Boomer parents are getting a divorce & as expected, it’s a dysfunctional toxic mess
Posted by dizzy_unicorn@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 49 comments
My parents are 70 yrs old, married almost 40 yrs & have been toxic almost their entire marriage( 2nd for both but my stepdad raised me so i consider him my dad). Much like many daughters my age, I have known about all their marital problems since i was a teenager.. if they were fighting my mom would give the entire house the silent treatment, both would tell me how they were leaving or whatever etc.. my older brother was always spared of this drama. 15 yrs ago my dad a stroke, sustained a TBI & it’s just gotten worse. There were happy years especially when they became grandparents but overall, the fighting continued.my father became an alcoholic post stroke and despite ultimatums & keeping the grandkids away he didn’t quit. With the drinking the fights became more explosive and they haven’t spoken in 3 yrs except to scream at each other.. yes that’s correct. They continued to live in the same house for 3 yrs, in complete silence or screaming. Absolute insanity. I have offered my mom help, a place to live if she wanted to leave but she only wanted to vent and complain and tell me over and over how she can’t wait for him to die and she’s gonna wait it out. Multiple times Over the last 3 years she has given me the silent treatment for months on end when she’s extra mad at him. . Missed holidays, blew me off when she was suppose to watch her granddaughter. She felt like she was entitled to the house and all the money bc she was being wronged so why should she leave? Well, the fighting became physical, there’s a restraining order and my dad is essentially homeless. Again, My mom isn’t talking to me bc she thinks I’m not “on her side ” bc I’m not full of vengeance and anger and hoping my dad dies on the street. Meanwhile, I’m not helping him.. i just call to check on him and make sure he’s alive and has somewhere to stay. I feel like absolute shit every day. I have cried about this, lost sleep, and have alot of anxiety about the situation I have not created and begged them to avoid. This could have been avoided with one mature conversation but they just couldn’t do it. These are 2 people who at one time were successful, functional adults who had jobs, put me and my brother through college and loved each other. I can’t believe this is happening in this way.. that they allowed it to get this bad.. I’m 47, with my own family and career and this continues to drain me. I’ll add my brother, who i get along w very well, has completely cut our dad off & plans to act like he never existed( I have watched him do this to many people). anyone else have to deal w parents divorcing this late in life? Any advice?
RicketyWickets@reddit
This is tragically common. We are in an epidemic of emotional immaturity. These books have helped me sort out some of my issues with my dysfunctional family of origin.
Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts (2017) by Harriet Lerner
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents (2015) by Lindsay Gibson
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (2018) by Pete Walker
No more Mr nice guy: A proven plan for getting what you want in love, sex, and life.(2000) by Dr. Robert Glover
GoldDiamondsAndBags@reddit
Thank you for these book recommendations. How do you get away with reading them and people seeing your book covers? I want to read all of them, but think my kids will thing I’ve gone insane.
I’m currently trying to graywall a narcissist husband after having to deal with all the emotional trauma dump of my parents divorce after 50 years of marriage. I will not make the same mistakes my mother made. And I’m raising to boys (a teen and a preteen). I’m so overwhelmed.
Sorry for the verbal diarrhea.
RicketyWickets@reddit
I listened to them all on audio free from the library on the Libby app.
callmebbygrl@reddit
I also recommend the follow-up to Adult Children of Immature Parents, called Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. I actually got more out of that one than I did from the first. The first book helps you identify with some certainty that you are, in fact, dealing with Emotionally Immature parents and realize the damage they have caused. The second book is more of a guide with action plans and steps you can take to actually address the issues your parents gave caused in your life, enabling you to begin healing and moving forward. I highly recommend utilizing this one too! The author, Lindsey C. Gibson, PsyD., has also been on a lot of podcasts talking about this subject. If you look her up on YouTube you will find a lot of things you can listen to or watch that might also be helpful!
Also, get the ebook or audiobook versions on your phone if you want the freedom to read without anyone seeing! Then you can read them anywhere, anytime, in public or around your husband, and nobody will ever know. Although I do agree that it's good for your boys to know and understand. If you have the ebooks instead of hard copies sitting around, you can have the conversations on your own time and on your own terms and you can be prepared for it.
I truly wish you all the best. I have a narc ex-husband and a narc ex-fiance, and it has taken me several years since the last one ended to finally feel like I'm on more solid ground again. It's a process, and I hope you remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself a lot of grace as you work through it! It also helped me realize what I had been dealing with since childhood and that my mother was the reason I attracted these people into my life in the first place. It's been an unexpected snowball effect, but I am (emotionally and mentally, at least) in a much better place at 43 than I've ever been, so I'm counting it as a win! You deserve to break the cycle your mother started, and to set a good example for your sons as they grow into men.
Inside_Drummer@reddit
Maybe let them see you reading them so they know it's ok to work on yourself and care about yourself.
Serene_FireFly@reddit
I second this. My kid is 21 and I do explain to him that while I really did try to do my best, I know I fucked it up sometimes and caused damage I didn't mean to cause. It's ok for him to talk to a therapist to break out of those thought patterns I or his father (or whoever else) caused. It's more than ok, in fact.
GoldDiamondsAndBags@reddit
That’s actually a really good idea. I’m always so worried about what others think…I think it’s time I start setting a better example for my boys.
Thank you 💕
Potential_Shelter624@reddit
Ditto ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. My mother literally threw a tantrum when she saw it on my coffee table LMFAO. It was hilarious because she couldn’t stop herself from yelling: WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS?! & I know she realized the irony and still couldn’t hold back.
tracyveronika@reddit
That is hilarious.
Xennials-ModTeam@reddit
This content has been removed as it is better suited for professionals/those with specialized expertise.
Please discuss all concerns with a medical/health professional.
Potential_Shelter624@reddit
I always thought my grandparents stayed together to torture each other. I honestly think it’s a huge motivation for a lot of old people.
tracyveronika@reddit
Mine did too. They hated each other but were married for almost 70 years. I suppose you would be very sick of a person after those many years. But they weren't compatible.
Key-Support-8714@reddit
t them deal with their own mess, not your circus, not your monkeys
VectorJones@reddit
I was in this boat 18 years ago. My parents always had a contentious marriage and it almost got to divorce multiple times. Yet for some reason they stayed together for 35 years. By my early 30s they were finally on the rocks. My dad already had one foot in the grave with a bum ticker. He was depressed and moody all the time and my mother just didn't have the energy or will to deal with it. So she sends him packing back to Michigan where he was born and raised, and starts the process of divorce. He goes back and essentially commits a slow suicide, not taking his meds or eating right. He's dead by 2008, before the divorce paperwork had even gotten filed.
The best advice I can give in such a situation is to be honest with yourself. If you have or don't have affection for a parent, don't try to pretend otherwise. If one or both of them has said or done something you find reprehensible, don't ignore it for the sake of some imaginary notion of harmony. What they do to each other is beyond your control, but if they try to take their problems out on you or try to drag you into the middle of their divorce, don't play along. Ultimately, you need to be looking after yourself during this time, because they're going to be too busy going after each other to give a damn what it all does to you.
dizzy_unicorn@reddit (OP)
I’m sorry about your dad. I feel like this is what my dad has been doing health wise especially the last 3 yrs. Can i ask you- how did you get over the saddness of watching it all happen?
VectorJones@reddit
The irony was that I was also going through a divorce of my own at the time, so I was pretty solidly distracted from their thing by that.
As for my parents, their situation was much like with your parents, namely that all of us looking at them from the outside in had known for many years that they were utterly dysfunctional and always had been. So when their marriage finally came apart, it was something we considered well past due.
My mother was pretty gung ho about ending it, so there wasn't much agonizing coming from her. As for my dad, I had never had much of a relationship with him. He was the hair-trigger, tyrannical type who never showed much love or affection to any of us. So I had very little cause to consider him at all.
Their whole marriage was just a miserable situation that had caused them and their children a ton of pain and resentment. There never was much impetus to feel any sadness about it ending. It was something that needed to happen.
FreeElleGee@reddit
I’m your age, but my parents divorced when I was in university. It was just as toxic, if not more so than your parents. And guess what? 26 years later, they are exactly the same. Can’t be in a room together. Recently my mother was mad because my dad hadn’t died yet, because she wanted to dance on his grave. It’s ridiculous. Best thing you can do is be more like your brother.
Thin-Spot1678@reddit
Sounds like your brother got it figured out. As someone with similar shitty inlaws I'd follow his lead before they drag their shit into your house and fuck it up.
dizzy_unicorn@reddit (OP)
I really wish i was like my brother and Im just not. I have never had the ability to act like someone doesn’t exist and just stop worrying. I have always been jealous of this trait. We are polar opposites. I worry about everyone, even people who don’t give an f about me
elsie78@reddit
It's also conditioned into girls to keep the peace, overlook people's behavior and tolerate, be the caregiver etc.
But that doesn't mean you have to do these things at the expense of your own feelings.
NYCWriterOfAllThings@reddit
Learn to be more like him; you'll be doing yourself a favor.
Karrik478@reddit
Harsh truth time.
Worrying about people like that is not a positive trait. It is controlling and is denying them independent agency.
You are not responsible for the world and your impact on it is insignificant in the wider scheme.
You need to let go.
Morriganx3@reddit
This sounds like the result of growing up with toxic parents. If you haven’t had any therapy to work through it, now would be the time. Your own kids will thank you for it. Really.
CSWorldChamp@reddit
I feel you on the shitty in-laws. My sister in law has been diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder, but she’s not the problem. The problem my father in law, who surely has the same thing undiagnosed. He has always treated my mother in law like complete garbage, verbal and sometimes physical abuse, following her, keeping tabs on her cell phone, wild accusations, he won’t even speak to her side of the family, doesn’t want her talking to them on the phone in his presence, also won’t leave so she can talk on the phone with them.
To make matters worse, my MIL now has Alzheimer’s, and what was mostly just a shitty marriage is quickly turning a corner into elder abuse. She can’t defend herself from his gaslighting anymore; she has trouble remembering things as it is. She’s already an alcoholic (probably to cope with all the abuse) and lately she’s talking about not wanting to live.
I’m like, “babe, if you’re ever wondering if I love you, just recall that I’m willing to stand next to that.”
Exciting-Argument-67@reddit
What a situation. This must be so hard on you. My sympathies.
russ257@reddit
So he had a stroke and a traumatic brain injury and his personality changed and he became an alcoholic. Did anybody go to a doctor after that?
dizzy_unicorn@reddit (OP)
Yes… he picked and choose what drs he listened to. I’m an RN so I’m very aware of neurologically what was happening.. which may be why I’m slightly empathetic to him in this case. But he didn’t want to hear what I had to say and refused to try any meds. Most of the time he said the dr was a quack and didn’t know what they were talking about.
MartinMerten@reddit
I’ll play devils advocate. This could be your chance to really take a full step ahead of your brother. Think about it.
Potential Flairs: Family is worth fighting for. Break the cycle. Hurt people hurt people. Be better. Ignoring problems is a problem you can’t ignore. Choose Life your mother did.
I started using ”What am I missing here?” during arguments and it kinda works. Go talk to your parents if you think it’s the right thing to do. And who knows maybe fucking David gets forgotten in the will… who knows no big whoop.
dizzy_unicorn@reddit (OP)
Over the last 3 years I’ve had numerous talks w my mom about how the trash talking affects me, how the silent treatment is damaging our relationship and how I’m distancing myself more and more. It always seemed like she was hearing me out, but no behaviors changed
Slownavyguy@reddit
My parents were married for 43 years when they got a divorce. My mom has since passed, but it was still awful for my sister and I. After some years, we looked back and saw that some of what transpired was probably due to early (ish) dementia setting in for my mom. Makes sense now looking back but at the time we didn't realize it.
NYCWriterOfAllThings@reddit
Just focus on your own family. Be grateful for them and build your family in the image you want to create in collaboration with your wife. Fuck 'em.
elsie78@reddit
Sounds like they're both toxic AF. You're right to stay out of it. Do not bring your dad into your house even for one night. It'll snowball.
Your job is to protect yourself and YOUR nuclear family's peace now. Your parents can figure it all out on their own, or not. But it's not your job to fix it or clean up after them.
dizzy_unicorn@reddit (OP)
I agree about not letting him come to my house… i already made that decision. As crappy as it made me feel. My father isn’t saying anything bad about her when i call.. it’s more just a quick check in.
Serene_FireFly@reddit
I agree with this and it was the only way I stayed sane when my parents divorced when I was in my early 20s and my mother, in particular, tried to treat me like a friend and/or therapist by talking shit about my dad. I've had a complicated relationship with both of them, my entire life (very late in life diagnosed AuDHD which made my entire life - especially my childhood - make so much sense, but it also put a spotlight on alot of neglect and abuse I experienced from my parents because I was "weird"). So, I wasn't on anyone's side, but I also didn't want to be in the middle. So, I had to draw that very firm boundary and it ended up as a period of no contact with my mother, because she just couldn't NOT shit talk him or provide horrifically detailed accounts of their bedroom activities and her speculating if he was gay or not (Mother, you've been married to him for 25 years, if either one of us should know he's gay, why the fuck would it be me and why are we talking about this?)
Tell both of the you don't want to discuss the other and that it's unfair of them to expect you to pick sides between your parents and if they can't respect that boundary, that you can't be involved with him/her/either of them, until they can. Do not threaten, go full grey rock if they can't appreciate your stance.
And yes, for the love of god, go to therapy. That's not an aspersion, but I haven't met one person that couldn't benefit from therapy, particularly as it pertains to their parents. Lots of them try to do their best by us, but good lord, they do a lot of damage, even if some/most of it is inadvertent.
echosrevenge@reddit
Huh, I didn't know I had a sister in addition to the brother I didn't know about until age 25.
It took 10 years of not talking to my mom, and her realizing that oh shit I really won't ever let her meet her only grandchild if she can't keep a lid on it for long enough to visit. We've had 2 short visits in the last few years, stomped hard on her lovebombing our kid, and things are....OK enough for a short weekly phone call.
Boundaries matter.
Serene_FireFly@reddit
I've gone NC with both of them. My father because he's definitely where the 'tism came from and has the emotional depth of a brick and wields his words like a hammer. I tried to olive branch it a couple times, but between him and his wife, yeah, pass. Haven't spoken to them since my 21 year old was 6 months old.
With my mother...the heinous shit (unrelated to my father, but some of the most racist and homophobic vitriol that I've heard in person) that came out of her mouth at my Christmas dinner table a few years ago really did in that relationship. She then invited herself a 6 hour drive to my house, TWICE (once where I told her specifically not to come and why - and it wasn't for shits and grins, it was during covid and would have had repercussions to my military spouse on top of really just not wanting her there, and once where I was already fully NC and she showed up entirely unannounced). I didn't answer either time. Now I'll randomly get a phone call from her, her husband, or a random number from one of the area codes from where they live. It goes to voice mail. I pondered getting a PO Box where we were living and having the mail forwarded from the old house to the PO Box and from there to our new home just to be doubly sure she couldn't find me again. I didn't, but only because I'm a cheap ass.
I only started in therapy (and got my diagnoses) after the first unexpected visit and the panic/anxiety/guilt it caused because I would NEVER have put up with that level of disrespect from anyone else, but it's my mom, right? RIGHT? Surely, it was my fault and I was in the wrong from setting/holding that boundary and disrespecting her (and that was the earful I got from her and my aunt - who she picked up on her way to "visit" and didn't tell her she was actively NOT invited to my home at the time). While my therapist obviously can't give a diagnosis without having met my mother, all the signs are there that she's dealing with borderline personality disorder and god help me if I ever approached her with the fact she might benefit from therapy, much less that she might have some disordered behavior patterns that are harmful to both herself and others around her.
Deadyard@reddit
Mine divorced three years ago after 40 years of marriage. They've hated each other's guts for as long as I can remember, so I'm not so sure why they waited until they were retirement age to do it. My mom was in a pretty bad headspace when the divorce was going down, even though it was her idea, but both seem a lot happier now. I'm not thrilled about the financial situation they've both left themselves in. Dad lives in a camper and has a small retirement account, and Mom has a paid off house that needs a ton of maintenance, and no other real assets. They are both incredibly immature, so it was rough listening to them disparage each other, and I heard things about their personal lives noone should ever have to know about their parents.
Objective-Amount1379@reddit
Why is your dad forced out of the house? You can have a restraining order that requires "peaceful contact". Meaning both people can remain in the home.
I don't think this is uncommon unfortunately. My parents were similar. I severally limited contact with my mother. It sounds like your dad is more vulnerable because of the housing situation so personally I would probably maintain a relationship with him
dizzy_unicorn@reddit (OP)
In NJ if there’s a restraining order you can’t be in contact at all or within a certain amount of soace. I’m not sure why you got downvoted but what you said is how i feel with my dad.. he’s just more vulnerable right now. Both are wrong.. both caused this.
Verbull710@reddit
"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun."
Pass that on to Papi and give him a thumbsup 👍
"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand"
Pass that on to Mother Dearest and give her the A-Ok sign 👌
Verbull710@reddit
Message me for more tips and tricks 👍👌
TrixieLaBouche@reddit
My mum (72) decided to tell me earlier this year she wanted to leave my father (79) and move back to her home city. She said she was going to force my father to sell the house they've lived in since 1990 and buy her own place.
I was devastated.
After a lot of crying and both sides trying to tell me their story I calmy and succinctly said I'd be there for them both whatever happened but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with their drama.
I'm 44, I have a son and I do not need this crap. I suggest you do the same and let it play out.
theshub@reddit
Fuck both those people. Life is too short.
Southside_john@reddit
Could be worse. Your boomer parents could have divorced when you were 5. Your dad could have been drunk when you were a kid. They could have been toxic and constantly fought with each other and threatened each other with trying to get custody of you when you were a kid while at the same time neglecting you when they did have you. You could have been forced to raise yourself. Neither one could have given a dime to get you through college because saving for it never even crossed their mind. Then when you got older they still don’t see their grandchildren and are both bums who have no savings and can’t take care of themselves.
PacketFiend@reddit
What an insulting comment. How the hell do you think "Well, other people had it worse" will help this person?
You are dismissing their issues as irrelevant, and adding nothing of value to this conversation.
toomuchtv987@reddit
None of this is at all helpful.
Far-Watercress6658@reddit
My advice is to go NC with your mum.
___cats___@reddit
Mine are 75 and 70 and they just recently separated. Not diverted and likely won’t ever get divorced (because at that point, why?), but they live in different houses. My mom couldn’t handle my dad being home all the time. They’ll get together for family things or dinner sometimes. My dad wanted nothing to do with it, it was all her. He was blindsided.
ilikehistoryandtacos@reddit
My parents divorced when I was 23, and they were 49. 26 years of marriage) So not nearly as long as your situation. It affected me because my mom wanted me to be on her side in everything and was mad that no one ended up siding with her ( I have an older sister). They fought a lot the last five years they were together. Tried counseling separate and together but it didn’t help because neither wanted to listen or change.
What helped me was going to counseling for myself, and leaning on friends and my sister. ( I was single). I am now no contact with my mom and my husband has been very support of me over the 10 years we have been together.