Need help surprising my wife by getting married again

Posted by InternalOpinion5410@reddit | Dallas | View on Reddit | 32 comments

So my wife and I got married when we were both 21, now 21 years later we need to get married again. We are both Catholic and did the marriage counseling back in the day (also both baptized, received 1st communion and confirmed) but unfortunately we were unable at the time to get married in a catholic church as we were both broke college students with a child on the way . I am hoping that a Catholic Priest would be able to marry us in the church in a quick ceremony to surprise my wife. Just a religious wedding ceremony needed as in Uncle Sam's eyes we have been married 21 years. We would have twelve people max at the ceremony and it could be any day or time that is convenient for the priest. Basically I want to tell her we are meeting friends for a nice meal and get married along the way with our friends as witnesses. The church we attend regularly is completely against the idea of me surprising my wife with this even though I know it would make her incredibly happy so I am looking to reddit for help. Doesn't have to be in Dallas willing to travel to make this happen

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32 Comments

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UnlikelyFactor7825@reddit

Does it have to be a Catholic Church ? If not I might be able to get my pastor to do that for you . May have to leave a donation for the church but I think he may do that for you

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ty944@reddit

I can’t give any recommendations to answer your question, but if y’all didn’t do it the way you wanted the first time why would you want to sporadically surprise her with an impromptu one a second time? Good luck!

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InternalOpinion5410@reddit (OP)

So she is a way better Catholic than me and goes to confession every week and confesses to the fact that we are living in sin because we weren't married in the catholic church, recently we got a new priest at church who is giving her a really hard time about it and won't absolve her of the sin and says that until we are married in the church we should not live as a married couple. She feels really bad about this and correcting the issue would make her incredibly happy.

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LilDebSez@reddit

If this priest knows, why not talk to him about getting married in the home church your wife goes to? I mean, the priest had to have a fix in mind when talking to her, surely he's not intent on damning her for so time. If this won't work, perhaps the Catholic Church is not a true home for your wife and you.

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CatteNappe@reddit

Sounds like the church is questioning the wisdom of doing this as a quick stop surprise. They have a point. Although I am not Catholic, more like long lapsed unchurched Protestant, my counseling experience suggests that surprises often do not make the recipient as happy as the person arranging the surprise supposes it will. In this case it seems your wife takes this situation extremely seriously, and you might want to consider working with her toward a serious solution arrived at together and with the guidance of her clergy person.

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InternalOpinion5410@reddit (OP)

She is completely on board with it happening and has even told me as much, she feels like if the new priest were to officiate the occasion would feel less of a celebration and more like a scolding, I told her I would try to figure something out, hence the post.

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Lung_doc@reddit

That's a completely different issue than your initial question though?

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CatteNappe@reddit

Then it won't be a surprise, right?

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InternalOpinion5410@reddit (OP)

The day it occurred and our friends meeting us there would be the surprise not the actual ceremony taking place at some point. Appreciate all of the questions, I feel my first post should have been a lot more detailed.

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AnastasiaNo70@reddit

Religion, man. But good on you for making her happy!!!

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New_Lingonberry_5239@reddit

It’s a lovely idea man but she might enjoy being included in the planning the anticipation is half the fun for some people.

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nelthropp@reddit

I had friends marry here in Dallas in the Catholic Church after living in sin unmarried legal or otherwise for 20 years with 4 kids. They were members of that church since she was a kid. That said I don’t think a Catholic Church takes walk in weddings. They still had to do the counseling before the wedding.

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syngyne@reddit

I mean, that would certainly be a surpr… oh, to *each other.* Carry on.

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InternalOpinion5410@reddit (OP)

Thanks everyone, I have contacted a church and am awaiting further steps.

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InternalOpinion5410@reddit (OP)

Was quoted 2.5k in donation fees to make this happen, starting to feel like more of a shake-down than a religious celebration.

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badlyagingmillenial@reddit

I think you should reconsider this being a surprise to your wife. She will want to be prepared, write vows ahead of time, wear a special dress, etc. I think your church was right to say no because your wife wouldn't know what she was walking into.

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PantherCityRes@reddit

One Catholic to another - it’s just gonna go down the way you want it. Dallas Diocese has a 6 month process that involves defacto approval from a Priest in a parish - it’s called convalidation. Fort Worth is even more strict with a requirement to complete a stupid NFP class… This of course doesn’t include all the bureaucracy of getting baptismal certificates and records of sacraments. My advice is to meet with a priest at your Parish, gather all the details and ask him about surprising her with starting the process blindly by just showing up to whatever pre-Cana or pre-marriage counseling before hand. Either that or meet with a Priest, put together the plan, with all the ducks in a row, all the paperwork and “propose” to her again that way. I know it sucks dude…but welcome to the institutional side of the Church, even if the Pope himself might argue you’ve already received the sacrament of marriage based on your union and how you live your lives as Catholics.

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Return-of-Trademark@reddit

That NFP class is now mandatory in Dallas as well

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Difficult_Dog9572@reddit

Came here to say just this. My wife and I are currently awaiting convalidation and it is an extensive and long process.

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InternalOpinion5410@reddit (OP)

Appreciate it, I am definitely feeling this way.

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LittleMissKnope@reddit

The Catholic Church fundamentally won’t let you have a surprise wedding. They want to make sure that everyone is fully aware of the commitment and on their own free will to give their full consent. (Someone could hypothetically be manipulated into getting married in such a situation, even if 99.9% of the time it’s just a fun surprise) If you’re wife is uncomfortable (or feeling admonished) by the current priest at your current parish, you could surprise her by doing the leg work to find another priest (such as a former pastor of yours or someone at another parish) to do the ceremony. Deacons can also preform weddings if you have one you’re familiar with. Also, this is a very common situation if that makes anyone less embarrassed. We went to the “engagement retreat” (a Saturday going over a few different church topics and some generic couples building stuff) at a large parish back and over half of the 40 or so couples were already legally married/had kids. (Some women were visibly pregnant). No one made a big deal about it. All the parishes in the diocese will have very similar base requirements for the precana process fyi.

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AdIndependent8674@reddit

Surprise is highly overrated. You're begging to turn a happy event into an emotional disaster.

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TiptoeingThruTonight@reddit

It can’t be done as a surprise. I got convalidation in Fort Worth a decade ago. It was a one-weekend class with other people in the same situation. As long as you’re both confirmed and have never been married to anyone else, it doesn’t have to be a long process. If there is a problem, consider asking the Ordinariate parishes in Arlington or Denison (or Fort Worth or Cleburne).

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deft_nebula@reddit

Got married a couple months ago, this is what we had to do to marry in a Catholic Church. 1. Both my wife and I had to gather our baptism and confirmation documents to present to the priest. 2. Had to schedule a meeting with a priest to confirm we were getting married “correctly” (in Catholicism’s point of view). He asked us questions separately during our meeting with him to make sure we were truly wanting to get married through the religious “route”. 3. You have to complete marital counseling classes OR you can complete a 2 day marriage retreat with your spouse to complete this task. They offer the retreat two times a year, and we completed this near Temple. 4. Once you complete the marital counseling classes or the retreat, you give the documentation you receive from these to your priest. 5. After doing all that, you can now get married through the church. It’s sweet wanting to surprise your partner with this, but it takes a lot of planning. It’s a much more serious thing to do, so there are a couple of steps you have to do before being able to walk down the aisle. Hope this helps!

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Exciting_Classic277@reddit

This title has so much more drama than the actual post

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patricknkelly@reddit

I’m a Catholic female and would not want this to be a surprise. I think you should definitely have a church ceremony but both need to be a part of the planning and have it at the church you attend. It will be a lot more meaningful that way.

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KnotDedYeti@reddit

In the 1980’s when the AIDS crisis was at peak and people were dying all the time the Catholic Churches would not have services for men who died of AIDS. It was despicable. A close friend of mine was dying and his one wish was to have his funeral in a Catholic Church with the full mass for his mom and grandma. We found one and only one that would do it. Cathedral of our Lady of Guadalupe in downtown Dallas on Ross Avenue. It’s a beautiful Mexican Catholic Church and they were so wonderful. You might give them a call, maybe they’d not try to run the usual Catholic grift that the rest of them all do.

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Wookiemom@reddit

Sorry I’m no help in finding a church but are you absolutely 100% sure that this event has to be a surprise? I ask because as a woman ( who had eloped, and then had a wedding in a temple) I would have wanted some say over my outfit, appearance, who was witnessing, where it was held, when ( time and date) etc etc. Would it be easier if you do the logistics of this ceremony with her knowledge and approval and then surprise her with a gift / fancy honeymoon experience? All the best to you and your wife and may you be blessed in every way.

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iammrsclean@reddit

I’d try Holy Trinity in Oak Lawn. Looser with the rules than conservative churches. Perhaps no Catholic Church would be ok with a surprise wedding, but you may can get a marriage blessing. You may not though—since you aren’t officially married in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

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satchel65@reddit

As a Catholic, the church doesn’t do drive-by weddings where one of the parties isn’t prepared. Just go through the priest and have the meetings and do the whole preparation. The actual ceremony can be as small as you decide. It does not need to be expensive or it can be. Up to you guys, but marriage is one of the seven sacraments and the church takes it VERY seriously. This will make your wife the happiest.

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satchel65@reddit

Oh, and I can tell you the two priests at St. Thomas Aquinas in East Dallas are very cool and you will not feel scolded.

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Lucyinthskyy@reddit

A Catholic priest will only marry you in a Catholic Church and there are protocols to follow that cannot be changed . They’re pretty strict about these things . I don’t think you’ll find what you’re looking for anywhere tbh . How about you just have a discussion with your wife and yall can plan a wedding the right way . She’ll probably be really excited about it .