TW Depressing topic: How are you handling holidays after losing a parent?
Posted by Purple-flying-dog@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 85 comments
We are at an age where many of us are starting to lose our aging parents and it fucking sucks. This is my second holiday season without my mom. Last year I totally understood why I wasn’t in the holiday spirit. I’d hoped it would come back but this year, nada. My young adult and teenager offspring put up the holiday decor because I didn’t have the mental energy. We used some of mom’s decorations which I thought would help but only made it worse. Thanksgiving morning started with a sobbing session, but I got through the rest of the day ok.
I put on a happy face for my family but I feel hollow inside. The magic of Christmas is gone. Will it come back? Those who have been down this shitty road, any advice?
Roobix9@reddit
I wasn't close with my mom and her death still impacted (and continues to impact) me. That was twelve years ago.
She never met my children.
Grief is a strange thing. It can ebb and flow and hit you at seemingly random times.
My only advice is: give yourself some grace. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. It takes as long as it takes. Allow yourself to feel. If you think your feelings are impacting your ability to function, you may wish to talk to a therapist. You're not doing anything wrong.
I have nothing but love and hugs for you, internet stranger. I hope it warms your heart a bit to see all the support you have here. 💜
Purple-flying-dog@reddit (OP)
Thank you kind stranger. I like that this thread has given many people space to share and grieve and see that we aren’t alone.
basahahn1@reddit
This was my first thanksgiving without my mom.
I woke up sobbing I to my pillow.
I’m still so sad
hop123hop223@reddit
Same. Had a good cry in the shower, cried while making the green bean casserole, cried a little at Thanksgiving. Crying right now just thinking about it.
Roobix9@reddit
Hugs
basahahn1@reddit
Every time I revisit the comment I stay to cry again.
We’ll get there ❤️
Roobix9@reddit
Hugs
realauthormattjanak@reddit
I'm 45, lost both at 14 and 31, so this is nothing new to me. It sucks, I generally hate Christmas now, BUT, my family loves it, and because I'm a man, I stfu and mush on.
Spamberguesa@reddit
Is there anyone you can talk to about that? Going through year after year hating the holiday season is a tragic way to have to live -- you deserve better than that. I'm sure your family would say the same, if they knew.
realauthormattjanak@reddit
Nope. Remember, as a man, although it sounds trite and cliché, that's only because it's true, nobody cares. It's either a pissing contest about trauma or "aren't you over that yet?", so, I just yell into the void, engage in dark humor when able, and occasionally complain on the inner-net.
pug_fugly_moe@reddit
It’s weird, man. My mom died on October 15th, just 5 days after my last grandparent. Honestly, I haven’t grieved my grandmother’s death; I know it sounds callous, but I’m relieved more than anything because she was 97 and her best years were well behind her.
That said, Day of the Dead hit me hard this year. (My family is from Mexico.) I was okay on Thanksgiving, and I’ll probably be fine on Christmas. But moving forward, Day of the Dead is going to be a heavy day for me.
Grief is such an unpredictable and personal journey. You can be totally fine one moment and something benign can be a trigger, and that’s okay.
I hope you can find some peace these days, and your mom would be honored that you’re thinking of her. May her memory be a blessing.
darkandy132@reddit
I lost my dad in 2014. In January. H e had cancer. He was so bad off they didn’t think he’d make it to Christmas. Christmas has meant nothing to me since. I realized last year. It was him. He brought the true spirit of Christmas. I found out like 2 years ago he socked away like 10% of his pay until September when he did Christmas shopping when we were kids. We always had huge Christmases. Huge meal, big gifts from Santa and socks and underpants from him. He loved it. I don’t care for it. My love for Christmas died with him.
Coco_Cokie_Cookie@reddit
When I was 18 my dad got into a car accident on thanksgiving. He never recovered and passed around the new year. It has gotten easier but I dislike the holidays and prefer to be alone.
springsummerfall2016@reddit
47f here. My dad died when I was 25. As time has passed, so has the hurt. My mom remarried and has been married to the asshole for 19 years. He has caused so much disfunction and estrangement between my mom and me, my son, my aunts, uncles and cousins. She recently fell and the ER doctor originally thought she had a heart attack. Thankfully she didn't. I have been trying to contact her and be in touch, more than I have because I realized that I am not ready to give up on her. She is now in a rehab facility. I only realized this past week that she has early to mid stage dementia. I am so sad and angry. Her husband is failing at taking care of her and I am so livid. If I express any of my anger though, her husband will find a way to keep me away. I was excited about celebrating the holidays with my family this year but after seeing my mother and her physical condition, I am sad and enraged.
techieveteran@reddit
I lost my mom in 2008. I’m about to reach the age I’ve had her not in my life than had
ServinBallSnacks@reddit
Just lost my dad 2 weeks ago. “Hollow inside” is exactly how I feel. Came back home to the wife and kids and still feel absolutely nothing. To the point where I’m wondering if I’m just broken and even worth living the life I’ve had up to this point. I want to live, I’m just not sure I want to live the life I have been. This holiday season just seems….wrong? I feel bad bc I can’t be the dad/husband they need right now and maybe never again, I don’t know
aconsul73@reddit
It's absolutely normal to have brain fog, to forget, to get tired after a loss. Absolutely 100% normal.
I called it my "emotional concussion" and treated it as such. If I got the bare minimum done each day, that was enough.
I read (listened really) to audiobooks on grief to help understand what was happening to me but also to understand I was not alone in facing these symptoms.
Purple-flying-dog@reddit (OP)
Hang in there! The first couple months were the worst. I felt completely disconnected from everything. Your kids and wife need and love you.
aconsul73@reddit
Lost both parents in 2020. This is probably the first year ai didn't have a few days where grief brought it me down.
Simple rules I follow:
ThunderBayOPP@reddit
I volunteer for a hospice. Your entire post should be required reading for anyone experiencing grief. ♥️
aconsul73@reddit
Feel free to copy, share and use however you like.
Nothing I said is original - all of it comes from reading and listening to books on grief and what was shared in peer support groups.
DocBEsq@reddit
My dad died almost 16 years ago, and this post has me crying. You don’t get over it, and I wish more people accepted that.
I’m sorry for your loss but I’m thankful you posted what you did here.
aconsul73@reddit
You are welcome. And you are heard. Thank you and sorry for your loss.
SimpleVegetable5715@reddit
I lost my dad in 2014, there was life when he was alive, and there’s life after he’s gone. It changed forever.
NostalgiaDad@reddit
Wife lost her mom in 2012 and I lost my dad in 2015. Just wanted to say that this comment has been my experience as well. It really does get better but sometimes the saddest part is I can't remember what my Dad sounds like anymore. Other times the saddest part is my kids won't ever know of him outside of ol pictures and stories. We need to start giving people more emotional space for grief instead of shaming them into silence.
WasteOfBerries@reddit
100%.
I had a school co-op with a hospital Chaplin when I was a teen, who taught me that everyone grieves in their own way and we should never invalidate anyone's method. What works for one might not work for another, and that's okay. He said the best thing we can to do support people in their grief is to just be present with them in the moment; to listen without judgment and help people feel heard.
ThunderBayOPP@reddit
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. ♥️
TheWildTofuHunter@reddit
Thank you for this wonderful comment. “Get over it” refers only to bridges and crosswalks.
AggravatedOtters@reddit
We just buried my mother-in-law on Friday. My mother passed away 3 years ago on the exact same day. I think it's safe to say that we are done with celebrating Thanksgiving.
nutbiggums@reddit
I lost my dad to suicide 6 years ago and it comes in waves. Sometimes I don't get crushed when I think of him and other times my day is just over. We had thanksgiving with my mom and this year I just lost it, didn't say anything but sat alone by myself. So hard to get through it sometimes. But I allow myself the space and grieve. Over time it happens less, but will always happen and I've come to understand that's just normal and I'm ok.
cloudydays2021@reddit
They always say that the first year is the hardest - getting through holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc but I found that the second year after my dad died was actually a lot more difficult. It was almost like for the first year, I was in a fog and a bit numb and unbelieving. The second year was like “holy shit, this is real…he isn’t going to be at any celebrations anymore”
It’s now been seven years and it does get easier to cope, but I still have a little short cry on holidays sometimes. I lit a candle for him on Thanksgiving as I found myself walking past a random church and felt compelled to go in and do that; we aren’t religious but I was drawn to do it, so I did. And I cried. And that helped.
It took maybe 3 years for me to acknowledge and watch the movies and tv specials that we always watched together, and to bother with decorating. I just do some minimal decorating these days. The last Christmas tree I ever had was one I decorated with my dad a few months before he died. It still feels weird to think about getting a tree, so I just don’t bother.
I’ve embraced some new traditions - watching holiday movies that came out in recent years, that were never a part of our time together. Only a couple of years ago was I able to watch ones from when I was a kid. New recipes, but also making one dish that he always loved. Saying “no” to holiday events that I genuinely don’t want to attend, and instead opt for something more peaceful, like a good walk through a neighborhood to look at houses lit up with decorations or just hang at home with a book and some tea. I also donate to our local pantry in memory of him. Knowing that people are getting nourishing food in his name gives me a sense of calm. Some years I take out photos from holidays when I was a kid; some years it’s too painful. You just have to find your own path with a level of grief this difficult to process 💔
OP, I am so truly sorry for your loss. I hope that the rest of this holiday season is easy on you, and that your family helps you through it. Only a few more weeks and then the holidays will be behind you 💕
SimpleVegetable5715@reddit
The first year, people are still being gentle with you. When the loss is fresh, there’s more support. It’s when everyone else moves on, that the loneliness from losing them really sinks in.
Eureka05@reddit
Condolences to everyone who had good relationships with their parents.
I'm honestly relieved myself for not having to deal with it
I still have a step-mom who just invited herself to my brother's place over Christmas. Guess I will have to go visit
unbalancedcentrifuge@reddit
Lost my mom in '09 and my dad in '20. I really am glad to have my siblings. We happily share our memories, and we also share our grief. Not to mention, we can easily see our parents in each other. It still sucks but it is better to have people that share the same memories.
Ethel_Marie@reddit
This year was my first without my mom. Her only sibling died this year as well. I hadn't planned on celebrating at all, but my aunt would have been alone in the same month as my uncle's birthday because everyone else decided to be somewhere else. My husband and I celebrated with her. We had a great time! She made us the best blackened salmon.
We're planning on being with her for Christmas. I hope the rest of the family isn't there.
MomIsFunnyAF3@reddit
This is my first holiday season without my mom. She died in July at 68. I had Thanksgiving at my house with a small menu but Christmas will have more. My family and friends came and we had a blast. I had a pic of my mom on both tables and we sat around telling stories for a while. Hopefully Christmas and future holidays are like this.
It did feel the slightest but weird without her. I'm just doing what I can to make things a little better this year.
No_repeating_ever@reddit
My mom passed 6 years ago and I’m still having a hard time. I reorganized the attic looking for Christmas decorations that I’m not feeling and found a box of photos from my dad of my mom when they were married that I never looked at because it wasn’t a good time. Today wasn’t a good time either.
olduglysweater@reddit
My mom was a JW, so Christmas or really any holiday was of no interest to her. So I have no grief tied to that.
However, I wanna say that you should make space to grieve how you want to, don't let anyone tell you how you should mourn loss. It's not their business.
ericthepilot2000@reddit
Lost my Mom this year. We didn't bother with Thanksgiving, and I'm still staring at the same still in pieces Christmas tree I have for days. Doesn't feel like much of a point, really.
xmadjesterx@reddit
Father passed away in 96 when I was 14. My older sister passed in 99. My mother passed away this Easter, and my aunt passed away in October. I'm all that's left now. I worked on Thanksgiving, so that was a nice distraction, but I don't know how I'm going to handle Christmas this year.
I usually go to see my in-laws Christmas Day. I'm going to try this year, but I told my wife that I'd be driving separately if things go south. I certainly don't want to bring them down due to me being depressed
HicJacetMelilla@reddit
The first few years were the hardest for sure. Many tears shed over missing my dad.
Every year has gotten a little easier. This year (and more recently in general) I’ve cried because we always spend the holidays with my in-laws. Besides the fact that I don’t get along great with them, having to pack up everyone and go to them or hosting them at Christmas is just a reminder that my dad is dead. And they get every holiday with my kids by default, and my dad never got to meet his grandchildren. He loved spending the holidays together, with me, and now I spend my holidays with a family that doesn’t care about me as much as they care about my husband and my children. So I cried on Wednesday.
But on the day I just try to embrace where we are, reminisce a little, feel gratitude for the years we had together and everything he taught me, and tell my kids memories of Thanksgivings when I was growing up.
It can feel heavy being that bridge between the past and future, but I love it a little.
Few-Helicopter-3413@reddit
I lost my dad just before the holidays very suddenly, and I genuinely don’t remember anything about last Christmas. This year our family is making the holidays extra nice to differentiate from “Crappy Christmas” last year (my teen’s phrase for it) and doing all my dad’s favorite things. It hurts like hell, but pretending he was never here hurts so much more.
Social_throwaway244@reddit
You do not need to be at home, be a snowbird. Go on vacation and enjoy your life in a nice place.
PersianCatLover419@reddit
That is a good idea.
PersianCatLover419@reddit
Both of my parents are gone. I send out Christmas cards to cousins and friends, or call them, and give small inexpensive gifts to friends, and decorate minimalist for Christmas just a small tree and some Christmas cat tea towels, and I enjoy the snow and cold weather.
MushroomAdjacent@reddit
I lost my dad a couple months ago. Not one of my friends gave a shit, and I've lost all of them, too. I've started trying to make new connections, but it's hard for many reasons.
I started attending grief groups. Heartlight, the organization I like had some specifically for the holidays, both virtual and in person. I also have a talk therapist and an EMDR therapist that all help. I agree with others that grief has no timeline, and I think grief changes you forever. But I think actively working through it helps and keeps you from getting "stuck* in it forever.
Puglet_7@reddit
My Mom will die today. Alzheimer’s. I’m stuck at home in a snow storm and can’t be there.
My Mom loved Christmas as definitely would want us to celebrate big this year. I spent every Christmas Day with my Mom for all of my adult life.
So we’re finishing Christmas decorations and lights today, making a big dinner waiting for the call.
Christmas Day my Dad will coming. A new tradition is born and I’m excited for that.
I’ve had many years to prepare for the end. At this point it’s only humane she goes. Alzheimer’s is awful.
beccadahhhling@reddit
I’ve been there. One of the best things I did was to shake up the holiday routine.
You’re always going to be chasing those happy memories you made with your family that have passed away. If you continue the same routine every holiday, it’ll just become a comparison between the years. And of course, nothing will ever seem as good as the years they were here with you.
The first Thanksgiving we had after losing my dad and brother, we actually went out to eat instead of making dinner. Thanksgiving was my dad and brother’s favorite holiday and it was just too much to sit there like normal without them. So we went to a very fancy hotel that was serving a lovely buffet for Thanksgiving and had a great time. It helped break up the monotony and made it seem ok to smile and enjoy our time a little bit instead of being surrounded by old memories that made us feel sad.
Maybe try getting away for the holidays. Go somewhere unexpected and enjoy your time. If that’s not feasible, try making new holiday traditions. Find different events or happenings around you that you’ve never done.
bloodpriestt@reddit
Mom died when I was 16, so I guess I was kinda lucky (?) because I only remember like 10 holiday seasons while she was alive and I was sentient.
So I got to make my own traditions etc.
BugEquivalents@reddit
The holidays feel so empty without my mom. We still get together with my dad but it’s all of us just going through the motions. We haven’t gathered for thanksgiving in 2 years and I feel like Christmas isn’t far behind. I’ve always felt depressed around the holidays, and now it’s just amplified. It’s not something I look forward to.
drifterinthedark423@reddit
I lost a parent 16 years ago around Thanksgiving. My husband lost one parent 17 years ago around Christmas time, and the other about three years ago. Between the two of us, we have one living parent left. We are 43 years old.
I would like to tell you that it gets easier. For me, some years are harder than others, even now. I have a very small family. No siblings, no children. I try to be very generous with the family I do have left. I take part in work festivities. But I will be completely honest with you, the holidays will never be the same for me. My only advice is to surround yourself with the people you love, try to relax as much as you can. The less stress the better. Make new traditions, and keep it simple. Especially since your loss is so fresh. Also, try not to overindulge if you can help it. Overeating, or drinking too much will absolutely not help. Therapy, self care, laughing and gratitude are far better.
Angis3000@reddit
Thank you for your honesty. It’s just my husband and me, and our parents are all in their 80s. I have a lot of anxiety about holidays in the future.
drifterinthedark423@reddit
I understand. Sometimes I get really anxious about what is going to happen when my mother passes, and we have nobody left other than distant cousins. I think the best I can do is try and live in the moment, and enjoy the time I have with her in the present. It is very hard to think about. And really scary. But I guess it is just part of being alive. I know that's not very comforting, but it is the truth.
Side note, one of the pluses of having no children is that traveling to distant lands is a possibility for future holiday celebrations!
Angis3000@reddit
Excellent advice— and yes, that does sound tempting!
fauxshoyall@reddit
Lost my mom on Halloween 2018 and my little brother in May 2019. They're the only family I give a crap about (I loved them very much).
The holidays are hard still - not as hard usually. I spend about 3 weeks taking my emotional temperature to see if I'll be putting out the Xmas decorations. More often than not it's a no because seeing the past brings on big feelings and I'm lazy - grief didn't change this. (I live alone and it is all me all the time.)
I second what folks have said about groups. I lost my little brother to suicide and the American Society for Suicide Prevention has a Survivor Day before the holidays get underway. Groups are helpful.
Don't be hard on yourself. 💛
bug1402@reddit
I lost my mom 20 years ago and my Dad 3 years ago (although in some ways more like 8).
The first year was rough. There was all the anticipation leading up to it, having to do it without them, people checking on me (this is a double edged sword IMO. It's nice to be thought of, but sometimes you were having a good day and then get the reminder from someone checking in. It sucks), etc.
2nd year was also hard because it became "real" and everyone expects you to be better.
There are years I am a sobbing mess for the holidays or just "don't feel it" and there are years I go all out and fully feel into it again. There is no real rhyme or reason. It's stress, family, depression, etc and where I'm at personally. But it is never really the same. Make your own traditions, hold onto the ones that mean the most to you and your kids. My best advice is to go small on the hard years and all out on the good ones.
SighRisk@reddit
I'm so sorry for your loss, it's truly heartbreaking. It's hard, plain and simple. I lost both my parents in the last four years. I go through the motions for the kids, but inside, like you said, I still feel a bit hollow and it could just be my new normal. It's important that you connect with others that can relate, that's how I've been able to cope. Sending you so much love.
sherahero@reddit
Both my parents passed before I was 25. You get used to it. I create or continue traditions for my children.
DocBEsq@reddit
16 years ago, my dad was in a coma for Christmas (he died two months later). We went insane, In a good way. We literally moved our already over-the-top celebration into his ICU room, rolling presents in in wheelchairs, putting on music, having a tree.
I highly recommend insanity. We actually had fun — as much as possible anyway — and we gave the hospital staff a holiday to remember. I never want to do it again, but I’m glad we did it.
The Christmas after he was gone was just a blur. We had a new baby in the family (first grandchild was 6 weeks old) so everyone was overwhelmed and trying too hard. My mom broke down while making dinner. I don’t think I really enjoyed any presents.
But it got a lot better every year after that.
flowbkwrds@reddit
I lost my dad right after New Years 8yrs ago. The holidays haven't felt the same since. Tried to fake it the first few years. Then started to travel during the holidays and get away from everyone which was really nice. I met quite a few holiday travelers who are doing it for the same reasons. It's a good option I think. One year I had a promising relationship and was actually looking forward to spending the holidays with family and stuff. The holidays are really hard for many people for many different reasons and can really do number on mental health. It's ok to not enjoy them and do what you have to do to get through them. Try different things until you find something that works.
AlDef@reddit
Grief is so incredibly tough. I lost my mom in 2023 and keep expecting to feel “better” but it still sucks and i miss her every single day, even more so at the holidays. Sorry, no advice just solidarity.
Purple-flying-dog@reddit (OP)
Sometimes solidarity is better than pity. Knowing I’m not alone. Hugs to you.
dudesmama1@reddit
I feel this. I lost my dad 5 years ago and my mom almost 3 years ago, and I still get holiday funk.
My advice is to start new traditions and/or carry on the old. My siblings are my saving grace because we can reminisce.
Take some time for yourself. Massage, get hair or nails done, etc.
Also, it is acceptable to just grieve. The pain of loss becomes less all-encompassing as time goes on, but it never completely disappears. There are days where my whole body and soul ache for my mom and dad.
Fit_Extent_1254@reddit
My dad died when I was 17, mom died in 2016.
My brother and his girlfriend go to her parents house.
My niece went to her mom's house.
I spend most holidays alone.
I hate it.
thesnark1sloth@reddit
I’m very sorry for your loss. My dad died in 2021, and since then I’ve been my mom with dementia’s primary caregiver as her disease continues to progress.
I try not to pressure myself to feel jolly or merry around the holidays. I don’t make myself put the tree up, because I just don’t have the desire to do so. I do try to still enjoy the small good moments of joy I get with my mom.
call-lee-free@reddit
Lost my dad back in 96 when I was 16. Lost my mom in 2005 when I was 25. I haven't celebrated any holidays since even when I had friends. They are just another day for me.
msheehan418@reddit
It’s so hard bc I miss my mom so much. But, the day before Thanksgiving, I sold a car to a woman with her exact birthday. Same year and everything .
Then, I swear this is this is true, the day AFTER Thanksgiving, I sold a car to a MAN with my dad’s bday. Not the same year but I think it was them saying hi. Even if it was just a contrived coincidence, I still like to think they are looking after me at work.
NotRadTrad05@reddit
Both of my parents are alive but I haven't been to their house, maybe an hour away, in 15 years. For the most part I've processed it. My wife and her siblings, its going to be rough for them when the time comes.
InigoMontoya2725@reddit
Try to find “scheduled” times to cry and cry and let it all out. I would tell my children that tonight, we are watching a certain holiday movie or doing a holiday tradition, and that I might cry a lot because it reminds me so much of my recently deceased parent. If a child knows what to expect (that you will sob and sob through the movie or activity), I think it is a little easier on them to help deal with your big emotions.
I also try to make a sincere effort to have days or activities/events where I try hard to not cry. For the children- I will tell them I will try hard to stay happy during this event and not cry about the death of my parent. Kids absolutely “get it” if you do end up crying some. But I found it helped me to have both- an activity/day where I could cry all day if I want, but also have times where I told my kids that I would try hard to focus on them and happiness and not cry. I also have found that this helps me in those weird times when you randomly see something at a store or somewhere that strongly reminds you of your parent and of your loss- I was able to at least hold my tears in until I got to the car.
So sorry for your loss. I know everyone says this, but it does slowly get better with time.
Pale_Row1166@reddit
I stopped going and started traveling through the holidays. What? You’re not my therapist, you can’t tell me what to do.
Li-RM35M4419@reddit
I’m not really interested and everyone is dispersed
Mattimvs@reddit
I lost my mom when I was young and honestly, christmas has never been the same (even after 35 years). IMO you have to keep moving forward but shaking off old trads (you associate with her) and trying something new helps.
Redneck-ginger@reddit
The 2nd year is actually the harder than the first. Its not new, not the first whatever without them. This is when it starts to sink in that this is the new normal.
If you or your spouse are employed and the job offers an employee assistance program, this is a good time/situation to access that benefit. Most eap's cover the whole family. They can connect you with a grief counselor in your area. Sometimes just hearing that what you are feeling as part of your grief process is completely normal and expected can make things feel just a tiny smidge better.
i learned all of the info in the post from my Aunt. She used her EAP to see a grief counselor after my Uncle passed away very unexpectedly a few years ago. Her counselor told her the part about the 2nd year being harder
UpperPossible9694@reddit
My dad went to the hospital with congestive heart failure on Thanksgiving of 1999. The last day I saw him alive was the day after Christmas of the same year, and he passed away on New Year's Day of 2000. I was only 23. I had my son on December 4th of 2000.
Safe to say, the holidays are hard for me, even today, especially now that my mom has dementia.
But I find ways to celebrate the joy of the season, and I remember that my dad didn't go away, he just went to a place I can't see.
Disk_Good@reddit
Thinking of you and your family. ❤️
My Mom passed in October and feeling hollow inside is such a powerful way of putting it. She had been sick for several years so things had not been the same for a while and I was already grieving that. This new grief is something else entirely. It’s hard. I’m an only child and single with no kids. My parents divorced when I was young so I lean on my cousins, aunts/uncles, close friends. My Dad is also helpful but I’m estranged with my stepmother so it’s kind of messy. Mom was a triplet so her surviving sisters are also devastated by her loss. Even as unique individuals, they always functioned as kind of a unit. It’s a tremendous void facing that it’s no longer the three of them. They were the matriarchs of the family. The heart of it all. It’s comforting but also painful connecting with my surviving aunts.
My Mom died two days after I had just cleared out a storage unit where she had kept things she couldn’t have in her nursing home including my childhood Christmas decorations. I had brought these items to my home to go through with her and then she died unexpectedly. I was left surrounded by all her things in my home (things I hadn’t seen in 10-15 years that I now couldn’t make sense of with her). It’s been overwhelming and painful to go through it all. My godmother had to come and spend three days with me doing it together. Honestly, she did most of it. I was just in the room mostly barely able to help make decisions about what to keep, donate or trash.
And now the holidays are here. I can’t even glance at holiday movies or tv shows we watched together when they show on the streaming menu without wincing.
I decided to spend Thanksgiving with my best friend’s family this year and then will spend Christmas with my Mom’s family. It was nice to get away and do something different but also hard to see other people her age still thriving and healthy with their families.
I’m very sad and the grief comes in waves. Sometimes I just almost go catatonic when I realize all over again that she is gone. I was playing cards with friends last night and they put on the soundtrack for the Charlie Brown Christmas special and I just shut down inside. She loved that special so much. I never expected that music to shift from something so delightful to haunting.
I find times to sit with the grief and cry regularly. Sometimes it comes unexpectedly especially after I have spent time with folks and then have some alone time. Yesterday, I broke down crying in the Metro station after saying goodbye to my friend I spent Thanksgiving with. It’s all so fresh and I’m horrified to think this is just the beginning. It’s only been a month and change.
Grief counseling has been helpful. Might look into a support group as well. Writing this post helps me realize that I should probably journal more about my feelings too.
JeffTS@reddit
I lost my dad in '97. It took time to bounce back. Now, I have the 2nd most Christmas lights on the street. No kids and I'm Jewish (dad's side was Christian) but I enjoy doing it to bring others joy.
HighGlutenTolerance@reddit
Both of my parents passed last summer. I have felt a bit haunted lately. My dad's birthday was last week and I almost went and bought a pack of his cigarettes. Also, holy shit these boomer parents really did NOT take very good care of themselves. They both died so much younger than their parents did.
mizlurksalot@reddit
Thanks to everyone who shared - will keep your words in mind. We lost mom in August this year, and I’m honestly dreading the holiday season, it was her favourite time of year, and mine and my sister’s too.
temporary_bob@reddit
I don't have great advice because I lost both my parents before I was 25 (>20 years ago) so my frame of reference is so different. My daughter never knew them, holidays were always about the kiddo... But I will say that eventually I think things shift to avoiding the grief and embracing things the departed person loved as a way to feel close to them again. But there's no timetable for that.
willissa26@reddit
Eventually the associations of holiday activities to lost loved ones will be happy associations rather than sad. They will become opportunities to remember them and to tell stories. It makes them alive and near again. Give it another year and yes, fake it til you make it. After all you still need to create those memories for your family.
Comfortable-Sky-9569@reddit
It was hard. I lost my mom when I was 21 to cancer. She passed shortly before Thanksgiving 1998. I was still in college. I had a lot of support from family and friends to get me through it
frawgster@reddit
My wife lost her dad a few years ago, 2 weeks before Xmas…his favorite annual occasion BY FAR. He LOVED Xmas. The food, the family, the gatherings, decorations, gifts, the tree…all of it.
She and her family handle it by carrying on his love for the holiday. They carry on with all the same traditions. It’s the best way they can honor his memory, and it’s the best way for them to cope with the loss.
Joliet-Jake@reddit
I get kind of bummed out around holidays. For years, my wife and I would mostly do our holidays with my mom and stepdad, my grandmother, and a couple of family friends, Ronnie and Linda. Since 2014, they’ve all died, mostly in the last five years, leaving just me and my wife. We have our kids and sometimes go to visit my wife’s family, but it’s tough at times for me to get too enthusiastic about holidays. For Thanksgiving this year, we just hung around the house with the kids, made a few dishes, grilled some steaks, and that was it.
A lot of my childhood holidays were pretty shitty due to various family issues, so I never really liked them much anyway, but now I don’t look forward to them at all.
MexicanVanilla22@reddit
I was pregnant with my first when I lost my mother. She was the flag holder for the holiday. Had my second in short order. They never got to know her. That's always been a sore spot.
I've tried my best, and I think some Christmases were special. But this year we have been moving so there are boxes and furniture in the way and I don't think we will be able to put up a tree.
That's hard. But your kids don't see that. They just see you.
They only know you. So do your best to start your own traditions and make your own things special.
Rare-Airport4261@reddit
It just is shit - there is no magic cure. I would say don't try and recreate past Christmases etc, but create new traditions if you can. The first two Christmases after we lost my mum, we didn't do a big sit-down dinner because we didn't want there to be an obvious empty space around the table. We did a casual buffet instead, so we weren't sat at the table. Be gentle with yourself, and don't put pressure on yourself to have the perfect day ❤️ It will always be hard, but it will get a little easier.