How to deal with family constantly trying to contact me?
Posted by Pinkcranberriess@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 19 comments
So I moved abroad 5 months ago. Life’s great and I don’t have many complaints, but I’m just getting kinda tired of keeping contact with my family. I try to send pictures or text every now and then to keep them updated about my life but that’s not enough! They expect me to call every day or every week when I really don’t have the energy for all that. I hardly ever talk on the phone in general, even with friends.
I understand they’re probably still grieving the loss of me not being around anymore and worry about my safety, but it’s kind of annoying now. I don’t want to not answer either because they threaten calling the cops or trying to contact the embassy to make a report when there’s no need to. Their excuse is that they want to “make sure no one’s imitating me” and “just want to hear my real voice” but I won’t lie, I just don’t want to talk to them. I’m just also fed up with them trying to know every detail about my life. I share what I want and it’s still not enough!! They want to know who I’m with, who I’m dating, what my friends look like, if they’re foreign or not, their sexuality, their family, etc and I really don’t care to tell them because they’ll just judge me or make snarky comments anyway and honestly I just feel like it’s none of their business. Why should I have to deal with this all the way on the other side of the world?!!
For context I’m not really close to anyone in my family. They believe I’m close to them but in my mind and from my past experiences, I’d like to think that I’m not. Maybe that’s why I prefer to be left alone I’m not sure.
Anyway, I really need advice. I don’t really know how to go about this without being too harsh
DoubleDepressosho-t@reddit
Omg I could’ve written this. The constant calling gives me more stress, seeing missed calls and texts gives me more stress. I put my cousin who I’m not even close to at all, we met on my last visit last year, on WhatsApp archive and it’s been great… I just now realized that in doing so he can’t call me either lol. Not my intention but it’s been nice.
allegrovecchio@reddit
Friend, this isn't an expat problem because it sounds like they'd harangue you just as much if you moved eight hours away in the same country. How old are you? Not that that matters. Did you go away to university? Were you living with these family members before you left the country. You need to be a bit firm about setting boundaries, and it's not their business to judge you or know what you're doing all week every week. It's been five months. You say you don't feel close to them. Just put your foot down.
Pinkcranberriess@reddit (OP)
I’m 21 and I moved out about 5 months ago. This is all new for me. Since I moved all the way to the other side of the world long term, I thought this would be considered an expat problem, which is why I made the post. I was just simply asking to see if anyone had gone through a similar experiences
starcase123@reddit
if they're threatening you for doing something that you do not want to do that is called abuse.
Pinkcranberriess@reddit (OP)
Right but what do I do?
tailorparki@reddit
How obvious could this be? It’s clear that you’re an avoidant and aren’t simply not communicating plainly to them. All of this could be avoided, if you simply told them that you don’t feel a need to communicate with them regularly. Heck, it would make sense and be considerate for all if you said you don’t feel like supporting or that you can participate in a close relationship with them in the future, moving forward. Avoidant personality types are so weird.
Pinkcranberriess@reddit (OP)
I didn’t ask to be berated in the comments. How do you know I haven’t tried communicating multiple times in the past???? If you weren’t going to offer sound advice then why bother commenting ? Clearly the answer wasn’t obvious to me if I made the post
starcase123@reddit
you need to get professional help to eventually go zero contact. it's not going to happen overnight but with enough healing from them it will eventually happen.
starcase123@reddit
also don't beat yourself up about it. moving abroad requires huge bravery and is the first step to setting a big boundary from an abusive family. a physical boundary that they cannot keep running over. you're already on the way to heal from them. i wish you the very best in your next chapter
cazzawazza1@reddit
I had this. The one thing that I found helped was creating a group chat with my siblings and parents on WhatsApp. I now send them a photo or a little sentence or some other minimal contact every other day and it mostly keeps them from wondering if I'm alive or not. I think they feel more connected even though a lot of it is superficial to me but it keeps everyone happy... Maybe something to try?
Pinkcranberriess@reddit (OP)
Yes this is what I’ve been doing but not every other day. I personally feel it’s a bit excessive for me
WaterChicken007@reddit
You need to set very clear boundaries. Don’t try to avoid hurting their feelings by not approaching the topic directly. Tell them that contacting the embassy or cops is 100% not acceptable. Tell them to back off and to accept that you have your own life. If they press on, tell them you will go no contact with them if they continue harassing you. Then follow through with that.
One thing is certain, pussyfooting around the topic won’t solve this. Be firm with your boundaries and follow through with the consequences if needed.
Creative_Listen_7777@reddit
Tell them you will talk to them once weekly or however often, and if they make threats then cut them off completely. Make sure you get their threats in writing.
_tinyhands_@reddit
Two key words in your post: They expect.
Not much you can do about their expectations. You do you, they'll survive.
ElkProfessional5571@reddit
Sounds opposite of my problem lol. No one in my family has ever given a two shits about me; can't get excited about my accomplishments/nor seem to care or ask questions ever.
sinnedslip@reddit
set boundaries, it sounds more like a child-mother ties which usually hard but necessary to cut
Pinkcranberriess@reddit (OP)
But how? 😭
sinnedslip@reddit
several ways:
- just say them the same you said it to us, most of the problems can be resolved by talking, depend on people and how sane they are, I don't know your family
- if talking not possible - ignoring, just not to take calls/not calling yourself, not replying imminently, give 1-2 days then reply saying was busy here and there with no details. Likely they will blame you and it won't be easy, but this is the price
typodsgn@reddit
As someone who navigated estrangement with my family, I can say there is no way to do that without setting strict boundaries. I can’t tell if it’s your case, but I actually realized how unhealthy my relationships with my family were only after being away from them. And while I tried to be polite and nice, it turned out we had never gone through a real separation, and they never truly respected me as an individual.
So in short: try to stay calm, set a clear boundary about how often you’ll call them, and pay attention to how you feel after these conversations so you can decide on your next steps.