Would you tell a good friend if their hygiene had slipped?

Posted by theslowrunningexpert@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 48 comments

I have a best mate who I’ve known for a decade. Always looked after himself- we knew eachother from the military so it was a given that we weren’t scruffs. He bought a house a while back and I recently stayed with him. I absolutely appreciated his hospitality, however I struggled to make drinks or food as most of the cups/mugs/cutlery etc. hadn’t been washed properly. I’ve never known him to be like this, and it’s his mrs that does the washing up (she’s part time so does more housework), but throughout the week I had to really look to find the ‘least dirty’ thing in the cupboards/drawers. Do I bring this up with him? I don’t want him to feel embarrassed, but I also don’t want other people noticing the same things and him becoming ‘that’ household that you don’t eat or drink at. If so, how? If it makes a difference, they handwash with one of those things you put the liquid into the handle then wash with. And when I say dirty I mean you can feel grime on things and sometimes leftover stains. I’ve thought about buying them some decent sponges then gift them to them whilst having a polite word, but I also can’t help but feel it comes across patronising. Cheers

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48 Comments

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Aggressive_Source_29@reddit

I think I’d be focussing on whether he’s doing okay? If he’s usually very hygienic it sounds as though his mental health has slipped. Maybe offer to give him a hand with sorting it out? It might be feeling like an insurmountable task.

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fire2burn@reddit

Calm down Frasier. You can't diagnose a dude with depression over the internet just because their missus ain't washing the forks properly.

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Bumble072@reddit

This absolutely can be an effect of depression.

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humpbackkwhale@reddit

Agreed. My hygiene (including washing up and household hygiene) slipped a lot when I was depressed

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Bumble072@reddit

Generally with mental health issues online, there is a lot of presumptions from people who dont know anything about it.

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No_Camp_7@reddit

Yeah it also seems to be literally one single area of housekeeping which doesn’t suggest depression at all. We all have something that we’re probably a bit lazy with that’s not acceptable to others, just less visible than this.

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Aggressive_Source_29@reddit

The thing is, you can go in and say “you’re a grotty prick, what’s your issue”, and potentially say something that tips him over the edge. Or just be a little sensitive and find out he’s lazy.

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AlGunner@reddit

Yeah but its reddit so id expect a diagnosis of depression caused by his wife being controlling and making him eat with dirty cutlery and crockery among other abuse. For reddit they were quite restrained. in reality hes probably just settled for that so he doesnt argue with the wife. Maybe the OP should just say how old fashioned it is to wash up by hand and say they should get a dishwasher.

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theslowrunningexpert@reddit (OP)

I’m not there anymore, and there is potential that he’s stressed. He is still in the army though, and generally functioning, and so I’m not too concerened about the potential of a deeper issue. In case I wasn’t clear, they were washing up- they just weren’t washing up to a ‘clean’ standard. Is that common with people struggling? I struggled a lot after leaving the army myself but I found I just wouldn’t do things at all rather than a half-job if that makes sense, of course everyone is different.

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humpbackkwhale@reddit

When i was depressed I only half did the job, or i did it really quickly (not properly/thoroughly enough) because of lack of motivation.

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Fraggle_ninja@reddit

Slipping standards with house and hygiene *can* but not always - be a sign of lower motivation and sliding mental health. If you know him well, and you are concerned then maybe just have a check in with him

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wildeaboutoscar@reddit

At least he will know it comes from a place of care and not judgement if you do it that way.

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PurpleOctopus6789@reddit

just so you know, things like depression are incredibly sneaky, one can be perfectly functioning tot he outside world but it will show up in the small things, such as hygiene issues, etc.

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Ok_Monitor_7897@reddit

I have to have conversations with young people about personal hygiene and I start with asking how they are, follow up with what I've noticed (there's a bit of an odour or whatever it is) and ask if they've noticed. Sometimes someone not looking after themselves is the first sign of starting to feel a bit low.

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Aggressive_Source_29@reddit

It sounds like it could be an issue. I’d just reach out gently instead of shoving sponges at them.

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wildeaboutoscar@reddit

This is what I would do. Not to diagnose him but to tell him I've noticed a change and not for the better, but in a way that isn't offensive. It does depend on your relationship with each other though, maybe the direct approach is better for some people.

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Isgortio@reddit

Try washing the dishes yourself with what they use, if it's crap then tell them you think they need a new sponge or a different washing up liquid because this one isn't doing anything anymore. Evaluate the sink area, is there enough space for washing and drying? Does it feel like a comfortable place to use? Clean everything for them and then clean their sink, some people don't realise how gross things are until someone else cleans it properly and they stop being used to the dirt. (This works for when I clean people's teeth at the dentist too!)

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Ruu2D2@reddit

It's sound to me like wife doing washing up not your friend Could she be overworked Could she have other shit to deal with Could their stuff be going on in their life taking up all time Could she just be bad at washing up. I suck at washing up with My dypraxia

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Percypocket@reddit

No? Unless you're living there or staying there regularly, why are you saying something other than to make them feel bad and offend them?

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Free_Ad7415@reddit

My best mate’s house is a shit hole, I tell him often. So it depends what type of relationship you have! But yeah I would say mate, I think you might need to swap washing detergents as I can’t find a single clean tea spoon! That way it’s the detergent’s fault, not his or his wife’s You may also find she’s stressed by doing more than her fair share at home, and she’s the one who has always washed up. And he’s taken over and just doesn’t do it properly.

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newbracelet@reddit

Last year my husband and I bought my parents a dishwasher because my mum was sick of doing all the washing up. My dad washed up every day (often multiple times a day), but then mum would get home and she'd have to rewash every dish. When I was very young mum was the stay at home parent, and she did all the housework, now dad is retired and mum works so he's doing all the housework and it turns out there's a lot of things he never learned to do.

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Free_Ad7415@reddit

Yep, my bf and I don’t live together but every time he does me a favour by doing the washing up, it all stinks and I have to redo it all anyway. Hence my wondering if she just cba after doing it for ages.

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Bumble072@reddit

*He works 12 hour days, she works 16 hours a week* There's your answer.

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theslowrunningexpert@reddit (OP)

What do you mean?

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Square-Wallaby-1264@reddit

That's a solid move! Sometimes it just takes a little nudge to help folks step up their cleaning game.

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Prolapse94@reddit

If it was me and a best mate, I'd probably bring it up in a jokey/sarcastic kind of way and hope maybe they realise then. Like if he gives you a cup with some food or something still on it, you could be like "oh is this bit free, or do I have to pay extra?" in a joke tone with a chuckle and hope it lands well with both. I would find it very awkward addressing this in a serious environment and it would probably feel more like an intervention than anything else 🤣🤣

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katie-kaboom@reddit

It's possible he and his wife have some internal stuff going on. My sister used to do the washing up badly as a kind of passive aggressive fuck-you to people asking her to do housework.

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theslowrunningexpert@reddit (OP)

I don’t think that’s likely. He works 12 hour days, she works 16 hours a week, and so she also takes full responsibility for the housework as that’s fair. And they’re both very happy with that- he can focus on work, she gets everything paid for.

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Marvel--Jesus@reddit

Yes. It either goes well or you lose the friendship. I'd take the chance.

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Coconutpieplates@reddit

This is more housekeeping than hygiene unless it's more than washing up that's not the only thing that's gone downhill. And it's not even your friend doing the housekeeping so it seems rude to insult an area that's not even his. I know someone who's washing up always needs redoing before I use anything, and it's his eyesight mainly responsible. If it's just washing up, just say: I'm just going to rewash this because there's some stuff on it, it's not a big deal. If there's other stuff going downhill I'd be asking if they are okay in themselves.

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ServerLost@reddit

The idea that you can't be ex military and a scruff is hilarious.

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theslowrunningexpert@reddit (OP)

It makes it a lot less likely. When you’re in the military you’re held to a standard and the blokes don’t let you slip, civvies don’t have that same accountability or culture.

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Limp-Boysenberry1583@reddit

Could this be an eyesight issue? I've noticed friend's houses get dirtier as they get older. Because they just don't see it.

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DameKumquat@reddit

Yes, my godmother had this problem - she couldn't see smears or faint grey on things, so assumed stuff was clean. I

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fire2burn@reddit

They possibly don't rinse properly. My partner is terrible for this, they will wash plates and cups but then not rinse properly with water afterwards, instead leaving them to air dry on the draining board. This leads to everything being coated in a weird greasy layer of grime and all your cups of tea taste faintly of washing up liquid. No amount of trying to train or educate them worked so I ripped one of the cupboards out and fitted a dishwasher. No more cups of tea tasting like washing up liquid.

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InternationalRich150@reddit

Ive no advice but my ex husband is like this. He doesn't so much wash things as put them into water and onto a drainer. Mugs ans glasses will go in after a greasy pan. Everything is either a sheen of grease or still has food stuck on. Having lived with him for 20 years,its a mix of lazy and careless. He literally doesn't see an issue. Drives me insane. The way your pals wash up is deeply upsetting to me haha. Ive one of those dish things but I fill my sink with hot water and wash. Im extremely anal though in that never a mug nor fork shall meet.

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Inkblot7001@reddit

Absolutely, yes. And I have in the past. They did not take it well, and I could have done it better, but it made a difference and we are still friends.

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PurpleOctopus6789@reddit

yes. My best friend struggles with depression and ADHD, if their hygiene slips, me being honest with them often helps them because they haven't even realised they smell or haven't washed their clothes in ages. But I do give them time to realise it on their own before I say anything. But it's appreciated and we've talked about it and they can always tell me to stop doing that. And obviously, I would tell my partner as he would tell me. We're both into sports so things can get pungent pretty quickly after training sessions but there's no need to tell the other person as we can't wait to jump into a shower after training sessions. Anyone else, it's tricky, I don't think I would. Maybe if it's my sister but other than that, I don't think I would comment on it.

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DynestraKittenface@reddit

I am a bad washer upperer. No bones about it. But I check things are clean before dishing up to friends. Point it out and I will feel enough shame to do a bit better next time

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BulkyAccident@reddit

Just drop it into conversation over time, it doesn't need to be a big thing. "These feel a bit grimy mate, is there something wrong with your \*put whatever you can think of in here\*?" "Oh looks like this still has some food on" "Feel that cup - does it feel a bit sticky? Weird" He might get the hint eventually.

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swapacoinforafish@reddit

Exactly this. Don't make a big deal of it. Hey mate this cups got a bit of something on it could you give it a quick wash for me?

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Uhurahoop@reddit

Arrgh it’s so tricky isn’t it? 🫣 this sort of situation is so delicate. I think it depends how close you are as mates. You do say a ‘best’ friend so personally, I’d try and tackle it if that’s the case. I’d be more inclined to send him a carefully worded text than speak to him about it face to face. He’s likely to feel a little embarrassed in person, texts are less confronting. I’d say you were a little concerned that they seem to be struggling to keep things clean and are they OK. Try to be tactful, but I’d value directness if I was on the receiving end, so don’t beat around the bush. Bear in mind that people do sometimes just have varying priorities with housework like this. Some people change the bedding every week without fail, others leave it a month or more etc etc. if it really IS a hygiene concern though and not just a tiny smear here and there, I think you ought to raise it. Of course it’s always possible that they don’t know HOW to wash up properly. People sometimes will KEEP using water that is too dirty instead of changing it for clean 🙄 our washing up for 3 people, after tea is at least 2 sinks worth of wash up water. Even with fairy liquid, we’d end up with greasy residue on stuff if I did all the tableware, cutlery and cooking pans in a single go.

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dbxp@reddit

Those handle scrubbers can be dodgy as you can't really apply pressure with them, fund for a light clean but not a good scrub

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Ecstatic_Ratio5997@reddit

I wouldn’t mention it. He’s doing you a favour letting you stay. I have a friend like this. Whenever I go round, there’s things unwashed and the bathroom is always grimy but I never mention it as he’s doing me a favour.

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richStoke@reddit

It’s only going to cause offense…

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iffyClyro@reddit

Yes. I’d tried to be discreet and respectful about it but I definitely would mention it. There was a guy on a team I worked out with horrible breath, one day one of the team just shouted at the top of their voice “do you eat pieces and shite for your breakfast or something” I thought that was a bit harsh on him.

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PsychologySpecific16@reddit

Well yeah make sure they are ok with no underlying issues but it depends what sort of relatiomship you have with your mate. If it was my mate i'd tell him to stop being a scrubber and does he want a hand in getting it started. I can't imagine that would work for everyone.

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