Do you have any advice for a funeral speech / eulogy?

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wabisabi111@reddit

I’m really sorry for your loss. That’s a heavy thing to carry, especially being the only one speaking, but it also says a lot about you and your relationship with her. Your plan sounds exactly right. 4–5 minutes, a mix of her character, one real story, and something meaningful to close. That’s more than enough. Don’t try to say everything, just say what’s true. A few things that might help on the day: * Print it out in large, clear text. When emotions hit, your brain can go blank. * Pause when you need to. Silence feels longer to you than it does to everyone else. * If you get overwhelmed, it’s okay. No one is judging you. People actually connect more when it’s real. * Pick one person in the room and speak to them, it makes it feel less like a crowd. Also, don’t aim for a “perfect” speech. This isn’t a performance. If you speak with sincerity, that’s what people will remember. If you want a bit of structure or help putting your thoughts into words, something like CraftSpeech can help organize things without taking away the personal side. It can make it easier when your head is full and emotions are heavy. You’re doing something important for your family. May Allah make it easy for you and grant your mother mercy.

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Haunting_Pin9419@reddit

I hope everything went ok for you. It was my mums funeral today and I was the only family to do a speech, I’m the oldest of 3 and probably the most confident or at least be able to mask in situations. I felt it my duty to my mum. I wrote out a 5 minute speech a week ago, Ive been reading it out loud for the last 2 days, rewording anything that didn’t flow off the tongue. I managed to shave it down to 4 minutes. What helped me massively was leaving a few page lines at each point I wanted a pause. I didn’t want to miss where comers were placed or get muddled up with words. So I’m kind of child proofed it for myself to make it easier. Today I felt determined, I stood up to read and I only looked up a couple of times as I knew if I saw family members crying that would set me off. My voice wobbled towards the end but I paused for a second then carried on. It felt like 30 seconds I was up there it went that fast. Everyone came up to me afterwards saying it was a lovely speech and I’ve done my mum proud which is giving me comfort. I’m sorry about your mum, I know how painful it is, I feel empty inside, emotionally numb and I’m wondering if I will ever be the same again.

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Oohoureli@reddit

Lots of good advice there, to which I'd only add - from experience of doing something very similar a couple of years ago - that you should type out the eulogy word for word in a big font and double spaced. It's much easier to keep or find your place when the page is uncluttered and the layout is clear. I went off script a couple of times when I spoke but was able to find where I needed to be relatively easily. Don't worry about your emotions - people will absolutely understand if you lose your composure for a while. I'm sure you will do her proud.

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-qqqwwweeerrrtttyyy-@reddit

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is one of life's hardest experiences. It's totally normal if emotion gets the better of you. Having a speech written down means someone can continue if you're unable. I spoke at my mum's funeral. I talked about her life, chronologically for the most part as not everyone knew her life story. I shared a couple of poignant memories that showed her kindness and soft and gentle nature. And then I listed a bunch of things that were her favourites from sports teams to snacks to music, film and animals because it was my hope whenever people encountered those in their lives, they'd stop for a moment knowing how much my mum loved them as well and they had that additional bond. Just remember to take as much time as you need. People are gracious and will be supportive of you and grateful for you taking this on with a grief filled heart. Sending you love, light & strength.

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sdace7@reddit

Master class on the perfect eulogy, google President Jimmy Carter’s eulogy by his congressman grandson.

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Novaportia@reddit

Don't. Ask a celebrant. This is a time for you to grieve, not worry about standing up in front of people or writing a eulogy (the celebrant can help with that). I'm so sorry for your loss :(

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bonjajr@reddit

Second this

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

I’m fairly set on speaking because the family believes someone from the family should, I just said yes. We have a reverend that will do the main bit. Thank you for your condolences though.

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buttersismantequilla@reddit

It’s enough that you remind people of her kindness and the type of mother, sister, daughter she was. Her love of animals or stars or whatever she loved, flowers, the sun. Trust me, with gaps in your eulogy 4 minutes will fly in. You’ll be surprised how much you remember when you start talking or writing it down.

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TheCounsellingGamer@reddit

I gave my dad's eulogy. He was also in his early 50s. I kept mine short because I knew I'd only be able to manage standing up there for a few minutes. I mostly just talked about how much I loved him. It's okay if you get upset. No one will judge you for crying, so don't feel like you have to hold it together.

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Dependent_One6034@reddit

I did part of the Eulogy for my father, I was 13 (The youngest brother). I had it all written out, The speech, a poem. I was ready, but I completely broke down when reading it. My brothers then stepped up, stood beside me and we got through it together. At this moment in time, I knew one of my brothers well, as we grew up together, My other 2 brothers I had met as a very young child once or twice. I often say, that by losing dad, it did bring the family closer. Those brothers I never really knew, are at all major family events nowadays and I'm at there's too. I lost a dad, but gained 2 great brothers. I'm mid 30s now, I think I would likely break down in exactly the same way. Practice is great - But you really can't prepare for standing infront of a crowd of emotional people who loved the departed. Just remember - Nobody there is judging you.

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ProfessorYaffle1@reddit

I'm sorry for your loss. Your idea seems good. It's OK to show emotion. You mught want to write out what you want to say, and have a back up person who can take over and read it out if you find you can't (you don't have to read it, you can use it as notes, but it lets some one else step in. Also, write it/ any notes in a big font, it's more difficult to read/ check your notes if you have tears in your eyes. I found it helpful to go through it, once, aloud, before the funeral, it helps with timing and whether there are any phrases you might stumble over, but may also help you to cope emotionally, it doesn't hit quite as hard the second time. My sister and I spoke at our Dad's funeral, it was hard, but i am glad we were able to do it.

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AltruisticFigure3662@reddit

I read an eulogy at my mums' funeral. I had to take my young Nephew up to the front with me,cos I was so nervous. So glad I did it thou.. So sorry for your loss 🕊️

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Wickedbitchoftheuk@reddit

It's ok to cry, pause, even just stop part way. You're all grieving. If you can't finish, just ask the minister to help ( he/she will probably offer anyway if he sees you're struggling) and they'll finish for you. I was at a funeral recently where the minister was a personal friend of the deceased. They cried and was visibly upset while giving the speech. No one judged.

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Squeak_Stormborn@reddit

Try to speak about her, not about who she was to you. Ie. 'She loved to cook!', not 'We loved her food.' Look at her life before you came along. Try to mention who she was at different ages. A good format is something like: 'She was born.... As a child she did this... As a teenager she was like this... She first worked here... She loved to do this... She got married to... She had these kids and these grandkids... Later in life she loved to... We will always remember this about her...' Try to include a funny anecdote or two. Sorry for your loss ❤️ I'm sure whatever you say will be great.

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

Makes sense, thank you very much

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Squeak_Stormborn@reddit

Good luck - but you'll do just fine. It doesn't need to be perfect, just real ❤️

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Loisgrand6@reddit

Sorry for your loss

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Every_Individual_25@reddit

I asked the priest do it as my mum was an avid churchgoer until her health deteriorated. She hadn’t been to church for over 15 years. I made a “remembrance booklet” for the service with old pics through her life, a brief synopsis of her history and an order of service-type thing for the music played. Guy playing the music for us behind the curtains got it all mixed up but hey they were still her favourites.

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Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit

I was at a memorial recently and the speeches were brilliant. Funny anecdotes, examples of their odd quirks or obsessions, sports teams. The family also dressed in the deceased clothes, which was cute. He old worn jackets and hats.

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citygirluk@reddit

Not quite the same but something that may help to hear - I did the eulogy for my grandmother when everyone else refused, I just thought someone who loved her should talk about her. Her own children had written this dreadful impersonal speech, so I had to rewrite it to make it more human and personal. Am so glad I did, and that I volunteered. Yes I got emotional while talking but that seemed to "invite" the audience to also get emotional too, so it didn't feel awkward, if anything it felt natural to be grief striken that my beloved grandparent had died - I felt like I was part of something and able to keep going. I am also very confident and comfortable public speaking at work but this was very different. So many of my family told me after they were pleased I'd done it. Good on you for stepping up. So sorry for your loss.

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LadyBAudacious@reddit

You've got this. Let your love and affection for your mum shine through. You're speaking for her and your siblings to family and friends. She would be so proud of you. Very best wishes to you at this devastating time.

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CauseBeginning1668@reddit

First off, my condolences on the loss of your mum. I’m sorry that your heart knows this pain and that the task has been delegated to you. I’ve only done one funeral speaking engagement and that was for my son. My husband and I went up together, almost winging it. We had written down points we wanted to say that were important to us. We went with heartfelt, funny stories, heartfelt and then his night night song. (Our son was 7mnths when he passed) However you choose to honour your mum with your words will be amazing. I know I often wish I had mentioned this or that, but I know that the way things were done, were all done with love and I’m sure it will be the same for you. ♥️

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r_keel_esq@reddit

I did the same for my Dad when he died suddenly in his fifties. While I wrote the final words, much of the content was crowd-sourced from my Mum, my siblings, and various Aunts and Uncles that were in the house over the preceding few days. I focussed on the connections he had to people in the room - for example, my parents' families had known each since childhood, and my Dad had been particularly close to two of my Mum's brothers at different points in his life. I was then able to take these connections to tell anecdotes that also highlighted other parts of my Dad's history (eg going on a 36hr round-trip to Spain for football reasons - covered some family and some footie ine one sentence) If you can, find a good line to end on. Could be a short poem, could be a quote from film or literature, or it could be a catch-phrase of your Mum's - I went with a line from a book that summed up the old-man well. There should be no pressure or requirement to do this, but knowing your planned-ending can make both writing and saying the whole thing much easier. Best of luck

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becomingShay@reddit

It’s okay for emotion to get the better of you, it’s your mum’s funeral. If you do start to feel overwhelmed, if your voice gives out or has a wobble, then let it. Take in a deep breath, take a long blink, then breathe it out. Then keep reading. If you need to do that more than once, it’s okay. The people at her funeral are there because they love and cared about her, and likely love and care about you too. It’s okay to be upset at your mums funeral. Bit of practical advice though. Take a pen or something small with you, use it to keep your place as you read. Sometimes when you pause it can be difficult to find where you left off, which can make you feel more flustered. If you have a pen or a small thing to move along the lines as you read. It’ll help reorient you easier. Finally, I’m sorry your mum has passed away. Sending lots of kindness your way.

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

Thank you very much, I’ll take your advice there. I can talk in front of boardrooms, crowds etc I’m just worried I have a wobble. Need to do it for her and the family though.

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becomingShay@reddit

As a fellow oldest child I get it. I know people saying you don’t have to do it mean well (and you don’t), but I also know why you feel like it’s the ‘right’ thing to do. Funerals are such a different thing to board rooms and crowds. As the eldest (child, grandchild, and great grandchild), and as someone who works in mental health and often gives speeches to large audiences, eulogies seem to just be assigned to me when a family member dies. It never gets ‘easy’ to do. Unfortunately you can’t change that bit. The only thing you can change is your expectations of yourself, and your talk. Give yourself permission to have and show emotion. Give yourself permission to take a pause if you need to. She’ll be proud of you whether your voice wobbles or not. She’ll be proud of you even if your voice croaks, or you get up there and can’t speak at all. Write your memories of her. The good things. The funny things. The things that drove you mad, but that you’ll miss now. And if the room feels too big, too full, or too intimidating, don’t talk to them, talk to her. Whatever happens on the day, you’ve got this. I promise. There’s no perfect way to get this ‘right’. You can’t get it ‘wrong’ either. You love her and that is endless. Whether you find the words to say it or not. So is her love for you. Be gentle on yourself. Grief is hard. Your kindness and gentleness is the antidote to that. ❤️

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Rachel94Rachel@reddit

Brilliant advice. Sorry for your loss OP.

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ratscabs@reddit

Sorry for your loss. I’ll go: 1. Unless you’re really confident (and sounds like you’re not), then write out the eulogy word-for-word rather than trying to wing it on the day. 2. Give a copy to a trusted friend or relative who’ll be at the funeral. Brief them to come and take over from you if you lose it while reading it. Highly unlikely you’ll need this, but having a backup plan will take the pressure off you. 3. Once you’ve prepared that eulogy, practice reading it out aloud, again and again and again. You’ll find that the more you do that, the impact on you of the actual words will be diminished, and you’ll be able to get through it without breaking down. Bonus points if this means you end up being able to give the eulogy without needing to read it out (ie keeping the printout in your pocket as backup). Good luck - you’ve got this.

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ElonDoneABellamy@reddit

>3. Once you’ve prepared that eulogy, practice reading it out aloud, again and again and again. You’ll find that the more you do that, the impact on you of the actual words will be diminished, and you’ll be able to get through it without breaking down. Bonus points if this means you end up being able to give the eulogy without needing to read it out (ie keeping the printout in your pocket as backup). I've done a lot of public speaking (including funerals) and I'd absolutely reiterate this. When I first started I used to 'practice' a lot but it would be me reading the text in my head. I wouldn't say the words out loud (I used to find it a bit mortifying) and then when the moment would come maybe you'd trip over something, or realise that the ums and ahs that sound like nothing in your head are really obvious and put you off your stride. 100% practice saying it out loud, in the way you're planning on delivering it.

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Enough-Ad3818@reddit

> Give a copy to a trusted friend or relative who’ll be at the funeral. Brief them to come and take over from you if you lose it while reading it. This is really good advice. My best friend died when I was 19, and a couple of his close friends and I decided we would split the eulogy so it wasn't all on one person. We all had a copy of eachother's parts as well as our own so we could tag in if needed. As it happened, all 3 of us were an absolute mess just a few lines into it, and we likely didn't get across the information we intended, but it showed how much we would miss him at least!

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

Thank you for this, good advice. I’m confident that I can write the words & speak, just worried about faltering. Thank you very much again

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Sionnach-78@reddit

Great advice here , good plan .

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Worried_Suit4820@reddit

Losing your mum is hard; I gave the eulogy at my mum's funeral and I think it was the hardest thing I had ever done. Like you are considering, I kept it fairly short but it nearly finished me off. What helped was giving a copy of what I wanted to say to both my husband and the celebrant, so I knew one of them would step in if necessary. I practiced beforehand too. I got through it, as will you, because it was just about the last thing I could do for her.

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muffinhuffinpuffin@reddit

Have you got a family friend who could read the words on your behalf? When we lost someone last year, my partners brother in law read it out the words from the family as he wasn't as close to the person who died and he is less emotional. Don't feel like you have to speak just because you are the only family member who doesn't not want to do it. You could also stand up there with a chosen person whilst they read it, or you could start reading it and if it gets too much, they can tap in. But also, just don't worry about crying. Its a funeral, no one is expecting you to stand up there and read without emotion if you do want to do it by yourself.

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gazchap@reddit

I read a prepared eulogy at my mother's funeral earlier in the year, and I had many of the same concerns -- particularly around one part of the speech (my brothers and I all contributed our own memories of her so that we all 'had a hand in it') which I was unsure was appropriate for the occasion. Take your time, don't worry if you stumble over your words or if you start to feel your emotion building up. It's your Mum's funeral, everyone there is going to be expecting you to be emotional because they probably are too. Break the speech up into manageable paragraphs/sentences so that you can have a pause between each one if you need it. If you think you can, try and avoid looking people in the eye while reading. I found the emotion started to build when I was looking my family (and some of the other attendees) in the eye, so I switched to looking just above their heads at the wall at the back. If appropriate, try and inject some humour into it. I'm sure some of the memories you're going to be talking about will have some funny elements, so try and embellish those a little. If you can make yourself laugh (even just inside) as well as the people listening, it'll help. Worst case scenario, if the emotion gets too much for you and you feel like you can't continue, ask the Reverend to finish the speech for you. No-one will bat an eyelid or think less of you for it, they'll be incredibly proud that you stood up there and got as far as you did, even if it's just one sentence in. Good luck!

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snapper1971@reddit

We had the minister read Dad's eulogy, then his best friend gave a reading. Took a lot of pressure off us all.

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Lvivalentine@reddit

I’m so sorry for your loss my love :( lost both my parents in November :/ I wrote things but then couldn’t say them, the celebrant read them out for me and it was fine xxx don’t beat yourself up about any of the things now, this is all just for you and yours to say goodbye for your own peace, there’s no fucking it up, it just is ❤️ do what you need to do for yourself ❤️I hope the year coming is kinder x

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IndicationOk1405@reddit

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having a printed copy and practicing it out loud will definitely help you feel more in control on the day. Everyone there will be on your side, and it's more than okay to pause and take a breath if you need to.

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Another_Random_Chap@reddit

I just did this 2 weeks ago. My sister and I basically sat down and went through all the significant points in her life, writing a little something about them all, including some humorous stories. We included stuff about her childhood, her work, how she met her husband, where they lived, things that happened during our childhood, her hobbies and interests, what she did after Dad died, the organisations she volunteered with etc. We kept it light, but didn't shy away from taking about her medical issues and eventual dementia, so that hopefully we included something that everyone will have recognised no matter when they knew her during her life. I got through it without blubbing! Don't be afraid to ask family for memories & anecdotes - my sister and I both learned things about her we didn't know, just by talking to each other! If you want to include a poem, there will normally be a space in the service for a reading, so I'd include the poem there (my sister did that). We kept the eulogy factual.

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

Thank you for the advice and I’m sorry for your loss. Appreciate it

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WomanUnravelled@reddit

I had to do a tribute (same thing but the celebrant read it out) for my stepmum recently. I put everything in list form that I wanted to say, then asked chat gpt to help me out It gave me the start I needed, then I made it my own. Sorry for your loss, and hope it all goes as well as can be

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Aromatic_Tourist4676@reddit

Include a big bit about her Life pre kids- ask family and friends what she was like and include their descriptions then you honour her own life and the people attending feel important if they were part of her life pre you! Try and share a moment your remember and it’s okay to make people laugh and remember the good times

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Glittering-Knee9595@reddit

Allow yourself to have sobbed a lot beforehand.

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whizzymamajuni@reddit

Talk to the vicar about it. He or she will have so much experience in funeral ministry and will likely be very happy to sit down with you and go over some ideas.

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First_Report6445@reddit

That sounds good, and about the right length. I made the eulogy amusing, and if I ever wondered if something was suitable, I thought would my mother like it? If the answer was yes, then I included it. I hope that is helpful.

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

That affirms what I was thinking - would mum like it? Thank you

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Dismal_Fox_22@reddit

Give a trusted friend a copy of your eulogy, or a copy to the person taking the service. That way they can step in if you struggle. Be prepared to struggle. It’s ok to do so. I’ve been to a lot of funerals, it’s normal. If you need to have someone stand with you do so. Even if they just stand next to your for strength. Give yourself grace. No one’s judging you, at all. Griefs is all consuming and we all respond differently. I lost my dad suddenly in his 50s. It was awful. I don’t remember much of the service or funeral at all now. My brother wrote the eulogy with input from me and by siblings. I decided not to be a pall bearer which probably raised some eyebrows, especially from the more traditional folk there but it wasn’t something I felt able to do and my siblings, uncles and cousins managed perfectly well without me. There will be some that judged me for this but I honestly couldn’t care less. We as a family did the best we could at the time. That’s all you can do. I hope it goes well for you and you are able to say what you want to say. Look up the “box and ball” analogy for grief. It gets more bearable.

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OptionalQuality789@reddit

I did my mum’s eulogy for her cremation. It was up there with one of the hardest things I had to do. Started a bit shakey but then I quickly realised I was speaking to a group of my loved ones and my speech was a memory of the best parts of her life so I found some momentum and did it. Don’t rush through it, take your time and nobody expects you to be a professional orator. If you can sneak a joke in that always helps because people are guaranteed to chuckle. It helps to lighten the mood. I’m immensely happy that I did it, it was a great way to say goodbye.

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MaidInWales@reddit

When I gave a eulogy the vicar asked for a copy of what I was going to say. I had written personally about my memories and didn't want to share it with anyone as I didn't want anyone demanding changes. He explained that he wanted to ensure that he wasn't duplicating anything that I planned to say but also it meant that if I broke down and couldn't continue then he could pick up where I left off and say what I couldn't. I did give him a copy and I could see him out of the corner of my eye reading along with me and it took some of the pressure off. Sorry for loss and good luck with the reading xx

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

Great idea, the reverend did offer this when we spoke and gave me her number so I’ll definitely do that. Thank you

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barriedalenick@reddit

I have done it more than once. It ain't easy. My only real advice is to write it all down, print out what you want to say, print it big and then read it out. You are likely to tear up so a nice big font really helps. Adlibbing is probably not going to work!

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

Good advice, not even something I thought about but I’ll print it large. Thank you

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PM_ME_BEEF_CURTAINS@reddit

I did a 3 minute roast of my late sister... Irnoic, because we then cremated her

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im_not_funny12@reddit

Write in big font well spaced out. When your eyes are swimming with tears, finding where you are will be really difficult. Brief the reverend or someone close to be ready to take over. You may well break down. That is OK. Do not look at people. You will cry more. Pick a point above everybody's head and stare at that. If it comes to it and you find you can't get up, that's ok. Read it later at her wake, or share it online. No way could I have done it at my mums or my dads. My husband and my brothers wife did it and they only just got through it. We all said there was no way we could say anything. I am so sorry for your loss. If I need to not cry, I think of something incredibly inappropriate. If I think of something happy I will cry anyway, so I always think of something that would make me laugh. That may or may not work for you or you may think you dont want to be thinking about that at your mums funeral. However you feel, however you react, it is always ok. Much love x

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jack_watson97@reddit

Have a safety net, someone who knows its their job to takeover if you are overcome with emotion Also dont feel like you can be emotional

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BackgroundLetter8883@reddit

I spoke at my Dad’s funeral. It was hard and I got upset. My partner came and stood next to me and held my hand. I don’t think anyone was judging me for that. I certainly wouldn’t judge someone for being upset at a funeral. Just focus on saying goodbye to your Mum and the rest will be ok. Take time on the day, if you need a break. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’ve got some good people around to support you through this difficult time. Ask for help if you need it, no-one gets through this life on their own.

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bakedNdelicious@reddit

I’ve done my dads, my grandmas and my brothers. I didn’t do my mums as I was too young (15) at the time. I wrote a eulogy for dad and grandma and a poem for my brothers. My only advice is to not be hard on yourself. You are allowed to show emotion. I tend to go into “business” mode at these moments. It helps to have someone to focus on. I wish you the best. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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External-Pen9079@reddit

I’m so sorry for your loss. Try not to worry about your voice breaking with emotion / needing to stop and breathe before continuing - it just shows the emotion of the experience and has never felt bad to me when I’ve seen that happen before. (That said, the suggestion about giving someone else a backup copy incase it gets too overwhelming is a really great idea and one that would help me manage my anxiety better)

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FelisCantabrigiensis@reddit

I'm sorry to hear that and I wish you strength in the next few days and weeks. Remember to take care of yourself as well as others. Remember it's OK to pause when speaking, particularly at such a time. If you are usually a "speak from brief notes" person, you may find it useful to write the text out completely on this occasion, giving you something to focus on and read out if your usual speaking style dries up. I'm sure everyone will appreciate you speaking and many will find it good to have someone say things about your mother's life and memory that they are also thinking but unable to say at the time. The reverend will be accustomed to funerals and people speaking at them, and can probably offer you some words of advice and support. He or she has done this many times and will help you. Do coordinate how the service will go and how they will indicate to you that you will rise to speak. Bring a handkerchief up with you in your pocket. There's no shame in using it, but it's awkward if you need one and don't have it.

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sbaldrick33@reddit

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had to do a eulogy two months ago, and honestly the best advice I can give is to write down whatever comes out and then try and hammer it into shape once it's down.

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Zealousideal-Home779@reddit

Honestly speak to the humanity of the person, be personal about what they meant to you and it’s ok to laugh if they made you laugh or were generally funny

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yourefunny@reddit

Sorry for your loss. Don't be ashamed if you cry or need to take some time. It's your Mum. My best mate struggled during his eulogy when his mum died and there were many people crying in the audience along with him including me. At my grandmothers funeral I spoke and just focused on the words on the page. Don't drink before we are Irish so drinking is a big part of funerals. At my wedding I had a few too many before my speech and struggled at points.

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jonpenryn@reddit

Went two two funeral right before xmas at both a relative had some words at both they were emotional. If there is one point in life you can be publicly emotional it is now. Do your best everyone is with you.

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Salt-Trade-5210@reddit

I did the eulogy for both of my parents. What helped was to practice it, particularly those really emotional parts. Read it out again and again and again until you know it almost by heart. Don't be afraid to cry or stop for a moment to do some deep, calming breaths and start again. If a part of it is too painful or upsetting to read, skip it. Nobody is judging your performance. They will be grateful and supportive that you've taken on this huge emotional task. Be kind to yourself. You're going to do them proud.

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SoggyWotsits@reddit

Nobody expects it to be perfect, and nobody expects you to hold it together. Speak from the heart and if you need to take a minute, or even can’t finish then it’s fine. You can always arrange with the vicar for him or her to take over. You probably won’t need it but it’ll take some pressure off knowing the backup is there. I haven’t had to do the speaking myself, but I’ve been to lots of funerals where people have done readings. Some managed to finish, some broke down in tears and had to walk away. Nobody thought any less of those who were overcome with emotion. I’m really sorry for your loss, I’m sure you’ll do her proud.

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EffDubya@reddit

This is good advice. Try not to worry about other people’s expectations; everyone there wants the best for you. If you struggle, it doesn’t matter at all. I would add: for other family members, seeing a loved one take on the responsibility of standing up and speaking - and maybe struggling with emotion - can enable them to ‘join in’ in a sense, and show some of their own sadness. This is partly why it is such a powerful thing to do. Wishing you good luck.

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Agnesperdita@reddit

Both my brother and I did this at both our parents’ funerals, four years apart. They weren’t perfect contributions, but they were heartfelt and made the funeral personal in a way that even the best-informed and most caring celebrant cannot. We thanked people for coming. We shared memories, including funny and affectionate ones that made people smile and even laugh, and spoke about what made our parents special. I read a poem for my dad, Dylan Thomas’s Do Not Go Gentle, because he had always said he wanted it and the words were very relevant. My nieces read a couple of my mum’s poems. Afterwards, people told us how much they appreciated the personal aspect, and said how “brave” we were. It didn’t feel like being brave at all; it was just the last thing we could do for our parents before we said our final goodbye, and it felt right and even easy, and lightened the burden of grief to do it. No disrespect at all to those who prefer to let the celebrant do it - I have heard beautiful eulogies spoken by celebrants. But for me, I will always be glad that I was able to do it for them.

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Misschilli_D@reddit

I am so sorry for your loss. I truly do not think anyone would judge you if you showed emotion. Also, I do not believe anyone would expect a family member to speak if it made them uncomfortable or they did not feel ready. If you feel like speaking, then speak, but do not feel pressured. When my mum passed away, I was going to speak, but when the time came, I just could not. The celebrant saw me shake my head and nobody else noticed that I had ‘bottled it’. No one else in the family spoke. I hope the funeral goes well and, if you decide to speak, it will be heartfelt. Everyone in the church will support you and not judge your ability to speak in public. What you are planning to say sounds so lovely, and I am sure many people will relate to the funny story and your mother’s kindness. You will do her proud no matter what you decide to do.

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CMDoet@reddit

I've written and read poems at relatives' funerals previously. It sounds like you want to do this and it can be helpful actually for closure. My advice is: keep it short and simple. Don't worry about making it perfect or unique or different. Write it down and have it with you to read from. Practice. Share it with others who'll be there beforehand and/or get their input. Give a copy to the person leading the service just in case. You may find writing about memories rather than direct emotion puts a slight emotional barrier up for you on the day. You may not. E.g. "we remember that time we did XYX" rather than "we miss you." (This is also the case for poems btw). Most of all, remember that the most important thing is that you and your family are able to grieve and say goodbye. What you do will facilitate that, regardless of whether you choke up on the day. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope your speech goes really well.

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williamshatnersbeast@reddit

I have the eulogy for my dad. I have three siblings. I knew I was likely the only one that could deliver it. I spoke about some of the funny memories which I had asked my siblings and mum to recount to me, how proud he was of his kids and grandkids, how he had helped many people beyond just his family and how proud we are of that. His love for my mum and hers in return. I only wobbled right at the end, took a few deep breaths and finished without becoming a blubbering wreck. It’s tough, but people expect you to have a bit of a battle to get through. What you have in mind sounds perfect. Don’t rush it, take pauses and deep breaths throughout and remember all the good stuff and the stuff that makes you smile as you deliver it. If you’re delivering a eulogy then I assume you had a good relationship as it takes guts and live to do it. Above all, celebrate their life, don’t make it all about mourning. Good luck, but you’ll be fine.

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mandlepot@reddit

I've been in the same situation and also a confident speaker. Emotion did get the better of me at points. I took a deep breath when that happened and continued. It's hard, but just taking your time is the best advice I could give. You'll be okay.

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FlamingosFortune@reddit

Being able to speak at her funeral is an honour. My father wanted a catholic mass so we went able to, but at the funeral tea after my siblings and I all said something , but I totally forgot what poem I wanted to read! But still was lovely.

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Successful-Deer3465@reddit

Just speak like you’re speaking to friends. It will go over in a blur but you’ll be grateful as will your family that you took the helm. Good luck and sorry for your loss.

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richandmore@reddit

Don't force it, let it flow

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lookhereisay@reddit

We had a celebrant at my grandparents joint funeral. My mum wrote the speech and the celebrant came and talked to her too. Speech lasted about 20 minutes (split into 3 sections with music/photos in between) and the celebrant did a great job. Having been to many funerals in churches and crematoriums (mum worked in probate) I’d say a vicar/celebrant does most of the talking with family members either doing a short poem and a thank you for coming if they speak at all.

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i_like_dannys_hair@reddit

I’m sorry for your loss. I didn’t speak at my dad’s funeral. I didn’t think I could get through it, but I regret not trying. I lost a great mate at the start of this year. His wife, son and daughter each spoke extremely movingly at the service. They told me after that they had the advice of practicing again and again and again and, in the end they were each able to get through it. There’s no right or wrong way to do this though. Your friends are on your side. Take care.

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cgknight1@reddit

No-one will care if emotion gets too much. Practice and practice, made the printed version large and change to match how you naturally speak.

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Not_That_Magical@reddit

Going up there is enough in itself. It’s going to be hard. Been to a fair few funerals in the last 4-5 years, plenty have broken down speaking at the pulpit. Whatever you write will be great, it’ll be from the heart. Don’t use AI to write it for you.

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Sionnach-78@reddit

Sorry to hear about your mother , I lost mine a few years ago so know what it’s like . Don’t feel bad if you can’t do it , I couldn’t imagine doing it , write it down and ask someone else to do it if you can’t do it . Look after yourself .

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EmergencyAthlete9687@reddit

Tell people what she was like

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Acrobatic_Extent_360@reddit

Sounds good. It is not really about a public speech where you are trying to inform or persuade. You just want to convey a feeling. It isn't an easy thing for you to do, but you are going to do it. I am sure she would be proud of you.

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Top_Opening_3625@reddit

I work with churches in and the past have helped with funerals. When vicars do a eulogy, they try to speak to different friends and family members to gather stories and information about the person who has passed away even if they were known well to them. Not saying you have to do this. But they gather stories and facts. Usually the eulogy has a funny or sweet or sweet story from childhood. They often run through their achievements, what they liked and important family members.

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ki5aca@reddit

I’m so sorry for your loss. My advice would be to have everything you want to say written out on paper, don’t rely on a phone as it’s easier to lose track or accidentally flick away from it. And if you need to stop, you can. It also means that if you are overcome (which is fine and understandable) you can hand the paper to someone (minister, friend) to finish it for you.

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Chilled-Fridge@reddit

Just going to the pulpit is enough, even if you're so overcome with emotion that nothing comes out. Whatever you do, you're doing it for your mother and that would make her proud. Sorry for your loss.

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treeseacar@reddit

Have you considered hiring a celebrant? Not just for weddings. We had one for the last funeral I organised. She interviewed the family to put together a short speech and some stories. One of the relatives read a short poem, which was more manageable than reading the entire speech.

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Twat_Features@reddit (OP)

We had a reverend at the house with our close family and told her about mum’s life, so she will do the main bit, but I still feel that someone from her family should speak and I would like to do it.

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Robojobo27@reddit

I’m very sorry for your loss, your small speech sounds lovely and i can assure you that no one expects you to 100% hold it together, i know you say you’re a great public speaker but no one is expecting miracles, be kind to yourself and i hope you and your family have a healthy and happier 2026.

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