I'm like whew, bullets dodged, life well-lived, etc etc. I feel like that's what reunions were supposed to be about - to see that we made good choices even if we didn't end up where 17yo us thought we wanted - but my HS never had reunions so I've never been able to see where anyone is now, crushes or otherwise. I'd rather live with ancient memories than think something is still going to happen 35 years later.

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VishusVonBittertroll@reddit

No.

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roxinmyhead@reddit

Dude, you said she's married. Let it go already.

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sedona71717@reddit

I stopped at “now, yes she’s married.” So should you.

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LiliAtReddit@reddit

Yeah, there was a cute boy I dated at 16 that I finally found on FB. I started a chat, he said he is married and I said ‘how nice to see you’re doing well’. The end.

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FrostnJack@reddit

I was gonna think of this...

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Kimberlyjammet@reddit

She’s Mormon & married. There should be no question but to stay away.

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FrostnJack@reddit

I remember a little under a decade on, trying to look her up (platonically *not* romantically)—turns out a few years after I escaped the mountains she completely *disappeared!* No trace of her. I was concerned for her life (her husband right outta HS was a creepy feller). My mom was still in social services around there, she "looked" via "official sources" but there was nothing. Learned my lesson right there—do not go lookin' for people from the past. You prolly *don't* wanna know... I can't imagine pining for "the one"... yikes.

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tullybankhead@reddit

Yes. Been married 23 years. He reached out to me …….

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Awkward_Cellist6541@reddit

It can’t hurt to say Hi. I’m Facebook friends with my first high school love, and his wife. I’m also happily married. We were friends before we dated and friends after we dated. Reach out, say hello. And then let it go if she doesn’t reply.

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Funny-Temperature897@reddit

You sound awesome. I think it's both destiny and your duty to find Princess Buttercup and rescue her from her life of misery.

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Temporary_Waltz7325@reddit

40 years is a long time. In your imagination, you are writing a person's story for them. They think exctly what you make them think, they have exactly the sense of humor your imaginaion writes them to have. They have the political views exactly in line with yours. Of course oyu have FB now so can do a litle bit of reality check, but much of your 40 year apart you were in control of who she was (for you). Best to assume she is just someone that happens to have the same name as a girl you once knew. But to answe the question, I tried to just reach out, not to rekindle, but just because we had split up due to distance, and I found my self in her country - but that was only 15 years later, pre-facefook, and I was engaged, she was married, and I made it super clear that I just wanted to have coffee, and see how they are. Like i say pre-facebook so I could only send email to people with her name, and some of her family I knew email for from the web. She didn't reply, so I dropped it. The end. Years later I did see her on a mutual friends, FB list and eventually friended her. Now she sits in my FB friend list somwhere. The only time I would ever look it up is if someone reminds me, like this. Maybe I will go look to see how her (adult) children are growing.

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Kalelisagod@reddit

I had to go home to visit my mom for Thanksgiving and my high school girlfriend now happens to live down the street. She knows my mom and they are on speaking terms. When I show up I didn’t know any of that. I go for a walk after the Lions game and there she is in her front yard with her wife. Yep read the right. I thought my wife was going to pee herself she laughed so hard. The jokes had lessened but believe me the idea I turned her gay 30 years ago makes my wife endlessly happy

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

That's hilarious. You sound like you have a good sense of humor.

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Kalelisagod@reddit

I met my wife a year after highs school and we have been married almost 30 years. In that time you learn to laugh at things but no lie I knew right as she said hi to my wife and I that I was completely fucked. The grin my wife had wasn’t hard to read. We got around the corner to the elementary school to let the dog run and she looks me in the eye and asked “what did you do to her”. How the hell do you respond to that.

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h3dwig0wl1974@reddit

Leave people alone, Elliott. Creeper vibes here. Seek support before you hurt someone.

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PdxPhoenixActual@reddit

Things that end end for a reason. You both had reasons for it ending & not reconnecting sooner. Let it stay ended.

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PuzzleheadedBand8246@reddit

TL;DR: Not yet; go to therapy first. But here's something to consider: if you're so convinced you're going to "screw it up again", why would you insert yourself (and her pain of getting fucked over/ghosted/whatever) into her life? And why would you insert more feelings of frustration and sadness into your own? That's not safe for anyone on the receiving end and it's not love. Love doesn't say, "I'm still making choices that I know will cause her to hurt, but I'm gonna do it anyway". Love says, "I want to show up for this woman in a way that honors her AND me, so I'll go to therapy and do group work to learn how to be vulnerable again/for the first time after a really traumatic experience with my nuclear family and so I can learn that I'm blowing up my relationships with people and partners because that's easier than fixing myself". I really recommend that you immediately go buy a copy of On Grief and Grieving, by Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross and David Kessler because what's happening here is unresolved grief that has sat on your psyche for decades and has caused you immense pain. ✌️

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

Thank you

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PersonOfInterest85@reddit

Before I answer your original question, I need to know: what would you do with your time if you couldn't reconnect with her?

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TermusMcFlermus@reddit

Almost. She found me on Facebook and I was actually a little excited. We chatted a bit and then had one face time (I think that's what it's called) and she had face tattoos. I lost interest. I'm not against tattoos. Not even against face tattoos necessarily. These were bad though. Looked like she got them in prison. Sorry Crystal.

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caf4676@reddit

Bad face tattoos?! Classic Crystal. 🤷🏽‍♂️

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NightMgr@reddit

I did decades ago before 9/11. Very hot. Cheated on me every six weeks. She was starting her third divorce. I had just gotten out of a relationship so I didn’t want to meet cause I knew I’d rebound. She ghosted me and remarried again quickly after and checking in on her she on marriage 6. And has become a marriage counselor.

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sevenfourtime@reddit

I remember Woody Paige on *Around the Horn* used to quip: “Who knows more about marriage than I do? I’ve done it so many times,” or something like that.

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SignificantTransient@reddit

I left those people so far behind me, I'm sure all the girls I went to high school with are far below muster at this point.

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PuzzleheadedBand8246@reddit

https://preview.redd.it/5c655z1q9fdg1.jpeg?width=1320&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e18776ba85713a97a8130e2fda7ef15cab8a6d20

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shotsallover@reddit

If she’s married, stay away. Let that dream fade and move on with your life. Don’t be the noise in some else’s relationship. Accept that the ones that get away never come back. If she’s single/widowed/divorced, shoot your shot. You never know.

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Impressive-Cup6645@reddit

Best advice.

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Extra_Shirt5843@reddit

I didn't date in high school. I'll only suggest looking up the lyrics to "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. ;) (Hint...this person is probably far less perfect than you remember.)

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Ok_Initial_2063@reddit

I talked to several on FB and immediately blocked one who had contacted me. Another I talked to on the phone. It was good. Very cathartic and insightful about them, myself, and my childhood, which was surprising. He passed away a few years ago, so I am grateful for that conversation. I still smile and remember dancing with him as he sang along to the song. It is a sweet memory-one I treasure. OP, do it. Just have a conversation with her if she is willing. Dont go in with any expectations or big feelings from the past. Discover who she is now, what she has been up to. Revisit the past as it was, not as you wanted it to be.

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CrispityCraspits@reddit

Are you single? Is she? "I can't put her situation here because it isn't mine to share" is bullshit; you're not using her name. If you found her and know where she is you likely know if she's married or not. If she's married and you want to have a "deep conversation" with her to figure out "her side" you're just a guy who fucked up his own life and is going to try to fuck someone else's up to compensate.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

Honest, I like honest, and yeah I fucked up and made alot of poor life choices, trying to recover from all that, and dont want to fuck up anyone else. Not trying to compensate, I am where I am, maybe I should seek closure and make amends, rather than friendship or any future

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CoolDragon@reddit

She may not even remember you after all this time.

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ilikecats415@reddit

You don't need to make amends. After 30+ years, that is for you and an invitation you are giving yourself to contact her. Leave her alone.

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

Very true!! This happened to me. An ex contacted me, said they were going through the AA steps and wanted to make amends with me. I said "for what?" They told me, "That time I .... (blah blah blah)." It was something I could hardly remember and I am the type to hold a grudge! Anyway, turns out that this person's marriage was on the rocks. What a coincidence!

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CrispityCraspits@reddit

So, you're still dodging the basic question, which indicates that probably she is married and you know that. If you really, really think you "need closure," send her a letter or something. Anything more than that is continuing your history of dumb decisions, not changing it.

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Regular_or_BQ@reddit

My high school crush who was hot shit back then currently has two divorces, three kids and a brand new, fervent love for the Lordt. He got on fb live last year as he returned Walmart groceries he'd bought, totally outraged, because they had high fructose corn syrup. Me: ![gif](giphy|eIm624c8nnNbiG0V3g|downsized)

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Lynerd@reddit

![gif](giphy|ep78UZy5FVbfN6mhCU)

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Infinite-Current-826@reddit

I did. It was 6-8 years later. She was my first love… It wasn’t the same… hardly at all.

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Automatic-Nature6025@reddit

Man, if you are that hung up on her and she's married, NO.

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Felon73@reddit

Kind of. After my wife passed, my senior prom date reached out to me after some time. She wanted to send her condolences and to tell me that I have a friend to talk to if I needed it. I needed it after a little time because I had isolated myself. She contacted me again and we have been talking at least every other day. We never dated, just really great friends for many years (probably 8 at the time) and she asked me to prom so I said yes. She was one of the hottest girls in school. I always thought I was in the friend zone until she admitted to me that she had always been in love with me since we were 10. I am taking things very slow right now but it kind of feels right. We’ll see.

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rhythim313@reddit

Yep. I'm marrying her in September. 34 years after our first date.

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Overall_Lobster823@reddit

No. I've spent the last 40 plus years trying to avoid him. HE keeps trying. We dated at 16/17. I'm 60. I feel sorry for his wife.

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Weirdstew42@reddit

Threaten him that you will send his correspondence to you to his wife— i guarantee he will leave you alone! What a jerk

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Overall_Lobster823@reddit

I finally blocked him on all social media. And I ignore his emails to my WORK email.

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cranberries87@reddit

I had a college guy like that. I finally blocked him. I didn’t know about narcissism until my 30s, but I’m 100% sure he’s a narcissist.

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Trotter-x@reddit

I married her, so... yeah.

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11systems11@reddit

Yes, we're still friends on Facebook but she lives across the country. She has a great life with her 2nd husband (I wasn't her 1st. Husband at least, wink wink) and I'm thrilled to see she's happy. Haven't seen her in almost 40 years but we're still kind of the same teenagers at heart.

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everlasting_torment@reddit

Yep, you can look at my post history and see if it’s something you REALLY want to do. Come to find out, 18-year-old me was smart AF.

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RoninRobot@reddit

You can never go back home.

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Puzzleheaded-Arm5906@reddit

Why are you living in the past? That person, you, those moments, your feeling are decades old frozen in time. There are 8 billion people out there, live today, let the past go. You are in love with that moment, not the person, you have no idea what that person is now. Free yourself from the shackles of regret and move on.

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EricAntiHero1@reddit

Don’t. I’ve made the mistake of hooking up with many many of the “ones that got away” from high school. I graduated in 96. By 98 I’d hooked up with a few. By 2006 I was getting random messages from some other ladies on MySpace. By 2010 I got the real one that got away an had my heart stomped into a million tiny pieces of mincemeat. By 2016,I was getting random messages on FB from girls I didn’t even remember who wanted to go out. All divorced, with kids, past their prime and basic AF. The live laugh love wood cutouts types. So the answer is, don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

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Winter-eyed@reddit

She’s not the same girl she was just like you are not the same boy. You can see if the two people you are now are compatible but you need to let go of the expectations you have because they are ridiculous.

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Pinkbeans1@reddit

In 2007, I met my 1 year younger stepbrother’s best friend from kindergarten. He also lived 2 houses down from us. I moved away when I was 14ish and never saw him again. When I moved, he was still an ewww. We met again when we were 33/34, talked in passing once or twice. A friend gave him my #. We’ve been together since. We have 3 kids. It’s ridiculous. I love him so much. Our kids laugh when I tell them I thought he was gross and crazy. (I was 7 when we met. He was 6)!

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bullydog123@reddit

Not i bit. My ex wife was the last one I talked to from high-school and I kicked her to the curb 13 yrs ago.

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m149@reddit

Yes....started off great, then blew up in the same way it blew up when we were younger. Sucked....love her to pieces, but we just seem to be a combination of bliss and poison for each other.

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zsreport@reddit

Nope

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SignificantTear7529@reddit

I think you better just tell your therapist and find another fixation.. She's married. Leave her alone. I guess I'm wondering why you aren't connected on Social Media. I personally don't use it. But if you're both in there, start there.. I saw all this as someone that has an ex and it tears us both up, mostly him to spend any time together. We will check in after a major event which is somebody with both know dies. I could have a platonic relationship with him and my spouse doesn't care. But he can't get his feelings out of the way so he stays away. Idk if that helps. Don't put yourself through it.

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toTheNewLife@reddit

My 'one' from HS (mid 80's) had the audacity to try to get me to cheat on my wife in 2000. Sending me emails about hooking up and listening to music together. As IF! I decisively told her to go f* herself. Not decisively enough, she tried connecting again 4 years ago. My response: "Did you not get the f*ing message 25 years ago? What do you think changed? f* off?" So no connecting with the zero for me.

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justboozer@reddit

Was working nightclub security at age 30. High school crush walked in and recognized me. Said she wanted to bring me home. I went with her. I'm retrospect, I think 13 years made me over hype it. 🤷 Now 53 and married for almost 18 years to my last crush/best friend. Couldn't be happier. 🥰

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small_spider_liker@reddit

Oof, no. Enjoy your memories. You are both different people now. Nothing good will come of it, especially if you don’t live close enough to organically be friends. It will always be forced and weird. Unless you’re also reaching out to other people you went to high school with, you’re lying to yourself when you say you don’t want to be anything more than friends. You want her to tell you that she had a crush on you back in the day. You want her to have cosy conversations with you about old times. But you’ll be disrupting the current rhythm of her life with her husband and kids, and for what? I can’t stop you from reaching out, but I can tell you it’s a bad idea. You called her “the one”. You obviously still have strong feelings for her. But you’re not her “one”.

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Angry-Ermine@reddit

Not ‘the one’ but a really good friend. 22 yrs after graduation. Been together ever since. Got married last year. Turns out he was the one, just not in high school.

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RCA2CE@reddit

I don’t know why people are saying no If you’re single and she’s single, there’s nothing wrong with shooting your shot If someone isn’t single, don’t even

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

Probably not single, that's why.

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RCA2CE@reddit

Yeah he wrote an edit that she's married, but its all so very harmless Thats ridiculous - OP needs to find himself a single girl to pine over.

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Dangerous-Cry-2873@reddit

I looked him up on Facebook/ glad I dodged that bullet!

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Tasty_Context5263@reddit

If she is married, stay clear. Best to move forward, honestly.

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PromotionBetter2355@reddit

The only thing I want to say to my high school girlfriend is: "Thank you. I dodged a MAJOR bullet."

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Radiant_Pie_9000@reddit

I reached out to him after 23 years and we’ve been happily married for 13 years now. Sometimes you do get the fairy tale

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Grafixx01@reddit

Man I wish. It would be great to see what she is up to and how everything turned out for her. My highschool hasn’t even had any reunions that I know of and it’s been almost 30 years!

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Dagobahbodega@reddit

I say reach out. Good luck, please update.

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MsTgr@reddit

Nah! We grew up together as neighbors. Met when I was 7, & he was 11. Dated from when I was 15 until 18. Anyway, he and I remained good friends after we split, because while we were going different directions in life goals, we accepted those differences...just not together. He is happily married to his second wife, and I am happily married for the last 34y (will be 35 in April) to my first and last hubby. Not marrying again! As far as my HS BF, I am good friends with his first wife and friends with his second wife!

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Possible_Shoulder_50@reddit

As long as y’all are both single, I say go for it. In 1990 when I was 17 (right before my 18th bday) I met a 15yo girl we dated for a couple years. We were the couple that all our friends thought would be together forever. Eventually we did breakup and didn’t talk for a few years. I moved Atlanta and she moved to Jacksonville. We did become friends eventually. In 2002 I moved back to our hometown to go back to school . We both found ourselves single and she invited me to her high school reunion. We hooked up that night. We dated long distance (only 2hrs away) while I was in school. I transferred to Jax and I moved in. I proposed our 1st Xmas together. We married in 2004 and have been together ever since. So in conclusion, it worked out for me. I say take the chance.

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Wren572@reddit

High school college ex ghosted me in 1995. We reconnected through FB in like 2007, he came to visit me in 2008. We talked about getting back together. He had a kid with the woman he left me for and wanted more. Ummmm, no thank you. I’m firmly childfree. We still kept in touch and he visited again in 2014. I thought it might stick that time, but nope. At 42, way too old to even think about pregnancy and still childfree anyway. He ended up ghosting again anyway. Dodged a bullet there. Happy with my millennial bf now, since 2016. Do I still wonder what might have happened? Sure. But I’m not losing sleep over it.

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speed_of_chill@reddit

Kinda. She wasn’t “the one,” but I certainly had a huge crush on her back in the day. We reconnected on MySpace while I was deployed to Iraq and hooked up when I came home. Long story short: it was fun for the first couple of months, but quickly became apparent that it wasn’t meant to last.

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MaineMan1234@reddit

I just married her in December after we each divorced our long time spouses during Covid. We broke up in 1991 on good terms, remained friendly over the years. She called me on my 50th to wish me a happy birthday. She told me she was getting divorced. My marriage was disintegrating. I thought to myself “huh, interesting…” I eventually made a move, and after sufficient wooing and convincing that I was no longer the intellectually arrogant boy, we got together. It’s been fucking sheer bliss since then. Especially after a 15 year dead bedroom marriage with my ex.

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JinnyWinny@reddit

I reconnected with a guy from HS who wasn't the one or anything else to me when we were young. At best, we were semi-acquaintanced through friends (and I had a boyfriend all through high school). We became Facebook friends about eighteen years ago and will celebrate our sixteen year wedding anniversary this year. Go for it!

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peacefinder@reddit

The One from college and I had her over for Thanksgiving. Life is weird.

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skip-spacegrass@reddit

Married her, it's been really great for us. YMMV

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gameraturtle@reddit

I’m gay, and my “the one” was a straight hot hot guy. We have seen each other a couple of times over the past few years, and it was great. He’s still sexy as hell, and still mostly straight. But that tiny slight bit of curiosity made a great time for me and a nice high school fantasy a little bit of reality. We live hundreds of miles apart, so it gets to stay all special and doesn’t get spoiled by any real life issues.

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zeldasusername@reddit

I did actually but it was 20 years ago and he was as annoying as when he was17

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Ang1566@reddit

Yes he's in a band. I go to see them play once in awhile.

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Adorable_Bag_2611@reddit

Not from hs but early 20’s. We reconnected as friends. It has now gone beyond that and he is looking at moving back to our home state in fall. He has to deal with some crap with his psycho mother first. She seems to be suffering underbthe delusion that if he moves she is too. Some nonsense about wanting to be near “her” grandchild. Meaning MY child. Who is NOT his, not even possible. Who she has never met. And is an adult. But she acts like my kid is this little kid who is going to climb in her lap yelling “GRAMMY!!” or something.

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pizzahulk43@reddit

Disappointing. She wanted to have sex to mark it off a list basically. Lied to me about her boyfriend situation and I hate cheating and I became the other man. Played like we were building something. Knocked me off the list and then ghosted me. I’d say for me not worth it because ruined the love in my heart for the past.

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

Yes, something similar happened to me. The original memory got ruined by reconnecting.

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silvermanedwino@reddit

I did and it was just a friendly meet up? We had a nice dinner. Had a few laughs. He was handsome, successful and charming. It was fun. But that was it.

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Flaky_Wheel60B@reddit

Go for it. Contact her and see what happens

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largos7289@reddit

I dunno man, i feel overly qualified to answer this for you. So here goes. So to make a huge 80 chapter novel easier. Girl in HS i was nuts over, we date for like 2 1/2 yrs. She was my first everything. Convinced she was THE one. So we like did everything together, she even brough up marriage first. So i was all set to just marry this girl. Then she turns around stomps on my heart, and shows it to me, then says but i still want to be friends and like a moron i said sure. So i get to endure seeing her with other guys, pure unadulterated torture. We still talk to this day because i don't want to be a ahole that breaks it off. I mean yea i'm over her because she's married with 3 kids, i'm married with 3 kids, however for some reason it's still f\*\*k'n weird. She'll say shit like well if we got married and what do you think our kids would be like and she's married to another guy! Dude seriously don't it's not worth it. Your better off just sticking your junk in a vice till you pass out, wake up and do it again because your not going to get it the first time.

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

I would cut off all contact with this woman. She knows she's torturing you. Hell no to being friends with someone like that.

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Emergency_Bike6274@reddit

You are not over her, are you? May I strongly recommend that you step away from that "friend". Like, really really strongly! You are NOT an asshole if you end contact. What you shared about her sounds like she's someone that's using your friendship for her own ego. It's not fair to you at all.

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RogerMoore2011@reddit

Dude, you are the “in case of emergency, brake glass” guy for her. I take no pleasure in saying that. I feel for you.

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Listen-to-Mom@reddit

Can’t hurt to reach out. I know several couples who reconnected and ended up married.

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Agent7619@reddit

Sure did. For 48 hours we never left the hotel. Haven't talked since.

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CampClear@reddit

The guy who I THOUGHT was "The One", who ripped out my heart and stomped all over it and turned me into a crazy teenage stalker for 2 years,popped up on Facebook under People You May Know a while back and I thought,"What the hell was I thinking?!?" I think it would be kinda funny to run into him sometime, just so I can thank him for dumping me because if he hadn't, I wouldn't have met my amazing husband! Seriously I wish him well and as far as I can see, he's also happily married and has kids so it worked out for both of us.

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Big-Environment-6825@reddit

Did it anout 5 years ago. 30 years i regretted and thought what if. Apparently she'd done the same. We were both married when we met after all those years. We had a relationship for about 4 years. Which was funny cos we here only together for 3 years back in the day until she did the dirty on me. The spark was still there but she has a great life. Her husband pays for anything she wants. She was always materialistic and selfish and I had chosen to forget that about her and had wrongly put her on a pedestal. She doesnt love him but she has her wish. I saw a picture of her recently and she's gone to hell now. I'll keep the good memories and rue wasting so much time thinking about what if.

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Gut_Reactions@reddit

Well, I guess she had some good points that you didn't describe here. I'm guessing she was good-looking.

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Big-Environment-6825@reddit

Stunner in all departments. But she just got me ya know. One hell of a connection. Hey ho. Been divorced 8 years now. Never been happier.

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JamesPage1968@reddit

I married my “the one”. We just celebrated 40 years. And, as stated above plenty of times, people do change. Marriage ain’t no picnic. But, as long as both partners are good people, it ain’t so tough either.

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Much-Chef6275@reddit

Give it a try. As long as neither of you are in a serious relationship with anyone else, there is no reason not to.

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FleetAdmiralCrunch@reddit

I know two people who later reconnected with a previous girlfriend and a previous friend. It’s on your mind and you seem to be looking for endorsement. So here it is; give it a shot.

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TX-Pete@reddit

The very worst that could happen is you’d be exactly where you are now, but with closure. Go for it.

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Suspicious_Monk674@reddit

Closure is so powerful for the psyche!

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Overall-Avocado-7673@reddit

First, there is nothing wrong with being a Latter Day Saint or "Mormon". Don't be ashamed of that because of the hate on Reddit. Nothing wrong with reaching out to say hello and maybe catching up a bit if she's game. It gets creepy if you persist when she's clearly not into it. It's also creepy if she's married based on your intentions.

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ChrisinOB2@reddit

I wouldn't do it. You both have changed - a LOT. One or both of you may no longer like who the other has become, and it will wreck the great memories. Way too many downsides. I had this opportunity a while back, and this is where I landed. YMMV.

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Lady_Gator_2027@reddit

My “one” from hs, passed away.

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Suspicious_Monk674@reddit

I met up with my "what if" person from high school 20 or so years later. It was a fun month or two, but too many red flags started to pop up. I ended things. I had zero regrets about it, because now, I no longer wonder, I know.

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338wildcat@reddit

OP in the time you spent explaining your story to strangers, you could've sent her a message that said, "hey xyz happened and made me think of you. Would you want to meet for coffee or dinner some time?" We're Gen X, old enough to know that whatever happens, happens.

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crone_Andre3000@reddit

Why do you want to? What do you want to happen? What is the best that can come of it? What is the worst? Think long and hard about these questions before you do anything...I went to a reunion recently and reconnected with someone (just friends) and after getting to know who this person is now, I regretted it. We had stuff in common when we were kids. As adult, we would never ever be friends if not for our past.

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acreekofsoap@reddit

I was too ugly to have “the one” in high school. But to answer your question, somewhere between very and quite

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DeadlyDannyRay@reddit

I did. We had fun. Different places so no future but I have a good memory of it.

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cranberries87@reddit

Nothing wrong with sending a quick DM or even meeting for coffee. But keep your expectations low, low, low. I hit up somebody from my 20s that I regret not engaging. I found out he had only gotten married a few years ago. I should have reached out sooner.

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Kitchen-Zebra-4402@reddit

I never did but I know others who did. Some of them are married and still very much in love. Others not so much.

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witchbelladonna@reddit

So, my situation is slightly different. We never dated. We originally met in middle school and would harass each other (best way I can describe it). We didn't have any classes together once we got to HS. He thought I moved. I forgot he existed. (My dad died right after I started HS, so a lot changed for me then). We briefly saw each other senior year during lunch. He made a statement about thinking I moved, I asked him to sign a petition. Fast forward about 30 years later and he found me on FB and we became friends. We started dating officially one year after making contact again. Just had our 13 year anniversary.

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QueasyCaterpillar541@reddit

Don't do it.

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Jew-zilla@reddit

No. We always kind of stayed in touch, though. Years later, we both realize that in a different universe, it would have happened. When my relationship with another girl ended, I reached out to her but she had just gotten engaged. When her marriage ended, she reached out to me but I had a serious girlfriend. The timing never quite worked out. That being said, after everything is said and done, it would never have worked out between us. We both have our separate mental health struggles that we’ve been dealing with for over twenty years. For me, that mental health issue smoldered into my late 20s undiagnosed and just exploded. Bad timing turned out to be a good thing. We would have walked away with animosity, if at all. My other hs gf that I thought was the one? Different story. After we split up(three years after hs), we tried to be friends. And then I found out she had slept with two guys while we were together. Walked away from her and never looked back. I don’t hate her. That would take energy. I’m completely indifferent about her.

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phlpw@reddit

are you sure its not just limerance?

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phlpw@reddit

and if she never tried to reach out to you, might want to ask why that might be

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Beneficial_Run9511@reddit

She’s dead

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Alternative-Law4626@reddit

I did a lot of “connecting” with past people in my life in the last 5-7 years. I don’t regret any of it. It ultimately didn’t lead anywhere. I connected with a girlfriend from my senior year in HS. She’s a Dr. now, MD. No surprise she was top of our class. Had a bad car accident years ago and kind of an F’d up life in general. She’s making the best of it and I wish her nothing but the best. Went and saw old high school friends at a reunion in 2020, lol, yeah. Anyway. It’s weird seeing people at the beginning before they were anything and then after they are whatever they are going to be in life. Reconciling those two things is impossible. But hanging out and having some laughs remembering old times was fun. Bringing yesteryear into today, I would not try or recommend.

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jaspnlv@reddit

This is a dumb waste of time

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Nakatomiplaza27@reddit

I'm still friends with mine on FB and run into her at times. She is happily married with kids. I am happily divorced with kids. Even if she were single it would never work out. We are not the same people anymore. She will always be the one in my memories though.

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SeismicFrog@reddit

Got back together with my first GF in my 40’s during an aimless patch focused on alcohol. Turns out gravity knows no age…

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Firm_Accountant2219@reddit

I did. I’m happily married and so is she. I would periodically think about her and wonder “what if?” I spent a weekend in my home town about 15 years ago (when I was married for 10) and we caught up over the phone. It was really great. I then realized that I had been what-iffing in my head with a version of her that didn’t exist, and probably never existed. I’m happy with my fond memories of her and my wife by my side. Feel like I made all the right choices.

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tattooedlabmonkey@reddit

So, from a woman’s perspective: I would tread carefully here Story time: I found out about 10 years ago that my high school boyfriend was still pining for me. I found this out from my brother. His wife met someone from our hometown and they got talking “oh small world, my husband used to live there Blah blah blah”. Then my brother tells me over Christmas dinner that same year “OMG Dave still thinks of you!!” I give him the you’ve got to be kidding face and the he’s like , “HHAHAHA, what did you do to him?!” Imma like fuck if I know, last time I saw him I pretty much gave him the “fuck you” look, ignored him and moved on. (he spread some rumours about me that I found out about after graduating high school, like, not cool) Anyways… We haven’t seen each other since, idk, ‘93/‘94. I’m happily married and I have no interest at all in keeping in touch.

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Elusive_strength2000@reddit

Is she even available? Surely you’re no longer the same people at this point. You’re just lonely, looking for an “easy” connection.

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Full-Friendship-7581@reddit

I'm married to my highschool boyfriend. Got together again in 1993. Wouldn't change it for the world. I say it never hurts to try!

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Andovars_Ghost@reddit

Already did it after college, and it went horribly. I mean, the Hindenburg went down with less flames than we did. We were together for two years, but HS me was NOT thinking clearly.

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DorkyUsernameHere@reddit

The universe threw me together with my high school love at first sight guy in 2011. We had 5 great years, 2.5 yucky ones and then he died. But it was totally worth it.

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Many_Hamster_7220@reddit

The one is still the same. Their bad habits and personality is the same.

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No_Wear1121@reddit

Wasted Years - Iron Maiden!

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CalifGirlDreaming@reddit

We reconnected after 30 years being married to other people. We both admitted we should have talked back then but we were young stupid teenagers. We’re celebrating 8 years together next week!

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Swimming-Ride-8509@reddit

My friends and I loved Star Wars growing up. Huge fans. My friends watched the latest three, and seeing as them and the world pretty much had bad reviews, I never watched them. I still love Star Wars . Their opinion has changed.

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Razor_Paw@reddit

Do it. I did.

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Seachica@reddit

I know you don’t want to go into Mormon weeds, but that is very relevant. Is a well known phenomenon that Mormons will flirt to convert. There’s a good chance that she wouldn’t have married you back then, and if she is still Mormon, there’s an even greater chance that she won’t marry you without you being a priesthood holder. Instead of reaching out to her, I strongly suggest you join the exmormon subreddit and learn a bit more about what you went through.

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Objective-Minimum802@reddit

![gif](giphy|CpgNjk2E54p7W) I don't understand what's holding you back.

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MuttsandHuskies@reddit

I thought about my the one from high school up until about two years ago and I was like maybe if I messaged him blah blah blah. And then I realized he and I are very different people than we were in high school. There are things that I do that I am not willing to give up, that I don’t think he would approve of (nothing illegal). That right there killed it, just killed it dead. So consider that seriously consider that before you move forward with anything. You never know it might be the most amazing thing that ever happened in your life. But think about it.

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Potential_Lie_1177@reddit

Meeting with them just ruined any good memories I had. We were kids who each changed drastically, nothing in common except going to the same school.

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theShpydar@reddit

Sadly, my "the one" passed away from cancer (of course) a few years ago. Still messes me up when I think about it.😕

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beeedeee@reddit

I just met up with a buddy of mine from high school. He dated a girl all the way through HS and they had a nasty breakup around spring breakout senior year. They both went on and married other people and then 30 years later (holy shit I'm getting old) they reconnected and wound up getting married. They just finalized their divorce in November after 5 years. He said it was a huge mistake and he should've remembered the things he disliked about her the first time around.

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texicali74@reddit

I would caution against letting yourself become obsessed with recapturing the past. I’ve fallen into that trap myself, and it leads you nowhere. If you’re looking backward, you’re not looking forward.

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PolloMama@reddit

Not at all. You seem to be romanticizing the past instead of just living your life. Good luck.

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NegScenePts@reddit

She's not the same person she was in HS, and you should not do this for so many reasons. In HS we were CHILDREN. FFS let it fucking go.

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nowaynoway99@reddit

He and I have been good friends since we broke up right after we graduated. Pretty cool. Neither of us have had a successful relationship since then though.

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standingdesk@reddit

If I could warn her this was coming, I would

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TheUnbearableMan@reddit

Old flames are like tax records...keep them on file for 3 years than get rid of them. I see no good coming from this, but you do you and I wish you well. Hope it works if y'all want it to

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Theunpolitical@reddit

The issue with your post is that you seem to be romanticizing the past instead of staying present. Even back then, you went through a lot of hoops only to end up disappointed. That pattern matters. The way you describe the situation also suggests a lack of emotional and relational maturity. Healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise, require self-awareness, boundaries, and self-respect. There’s nothing wrong with seeing whether she’s available or interested, but asking or "begging to be friends" comes across as desperate rather than genuine. If there’s interest, it should develop naturally, not from pressure or nostalgia.

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CauliflowerSlight784@reddit

No, but for some strange reason I dream about them often.

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VinceP312@reddit

"Begging to be friends".. you know NOTHING about this person.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

I know I don´t, but I would expect her to be upset with me, if I hurt her back then

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ilikecats415@reddit

After all these years, she's not upset with you. She doesn't care. Honestly.

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pocketdare@reddit

Also, there's nothing women love more than begging. Not a great start to a bad plan, OP

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

True, 'no man won a girls heart by begging' as they say, hoping to find a better option

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Ok-Reflection-6207@reddit

Just play it cool, “so I’ve thought about you and wonder how life’s been for you, it’s been awhile!!..” (then just listen). Good luck!!

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VinceP312@reddit

You're lonely. Get a dog.

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Antmax@reddit

My father in law lost my mother in law and met an old childhood sweetheart in the supermarket. They got together, hit it off, moved to another state and were married within 5 years. Still happy today, almost 7 years later.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

That's the dream I dare not dream

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Antmax@reddit

With my Father in law. It was she who recognized him in the supermarket where they started chatting. They went out somewhere to eat and reminisce about old times and I guess a spark was lit. It can happen. But if you haven't even seen/talked to her yet, you have to be extremely careful. It's really easy to build something in your head, especially a obsession that spans decades. Unless she reciprocates with even casual interest, you're still daydreaming like the kid you were back then. When I was about 6, I had a best friend at first school. Moved to Egypt for 3.5 years. When we came back, we were barely on speaking terms. I had a handful of best mates growing up from my teens through late 20's. Been living in the USA since 1998. Went back to the UK for the first time in over a decade in 22 because my old man died. One of them didn't want to meet up, said it was so long ago blah, blah, the two I did meet up with, it was like all the years melted away and we were those teenagers again. Another school friend was back from Australia and held a school reunion, about 15 of us from my year turned up and we got on great. But I was blessed with an amazing childhood with wonderful people all around really. Even the bullies mostly picked on each other to establish their hierarchy and determined who was the hardest and didn't mess with others that much. If she's not married then it's worth trying to make a connection, but don't go in with high expectations because you will only be disappointed.

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USSSLostTexter@reddit

yeah, right after college I did. we never dated in HS, but that short summer after college was pretty intense. she broke up - it was long distance at that point. really devastated me. she ended up going back with an ex and eventually marrying him...and then 2 others. i married later too, just once. i do still think about her from time to time. hope she's well.

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Phobos1982@reddit

I’m friends on FB with my HS GFs and one of two from college.

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liquidpele@reddit

Based on this thread, just FB stalk them first and make sure they aren’t a homeless serial killer… then go for it!

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Double_Device_1626@reddit

Like others have said, you can’t go back. People don’t stay frozen in time. They grow, form opinions and learn and we all accumulate baggage. If it were me, I’d leave her be and enjoy the memories. She’s not the same person, nor are you.

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Trout-Slayer1992@reddit

Are you familiar with the saying “You can never go home”? Too much time has passed and it will never be what it was to you (or her) back then. Let it go. And may her memory be a blessing.

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vancouverisle@reddit

Yup. I did it. Terrible idea. It's one of those never meet your heroes scenarios. That person cannot live up to the idealized image you have formed of them.

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LeisurelyHyacinth246@reddit

It’s been 40 years. You can certainly try, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll feel any connection. You both have likely changed a lot over the decades. I’ve had friends from decades ago contact me on Facebook, and they aren’t like I remember, and likely I’m not like they remember either. We lived totally different lives and that old connection just wasn’t there anymore.

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zuziep@reddit

Reconnected 18 years ago. So happy. Just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary.

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MaximumJones@reddit

Nope. I married my hot goth wife after college and I sincerely have not thought about anyone else since (in any serious manner). Then again I married WAY out of my league so I'm not stupid. It's not like I am ever going to top that one.

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-Odi-Et-Amo-@reddit

I think you need therapy, not this woman back in your life. Sounds like you’re looking for validation from her when you should be focusing on how to make peace with your “bad choices” in life.

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MorwenSteelsheen@reddit

I’m thankful every day that things didn’t work out with that dope. God bless his wife; couldn’t be me. I mean he’s nice but he’s dumb. Got together with my husband at 19 and he’s a definite upgrade.

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No_Category8543@reddit

Did something very similar over 5yrs ago. Made the move and reached out thru text. Almost 40 yrs after we dated in HS , we are best friends again and married. Will spend the rest of our lives together happy. Best move I made in a long time. Just an impulse decision with no clue where she was or how things were going. Do with that what you will

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DrEyeBender@reddit

I don't think the answer is no in general, but it's no for you, specifically, because you don't sound like you understand how to approach the situation in a good way.

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ExtraAd7611@reddit

I do know one person who did this successfully. I believe he reached out to her some time (I don't know how much) after her husband had committed suicide, so that may have been a factor in her openness to a relationship. They would have been in their early to mid 60s at the time. They are now married and happily so, to the best of my knowledge. He is a former colleague and good friend of my wife, and I have also gotten to know him. So it could happen. But I know a lot more people who are single and never got together with their high school sweethearts, let alone crushes. Do you even know if she is single? And are you? If the answer to either of those is no, stop because that is the end of the story unless the answer to both becomes yes. At that point, it may be worth reaching out. Most single people wouldn't mind some companionship. But tread lightly and don't get weird about it. Pursue it if she is as interested as you are.

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grateful_john@reddit

It’s been 40 years? You don’t know her anymore nor does she know you. There’s a lot that has changed for both of you.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

True, but my core is still the same, just beatup w/ a layer of scars on it, and i´m sure she has changed too, I just hope she hasn't drifted too far from that girl I knew

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Alternative_Sort_404@reddit

‘Hope she hasn’t drifted too far’… in 40 years??? Yikes, dude. It would be entirely different if you just wanted to establish comms again as a friend, but that is clearly not what your intent is, so - this seems like a really bad idea.

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PeriwinkleWonder@reddit

She has drifted far though. It would be impossible not to have changed over the years. You are just going to be disappointed.

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TehFuriousOne@reddit

Yep. High school sweethearts who went our separate ways. Both got married and divorced. She wound up living in the same city so we started hanging out. Over the next few years, we became best friends until I asked her out on a date. Been together 5 years now, married for 2. No regrets

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motor1_is_stopping@reddit

As long as you expect nothing in return, no reason not to reach out. Just don't become creepy stalker dude.

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jivemasterjohn@reddit

Go for it. Nothing to lose

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LennardRamone@reddit

Just out of curiosity, I looked up my first girlfriend on Facebook a few years ago. One thing you shouldn’t forget is that there’s 30-40 years between the girl you left behind in high school and the person she is now. That is a LOT of time. For me the 35 years since represents 70% of my life. You are looking at your first real love, but this is now a middle aged woman who may have had children, got married/divorced/moved house numerous times/lived abroad etc etc. In my specific case, my first “true love” (aren’t we beautifully ignorant at age 15/16?😊) got married to a guy she met about a year after we broke up, they got married, got a house in the suburbs and 2 children. How do I know this? Well, her now-husband of nearly 30 years was in a band with a friend of mine that I’m still in contact with. I could never have gone with the whole suburbia/children/dog lifestyle. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the person you loved so much in high school may be a completely different person than the one you left behind.

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Sallydog24@reddit

Do it dude, I think about my HS sweetheart all the time...

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Flaky-Debate-833@reddit

You have an idealized vision of someone from 40 years ago. You're setting yourself up with failure.

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Mugwumps_has_spoken@reddit

reach out to it, at the very least you can connect with an old friend.

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Mammoth_Ad_483@reddit

Is she currently with someone/married? If so, this is a horrible idea.

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twstdbydsn@reddit

I'm still friends with "the one" from just after HS.

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AntiqueAstronaut6299@reddit

Did you hear that, OP? U/Twstdbydsn didn’t screw things up. How do like them beans? lol

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twstdbydsn@reddit

I mean we're both with other people and wee had a falling out for a handful of years after the break up. But we worked it out at some point and still talk regularly.

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TheEvilOfTwoLessers@reddit

If we were close personal friends, I’d try to talk you out of it.

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Signal_Glittering@reddit

Don’t ruin it

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umeboshiplumpaste@reddit

It's hard sometimes to free ourselves of ghosts long-past and the what-ifs that give us some hope about what could have been. Most of us have painful regrets of some kind and things we wish we could have done so differently. Especially as we age. But at the end of the day, ghosts are ghosts we need to grieve. The world won't end if you reach out. You can always shoot your connection shot. But be prepared for an unfavorable response or situation that will burst your fantasy bubble. FWIW, have had multiple people reach out from the past, and I hate it every time. It's always jarring, weird, and not something I want to invite into my space. I leave the past in the past. Maybe your person would love to connect. Maybe she would greatly prefer that you didn't. Godspeed. May you land softly in your decision, stranger.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

That's the kindest reply yet, thank you

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umeboshiplumpaste@reddit

You're welcome. Letting go and grieving possibilities is extremely painful. And it's ok to struggle with it. I have my own challenges with it, too! Just a different flavor. So I get it.

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Accx4@reddit

I married my hs sweetheart which didnt last but met my "one" at 23. We worked together. We would knock around all day every day. Hang out, talk for hours, like best friends to the outside but we had a crazy connection and often had challenging highly emotional conversations. I was separated and she was married yet there we were. It mattered in that we were never going to be together. We knew that. It was so bitter sweet. Painful but glorious! It was the purest most incredible experience for both of us yet it never moved forward. I carry that love and adoration to this day. Never changed. Never subsided. We talk still and getting a message just overflows my cup. She is still my "one" and she knows this but life has us forever on different paths. That is the joy and sorrow of it all at the same time.

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Accx4@reddit

Incidentally. This was 35 years ago! Pretty sure it will go with me to the grave.

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kalitarios@reddit

Nostalgia is best left in the past. Don’t do it. Been there, resented it

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Exact-Estate7622@reddit

There’s always a song for whatever you’re dealing with. https://youtu.be/3QsvZ8P1QNk?si=7s7YDlaffsCGSKhV

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SanJacInTheBox@reddit

Go for it, Brother! I stole my best friends date to the prom back in 85. We got married during my first enlistment, and despite two wars, numerous deployments and a host of ups and downs, we just celebrated our 37th Anniversary. *BUT* here is the best advice I can give - be her best friend before you try to make it romantic, and if she's still religious, steer clear. Without a solid relationship, everything is just worthless, and IMHO the whole religious part only gets worse with age.

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MyyWifeRocks@reddit

My neighbor remarried when he was 86. His wife passed a few years before that. He never forgot this one lady from his high school and he found her on Facebook. They started messaging and the rest is now history. She moved states to marry him.

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Suspicious-Price5810@reddit

I think you should reach out to her. Send her a FB friend request (if she has a FB) and see if she accepts it. Please don't beg. Just don't. Chicks don't dig that, it's creepy. Any positive feelings that she may still have for you will fly right out the window if you do that. You wanna play it cool. Something like, "hey, you came up in a conversation the other day and it made me wonder how you are, I just wanted to reach out and say "hi". Protect your heart and expect the worst, but you might be surprised.

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Alovingcynic@reddit

If I may, what you really can't stop thinking about is your own lost youth. You're having a midlife crisis, dude. Your post is all about you, about past regrets, and what 'the one' represented for you at one time, a long time ago. Falling for someone at that age you're caught up in memories of how you felt, and that sheer, intoxicating intensity that made you feel so alive. You want that feeling again before it's too late. 40 years have passed and she's still the same age in your mind, the same symbol of youthful obsession, but in reality she's a middle aged woman with 40 years of her own experiences, which have altered her, and you haven't even mentioned if she's married or not, or has children or not. She's her own person and very different form the girl you knew. And you're trying to get permission to reach out to her because you know it's probably not a grand idea. Not good for you. Who is chasing after you, dude? If she felt the same way, she would have already reached out to you. Move forward, and find your way to joy and intensity in your present. It's there, I promise you. You will not find it in this past.

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doubleohzerooo0@reddit

Ever hear the term 'don't meet your heroes'? Yeah, don't. The girl you knew is gone. Move on.

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AntiqueAstronaut6299@reddit

I agree. That girl isn’t here anymore. Mourn that time of your life being over, if you need to. But then it’s time to move on and create new memories. Highly recommend you do not reach out to this woman. Add her on Facebook if you really want. But do not initiate communication.

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doubleohzerooo0@reddit

I've kept in touch with a few girls I dated in High School through Facebook. I watched them morph into political opposites, religious fanatics, druggies, and soccer moms. We rarely talk, but still friends. Taken out of context, it would be too much, I think.

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CheckeredVansGenxGuy@reddit

There are no do-overs. The past should stay in the past.

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litefytr@reddit

Brn married to her for 5 years now never been happier

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

My hero, glad it went well for you!

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Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit

I had “the one” from my senior year of high school and first year of college. Dated those two years. Serious, started talking about marriage after college. Due to a variety of unfortunate circumstances, her dad got a job transfer across the country and she ended up transferring college out there too. We were 19 and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to be 2000 miles from her parents and they wanted her out there and provided the financial incentive since they were footing the college bill. And I was a little nervous about being her sole support system locally, while I was working and going to school. We tried the long distance thing but of course it didn’t work. I still regret maybe not trying harder to keep her. She could have stayed if she wanted. Or I could have gone with her but would have had to leave my school and job. But it was tough at 19 working part time and going to college and studying and not having many financial options. So she went. Never heard from her after that other than a couple letters after we broke up and a random email about ten years later. We exchanged emails from a ten year class reunion website and caught up briefly because neither one of us were able to attend due to work and travel. She had gotten married and had a little kid. I’d been married briefly and divorced and had a little kid. That’s about it. I haven’t seen her on social media at all, though I’m connected to many former classmates and it was a small class. I still think sometimes about what might have been, had circumstances been otherwise.

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Complex_Sun8138@reddit

There's an old saying: You can never go home again. That certainly applies in this case.

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Difficult-Low5891@reddit

I recently sent my high school boyfriend a message on FB to chat and be friends and HE BLOCKED ME. Bahahahaha!

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changed_later__@reddit

She'll be fat and have thee kids from two failed relationships. Go get her tiger.

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Harmania@reddit

Neither of you are the same people anymore, and dwelling on the past has no upside. Cherish the good memories and be who you are now.

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Natural_King2704@reddit

Yeah..uhm..people change. Neither of you are who you were back then. I personally wouldn't do it. I had a chance to reconnect with a woman who I was involved with 25yrs ago. I chose to keep moving forward with my life..not go back for a redo. You do you, tho

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Elliott2030@reddit

Don't beg ffs. She might be someone you wouldn't piss on if she were on fire these days. Just friend her on Facebook or Classmates or something and see how it goes.

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frenchieMcToast@reddit

Dude this happened to me 4 years ago and I’m telling you from experience this will not go the way you hope. Do not do it.

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Kitchen_Page9991@reddit

Never meet your heros.

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Thirty_Helens_Agree@reddit

You’re indulging in a fantasy about an idealized version of someone you knew a lifetime ago. This is a really bad idea.

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gothfru@reddit

I ended up marrying my "the one" (met at 21) after my first marriage failed. Just be aware that who they were and who they are now might be very different people.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

Yeah, I know i´m different, and aren´t sure she´d like who I am now

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Extra_Company_6508@reddit

I mean this with nothing but love: Don’t.

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jeffdatist@reddit (OP)

Thanks, plus first, I needed that

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SurviveStyleFivePlus@reddit

I did it 20 years ago. We were both single at the time, had crazy sex for a weekend, and haven't spoken since. No regrets, but your mileage may vary.

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