Frustration of living abroad, feeling stuck here (in Denmark)
Posted by External-Coffee-2955@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 214 comments
Hi all,
I am incredibly frustrated. I have been living in Denmark for past 18 years. Have a Danish husband and kids (3y and 5y) I am from Slovakia.
I moved here 18 years ago as a restless student and young person who wanted to move abroad at all cost. Because living abroad in the West, just for its own sake was so COOL in my mind. I came as an Erasmus exchange student,
I chose Denmark not knowing anything about the country, mentality, landscape.
Life happened (student parties, full masters degree, completion of studies, meeting my ex husband, moving to the capital, getting job, buying an apartment, getting married, getting divorced,
Meeting my new husband, getting kids)
I love my husband, we have a nice life, but with arrival if kids, I slowly started to feel that I don’t like it here, I don’t belong, even though I understand and speak language to an extent,…
I miss human warmth, nature, which there is non of here. There is simply nothing to do, no sledging or skiing for kids, no snow anywhere nearby in winter,
No nature except for some man planted forests,
And again, I do not feel like I belong.
I have several slovak and foreign friends that I can talk to and feel like I belong with them…
Yet, every cell in my body screams I don’t want to live here…
It is with the arrival of the kids that I realized all this,
Before that it was just so easy to hop on a plane afly for a long weekend wherever.
It is no longer possible with kids it costs a fortune to fly anywhere, takes so long to drive anywhere, it is simply not worth it :-(
Now please if anyone feels similar or have experienced similar feelings, how should I deal with this and make piece with this?
Also worth noting.
Ny husband was open to the idea of moving. To try life in Slovakia.
He looked for a job, had 3 rounds of interviews only to be rejected in the end for lacking of german skills, otherwise he is a very skilled with many years of experience in his field…
Now he found a job here, where we are. I work here too, but I assume I could find work back home easily.
Also worth noting, this is not about coming back to my parents, I don’t miss them, I don’t need to live near them, they were a part of the reason I could not wait to leave back in my twenties. They are not the reason of this struggle…
NecessaryIncident99@reddit
As I am coming to the end of my master’s studies in Denmark, I have realized that, despite the opportunities, I never truly felt at home here. Living as a foreigner for so long gradually stripped away parts of who I once was.
For that reason, I am genuinely grateful to be returning to Croatia next year. It feels less like a move and more like a return to myself. :)
AdamRipponFan_01@reddit
Girlfriend of my son (Chemistry, German) did a full master at TU Kobenhavn. Absolutely happy with the life there, but she got a very good job offer from Max Plank Institute in Germany, so she relocated.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Oh god, I wish I did this 15 years ago when I finished my studies here..
Glockenspieler1@reddit
I know very little about Slovakia or Denmark, but I do know that having little kids can be extremely isolating and lonely. I felt like you do now in my home country! I would make the best of it, fly home with your kids every chance you get, and know that it will improve when they are older. Hey, and at least your husband tried. Sometimes we just have to accept things for a while.
kat_melanthe@reddit
Denmark is probably one of the places where you can feel the least lonely having small kids.
Prestigious_Act_4501@reddit
You must be Danish then?
kat_melanthe@reddit
I'm not, but I live in Denmark.
Pibagirlie@reddit
Girl I dont know what happens in denmark but i feel like this place absorbes your soul. I’m argentinian, came here almost a year ago (34F) after loosing my Job in argentina due to the current administración (☠️) to start a másters and try to get a better life. I know lots of expats here, People that been living here for little and for years and all ALL ALL feel the same: they NEVER feel at home here. No One likes actually to be here. They are here because of the money, kids, studies. But no one actually choose the country because they like the country. Snd its not because of the shitty weather or borning environment. Its because they make you feel you just dont belong. How people stare at you when they see you are foreign. And its never enaugh: not even having a nice Job, a danish husband, kids, no this is never enaugh. You will never belong here. Its a vibe that is floating in the Air…living in denmark make me a ghost of what i was. If it Wasnt for my friends here, i will be COOOKED.
Prestigious_Act_4501@reddit
Spot on !!
I'm Norwegian and have said similar for years. Imagine that , even if only from the next door neighbour.
Ife lived here since 2007. am at my wits end at times.
Pibagirlie@reddit
What difference you notice? Curious to know
Prestigious_Act_4501@reddit
Hi, do you mean in comparison to Norway? I can't compare to my native country, since I'm a native there, but I e.g. lived for some years in the UK when I was a young woman, and never felt this 'invisible wall' . People were a lot more chatty and natural, the notion I got at least. Of course much more people and variety of nationalities, so less focus on petty things, like 'not being of the tribe'.
I noticed one other comment below, apparently from a Norwegian lady who tells she lised ro live in DK for 15 years and seem to have enjoyed it. Mind you she does mention she has a husband, family, and apparently has lived on Bornholm.
You are lucky to have some expat friends at least, I guess you live in the Copenhagen area
I live on Fünen, and I know it can be a struggle.for internationals, dull, dead and boring.
I'm moving to the Copenhagen area soon.
My son is a grown up now (early 20-ies, Danish father), but, I don't wish to live too far from him/'leave him', just yet.
It's a lot harder as soon there's kids involved.
I chose to consider the father, despite us not being together anymore when my son was born.
I can't imagine how it's to be an Argentinan here, although I've met quite a few around Covid, since I had some Workaways around that time.
I understood from some of them, that they all hung out together in Copenhagen, and a lot got married around that time, for practical reasons too.
I've been to Argentina 🇦🇷 once when I was very young. Traveled alone to visit my Norwegian distant relatives who lives in BsAs (my grandmother was born there in 1908, by Norwegian immigrant parents, but due to father's illness and poverty, my grandmother and two of her brothers had to go to Noreay as children . My grandmother never returned. She was adopted at 9 years old by her childless aunt and uncle in Oslo).
GuideFuture3198@reddit
Feel same in Norway after being here for 20 years (since 16). But I don’t want to go to my home country Lithuania. I’d probably enjoy a life in South East Asia most, but I think I’d be happy in Spain as well.
proof_required@reddit
This is just not Denmark. Further central/northern Europe you go, stronger these feelings get. You can talk to immigrants in Germany, NL, Switzerland and they will share similar feelings.
hudibrastic@reddit
Yep, I definitely can confirm about NL
doepfersdungeon@reddit
Me too. Was there 3 years. Never thought returning to the UK would feel like a win. It does.
bruhbelacc@reddit
Do you think people in Italy or Turkey see immigrants as one of their own and don't stare? The only meaningful difference is that immigrants are a rarity (except for refugees), so people will approach you with more interest and curiosity. But this will also bring more negatives because of the zero exposure to immigrants.
proof_required@reddit
I don't know about Turkey or Italy since I have never lived there. I can use my Spanish experience and yeah my experience was much positive. As I keep saying, if I had enough money, I wouldn't have moved out of Spain. This isn't to say Spanish people become your best friend after 1st day. But they were much more appreciative of my effort in learning their language than what I have experienced in Germany.
bruhbelacc@reddit
The part about the language, I agree with. When people have never or hardly ever seen someone do it, they are very curious and supportive.
proof_required@reddit
Do you mean people trying to learn German is more common than Spanish? And Spanish people aren't used to see people learning Spanish? I would argue on the contrary. Spanish is actually much popular for learners.
Pibagirlie@reddit
At least I look italian and i understand a little bit and the people dont look and act like they are dead inside
bruhbelacc@reddit
Do they dance a happy dance instead?
New_Accident_62@reddit
At least Germany and Switzerland have actual nature and things to do. Denmark is incredibly boring on top of having awful weather and no nature.
MamaJody@reddit
I live in Switzerland and would definitely agree with this.
Manonemo@reddit
Ok, I can add USA notes for comparison lol: Environment is: dirt, crumbling infrastructure, dangerous parts of cities, homeless, psych patients free roaming outside, overprised everything, salary with what you cant pay rent. No healthcare availibility and access (whether real of financial). I can go on..
In USA they dont stare at you, they will politely smile mostly, but back in their head you are dirty immigrant who is disposable. Although this evolved from we expect you to clean our dirty dishes, cook our meal, fix our problems, do our dirty laundry we dont feel is appropriate for us to touch, into open lashing out: we expect you to provide those services but we americans at the same time hate you for stealing our jobs and ruining our economy you leaches.
You can become doctor, university professor, you are still low level immigrant. Job, husband, kids.. doesnt matter lol.
Back in time it was there but muzzled and chained, and even if one knew of it, one could ignore it, just didnt gave in it. Now its blasted at you everywhere, and its hard to ignore.
chinook97@reddit
Why do people (mainly Americans) feel the need to insert the US into conversations that aren't about the US at all?
Manonemo@reddit
Oh, what was this conversation about? I thought it was about regret going to another country and strugling to see way ahead. Did I miss something?
I am sorry I am an immigrant (no, I dont count mysekf an American, same as OP diesnt see herself Danish) who seen same struggle, although not in Denmark, but I happened to immigrate elsewhere.. samilar process though.
What is it with people to constantly try yo meddle and critisize anything, even if they miss the point???
I could have been quiet, dont share I seen people goung through and offer possibility, sure. And so you could have been quiet and not expose yourself fir what you are :x
Late-Mountain3406@reddit
My backpacker cousin met the 3 kids from Denmark in the US. They came to our family from 🇭🇳 BBQ. When they arrived everybody hug and kisses them as “nice to meet you”. Right after that they were looking at each other. We had to ask what’s going on. They said, you guys are too friendly and nice, we r not use to this. They say even their parents don’t do that. We couldn’t believe that. My cousin went to Denmark to visit them, he said when he came back that it was true. 🤭
unosbastardes@reddit
Is this your first move? If yes, this feeling everyone gets. Doesnt make a difference if it is Denmark, Germany, Norway, Italy. Its a internal problem.
New_Accident_62@reddit
This is so true, and I'm speaking as a native Dane living here currently. I can't wait to get out of Denmark, I hate this country so much.
Pibagirlie@reddit
Why???? Why you hate it? If an actual Dane hate this country what is left for me????
New_Accident_62@reddit
Because the weather is awful, there is no nature, it is so boring here, xenophobia is common, and I've personally had awful experiences with the healthcare system to such a degree that I don't want to support it in any way. Our policitians are also lazy, unambitious and greedy and are slowly eroding everything. And I don't feel like I really belong here, I've wanted to leave Denmark since I was 12.
Pibagirlie@reddit
Are you “”ethnically Dane””?
New_Accident_62@reddit
Yes, my family has lived for generations in the same shitty city in Denmark.
Pibagirlie@reddit
Hello! Ive been living in denmark for one year and feel exactly like this and Been just one fucking year. Can I speak to you in private?
Prestigious_Act_4501@reddit
Dear, . I'd advise you to get out of Denmark ASAP before it sucks you up.....
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Yes of course
Manonemo@reddit
Can I join your little club lol? I am currently fed up of USA
Prestigious_Act_4501@reddit
Hi,
Norwegian here. Lived in Denmark since 2007 My son,.is half Danish, and now.early 20-ies. I have no friends .Np social life as in real life. Denmark is perfect if you're Danish, if you're not, Shakespeare already said it.
ResponseSuitable1413@reddit
Hi I feel exactly the same way. Loved Denmark when I was young . Now married to a Dane with two small children and I am terribly unhappy. I miss my family and my home and food and warmth and support. Just today I was thinking about how I was all alone ( with husband) when I gave birth and how different it would’ve been if I was in my country (Pakistan). How my parents and family and friends would’ve visited me in the hospital , doted on my baby, fed me warm food , given hugs and affection. Instead I was in a shitty hospital room being served cold rye bread and totally overwhelmed with a new baby. My experience of motherhood is so different from my family and friends. Back home( because we are very privileged ) there is so much help - moms and aunts and grannies and Nannies - joy and laughter and food. Instead I have here nothing but isolation and coldness. I recognize intellectually the benefits of being here - healthcare , safety clean air etc etc . But my soul is withering away - there is nothing to nourish it. And the worst part is I am increasingly resenting my husband because I feel if it weren’t for him and his insistence on being here - my life would be very different. He will not move - and I know this is the best place to raise my children. So I will stay but I do not know how I will find happiness and warmth here …
sercaj@reddit
I was recently watching a psychologist talk about something that most women have know idea that happens I believe when they go through their mid to late 30s in to their 40s.
She was essentially saying that they have such a big physiological change that they feel like a totally different person to who they used to be. She said that this is why there is such a large divorce rate at this age in women.
She went on to say while it seems like it’s the rest of the world that has changed in fact is them and need to work though ways to come to terms with that.
I found it very interesting.
ResponseSuitable1413@reddit
Can you share this talk ? Would love to see
Proof-Phase-5541@reddit
She literally said it was with the arrival of her children that she felt it changed her perspective on Denmark. Children will do that to people. It's not some women's hormones thing.
ChaosCCUM@reddit
Move to Norway. It has snow, mountain, sea, and very nice people.
GuideFuture3198@reddit
Nah, it’s the same culture. Won’t help.
Tsuki_Rabbit@reddit
You imagine that Slovakia is some kind of paradise where you would belong and be happy, but I'm afraid it's not true. You've been away for 18 years, sorry to say it but most likely you are not going to belong there either. Returning to the original country is not easy at all for most people. Have you thought about talking to a psychologist? Perhaps a professional could help you find peace where you are...
One-Impress-8138@reddit
Im born here in Denmark and still live here and what she is saying is true. It’s very hard to live here. People are so hard to befriend, there are this cold reservedness
atacama59@reddit
We are many in the same boat , between two countries and two cultures and feeling foreigner in both worlds .
CleverCrow_4178@reddit
This is exactly the thing. We are the people between worlds.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
I get it and acknowledge this. My country Slovakia is falling apart politically wise, economically wise, democracy wise. On the contrary Denmark is a paradise. The country works, the system works, it all goes digital, No need to wait long waiting times, go with forms from an public office to another, no issues except for just canceled trains. All works. And in Slovakia it does not indeed.
I however still have some very close friends also with kids to whom I talk regularly, I know I am one of them, I am not Danish and will never be, I am slovak, and I know now, I took a wrong decision 20 years ago. And I think, well we only have one life, i still have many years, do I need to live my life at a place I feel unhappy at…
It would be totally horrible to start life in that place. I know, I don’t imagine paradise by no means.
solvem_probler8@reddit
And how about your husband then? Do you think will be able to integrate and feel like home there? Does moving back will guarantee a better future for your kids?
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Well, I know things are not going great down there, but we are still talking about an EU country, not a third world country. Kids would still remain Danish citizens, and I would make sure they keep learning Danish language properly, their dad is danish after all, and then pass the the danish state exam, which would give them to freedom to choose whether they want to study in Slovakia, Czech, Denmark or anywhere else… so I would not want to lock them out completely, of course. But perhaps it would be enriching for them to try a non-danish system, I am thinking, it gives an open mind, and brings curiosity, which very much lacks here..
Oreoko@reddit
When you have been in Slovakia you just wanted to get out. Now when you are in Denmark you just imagine that for some reason it will be perfect in Slovakia despites that you hate your family and i can guarantee for you that the locals won't care about you more than Denmark. It's really not about going to Slovakia US Australia or whatever country in your mind that you believe will miraculously heal you. You need to go to psychologist and maybe also to a group therapy. I believe it's also connected to problems you have with your parents. After long therapy that will help you I'm sure you'll be happy in Denmark.
Great-Note3991@reddit
Lol. Slovakia 20 years ago was totally different country. And being next to Austria still has a lot of opportunities as well.
Denmark is a really different mentality comparing to slavic countries
Oreoko@reddit
Every country and the whole world changed in those 20 years. However she wasn't some super happy girl in Slovakia either from what she described. If you're suffering from depression that isn't coming from external problems like debt changing country or house won't heal it. Just therapy.
Great-Note3991@reddit
Come on, home is home, native language is native language, therapy wont change that. Every immigrant asks himself "why am I here? Do I reach my goals? Am I happy?". And if there is no response feeling correct then maybe the person should move back home
Oreoko@reddit
It's true if you're missing your family and friends badly, you don't speak the language and you suffer from racism because you look very different. However none of it is the problems she has. Sure speaking the native language is easier but it's not a reason you'll suffer in your new country. She claimed herself that she hates her parents and already got husband and friends in Denmark. So it's not like there is someone she miss so badly in Slovakia. Also no one in Slovakia will care about her more just because she is Slovak, everyone will deal with their own problems. It's classic the neighbor's garden is always greener. I'm certain that after a month in Slovakia that she will must to deal with tons of new problems that she didn't have before she will regret going to Slovakia and will want to move back to Denmark.
Great-Note3991@reddit
Em, you're kidding right when you say that there is no racism involved? In Europe you don't have to look very different to be a victim of discrimination lol, check the situation with the discrimination of Ukrainians in Poland, or the "glass ceiling" discrimination in the Netherlands, where all people with non-Dutch names are always inferior. Even if she doesn't mention it, the nature of Northern Europeans is super distant. So of course one ALWAYS be a foreigner even if spent a whole life in the country. Always a note of racism, different mentality. And even if you do speak freely the local language it's NOT YOUR LANGUAGE. The locals simply won't understand you in many situations because of the cultural difference.
We don't know if she will want go back to Denmark. immediately, I suppose she was visiting Slovakia before and knows the local situation, but still I believe she should take a chance and move to Slovakia for a while at least.
Oreoko@reddit
I know so many expats including in my own country and people who move abroad and everyone are completely happy with their choice but it's because of their personal mentality. If they were depressed people they probably would regret their decision but it's because they won't be happy anywhere anyway. All of your talk about racism is pointless because she said herself that she never suffered from racism and have friends over there plus she isn't Ukranian. The whole paranoia that everyone hates me and racist won't take you anywhere. Sure it's exist but not always and if she really was Ukranian, Russian or African she might suffer from it from time to time but as a Slovak it's almost non existent in Denmark.
Tsuki_Rabbit@reddit
I do not mean the country situation, I rather mean that you won't be able to socially integrate into the society in Slovakia as you think you are. Sure, you might have 2-3 closer friends, but the other people will see you as an outsider, you have been abroad for too long and you are different from them now. I don't think you made a wrong decision 20 ago. The younger you probably had good reasons to move and used her best judgement. There surely must be ways to make your and your kid's lives better in Denmark, I can't believe there is really "nothing to do", there must be some nice hobbies out there even though there is no snow. Might it be possible that you are depressed or exhausted in general currently and the issue is not actually Denmark itself but rather something else?
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
I wonder whether that can be really true, that i would no be able to integrate. I still have close friends with kids. Like me. I do not have the mindset of coming and preaching and glorifying how amazingly perfect life was working abroad. I Follow politics, I know it is pretty depressing… Of course everyone has changed in the past 18 years, I deal with same family/financial/work-life (im)balance issues like people back in Slovakia, I believe I can relate…
And as of the reasons I had back in my 20s, Nope none deeper meaning than just try libing abroad like many others did, not realizing how different the country is especially in terms of landscape and nature.
Seems like it is difficult for people to grasp that spending time outside, in (more) wild nature, all year long is quite important to me, as it is important for humans in general…
Also just to mention, when I left to Denmark, I was already living and studying “abroad” that is in Czech rep, where, if I returned when I still could, I would be living happily in terms of nature and distance, and pretty close mentality and culture.
Correct-Oven-1795@reddit
Was away from home country for 14 years. For reintegrate: It took 1-2 years for me to relearn accent so people don’t ask where im from, and another 1-2 years to start being okayish and integrate better. You probably dont know how to do local taxes, what are tax brackets, how and where to rent an apartment, how does schooling work for children, how to look for jobs, how to optimize your retirement and how it’s calculated. To be honest you seem way too positive about going back to Slovakia. The country u left is not the same country it is now. For example how did the culture change? Divorce rates, lgbt norms, birth rate, what is culturally to speak to acquaintances about, what’s the participation in church etc. Just giving you an idea cause when i was living in my home country vs 14 years after the country has changed a lot, and for eastern euro countries that change is like on steroids
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Well that is true, But I have been living there, I still have parents living there, close friends I regularly talk to live there. I follow Slovak news, I know what is going on in the mentioned topics, so I have a picture, Also about finding jobs, apartments, school for kids. It would certainly be a big adjustment and step out of comfort zone. But is not that when growing happens..?
gigi1327@reddit
I'm surprised at how negative many of the responders are on reddit. I understand your need to live in a beautiful natural country and raise your children surrounded by nature and outdoor adventures.
Correct-Oven-1795@reddit
Ok then you should be alright…
ChinookAB@reddit
You unfortunately seem determined to argue that living in Denmark is saddening and there is nothing you can do. What do you expect Reddit to do - somehow convince you differently?
Two solutions were suggested, see a psychologist to explore your feelings, or try a leave to live "at home" for a few months to see if it is what you really want. I'm sorry you feel down but your choices have more impact on others now.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Not saddening. But boring and monotonous, yes.
The suggestions I got sound meaningful, yes.
And actually talking to Reddit forum also has a partly therapeutic affect.
Pazienca@reddit
Yes that's exactly what will happen. I am in the same situation in Canada, it's a country with nothing to do, completely failing system and not even as bad as Denmark I bet. Last year I went to my birth country for a medical trip for a couple months, but I experienced more racism than my partner, or not sure what the term for it is. I was born in that country (near slovakia), but lived since almost birth abroad in Canada. My partner in life is Asian and before going there I was expecting they would experience that, however it was opposite and I was singled out and actually called an immigrant scum by some random kid. I was in disbelief but I bet it's just the way I am and the way I speak coming from Canada. I always assumed I had perfect lingual skills in both english and the country I was born with. Guess not. Reading the comment above opened my eyes, as I believe that is reality. You having some friends in slovakia maybe only works because you are different than them, there lives are probably miserable too. I bet when you go there they won't talk with you as much anymore as you will relate to them too much and be like them. Just my 2 cents
killinnnmesmallz@reddit
I'm curious to know what about your life in Denmark makes it feel like you don't belong/aren't Danish?
New_Accident_62@reddit
Xenophobia is common in Denmark. If you stand out here people will stare - especially in the smaller cities and towns.
killinnnmesmallz@reddit
Totally get that but I think after 18 years she may be used to some staring. I'm wondering if there's deeper exclusion happening.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
We live in Copenhagen and I know many foreigners have the experience with xenophobia, but I never really had, Perhaps only very subtly, but so it is a lot of places. And never had been stared at, I am always assumed to be danish….
killinnnmesmallz@reddit
Is it more a case of not having Danish friends/being accepted socially?
Resiw@reddit
Maybe do try go back to Slovakia with the family for lets say 2-3 months and see if it feels right. You can still do it with the kids young. Your husband can probably work remotely or even take unpaid leave.
If things doesn’t work out as you imagined you can always go back to Denmark.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
I would say it is the language. You see even if I understand almost everything, yet I have to sit at the lunch break or dinner with my danish family and make sure I am high allert, focusing and concentrating what all those 5-10 people are talking about. If it all went in English, I would be able to passively follow without making that extra effort. Also I will never ever feel comfortable to tell a longer story, I will just rather not say it. Perhaps that is just me, as I am a rather introvert person. I will simply never feel fully myself and be able to fully express myself to my full potential even if I fully understand the language and am able to speak it quite well. And no, in the past 18 years, I dates Danes, but never ever I had danish friends, neither through work nor through university, nor other channels. They celebrate Christmas, Easter, all the things I am used to celebrate, they are atheists just like me, they nice and welcoming people, Although I had met some quite toxic people at some occasions, but that is not limited to Denmark. I even experience Danes small talking to me, which is highly unusual for this culture…
My danish family is very nice, friendly, joking with me, welcoming, helpful, I cannot say anything negative about them… I do feel socially accepted.
I even work with Danes, they are Danes, super nice, friendly, welcoming and accommodating, Patient with my Danglish they have to put up with some time….
I even used to call Copenhagen my home, and it is, We have a lovely summerhouse, which we love, and used a lot…
But there is something missing. It is simply not my home, where I fully understand pop culture references, play with words, and honestly, a controversial statement coming - I am not really interested in learning this part of culture. So in the end of the day, it is my own fault, one could say.. but is it, do I have to be interested in everything about your culture.
seachimera@reddit
I understand all of this. I am an American living in Denmark.
killinnnmesmallz@reddit
I think that makes complete sense. I notice when I'm hanging out with British people that it's difficult to keep up with the references (and the drinking) and that means I don't ever fully relax and enjoy the socialization. I would even go so far as to say it makes me feel isolated.
It sounds like having kids may have symbolically shifted something for you and that a move back to your home country might be best.
Pibagirlie@reddit
This is so true I wish I knew this before coming here :(
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
I am sorry you are having this experience. This country is simply not meant to be a good place for everyone:-(
NannaBananaaa@reddit
I'm a Dane living abroad in Spain. I totally get that Denmark isn't for everyone since we have a very secluded lifestyle. Our friends are close knit circles we have known for many years, and there isn't a big culture of going out compared to other countries. I get you miss wild nature. I feel the same. I live in Barcelona now and came originally from a small town in Jylland. I miss nature too. Luckily for me i can go to the mountains when I'm off work.
I think you should consider why you feel this way. Is it because you miss your culture? Your family? Or is it because there is something missing in your life in Denmark. I miss Denmark a lot sometimes but I don't think I'm ever moving back.
gasu2sleep@reddit
So, by your own account Slovakia is falling apart economically. I too am an immigrant, and returning to my country has crossed my mind, yet like you I have a daughter and much like Slovakia the country Im from has no future for her economically or professionally. I can't in my right mind condem her to that. Basically what I'm saying is, you had your life, now you have to prioritize your children's future and decide where it's best for them.
P.S: I would love to just retire now and my passive income from investments would put me in the top 1% financially in my home country. I would probably have a great life, but I have to prioritize whats best for my daughter and not what my life could be.
ConflictFluid5438@reddit
Have you thought about moving there for a month or two? Assuming you could work remotely for a while or take some time off, you be a good way to see how you fit living in country
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
I could not work remotely from there, and neither could my husband, but if we could, it would be the best timing right now, before kids start at school…
GermanAustrianFamily@reddit
zoom regularly with those friends back home. find your passion where you are. join those groups where you are. help others. that brings fulfillment.
Abuela_Ana@reddit
Long time ago someone told me :
"you can never go back home, after you leave".
At the time I was a teenager and that made zero sense. Granted I was considering running away at that moment, so it was like.. fine by me. I'm much older now and can understand how true that is.
After 18 years away, I'm sure people will ask the OP where is she from. Most likely she'll feel very much out of place. Would be great if she could have an extended stay just to feel it herself and settle the forever longing to go back.
Few people realize that changing countries have many ramifications some are great some not so much.
One-Impress-8138@reddit
Im born here in Denmark to parents of other countries, and i never felt welcome, there is a lack of warmth as you say, you might find people who smile, but more than that ? You gotta be very lucky. It’s a place that has made me tired in my mind and soul, I will never be happy here I think , it’s also said to be the hardest country to befriend people in the world, and I can say it’s very very true.
Pibagirlie@reddit
I cant belive how before coming to denmark everyone told me its like a fairy tale and when u came here its pure hell and no one actually likes it! Omg I’m like… I feel like i felt in a ponzi scheme. I think that if you really like nordic countries must have a certain mindset, actually i thought that integrating by having a family makes things so much easier but it seems that no? I’m glad u have friends here, and a Job and learned the language.
BridgeEngineer2021@reddit
It's definitely not true that no one likes it here in Denmark, I'd say out of my expat friends in Copenhagen the majority are very happy and want to stay. But that's mainly a self-selected group of people who came here out of interest in living in this country. For people who came here purely for salary/job opportunities or to follow a spouse, it's definitely more of a mixed bag. I think you said it right about needing the right mindset.
For me as a relative introvert Danish culture is paradise - no need to interact with people in public when you don't want to, but people are still friendly and open up once you get to know them. It actually reminds me a lot of my home region's culture (New England, USA) so that's a big help. I have some friends from places with "warmer" cultures like India, Turkey, Brazil, etc who have a personality that made them feel like an outsider in their home country but right at home in Denmark. But, if living in a place with an outwardly warm/spontaneous social culture is important to you, then yea, Denmark and Scandinavia/northern Europe in general is a challenge.
LibrarianByNight@reddit
👋🏼 from a fellow New Englander living in Denmark
BridgeEngineer2021@reddit
Hey! Nice to know there's more of us!
Curious what you think - have you ever had the thought about similarities between New England and Danish culture or am I way off base?
LibrarianByNight@reddit
No, it's very similar. At home, talking to a stranger is practically akin to mental illness, so the culture here feels very familiar. The level of quiet is certainly not Boston-esque though 😅
CleverCrow_4178@reddit
Heh that sounds like Minnesota. : )
BridgeEngineer2021@reddit
Agreed! When I went home to Boston for the first time after moving here, it was the loudness of everyone and the irrationality of the drivers/ road layouts that gave me reverse culture shock the most 😆
LibrarianByNight@reddit
To be fair, Danish drivers scare the heck out of me too!
CleverCrow_4178@reddit
I’d really love to hear more about Denmark. Midwesterner here! Also CA and the UK.
Pibagirlie@reddit
I know there are Latin people that are actually happy here and I want to be happy here as well, but I want to bring up also the the race/class thing is very important when trying to make friends. It's not that danish people are just “introvert”, in many cases they are also xenofobic and classist, because of their supremacist believe that they are racially superior and because of their wealth, they are not aware of the struggles other people experience. because of that, many of them are just not interested in engaging. Many times I felt this way and is draining, u have to prove u are worthy. OFC not all the Danes are like this, and I'm aware classism and xenofobia is a worldwide problem that is rising everywhere, but I think that here it's Hits specially HARD
BridgeEngineer2021@reddit
Yea, I definitely understand what you mean. I think being an outsider somewhere also makes you more aware of how differently people are treated in a society.
I even see a slight difference between me and my wife - my wife has Scandinavian ancestry and I have ancestry from the Caucasus (based on looks many people assume I'm Mediterranean or Middle Eastern). I noticed strangers we interact with will often approach her a bit more warmly than they approach me (though once we speak, it's clear we're both Americans and we're treated the same).
I have friends here from around the world and people have such different experiences - out of two people from the same country one might say they feel racism all the time and another might say they never feel it. I guess it's a mix of personal sensitivity to it as well as just pure luck on what type of people you come across. I feel very lucky that through my work and in my community I've mostly met very kind and open Danes.
At my workplace at least it is very mixed between Danes and foreigners. Most of the Danes, especially younger generations, are very open to being friends with foreigners and learning more about our cultures, many of them are even in relationships with foreigners. As you mentioned, this could be a class difference, it's a professional workplace and everyone is highly educated.
But anyway, I only brought all this up just to give you another viewpoint. I'm sorry to hear you've been having this experience here. I wish you the best and hope you'll find some people who make you feel that you belong here, if you choose to stay.
CleverCrow_4178@reddit
Beautifully said. I feel that as well: I never understood what it was like to truly be an outsider until I moved away from my home country. Not simply travel but actually living there and navigating as a resident. And while I get that I have it easier than many / most because I don’t have language barriers, that outsidery feeling gets to me over time.
I’m doing it again now, actually. This is the second country I’ve lived in other than my home country. Eventually the outsidery feeling caught up to me again. It’s so common that I wonder if there are any expats that DON’T experience it…..
lalabelle1978@reddit
Yes, once I met a Portugueuse woman who told me "I had less money in Portugal but I was happy"....how brave to say this.
Each person sees their own "fit". Some like tgings otgers don´t.
Like Introverts say its perfect for them. Well I´m an introvert and I prefer to be surrounded by my opposite of warm expressive people haha, people who come toawrds me rather then me having to pretend to be an extrovert just to get things moving and meet people...
I am also a woman who would rather have men take the lead and be more expressive in romantic relationships.
So many times I have wondered in a very rational way why am I not happy and feel disconnected when the country is safe, I am safe, I have a great job, enough money, all infrastructure work, people around me are nice, respectful, honest.....but I feel invisible. I miss the heart. The pulse <3
Back home, people ask where my accent is from, but they are very curious and find my life interesting not a liability for being different. Men love that I m independant, not just "expect" it...
Most Danish men have rejected me, and few times when some are interested they re ones I find so incredibly boring as if it needs to be the woman who leads and is the entertainer and the most fun of the couple...I´d rather be home alone.
Pawtamex@reddit
Learning the language makes a 180 degrees difference.
I must say, expats in Denmark are super privileged in the sense that they are not force to learn the language to integrate. But society of course judges this as a lack of respect or interest in integrating. If you were living in Germany, USA, Canada, England, Japan…. And so on, you will be completely isolated if don’t speak the language. It suck in Denmark, learn the language. It won’t suck anymore.
Familiar-Guide3201@reddit
This is a typical situation for people living abroad. In fact, I’m 33, I’ve been living abroad for 9 years, and I’m in a similar situation to yours, but without kids yet, and let me tell you, you are in a better position than I am since your husband is happy to move, which is not my case. Listen to yourself and don't let this situation dry you up inside. Just make a clear plan with your family, be patient (because this is a big change and it will take time), and everything will be alright. Some places don't match with us, and some people can adapt better than others, and ultimately, you deserve to feel happy and complete
_hkjdf_@reddit
A Czech here, hear me out. I lived 7 years in the Netherlands. When I got pregnant I convinced my Dutch/Moroccan husband to move to Czechia, he agreed readily because neither of us had family in NL and childcare is very expensive there so we thought it would be difficult. I was soooo excited to move back. I thought we would love it, both of us. The nature, the more relaxed culture etc. We are moving back to NL next year when my second born will be 1.5 years. The reasons:
1) Language barrier. Our languages (slavik) are difficult and our people mostly don't speak english. Your husband might have a very very hard time, not just in finding a job but in general. This of course depends on personality, if he is an outgoing extrovert, he might be ok with this part. I can definitely finish learning Dutch way more easily...
2) Education for the kids. It's just worse. Period. Unless you go private.
3) I have changed. I don't belong anymore. I suddenly see how xenophobic, small minded and unfortunately rasist many Czechs are (not sure if this would apply for the Slovaks, i have a feeling that this is a Czech thing only).
This was my experience, yours could be very different of course, just wanted to share it because I honestly didnt expect how out of the place I will feel back home.
My husband found a job in an international corporate, they don't care about the language. I recommend looking at those.
Hodne stesti!
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Ahoj and thank you for your perspective, means a lot… Well the only thing I can honestly think of is, at least you tried. You tried and now, you know it does not work for you in the Czech rep, so you return to NL, but now you don’t have to have any regrets.
We would also keep the door open back to Denmark, keep the apartment, keep the Danish language learning for kids…
And if it was too crazy, we would also return. That was even the original plan, it would not have to be the ultimate move with no return..
I am sorry it did not work for you! I sincerely wish you will be happier back in the Netherlands.
Vela stastia!:)
sashisuseso1@reddit
I totally get it. I feel the sane way in Germany. We're getting ready to leave cuz I've been miserable here. We have a child so I stayed but I can no longer live here. My mental health has tanked. The rigidity, rudeness, language policing, non friendliness, and the non empathetic people... Way too many cons. Not all Germans..bit this country has no sense of how to keep their immigrants. I know so many who left. I can't wait to leave. Do what's right for you. Happy mother, happy children.
happyhappyjoyjoy77@reddit
I feel you. Just had my first baby living in Netherlands and have similar feelings after living in this country 8 years and abroad for 15+/- (American and German citizens but tropical sun chaser backpacker types).
These high income/ low warmth (temperature and culture) countries just don’t hit the same way they did either when we were younger or have just lost their attraction in 2026.
I think we will end up moving to Spain for all the things you mentioned. We already spend a lot of time in the south in Malaga. Nature, warmth, good food, good produce, slower friendlier pace of life despite going up the higher salaries and etc. Come join me we can create a community of misfit international third culture families 💛 I think we just have to create something new that scratches this itch of missing community. There’s a lot of us feeling this way
Solid_Ad_5717@reddit
I totally get what you're feeling. After having kids, it’s like a place either fits or it doesn’t, and things you could ignore before suddenly feel too much.
I wouldn’t force yourself to "adjust" right away. It’s okay to take time and figure out if these feelings are temporary or something deeper. Maybe just exploring options, even for a short time, or keeping your choices open could help clear your mind. You’re not alone in feeling this way, it’s a process a lot of people go through.
cammiehanako@reddit
I understand you. I'm English, married to an Italian living in a beautiful part of Italy. Some days I think "I don't belong here. I speak Italian and they still switch to English or have preconceived ideas about me" I think it's just my anxiety to be honest. We all have rough days. I have English friends who all speak Italian and our personalities just align, but I also don't belong in England.
Charming_Function_58@reddit
I think sometimes you just have to trust your intuition. If you’re feeling SUCH a strong desire to go somewhere, it’s for a reason. Maybe you need to explore it further.
There’s the saying — wherever you go, there you are. It’s possible that these feelings and problems will follow you (and new problems are inevitable, that’s life).
But I don’t see anything wrong with taking a chance and trusting your intuition.
It sounds like you’re in a difficult place, with kids and a husband who might be comfortable where they are. But your needs are important, too. If you’re that unhappy, your family is also going to feel it, and that’s not good for anyone.
I wish you luck!
doepfersdungeon@reddit
I wouldn't just try somewhere and see. Decide what you need and then make an exit plan, which may include learning a language before you go. If you were moving back to be with family and to immerse your kids in the language, etc, then I get it, easy move. But simply moving home and expecting it to be a panacea whilst asking your husband to potentially spend 8 years learning two languages so he can work and live somewhere else probably isn't the answer.
Cultural-Ad-6766@reddit
Sorry to say this I mean to help. It sounds like you are going through a mild mid-life crisis and transition towards the second stage of life. Hang in there, talk to a therapist.
vixenlion@reddit
Maybe you go on a visit on your own to some scenery. What’s the nearest big Forest ? Maybe check that out.
Are there any Slovakian restaurants or areas close to you ? Maybe that could help.
You have to find something different in Denmark to peak your interest.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
There are really no big forests. It is an agricultural land, where they removed all the forest to use the land for agriculture.
Yes, people say there nature in Jutland, sure, but I don’t see it worth driving 4-5 hours to see a forest, then I better pack kids take them on plane to see proper nature… in Slovakia, Austria, Italy, you name it…
vixenlion@reddit
Oh !
Yes go somewhere else for a little bit a mini vacation. It’s not a great solution, but this will be temp and soon you will be able to leaveDenmark. Just keep looking for jobs wherever you want to live. Practice German with your husband for job opportunities.
You at least need a plan for some hope!
Decide on what country you want to move to and start looking for jobs in that area. You and your husband. One of you should be able to get a job and will allow you to move there. It sounds like the best you can do rn to help yourself mentally is to start planning your new life Outside of Denmark.
New_Accident_62@reddit
The issue is that there is no scenery in Denmark. There is no nature and the weather is always bad.
Ok_Field6320@reddit
There are a lot of beautiful places in Denmark. Maybe not around cph but Aarhus is surrounded by beautiful places. People aren't nearly as up themselves either in Aarhus
vixenlion@reddit
I have not been to Denmark ? So this is not an option ? https://silkeborg.dk/
Pibagirlie@reddit
And going to Norway for a little vacations?
SuperFlaccid@reddit
I'm an expat here and I get it-- the lack of wild nature, even just simply an unmanaged, wild forest to go to in your backyard, is soul-crushing. It's hard to describe but it is absolutely soul-crushing how carefully controlled by humans every m2 of land is here! I get your struggles and I think you have to either find a new way of making home here (I joined an international choir and it saved me) or else explore moving by going on vacation with your kids somewhere you could imagine moving, to see if the feeling is real or just a passing anxiety. Good luck ❤️
Moke94@reddit
Have you considered a move to Norway? Lots of nature and much more snow. And the language is very similar to danish. Sweden could work too, but you won't get understood as easily as in Norway.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
No we haven’t, If we should ever move than it would have to be to a place culturally closer to where I am from.
I have been Norway, I know it is absolutely gorgeous
SuperFlaccid@reddit
Czech republic could be an option closer to your culture, maybe a little more stable?
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
I love my country of birth and I love people there but I have no illusions: after 25 years of living as an immigrant I “belong” there even less.
I dislike using word “belong” in this context.
When I try to analyze my life I use words “settled” / “feeling at home”. And I know in order for me to feel “settled” and “at home” I simply need give myself enough time to settle.
Living in a pretty area ( pretty nature, pretty town) was always important so from the very beginning I prioritized planting roots in the area I will enjoy living.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
All right. So if I should use the settle and feeling at home. I am fully settled, and I feel at home partly. I feel at home with my family in our beautiful apartment. I don’t feel at home when I ho out, when I have nowhere where to go for a walk or hike in real nature, I don’t feel at home when I interact with Danes, I don’t feel at home, when I think about it…
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
What makes me feel at home outside of my actual house is being well familiar with a location/people I live.
I grew up in Soviet era blocks, it wasn’t very pretty but I was at home simply because I was more familiar with that location and people there, more than any other location/people.
And when I moved I didn’t expect to feel at home there till I became familiar with everything / everyone.
That said I wouldn’t be moving to a location I don’t find appealing, if I have better options.
LesnBOS@reddit
Where did you chose?
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
I moved from Eastern Europe to California
rukia_k13@reddit
In every country they stare if you don't look like them - it's not because of the country or culture, it's because we are humans.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
No one stares at me in Denmark, I look like one of them, guess I am lucky
ArcticRock@reddit
Why not try a third country? Like the UK?
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Because I am from Slovakia and my husband is Danish and I wish kids growing up in one of these, which we know as of culture and system.
FreshEcho6021@reddit
Human warmth I don’t know but sledging/skiing and snow you can find in Norway, Austria and Switzerland but you might have a problem with language skills there too depending on the industry although some jobs are available in Switzerland with English only. If you meet the requirements for immigration Canada might be an option very friendly people and skiing is available in many provinces even pretty close to Vancouver, Ottawa and Montreal but housing is expensive in Vancouver, in Montreal you might have to speak French. If you stay in Denmark the outdoor options are unfortunately pretty much limited to biking and skiing on artificial material in copenhill.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Well my home land Slovakia has some very nice, bot that big but pretty okay sledging and skiing opportunities for children:)
mmori7855@reddit
If you never met your husband, never had kids, never had your parents that were trying to escape from in the first place, what would feel expansive for you right now, both geographically and what you do?
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
I don’t think I can answer this question. It is very hypothetical. If I stayed at my home land, I would meet a man there, had kids with him, lived in a house or an apartment, complained about political situation and how prices are rising, and dreaming about moving abroad to a better functioning society…
movingarchivist@reddit
I get the sense that you're looking for an easy way out of whatever's bothering you about your life now, and moving back home is easier than either staying in Denmark or moving somewhere else where you're not a citizen. But going back home isn't just pressing play on a paused video; people moved on, they built their lives, new networks, they filled their schedules with things that don't have you in it bc you weren't there. I don't say this in an accusatory way, it's just a fact. Plus you will have changed much more than you think. I think you will still feel like an outsider in a lot of ways, plus now your life will be harder bc of the lack of infrastructure, technology, etc.
Even if Denmark isn't the answer, it's not obvious Slovakia is, particularly for your kids. I think you need to be able to define better what you'd be gaining and giving up. Or look for something new somewhere else.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Just a note to you. Moving back home would by no means be easier. The easier option is to stay where I live now… moving “back home” after not living there for 18 years, after living for 18 years in almost best functioning country, actually feels very scary, and like a crazy scary step out of the comfort zone…
External_Guard3619@reddit
Its relative , because for someone like me who lives in a third world country, Denmark is beautiful, its all relative. But I agree, after having kids, everything changes, I have twins and it has already changed how we plan for travel and vacations.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Absolutely agree. I acknowledge that this is a luxury problem of a first world spoilt mind…
And Denmark is cosy, cute and cosy, no doubt, Has beautiful coast, in summer. In summer I enormously appreciate the access to beautiful beaches, sometimes it feels like we could easily be in Italy. We go to more remote beaches further south of Copenhagen
External_Guard3619@reddit
Now you are thinking freely, You have the travel pass to Europe, one of the best places on Earth , you have earned it, live it, feel it and give it to your kids, I know it can be tough sometimes, especially with kids, but you only live once.
I always dreamt of settling in Europe, although it feels like it will never happen but I wake up daily with that dream.
You are already living my dream 🙂, so go for it, whatever you want ,you can have it 👍
phillyphilly19@reddit
Are there other countries the two of you might be interested in since Slovakia is not a great option? Perhaps he should look for work in some other countries to explore perhaps in southern Europe that might work.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
No really no, For us to it only makes sense to live either in Denmark or Slovakia, or perhaps in Czech republic, which still is another culture… in the end of the day it is not only about outdoor and nature, but also about cultural heritage..
phillyphilly19@reddit
Well then I have nothing.
nihao_@reddit
I can sympathise - we're eastern European and also moved countries years ago - but all the way to Australia.
We also no longer feel 'at home' anywhere.
It's even more expensive to fly anywhere from here, and the drive to anywhere is without a doubt much, much longer than yours.
I'm not trying to diminish your experience at all - just providing a little perspective. I'd love to be only a short plane ride away from my former home. In the time it would take you to drive to Slovakia, I'd only be reaching the next big city here.
Maybe take a longer term view? I'd move in an instant, but I have kids too. So I'm waiting until they grow up.
Beats_Satchel@reddit
In a similar boat. I feel your pain…
raenico67@reddit
I think acknowledging the outsider feeling is one thing, but I believe you may have “outgrown” the place, considering that you’re also in a different chapter of your life, you now have kids. You were once happy there, right?
So now with a different life situation, you’re longing for something more for your life — something meaningful and deeper this time. Acknowledge that feeling, and don’t dwell on the “outsider” feeling as the reason. Discover what you really want as a family, and work towards that — it’s great that your husband is open. So include your husband in this journey, share all your thoughts, etc, find a solution and make a plan together. It will take time, but having a shared goal will make it a bit easier for you, and you won’t feel alone. Best of luck to you!
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
I think it is indeed this. Outgrowing a place, because of life chapter has changed a lot…
Thank you for your comment! Really helps to receive empathy, even from a stranger on the internet 💫
Firm_Speed_44@reddit
I am Norwegian and love the Danish nature of Bornholm with the Hellidomsklipperne, Dueodde and the commons. The Wadden Sea in Jutland is also beautiful and fascinating. I think Denmark is a beautiful country with nice people and I have lived in the country for 15 years.
Moved home to Norway a few years ago and time has not stood still in the country while I was away. A lot has changed and friends have moved away, while new ones have arrived. You have also changed a lot in these years and are not the same as you were. I miss a lot about Denmark, but fortunately I have a lot of family there and I have a husband who shares my joy for the small and charming country.
It is sad that you have this unrest in you and I understand that there are things you miss from your homeland, but you cannot travel back in time.
Pibagirlie@reddit
But being from Norway is like being Danish - I mean, like u are so close culturally, even understand the language; for non Scandinavians these countries are really really really hard, u might expect that as everything is perfect settling in would be smooth and maybe the system is amazing, but the way of being here, how people approach life, it's like… if you u came from south America, like me, it can feel soulless. Not helping that Scandinavians think that I came from a land of cavemen and rustic people. Just miss the warmth, the genuineness of my people, omg this post triggered all my sadness here :(
marijavera1075@reddit
I completely understand this as a Macedonian in Denmark. OP I would just suggest you look into r/longtermTRE if speaking to a therapist isn't what you'd like right now. Give it a chance for 3-6 months. It would suck if you moved to another country only to find yourself unsatisfied again because the issue turned out to be a much deeper, emotional problem than what meets the eye. At the very least it'll help you think more clearly. It sounds ridiculous that a tremor mechanism can help mentally but do look into their Index, FAQ and it's a lovely community so ask for guidance there as well.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Thank you. 😊 I will have a look!
Firm_Speed_44@reddit
I understand that you find it unfair that people think you come from an underdeveloped country, because most countries in South America are wonderful countries with a rich and varied culture. You have every right to be proud of where you come from.
Yes, the culture and language are the same, but you are not at home when you live in another country. The food you were used to is not there and the way you interact is different. You miss your family and friends. And even though it is a neighboring country, it took a day to get home. I had to use three flights, and it was expensive. That is also the reason why I unfortunately do not see my family in Denmark often, it can take years.
Pibagirlie@reddit
Do you think Norwegians are more friendly than Danes, when it comes to making expats friends?
Firm_Speed_44@reddit
I think we are similar, until you get to the very north of Norway. There you find a warmth and care that is missing in the south. Especially in smaller places. Unfortunately, many people struggle to live there because the winter is like a long night and the summer is like a long day.
It is easier to get a job there and there are lower taxes to attract people to the area.
CountrysidePlease@reddit
I’m all for winter and snow and cold and whatnot, but I come from the south of Europe so I’m completely biased and still think with rose tinted glasses. The sun is here all year round and this year it rained for three weeks straight and we were starting to feel depressed. Nonetheless I would love to experience that winter in the north just to understand how it really feels like, because my southern soul cannot understand the concept of never seeing daylight. But it feels extremely interesting to me!
Firm_Speed_44@reddit
I have lived by the Barents Sea for five years and it was a great five years. The nature is beautiful and special, and the people were warm and caring. I went on many long hikes in the mountains and brought my little tent.
It is easy to get a job, especially health workers are in demand, but it requires that you speak the language. I remember that there were many nationalities living there, the Dutch, Danes, Finns, Britons, a Pole and a French couple. They worked in the fishing industry, many spoke little Norwegian, besides a Danish doctor. It was 5 exciting and special years.
Pibagirlie@reddit
I wouldn't mind living in a 3k habitat village in the north pole if the people are less uptight, pretentious and xenofobic as in Copenhagen
Firm_Speed_44@reddit
You can look for vacancies on Finn.no and google the places and see the areas on Google maps. If only for fun. I know that a group, that is, several families, moved from Sri Lanka to a small village of 500-600 people over 10 years ago. They all still live there, so I think they must be happy 😊
Pibagirlie@reddit
Thanks ✨
Late-Mountain3406@reddit
I’m so sorry but your comment made me think about Christmas in Latin America 🤔. Best time to be there. Writing this from USA 😔
carefulabalone@reddit
What are the things you miss about Christmas in Latin America? I’ve never had a Christmas there.
JohnLothropMotley@reddit
Just accept the gray slog. Aren’t your normal? Be normal
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Nah, we only got one life….
iluvbjj1@reddit
I’d put Canada as a possibility. So friendly. People are genuinely warm. Lots of nature. Kids will grow up with a blast. Got healthcare. Taxes are high but not as insane as Nordic countries
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Absolutely understand your suggestion. It is just way too far, but I heard same about the people friendliness and of course stunning nature
Consistent-Barber428@reddit
Um, not trying to be mean, but it took 18 years to figure out you don't like Denmark and are an outsider? I would wager your issues are not with Denmark, but something else. And those issues will follow you wherever you go if you don't investigate them. Perhaps this is a midlife crisis in disguise...
reddit_tat@reddit
Having children has a way of bringing your values to the surface. Even things you did not realize were important to you. And having pre-school age kids and two jobs is hard. I wonder if you are having feelings about all of that and have landed on the idea that moving back would be a solution. It would not be unusual, too, to want your kids to experience your culture.
Eighteen years is a long time to decide you don’t feel that you belong. The arrival of kids may have shone a light on some differences you didn’t notice before. But you note that you are assumed to be Danish. And you have not noted specific issues, just a general sense that you want things to be different and think moving back is the solution. I second the idea of sorting some of this out with a therapist before you make such a big move. Before you find an answer, you need to identify the problem.
My American relative moved to Poland with his Polish wife and their child after a long time in the US. The child (who does speak Polish) struggled initially and was very angry at having her life uprooted, although ultimately settled down. It was a rough go, though, and the relationship with the Polish parent took a hit. Meanwhile, while the Polish wife speaks excellent English, the husband never learned Polish and was unable to find work in his profession. Wife is the breadwinner. (Husband was breadwinner and wife was at home while they were in the US.)
My point is to think very carefully before you make a choice that affects so many others and might not work out the way you think it will. You have two jobs in a country you acknowledge where everything works. Don’t take that for granted or underestimate how challenging things that don’t work will be for your husband, when he lacks language and cultural knowledge to work around it. Also, what if he could not find work? Very stressful for the marriage. Good luck.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Indeed, therefore he would need to have a work before we moved…
Maybe worth noting that hubby is not that far from retirement. But kids are not even at school yet, so the would not be that hard I assume.
But totally relate to the story you are describing… But at least we would not move that far and culturally different like US and PL are.
DoukSprtn@reddit
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I completely understand the feeling. With that said sad, your kids and your husband love you very much and no matter where you go. You will be a family. Don’t give up and run away. I know it’s easy to do, but remember, it’s an internal emotion and a mental dilemma. It’s not their fault. Try to work through it and wherever you end up, good luck..
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your comment, very much appreciate! I will never run away from my kids and husband, I love them. We have to figure this out together
wisdom1206@reddit
I totally get what you are going through. Let's put economical and political things aside. It's a soul thing..It is your country where you grew up, spoke your first words, went to school, etc. It's everything that your soul is familiar with. Even if it changed over the last 18 years, it's your home your life-starting-point. You sound incredibly sane and mature and even though I haven't spent 18 years in one foreign country I've spent 20 years in different foreign countries and have been in france for the last 10 years ( as a German) even I don't feel french neither am I an expat anymore. Kids are grown, and I also feel like moving. ( not back to my home country, though) So yes, I totally understand
If I was you, I'd pack up and go back, find a job and let hubby take care of the kids for a while or until things settle and you feel more comfortable in your skin. There's something missing in your heart and only you can fill it. It's not so much what you're gonna do it's WHEN you're gonna do it!! Wishing you the best!!
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
It is so liberating to read that some people actually understand me. Thank you so much for your comment.
Interesting-Tackle74@reddit
Getting kids is a difficult stage in the life of many people and many couples sooner or later.
Btw: we did a round the world trip with our 1-year-old. I'm going skiing with him a lot of times. He is 8 years now and we live some hours away from the next mountains. Why should travelling not be possible with kids?
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
It is possible to travel with kids.
It is just really expensive. Closest mountains for where we can be sure we get at least artificial snow is 8 hours drive by car. And yes, that is the plan when our younger is at a bit older, now at age 3 it is pure hell in the car of more than 1 hour…
Otherwise we need to drive at least 13 hours or fly, which in high season is at least 1000eur for family without extra luggage, without accommodation…
I mean after paying all taxes in Denmark, there is not so much left to travel, we are a middle class people…
Green_Mind60@reddit
What I’ve learned over my many years is that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. You have problems now, you take them with you. What you have now is what other people dream of.its not worth disrupting everyone’s lives to move to a new Country to be 10% happier.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Totally get it, It would so much easier if it was just me, or my and hubby an kids.
But note, I am not complaining of problems, although they are there, and there are aspects I don’t like about some danish ways and approach.
I am very well aware that grass is less green in Slovakia then here in Denmark
Impressive_Daikon442@reddit
How haven’t you learned Danish in 18 years to a fluency?
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Because for 13 years I was surrounded only by internationals including partner and friends. For all those years I worked in English eventhough with Danes. And only after that I met my Danish husband, and started to have more contact with Danish through his family. That has been for the past 5 years where I also make the utmost effort to talk Slovak to my kids to make sure they learn the language. I don’t think this is an unusual scenario language wise for internationals here in Denmark.
density69@reddit
The lack of warmth is often what you get when you grow older. I don't think that it really matters where you live. Some people are able to keep connections alive their whole lives, but this is in no way guaranteed.
Serapis5@reddit
Once you leave your home, two things change in your mind. You obviously want to get the most return for your sacrifice of culture, friends and family AND every next move becomes easier.
For a start, why not buy an apartment in Prague or Bratislava where you could spend summer break or work remotely from?
Pawtamex@reddit
I feel you are having a mid-life crisis. Kids are hard work. Your identity is lost (unless your dream was to be a stay-at-home parent, 50s style). This will not change in any other place you choose to live. If lack of snow and other outdoor activities is the key aspect of your feeling, then ask yourself how realistic would be that you land in Slovakia, get a comfortable life there and off you all go the adventure every weekend…
bruhbelacc@reddit
If you think a culture is cold, you don't understand how people from said culture express their emotions. You probably interpret the things that they find respectful (giving you space, not asking you twice to do something) as coldness. Many people find Eastern Europeans cold because smiles are rare and less pronounced, and because the languages sound harsh, but once you live there, you learn people have the same emotions.
You can travel, and I'm sure there's a lot of man-made infrastructure.
New_Accident_62@reddit
She literally stated in her post that traveling with kids is very expensive and that driving anywhere takes forever. Also, if what you are lacking is nature then man-made infrastructure is not going to satisfy that need. There is basically no nature in Denmark and the weather is always awful.
bruhbelacc@reddit
And why would you care about that? Sounds like a first-world problem.
If it's expensive, then there is a problem with her income, not with the country. And I doubt being in the center of Europe with a country with some of the highest salaries is going to get any better.
chinook97@reddit
There's more to life and to being happy than just money by itself.
New_Accident_62@reddit
Well because some people enjoy nature. Are you being obtuse on purpose?
Aniadania@reddit
If driving in Denmark takes forever she wouldn't like to move to US (l spent 9 years in Dk and 12 years in Us) In US you basically live behind the wheel
Headphonehijack@reddit
I don’t necessarily agree that OP (and others) don’t understand how people from said culture express their emotions, but I am always surprised when I read about how cold people find Scandinavians.
My danish friends are some of the loveliest, warmest and most kind hearted people I know. And Danes in general are very kind in my experience.
It is honestly just a cultural thing. Im Icelandic, so of course my culture is similar to Danish, so I am engaging with them on a similar level of cultural expectations. It takes a while for people to warm up, but if you make a friend they tend to be your friend for life.
Just moved to Stockholm and hear a lot of expat friends complain about the same stuff with the swedes, but I genuinely think swedes are so kind, helpful and genuine once you engage with them. They are also chattier than Dane’s haha. Honestly I found the Dutch way harder to make friends with.
That being said, Dane’s are notoriously xenophobic / racist - not any of those that I know, but I definitely noticed it when I lived there (lived in a small town, I think CPH is way more open) so I am not defending that part.
But yeah this is just my experience and I realise that doesn’t reflect everyone elses.
I am not trying to say that other peoples experiences are not valid at all!
Pibagirlie@reddit
Do you think Iceland or Sweden is easiest countries to settle in as a Latin expat? The thing is that the xenofobia here is so huge -in DK- that making danish friends is tough because they are not interested about u. And I have it easy because I'm Latin, if u are black or brown… omg that would be HELL.
Headphonehijack@reddit
I said in my comment that this is my experience as a Nordic person, that I knew it wasn’t the same for others and that I am well aware of the xenophobia?
I have literally been told to go back to my own country by a Dane when I lived in Denmark. (Again not saying that it is nearly as bad as others have experienced )
Also I have plenty of mixed danish friends, some have encountered no racism, and some have encountered a lot of racism. Same with other expats I know, some have experienced a lot of xenophobia/racism, and some have experienced very little if none.
Denmark is by no means perfect and I’m not saying it is.
This wasn’t a comment about IF parts of the danish population are racist or xenophobic, it was a comment on the fact that the whole of the danish population are not as cold as people constantly make them out to be on Reddit.
bruhbelacc@reddit
Is there a country where you wouldn't be told to go back by random people in a small town? I think Nordic countries, Germany, the Netherlands etc. get too much hate because they have a disproportionate amount of immigrants. But if you ask an Italian, Japanese, Russian, Indian etc. grandma what she thinks about immigrants... boy, reddit would lose its mind.
gaiaom@reddit
Wow. I didn’t know this about Denmark. I thought it was full of nature and SNOW!! Aren’t they up North by Sweden - isn’t there snow in Sweden? I keep hearing that Danes and most Germanic people are distant - could it be the 🥶? Have you spoken to your husband about this? Maybe it’s time the family switched and spent time in your neck of the woods?
LibrarianByNight@reddit
Copenhagen is like 700km from northern Sweden where there is significant snow. Denmark's location and the gulf stream lead to very low snow totals.
Manonemo@reddit
Hi, have similar story (somewhat). From Europe, left home when I was 18, dont have family really..
What you describe, I call it an itch. (People have suddenly urge to leave, whether for family, missing their homeland, suddenly everything sucks and back home things were so good. Yeah lol, thats why we all left homeland in first place). Living for decades in USA (trust me Denmark is 1000x better lol), I seen many times my countrymen going through this. They built decent life, some got kids, and suddenly overnight they missed family, everything was bad.. (and 20, 15 years ago things were much better back then). Explaining them that going back is big drop down, futile. They left, realized things are very different after such a long time, didnt have such a good life for many years. Some scrambled and tried to go to other western countries, just to find its same thing. They regretted it. Look whats going on now in USA, leaving usa back then was a good move. None of us has crystal ball, no one knows how things will turn out. Things are not what we think. That said, no one can tell you what to do, because you will have to deal with consequences. Settling in new place, new issues, new adventures, looking for new friends.. I wouldnt recommend you going back to Slovakia and trying to be the only provider for your family, leaving all Denmark life behind. One option I see is to look in another countries around, go there, give it try and see if you guys will be happy there, rent your Danish apartment meanwhile.. if things wont be that great, you can go back to Denmark.
Aniadania@reddit
Its so true. There really is this itch. And you would feel in any country after living there for so many years...
unosbastardes@reddit
I will be short. I felt the same and made the move away from Denmark. But after giving some time to mentally mature, I understood it has nothing to do with the place what so ever. It is your partially delusional, sentimental feeling from past that you are extrapolating to future. Life is constantly moving, nothing is and ever will be like it was, ideas of what you can or would do is only ideas. Reality is, if you cant find happiness and contempt in Denmark, unlikely you will elsewhere. Wanting to move is natural, but it should not come because you dislike your current life and think it is going to be better somewhere else. It might, briefly, but it will catch up eventually.
Not saying you shouldnt do it, maybe your family has an option to somehow manage some time here. But do not expect it to solve your dissatisfaction long term and that you will feel any different there after 10 years. Plan accordingly and work on yourself.
P.s. most if not all students who study abroad find themselves in this exact pickle. After studies they move back, realize that life has moved on, people have moved on and you have grown/changed. Then they end up moving elsewhere (city or country) and starting from scratch. You missed that part, in a way you are stuck in your early teens still, as dumb as it sounds.
Admirable-Ebb-5413@reddit
Feeling isolated is possible anywhere. Sometimes we feel a strong urge to make a dramatic change in our lives. Listen carefully to that and try and figure it whats driving it. Sometimes its place and sometimes its people. Just dont do anything rash. Take the time to isolate what it is….but listen carefully when you do.
p3chapai@reddit
So look, this happens to anyone living in another country. It will happen to your husband as well if you move to Slovenia. If he's really interested in learning German and I guess Slovenian, then go for it. If not, it will be more difficult. Not sure what the children want either. They would have to readjust.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Children are children they will follow
JeromeZilcher@reddit
It is good you raised them bilingual, I was wondering that after reading your post.
It is 16h driving from Copenhagen to Slovakia. That is not so bad, is it? You could even do that without a hotel stay, especially if you both drive. I frequently drive between my countries (Netherlands south west coast and Zaragoza province, north of Spain). That is 1 hotel stay (solo) or two (with family). Self driving EVs are coming in the next 5-10 years. It will become a lot easier and cheaper to hop between your countries.
Tsuki_Rabbit@reddit
OP is from Slovakia not Slovenia!
p3chapai@reddit
Oh shit I misread. Sorry - still the same point stands. I've been to Slovakia by the way, beautiful country but not really much more fun than Denmark.
Ladline69@reddit
So leave
BigBazook@reddit
Try Sweden ?
Helpful-Staff9562@reddit
Its totally normal to grow out of a place and wanting to moce out. Tboguh you say its expensive to move but to be honest whats the problem? Just lay for the one time .over, set up ypur life in the new desired country and start your life there! This big one time off cost will save you a life of pf potential depression os totally worth it
Pibagirlie@reddit
What was your experience there?
Helpful-Staff9562@reddit
I was much younger and a master student back in time there so it was a fun one but depressing when it comes to weather and "human touch" and fold (I'm from southern europe hence used to warm weather, great food and friendly people)
Pibagirlie@reddit
I get u I'm from Argentina and just visited Sicily a S getting back to Denmark was hard af
Helpful-Staff9562@reddit
Not relatedbut loved my visit to Argentina, I'm from italy so we're like brothers ;)
hudibrastic@reddit
It is like the Netherlands, those places suck your energy life
Impressive-Theory701@reddit
Sometimes living in a place loses its appeal, particularly as you get older and priorities change. It’s hardly a big move, but I moved from Manchester to London in 2010 and loved every minute of it. By 2020, I couldn’t stand the UK and wanted to leave, but it took five years for the stars to align for me to move abroad.
It’s good your husband is open to moving, as that means it probably will happen. Maybe patience is the way forward and keep trying. Can he do remote work?
RD4316@reddit
I completely feel you. I also miss real warmth. You can write to me, I think we are in similar situation
Intelligent_Bet9798@reddit
You have described what you do not like about living in your country of residence but also at the same time not what you truly want and where you want to be. It looks like internalised unhappiness more than an issue of a place of belonging. Winter and holidays time is thr time when signs of depression seem to appear more than other times of year.
I would go back to thinking about the reasons that made you move out of your country and weigh them against the reasons that you do still like about living Denmark. Are they still present, do they still matter, would they still resurface if you moved back? Does all the commodity that you have in Denmark is worth sacrificing of the things you are lacking in Denmark... hope it helps a bit..
bortukali@reddit
Psychology time lol
peamasii@reddit
Grass is always greener on the other side.
External-Coffee-2955@reddit (OP)
Very funny right